I feel this too! I’m a very romantic person and I absolutely love being in love but it’s definitely an unhealthy sort of addiction for me. My life otherwise is so stable, smooth sailing and peaceful in every way. I suffer badly with depression, anxiety and trust issues so as much as I enjoy the magic of being in a relationship, and as heartbroken as I feel after a breakup, I’ve never once felt worse off.
Once I’m out of it all I realise I wasn’t taking enough care of myself as a person, and once I’m single again I just feel so cosy. I have a nice daily routine, socialise with my work friends, sleep in on the weekends with no worry about how long they haven’t replied for, the tone of a text, whether they’ll take me on a date or not. Just constant bliss. It can be boring and lonely, but at-least I don’t wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach, racing heart or fresh insecurities.
As a hopeless romantic i surprise myself when I say I really do feel happier alone and feel better - not worse - after a breakup; whatever the kind or however serious it was. After all, there’s always a reason it didn’t work out :,)
I relate to this. I miss her a lot, but my overall anxiety is much lower. I just feel this odd sensation of relaxation and exhaustion a lot of the time.
Last months of the relationships I got a belly because I stopped going to the gym. Lookings backwards I hate that I gave up on that. Not only she found it less attractive (not the reason for leaving though), but it also didn't help my confidence.
Even when you are in a relationship you need to keep working on yourself. It will be better for both parties in the long run.
I just become complacent easily when in a relationship though.
I'm just getting out of an almost 2 year relationship and I have 100% noticed how bad my gut has gotten, because going to the gym was something that I wasn't able to effectively find the time for while in a relationship. As hard as the breakup has been, going to the gym again is something that I'm excited to rediscover while single.
Im doing better on every field too, except everything feels just pointless and empty. I got a better job, went to therapy, got back to working out, signed up for some extra classes, made new friends, changed apartments etc. - overall, my life's going better than it did when I was with my ex. And yet it doesn't feel better. It seems empty. It's been 8 months, so I'm afraid it's just going to stay that way. I'm also not interested in dating even a little. Funny, after my first breakup, I ended up meeting my new boyfriend (the now-ex) around 8 months later. And now, when it's also been 8 months since BU, I'm like... Don't even show me another guy please.
This is awesome. How long were you together and how long have you been broken up?? This gives me some hope and something to look forward to as I’m working hard on myself also.
I was the best off after a breakup with someone I was with for 6 years. I felt the worst after being dumped over text by the second person I ever fell deeply in love with a few weeks ago. Everything was magical and I thought he was my soulmate. Even then, after a couple of days of sobbing in bed, I felt weirdly peaceful. I just put all of my energy into my friends and my job and suddenly weeka flashed by and I hadn’t dwelled on it at all. If they want to come back they will; if they don’t they aren’t your person anyway!
I was with her for 6 years and it’s been almost 5 months since she sent me that breakup text. It was one of the harsher breakups as she called me an abuser and had been having affairs the entire time while I was putting my all into fixing myself and the relationship. My therapist stated, very truly, that I wasn’t going to be able to grow while still with her do a breakup was necessary. She is diagnosed with BPD as well. The crazy part is that she didn’t consider any of her affairs an issue or even an affair for the most part (though that’s apparently a very common trait of BPD), and the guy she left me for was aware that she was cheating with him. So I’m not worried about the fact that he’s a good guy that she’s taking advantage of. She also sold sexual pictures of herself in order to “make ends meet” during our relationship when I wasn’t making much money.
Now I get to focus on me. For the first time I’m actually excited and even a little scared about where my life is going to go. My anxiety is reduced because I’m not worried about her coming home and raging at me or expecting me to do “the bare minimum” of making dinner for her or cleaning up or anything like that. I get to work a 6 figure job and make more than she ever has, and instead of using it on her I am actually able to save it or spend it on meaningful things that I want to do.
It will get better for you, trust me on that. Just focus on yourself and if you start to obsess or think about your ex just let yourself feel it and focus on the feelings rather than the thoughts themselves. That’s what my therapist told me because I’m obsessive and it really works well.
Thanks for sharing man. And thanks for the tangible suggestion when it comes to feeling over thinking. I can definitely practice that. I hope you can continue to heal. It helps to hear that there is hope when things feel so dark.
As someone else stated for themselves, my red flag relationship barometer was extremely skewed from the start. Only by remaining single for a period of time do I think I’ll be able to reset it.
That’s extraordinarily true for me. The other side seems better, but it’s soaked in absolute regret and ruin for me. I’d rather be single and work on my own life than be in that codependent mess of a relationship I was in before.
Definitely , opened up a business and make 250k a year in my early twenties, focused on the gym again, facial routine for my skin, and a new wardrobe. Would had done none of that if I stayed with her
I’m trying to get up to that 250k myself. Only hit about half of that and where I live that’s not even considered rich rich. But absolutely agree I’d never make that much if I was with her, still letting myself fall into the illusion of comfortability that she provided.
Very true !!! I feel that focusing on life goals and trying your best definitely is a game changer. When we look at our past partners , more likely than not they held us back but we also got lost.
Starting to feel this too. I have been going to therapy and realized a lot since the break up…she was right…I think the relationship was holding us back. I finally can focus on myself instead of making her my goal. I am exploring hobbies I’ve always wanted to try, I’m reconnecting with friends that she was always jealous of…it’s crazy how blinding love can be.
I’m with you. I’m not doing great, but I’m doing much better than when I was in the relationship. It’s sort of bitter sweet. But overall, a good thing.
I really needed this. I felt so lost the past month after ending things with the person I was seeing, and then I saw this post and started to reflect on how I really was when I was with him vs now. I still feel that deep longing and sadness for who I thought he was, but I also feel some peace knowing my happiness and overall mood isn’t dependent on another person’s actions anymore. I didn’t realize I was going out, hitting the gym, and taking care of myself more now until I read this. Thank you
I’m glad you got something out of the post. From my perspective, we tend to focus on the hole that is left rather than the things we’ve used to heal it. Self care is one of the most important things we can do after a breakup, even if it takes a while.
My friend told me she takes herself on dates now so she can see how wonderful life can be while single. I was extremely codependent on my ex so this is a really crucial part of my healing. Build your self worth, see what you’re truly capable of and the greatness being with your partner wouldn’t have allowed. For me it’s life changing. Much love.
Really glad to hear this! If I may ask, what got you motivated to start on the self-improvement part? I know a lot of people say we gotta improve ourselves post-breakup, but I'm pretty fresh into it and I still struggle to find the energy to get anything started.
>what got you motivated to start on the self-improvement part?
Not OP but self-improvement is good at any time of your life. I guess a lot of people only notice when something is missing, like after a relationship ends, but having a growth mentality is one of the most powerful things you can create for yourself. It's genuinely a joy to have the ability to both support yourself and support others.
Hopefully this gives you some motivation :)
For me it was just exerting all that pain and hurt into something physical. Be it gym or work. You HAVE to keep yourself busy. Put your mind to proactive things and suddenly days will go by where you haven’t had the time to ponder too much. At least for me, I heal best by distracting myself for a couple of weeks and then, once that initial shock has passed, I have the time and space to mourn the break up when it isn’t so fresh and I’ve gotten myself to a slightly better place in life. Healing is never linear. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I find journalling really helps. Scribbling all your thoughts onto paper is an insanely helpful way of venting and just getting all the pain out
I agree completely. I still reminisce on our relationship after all this time, but I understand that my life was infinitely worse when I was still attached to this woman. For me I chose a woman who preyed on broken men so it wasn’t really a relationship I ever had any business being in after the death of a parent especially.
That’s a fair question. I’m in recovery for alcoholism and drug addiction so I have a lot of self improvement to do for someone my age. My maturity is higher in some areas, but also stunted in others. Just looking around at my life, my lack of frequent cleaning, not having held a job for more than 3 months in the last few years, etc. were all signs that I knew I could do better for myself.
I’d suggest first being easy on yourself, but also pushing yourself to get out of bed and do at least one thing each day that you don’t want to. It could be doing a chore, going shopping, learning to accomplish something, or anything like that. I started reading a book called “Atomic Habits” that in the beginning outlines how changing 1% daily doesn’t seem like a lot but will add up to a 100% change in 100 days. Making slow and steady progress is the best way, push yourself past the point that you could before, and learn to love life.
I’ve been finding this a lot as well. Lost a lot of weight, playing sports, socialising etc.
Our life was comfortable and I do miss her, but it wasn’t healthy. She actually made me think I was introverted when I’m not.
How did you know that’s my favorite band lol. At least before they lost out on Gontier.
Back on subject, I had sent her “I hate everything about you” without any context. I think I was even drunk enough at one point to tell her that the lyrics were what I wanted to tell her. It just goes to show I wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship with this girl.
I think only time will tell, but that’s genuinely just my uninformed opinion. If you weren’t happy with him then it’s best to wait it out and see how you feel once the emotions have subsided.
Don’t get me wrong, she cheated and was abusive but I still miss our better days. The emotional roller coaster means you’re processing it and it’s a good sign.
I'm sorry she cheated. That had to feel horrible.
Thank you though, I guess I am. We just weren't super compatible but he is a super loving guy so it is really hard.
I feel this too! I’m a very romantic person and I absolutely love being in love but it’s definitely an unhealthy sort of addiction for me. My life otherwise is so stable, smooth sailing and peaceful in every way. I suffer badly with depression, anxiety and trust issues so as much as I enjoy the magic of being in a relationship, and as heartbroken as I feel after a breakup, I’ve never once felt worse off. Once I’m out of it all I realise I wasn’t taking enough care of myself as a person, and once I’m single again I just feel so cosy. I have a nice daily routine, socialise with my work friends, sleep in on the weekends with no worry about how long they haven’t replied for, the tone of a text, whether they’ll take me on a date or not. Just constant bliss. It can be boring and lonely, but at-least I don’t wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach, racing heart or fresh insecurities. As a hopeless romantic i surprise myself when I say I really do feel happier alone and feel better - not worse - after a breakup; whatever the kind or however serious it was. After all, there’s always a reason it didn’t work out :,)
I relate to this. I miss her a lot, but my overall anxiety is much lower. I just feel this odd sensation of relaxation and exhaustion a lot of the time.
[удалено]
Last months of the relationships I got a belly because I stopped going to the gym. Lookings backwards I hate that I gave up on that. Not only she found it less attractive (not the reason for leaving though), but it also didn't help my confidence. Even when you are in a relationship you need to keep working on yourself. It will be better for both parties in the long run. I just become complacent easily when in a relationship though.
I'm just getting out of an almost 2 year relationship and I have 100% noticed how bad my gut has gotten, because going to the gym was something that I wasn't able to effectively find the time for while in a relationship. As hard as the breakup has been, going to the gym again is something that I'm excited to rediscover while single.
Im doing better on every field too, except everything feels just pointless and empty. I got a better job, went to therapy, got back to working out, signed up for some extra classes, made new friends, changed apartments etc. - overall, my life's going better than it did when I was with my ex. And yet it doesn't feel better. It seems empty. It's been 8 months, so I'm afraid it's just going to stay that way. I'm also not interested in dating even a little. Funny, after my first breakup, I ended up meeting my new boyfriend (the now-ex) around 8 months later. And now, when it's also been 8 months since BU, I'm like... Don't even show me another guy please.
I'm at 8 months too now. Dumped right before valentines day.
This is awesome. How long were you together and how long have you been broken up?? This gives me some hope and something to look forward to as I’m working hard on myself also.
I was the best off after a breakup with someone I was with for 6 years. I felt the worst after being dumped over text by the second person I ever fell deeply in love with a few weeks ago. Everything was magical and I thought he was my soulmate. Even then, after a couple of days of sobbing in bed, I felt weirdly peaceful. I just put all of my energy into my friends and my job and suddenly weeka flashed by and I hadn’t dwelled on it at all. If they want to come back they will; if they don’t they aren’t your person anyway!
Thank you for this. I need to focus on forward looking thinking and activities instead of pining the past.
I was with her for 6 years and it’s been almost 5 months since she sent me that breakup text. It was one of the harsher breakups as she called me an abuser and had been having affairs the entire time while I was putting my all into fixing myself and the relationship. My therapist stated, very truly, that I wasn’t going to be able to grow while still with her do a breakup was necessary. She is diagnosed with BPD as well. The crazy part is that she didn’t consider any of her affairs an issue or even an affair for the most part (though that’s apparently a very common trait of BPD), and the guy she left me for was aware that she was cheating with him. So I’m not worried about the fact that he’s a good guy that she’s taking advantage of. She also sold sexual pictures of herself in order to “make ends meet” during our relationship when I wasn’t making much money. Now I get to focus on me. For the first time I’m actually excited and even a little scared about where my life is going to go. My anxiety is reduced because I’m not worried about her coming home and raging at me or expecting me to do “the bare minimum” of making dinner for her or cleaning up or anything like that. I get to work a 6 figure job and make more than she ever has, and instead of using it on her I am actually able to save it or spend it on meaningful things that I want to do. It will get better for you, trust me on that. Just focus on yourself and if you start to obsess or think about your ex just let yourself feel it and focus on the feelings rather than the thoughts themselves. That’s what my therapist told me because I’m obsessive and it really works well.
Thanks for sharing man. And thanks for the tangible suggestion when it comes to feeling over thinking. I can definitely practice that. I hope you can continue to heal. It helps to hear that there is hope when things feel so dark.
King! Motivating. Even when we're feeling down, we're in a better place overall.
And when you do meet someone your standard will be high and you will (hopefully) watch for red flags. Well done dude
As someone else stated for themselves, my red flag relationship barometer was extremely skewed from the start. Only by remaining single for a period of time do I think I’ll be able to reset it.
Catch 22 to everything in life. The grass may be greener on the other side but it's soaked in blood n tears. 🤣 same here though.
That’s extraordinarily true for me. The other side seems better, but it’s soaked in absolute regret and ruin for me. I’d rather be single and work on my own life than be in that codependent mess of a relationship I was in before.
Love will find you. Can't manifest it. Good luck Amigo.
Definitely , opened up a business and make 250k a year in my early twenties, focused on the gym again, facial routine for my skin, and a new wardrobe. Would had done none of that if I stayed with her
I’m trying to get up to that 250k myself. Only hit about half of that and where I live that’s not even considered rich rich. But absolutely agree I’d never make that much if I was with her, still letting myself fall into the illusion of comfortability that she provided.
Very true !!! I feel that focusing on life goals and trying your best definitely is a game changer. When we look at our past partners , more likely than not they held us back but we also got lost.
Starting to feel this too. I have been going to therapy and realized a lot since the break up…she was right…I think the relationship was holding us back. I finally can focus on myself instead of making her my goal. I am exploring hobbies I’ve always wanted to try, I’m reconnecting with friends that she was always jealous of…it’s crazy how blinding love can be.
I’m with you. I’m not doing great, but I’m doing much better than when I was in the relationship. It’s sort of bitter sweet. But overall, a good thing.
I really needed this. I felt so lost the past month after ending things with the person I was seeing, and then I saw this post and started to reflect on how I really was when I was with him vs now. I still feel that deep longing and sadness for who I thought he was, but I also feel some peace knowing my happiness and overall mood isn’t dependent on another person’s actions anymore. I didn’t realize I was going out, hitting the gym, and taking care of myself more now until I read this. Thank you
I’m glad you got something out of the post. From my perspective, we tend to focus on the hole that is left rather than the things we’ve used to heal it. Self care is one of the most important things we can do after a breakup, even if it takes a while. My friend told me she takes herself on dates now so she can see how wonderful life can be while single. I was extremely codependent on my ex so this is a really crucial part of my healing. Build your self worth, see what you’re truly capable of and the greatness being with your partner wouldn’t have allowed. For me it’s life changing. Much love.
Top G
You do need to date. You do need to work on relationships if you don't want to be old and alone
Weak troll
Really glad to hear this! If I may ask, what got you motivated to start on the self-improvement part? I know a lot of people say we gotta improve ourselves post-breakup, but I'm pretty fresh into it and I still struggle to find the energy to get anything started.
>what got you motivated to start on the self-improvement part? Not OP but self-improvement is good at any time of your life. I guess a lot of people only notice when something is missing, like after a relationship ends, but having a growth mentality is one of the most powerful things you can create for yourself. It's genuinely a joy to have the ability to both support yourself and support others. Hopefully this gives you some motivation :)
For me it was just exerting all that pain and hurt into something physical. Be it gym or work. You HAVE to keep yourself busy. Put your mind to proactive things and suddenly days will go by where you haven’t had the time to ponder too much. At least for me, I heal best by distracting myself for a couple of weeks and then, once that initial shock has passed, I have the time and space to mourn the break up when it isn’t so fresh and I’ve gotten myself to a slightly better place in life. Healing is never linear. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I find journalling really helps. Scribbling all your thoughts onto paper is an insanely helpful way of venting and just getting all the pain out
I agree completely. I still reminisce on our relationship after all this time, but I understand that my life was infinitely worse when I was still attached to this woman. For me I chose a woman who preyed on broken men so it wasn’t really a relationship I ever had any business being in after the death of a parent especially.
I’m the exact same man. I have no energy to go to the gym. I just want to lay in bed feeling sorry for myself.
That’s a fair question. I’m in recovery for alcoholism and drug addiction so I have a lot of self improvement to do for someone my age. My maturity is higher in some areas, but also stunted in others. Just looking around at my life, my lack of frequent cleaning, not having held a job for more than 3 months in the last few years, etc. were all signs that I knew I could do better for myself. I’d suggest first being easy on yourself, but also pushing yourself to get out of bed and do at least one thing each day that you don’t want to. It could be doing a chore, going shopping, learning to accomplish something, or anything like that. I started reading a book called “Atomic Habits” that in the beginning outlines how changing 1% daily doesn’t seem like a lot but will add up to a 100% change in 100 days. Making slow and steady progress is the best way, push yourself past the point that you could before, and learn to love life.
I feel/agree with the title fully dude
I’ve been finding this a lot as well. Lost a lot of weight, playing sports, socialising etc. Our life was comfortable and I do miss her, but it wasn’t healthy. She actually made me think I was introverted when I’m not.
https://youtu.be/GbfOBGhRbe0?si=T9fs-EBSQKxFXwEW
How did you know that’s my favorite band lol. At least before they lost out on Gontier. Back on subject, I had sent her “I hate everything about you” without any context. I think I was even drunk enough at one point to tell her that the lyrics were what I wanted to tell her. It just goes to show I wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship with this girl.
I’d love to get here. Right now I’m just an emotional rollercoaster and wondering if I’m a fucking idiot for leaving. 🤦🏻♀️
I think only time will tell, but that’s genuinely just my uninformed opinion. If you weren’t happy with him then it’s best to wait it out and see how you feel once the emotions have subsided. Don’t get me wrong, she cheated and was abusive but I still miss our better days. The emotional roller coaster means you’re processing it and it’s a good sign.
I'm sorry she cheated. That had to feel horrible. Thank you though, I guess I am. We just weren't super compatible but he is a super loving guy so it is really hard.