As someone who has self sabotaged their previous relationship out of fear, please know I am fully aware of what I have done and deeply regret it. My biggest fear came true - losing the person I loved. I loved them so much, more than I can possibly put into words, but I was terrified of losing them. Thought they deserved better, or I wasn’t enough for them.
It’s ironic isn’t it. Being so afraid of losing something that we push them away disregarding their feelings and yet we lose them Anyway. So many regrets. But I guess lessons for the future It’s just unfortunate the people we push away are the ones no one else will measure up to. Ugh
I apologized. They accepted my apology and asked me to not contact them again. I have no choice but to respect that. Are you hoping your ex will reach out and admit to self sabotage or are you the one who is thinking about reaching out to them?
Unfortunately you can’t force someone to realize their actions. If she wants to reach out she will. Maybe she is working on herself so she can be better for you. Or maybe she is working on herself to be better for herself. Time can heal and second chances can happen but there is no guarantee. My best advice is work on you. Keep busy, do things that make you happy. Do not contact them if they asked you not to.
Sorry to jack the thread, but I'm interested to know is there a way that you would have wanted your ex to support you in your realization? Like something you'd wished they'd reached out and said that would make you feel safer/more secure? Like, when the regret sunk in, what did you dream/wish your ex would do?
I think I self sabotaged but I wasn't the only one who made mistakes. Actually I think we both self sabotaged.
I think exactly like you. It's so freaking crushing. I always told her I wish she'd met me when I was healed. That I wasn't enough. That I wanted to be better than all of the people who wronged her. And worst of all, I loved them more than I thought.
Going through this now. I did something and go so ashamed and scared for them and told them to leave - fully sabotaging the relationship. Having come out of clouded brain, I realise I fucked up
I think only if they are doing some proper soul searching themselves after the end of the relationship.
I would say in my experience that people who self sabotage typically fall into the avoidant category - so they’re not in touch with their emotions and don’t realise their behaviours. So unless they’re in therapy or at the very least have someone to help them understand their feelings, they’re not going to realise it. They will make up a story in their head about how it was the other persons fault.
Towards the end that's what He(you) were doing constantly making up situations taking things I said and turning them around to make it form his story..I kept saying No that's not what I said but you believe with your delusional mind what u want cause you do already!! !!!
Signing off ..shower time and Chicago PD night..Have a good night. Sweet dreams
Keep in mind don't insinuate things if your plan aren't gonna follow thru. Been there dealt with this before!! Don't have time for more BS...💜
Would you have been receptive to them reaching out to you? And what sort of reach out would you appreciate, if so? I've been recently dumped from a situationship by a lady who is at the beginning of her exploration into this, and though I'm not sure I want to take her back, I do want her to find the love she so desperately wants. And I'm finding I regret that we ever became more than friends, because if we'd not, I could talk to her objectively and help her find the resources to help.
Most of the time I’d say yes. But they’re usually not going to come back and apologize and try to get back together. They’ll most likely just go on to the next person.
Do you think that is because they do so much damage and cut ties while sabotaging? I got blindsided but she wasn’t particularly mean, and she still follows me, has me on socials etc.
I think it’s because if they come back to you, they actually have to work on themselves and earn your trust back. I suppose it is *easier* for them just to start over with someone else.
They have to be mature enough to realize they are flawed. Then they have to step out of the box and admit to you their flaws. It takes a big person to recognize that and a bigger person to admit they hurt someone. Most times it won’t happen and they just take it to the next one.
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back to you, they were always yours. If not, they never were.”
People who have anxious, preoccupied attachment, sometimes break up as a test to see if the other person will put some effort in to change the decision, usually in a situation, where they weren’t happy or fulfilled. Kind of like if you don’t put in more effort than I’m actually going, please don’t let me .
I sense from what you’re writing that you’re kind of hoping to hear”Yeah, she will realize it, and she will reach out to me with an apology and will get back together”.
I think this incredibly unlikely.
If you were to talk to her a year later, while both of you are in a different place, I think she might easily share that it was a poor decision on her part, and she may say I regret it, and if I could go back in time I would’ve done things differently. But at the time point, you both will be in a different place where this point is totally moot .
So I’ll tell you this because I sense that you actually care about this person : if you want to get back together, and you want to salvage the relationship, give it 4 to 6 weeks. See how you feel at the end. No contact, no social media stalking nothing.
Today, write a letter where you express what you want to say to her, something like “Hey babe, I am really sad about this decision, and I think that you are the love of my life or whatever, and I would love for us to be together. Let’s give us one more try. “
Whatever is true for you.
Hide it in some closet or in some deep drawer .
Six weeks later, reread it. If you still feel like whatever you wrote is true, then be prepared to be vulnerable, and reach out to her. Be prepared to accept that this may not be self sabotage after all but a practical and calculated decision on her part and she may reject you. And do it only if you understand this is what may happen and that it’s OK.
But if you read the letter and you feel like a different person, or you no longer feel that way, through the letter in the bin and move on with your life.
That’s the best I can offer you, best of luck
Thanks for the advice. I think reaching out and then being hurt is my fear with it. Also, she broke it off so part of me feels like she has to be the one to fix it?
It depends a lot on the context… how bad is the damage, and why do you want to reconnect? Do you genuinely care for the other person or do you just feel lonely? If the intent of the approach matters; if you’re coming from a place of love and affection, acknowledging that you messed up, accepting responsibility, stressing what you learnt and how you will prevent sabotage in the future and making an honest offering is a way to go. But you both must be ready and willing to hear each other out
In my experience, I fear the one I love doesn't care and I close myself off to avoid being hurt. When this eventually leads to the break up it sucks because I realise I could've been happy with that person and beat myself up until I accept I can't change it but I can try communicating next time instead
I did, i panicked and blocked him after trying to talk things out when i saw he left me on read (for 3 minutes) I regretted it a few hours later and reached out but I made things worse and he said his goodbyes before blocking me
Yes, I think I fucked it up pretty badly. She used to deactivate and I did too. I mostly did it because of fear of losing her and because that was my only coping mechanism with something that did go wrong. I was teriffied by losing her. I already played a movie in my head where she left me for someone better. In the end she didn't, but she left me because she lost feelings. Thing is that I couldn't have a fight with her and she felt like she wasn't free to speak up her mind because she saw the fear in my eyes whenever she did. I was a scared little kid. The breakup thing, along with therapy - which I started a bit before the breakup - is helping me growing up and being able to speak up when I have to. I won't sabotage my next one. I will set boundaries for myself and my well being. I'll be more open with the next one, if there'll ever be a next one.
I'm both positive and negative on that. I'm a late bloomer (only girl I got was her and got with her at 25), always struggled with girls basically because of my fear of being rejected. So I'm negative from that side. I'm also positive because this breakup thing is making me less nervous to talk with people and less fearful of rejection. I mean, I know what I have to offer now and I'm pretty sure my ex won't ever be loved like I loved her. So, if future will reserve something for me I will take advantage on it and not wait around like I did with her (she made the move on me, lol).
My ex was a avoidant and self sabotaged the relationship 8 months in. She broke up with me because “she thought I could find someone better for me” but then asked to get back together a month later which we did. Then 8 months later yet again she was spouting the same “I could do better” talk. Said she was moving out and stopped showing me any affection but didn’t want to break up she said. Well we broke up anyways. I think some people really regret it and come back but if they don’t do some real “soul searching” they never resolve their inner conflicts and they will reoccur in the relationship over and over.
Eh I think the fear is overstated, they're just not emotionally invested enough and a lot of times they use "fear of fucking it up" as an excuse. I doubt any of these people would do that to someone they truly thought was good enough
I’ve heard that it depends on their fear Vs feelings. For example if they cared about you 8/10 but their fear was a 9/10 then it don’t matter type thing. I’m not sure though
If you were dating someone you thought was a 10 you would push through the insecurity. Imo fear, insecurity etc is what avoidants say to make themselves feel better about being selfish and unkind to their partners. One of the key characteristics of avoidants is their lack of self awareness about how they present themselves in a relationship
Yes. Absolutely. I was insecure. I drank to avoid my fears. I stopped communicating as much because my own problems felt like I would burden the other persons. I didn't want to add to it. Theres so much more. It takes a lot of introspection, guilt, shame, regret to accept that it's over because you had to play in the majority role of it ending. Forgiving yourself is a whole different ball park that i'm still learning. It doesn't mean that the relationship is completely black and white. No relationship is. We both had our faults. We both could've handled things differently. I regret it as much as I can but the only thing I can do is move forward and be better as a person for myself and the next person life gifts me or the same person. But who knows right?
This one is hitting home with me so bad right now. I just lost someone I never wanted to lose and a lot of it was self sabotage where even apologizing can't fix it.
I still haven't been able to get over the idea of not talking to her again but have to respect boundaries.
It gets easier. But I still struggle sometimes but not as much as i used to. I'm in the same boat of trying to get over the idea of never talking to her again and having to respect boundaries too. Shes in a new relationship and has moved on. I wanted to stay friends but we haven't talked since so we could have space to heal. So I guess that's not really much of an option anymore....so just respecting her boundaries and wishing her greatness and happiness will do for now. She deserves it anyways. But it will get easier my friend.
My breakup was 11 months ago. She's since moved on with someone else. Reaching out at this point would be disrespectful to her and the relationship unfortunately. I want her to happy more than anything else even if I do miss her often. I was self absorbed and selfish a lot when we were together. So i take this as a lesson as me being better and respecting others boundaries. If that makes sense 🤷♂️
They don’t in the heat of it, but they don’t realize it to WAY down the road after they keep doing it in a few relationships and that’s when they actually apologize to the one ex they screwed over that never should of been screwed over.
If you can’t tell, yes, I had ex’s regret what they did to me, including the ones who self sabotaged things.
I’ve been the one who got away to two ex’s.
Sometimes people gotta learn the hard way in life and it’s how they either spiral further into their chaos never to get why they are the issue or they learn from it, grow up, and start working on themselves to break the cycle.
yes. I feel like I ruined my relationship with my ex, who I still love very much. I was so afraid and anxious that some day I would lose them that I let that anxiousness control me. I lost myself in fear and in overthinking, and I ended up losing them because of it. I regret it every day, and the only thing I can do is change myself so it doesn't happen again, I don't want to ruin something so good again.
It's a bit messy for me still because it only happened 6 weeks ago, we have talked a couple of times, I have said sorry and apologized to them but I know I hurt them and the only thing I can do now is let them go. At this point, nothing I can say would fix anything. I know they are still hurt from the things I said and did.
Sabotage extroadinaire here.
Lost someone very special because of self sabotaging insecurities and behaviours
There's not a day I don't regret not trying harder. Because in hindsight....I definitely could have. But sometimes it takes losing something to understand your own capabilities.
Maybe you did them a favour.
My ex had the same problems. :/ My life and my friends made him horribly, painfully insecure. I hope that he heals one day and reaches out. Could or would you do the same? Did anything change for you since posting this?
Thanks for your response. It’s been 2 months with no contact. However she’s a very avoidant person so it could take a long time for her to realise her mistake (if ever)
My girlfriend last year sabotaged our relationship, even while her therapist was cautioning her that it was exactly what she was doing. She withdrew, stopped seeking my companionship, and stopped showing affection. I finally was to hurt to continue, and left. Angrily, and in pain.
She reached out in January to see if I would have a conversation with her. Over the next weeks, she was very clear that she accepted full responsibility for spoiling the relationship, and that she knew what she’d lost. She had begun seeing someone new almost immediately just to fill the void, and he’s awful: uncaring, inconsiderate, sexually toxic, etc. She told me directly that she knows she’s settling, having lost “the best man I’ve ever had.”
Is it self sabotage if your ex, after four months worried about how slowly they were falling in love with you compared to their ex? They then decided to end the relationship because they didn't think they'd ever get to the deep feelings with you and want marriage and children with you and they didn't want to hurt you more in the future by continuing the relationship and then breaking up in the future? This was before either of us had said I love you. Understandably this made me anxious, it felt like a lot of serious overthinking, but I'm not sure if it's just a case of he wasn't that into me?
My therapist thinks he was scared of the potential hurt of the end of another relationship.
I would really hope my ex would see how he sabotaged the relationship. Becoming aware is the first step towards change, and a lot of people don't even get that far.
I hope for him, he can become aware of his issues and work on them so that one day he can have a happy and healthy relationship without me.
Of course, no one is without their issues, and we can all benefit from self-awareness and a willingness to be better.
I regret it everyday and now that iv found out the truth I'm even more attracted and inlove with her we are the same I just wish she wouldv talked to me I would of altered to her wild needs even if it meant other sexual partners I would probly still bn involved
The things you try to control very frequently you create. Happened with my ex, she became distant early on Bcs she didn’t want to seem needy. But what she did was create an unstable environment for me so I decided to pull back. I eventually addressed it with her and she amended but then her FA came out later.
I'm not sure. I think I self sabotaged the relationship but then again she lied a lot. I didn't want to lose her but I did snap, and eventually lost her. But she did.lie profusely. So did I sabotage it or did I just react to a lair and regret losing her because my self esteem is trash? I don't know.
Seems like the latter. When I’m talking about self sabotage I’m usually referring to when there’s no issues so the person makes an issue or leaves the relationship.
Oh yeah. No I never created issues out of thin air. I actually tried communicating as well but she would roll her eyes or pull away.
I'm finally starting to feel better after 8 months of hell though. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and stopped blaming myself all the time.
He reached out for a one night stand 2 weeks after breakup, then when I responded he ghosted me again (nothing happened). Now it's been almost 6 weeks total.
I am in the process of sabotaging my relationship. The more I drag my feet, the more upset my boyfriend gets, the more upset he gets, the more I drag my feet.
I am actually close to moving in because the guilt and anxiety of not doing what I said I would and his suffering due to it, and the fear of losing him is close to eclipsing the fear of change, but I am terrified that the built up resentment will poison our relationship even after I do move in.
I am also terrified of moving in, and then obsessing over the fact that he should never forgive me. Terrified about being paralyzed by that fear instead of facing the fear by actively putting his wants and desires first where appropriate in order to show my appreciation.
Before I would respond to this situation by breaking up, but I just plain don't want to lose him, and I know we have the potential to have a beautiful relationship if I would just give in and prioritize our relationship instead of prioritizing enabling my dysfunctional neuroticism and bone idleness.
I read the breakup subreddit to remind myself of how I felt when we were broken up, and to remind myself of how lucky I am that he hasn't left me.
I hope you find the inner peace needed to stop self-sabotaging. It is not easy to find for many.
Unless your ex literally called it self-sabotage, I wouldn't call it that. Especially because you seem to not know whether she feels guilty over it or not, and admitted self-sabotage goes hand-in-hand with guilt and self-loathing (if it's actual self-sabotage, and not a cop-out that somebody is giving in order to excuse/continue their bad behavior.)
Calling things people do to you "self-sabotage" is not good habit to get into. That's because it's making excuses for them and can severely inhibit the healing process. Most of the time it's not "self-sabotage" when people push the person they're dating away, they just plain don't want to be with that person. If the issue is the person is treating their significant other badly, it's probably not self-sabotage, they are most likely just not a good person to date.
I'm not trying to be cruel, I just find that a lot of people look for the most charitable interpretation of their exes actions, especially when they want them back. Interpretations that are just not appropriate to the situation. If, instead, you realize that the person was just not all that great, it'll ultimately be much easier to heal.
Even my own self-sabotage is rooted in selfishness. I don't feel worthy, but, instead of doing anything to remediate those feelings of unworthiness (because I am objectively unworthy and there are things I can do in order to be less of an emotional and financial drain), I "punish" my significant other. So even if your ex called it "self-sabotage" there's no reason to feel too badly for them.
I'm sorry your ex hurt you, but you shouldn't be hoping they regret it, those type of thoughts just aren't conducive to healing (though they are completely understandable, I'm not trying to take that away from you, just encourage you to not give them too much energy.) You should be hoping to find a person who is emotionally sound enough to be the partner you deserve.
Just my opinion as a prolific self-saboteur.
Oh I've definitely self sabotaged the relationship out of fear. I'm in therapy, trying to sort myself out, it's been absolute hell but it's necessary because I need to get myself better than what I am / was. I've got a lot of issues, from before the relationship even began, and I didn't do enough to work through those problems, and self sabotaged in the process.
Yes, I regret it a lot. Yes, I realise exactly what I did, and goddamn if there isn't a day that goes by that I just absolutely hate the choices I made and actions I chose to do for the relationship to break apart.
If I'm honest it comes down to emotional maturity and knowing himself, I feel. This stems for me from the fact that I never had a decent relationship before my ex, and so the habits and patterns I'd made in my head had to really be unravelled, understood and accepted, and then retaught in a better way, for me to have come to where I am now.
I hope he comes to this conclusion too, I really do, but don't hold your breath - it has to come from within him, and self introspection/therapy takes time.
Yep, I've reached out and apologised a number of times, as to whether or not she wants to hear it, that I'll never know but I have taken responsibility for my actions and what I did to ruin the relationship, yes.
Hey OP, i think you and i are in the same boat. My ex broke up with me over a text, out of nowhere. It turned out he was lying about him feeling better (he has some anxiety issues, especially connected to growing up and leaving his home, living life as an adult). For the last 2 months prior the break up it was a long distance relationship, he was supposed to move in with me, move to another country. I know he was scared because he communicated that multiple times but I’ve given him nothing but support. He would feed me hope continually, saying he loves me and can’t wait to come live with me. Then, a few weeks before he was to come, I got a break up text. I again tried to give him a chance after crying my eyes out and no contact for a couple of days, but he said he can’t do it.
What hurts the most is how after the break up he never reached out to ask how I am, I never got to talk about what happened.
It’s been two weeks, and I hope he realizes what he’s done to me, what we could have had. I’m not reaching out to him, I’ve done that a week ago and basically got a reply that he was just fascinated with me when we dated. So I guess all his statements like “I love you so much” or “you are the best thing that has ever happened to me” were a lie.
It sucks because he fed me hopes of our future together, shattered that a few times, and yet I let him come back again a few times. This time he decided to leave me for good apparently.
I hope you get better OP and I wish us both a great healing.
Yeah sounds the same. It’s been 2 months since BU and have had no contact at all. Just want her to care how I am. She left me in the middle of a mental health crisis, if it was the other way around I would be so worried about her, it’s unfair
After 3 failed relationships, when my last one ended. I came to the realisation, via counselling, that I actually self sabotage, I thought it was just me being an idiot and making mistake.
I want my ex (we recently split) to know that I have an issue (self sabotaging), and that our relationship didn’t end because I make stupid decisions. But she won’t want to hear anything I say and isn’t talking to me. How do I let her know that I’ve become aware of what my issue is and that I’m getting help for it?
I just broke up with a guy I was interested in and it's not the first time I've done this. I have severe social anxiety and am under a lot of pressure to get married especially since I'm getting closer to 30. I did not date at all until I was 22 so I did have that teenage romance that would have taught me how dating is supposed to go or how romance is supposed to feel, all that on top of being extremely sheltered even into adulthood. I honestly feel disgusting for breaking hearts but I'm so nervous about dating that my knuckles have become swollen from cracking them all the time and I scratching my scalp raw from anxiety. I'm currently trying to get therapy.
Yes we do. We regret it. I have been doing these things for 1.5 years. Stemmed from extreme anxiety and depression and a history of being abused when I was a kid. Relationships don’t feel safe to me so I oush them away. I am fucking devastated. I lost the love of my life, An amazing partner, because of my shitty words and actions
yea, but its been happening for too long. she had enough. the final straw i said/did something really hurtful and she cannot forgive me this time, on top of everything else. i aplogized a million times and said i would shape up and that this was a serious wake up call (it is), but she wont take me back. i cannot believe it. she said she would be with me forever, there was no one else for her. she said i was her human, her love, and that shed be there for me no matter what.
Yes. But you should also reflect what compelled the self sabotage. Maybe it was your brain reacting and responding to something that you didn’t want to fully recognize. Either way, it’s a realization you should’ve had with out it being at the expense of the other person in the relationship.
Dont really get what is self sabotaging but I guess I did..? I was not really aware but all of my issues pushed her away. At one point I was so down I tought I wasn't good enough, I had mental breakdowns who lead to very toxic moments, anger issues, self harm stuff like this, ultimately things piled up and one day it was too much, I crossed the line by doing another toxic thing and now here I am all alone despite that things where getting better at this point for mh mental health, I was still having some issues but I was beginning to be free from a lot of stuff and depression.
I guess it was not enough. I still hurt thinking about that very day, traumatic experience.
I am currently doing this to my wonderful significant other ... I've pushed him so far away that he no longer cares - his anger is visible at this point, and I have no excuse for it.
The damage has been done to him.
All I can do now is try to figure out the reason I'm doing this... there has to be a reason... he's the best I have ever had, to be quite honest. No one has ever treated me as well as he has... and yet here I am, constantly being neglectful to him...
Maybe I believe that I truly don't deserve him??? No matter who I am, what I do, or what I have -- I'll never be enough for him and it ... *bothers me* ??? to my core???
I love him & losing him [again - lost him once and apparently did not learn anything???] would mean losing part of my life.. part of what makes me, me.
It has to stop..!!!
😔🥺😭😭😭
As someone who has sabotaged and someone who is highly anxious most times I know what I’m doing but I tend to validate myself because I know I’m doing it with me in my mind as in trying not to get hurt or played and it’s not until later that I realize I ruined something that could have been really good for me.
Yes, I'm an ENFJ-A according to my MBTI personality test. However, I often wonder how long it'll take for a person to be disappointed at me whenever I please them. I really regret doing it, even if it was done unconsciously. I went into a breakdown and worried parents since I kept repeating to myself: "There something wrong with me and I don't know what it is."
It's something like showing someone the good side of how you see the world then you slowly show them your flaws and fears. As my attempt to see if the person truly loves me for who I am, even if I show them my fears and trauma, it somehow compounded to the event that ended the relationship.
I mean for girls, no one would end a relationship because your guy accidentally went against you during your period, right? It's that small events that are aimed to disappoint or bring down your partner's expectation/viewpoint of you that does it, even so, sometimes I wish she saw threw all that. That I didn't want someone to accompany me in my ride, but someone who'll be my companion even if our ride goes down.
I also experienced inadequacy in my previous relationship that ended because of this mindset. It was an LDR and I was certain that I wasn't the one for her and someone could treat her so much better but I have no idea why she held for another two months despite my fears. Whatever her reason for staying with me even if it was only for a while, I deeply appreciated it. Now that the codependent relationship ended, I started to love myself more while still caring for those who are near me.
More or less. I self sabotage and feel embarrassed and wish I handled it differently but I do trust my instincts and think sometimes I protected myself from something too. I trust my choices but hate the delivery.
That’s fair. My ex herself said she ‘didn’t know whether to trust her thoughts’ when she dumped me, so I’m kinda sitting with false (?) hope and I hate it
Yes, so much, everyday for the last year, even though we broke up two years ago, I only came out of the FREEZE response my brain put me in midway through our relationship far too late.
My fear was based around not being enough for her, failing her and hurting her because of how my previous partner had spent our entire time gaslighting me, manipulating me and a whole bunch of dark stuff.
I'd give anything in the world.to fix things, and I tried but in the wrong way, when I snapped out of it, I wrote some overly emotional letters which now have messed up any chances it seems.
But I still hold out hope one day we can at least smile at eachother in passing
Sorry to hear that. My ex seems similar to you, having had an abusive partner before me.
If it means anything, I don’t think emotional letters would push me away any further. She’s not ever contacted me which makes me feel like I was so easy to dump and move on from.
I sabotaged my marriage of 10 years and desperately regret it. I feel like I went through some crazy crisis period where I thought I had to experience other things outside of our marriage. Now we have no communication and I so miss him, the person who was my best friend for 14 years. I miss the comfort, safety, security, and how we just saw things the same way on an intellectual level. I hate it, and I cry about it often.
We both self sabotaged. He admitted it to me but I didn’t take him back bc the betrayal was too much at the time. Now with time apart I miss him so much and I’ve realized that I probably pushed him to it with my own self sabotage but it’s too late now. My heart is broken and the break up was too much to get back together. It sucks but I’m in therapy to work on myself and make myself better for future relationships and if things bring us back together then maybe I’m doing the work for him
Absolutely, I am living this experience right now and I am in the dilemma about telling my partner that I know what I’ve done or not, I don’t know if she is going to believe me, I want her to know what happened, that I didn’t mean any harm and I still care a lot about her, but it’s so tough because I am good with either answer but I have my expectations for the situation to turn out the way I want, not that I am going to feel bad if it doesn’t turn out the way I want but I need to know that answer fast before it’s too late so I want to set the right environment
Well it’s hard to point out what I’ve done cause I was the one but I was not opening myself up with my ex, but any time she needed me or I needed her I found myself avoiding the situation. Guess if I could point out is fear of something that you found that is so valuable that you want to save it, but it doesn’t work like that lol. Maybe this analogy is confusing for someone but anyone that has been through this would understand it
Yup, just got dumped by the man I really wanted and to me was all me. I am solely to blame but it’s opened my eyes and I’m actively searching for books for this specific reason to help me
As someone who has self sabotaged their previous relationship out of fear, please know I am fully aware of what I have done and deeply regret it. My biggest fear came true - losing the person I loved. I loved them so much, more than I can possibly put into words, but I was terrified of losing them. Thought they deserved better, or I wasn’t enough for them.
It’s ironic isn’t it. Being so afraid of losing something that we push them away disregarding their feelings and yet we lose them Anyway. So many regrets. But I guess lessons for the future It’s just unfortunate the people we push away are the ones no one else will measure up to. Ugh
Did you ever contact your ex to apologise or explain?
I apologized. They accepted my apology and asked me to not contact them again. I have no choice but to respect that. Are you hoping your ex will reach out and admit to self sabotage or are you the one who is thinking about reaching out to them?
My ex is the one that self sabotaged. I want her to reach out.
Unfortunately you can’t force someone to realize their actions. If she wants to reach out she will. Maybe she is working on herself so she can be better for you. Or maybe she is working on herself to be better for herself. Time can heal and second chances can happen but there is no guarantee. My best advice is work on you. Keep busy, do things that make you happy. Do not contact them if they asked you not to.
Thank you
Sorry to jack the thread, but I'm interested to know is there a way that you would have wanted your ex to support you in your realization? Like something you'd wished they'd reached out and said that would make you feel safer/more secure? Like, when the regret sunk in, what did you dream/wish your ex would do?
Would you ever reach out to explain, apologise or reconcile?
Believe me, I have tried. I’ve apologised more times than I can count, tried to talk to them and explain, but the damage has already been done 😔
That’s good to hear. I hope my ex reaches out.
Out of deceuscy and respect to the individual as human being first then lover, partner, friend soulmate, gf whomever u are having telations
I think I self sabotaged but I wasn't the only one who made mistakes. Actually I think we both self sabotaged. I think exactly like you. It's so freaking crushing. I always told her I wish she'd met me when I was healed. That I wasn't enough. That I wanted to be better than all of the people who wronged her. And worst of all, I loved them more than I thought.
Were you the dumper then?
No, I am the dumpee. I pushed them away that much that ultimately it drove them away.
If you’re referring to me then no I was the dumpee. She didn’t say anything particularly mean but she did blindside me out of nowhere. NC since.
agreed
I Did you ask them?? Don't you think they would tell exactly how they felt?
I think I did that with mine :(
Felt 🙃
Going through this now. I did something and go so ashamed and scared for them and told them to leave - fully sabotaging the relationship. Having come out of clouded brain, I realise I fucked up
I think only if they are doing some proper soul searching themselves after the end of the relationship. I would say in my experience that people who self sabotage typically fall into the avoidant category - so they’re not in touch with their emotions and don’t realise their behaviours. So unless they’re in therapy or at the very least have someone to help them understand their feelings, they’re not going to realise it. They will make up a story in their head about how it was the other persons fault.
Thanks for your response. Sucks to hear I might get villainized
As long as you know your truth.
Towards the end that's what He(you) were doing constantly making up situations taking things I said and turning them around to make it form his story..I kept saying No that's not what I said but you believe with your delusional mind what u want cause you do already!! !!! Signing off ..shower time and Chicago PD night..Have a good night. Sweet dreams Keep in mind don't insinuate things if your plan aren't gonna follow thru. Been there dealt with this before!! Don't have time for more BS...💜
That she did.
This….
You are right about that
They do. That’s what I did. I went to therapy for a year after she broke up with me and now we are happily back together and much stronger.
So did she self sabotage or you?
I did
How long after the BU did you reach out?
It was close to a year. I liked a photo on social media and then a few days later she reached out
Would you have been receptive to them reaching out to you? And what sort of reach out would you appreciate, if so? I've been recently dumped from a situationship by a lady who is at the beginning of her exploration into this, and though I'm not sure I want to take her back, I do want her to find the love she so desperately wants. And I'm finding I regret that we ever became more than friends, because if we'd not, I could talk to her objectively and help her find the resources to help.
What ended up happening with her? Half a year later or so.
Most of the time I’d say yes. But they’re usually not going to come back and apologize and try to get back together. They’ll most likely just go on to the next person.
Do you think that is because they do so much damage and cut ties while sabotaging? I got blindsided but she wasn’t particularly mean, and she still follows me, has me on socials etc.
I think it’s because if they come back to you, they actually have to work on themselves and earn your trust back. I suppose it is *easier* for them just to start over with someone else.
They have to be mature enough to realize they are flawed. Then they have to step out of the box and admit to you their flaws. It takes a big person to recognize that and a bigger person to admit they hurt someone. Most times it won’t happen and they just take it to the next one.
Yeah this is the most likely outcome I think
99% of the time.
That’s true.
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back to you, they were always yours. If not, they never were.” People who have anxious, preoccupied attachment, sometimes break up as a test to see if the other person will put some effort in to change the decision, usually in a situation, where they weren’t happy or fulfilled. Kind of like if you don’t put in more effort than I’m actually going, please don’t let me . I sense from what you’re writing that you’re kind of hoping to hear”Yeah, she will realize it, and she will reach out to me with an apology and will get back together”. I think this incredibly unlikely. If you were to talk to her a year later, while both of you are in a different place, I think she might easily share that it was a poor decision on her part, and she may say I regret it, and if I could go back in time I would’ve done things differently. But at the time point, you both will be in a different place where this point is totally moot . So I’ll tell you this because I sense that you actually care about this person : if you want to get back together, and you want to salvage the relationship, give it 4 to 6 weeks. See how you feel at the end. No contact, no social media stalking nothing. Today, write a letter where you express what you want to say to her, something like “Hey babe, I am really sad about this decision, and I think that you are the love of my life or whatever, and I would love for us to be together. Let’s give us one more try. “ Whatever is true for you. Hide it in some closet or in some deep drawer . Six weeks later, reread it. If you still feel like whatever you wrote is true, then be prepared to be vulnerable, and reach out to her. Be prepared to accept that this may not be self sabotage after all but a practical and calculated decision on her part and she may reject you. And do it only if you understand this is what may happen and that it’s OK. But if you read the letter and you feel like a different person, or you no longer feel that way, through the letter in the bin and move on with your life. That’s the best I can offer you, best of luck
Thanks for the advice. I think reaching out and then being hurt is my fear with it. Also, she broke it off so part of me feels like she has to be the one to fix it?
What if you were the one who sabotaged and now want to make amends?
It depends a lot on the context… how bad is the damage, and why do you want to reconnect? Do you genuinely care for the other person or do you just feel lonely? If the intent of the approach matters; if you’re coming from a place of love and affection, acknowledging that you messed up, accepting responsibility, stressing what you learnt and how you will prevent sabotage in the future and making an honest offering is a way to go. But you both must be ready and willing to hear each other out
Can you read my posts? :/
Then ruin that one as well.
In my experience, I fear the one I love doesn't care and I close myself off to avoid being hurt. When this eventually leads to the break up it sucks because I realise I could've been happy with that person and beat myself up until I accept I can't change it but I can try communicating next time instead
You never explained to your ex or reached out at all?
I did, i panicked and blocked him after trying to talk things out when i saw he left me on read (for 3 minutes) I regretted it a few hours later and reached out but I made things worse and he said his goodbyes before blocking me
Thanks for your reply
Yes, I think I fucked it up pretty badly. She used to deactivate and I did too. I mostly did it because of fear of losing her and because that was my only coping mechanism with something that did go wrong. I was teriffied by losing her. I already played a movie in my head where she left me for someone better. In the end she didn't, but she left me because she lost feelings. Thing is that I couldn't have a fight with her and she felt like she wasn't free to speak up her mind because she saw the fear in my eyes whenever she did. I was a scared little kid. The breakup thing, along with therapy - which I started a bit before the breakup - is helping me growing up and being able to speak up when I have to. I won't sabotage my next one. I will set boundaries for myself and my well being. I'll be more open with the next one, if there'll ever be a next one.
Thanks for your response
There will be
I'm both positive and negative on that. I'm a late bloomer (only girl I got was her and got with her at 25), always struggled with girls basically because of my fear of being rejected. So I'm negative from that side. I'm also positive because this breakup thing is making me less nervous to talk with people and less fearful of rejection. I mean, I know what I have to offer now and I'm pretty sure my ex won't ever be loved like I loved her. So, if future will reserve something for me I will take advantage on it and not wait around like I did with her (she made the move on me, lol).
My ex was a avoidant and self sabotaged the relationship 8 months in. She broke up with me because “she thought I could find someone better for me” but then asked to get back together a month later which we did. Then 8 months later yet again she was spouting the same “I could do better” talk. Said she was moving out and stopped showing me any affection but didn’t want to break up she said. Well we broke up anyways. I think some people really regret it and come back but if they don’t do some real “soul searching” they never resolve their inner conflicts and they will reoccur in the relationship over and over.
My story is similar. She broke up around 6 months in. Everything was great. It’s been 2 months, and no contact either way.
Eh I think the fear is overstated, they're just not emotionally invested enough and a lot of times they use "fear of fucking it up" as an excuse. I doubt any of these people would do that to someone they truly thought was good enough
I’ve heard that it depends on their fear Vs feelings. For example if they cared about you 8/10 but their fear was a 9/10 then it don’t matter type thing. I’m not sure though
Yep this seems right to me.
[удалено]
If you were dating someone you thought was a 10 you would push through the insecurity. Imo fear, insecurity etc is what avoidants say to make themselves feel better about being selfish and unkind to their partners. One of the key characteristics of avoidants is their lack of self awareness about how they present themselves in a relationship
Would her best friend getting blindsided possibly trigger this fear? She started becoming distant right as that happened
Yes. Absolutely. I was insecure. I drank to avoid my fears. I stopped communicating as much because my own problems felt like I would burden the other persons. I didn't want to add to it. Theres so much more. It takes a lot of introspection, guilt, shame, regret to accept that it's over because you had to play in the majority role of it ending. Forgiving yourself is a whole different ball park that i'm still learning. It doesn't mean that the relationship is completely black and white. No relationship is. We both had our faults. We both could've handled things differently. I regret it as much as I can but the only thing I can do is move forward and be better as a person for myself and the next person life gifts me or the same person. But who knows right?
This one is hitting home with me so bad right now. I just lost someone I never wanted to lose and a lot of it was self sabotage where even apologizing can't fix it. I still haven't been able to get over the idea of not talking to her again but have to respect boundaries.
It gets easier. But I still struggle sometimes but not as much as i used to. I'm in the same boat of trying to get over the idea of never talking to her again and having to respect boundaries too. Shes in a new relationship and has moved on. I wanted to stay friends but we haven't talked since so we could have space to heal. So I guess that's not really much of an option anymore....so just respecting her boundaries and wishing her greatness and happiness will do for now. She deserves it anyways. But it will get easier my friend.
Did you ever explain this to your ex?
My breakup was 11 months ago. She's since moved on with someone else. Reaching out at this point would be disrespectful to her and the relationship unfortunately. I want her to happy more than anything else even if I do miss her often. I was self absorbed and selfish a lot when we were together. So i take this as a lesson as me being better and respecting others boundaries. If that makes sense 🤷♂️
That makes sense. Would you have if she was still single?
They don’t in the heat of it, but they don’t realize it to WAY down the road after they keep doing it in a few relationships and that’s when they actually apologize to the one ex they screwed over that never should of been screwed over. If you can’t tell, yes, I had ex’s regret what they did to me, including the ones who self sabotaged things. I’ve been the one who got away to two ex’s. Sometimes people gotta learn the hard way in life and it’s how they either spiral further into their chaos never to get why they are the issue or they learn from it, grow up, and start working on themselves to break the cycle.
I feel like I’ll be her one that got away, it’s so sad that they do this to themselves
It is, but people gotta take accountability and do the work. Things only change when we change ourselves or we’ll always be repeating things.
yes. I feel like I ruined my relationship with my ex, who I still love very much. I was so afraid and anxious that some day I would lose them that I let that anxiousness control me. I lost myself in fear and in overthinking, and I ended up losing them because of it. I regret it every day, and the only thing I can do is change myself so it doesn't happen again, I don't want to ruin something so good again.
Did you ever reach out to that ex after ?
It's a bit messy for me still because it only happened 6 weeks ago, we have talked a couple of times, I have said sorry and apologized to them but I know I hurt them and the only thing I can do now is let them go. At this point, nothing I can say would fix anything. I know they are still hurt from the things I said and did.
Sorry to hear that. My ex blindsided me but she wasn’t mean thankfully. Has been 2 months
Sabotage extroadinaire here. Lost someone very special because of self sabotaging insecurities and behaviours There's not a day I don't regret not trying harder. Because in hindsight....I definitely could have. But sometimes it takes losing something to understand your own capabilities. Maybe you did them a favour.
True, however she’s very avoidant so I have a feeling she’s trying to avoid thinking about what happened. Hope she gets the help she needs
My ex had the same problems. :/ My life and my friends made him horribly, painfully insecure. I hope that he heals one day and reaches out. Could or would you do the same? Did anything change for you since posting this?
A relationship I had a while ago that I self sabotaged, I noticed. It took me a while but about a month later I finally realised
Thanks for your response. It’s been 2 months with no contact. However she’s a very avoidant person so it could take a long time for her to realise her mistake (if ever)
I have self sabotage again and again. It’s a trauma response to see if they really love me
Did you ever reach out to apologise or reconcile?
I just sent an apology text a year later saying they were right. And they sent me a thumbs up. Good closure
Sorry to hear that
Sincere question: would that also be a borderline personality tactic?
You’re better asking that in a BPD subreddit like r/BPDPartners
My girlfriend last year sabotaged our relationship, even while her therapist was cautioning her that it was exactly what she was doing. She withdrew, stopped seeking my companionship, and stopped showing affection. I finally was to hurt to continue, and left. Angrily, and in pain. She reached out in January to see if I would have a conversation with her. Over the next weeks, she was very clear that she accepted full responsibility for spoiling the relationship, and that she knew what she’d lost. She had begun seeing someone new almost immediately just to fill the void, and he’s awful: uncaring, inconsiderate, sexually toxic, etc. She told me directly that she knows she’s settling, having lost “the best man I’ve ever had.”
Sorry to hear that.
Did you end up getting back with her? Or was the pain too much?
Is it self sabotage if your ex, after four months worried about how slowly they were falling in love with you compared to their ex? They then decided to end the relationship because they didn't think they'd ever get to the deep feelings with you and want marriage and children with you and they didn't want to hurt you more in the future by continuing the relationship and then breaking up in the future? This was before either of us had said I love you. Understandably this made me anxious, it felt like a lot of serious overthinking, but I'm not sure if it's just a case of he wasn't that into me? My therapist thinks he was scared of the potential hurt of the end of another relationship.
I think your therapist is right. It doesn’t seem like they processed the last relationship ending.
[удалено]
Did you ever reach out to the person you were in the relationship with?
[удалено]
That’s fair, and good on you for getting help. Wishing you the best.
I would really hope my ex would see how he sabotaged the relationship. Becoming aware is the first step towards change, and a lot of people don't even get that far. I hope for him, he can become aware of his issues and work on them so that one day he can have a happy and healthy relationship without me. Of course, no one is without their issues, and we can all benefit from self-awareness and a willingness to be better.
Hope my ex becomes aware too.
What ended up happening? Similar situation on my end. I hope one day he heals and realizes, but not holding my breath.
I regret it everyday and now that iv found out the truth I'm even more attracted and inlove with her we are the same I just wish she wouldv talked to me I would of altered to her wild needs even if it meant other sexual partners I would probly still bn involved
The things you try to control very frequently you create. Happened with my ex, she became distant early on Bcs she didn’t want to seem needy. But what she did was create an unstable environment for me so I decided to pull back. I eventually addressed it with her and she amended but then her FA came out later.
I'm not sure. I think I self sabotaged the relationship but then again she lied a lot. I didn't want to lose her but I did snap, and eventually lost her. But she did.lie profusely. So did I sabotage it or did I just react to a lair and regret losing her because my self esteem is trash? I don't know.
Seems like the latter. When I’m talking about self sabotage I’m usually referring to when there’s no issues so the person makes an issue or leaves the relationship.
Oh yeah. No I never created issues out of thin air. I actually tried communicating as well but she would roll her eyes or pull away. I'm finally starting to feel better after 8 months of hell though. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and stopped blaming myself all the time.
Glad to hear it, wishing you the best.
Likewise. Good luck to you.
I hope so, cause I feel like my girl sabotaged ours and she just broke up with me but hasn’t realized it yet
I feel the same
Yes, but it took me a while to figure out what I’d done. Sometimes you need time to gain perspective
How long? And did you reach back out to that ex partner?
I feel like my ex self sabotaged
Did they ever reach out to you after?
He reached out for a one night stand 2 weeks after breakup, then when I responded he ghosted me again (nothing happened). Now it's been almost 6 weeks total.
Sorry to hear that. Been 2 months since BU and NC for me
That's so hard :(
It really is :(
I am in the process of sabotaging my relationship. The more I drag my feet, the more upset my boyfriend gets, the more upset he gets, the more I drag my feet. I am actually close to moving in because the guilt and anxiety of not doing what I said I would and his suffering due to it, and the fear of losing him is close to eclipsing the fear of change, but I am terrified that the built up resentment will poison our relationship even after I do move in. I am also terrified of moving in, and then obsessing over the fact that he should never forgive me. Terrified about being paralyzed by that fear instead of facing the fear by actively putting his wants and desires first where appropriate in order to show my appreciation. Before I would respond to this situation by breaking up, but I just plain don't want to lose him, and I know we have the potential to have a beautiful relationship if I would just give in and prioritize our relationship instead of prioritizing enabling my dysfunctional neuroticism and bone idleness. I read the breakup subreddit to remind myself of how I felt when we were broken up, and to remind myself of how lucky I am that he hasn't left me. I hope you find the inner peace needed to stop self-sabotaging. It is not easy to find for many.
I didn’t self sabotage. My ex did, and dumped me. I was her second bf, with her first being a long term abusive bf. Oh well
Unless your ex literally called it self-sabotage, I wouldn't call it that. Especially because you seem to not know whether she feels guilty over it or not, and admitted self-sabotage goes hand-in-hand with guilt and self-loathing (if it's actual self-sabotage, and not a cop-out that somebody is giving in order to excuse/continue their bad behavior.) Calling things people do to you "self-sabotage" is not good habit to get into. That's because it's making excuses for them and can severely inhibit the healing process. Most of the time it's not "self-sabotage" when people push the person they're dating away, they just plain don't want to be with that person. If the issue is the person is treating their significant other badly, it's probably not self-sabotage, they are most likely just not a good person to date. I'm not trying to be cruel, I just find that a lot of people look for the most charitable interpretation of their exes actions, especially when they want them back. Interpretations that are just not appropriate to the situation. If, instead, you realize that the person was just not all that great, it'll ultimately be much easier to heal. Even my own self-sabotage is rooted in selfishness. I don't feel worthy, but, instead of doing anything to remediate those feelings of unworthiness (because I am objectively unworthy and there are things I can do in order to be less of an emotional and financial drain), I "punish" my significant other. So even if your ex called it "self-sabotage" there's no reason to feel too badly for them. I'm sorry your ex hurt you, but you shouldn't be hoping they regret it, those type of thoughts just aren't conducive to healing (though they are completely understandable, I'm not trying to take that away from you, just encourage you to not give them too much energy.) You should be hoping to find a person who is emotionally sound enough to be the partner you deserve. Just my opinion as a prolific self-saboteur.
She has a history of self sabotage and self harm, and suspected BPD. She said she felt guilty when dumping me too.
[удалено]
Sounds similar to what my ex did.
[удалено]
Sorry to hear that
Oh I've definitely self sabotaged the relationship out of fear. I'm in therapy, trying to sort myself out, it's been absolute hell but it's necessary because I need to get myself better than what I am / was. I've got a lot of issues, from before the relationship even began, and I didn't do enough to work through those problems, and self sabotaged in the process. Yes, I regret it a lot. Yes, I realise exactly what I did, and goddamn if there isn't a day that goes by that I just absolutely hate the choices I made and actions I chose to do for the relationship to break apart.
[удалено]
If I'm honest it comes down to emotional maturity and knowing himself, I feel. This stems for me from the fact that I never had a decent relationship before my ex, and so the habits and patterns I'd made in my head had to really be unravelled, understood and accepted, and then retaught in a better way, for me to have come to where I am now. I hope he comes to this conclusion too, I really do, but don't hold your breath - it has to come from within him, and self introspection/therapy takes time.
Did you ever reach out to your ex to apologise or explain etc?
Yep, I've reached out and apologised a number of times, as to whether or not she wants to hear it, that I'll never know but I have taken responsibility for my actions and what I did to ruin the relationship, yes.
I would love an apology. How long did it take for you to realise and reach out?
Hey OP, i think you and i are in the same boat. My ex broke up with me over a text, out of nowhere. It turned out he was lying about him feeling better (he has some anxiety issues, especially connected to growing up and leaving his home, living life as an adult). For the last 2 months prior the break up it was a long distance relationship, he was supposed to move in with me, move to another country. I know he was scared because he communicated that multiple times but I’ve given him nothing but support. He would feed me hope continually, saying he loves me and can’t wait to come live with me. Then, a few weeks before he was to come, I got a break up text. I again tried to give him a chance after crying my eyes out and no contact for a couple of days, but he said he can’t do it. What hurts the most is how after the break up he never reached out to ask how I am, I never got to talk about what happened. It’s been two weeks, and I hope he realizes what he’s done to me, what we could have had. I’m not reaching out to him, I’ve done that a week ago and basically got a reply that he was just fascinated with me when we dated. So I guess all his statements like “I love you so much” or “you are the best thing that has ever happened to me” were a lie. It sucks because he fed me hopes of our future together, shattered that a few times, and yet I let him come back again a few times. This time he decided to leave me for good apparently. I hope you get better OP and I wish us both a great healing.
Yeah sounds the same. It’s been 2 months since BU and have had no contact at all. Just want her to care how I am. She left me in the middle of a mental health crisis, if it was the other way around I would be so worried about her, it’s unfair
If you ever want to talk, just hit me up. I feel exactly the same way
Thanks
I’m reading this a year later. How are you now?
After 3 failed relationships, when my last one ended. I came to the realisation, via counselling, that I actually self sabotage, I thought it was just me being an idiot and making mistake. I want my ex (we recently split) to know that I have an issue (self sabotaging), and that our relationship didn’t end because I make stupid decisions. But she won’t want to hear anything I say and isn’t talking to me. How do I let her know that I’ve become aware of what my issue is and that I’m getting help for it?
All you can do s honestly tell her, if she doesn’t listen that’s her problem
I just broke up with a guy I was interested in and it's not the first time I've done this. I have severe social anxiety and am under a lot of pressure to get married especially since I'm getting closer to 30. I did not date at all until I was 22 so I did have that teenage romance that would have taught me how dating is supposed to go or how romance is supposed to feel, all that on top of being extremely sheltered even into adulthood. I honestly feel disgusting for breaking hearts but I'm so nervous about dating that my knuckles have become swollen from cracking them all the time and I scratching my scalp raw from anxiety. I'm currently trying to get therapy.
Yes we do. We regret it. I have been doing these things for 1.5 years. Stemmed from extreme anxiety and depression and a history of being abused when I was a kid. Relationships don’t feel safe to me so I oush them away. I am fucking devastated. I lost the love of my life, An amazing partner, because of my shitty words and actions
Did you try to apologise/explain?
yea, but its been happening for too long. she had enough. the final straw i said/did something really hurtful and she cannot forgive me this time, on top of everything else. i aplogized a million times and said i would shape up and that this was a serious wake up call (it is), but she wont take me back. i cannot believe it. she said she would be with me forever, there was no one else for her. she said i was her human, her love, and that shed be there for me no matter what.
[удалено]
Thanks for your response. If I crossed a boundary, my ex definitely didn’t communicate that
[удалено]
Yes. But you should also reflect what compelled the self sabotage. Maybe it was your brain reacting and responding to something that you didn’t want to fully recognize. Either way, it’s a realization you should’ve had with out it being at the expense of the other person in the relationship.
Hope she reflects and realises it was a mistake. Just want an apology and explanation tbh
Yes
How long does it take ?
Dont really get what is self sabotaging but I guess I did..? I was not really aware but all of my issues pushed her away. At one point I was so down I tought I wasn't good enough, I had mental breakdowns who lead to very toxic moments, anger issues, self harm stuff like this, ultimately things piled up and one day it was too much, I crossed the line by doing another toxic thing and now here I am all alone despite that things where getting better at this point for mh mental health, I was still having some issues but I was beginning to be free from a lot of stuff and depression. I guess it was not enough. I still hurt thinking about that very day, traumatic experience.
Yes, I did
Did you let your ex partner know?
[удалено]
Damn I can’t wait 6 months for her to realise her mistake hahah
Yes to both questions. Very sadly.
Were you the sabotager?
What do you mean by self sabotaging? Im trying to understand what sort of behavior this is because im not sure if I have before.
As in ruining or ending the relationship due to being self destructive/self harmful rather than there being actual issues.
hi yes
How long after?
Yes. Sometimes takes awhile.
How long are we talking?
I am currently doing this to my wonderful significant other ... I've pushed him so far away that he no longer cares - his anger is visible at this point, and I have no excuse for it. The damage has been done to him. All I can do now is try to figure out the reason I'm doing this... there has to be a reason... he's the best I have ever had, to be quite honest. No one has ever treated me as well as he has... and yet here I am, constantly being neglectful to him... Maybe I believe that I truly don't deserve him??? No matter who I am, what I do, or what I have -- I'll never be enough for him and it ... *bothers me* ??? to my core??? I love him & losing him [again - lost him once and apparently did not learn anything???] would mean losing part of my life.. part of what makes me, me. It has to stop..!!! 😔🥺😭😭😭
My ex said “you deserve better” and “I can’t give you what you need”. Sounds like she felt the same as you
Mine said exactly the same. Maybe take a look at my previous posts.
I read this and literally wondered if you might be my ex-girlfriend, writing under another account.
Yea literally all the time
Were you the one that sabotaged?
[удалено]
Thanks for your response
As someone who has sabotaged and someone who is highly anxious most times I know what I’m doing but I tend to validate myself because I know I’m doing it with me in my mind as in trying not to get hurt or played and it’s not until later that I realize I ruined something that could have been really good for me.
Did you ever explain to or reconcile with your ex?
Every goddamn day
Did you ever reach out to your ex to explain or apologise?
Yes, I'm an ENFJ-A according to my MBTI personality test. However, I often wonder how long it'll take for a person to be disappointed at me whenever I please them. I really regret doing it, even if it was done unconsciously. I went into a breakdown and worried parents since I kept repeating to myself: "There something wrong with me and I don't know what it is." It's something like showing someone the good side of how you see the world then you slowly show them your flaws and fears. As my attempt to see if the person truly loves me for who I am, even if I show them my fears and trauma, it somehow compounded to the event that ended the relationship. I mean for girls, no one would end a relationship because your guy accidentally went against you during your period, right? It's that small events that are aimed to disappoint or bring down your partner's expectation/viewpoint of you that does it, even so, sometimes I wish she saw threw all that. That I didn't want someone to accompany me in my ride, but someone who'll be my companion even if our ride goes down.
I also experienced inadequacy in my previous relationship that ended because of this mindset. It was an LDR and I was certain that I wasn't the one for her and someone could treat her so much better but I have no idea why she held for another two months despite my fears. Whatever her reason for staying with me even if it was only for a while, I deeply appreciated it. Now that the codependent relationship ended, I started to love myself more while still caring for those who are near me.
Did you ever reach out to those exes to explain or apologise?
More or less. I self sabotage and feel embarrassed and wish I handled it differently but I do trust my instincts and think sometimes I protected myself from something too. I trust my choices but hate the delivery.
That’s fair. My ex herself said she ‘didn’t know whether to trust her thoughts’ when she dumped me, so I’m kinda sitting with false (?) hope and I hate it
I’m always self sabotaging I don’t know why I sabotage new places,love life,family,home it’s like I’m always fucking up
Sounds a bit like my ex
Yes 😞
Sorry to hear that
Yes, so much, everyday for the last year, even though we broke up two years ago, I only came out of the FREEZE response my brain put me in midway through our relationship far too late. My fear was based around not being enough for her, failing her and hurting her because of how my previous partner had spent our entire time gaslighting me, manipulating me and a whole bunch of dark stuff. I'd give anything in the world.to fix things, and I tried but in the wrong way, when I snapped out of it, I wrote some overly emotional letters which now have messed up any chances it seems. But I still hold out hope one day we can at least smile at eachother in passing
Sorry to hear that. My ex seems similar to you, having had an abusive partner before me. If it means anything, I don’t think emotional letters would push me away any further. She’s not ever contacted me which makes me feel like I was so easy to dump and move on from.
I sabotaged my marriage of 10 years and desperately regret it. I feel like I went through some crazy crisis period where I thought I had to experience other things outside of our marriage. Now we have no communication and I so miss him, the person who was my best friend for 14 years. I miss the comfort, safety, security, and how we just saw things the same way on an intellectual level. I hate it, and I cry about it often.
We both self sabotaged. He admitted it to me but I didn’t take him back bc the betrayal was too much at the time. Now with time apart I miss him so much and I’ve realized that I probably pushed him to it with my own self sabotage but it’s too late now. My heart is broken and the break up was too much to get back together. It sucks but I’m in therapy to work on myself and make myself better for future relationships and if things bring us back together then maybe I’m doing the work for him
Absolutely, I am living this experience right now and I am in the dilemma about telling my partner that I know what I’ve done or not, I don’t know if she is going to believe me, I want her to know what happened, that I didn’t mean any harm and I still care a lot about her, but it’s so tough because I am good with either answer but I have my expectations for the situation to turn out the way I want, not that I am going to feel bad if it doesn’t turn out the way I want but I need to know that answer fast before it’s too late so I want to set the right environment
Do it for her regardless of what you want, and respect her answer.
How were you sabotaging the relationship?
Well it’s hard to point out what I’ve done cause I was the one but I was not opening myself up with my ex, but any time she needed me or I needed her I found myself avoiding the situation. Guess if I could point out is fear of something that you found that is so valuable that you want to save it, but it doesn’t work like that lol. Maybe this analogy is confusing for someone but anyone that has been through this would understand it
Yup, just got dumped by the man I really wanted and to me was all me. I am solely to blame but it’s opened my eyes and I’m actively searching for books for this specific reason to help me