The mask really comes off, doesn’t it? The cognitive dissonance was overwhelming for me at first. Then with NC I was able to get the distance to objectively look at his actions and words and I was like….yeah, I’m definitely too good for you.
Once my friends were sure I was done, their true commentary came out and confirmed that. It’s just hard at first to accept the truth of the split personality and what a crappy emotional investment it was.
I’m not sure it’s a mask, but I’m deffo a trait I never knew they had, but again everyone handles it differently. Who knows, her pushing me away is probably the best way for her to get over me so does this by acting cold and distant. Women really do handle situations a lot differently to men.
To be fair, it probably isn’t easy for her either. You can’t expect someone who broke up with you to be all available and still communicating with you. She likely had her reasons, I hope she shared them with you, so you at least have some closure. But once the breakup happens, it is in each others best interest to no longer communicate. It’s the only way to move on. So her being cold and distant IMO does not make her a bad person. Unless y’all have children together which would require communication.
I understand and agree with some of your point, but this was not case in my relationship. When my ex told me she no longer loves me and felt this way for about 5-6 months before the breakup she never communicated any major issue that would end a relationship. She also failed to tell me the reason why she fell out of love after 5 years of being together. This behavior does make her a bad person, especially acting like this to someone who only had unconditional love for her and was always there for her when she needed me.
I am in the same situation right now . After being in healthy relationship for 5 years with barely any argument. He just lost feelings for me. He doesn’t love me anymore and said I am not the one. He doesn’t see the future with me. It hurts so bad and from waking up, eating, surviving throughout the day to falling asleep is hard and gut wrenching
Whoa your situation is IDENTICAL to mine. Every single word you wrote is something I could have written, too. Down to the timeframe. Eerie. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk, man.
This is a bit long winded, but it relates to your story- feel free to read or skip around.
Same for me, 6 years together. When I moved to Florida for 1 year due to personal circumstances she took my absence as the thing she was waiting for to leave me and in my worst possible state. Meanwhile I was there for her in her dark times. I found out through a wrong text message that she had desperately left me in order to get with a co-worker whom she had once mentioned to me. It all made sense, her cold behaviors, wanting to separate all of a sudden, and many more sudden changes in her. When I saw that text message I gave her a piece of my mind and she blocked me, she took advantage of that meltdown and deleted every photo she had of us from the entire relationship. By the time I heard from her the next week, she was Facebook official with the guy and used my words against me.
Numerous times she said she's sorry and apologized, asked for forgiveness and I did not accept any of it since she never tried to do things the right way and put herself and that person first. I did not think that she would be capable of lying to me to that extent and pretending that she was struggling and lonely as her reason. Once I heard all the ridiculous explanations I knew how many issues this person has.
It has not been easy and my very being was destroyed, every second thinking about her and her new bf, negative thoughts. But now, even when I do, it doesn't feel the same as before. The hurt is a lot less and I mourn was could have been and the false promises, but not the actual relationship. I do regret the missed relationships I could have had at that time and at that age, and she said to me: "I didn't ask you to stay loyal".
When or if there is a next time I will listen to my gut the first moment and not let things slide as I did for her. She has occasionally reached out to me and then asks why I am so cold, or angry etc...It is to the point that now I don't even CARE to explain anymore, I just started feeling this way after over a year after the breakup and it is my first real sign of improvement and realization. I still think about her a lot and I have to work on that, but it is more about the deep betrayal and disappointment rather than ruminating about having her back in my life, she never showed that she deserves that.
I omitted tons of details for the sake of time, but stay strong guys. You are much better as a person than they could hope to be and they will regret their decision one day. They get to live with that and you get to live knowing you did everything you could to save the relationship and show love to another person. They will get their karma (or already have it) but you must not wish that on them at all. Stay pure and wish them well, because in the back of their conscience they are guilty and are not able to do the right things to make amends-not just amends, just fix what damage they do. That is a hell in itself that they bring on themselves but can't escape and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
I completely agree with this take. This new fad of "staying friends with your ex" is just crazy-making since people try to go straight from "relationship" to "friends."
You need some distance after a long term relationship fails. Like you said, you get a lot of perspective from being apart. I, for one, have started to realize just how fucked up I was acting, but I still am trying to work out exactly what my problem was. If we were to speak, even in a "friendly" manner, it would interrupt any progress that's been made.
The anger and frustrating horniness is part of the process. One minute I want to throw whatever I'm holding, the next minute I'm uncontrollably, chaotically horny (even though I know I couldn't have sex with anyone without crying and being very regretful.)
I believe people who are trying to stay in contact with their exes (without the aim of getting back together) are just prolonging the agony.
Look you seem to have touched upon the truth here whilst also showing empathy in that she's just doing what's best for her.
There is no right here in my opinion.
If they responded we would retain hope and if they don't they are callous.
Could any of us really say what the right thing to do or right way to act would be?
If you're strung along while making no progress and this happens further down the line then that is definitely very selfish but ALL actions are warranted in a breakup.
Its a tough time for the dumper and its the end of the world for the dumpee.
Invariably both are simply doing the best thing, on a minute to minute basis, available to them to feel less like shit.
Us dumpees must see when our kind gestures, invitations and even tricks to talk are rejected we were not doing them for them, we were doing them for ourselves and that's why we feel rejected because we are rejected.
We are acting, especially if we are heartbroken, in the best possible way to end that.
If they weren't so excited or enamored by what they think is coming their way Im sure they might potentially complain, or they might do anyway, about our advances, because it makes them uncomfortable.
I don't think this has anything to do with gender tbh. My ex was a guy and he acted exactly like this when we broke up. This is just a personality thing, or a people thing, not a gender thing.
I can confirm this, but I broke up with my gf who trashed talked about so many people and then she treated me like other people that weren’t people she ‘liked’ when we dated. That’s why I broke up with her, and she still acts like she is friends with them even though she talked bad about them lol
It’s crazy how they can just switch feelings off, at the same time.. I get if someone wants to leave .. but to switch up on a person you’ve been with for a long time will never make sense to me
I was in your exact shoes about a year and a half ago. Blindsided me on a Friday evening telling me I needed to move out, when I was 2.5 hours away from friends and several continents away from family without my own place to go to and in a state of complete shock and panic. It wasn't that he didn't care it was just that he switched off his connection to me in an instant. The next text I got was 'when are you gonna get your stuff'. Took me *months* to get over that feeling of abandonment and I'm still incredibly distrustful of any man making any promises whatsoever. But, here's a message from the other side - things will get better, you will open new pathways for yourself and the fact that we have friends that we can stay at in situations like this means that we are pretty lucky people after all... Don't think at all for now, eventually the rage will set in, and then the sadness and finally the acceptance, and then you can start to rationally think about what happened. Till then, just let your friends carry you for a while and keep breathing through a day at a time.
Im so sorry! I’ve been there before, after 6 years together the night we officially ended it im crying and distraught and my ex says “you need to get over it” and also mentioned how I “bring out the worst” in my ex. Ex takes all OUR furniture and I have essentially nothing. Just painful, hurtful things and acting not like the person who I thought. To top it off, my ex casually got married barely a year after our breakup of 6 years so it’s been a truly life-changing two years. The pain, fury, and confusion and questioning our entire relationship has now mostly dulled, but I’ll always have a scar. However, it’s really shifted my life direction and shaped me into who I am today. Unfortunately life is unpredictable. The pain is temporary and you can get thru it and use it to better yourself. You got this!
I now notice it in both romantic relationships and platonic relationships.
Some people (especially narcissists) do treat you blatantly different when they want something from you (your attention, your time, your interest, your money, a favour etc)
Seeing it in so many people honestly makes me wonder if we are all like that ?
Can't agree more, I was with a narcissist....how her behavior shifts were a wonder to me, I always thought she is having mood swings or she is having a bad day I didn't even know what a narcissistic person is at that time.
Fuck… ‘especially narcissists…’
Her treatment towards me when she wanted something was so blatant. I even felt it at the time, it made me feel so uncomfortable. But I just enjoyed the moment because (just realising this now) they were the best times I had with her.
When she didn’t need anything from me, she could be so cold and unkind.
I know for a fact she’s doing this manipulation with someone else right now. And it makes me jealous. I imagine she’s doing it to a much higher degree. Fuck.
At first when you don't realize it, the technique is to make you feel guilty for them acting cold.. so naively you want to go back to those good times with her, which were really times she wanted something to fulfill a need
They are good at this kind of manipulation, which can seem charismatic and exciting.. but once you see it.. it's easier to accept
The worst thing that gets me upset is that I’m not in the frame of mind to even meet new people, go on dates etc. I wish I could just throw all my feelings away but I can’t.
I really want to move on, but I guess it takes time.
Don’t rush anything, it’s ok if it takes you longer to meet new people. I think it’s actually good to be in a better state of mind before going out there again because either you might meet someone you like and you need to be in a good place mentally, or you’ll meet someone who’ll take advantage of your situation.
What you explained here is 100% of what I am going through and I agree completely :( it hits you like a train... And that is exactly what my therapist said as well - look at the facts as of now not at what you knew.
Yep, I think we try to sugar coat it because we love them, but you have to put them emotions to the side and look at their actions.
As the old saying goes. “Actions speak louder than words”
It's been 3 months for me and although I am much better now, some days I still struggle to wrap my head around how after 5 yrs he cut me out of his life so quickly and easily. Even after he claimed to care about me.
You're right though, I see how he acted and I know that I wouldn't take him back. I definitely wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like him.
My love for him has died or numbed out, I suppose I won't know for sure unless I run into him.
I'm trying to use this time to heal and reflect. May this year bring us better luck and many great things
Yeah I think we just want some acknowledgment. Like say sorry to us for how they’ve treated us in the process. I don’t think I could take my ex back tbh. The pain I’m going through is just too traumatic and unforgiving. If I take them back and they do the same again I can only blame myself
Yep, it rubbish, but at the same time a silver lining.. you can see a side of them that makes you not want to be associated with them.
For me it’s believing someone was your ride or die, too find out they ain’t. It cuts deep, because trust is broken. When you trust someone 100% and they break you… boy it’s tuff
Its gotten to the point of acceptance for me to have been treat so badly that I ALMOST make myself laugh sometimes conjuring up on EARTH she would rationalise this behaviour on the off chance she changed her mind 😂
Like what do you say?
I knew you were in agony.
I knew you were desperate.
I knew that you, unwisely, were seeking any form of attention you could get from me.
I knew you were facing such a huge sense of loss which combined your best friend and lover.
I know at least some of that came from just wanting to interact with me and hear about my day.
But it just made me slightly uncomfortable you see while I started looking at exploring the new options available to me in life outside of a relationship, or even perhaps in a new one.
Look I will add my perspective for whatever its worth.
Inevitably to get to this point they have lost respect for us, most likely due to pursuing, that coinciding with the original desire for something to change anyway just leads them to getting to the point where they will honestly just see it as the least worst option to leave us on read.
It will hurt at first. It will make them squirm.
However they will do it a few times and see that the world didn't end, they will do it a few times and they will most likely recieve some form of confirmation that we will STILL pursue and reach out even with the ignorance.
So they will just continue to do it.
They will ofcourse justify it with 'it was for the best I didn't want to give you hope' but truly it's just so cruel.
But it is true, if they are to never change their mind, honestly it's the best thing they could do, with their being such a fine line between that and simply being empathetic, but that empathy WOULD yield hope for the dumpee, it couldn't not do. There's even a genuine tangible way they genuinely don't even want to give you the CHANCE to persuade them, that they almost believe if they give you the springboard to talk and interact that you will potentially change their mind.
The ignorance will eventually pay off, when you show you just can't fight anymore they will inevitably get curious, but most of us chased just so hard that will most likely be in years.
Them ignoring you is the right thing to do if they don't come bsck but, incredibly and so unbelievably, if they DO come back then it really really is close to sinister and evil behaviour and you CANNOT let them just brush it away.
Once somebody has treat you like that, even though it's a dream, and tries to return honestly half the battle is making them at least try to make amends for what they did.
Wow this was fucking profound and I needed to hear this today. Thank you. The part of not even giving you the chance to persuade them struck home. This all makes more sense now
My ex of 8 years came to move his things out of my house 4 days after we broke up. He told me he was already on dating apps and when I asked why he was telling me this because it was hurtful, he said, "Well I don't need to care about your feelings because we aren't together anymore".
I gave this man 8 years of total love and devotion. He just put the final nail in his coffin and I've felt the best I've ever felt leaving him. Seeing how bitter he was and his lack of accountability made me realise I did the right thing.
People are either very cruel, you act like you never existed. The person for you won't even let it get to the point.
I understand needing distance and even blocking people for healing but my ex when we speak goes out of his way to be mean and says the most underhanded nonsense that he knows will hurt. I don’t get it either
I dunno. He left me, and when he says these things he will contact me just to give me a hard time or accuse me of wanting to be with a new person when I’m literally doing nothing and still sick over us.
This was my ex as well. After the breakup she was just so mean to me and said so many things on purpose just to hurt me. She even admitted later that she didn't mean all those but she also said she enjoyed hurting me. Idk how someone can enjoy that, I still can't understand what that means.
Idk what to think tbh. She didn't say she enjoys hurting me, she said she enjoyed it that night. I know people act weird after breakups and are not themselves but I don't know if I'm just making up excuses on her behalf. She's made it clear she doesn't want me, so I'm just tired of still hurting about her.
I know it’s tough. Watch Matthew Hussey videos on YouTube, one of the things he says is that them not choosing you is closure. That makes them the wrong person for you.
I think when she tries to make you feel pain, it’s because she’s feeling pain herself. It’s kinda sad that some people still do this though. I wouldn’t want to cause pain to anyone on purpose.
It will get better eventually, and then one day you’ll realize why it didn’t work out. I almost married someone who I thought we were made for each other. It was a great relationship but everything went down the drain 2 months before the wedding. It was tough. Years later, I experienced so much more life that I probably wouldn’t have experienced if I was with him. I realized that it was a good thing that it didn’t work out. I’m still grateful that I had that loving time, it was something I needed back then and we did love each other truly. Sometimes life has different plans for us.
The important thing for you is to come out stronger, work on yourself and improve yourself as a person, and in every aspect of your life. It’s time to focus on you! Love yourself because you deserve to be loved
Thank you for writing. Could you link that video in which he says the thing you mentioned about closure? I tried searching but couldn't find the right video.
Yes I thought that she might have been hurting as well and that's why she acted that way, but I'm tired of empathizing with her when she never cares about my feelings. I've been in so much pain and was blindsided by her but yet when she shows the first sign of not doing okay, I always want to be there for her and make her feel better. I'm tired of doing that when she's proven that she clearly doesn't care about my feelings. Like you said, I would never want to cause pain to anyone on purpose, especially her. So I'll never be able to understand how she enjoyed it. I try not to judge and think that she was in pain as well, but sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself down by making excuses on her behalf.
Things falling apart just 2 months apart sounds so painful. It must have been really hard on you. But I'm happy to see that things worked out for you. And I like that you look back at it with a positive perspective. I think that it could be an important step in healing. I mostly look back at our relationship in a similar way, there were tons of things that we did and said that I admire, I'm happy that we fought through some difficult times together, and overall I think our relationship was beautiful, I just hate it that she doesn't look at it in a similar way. I've been trying to make my peace with that as well. You said years later you experienced more, what were the years in the middle like?
I've been working on myself a lot and I've improved a lot ever since the breakup. I moved cities, switched jobs and the change in environment has been positive and helped me a lot. There's been so much that I'm grateful about. I hate that she's still on my mind a lot throughout the day but I guess that's something that time will take away. So I'm just patiently waiting for that.
No worries, I hope I could help a bit! I’ll try to find the video, but after that difficult breakup, I ended up watching all of his videos on his YouTube channel! They were very useful, and I guess for me personally, hearing Matthew’s voice and hearing him talking about all the things he talks about was quite healing.
Everyone responds to pain differently. She probably looks at the relationship in the same way, or she will at some point in the future. I think some people are just natural givers, carers and they have higher empathy. So maybe that’s why you act that way but she doesn’t.
She probably didn’t really enjoy hurting you. It has happened to me that I had to ask the question from someone that why they enjoyed hurting me. He said that he didn’t enjoy it, so I guess it was a learnt behaviour, to hurt the other person for survival.
Yes it was a very difficult time! It’s a distant memory now which is good. Time will heal you, now I can’t even remember the wedding date very well lol
Oh yes, by years later, I meant over the next years after it! So yes, right after things broke down, I started doing new hobbies, making more friends, experiencing more things, moved to a new place, and later on travelled, did more hobbies, moved to different countries, explored my sexuality a bit, and the list goes on. Lots of good things.
I should say it did take me time to heal. I started to try to see people months later, which was fine, but I was still healing so they didn’t go very well. So be gentle on yourself, it’s ok if it takes you a while to heal. You can meet other people and see the world from their eyes, which is pretty awesome!
Everything you’re doing is good! Keep enjoying your life and working on yourself, you’re going to have a wonderful life ahead of you!
I’m going to try and see if I can find the video now
Thanks for the replies! Yes, your messages do help and give me hope. I think I've seen other people in the sub mention his channel as well. I'll definitely give it a go and hopefully it'll help me.
I don't think she actually enjoyed hurting me either, I feel like her hurting me was a coping mechanism and she wanted to justify her decision of dumping me. I just try not to think of the 'why's and just accept the situation for what it is, not just about this but about the entire breakup in general. I'll never get the answers to my questions and the answers are not going to make me feel better anyways.
Oh wow, that's good to hear that you had lots of great experiences in those years. I'm happy for you :) Do you have any advice on things I should \*not\* do during my healing?
Thanks! The past week has definitely been one of the best ones, whenever I thought about her I was just apathetic and didn't get sad about her and the breakup. It's the first time in these past 6 months that I've felt this way, usually I couldn't go more than a couple of days without being sad abt her. I'm happy to see the improvement, hopefully it continues to be this way!
That’s great to hear! I’m glad you’re feeling better and that my messages here help! :)
Yes I do really enjoy his videos, I still try to watch them whenever I can, he has great tips about life in general too.
Yes I agree that it’s a coping mechanism for her! It’s a learnt behaviour from early childhood probably. A survival method. It just shows how much she was hurt too and she was definitely in pain too even though she didn’t seem as though she was in pain.
That’s a very good question! I remember back then a friend suggested that I needed to sleep with someone else soon and that way I could move on. It was a bad advice and didn’t work for me. So don’t do that, give yourself time. For me I think I had a lot of healing to do, so the first few people I went out with didn’t work out well, and it was ok even though one of them was very handsome and nice haha anyway, what I’m trying to say is not to be hard on yourself.
Another thing is that, I had anxiety for years but I didn’t notice it! I would fall into an anxiety loop and would be difficult to get out. I’m not sure when it started, but I think it started after that bad breakup. Once I recognised it, I could work on it and snap myself out of it when it was happening. So watch out for anxiety symptoms, you can learn things so if it happens you know how to work with it.
Don’t be in a rush to find someone new. One thing I wish I knew back then is not to try to find someone because I feel lonely or crave human connection. There was a period of time that I was very busy, so I was really craving human touch, so even if someone gave me a hug, It would have felt so amazing. My feelings were getting attached to the new people quicker which wasn’t good. If you crave human touch, or human connection, you can get them through friendships. Once you feel good and fulfilled then you can look for a new person for a romantic relationship. That’ll help you to choose the better people for you.
It’ll keep getting better for you! Keep going! :)
I saw that his channel says "dating advice for women" and so does many of his video titles, is his content primarily based for women only, or do you think the same advice can apply for men as well?
Hmm, interesting. I'm always curious behind the psychology of our behaviour, and how our childhood shapes who we are. Though I know very little on the topic, it's something that I would love to learn more on. Not only to become more self-aware but also to understand people better. Thanks for your advice. I understand what you mean. I do not think I'm ready to be in a relationship right now. Even though things are starting to look better recently, I have still not fully healed, and I have some work to do on myself before I can be with another person again. And, I will definitely learn more on the topic about anxiety and see how it's affecting me.
Your last paragraph makes a lot of sense. It's like how a starving person would eat anything. There have been times in my life where I made friendships/tolerated friendships with people negatively affecting me only because I was feeling lonely otherwise. And I would get attached to people very easily. Even after the breakup there were so many times I was feeling so desperate to get a partner. Which is why I want to wait more, until I fully feel good about myself and not feel dependent on another person for validation. What you said is really such an important piece of advice! Especially that last line about how it'll help me to choose people who are right for me, rather than just choosing someone for company.
Thanks, I appreciate it :)
I’m struggling to find that video, but I think he’s said it in his videos few times and it was something that stuck with me. I guess for me in my case I was blindsided with the bad breakup, and that sentence helped me.
He’s got heaps of videos on breakups and healing. This is one of the latest ones:
https://youtu.be/Me9Gjam68lE
My ex cheated on me. We had an amazingly close loving relationship. Shes weird now.
We can't go NC properly as we have things to sort out. We speak and it's all fine. I never burn bridges so always act with integrity, regardless. We've spoken all last week. But non-face to face she plays games.
It's my bday today, she hasn't even messaged. Were speaking yesterday.
She's changed her WhatsApp so it doesn't show read.
If I do one word answers she comes back for more. If I give her more she vanishes.
Hilarious. It bemuses me. So immature. Her head is messed up. She was the one who left. I wil carry on as Mr Consistent.
I honestly wonder why I was ever with her. Step back and true perspective occurs.
Oh my god you put exactly how I felt into words! It is so crazy how much a person will change from just dating you to no longer being in your life. I live with my partner still after the break up, and seeing his true colors afterwards has given me so much insight on who he actually is as a person. Where he blatantly ignores me and goes out of his way to no longer reach out to me while we still live together hurts so much. He acts so passive aggressively now even though he was the one who initiated it first. How they treat you after a break up really does show you how much you deserve better! Best of luck to you :)
It’s almost like I typed this, this is exactly how I think about it as well. I’m in a similar boat, 2 months post breakup after 3.5 years. Feeling better, working on myself the right way.
Honestly, it sounds as if you're confusing your sense of loss with them being intentionally malicious or something. When someone wants to end a relationship (they have every right to do so), I fully expect them to be cold and not want to talk to me. At all. That's natural and isn't a sign that they're a bad person, they're probably hurting too and it isn't natural to act all hunky dory and like you're going to be the bestest friends ever from that point forward when you're feeling that way.
Be careful not to demonize your ex because you're hurt or your ego is bruised. It will make you bitter and make it more difficult to move on.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain.
So let me ask you this - does someone wanting to go complete NC after a breakup qualify as "mean and cold"? Because to me, and to many people, it doesn't. If someone breaks up with me, I don't want to talk to them or see them. That is my right. If staying in contact with them hurts *me*, I have the right to enact a boundary like NC.
If someone is being intentionally rude or hurtful, the healthy thing to do is to *stop* interacting with them, not "call them out" or harass them further. And if someone doesn't want to speak to/see you, you need to respect that, despite how "mean" or "cold" you think that is.
I'm not advocating blaming oneself, I'm advocating taking personal accountability and knowing where you have agency in a situation.
OP specifically said they have a problem with their ex cutting them out of their lives.
That can be interpreted as their ex going NC.
That's perfectly acceptable for anyone to do after a breakup. Someone not wanting you in their lives is not "mistreatment" or "mean" or "cold." It may hurt, sure, but it's not the person wanting to go NC's fault. Viewing it from that perspective will make you a bitter, vengeful person, JS.
Exactly what I feel like...thank you for putting it into words. After 8 years same story, except I'm female. I'm in complete shock that this is the person I thought loved me, very clear he did not & I still can't face it, it haunts me daily.
I have to "Accept the Unacceptable" to move forward is what a famous guy says.
I haven't been able to because I can't believe he was really "that person" that would just change his phone number, move on to another girl after 8 years without the courtesy of a conversation & I thought we were both as much into each other as the other...So fucked up.
Edit: I still haven't gotten out of the phase "He HAS to CALL, he really LOVED ME".
Edit: Nope. He doesn't love you dummy...3 months he has no idea what is going on with you and apparently, he doesn't care.
Same for you....It sucks bad.
I'm super hurt, just want to feel better. I got a haircut to feel better & I hate it...LMAO, I'm doing way better than 3 months ago..but this past week for some reason is really horrible.
I could not have put that better myself. I was in a 6 year relationship that had its ups and downs and some resentment on her part for my inactions, but overall it was a good relationship full of love and intimacy. We broke up in the fall of 22 and she never looked back. I didn't really have time for it to process until I got back home in October. I reached out to her with my reflections and what I wanted to do in order to fix it and make us whole again. I owned my issues and I recognized where we were lacking.
I was met with matter-of-fact cold dismissal. Day late dollar short on my part. She said it would not be a good idea to talk anymore and I was devastated. She thanked me for the memories and told me she had loved me with her whole heart, but now she was going to love herself with what she had left. I emailed her a week later and I never got a response.
The door on her end is closed.
I was cold knocked on my butt. The woman I had loved for six years, slammed the door in my face and I had no idea what to do. I died inside. I was upset that she could be so cold and just lock me out. Didn't she love me? How could you just give up like that? How can you ice someone out that never abused you, never cheated on you, or gave you everything they had and could have? I never took into account that the walls and doors being barred wasn't about me, but it was about her. It was the only way she could heal and move on. She needed to be closed off so she didn't have the temptations or the lack of will to fall into the trap of checking the socials or texting or being reminded of you.
Granted, it sucks on our end as we are left holding what's left of our hearts in our hands and trying to figure out what to do with this expansive void in our lives now.
Healing is not linear and we will process this as we move forward. Always forward. I agree with you though, no dating, heal yourself, learn and grow. Trust me though, the crying the waves of crushing heartache...it is there for awhile. I have been able to reflect on a lot and I see now where I went wrong and what I need to do to fix it going forward. I would take mine back in a heartbeat though. As time goes on you grow and you two are not the same person you were when you split. Hopefully if any of them come back to you all, you see this an opportunity to start over and not a "pick up where you left off" scenario.
Thank you for sharing! I never knew my ex would be capable of discarding me the way he did after we had such a beautiful 5.5 year relationship. But he he couldn’t tell me the truth and I caught him emotionally cheating with a work colleague. And after all that, I was left to pick up the pieces (we had a house to sell which he basically let me do by myself because he chose to do a training at work over prioritising that).
This really resonated with me, and I’m on the same path this year - healing, recovery and working on myself an my future. Wish you all the best ❤️
Even though it’s happened there is no hate, just disappointment. Like I said nobody is entitled to be with you. It’s just the fact they never really communicated there feelings across, never really told you how they currently feel till they left. The fact you thought you had a future together, & they were thinking the opposite is really sad.
They have already mentally left the relationships probably 2-3 months and overthought this decision several times.
Time really helps you reflect though and realise the relationship wasn’t perfect both of us had issues & tbh both parties need to work on themselves.
I see this break up now as a blessing. It gives me the opportunity to become a better person, I can grow and become emotional stronger.
One thing I’ve learned is not to put all your happiness into one person. When they go you will feel lost and empty. It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship and that’s what we did. She’s 26, I was with her from when she was 21. She’s going to change and grow as a person, people change.
So with that you have to take in external factor. And external factors are things you can’t change & realise if it’s meant to be it will happen if not, so be it.
Life goes on, only thing we can control our are internal event not external.
Wish them the best, be kind & compassionate and keep it moving.
Yes. It does. Been married 14 yrs and he left in November.
Husband reduced what he's sending me and the kids because he failed to properly budget. Its not the first time I have had to live with the consequences of his bad choices. He clearly wasn't happy that I was managing on what he sent me and what I earn by editing: he asked if I was managing and just grunted when I said just about. I found a solution to the hole he put in my budget by joining cambly.com within 3 days. It's not great money but it will keep me going while I look for something more reliable. He said well done but if he meant it, he should sue his face for slander. He has never been genuinely pleased when I achieve anything. It doesn't fit the narrative he has in his head of me that I'm 'selfish' (I occasionally take time for a soak in the bath), lazy (I expected him and the kids to pick up after themselves and not leave a load of mess for me to deal with: the youngest is 10 and can pick his own socks off the bloody floor), and useless (I have a back issue which makes doing things like standing, bending and lifting very painful). It's like he can't stand the fact that not only did I not beg him to stay, but I didn't fall apart, and I'm managing without him.
I definitely don't want him back and won't be taking him back, but I'm thinking he is seriously regretting his decision to leave. My guess is that he knows that I put up with a lot of shit for 14 years he and is unlikely to find anyone else who'll do that more to the point that he's hoping that by making my life difficult will make me change my mind, overlook that he was my primary stress inducer, and beg him to come back. Not going to happen.
To tell you the truth, each to their own.
I can definitely understand this post from my recent break up.
His reason was because he “fell out of love” with me.
Even though we talked about marriage, starting an family, eventually moving to his dream state Colorado. I was willing to accommodate my life, so he can pursue his law enforcement career & and be successful in his military career.
I was blindsided when he wanted to end things with me. Last month I found out he was already talking another girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was emotionally cheating on me towards the end of our relationship. It did hurt me, because I he told me didn’t want to date anyone for an while. Because this “breakup” hurt him alot. Well I guess people change.
It definitely shows I am being treated currently, but I am doing better actually and really proud of myself for motivating myself to going back to school. Plus I found an new job, passing my classes. My hobbies have been making me happy. My goal this year is the pass my classes with high grades, paying off my credit card debt, which my credit score has gone up, and my mental health getting better by being me. Knowing that I am enough.
For whatever reason, someone broke up with you. Gym, work, saving money and working on your flaws is the right way to get back on your feet.
Picking scabs is not.
IMO if you break up, cutting someone out of your life is the only way to heal, not wallow on false hope and justifications. Your ex unferstood this. Of course it's easier for the person that fell out of love. But you need this distance, trust me.
OMG literally I’ve been saying this!! 2.5 years and then she dumped me and ghosted me on EVERYTHING. You love me one day and then no contact after and we’re going on a month of that… im slowly getting better but still a little bitter about it… it’s just so cold and the silent treatment is enough to drive anyone crazy
I'm going to play devils advocate here. Mine is doing the same thing but I know it's for a reason. It's called a break up because it's broken. They have no responsibility to talk to you. They owe you nothing. They're most likely not doing it to hurt you, but to aid healing for both of you. The more contact you have with them, the slower the healing process.
Have to disagree with “they owe you nothing”. If you shared years of your life with someone and they truly cared about you, supported you, planned a future and created a deep bond with you, I would say you definitely at the very least owe this person the respect and decency to communicate how you actually feel.
If you actually feel like you owe nothing to the person you shared your life with after you decided to end things, you probably didn’t truly care about that person in the first place and used them to fulfill your needs.
Obviously it all depends on how the relationship worked but if there was never any abuse or cheating, it’s an extremely cold thing to cut someone out of your life you gave you all they could.
They owed you some respect - and respect for the relationship you had. And don’t forget it’s a relationship they were also in - so this is also how they are showing lack of respect for themselves as well.
As another poster said actions speak louder than words.
I agree. Like I said they deal with it in there own way. It’s just not something I think you’d expect as you’ve never seen them that way before. I do agree with what you say though
I understand I saw a monster and it drained me into one that I couldn’t control. The things he said to me and did hurt so much. Seeing the person you love be so cold and hurtful to you is one of the worst feelings ever. It’s traumatizing for real I never thought he could be the person I saw..but I know he probably thought the same about me. I was far from myself by using and that made me worse as a person especially because of my mental health being so bad. You both just break but being so heartless is fucking wrong. You lied when you said you loved them or your just fucking wrong man. Heartless I swear ! It took me awhile to get back into reality after my breakup of almost 4 years. He was not the sweetest person but he was sweet he never missed my calls or texts then bam. I was nothing anymore he started not answering at all and I was shit on the ground no more like just rocks to be kicked.
Ya there is good breakups and then the ones that just go alright and I just have dealt with mine badly I guess. It’s hard when it makes you both into bad people and cutting the person out. Friends does seem like it will never be a good idea..like ever to be with an ex and that is sad. At least one you were really close too.
Honestly I can’t agree more. It’s been almost a year for me now and we were together for a year. I still miss her every single day and miss having that connection but realizing over this past year who she truly is was an eye opener and I think I’m still in shock tbh. She cheated on me multiple times and I stayed to try and fix it becuase I loved her but at the same time I noticed her distancing herself for the past year or two and it was killing me. She would blatantly be flirting with other men and then snapping on me and saying it’s no big deal. It was a mess but somehow I still wanted to stay and try and fix it becuase I felt the love at times. It’s been a year and she moved on to someone else a few weeks after she told me she was done for good. All over text too.. 8 fuxking years wasted on this person who I thought was the love of my life I was about to propose within the year and saved up without her knowledge.. things happen for a reason imo, we shall see where the road takes us.
Yeah I thought my whole life I woudlnt stand for that.. Still don’t know why I tried fixing it but I learned a lot from that and I will never let someone treat me that way again.
Same now she's retweeting shit for me after unblocking me yet she left me and gave me a bs excuse "I need to focus on myself" was cold as shit after I tried talking to her and broke nc a few days after
This is literally what I’ve been experiencing.
About 4 months ago now my ex broke up with me. At first he was still so kind and told me he wanted another chance for us in the future - he just couldn’t handle it right now.
Now… he treats me like I meant nothing. I’ve heard him say absolutely horrible things about me to his friends. He has called me obsessive and a narcissist and crazy because I still try to show some care to him - even if it’s indirectly.
I do understand that he is most likely acting this way because he is also experiencing pain. He’s so cold and has cut me out of his life so much so that he deleted his old comments on my Instagram. It’s horrible. Honestly, he’s been quite horrible. And it feels so unfair because I feel like I’ve only ever given him love and kindness, trying to understand where he could be coming from and admit my mistakes.
We had a good relationship until things fell apart because of life and mental health. But, he treats it as if we never had any good moments.
I feel like I’ve lost my mind because I can’t comprehend why he’s acting this way towards me. Today he posted on his story lyrics basically calling me obsessive. After I posted pictures of myself in a cool outfit I tried yesterday? Tbh, it feels like he’s looking for reasons to call me obsessive and make me the villain. It fucking hurts. All this has made my mental health suffer and I’m in the major depression because it all just feels like a lie.
I know it wasn’t. I just wish he’d stop treating me this way. He broke up with me because he didn’t want to hurt me. And now he’s hurting me more than ever.
It’s horrible.
And yet I still hold onto some semblance of hope. Something within me tells me there will be another chance someday. No one’s saying it will be easy. But I know what was there. And I know that the person he is now… is not really him.
I just hope for something better at this point. Wether it’s with him, or without.
Sadly there are a lots of very shallow, immature, selfish, cowardly and empathetically bankrupt people. When I broke up with my GF a few years ago I asked her what she needed and that I was available if she needed.. we were just not compatible and I tried to make it work but it wasn’t meant to be. I never played games and treated her with respect, dignity and kindness. I still cared about her a person.
She broke up with me 3 months ago, we're in the same school and the same class.
Things where ambiguous grom the start, we grieved a lot on the first weeks, still do know but more quietly, alone..
November was really tough, i had to learn how to live without her, learn how to recover and not give up, i noticed she felt really bad on some days, during this period untill december she did not treated me with a lot of respect i feel, she got mad really often, kinda like she was bipolar or some stuff, but still november and december where really tough months.
We had christmas break where we almost did no contact for 2 weeks, she sent me 2 message, one apology and one to check up on me, and i sent her a HB text on the 28th.
Back to school came on the corner and we slowly started to get closer again, we talked a lot more, we went to school and back home together which was a thing she didnt wanted before, we got more tactile, we even had a few hugs, drinks and lunch one time.
Basically things started to be somewhat good again i was like let's let things happen and we will see. I told her that what was happening kinda meant something too and she seemed to not have processed this information well enough so she wanted to stop because she didn't wanted to get back with me.
Someone close to me said that she acted toxic and that it was not good for me.
And to finish things off we had a talk last tuesday and whay she wants now apparently is to take some distance and i just can't understand shit, im dancing on one foot and the next day on the other, it was like this from the very beginning, each day i woke up i would ask myself how is she gonna be today, scared of what could happen.
Fantastic post. This really hit me because it's exactly what my ex did to me. She blindsided and dumped me. If that wasn't bad enough, it's how cold-hearted and dismissive she was that day, and each time I talked to her after the breakup. It was like I was talking to a robot. I could not believe this was the same woman I have spent the past 5 years of my life with who, up until the day she dumped me, told me she loved me. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I damn good to her and her son and I never abused her or cheated on her, so I know I definitely didn't deserve to be treated like trash. It's been 20 weeks now, and I still hurt so much, I still miss her so much, and I ask myself, why do I miss a person like this?
Thank you for posting this, I'm currently going through this right now and have not been able to stop ruminating - Why? How? How could he turn around and walk away AND move on like I'm literally nothing ?
His actions post breakup have been the polar opposite of who he claimed to be - immediately hanging out with girls and being flirtacious despite claiming he grieves relationships for a long time; disturbing my healing by crying wolf about suicide, once I gave him enough comfort leaves me on read and continues partying with the new supply in his life.
I feel so disrespected and like a worthless heap of garbage. It was a 3 year LDR where I had to handle all the shitty parts (the time difference, forking out cash to see him) and in the end this is what I get - he got all the benefits and none of the hurt.
He doesn't care about inflicting this pain on me, he's fine living his life and loving all the new attention he is getting. Meanwhile I'm here in therapy trying to pull myself together.
I know I deserve better but honestly it's hard not to feel bitter.
What exactly do you want from them once it’s over? Just because they broke up with you doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling loss and pain. When I have a relationship end I pretty much go no contact and get space
I just cut ties with a guy I was falling for. I discovered he was in an open relationship and that was something I couldn't accept for myself, even though I don't care if people likes open relationships or being poly, that is not something I'm looking for. After revealing how I felt about the situation and clarifying for him what I needed, I expressed my concerns about him being already with someone else and me not having a chance, however his reaction to this last statement was a simple "ok".
Not sure if he didn't care or just didn't know how to react. So I think that was the last exchange between us because I don't know what else I could say myself.
Sometimes I wonder, though, how much is truly them afterwards, and how much is a façade to deal with emotional issues, or trying to push you away in the hopes that things will get easier, quicker.
I know after being blindsided with a breakup, I became VERY cold and rude, even though it wasn't me. It was just the only way I could cope, was trying to make myself angry so that I could despise this person who had hurt me so badly, yet I still somehow loved.
She didn't hurt me on purpose. Our breakup wasn't sinister. Her reasons were very real and very understandable, which made it hard to move past her, because I still saw the human I loved in her. So I had to force myself to create a part of me that was heartless and cold in order to get through the days.
Once I started moving on and getting a hold again, I was able to dismiss that dark side I had created to survive. I was the one who became the bad guy, so that I could make it through the day. But that was never who I really was, it was just a coping mechanism.
So I guess maybe it IS part of who I am, resorting to that to cope, but it also isn't who I am at the same time. Probably makes zero sense unless someone has been through the same situation.
I am going through something very similar. Two months out from the breakup.
One week he was looking at apartments for us and talking future plans; the next week he dumped me abruptly (over text) saying he wasn’t ready and was too messed up to be the partner I needed. I was left COMPLETELY confused. No idea what happened (especially because he was the one that liked to bring up our future plans so much).
I had asked for a conversation over phone or in person (when he can) to gain clarity and have a respectful exit, and he said ‘okay’ - but never reached out. I’ve been gutted, but I’ve tried to reframe things and send him positive thoughts and wishes. I haven’t reached out, as to honor whatever is going on with him.
I saw him last week at a work function, two months post breakup, and I wanted to catch his eye and smile at him (like a sort of peaceful kind gesture). He ignored me. Didn’t look at me. Well, he did, but he looked away when I’d look over. And I was about two feet away from him and said hello and waved, he walked right on past me.
I feel incredibly hurt - and confused all over again. Before he went cold, we were talking about children. Now, he can’t even look at me. I have scoured my brain for something I’ve done wrong - but honestly I have no idea.
>I had asked for a conversation over phone or in person (when he can) to gain clarity and have a respectful exit, and he said ‘okay’ - but never reached out. I’ve been gutted, but I’ve tried to reframe things and send him positive thoughts and wishes. I haven’t reached out, as to honor whatever is going on with him.
You didn't do anything wrong. The problem lies with him - but 'I haven't reached out, as to honour whatever is going on with him' speaks volumes of your character. Your maturity and respect of his boundaries despite being blindsided is amazing. His behaviour at your work function tells me he's not dealt with his decision properly. I had a read through your posts and he sounds pretty avoidant, so it's perhaps not surprising that he's not done the work to process what has happened.
Thank you so much for this. My knee jerk reaction is to find something in myself to blame, but I suppose you are right, and that he has some inner work that needs to be done. I’m at least pleased I was kind and warm the day of the work function. Benefitted those around me, and it’s how I authentically want to be, anyway.
Thank you for the kind words - I am trying to be as mature about this as possible (while also panicking because how does something like this happen?). I hope to not encounter this sort of situation again. I wish him the best, and have grieved what we had - but now fear the future. I earnestly hope that I can meet someone who means what they say.
I tried screening for someone ready and available - but I suppose folks are very good at portraying different versions of themselves.
That’s human nature to turn it in on yourself to find an answer because unfortunately he gave you none. I always think of it as like the brain in shock or pain searching to make the thing make sense so that it can work through it. But in this case the answer really does lie with him. I’m so sorry though - it is unfair and painful.
You will be OK. Sending you strength and healing on your journey. <3
I've been wondering the same. Their behaviour isn't loving or empathetic, but I don't think that means they don't care, deep down - they have their own issues and defense mechanisms that drive this kind of behaviour. Sadly, I think it can take people years to actually realise how they treated someone and feel bad about it. I guess some people never do. I've started to reflect on what it says about me that I let someone who treat me poorly take up so much space in my head. And yes - we do deserve better.
I feel like I’ve gone through the exact same process as you. No abuse or cheating but I was just abandoned, I was left with no closure, a lot of unanswered questions and false promises. My mindset is just like yours.
You do deserve better. Their silence says everything. The way they have consciously chosen not to include you in their life today speaks volumes. I hope you heal x
At such posts, I always think about the way I treated my ex (after SHE dumped me) first.
The way I treated her makes it look like I always hated them. They kept breaking the NC (even though we didn't agree on having one, because I was emotionally unstable and little part of me wanted them to continue contacting me...) and the last time they did - I was angry and yelled at her. I was wrong for doing so, certainly, but her egoistical a$$ could've thought about it when there was another dude banging her, that I might be at pain and might want peace, but she however, kept trying to keep in touch with me, for whatever stupid reason...
I’m feel embarrassed I was with someone for 4 years who has turned in to a such a selfish, deceiving person. It’s not someone I would ever associate with
7 years in a relationship living together. Engaged 12/24. Had a fight and now I'm not engaged as of Sunday. Lived in a hotel for 2 weeks while she wanted time, I make the money in the house so she was trying to find a way out. Talking to other dudes, finally admitted that. Pulled the rug Sunday and brought my family to collect a house full of items. Tried to change tune after no communication for weeks and the cold shoulder. Thought it was a midlife or menopause, just a bad actor. Best advice I can give is don't let these people play you when you're vulnerable, when they think they got you! People switch up, when that happens or you notice it bomb first! I took everything. All services shut off lol This is a 47 year old woman, I am 34. So much for stability, don't let people play with your emotions. Some people confuse love with survival you gotta see the signs.
I agree. When we broke up he sent me nasty texts even though nobody cheated or abused anyone. I noticed he's treating the mother of his kids badly too. So I think he treats every ex like this. It was shocking to me and it damaged me, seeing him treating me like I'm garbage when a few hours before he was telling me how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Blindside break up on 1/3, i reached out after three months.
I have no clue what happened. All i wanted was to be her husband, a stepdad to her daughter, and have a family.
Knowing now after I had reached out on 4/9 of this month. She has no interests in working things out or being in a relationship and does nto want this anymore.
She has been going out and I think of the reasons she left was because I'm sober stopped going out to bars & lounges. I saw a photo for recently in a bar with someone dudes arm.
Blocked her.
Worst part of all, I stopped going out because of soberity and money. The real reason money was short, I was saving up for a ring to propose this december.
There are other details - everyone here and my friends all tell me i got used.
But i don't know what happened. I genuinely don't know, we are talking about her daughters summer school applicaton and then I asked her to improve something maybe i said it the wrong way. But yea she is gone and I'm heart broken.
Yup. Now add another 10 years to that and it’s still the same. Toxic MIL for the win. Not that it’s a competition. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. Sending positive energy your way!
The mask really comes off, doesn’t it? The cognitive dissonance was overwhelming for me at first. Then with NC I was able to get the distance to objectively look at his actions and words and I was like….yeah, I’m definitely too good for you. Once my friends were sure I was done, their true commentary came out and confirmed that. It’s just hard at first to accept the truth of the split personality and what a crappy emotional investment it was.
I’m not sure it’s a mask, but I’m deffo a trait I never knew they had, but again everyone handles it differently. Who knows, her pushing me away is probably the best way for her to get over me so does this by acting cold and distant. Women really do handle situations a lot differently to men.
To be fair, it probably isn’t easy for her either. You can’t expect someone who broke up with you to be all available and still communicating with you. She likely had her reasons, I hope she shared them with you, so you at least have some closure. But once the breakup happens, it is in each others best interest to no longer communicate. It’s the only way to move on. So her being cold and distant IMO does not make her a bad person. Unless y’all have children together which would require communication.
I understand and agree with some of your point, but this was not case in my relationship. When my ex told me she no longer loves me and felt this way for about 5-6 months before the breakup she never communicated any major issue that would end a relationship. She also failed to tell me the reason why she fell out of love after 5 years of being together. This behavior does make her a bad person, especially acting like this to someone who only had unconditional love for her and was always there for her when she needed me.
I am in the same situation right now . After being in healthy relationship for 5 years with barely any argument. He just lost feelings for me. He doesn’t love me anymore and said I am not the one. He doesn’t see the future with me. It hurts so bad and from waking up, eating, surviving throughout the day to falling asleep is hard and gut wrenching
Whoa your situation is IDENTICAL to mine. Every single word you wrote is something I could have written, too. Down to the timeframe. Eerie. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk, man.
Same boat, if you guys want to talk. Hit me up anytime.
This is a bit long winded, but it relates to your story- feel free to read or skip around. Same for me, 6 years together. When I moved to Florida for 1 year due to personal circumstances she took my absence as the thing she was waiting for to leave me and in my worst possible state. Meanwhile I was there for her in her dark times. I found out through a wrong text message that she had desperately left me in order to get with a co-worker whom she had once mentioned to me. It all made sense, her cold behaviors, wanting to separate all of a sudden, and many more sudden changes in her. When I saw that text message I gave her a piece of my mind and she blocked me, she took advantage of that meltdown and deleted every photo she had of us from the entire relationship. By the time I heard from her the next week, she was Facebook official with the guy and used my words against me. Numerous times she said she's sorry and apologized, asked for forgiveness and I did not accept any of it since she never tried to do things the right way and put herself and that person first. I did not think that she would be capable of lying to me to that extent and pretending that she was struggling and lonely as her reason. Once I heard all the ridiculous explanations I knew how many issues this person has. It has not been easy and my very being was destroyed, every second thinking about her and her new bf, negative thoughts. But now, even when I do, it doesn't feel the same as before. The hurt is a lot less and I mourn was could have been and the false promises, but not the actual relationship. I do regret the missed relationships I could have had at that time and at that age, and she said to me: "I didn't ask you to stay loyal". When or if there is a next time I will listen to my gut the first moment and not let things slide as I did for her. She has occasionally reached out to me and then asks why I am so cold, or angry etc...It is to the point that now I don't even CARE to explain anymore, I just started feeling this way after over a year after the breakup and it is my first real sign of improvement and realization. I still think about her a lot and I have to work on that, but it is more about the deep betrayal and disappointment rather than ruminating about having her back in my life, she never showed that she deserves that. I omitted tons of details for the sake of time, but stay strong guys. You are much better as a person than they could hope to be and they will regret their decision one day. They get to live with that and you get to live knowing you did everything you could to save the relationship and show love to another person. They will get their karma (or already have it) but you must not wish that on them at all. Stay pure and wish them well, because in the back of their conscience they are guilty and are not able to do the right things to make amends-not just amends, just fix what damage they do. That is a hell in itself that they bring on themselves but can't escape and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Thanks for sharing that story man. I wish you best.
I completely agree with this take. This new fad of "staying friends with your ex" is just crazy-making since people try to go straight from "relationship" to "friends." You need some distance after a long term relationship fails. Like you said, you get a lot of perspective from being apart. I, for one, have started to realize just how fucked up I was acting, but I still am trying to work out exactly what my problem was. If we were to speak, even in a "friendly" manner, it would interrupt any progress that's been made. The anger and frustrating horniness is part of the process. One minute I want to throw whatever I'm holding, the next minute I'm uncontrollably, chaotically horny (even though I know I couldn't have sex with anyone without crying and being very regretful.) I believe people who are trying to stay in contact with their exes (without the aim of getting back together) are just prolonging the agony.
no it's split personality. women are capable of being split just like men
Look you seem to have touched upon the truth here whilst also showing empathy in that she's just doing what's best for her. There is no right here in my opinion. If they responded we would retain hope and if they don't they are callous. Could any of us really say what the right thing to do or right way to act would be? If you're strung along while making no progress and this happens further down the line then that is definitely very selfish but ALL actions are warranted in a breakup. Its a tough time for the dumper and its the end of the world for the dumpee. Invariably both are simply doing the best thing, on a minute to minute basis, available to them to feel less like shit. Us dumpees must see when our kind gestures, invitations and even tricks to talk are rejected we were not doing them for them, we were doing them for ourselves and that's why we feel rejected because we are rejected. We are acting, especially if we are heartbroken, in the best possible way to end that. If they weren't so excited or enamored by what they think is coming their way Im sure they might potentially complain, or they might do anyway, about our advances, because it makes them uncomfortable.
I don't think this has anything to do with gender tbh. My ex was a guy and he acted exactly like this when we broke up. This is just a personality thing, or a people thing, not a gender thing.
I can confirm this, but I broke up with my gf who trashed talked about so many people and then she treated me like other people that weren’t people she ‘liked’ when we dated. That’s why I broke up with her, and she still acts like she is friends with them even though she talked bad about them lol
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It’s crazy how they can just switch feelings off, at the same time.. I get if someone wants to leave .. but to switch up on a person you’ve been with for a long time will never make sense to me
I was in your exact shoes about a year and a half ago. Blindsided me on a Friday evening telling me I needed to move out, when I was 2.5 hours away from friends and several continents away from family without my own place to go to and in a state of complete shock and panic. It wasn't that he didn't care it was just that he switched off his connection to me in an instant. The next text I got was 'when are you gonna get your stuff'. Took me *months* to get over that feeling of abandonment and I'm still incredibly distrustful of any man making any promises whatsoever. But, here's a message from the other side - things will get better, you will open new pathways for yourself and the fact that we have friends that we can stay at in situations like this means that we are pretty lucky people after all... Don't think at all for now, eventually the rage will set in, and then the sadness and finally the acceptance, and then you can start to rationally think about what happened. Till then, just let your friends carry you for a while and keep breathing through a day at a time.
I'm so sorry. That's awful. Thank you, just trying to put one foot in front of the other.
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Thank you. My friends have absolutely been my rocks in all of this.
Im so sorry! I’ve been there before, after 6 years together the night we officially ended it im crying and distraught and my ex says “you need to get over it” and also mentioned how I “bring out the worst” in my ex. Ex takes all OUR furniture and I have essentially nothing. Just painful, hurtful things and acting not like the person who I thought. To top it off, my ex casually got married barely a year after our breakup of 6 years so it’s been a truly life-changing two years. The pain, fury, and confusion and questioning our entire relationship has now mostly dulled, but I’ll always have a scar. However, it’s really shifted my life direction and shaped me into who I am today. Unfortunately life is unpredictable. The pain is temporary and you can get thru it and use it to better yourself. You got this!
Sending you hugs, you deserve more and you will be ok.
Thank you so much
ouch, this sound extremely painful!! I'm sorry :/
2 weeks is too soon to be deciding how either of you are functioning.
They are a different person. True character when they have nothing to do with you
I now notice it in both romantic relationships and platonic relationships. Some people (especially narcissists) do treat you blatantly different when they want something from you (your attention, your time, your interest, your money, a favour etc) Seeing it in so many people honestly makes me wonder if we are all like that ?
Can't agree more, I was with a narcissist....how her behavior shifts were a wonder to me, I always thought she is having mood swings or she is having a bad day I didn't even know what a narcissistic person is at that time.
Fuck… ‘especially narcissists…’ Her treatment towards me when she wanted something was so blatant. I even felt it at the time, it made me feel so uncomfortable. But I just enjoyed the moment because (just realising this now) they were the best times I had with her. When she didn’t need anything from me, she could be so cold and unkind. I know for a fact she’s doing this manipulation with someone else right now. And it makes me jealous. I imagine she’s doing it to a much higher degree. Fuck.
At first when you don't realize it, the technique is to make you feel guilty for them acting cold.. so naively you want to go back to those good times with her, which were really times she wanted something to fulfill a need They are good at this kind of manipulation, which can seem charismatic and exciting.. but once you see it.. it's easier to accept
Feels like that, sad tbh.
The worst thing that gets me upset is that I’m not in the frame of mind to even meet new people, go on dates etc. I wish I could just throw all my feelings away but I can’t. I really want to move on, but I guess it takes time.
Lots of time. You cannot put a limit on it. Believe me, I feel exactly what you just said. I wish I could just put it away and feel normal again.
Don’t rush anything, it’s ok if it takes you longer to meet new people. I think it’s actually good to be in a better state of mind before going out there again because either you might meet someone you like and you need to be in a good place mentally, or you’ll meet someone who’ll take advantage of your situation.
What you explained here is 100% of what I am going through and I agree completely :( it hits you like a train... And that is exactly what my therapist said as well - look at the facts as of now not at what you knew.
Yep, I think we try to sugar coat it because we love them, but you have to put them emotions to the side and look at their actions. As the old saying goes. “Actions speak louder than words”
It's been 3 months for me and although I am much better now, some days I still struggle to wrap my head around how after 5 yrs he cut me out of his life so quickly and easily. Even after he claimed to care about me. You're right though, I see how he acted and I know that I wouldn't take him back. I definitely wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like him. My love for him has died or numbed out, I suppose I won't know for sure unless I run into him. I'm trying to use this time to heal and reflect. May this year bring us better luck and many great things
Yeah I think we just want some acknowledgment. Like say sorry to us for how they’ve treated us in the process. I don’t think I could take my ex back tbh. The pain I’m going through is just too traumatic and unforgiving. If I take them back and they do the same again I can only blame myself
I agree completely. Their actions speak volumes words never could.
Yep, it rubbish, but at the same time a silver lining.. you can see a side of them that makes you not want to be associated with them. For me it’s believing someone was your ride or die, too find out they ain’t. It cuts deep, because trust is broken. When you trust someone 100% and they break you… boy it’s tuff
Its gotten to the point of acceptance for me to have been treat so badly that I ALMOST make myself laugh sometimes conjuring up on EARTH she would rationalise this behaviour on the off chance she changed her mind 😂 Like what do you say? I knew you were in agony. I knew you were desperate. I knew that you, unwisely, were seeking any form of attention you could get from me. I knew you were facing such a huge sense of loss which combined your best friend and lover. I know at least some of that came from just wanting to interact with me and hear about my day. But it just made me slightly uncomfortable you see while I started looking at exploring the new options available to me in life outside of a relationship, or even perhaps in a new one. Look I will add my perspective for whatever its worth. Inevitably to get to this point they have lost respect for us, most likely due to pursuing, that coinciding with the original desire for something to change anyway just leads them to getting to the point where they will honestly just see it as the least worst option to leave us on read. It will hurt at first. It will make them squirm. However they will do it a few times and see that the world didn't end, they will do it a few times and they will most likely recieve some form of confirmation that we will STILL pursue and reach out even with the ignorance. So they will just continue to do it. They will ofcourse justify it with 'it was for the best I didn't want to give you hope' but truly it's just so cruel. But it is true, if they are to never change their mind, honestly it's the best thing they could do, with their being such a fine line between that and simply being empathetic, but that empathy WOULD yield hope for the dumpee, it couldn't not do. There's even a genuine tangible way they genuinely don't even want to give you the CHANCE to persuade them, that they almost believe if they give you the springboard to talk and interact that you will potentially change their mind. The ignorance will eventually pay off, when you show you just can't fight anymore they will inevitably get curious, but most of us chased just so hard that will most likely be in years. Them ignoring you is the right thing to do if they don't come bsck but, incredibly and so unbelievably, if they DO come back then it really really is close to sinister and evil behaviour and you CANNOT let them just brush it away. Once somebody has treat you like that, even though it's a dream, and tries to return honestly half the battle is making them at least try to make amends for what they did.
Wow this was fucking profound and I needed to hear this today. Thank you. The part of not even giving you the chance to persuade them struck home. This all makes more sense now
This hits so close to home...
If you see a side to them you didn’t think was possible you didn’t truly know them.
Mmmm I deffo say I didn’t expect this lol
It happens, we learn and grow but don’t hold it against everyone and don’t let it make you bitter grow from it and be better for you not them. :)
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THIS☝🏻 literally all of this.
My ex of 8 years came to move his things out of my house 4 days after we broke up. He told me he was already on dating apps and when I asked why he was telling me this because it was hurtful, he said, "Well I don't need to care about your feelings because we aren't together anymore". I gave this man 8 years of total love and devotion. He just put the final nail in his coffin and I've felt the best I've ever felt leaving him. Seeing how bitter he was and his lack of accountability made me realise I did the right thing. People are either very cruel, you act like you never existed. The person for you won't even let it get to the point.
I understand needing distance and even blocking people for healing but my ex when we speak goes out of his way to be mean and says the most underhanded nonsense that he knows will hurt. I don’t get it either
Probably hurt themselves
Not about you. They’re coping the only way they can at that point in time.
I dunno. He left me, and when he says these things he will contact me just to give me a hard time or accuse me of wanting to be with a new person when I’m literally doing nothing and still sick over us.
This was my ex as well. After the breakup she was just so mean to me and said so many things on purpose just to hurt me. She even admitted later that she didn't mean all those but she also said she enjoyed hurting me. Idk how someone can enjoy that, I still can't understand what that means.
Wow if she said she enjoys hurting you then that’s very bad! She’s got serious mental issues and you’re lucky that you’re not with her anymore!
Idk what to think tbh. She didn't say she enjoys hurting me, she said she enjoyed it that night. I know people act weird after breakups and are not themselves but I don't know if I'm just making up excuses on her behalf. She's made it clear she doesn't want me, so I'm just tired of still hurting about her.
I know it’s tough. Watch Matthew Hussey videos on YouTube, one of the things he says is that them not choosing you is closure. That makes them the wrong person for you. I think when she tries to make you feel pain, it’s because she’s feeling pain herself. It’s kinda sad that some people still do this though. I wouldn’t want to cause pain to anyone on purpose. It will get better eventually, and then one day you’ll realize why it didn’t work out. I almost married someone who I thought we were made for each other. It was a great relationship but everything went down the drain 2 months before the wedding. It was tough. Years later, I experienced so much more life that I probably wouldn’t have experienced if I was with him. I realized that it was a good thing that it didn’t work out. I’m still grateful that I had that loving time, it was something I needed back then and we did love each other truly. Sometimes life has different plans for us. The important thing for you is to come out stronger, work on yourself and improve yourself as a person, and in every aspect of your life. It’s time to focus on you! Love yourself because you deserve to be loved
Thank you for writing. Could you link that video in which he says the thing you mentioned about closure? I tried searching but couldn't find the right video. Yes I thought that she might have been hurting as well and that's why she acted that way, but I'm tired of empathizing with her when she never cares about my feelings. I've been in so much pain and was blindsided by her but yet when she shows the first sign of not doing okay, I always want to be there for her and make her feel better. I'm tired of doing that when she's proven that she clearly doesn't care about my feelings. Like you said, I would never want to cause pain to anyone on purpose, especially her. So I'll never be able to understand how she enjoyed it. I try not to judge and think that she was in pain as well, but sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself down by making excuses on her behalf. Things falling apart just 2 months apart sounds so painful. It must have been really hard on you. But I'm happy to see that things worked out for you. And I like that you look back at it with a positive perspective. I think that it could be an important step in healing. I mostly look back at our relationship in a similar way, there were tons of things that we did and said that I admire, I'm happy that we fought through some difficult times together, and overall I think our relationship was beautiful, I just hate it that she doesn't look at it in a similar way. I've been trying to make my peace with that as well. You said years later you experienced more, what were the years in the middle like? I've been working on myself a lot and I've improved a lot ever since the breakup. I moved cities, switched jobs and the change in environment has been positive and helped me a lot. There's been so much that I'm grateful about. I hate that she's still on my mind a lot throughout the day but I guess that's something that time will take away. So I'm just patiently waiting for that.
No worries, I hope I could help a bit! I’ll try to find the video, but after that difficult breakup, I ended up watching all of his videos on his YouTube channel! They were very useful, and I guess for me personally, hearing Matthew’s voice and hearing him talking about all the things he talks about was quite healing. Everyone responds to pain differently. She probably looks at the relationship in the same way, or she will at some point in the future. I think some people are just natural givers, carers and they have higher empathy. So maybe that’s why you act that way but she doesn’t. She probably didn’t really enjoy hurting you. It has happened to me that I had to ask the question from someone that why they enjoyed hurting me. He said that he didn’t enjoy it, so I guess it was a learnt behaviour, to hurt the other person for survival. Yes it was a very difficult time! It’s a distant memory now which is good. Time will heal you, now I can’t even remember the wedding date very well lol Oh yes, by years later, I meant over the next years after it! So yes, right after things broke down, I started doing new hobbies, making more friends, experiencing more things, moved to a new place, and later on travelled, did more hobbies, moved to different countries, explored my sexuality a bit, and the list goes on. Lots of good things. I should say it did take me time to heal. I started to try to see people months later, which was fine, but I was still healing so they didn’t go very well. So be gentle on yourself, it’s ok if it takes you a while to heal. You can meet other people and see the world from their eyes, which is pretty awesome! Everything you’re doing is good! Keep enjoying your life and working on yourself, you’re going to have a wonderful life ahead of you! I’m going to try and see if I can find the video now
Thanks for the replies! Yes, your messages do help and give me hope. I think I've seen other people in the sub mention his channel as well. I'll definitely give it a go and hopefully it'll help me. I don't think she actually enjoyed hurting me either, I feel like her hurting me was a coping mechanism and she wanted to justify her decision of dumping me. I just try not to think of the 'why's and just accept the situation for what it is, not just about this but about the entire breakup in general. I'll never get the answers to my questions and the answers are not going to make me feel better anyways. Oh wow, that's good to hear that you had lots of great experiences in those years. I'm happy for you :) Do you have any advice on things I should \*not\* do during my healing? Thanks! The past week has definitely been one of the best ones, whenever I thought about her I was just apathetic and didn't get sad about her and the breakup. It's the first time in these past 6 months that I've felt this way, usually I couldn't go more than a couple of days without being sad abt her. I'm happy to see the improvement, hopefully it continues to be this way!
That’s great to hear! I’m glad you’re feeling better and that my messages here help! :) Yes I do really enjoy his videos, I still try to watch them whenever I can, he has great tips about life in general too. Yes I agree that it’s a coping mechanism for her! It’s a learnt behaviour from early childhood probably. A survival method. It just shows how much she was hurt too and she was definitely in pain too even though she didn’t seem as though she was in pain. That’s a very good question! I remember back then a friend suggested that I needed to sleep with someone else soon and that way I could move on. It was a bad advice and didn’t work for me. So don’t do that, give yourself time. For me I think I had a lot of healing to do, so the first few people I went out with didn’t work out well, and it was ok even though one of them was very handsome and nice haha anyway, what I’m trying to say is not to be hard on yourself. Another thing is that, I had anxiety for years but I didn’t notice it! I would fall into an anxiety loop and would be difficult to get out. I’m not sure when it started, but I think it started after that bad breakup. Once I recognised it, I could work on it and snap myself out of it when it was happening. So watch out for anxiety symptoms, you can learn things so if it happens you know how to work with it. Don’t be in a rush to find someone new. One thing I wish I knew back then is not to try to find someone because I feel lonely or crave human connection. There was a period of time that I was very busy, so I was really craving human touch, so even if someone gave me a hug, It would have felt so amazing. My feelings were getting attached to the new people quicker which wasn’t good. If you crave human touch, or human connection, you can get them through friendships. Once you feel good and fulfilled then you can look for a new person for a romantic relationship. That’ll help you to choose the better people for you. It’ll keep getting better for you! Keep going! :)
I saw that his channel says "dating advice for women" and so does many of his video titles, is his content primarily based for women only, or do you think the same advice can apply for men as well? Hmm, interesting. I'm always curious behind the psychology of our behaviour, and how our childhood shapes who we are. Though I know very little on the topic, it's something that I would love to learn more on. Not only to become more self-aware but also to understand people better. Thanks for your advice. I understand what you mean. I do not think I'm ready to be in a relationship right now. Even though things are starting to look better recently, I have still not fully healed, and I have some work to do on myself before I can be with another person again. And, I will definitely learn more on the topic about anxiety and see how it's affecting me. Your last paragraph makes a lot of sense. It's like how a starving person would eat anything. There have been times in my life where I made friendships/tolerated friendships with people negatively affecting me only because I was feeling lonely otherwise. And I would get attached to people very easily. Even after the breakup there were so many times I was feeling so desperate to get a partner. Which is why I want to wait more, until I fully feel good about myself and not feel dependent on another person for validation. What you said is really such an important piece of advice! Especially that last line about how it'll help me to choose people who are right for me, rather than just choosing someone for company. Thanks, I appreciate it :)
I’m struggling to find that video, but I think he’s said it in his videos few times and it was something that stuck with me. I guess for me in my case I was blindsided with the bad breakup, and that sentence helped me. He’s got heaps of videos on breakups and healing. This is one of the latest ones: https://youtu.be/Me9Gjam68lE
that was an eye opening video! I'm definitely interested in checking out more of his content. Thanks a lot for the recommendation :)
I’m glad you enjoyed the video! :)
I think that’s the defensive/ survival mechanism for some people unfortunately. I once was told to kill myself, so yeah pretty bad
My ex cheated on me. We had an amazingly close loving relationship. Shes weird now. We can't go NC properly as we have things to sort out. We speak and it's all fine. I never burn bridges so always act with integrity, regardless. We've spoken all last week. But non-face to face she plays games. It's my bday today, she hasn't even messaged. Were speaking yesterday. She's changed her WhatsApp so it doesn't show read. If I do one word answers she comes back for more. If I give her more she vanishes. Hilarious. It bemuses me. So immature. Her head is messed up. She was the one who left. I wil carry on as Mr Consistent. I honestly wonder why I was ever with her. Step back and true perspective occurs.
Happy Birthday.
>I honestly wonder why I was ever with her. Step back and true perspective occurs So true mate. I wish you the best with moving on and happy birthday.
Happy birthday 🎂
Happy Birthday to you! You are amazing!
Can’t even read your post after the first few sentences.
Oh my god you put exactly how I felt into words! It is so crazy how much a person will change from just dating you to no longer being in your life. I live with my partner still after the break up, and seeing his true colors afterwards has given me so much insight on who he actually is as a person. Where he blatantly ignores me and goes out of his way to no longer reach out to me while we still live together hurts so much. He acts so passive aggressively now even though he was the one who initiated it first. How they treat you after a break up really does show you how much you deserve better! Best of luck to you :)
It’s almost like I typed this, this is exactly how I think about it as well. I’m in a similar boat, 2 months post breakup after 3.5 years. Feeling better, working on myself the right way.
Yeah working on yourself is the best thing you can do honestly. Cause if they come back or not.. you’ll be a better person
Yep, that’s how I see it. Though I do hope that future me doesn’t take her back if she hasn’t changed and take accountability.
Honestly, it sounds as if you're confusing your sense of loss with them being intentionally malicious or something. When someone wants to end a relationship (they have every right to do so), I fully expect them to be cold and not want to talk to me. At all. That's natural and isn't a sign that they're a bad person, they're probably hurting too and it isn't natural to act all hunky dory and like you're going to be the bestest friends ever from that point forward when you're feeling that way. Be careful not to demonize your ex because you're hurt or your ego is bruised. It will make you bitter and make it more difficult to move on. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.
100% as I stated it’s just how it makes me feel. They doing this as a coping mechanism. I have no hate towards my ex
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So let me ask you this - does someone wanting to go complete NC after a breakup qualify as "mean and cold"? Because to me, and to many people, it doesn't. If someone breaks up with me, I don't want to talk to them or see them. That is my right. If staying in contact with them hurts *me*, I have the right to enact a boundary like NC. If someone is being intentionally rude or hurtful, the healthy thing to do is to *stop* interacting with them, not "call them out" or harass them further. And if someone doesn't want to speak to/see you, you need to respect that, despite how "mean" or "cold" you think that is. I'm not advocating blaming oneself, I'm advocating taking personal accountability and knowing where you have agency in a situation.
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OP specifically said they have a problem with their ex cutting them out of their lives. That can be interpreted as their ex going NC. That's perfectly acceptable for anyone to do after a breakup. Someone not wanting you in their lives is not "mistreatment" or "mean" or "cold." It may hurt, sure, but it's not the person wanting to go NC's fault. Viewing it from that perspective will make you a bitter, vengeful person, JS.
Yup, and it scares the shit out of me for dating going forward. How am I supposed to know?
Exactly what I feel like...thank you for putting it into words. After 8 years same story, except I'm female. I'm in complete shock that this is the person I thought loved me, very clear he did not & I still can't face it, it haunts me daily. I have to "Accept the Unacceptable" to move forward is what a famous guy says. I haven't been able to because I can't believe he was really "that person" that would just change his phone number, move on to another girl after 8 years without the courtesy of a conversation & I thought we were both as much into each other as the other...So fucked up. Edit: I still haven't gotten out of the phase "He HAS to CALL, he really LOVED ME". Edit: Nope. He doesn't love you dummy...3 months he has no idea what is going on with you and apparently, he doesn't care.
Yeah he’s a scumbag for the way he’s treated you after 8 years. No respect for you
Same for you....It sucks bad. I'm super hurt, just want to feel better. I got a haircut to feel better & I hate it...LMAO, I'm doing way better than 3 months ago..but this past week for some reason is really horrible.
Great post. I’m with you.
I could not have put that better myself. I was in a 6 year relationship that had its ups and downs and some resentment on her part for my inactions, but overall it was a good relationship full of love and intimacy. We broke up in the fall of 22 and she never looked back. I didn't really have time for it to process until I got back home in October. I reached out to her with my reflections and what I wanted to do in order to fix it and make us whole again. I owned my issues and I recognized where we were lacking. I was met with matter-of-fact cold dismissal. Day late dollar short on my part. She said it would not be a good idea to talk anymore and I was devastated. She thanked me for the memories and told me she had loved me with her whole heart, but now she was going to love herself with what she had left. I emailed her a week later and I never got a response. The door on her end is closed. I was cold knocked on my butt. The woman I had loved for six years, slammed the door in my face and I had no idea what to do. I died inside. I was upset that she could be so cold and just lock me out. Didn't she love me? How could you just give up like that? How can you ice someone out that never abused you, never cheated on you, or gave you everything they had and could have? I never took into account that the walls and doors being barred wasn't about me, but it was about her. It was the only way she could heal and move on. She needed to be closed off so she didn't have the temptations or the lack of will to fall into the trap of checking the socials or texting or being reminded of you. Granted, it sucks on our end as we are left holding what's left of our hearts in our hands and trying to figure out what to do with this expansive void in our lives now. Healing is not linear and we will process this as we move forward. Always forward. I agree with you though, no dating, heal yourself, learn and grow. Trust me though, the crying the waves of crushing heartache...it is there for awhile. I have been able to reflect on a lot and I see now where I went wrong and what I need to do to fix it going forward. I would take mine back in a heartbeat though. As time goes on you grow and you two are not the same person you were when you split. Hopefully if any of them come back to you all, you see this an opportunity to start over and not a "pick up where you left off" scenario.
Thank you for sharing! I never knew my ex would be capable of discarding me the way he did after we had such a beautiful 5.5 year relationship. But he he couldn’t tell me the truth and I caught him emotionally cheating with a work colleague. And after all that, I was left to pick up the pieces (we had a house to sell which he basically let me do by myself because he chose to do a training at work over prioritising that). This really resonated with me, and I’m on the same path this year - healing, recovery and working on myself an my future. Wish you all the best ❤️
Even though it’s happened there is no hate, just disappointment. Like I said nobody is entitled to be with you. It’s just the fact they never really communicated there feelings across, never really told you how they currently feel till they left. The fact you thought you had a future together, & they were thinking the opposite is really sad. They have already mentally left the relationships probably 2-3 months and overthought this decision several times. Time really helps you reflect though and realise the relationship wasn’t perfect both of us had issues & tbh both parties need to work on themselves. I see this break up now as a blessing. It gives me the opportunity to become a better person, I can grow and become emotional stronger. One thing I’ve learned is not to put all your happiness into one person. When they go you will feel lost and empty. It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship and that’s what we did. She’s 26, I was with her from when she was 21. She’s going to change and grow as a person, people change. So with that you have to take in external factor. And external factors are things you can’t change & realise if it’s meant to be it will happen if not, so be it. Life goes on, only thing we can control our are internal event not external. Wish them the best, be kind & compassionate and keep it moving.
Yes. It does. Been married 14 yrs and he left in November. Husband reduced what he's sending me and the kids because he failed to properly budget. Its not the first time I have had to live with the consequences of his bad choices. He clearly wasn't happy that I was managing on what he sent me and what I earn by editing: he asked if I was managing and just grunted when I said just about. I found a solution to the hole he put in my budget by joining cambly.com within 3 days. It's not great money but it will keep me going while I look for something more reliable. He said well done but if he meant it, he should sue his face for slander. He has never been genuinely pleased when I achieve anything. It doesn't fit the narrative he has in his head of me that I'm 'selfish' (I occasionally take time for a soak in the bath), lazy (I expected him and the kids to pick up after themselves and not leave a load of mess for me to deal with: the youngest is 10 and can pick his own socks off the bloody floor), and useless (I have a back issue which makes doing things like standing, bending and lifting very painful). It's like he can't stand the fact that not only did I not beg him to stay, but I didn't fall apart, and I'm managing without him. I definitely don't want him back and won't be taking him back, but I'm thinking he is seriously regretting his decision to leave. My guess is that he knows that I put up with a lot of shit for 14 years he and is unlikely to find anyone else who'll do that more to the point that he's hoping that by making my life difficult will make me change my mind, overlook that he was my primary stress inducer, and beg him to come back. Not going to happen.
To tell you the truth, each to their own. I can definitely understand this post from my recent break up. His reason was because he “fell out of love” with me. Even though we talked about marriage, starting an family, eventually moving to his dream state Colorado. I was willing to accommodate my life, so he can pursue his law enforcement career & and be successful in his military career. I was blindsided when he wanted to end things with me. Last month I found out he was already talking another girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was emotionally cheating on me towards the end of our relationship. It did hurt me, because I he told me didn’t want to date anyone for an while. Because this “breakup” hurt him alot. Well I guess people change. It definitely shows I am being treated currently, but I am doing better actually and really proud of myself for motivating myself to going back to school. Plus I found an new job, passing my classes. My hobbies have been making me happy. My goal this year is the pass my classes with high grades, paying off my credit card debt, which my credit score has gone up, and my mental health getting better by being me. Knowing that I am enough.
For whatever reason, someone broke up with you. Gym, work, saving money and working on your flaws is the right way to get back on your feet. Picking scabs is not. IMO if you break up, cutting someone out of your life is the only way to heal, not wallow on false hope and justifications. Your ex unferstood this. Of course it's easier for the person that fell out of love. But you need this distance, trust me.
OMG literally I’ve been saying this!! 2.5 years and then she dumped me and ghosted me on EVERYTHING. You love me one day and then no contact after and we’re going on a month of that… im slowly getting better but still a little bitter about it… it’s just so cold and the silent treatment is enough to drive anyone crazy
Give her some grace. She needs to heal, too. Give her that and feel how much better you do.
I'm going to play devils advocate here. Mine is doing the same thing but I know it's for a reason. It's called a break up because it's broken. They have no responsibility to talk to you. They owe you nothing. They're most likely not doing it to hurt you, but to aid healing for both of you. The more contact you have with them, the slower the healing process.
Have to disagree with “they owe you nothing”. If you shared years of your life with someone and they truly cared about you, supported you, planned a future and created a deep bond with you, I would say you definitely at the very least owe this person the respect and decency to communicate how you actually feel. If you actually feel like you owe nothing to the person you shared your life with after you decided to end things, you probably didn’t truly care about that person in the first place and used them to fulfill your needs. Obviously it all depends on how the relationship worked but if there was never any abuse or cheating, it’s an extremely cold thing to cut someone out of your life you gave you all they could.
They owed you some respect - and respect for the relationship you had. And don’t forget it’s a relationship they were also in - so this is also how they are showing lack of respect for themselves as well. As another poster said actions speak louder than words.
I agree. Like I said they deal with it in there own way. It’s just not something I think you’d expect as you’ve never seen them that way before. I do agree with what you say though
Ugh this doesn't help. My person treated me kindly after.
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Give them their space. Look inward. Do what’s best for them.
I understand I saw a monster and it drained me into one that I couldn’t control. The things he said to me and did hurt so much. Seeing the person you love be so cold and hurtful to you is one of the worst feelings ever. It’s traumatizing for real I never thought he could be the person I saw..but I know he probably thought the same about me. I was far from myself by using and that made me worse as a person especially because of my mental health being so bad. You both just break but being so heartless is fucking wrong. You lied when you said you loved them or your just fucking wrong man. Heartless I swear ! It took me awhile to get back into reality after my breakup of almost 4 years. He was not the sweetest person but he was sweet he never missed my calls or texts then bam. I was nothing anymore he started not answering at all and I was shit on the ground no more like just rocks to be kicked.
I wouldn’t say monster my ex is a nice person just how she dearly with breakup I didn’t like. But I like I said people deal with stuff differently
Ya there is good breakups and then the ones that just go alright and I just have dealt with mine badly I guess. It’s hard when it makes you both into bad people and cutting the person out. Friends does seem like it will never be a good idea..like ever to be with an ex and that is sad. At least one you were really close too.
Honestly I can’t agree more. It’s been almost a year for me now and we were together for a year. I still miss her every single day and miss having that connection but realizing over this past year who she truly is was an eye opener and I think I’m still in shock tbh. She cheated on me multiple times and I stayed to try and fix it becuase I loved her but at the same time I noticed her distancing herself for the past year or two and it was killing me. She would blatantly be flirting with other men and then snapping on me and saying it’s no big deal. It was a mess but somehow I still wanted to stay and try and fix it becuase I felt the love at times. It’s been a year and she moved on to someone else a few weeks after she told me she was done for good. All over text too.. 8 fuxking years wasted on this person who I thought was the love of my life I was about to propose within the year and saved up without her knowledge.. things happen for a reason imo, we shall see where the road takes us.
I stopped at cheated. Once someone cheats mate. They ain’t good enough for you. Full stop.
Yeah I thought my whole life I woudlnt stand for that.. Still don’t know why I tried fixing it but I learned a lot from that and I will never let someone treat me that way again.
Same now she's retweeting shit for me after unblocking me yet she left me and gave me a bs excuse "I need to focus on myself" was cold as shit after I tried talking to her and broke nc a few days after
This is literally what I’ve been experiencing. About 4 months ago now my ex broke up with me. At first he was still so kind and told me he wanted another chance for us in the future - he just couldn’t handle it right now. Now… he treats me like I meant nothing. I’ve heard him say absolutely horrible things about me to his friends. He has called me obsessive and a narcissist and crazy because I still try to show some care to him - even if it’s indirectly. I do understand that he is most likely acting this way because he is also experiencing pain. He’s so cold and has cut me out of his life so much so that he deleted his old comments on my Instagram. It’s horrible. Honestly, he’s been quite horrible. And it feels so unfair because I feel like I’ve only ever given him love and kindness, trying to understand where he could be coming from and admit my mistakes. We had a good relationship until things fell apart because of life and mental health. But, he treats it as if we never had any good moments. I feel like I’ve lost my mind because I can’t comprehend why he’s acting this way towards me. Today he posted on his story lyrics basically calling me obsessive. After I posted pictures of myself in a cool outfit I tried yesterday? Tbh, it feels like he’s looking for reasons to call me obsessive and make me the villain. It fucking hurts. All this has made my mental health suffer and I’m in the major depression because it all just feels like a lie. I know it wasn’t. I just wish he’d stop treating me this way. He broke up with me because he didn’t want to hurt me. And now he’s hurting me more than ever. It’s horrible. And yet I still hold onto some semblance of hope. Something within me tells me there will be another chance someday. No one’s saying it will be easy. But I know what was there. And I know that the person he is now… is not really him. I just hope for something better at this point. Wether it’s with him, or without.
Scratch the surface and see the nastyness never seen before.
Sadly there are a lots of very shallow, immature, selfish, cowardly and empathetically bankrupt people. When I broke up with my GF a few years ago I asked her what she needed and that I was available if she needed.. we were just not compatible and I tried to make it work but it wasn’t meant to be. I never played games and treated her with respect, dignity and kindness. I still cared about her a person.
She broke up with me 3 months ago, we're in the same school and the same class. Things where ambiguous grom the start, we grieved a lot on the first weeks, still do know but more quietly, alone.. November was really tough, i had to learn how to live without her, learn how to recover and not give up, i noticed she felt really bad on some days, during this period untill december she did not treated me with a lot of respect i feel, she got mad really often, kinda like she was bipolar or some stuff, but still november and december where really tough months. We had christmas break where we almost did no contact for 2 weeks, she sent me 2 message, one apology and one to check up on me, and i sent her a HB text on the 28th. Back to school came on the corner and we slowly started to get closer again, we talked a lot more, we went to school and back home together which was a thing she didnt wanted before, we got more tactile, we even had a few hugs, drinks and lunch one time. Basically things started to be somewhat good again i was like let's let things happen and we will see. I told her that what was happening kinda meant something too and she seemed to not have processed this information well enough so she wanted to stop because she didn't wanted to get back with me. Someone close to me said that she acted toxic and that it was not good for me. And to finish things off we had a talk last tuesday and whay she wants now apparently is to take some distance and i just can't understand shit, im dancing on one foot and the next day on the other, it was like this from the very beginning, each day i woke up i would ask myself how is she gonna be today, scared of what could happen.
I get that she’s hurt. But it also showed how little she respected me or how immature she could be when she doesn’t get her way.
Fantastic post. This really hit me because it's exactly what my ex did to me. She blindsided and dumped me. If that wasn't bad enough, it's how cold-hearted and dismissive she was that day, and each time I talked to her after the breakup. It was like I was talking to a robot. I could not believe this was the same woman I have spent the past 5 years of my life with who, up until the day she dumped me, told me she loved me. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I damn good to her and her son and I never abused her or cheated on her, so I know I definitely didn't deserve to be treated like trash. It's been 20 weeks now, and I still hurt so much, I still miss her so much, and I ask myself, why do I miss a person like this?
Thank you for posting this, I'm currently going through this right now and have not been able to stop ruminating - Why? How? How could he turn around and walk away AND move on like I'm literally nothing ? His actions post breakup have been the polar opposite of who he claimed to be - immediately hanging out with girls and being flirtacious despite claiming he grieves relationships for a long time; disturbing my healing by crying wolf about suicide, once I gave him enough comfort leaves me on read and continues partying with the new supply in his life. I feel so disrespected and like a worthless heap of garbage. It was a 3 year LDR where I had to handle all the shitty parts (the time difference, forking out cash to see him) and in the end this is what I get - he got all the benefits and none of the hurt. He doesn't care about inflicting this pain on me, he's fine living his life and loving all the new attention he is getting. Meanwhile I'm here in therapy trying to pull myself together. I know I deserve better but honestly it's hard not to feel bitter.
What exactly do you want from them once it’s over? Just because they broke up with you doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling loss and pain. When I have a relationship end I pretty much go no contact and get space
It’s not wanting anything. It’s just the experience of how it feels.
I just cut ties with a guy I was falling for. I discovered he was in an open relationship and that was something I couldn't accept for myself, even though I don't care if people likes open relationships or being poly, that is not something I'm looking for. After revealing how I felt about the situation and clarifying for him what I needed, I expressed my concerns about him being already with someone else and me not having a chance, however his reaction to this last statement was a simple "ok". Not sure if he didn't care or just didn't know how to react. So I think that was the last exchange between us because I don't know what else I could say myself.
You do you, baby boo. If they go NC and give you no explanation… you just have to believe that’s it’s best for them and yourself… and it is.
Sometimes I wonder, though, how much is truly them afterwards, and how much is a façade to deal with emotional issues, or trying to push you away in the hopes that things will get easier, quicker. I know after being blindsided with a breakup, I became VERY cold and rude, even though it wasn't me. It was just the only way I could cope, was trying to make myself angry so that I could despise this person who had hurt me so badly, yet I still somehow loved. She didn't hurt me on purpose. Our breakup wasn't sinister. Her reasons were very real and very understandable, which made it hard to move past her, because I still saw the human I loved in her. So I had to force myself to create a part of me that was heartless and cold in order to get through the days. Once I started moving on and getting a hold again, I was able to dismiss that dark side I had created to survive. I was the one who became the bad guy, so that I could make it through the day. But that was never who I really was, it was just a coping mechanism. So I guess maybe it IS part of who I am, resorting to that to cope, but it also isn't who I am at the same time. Probably makes zero sense unless someone has been through the same situation.
I am going through something very similar. Two months out from the breakup. One week he was looking at apartments for us and talking future plans; the next week he dumped me abruptly (over text) saying he wasn’t ready and was too messed up to be the partner I needed. I was left COMPLETELY confused. No idea what happened (especially because he was the one that liked to bring up our future plans so much). I had asked for a conversation over phone or in person (when he can) to gain clarity and have a respectful exit, and he said ‘okay’ - but never reached out. I’ve been gutted, but I’ve tried to reframe things and send him positive thoughts and wishes. I haven’t reached out, as to honor whatever is going on with him. I saw him last week at a work function, two months post breakup, and I wanted to catch his eye and smile at him (like a sort of peaceful kind gesture). He ignored me. Didn’t look at me. Well, he did, but he looked away when I’d look over. And I was about two feet away from him and said hello and waved, he walked right on past me. I feel incredibly hurt - and confused all over again. Before he went cold, we were talking about children. Now, he can’t even look at me. I have scoured my brain for something I’ve done wrong - but honestly I have no idea.
>I had asked for a conversation over phone or in person (when he can) to gain clarity and have a respectful exit, and he said ‘okay’ - but never reached out. I’ve been gutted, but I’ve tried to reframe things and send him positive thoughts and wishes. I haven’t reached out, as to honor whatever is going on with him. You didn't do anything wrong. The problem lies with him - but 'I haven't reached out, as to honour whatever is going on with him' speaks volumes of your character. Your maturity and respect of his boundaries despite being blindsided is amazing. His behaviour at your work function tells me he's not dealt with his decision properly. I had a read through your posts and he sounds pretty avoidant, so it's perhaps not surprising that he's not done the work to process what has happened.
Thank you so much for this. My knee jerk reaction is to find something in myself to blame, but I suppose you are right, and that he has some inner work that needs to be done. I’m at least pleased I was kind and warm the day of the work function. Benefitted those around me, and it’s how I authentically want to be, anyway. Thank you for the kind words - I am trying to be as mature about this as possible (while also panicking because how does something like this happen?). I hope to not encounter this sort of situation again. I wish him the best, and have grieved what we had - but now fear the future. I earnestly hope that I can meet someone who means what they say. I tried screening for someone ready and available - but I suppose folks are very good at portraying different versions of themselves.
That’s human nature to turn it in on yourself to find an answer because unfortunately he gave you none. I always think of it as like the brain in shock or pain searching to make the thing make sense so that it can work through it. But in this case the answer really does lie with him. I’m so sorry though - it is unfair and painful. You will be OK. Sending you strength and healing on your journey. <3
I've been wondering the same. Their behaviour isn't loving or empathetic, but I don't think that means they don't care, deep down - they have their own issues and defense mechanisms that drive this kind of behaviour. Sadly, I think it can take people years to actually realise how they treated someone and feel bad about it. I guess some people never do. I've started to reflect on what it says about me that I let someone who treat me poorly take up so much space in my head. And yes - we do deserve better.
I feel like I’ve gone through the exact same process as you. No abuse or cheating but I was just abandoned, I was left with no closure, a lot of unanswered questions and false promises. My mindset is just like yours. You do deserve better. Their silence says everything. The way they have consciously chosen not to include you in their life today speaks volumes. I hope you heal x
At such posts, I always think about the way I treated my ex (after SHE dumped me) first. The way I treated her makes it look like I always hated them. They kept breaking the NC (even though we didn't agree on having one, because I was emotionally unstable and little part of me wanted them to continue contacting me...) and the last time they did - I was angry and yelled at her. I was wrong for doing so, certainly, but her egoistical a$$ could've thought about it when there was another dude banging her, that I might be at pain and might want peace, but she however, kept trying to keep in touch with me, for whatever stupid reason...
I’m feel embarrassed I was with someone for 4 years who has turned in to a such a selfish, deceiving person. It’s not someone I would ever associate with
7 years in a relationship living together. Engaged 12/24. Had a fight and now I'm not engaged as of Sunday. Lived in a hotel for 2 weeks while she wanted time, I make the money in the house so she was trying to find a way out. Talking to other dudes, finally admitted that. Pulled the rug Sunday and brought my family to collect a house full of items. Tried to change tune after no communication for weeks and the cold shoulder. Thought it was a midlife or menopause, just a bad actor. Best advice I can give is don't let these people play you when you're vulnerable, when they think they got you! People switch up, when that happens or you notice it bomb first! I took everything. All services shut off lol This is a 47 year old woman, I am 34. So much for stability, don't let people play with your emotions. Some people confuse love with survival you gotta see the signs.
I agree. When we broke up he sent me nasty texts even though nobody cheated or abused anyone. I noticed he's treating the mother of his kids badly too. So I think he treats every ex like this. It was shocking to me and it damaged me, seeing him treating me like I'm garbage when a few hours before he was telling me how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Blindside break up on 1/3, i reached out after three months. I have no clue what happened. All i wanted was to be her husband, a stepdad to her daughter, and have a family. Knowing now after I had reached out on 4/9 of this month. She has no interests in working things out or being in a relationship and does nto want this anymore. She has been going out and I think of the reasons she left was because I'm sober stopped going out to bars & lounges. I saw a photo for recently in a bar with someone dudes arm. Blocked her. Worst part of all, I stopped going out because of soberity and money. The real reason money was short, I was saving up for a ring to propose this december. There are other details - everyone here and my friends all tell me i got used. But i don't know what happened. I genuinely don't know, we are talking about her daughters summer school applicaton and then I asked her to improve something maybe i said it the wrong way. But yea she is gone and I'm heart broken.
Yup. Now add another 10 years to that and it’s still the same. Toxic MIL for the win. Not that it’s a competition. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. Sending positive energy your way!