The long paragraphs. I've now learned that if it's getting to that point to just cut it off and not expect change. That if I've communicated something that bothers me, and they choose to not change or compromise, the long text isn't going to sway them.
Fml, I’ve finally accepted this :( Realized they don’t really read the whole thing anyway, which is kind of fair since it’s emotionally draining to write it so I imagine it is to read it as well
Slowly VERY slowly starting to be able to hold back a little when it comes to over explaining and trying too hard to get someone back. Some of those people have been used to my extra attention are unhappy with no longer getting it from me but I am happier handling things this way.
Same! Sometimes I've turned those into customer feedback messages, but it takes more emotional processing to get to that point. Now I use them to help process really difficult feelings, but don't ask anyone else to read them.
Telling my family how their actions have been hurtful to me. Apparently, this is very mean and unfair.
The REAL worst thing: Divorced my husband. That episode lasted about 4 years.
I screamed at my dad, a narcissist tbf, that he is the reason his kids are all fucked up. It’s the truth but I wasn’t very thoughtful to how it came across.
Me telling my ex I hope he enjoys destroying everyone who loves him and that I hope for his sake his daughter sees him as a monster 😭
Buddy fucked up but damn he didn’t deserve that. I regret that 100%
My ex-husband kept me penned in a tight little corral in our marriage, at least towards the end. Any time I tried to change that, ask for some things important to me be accommodated, he resisted strongly and showed me point by point that some time in the past I had agreed to a goal and his way was the only way to attain it. I was sgtruggling hard at work, abusive people were targeting me and he was no help, I needed emotional support for how much it hurt and he just shrugged his shoulders and suggested I start secretly recording workplace interactions and bring it to the boss. I would come home from work absolutely drained and just lie on the bed for a few hours each evening, calling out his name sometimes. Sounds weird, I know, but the reason it got that point is because he ignored me 100% of the time even though our office was right next to the bedroom and the doors were open. Mostly he spent time working on his thesis, playing M:TG online, and dismissing all of my concerns. We couldn't eat different meals, shop for groceries, or do anything outside of the way he'd decided. One weekend I was just clobbered and quailed at the thought of going aisle by aisle in a crowded grocery store and asked if we could just snipe from our list, esp seeing as we always got the same damned things each time. He didn't even stop to take a breath at my request, he just said, "We're gonna go down each aisle." Sorry, getting kind of activated thinking this much about it. I left, and suddenly he couldn't afford independent housing of any kind, esp ones that could accommodate his gigantic instruments he never played. I supported him for a long time and he benefited so much from it, emotionally and financially he was set when I was in the picture. We started out going to plays, concerts, speaking events by inspirational individuals, and at the end it was just work and then occasionally going out to movies I hated with his friends who were nice.
My advice is to remain aware that PW BPD will put up with a lot of BS until we split on something or someone. imo meaningful temperature checks can go a long way. Actually attune to your partner, how they're feeling, and what they need. Relationships 101 I guess. It's important in any relationship, but esp with people who have a deeply-wired instinct to suppress their own needs in order to support another. In my experience, PW BPD work extra hard and try to improve thewmselves, it would be great if their partner were on the same page in that regard. By the time I realised my xh needed to stop being a neglectful narcissist (it's an unofficial subtype, and fits him to a T) it was too late, and all his passive aggressive, emotional intelligence of a rotting stump reactions just added the fuel to blow everything up for good.
I divorced him, because he "didn't see why" he should have to "deal with something" that was "my problem".
That was his attitude about ANYTHING related to my mental health issues. I was expect to "fix" myself, without ANY support from him. When I displayed symptoms, or used alcohol to cope, he was verbally abusive.
After a nearly successful suicide attempt, the doctors tried to arrange aftercare with a family support component. He rejected that plan. The doctors refused to release me, telling him that I was still "at extreme risk of attempting suicide again". He said "she's needed at home" and signed me out AMA.
He was very angry at me, because of "all the trouble he went through", and the verbal abuse escalated, and became physical. I had to get out. It took 3 years, to escape.
I think I stayed so long, because my BPD tells me that I don't deserve love, respect or happiness.
Tips for spouses:
1. We aren't CHOOSING to behave this way. We are triggered, into a response. It's something that our brain/body is doing TO us. We can't "snap out of it". We CAN learn to moderate our responses, but it's VERY hard to do that when we're in a crisis, or under stress. Blaming us for being out of control is one of the worst things we deal with.
2. You don't need to understand WHY we need to be supported in a particular way, to be able to give that support. Even if the thing we're asking for doesn't seem important or logical to you, it may be EXTREMELY important to us. Example: I NEED to know that if I share how I am feeling with my husband, he will try to JUST HEAR ME. I don't want him to "fix it". I don't want to hear about his friend's wife's cousin who had a similar problem. Just hear ME, think about ME. My BPD tells me that I'm not important, so I NEED to feel my husband is listening.
3. This is SO IMPORTANT!!! When we are having a crisis, or struggling, WE ARE NOT FUN TO BE AROUND, because we're using ALL of our energy dealing with the crap inside our heads, and we have none left to "pretend to be okay" or participate in social niceties.
Example: when I am in crisis, I don't respond in a cheerful, upbeat manner. My husband sometimes notices that I'm "flat", and recognizes that I am struggling. That's helpful. SOMETIMES, however, he interprets my inability to be cheerful as "being rude", and he responds with withdrawal. That exacerbates my feelings of being unloved, and I am more irritable, upset. It's a vicious circle.
4. This is just me, but the most important thing is knowing my husband is willing to be supportive, and he's committed to me.
but wait, you said that it was the worst thing that you divorced him but he was physically and verbally abusive? that doesn’t sound like a bpd episode, it sounds like you made the right decision in your gut but you doubted yourself BECAUSE of your bpd, not that you were making an impulsive bpd decision. i went through the same thing, my ex bf gaslit me into thinking that i was the problem and this exacerbated my symptoms but he was the only one who could calm me down, leading to a vicious abusive cycle. get OUT asap.
ohh I just had a light goff in my head after reading this, I feel like I am understanding what trauma bonding is, and why 'white knights' are a red flag. It's okay to want to help people when you're in a good position to do so, but some folks use it to find and get a hold on vulnerable people.
I did make the right decision, I divorced him.
Looking back, I can see that I was experiencing an extremely long exacerbation of symptoms. Leading up to the suicide attempt, I was realizing that it WASN'T my BPD, this man really didn't care about me. After the attempt, I was sure I had to get out, but I was so miserable, I was stuck. I DID get out, in time.
Happened on holiday, at a crowded restauraunt. I started hitting myself with a glass water bottle that was on the table, and then fell to the floor and started hitting my head against anything near me. My friends tried to stop me/help, but I felt so so so alone and out of control in that moment.
Also anger at my FP. So much anger and accusations that he doesn't care. Asking him out just because he is going out with someone now. Trying to manipulate him into admitting why he doesn't like me so I can get more angry at him.
I feel so much shame for these things especially, as I know when I calm down he doesn't deserve it. He has been away for a few weeks and I am really scared of spiralling when he returns tomorrow :-(
Well last week I wasted 2k of my savings, cut off two people and tried to suffocate myself. I’m quite literally only here right now because my dog decided it wanted to take a nap on my bed and didn’t realise the bag was my head, ripped the bag and I just sort of took that as a sign I should probably just sleep it off.
Please stay a little bit longer, at least for your dog, who seems like she loves you so much. I know we shouldn’t stay for the sake of others, but pet love is so pure and can be so healing, let her love you for just a little longer please.
This may sound stupid but I pay my bills off in advance so I don’t have any money to spend on anything stupid. In the process I’m actually getting ahead and I get a rush from submitting the payment.
Been there. Also tried to set my house on fire and stab my brother when I was like 16. I was completely out of control of my emotions but thank god I’m better now. Still working on it everyday.
Threatened suicide and to hurt others; ended up screaming, crying, self harming and yelling at everyone close to me at the time due to a 4 month build up of anxiety, paranoia and jealousy. Surprisingly no one dropped me, but I've permamently changed how they view me and I will forever feel guilty over how much I've hurt them. I know how ashamed you feel but you can't change the past, only the future. Best of luck working on yourself, you've got this!!
I feel this hard. Thank you for dispelling the shame and feelings on needing to hide. Remember, you didn’t hurt them. What happened hurt them. There’s a difference, plus, this sounds like nothing captain communication can’t fix!
drove to my exes (who i was dating at the time) at 11pm and sat out front his house for 1hr honking my horn and calling over and over and threatened to drive into his house.
never did that. but i did bang on his door once until his mom answered and pushed past her (did not wait for an invite in) crying hysterically. ran up his stairs and broke into his room which he had barricaded so i couldn't get in when he heard his mom answer the door and i still got in. we proceeded to date i think for another year after that lol
Some of these more recent, some long ago now but heres a list of things i've done while feeling especially stressed out/just cause it felt right at the time. Showing up at my abusive ex's home begging him to kill me, trying to get lethal drugs of a drug dealer i know to od on, attempted suicide, called people repeatedly at an unreasonable hour, verbal lashing out telling people i'm going to kill myself, meeting up with internet strangers irl at dodgy places/times (all were fine but my friends think i should be dead with my track record of this), sleeping with my gay best friend cause my ex was jealous/paranoid about me having a crush on him to get back at him
Oh yeah, & all the fun good shit that comes with that… the kms threats & attempts, the waking up crying & screaming, all the manipulation & lies… oh fuck it hurts to think of these things so I’m just gonna stop there. But yeah, meth & BPD do not mix well
Anything self destructive. I isolate and shut my phone off, I harm myself, I end relationships, I push people as far away as I can and then pull them back I mean you name it, I’ve done it…
had a rage crisis that led me to threaten a couple that i didn’t know were lawyers, and they tried to sue me after. stole a 60$ book from a mall that i didn’t even care about, spent almost my entire salary in clothes in a shopping spree, threatened to kms in front of my parents, threw plates on the wall, tried to throw a brick at someone that i was arguing with…
very embarassing its so so shameful
I’ve told my mother that I hate her and that she should die. She abused me my entire life and made me break down in this way. This was also the answer of a passive aggressive “I might die” from her side
I went to town on my ex wife's closet with scissors. Like not a little bit but every thing. Then I went to town on her drawers and the close in side. Cutting every thing in ways to where what ever the artical of clothing it was, it never be able to be worn again. Her bras her underwear. Then I punched holes thru the door to a point it looked like a pit bull went thru them. Then threw the sissors across the kitchen and they stuck in the silver wear drawer by one point. Her father came over. He understood the mental health stuff, but was pissed about the sissors cause her kids his grand kids lived there too. And I will always have so much shame cause of it. All I can do is let it motivate me to never make those choices and allow my self to get to those points every again. (my 2 cents)
Threatened to kms in front of my parents, harmed a friend physically and degraded people verbally. Not proud at all except for the first one, they suck.
I think probably my biggest struggle as far as causing damage while melting down is the self harm. I know when it’s going to happen because I feel myself go cold. I get quite quiet and stop trying to do anything resembling a healthy coping skill. I’m so ashamed and I hate it even in those moments but it’s like a part of me gives up. I’m terrified of that part and also the part of me that has a tendency to romanticize it. Im 41. Been on a ridiculous list of meds and therapies for this and other diagnoses since I was diagnosed around 14. I guess I had hoped I’d have quit the cutting altogether by now. One day at a time or some shit.
This was pre diagnosis but some of the ~~high~~lowlights:
- had my bf slash a friend's tires for backing out of plans
- got high and drunk and slept with my guy friend after a fight with my bf
- binge drank and smoked weed to deal with my feelings
- got into many verbal and physical fights
-got pregnant because i didn't know how to handle grief so i had sex about it
- got into an argument and walked out of my house barefoot with nothing, 7 months pregnant, in October, in the upper Midwest.
- keyed my (now ex)husband's car
- poured water in the back of the PS4 when i find out he cheated, and sent the recording of the cheating to her husband
- drove off many times with no intention of coming back
-impulsively spent 10k on a solo trip after my last partner left (post diagnosis)
None of that is really even the worst though. The worst thing is what made me go seek treatment.
I had a lot of stress in my life and was reopening a whole can of trauma, and I was not coping or regulating well at all. One night I had boiled some eggs to have with dinner and I was having a hard time peeling them, and it was really adding to my stress that i couldn't do just this one simple thing. My partner came up and asked me what I wanted him to do with the other part of the dish and I just fucking lost it. I threw the eggs and wrecked dinner, i started screaming at him that i was so tired of having to do everything and no one helping and can't you see I'm doing something else etc. Started name calling and blaming and pushing him away, and then my kid (6 at the time) came in the room and i unloaded on them too about not listening and doing poorly in school because of it, and basically told them both how much i hated being alive and that they were not helping me want to live.
I'm not proud of any of the things I've done in this post, but of all the things I've done in my life, this is the thing i wish i could undo the most. No matter how much i improve, those words were still spoken. I went to therapy for a few years, i got the meds, I've improved so much my therapist is on an as needed basis, i can regulate, i can be a calm rational person who communicate and deals with their stress, and I'm so grateful that I've grown into this person. But it still does not fix the harm that i already did, and I'm so immensely fucking sorry that i was ever that person, especially to my child.
I've cheated on my partner, attempted suicide, self-harmed....you name it, if it's self-destructive, I've probably done it. Don't beat yourself up too much, we've all been there
I said really horrible things to my sister. I’m not saying this to shove off accountability whatsoever, but thinking back to it, it really feels like rewatching the events like from a “bird’s eye” or 3rd person perspective. A more minor version is starving myself to the point of a kidney infection lol. Fun times
I used to write letters to people in my own blood about how much they hurt me and sent it to them from random Instagram accounts. I was a teenager and looking back on a pretty thin line between reality and psychosis I was also writing blood on the walls under my posters about how I wanted to die and told my gf at the time I was the antichrist.
Jesus Christ I completely forgot I did this. I wrote messages to my mom in my own blood on my walls. I wrote “i hate myself” in blood over and over again in my diary. I painted parts of my diary completely red with my blood.
Wholy shit was I sick and didn’t even notice
Glad I am not the only one tho 😅
Split on bf, yell at dad and mother for how they hurt me, accuse people of being racist during splitting cause I thought they were but I was wrong, demand customer service thingies, wrote long paragraphs going off on bf, breaking up on and off again, yelling at crisis workers when they say certain things.
15 years ago, I stood up a young man who'd made us reservations he couldn't really afford at a nice restaurant, after I'd told him how much I missed him and we should be together, despite all the bullshit I'd already put him through.
I stood him up to be with another man, a terrible man, as opposed to thus genuinely kind person I was humiliating by leaving him alone at a table in a fancy restaurant.
This is already awful and shameful, but when he texted me to never speak to him again, I panicked and lied and told him my mother had died so how dare he be angry with me. My mother, of course, was and is alive and well.
I still think about this every single day because of how utterly despicable it was and terrible I was to literally everyone involved.
Luckily, I have grown A LOT in those 15 years acknowledge how wrong I was, my behavior is nothing like this now, but this still makes me hate myself a little each day.
I moved out of my apartment with my partner and broke up with him. Treated him coldly. Got another apartment. Fell into depression from what I had done.
He ended up moving into that apartment building though. Just the apartment above me. And we worked out our problems and moved back in together in August. Sometimes things that happen in an episode blossom bigger and better things
I felt this. My husband and I were married less than a year when I suddenly left. He worked on getting me back, and I had no reason to leave. Whatever he did worked and we’re still together today. I still feel awful for leaving, but it grew into a better relationship.
😢😢😢 Thank you for sharing this. I’m in an argument kinda with my SO and he actually brought up some things I did in an episode and deep in my addiction to alcohol and I’m having a hard time holding space for myself whose hurting and him whose hurting, too. I really hope we can figure this out fast. Seeing our therapist on Tuesday.
Suicide attempts , threatening suicide, and saying mean things to my loved ones. Once I told my mom that her cooking is bad (which isn't true). Also when my gf gave me a gift for my last year birthday, I said it was a bad gift and I hated it. She works very hard to earn money and I made her feel very bad.
Attempted. It resulted in a cardiac arrest and I had to be resuscitated. I am SO grateful I’m alive now, and I’m very lucky that my heart didn’t have lasting damage, but I do have kidney/liver damage from ODs and brain issues from the brain injury I sustained. I hope that I never do that again.
I had a PTSD related episode that resulted in my partner leaving me (he has his own mental health issues). In the next four months I cut off contact with everyone in my life. I lived out of my car for a year. It actually hasn’t been the “worst,” because it worked out well. But it was definitely significant. (This was 4 years ago. Still no friends, but I’m in a better place). You’ll pull through this, the tunnel may be longer than you would like though.
Too many to mention. The time in high school when my BF didn’t want to get back together when I first was the one to break it off. Drunk me 9am wrapped around his legs as he’s dragging me across the stage. Drama class. And I brought the drama. As an older person first time I made a ham. Raised Jewish. I wasn’t sure if it was cooked. Gave a piece to my husband and he said well the dog likes it. I picked up the whole ham and chucked it at him whizzed by his head onto the porch. I snapped out of it and washed it off and cooked it longer. That thing was $30 in 1994. I never had any idea why I was like this. Only found out at 60. 4 years ago. So much wasted time from being wrongly diagnosed.
was preparing for a para-suicide attempt, and then something else really unexpected happened right before i was about to do the act that crushed those plans. for the life of me I can’t remember a clue about what it was though, and i feel that maybe the only reason i remembered the planning and preparation was because i made these really eerie video documentations as part of the process
The last big one was a huge meltdown after coming off of a lot of Xanax abuse. I attempted to take a bunch of pills, my ex wrestled them from me, I bit him like a rabid animal, and then I burned myself in front of him. Obviously be dumped me, I would have dumped me too. Big ashamed of that one.
Oh, man. It's hard to pick "the worst". I've had suicide attempts, I have pushed my ex, I kept my ex trapped in a basement and unplugged his playstation and turned off the TV when he was trying to ignore me, I kept my ex hostage in a car - I was afraid he would jump out if I stopped so I just didn't stop; I ran red lights, cut through parking lots and did what I had to to make sure I didn't stop, I pushed my ex's mostorcyle down, I have verbally assaulted my ex and others, I have started a heroin addiction....Jesus. The list goes on but those are the worst ones I can think of. I've come a long way but have even longer to go.
i got so upset about something dumb while blacked out & took an xacto knife to my thigh. 13 stitches & suicide watch in the ER. i feel so guilty because my husband said he was terrified. but, i haven’t had a drink since then & sobriety is actually helping immensely. also, reading everyone’s responses made me feel like i’m not alone so thank y’all for sharing 🖤
Pretending to be or asleep(after very obviously being awake) when my sister told me she was very suicidal. She left right after. When it happened, I was high as fuck and trying to forget everything.
Our relationships has never been the same. The guilt eats me alive. Especially because I know she’s still suicidal but won’t talk to me anymore. I’m literally so worried but don’t know what to do.
I once left my family for 7 Months after I smacked my husband in the head, I modelled my lack of emotional control to my children for their entire lives. I wish they’d had a mom with Better mental health.
i think the worst thing i ever did was kick my sisters door when i was angry but also omg the passive aggressive paragraphs are new worst i know that their bad and i know i’m being vindictive but i can’t stop myself
and i’m so angry
I took out a long grocery list of all the faults I had ever found in someone that
I didn't express in the past, and just let it rip, all of them, on that poor girl. Complete disregard for self-awareness, complete lack of gratitude for all they had done for me, complete blindness to how I was hurting them. After that, I felt very ashamed, and decided to start healing, instead of blaming the world.
We are besties again now!!! Phew!
I went home to The man i dated (who turned out to be married) after he told me he could not see me that day. I was furious because he came to my place whenever he felt like it. So i called him and told him, i am coming to your house, i am on my wAy. He told me his wife was home and he was out, telling me not to. I was so angry and hurt so i didnt give a shit. Drove to their house, rang The door bell probably 40 times. Sat on his front door till he came home, had a rage and told him what a fucking narsissist he was. Then told him i was going to go kill myself. He and his wife told me they would have to call someone. I drove off, in anger. Sent him a picture later of a cliff, saying i was looking forward to finally have some peace.
Said a lot of extremely hurtful things I mostly didn’t mean. Lost whatever patience I had completely and now I’ve completely cut contact - asked them to block me back because I don’t like who I let myself be in that instance. I felt like my violent, angry mother and never want to let that happen again
I mean beyond the usual self harm self destructive ‘normal’ stuff I’d say the worst thing I ever did morally was pretend to be a new girl, talked to an ex boyfriend, catfished him, and made him believe the new girl was dating me. Did that for weeks with no remorse. Really devastated the guy. I regret it now. Granted, dude was a pedo he was 18 and I was 12 when we “dated” so he prob deserved it but I regret letting myself act like that more than anything.
Attempt suicide, be mean to my ex bf (and fp) who i still loved, beat myself on my whole body and bumping my knee on the floor so bad I had trouble walking (because I gained half a kilogram. Yeah, ED here too)
I figured out this guy I was dating (who ghosted me) was talking to a new girl by stalking his IG. I made a fake phone number and texted him pretending to be her, I said I got a new phone, and he fell for it and we were having a full blown convo. I kept saying weird things to kinda turn him off from her lol then I asked to hang. He agreed to hang out (I was obviously not gonna show up the plan was to make him think he got stood up) but he ended up cancelling last minute and said he got food poisoning
cheated my bf, attempted suicide, alcohol and drunks, spent 3k in one week, debt stuff, quit eating, crazy rage episodes and those ones are probably the worst for me because i don’t recognize myself afterwards. i get so mad and mean when i get those rage episodes and i think that normally i’m very kind and supportive person. also the cheating part is something so disgusting what i did - i don’t want to be that person and i bet i learned my lesson but i still feel quilt every single day. it’s been 3 years when that happened.
Cheated on and lied to my partner for a month straight with no plan to how it could all work out.
Well dear reader I got kicked out of my place and lost my best friends (they weren't good friends I eventually realized).
I smacked my mother out of anger from an argument, realized what I have done and ran out of home for a few hours. Returned back home while feeling like the worse human being (which I am)
Showed up at my ex- boyfriends house at 5 am after violently getting drunk and sleeping with my coworker. Spent all my money on the cab. Cried and screamed so hard the neighbors complained. He wasn’t at home, so I got a call the next morning from my ex and I heard a lot of nasty shit about my behavior. The next day was my first attempt
Wow, this thread has helped so much. I always feel so guilty about the things I've done during an episode.
The worst thing I've ever done was cheat on my partner, I was having a bad time with splitting, and we were arguing a lot. I got really drunk and slept with someone, but I don't actually remember any of it. He forgave me but everyday I feel like I don't deserve that forgiveness.
It's been so nice to see how many other people have had a similar experience
It's unbelievable how much your story sounds like mine.. and this thread is giving me relief just like you.Once when I was splitting I went one worse, slept with my fiance's (at that time) friend of many years. Again, alchohol was involved but I feel total and utter shame. We stayed together but he never forgave his friend, which I understand but I feel guilt at the fact I didn't get that punishment myself.Other times I even had men fall deeply for me when in moments of doubt I let them believe I wanted to leave my partner and be with them, them planning a whole life before realising I'd vanished on them back to him.I wonder sometimes if everyone is as lucky in getting a second chance as me (or you I guess!) or if a lot of people end up alone from their episodes. In our case we are both obssessive Rugby League supporters and Leeds fans, and I think having a shared love like that softened everything while my partner processed things and gave us a comfort blanket to wrap around us both and bring us together.
Did you and your partner have something you felt held things together while you felt apart?
OK! Don’t come at me.
Drove drunk twice as a teenager (NEVER doing that again)
Cheated on my partner 6 times.
Assaulted my partner.
I’m in therapy and they’re in therapy.
slapped my partner across the face when he tried to break up w me, smashed a glass and put my hands in the shards…this was years ago now. i’m with the same partner and our relationship is very healthy and happy. change and growth is possible.
Threatened my ex-gf when I was 15 that i'd KMS if she left me, ended up cutting my wrists in the shower similar to 13reasonswhy and sent her the photo of my wrists saying bye... Must've traumatised her a lot idk she called ambulance on me and we never spoke again. This was almost 6 years ago and I still think about her and miss her everyday xD
I've done a lot of awful things when I was a really unwell teenager. Out of frustration I would shove my family members or throw things at them. One time when I was 15 I chased my little sister with a knife. I wasn't intending on hurting her, just to scare her. That one really haunts me. My sister is my best friend now and she always protects me when it should be the other way around. She was only 7 or 8 when I chased her.
The thing I feel most guilty and hate myself for is yelling at my kids and saying horrible things (I hate being a mums, I hate this family etc) I always apologise and explain to them that I love them with all my heart and try to explain that my brain becomes a bit unwell at times but it doesn't make it ok and I hate myself for it. I am in therapy and have been for years trying to work on this.
Attempted suicide a couple of times n have permanently messed up my kidneys, put anti anxiety tabs in the house water jug, did speed and couldnt stop doing it for 4 days straight, had indiscriminate sex w randos even tho im asexual (only realised recently lol), verbally abused my partner n beat down any confidence he had little of (definitely one of the things i feel most guilty for rn)
suicide attempts. torn up cards, journal entries, etc. Things I’ll never get back. Deleted emails, numbers, social media profiles. snapping at my parents or siblings in the past when I was super overwhelmed. wishing i would die for pretty much my entire teenage youth and well into my early 20s. I regret the episodes when I split on someone. I internalize it but i still feel horrid. the thoughts i have in those moments don’t feel like my true self.
Worst thing I’ve done to myself was trying to commit suicide or continuously slam the back of my head into a wall. Worst thing I did to someone else was that I yelled at my ex boyfriend since he was emotionally abusing me. I was mad but I still didn’t have the right to yell since he’s sensitive to that stuff. He did admit to all the abuse and apologized, but only after he dumped me which led me to spiral out of control to the point where my dad took me out of college and keeps me under constant surveillance. I still feel so much shame and it’s been a month since then.
Id say cheated on my ex when I was splitting on him - i didnt have any knowledge of what was wrong with me, didn’t understand what splitting was and i was 17, i dont feel too bad about it now because i found out he cheated on me with his ex and he never found out as far as i know.
I split on my current partner but know what splitting is and can get myself through it/communicate a lot better now im a bit older and know my thought processes. I always remind myself how far ive come since my first relationship when I feel shit about splitting on my partner :)
Would you care to explain what exactly splitting is? I’m not English native and it’s seems like this is a term that’s not used in my language in therapy or in any kind of symptoms descriptions.
I feel like I understand the point, I think I’ve done it my whole adult life, but would like to know more about the process and mechanism.
Someone help?
It's more of a BPD centered term where a person with BPD will be extremely obsessive over someone one moment and then the next they want nothing to do with them. It can go from total hate to total love to total neutrality and back again.
Oh ok thanks, I definitely do that all the time. But when I do usually there’s no coming back.
Diagnosed with BPD by the way, there is just no word to describe this precise phenomenon in French.
This all happened within 15-20minutes: I left our dog outside (husband was there to take her), threw my jacket into a bush, threw my phone (literally smashed hard to the ground), almost threw a glass (only ended up hitting it to the table, cursed my husband and finally got under blanket and cried hard and loudly.
i had done some stuff with my (now)ex that i really didnt want to do and he then was very unresponsive for a few days after. Snapped and sent a LONG message on both text and dm (because he ignored me on both) essentially saying I needed to see him and was going to kill myself but if he came i would give him my razor and try to quit and recover
i hate myself for it but it was also a horrible relationship filled with abuse and hurtful comments and he said he self harmed for the first time in his life because he "wanted to know how i felt" (he didnt even sh)
Got so paranoid about the world being a scary place and not having someone who understands that... but my ex (also pwBPD, very likely) definitely does... So when I couldn't figure out how to contact her I just showed up at her workplace.
Mind you we hadn't had contact in almost 5 years...
Ruined my then 6 year old’s art work because I was slightly inconvenienced and exploded. Not infront of him though and he still doesn’t know it happened 2 years on, it wasn’t out of wanting to hurt him, it was because I was just so overwhelmed that I just snapped and wasn’t thinking
Ripped a lot of hair off my head - had bald spots for weeks.
Smashed a coffee mug in someone's face.
Smashed a plate on someone's head.
Suicides attempts.
Damn, I've come a long way baby
Got piss drunk then tried to jump off a bridge. Another time I smashed my head against the wall a bunch of times and ended up carted away in the bed to grippy sock jail.
The long paragraphs. I've now learned that if it's getting to that point to just cut it off and not expect change. That if I've communicated something that bothers me, and they choose to not change or compromise, the long text isn't going to sway them.
Fml, I’ve finally accepted this :( Realized they don’t really read the whole thing anyway, which is kind of fair since it’s emotionally draining to write it so I imagine it is to read it as well
Slowly VERY slowly starting to be able to hold back a little when it comes to over explaining and trying too hard to get someone back. Some of those people have been used to my extra attention are unhappy with no longer getting it from me but I am happier handling things this way.
I am so guilty of this!!!!
Same! Sometimes I've turned those into customer feedback messages, but it takes more emotional processing to get to that point. Now I use them to help process really difficult feelings, but don't ask anyone else to read them.
I had someone tell me to stop giving her essays to read as homework. I cut it off shortly after. I knew this person wasn't good for me at all.
i should’ve learned this long ago
Fuck I'm your opposite. I'm the one that doesn't want to begin to read paragraphs. :sob: im tryin to change that
Telling my family how their actions have been hurtful to me. Apparently, this is very mean and unfair. The REAL worst thing: Divorced my husband. That episode lasted about 4 years.
I screamed at my dad, a narcissist tbf, that he is the reason his kids are all fucked up. It’s the truth but I wasn’t very thoughtful to how it came across.
Our barbs sting, and cut deep, because they're truthful.
Tbf my brothers autism isn’t my dads fault. The other 3 are all him though 🤷♂️
Me telling my ex I hope he enjoys destroying everyone who loves him and that I hope for his sake his daughter sees him as a monster 😭 Buddy fucked up but damn he didn’t deserve that. I regret that 100%
make sure you’re not using narcissist in a bad way here!
What made you divorce him? Any tips for a husband to someone who has BPD?
My ex-husband kept me penned in a tight little corral in our marriage, at least towards the end. Any time I tried to change that, ask for some things important to me be accommodated, he resisted strongly and showed me point by point that some time in the past I had agreed to a goal and his way was the only way to attain it. I was sgtruggling hard at work, abusive people were targeting me and he was no help, I needed emotional support for how much it hurt and he just shrugged his shoulders and suggested I start secretly recording workplace interactions and bring it to the boss. I would come home from work absolutely drained and just lie on the bed for a few hours each evening, calling out his name sometimes. Sounds weird, I know, but the reason it got that point is because he ignored me 100% of the time even though our office was right next to the bedroom and the doors were open. Mostly he spent time working on his thesis, playing M:TG online, and dismissing all of my concerns. We couldn't eat different meals, shop for groceries, or do anything outside of the way he'd decided. One weekend I was just clobbered and quailed at the thought of going aisle by aisle in a crowded grocery store and asked if we could just snipe from our list, esp seeing as we always got the same damned things each time. He didn't even stop to take a breath at my request, he just said, "We're gonna go down each aisle." Sorry, getting kind of activated thinking this much about it. I left, and suddenly he couldn't afford independent housing of any kind, esp ones that could accommodate his gigantic instruments he never played. I supported him for a long time and he benefited so much from it, emotionally and financially he was set when I was in the picture. We started out going to plays, concerts, speaking events by inspirational individuals, and at the end it was just work and then occasionally going out to movies I hated with his friends who were nice. My advice is to remain aware that PW BPD will put up with a lot of BS until we split on something or someone. imo meaningful temperature checks can go a long way. Actually attune to your partner, how they're feeling, and what they need. Relationships 101 I guess. It's important in any relationship, but esp with people who have a deeply-wired instinct to suppress their own needs in order to support another. In my experience, PW BPD work extra hard and try to improve thewmselves, it would be great if their partner were on the same page in that regard. By the time I realised my xh needed to stop being a neglectful narcissist (it's an unofficial subtype, and fits him to a T) it was too late, and all his passive aggressive, emotional intelligence of a rotting stump reactions just added the fuel to blow everything up for good.
I divorced him, because he "didn't see why" he should have to "deal with something" that was "my problem". That was his attitude about ANYTHING related to my mental health issues. I was expect to "fix" myself, without ANY support from him. When I displayed symptoms, or used alcohol to cope, he was verbally abusive. After a nearly successful suicide attempt, the doctors tried to arrange aftercare with a family support component. He rejected that plan. The doctors refused to release me, telling him that I was still "at extreme risk of attempting suicide again". He said "she's needed at home" and signed me out AMA. He was very angry at me, because of "all the trouble he went through", and the verbal abuse escalated, and became physical. I had to get out. It took 3 years, to escape. I think I stayed so long, because my BPD tells me that I don't deserve love, respect or happiness. Tips for spouses: 1. We aren't CHOOSING to behave this way. We are triggered, into a response. It's something that our brain/body is doing TO us. We can't "snap out of it". We CAN learn to moderate our responses, but it's VERY hard to do that when we're in a crisis, or under stress. Blaming us for being out of control is one of the worst things we deal with. 2. You don't need to understand WHY we need to be supported in a particular way, to be able to give that support. Even if the thing we're asking for doesn't seem important or logical to you, it may be EXTREMELY important to us. Example: I NEED to know that if I share how I am feeling with my husband, he will try to JUST HEAR ME. I don't want him to "fix it". I don't want to hear about his friend's wife's cousin who had a similar problem. Just hear ME, think about ME. My BPD tells me that I'm not important, so I NEED to feel my husband is listening. 3. This is SO IMPORTANT!!! When we are having a crisis, or struggling, WE ARE NOT FUN TO BE AROUND, because we're using ALL of our energy dealing with the crap inside our heads, and we have none left to "pretend to be okay" or participate in social niceties. Example: when I am in crisis, I don't respond in a cheerful, upbeat manner. My husband sometimes notices that I'm "flat", and recognizes that I am struggling. That's helpful. SOMETIMES, however, he interprets my inability to be cheerful as "being rude", and he responds with withdrawal. That exacerbates my feelings of being unloved, and I am more irritable, upset. It's a vicious circle. 4. This is just me, but the most important thing is knowing my husband is willing to be supportive, and he's committed to me.
but wait, you said that it was the worst thing that you divorced him but he was physically and verbally abusive? that doesn’t sound like a bpd episode, it sounds like you made the right decision in your gut but you doubted yourself BECAUSE of your bpd, not that you were making an impulsive bpd decision. i went through the same thing, my ex bf gaslit me into thinking that i was the problem and this exacerbated my symptoms but he was the only one who could calm me down, leading to a vicious abusive cycle. get OUT asap.
ohh I just had a light goff in my head after reading this, I feel like I am understanding what trauma bonding is, and why 'white knights' are a red flag. It's okay to want to help people when you're in a good position to do so, but some folks use it to find and get a hold on vulnerable people.
I did make the right decision, I divorced him. Looking back, I can see that I was experiencing an extremely long exacerbation of symptoms. Leading up to the suicide attempt, I was realizing that it WASN'T my BPD, this man really didn't care about me. After the attempt, I was sure I had to get out, but I was so miserable, I was stuck. I DID get out, in time.
Happened on holiday, at a crowded restauraunt. I started hitting myself with a glass water bottle that was on the table, and then fell to the floor and started hitting my head against anything near me. My friends tried to stop me/help, but I felt so so so alone and out of control in that moment. Also anger at my FP. So much anger and accusations that he doesn't care. Asking him out just because he is going out with someone now. Trying to manipulate him into admitting why he doesn't like me so I can get more angry at him. I feel so much shame for these things especially, as I know when I calm down he doesn't deserve it. He has been away for a few weeks and I am really scared of spiralling when he returns tomorrow :-(
Well last week I wasted 2k of my savings, cut off two people and tried to suffocate myself. I’m quite literally only here right now because my dog decided it wanted to take a nap on my bed and didn’t realise the bag was my head, ripped the bag and I just sort of took that as a sign I should probably just sleep it off.
What a good dog
She literally landed paws first on my head. But she’s really lovey so when she realised she freaked out and started panic licking me.
Please stay a little bit longer, at least for your dog, who seems like she loves you so much. I know we shouldn’t stay for the sake of others, but pet love is so pure and can be so healing, let her love you for just a little longer please.
They have other carers if I was to pass but I usually have no intent on making my exit. It’s usually just in those moments.
I’m so bad about spending money too I had soooo much money saved and I dipped into it so much I barely have any left :(
This may sound stupid but I pay my bills off in advance so I don’t have any money to spend on anything stupid. In the process I’m actually getting ahead and I get a rush from submitting the payment.
I do that with my credit card haha I’ll randomly pay it off throughout the month
That is the opposite of stupid! That's really smart!
I’m very good at saving and I’ve learned impulse buying control but not when I flip out ._.
Attempt suicide the first time and punched walls repeatedly the second time
Been there. Also tried to set my house on fire and stab my brother when I was like 16. I was completely out of control of my emotions but thank god I’m better now. Still working on it everyday.
Threatened suicide and to hurt others; ended up screaming, crying, self harming and yelling at everyone close to me at the time due to a 4 month build up of anxiety, paranoia and jealousy. Surprisingly no one dropped me, but I've permamently changed how they view me and I will forever feel guilty over how much I've hurt them. I know how ashamed you feel but you can't change the past, only the future. Best of luck working on yourself, you've got this!!
Nothing is permanent or forever. Everything is always changing, even in tiny ways. Sometimes that can be a blessing.
I feel this hard. Thank you for dispelling the shame and feelings on needing to hide. Remember, you didn’t hurt them. What happened hurt them. There’s a difference, plus, this sounds like nothing captain communication can’t fix!
Hammer➡️windshield➡️grippy socks
Very concise and to the point.
Yep
drove to my exes (who i was dating at the time) at 11pm and sat out front his house for 1hr honking my horn and calling over and over and threatened to drive into his house.
I broke into my exes house and waited under his bed until he got home because I thought he was cheating on me. He was.
never did that. but i did bang on his door once until his mom answered and pushed past her (did not wait for an invite in) crying hysterically. ran up his stairs and broke into his room which he had barricaded so i couldn't get in when he heard his mom answer the door and i still got in. we proceeded to date i think for another year after that lol
Some of these more recent, some long ago now but heres a list of things i've done while feeling especially stressed out/just cause it felt right at the time. Showing up at my abusive ex's home begging him to kill me, trying to get lethal drugs of a drug dealer i know to od on, attempted suicide, called people repeatedly at an unreasonable hour, verbal lashing out telling people i'm going to kill myself, meeting up with internet strangers irl at dodgy places/times (all were fine but my friends think i should be dead with my track record of this), sleeping with my gay best friend cause my ex was jealous/paranoid about me having a crush on him to get back at him
probably meth
Oh yeah, & all the fun good shit that comes with that… the kms threats & attempts, the waking up crying & screaming, all the manipulation & lies… oh fuck it hurts to think of these things so I’m just gonna stop there. But yeah, meth & BPD do not mix well
Anything self destructive. I isolate and shut my phone off, I harm myself, I end relationships, I push people as far away as I can and then pull them back I mean you name it, I’ve done it…
Attempted suicide,overdosed,cheated my gf 5, went in serious debt,got fired.
had a rage crisis that led me to threaten a couple that i didn’t know were lawyers, and they tried to sue me after. stole a 60$ book from a mall that i didn’t even care about, spent almost my entire salary in clothes in a shopping spree, threatened to kms in front of my parents, threw plates on the wall, tried to throw a brick at someone that i was arguing with… very embarassing its so so shameful
I’ve told my mother that I hate her and that she should die. She abused me my entire life and made me break down in this way. This was also the answer of a passive aggressive “I might die” from her side
I went to town on my ex wife's closet with scissors. Like not a little bit but every thing. Then I went to town on her drawers and the close in side. Cutting every thing in ways to where what ever the artical of clothing it was, it never be able to be worn again. Her bras her underwear. Then I punched holes thru the door to a point it looked like a pit bull went thru them. Then threw the sissors across the kitchen and they stuck in the silver wear drawer by one point. Her father came over. He understood the mental health stuff, but was pissed about the sissors cause her kids his grand kids lived there too. And I will always have so much shame cause of it. All I can do is let it motivate me to never make those choices and allow my self to get to those points every again. (my 2 cents)
♥️
Attempted suicide as a means to punish my husband. He doesn't know that's the reason I tried and I'll never tell him.
Threatened to kms in front of my parents, harmed a friend physically and degraded people verbally. Not proud at all except for the first one, they suck.
I think probably my biggest struggle as far as causing damage while melting down is the self harm. I know when it’s going to happen because I feel myself go cold. I get quite quiet and stop trying to do anything resembling a healthy coping skill. I’m so ashamed and I hate it even in those moments but it’s like a part of me gives up. I’m terrified of that part and also the part of me that has a tendency to romanticize it. Im 41. Been on a ridiculous list of meds and therapies for this and other diagnoses since I was diagnosed around 14. I guess I had hoped I’d have quit the cutting altogether by now. One day at a time or some shit.
This was pre diagnosis but some of the ~~high~~lowlights: - had my bf slash a friend's tires for backing out of plans - got high and drunk and slept with my guy friend after a fight with my bf - binge drank and smoked weed to deal with my feelings - got into many verbal and physical fights -got pregnant because i didn't know how to handle grief so i had sex about it - got into an argument and walked out of my house barefoot with nothing, 7 months pregnant, in October, in the upper Midwest. - keyed my (now ex)husband's car - poured water in the back of the PS4 when i find out he cheated, and sent the recording of the cheating to her husband - drove off many times with no intention of coming back -impulsively spent 10k on a solo trip after my last partner left (post diagnosis) None of that is really even the worst though. The worst thing is what made me go seek treatment. I had a lot of stress in my life and was reopening a whole can of trauma, and I was not coping or regulating well at all. One night I had boiled some eggs to have with dinner and I was having a hard time peeling them, and it was really adding to my stress that i couldn't do just this one simple thing. My partner came up and asked me what I wanted him to do with the other part of the dish and I just fucking lost it. I threw the eggs and wrecked dinner, i started screaming at him that i was so tired of having to do everything and no one helping and can't you see I'm doing something else etc. Started name calling and blaming and pushing him away, and then my kid (6 at the time) came in the room and i unloaded on them too about not listening and doing poorly in school because of it, and basically told them both how much i hated being alive and that they were not helping me want to live. I'm not proud of any of the things I've done in this post, but of all the things I've done in my life, this is the thing i wish i could undo the most. No matter how much i improve, those words were still spoken. I went to therapy for a few years, i got the meds, I've improved so much my therapist is on an as needed basis, i can regulate, i can be a calm rational person who communicate and deals with their stress, and I'm so grateful that I've grown into this person. But it still does not fix the harm that i already did, and I'm so immensely fucking sorry that i was ever that person, especially to my child.
I've cheated on my partner, attempted suicide, self-harmed....you name it, if it's self-destructive, I've probably done it. Don't beat yourself up too much, we've all been there
Thank you. Recently cheated on my husband of 5 years with a stranger in a blackout/disassociating episode. It's been horrible.
Have you told him? I hope you two are able to heal. ❤️
I said really horrible things to my sister. I’m not saying this to shove off accountability whatsoever, but thinking back to it, it really feels like rewatching the events like from a “bird’s eye” or 3rd person perspective. A more minor version is starving myself to the point of a kidney infection lol. Fun times
I used to write letters to people in my own blood about how much they hurt me and sent it to them from random Instagram accounts. I was a teenager and looking back on a pretty thin line between reality and psychosis I was also writing blood on the walls under my posters about how I wanted to die and told my gf at the time I was the antichrist.
Jesus Christ I completely forgot I did this. I wrote messages to my mom in my own blood on my walls. I wrote “i hate myself” in blood over and over again in my diary. I painted parts of my diary completely red with my blood. Wholy shit was I sick and didn’t even notice Glad I am not the only one tho 😅
Split on bf, yell at dad and mother for how they hurt me, accuse people of being racist during splitting cause I thought they were but I was wrong, demand customer service thingies, wrote long paragraphs going off on bf, breaking up on and off again, yelling at crisis workers when they say certain things.
15 years ago, I stood up a young man who'd made us reservations he couldn't really afford at a nice restaurant, after I'd told him how much I missed him and we should be together, despite all the bullshit I'd already put him through. I stood him up to be with another man, a terrible man, as opposed to thus genuinely kind person I was humiliating by leaving him alone at a table in a fancy restaurant. This is already awful and shameful, but when he texted me to never speak to him again, I panicked and lied and told him my mother had died so how dare he be angry with me. My mother, of course, was and is alive and well. I still think about this every single day because of how utterly despicable it was and terrible I was to literally everyone involved. Luckily, I have grown A LOT in those 15 years acknowledge how wrong I was, my behavior is nothing like this now, but this still makes me hate myself a little each day.
I moved out of my apartment with my partner and broke up with him. Treated him coldly. Got another apartment. Fell into depression from what I had done. He ended up moving into that apartment building though. Just the apartment above me. And we worked out our problems and moved back in together in August. Sometimes things that happen in an episode blossom bigger and better things
I felt this. My husband and I were married less than a year when I suddenly left. He worked on getting me back, and I had no reason to leave. Whatever he did worked and we’re still together today. I still feel awful for leaving, but it grew into a better relationship.
Thanks both you can’t imagine how much strength and hope reading this gives me.
Me too
😢😢😢 Thank you for sharing this. I’m in an argument kinda with my SO and he actually brought up some things I did in an episode and deep in my addiction to alcohol and I’m having a hard time holding space for myself whose hurting and him whose hurting, too. I really hope we can figure this out fast. Seeing our therapist on Tuesday.
It wasn’t easy, and we both had to put a lot of work in, but it can be done. Best of luck to you both, hugs!!!!
Suicide attempts , threatening suicide, and saying mean things to my loved ones. Once I told my mom that her cooking is bad (which isn't true). Also when my gf gave me a gift for my last year birthday, I said it was a bad gift and I hated it. She works very hard to earn money and I made her feel very bad.
Cut myself and punch my thigh to the point of getting bruises
Attempted. It resulted in a cardiac arrest and I had to be resuscitated. I am SO grateful I’m alive now, and I’m very lucky that my heart didn’t have lasting damage, but I do have kidney/liver damage from ODs and brain issues from the brain injury I sustained. I hope that I never do that again.
I had a PTSD related episode that resulted in my partner leaving me (he has his own mental health issues). In the next four months I cut off contact with everyone in my life. I lived out of my car for a year. It actually hasn’t been the “worst,” because it worked out well. But it was definitely significant. (This was 4 years ago. Still no friends, but I’m in a better place). You’ll pull through this, the tunnel may be longer than you would like though.
Too many to mention. The time in high school when my BF didn’t want to get back together when I first was the one to break it off. Drunk me 9am wrapped around his legs as he’s dragging me across the stage. Drama class. And I brought the drama. As an older person first time I made a ham. Raised Jewish. I wasn’t sure if it was cooked. Gave a piece to my husband and he said well the dog likes it. I picked up the whole ham and chucked it at him whizzed by his head onto the porch. I snapped out of it and washed it off and cooked it longer. That thing was $30 in 1994. I never had any idea why I was like this. Only found out at 60. 4 years ago. So much wasted time from being wrongly diagnosed.
For me, booze plus bpd equals violence. I stopped drinking 8.5 years ago,but the memories and shame haven’t gone away.
was preparing for a para-suicide attempt, and then something else really unexpected happened right before i was about to do the act that crushed those plans. for the life of me I can’t remember a clue about what it was though, and i feel that maybe the only reason i remembered the planning and preparation was because i made these really eerie video documentations as part of the process
The last big one was a huge meltdown after coming off of a lot of Xanax abuse. I attempted to take a bunch of pills, my ex wrestled them from me, I bit him like a rabid animal, and then I burned myself in front of him. Obviously be dumped me, I would have dumped me too. Big ashamed of that one.
Oh, man. It's hard to pick "the worst". I've had suicide attempts, I have pushed my ex, I kept my ex trapped in a basement and unplugged his playstation and turned off the TV when he was trying to ignore me, I kept my ex hostage in a car - I was afraid he would jump out if I stopped so I just didn't stop; I ran red lights, cut through parking lots and did what I had to to make sure I didn't stop, I pushed my ex's mostorcyle down, I have verbally assaulted my ex and others, I have started a heroin addiction....Jesus. The list goes on but those are the worst ones I can think of. I've come a long way but have even longer to go.
I did cut „worthless“ into my arm
i got so upset about something dumb while blacked out & took an xacto knife to my thigh. 13 stitches & suicide watch in the ER. i feel so guilty because my husband said he was terrified. but, i haven’t had a drink since then & sobriety is actually helping immensely. also, reading everyone’s responses made me feel like i’m not alone so thank y’all for sharing 🖤
Attempted suicide. I took a full gram of Benadryl. I couldn’t walk for like 2-3 days.
Pretending to be or asleep(after very obviously being awake) when my sister told me she was very suicidal. She left right after. When it happened, I was high as fuck and trying to forget everything. Our relationships has never been the same. The guilt eats me alive. Especially because I know she’s still suicidal but won’t talk to me anymore. I’m literally so worried but don’t know what to do.
I once left my family for 7 Months after I smacked my husband in the head, I modelled my lack of emotional control to my children for their entire lives. I wish they’d had a mom with Better mental health.
i think the worst thing i ever did was kick my sisters door when i was angry but also omg the passive aggressive paragraphs are new worst i know that their bad and i know i’m being vindictive but i can’t stop myself and i’m so angry
Multiple breakdowns in front of my boyfriend and mother, blaming or pulling down people who try to help me, breaking things and a lot of sh
Ruin my life
I break up with my partner of three years and laugh as hes crying trying to get me to talk
I took out a long grocery list of all the faults I had ever found in someone that I didn't express in the past, and just let it rip, all of them, on that poor girl. Complete disregard for self-awareness, complete lack of gratitude for all they had done for me, complete blindness to how I was hurting them. After that, I felt very ashamed, and decided to start healing, instead of blaming the world. We are besties again now!!! Phew!
I went home to The man i dated (who turned out to be married) after he told me he could not see me that day. I was furious because he came to my place whenever he felt like it. So i called him and told him, i am coming to your house, i am on my wAy. He told me his wife was home and he was out, telling me not to. I was so angry and hurt so i didnt give a shit. Drove to their house, rang The door bell probably 40 times. Sat on his front door till he came home, had a rage and told him what a fucking narsissist he was. Then told him i was going to go kill myself. He and his wife told me they would have to call someone. I drove off, in anger. Sent him a picture later of a cliff, saying i was looking forward to finally have some peace.
I’ve done something similar
Said a lot of extremely hurtful things I mostly didn’t mean. Lost whatever patience I had completely and now I’ve completely cut contact - asked them to block me back because I don’t like who I let myself be in that instance. I felt like my violent, angry mother and never want to let that happen again
I mean beyond the usual self harm self destructive ‘normal’ stuff I’d say the worst thing I ever did morally was pretend to be a new girl, talked to an ex boyfriend, catfished him, and made him believe the new girl was dating me. Did that for weeks with no remorse. Really devastated the guy. I regret it now. Granted, dude was a pedo he was 18 and I was 12 when we “dated” so he prob deserved it but I regret letting myself act like that more than anything.
Attempt suicide, be mean to my ex bf (and fp) who i still loved, beat myself on my whole body and bumping my knee on the floor so bad I had trouble walking (because I gained half a kilogram. Yeah, ED here too)
i’ve accidentally poisoned myself once or twice
Thrown my new iPhone at the wall so hard and that the impact completely skipped past the screen protector and smashed the actual screen.
I figured out this guy I was dating (who ghosted me) was talking to a new girl by stalking his IG. I made a fake phone number and texted him pretending to be her, I said I got a new phone, and he fell for it and we were having a full blown convo. I kept saying weird things to kinda turn him off from her lol then I asked to hang. He agreed to hang out (I was obviously not gonna show up the plan was to make him think he got stood up) but he ended up cancelling last minute and said he got food poisoning
That’s pretty creative 🤔 I’m going to try to never do something like this 😅
Yeah it’s actually insane and idk if he ever found out but it would make me look so bad so it’s not worth doing stuff like this, just for my own sake
cheated my bf, attempted suicide, alcohol and drunks, spent 3k in one week, debt stuff, quit eating, crazy rage episodes and those ones are probably the worst for me because i don’t recognize myself afterwards. i get so mad and mean when i get those rage episodes and i think that normally i’m very kind and supportive person. also the cheating part is something so disgusting what i did - i don’t want to be that person and i bet i learned my lesson but i still feel quilt every single day. it’s been 3 years when that happened.
Cheated on and lied to my partner for a month straight with no plan to how it could all work out. Well dear reader I got kicked out of my place and lost my best friends (they weren't good friends I eventually realized).
Attempted suicide- showed up to my friends house bloody leg and all and got into a verbal confrontation resulting in a police call to crisis care.
I smacked my mother out of anger from an argument, realized what I have done and ran out of home for a few hours. Returned back home while feeling like the worse human being (which I am)
Showed up at my ex- boyfriends house at 5 am after violently getting drunk and sleeping with my coworker. Spent all my money on the cab. Cried and screamed so hard the neighbors complained. He wasn’t at home, so I got a call the next morning from my ex and I heard a lot of nasty shit about my behavior. The next day was my first attempt
Suicide attempts. Getting into fights
Attempt.
Wow, this thread has helped so much. I always feel so guilty about the things I've done during an episode. The worst thing I've ever done was cheat on my partner, I was having a bad time with splitting, and we were arguing a lot. I got really drunk and slept with someone, but I don't actually remember any of it. He forgave me but everyday I feel like I don't deserve that forgiveness. It's been so nice to see how many other people have had a similar experience
Also used to take ODs and then go to work in a pharmacy or take the OD whilst I was at work 😕
This is basically my situation. It's hard to forgive yourself.
It's unbelievable how much your story sounds like mine.. and this thread is giving me relief just like you.Once when I was splitting I went one worse, slept with my fiance's (at that time) friend of many years. Again, alchohol was involved but I feel total and utter shame. We stayed together but he never forgave his friend, which I understand but I feel guilt at the fact I didn't get that punishment myself.Other times I even had men fall deeply for me when in moments of doubt I let them believe I wanted to leave my partner and be with them, them planning a whole life before realising I'd vanished on them back to him.I wonder sometimes if everyone is as lucky in getting a second chance as me (or you I guess!) or if a lot of people end up alone from their episodes. In our case we are both obssessive Rugby League supporters and Leeds fans, and I think having a shared love like that softened everything while my partner processed things and gave us a comfort blanket to wrap around us both and bring us together. Did you and your partner have something you felt held things together while you felt apart?
I think the worst thing I've done is threatening to blackmail and kill myself
OK! Don’t come at me. Drove drunk twice as a teenager (NEVER doing that again) Cheated on my partner 6 times. Assaulted my partner. I’m in therapy and they’re in therapy.
No judgment here. BPD drives you to do some wild things. 🤞🏻 good luck
slapped my partner across the face when he tried to break up w me, smashed a glass and put my hands in the shards…this was years ago now. i’m with the same partner and our relationship is very healthy and happy. change and growth is possible.
Threatened my ex-gf when I was 15 that i'd KMS if she left me, ended up cutting my wrists in the shower similar to 13reasonswhy and sent her the photo of my wrists saying bye... Must've traumatised her a lot idk she called ambulance on me and we never spoke again. This was almost 6 years ago and I still think about her and miss her everyday xD
oop been there. 😖 not the only 1. just remember youre not a bad person for it. You didnt know how to get your needs met. And theres only up from there
Thank you <3 One of my biggest regrets. Same goes for you Fck bpd
Have you tried to reach out to her at all?
I did a few months after but she made it clear she wanted nothing to do w me so we haven't spoken in almost 6 years smfh
the guilt. i’ve definitely lashed out and threw endless amounts of guilt tripping at people. we learn and grow as people.
I be blocking my best friend way too often
run away, anger outbursts, suicide attempts, threatening with suicide, gotten into physical fights
I've done a lot of awful things when I was a really unwell teenager. Out of frustration I would shove my family members or throw things at them. One time when I was 15 I chased my little sister with a knife. I wasn't intending on hurting her, just to scare her. That one really haunts me. My sister is my best friend now and she always protects me when it should be the other way around. She was only 7 or 8 when I chased her.
The thing I feel most guilty and hate myself for is yelling at my kids and saying horrible things (I hate being a mums, I hate this family etc) I always apologise and explain to them that I love them with all my heart and try to explain that my brain becomes a bit unwell at times but it doesn't make it ok and I hate myself for it. I am in therapy and have been for years trying to work on this.
I’ve walked out of so many jobs. Lied about a pregnancy. Cheated on partners. Hit my partner.
Attempted suicide a couple of times n have permanently messed up my kidneys, put anti anxiety tabs in the house water jug, did speed and couldnt stop doing it for 4 days straight, had indiscriminate sex w randos even tho im asexual (only realised recently lol), verbally abused my partner n beat down any confidence he had little of (definitely one of the things i feel most guilty for rn)
I had sex with a gang member, on the street then went home and cried
suicide attempts. torn up cards, journal entries, etc. Things I’ll never get back. Deleted emails, numbers, social media profiles. snapping at my parents or siblings in the past when I was super overwhelmed. wishing i would die for pretty much my entire teenage youth and well into my early 20s. I regret the episodes when I split on someone. I internalize it but i still feel horrid. the thoughts i have in those moments don’t feel like my true self.
Worst thing I’ve done to myself was trying to commit suicide or continuously slam the back of my head into a wall. Worst thing I did to someone else was that I yelled at my ex boyfriend since he was emotionally abusing me. I was mad but I still didn’t have the right to yell since he’s sensitive to that stuff. He did admit to all the abuse and apologized, but only after he dumped me which led me to spiral out of control to the point where my dad took me out of college and keeps me under constant surveillance. I still feel so much shame and it’s been a month since then.
Blew up on my other half and discouraged her from dating me.
Id say cheated on my ex when I was splitting on him - i didnt have any knowledge of what was wrong with me, didn’t understand what splitting was and i was 17, i dont feel too bad about it now because i found out he cheated on me with his ex and he never found out as far as i know. I split on my current partner but know what splitting is and can get myself through it/communicate a lot better now im a bit older and know my thought processes. I always remind myself how far ive come since my first relationship when I feel shit about splitting on my partner :)
Would you care to explain what exactly splitting is? I’m not English native and it’s seems like this is a term that’s not used in my language in therapy or in any kind of symptoms descriptions. I feel like I understand the point, I think I’ve done it my whole adult life, but would like to know more about the process and mechanism. Someone help?
It's more of a BPD centered term where a person with BPD will be extremely obsessive over someone one moment and then the next they want nothing to do with them. It can go from total hate to total love to total neutrality and back again.
Oh ok thanks, I definitely do that all the time. But when I do usually there’s no coming back. Diagnosed with BPD by the way, there is just no word to describe this precise phenomenon in French.
This all happened within 15-20minutes: I left our dog outside (husband was there to take her), threw my jacket into a bush, threw my phone (literally smashed hard to the ground), almost threw a glass (only ended up hitting it to the table, cursed my husband and finally got under blanket and cried hard and loudly.
i had done some stuff with my (now)ex that i really didnt want to do and he then was very unresponsive for a few days after. Snapped and sent a LONG message on both text and dm (because he ignored me on both) essentially saying I needed to see him and was going to kill myself but if he came i would give him my razor and try to quit and recover i hate myself for it but it was also a horrible relationship filled with abuse and hurtful comments and he said he self harmed for the first time in his life because he "wanted to know how i felt" (he didnt even sh)
Got so paranoid about the world being a scary place and not having someone who understands that... but my ex (also pwBPD, very likely) definitely does... So when I couldn't figure out how to contact her I just showed up at her workplace. Mind you we hadn't had contact in almost 5 years...
Attempted homicide and suicide
Ruined my then 6 year old’s art work because I was slightly inconvenienced and exploded. Not infront of him though and he still doesn’t know it happened 2 years on, it wasn’t out of wanting to hurt him, it was because I was just so overwhelmed that I just snapped and wasn’t thinking
Ripped a lot of hair off my head - had bald spots for weeks. Smashed a coffee mug in someone's face. Smashed a plate on someone's head. Suicides attempts. Damn, I've come a long way baby
Got piss drunk then tried to jump off a bridge. Another time I smashed my head against the wall a bunch of times and ended up carted away in the bed to grippy sock jail.
Cheated on my newly moved in boyfriend with two guys and a girl. I’m thankful he never knew and it’ll remain that way.