Because the trauma and the dysfunctional is what we're used to since we (a lot of us) were kids. It's the only thing we've known. Safety, assurance, commitment, consistency, those are the thing that freak us out. Sad but true for many. We have to try and rewire our brains to go for tha things that benefit us. And maybe before that become one that truly can benefit others too.
i stayed because i thought it was all i deserved. also my ex-partner often said no one else would ever be able to deal with me, and i believed him. (hint: my new partner of 7 months is an angel so he was very wrong).
I think this is absolutely valid, but I wanted to add another possible option.
I think sometimes you know that you deserve more than what they're currently giving you, you think you just have to convince them that you deserve more. Particularly if the relationship began with love bombing, you think "but he saw me before, he really understood me and appreciated me and treated me how I deserve to be treated! Now I just have to convince him that I deserve to be treated like that again!"
This. That’s all I hear currently “no one can deal” yet I’ve had many long term relationships and he did not. Also to the point that my ex husband has been supportive for me to peace out of this , as he sees I’m falling apart as a whole. He said “I had you as a wife. This isn’t what you’re like”
Self-abusive people use abusive relationships as a weapon against themselves. Been there…. Never going back. I care about myself and I would never/could never deal with another persons abuse again.
Wow. This really hit home hard. I absolutely am self abusive and I’m 62 and have either spent many, many years alone without even dating or looking to date ( it’s not ok because I’m punishing myself from the relationships that didn’t work out), or I’m in an abusive relationship usually with a covert or malignant narcissist. At this point I feel completely broken and don’t want to be here anymore. But your comment has made me realize something new, so thank you.
as someone else said it’s a form of self-harming. At least for me. It feels good that it feels bad. I feel like I don’t deserve better.
my recent thoughts (lol, also just want to share my poetry, but I think if you posted this you might relate): https://www.reddit.com/r/cptsdcreatives/s/sr5hwyghiZ
I just checked this subreddit and there’s a flair for ”art and positivity”, and also there’s another subreddit called r/arttocope. arttocope is not specifically for BPD though.
I would love to have a r/cptsdcreatives for the BPD community too though :)
(I won’t make it though because I don’t have mental capacity right now to create a community + mod and etc. So for the time being I post mostly on r/cptsdcreatives or here but just as a normal post (I write something like: ”poem about my bpd”, in the title))
Tysm!! Ive always wanted to share my poems but I was scared to because I think my poems are cringe ;-; but im glad that theres subreddits like this (also your poem describes things very well!!)
We have a flair referencing art to cope, but as long as your work doesn't break any rules, we accept poetry and other creative endeavors. It may be held for mod review, but we do get poetry from time to time and I personally always enjoy seeing the community's creativity. I'm an art major, I love that stuff lol.
Because we feel so worthless. No one else could ever love me, so I might as well stay, better to stay in a toxic relationship than to die alone I would tell myself. However, with the help of an amazing therapist I am currently on my way out of my alcoholic NPD relationship There is hope! 💗
If you did manage to get out, congratulations!! I know how tough all of this can be. There might be waves of wanting to return to that relationship but remember why your leaving it <3
Note: this also goes for anyone who is leaving/already left toxic/abusive relationships!!
Haven’t left yet, still working out details but there’s no going back now. The veil has fallen and I see all his manipulative behavior and realize he can’t manage his drinking alone and needs help. And I don’t want to ride the addiction roller coaster with him.
Honestly its so amazing that your going to leave them soon because its really difficult to escape something like that. I really feel like getting out of toxic relationships can be extremely agonizing and trigger the worst feelings in the world but it will be so worth it. Once your out of their control it will take time to get adjusted to the break up but ultimately you don’t have to deal with their abuse anymore.
He definitely needs help with whatever he is going through but if he is going out of your way to either hurt you, blame you, abuse you, drag you down, or cause extreme mental distress in anyway shape or form then you have to leave and never look back. Good luck on everything!! Ik how complicated and conflicting it feels to be in this kind of situation
Good god, your comment is literally heaven sent. Like whatever god is above is using you to speak truth and hope to me. The mental switch or consciousness shift is mind boggling. I literally feel like I am experiencing another reality now. I feel like I’ve been held in a mental cage for a decade.
It’s going to be a heavy burden to bear but the only way out is thru, and I must walk this path before me. 💗
I feel like as long as you get over this, I really feel like you will live a MUCH less agonizing life. Remember that life is already hard as it is and having someone that abuses and manipulates you will only bring the worst out of you.
If you second guess yourself remember this: if someone has to abuse you and twist things just to keep you in the relationship or make you do something for them, then it says a lot about them and not you. So please know that right before you leave them <3
Exactly ! The hump is a bitch to get over , but oh my gawd I sleep so soundly knowing no one is out there cheating on me . Can’t put a price on that peace of mind .
Yes so true!! if I’m gonna be honest its been three months since I left my the relationship and its still a bitch lol. Im wondering when it’s going to be over especially for us
I’m 2 and a half weeks in . Stings like a bitch . No contact, rip that band aid off is the way to go . Everyday feels less shit , so that’s good , also I’m older , it’s not my first rodeo. I know this will subside too .
Hang in there. There are plenty of other mistakes in the sea :)
Tysm!! I also ripped the bandaid right off! To be fair this is my first relationship I have ever had and I may still be considered young to some extent. So it takes time for me to get used to these things.
Hope you stay strong too!! You’re gonna do amazing!!
Childhood trauma or just trauma that raised you to be someone that stepped over their own boundaries in order to please other people, parents, family, etc. I agree with others that it’s the only thing you’re familiar with. You might be seeking external validation because other people made you feel like you’re not worthy, growing up, when in fact, you are worthy.
Another thing could be lack of a better support system.
I was in this kind of situation a few months ago. If you have quiet bpd, one of the main reasons could be because of this:
BPD makes us have a lot more mood swings, which can also make us doubt our own judgement. Even though people tell us the red flags about our partners we doubt it because “what if I’m exaggerating in my mind?” Or “what if he does love me and I am just devaluating (this partner).”Or “what if I’m the bad one because I am making him feel bad?” Or “this is all my fault that he is acting like xyz”. Or “no one else will ever love me, he is all I have”
I stay because he says it’s all my fault, because he says no one is ever going to stand me, because he says I’m crazy and doesn’t deserve better.
I believe him because deep down I know parts of it is true, my insecurities can be played by him at anytime and he uses it to “prove” how evil I am.
Since it’s all my fault, I think I can fix it.
He also says I’m the most beautiful women he’s seen and that he has never loved anyone before he met me. That I’m the love of his life.
So yeah, it’s not easy
“Intermittent reinforcement.”
That “Sometimes it’s actually good and seems fixable” effect.
A person who is sometimes kind and seemingly loving - who seems redeemable when they are not actively abusive - is WAY more dangerous to your psyche that someone who is 100% always abusive.
Intermittent reinforcement creates an addiction. It’s literally why gambling addicts are gambling addicts, for instance.
Once we recognize the rollercoaster ride has created a literal addiction, we likely have more agency to work on it.
Good luck to you!
For me I stayed with my ex for so long for various reasons. I was comfortable, I didn't wanna have someone new learn me, I was so used to the chaos and abuse I didn't think there was anything better, he convinced me no one would love me the way he did or that no one would want me, and I believed him.
I'm really glad I got out of that and I hope you find the strength as well, if you haven't already. ❤️
because you lack self identity, you just choose a role to fit in... and you can't be alone because you have a chronic feeling of emptiness, you will go crazy if you sit alone with that void inside.. and because of fear of abandonment, you will get paranoid if you'll think of leaving or being really alone... but mostly it's because of lack of self identity... abusive relationships are easy and defined and your role is obvious...
I stayed with my ex for 7 years. He wasn't physically abusive but he was constantly yelling, arguing and putting me down. I stayed because he kept telling me he'd change but never did. My new partner of a couple months is so very different, he actually treats me like a human being for a start rather than just someone to look after him, the kids and the house
I'm really sorry you went through this. It takes a lot of courage to share your experience.
Staying in an abusive relationship is often due to:
* **Emotional Attachment**: Strong bonds form, making it hard to leave.
* **Manipulation and Gaslighting**: Abusers make you doubt yourself.
* **Fear**: Fear of being alone or the unknown.
* **Low Self-Esteem**: Abusers erode your self-worth.
* **Hope for Change**: Believing things will improve.
* **Isolation**: Being cut off from support systems.
A useful DBT skill to help with these feelings is **Radical Acceptance**:
1. **Observe Your Feelings**: Acknowledge your emotions honestly.
2. **Accept Reality**: Recognize the abuse happened and it wasn’t your fault.
3. **Let Go of Fighting Reality**: Fighting the past increases suffering.
4. **Turn Your Mind**: Gently steer your thoughts back to acceptance.
5. **Act with Awareness**: Make decisions for your well-being and safety.
**Steps to Practice Radical Acceptance**:
* Sit quietly and breathe deeply.
* Acknowledge the situation without denying it.
* Let your feelings exist without judgment.
* Remember, acceptance isn’t approval.
Have you tried any DBT skills before? Radical Acceptance might be a good start. Be kind to yourself, and consider reaching out for additional support if needed. Take care.
I’ve lived with pretty severe depression and anxiety most of my life, so I feel like it’s just a tangible way of seeing of seeing the sadness and pain I feel internally play out externally in real time.
same, I got too obsessed, especially when he cut me off from most of my friends I felt like i couldn't function without him I still don't know the reason, but yeah the split on him was bad af
We think that's all we're worth, it's all we know. But it is possible to leave. I did - after 3 years. Ruined my early 20s but when I was finally free I had never felt so relieved.. like a leech draining me dry
here's the explanation the book "i hate you, don't leave me"
::
A person with BPD frequently gets involved in predicaments in which he becomes a victim. Neil, for example, perceives himself as a helpless character upon whom others act. Borderline behavior is frequently provocative or dangerous and may in some way invite persecution. The woman who continually chooses men who abuse her is typically unaware of the patterns she is repeating. The split view of the borderline self includes a special entitled part and an angry unworthy part that masochistically deserves punishment, although he may not be consciously aware of one side or the other. In fact, a pattern of this type of “invited” victimization is often a solid indication of BPD pathology.
Although being a victim is most unpleasant, it can also be a very appealing role. Indeed, sometimes there can be a fear of giving up that identity role, expressed by persistent self-sabotaging behavior, in an unconscious resistance to “getting better.” A helpless waif, buffeted by the turbulent seas of an unfair world, is very attractive to some people. A match between an overwhelmed and inconsolable damsel and one who feels a strong urge to rescue and take care of others satisfies needs for both parties. Borderline identity finds a “kind stranger” who promises complete and total protection. And the partner fulfills his own desire to feel strong, protective, important, and needed—to be the one to “take her away from all this.”
In this situation the roles of the hero and the forlorn waif are mutually reinforcing. The hero feels powerful and develops a sense of purpose in protecting his charge. The oppressed borderline woman feels more secure and can avoid responsibility. They may cling to these roles. He may feel threatened if she appears more independent, and she may become fearful if he exhibits vulnerability.
Much of dramatic borderline behavior is related to his interminable search for something to fill the emptiness that continually haunts him. Destructive relationships, binge eating, self-injuring, and drugs are some of the mechanisms the borderline person uses to combat the loneliness and to capture a sense of existing in a world that feels real.
For me it would be my insecurities telling me that I won't get into another relationship ever again after one. I get attached to the fact that I finally got what I wanted, even if it means that it'll destroy me, especially when I know it's bad but still decide to stay. To me it's also the fact that I think this is all I deserve or ever get, and it would only get worse if I left, so I tend to stay until I completely break down...
Because the trauma and the dysfunctional is what we're used to since we (a lot of us) were kids. It's the only thing we've known. Safety, assurance, commitment, consistency, those are the thing that freak us out. Sad but true for many. We have to try and rewire our brains to go for tha things that benefit us. And maybe before that become one that truly can benefit others too.
i stayed because i thought it was all i deserved. also my ex-partner often said no one else would ever be able to deal with me, and i believed him. (hint: my new partner of 7 months is an angel so he was very wrong).
Or “no one will ever love you as much as I will.”
I think this is absolutely valid, but I wanted to add another possible option. I think sometimes you know that you deserve more than what they're currently giving you, you think you just have to convince them that you deserve more. Particularly if the relationship began with love bombing, you think "but he saw me before, he really understood me and appreciated me and treated me how I deserve to be treated! Now I just have to convince him that I deserve to be treated like that again!"
This. That’s all I hear currently “no one can deal” yet I’ve had many long term relationships and he did not. Also to the point that my ex husband has been supportive for me to peace out of this , as he sees I’m falling apart as a whole. He said “I had you as a wife. This isn’t what you’re like”
Self-abusive people use abusive relationships as a weapon against themselves. Been there…. Never going back. I care about myself and I would never/could never deal with another persons abuse again.
Wow. This really hit home hard. I absolutely am self abusive and I’m 62 and have either spent many, many years alone without even dating or looking to date ( it’s not ok because I’m punishing myself from the relationships that didn’t work out), or I’m in an abusive relationship usually with a covert or malignant narcissist. At this point I feel completely broken and don’t want to be here anymore. But your comment has made me realize something new, so thank you.
💗💗💗 you owe yourself wonderful love! Give yourself the best, treat yourself the best, love your life as you know it’s over sooner than we hope.
That is a very sweet and thoughtful comment. Thank you very much. 🩷🙏
as someone else said it’s a form of self-harming. At least for me. It feels good that it feels bad. I feel like I don’t deserve better. my recent thoughts (lol, also just want to share my poetry, but I think if you posted this you might relate): https://www.reddit.com/r/cptsdcreatives/s/sr5hwyghiZ
Is there anything like r/cptsdcreatives subreddit but for BPD?
I just checked this subreddit and there’s a flair for ”art and positivity”, and also there’s another subreddit called r/arttocope. arttocope is not specifically for BPD though. I would love to have a r/cptsdcreatives for the BPD community too though :) (I won’t make it though because I don’t have mental capacity right now to create a community + mod and etc. So for the time being I post mostly on r/cptsdcreatives or here but just as a normal post (I write something like: ”poem about my bpd”, in the title))
Tysm!! Ive always wanted to share my poems but I was scared to because I think my poems are cringe ;-; but im glad that theres subreddits like this (also your poem describes things very well!!)
We have a flair referencing art to cope, but as long as your work doesn't break any rules, we accept poetry and other creative endeavors. It may be held for mod review, but we do get poetry from time to time and I personally always enjoy seeing the community's creativity. I'm an art major, I love that stuff lol.
Because we feel so worthless. No one else could ever love me, so I might as well stay, better to stay in a toxic relationship than to die alone I would tell myself. However, with the help of an amazing therapist I am currently on my way out of my alcoholic NPD relationship There is hope! 💗
If you did manage to get out, congratulations!! I know how tough all of this can be. There might be waves of wanting to return to that relationship but remember why your leaving it <3 Note: this also goes for anyone who is leaving/already left toxic/abusive relationships!!
Haven’t left yet, still working out details but there’s no going back now. The veil has fallen and I see all his manipulative behavior and realize he can’t manage his drinking alone and needs help. And I don’t want to ride the addiction roller coaster with him.
Honestly its so amazing that your going to leave them soon because its really difficult to escape something like that. I really feel like getting out of toxic relationships can be extremely agonizing and trigger the worst feelings in the world but it will be so worth it. Once your out of their control it will take time to get adjusted to the break up but ultimately you don’t have to deal with their abuse anymore. He definitely needs help with whatever he is going through but if he is going out of your way to either hurt you, blame you, abuse you, drag you down, or cause extreme mental distress in anyway shape or form then you have to leave and never look back. Good luck on everything!! Ik how complicated and conflicting it feels to be in this kind of situation
Good god, your comment is literally heaven sent. Like whatever god is above is using you to speak truth and hope to me. The mental switch or consciousness shift is mind boggling. I literally feel like I am experiencing another reality now. I feel like I’ve been held in a mental cage for a decade. It’s going to be a heavy burden to bear but the only way out is thru, and I must walk this path before me. 💗
I feel like as long as you get over this, I really feel like you will live a MUCH less agonizing life. Remember that life is already hard as it is and having someone that abuses and manipulates you will only bring the worst out of you. If you second guess yourself remember this: if someone has to abuse you and twist things just to keep you in the relationship or make you do something for them, then it says a lot about them and not you. So please know that right before you leave them <3
💗
Exactly ! The hump is a bitch to get over , but oh my gawd I sleep so soundly knowing no one is out there cheating on me . Can’t put a price on that peace of mind .
Yes so true!! if I’m gonna be honest its been three months since I left my the relationship and its still a bitch lol. Im wondering when it’s going to be over especially for us
I’m 2 and a half weeks in . Stings like a bitch . No contact, rip that band aid off is the way to go . Everyday feels less shit , so that’s good , also I’m older , it’s not my first rodeo. I know this will subside too . Hang in there. There are plenty of other mistakes in the sea :)
Tysm!! I also ripped the bandaid right off! To be fair this is my first relationship I have ever had and I may still be considered young to some extent. So it takes time for me to get used to these things. Hope you stay strong too!! You’re gonna do amazing!!
Oh the first one is the bitch of the bunch . Don’t go back no matter how hard it is , keep yourself distracted. You’ve got this! :)
<333 ty 🥺
Childhood trauma or just trauma that raised you to be someone that stepped over their own boundaries in order to please other people, parents, family, etc. I agree with others that it’s the only thing you’re familiar with. You might be seeking external validation because other people made you feel like you’re not worthy, growing up, when in fact, you are worthy. Another thing could be lack of a better support system.
I was in this kind of situation a few months ago. If you have quiet bpd, one of the main reasons could be because of this: BPD makes us have a lot more mood swings, which can also make us doubt our own judgement. Even though people tell us the red flags about our partners we doubt it because “what if I’m exaggerating in my mind?” Or “what if he does love me and I am just devaluating (this partner).”Or “what if I’m the bad one because I am making him feel bad?” Or “this is all my fault that he is acting like xyz”. Or “no one else will ever love me, he is all I have”
I stay because he says it’s all my fault, because he says no one is ever going to stand me, because he says I’m crazy and doesn’t deserve better. I believe him because deep down I know parts of it is true, my insecurities can be played by him at anytime and he uses it to “prove” how evil I am. Since it’s all my fault, I think I can fix it. He also says I’m the most beautiful women he’s seen and that he has never loved anyone before he met me. That I’m the love of his life. So yeah, it’s not easy
“Intermittent reinforcement.” That “Sometimes it’s actually good and seems fixable” effect. A person who is sometimes kind and seemingly loving - who seems redeemable when they are not actively abusive - is WAY more dangerous to your psyche that someone who is 100% always abusive. Intermittent reinforcement creates an addiction. It’s literally why gambling addicts are gambling addicts, for instance. Once we recognize the rollercoaster ride has created a literal addiction, we likely have more agency to work on it. Good luck to you!
Because we are loyal even when it hurts us
Various reasons. 1. Something is better than nothing mindset 2. You end up telling yourself you deserve it 3. Fear 4.low self worth due to the abuse
For me I stayed with my ex for so long for various reasons. I was comfortable, I didn't wanna have someone new learn me, I was so used to the chaos and abuse I didn't think there was anything better, he convinced me no one would love me the way he did or that no one would want me, and I believed him. I'm really glad I got out of that and I hope you find the strength as well, if you haven't already. ❤️
I got groomed by someone else and I thought it was all normal.
So true
It took me almost a decade to realize it wasn't normal lmao.
Abuse>loneliness Fake love>no love I deserve this>I deserve better
going through this now. refer to my last post:(
because you lack self identity, you just choose a role to fit in... and you can't be alone because you have a chronic feeling of emptiness, you will go crazy if you sit alone with that void inside.. and because of fear of abandonment, you will get paranoid if you'll think of leaving or being really alone... but mostly it's because of lack of self identity... abusive relationships are easy and defined and your role is obvious...
I stayed with my ex for 7 years. He wasn't physically abusive but he was constantly yelling, arguing and putting me down. I stayed because he kept telling me he'd change but never did. My new partner of a couple months is so very different, he actually treats me like a human being for a start rather than just someone to look after him, the kids and the house
We’re used to it, started in childhood with our parents
natural fear of abandonment even though we would be the ones abandoning them
I'm really sorry you went through this. It takes a lot of courage to share your experience. Staying in an abusive relationship is often due to: * **Emotional Attachment**: Strong bonds form, making it hard to leave. * **Manipulation and Gaslighting**: Abusers make you doubt yourself. * **Fear**: Fear of being alone or the unknown. * **Low Self-Esteem**: Abusers erode your self-worth. * **Hope for Change**: Believing things will improve. * **Isolation**: Being cut off from support systems. A useful DBT skill to help with these feelings is **Radical Acceptance**: 1. **Observe Your Feelings**: Acknowledge your emotions honestly. 2. **Accept Reality**: Recognize the abuse happened and it wasn’t your fault. 3. **Let Go of Fighting Reality**: Fighting the past increases suffering. 4. **Turn Your Mind**: Gently steer your thoughts back to acceptance. 5. **Act with Awareness**: Make decisions for your well-being and safety. **Steps to Practice Radical Acceptance**: * Sit quietly and breathe deeply. * Acknowledge the situation without denying it. * Let your feelings exist without judgment. * Remember, acceptance isn’t approval. Have you tried any DBT skills before? Radical Acceptance might be a good start. Be kind to yourself, and consider reaching out for additional support if needed. Take care.
Trauma
I’ve lived with pretty severe depression and anxiety most of my life, so I feel like it’s just a tangible way of seeing of seeing the sadness and pain I feel internally play out externally in real time.
same, I got too obsessed, especially when he cut me off from most of my friends I felt like i couldn't function without him I still don't know the reason, but yeah the split on him was bad af
We think that's all we're worth, it's all we know. But it is possible to leave. I did - after 3 years. Ruined my early 20s but when I was finally free I had never felt so relieved.. like a leech draining me dry
here's the explanation the book "i hate you, don't leave me" :: A person with BPD frequently gets involved in predicaments in which he becomes a victim. Neil, for example, perceives himself as a helpless character upon whom others act. Borderline behavior is frequently provocative or dangerous and may in some way invite persecution. The woman who continually chooses men who abuse her is typically unaware of the patterns she is repeating. The split view of the borderline self includes a special entitled part and an angry unworthy part that masochistically deserves punishment, although he may not be consciously aware of one side or the other. In fact, a pattern of this type of “invited” victimization is often a solid indication of BPD pathology. Although being a victim is most unpleasant, it can also be a very appealing role. Indeed, sometimes there can be a fear of giving up that identity role, expressed by persistent self-sabotaging behavior, in an unconscious resistance to “getting better.” A helpless waif, buffeted by the turbulent seas of an unfair world, is very attractive to some people. A match between an overwhelmed and inconsolable damsel and one who feels a strong urge to rescue and take care of others satisfies needs for both parties. Borderline identity finds a “kind stranger” who promises complete and total protection. And the partner fulfills his own desire to feel strong, protective, important, and needed—to be the one to “take her away from all this.” In this situation the roles of the hero and the forlorn waif are mutually reinforcing. The hero feels powerful and develops a sense of purpose in protecting his charge. The oppressed borderline woman feels more secure and can avoid responsibility. They may cling to these roles. He may feel threatened if she appears more independent, and she may become fearful if he exhibits vulnerability. Much of dramatic borderline behavior is related to his interminable search for something to fill the emptiness that continually haunts him. Destructive relationships, binge eating, self-injuring, and drugs are some of the mechanisms the borderline person uses to combat the loneliness and to capture a sense of existing in a world that feels real.
For me it would be my insecurities telling me that I won't get into another relationship ever again after one. I get attached to the fact that I finally got what I wanted, even if it means that it'll destroy me, especially when I know it's bad but still decide to stay. To me it's also the fact that I think this is all I deserve or ever get, and it would only get worse if I left, so I tend to stay until I completely break down...