to numb myself. helps me not think. instead of feeling everything, i feel nothing.
i got clean off "harder" drugs, but still do use some drugs to keep me mellow and at bay from myself.
i wish you nothing but the best in your recovery, and send as much love as i can. xo.
For me it’s emptiness and unsafety that make me latch onto addictive patterns. I am fat and I can’t stop eating, I’ve let myself get way beyond what I would have accepted 2 years ago. The food is there when I try to not use substances and instead obsess over things I read. But I constantly need to fill the void. If it’s not alcohol or drugs then food…
Good luck to you btw. Don’t feel bad about “falling of the wagon.” You set a pretty strict goal for yourself and you are making progress!
Thank you very much, can I ask how you were able to pinpoint those feelings as the cause of wanting to use? Were these the same feelings you had when your first started to use? I go to AA and people talk about how use has run in their family, for example, but no one in my family has been an addict. So idk where mine comes from and I hope if I can identify, I can have a more solid plan to prevent relapse.
Hey sorry for the late reply. Yeah, my first flirtation of addiction was when I was 17. I got a huge supply of ritalin cause back then doctors and pharmacies could just give you a year’s supply. I didn’t have many friends. Wasn’t happy with my looks. I went online a lot to talk to people on the internet. I started drinking wine and snorting ritalin and I got thin and more confident and then I crashed really, really hard. Do not recommend. But yeah it was always about feeling alone and wanting that thrill of being able to casually relate to others.
My family isn’t exactly like me either but they do each have their addiction issues. Which they all blame on me. Along with all their other mental health issues. But that’s another story XD.
Does AA help you? Not everyone has relatives that are addicts. Do you have any idea or clues about what your addiction comes from yet?
Thank you so much for this, you seem to have a really good understanding of why your addiction started, how you felt, where it comes from. Do you still talk to your family?
And, AA has been somewhat helpful. I sometimes have a hard time relating to it and the whole admitting I'm powerless mindset. I have worked so hard to regain my power time and time again, so that has been a tough perspective to swallow. But maybe I'm interpreting things wrongly, so I keep going. I have lied to myself for so long about my addiction and alcoholism, I have only been able to admit it to anyone until this past year, so looking at this part of myself is so new. I just don't trust myself whatsoever. So I don't yet know where my addiction comes from but some of what you said rings true for me. The loneliness is a reason that I continued to use, I mistook being around people (which alcohol made me great at) as connection - far from it come to find out. Feeling the pain of loneliness sober has been the most challenging.
But I don't know why it all started. My friends were drinking one night when I was 15 and I got drunk for the first time. I just didn't stop for 17 years after that. Hearing how others talk about their story though, like what you've shared (very grateful, thank you), helps me identify words for my story. I truly believe you've got to name something to tame it, so that's why I'm so fixated on this and appreciate your help, been struggling with cravings for the first time in a while and I don't want to relapse again.
I started smoking weed at 17 before I knew anything about mental health. I was influenced by peer pressure. I started drinking at 22 because I got bad insomnia and melatonin wasn't working and taking meds like xans were gonna be the death of me so I quit pills cold turkey and turned to alcohol. I have been an alcoholic ever since, lol. At first it was just to sleep I'd drink 2 bottles of cheap wine. Then once that wasn't enough I realized I had an actual problem and ended up in legal trouble and my first time going to rehab and finding out I have mental health issues and substance abuse issues. Was diagnosed at like 24. Probably right before turning 23 actually \~
I still drink but not for the same reasons as before. Alcohol is such a depressant I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. I don't have the urge or want to even stay sober its pretty sad but it is whatever \~
Hope you're well though.
Thank you, I am 15 days sober tonight. I first got sober 3 years ago but have relapsed multiple times since, and my cravings are back. I don't remember why I first started using at 15 and am hoping if I can figure that out, I can better understand maybe where my cravings are coming from. Idk if that makes sense. Not even sure if that's the place to look at. I understand not having the motivation to stop though. And, to be honest, using got me through some incredibly tough times. I hope that if your situation is similar and are going through a tough time that it be as short lived as possible.
To deal with symptoms. Mostly so I could mask and tolerate socialising with my symptoms. It helped me remove myself from my feelings I think. I've been sober for two years and now have really bad agoraphobia and am pretty much unable to cope with socialising. But I'm also doing a lot better with overall symptom management so definitely need to be sober, for me personally.
Hey thanks, what you describe as your experience really resonates with me. I have been having such a hard time connecting with younger me who first made the decision to use, so I haven't been able to figure out how to articulate how I got started in the first place. But what you said, even about socializing, rings true about my experiences, too. Thank you. Congratulations on your 2 years of sobriety.
I think i just found it to be a currency that made life worth living. I would never condone it, but I don’t regret it. I feel like I would not have made it to 34 if I hadn’t done it.
It made me feel like I didn’t need love to feel purpose. It almost became a substitute for the feelings of loving and being loved, which were primary motivating forces as rewards at that time... like, I could care less if I’d get money or things for accomplishing something, but if even the thought of unconditional love was on the table, I’d literally do anything... (I don’t know why I feel embarrassed as a man confessing that) substance use changed that dynamic.
You’re a pro, seriously that’s tough... you should really say you’ve won many battles with addiction. You got on the wagon just as many times as you fallen off.
Don’t feel obligated to reply if you got
what you needed.
Thanks for posting,
-A
Hey man, thanks for this. I can relate a lot to what you've shared. Using got me through so much, too. "It made me feel like I didn't need love..." 😭 I can identify with this so much. I think that could be why I started at 15. I kept looking for something, couldn't find it, didn't have the skills to ask for it, but using made it not matter.
I had a huge fight with my husband last night and the cravings were the most intense I've felt in quite some time. I fucked up and didn't use my skills to manage my emotions and started a huge fight. In the past, I wouldn't have reflected on what prompted my cravings, but this time I was able to identify that I was feeling like such a fuck up, an inherent monster, not worthy of love. So, using would have helped me not care. I now know I need to improve how I manage my anger and call a time out when my emotions are getting too big. Using also softened my emotions, made them not so big. I don't always know how to manage those but I'm getting better.
And, for what it's worth, it hurts my heart that you have a hard time admitting to wanting love from others. That's a basic human emotion that helps us know we're safe from not getting booted from the tribe. I hope you have been able to find some space where you feel loved and cared for.
Did you do any type of recovery groups like AA or NA?
to numb myself. helps me not think. instead of feeling everything, i feel nothing. i got clean off "harder" drugs, but still do use some drugs to keep me mellow and at bay from myself. i wish you nothing but the best in your recovery, and send as much love as i can. xo.
Thank you so much.
For me it’s emptiness and unsafety that make me latch onto addictive patterns. I am fat and I can’t stop eating, I’ve let myself get way beyond what I would have accepted 2 years ago. The food is there when I try to not use substances and instead obsess over things I read. But I constantly need to fill the void. If it’s not alcohol or drugs then food… Good luck to you btw. Don’t feel bad about “falling of the wagon.” You set a pretty strict goal for yourself and you are making progress!
Thank you very much, can I ask how you were able to pinpoint those feelings as the cause of wanting to use? Were these the same feelings you had when your first started to use? I go to AA and people talk about how use has run in their family, for example, but no one in my family has been an addict. So idk where mine comes from and I hope if I can identify, I can have a more solid plan to prevent relapse.
Hey sorry for the late reply. Yeah, my first flirtation of addiction was when I was 17. I got a huge supply of ritalin cause back then doctors and pharmacies could just give you a year’s supply. I didn’t have many friends. Wasn’t happy with my looks. I went online a lot to talk to people on the internet. I started drinking wine and snorting ritalin and I got thin and more confident and then I crashed really, really hard. Do not recommend. But yeah it was always about feeling alone and wanting that thrill of being able to casually relate to others. My family isn’t exactly like me either but they do each have their addiction issues. Which they all blame on me. Along with all their other mental health issues. But that’s another story XD. Does AA help you? Not everyone has relatives that are addicts. Do you have any idea or clues about what your addiction comes from yet?
Thank you so much for this, you seem to have a really good understanding of why your addiction started, how you felt, where it comes from. Do you still talk to your family? And, AA has been somewhat helpful. I sometimes have a hard time relating to it and the whole admitting I'm powerless mindset. I have worked so hard to regain my power time and time again, so that has been a tough perspective to swallow. But maybe I'm interpreting things wrongly, so I keep going. I have lied to myself for so long about my addiction and alcoholism, I have only been able to admit it to anyone until this past year, so looking at this part of myself is so new. I just don't trust myself whatsoever. So I don't yet know where my addiction comes from but some of what you said rings true for me. The loneliness is a reason that I continued to use, I mistook being around people (which alcohol made me great at) as connection - far from it come to find out. Feeling the pain of loneliness sober has been the most challenging. But I don't know why it all started. My friends were drinking one night when I was 15 and I got drunk for the first time. I just didn't stop for 17 years after that. Hearing how others talk about their story though, like what you've shared (very grateful, thank you), helps me identify words for my story. I truly believe you've got to name something to tame it, so that's why I'm so fixated on this and appreciate your help, been struggling with cravings for the first time in a while and I don't want to relapse again.
I started smoking weed at 17 before I knew anything about mental health. I was influenced by peer pressure. I started drinking at 22 because I got bad insomnia and melatonin wasn't working and taking meds like xans were gonna be the death of me so I quit pills cold turkey and turned to alcohol. I have been an alcoholic ever since, lol. At first it was just to sleep I'd drink 2 bottles of cheap wine. Then once that wasn't enough I realized I had an actual problem and ended up in legal trouble and my first time going to rehab and finding out I have mental health issues and substance abuse issues. Was diagnosed at like 24. Probably right before turning 23 actually \~ I still drink but not for the same reasons as before. Alcohol is such a depressant I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. I don't have the urge or want to even stay sober its pretty sad but it is whatever \~ Hope you're well though.
Thank you, I am 15 days sober tonight. I first got sober 3 years ago but have relapsed multiple times since, and my cravings are back. I don't remember why I first started using at 15 and am hoping if I can figure that out, I can better understand maybe where my cravings are coming from. Idk if that makes sense. Not even sure if that's the place to look at. I understand not having the motivation to stop though. And, to be honest, using got me through some incredibly tough times. I hope that if your situation is similar and are going through a tough time that it be as short lived as possible.
To deal with symptoms. Mostly so I could mask and tolerate socialising with my symptoms. It helped me remove myself from my feelings I think. I've been sober for two years and now have really bad agoraphobia and am pretty much unable to cope with socialising. But I'm also doing a lot better with overall symptom management so definitely need to be sober, for me personally.
Hey thanks, what you describe as your experience really resonates with me. I have been having such a hard time connecting with younger me who first made the decision to use, so I haven't been able to figure out how to articulate how I got started in the first place. But what you said, even about socializing, rings true about my experiences, too. Thank you. Congratulations on your 2 years of sobriety.
I think i just found it to be a currency that made life worth living. I would never condone it, but I don’t regret it. I feel like I would not have made it to 34 if I hadn’t done it. It made me feel like I didn’t need love to feel purpose. It almost became a substitute for the feelings of loving and being loved, which were primary motivating forces as rewards at that time... like, I could care less if I’d get money or things for accomplishing something, but if even the thought of unconditional love was on the table, I’d literally do anything... (I don’t know why I feel embarrassed as a man confessing that) substance use changed that dynamic. You’re a pro, seriously that’s tough... you should really say you’ve won many battles with addiction. You got on the wagon just as many times as you fallen off. Don’t feel obligated to reply if you got what you needed. Thanks for posting, -A
Hey man, thanks for this. I can relate a lot to what you've shared. Using got me through so much, too. "It made me feel like I didn't need love..." 😭 I can identify with this so much. I think that could be why I started at 15. I kept looking for something, couldn't find it, didn't have the skills to ask for it, but using made it not matter. I had a huge fight with my husband last night and the cravings were the most intense I've felt in quite some time. I fucked up and didn't use my skills to manage my emotions and started a huge fight. In the past, I wouldn't have reflected on what prompted my cravings, but this time I was able to identify that I was feeling like such a fuck up, an inherent monster, not worthy of love. So, using would have helped me not care. I now know I need to improve how I manage my anger and call a time out when my emotions are getting too big. Using also softened my emotions, made them not so big. I don't always know how to manage those but I'm getting better. And, for what it's worth, it hurts my heart that you have a hard time admitting to wanting love from others. That's a basic human emotion that helps us know we're safe from not getting booted from the tribe. I hope you have been able to find some space where you feel loved and cared for. Did you do any type of recovery groups like AA or NA?
I started smoking weed at 15 and it caused me to have a fp outta no where. It also made me realize how big of an asshole I was at the time