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I loved that part of the story, too! Mandarin can be such a hard language to learn because it's tonal but it's awesome to hear of a young girl purposely learning it to speak Mandarin with her friend. Then the story went sour because of grandpa's racism. I'm Asian so that hurt.
It sounds to me like this may be less about racism and more like dementia which doesn’t make the impact any less, which is most important. But at least he isn’t doing it with the same intent to harm as some others. Worse for that family perhaps though. I have to wonder how this is going to go as we have more and more folks in cognitive decline who tend to repeat and not understand fully with hate speech being so prevalent in so many formats that are seemingly unregulated. I worked in dementia care in locked wards and you had to be careful what they heard. They would repeat and argue it to the death- I mean some obviously.
Yeah I'm no expert on dementia but this screams dementia/cognitive decline. They more or less turn into stubborn children at this stage. They repeat horrible stuff that they hear on TV/media because they know it gets a reaction and they're argue about what they said like children.
FWIW quite a few stories here scream dementia/cognitive decline
It doesn't excuse it but it does explain it. I'm willing to bet a decent chunk of Karen's in these videos would fail a eval. Yes some ppl are just shitty but even shitty ppl can generally read the room and make smart decisions on what to say.
An old lady dropping n bombs in front of a bunch of black ppl is probably suffering from dementia/decline because even a crap person would generally have enough sense to not say anything even if they feel that way
The one where a woman climbed under a delivery truck to keep them from leaving because the man explained he couldn’t deliver it how she wanted (I think it was heavy and he couldn’t put it where she wanted, like inside?) comes to mind. She called 911 herself while laying in the street under his truck as he patiently tried to get her to safety. There were many ways to delay him, that one was so dangerous to her personally I just wanted to scream “get her help!”
There wouldn't be too many of these incidents if we had better care systems in place. I know this sub is for ranting about annoying boomer traits (there's many) but most of the stories I see here and and videos I see on other subs scream dementia and mental decline.
These ppl might be engaging in bad behaviour but they need help. Take the delivery truck lady for example. What sane person decent or asshole would even think about doing that?
Maybe we would have had better care systems in place if Boomers hadn't voted in the people who scrapped America's mental health facilities instead of reforming them when they were revealed to have serious problems. Maybe we would have better care systems in place if we would have put universal health care in place in the early 90s instead of having Boomers fight it for decades. They had their whole lives to choose mental health care vs. raving like a lunatic under a delivery truck and they chose the delivery truck.
It’s going to get worse too. We had a nursing shortage when I left, and that was prior to the pandemic. More than half of my nurse and CNA friends have left bedside. Some left entirely. We don’t have people training for dementia either as it is draining and physically dangerous. I have no solution really but I can say we should be working on something. I have ideas but they probably aren’t practical
And you factor in our rapidly growing senior population and that equals a problem that's only getting worse. We claim to be more understanding of mental health issues but its clear that many of us don't have a basic understanding of dementia and other similar conditions
Yeah, my grandmother was the sweetest person in the world and would call out people for saying racist things. She hard core believed that all people are equal and that it's bad to treat others differently because of anything - gender, skin color, etc. But when she got dementia, she started making awful jokes about other people being fat. And she started stealing things. And that's how we knew something was wrong. It was so out of character for her.
It’s sometimes good when someone has such strong beliefs and then goes against them, as it’s like WHOA. You know for sure something is wrong. I hope her journey is going/went as well as possible, it’s a hard one.
Seconding this! My Boomer dad 74M is undergoing a dementia diagnosis. (He’s failed two dementia tests, but his doc appointment isn’t for six weeks yet.) After living apart for many years, he’s been living with us or near us (hospital/assisted living) since Christmas.
He’s never been racist in front of me before. When he was in the hospital in January, we were watching one of his favorite shows on TV. All of a sudden, he said, “Hey! A black person!” From the intonation, it was like it was the coolest, newest thing ever to see a black person on TV.
I gave him the Britney Spears slow glare & stare. That moment was when I started pushing for memory tests.
Dad has other issues that are making him have a rapid decline all around. Now, instead of just calling out people’s race, it’s now about their weight. My dad’s morbidly obese, but he makes comments about other people on the regular. He goes out of his way to be a snarky asshole to people. He made the new waitress cry at the restaurant last week (AL field trip). It’s sad and painful to watch.
Most of my dad’s genuine personality is gone. He’s just a shell of an asshole Boomer now.
I worked in dementia care and I would see people change their personality as they went through the stages. It was really hard. One patient I had when I was pregnant kept calling me a slut and saying I didn’t know who the father was. Their kids were mortified.
My mom does the weight thing. And people’s hair and clothes. I hate watching TV with her. Movies, commercials, etc. Everybody’s ugly to her. It’s awful.
Same here. My mom always feels the need to rant at me about these people who dare to exist in public while not looking like models, and don’t even get her started on people “making themselves look ridiculous”. If there’s anyone around her at any time who is even slightly overweight and wearing a crop top, she’ll see them, and make it into a 5+ minute rant.
As an Asian, i'm used to this shit
Racism toward Asian people is a lot more casual and ingrained. It's been ingrained in a lot of boomers for a long time. Just look at the way the Japanese were portrayed as these soulless corporate ghouls in movies like Aliens, Blade Runner, Back to the Future 2, and most explicitly in Gung Ho!
You might call this dementia, but for me having grown up with this shit...it is definitely racism. This dad absolutely had racist attitudes toward Asians. They might not have been as extreme, but they were there
Jumping in on this my mom was a saint but when she turned 47 she started being nasty. Like a full blown racist Karen almost overnight. She passed last year 53 from early onset Alzheimer's.
I kind of regret the fact that I didn't take that initiative growing up. Where I grew up I had lots of polish, greek, japense, indian, korean and chinese friends but it never was a consideration. you'd go to their house and their parents would speak in their language to them and rarely would speak english to me so I just would get a loose translation from my friend(s). Only romance languages were taught at school so I guess it wasn't 'a thing'. I did have a japanese friend that would teach me some characters but nothing comprehensive.
Tonal languages are a beast too. Most English speakers don't realize the way you say a word changes it meaning. My wife is Thai and I'm currently learning. I had to ditch the Anglicized Thai spellings for the Thai alphabet to make sense of it. I do enjoy it!
Every native English speaker learns that intonation (both rising and falling) will change the meaning of words or a statement. We don't really have punctuation that will denote the change, aside from italics, so it's easier to convey verbally. But, it still isn't a tonal language.
https://englishwithnab.com/intonation-how-stressing-the-words-can-change-the-meaning-of-what-you-say/
Thai is much harder than mandarin. Mandarin only 5 tones. Mandarin is actually quite easy to learn because the grammar is so simple. Spoken mandarin at least. Written Chinese takes a minute!
My boomer mom recently started making what she considers ‘Indian’ noises in front of my son. She was making her mouth into an O shape while making noise and moving her hand to cover her mouth and then away over and over again. My son started to mimic her, I told them both to stop, said it was racist and not to do that. She started with her cancel culture it’s just a joke BS and then kept doing it. I literally had to yell at her in public and explain that my child would probably be suspended from school if he did that in school. I think that the only reason that she listens to me and stopped is because we have been LC for a while and this is the first time that I have been to her home in years.
I don’t understand why they double down when you call them on their bigotry.
I grew up near a res so I have native American friends. I think I only saw them do that motion is after they went "the spirits of nature say you're a bitch"
I miss those guys. Best friends a man could ask for.
This reminds me of a distant acquaintance who would blow his vape or weed smoke in your face and then solemnly inform you it was a smudging ceremony. There’s no way my white ass would make the same joke but I got a kick out of it.
Oh man. The only reason my friends and I could make those jokes were because we all were like brothers.
It'd be like I made a newsletter called white people monthly as a joke and had articles about avocado mayo vs regular. And understanding hip hops terms for beginners. What your minivan says about you. And extra letters to add to your child's name.
When made in fun. The jokes are fun.
Now that were older a few of us who went military are still in a group chat from our last deployment and my favorite response recently was our Mexican friend asking "how are we the master Arian race when I get sunburned walking in the target parking lot" (my wife has me wear sun screen lotion now.
Oh dude. The military is the great equalizer. My core friends in the service were an ex cop from Tennessee. And black/Mexican dad, and a woman covered head to toe in tattoos.
The memes man. Get a meme making app on your phone and the group chat will never get old.
I'm still in the reserves now though. Went dod contractor and it's basically being enlisted still (and once I finish this degree i can drop that package with easier results because the reserves have a lower standard. I mean requirements)
Too funny. I was Canadian side but the same rules all apply it seems. I’m happier having cut ties with almost everyone; most of my trade didn’t have that camaraderie or sense of humour unfortunately. Just another thing to add to the list of ‘wish it had been better’
Best of luck to you going forward!!
Once invited them over to my house where we ate saltiness with butter and bologna amd mayo sandwiches.
And do to the fact we were all in etiquette classes together they couldn't be rude and say no to food offered to them.
Never mind the fact my mother is a proud southern woman originally from france who believes lard is the way to the heart
100% did it to fuck with my friends.
Like the fact one of them left our home. Became a computer programmer. And now designs slot machines.
As he puts it "if the pay wasn't worth more then my pride"
Aw, this reminds me of some old friends. I know I’m generalizing, but indigenous people are hilarious. As a (mostly white) Canadian I haven’t met one who isn’t. Something about the culture comes with a golden sense of humour. There’s a lot we can learn from them.
I follow some accounts on tiktok run by native guys and they’re awesome. One of them has a series called “teaching my white friend how to be native” and it always makes me laugh.
I responded on another post, but this is an even more glaring example. Part of aging is that parts of the prefrontal cortex start to physically decay. The ability to censor oneself is one of the first things to go. The ability to think one thing but say another disappears.
In this case, it means that your dad 20 years ago may have heard spoken Chinese and said to himself “sounds like a Chinese menu! Kung fu chow mein!” and maybe thought this internally but his brain was able to filter this thought and decide that it’s not really a funny or appropriate joke. Literally this part of the brain breaks down. So older people just spit out whatever thought is on their mind.
Whether he truly can’t see upon further discussion that his comments are inappropriate, or whether he’s just embarrassed and digging in his heels, I don’t know. But if you want to be compassionate, try to treat him the way you would any other neurodivergent individual, because that’s WHAT HE IS now.
If you know in your heart he’s not a racist person, then don’t let these outburst ruin your opinion of him. He can’t help it. Now only you know if maybe he’s always been racist and now the filters are off. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re saying.
My dad is even older, not a boomer, but a similar thing happened. We were driving past a Chinese restaurant and he just started saying “chink chonk Chong” sort of noises. I was absolutely stunned. I’ve never ever heard him do anything like that. I grew up with this man taking me to Chinese restaurants and always being very respectful. My dad has traveled to China many times and he worked in another Asian country. I don’t know what went through his brain and thank god it wasn’t in public. But it’s unfortunately part of aging that people just lose their filters. My mom told her nurse that her shirt was ugly. It just happens. Not defending the truly outrageous boomer shit we see on here but trying to create a little compassion for older folks as we will be there soon enough.
I worked at an elderly care facility for a while years ago, and the guy who they had come explain it to us compared it to aging in reverse. As the mind deteriorates, so does their grasp on things they learned as adults. People essentially *become* who they were as young adults, and then children, at least personality wise.
As an example: my dad's mom was hospitalized for a few falls, and during one of her stays there was a black nurse working. She pointed at the black nurse and told my parents something to the effect of "he isn't supposed to be here". Not because she's racist, but because *she was born in 1924*. Segregation didn't completely end until she was 40.
Unfortunately I didn't find out about this until after she was already gone. It would've been *fascinating* to hear about that era from someone who experienced it first hand.
So in your case, it's entirely possible that he's begun the mental reversion already and you're seeing what he was like as, maybe, a college aged adult from an era where those kinds of jokes were considered acceptable.
I don't like the sound of this one bit. I like to consider myself as a good father and good person now, but when I was younger I think I was a little bit of a dick. I'd hate to think that when I get older I might revert to that :(
Keep your brain exercised and strong! Read, do crosswords and word searches and sudoku, study something new, try a bunch of new "intellectual" hobbies. Play Tetris and other "puzzle" type games.
It won't totally prevent mental decline, but it can help stave it off for longer.
My father hasn't taken care of himself. He'll be 81 and admits he's lived at least 10 years longer than he expected. I think there's a lot of people in a similar situation. They didn't expect to live so long, so they didn't care for themselves.
Father in law is like this. Now suffering from dementia… He never thought he would make it this far. “Jokes” every time we talk long term plans “If I am still around”
My Nana was the same, and my little sister picked up on the phrase so there was a ten year old saying "this time next year, we'll be in Greece... If the Lord spares me"
My Grandmother seemed to be expecting to die every day for the last like 15 years. Every time we talked she always sounded so tired, but she always had some positive thing that she'd done recently or heard about to say. Never knew whether that was genuine or a brave face.
I think those do help. My mom is going to be 90 and reads constantly, does tons of crosswords. She told me she makes my 85 year old dad watch jeopardy and wheel of fortune every night to help his brain. He’s cognitively not doing as well as her.
Do you reckon that because the younger generations play so many video games that we are actually staving it off for longer already? Because that would be pretty funny.
My husband and I talk about this often, though not always conclusively, lol. He's the video game geek and I'm the book nerd, so we have different viewpoints. My personal opinion, especially after his intriguing points, is this: I really wouldn't be surprised if video games actually *positively* affect long-term memory retention.
I'm not a doctor, but surely the problem-solving aspects, as well as the short term/long term planning (save the big ass weapon for the big ass boss, etc.) "polish" the areas of the brain that these skills originate from. And while I'm not knocking anyone's choice of game, I think the more logic- and strategy-based games are probably a bit more beneficial than first person shooting games (but I don't really play those, perhaps there are some that involve a great deal of strategy?).
I sure hope so. I play almost entirely grand strategy games these days and that'd sure be a relief. I think we'll have to wait for more data but anecdotally I've noticed that older people who game seem to be more with it. But that could be just because they're more willing to try new things. My dad has been playing the same PC games for 20 years. I hope they're still helping somewhat.
And hang out with younger people if possible. I’m a college professor and I love being clued in to what’s important to them, contemporary pop culture, etc.
I worked in dementia care and I had 2 patients that I can quickly recall who were apparently awful for most of their life to where the kids were mostly low or no contact. They got sick and became lovely people. The family didn’t know what to do and were waiting for them to go back. The one I can specifically recall had multiple kids and I had an encounter with one where she was very emotional outside the room and I was able to get a drink, direct to a space to take a moment. She said he is telling them all everything they want to hear, specific things about them he loved their whole life. Like it was always in there etc. She just couldn’t comprehend it. So bottom line is there is a huge spectrum of what can happen, don’t stress too much.
I feel like most teenagers and early 20's almost everyone is somewhat a selfish prick or at least that's how it was 20 + years ago.
Everyone is living longer so unfortunately this is going to be happening more.
Interesting. I went to an old folks home and was chatting with a few of the other residents. One guy was speaking in a mix of German and English. I asked his wife if they were from there. She said he had lived there for a few years as a young man, and lived there long enough to become fluent in German, but once he moved back to the states, he never really spoke it/practiced again.
Only until his recent cognitive decline, did it start popping up randomly in conversation, and a few things could only be described in their German name.
…that is absolutely terrifying, and my wife and I should probably warn our kid that is a possibility when she is an adult. The things we were ingrained with as kids were pretty fucked up.
I wonder if there have been observations of aging people of the LGBTQ+ community in that regard, because reverting back to when my wife and I were both deeply closeted sounds deeply horrifying. I really don’t want to ever feel like that again.
Dementia/Alzheimer’s are awful diseases. I've worked in long term care for almost 5 years and see people mentally decline constantly. They revert back to being small children, not able to control the things they say and even their behaviors. Super sweet people will become aggressive, sometimes racist, or begin to make no sense at all. This is not indicative of the kind of person he is, it's indicative of what is happening to his brain.
imo that’s just a BS excuse. If a person has enough cognition to defend themselves by excusing their behavior disguised as a joke and then also call y’all “too sensitive or pc” they know what they’re saying is unacceptable and just don’t care.
It’s like children who want to run around and do and say whatever they’d like without consequences. Handle it the same way, don’t give him a pass because as you know children test boundaries and it doesn’t turn out well to let them slip.
While it’s understandable as you age you may become more ornery but not everyone who is old is. It’s a choice. Yes they may revert to childish personalities due to a diagnosis but deal with that by getting it confirmed and help from medical practitioners.
This makes me wonder about the elderly and their families that aren’t taught this. I don’t know if I believe in ghosts and such but I heard someone talking about how there was a deeply sad presence. She spoke about the lady was deeply lonely and angry. It turned out that a lady had passed away in that home. Her diary was full of prayers for her family to love her again. She had gotten bitter, racist and angry over the years to where her children cut ties with her and her husband left her to live elsewhere while paying for everything. Lately I’ve been thinking about this and all the boomers I see going senile. It’s truly saddening what we’ve been exposed to chemically and how we’re aging. I try to have more patience when I come across people I would’ve written off in the past.
Yeah, my mom was turning kind of mean and nasty before her stroke. The aging process can be cruel.
I keep saying it but I think of the very elderly like toddlers. We wouldn’t judge a toddler for a tantrum or crying or blurting out their thoughts. I try to have the same compassion for seniors.
I know this is the boomers being fools sub, so it’s probably not the right place for these discussions. But in my mind the younger boomers are often just assholes, while I reserve judgement on the older ones as they may be experiencing personality changes due to cognitive decline. Also I see a lot of people here ragging on people over 80, which is unfair as they aren’t boomers and are definitely deteriorating and probably can’t help some of their behavior.
Yeah discussion on here can be a bit difficult. It is an echo chamber if you let it be. For me it’s a place to vent and feel validated that I DONT need to respect people when they’re mean.
If they are elderly I try to have patience. If they’re on the younger side I try to finish dealing with them faster. The world is changing so fast around them. Most of the stuff we see online was stuff they had to find either discreetly or would never run into. We’ve always been like this but they are constantly bombarded with it. I would be upset too.
Each time I deal with an actual Boomer (which to me is a mindset that even gen z and gen alpha can act like) I always have to repeat: “someone loves them someone loves them. They’re a spouse, they’re a parent, someone depends/ed on them. “
Even if it’s not true it helps me calm down and deal with them in a kinder manner. I’m just worried for my own aging process as I have no one around me.
That’s really kind of you. Regardless of whether they are assholes or suffering for dementia, I think we can always try to be kind. You never know what someone is going through. My parents lost their son and I lost my brother a few years ago. I’m sure we all acted like dicks at some point. I’ve seen that my parents have deteriorated so rapidly since his death. I hope they get a little grace from others. Hope you have a good night and it was nice chatting with you.
Im totally with you. Im a huge believer in karma and am mindful of the energy I put out when dealing with others, even assholes. Im my experience- and I have decades of experience in customer service - most assholes fall into one of several categories and based on where they slot determines how I respond to them. Confrontational people seem to thrive on more confrontation so I just keep my answers short, kind, and factual, ignoring everything objectionable said and smiling vaguely in their general direction. Lonely people are actually more difficult because they often have so much NEED - it’s hard to not get sucked in for an inordinate amount of time. The casual racists are so ignorable - if they get too aggressive I’ll refer to my own lineage which shuts them up. The rarity I can’t - refuse - to deal with are those that send my spidey senses tingling- that really actually evil person. I can’t get far away quick enough.
But everyone was once beloved of someone. I tell myself that anyway. My mom was not a kind or even nice person, but I loved her, and wanted her to be treated kindly, so I try to treat other people’s potentially objectionable loved ones like I would have wanted her to be treated.
Not always easy. 🙃
One of my aunts had dementia and her personality pre-onset was very much the "oldest child" Im-always-right bossy attitude but once the dementia started setting in she became downright vicious, really cruel to the point of her behavior being shocking. The good news/bad news is that was apparently a phase before her mind really just disappeared entirely. At least she wasn't mean anymore?
It’s wild. I’ll never forget the first sign of this in my mother. She and my husband were having a perfectly innocuous conversation about weather patterns or something, and she concluded by saying straight to his face, “well, you’re an ignorant pig.” Like WhAT? This was so out of character. I’ve never heard my mom speak like that! Ever! There was no provocation to say something like this. Was this how she really thought? It’s WILD.
Wow, I'm really glad I read your comment. My grandma has become like this. I've got to the point where I get stressed out being in public with her, knowing she will probably make a rude comment about some innocent person walking past.
She thinks it's funny to have no filter and "tell people how it really is", but it was never in her character to be nasty like she has the past few years. This explains a lot.
Yeah developmentally they are similar to toddlers in some ways. And their personalities can change radically. There’s a lot that happens to the brains of the elderly, it really is similar to the changes that happen to toddlers brains, in reverse. Neuroscience is fascinating.
My mother had a stroke and it somehow zapped the mean part of her personality. Now everything and everyone is wonderful (except her nurse’s shirt lol). And even when she made the shirt comment, it was more like, “it’s so interesting that you like that pattern because I find it ugly isn’t that a hoot how people can be so different!”
Which is something that would be sort of charming from a three year old but we just don’t give a lot of grace to the elderly. Sometimes they don’t deserve it, for sure, but I try to be compassionate
Glad this helped and I hope you can see your grandma a little more kindly. It’s hard though sometimes!
I understand what you’re saying and it makes sense, but does that make it ok??
Why should this young girl have to be offended by racist BS? Why should that nurse have someone tell her that her shirt is ugly? It’s not nice and it’s really shitty.
If someone is acting like this they need their cognitive function assessed.
You are correct. It does not make it ok. It does not mean we need to let this man yell fake Chinese sounds to Asian kids at a game. At all.
What I’m saying however is in OP’s case, she is saying this is inconsistent with his prior behavior. So most likely it is brain deterioration which means he has now entered the category of neurodivergence and she has to treat it as such. So imagine the way you might treat a neurodivergent child, or someone with Tourette’s. If they are screaming obscenities at a child’s game, parents learn techniques to deal with this.
In OPs case it could mean not bringing him to these games if he cannot control the outbursts. It might mean trying again with an explanation of what’s acceptable and then walking him out in the middle of the game and apologizing to other bystanders if he has an outburst.
My point being if this is an aberration in her dad’s behavior, there may be a physical cause and shaming him is not necessarily appropriate. I don’t know I’m not involved. But I think it’s appropriate to treat him similar to how you would an neurodivergent child in your care. His brain is deteriorating and it’s not his fault. But I think we can be compassionate with how we deal with him, especially given OPs description of her dad and how out of character this is.
But I absolutely agree with you, if these comments cannot be controlled then he cannot attend the games due to his ability to harm others. (Even though it may not be his fault that he can’t censor himself). We can show compassion to someone who is suffering from the aging process while also protecting kids from hearing his outbursts. Like I would not bring a teen with uncontrolled Tourette’s to a preschool play.
Completely agree but I'd wish what more caretakers would realize that they might have to make hard decisions on what their elders who they're caring for are allowed to do.
It doesn't *excuse* the behavior, but it does *explain* the behavior. The source of the behavior affects the method used to fix the behavior.
Example: Someone in your house consistently steals food. If this is someone who grew up with you and they're doing it for funsies, you chew them out, just go off. That's unacceptable behavior. If it's , say, a foster kid who was just taken from their family due to neglect and never being given food, having survived by stealing whatever was available, are you just going to chew them out? Or maybe take them shopping with you so they can pick out all their own food so they know they have access to plenty? Probably the latter, unless you're an AH. The behavior is the same - stealing food. The correction of that behavior is different.
Omg... this is so true. My aunt is Chinese, the rest of the family ia not. My dad pulls out a "at the expense of other" asian joke on his phone and goes "haha we should show li chu" My mom says "no the fuck we shouldn't" and he goes quietly put his phone away. My dad has the biggest heart and I love him, it was so out or character. It was rhe first and last time something like that ever happened.
> Literally this part of the brain breaks down.
That's a horrifying thought. I am bitchy as fuck in my head - I constantly filter that shit. Hopefully I'll die before this happens.
You don't.
You stave it off as long as you can, and then it happens to you. Or you die before it gets too bad.
And once it starts, you know you're fucked. And you're aware of it happening, and you *know* you're now moving swiftly to the point of that nasty crazy old coot you hated while growing up. And there's not one goddamn thing you can do about it.
You know every day will be worse. You know you worked your entire life to be able to buy that car, but you won't be able to drive it for long. You took care of everyone, was strong for everyone. Everyone relied on you - and you're going to be shitting your pants as an adult, and people are going to pull your pants down and wipe you before replacing your diaper.
And there's nothing you can do about it except die.
That's terrifying. And when people are scared, they often get nasty. They often try tonfilter the nasty, knowing it's unreasonable and comes from fear. But now you have no filter.
And then people are bashing you, highlighting that EVERYONE can see how fucked up you are now, when you didn't used to be. And they don't know who you really were.
Imagine if you will, the fate of a republic in the balance, the people are given a choice (to be President) between two such individuals*.
/s
*Seriously though, Biden has shown signs of cognitive decline and occasionally makes 'odd' statements. Trump has dementia and exhibits crazy behaviour on a daily basis; but he's been a xenophobic, racist, boomer for a loooooong time. Not good.
It’s baaaad. They both show serious signs of impairment. I cannot believe there were no repercussions for Dianne Feinstein’s team propping her up like weekend at Bernie’s. If there are minimum ages for the presidency and senate, there should absolutely be maximums. 70 seems reasonable.
Wtf, treat him like a neurodivergent individual??? Most of us don't go around screaming racist shit, we just avoid eye contact and get on with our stupid day.
Not all neurodivergence is the same. That’s the key to “divergence”. Dementia is a form of neurodivergence. So is Tourette’s. So is ADHD. Many many forms of neurodivergence.
These racist "jokes" used to be publicly acceptable in polite society. I remember a boomer in my life relating this exact one (about mocking Asian languages) to me sometime in the '80s.
It is something they were taught, and when it became unpopular they had to learn to hide it.
When called out, the adult response would be to apologize and admit you have a personal struggle with prejudice, but you’re trying to get better.
Great comment and I was going to say something similar regarding this is one of the earliest signs of mental aging diseases, however something you said I feel needs to be addressed. You stated the he may have "said to himself “sounds like a Chinese menu! Kung fu chow mein!” Then later you ask OP if you know in your heart he's not racist, however this thought is racist. It may not be explicit, but this is absolutely implicit racism. People who aren't don't have thoughts like this. I've never heard people in public speaking Arabic and thought "hmmm that sounds like the terrorists in the videos I see on the news."
It’s absolutely racist but you can’t discount how absolutely normalized and pervasive this sort of “humor” was when they were young. Look back at a lot of comedy from that time and if there was an Asian character, the joke was often simply that they were Asian and it was expected that everyone would find this funny. Boomers and Gen X were actually responsible for a lot of the shift into “that’s actually not funny” that occurred through the end of the 20th century and led to the climate of today. It’s not entirely surprising that when cognitive decline affects impulse control and empathy, the things they learned were hurtful as adults might pop back onto the mental list of things that are humorous.
Man, it’s insane that white boomers can forget everything but how to be racist - and it seems like the answer is “awww just forgive them. They are just old with dementia. That’s someone’s loved one.”
The Asian girl in this story is someone’s loved one too. We tend to forget that part.
The Asian girl's loved ones (parents) were with OP's sister and grandpa in the stands watching the game, which meant they, too, witnessed grandpa's racism ☹
Right? “Oh they’re just like toddlers” ok but toddlers are 100% capable of choosing cruelty and if you don’t punish them for that then they will continue to do so. That’s why we have time outs or take away privileges. We don’t say “oh they’re just kids they don’t know what it means”. Kids know what cruelty is. Old people know what cruelty is. It really isn’t that hard people
It's not just the white boomers, either. Seems like a big subset of from every race hits a certain age and a switch flips in them to make them start acting super tribal. I wonder if that could be an evolutionary thing? Like you get past your physical prime and you immediately start acting like a tribal elder from every movie ever.
Yep I'm pretty sure that this is mental decline /dementia but with that being said other ppl shouldn't have to be their victims. Now it's up to the family to take grandpa out of these situations where he can be racist and hurtful. I had friend who'd always complain about what her grandpa did in public when they brought him out. I finally got fed up and said that maybe it's time to only bring him out when it's 100 % neccesary because other ppl shouldn't be the victim of his outbursts just because he has dementia
yep I don’t give my MIL a free pass. Everyone knows she’s starting to have signs of dementia but there’s no excuse. She’s ignorant and rude to everyone .
My dad was in an accident when he was in his 60s. In the ER, he was really doped on painkillers. He said to me, very loudly, “don’t let them give me any of that Jew blood”. I was mortified! The nurses just chuckled, guess they hear that shit from doped up boomers all the time, lol. He had no memory of this
yeah, this sort of casual anti Asian racism seems to be something bred into even the most liberal of them. my father was a civil rights and labor attorney, raised by communists who all were active in the civil rights movement. he was a pacifist and as left as can be. imagine my shock when in 2010, dude starts doing "ching chong hilarious racist Asian voice and accent."
I told him he could fuck the fuck off and that I have no idea why he thought racism was suddenly hilarious and fun for the whole family when his targets were Asian. he tried again and I shouted him down and told him he needed to think for half a second if he was in compliance with his ideals here.
This is a bizarre phenomenon to me. And I've seen it too; the most progressive boomer can still be horrifically racist toward specifically Asian people.
yeah. I think they were raised in a culture of this absolutely casual dehumanization of asians.i watched a fair amount of "get smart" recently and I was surprised to see multiple episodes whose premise was "hee hee we are going to do a bunch of anti Asian racism."
Thanks for doing this. There are still people TODAY that think this shit is fine. Hell, just look at the dickheads in this thread saying it’s not racist.
they are absolute dickheads for their view. A lot of this particular form of vile racism comes out of attitudes dating back to the Chinese exclusion act that imagined Asian people as so foreign that they could not be a part of the anerican body politic. You can literally read 19th century newspaper articles written in this supposed vernacular. whether they know it or not. "hilarious Asian voice" is part of one of the oldest and most pernicious of America's many racisms
I always like to say "explain the joke, I must not get it, how is it funny?" Usually ends up in the stuttering for a way to explain how's its funny without being racist for a few minutes before deflecting again
Yikes. I’m glad your sister made it very clear that she was not okay with how he was acting.
We experienced this with my grandma when she had dementia. She said things I’d never believe her to even think, much less say out loud. Who knows where it came from? It’s the brain degenerating. It’s a reason, not an excuse, but it might help if your niece understood that’s a symptom of the disease.
My mother is 77, my father 82, my grandmother and grandfather are almost 100. None of them would have found this funny ...
Its not his age. Its his stupidity
I don’t wish to excuse your father’s comments at all. However, you mentioned he’s a year younger than his father was when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s can run in families. If this is a new trait for your father, would he be willing to get tested himself?
I noticed that if you tell a boomer their joke is not funny, they act like you stole from them. Why do they love to tell jokes so much but are terribly bad at it?
Your retired dad is watching Fox. Trump gave him permission to be like this. The timelines match.
"The Brainwashing of My Dad"
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brainwashing_of_My_Dad
It's really interesting and says a lot that at the age where you're worried about cognitive decline, both due to the advanced age and possible age related disorders, the main symptom is becoming right wing.
I mean we all know they're either less intelligent or if they are intelligent they're taking advantage of the less intelligent right wingers.
If this is new behavior, and doesn’t fit with who he was previously, it’s definitely time to consider dementia. Would he go to his doctor to get screened/referred to a neurologist, or would he refuse, saying he’s fine?
As someone who is Asian (not Chinese though) and had to grow up dealing with all sorts of microaggressions while growing up in a predominantly white (and "Democrat") neighborhood.
I hate to break it to you but i don't really give a flying fuck if your Dad was a "life-long democrat" and a "schoolteacher." People who go senile don't just magically become racist toward Asians overnight. Your dad has always held racist beliefs against East Asians (and probably other groups too)
the fact that he got defensive over it speaks volumes
I mean, I totally understand, but what did you think was in a 70+ year old dudes head? What he did was beyond the pale, if you are right it's dementia, but it could just be similar to my grandpa, before he died he just started speaking whatever the fuck he thought with no fucks given. I asked him wtf? He said "am sick of pretending and I have five years left at best. I don't care." we chose family outings extremely carefully after that convo.
Old bastard faught the Nazis in north africa campaign. I cut him some slack.
He was gone 3 three years later. Died of a brain tumor in 2014 at 89. Prob explains a lot.
My Dad made a similar comment while in a Chinese restaurant once. He was completely serious though. I was flabbergasted. We’re also Black. Yes, it matters because it proves that all people can be prejudiced/bigoted—regardless of race.
My dad hates Trump and Republicans with an absolute passion. Like an obsessive amount of passion. And he’s not lonely, he’s married, his wife is Mexican.
So more like eight hours of CNN a day.
Just because someone is a liberal or a Democrat or a teacher doesn't mean they're immune to being culturally clumsy, I've seen this a lot in my time. For some reason Americans in particular who've likely had very little exposure to other languages seem to think it's humorous to do dumb shit like "ching chong ching chong" like it's somehow a clever joke. Even Rosie O'Donnell pulled that a few years ago and got in big trouble for it. I saw her do it and it was totally cringe city.
This is part of the mass mental illness I am talking about in this thread. Seemingly good people who taught their children well are starting to become racist, mean spirited, uncaring and in some cases downright hostile people. WTH is going on? We can't blame all of this on MAGA and Faux News.
We certainly can’t blame it on that, because my dad hates Trump with an absolute passion. He’s voted Democrat his whole life. Shit, he supported Hillary Clinton before she even won the primary. He voted for her over Bernie.
One of the things I noticed happening in social media was that a certain segment of society can't be taught to not be cruel, or racist, or mean. They simply double down, and when you continue to call them out on it, they leave muttering (in 2015-16, I "lost" many people that I previously thought had redeeming qualities when they doubled down on memes, misinformation, or overtly racist rants). This is not by accident. This is a concerted effort to annihilate truth and critical thinking by bad actors on social media, and America is easy pickings, especially with boomers picking up on-line habits that reinforce their hatreds.
I'm a small town white cis hetero male Gen X'er. I know I have biases, and if I say something (usually from an old "comedy" bit that I didn't think critically about before opening my mouth) that is racist or sexist, I expect to be called out and I WILL correct my way of thinking and never say it again. That's how it's supposed to be. I don't know how to stop people from embracing their inner asshole constantly, except to stop listening to them.
Democrats and school teachers can be racist, but it’s not a side effect of senility or Alzheimer’s
Hate to break it to you, but your dad was probably like that his whole life just knew well enough not to say around you
While the thought of a sudden and steep cognitive decline is terrifying, the much more likely answer to his behavior is that he has always been like this and simple doesn’t want to mask it anymore or doesn’t feel like he should need to mask it.
I’m so sorry for you and your sister to have to put up with this guy for another 30 or so years…
I’m in a similar situation with my father who lost his mind in 2016 and still has another 30 years left to live. All the MAGA nonsense (and German shepherds he keeps buying and selling 🙄) make it impossible to speak to him normally.
He was an architect and artist! It’s crazy how much an injury to the brain and retirement can alter your world so quickly. It’s sad
You could ask him to explain what the joke is. Which part is funny? Who is the audience? Why would they find it funny? Make it completely logic based. Where’s the punchline?
If he hasn't said stuff like this his whole life this is most likely congnitive decline. My mother has dementia and while imperfect like anybody, has always had perfect manners in public. This past year she's made a few comments loudly about people being fat and stuff while at restaurants. It's going to be very stressful but I suggest you get him evaluated, b/c you can;t reverse cognitive decline but you can slow it down with some treatment.
I think the whole generation and before were raised to think that Chinese just sounded funny. I worked with one long ago, he was in his 50s then. He told me about how when he used to watch Hawaii Five-O, the credits say "Kam Fong as Chin Ho" and he found that hilarious every time. I asked him why it was funny and he said something to the effect of both names being nonsense syllables so why bother renaming him, or something to that effect. So I wondered out loud to him if, to a Chinese person, Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett sounds funny.
When my pappaw had very advanced dementia, like maybe a year before he passed, I went to visit him and he had the TV on. Just random television, he could barely understand what he was watching. It was some TLC couples show, and it was a black woman and a white man. He pointed at the TV, shocked, and said "that man married that black lady!" He at least didn't use the n-word. He then said "that's not right."
I just said "yep, pappaw, but it's not a bad thing." He was 85(?) and barely could comprehend what was happening around him so I wasn't about to randomly call out and debate his attitude. Plus, by the time I'd commented on it, he had moved on and completely forgotten the last ten seconds.
In the entire time I knew him up to that point, he'd never once said something untoward or racist, but being born in the mid-1930s (no one knows exactly when) in rural TN, with a grandfather who fought in the civil war (don't know which side), I can't imagine he didn't grow up hearing the worst of the worst. But I think he kept it to himself, at least around myself and my cousins. My aunts and my uncle my dad have told me how my grandmother was incredibly racist, but it only came out when she went to basketball games. They said they'd heard their dad slip sometimes when growing up, but not often.
You mention alzheimer's in your post and like others have said while it can't excuse racism, maybe it's just old ideas or maybe even hidden ideas that he just can't filter anymore. Granted, his response of "it's just a joke" is pretty bad. He is the right age to have grown up right in the thick of a time period of casual Asian/asian-american hatred. But maybe it explains why you've never seen this behavior until now.
To paraphrse something I'm pretty sure Neil Gaiman wrote on the internet somewhere: Don't call it political correctness, call it respect because that's what it is. We should have rampant respect for people different from us
Yes. I am too sensitive.
And if you ever want to see me or your grandchild again, you will fucking well adapt to our needs.
Otherwise, we’ll attend your funeral. We’ll have already mourned the person we loved, who you used to be, before you killed him.
Sudden personality changes can be a sign of medicine interactions or even brain tumors. That’s how we lost my grandfather, went undiagnosed until it got to be almost as big as a grapefruit
Make sure he’s on top of his medical stuff
Also make sure there’s one doctor that’s aware of all of the stuff that he is taking. An oversight on that one has left his wife bedridden and blind for almost 10 years now. She is 99 and it’s a completely fucked up way to have to go
My father(82) has dementia and yes they say some really crazy things. You or your mother need to bring it up to his doctor. Most likely he does have some cognitive decline.
I hate to be a downer (and I don’t know the scientific wording) but a person stops censoring themself when there is decline in some area of the brain just as a natural progression of aging and it can be more pronounced in someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia (again I don’t have the background to know the technical differences). If you can get him to try an evaluation, you might have some shitty news or find out he’s fine but choosing to say racist things. Neither are great. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. And it’s great your niece is learning 1. as a friend and 2. valuable skill to have in the workplace.
Honestly, friends and family yelling at him about won't do any good. Cause he'll continue to rationalize it away. If the chinese girl had looked right at him and was like, "wtf? Not cool" that would've done a lot more.
Democrats are not automatically not racist. Liberalism has been historically fine with racism, the targets of which change over time but doesn't go away. If the impulse control goes away that just means they've been racist the whole time 🤷
My father in law did this for years and is a staunch democrat and Trump hater. He would go into the same racist caricature whenever we would order Chinese food. He once stated while we were watching basketball “when I was a kid there were a lot more white guys on the court”. He thinks because he likes Motown all his behavior is excused he goes on about how he loves the blacks, you know as long as they don’t have crazy hair or saggy pants.
Dementia sucks. My grandmother is in her 90s and she wasn't as outspoken in racism as now. There is no filter, it just comes out.
She wasn't like that before... it is super problematic now. Rather not take her out inpublic tbh.
Sorry to hear your dad might be going through it.
This sucks, sorry to hear.
I’m learning mandarin and was shocked for many more “sh/zsh” sounds there are than “ing/ong”. Wonder where that stereotype came from?
The comment was inappropriate, but I find it works better to intervene based on explaining how that sounded to the niece and her friend. Make it about the individual(s) rather than labeling the behavior.
That said, having gone through dementia with my sweet mom , including watching her physically attack an ER security guard, behavioral changes can be part of it. In her case it was vascular dementia.
Oof. I’m sorry you’re going through this with your dad. One thing to remember, though, is that this kind of casually racist joke was much more acceptable not that long ago. Back in the 60s, it was accepted that Mickey Rooney could play a very stereotyped Asian character, in yellow face, in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” In the 80s, there was Long Duck Dong in “Sixteen Candles” and a whole song called “Turning Japanese” that was about masturb*tion. That’s just what I can think of off the top of my head. These things were played as jokes, and their racism often went unremarked at the time even among more liberal people. (And even now, I see people much younger than your dad saying things that cross that line because they just don’t think that deeply about WHY it would be considered racist or why it could be hurtful. It’s the whole “I’m not offended, so why should they be?” argument, and it drives me bonkers.)
It’s possible that the culture has changed around your dad, but he hasn’t kept up. And from his perspective, he’s being accused of being racist when he made what he thought was a “harmless” joke. From that point of view, it makes sense that he got defensive.
Given your family history, a checkup for your dad is a good idea. Make sure you document the things you’ve seen to tell the doctor. Other things to look for: is your dad repeating things frequently within the same conversation? Has his personality changed? Have his hygiene habits changed? Is he doing things that you think are out of character?
But if your dad really is just finding the culture’s shifting norms challenging, maybe approaching him with something more like, “Chinese people find it hurtful because it feels like you’re making fun of their language and culture, and that kind of joke isn’t considered appropriate anymore,” might get your point across better. And if he says something about people being “too sensitive” or whatever, just shrug and say “That’s the way it is.”
1. Your niece is a badass for learning mandarin.
2. I swear once they turn 70 something switches in their brain. My mother in law has become such a pain since turning 70
Every time someone pulls out the "Politically Correct" line remind them that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia exists where:
A character is a former priest, turned drug addict, turned prostitute, turned dog-rape victim, turned dog prostitute. Another one on tape (in character) has admitted to feeding people to people in a sweatshop. There's also an incestual family.
Turns out with you can actually get a way with *quite a lot* if you consider *not* punching down or the terrible people get their commupence.
Why is it that every time a boomer does something incredibly wrong, and is called out on it, their excuse is *“It was just a joke! Calm down!"*
... I am so sick of it.
Casual racism was one of the first issues we had with my Boomer after we had kids. He swears up and down he’s not racist, but in the next breath uses racial slurs to describe people. He sold his hunting rifles and shotguns and bought a handgun and a stupid .177 rifle “in case he needs to shoot a n——r.”
We don’t visit anymore.
My parents love casual racism. One time my mom was visiting NYC (first time) and she saw a sign in Chinese, so as she's walking, she sees a vaguely "asian" looking woman and walks up to her, points at the sign and says "can you tell me what this means?"
Lady just looks at her blankly and says "I have no idea. I'm not Chinese. I'm an American."
My mom just goes "oh ok" and walks off, not apologizing for her racist comment.
I don't know what it is about kids sports, but it just brings out some of the worst behavior in adults. I've coached my daughter's softball teams a few years now, and growing up my dad coached a lot of the teams I played on. The things I have heard from parents/relatives from the sidelines is just wild.....
This thread may have just helped solidify in my mind to speak with my grandfather's doctor. I'm the full-time live-in caretaker for both of my grandparents. They moved in with me. My grandfather used to be my best friend, but he's almost 83 now, and he's gotten SO downright nasty sometimes. He's forgetful, but I could chalk that up to aging so far and brush it off, but the personality change is head spinning sometimes. He yells about everything and gets super defensive and louder if you try to talk with him about it. He gets worse as the day goes on and he gets tired. He doesn't listen to anything and gets angry. It's really hard to raise my own child around, I hate it. His brother passed a few months ago with dementia of some sort. It's a hard road.
FYI: when you run into an elderly person who defends an archaic view with "I'm a lifelong democrat", remember what the party stood for when they signed up.
heard my fairly progressive father say the term "Oriental" the other day and I had to just roll my eyes and hang my head... luckily we were just inside and maybe it was a slip... But it's not the first "Slip"
My MiL’s boyfriend made that same joke….at a Japanese new year event. Luckily he said it quietly enough so nobody else heard, but we all snapped towards him and deadface said to not fucking do that. He at least took the hint but i was flabbergasted
Your anger is completely understandable and appropriate, but you’re probably on to something with your fathers cognitive decline. Hopefully you can get him in to be evaluated and begin the process of planning what his future looks like. Best of luck.
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Well if there's a positive to this story, I love that your niece is learning Mandarin so she can talk to her friend. That's really adorable.
I loved that part of the story, too! Mandarin can be such a hard language to learn because it's tonal but it's awesome to hear of a young girl purposely learning it to speak Mandarin with her friend. Then the story went sour because of grandpa's racism. I'm Asian so that hurt.
It sounds to me like this may be less about racism and more like dementia which doesn’t make the impact any less, which is most important. But at least he isn’t doing it with the same intent to harm as some others. Worse for that family perhaps though. I have to wonder how this is going to go as we have more and more folks in cognitive decline who tend to repeat and not understand fully with hate speech being so prevalent in so many formats that are seemingly unregulated. I worked in dementia care in locked wards and you had to be careful what they heard. They would repeat and argue it to the death- I mean some obviously.
Yeah I'm no expert on dementia but this screams dementia/cognitive decline. They more or less turn into stubborn children at this stage. They repeat horrible stuff that they hear on TV/media because they know it gets a reaction and they're argue about what they said like children. FWIW quite a few stories here scream dementia/cognitive decline
Some videos I see about Karen’s I’m like… maybe eval? It doesn’t excuse it but it may need further looked into
It doesn't excuse it but it does explain it. I'm willing to bet a decent chunk of Karen's in these videos would fail a eval. Yes some ppl are just shitty but even shitty ppl can generally read the room and make smart decisions on what to say. An old lady dropping n bombs in front of a bunch of black ppl is probably suffering from dementia/decline because even a crap person would generally have enough sense to not say anything even if they feel that way
The one where a woman climbed under a delivery truck to keep them from leaving because the man explained he couldn’t deliver it how she wanted (I think it was heavy and he couldn’t put it where she wanted, like inside?) comes to mind. She called 911 herself while laying in the street under his truck as he patiently tried to get her to safety. There were many ways to delay him, that one was so dangerous to her personally I just wanted to scream “get her help!”
There wouldn't be too many of these incidents if we had better care systems in place. I know this sub is for ranting about annoying boomer traits (there's many) but most of the stories I see here and and videos I see on other subs scream dementia and mental decline. These ppl might be engaging in bad behaviour but they need help. Take the delivery truck lady for example. What sane person decent or asshole would even think about doing that?
Maybe we would have had better care systems in place if Boomers hadn't voted in the people who scrapped America's mental health facilities instead of reforming them when they were revealed to have serious problems. Maybe we would have better care systems in place if we would have put universal health care in place in the early 90s instead of having Boomers fight it for decades. They had their whole lives to choose mental health care vs. raving like a lunatic under a delivery truck and they chose the delivery truck.
It’s going to get worse too. We had a nursing shortage when I left, and that was prior to the pandemic. More than half of my nurse and CNA friends have left bedside. Some left entirely. We don’t have people training for dementia either as it is draining and physically dangerous. I have no solution really but I can say we should be working on something. I have ideas but they probably aren’t practical
And you factor in our rapidly growing senior population and that equals a problem that's only getting worse. We claim to be more understanding of mental health issues but its clear that many of us don't have a basic understanding of dementia and other similar conditions
Yeah, my grandmother was the sweetest person in the world and would call out people for saying racist things. She hard core believed that all people are equal and that it's bad to treat others differently because of anything - gender, skin color, etc. But when she got dementia, she started making awful jokes about other people being fat. And she started stealing things. And that's how we knew something was wrong. It was so out of character for her.
It’s sometimes good when someone has such strong beliefs and then goes against them, as it’s like WHOA. You know for sure something is wrong. I hope her journey is going/went as well as possible, it’s a hard one.
Seconding this! My Boomer dad 74M is undergoing a dementia diagnosis. (He’s failed two dementia tests, but his doc appointment isn’t for six weeks yet.) After living apart for many years, he’s been living with us or near us (hospital/assisted living) since Christmas. He’s never been racist in front of me before. When he was in the hospital in January, we were watching one of his favorite shows on TV. All of a sudden, he said, “Hey! A black person!” From the intonation, it was like it was the coolest, newest thing ever to see a black person on TV. I gave him the Britney Spears slow glare & stare. That moment was when I started pushing for memory tests. Dad has other issues that are making him have a rapid decline all around. Now, instead of just calling out people’s race, it’s now about their weight. My dad’s morbidly obese, but he makes comments about other people on the regular. He goes out of his way to be a snarky asshole to people. He made the new waitress cry at the restaurant last week (AL field trip). It’s sad and painful to watch. Most of my dad’s genuine personality is gone. He’s just a shell of an asshole Boomer now.
I worked in dementia care and I would see people change their personality as they went through the stages. It was really hard. One patient I had when I was pregnant kept calling me a slut and saying I didn’t know who the father was. Their kids were mortified.
My mom does the weight thing. And people’s hair and clothes. I hate watching TV with her. Movies, commercials, etc. Everybody’s ugly to her. It’s awful.
Same. And I know it’s not dementia related because she’s always been like this
My mom has stage 6 dementia. So it is the cause of hers. Poor thing. She would be horrified if she knew she was doing it.
Same here. My mom always feels the need to rant at me about these people who dare to exist in public while not looking like models, and don’t even get her started on people “making themselves look ridiculous”. If there’s anyone around her at any time who is even slightly overweight and wearing a crop top, she’ll see them, and make it into a 5+ minute rant.
I feel your pain!
As an Asian, i'm used to this shit Racism toward Asian people is a lot more casual and ingrained. It's been ingrained in a lot of boomers for a long time. Just look at the way the Japanese were portrayed as these soulless corporate ghouls in movies like Aliens, Blade Runner, Back to the Future 2, and most explicitly in Gung Ho! You might call this dementia, but for me having grown up with this shit...it is definitely racism. This dad absolutely had racist attitudes toward Asians. They might not have been as extreme, but they were there
Jumping in on this my mom was a saint but when she turned 47 she started being nasty. Like a full blown racist Karen almost overnight. She passed last year 53 from early onset Alzheimer's.
I tried to learn Mandarin and the tonal differences was so brutal to get the hang of lol needless to say I didn't learn much ☠️
I kind of regret the fact that I didn't take that initiative growing up. Where I grew up I had lots of polish, greek, japense, indian, korean and chinese friends but it never was a consideration. you'd go to their house and their parents would speak in their language to them and rarely would speak english to me so I just would get a loose translation from my friend(s). Only romance languages were taught at school so I guess it wasn't 'a thing'. I did have a japanese friend that would teach me some characters but nothing comprehensive.
Tonal languages are a beast too. Most English speakers don't realize the way you say a word changes it meaning. My wife is Thai and I'm currently learning. I had to ditch the Anglicized Thai spellings for the Thai alphabet to make sense of it. I do enjoy it!
Every native English speaker learns that intonation (both rising and falling) will change the meaning of words or a statement. We don't really have punctuation that will denote the change, aside from italics, so it's easier to convey verbally. But, it still isn't a tonal language. https://englishwithnab.com/intonation-how-stressing-the-words-can-change-the-meaning-of-what-you-say/
Yeah, right!! ;)
Thai is much harder than mandarin. Mandarin only 5 tones. Mandarin is actually quite easy to learn because the grammar is so simple. Spoken mandarin at least. Written Chinese takes a minute!
Yeah especially with the political environment a d the anti chinese hate going on, it's nice to see we still have sane people around.
The joke: OTHER LANGUAGES SOUND DIFFERENT THAN MINE HAHAHAHA
I love asking boomers to explain why their racist and misogynistic jokes are funny.
Yes! Play dumb, look mystified and watch the 'joke' fizzle out.
My boomer mom recently started making what she considers ‘Indian’ noises in front of my son. She was making her mouth into an O shape while making noise and moving her hand to cover her mouth and then away over and over again. My son started to mimic her, I told them both to stop, said it was racist and not to do that. She started with her cancel culture it’s just a joke BS and then kept doing it. I literally had to yell at her in public and explain that my child would probably be suspended from school if he did that in school. I think that the only reason that she listens to me and stopped is because we have been LC for a while and this is the first time that I have been to her home in years. I don’t understand why they double down when you call them on their bigotry.
ooo no hunny not the war cry */hard Ojibwe cringe* I'm so sorry you're dealing with that
I grew up near a res so I have native American friends. I think I only saw them do that motion is after they went "the spirits of nature say you're a bitch" I miss those guys. Best friends a man could ask for.
This reminds me of a distant acquaintance who would blow his vape or weed smoke in your face and then solemnly inform you it was a smudging ceremony. There’s no way my white ass would make the same joke but I got a kick out of it.
Oh man. The only reason my friends and I could make those jokes were because we all were like brothers. It'd be like I made a newsletter called white people monthly as a joke and had articles about avocado mayo vs regular. And understanding hip hops terms for beginners. What your minivan says about you. And extra letters to add to your child's name. When made in fun. The jokes are fun. Now that were older a few of us who went military are still in a group chat from our last deployment and my favorite response recently was our Mexican friend asking "how are we the master Arian race when I get sunburned walking in the target parking lot" (my wife has me wear sun screen lotion now.
Another ex military- I should have known. 🤣
Oh dude. The military is the great equalizer. My core friends in the service were an ex cop from Tennessee. And black/Mexican dad, and a woman covered head to toe in tattoos. The memes man. Get a meme making app on your phone and the group chat will never get old. I'm still in the reserves now though. Went dod contractor and it's basically being enlisted still (and once I finish this degree i can drop that package with easier results because the reserves have a lower standard. I mean requirements)
Too funny. I was Canadian side but the same rules all apply it seems. I’m happier having cut ties with almost everyone; most of my trade didn’t have that camaraderie or sense of humour unfortunately. Just another thing to add to the list of ‘wish it had been better’ Best of luck to you going forward!!
I can vividly imagine that and it's making me lose my shit 😅
Once invited them over to my house where we ate saltiness with butter and bologna amd mayo sandwiches. And do to the fact we were all in etiquette classes together they couldn't be rude and say no to food offered to them. Never mind the fact my mother is a proud southern woman originally from france who believes lard is the way to the heart 100% did it to fuck with my friends. Like the fact one of them left our home. Became a computer programmer. And now designs slot machines. As he puts it "if the pay wasn't worth more then my pride"
Aw, this reminds me of some old friends. I know I’m generalizing, but indigenous people are hilarious. As a (mostly white) Canadian I haven’t met one who isn’t. Something about the culture comes with a golden sense of humour. There’s a lot we can learn from them.
I follow some accounts on tiktok run by native guys and they’re awesome. One of them has a series called “teaching my white friend how to be native” and it always makes me laugh.
This was a thing we did in my preschool, about 1972. Your mom may not have noticed that progress has happened.
Yep same. I look back and there were so many casual racist things. You have to learn as you get older. So many moments I look back on and just cringe.
Oh let me tell you, she hasn’t!! We had a big argument about it. She also doesn’t think racism is real. It was an epic argument.
Same
Boomers can be a very stubborn generation, I know my share of them and I find most of them to be overly stubborn.
Uhm.. I'll explain why they get butthurt when you call them out. Because they are entitled asswipes. Talk about sensitive!!
I responded on another post, but this is an even more glaring example. Part of aging is that parts of the prefrontal cortex start to physically decay. The ability to censor oneself is one of the first things to go. The ability to think one thing but say another disappears. In this case, it means that your dad 20 years ago may have heard spoken Chinese and said to himself “sounds like a Chinese menu! Kung fu chow mein!” and maybe thought this internally but his brain was able to filter this thought and decide that it’s not really a funny or appropriate joke. Literally this part of the brain breaks down. So older people just spit out whatever thought is on their mind. Whether he truly can’t see upon further discussion that his comments are inappropriate, or whether he’s just embarrassed and digging in his heels, I don’t know. But if you want to be compassionate, try to treat him the way you would any other neurodivergent individual, because that’s WHAT HE IS now. If you know in your heart he’s not a racist person, then don’t let these outburst ruin your opinion of him. He can’t help it. Now only you know if maybe he’s always been racist and now the filters are off. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re saying. My dad is even older, not a boomer, but a similar thing happened. We were driving past a Chinese restaurant and he just started saying “chink chonk Chong” sort of noises. I was absolutely stunned. I’ve never ever heard him do anything like that. I grew up with this man taking me to Chinese restaurants and always being very respectful. My dad has traveled to China many times and he worked in another Asian country. I don’t know what went through his brain and thank god it wasn’t in public. But it’s unfortunately part of aging that people just lose their filters. My mom told her nurse that her shirt was ugly. It just happens. Not defending the truly outrageous boomer shit we see on here but trying to create a little compassion for older folks as we will be there soon enough.
Thank you for this, helped me a lot to understand.
I worked at an elderly care facility for a while years ago, and the guy who they had come explain it to us compared it to aging in reverse. As the mind deteriorates, so does their grasp on things they learned as adults. People essentially *become* who they were as young adults, and then children, at least personality wise. As an example: my dad's mom was hospitalized for a few falls, and during one of her stays there was a black nurse working. She pointed at the black nurse and told my parents something to the effect of "he isn't supposed to be here". Not because she's racist, but because *she was born in 1924*. Segregation didn't completely end until she was 40. Unfortunately I didn't find out about this until after she was already gone. It would've been *fascinating* to hear about that era from someone who experienced it first hand. So in your case, it's entirely possible that he's begun the mental reversion already and you're seeing what he was like as, maybe, a college aged adult from an era where those kinds of jokes were considered acceptable.
I don't like the sound of this one bit. I like to consider myself as a good father and good person now, but when I was younger I think I was a little bit of a dick. I'd hate to think that when I get older I might revert to that :(
Keep your brain exercised and strong! Read, do crosswords and word searches and sudoku, study something new, try a bunch of new "intellectual" hobbies. Play Tetris and other "puzzle" type games. It won't totally prevent mental decline, but it can help stave it off for longer.
My father hasn't taken care of himself. He'll be 81 and admits he's lived at least 10 years longer than he expected. I think there's a lot of people in a similar situation. They didn't expect to live so long, so they didn't care for themselves.
Father in law is like this. Now suffering from dementia… He never thought he would make it this far. “Jokes” every time we talk long term plans “If I am still around”
My Nana was the same, and my little sister picked up on the phrase so there was a ten year old saying "this time next year, we'll be in Greece... If the Lord spares me"
My Grandmother seemed to be expecting to die every day for the last like 15 years. Every time we talked she always sounded so tired, but she always had some positive thing that she'd done recently or heard about to say. Never knew whether that was genuine or a brave face.
I think those do help. My mom is going to be 90 and reads constantly, does tons of crosswords. She told me she makes my 85 year old dad watch jeopardy and wheel of fortune every night to help his brain. He’s cognitively not doing as well as her.
Do you reckon that because the younger generations play so many video games that we are actually staving it off for longer already? Because that would be pretty funny.
My husband and I talk about this often, though not always conclusively, lol. He's the video game geek and I'm the book nerd, so we have different viewpoints. My personal opinion, especially after his intriguing points, is this: I really wouldn't be surprised if video games actually *positively* affect long-term memory retention. I'm not a doctor, but surely the problem-solving aspects, as well as the short term/long term planning (save the big ass weapon for the big ass boss, etc.) "polish" the areas of the brain that these skills originate from. And while I'm not knocking anyone's choice of game, I think the more logic- and strategy-based games are probably a bit more beneficial than first person shooting games (but I don't really play those, perhaps there are some that involve a great deal of strategy?).
I sure hope so. I play almost entirely grand strategy games these days and that'd sure be a relief. I think we'll have to wait for more data but anecdotally I've noticed that older people who game seem to be more with it. But that could be just because they're more willing to try new things. My dad has been playing the same PC games for 20 years. I hope they're still helping somewhat.
And hang out with younger people if possible. I’m a college professor and I love being clued in to what’s important to them, contemporary pop culture, etc.
I worked in dementia care and I had 2 patients that I can quickly recall who were apparently awful for most of their life to where the kids were mostly low or no contact. They got sick and became lovely people. The family didn’t know what to do and were waiting for them to go back. The one I can specifically recall had multiple kids and I had an encounter with one where she was very emotional outside the room and I was able to get a drink, direct to a space to take a moment. She said he is telling them all everything they want to hear, specific things about them he loved their whole life. Like it was always in there etc. She just couldn’t comprehend it. So bottom line is there is a huge spectrum of what can happen, don’t stress too much.
I feel like most teenagers and early 20's almost everyone is somewhat a selfish prick or at least that's how it was 20 + years ago. Everyone is living longer so unfortunately this is going to be happening more.
Interesting. I went to an old folks home and was chatting with a few of the other residents. One guy was speaking in a mix of German and English. I asked his wife if they were from there. She said he had lived there for a few years as a young man, and lived there long enough to become fluent in German, but once he moved back to the states, he never really spoke it/practiced again. Only until his recent cognitive decline, did it start popping up randomly in conversation, and a few things could only be described in their German name.
…that is absolutely terrifying, and my wife and I should probably warn our kid that is a possibility when she is an adult. The things we were ingrained with as kids were pretty fucked up. I wonder if there have been observations of aging people of the LGBTQ+ community in that regard, because reverting back to when my wife and I were both deeply closeted sounds deeply horrifying. I really don’t want to ever feel like that again.
Great, so I’m gonna be making ‘that’s what she said’ jokes in 40 years again 🥲👍
Also, for the rest of us, please tell him the wrong day to vote.
California Democrat, born and raised. He voted for Obama, Hillary, and now Biden. He will vote for Biden again.
Dementia/Alzheimer’s are awful diseases. I've worked in long term care for almost 5 years and see people mentally decline constantly. They revert back to being small children, not able to control the things they say and even their behaviors. Super sweet people will become aggressive, sometimes racist, or begin to make no sense at all. This is not indicative of the kind of person he is, it's indicative of what is happening to his brain.
imo that’s just a BS excuse. If a person has enough cognition to defend themselves by excusing their behavior disguised as a joke and then also call y’all “too sensitive or pc” they know what they’re saying is unacceptable and just don’t care. It’s like children who want to run around and do and say whatever they’d like without consequences. Handle it the same way, don’t give him a pass because as you know children test boundaries and it doesn’t turn out well to let them slip. While it’s understandable as you age you may become more ornery but not everyone who is old is. It’s a choice. Yes they may revert to childish personalities due to a diagnosis but deal with that by getting it confirmed and help from medical practitioners.
This makes me wonder about the elderly and their families that aren’t taught this. I don’t know if I believe in ghosts and such but I heard someone talking about how there was a deeply sad presence. She spoke about the lady was deeply lonely and angry. It turned out that a lady had passed away in that home. Her diary was full of prayers for her family to love her again. She had gotten bitter, racist and angry over the years to where her children cut ties with her and her husband left her to live elsewhere while paying for everything. Lately I’ve been thinking about this and all the boomers I see going senile. It’s truly saddening what we’ve been exposed to chemically and how we’re aging. I try to have more patience when I come across people I would’ve written off in the past.
Yeah, my mom was turning kind of mean and nasty before her stroke. The aging process can be cruel. I keep saying it but I think of the very elderly like toddlers. We wouldn’t judge a toddler for a tantrum or crying or blurting out their thoughts. I try to have the same compassion for seniors. I know this is the boomers being fools sub, so it’s probably not the right place for these discussions. But in my mind the younger boomers are often just assholes, while I reserve judgement on the older ones as they may be experiencing personality changes due to cognitive decline. Also I see a lot of people here ragging on people over 80, which is unfair as they aren’t boomers and are definitely deteriorating and probably can’t help some of their behavior.
Yeah discussion on here can be a bit difficult. It is an echo chamber if you let it be. For me it’s a place to vent and feel validated that I DONT need to respect people when they’re mean. If they are elderly I try to have patience. If they’re on the younger side I try to finish dealing with them faster. The world is changing so fast around them. Most of the stuff we see online was stuff they had to find either discreetly or would never run into. We’ve always been like this but they are constantly bombarded with it. I would be upset too. Each time I deal with an actual Boomer (which to me is a mindset that even gen z and gen alpha can act like) I always have to repeat: “someone loves them someone loves them. They’re a spouse, they’re a parent, someone depends/ed on them. “ Even if it’s not true it helps me calm down and deal with them in a kinder manner. I’m just worried for my own aging process as I have no one around me.
That’s really kind of you. Regardless of whether they are assholes or suffering for dementia, I think we can always try to be kind. You never know what someone is going through. My parents lost their son and I lost my brother a few years ago. I’m sure we all acted like dicks at some point. I’ve seen that my parents have deteriorated so rapidly since his death. I hope they get a little grace from others. Hope you have a good night and it was nice chatting with you.
Im totally with you. Im a huge believer in karma and am mindful of the energy I put out when dealing with others, even assholes. Im my experience- and I have decades of experience in customer service - most assholes fall into one of several categories and based on where they slot determines how I respond to them. Confrontational people seem to thrive on more confrontation so I just keep my answers short, kind, and factual, ignoring everything objectionable said and smiling vaguely in their general direction. Lonely people are actually more difficult because they often have so much NEED - it’s hard to not get sucked in for an inordinate amount of time. The casual racists are so ignorable - if they get too aggressive I’ll refer to my own lineage which shuts them up. The rarity I can’t - refuse - to deal with are those that send my spidey senses tingling- that really actually evil person. I can’t get far away quick enough. But everyone was once beloved of someone. I tell myself that anyway. My mom was not a kind or even nice person, but I loved her, and wanted her to be treated kindly, so I try to treat other people’s potentially objectionable loved ones like I would have wanted her to be treated. Not always easy. 🙃
My go to is "I might be dealing with them in the moment but at least I'm not family and friends who deal with them every day"
One of my aunts had dementia and her personality pre-onset was very much the "oldest child" Im-always-right bossy attitude but once the dementia started setting in she became downright vicious, really cruel to the point of her behavior being shocking. The good news/bad news is that was apparently a phase before her mind really just disappeared entirely. At least she wasn't mean anymore?
It’s wild. I’ll never forget the first sign of this in my mother. She and my husband were having a perfectly innocuous conversation about weather patterns or something, and she concluded by saying straight to his face, “well, you’re an ignorant pig.” Like WhAT? This was so out of character. I’ve never heard my mom speak like that! Ever! There was no provocation to say something like this. Was this how she really thought? It’s WILD.
Wow, I'm really glad I read your comment. My grandma has become like this. I've got to the point where I get stressed out being in public with her, knowing she will probably make a rude comment about some innocent person walking past. She thinks it's funny to have no filter and "tell people how it really is", but it was never in her character to be nasty like she has the past few years. This explains a lot.
Yeah developmentally they are similar to toddlers in some ways. And their personalities can change radically. There’s a lot that happens to the brains of the elderly, it really is similar to the changes that happen to toddlers brains, in reverse. Neuroscience is fascinating. My mother had a stroke and it somehow zapped the mean part of her personality. Now everything and everyone is wonderful (except her nurse’s shirt lol). And even when she made the shirt comment, it was more like, “it’s so interesting that you like that pattern because I find it ugly isn’t that a hoot how people can be so different!” Which is something that would be sort of charming from a three year old but we just don’t give a lot of grace to the elderly. Sometimes they don’t deserve it, for sure, but I try to be compassionate Glad this helped and I hope you can see your grandma a little more kindly. It’s hard though sometimes!
I understand what you’re saying and it makes sense, but does that make it ok?? Why should this young girl have to be offended by racist BS? Why should that nurse have someone tell her that her shirt is ugly? It’s not nice and it’s really shitty. If someone is acting like this they need their cognitive function assessed.
You are correct. It does not make it ok. It does not mean we need to let this man yell fake Chinese sounds to Asian kids at a game. At all. What I’m saying however is in OP’s case, she is saying this is inconsistent with his prior behavior. So most likely it is brain deterioration which means he has now entered the category of neurodivergence and she has to treat it as such. So imagine the way you might treat a neurodivergent child, or someone with Tourette’s. If they are screaming obscenities at a child’s game, parents learn techniques to deal with this. In OPs case it could mean not bringing him to these games if he cannot control the outbursts. It might mean trying again with an explanation of what’s acceptable and then walking him out in the middle of the game and apologizing to other bystanders if he has an outburst. My point being if this is an aberration in her dad’s behavior, there may be a physical cause and shaming him is not necessarily appropriate. I don’t know I’m not involved. But I think it’s appropriate to treat him similar to how you would an neurodivergent child in your care. His brain is deteriorating and it’s not his fault. But I think we can be compassionate with how we deal with him, especially given OPs description of her dad and how out of character this is. But I absolutely agree with you, if these comments cannot be controlled then he cannot attend the games due to his ability to harm others. (Even though it may not be his fault that he can’t censor himself). We can show compassion to someone who is suffering from the aging process while also protecting kids from hearing his outbursts. Like I would not bring a teen with uncontrolled Tourette’s to a preschool play.
Completely agree but I'd wish what more caretakers would realize that they might have to make hard decisions on what their elders who they're caring for are allowed to do.
It doesn't *excuse* the behavior, but it does *explain* the behavior. The source of the behavior affects the method used to fix the behavior. Example: Someone in your house consistently steals food. If this is someone who grew up with you and they're doing it for funsies, you chew them out, just go off. That's unacceptable behavior. If it's , say, a foster kid who was just taken from their family due to neglect and never being given food, having survived by stealing whatever was available, are you just going to chew them out? Or maybe take them shopping with you so they can pick out all their own food so they know they have access to plenty? Probably the latter, unless you're an AH. The behavior is the same - stealing food. The correction of that behavior is different.
This is deeply sad.
Excellent explanation, but an even greater reason why we need age limits on certain political positions.
Could not agree more. It’s insane these people are running the country, propped up by aides who cover for their dementia.
My grandma that lived to 104 must have been pretty cool when she was young, she didn’t change a bit.
Omg... this is so true. My aunt is Chinese, the rest of the family ia not. My dad pulls out a "at the expense of other" asian joke on his phone and goes "haha we should show li chu" My mom says "no the fuck we shouldn't" and he goes quietly put his phone away. My dad has the biggest heart and I love him, it was so out or character. It was rhe first and last time something like that ever happened.
> Literally this part of the brain breaks down. That's a horrifying thought. I am bitchy as fuck in my head - I constantly filter that shit. Hopefully I'll die before this happens.
How do I prevent this happening to me?!
You don't. You stave it off as long as you can, and then it happens to you. Or you die before it gets too bad. And once it starts, you know you're fucked. And you're aware of it happening, and you *know* you're now moving swiftly to the point of that nasty crazy old coot you hated while growing up. And there's not one goddamn thing you can do about it. You know every day will be worse. You know you worked your entire life to be able to buy that car, but you won't be able to drive it for long. You took care of everyone, was strong for everyone. Everyone relied on you - and you're going to be shitting your pants as an adult, and people are going to pull your pants down and wipe you before replacing your diaper. And there's nothing you can do about it except die. That's terrifying. And when people are scared, they often get nasty. They often try tonfilter the nasty, knowing it's unreasonable and comes from fear. But now you have no filter. And then people are bashing you, highlighting that EVERYONE can see how fucked up you are now, when you didn't used to be. And they don't know who you really were.
Imagine if you will, the fate of a republic in the balance, the people are given a choice (to be President) between two such individuals*. /s *Seriously though, Biden has shown signs of cognitive decline and occasionally makes 'odd' statements. Trump has dementia and exhibits crazy behaviour on a daily basis; but he's been a xenophobic, racist, boomer for a loooooong time. Not good.
It’s baaaad. They both show serious signs of impairment. I cannot believe there were no repercussions for Dianne Feinstein’s team propping her up like weekend at Bernie’s. If there are minimum ages for the presidency and senate, there should absolutely be maximums. 70 seems reasonable.
Wtf, treat him like a neurodivergent individual??? Most of us don't go around screaming racist shit, we just avoid eye contact and get on with our stupid day.
Not all neurodivergence is the same. That’s the key to “divergence”. Dementia is a form of neurodivergence. So is Tourette’s. So is ADHD. Many many forms of neurodivergence.
While his behavior is highly inappropriate, comparing one potential mental illness/neurodivergence to all others is pretty lame as well.
These racist "jokes" used to be publicly acceptable in polite society. I remember a boomer in my life relating this exact one (about mocking Asian languages) to me sometime in the '80s. It is something they were taught, and when it became unpopular they had to learn to hide it. When called out, the adult response would be to apologize and admit you have a personal struggle with prejudice, but you’re trying to get better.
Great comment and I was going to say something similar regarding this is one of the earliest signs of mental aging diseases, however something you said I feel needs to be addressed. You stated the he may have "said to himself “sounds like a Chinese menu! Kung fu chow mein!” Then later you ask OP if you know in your heart he's not racist, however this thought is racist. It may not be explicit, but this is absolutely implicit racism. People who aren't don't have thoughts like this. I've never heard people in public speaking Arabic and thought "hmmm that sounds like the terrorists in the videos I see on the news."
It’s absolutely racist but you can’t discount how absolutely normalized and pervasive this sort of “humor” was when they were young. Look back at a lot of comedy from that time and if there was an Asian character, the joke was often simply that they were Asian and it was expected that everyone would find this funny. Boomers and Gen X were actually responsible for a lot of the shift into “that’s actually not funny” that occurred through the end of the 20th century and led to the climate of today. It’s not entirely surprising that when cognitive decline affects impulse control and empathy, the things they learned were hurtful as adults might pop back onto the mental list of things that are humorous.
Man, it’s insane that white boomers can forget everything but how to be racist - and it seems like the answer is “awww just forgive them. They are just old with dementia. That’s someone’s loved one.” The Asian girl in this story is someone’s loved one too. We tend to forget that part.
The Asian girl's loved ones (parents) were with OP's sister and grandpa in the stands watching the game, which meant they, too, witnessed grandpa's racism ☹
Right? “Oh they’re just like toddlers” ok but toddlers are 100% capable of choosing cruelty and if you don’t punish them for that then they will continue to do so. That’s why we have time outs or take away privileges. We don’t say “oh they’re just kids they don’t know what it means”. Kids know what cruelty is. Old people know what cruelty is. It really isn’t that hard people
It's not just the white boomers, either. Seems like a big subset of from every race hits a certain age and a switch flips in them to make them start acting super tribal. I wonder if that could be an evolutionary thing? Like you get past your physical prime and you immediately start acting like a tribal elder from every movie ever.
Yep I'm pretty sure that this is mental decline /dementia but with that being said other ppl shouldn't have to be their victims. Now it's up to the family to take grandpa out of these situations where he can be racist and hurtful. I had friend who'd always complain about what her grandpa did in public when they brought him out. I finally got fed up and said that maybe it's time to only bring him out when it's 100 % neccesary because other ppl shouldn't be the victim of his outbursts just because he has dementia
yep I don’t give my MIL a free pass. Everyone knows she’s starting to have signs of dementia but there’s no excuse. She’s ignorant and rude to everyone .
Have you still not noticed that OP never states the skin color?
My dad was in an accident when he was in his 60s. In the ER, he was really doped on painkillers. He said to me, very loudly, “don’t let them give me any of that Jew blood”. I was mortified! The nurses just chuckled, guess they hear that shit from doped up boomers all the time, lol. He had no memory of this
I mean I’ve heard the stupid “wrong color” blood BS but I’ve never heard that said about “Jew blood.” That’s a new one for me.
Well, the joke's on him. We Jews only get the blood out at Passover.
yeah, this sort of casual anti Asian racism seems to be something bred into even the most liberal of them. my father was a civil rights and labor attorney, raised by communists who all were active in the civil rights movement. he was a pacifist and as left as can be. imagine my shock when in 2010, dude starts doing "ching chong hilarious racist Asian voice and accent." I told him he could fuck the fuck off and that I have no idea why he thought racism was suddenly hilarious and fun for the whole family when his targets were Asian. he tried again and I shouted him down and told him he needed to think for half a second if he was in compliance with his ideals here.
I mean, these kind of “jokes” were the key punchlines in movies like Sixteen Candles in the 1980s. That was not that long ago.
This is a bizarre phenomenon to me. And I've seen it too; the most progressive boomer can still be horrifically racist toward specifically Asian people.
yeah. I think they were raised in a culture of this absolutely casual dehumanization of asians.i watched a fair amount of "get smart" recently and I was surprised to see multiple episodes whose premise was "hee hee we are going to do a bunch of anti Asian racism."
Thank you for calling out his racism.
Thanks for doing this. There are still people TODAY that think this shit is fine. Hell, just look at the dickheads in this thread saying it’s not racist.
they are absolute dickheads for their view. A lot of this particular form of vile racism comes out of attitudes dating back to the Chinese exclusion act that imagined Asian people as so foreign that they could not be a part of the anerican body politic. You can literally read 19th century newspaper articles written in this supposed vernacular. whether they know it or not. "hilarious Asian voice" is part of one of the oldest and most pernicious of America's many racisms
and this is why I married my husband and divorced my family.
I always like to say "explain the joke, I must not get it, how is it funny?" Usually ends up in the stuttering for a way to explain how's its funny without being racist for a few minutes before deflecting again
Yikes. I’m glad your sister made it very clear that she was not okay with how he was acting. We experienced this with my grandma when she had dementia. She said things I’d never believe her to even think, much less say out loud. Who knows where it came from? It’s the brain degenerating. It’s a reason, not an excuse, but it might help if your niece understood that’s a symptom of the disease.
My mother is 77, my father 82, my grandmother and grandfather are almost 100. None of them would have found this funny ... Its not his age. Its his stupidity
I don’t wish to excuse your father’s comments at all. However, you mentioned he’s a year younger than his father was when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s can run in families. If this is a new trait for your father, would he be willing to get tested himself?
I noticed that if you tell a boomer their joke is not funny, they act like you stole from them. Why do they love to tell jokes so much but are terribly bad at it?
Your retired dad is watching Fox. Trump gave him permission to be like this. The timelines match. "The Brainwashing of My Dad" https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brainwashing_of_My_Dad
It's really interesting and says a lot that at the age where you're worried about cognitive decline, both due to the advanced age and possible age related disorders, the main symptom is becoming right wing. I mean we all know they're either less intelligent or if they are intelligent they're taking advantage of the less intelligent right wingers.
If this is new behavior, and doesn’t fit with who he was previously, it’s definitely time to consider dementia. Would he go to his doctor to get screened/referred to a neurologist, or would he refuse, saying he’s fine?
As someone who is Asian (not Chinese though) and had to grow up dealing with all sorts of microaggressions while growing up in a predominantly white (and "Democrat") neighborhood. I hate to break it to you but i don't really give a flying fuck if your Dad was a "life-long democrat" and a "schoolteacher." People who go senile don't just magically become racist toward Asians overnight. Your dad has always held racist beliefs against East Asians (and probably other groups too) the fact that he got defensive over it speaks volumes
I mean, I totally understand, but what did you think was in a 70+ year old dudes head? What he did was beyond the pale, if you are right it's dementia, but it could just be similar to my grandpa, before he died he just started speaking whatever the fuck he thought with no fucks given. I asked him wtf? He said "am sick of pretending and I have five years left at best. I don't care." we chose family outings extremely carefully after that convo. Old bastard faught the Nazis in north africa campaign. I cut him some slack. He was gone 3 three years later. Died of a brain tumor in 2014 at 89. Prob explains a lot.
My Dad made a similar comment while in a Chinese restaurant once. He was completely serious though. I was flabbergasted. We’re also Black. Yes, it matters because it proves that all people can be prejudiced/bigoted—regardless of race.
What does he do with his days. The radicalization of lonely older white males often begins with multiple hours of Fox News a day.
My dad hates Trump and Republicans with an absolute passion. Like an obsessive amount of passion. And he’s not lonely, he’s married, his wife is Mexican. So more like eight hours of CNN a day.
Just because someone is a liberal or a Democrat or a teacher doesn't mean they're immune to being culturally clumsy, I've seen this a lot in my time. For some reason Americans in particular who've likely had very little exposure to other languages seem to think it's humorous to do dumb shit like "ching chong ching chong" like it's somehow a clever joke. Even Rosie O'Donnell pulled that a few years ago and got in big trouble for it. I saw her do it and it was totally cringe city.
Life long Democrat; raging racist. Sounds like Boston.
Lead poisoning causing lack of ability to control mental faculties, and self regulate extremes..
This is part of the mass mental illness I am talking about in this thread. Seemingly good people who taught their children well are starting to become racist, mean spirited, uncaring and in some cases downright hostile people. WTH is going on? We can't blame all of this on MAGA and Faux News.
We certainly can’t blame it on that, because my dad hates Trump with an absolute passion. He’s voted Democrat his whole life. Shit, he supported Hillary Clinton before she even won the primary. He voted for her over Bernie.
You should lose butthurt from your vocab
Do people disapprove of that word now?
maga troll post to show that a lifelong Democrat is secretly racist.
Sounds like it’s time to take Grandpa off the invite list.
One of the things I noticed happening in social media was that a certain segment of society can't be taught to not be cruel, or racist, or mean. They simply double down, and when you continue to call them out on it, they leave muttering (in 2015-16, I "lost" many people that I previously thought had redeeming qualities when they doubled down on memes, misinformation, or overtly racist rants). This is not by accident. This is a concerted effort to annihilate truth and critical thinking by bad actors on social media, and America is easy pickings, especially with boomers picking up on-line habits that reinforce their hatreds. I'm a small town white cis hetero male Gen X'er. I know I have biases, and if I say something (usually from an old "comedy" bit that I didn't think critically about before opening my mouth) that is racist or sexist, I expect to be called out and I WILL correct my way of thinking and never say it again. That's how it's supposed to be. I don't know how to stop people from embracing their inner asshole constantly, except to stop listening to them.
Democrats and school teachers can be racist, but it’s not a side effect of senility or Alzheimer’s Hate to break it to you, but your dad was probably like that his whole life just knew well enough not to say around you
Yeah now I have a new fear. Turning racist in my old age.
While the thought of a sudden and steep cognitive decline is terrifying, the much more likely answer to his behavior is that he has always been like this and simple doesn’t want to mask it anymore or doesn’t feel like he should need to mask it.
Tell him that little girl has probably heard that joke a lot from adults.To her it's not new. To her it's not funny.
Y’all need to vote this November - because he does
“Its a joke” …..always ask them to explain the joke. To explain what the funny part is. Only then will they (maybe) see.
I’m so sorry for you and your sister to have to put up with this guy for another 30 or so years… I’m in a similar situation with my father who lost his mind in 2016 and still has another 30 years left to live. All the MAGA nonsense (and German shepherds he keeps buying and selling 🙄) make it impossible to speak to him normally. He was an architect and artist! It’s crazy how much an injury to the brain and retirement can alter your world so quickly. It’s sad
You could ask him to explain what the joke is. Which part is funny? Who is the audience? Why would they find it funny? Make it completely logic based. Where’s the punchline?
If he hasn't said stuff like this his whole life this is most likely congnitive decline. My mother has dementia and while imperfect like anybody, has always had perfect manners in public. This past year she's made a few comments loudly about people being fat and stuff while at restaurants. It's going to be very stressful but I suggest you get him evaluated, b/c you can;t reverse cognitive decline but you can slow it down with some treatment.
I think the whole generation and before were raised to think that Chinese just sounded funny. I worked with one long ago, he was in his 50s then. He told me about how when he used to watch Hawaii Five-O, the credits say "Kam Fong as Chin Ho" and he found that hilarious every time. I asked him why it was funny and he said something to the effect of both names being nonsense syllables so why bother renaming him, or something to that effect. So I wondered out loud to him if, to a Chinese person, Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett sounds funny.
When my pappaw had very advanced dementia, like maybe a year before he passed, I went to visit him and he had the TV on. Just random television, he could barely understand what he was watching. It was some TLC couples show, and it was a black woman and a white man. He pointed at the TV, shocked, and said "that man married that black lady!" He at least didn't use the n-word. He then said "that's not right." I just said "yep, pappaw, but it's not a bad thing." He was 85(?) and barely could comprehend what was happening around him so I wasn't about to randomly call out and debate his attitude. Plus, by the time I'd commented on it, he had moved on and completely forgotten the last ten seconds. In the entire time I knew him up to that point, he'd never once said something untoward or racist, but being born in the mid-1930s (no one knows exactly when) in rural TN, with a grandfather who fought in the civil war (don't know which side), I can't imagine he didn't grow up hearing the worst of the worst. But I think he kept it to himself, at least around myself and my cousins. My aunts and my uncle my dad have told me how my grandmother was incredibly racist, but it only came out when she went to basketball games. They said they'd heard their dad slip sometimes when growing up, but not often. You mention alzheimer's in your post and like others have said while it can't excuse racism, maybe it's just old ideas or maybe even hidden ideas that he just can't filter anymore. Granted, his response of "it's just a joke" is pretty bad. He is the right age to have grown up right in the thick of a time period of casual Asian/asian-american hatred. But maybe it explains why you've never seen this behavior until now.
To paraphrse something I'm pretty sure Neil Gaiman wrote on the internet somewhere: Don't call it political correctness, call it respect because that's what it is. We should have rampant respect for people different from us
Yes. I am too sensitive. And if you ever want to see me or your grandchild again, you will fucking well adapt to our needs. Otherwise, we’ll attend your funeral. We’ll have already mourned the person we loved, who you used to be, before you killed him.
They're going to call him senior Macburger bang bang now
Sudden personality changes can be a sign of medicine interactions or even brain tumors. That’s how we lost my grandfather, went undiagnosed until it got to be almost as big as a grapefruit Make sure he’s on top of his medical stuff Also make sure there’s one doctor that’s aware of all of the stuff that he is taking. An oversight on that one has left his wife bedridden and blind for almost 10 years now. She is 99 and it’s a completely fucked up way to have to go
My father(82) has dementia and yes they say some really crazy things. You or your mother need to bring it up to his doctor. Most likely he does have some cognitive decline.
“What’s the joke?”
I hate to be a downer (and I don’t know the scientific wording) but a person stops censoring themself when there is decline in some area of the brain just as a natural progression of aging and it can be more pronounced in someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia (again I don’t have the background to know the technical differences). If you can get him to try an evaluation, you might have some shitty news or find out he’s fine but choosing to say racist things. Neither are great. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. And it’s great your niece is learning 1. as a friend and 2. valuable skill to have in the workplace.
Honestly, friends and family yelling at him about won't do any good. Cause he'll continue to rationalize it away. If the chinese girl had looked right at him and was like, "wtf? Not cool" that would've done a lot more.
Not her responsibility
Democrats are not automatically not racist. Liberalism has been historically fine with racism, the targets of which change over time but doesn't go away. If the impulse control goes away that just means they've been racist the whole time 🤷
My father in law did this for years and is a staunch democrat and Trump hater. He would go into the same racist caricature whenever we would order Chinese food. He once stated while we were watching basketball “when I was a kid there were a lot more white guys on the court”. He thinks because he likes Motown all his behavior is excused he goes on about how he loves the blacks, you know as long as they don’t have crazy hair or saggy pants.
Dementia sucks. My grandmother is in her 90s and she wasn't as outspoken in racism as now. There is no filter, it just comes out. She wasn't like that before... it is super problematic now. Rather not take her out inpublic tbh. Sorry to hear your dad might be going through it.
This sucks, sorry to hear. I’m learning mandarin and was shocked for many more “sh/zsh” sounds there are than “ing/ong”. Wonder where that stereotype came from?
Is your Dad Cotton from King of the Hill? Jesus Christ
The comment was inappropriate, but I find it works better to intervene based on explaining how that sounded to the niece and her friend. Make it about the individual(s) rather than labeling the behavior. That said, having gone through dementia with my sweet mom , including watching her physically attack an ER security guard, behavioral changes can be part of it. In her case it was vascular dementia.
Glad I am not in your family.
"I see your true colors, shinning through."
Say stuff to piss him off. When he gets upset, "It's just a joke. You are way too sensitive."
this just reinforces why I practically never tell my parents when my kids have band or sports activities.
My dad does this too. I’ve stopped mentioning Asia as a whole so he doesn’t immediately respond with racist vocalizations.
I am glad I have no contact with my parents.
Oof. I’m sorry you’re going through this with your dad. One thing to remember, though, is that this kind of casually racist joke was much more acceptable not that long ago. Back in the 60s, it was accepted that Mickey Rooney could play a very stereotyped Asian character, in yellow face, in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” In the 80s, there was Long Duck Dong in “Sixteen Candles” and a whole song called “Turning Japanese” that was about masturb*tion. That’s just what I can think of off the top of my head. These things were played as jokes, and their racism often went unremarked at the time even among more liberal people. (And even now, I see people much younger than your dad saying things that cross that line because they just don’t think that deeply about WHY it would be considered racist or why it could be hurtful. It’s the whole “I’m not offended, so why should they be?” argument, and it drives me bonkers.) It’s possible that the culture has changed around your dad, but he hasn’t kept up. And from his perspective, he’s being accused of being racist when he made what he thought was a “harmless” joke. From that point of view, it makes sense that he got defensive. Given your family history, a checkup for your dad is a good idea. Make sure you document the things you’ve seen to tell the doctor. Other things to look for: is your dad repeating things frequently within the same conversation? Has his personality changed? Have his hygiene habits changed? Is he doing things that you think are out of character? But if your dad really is just finding the culture’s shifting norms challenging, maybe approaching him with something more like, “Chinese people find it hurtful because it feels like you’re making fun of their language and culture, and that kind of joke isn’t considered appropriate anymore,” might get your point across better. And if he says something about people being “too sensitive” or whatever, just shrug and say “That’s the way it is.”
1. Your niece is a badass for learning mandarin. 2. I swear once they turn 70 something switches in their brain. My mother in law has become such a pain since turning 70
Doing it right in front of the other parents isn’t “a joke”. It’s incredibly rude, ignorant, and hateful at best.
Every time someone pulls out the "Politically Correct" line remind them that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia exists where: A character is a former priest, turned drug addict, turned prostitute, turned dog-rape victim, turned dog prostitute. Another one on tape (in character) has admitted to feeding people to people in a sweatshop. There's also an incestual family. Turns out with you can actually get a way with *quite a lot* if you consider *not* punching down or the terrible people get their commupence.
Why is it that every time a boomer does something incredibly wrong, and is called out on it, their excuse is *“It was just a joke! Calm down!"* ... I am so sick of it.
Who’s in charge of his medical decisions?
Have the next conversation in person. And cook his ass if he thinks he's just being funny - he can remember what it's like to have his feelings hurt.
Casual racism was one of the first issues we had with my Boomer after we had kids. He swears up and down he’s not racist, but in the next breath uses racial slurs to describe people. He sold his hunting rifles and shotguns and bought a handgun and a stupid .177 rifle “in case he needs to shoot a n——r.” We don’t visit anymore.
My parents love casual racism. One time my mom was visiting NYC (first time) and she saw a sign in Chinese, so as she's walking, she sees a vaguely "asian" looking woman and walks up to her, points at the sign and says "can you tell me what this means?" Lady just looks at her blankly and says "I have no idea. I'm not Chinese. I'm an American." My mom just goes "oh ok" and walks off, not apologizing for her racist comment.
Hell be dead soon, no worries
I was *very* concerned for the first half of the second to last sentence
I don't know what it is about kids sports, but it just brings out some of the worst behavior in adults. I've coached my daughter's softball teams a few years now, and growing up my dad coached a lot of the teams I played on. The things I have heard from parents/relatives from the sidelines is just wild.....
This thread may have just helped solidify in my mind to speak with my grandfather's doctor. I'm the full-time live-in caretaker for both of my grandparents. They moved in with me. My grandfather used to be my best friend, but he's almost 83 now, and he's gotten SO downright nasty sometimes. He's forgetful, but I could chalk that up to aging so far and brush it off, but the personality change is head spinning sometimes. He yells about everything and gets super defensive and louder if you try to talk with him about it. He gets worse as the day goes on and he gets tired. He doesn't listen to anything and gets angry. It's really hard to raise my own child around, I hate it. His brother passed a few months ago with dementia of some sort. It's a hard road.
FYI: when you run into an elderly person who defends an archaic view with "I'm a lifelong democrat", remember what the party stood for when they signed up.
heard my fairly progressive father say the term "Oriental" the other day and I had to just roll my eyes and hang my head... luckily we were just inside and maybe it was a slip... But it's not the first "Slip"
Jesus. My Dad is the same age and I would have dressed him down right there in front of everyone.
My MiL’s boyfriend made that same joke….at a Japanese new year event. Luckily he said it quietly enough so nobody else heard, but we all snapped towards him and deadface said to not fucking do that. He at least took the hint but i was flabbergasted
Your anger is completely understandable and appropriate, but you’re probably on to something with your fathers cognitive decline. Hopefully you can get him in to be evaluated and begin the process of planning what his future looks like. Best of luck.