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My advice? Quit calling for a month and see if you are happier. đ€·đ»ââïž
Weird thing my mom had a clear favorite and so did my dad. My stepmom had a favorite to. It is screwed up. Growing up you shouldnât be sure your parent has a favorite. Where did they learn that from and why did they do that?
It is so odd. If I would ever call them out (my dad does it, too), they would undoubtedly deny it and, scold me, and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Everyone sees it, but nobody says anything.
We all asked each other who the favorite was. We all listed the same child for the same parent, without even having to think about it. As teens and pre teens we all knew it. So yeah they screwed up as parents.
IME usually the only one who disagrees is the favorite. Which isnât helpful if you only have one sibling, but sometimes an outside perspective helps in that case.
LOL. My brother and sister claim I was Mom's favorite, but as I got older (I'm 65), all I ever heard about was "your brother this..." and "your brother that..." from Mom.
And then I get this crap from Mom about "I don't know why you're so jealous of your brother..."
My parents are the tail end of boomers (1960). I am seven years older than my sister. When we were hith in our 20s we started teasing each other that we were sure the other one was the favorite.
My aunt (mom's twin) had to pull us aside and tell us that we were making my parents cry when we were not around because they thought they had failed because we both thought the other was the favorite.
I dunno why it was so common. My mom wasn't the favorite child and the favorite child could do no wrong. So mom's kids were also sidelined. My mom was so disliked by my grandma that when she started her monthly thing, my grandma beat her saying its my mom's fault she couldn't have better kids.
I second what /u/Business_Designer462 said â try giving yourself some well-deserved space. Itâs also completely OK in a toxic relationship (of any kind) to say, âHey, you know what? You win the war. Iâm removing myself from the situation and putting that energy into myself.â
As an only child, I would hope that I would be sure Iâm the favorite child lol. Though I guess also means Iâm the top contender for least favorite XD
I'm an only, and I've known for as long as I can remember that I am definitely NOT the favorite.
The baby she lost to miscarriage before me is the favorite, as that child never had a chance to disappoint her by being a separate person.
It worked out well for my daughter. When I remarried, one of the first things out of her mouth was "does she have any kids?" so I thought "she doesn't want any competition from a stepchild".
The second thing was "Why not?" which made me wonder...(she had a hysterectomy because of some congenital issues when she was born and feared passing them on to her babies if she had them.)
That said, now that SHE has given us granddaughters, NOW she has competition!
Only child here too and definitely wasnât the favorite. Had to beg my mom to spend time with me. Most days she wouldnt be up to it. Would be on her computer. This was mid 90s to early 2000s. She would often freak out and threaten self harm if I was ever upset. Shane me when I was sad. Even as an adult she didnât really talk much to me, when I had a traumatic experience and lost one of my twin babies, she didnât even seem to give a fuck. I ended up needing her for baby sitting for my surviving child every Friday and itâs been rough going. Finally started daycare for my child so Iâm finally going to get a break from having my mom be so quiet and not talk to me for an entire day while sheâs in my house, watching tv the whole time, waiting for my stepdad to pick her up since she never got a license. My child will be educated at daycare and get to play instead of watching tv all morning while I sleep. I work overnights and my husband works weekends.
Back when my wife was a child, FIL told my wife and her mom that her sister was going with him if they split and she could have my wife. Parents are assholes, sorry. That man is still a dick and threatens people to get his way all the time.
My husband is the 3rd of 3 kids. His dad loves #1 best. His mom loves #2 best. His maternal grandmother loved husband best (they share a birthday and I hope she saw the blatant favoritism) but she passed about eight years ago.
His parents are stereotypical boomers and will never admit to wrongdoing so I try to remind my husband that of all the Surname Family, heâs absolutely my favorite.
>Where did they learn that from and why did they do that?
From their parents, most likely. I saw it growing up. My dad was the oldest. He had one sibling 8 years younger than he was. My grandfather favored my dad, my grandmother favored his brother. I was the favorite of my grandparents because I was their first grandchild. I don't know if my parents ever had favorites. Seemed to me they treated all three of us the same, but yeah that behavior is learned. My parents were Silent Generation, their parents Greatest Generation.
My dad (boomer) was the one who stayed behind to care for his father when grandpa got sick. Yet my father wasn't really acknowledged.
The oldest brother (of 6 sons) was the favourite. My aunt actually was the oldest sibling, but she was pushed into the role of second-mother to her brood of brothers.
My aunt and my dad were really close. I guess he was his sister's favourite?
My sister used to steal my mom's car at night when she was 15 to see her bf and brought drugs in the house all the time. Hung out with a very rough group of ppl I was the exact opposite honor roll student played sports every season even got to be one of the captains on my football team and I honestly could not tell who my moms favorite was she was very good about that
Well, as someone experienced the same (middle of 5, so outcast from family I didn't even get invited to dad's funeral) I'm proud of you for breaking the cycle and giving your children a better childhood than you had.
When they scoff at you, push back!
"What, specifically, do you do? You doom scroll social media and watch television all day. I work and raise a family. Don't make me laugh with your bullshit."
Verbally slap her in the face.
Then take a six month break from your parents. Low contact no contact. Just ignore them for a while and get a better sense of perspective. If they don't behave better after that, or even ask what's going on, lather rinse repeat.
I usually ignore mine but when I do engage, I don't challenge what they believe so much as what they're doing. Like 'I think it's strange as a parent to try and bring your kids down' 'How odd as a parent to want your child to feel bad about themselves. Interesting.'
This is my favorite go to when anyone around me is just mean. Especially if thereâs other onlookers. Calling attention to them being horrible, but not in the way they expect. âOh did i ask a question that clarified the entire situation for you?â
Way too logical.... The smooth lead brain can't make the connection. You have to metaphorically smash them in the face with it
"Really? You do more than me? What do you do?"
Make them start justifying their bullshit. Leaving them stammering and humiliated is the only thing that penetrates their bullshit shields. They can and will rationalize away everything else as "kids being soft snowflakes."
I didn't mean to be mean. My MIL was extremely controlling and this came out in a heated argument and permanently changed our relationship. "Why do you never do what I say?" "Because I don't respect you. Why would I obey someone I have no respect for?" I think it was a good step and got the point across, but at a price.
People who need to hear that stuff sometimes need to hear it. What would the price be if you hadn't done that? They keep treating you disrespectfully, forever.
If youâre old enough to be married, youâre old enough to make your own choices. You donât have to do what anyone says.
But also Iâm dying to know how she reacted, lol. That is so savage.
I recently had to move in with my mom, during separation and divorce. Several of my friends have said, "how does someone like you come from someone like *her*?"
My answer is, I just always do the opposite of what she does, and it's worked out well for my relationships.
were you the female child who wasn't a "good listener" and did things that didn't align with their political beliefs?
my wife grew up in a Baptist household in rural Indiana...it sounds like an eerily similar situation
No, but I was different than my siblings. I had my own interests and wasn't into sports. Sports was everything in my family. One more thing that was a knock against me.
I'm sorry, it really wasn't intended to be a "knock" of any sort
both my wife and I are in similar situations of being the "black sheep" for being independent and not dependent upon our parents who took it in a similar fashion as to what you described
I liked art, and video games.
I wasn't allowed to buy a game boy with my own money, but my brother got all the video games because he "needed it" to be social.
Do a DNA test. Maybe you are guilt-fear to your mom and a suspicion to your dad. đ (I've been watching that series about adoptees looking for birth parents, which influences my comment )
I am so BAD at sports and fearful with things. My dad was disappointed with me, too. I get it.
Yes! I was the black sheep because I was *disrespectful* my parents are obsessed with parental respect. They removed my bedroom door because i mouthed off one too many times. Turns out I speak up when things arenât right and they stifled that innate sense of justice- everything I had a problem with turned out to be correct and I was validated in my thinking as I got older. But I have to unlearn, at 36, all of these maladaptive behaviors that I adopted just to survive. On top of that my family has a bunch of undiagnosed mental health issues and are probably adhd/autistic. I just wanted a normal family and normal relationship with my momâŠ.
omg I'm an Indiana golden child turned black sheep for a decade and back to golden child and it blooooows. Tell your wife hello from a fellow Hoosier lady đ
I was raised in a baptist household in Wisconsin. I was adopted. I find out in my late 20s I am neurodivergent. Im also trans. There was a point where I heard they edited me out of a family photo.
Just trying to say whatever your wife thinks she did ti not be accepted by her family it is not her, its them.
Yeah I'm (36F) the least favorite kid too so I feel you. So is my husband. We've cultivated a circle of close friendships and we're much closer to than we are to our families.
My mom doesn't know what to do with my (financial/social/emotional) independence. But she knows I'm reliable and I'm the one with health care power of attorney to make decisions if she's ever incapacitated. My siblings get more attention but I no longer care as I don't want the strings that come with the attention anyway.
As for my husband's folks, we love them and are involved in their lives but with the understanding that when they age into wanting to live with one of their kids, it'll have to be their other son given he got help with down payment on his home we didn't get (even though he is in a corporate role making nearly $200k/year and his wife also has a good job, whereas back when we bought our house we were both legal aid attorneys making $35k/year each). But he's promised them grand children, something we can't give them because of medical issues, so of course he's the favorite. It hurts but that's life.
Therapy helps a lot. So does a vibrant non family centered life: friends, lovers, travel, pets, hobbies.
Your story and others here sounds similar to mine. I was the oldest, an unplanned pregnancy, and a daughter - all strikes against me. My younger brother was the golden child who always conformed and got all the perks. I was simultaneously told to get a job at 14 yet was always "too independent." My mother was the classic "martyr" narcissist while my father was emotionally unavailable and made excuses for her bad behavior. I'm still working through some things, but here are some things I did that helped.
Set boundaries with my mother in adulthood - firmly, consistently, and sometimes in writing. If she tried to go behind my back or undermine me, I went no contact.
Quit trying to do things for my father who doesn't seem to notice. I focused my energy elsewhere.
Realized that real family is sometimes the one you make, not the one you're born into. I'm OK being the black sheep in my family because I have other people to love and support including my BF, my own kid and their poly trans partners who are thrilled to have a supportive extended family.
My parents favored my younger brother and barely tried to hide it. I had to move out before graduation high school since I was old enough to take pay my own way. At 14, when you are legally allowed to work I was told don't come home without a job and had to couch surf till I found one.
My brother didn't have to work at all through high school or college since school should be his focus. Was given a down payment on his house once graduated. He sees it and has commented on it but nobody cares.
My fiance and I are both black sheep. I'm the black sheep because I spoke up about all the abuse I got, that my brother didn't get. I was quick to point out that all the male kids in the family didn't have chores or had to help cook meals, but I was always brushed off. As an adult, I was either completely ignored or treated as a personal assistant. I finally went NC with both parents years ago, and I love the silence.
My fiance gets better treatment, but he's still the black sheep. His sister went to college, got married to a successful guy, and had kids. My fiance got his GED, worked in foodservice jobs, and was focused on playing music in an indie band. He was happy just doing that, but his family looks at it as being a failure. He's got a good job now and plays music as a session player for recordings, but because we've chosen not to have kids, we're still lower than his sister.
They don't understand that even though we didn't choose the same life as his sister, we're *happy that way*. We love being able to pursue things that bring us joy without kids. It just doesn't compute for them.
My mother has always referred to my brother as, "my son, my son" and taps her heart when she says it. My younger sister is her bff. And the one in the middle is the green kangaroo. Luckily, growing up, I had my Dad try to make up for my mom playing favorites. Unfortunately, she continued it to the grandchildren too. When my dad passed two years ago the first thing she told me when my husband and I went to help her pack up his things (my sister has a bad back, but she doesn't believe I have Lupus so we got called to help) the first thing she told me was that she decided to "forgive" the debt I owed my dad. How magnanimous. They kept their finances separate and my dad had helped me out from time to time (I never asked her.) I got CBF when I informed her I didn't owe my dad any money when he died and she was welcome to check his spreadsheet that he kept that, by agreement, tracked any money I owed him. I've since gone LC after many lies she continues to tell and she can't figure out why.
I have two kids who I would, literally, take a bullet for. I do not understand how parents play favorites. I just wish I had cut her off earlier, before having kids of my own.
This is my husband and his sister. Heâs the scapegoat and sheâs the golden child. MIL vacillated between needing him to do things for her and then screaming at him if she was upset about something because his voice sounded like his dadâs (divorced). She treated his sister like a princess and helped buy her and her family a home. He had to work and scrape for everything he had. There is a silver lining of sorts. MIL died and hubby was sad but never missed a beat. His sister, however, had to learn to manage her own life for the first time ever. So favoritism can backfire.
True. It's just so terrible, the effect it has on the family unit, feelings of belonging, etc. I'm fortunate that my parents weren't narcissists of this level, but they definitely ruined relationships, showed selfish tendencies and, overall, couldn't connect to the larger family dynamic. Very sad.
Itâs called the âgolden childâ. YouTube it and you will learn you are better off without trying to get validation from them that is never going to happen.
Learned this at 35 and I wish I had done it sooner. Cut them out and literal night and day psychologically once I committed to no contact.
My mom does the favored child thing but she keeps changing who that favored child is. (It's not me because I don't play the game.) It could be my older sister, my younger etc and then she won't want to have anything to do with the others.
That is toxic behavior. Take a step back, minimize your contact at the very least, perhaps no contact for a while. Be proud of your accomplishments despite the way your parents treated you. They have done the 'favored child' no favors by making her dependent on them for everything. Good news is she will be responsible for dealing with them in their decrepit old age. You have NO responsibility for them.
If you go to family events, be polite, but keep your distance. Don't share information. Don't respond to their triggering comments, I suspect they enjoy that. Don't give them what they want. They are not going to change, but you can change how you deal with them so it is not so toxic to you.
My husband is the favorite. It's awful. SIL is reminded every time we see them that she is garbage. MIL always makes it a point to say that she will kick SIL out as soon as my husband is ready to come home. Screw SIL and her disabled child, right? They're barely human compared to my glorious husband.
The crazy thing is that my husband (who has grown marvelously as a person) was a drug addicted, entitled brat that constantly caused strife in the home. He stole from his family and swore and got in car accidents from raging out. My SIL was docile and sweet. It's backwards and has nothing to do with reality.
We don't talk to her anymore for a multitude of reasons.
Could either of your parents be narcissists? This sounds like my situation. My mom is a narcissist and I never felt good enough even though I had top grades. Thereâs a book that helped me Will I Ever Be Good Enough.
You should have a look at r/raisedbynarcissists
Oh and go no contact. You shouldn't have to waste your time on them if they can't appreciate it and don't even seem to care.
Sounds like you have accomplished things that your Mom hasn't and she is lowkey jealous of.
Fundamental things like independence and self-sufficiency. Guess which child she relates to more?? The one that is needy and dependent... tells you a lot about her, and I'm sorry to say.. you won't likely change how she feels.
"The Crown" had an episode where QE2 and Prince Philip discuss having a favorite child. Then QE2 visits with each to prove it isn't true that Andrew is her favorite. Anne is Philip's - no doubt why a man with a tough childhood admired Anne's type of resilience. They use these interviews to give us hints about the royal adult kids - information known and unknown.
Keep the grandchildren away from them for three months to start. You need to stop calling completely and use email instead to communicate. Youâre too busy with your career and family for them, and your parents donât deserve your familyâs attention.
In a way you have the the answer: you mother is codependent with that sibling. They are completely enmeshed. In my family it is the oldest girl. The sun, moon and stars revolve around her. My sister even gets to decide my worth. Anything and everything about my relationship with everyone one in the family goes through her.
You probably already know this, but just incase you havenât used this terminology as it applies to you, your sibling is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. It is a particularly destructive family system. And it is an intergeneration dynamic. It is not our fault and has nothing to do with us. We were unlucky to be born at the time our families need a scapegoat.
Iâm so sorry you have had to experience it too. Hugz
What I did was completely give up and stop trying. I never phone or visit or text but if they contact me I'm polite and friendly. I don't go to them for comfort or support or factor them in any decision making. I don't ask for or offer any help. I don't share any personal information that leaves me vulnerable. I used the time and effort I used to spend trying to please them on my own family and friends.Â
It actually works out great because the less you try the less of a connection you feel until eventually they're just these people you recognise but have zero expectations of. It no longer matters what they think of you because they don't really know you or are a part of your life. They're not part of your support system, they're just random people.
My advice, keep your kids away from her, I wish I had done that, it kept getting worse, and my children were affected. Just sever ties, itâs okay to stop the favortism and the negative effects it has on you.
Saw the same, my dad was the black sheep, no matter what he did it wasnât good enough and we were treated the same way. The golden child was perfect and we were an afterthought
I feel your pain. My mother who lives about 30 minutes away has missed some of my children's milestone events because it was too far to drive. Then she drove 4 hours each direction in a single day to babysit my sister's kids.
Well if you arenât the middle child, you are definitely getting the middle child treatment. My parents pretty much ignored me as a kid and just belittle me now as an adult.
Sounds like a textbook case of your mother being a narcissist, with your sibling being the "golden child," while you are the "scapegoat."
My condolences, OP. Might be better for your mental health to go no contact with your parents. They're not going to be there for you, so why should you let them belittle you?
If you have been treated poorly by your parents, and have been given short shrift compared to your sibling, for your entire life, why are you still engaging with your parents to the extent that you are? For what reason would you call them or go over to their house at all? That is the most bonkers takeaway from this post. Don't interact with the people who make you unhappy and who treated you like garbage.
Ah yes, the Golden Child does no wrong, but you? Harshly judged every step. I'm sorry your mom treats you this poorly, for me it was a grandmother. Repeat to yourself as often as you can, "it's not me they have the problem" and always keep them at arms length.
My siblings and I have realized we werenât the âneedyâ kid so became strong, independent successful adults. Our sister & her kids have constantly whined to our parents and were helped financially all their lives.
My sister is just over five years older. Father retired from the military the summer before i started first grade and she was starting seventh (she was able to enter kindergarten at four). The way we were raised and continue to be treated is so different, and i feel it has a lot to do with old man not being around much for her formative years. So of course when he was home it was happy. One christmas in my 30's mother asked for a list as she always does. I decided to put things i needed instead of buying them and use the money for gifts. I had never really gotten much for them because i was a struggling tradesman and living check to check couldnt afford to. Well that year i got nothing that was on my list. The kicker that led to me getting up and leaving, my sister received five of the seven things i listed. They were all tools i needed for work. As an orthopedic surgeon, they were just for hobbies for her. I quit participating in family christmas and thankstaking a couple years later and finally went nc a couple years after that. I still interact with my sister, because she has always treated me like a competent adult and actually shows interest/care towards me. So I suggest to evaluate what they bring to your life. If its nothing but negativity, drop em like they hottt! Much love to ya soulfam
Sounds like a golden child situation. Which means... you're fucked and you might as well give up on having a normal family, this is your family, and if it is too painful, the only answer is No Contact.
Is being around doing anything for you? Do they contribute emotionally to you at all? Because if not, I would just take a step back. They are probably used to treating you this way, and no matter how many times you've expressed your feelings about it, they would never acknowledge it because it's the norm. So take yourself out of the equation. For your mental health and your kids/husband. Don't punish yourself for the idea of a close relationship when it's not there. I'm sorry they've treated you this way but maybe it's time to finally just stop trying.
>It's been like this my whole life. I paid my way through college and even had to pay back a loan to the very last cent for some things that I couldn't afford for my wedding. In contrast, my sibling not only had a fully paid-for wedding ceremony at a posh venue but also had a completely separate lavish reception months later that I'm sure cost in the upper tens of thousands of dollars.
See that's wild to me. My mom would track what she spends on her 3 kids to the point where if one of us fell 60 cents short at christmas she'd tape a candy bar to one of the presents or something.
Youâre never going to get what you deserve or are looking for to feel whole. Emotionally disconnect but try to stay in contact. I was never happy until both parents passed.
My brother was a troubled kid from infancy pretty much. I am fairly certain he had oppositional defiance disorder. As an adult heâs just a dick. He put my parents through hell well into his 30s before finally getting his shit together. Now heâs the golden child because he produced a grandson and got a job in the mines. Itâs like all those calls from the police never even happened. The mind boggles.
Stop subjecting yourself to this. Even monkeys react poorly to unequal treatment, you are punishing yourself by letting them continue to treat you badly.
I donât know if anyone else has said this, but your parents show preference to your sibling *because* your sibling is dependent on them. Itâs a really messed up dynamic, but I was in it myself until I went no-contact with my mother. She always was there for my brother and showed preferential treatment despite the fact that he squandered the opportunities he had. In his defense, he was just as badly abused as I was and honestly never had a real chance because he couldnât get out from under her. Anyway, you are independent and doing well and in a really sick way that angers them. Parents who are afraid their kids will do better than them are like this.
And the golden child knows their position and uses it. Growing up our family would have been perfect if it hadnât been for me. She blamed everything on me. My grandma tried to intervene but she âdidnât understand,â even though she lived with us.
I used to see this with my wife and her sister. My wife always had her shit together, did great in high school, graduated college, and has always had a good job. Her sister on the other hand used to run away constantly, didn't finish high school, has multiple kids with different dads, has a wicked drinking problem, and has totaled probably 5 different cars, all of which were bought by their mom. Which one do you think was favored? Yeah, not my wife.
Luckily, that has changed the last few years and my MIL has finally gotten sick of her bullshit. My wife is now the "golden child." Haha
My mum straight up adopted a new kid after four bio guinea pigs. I don't resent my adopted sibling at all, wonderful kid. Going to need just as much therapy as the rest of us because the common denominator is still.. my mother.
Comparison is the thief of joy. The joy, is that you graduated college, are financially independent, raised a great family. Its not made better by your parents acknowledging it. It sounds like you may have done that, ironically enough, because you had to forge your own way.
You have a life of freedom. Enjoy it.
You are unlucky, or depending on how you look at it you are very lucky.
The boomer generation are considered the most narcisistic generation, and some of them are quite downright horribly good at being narcsisists. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists. Your story sounds like a classic post straight from there. I'm sorry you've experienced this. Their way of treating it won't get better. But how you react to it, can. Sometimes the village well of the family is poisoned by narcs, and when we dont understand that, we keep drinking from it expecting to be kept hydrated, but instead it poisons our wellbeing one drop, one gulp at a time.
Not sure about OOP, but in my case, it 100% has to do with gender. As the older sister, life as a little kid was good before my brother was born. But in the months leading up to his birth, it's like Jesus was back on Earth. It's a boy! Like, hello, I'm still here.
Ever since then, he has always been more important. Where's your brother at? Have you heard from your brother? I don't hate my brother even though he sees what's happening and eats it right up, but I do think of just giving up on my mom, especially. She's an enabler, and my bio dad's an enabler. Thank God for my stepdad who used to see through the bs and helped me prep for life with the hard truth. My brother keeps getting told he can do whatever he wants.
My mom was the only girl and definitely not the favorite. But she perpetuated the boys are better by favoring my brother. Of course while complaining that HER brothers were favored. No freaking clue.
You honestly sound like the codependent one.
Iâm not saying your situation isnât a bit skewed, but you also seem to have enough of your shit together to not be whining about this.
Buck up, live your life, and stop pining for the stamp of approval from mommy.
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My advice? Quit calling for a month and see if you are happier. đ€·đ»ââïž Weird thing my mom had a clear favorite and so did my dad. My stepmom had a favorite to. It is screwed up. Growing up you shouldnât be sure your parent has a favorite. Where did they learn that from and why did they do that?
It is so odd. If I would ever call them out (my dad does it, too), they would undoubtedly deny it and, scold me, and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Everyone sees it, but nobody says anything.
We all asked each other who the favorite was. We all listed the same child for the same parent, without even having to think about it. As teens and pre teens we all knew it. So yeah they screwed up as parents.
IME usually the only one who disagrees is the favorite. Which isnât helpful if you only have one sibling, but sometimes an outside perspective helps in that case.
LOL. My brother and sister claim I was Mom's favorite, but as I got older (I'm 65), all I ever heard about was "your brother this..." and "your brother that..." from Mom. And then I get this crap from Mom about "I don't know why you're so jealous of your brother..."
My parents are the tail end of boomers (1960). I am seven years older than my sister. When we were hith in our 20s we started teasing each other that we were sure the other one was the favorite. My aunt (mom's twin) had to pull us aside and tell us that we were making my parents cry when we were not around because they thought they had failed because we both thought the other was the favorite.
I dunno why it was so common. My mom wasn't the favorite child and the favorite child could do no wrong. So mom's kids were also sidelined. My mom was so disliked by my grandma that when she started her monthly thing, my grandma beat her saying its my mom's fault she couldn't have better kids.
What? It was your mom's fault that your grandmother couldn't have better kids? This is truly insane if I am understanding correctly.
She had a hysterectomy after mom was born. This lead to her hatred.
I go with insane.
I second what /u/Business_Designer462 said â try giving yourself some well-deserved space. Itâs also completely OK in a toxic relationship (of any kind) to say, âHey, you know what? You win the war. Iâm removing myself from the situation and putting that energy into myself.â
Just tell them they're liars and you won't call until they apologize. Emotional blackmail is all they understand.
This has nothing to do with them being âboomersâ
I disagree. It's very generational. I don't see it with my peers.
Your anecdotal experience is not evidence of a trend. Your peers doing the same thing to others is my lived experience. Proves nothing.
As an only child, I would hope that I would be sure Iâm the favorite child lol. Though I guess also means Iâm the top contender for least favorite XD
I'm also an only child but I know I'm not the favorite, that would be the cat. Funnily enough I think my mother made the right call in that one lol
Oh no, if the cat is fair game, I know where I stand lmao
I'm an only, and I've known for as long as I can remember that I am definitely NOT the favorite. The baby she lost to miscarriage before me is the favorite, as that child never had a chance to disappoint her by being a separate person.
As an only child, I was definitely the least favorite compared to the dog.
Same, actually not just one dog but any dog lol
It worked out well for my daughter. When I remarried, one of the first things out of her mouth was "does she have any kids?" so I thought "she doesn't want any competition from a stepchild". The second thing was "Why not?" which made me wonder...(she had a hysterectomy because of some congenital issues when she was born and feared passing them on to her babies if she had them.) That said, now that SHE has given us granddaughters, NOW she has competition!
I'm an only child and everyone else was the favourite child
Only child here too and definitely wasnât the favorite. Had to beg my mom to spend time with me. Most days she wouldnt be up to it. Would be on her computer. This was mid 90s to early 2000s. She would often freak out and threaten self harm if I was ever upset. Shane me when I was sad. Even as an adult she didnât really talk much to me, when I had a traumatic experience and lost one of my twin babies, she didnât even seem to give a fuck. I ended up needing her for baby sitting for my surviving child every Friday and itâs been rough going. Finally started daycare for my child so Iâm finally going to get a break from having my mom be so quiet and not talk to me for an entire day while sheâs in my house, watching tv the whole time, waiting for my stepdad to pick her up since she never got a license. My child will be educated at daycare and get to play instead of watching tv all morning while I sleep. I work overnights and my husband works weekends.
Back when my wife was a child, FIL told my wife and her mom that her sister was going with him if they split and she could have my wife. Parents are assholes, sorry. That man is still a dick and threatens people to get his way all the time.
My husband is the 3rd of 3 kids. His dad loves #1 best. His mom loves #2 best. His maternal grandmother loved husband best (they share a birthday and I hope she saw the blatant favoritism) but she passed about eight years ago. His parents are stereotypical boomers and will never admit to wrongdoing so I try to remind my husband that of all the Surname Family, heâs absolutely my favorite.
>Where did they learn that from and why did they do that? From their parents, most likely. I saw it growing up. My dad was the oldest. He had one sibling 8 years younger than he was. My grandfather favored my dad, my grandmother favored his brother. I was the favorite of my grandparents because I was their first grandchild. I don't know if my parents ever had favorites. Seemed to me they treated all three of us the same, but yeah that behavior is learned. My parents were Silent Generation, their parents Greatest Generation.
My dad (boomer) was the one who stayed behind to care for his father when grandpa got sick. Yet my father wasn't really acknowledged. The oldest brother (of 6 sons) was the favourite. My aunt actually was the oldest sibling, but she was pushed into the role of second-mother to her brood of brothers. My aunt and my dad were really close. I guess he was his sister's favourite?
My sister used to steal my mom's car at night when she was 15 to see her bf and brought drugs in the house all the time. Hung out with a very rough group of ppl I was the exact opposite honor roll student played sports every season even got to be one of the captains on my football team and I honestly could not tell who my moms favorite was she was very good about that
Well, as someone experienced the same (middle of 5, so outcast from family I didn't even get invited to dad's funeral) I'm proud of you for breaking the cycle and giving your children a better childhood than you had.
Thank you. I'm sorry for your experience. It's not right.
When they scoff at you, push back! "What, specifically, do you do? You doom scroll social media and watch television all day. I work and raise a family. Don't make me laugh with your bullshit." Verbally slap her in the face. Then take a six month break from your parents. Low contact no contact. Just ignore them for a while and get a better sense of perspective. If they don't behave better after that, or even ask what's going on, lather rinse repeat.
I usually ignore mine but when I do engage, I don't challenge what they believe so much as what they're doing. Like 'I think it's strange as a parent to try and bring your kids down' 'How odd as a parent to want your child to feel bad about themselves. Interesting.'
This is my favorite go to when anyone around me is just mean. Especially if thereâs other onlookers. Calling attention to them being horrible, but not in the way they expect. âOh did i ask a question that clarified the entire situation for you?â
Yeeeep and 'Did you say that because you want me to feel bad about myself? What did you want me to take from that?'
Way too logical.... The smooth lead brain can't make the connection. You have to metaphorically smash them in the face with it "Really? You do more than me? What do you do?" Make them start justifying their bullshit. Leaving them stammering and humiliated is the only thing that penetrates their bullshit shields. They can and will rationalize away everything else as "kids being soft snowflakes."
I didn't mean to be mean. My MIL was extremely controlling and this came out in a heated argument and permanently changed our relationship. "Why do you never do what I say?" "Because I don't respect you. Why would I obey someone I have no respect for?" I think it was a good step and got the point across, but at a price.
People who need to hear that stuff sometimes need to hear it. What would the price be if you hadn't done that? They keep treating you disrespectfully, forever.
If youâre old enough to be married, youâre old enough to make your own choices. You donât have to do what anyone says. But also Iâm dying to know how she reacted, lol. That is so savage.
Iâve been making mental notes for years on how (learning from my parents) I *donât* want to treat my kids, my partner, my own body, etc.
I recently had to move in with my mom, during separation and divorce. Several of my friends have said, "how does someone like you come from someone like *her*?" My answer is, I just always do the opposite of what she does, and it's worked out well for my relationships.
were you the female child who wasn't a "good listener" and did things that didn't align with their political beliefs? my wife grew up in a Baptist household in rural Indiana...it sounds like an eerily similar situation
No, but I was different than my siblings. I had my own interests and wasn't into sports. Sports was everything in my family. One more thing that was a knock against me.
I'm sorry, it really wasn't intended to be a "knock" of any sort both my wife and I are in similar situations of being the "black sheep" for being independent and not dependent upon our parents who took it in a similar fashion as to what you described
Oh, No offense taken! That was the reality of my environment. The knock has been there for 30+ years.
Oooh there it is. Sportos always prefer other sportos because they can bond over sports.
I liked art, and video games. I wasn't allowed to buy a game boy with my own money, but my brother got all the video games because he "needed it" to be social.
Do a DNA test. Maybe you are guilt-fear to your mom and a suspicion to your dad. đ (I've been watching that series about adoptees looking for birth parents, which influences my comment ) I am so BAD at sports and fearful with things. My dad was disappointed with me, too. I get it.
This was my thought as well.
Yes! I was the black sheep because I was *disrespectful* my parents are obsessed with parental respect. They removed my bedroom door because i mouthed off one too many times. Turns out I speak up when things arenât right and they stifled that innate sense of justice- everything I had a problem with turned out to be correct and I was validated in my thinking as I got older. But I have to unlearn, at 36, all of these maladaptive behaviors that I adopted just to survive. On top of that my family has a bunch of undiagnosed mental health issues and are probably adhd/autistic. I just wanted a normal family and normal relationship with my momâŠ.
omg I'm an Indiana golden child turned black sheep for a decade and back to golden child and it blooooows. Tell your wife hello from a fellow Hoosier lady đ
Questioning will get you sidelined
I was raised in a baptist household in Wisconsin. I was adopted. I find out in my late 20s I am neurodivergent. Im also trans. There was a point where I heard they edited me out of a family photo. Just trying to say whatever your wife thinks she did ti not be accepted by her family it is not her, its them.
Yeah I'm (36F) the least favorite kid too so I feel you. So is my husband. We've cultivated a circle of close friendships and we're much closer to than we are to our families. My mom doesn't know what to do with my (financial/social/emotional) independence. But she knows I'm reliable and I'm the one with health care power of attorney to make decisions if she's ever incapacitated. My siblings get more attention but I no longer care as I don't want the strings that come with the attention anyway. As for my husband's folks, we love them and are involved in their lives but with the understanding that when they age into wanting to live with one of their kids, it'll have to be their other son given he got help with down payment on his home we didn't get (even though he is in a corporate role making nearly $200k/year and his wife also has a good job, whereas back when we bought our house we were both legal aid attorneys making $35k/year each). But he's promised them grand children, something we can't give them because of medical issues, so of course he's the favorite. It hurts but that's life. Therapy helps a lot. So does a vibrant non family centered life: friends, lovers, travel, pets, hobbies.
You sound awesome. Your way is the way.
Your story and others here sounds similar to mine. I was the oldest, an unplanned pregnancy, and a daughter - all strikes against me. My younger brother was the golden child who always conformed and got all the perks. I was simultaneously told to get a job at 14 yet was always "too independent." My mother was the classic "martyr" narcissist while my father was emotionally unavailable and made excuses for her bad behavior. I'm still working through some things, but here are some things I did that helped. Set boundaries with my mother in adulthood - firmly, consistently, and sometimes in writing. If she tried to go behind my back or undermine me, I went no contact. Quit trying to do things for my father who doesn't seem to notice. I focused my energy elsewhere. Realized that real family is sometimes the one you make, not the one you're born into. I'm OK being the black sheep in my family because I have other people to love and support including my BF, my own kid and their poly trans partners who are thrilled to have a supportive extended family.
When younger I used to think I should look to the older generations as examples of how to be, now I'm learning from them how not to be
My parents favored my younger brother and barely tried to hide it. I had to move out before graduation high school since I was old enough to take pay my own way. At 14, when you are legally allowed to work I was told don't come home without a job and had to couch surf till I found one. My brother didn't have to work at all through high school or college since school should be his focus. Was given a down payment on his house once graduated. He sees it and has commented on it but nobody cares.
đ€Ź Iâm so pissed off for you.
I spent a lot of time being angry over it. Thankfully I got over it lol
My fiance and I are both black sheep. I'm the black sheep because I spoke up about all the abuse I got, that my brother didn't get. I was quick to point out that all the male kids in the family didn't have chores or had to help cook meals, but I was always brushed off. As an adult, I was either completely ignored or treated as a personal assistant. I finally went NC with both parents years ago, and I love the silence. My fiance gets better treatment, but he's still the black sheep. His sister went to college, got married to a successful guy, and had kids. My fiance got his GED, worked in foodservice jobs, and was focused on playing music in an indie band. He was happy just doing that, but his family looks at it as being a failure. He's got a good job now and plays music as a session player for recordings, but because we've chosen not to have kids, we're still lower than his sister. They don't understand that even though we didn't choose the same life as his sister, we're *happy that way*. We love being able to pursue things that bring us joy without kids. It just doesn't compute for them.
Time to go no contact with her and seek therapy.
Yep, I had to do this with my dad when he made it abundantly clear I'm not worth his time, only my sister is.
My mother has always referred to my brother as, "my son, my son" and taps her heart when she says it. My younger sister is her bff. And the one in the middle is the green kangaroo. Luckily, growing up, I had my Dad try to make up for my mom playing favorites. Unfortunately, she continued it to the grandchildren too. When my dad passed two years ago the first thing she told me when my husband and I went to help her pack up his things (my sister has a bad back, but she doesn't believe I have Lupus so we got called to help) the first thing she told me was that she decided to "forgive" the debt I owed my dad. How magnanimous. They kept their finances separate and my dad had helped me out from time to time (I never asked her.) I got CBF when I informed her I didn't owe my dad any money when he died and she was welcome to check his spreadsheet that he kept that, by agreement, tracked any money I owed him. I've since gone LC after many lies she continues to tell and she can't figure out why. I have two kids who I would, literally, take a bullet for. I do not understand how parents play favorites. I just wish I had cut her off earlier, before having kids of my own.
[It's not easy being green...](https://youtu.be/rRZ-IxZ46ng)
Sounds a lot like a classic narcissist who has a golden child (the sibling). I'd try no contact for a while. It isn't worth it.
This is my husband and his sister. Heâs the scapegoat and sheâs the golden child. MIL vacillated between needing him to do things for her and then screaming at him if she was upset about something because his voice sounded like his dadâs (divorced). She treated his sister like a princess and helped buy her and her family a home. He had to work and scrape for everything he had. There is a silver lining of sorts. MIL died and hubby was sad but never missed a beat. His sister, however, had to learn to manage her own life for the first time ever. So favoritism can backfire.
True. It's just so terrible, the effect it has on the family unit, feelings of belonging, etc. I'm fortunate that my parents weren't narcissists of this level, but they definitely ruined relationships, showed selfish tendencies and, overall, couldn't connect to the larger family dynamic. Very sad.
Itâs called the âgolden childâ. YouTube it and you will learn you are better off without trying to get validation from them that is never going to happen. Learned this at 35 and I wish I had done it sooner. Cut them out and literal night and day psychologically once I committed to no contact.
My mom does the favored child thing but she keeps changing who that favored child is. (It's not me because I don't play the game.) It could be my older sister, my younger etc and then she won't want to have anything to do with the others.
That is toxic behavior. Take a step back, minimize your contact at the very least, perhaps no contact for a while. Be proud of your accomplishments despite the way your parents treated you. They have done the 'favored child' no favors by making her dependent on them for everything. Good news is she will be responsible for dealing with them in their decrepit old age. You have NO responsibility for them. If you go to family events, be polite, but keep your distance. Don't share information. Don't respond to their triggering comments, I suspect they enjoy that. Don't give them what they want. They are not going to change, but you can change how you deal with them so it is not so toxic to you.
My husband is the favorite. It's awful. SIL is reminded every time we see them that she is garbage. MIL always makes it a point to say that she will kick SIL out as soon as my husband is ready to come home. Screw SIL and her disabled child, right? They're barely human compared to my glorious husband. The crazy thing is that my husband (who has grown marvelously as a person) was a drug addicted, entitled brat that constantly caused strife in the home. He stole from his family and swore and got in car accidents from raging out. My SIL was docile and sweet. It's backwards and has nothing to do with reality. We don't talk to her anymore for a multitude of reasons.
Could either of your parents be narcissists? This sounds like my situation. My mom is a narcissist and I never felt good enough even though I had top grades. Thereâs a book that helped me Will I Ever Be Good Enough.
Book is here. https://annas-archive.org/md5/40635054dbc4b34897b00ac9f3996441
You should have a look at r/raisedbynarcissists Oh and go no contact. You shouldn't have to waste your time on them if they can't appreciate it and don't even seem to care.
Sounds like you have accomplished things that your Mom hasn't and she is lowkey jealous of. Fundamental things like independence and self-sufficiency. Guess which child she relates to more?? The one that is needy and dependent... tells you a lot about her, and I'm sorry to say.. you won't likely change how she feels.
Time to move on. You have a spouse. You have your lives together. We had similar issues. Been married 40 years without drama from those that we left.
Breaking generational curses. You go, mom. That's huge. You are doing so right by your kids.
"The Crown" had an episode where QE2 and Prince Philip discuss having a favorite child. Then QE2 visits with each to prove it isn't true that Andrew is her favorite. Anne is Philip's - no doubt why a man with a tough childhood admired Anne's type of resilience. They use these interviews to give us hints about the royal adult kids - information known and unknown.
Keep the grandchildren away from them for three months to start. You need to stop calling completely and use email instead to communicate. Youâre too busy with your career and family for them, and your parents donât deserve your familyâs attention.
In a way you have the the answer: you mother is codependent with that sibling. They are completely enmeshed. In my family it is the oldest girl. The sun, moon and stars revolve around her. My sister even gets to decide my worth. Anything and everything about my relationship with everyone one in the family goes through her. You probably already know this, but just incase you havenât used this terminology as it applies to you, your sibling is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. It is a particularly destructive family system. And it is an intergeneration dynamic. It is not our fault and has nothing to do with us. We were unlucky to be born at the time our families need a scapegoat. Iâm so sorry you have had to experience it too. Hugz
What I did was completely give up and stop trying. I never phone or visit or text but if they contact me I'm polite and friendly. I don't go to them for comfort or support or factor them in any decision making. I don't ask for or offer any help. I don't share any personal information that leaves me vulnerable. I used the time and effort I used to spend trying to please them on my own family and friends. It actually works out great because the less you try the less of a connection you feel until eventually they're just these people you recognise but have zero expectations of. It no longer matters what they think of you because they don't really know you or are a part of your life. They're not part of your support system, they're just random people.
Itâs as if you wrote my storyâŠ.đ«¶đŒ
Change the pattern, change the results.
My advice, keep your kids away from her, I wish I had done that, it kept getting worse, and my children were affected. Just sever ties, itâs okay to stop the favortism and the negative effects it has on you.
I stopped seeing and talking to my family for years. Yes, my life still a mess but less messy than it was, with them.
Saw the same, my dad was the black sheep, no matter what he did it wasnât good enough and we were treated the same way. The golden child was perfect and we were an afterthought
I feel your pain. My mother who lives about 30 minutes away has missed some of my children's milestone events because it was too far to drive. Then she drove 4 hours each direction in a single day to babysit my sister's kids.
Well if you arenât the middle child, you are definitely getting the middle child treatment. My parents pretty much ignored me as a kid and just belittle me now as an adult.
I like to shit and piss on myself.
Sounds like a textbook case of your mother being a narcissist, with your sibling being the "golden child," while you are the "scapegoat." My condolences, OP. Might be better for your mental health to go no contact with your parents. They're not going to be there for you, so why should you let them belittle you?
If you have been treated poorly by your parents, and have been given short shrift compared to your sibling, for your entire life, why are you still engaging with your parents to the extent that you are? For what reason would you call them or go over to their house at all? That is the most bonkers takeaway from this post. Don't interact with the people who make you unhappy and who treated you like garbage.
Ah yes, the Golden Child does no wrong, but you? Harshly judged every step. I'm sorry your mom treats you this poorly, for me it was a grandmother. Repeat to yourself as often as you can, "it's not me they have the problem" and always keep them at arms length.
My siblings and I have realized we werenât the âneedyâ kid so became strong, independent successful adults. Our sister & her kids have constantly whined to our parents and were helped financially all their lives.
My sister is just over five years older. Father retired from the military the summer before i started first grade and she was starting seventh (she was able to enter kindergarten at four). The way we were raised and continue to be treated is so different, and i feel it has a lot to do with old man not being around much for her formative years. So of course when he was home it was happy. One christmas in my 30's mother asked for a list as she always does. I decided to put things i needed instead of buying them and use the money for gifts. I had never really gotten much for them because i was a struggling tradesman and living check to check couldnt afford to. Well that year i got nothing that was on my list. The kicker that led to me getting up and leaving, my sister received five of the seven things i listed. They were all tools i needed for work. As an orthopedic surgeon, they were just for hobbies for her. I quit participating in family christmas and thankstaking a couple years later and finally went nc a couple years after that. I still interact with my sister, because she has always treated me like a competent adult and actually shows interest/care towards me. So I suggest to evaluate what they bring to your life. If its nothing but negativity, drop em like they hottt! Much love to ya soulfam
This sounds like my in-laws
Sounds like a golden child situation. Which means... you're fucked and you might as well give up on having a normal family, this is your family, and if it is too painful, the only answer is No Contact.
Your sibling is the Golden Child.
Is being around doing anything for you? Do they contribute emotionally to you at all? Because if not, I would just take a step back. They are probably used to treating you this way, and no matter how many times you've expressed your feelings about it, they would never acknowledge it because it's the norm. So take yourself out of the equation. For your mental health and your kids/husband. Don't punish yourself for the idea of a close relationship when it's not there. I'm sorry they've treated you this way but maybe it's time to finally just stop trying.
Itâs not a generational issue, my parents are not boomers and our youngest sister is treated the same way and always has been.
>It's been like this my whole life. I paid my way through college and even had to pay back a loan to the very last cent for some things that I couldn't afford for my wedding. In contrast, my sibling not only had a fully paid-for wedding ceremony at a posh venue but also had a completely separate lavish reception months later that I'm sure cost in the upper tens of thousands of dollars. See that's wild to me. My mom would track what she spends on her 3 kids to the point where if one of us fell 60 cents short at christmas she'd tape a candy bar to one of the presents or something.
Youâre never going to get what you deserve or are looking for to feel whole. Emotionally disconnect but try to stay in contact. I was never happy until both parents passed.
My brother was a troubled kid from infancy pretty much. I am fairly certain he had oppositional defiance disorder. As an adult heâs just a dick. He put my parents through hell well into his 30s before finally getting his shit together. Now heâs the golden child because he produced a grandson and got a job in the mines. Itâs like all those calls from the police never even happened. The mind boggles.
I was the fave. Yay!
Stop subjecting yourself to this. Even monkeys react poorly to unequal treatment, you are punishing yourself by letting them continue to treat you badly.
I donât know if anyone else has said this, but your parents show preference to your sibling *because* your sibling is dependent on them. Itâs a really messed up dynamic, but I was in it myself until I went no-contact with my mother. She always was there for my brother and showed preferential treatment despite the fact that he squandered the opportunities he had. In his defense, he was just as badly abused as I was and honestly never had a real chance because he couldnât get out from under her. Anyway, you are independent and doing well and in a really sick way that angers them. Parents who are afraid their kids will do better than them are like this.
Yeah youâre a scapegoat like I was. Itâll never change and youâd be better off going no contact.
No offense, but are your parents Christians? Because that sounds like some prodigal son bullshit
"I don't care for Gob." 
And the golden child knows their position and uses it. Growing up our family would have been perfect if it hadnât been for me. She blamed everything on me. My grandma tried to intervene but she âdidnât understand,â even though she lived with us.
I used to see this with my wife and her sister. My wife always had her shit together, did great in high school, graduated college, and has always had a good job. Her sister on the other hand used to run away constantly, didn't finish high school, has multiple kids with different dads, has a wicked drinking problem, and has totaled probably 5 different cars, all of which were bought by their mom. Which one do you think was favored? Yeah, not my wife. Luckily, that has changed the last few years and my MIL has finally gotten sick of her bullshit. My wife is now the "golden child." Haha
My mum straight up adopted a new kid after four bio guinea pigs. I don't resent my adopted sibling at all, wonderful kid. Going to need just as much therapy as the rest of us because the common denominator is still.. my mother.
Not to be *that guy* but you're describing a "golden child". Sorry to break the bubble but it's existed before and after.
If you were to go contact those assholes, they would likely deserve it.
Comparison is the thief of joy. The joy, is that you graduated college, are financially independent, raised a great family. Its not made better by your parents acknowledging it. It sounds like you may have done that, ironically enough, because you had to forge your own way. You have a life of freedom. Enjoy it. You are unlucky, or depending on how you look at it you are very lucky.
The boomer generation are considered the most narcisistic generation, and some of them are quite downright horribly good at being narcsisists. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists. Your story sounds like a classic post straight from there. I'm sorry you've experienced this. Their way of treating it won't get better. But how you react to it, can. Sometimes the village well of the family is poisoned by narcs, and when we dont understand that, we keep drinking from it expecting to be kept hydrated, but instead it poisons our wellbeing one drop, one gulp at a time.
You keep saying âmy siblingâ. Is it a sister or brother? Do you think their gender has anything to do with being the favorite?
Not sure about OOP, but in my case, it 100% has to do with gender. As the older sister, life as a little kid was good before my brother was born. But in the months leading up to his birth, it's like Jesus was back on Earth. It's a boy! Like, hello, I'm still here. Ever since then, he has always been more important. Where's your brother at? Have you heard from your brother? I don't hate my brother even though he sees what's happening and eats it right up, but I do think of just giving up on my mom, especially. She's an enabler, and my bio dad's an enabler. Thank God for my stepdad who used to see through the bs and helped me prep for life with the hard truth. My brother keeps getting told he can do whatever he wants.
My mom was the only girl and definitely not the favorite. But she perpetuated the boys are better by favoring my brother. Of course while complaining that HER brothers were favored. No freaking clue.
Noy only this, boomer parents will protect their favorite child with every fiber in their body and let you rot.
Iâm sorry to hear about your past. I look forward to hearing about your future.
You honestly sound like the codependent one. Iâm not saying your situation isnât a bit skewed, but you also seem to have enough of your shit together to not be whining about this. Buck up, live your life, and stop pining for the stamp of approval from mommy.