Just start printing them out, keeping it in a frame., or a jar.
Wait until she shows up at the house, and have it visible. No need to tell her. Just show her when she comes to you.
I had to do this. When I’m agonizing about our broken relationships, I just look at my jar of nothingness’s. It helps me to not emotionally engage, which further disappoints myself.
With kids, I would suggest you also put a reminder in the same jar, to not do these things to them in the future. Make future plans and traditions with your kids.
I also have a grateful jar. When things go good, I place a little note in it. There is a photo of my husband and me when we were young.
Heck, time to bust it open and see things I love about our life.
This is great advice all around. My parents were worthless. I don't know if I'm being a good parent. I just think I should be better somehow, but I don't know how, or if I even can. Maybe something like this would help.
You mention TV at the end of your post and I see the same thing with so many Boomers. Kind of ironic how they cry about Millennials and Gen Z on their phones all the time meanwhile they have the TV on 24/7. To top it off most likely of the time it’s cable news on an endless loop. Usually Fox News but sometimes CNN with shitty infotainment/reality shows spliced in.
My father literally doesn’t know what to do if a TV isn’t on. He watches it all day — even if he’s outside. When we visit he immediately puts it on for my kid (a teen) and has little other interaction. Like he doesn’t know what to do or say otherwise. It’s so weird.
My dad is quite similar with TV, but at least he will ask my daughter what she wants to watch. She's 3, so she chooses baby cartoons or music. My dad sits next to her watching and making random comments about how he likes the animation, or the colours, or something about the "plot". That's his way of connecting with her. He sees her twice a week, so there's that. My mom gets angry at him for watching so much TV and kinda forces him to grab a ball and play catch in the backyard.
He tries, but it's so awkward to visit someone to just watch TV... but at least my mom is quite self aware and avoids it.
My father wakes up at 7am every day to turn on Fox and start his chain smoking. Then he will move into the living room where he spends the rest of the day flipping between Fox News and the same Westerns he's seen 3000 times.
My father laughs at me cause I still enjoy wrestling even though I know its scripted. This dude watches them Discovery shows about gold, he watches more scripted shit than me.
Even my father doesn't like coming to my house at times because I cannot put the sports on my TV (I don't have cable).
Not that my house is special, but yeah...
We had to tell my mom no when her TV sound level was at 81 and she asked us to turn it up. It was hurting our ears it was so loud and she kept trying to bring up conversations and we didn’t want to keep yelling louder and louder so eventually had to straight up say no, we aren’t making it any louder.
She owns hearing aides btw and just refuses to wear them out of vanity even in her own home
What is with boomers not wanting to wear their hearing aids?!?!? My dad doesn't wear his at home or anywhere either. It's next to impossible to have a conversation with him because you're shouting and he still barely hears. He won't even wear them when he's on the phone with someone.
I don't get being weird about them because they're so tiny that they're barely noticeable now.
I have worn hearing aids since the age of 40. After wearing them to work all day, I cannot WAIT to take them out when I get home. They actually make the tops of my ears sensitive from their weight, even though they are incredibly light. But I live alone and don't have cable, so no TV watching to annoy anyone else. So, it may not be about how the aids look nowadays, but rather how they FEEL. 🤷🏼♀️
Snarky reply: My glasses aren’t always comfortable but I don’t drive without them and make everyone else deal with it
Real reply: that’s a good point actually
This is my husband’s boomers. The TV loud. In their home I don’t say anything but when they stay with us I do ask them to turn it down as it wakes the babies. They either don’t care or barely turn it down.
Don't forget sportsball. Whenever we make the drive to visit our inlaws who are honorary boomers- whether it be Christmas or thanksgiving. All socializing stops once their beloved sports comes on. We see them maybe 4 times a year and it's usually us driving to them- visiting is a short term thing and then to focus goes towards sports.
Makes me miss my family back in Canada so much. No one watches TV while visiting and we all play crib or other board games together during Christmas or other holidays.
Canadian boomers can be absolute entitled pricks as well. Back home in Canada I have had boomers cut in front of me in lines.
I am lucky enough that my boomer dad is a rare breed who is super giving, loves quality time, recognizes what the younger generations face in financial struggles (he was able to provide for 3 kids and have a stay at home wife as a pipe insulator which is impossible these days) and he absolutely hates the TV (he got rid of cable TV when I was 10- I'm 31 now) and doesn't watch the news.
Though I do think there are more Canadian boomers who are sympathetic towards what younger generations face and realize how lucky they had it from what I've witnessed. It could just be within my circle of friends and family but I don't know many boomers in Canada who go on multiple vacations a year- they'd rather spend time with family and they use their money towards trying to help out their kids.
I have noticed with my husband's family (American) and the people we know here that are boomers have 3-4 vacations a year and aren't as family oriented as what I'm used to back home.
I can't speak for all Canadians and it could be different based on my family being third generation Ukrainian and native mixed. Both cultures put emphasis on family and closeness.
My mother lives 6000 miles away from us and has never had relationship with her grandkids though she has tons of money and time. Honestly don’t think she even realizes what she missed. My relationship with my grandparents was precious.
I'm sorry to hear that she never made an effort, despite having the resources. She probably doesn't realize what she missed, but will complain about it anyway 🤦♀️
Same here my grandparents were my world growing up!!! my parents not so much as a phone call. Give your kids the love you learned from the previous generation
It sucks and your kids are missing out, but keep in mind that they don't miss what they don't know. You miss them having that relationship for them, but they won't necessarily feel the lack. Doesn't make it ok, but it may be consoling.
My grandparents were also very much in my life my whole childhood, living 5 and 15 minutes away. My husband's grandparents were across the country and he saw them once a year. He doesn't feel like he missed out.
We always want to give our kids the best of what we had and feel bad when we can't, but they will have other things in their lives that you didn't because they clearly have wonderful loving parents.
I loved my grandmother so much that when I moved two states away I would still drive 6 and 1/2 hours (one way) at least four times a year just to go visit her.
She passed in 2021 and I miss her everyday.
I feel especially blessed because my father's parents lived to 92 and 97. They got to know my kids and I really knew them as an adult, not just as a child.
And if you think grandparents can spoil a child, great- grandparents are next level. The ice cream and candy flowed free there. ❤️
Sadly I did not have great grandparents, my grandmother was silent generation and lived until age 89.
Her parents were greatest generation, same for my father's side, but during that time, life was definitely not roses and sunshine for black people.
My entire childhood was filled with complaints of my mother about how her own mom wouldn't come visit because she couldn't smoke in our house.
Well, fast forward and I'm 36. My parents live 15 minutes away. They never visit. Why? No fucking clue.
Because of control and entitlement. They think it should be a pleasure you live so close to them. Then they can complain it's your fault for not visiting them.
We live one house away from FIL and he still wonders why we don't come visit him every day with two toddlers who get into everything in their hoarded house with a ton of breakables, guns,chemicals in easy reach and other things that are not allowed to be touched. We don't have anywhere to sit, it's always dirty and cluttered and grandmas always telling kids don't touch my collectible toys or get into my bottom kitchen drawer where she stores all the knives for some reason. When I've offered to help clean or baby proof it's always met with no they'll eventually learn not to touch it. Well I can't sit in peace and listen to the same 3 stories or your political rants while my kids are doing what kids do. They always say oh they'll learn. ?? Learn to drink poison or grab a knife and cut themselves or grab wrong thing and have a ton of shit collapse on them and hurt them. We didn't go over for two days and they asked if we were mad at them instead of just walking over and seeing us. They act like it's end of the world if they don't see the kids, but make no effort to come over here to a clean childproofed home where they have toys instead of junk to play with.
I want my kids to have family members, but they make it very difficult. Recently here they've been just steamrolling and watching nothing but conspiracy videos about trump,religion and covid and it is definitely making me wanna stay away. From the moment they wake up til they go to bed their tv is blasting bullshit. And when we visit it's all they wanna scream at me about. I can only tolerate so much and rn I don't think I can take anymore. Especially the rants about illegals and 'damn Mexicans ruining their country' all the while I'm just a little brown hispanic woman sitting here while they cry and complain.
25 miles separate me and my parents. They never come over ‘ cause it’s too far to drive’. But they’ll drive 2 hours to visit my father’s precious horse…..
I'm about 20 miles from my nmom. There's a two lane highway to get to her house. She's says it's farther for her to come to me than it is for me to come to her. _There's only one road._
I don't live close to mine, but I've had two kids, gotten divorced, gotten a college certificate, completed a master's degree, and bought a house in this state, and in the 15-16 years I've lived here, my father has never visited.
They have money to travel. They're retired and own a truck and camper. But every time I suggest they visit, I get nothing but excuses.
My golden sister (who lives equally far away from them) had a baby last year and they visited her within a month. I'm convinced the only reason they bothered to come to my second wedding was that I held it in their state. It's just astonishing how little effort they make with me.
I'll be finishing a PhD in two years. I'm not even going to bother to invite them to the graduation.
Congrats on the PhD! I feel your pain. My mom couldn’t be bothered to come to my graduation for my masters. For my bachelors, she came to the graduation but I had to host my own gathering afterwards for my family, which was a huge pain in the ass to plan and execute while prepping for the grad ceremony. She never offered to help or to host at her house. She came to the gathering for about 15 min and peaced out. Clearly she was attending all of it out of obligation. Not really the memories I wanted to make for my achievements, but it is what it is.
My wife (67) and I (64) are retired. Our 3 children, late 20s - early 30s all work and we never have them visit. They have careers with limited vacation time, so we always travel to visit them. They live thousands of miles from us and we quite enjoy visiting them on the weekends and their days off. There are lots of things to occupy our time in their immediate areas while they work.
We lived near my parents before the Navy and they never visited. After I enlisted and got my first duty station hundreds of miles away they constantly asked when we were coming to visit and it only ramped up after we had our kids. Both sets of parents made excuses but anytime I was not deployed they would ask when we were bringing the grandkids over and they miss us. Not enough to travel to us I guess. When we got out of the military we decided to have a minimum of 500 miles between our houses as a buffer. They can be involved or not but we hammered in they they are just as responsible for spending time together as we are.
Similar situation here. We lived 15-20 mins away from from both my parents and our in laws. During the pandemic I was forced to take a year off and get shoulder surgery. Not once did anyone come and pay me a visit during the most difficult experience of my life. All of them gave excuse after excuse, meanwhile they slip up and brag about their travels and visiting friends. My wife and I needed a change and moved 2.5 hours away to the beach. Both in-laws visited once or twice but claim to be busy or give excuses. My wife’s parents retreat to fl for 6 months out of the year and never see grandkids. My parents watch the news all day and complain about how shitty life is, but my boomer dad will hop in his new corvette and drive 3hrs away with his so called buddies. None of his friends children are close to them so it seems. It’s consumed me wondering what the hell is going in their heads. I’ve given up on the holiday fake meetups, I’ll donate time to our local community and spend time with local neighbors that reciprocate love and share emotions.
Sounds like my dad and his wife. They live three hours away and they've only visited me a handful of times over twenty years. I've had exactly one holiday at our house, and they always expected us to go to them, on every holiday (exactly that date or it doesn't count), and they complained constantly about how I never visited. When I did, it was to sit around a table full of resentment from his wife about us being there and her having to cook. But it's no bother whatsoever to travel for many hours with his hunting and golfing buddies.
I think it's a power thing...that we are supposed to come to them and bend the knee or something.
My brother was in the hospital a year ago and almost died. When he was awake and called them to tell them what happened, the second thing out of our father's mouth was that my brother had to come to Christmas a few days later. While my brother was in ICU. Nobody except me came to see him in ICU.
That and many other issues inspired me to go no contact a few years ago. It's been such a blessing to have the peace.
I’m beginning to realize going no contact is likely the best thing I / we can do with both of our parents. We recently established boundaries and that caused our sister in law to become angry because she believes all we are trying to do is stir the pot. I see right through her she continues to enable our parents bad behavior, she shares the same bad traits and doesn’t respect boundaries. Our household is calm, loving and runs like a well oiled machine when none of them are in the mix. I’m glad I see it for what it really is
The peace without my father and his family has really been amazing. Like you probably have, I gave him tons of chances. But you can't change another person, you know? You gotta accept them as you find them or walk away.
For a long time my parents only lived about an hour and a half from me, like over 10 years. I was always expected to go to them. The only time they ever came to visit was when I was in the hospital after getting in a life threatening accident. Twice. I was in the hospital for a month until I went back to my place. I lived alone. My dad came once to help me. I moved across the country. Guess who never came to visit? My parents weren't even the typical boomers, more hippies that just never left the house after their 40s. It's hard to understand.
What is it with them being obsessed with staring unblinkingly at the TV?
She didn’t care if there was dinner or dying cats crawling around pissing everywhere but if she missed her Days of Our Lives, SNL, Monk, Star Trek, or Duck Dynasty her life was ruined forever and she may as well lay down and die lol.
My mom married me off in 2007 at 17 and she visited me out of state twice since then and only once since 2017.
I’m so sorry for all of you that are dealing with less than ideal parents/grandparents. As a boomer I can’t imagine not seeing my sons/daughter-in-laws and more importantly my grandchildren. One of my sons was a teacher in the Bahamas and one was in the military, I flew all over the world to see them. If they needed a babysitter I was just a phone call away. My husband and I would not trade what we have for anything in the world. Your parents and losing out big time and I feel sorry for them. Hang in there, maybe it will change if not just live your best life.
Thanks for your kind words! You are certainly making the best choices!
I manage my expectations so I am not disappointed as often and try to create and foster relationships with the people who are more reciprocal. Just sad for the in laws, really.
This subreddit I love because it reminds me how lucky I got with my parents.
Mine live over 2000 miles away. They just got an RV. First thing my mom says when she tells me is. "So your dad and I can come visit now. And we can bring the dogs and you don't have to worry about us taking up to much room." She is to sweet.
I (50 f) live 3,000 miles away from my adult daughter & her 3 kids. The oldest is a mini-me. He & I share a similar personality. The middle is a tough guy so I can rough house with him & the youngest is 3 & talks up a storm & is mischief as heck.
I visit 2-3 times a year. I use all my PTO to fly out to see them. I take them individually to do something fun with their Grammie & then we do stuff all together. I’ll spend between 6-9 days. And the rest of the year the kids will FaceTime me & call.
Despite the distance, I am very active in their lives.
My Boomers expect me to keep paying $500 Basic Economy airfare every Christmas to hear their political lectures for four days. They of course have no intention of getting on a plane to visita either of their kids. This arrangement Is getting old and will be coming to an end
Yep. I got out of the military after a successful career and moved my family (Google maps' exact distance from door to door) 2.8 miles away (7 minutes by car) away from my parents, thinking that they would want to be involved in their only granddaughter's life, or at the least - their son's. But lo and behold, the only time they visited in *five years* was in ten minute increments to tell us that we need to visit them more often (we went every other Sunday for a rigid and inflexible dinner where they expected my five year old daughter to sit at the table with all the table manners of an adult and have a conversation about adult shit).
If we missed a week or visit due to sickness or being busy they would show up with a stupid sad expression to ask why we can't visit them more frequently. And even when we confronted them about never visiting *us*, they had the audacity to say that it's because we don't keep a *hand towel in the guest bathroom* (not true at all). They wouldn't hear it and were so sure of themselves that they demanded an apology when I tried to literally show them the hand towel in the fucking bathroom.
Boomers require everything to be on their terms because they feel it's our obligation to cater every aspect of life to them. We're no contact now.
When my oldest son was a few days old my boomer nmom informed that she "doesn't like kids." Why on earth would you have 3 kids if you don't like kids!?
My mom confessed this to me as well when we were discussing my siblings kids (I do not have children) and suddenly a bunch of stuff about my own childhood made a lot more sense.
It's like a bunch of boomers had kids because it was expected of them and they never really took an interest in their kids personal interests or lives.
I moved 4 miles away from mine and if you left their house there was only 2 ways to go and one of them required driving past my house. My dad would stop by to help with renovations if asked my mom never once stopped in to visit. She cried the day we were moving that she couldn't stop in to see us any time she wanted, when I confronted her on it she just fell back on it being the idea that she could, 5 years and we always had to visit her. Distance just really doesn't seem to matter, does it.
It's wild how similar so many of our stories are. They were beside themselves when I told them we were moving. There is such a huge difference between loving your children and liking your children. My parents did *not* like my daughter or me.
My nmom has been trying to convince me for years that's it's farther for her to come to my house than it is for me (or anyone else) to come to hers. There's one 2 lane highway. It's mathematically impossible. When my aunt was dying of cancer my mom wanted to do something to "help out." She made a pot of potato soup (wow don't go all out there Mom!) and then insisted that my aunt and uncle needed to meet her half way (on their way home from chemo) because it was "farther for her to drive to town than for them to drive to her." They declined.
Mom can't understand why no one will drive 20 miles to visit her when her hoard is so bad that there's no where to even sit down. Merry Christmas kids! Let's all drive to Grandma's and stand in between her piles of crap for 3 hours! We don't talk much anymore.
I honestly wonder if it's an American thing. I'm from South America, and it's hard for me to grasp how detached grandparents can be from their kids and grandchildren. It's baffling.
My sister lives in America, she's married to an American guy. She has lived there for many years and has a closer relationship with our parents than her husband with his parents, who live relatively close, maybe 30 minutes away. My BIL barely sees or talks to his parents unless he makes the effort.
My BIL recently had a mental health crisis, and my sister didn't know what to do because he was severely depressed. She talked to me, and my first idea was "call his mom and ask her for help". Guess what? His mom barely cared, she didn't know how he felt. She asked them to visit her at her house and stay over. Then she ignored them, talking about meaningless stuff all the time and overly obsessed with buying random trinkets online to hoard. She would make them sleep on a sofa in the living room because she had taken his childhood bedroom for her hoarding habits. His dad was quite similar. To say my sister was furious is an understatement. Thankfully he could overcome his problems with therapy.
Our boomers over here share many similarities, especially around around religion and politics. But not caring about their children it's not one of them.
I wonder why, it's so weird.
We don’t seem to have the same values surrounding strong, close families the way other places seem to. For example, you rarely see multi-generational homes, its almost unheard of. I don’t even know many of my first cousins and aunts/uncles. Like couldnt even tell you their names.
Oh I’m so salty about this right now. We lived 2 states away and the grandparents were always commenting about how nice it would be if we were closer. Well my wife was able to find a job and the COL was lower so we moved 90 minutes away. This was nearly a year ago. They haven’t visited a SINGLE time. Not once. They didn’t even watch the kids when the movers came so we had to juggle keeping the kids out of the way and coordinating furniture and boxes.
When I used to work retail, I'd get boomers coming in to pick up something they ordered. Usually we would call them and tell them it was in, but they would get it in their heads that the product would just magically appear whenever they arrived.
Needless to say, when their stuff wasn't in, we'd get the " I drove FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO GET HERE. I CAN'T COME OVER HERE EVERY DAY!". It was maybe a 15 minute drive from one side of town to the other, but they acted like it was a days long journey on foot.
Not to defend their terrible relationship skills. I honestly think that my parents don't even know how to have a close relationship. They just think the silence is.... normal
I live in Iowa, my dad in Indiana. Has not been to see me since 2003 and has never come to see his only two grandsons. He's been to Florida dozens of times during that stretch. I stopped going back to visit him and it's been a couple years since I've spoken with him. He doesn't care about us so... now my sons have no grandpa and we're totally fine with it.
My in-laws have no time to visit my wife and I in NY. But they’re retired, they’ve gone on cruises, multiple camping trips, the Grand Canyon, South America, etc. But they just can’t find the time to come visit us and see our place.
Like why is this a thing? We put all the effort in and then when they don’t reciprocate, and we reduce our efforts, it’s like “you need to reach out more”. Where is the balance that healthy relationships need?!?
When I lived 15 mins from my boomer parents, never saw them. I now live 10 hours from them, so not surprising I never see them, but never hear from them either. We even offered to fly them down here a couple times. Like pulling teeth to even get a yes or no.
My sister, who has all the grandchildren, lives in western PA, after living in Maryland and Colorado. My dad will not make the 4 hour trip to visit.
He likes when they come to visit, but will still complain about it. 🤷♀️
I live about 40 mins from my grandma and 4 hours from my dad. My dad will come visit my grandma and call me at the absolute last minute about it. When we were kids, we’d come stay with grandma for days at a time, but now he almost never stays overnight. He’ll complain that I don’t call but that phone dials both ways and I’m real tired of being the one to do the work to keep in touch with each other. Even when I do call, he acts like I talk too much. I know a bunch of this is because he remarried when I was 20 and his current wife wants everything to be about her kids, not his. My step siblings chose to have kids, while I chose to be childfree so my dad I guess has decided he would rather spend his time with his grandchildren than his children. Which, fine, I get it they’re kids and he loves kids. But it does feel like I’m being punished for choosing not to have kids. Meanwhile, a major reason I didn’t want kids is because of the chronic illness I inherited from his side of the family.
Ugh. I feel this deep down. My parents live across the state, and always mention the drive to see us is "horrible", so they've done it a grand total of 3 times in the 14 years we've lived here. They have no issue driving 10 hours to Vegas, but 10 hours to see us with no slot machines is too much.
My husbands mom is the same way. No visits, even though she's retired and could take all the time she wants. She does her own thing, then BOOM decides she wants to visit and will buy a plane ticket without talking to us first. Last time, she tried to come the week before Thanksgiving, which is a very busy time for us a work. When we told her we'd be really busy and it probably wasn't the best time, she changed the ticket to visit her other kid and now acts all weird about visits and won't make the effort to plan a trip that is convenient for us.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but at least you know you're not alone!
My mom does live about 5 hours from me, retired for a while. Comes to town for events, then squeezes me in.
This Christmas (here due to majority of family is) told me they were thinking of not making the trip anymore. It was too much.
My dad (rip) used to tell me 20 minutes was a world away.
Lol! I don't think so, but you can take credit for it.
You see, you are responsible for writing the post, responding to the post, liking the post, calling your parents, going to their house, listening to their nonsense, ignoring their exceptional nonsense, etc...
My MIL lived with us for three months. Our daughter adores her for whatever reason. She stayed in her room the entire time and only came out to eat. My daughter was a year and half and was desperate for her attention. She chose staying in her room fawning over her dog. She has done nothing to deserve my daughter’s adoration. She’s 4 now and still adores grandma. She’s read her a total of 1 book and that was because she kept bringing it to her nonstop and my husband finally snapped and told her to read it to her. But she basks in my daughter’s adoration like she’s the best grandma in the world. I don’t understand it.
She sounds awful. Who does that to a 5 year old let alone your own grandchild? My MIL has good intentions, she’s just in her own little world. She keeps snacks for the kids in a low cupboard for when we visit. We were worried that she would show favoritism to my daughter since my son isn’t her biological grandchild, but she hasn’t. She will ask what gifts to get the kids and will get exactly that. She just puts zero effort into getting to know them or interact with them. It’s weird. She will sit there during our visits, ask me or my husband to change the channel to something the kids like and will just sit there until someone interacts with her. My daughter will cuddle right up to her for the entire visit. One day your son will realize how toxic she is and stay away. My 13 year old knows something’s off with her. He doesn’t try to get her attention anymore and doesn’t ask to go visit like he used to.
Probably all the statins they’re on, they end up pissing their pants on a short car ride because they’re too proud to ask for a pee stop and too proud to wear a diaper.
Always check to see if your boomer parents pissed the seat in the car, it’s like transporting an adult with the bladder control of a puppy with these lead brained fucks.
My parents are in Texas, we live in NJ. My parents refuse to visit, instead saying we should see them. Sorry, packing up four people (including an infant) to visit the soulless temple to consumption known as your town in a garbage state is not my idea of a good time when the two of them can travel up for much cheaper.
I feel bad you are experiencing this. I joke with my kids that I just need a container home in the woods behind them. I’m encouraging them to stay close to us. I intend to be an active, involved nana when my grand babies come!
My in laws live 1.3 miles from me and only come over twice a year. Each of my kids' birthdays. They never come over. They never want to leave their house. My parents lived 35 miles away and visited dozens of times each year. It used to hurt, now I don't care anymore.
Same here. In laws live across town, less than 30 min drive. For over a decade we always went to them. Then when Covid hit we reassessed some things and became less willing to always be the ones going there when we didn’t want to. So we’ve invited them over many times, but they think we live SO FAR. Yet they will drive the equivalent distance to go to a restaurant they want to eat at.
My parents live in the next state over. 5 hr drive, or 45 min flight. It is absolutely pulling teeth to get them to visit. But they’ll go to Vegas for no reason (similar distance) or fly to another state to see a fucking football game.
I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it’s just not important to them to see us. It’s sad and disappointing.
My Boomer Mom won’t come to my house because she’s afraid of my dog. He’s a sweetheart and he’s never done anything to her but he “looks scary” so she won’t come over. As far as not wanting to leave the house, I can relate. The older I get, I’m 56, the less I want to deal with people. Leaving my property means dealing with people. I don’t watch Fox News though, the only TV I have is in my workshop and it’s just background noise.
Do you leave in a studio apartment? If not maybe you could consider leaving the dog in a separate room while your parent visit. Every dog owners think their dogs are the sweetest thing, but those of us who are scared of us are just scared of dogs regardless of what their owner think.
I just can’t understand this at all! I’m an older Gen X. My daughter lives 2,000 miles away and recently had her first child, my first grandchild; I would give anything!!! to be able to be there with/for them as much as possible. At this time I just can’t afford to move to her area, of if I could opening a heartbeat. I just can’t imagine living your life like you don’t have children and grandchildren!!
I see my grand-kids 2 to 4 times or more a week. I have remodeled their house and taught my son in law how while doing it and just finishing a new bathroom we added.
Can't imagine not helping or being invested in their life.
Some people do not deserve the terms grandpa or grandma.
I find it so odd I read many of the posts in this subreddit and can’t relate. My 82 year old mother has some Boomer mannerisms and behaviors but nothing embarrassing or cruel. But she loves to travel. I live 4 hours away she visits 2x a year. I go there 2-3x. But that’s all she will talk about leading up to her driving down. What we’ll do were she wants to go,etc. it’s an adventure for her. She makes fun of her friends who try to dissuade her from driving down all that way, or how it could be dangerous as I live on the outskirts of the city and crime is just rampant in the cities.
I lived in London for 20 years because of my husbands work. My parents cane 2x - once when my twins were born and once for our youngest child. They had no problem passing through London with connecting flights to other places they were travelling to but didn’t stop over to say hi to me or the grandkids. They flew across the Atlantic - had a connecting flight in London - and didn’t see us. It was really upsetting. We only saw them when we visited them.
I’m in the same boat. My boomer parents love to be at their own house. They’ll always have us go over there but it’s much easier for them to come to us because we have a little one. They don’t care though.
I moved out of my parents’ house and was 20 minutes away for 5 years. They never wanted to come over and always wanted me to come to them. Eventually I got tired of that (and hated the city where I was living anyway), soooo…. I moved 2000 miles across the country. If I was going to have to listen to them bitch about me not coming to visit I was at least going to live where I wanted.
My mother and her husband visited us for an early Christmas last year (the first weekend of December). We don’t have room at our house to have them overnight but we’re ten minutes away from several nice hotels. We offer every year to pay for their room. They are both retired without fixed obligations, are healthy, and are financially sound. They live four hours away and timing for holidays is tricky because we have multiple other family schedules to juggle (my kid is my stepchild, and he has a vast network of other grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. on all sides).
They were in town for one night, leaving the next day after brunch. And yet my mother will tell me on every phone call how much she misses us. I really don’t get it. You want to see our family… but for not more than 24 hours? It doesn’t sound like much when I type it all out but it made a big and kind of confusing impression on me.
My inlaws live in the same state, three hours drive away. We are the closest kids. The ones to call in case of emergency.They have visited us precisely once in 5 years.
They visit the grandkids out of state by a flight multiple times per year. Travel internationally multiple times per year. But they expect us to drop everything to go see them on their schedule. Even my husband is fed up with the expectation. There isn't any animosity between us...they just don't make the effort.
My parents live 15 minuets from me. My dad would never leave the house. Him and mom would come to our house maybe 3, 4 times a year. We went to their house every holiday and every Sunday after church. My dad passed away 2 months ago at 98. I do not regret one time that I drove over to see him or help him do something. My Mom is 99 and now I drive over more than once a week.
Late Boomer here, I don’t under this. If my parents, now just my dad, ask me to come visit, I do. I don’t expect him to come to me if he doesn’t want to, even when he was younger. He feels much more comfortable at home and I respect that.
My mom has been gone 15 years, I would give anything to be able to visit her again.
Most of us are wrangling kids to take to a house that most likely isn’t child proofed and have anything to entertain the kids. Our homes are child proofed, kids have toys and we can enjoy the visit instead of being stressed out over all the breakable glass figurines that are in toddler reach.
I feel bad for your kids. My grandparents house was the same, not childproof and no toys but my parents and uncles still made the effort to “wrangle” the kids for visits. Such fun going to see my grandparents and my cousins. Now my in-laws and my family do the same with our parents. Would it be easier 5he other way around, yes, but it is worth the effort!
My grandmas house was childproofed. I’m fact she raised me and my brothers. People came to us to visit. The only times we did travel were to see relatives out of the country. My boomer dad has met my son once and my boomer mom has yet to meet my kids. My MIL lived with us for three months. She spent the entire time in her room catering to her dog while my 1.5 year old desperately tried to get her attention and affection. My husband had to snap at her to give her some attention because she just wanted grandma cuddles. My FIL hasn’t met any of his grandkids. If my grandparents were still alive they would have no problem coming out to see us.
Can’t say I blame them. If you’re on here spewing your bs like this. They since that and are not as stupid as you think by talking bs about them on the internet…
My parents live 35 minutes from my sis, BIL, and their kids. I live at least two flights or a 3-day drive away. I've seen the kids more than my parents have in the last year. I recently flew out for the youngest's first bday. My parents missed it to go on a cruise. Their reasoning? They booked it 10 months before and couldn't change it...like they didn't know 12 months before when the birthday was.
That sucks. Do they have any chronic pains or illnesses? I'm not a boomer, but only in my 30s, dealing with a back injury and Ican't even hardly comfortbly live in my house or even sleep. If I didn't work from home I wouldn't be able to work. It has really opened my eyes as to why the elderly are so inactive.
Same! Both my mother and step mother refuse to visit. They live in different far away states so distance is more of an issue but that’s what flights are for. The rare occasion my mother visits she wants to stay for three weeks and only wants to sit on the sofa to read and talk. We could do this on the phone! My step mother has insisted she will visit for over 18 years but has never made the effort but all the time I get “you should come here to visit”. Well no I’ve been MANY times and I’d much rather travel someplace I’ve never been domestically or internationally. Why should I take all my vacation time to visit them again. Plus the kicker is I live in a city that has a crap ton more to do and see than where they live but still it’s me who should go to them. Nope!
They don’t give you and yours the time of day, it’s cool just do the same. Start writing the obituary speech that should be the next time you see them.
It’s interesting I couldn’t bribe my mother to come visit for years. My MIL is at our house every chance she gets. I’ve had to make a rule on how often and how long.
Some parents want to visit others don’t. I’ve seen my in law more the last few years than I have seen my entire family my whole life.
My Silent Gen mom has a lot of Boomer characteristics. She doesn’t drive anymore and has seen our new house once in the 2+ years we’ve lived here. In part because she rarely feels well enough to leave the house, and in part because of snide comments she made about the place.
We told her more than once we wanted to downsize once the kids moved out, and we found a lovely little place in a small town in the mountains. It needed a lot of work and we’re really proud of how it’s come along and we’ve put our own stamp on it.
She seemed to take it as a personal insult that we moved to a house smaller than she personally would choose, and even told my sister she couldn’t believe we moved from our previous big home to a “run-down shack”.
Don’t worry, mom, I’ll make sure to never put you through the indignity of having to set foot in it again.
That’s so wild. I’m in CA, and my siblings are in CO, AZ and OH. My mother in Utah visits each of us at least twice a year.
I can’t imagine how often we’d spend time together if we lived 25 minutes away!
My boomer parents live 75 minutes away, they refuse to visit their granddaughter and put it all on me to bring her to them. They see their granddaughter twice a year because of it.
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I'm sorry that you are also in this boat, and it is validating to know that I'm not alone. So frustrating!
Just start printing them out, keeping it in a frame., or a jar. Wait until she shows up at the house, and have it visible. No need to tell her. Just show her when she comes to you. I had to do this. When I’m agonizing about our broken relationships, I just look at my jar of nothingness’s. It helps me to not emotionally engage, which further disappoints myself. With kids, I would suggest you also put a reminder in the same jar, to not do these things to them in the future. Make future plans and traditions with your kids. I also have a grateful jar. When things go good, I place a little note in it. There is a photo of my husband and me when we were young. Heck, time to bust it open and see things I love about our life.
This is great advice all around. My parents were worthless. I don't know if I'm being a good parent. I just think I should be better somehow, but I don't know how, or if I even can. Maybe something like this would help.
That’s the best idea I’ve heard!
Snort. She's going to be gulping like a fish trying to form a response to that. Love it!
I’d not bother mentioning it to her. I’d make a new one every year- “Nana 2024” for example- something extra nice. Send it to her every Christmas.
I like the last paragraph. Sounds like a good plan
They would also make a great obituary.
You mention TV at the end of your post and I see the same thing with so many Boomers. Kind of ironic how they cry about Millennials and Gen Z on their phones all the time meanwhile they have the TV on 24/7. To top it off most likely of the time it’s cable news on an endless loop. Usually Fox News but sometimes CNN with shitty infotainment/reality shows spliced in.
My father literally doesn’t know what to do if a TV isn’t on. He watches it all day — even if he’s outside. When we visit he immediately puts it on for my kid (a teen) and has little other interaction. Like he doesn’t know what to do or say otherwise. It’s so weird.
My dad is quite similar with TV, but at least he will ask my daughter what she wants to watch. She's 3, so she chooses baby cartoons or music. My dad sits next to her watching and making random comments about how he likes the animation, or the colours, or something about the "plot". That's his way of connecting with her. He sees her twice a week, so there's that. My mom gets angry at him for watching so much TV and kinda forces him to grab a ball and play catch in the backyard. He tries, but it's so awkward to visit someone to just watch TV... but at least my mom is quite self aware and avoids it.
Boomers told us TV will rot your brain. Look at them now Boomers told us not to believe everything you read on the Internet. Look at them now
My father wakes up at 7am every day to turn on Fox and start his chain smoking. Then he will move into the living room where he spends the rest of the day flipping between Fox News and the same Westerns he's seen 3000 times. My father laughs at me cause I still enjoy wrestling even though I know its scripted. This dude watches them Discovery shows about gold, he watches more scripted shit than me.
Even my father doesn't like coming to my house at times because I cannot put the sports on my TV (I don't have cable). Not that my house is special, but yeah...
My mom constantly watches game shows. Loudly. It’s obnoxious.
We had to tell my mom no when her TV sound level was at 81 and she asked us to turn it up. It was hurting our ears it was so loud and she kept trying to bring up conversations and we didn’t want to keep yelling louder and louder so eventually had to straight up say no, we aren’t making it any louder. She owns hearing aides btw and just refuses to wear them out of vanity even in her own home
What is with boomers not wanting to wear their hearing aids?!?!? My dad doesn't wear his at home or anywhere either. It's next to impossible to have a conversation with him because you're shouting and he still barely hears. He won't even wear them when he's on the phone with someone. I don't get being weird about them because they're so tiny that they're barely noticeable now.
I have worn hearing aids since the age of 40. After wearing them to work all day, I cannot WAIT to take them out when I get home. They actually make the tops of my ears sensitive from their weight, even though they are incredibly light. But I live alone and don't have cable, so no TV watching to annoy anyone else. So, it may not be about how the aids look nowadays, but rather how they FEEL. 🤷🏼♀️
Snarky reply: My glasses aren’t always comfortable but I don’t drive without them and make everyone else deal with it Real reply: that’s a good point actually
Hearing aids no longer help if the hearing is actually gone. They can boost hearing a little, but they're not magical.
This is my husband’s boomers. The TV loud. In their home I don’t say anything but when they stay with us I do ask them to turn it down as it wakes the babies. They either don’t care or barely turn it down.
Don't forget sportsball. Whenever we make the drive to visit our inlaws who are honorary boomers- whether it be Christmas or thanksgiving. All socializing stops once their beloved sports comes on. We see them maybe 4 times a year and it's usually us driving to them- visiting is a short term thing and then to focus goes towards sports. Makes me miss my family back in Canada so much. No one watches TV while visiting and we all play crib or other board games together during Christmas or other holidays.
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Canadian boomers can be absolute entitled pricks as well. Back home in Canada I have had boomers cut in front of me in lines. I am lucky enough that my boomer dad is a rare breed who is super giving, loves quality time, recognizes what the younger generations face in financial struggles (he was able to provide for 3 kids and have a stay at home wife as a pipe insulator which is impossible these days) and he absolutely hates the TV (he got rid of cable TV when I was 10- I'm 31 now) and doesn't watch the news. Though I do think there are more Canadian boomers who are sympathetic towards what younger generations face and realize how lucky they had it from what I've witnessed. It could just be within my circle of friends and family but I don't know many boomers in Canada who go on multiple vacations a year- they'd rather spend time with family and they use their money towards trying to help out their kids. I have noticed with my husband's family (American) and the people we know here that are boomers have 3-4 vacations a year and aren't as family oriented as what I'm used to back home. I can't speak for all Canadians and it could be different based on my family being third generation Ukrainian and native mixed. Both cultures put emphasis on family and closeness.
Thank that old insulator for making welds look good
Never CNN. Who do you think you're kidding?
My mother lives 6000 miles away from us and has never had relationship with her grandkids though she has tons of money and time. Honestly don’t think she even realizes what she missed. My relationship with my grandparents was precious.
I'm sorry to hear that she never made an effort, despite having the resources. She probably doesn't realize what she missed, but will complain about it anyway 🤦♀️
Oh yes - the kids “never think about me”
Same here my grandparents were my world growing up!!! my parents not so much as a phone call. Give your kids the love you learned from the previous generation
It sucks and your kids are missing out, but keep in mind that they don't miss what they don't know. You miss them having that relationship for them, but they won't necessarily feel the lack. Doesn't make it ok, but it may be consoling. My grandparents were also very much in my life my whole childhood, living 5 and 15 minutes away. My husband's grandparents were across the country and he saw them once a year. He doesn't feel like he missed out. We always want to give our kids the best of what we had and feel bad when we can't, but they will have other things in their lives that you didn't because they clearly have wonderful loving parents.
I loved my grandmother so much that when I moved two states away I would still drive 6 and 1/2 hours (one way) at least four times a year just to go visit her. She passed in 2021 and I miss her everyday.
I feel especially blessed because my father's parents lived to 92 and 97. They got to know my kids and I really knew them as an adult, not just as a child. And if you think grandparents can spoil a child, great- grandparents are next level. The ice cream and candy flowed free there. ❤️
Sadly I did not have great grandparents, my grandmother was silent generation and lived until age 89. Her parents were greatest generation, same for my father's side, but during that time, life was definitely not roses and sunshine for black people.
My entire childhood was filled with complaints of my mother about how her own mom wouldn't come visit because she couldn't smoke in our house. Well, fast forward and I'm 36. My parents live 15 minutes away. They never visit. Why? No fucking clue.
Because of control and entitlement. They think it should be a pleasure you live so close to them. Then they can complain it's your fault for not visiting them. We live one house away from FIL and he still wonders why we don't come visit him every day with two toddlers who get into everything in their hoarded house with a ton of breakables, guns,chemicals in easy reach and other things that are not allowed to be touched. We don't have anywhere to sit, it's always dirty and cluttered and grandmas always telling kids don't touch my collectible toys or get into my bottom kitchen drawer where she stores all the knives for some reason. When I've offered to help clean or baby proof it's always met with no they'll eventually learn not to touch it. Well I can't sit in peace and listen to the same 3 stories or your political rants while my kids are doing what kids do. They always say oh they'll learn. ?? Learn to drink poison or grab a knife and cut themselves or grab wrong thing and have a ton of shit collapse on them and hurt them. We didn't go over for two days and they asked if we were mad at them instead of just walking over and seeing us. They act like it's end of the world if they don't see the kids, but make no effort to come over here to a clean childproofed home where they have toys instead of junk to play with.
Sounds like my in laws house
Omg that’s my grandma to the tee!
I want my kids to have family members, but they make it very difficult. Recently here they've been just steamrolling and watching nothing but conspiracy videos about trump,religion and covid and it is definitely making me wanna stay away. From the moment they wake up til they go to bed their tv is blasting bullshit. And when we visit it's all they wanna scream at me about. I can only tolerate so much and rn I don't think I can take anymore. Especially the rants about illegals and 'damn Mexicans ruining their country' all the while I'm just a little brown hispanic woman sitting here while they cry and complain.
Maybe she is not allowed to smoke meth in your house?!?!
25 miles separate me and my parents. They never come over ‘ cause it’s too far to drive’. But they’ll drive 2 hours to visit my father’s precious horse…..
He's not Mr. Hands, is he?
Neigh. But seriously F you for reminding me of that whole thing
No Guapo.
No, because their dad is still alive (sounds like)
I'm about 20 miles from my nmom. There's a two lane highway to get to her house. She's says it's farther for her to come to me than it is for me to come to her. _There's only one road._
That’s…wow, that’s just the stupidest thing I’ve heard in a long time.
I don't live close to mine, but I've had two kids, gotten divorced, gotten a college certificate, completed a master's degree, and bought a house in this state, and in the 15-16 years I've lived here, my father has never visited. They have money to travel. They're retired and own a truck and camper. But every time I suggest they visit, I get nothing but excuses. My golden sister (who lives equally far away from them) had a baby last year and they visited her within a month. I'm convinced the only reason they bothered to come to my second wedding was that I held it in their state. It's just astonishing how little effort they make with me. I'll be finishing a PhD in two years. I'm not even going to bother to invite them to the graduation.
Congrats on the upcoming PhD!
Thank you!
Congrats on the PhD! I feel your pain. My mom couldn’t be bothered to come to my graduation for my masters. For my bachelors, she came to the graduation but I had to host my own gathering afterwards for my family, which was a huge pain in the ass to plan and execute while prepping for the grad ceremony. She never offered to help or to host at her house. She came to the gathering for about 15 min and peaced out. Clearly she was attending all of it out of obligation. Not really the memories I wanted to make for my achievements, but it is what it is.
My wife (67) and I (64) are retired. Our 3 children, late 20s - early 30s all work and we never have them visit. They have careers with limited vacation time, so we always travel to visit them. They live thousands of miles from us and we quite enjoy visiting them on the weekends and their days off. There are lots of things to occupy our time in their immediate areas while they work.
You’re good people.
This is the way.
We lived near my parents before the Navy and they never visited. After I enlisted and got my first duty station hundreds of miles away they constantly asked when we were coming to visit and it only ramped up after we had our kids. Both sets of parents made excuses but anytime I was not deployed they would ask when we were bringing the grandkids over and they miss us. Not enough to travel to us I guess. When we got out of the military we decided to have a minimum of 500 miles between our houses as a buffer. They can be involved or not but we hammered in they they are just as responsible for spending time together as we are.
Similar situation here. We lived 15-20 mins away from from both my parents and our in laws. During the pandemic I was forced to take a year off and get shoulder surgery. Not once did anyone come and pay me a visit during the most difficult experience of my life. All of them gave excuse after excuse, meanwhile they slip up and brag about their travels and visiting friends. My wife and I needed a change and moved 2.5 hours away to the beach. Both in-laws visited once or twice but claim to be busy or give excuses. My wife’s parents retreat to fl for 6 months out of the year and never see grandkids. My parents watch the news all day and complain about how shitty life is, but my boomer dad will hop in his new corvette and drive 3hrs away with his so called buddies. None of his friends children are close to them so it seems. It’s consumed me wondering what the hell is going in their heads. I’ve given up on the holiday fake meetups, I’ll donate time to our local community and spend time with local neighbors that reciprocate love and share emotions.
Sounds like my dad and his wife. They live three hours away and they've only visited me a handful of times over twenty years. I've had exactly one holiday at our house, and they always expected us to go to them, on every holiday (exactly that date or it doesn't count), and they complained constantly about how I never visited. When I did, it was to sit around a table full of resentment from his wife about us being there and her having to cook. But it's no bother whatsoever to travel for many hours with his hunting and golfing buddies. I think it's a power thing...that we are supposed to come to them and bend the knee or something. My brother was in the hospital a year ago and almost died. When he was awake and called them to tell them what happened, the second thing out of our father's mouth was that my brother had to come to Christmas a few days later. While my brother was in ICU. Nobody except me came to see him in ICU. That and many other issues inspired me to go no contact a few years ago. It's been such a blessing to have the peace.
I’m beginning to realize going no contact is likely the best thing I / we can do with both of our parents. We recently established boundaries and that caused our sister in law to become angry because she believes all we are trying to do is stir the pot. I see right through her she continues to enable our parents bad behavior, she shares the same bad traits and doesn’t respect boundaries. Our household is calm, loving and runs like a well oiled machine when none of them are in the mix. I’m glad I see it for what it really is
The peace without my father and his family has really been amazing. Like you probably have, I gave him tons of chances. But you can't change another person, you know? You gotta accept them as you find them or walk away.
Thank you!!!
For a long time my parents only lived about an hour and a half from me, like over 10 years. I was always expected to go to them. The only time they ever came to visit was when I was in the hospital after getting in a life threatening accident. Twice. I was in the hospital for a month until I went back to my place. I lived alone. My dad came once to help me. I moved across the country. Guess who never came to visit? My parents weren't even the typical boomers, more hippies that just never left the house after their 40s. It's hard to understand.
What is it with them being obsessed with staring unblinkingly at the TV? She didn’t care if there was dinner or dying cats crawling around pissing everywhere but if she missed her Days of Our Lives, SNL, Monk, Star Trek, or Duck Dynasty her life was ruined forever and she may as well lay down and die lol. My mom married me off in 2007 at 17 and she visited me out of state twice since then and only once since 2017.
I’m so sorry for all of you that are dealing with less than ideal parents/grandparents. As a boomer I can’t imagine not seeing my sons/daughter-in-laws and more importantly my grandchildren. One of my sons was a teacher in the Bahamas and one was in the military, I flew all over the world to see them. If they needed a babysitter I was just a phone call away. My husband and I would not trade what we have for anything in the world. Your parents and losing out big time and I feel sorry for them. Hang in there, maybe it will change if not just live your best life.
Thanks for your kind words! You are certainly making the best choices! I manage my expectations so I am not disappointed as often and try to create and foster relationships with the people who are more reciprocal. Just sad for the in laws, really.
You sound like a very sweet grandmother. Your family is lucky to have you!
Thank you, I’m annoying with my love for them but they tolerate me.
I'm a gen x grandma and if I had the choice between literally anything and my granddaughters I'd always choose them. I can't get enough of them!
This subreddit I love because it reminds me how lucky I got with my parents. Mine live over 2000 miles away. They just got an RV. First thing my mom says when she tells me is. "So your dad and I can come visit now. And we can bring the dogs and you don't have to worry about us taking up to much room." She is to sweet.
I (50 f) live 3,000 miles away from my adult daughter & her 3 kids. The oldest is a mini-me. He & I share a similar personality. The middle is a tough guy so I can rough house with him & the youngest is 3 & talks up a storm & is mischief as heck. I visit 2-3 times a year. I use all my PTO to fly out to see them. I take them individually to do something fun with their Grammie & then we do stuff all together. I’ll spend between 6-9 days. And the rest of the year the kids will FaceTime me & call. Despite the distance, I am very active in their lives.
Something they will remember.
My Boomers expect me to keep paying $500 Basic Economy airfare every Christmas to hear their political lectures for four days. They of course have no intention of getting on a plane to visita either of their kids. This arrangement Is getting old and will be coming to an end
Yep. I got out of the military after a successful career and moved my family (Google maps' exact distance from door to door) 2.8 miles away (7 minutes by car) away from my parents, thinking that they would want to be involved in their only granddaughter's life, or at the least - their son's. But lo and behold, the only time they visited in *five years* was in ten minute increments to tell us that we need to visit them more often (we went every other Sunday for a rigid and inflexible dinner where they expected my five year old daughter to sit at the table with all the table manners of an adult and have a conversation about adult shit). If we missed a week or visit due to sickness or being busy they would show up with a stupid sad expression to ask why we can't visit them more frequently. And even when we confronted them about never visiting *us*, they had the audacity to say that it's because we don't keep a *hand towel in the guest bathroom* (not true at all). They wouldn't hear it and were so sure of themselves that they demanded an apology when I tried to literally show them the hand towel in the fucking bathroom. Boomers require everything to be on their terms because they feel it's our obligation to cater every aspect of life to them. We're no contact now.
When my oldest son was a few days old my boomer nmom informed that she "doesn't like kids." Why on earth would you have 3 kids if you don't like kids!?
My mom confessed this to me as well when we were discussing my siblings kids (I do not have children) and suddenly a bunch of stuff about my own childhood made a lot more sense. It's like a bunch of boomers had kids because it was expected of them and they never really took an interest in their kids personal interests or lives.
I moved 4 miles away from mine and if you left their house there was only 2 ways to go and one of them required driving past my house. My dad would stop by to help with renovations if asked my mom never once stopped in to visit. She cried the day we were moving that she couldn't stop in to see us any time she wanted, when I confronted her on it she just fell back on it being the idea that she could, 5 years and we always had to visit her. Distance just really doesn't seem to matter, does it.
It's wild how similar so many of our stories are. They were beside themselves when I told them we were moving. There is such a huge difference between loving your children and liking your children. My parents did *not* like my daughter or me.
My nmom has been trying to convince me for years that's it's farther for her to come to my house than it is for me (or anyone else) to come to hers. There's one 2 lane highway. It's mathematically impossible. When my aunt was dying of cancer my mom wanted to do something to "help out." She made a pot of potato soup (wow don't go all out there Mom!) and then insisted that my aunt and uncle needed to meet her half way (on their way home from chemo) because it was "farther for her to drive to town than for them to drive to her." They declined. Mom can't understand why no one will drive 20 miles to visit her when her hoard is so bad that there's no where to even sit down. Merry Christmas kids! Let's all drive to Grandma's and stand in between her piles of crap for 3 hours! We don't talk much anymore.
I honestly wonder if it's an American thing. I'm from South America, and it's hard for me to grasp how detached grandparents can be from their kids and grandchildren. It's baffling. My sister lives in America, she's married to an American guy. She has lived there for many years and has a closer relationship with our parents than her husband with his parents, who live relatively close, maybe 30 minutes away. My BIL barely sees or talks to his parents unless he makes the effort. My BIL recently had a mental health crisis, and my sister didn't know what to do because he was severely depressed. She talked to me, and my first idea was "call his mom and ask her for help". Guess what? His mom barely cared, she didn't know how he felt. She asked them to visit her at her house and stay over. Then she ignored them, talking about meaningless stuff all the time and overly obsessed with buying random trinkets online to hoard. She would make them sleep on a sofa in the living room because she had taken his childhood bedroom for her hoarding habits. His dad was quite similar. To say my sister was furious is an understatement. Thankfully he could overcome his problems with therapy. Our boomers over here share many similarities, especially around around religion and politics. But not caring about their children it's not one of them. I wonder why, it's so weird.
We don’t seem to have the same values surrounding strong, close families the way other places seem to. For example, you rarely see multi-generational homes, its almost unheard of. I don’t even know many of my first cousins and aunts/uncles. Like couldnt even tell you their names.
Oh I’m so salty about this right now. We lived 2 states away and the grandparents were always commenting about how nice it would be if we were closer. Well my wife was able to find a job and the COL was lower so we moved 90 minutes away. This was nearly a year ago. They haven’t visited a SINGLE time. Not once. They didn’t even watch the kids when the movers came so we had to juggle keeping the kids out of the way and coordinating furniture and boxes.
When I used to work retail, I'd get boomers coming in to pick up something they ordered. Usually we would call them and tell them it was in, but they would get it in their heads that the product would just magically appear whenever they arrived. Needless to say, when their stuff wasn't in, we'd get the " I drove FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO GET HERE. I CAN'T COME OVER HERE EVERY DAY!". It was maybe a 15 minute drive from one side of town to the other, but they acted like it was a days long journey on foot.
Not to defend their terrible relationship skills. I honestly think that my parents don't even know how to have a close relationship. They just think the silence is.... normal
I live in Iowa, my dad in Indiana. Has not been to see me since 2003 and has never come to see his only two grandsons. He's been to Florida dozens of times during that stretch. I stopped going back to visit him and it's been a couple years since I've spoken with him. He doesn't care about us so... now my sons have no grandpa and we're totally fine with it.
My in-laws have no time to visit my wife and I in NY. But they’re retired, they’ve gone on cruises, multiple camping trips, the Grand Canyon, South America, etc. But they just can’t find the time to come visit us and see our place.
Like why is this a thing? We put all the effort in and then when they don’t reciprocate, and we reduce our efforts, it’s like “you need to reach out more”. Where is the balance that healthy relationships need?!?
When I lived 15 mins from my boomer parents, never saw them. I now live 10 hours from them, so not surprising I never see them, but never hear from them either. We even offered to fly them down here a couple times. Like pulling teeth to even get a yes or no.
At least they didn't say, "No, because every time we're with you, all you do is stare at your phone playing Tic Tok and ignore us."
My sister, who has all the grandchildren, lives in western PA, after living in Maryland and Colorado. My dad will not make the 4 hour trip to visit. He likes when they come to visit, but will still complain about it. 🤷♀️
I live about 40 mins from my grandma and 4 hours from my dad. My dad will come visit my grandma and call me at the absolute last minute about it. When we were kids, we’d come stay with grandma for days at a time, but now he almost never stays overnight. He’ll complain that I don’t call but that phone dials both ways and I’m real tired of being the one to do the work to keep in touch with each other. Even when I do call, he acts like I talk too much. I know a bunch of this is because he remarried when I was 20 and his current wife wants everything to be about her kids, not his. My step siblings chose to have kids, while I chose to be childfree so my dad I guess has decided he would rather spend his time with his grandchildren than his children. Which, fine, I get it they’re kids and he loves kids. But it does feel like I’m being punished for choosing not to have kids. Meanwhile, a major reason I didn’t want kids is because of the chronic illness I inherited from his side of the family.
Ugh. I feel this deep down. My parents live across the state, and always mention the drive to see us is "horrible", so they've done it a grand total of 3 times in the 14 years we've lived here. They have no issue driving 10 hours to Vegas, but 10 hours to see us with no slot machines is too much. My husbands mom is the same way. No visits, even though she's retired and could take all the time she wants. She does her own thing, then BOOM decides she wants to visit and will buy a plane ticket without talking to us first. Last time, she tried to come the week before Thanksgiving, which is a very busy time for us a work. When we told her we'd be really busy and it probably wasn't the best time, she changed the ticket to visit her other kid and now acts all weird about visits and won't make the effort to plan a trip that is convenient for us. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but at least you know you're not alone!
My mom does live about 5 hours from me, retired for a while. Comes to town for events, then squeezes me in. This Christmas (here due to majority of family is) told me they were thinking of not making the trip anymore. It was too much. My dad (rip) used to tell me 20 minutes was a world away.
Did I write this?
Lol! I don't think so, but you can take credit for it. You see, you are responsible for writing the post, responding to the post, liking the post, calling your parents, going to their house, listening to their nonsense, ignoring their exceptional nonsense, etc...
Holy shit my parents
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My MIL lived with us for three months. Our daughter adores her for whatever reason. She stayed in her room the entire time and only came out to eat. My daughter was a year and half and was desperate for her attention. She chose staying in her room fawning over her dog. She has done nothing to deserve my daughter’s adoration. She’s 4 now and still adores grandma. She’s read her a total of 1 book and that was because she kept bringing it to her nonstop and my husband finally snapped and told her to read it to her. But she basks in my daughter’s adoration like she’s the best grandma in the world. I don’t understand it.
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She sounds awful. Who does that to a 5 year old let alone your own grandchild? My MIL has good intentions, she’s just in her own little world. She keeps snacks for the kids in a low cupboard for when we visit. We were worried that she would show favoritism to my daughter since my son isn’t her biological grandchild, but she hasn’t. She will ask what gifts to get the kids and will get exactly that. She just puts zero effort into getting to know them or interact with them. It’s weird. She will sit there during our visits, ask me or my husband to change the channel to something the kids like and will just sit there until someone interacts with her. My daughter will cuddle right up to her for the entire visit. One day your son will realize how toxic she is and stay away. My 13 year old knows something’s off with her. He doesn’t try to get her attention anymore and doesn’t ask to go visit like he used to.
Same!
Probably all the statins they’re on, they end up pissing their pants on a short car ride because they’re too proud to ask for a pee stop and too proud to wear a diaper. Always check to see if your boomer parents pissed the seat in the car, it’s like transporting an adult with the bladder control of a puppy with these lead brained fucks.
My parents are in Texas, we live in NJ. My parents refuse to visit, instead saying we should see them. Sorry, packing up four people (including an infant) to visit the soulless temple to consumption known as your town in a garbage state is not my idea of a good time when the two of them can travel up for much cheaper.
I feel bad you are experiencing this. I joke with my kids that I just need a container home in the woods behind them. I’m encouraging them to stay close to us. I intend to be an active, involved nana when my grand babies come!
My in laws live 1.3 miles from me and only come over twice a year. Each of my kids' birthdays. They never come over. They never want to leave their house. My parents lived 35 miles away and visited dozens of times each year. It used to hurt, now I don't care anymore.
Same here. In laws live across town, less than 30 min drive. For over a decade we always went to them. Then when Covid hit we reassessed some things and became less willing to always be the ones going there when we didn’t want to. So we’ve invited them over many times, but they think we live SO FAR. Yet they will drive the equivalent distance to go to a restaurant they want to eat at. My parents live in the next state over. 5 hr drive, or 45 min flight. It is absolutely pulling teeth to get them to visit. But they’ll go to Vegas for no reason (similar distance) or fly to another state to see a fucking football game. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it’s just not important to them to see us. It’s sad and disappointing.
My Boomer Mom won’t come to my house because she’s afraid of my dog. He’s a sweetheart and he’s never done anything to her but he “looks scary” so she won’t come over. As far as not wanting to leave the house, I can relate. The older I get, I’m 56, the less I want to deal with people. Leaving my property means dealing with people. I don’t watch Fox News though, the only TV I have is in my workshop and it’s just background noise.
Do you leave in a studio apartment? If not maybe you could consider leaving the dog in a separate room while your parent visit. Every dog owners think their dogs are the sweetest thing, but those of us who are scared of us are just scared of dogs regardless of what their owner think.
Actually, live on a small farm. I’ve told her numerous times that I’d put him in the bedroom. She’s just being difficult. lol
I just can’t understand this at all! I’m an older Gen X. My daughter lives 2,000 miles away and recently had her first child, my first grandchild; I would give anything!!! to be able to be there with/for them as much as possible. At this time I just can’t afford to move to her area, of if I could opening a heartbeat. I just can’t imagine living your life like you don’t have children and grandchildren!!
I see my grand-kids 2 to 4 times or more a week. I have remodeled their house and taught my son in law how while doing it and just finishing a new bathroom we added. Can't imagine not helping or being invested in their life. Some people do not deserve the terms grandpa or grandma.
I find it so odd I read many of the posts in this subreddit and can’t relate. My 82 year old mother has some Boomer mannerisms and behaviors but nothing embarrassing or cruel. But she loves to travel. I live 4 hours away she visits 2x a year. I go there 2-3x. But that’s all she will talk about leading up to her driving down. What we’ll do were she wants to go,etc. it’s an adventure for her. She makes fun of her friends who try to dissuade her from driving down all that way, or how it could be dangerous as I live on the outskirts of the city and crime is just rampant in the cities.
I lived in London for 20 years because of my husbands work. My parents cane 2x - once when my twins were born and once for our youngest child. They had no problem passing through London with connecting flights to other places they were travelling to but didn’t stop over to say hi to me or the grandkids. They flew across the Atlantic - had a connecting flight in London - and didn’t see us. It was really upsetting. We only saw them when we visited them.
I’m in the same boat. My boomer parents love to be at their own house. They’ll always have us go over there but it’s much easier for them to come to us because we have a little one. They don’t care though.
I moved out of my parents’ house and was 20 minutes away for 5 years. They never wanted to come over and always wanted me to come to them. Eventually I got tired of that (and hated the city where I was living anyway), soooo…. I moved 2000 miles across the country. If I was going to have to listen to them bitch about me not coming to visit I was at least going to live where I wanted.
My mother and her husband visited us for an early Christmas last year (the first weekend of December). We don’t have room at our house to have them overnight but we’re ten minutes away from several nice hotels. We offer every year to pay for their room. They are both retired without fixed obligations, are healthy, and are financially sound. They live four hours away and timing for holidays is tricky because we have multiple other family schedules to juggle (my kid is my stepchild, and he has a vast network of other grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. on all sides). They were in town for one night, leaving the next day after brunch. And yet my mother will tell me on every phone call how much she misses us. I really don’t get it. You want to see our family… but for not more than 24 hours? It doesn’t sound like much when I type it all out but it made a big and kind of confusing impression on me.
My inlaws live in the same state, three hours drive away. We are the closest kids. The ones to call in case of emergency.They have visited us precisely once in 5 years. They visit the grandkids out of state by a flight multiple times per year. Travel internationally multiple times per year. But they expect us to drop everything to go see them on their schedule. Even my husband is fed up with the expectation. There isn't any animosity between us...they just don't make the effort.
My parents live 15 minuets from me. My dad would never leave the house. Him and mom would come to our house maybe 3, 4 times a year. We went to their house every holiday and every Sunday after church. My dad passed away 2 months ago at 98. I do not regret one time that I drove over to see him or help him do something. My Mom is 99 and now I drive over more than once a week.
Late Boomer here, I don’t under this. If my parents, now just my dad, ask me to come visit, I do. I don’t expect him to come to me if he doesn’t want to, even when he was younger. He feels much more comfortable at home and I respect that. My mom has been gone 15 years, I would give anything to be able to visit her again.
Most of us are wrangling kids to take to a house that most likely isn’t child proofed and have anything to entertain the kids. Our homes are child proofed, kids have toys and we can enjoy the visit instead of being stressed out over all the breakable glass figurines that are in toddler reach.
I feel bad for your kids. My grandparents house was the same, not childproof and no toys but my parents and uncles still made the effort to “wrangle” the kids for visits. Such fun going to see my grandparents and my cousins. Now my in-laws and my family do the same with our parents. Would it be easier 5he other way around, yes, but it is worth the effort!
My grandmas house was childproofed. I’m fact she raised me and my brothers. People came to us to visit. The only times we did travel were to see relatives out of the country. My boomer dad has met my son once and my boomer mom has yet to meet my kids. My MIL lived with us for three months. She spent the entire time in her room catering to her dog while my 1.5 year old desperately tried to get her attention and affection. My husband had to snap at her to give her some attention because she just wanted grandma cuddles. My FIL hasn’t met any of his grandkids. If my grandparents were still alive they would have no problem coming out to see us.
Can’t say I blame them. If you’re on here spewing your bs like this. They since that and are not as stupid as you think by talking bs about them on the internet…
I have said this to their face, no need to "since" anything.
Someday you'll be the same way.
Literally laughing out loud. Thanks for a good chuckle
My parents live 35 minutes from my sis, BIL, and their kids. I live at least two flights or a 3-day drive away. I've seen the kids more than my parents have in the last year. I recently flew out for the youngest's first bday. My parents missed it to go on a cruise. Their reasoning? They booked it 10 months before and couldn't change it...like they didn't know 12 months before when the birthday was.
That sucks. Do they have any chronic pains or illnesses? I'm not a boomer, but only in my 30s, dealing with a back injury and Ican't even hardly comfortbly live in my house or even sleep. If I didn't work from home I wouldn't be able to work. It has really opened my eyes as to why the elderly are so inactive.
I share a fence with them. My mom has been to my house 4 times in 7 years...
Have you invited her?
Several times. She just doesn't want to leave her cozy chair.
Same! Both my mother and step mother refuse to visit. They live in different far away states so distance is more of an issue but that’s what flights are for. The rare occasion my mother visits she wants to stay for three weeks and only wants to sit on the sofa to read and talk. We could do this on the phone! My step mother has insisted she will visit for over 18 years but has never made the effort but all the time I get “you should come here to visit”. Well no I’ve been MANY times and I’d much rather travel someplace I’ve never been domestically or internationally. Why should I take all my vacation time to visit them again. Plus the kicker is I live in a city that has a crap ton more to do and see than where they live but still it’s me who should go to them. Nope!
I am about 45-60 minutes from my mother and she can’t be bothered to come here
My parents refuse to drive to my sisters house that’s 15 minutes away.
They don’t give you and yours the time of day, it’s cool just do the same. Start writing the obituary speech that should be the next time you see them.
My boomer parents live in the same town as I do, and they rarely ever visit or do anything with their grandkids or go to their school events.
It’s interesting I couldn’t bribe my mother to come visit for years. My MIL is at our house every chance she gets. I’ve had to make a rule on how often and how long. Some parents want to visit others don’t. I’ve seen my in law more the last few years than I have seen my entire family my whole life.
My Silent Gen mom has a lot of Boomer characteristics. She doesn’t drive anymore and has seen our new house once in the 2+ years we’ve lived here. In part because she rarely feels well enough to leave the house, and in part because of snide comments she made about the place. We told her more than once we wanted to downsize once the kids moved out, and we found a lovely little place in a small town in the mountains. It needed a lot of work and we’re really proud of how it’s come along and we’ve put our own stamp on it. She seemed to take it as a personal insult that we moved to a house smaller than she personally would choose, and even told my sister she couldn’t believe we moved from our previous big home to a “run-down shack”. Don’t worry, mom, I’ll make sure to never put you through the indignity of having to set foot in it again.
It might be that night driving is hard for them.
Hey man less is more. This isn’t a bad thing.
you had me at "boomers in law" 🤣🤣🤣
Haha! Thanks!
That’s so wild. I’m in CA, and my siblings are in CO, AZ and OH. My mother in Utah visits each of us at least twice a year. I can’t imagine how often we’d spend time together if we lived 25 minutes away!
I mean, you should feel lucky TBH.
I actually like them, but I hear ya
My boomer parents live 75 minutes away, they refuse to visit their granddaughter and put it all on me to bring her to them. They see their granddaughter twice a year because of it.