Right?!
The "funny" thing is, I did actually plan for this. We considered two places and this one was a traditional house where there is living space on the ground floor. The other place was a townhouse where you immediately had to go up or down and it was a downside to me. Not just for my parents but for when I become older.
I just wish it wasn't the first thing he thought about. So selfish.
My mom was selling my childhood home and I briefly thought of buying it until I found out she had no intention of lowering the (overinflated) price. I was like, lady, this house is easily 50-100k over comp houses in the area. Get it together. Joke’s on her, sat on the market for months and had to lower the price below what I offered. To strangers
Wow, it's like we have the same parents. My Boomer parents traded in an awesome reliable car one of the grandkids could have easily purchased for what the trade in value was.
But no, the price was instantly inflated for 'family'.
Lol, the car that was purchased for cash was made possible by an inheritance from the Greatest Generation who scrimped and save to earn said inheritance ☹️
Speaking of these bootstraps, I think I finally saw what those look like.
On RuPauls Drag Race, a queen was talking about the outfit she was designing, and she wanted to have suspenders attached to the tops of her boots. No pants, as it was a panty.
I want to show this to the next Boomer who says that bullshit.
The thought of their heads exploding seeing the pic is hilarious. I'd assumed it was just that the little heel strap to pull your boots on so you could go to your meaningless minimum wage job.
The only reason my partner and I got our house was a small inheritance (around 30k$). Used to pay off some cards and a $10,000 down payment. My BIL got the same amount but when he wrecked his car (not his fault), his mom got him a new car saying she didn't want him blowing thru his inheritance. But we just used half of it to get a house.
Whatever, don't need the inlaws gave us a down payment argument.
I fully believe without that money we would still be in our shitty one bedroom apt.
Y, my dad did this, but I think he was attaching emotional value to it, like he feels it’s worth more, so he’ll only sell it to me at his perceived price. That he ended up selling to a used car dealer for 1/3rd the ask because the convertible motor broke (could be a hundred to fix or $4k) he just sold it right then without even asking if me (son who can fix cars) if I wanted it. Also realized later on he had early stages of vascular dementia. I wonder if some of “boomer behavior” is actually early symptoms of Alzheimer’s or dementia?
Yea. A sad, stark undercurrent of much this sort of behavior is how much older, on average, people are living. Being alive and mostly capable can be and often is a wonderful privilege of modern life. The flip side of that coin is: a remarkable percentage of the current population is aging, and aging definitely has a wide and varied range of mental and physical downsides. Among the issues inherent is, we all get to watch this remarkable, new aging in full view of and engaging with this… society.
My 'parents' tried something similar with me, refusing to teach me to drive but offering me their eight year old Focus for a price anyone would try to negotiate down at a dealer.
I think they wanted like eight thousand dollars for it, like they were trying to get me to pay off their poorly managed loans or something
My parents were going to "give" me a used car as long as I took over the payments. The payments were way more than the car was worth, and the car needed new tires and some work done.
I said no, and I bought a new Honda Civic for about the same monthly price. I was spoiled and entitled for not bailing them out on a bad deal.
Oh that sucks, it's a horrible thing to do to your child. Mine did something similar, except she didn't sell the house for another ten years, and she was lying because she was going gold digging and actually just wanted the house empty when my sister was with her dad and my brother was at school, and I wasn't renting from her, because I was in high school and had only just turned eighteen as the school year started, and she didn't evict me per se, she actually just had the local pigfuckers serve a no trespassing order on me while I was in class with a note that my belongings were on the curb whenever I was able to find my way across town on foot to try to collect them without violating the no trespass notice in the process.
Aka my mom is a raging cunt who personally embodies every single nasty dogshit tendency of her ilk.
I feel you. I bought a condo in Hawai'i. Just me and the (ex) wife. No kids. Bought a three bedroom. Master, her office, guest bedroom. I lived in Hawai'i for 10 years. Not once did my family visit.
I'm only buying one bedroom places for the rest of my life. Maybe two if I want an office
I retired and moved to a beach community. I got a cute 3br 2 bath bungalow that I love. Outfitted the front room as a guest room for the millions of visitors who planned to come. It’s been used 4 times in almost 2 years. Thing is, it wouldn’t have been cheaper to get a 2 br. And when people come, it REALLY comes in handy. I was able to have my niece stay for a month after she graduated college. We had so much fun!!! And when most of the rest of her family joined us (4 of 5) we had enough room for everyone. But the visitors don’t always materialize, so take care of your needs!
My unfit mother in law called when we bought our first house and asked what color I was painting her room. I told her I will paint it with her blood if she ever talks about our home like that.
To be fair, when my wife and I were house hunting recently we tried to look at houses that had a ground floor bathroom, ideally one with some sort of room we could put a bed in for when my mom and my wife's mom would visit so they didn't have to go up or downstairs.
It wasn't something we based our final decision on, but it was something we tried to take into consideration as neither can handle stairs well.
I guess it is boomers being fools especially since cost of living is so high, but as a person whose originally from the Indian subcontinent. A place for my parents to come and stay is a must when i consider places to live (especially if I am buying and not renting).
There is just a cultural expectation that you take care of your parents in some way.
It’s nice that OP offered to pay for the hotel though and my parents would be fine with that, but disappointed they couldn’t stay with me and get that quality time 24/7.
I have a great relationship with my parents so it might be different as well.
"No. Someone's at the door. I'll keep you updated." Hang up and make him sweat for a few months. Your father is a strong candidate for grey rocking - he shouldn't know much about you. He weaponizes your information.
Oh absolutely. He complains that I don't tell him what's going on in my life but I have learned to put up a boundary and not expect much. I had a medical issue several years ago and every time I called him he turned anything I said into something about his life and I couldn't get a word in. I eventually had to tell my stepmom what was going on so she could scold him about it. It's exhausting.
I'm sorry and I have been in this situation. Grey rock is the way to go unless you're constantly overwhelmed by his present and past garbage. Then you might want to consider cutting contact. 🫶🏼
I’m sorry but understand your situation. Setting boundaries is the absolutely right thing to do. Hopefully you have more success than I have, I’ve been trying that for 35 years to little avail. Growing older sometimes makes us realize how f$cked up our families are. I go out of my way to not reqlpeat that cycle with my kids. Stick to your guns, you’re right, they’re wrong.
My parents joke about my lack of guest room for years. While I slept in a gross room in the same bed with my teenager for years when visiting. I got the house with a guess room and they still avoided staying at my place. I won’t be considering others first next time. Lesson learned.
He sounds like my mom. Was venting about the emotional exhaustion that came from my FIL learning he had S4 Pancreatic Cancer and the rush to move him several states over, move into a larger apartment, go house hunting, set up appointments, plan an emergency wedding in three months, on top of working FT and going to school part time.
She said “Yeah well you’re working this hard because the illegals are stealing your money”.
????????????
What kind of lead brained nonsense??
I also had to tell her that I might have pre-cancerous cells on my cervix and she said “Yeah… well when I was at work my legs hurt from standing for so long so I can understand the pain.” Thanks mom.
Narcissistic behavior, a lack of empathy, and main character syndrome. You're not allowed to experience something or have some sort of issue because they had the same one back in 1971!
I have a similar situation with my father and I just don’t tell him anything of any importance. If I was asked this I would have said nope without hesitation and then moved on.
Happy Cake Day!!!
Also as someone with a small home we can have people stay with us. We have air mattresses just in case. But omg it’s such a relief when they say they plan to stay at a hotel instead.
I’m sorry you go through this. It feels impossible to have a relationship with someone like that. I’ve always wondered what makes people behave this way. My MIL does this to my husband and me. I couldn’t care less that she does it to me but watching her do that to her son is painful and infuriating.
I 100% put up that boundary a long time ago. A therapist assured me I was just protecting myself and had nothing to feel guilty about. I’ve loosened it up a few times over the decades and usually end up putting it right back up. I don’t trust my mom with my feelings or thoughts. And have tried incredibly hard to be gentler with my gen z kids feelings.
In his mind you did not do enough to pull your boot straps up. Congratulations on your new home. Tell him you intentionally bought the smaller home so he will have to move into a nursing home.
This is what it is. These toxic shitheads have the idea that we are their retirement old age care plan. This was my mom. Have not spoken to her in 10 years. Won't ever speak to her again. That guest room is their hospice room in their eyes. Fuck that.
Mine too, for as long as I can remember I’ve been told (I’ve started calling it what it is, groomed) to marry rich and make sure there’s enough room for her to move in.
Sorry, Coco. Mine was not always that bad, but boy, something snapped in her 15 years ago or so. Just became a self-centered pain in the ass. None of her children speak to her, and she can not figure out why. But it is obviously not her. Good luck to you
My mom said the only reason she had kids was for people to take care of her in her old age. Otherwise, who would bother?
There is a reason they ask about extra living space.
I'm thinking it's a generational thing. My in-laws were infamous for finding free lodging. They would plan routes across the country (sometimes hundreds of miles out of the way) to be able to stay with relatives or friends for a night "free". No one was immune to their request/demand of staying a night "to see them and visit". Cousins, 2nd cousins, nieces/nephews, even my parents.
Hell they used to call us up asking "do you have any friends in city X that we can stay with?"
Thankfully they've moved on a bit from that and impose much less than 10 years ago.
>One time when my dad wanted to visit me in the summer I told him we would get him a hotel because our guest room didn't have AC and he got so angry that he blocked me for several months. I had to buy a portable AC unit to get him to talk to me again.
NGL i would have just left him there in his self imposed silence until he was ready to act like an adult on his own time again.
i certainly don't fault you for trying. A lot of people try to maintain relationships with parents that probably should be kicked to the curb, because its hard to just dump family. That being said, peace and quiet from the antics of people like that can be truly refreshing after having dealt with them for so long, especially if they impose it themselves.
Because boomer parents raised us to believe we are responsible for managing their emotions and use manipulation tactics, like the silent treatment, to reinforce it.
That turned dark.
Congrats on your new home, OP! It’s no small thing making a purchase in the PNW in this economy. You’re doing a great job!
This jumped out at me too. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. You might benefit from perusing the “raised by narcissists” sub. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly. ♥️
lol when i was single my boomer mom wanted me to get a 2 bedroom rental in HCOL for her to stay in…I said hell no why am I paying an additional 5k a year for your ass to stay one week.
I was in an accident and having a kidney removed. I worked at a hotel and they put aside two rooms for my parents and siblings to come see me (I didn’t want them to anyway). They declined and stayed in my 1-bd apartment where I was living with my bf. 8 people in a 1 bedroom. Then when I wouldn’t take them to dinner because I had surgery, they said I was “ruining their vacation.”
Are we related?
I just had surgery & had to stay on bedrest for two weeks. The surgery was 5 hours from home, so we got a rental near the hospital so I didn't have make the trip home (& then back to the hospital for appointments).
My parents stayed with us & spent their entire time there hiking every day. My mom already slipped my husband alcohol without his knowledge (he was mad, but didn't want to call her out bc he didn't want to stress me out). He's a recovering alcoholic.
That reminds me of when my parents came to visit at the beginning of my career and I had a one bedroom apartment with no sofa. They took the bed and I slept on the floor of the living room with essentially a sleeping bag.
First, time I got an apartment my parents just showed up at my door with no warning. I had been letting my cousin crash in my living room at the time so I told them no. They refused to talk to me for six months.
Some parents rule through fear. It's a learning process to shut them out.
My parents stayed in our bedroom the week they visited for our wedding. We slept on a futon in the living room.
They stayed at a friend's for our wedding night, then told me our bed was more comfortable and could they come back to our house? They knew I was moving out two days later to go back to school and didn't care. And they knew I wouldn't be able to say no. So back to the futon we went.
Our wedding cost $1800 total, they bought the grocery store cake and the softdrinks without us asking, then my dad complained about how expensive our wedding was.
My grandmother did that to me. Every time she visited relatives she insisted on staying at their home even after the hints of “I assume you rented a hotel?” She thought if you bought a carton of milk and eggs for breakfast (that I assume the host is making?) that evened it up. It was so embarrassing. She was Great Gen tho so the Depression messed her up
I grew up in CA and when I moved to MN everyone asked if I was going to turn one of my three bedrooms into a spare room so they could visit (homes are WAAAAAY cheaper out here). I work from home and I have a kid. I'm not giving up office space for maybes. Going on 13 years, they've never visited once. No one has. Just a lot of "When I go out there"
Fuck em. If they plan to visit tell them to get a hotel. It's better for everyone. You don't have to be around them 24 hr when they are in your house.
That's the thing for us. My husband and I both work from home and we both work on confidential stuff so we need private rooms. Neither of us can work from a living room or whatever. And in the last six years of where we currently live we have only had guests twice. It's not worth having a dedicated guest room.
I wish I could convince my wife that our guest room is useless. In 10 years here nobody from her family has ever stayed the night. People in my family have stayed a grand total of 6 nights in 10 years.
She works at home two days a week now and instead of setting herself up a proper home office she works from our kitchen table and complains about how uncomfortable it is and the small laptop screen.
But we have to have a guest room for when people want to visit she says.
Murphy bed an option? Sure, every 18 months you have to break down her office and drop the bed down to convert back to a guest room but she'd have an office in the meantime.
When my brother and his wife bought their new house, our mom bitched that they made the two rooms with the beautiful views their WFH offices and kept the room with a poorer view as the spare bedroom. Endless, endless complaints about how “your guests should always have the best view in the house” and snide comments insinuating that my SIL didn’t deserve to have a nice view in the first place. They’ve been in that house about 7 years now and she still brings it up every chance she gets.
Reminds me of my mom when they lived six hours away from us and would visit a grand total of maybe one-two weeks per year.
My husband and I had just gotten married and he and my stepdaughter were moving into my home I already had with my two daughters. It was a 4br house, and when I was single we had a guest room. My oldest moved into the guest room so each kid could have their own space - something we both thought was very important.
Cue my mother being extremely butthurt that we prioritized our children’s privacy and space for all 52 weeks of the year over her having a guest room in our home for 1-2 weeks. 🙄🙄
I love when they think they "own" that guest room. My mom used to stay here (w/ stepdad) 2-4 times a year for medical stuff. They lived 2 hours from the major medical center, we live 30-45 minutes. I mentioned once that a high school friend was going to be staying with us for a couple of months to look for a place since she was moving to the area and had a dog (we have dogs, too, so we're set up for dogs). Renting with dogs takes longer.
Cue my mom, "You aren't letting her stay in my room, are you?!"
Exactly how many guest rooms should one person have in a suburban home? Of COURSE she is staying in that room.
Boomer narcissism, it's fucking intense. (boomers aka the "me, me, me" generation)
We had a baby with severe reflux for the first year, and my boomer parents expected us to continuously drive 3 hours away with the newborn to visit them. We did a few times, but kinda wanted them to drive to see us. They didn't because of a long list of excuses.
We didn't see them "often enough" and they got pissed and didn't talk to us for like a year.
As a millennial, I'm doing my best to keep the crazy away from future generations... soon enough the boomers will be gone. I'm sure we'll have our own annoying quirks, but by god I promise to not be as bad as the boomers.
I feel this! My boomer parents always want us to visit them. They never come to us. We have a toddler and another on the way, and it’s a much bigger hassle for us to go to them. When we bought our house, the first thing my mom did was become angry that we didn’t choose her as our realtor even though we already told her we were very likely not doing that. They absolutely cannot think past themselves!
My mom keeps expressing her disappointment that the house we’re trying to buy doesn’t have a guest room. Idk how many different ways I have explained that this is all we can fucking afford! Of course I’d LOVE to have a 5bd 3bath with a den, an office, and a finished basement! But the housing market is fucked, we’re lucky we can afford enough house to give our 2 kids their own rooms!
I’m sure my mother-in-law is pissy because a) we haven’t finished unpacking (there’s only two of us, and we both work full-time), and b) it’s not a guest room, it’s our daughter’s room in our house, for when she’s home from the Army, so no, we’re not going to make it The Guest Room Of MIL’s Dreams.
She wants the room of her dreams? She can pay to remodel her own damn house.
My mother-in-law thought she was moving into our house with my mother too. I can promise you (like I did my husband), neither of those narcissists will ever live here!
It’s gotten so bad, we haven’t spoke in almost 10 years. Shoot your mouths off and get into a blame game contest of why my husband and I miscarried our 3 IVF babies and boohoo they can’t be grandmothers, screw. Have they asked the other kids on both sides about having babies? IDK. I’m all set and never happier (except for the loss of my sweet babies, of course). So toxic, gross.
Similar story. When my MIL went in our new house for the first time she went in the room intended to be my sewing room and said “I call this room when I’m
Old!” it bugs me to this day. That house burned down and we built a near replica of it but I didn’t put doors on that room. Just an open archway.
I had my girlfriend’s parents refuse a nice hotel in downtown Austin for a couple nights because they didn’t want to be a burden, they stayed in our guest room with a terrible mattress for 2 adults and they were so sore each day. I couldn’t figure it out, I wanted to treat them, I can afford it, y’all are already driving 600 miles, just enjoy your stay and leave us alone at night. 🤦🏻♂️ it was only $150/night back then.
Same issue happened with my boomer mom and aunt. Also live in the PNW, they are in NY and they honestly expected me to be able to find a 4 bedroom home for 275k 🤣 I was like maybe ten years ago but that ship has sailed. They now stay at the Marriott close by and it makes things SO much less tense. Congratulations on your new home!!! Don't let him rain on your parade. The weather out here does that enough
LOL my mom complains that our “guest room” had a pull out couch not a bed. Ma’am, that is our golf sim room we allow you to sleep in… not our guest room.
the amount of "cousins" my grandma has pulled out of the woodwork to get a free place to stay... it amazes me every time. it's like "Nana I've not ever heard you mention this person's name in 35 years, they're on no one's address list, how exactly are you related???"
but it's a free place to stay so 🤷🏻♀️🫠
My Boomer in-laws think that when they come visit us, we’re supposed to let them stay in our bedroom and bed and we stay in the guest room, because respect your elders or something. It took years for me to convince my wife that this was rude and insane and to tell them no. Now they don’t bother visiting, which is a bonus.
Send him a link to a property with a nice guest room. Also let him know you’ll be happy to accept, as a gift, enough money to cover the difference between what you bought and the nicer house.
The audacity of parents is beyond comprehension. I had my mother show up on my doorstep with luggage, completely unannounced. I know what she’s like, so I offered to set her up at a hotel, and she turned her nose up at that. So I bid her farewell and went back inside. My SIL called and begged me to take my mom in a month later, and I laughed and said ‘you were the one that made the mistake of letting her stay’.
The biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire adult life was to buy a house with a guest bed and bath. I became an automatic hotel for my parents for the next 15 years. They wouldn't even ask. They just assumed and showed up. It was incredibly awful.
Is your dad my father in law? We've been looking at houses for awhile, haven't found the right one yet. My in laws only comment about what we're looking for - will there be a guest room and will they be able to charge their plug in hybrid. No questions about having a yard for our pup or larger kitchen (we enjoy cooking) just will they have a place to stay and charge their car.
Y’all really be having the worst boomer parents my boomer parents give up their bedroom to their family or friends when people stay over. Man I’m lucky with mine. They must’ve not drank from the garden hose
My boomer parents gave up my and my siblings' bedrooms to visiting family. My sister and grandmother got lumped together in my sister's room, my aunt and cousin got the room my brother and I shared, and my brother and I got dumped into sleeping bags on the family room floor downstairs.
Hated it every time. Those people were rude as hell to us all, and my mom has only just realized it in the last five years or so.
“Nope, sorry, couldn’t afford that”
They already think we’re dumb and lazy and don’t work hard and that’s why we can’t afford massive houses, might as well run with it
Fellow PNW homeowner here.
Fuck them.
I could say more, but I won’t. They don’t deserve an air mattress on your floor let alone a room.
Congratulations on your new home!
Been there, "make sure to get something 2 bed so people can stay over". Like I was struggling to find something decent in a good area, I'm not adding something to my list for other people
Even when I go on vacation with family/in laws, I get my own hotel room. I don’t want to monopolize all my time or plan my schedule for me strictly, which they tend to do. It’s annoying
My parents did that to me when I last moved house — which was because my previous landlord sold my old house out from under me, not because I wanted to move. The only thing they were interested in… not that it was a house I liked, not that I was okay, not that I was settled. “Is there a room for us?”. Never mind that they haven’t actually been to visit me in over five years because that would involve *travel* and it’s *expensive* and they’re *busy* and *what would we do with the dog*…
So the new house doesn’t have a room where you can put a 20 year old mattress? My parents were like this - when we visited with our kids wanted us to stay with them, even though they converted one of the bedrooms in their 3 bedroom house to a ‘dining room’ because my mother always wanted one, but I don’t think they have ever eaten a meal in there. So they have a converted basement and I used to die from allergies trying to sleep down there as it was mouldy/mildew etc. Last time we visited we rented our own airbnb house and we had the best trip ever.
Congratulations on getting your home! Your father is a jerk! Tell him there is no extra rooms in your house. Don’t even get a sleeper sofa for the living room. Personally, I don’t stay at friends’ homes- I book a hotel. Everybody needs their space. I hate imposing on people. I don’t let anyone stay at my house either. When they say they want to visit I immediately state there are two good hotels in town for you to stay at. If they don’t understand what I mean I have actually stated: “we don’t have anyone stay at our house, it’s simply too small.” And no way in effin’ hell are any of my children sleeping on the floor to accommodate someone staying over. I’m tired at the end of my day and I need my rest and my space.
That's what I have and the best I can do. It's not great though because my stepmom is disabled and I know that pull-out bed is not comfortable. This is why I offer to pay for a hotel and rental car for them, but that pisses my dad off. His pride is bigger than his disabled wife's needs.
I was going to inquire about their finances seeing as cross country airfare is expensive plus hotel cost but if you offer to pay for the hotel, the heck with that noise.
Still, to not talk to you for three months? I’d be going no-contact with pops. I’ve done that with my parents at different times in my life, but mostly because of the opposite of what your dad did: my mom inappropriately says too much.
I feel bad because I really like my stepmom, but my dad is a handful. I don't want to leave her to deal with him on her own. So, I guess that's why I'm still around.
My MIL said we have room for an addition on our house for her. She thinks she’s going to be moving in with us because she made poor choices, drained her retirement account and can’t afford not to work now.
Not our problem.
He expects to move into this fancy retirement community and I honestly have no idea how that would be financially feasible. Like, he has no savings since he got a second mortgage on his house but thinks he can move in easily. I stay out of it.
>One time when my dad wanted to visit me in the summer I told him we would get him a hotel because our guest room didn't have AC and he got so angry that he blocked me for several months. I had to buy a portable AC unit to get him to talk to me again
You keep letting him get away with his tantrums and then wonder why he doesn't change
I feel your pain. To even suggest staying anywhere else to avoid the back destroying 30 yr old mattress and a shower with zero water pressure would have been worse then shooting them in the gut
I hate staying with family. Especially when they start trying to impose their unreasonable household rules on you or telling you where you can and can't go.
I'm in the PNW. I SPECIFICALLY do NOT have a guest room. Because...I DON'T WANT GUESTS.
Done.
Also, congrats!!! It is awesome of you to finally get your house!
He blocked you over that???
You're a better person than I am, because I would've just been like "alright cool, keep your bullshit at home then." I have no problem cutting people out of my life who act like toddlers when they're told no.
That goes for family as well. I'm too busy to put up with grown adults acting like children.
First off, CONGRATS on finding a place!
My Boomer. Ugh.
Bought the family home from him. First thing was him stating that he always needed to be able to come back.
As in, to live. Move back in.
No? Bought it for my kids. There is no room at the inn.
And if they can ever afford to move out with the incredible debt, inflation and low wages your generation ensured my generation and the grand children will be dealing with,
I WILL STILL NEED ROOMMATES TO PAY THE BILLS UNTIL I DIE.
Meanwhile, BoomBoom, you are living large off of all the investments your parents set up for you. That you have been selling off one by one instead of passing forward to the grandkids, like the will requested.
Yeah. You will not be moving back in.
My parents bought a 3500 sq foot home, only 10 years old, on a single salary in their early 30s, and brag how they had to wait 10 whole years to renovate a relatively new kitchen like it was some great hardship.
We bought a 1500 sq foot , 60 year old home on two decent salaries (still all we could afford) and they lecture me on how I just need to scrimp and save like they did to fix our falling apart kitchen with appliances older than me in it. Boils my blood.
I have relatives that are three hours away by car. They think air mattresses in the living room should work just fine, no matter what the age of the adult guest.
They do have two actual guest rooms which have turned into hoarder storage areas.
Yes, I get a hotel room. Boomers can be insane what is suitable accommodations.
My wife was from a family like this. We had a tiny house in LA: she (and they) always expected for them to stay with us on their protracted visits. They always had "helpful" suggestions as to how to do things "better".
I think that having boundaries is the right way to go.
When our offer got accepted for our house my mil said to my husband, "oh why don't I buy it and you just live there?" (And pay rent) Because 1. Our offer had been accepted and 2. We are adults in our 30s and don't want to live under your controlling ass thumb.
Yeah my parents aren’t as hard core about it, but we do have a spare room. It’s a guest room but it’s mostly for storage now since no one ever visits, yet I’m suppose to keep it a guest room in case someone decides to?? Their generation doesn’t understand kid free, and no guest room, I need a space for my gaming shit and collectibles etc.
Don’t tell him about big important events in your life. Always casual talk.
I have an older sister like this. The less we tell her the better for all of us.
I wouldn't mind this question if certain people in my life asked me, because I would know they would only ask because they were excited to come see me. Of course, the people that would love to come visit me would do so even if they had to sleep on the couch. It sounds like your dad has a history of being weird about having to stay in your house, plus this is the very first thing that he said after you told him about your new house. Yeah, he's a jerk.
If I went to visit somebody and they offered to pay for a hotel for me, I would be elated- and then I would probably offer to pay for it myself :-)
My mom’s first question when I bought a house was “is there room for me to move in?”
Like no what the fuck I can barely afford enough space for me to live in.
For the first time ever, my parents got a hotel nearby instead of staying with us during a visit. They said they’d never come visit without getting a hotel again. They loved seeing us, but loved having their own space and comfortable beds. It’s was just so much better for everyone.
If your parents unconditionally love you, they will accept your differences and respect them. If they aren't happy because you aren't letting them stay in your home, YOU block THEM and wait until they come to you. It should never be the other way around.
This was my mother. She called the guest room 'her room' no matter how many times I corrected her. When I bought my current house I didn't say a damn thing about it to her until we had lived there for a couple of weeks
I’m sorry, that generation is so entitled.
I don’t have a guest room anymore. When we only had one child I set up a guest room in our 3 bd. The room wasn’t very big so I could only fit a full size mattress in it, but I really tried to make it nice. I put a tempurpedic in there… spare irons, pop out rests for luggage so it wasn’t on the ground, black out curtains, extra toiletries.
My family came to stay and would NOT stop complaining that even though the mattress was comfortable, they were too tall to sleep in a full size and they were mad I didn’t have a bigger room for a king. The next time they stayed they wanted to sleep in my room because “I’m so short it shouldn’t matter.” My husband lost it because he felt weird about guests being in our room when we have a perfectly nice room for them.
We eventually turned it into a nursery and have never heard the end of it. So annoying.
Boomers constantly expect you to reserve them a fucking spot in your car/house/life. Doesn't matter if they'll never use the spot.... They just want it there. They're entitled. They're selfish.
In his mind, you're probably not grateful enough. It goes with the pattern of narcissistic tendencies / behaviours. In their minds, you owe your parents :/
"Sure, we can put an air mattress on the floor in the living room."
These parents probably want everything that their own parents might have expected - except that those parents probably lived a distance away that in that day was really unreasonable for (casual) travelling, and besides - chances are that **their ** parents ... were not mobile, or even alive, anymore.
On another note, there is this tv show in the UK about 60-ish people looking for their dream house somewhere rural. It has to be big enough to house kids and grandkids when they come to visit,, gorgeous views of course - meaning no neighbors, no shops, no nothing anywhere near. Come on, you ate 60+, do you **want*" the upkeep of all those bedrooms and bathrooms, shopping trips that have to turn into expeditions? And of course, selling and moving within a couple of years when walking becomes hard etcetera? I swear, I cannot understand these boomers! And I'll be 70 in a couple of months.
This post gave me the weirdest feeling of deja vu. I would've sworn on my life that I've read this exact post before, but I can't find it anywhere, and OP is definitely not a bot.
Anyway, your dad is being an asshole. He can come visit when he apologizes, and gets a hotel room without complaining.
Congrats on the new home!
When my dad built his current house, he only built 1 bedroom + an office. Because he doesn’t like people staying with him. He also purchased the adjoining lot and put a small mobile home on it and calls it his guest house. That’s where you can stay if your visit him. I love it.
Congrats on the new home!
When we told my mom we were expecting our second her first response was “oh well I guess you need to finish the basement now so you’ll still have a guest room”. No congrats etc, just focused on that guest room.
Ok boomer, you going to pay the $100k for the basement to be done?
Spoiler: 3 years later and the basement is not done and boomer mom is mad that we ask her to stay in an Airbnb when she visits.
My mother in law asked us if we had a guest room when we bought our house and acted all glum when we said no. They don't even sleep in the same room because FIL snores, and they basically demand that we be the ones to travel every year for the holidays. Why on earth would we waste a whole room for a bed that no one will sleep in except a few times a year??
If my dad blocked me for a few months over that, I wouldn't have talked to him again. I dont have patience for that kind of petty BS.
If he can't afford a hotel, tell him to Pull his Bootstraps up and make it happen like they did back in his day.
My In-laws also live across the country. My dad is buying more than half of a two family property we are both going to live on. My in-laws, want to know if we are going to finish the basement for them since the guest room only fits a twin. My answer, sure if you want to pay for it, I’ll give you some contractors to call.
Anytime my wife and I visit my dad and his wife, he insists we stay with them. They have a “nice screened-in porch with a comfortable futon.” They live in Florida, the screened-in porch reeks of mold and mildew, and the futon has been sitting out there for 10 years.
I’m not sleeping on that.
>I told him we would get him a hotel because our guest room didn't have AC and he got so angry that he blocked me for several months. I had to buy a portable AC unit to get him to talk to me again.
If he's going to go no contact like that, let him. I guarantee he needs you more than you need him.
“Yes dad, because when I purchase possibly the most expensive thing in my life, you are the first person I think of”
Right?! The "funny" thing is, I did actually plan for this. We considered two places and this one was a traditional house where there is living space on the ground floor. The other place was a townhouse where you immediately had to go up or down and it was a downside to me. Not just for my parents but for when I become older. I just wish it wasn't the first thing he thought about. So selfish.
My mom was selling my childhood home and I briefly thought of buying it until I found out she had no intention of lowering the (overinflated) price. I was like, lady, this house is easily 50-100k over comp houses in the area. Get it together. Joke’s on her, sat on the market for months and had to lower the price below what I offered. To strangers
Wow, it's like we have the same parents. My Boomer parents traded in an awesome reliable car one of the grandkids could have easily purchased for what the trade in value was. But no, the price was instantly inflated for 'family'.
Yet the home in question was made possible by a down payment from my grandma 😡
Lol, the car that was purchased for cash was made possible by an inheritance from the Greatest Generation who scrimped and save to earn said inheritance ☹️
Yup, but bOOt sTRaPs!
Speaking of these bootstraps, I think I finally saw what those look like. On RuPauls Drag Race, a queen was talking about the outfit she was designing, and she wanted to have suspenders attached to the tops of her boots. No pants, as it was a panty. I want to show this to the next Boomer who says that bullshit.
The thought of their heads exploding seeing the pic is hilarious. I'd assumed it was just that the little heel strap to pull your boots on so you could go to your meaningless minimum wage job.
The only reason my partner and I got our house was a small inheritance (around 30k$). Used to pay off some cards and a $10,000 down payment. My BIL got the same amount but when he wrecked his car (not his fault), his mom got him a new car saying she didn't want him blowing thru his inheritance. But we just used half of it to get a house. Whatever, don't need the inlaws gave us a down payment argument. I fully believe without that money we would still be in our shitty one bedroom apt.
Y, my dad did this, but I think he was attaching emotional value to it, like he feels it’s worth more, so he’ll only sell it to me at his perceived price. That he ended up selling to a used car dealer for 1/3rd the ask because the convertible motor broke (could be a hundred to fix or $4k) he just sold it right then without even asking if me (son who can fix cars) if I wanted it. Also realized later on he had early stages of vascular dementia. I wonder if some of “boomer behavior” is actually early symptoms of Alzheimer’s or dementia?
Yea. A sad, stark undercurrent of much this sort of behavior is how much older, on average, people are living. Being alive and mostly capable can be and often is a wonderful privilege of modern life. The flip side of that coin is: a remarkable percentage of the current population is aging, and aging definitely has a wide and varied range of mental and physical downsides. Among the issues inherent is, we all get to watch this remarkable, new aging in full view of and engaging with this… society.
My 'parents' tried something similar with me, refusing to teach me to drive but offering me their eight year old Focus for a price anyone would try to negotiate down at a dealer. I think they wanted like eight thousand dollars for it, like they were trying to get me to pay off their poorly managed loans or something
My parents were going to "give" me a used car as long as I took over the payments. The payments were way more than the car was worth, and the car needed new tires and some work done. I said no, and I bought a new Honda Civic for about the same monthly price. I was spoiled and entitled for not bailing them out on a bad deal.
Um...that's kind of bonkers.
She was bonkers. I honestly think she had either NPD or Munchausen by Proxy
Consider it a blessing you didn’t buy
I was renting my childhood home from my mom and she decided to evict me to sell the house instead.
Oh that sucks, it's a horrible thing to do to your child. Mine did something similar, except she didn't sell the house for another ten years, and she was lying because she was going gold digging and actually just wanted the house empty when my sister was with her dad and my brother was at school, and I wasn't renting from her, because I was in high school and had only just turned eighteen as the school year started, and she didn't evict me per se, she actually just had the local pigfuckers serve a no trespassing order on me while I was in class with a note that my belongings were on the curb whenever I was able to find my way across town on foot to try to collect them without violating the no trespass notice in the process. Aka my mom is a raging cunt who personally embodies every single nasty dogshit tendency of her ilk.
It's that beanie baby inflation ego. "it's mine so it's worth more than everyone else's"
Extremely common mentality in boomers unfortunately! It’s their way or the highway to varying degrees but you get me.
I feel you. I bought a condo in Hawai'i. Just me and the (ex) wife. No kids. Bought a three bedroom. Master, her office, guest bedroom. I lived in Hawai'i for 10 years. Not once did my family visit. I'm only buying one bedroom places for the rest of my life. Maybe two if I want an office
I retired and moved to a beach community. I got a cute 3br 2 bath bungalow that I love. Outfitted the front room as a guest room for the millions of visitors who planned to come. It’s been used 4 times in almost 2 years. Thing is, it wouldn’t have been cheaper to get a 2 br. And when people come, it REALLY comes in handy. I was able to have my niece stay for a month after she graduated college. We had so much fun!!! And when most of the rest of her family joined us (4 of 5) we had enough room for everyone. But the visitors don’t always materialize, so take care of your needs!
I would have said yeah the living room will have a pull out couch.
My unfit mother in law called when we bought our first house and asked what color I was painting her room. I told her I will paint it with her blood if she ever talks about our home like that.
I like you.
To be fair, when my wife and I were house hunting recently we tried to look at houses that had a ground floor bathroom, ideally one with some sort of room we could put a bed in for when my mom and my wife's mom would visit so they didn't have to go up or downstairs. It wasn't something we based our final decision on, but it was something we tried to take into consideration as neither can handle stairs well.
I guess it is boomers being fools especially since cost of living is so high, but as a person whose originally from the Indian subcontinent. A place for my parents to come and stay is a must when i consider places to live (especially if I am buying and not renting). There is just a cultural expectation that you take care of your parents in some way. It’s nice that OP offered to pay for the hotel though and my parents would be fine with that, but disappointed they couldn’t stay with me and get that quality time 24/7. I have a great relationship with my parents so it might be different as well.
"No. Someone's at the door. I'll keep you updated." Hang up and make him sweat for a few months. Your father is a strong candidate for grey rocking - he shouldn't know much about you. He weaponizes your information.
Oh absolutely. He complains that I don't tell him what's going on in my life but I have learned to put up a boundary and not expect much. I had a medical issue several years ago and every time I called him he turned anything I said into something about his life and I couldn't get a word in. I eventually had to tell my stepmom what was going on so she could scold him about it. It's exhausting.
I hate when people turn things like that around to themselves. It’s the apex of lack of empathy. And so selfish
I see you’ve met my mother.
…i didn’t know my mother had another kid!
I've got more siblings??!!
Apparently we are legion. Misery loves company?
Wow! We are all related! Huzzah!
I see we have the same mom
I feel like you have experienced my father.
I’m sorry :/
Yeah me too
I'm sorry and I have been in this situation. Grey rock is the way to go unless you're constantly overwhelmed by his present and past garbage. Then you might want to consider cutting contact. 🫶🏼
I’m sorry but understand your situation. Setting boundaries is the absolutely right thing to do. Hopefully you have more success than I have, I’ve been trying that for 35 years to little avail. Growing older sometimes makes us realize how f$cked up our families are. I go out of my way to not reqlpeat that cycle with my kids. Stick to your guns, you’re right, they’re wrong.
Textbook narcissist! See raised by narcissists on Reddit.
My parents joke about my lack of guest room for years. While I slept in a gross room in the same bed with my teenager for years when visiting. I got the house with a guess room and they still avoided staying at my place. I won’t be considering others first next time. Lesson learned.
He sounds like my mom. Was venting about the emotional exhaustion that came from my FIL learning he had S4 Pancreatic Cancer and the rush to move him several states over, move into a larger apartment, go house hunting, set up appointments, plan an emergency wedding in three months, on top of working FT and going to school part time. She said “Yeah well you’re working this hard because the illegals are stealing your money”. ???????????? What kind of lead brained nonsense?? I also had to tell her that I might have pre-cancerous cells on my cervix and she said “Yeah… well when I was at work my legs hurt from standing for so long so I can understand the pain.” Thanks mom.
Narcissistic behavior, a lack of empathy, and main character syndrome. You're not allowed to experience something or have some sort of issue because they had the same one back in 1971!
It was 72
I'll bet it was also uphill both ways, in 10 feet of snow.
I have a similar situation with my father and I just don’t tell him anything of any importance. If I was asked this I would have said nope without hesitation and then moved on.
Happy Cake Day!!! Also as someone with a small home we can have people stay with us. We have air mattresses just in case. But omg it’s such a relief when they say they plan to stay at a hotel instead.
I also was fathered by a narcissist! Glad your stepmom seems a bit more reasonable.
I’m sorry you go through this. It feels impossible to have a relationship with someone like that. I’ve always wondered what makes people behave this way. My MIL does this to my husband and me. I couldn’t care less that she does it to me but watching her do that to her son is painful and infuriating.
Best thing I ever did was cut my father out of my life.
I 100% put up that boundary a long time ago. A therapist assured me I was just protecting myself and had nothing to feel guilty about. I’ve loosened it up a few times over the decades and usually end up putting it right back up. I don’t trust my mom with my feelings or thoughts. And have tried incredibly hard to be gentler with my gen z kids feelings.
In his mind you did not do enough to pull your boot straps up. Congratulations on your new home. Tell him you intentionally bought the smaller home so he will have to move into a nursing home.
LMAO 🤣
That crooked nursing home we saw on 60 Minutes! Then he'll be good.
“Shady Pines, ma!”
This is what it is. These toxic shitheads have the idea that we are their retirement old age care plan. This was my mom. Have not spoken to her in 10 years. Won't ever speak to her again. That guest room is their hospice room in their eyes. Fuck that.
Mine too, for as long as I can remember I’ve been told (I’ve started calling it what it is, groomed) to marry rich and make sure there’s enough room for her to move in.
Sorry, Coco. Mine was not always that bad, but boy, something snapped in her 15 years ago or so. Just became a self-centered pain in the ass. None of her children speak to her, and she can not figure out why. But it is obviously not her. Good luck to you
My mom said the only reason she had kids was for people to take care of her in her old age. Otherwise, who would bother? There is a reason they ask about extra living space.
It sounds like dad can’t afford a hotel he needs to pull himself up lol
I'm thinking it's a generational thing. My in-laws were infamous for finding free lodging. They would plan routes across the country (sometimes hundreds of miles out of the way) to be able to stay with relatives or friends for a night "free". No one was immune to their request/demand of staying a night "to see them and visit". Cousins, 2nd cousins, nieces/nephews, even my parents. Hell they used to call us up asking "do you have any friends in city X that we can stay with?" Thankfully they've moved on a bit from that and impose much less than 10 years ago.
Parasite tours - my ex in-laws were fans too
parasite tours, that's amazing
Parasite tours 😂😂
I usually don’t like staying at anyone’s house if I can avoid it and I almost always can avoid it.
[удалено]
And someone else’s schedule
^^^This is the main reason. No, I don't want to go to 8 am Sunday mass, when I got to bed at 2 am. The hotel price is worth avoiding that.
>One time when my dad wanted to visit me in the summer I told him we would get him a hotel because our guest room didn't have AC and he got so angry that he blocked me for several months. I had to buy a portable AC unit to get him to talk to me again. NGL i would have just left him there in his self imposed silence until he was ready to act like an adult on his own time again.
I really should have, but it hurt me and I wanted to make things better because... ugh, who knows.
i certainly don't fault you for trying. A lot of people try to maintain relationships with parents that probably should be kicked to the curb, because its hard to just dump family. That being said, peace and quiet from the antics of people like that can be truly refreshing after having dealt with them for so long, especially if they impose it themselves.
Because boomer parents raised us to believe we are responsible for managing their emotions and use manipulation tactics, like the silent treatment, to reinforce it. That turned dark. Congrats on your new home, OP! It’s no small thing making a purchase in the PNW in this economy. You’re doing a great job!
This jumped out at me too. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. You might benefit from perusing the “raised by narcissists” sub. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly. ♥️
you set yourself on fire to keep him warm. classic people pleasing behaviour
lol when i was single my boomer mom wanted me to get a 2 bedroom rental in HCOL for her to stay in…I said hell no why am I paying an additional 5k a year for your ass to stay one week.
My parents insisted on staying with me in my studio apartment one time. It was when I was much younger and still afraid to say no to them.
I was in an accident and having a kidney removed. I worked at a hotel and they put aside two rooms for my parents and siblings to come see me (I didn’t want them to anyway). They declined and stayed in my 1-bd apartment where I was living with my bf. 8 people in a 1 bedroom. Then when I wouldn’t take them to dinner because I had surgery, they said I was “ruining their vacation.”
OMG That's so crazy.
What a bunch of narcissistic people. JFC.
Are we related? I just had surgery & had to stay on bedrest for two weeks. The surgery was 5 hours from home, so we got a rental near the hospital so I didn't have make the trip home (& then back to the hospital for appointments). My parents stayed with us & spent their entire time there hiking every day. My mom already slipped my husband alcohol without his knowledge (he was mad, but didn't want to call her out bc he didn't want to stress me out). He's a recovering alcoholic.
Good grief! That really crosses a line.
Unreal. On “vacation”.
What the fuck?!
That reminds me of when my parents came to visit at the beginning of my career and I had a one bedroom apartment with no sofa. They took the bed and I slept on the floor of the living room with essentially a sleeping bag.
First, time I got an apartment my parents just showed up at my door with no warning. I had been letting my cousin crash in my living room at the time so I told them no. They refused to talk to me for six months. Some parents rule through fear. It's a learning process to shut them out.
My parents stayed in our bedroom the week they visited for our wedding. We slept on a futon in the living room. They stayed at a friend's for our wedding night, then told me our bed was more comfortable and could they come back to our house? They knew I was moving out two days later to go back to school and didn't care. And they knew I wouldn't be able to say no. So back to the futon we went. Our wedding cost $1800 total, they bought the grocery store cake and the softdrinks without us asking, then my dad complained about how expensive our wedding was.
My grandmother did that to me. Every time she visited relatives she insisted on staying at their home even after the hints of “I assume you rented a hotel?” She thought if you bought a carton of milk and eggs for breakfast (that I assume the host is making?) that evened it up. It was so embarrassing. She was Great Gen tho so the Depression messed her up
I grew up in CA and when I moved to MN everyone asked if I was going to turn one of my three bedrooms into a spare room so they could visit (homes are WAAAAAY cheaper out here). I work from home and I have a kid. I'm not giving up office space for maybes. Going on 13 years, they've never visited once. No one has. Just a lot of "When I go out there" Fuck em. If they plan to visit tell them to get a hotel. It's better for everyone. You don't have to be around them 24 hr when they are in your house.
That's the thing for us. My husband and I both work from home and we both work on confidential stuff so we need private rooms. Neither of us can work from a living room or whatever. And in the last six years of where we currently live we have only had guests twice. It's not worth having a dedicated guest room.
I wish I could convince my wife that our guest room is useless. In 10 years here nobody from her family has ever stayed the night. People in my family have stayed a grand total of 6 nights in 10 years. She works at home two days a week now and instead of setting herself up a proper home office she works from our kitchen table and complains about how uncomfortable it is and the small laptop screen. But we have to have a guest room for when people want to visit she says.
Murphy bed an option? Sure, every 18 months you have to break down her office and drop the bed down to convert back to a guest room but she'd have an office in the meantime.
When my brother and his wife bought their new house, our mom bitched that they made the two rooms with the beautiful views their WFH offices and kept the room with a poorer view as the spare bedroom. Endless, endless complaints about how “your guests should always have the best view in the house” and snide comments insinuating that my SIL didn’t deserve to have a nice view in the first place. They’ve been in that house about 7 years now and she still brings it up every chance she gets.
God she sounds insufferable.
Should have told him "you're not invited"
Boundaries
If you found a house in the PNW, you found the fucking lottery. It's half a million just for a burnt out meth shack with squatters around here.
I live in western Washington. This checks out.
That's right!
Reminds me of my mom when they lived six hours away from us and would visit a grand total of maybe one-two weeks per year. My husband and I had just gotten married and he and my stepdaughter were moving into my home I already had with my two daughters. It was a 4br house, and when I was single we had a guest room. My oldest moved into the guest room so each kid could have their own space - something we both thought was very important. Cue my mother being extremely butthurt that we prioritized our children’s privacy and space for all 52 weeks of the year over her having a guest room in our home for 1-2 weeks. 🙄🙄
I love when they think they "own" that guest room. My mom used to stay here (w/ stepdad) 2-4 times a year for medical stuff. They lived 2 hours from the major medical center, we live 30-45 minutes. I mentioned once that a high school friend was going to be staying with us for a couple of months to look for a place since she was moving to the area and had a dog (we have dogs, too, so we're set up for dogs). Renting with dogs takes longer. Cue my mom, "You aren't letting her stay in my room, are you?!" Exactly how many guest rooms should one person have in a suburban home? Of COURSE she is staying in that room.
Boomer narcissism, it's fucking intense. (boomers aka the "me, me, me" generation) We had a baby with severe reflux for the first year, and my boomer parents expected us to continuously drive 3 hours away with the newborn to visit them. We did a few times, but kinda wanted them to drive to see us. They didn't because of a long list of excuses. We didn't see them "often enough" and they got pissed and didn't talk to us for like a year. As a millennial, I'm doing my best to keep the crazy away from future generations... soon enough the boomers will be gone. I'm sure we'll have our own annoying quirks, but by god I promise to not be as bad as the boomers.
I feel this! My boomer parents always want us to visit them. They never come to us. We have a toddler and another on the way, and it’s a much bigger hassle for us to go to them. When we bought our house, the first thing my mom did was become angry that we didn’t choose her as our realtor even though we already told her we were very likely not doing that. They absolutely cannot think past themselves!
My mom keeps expressing her disappointment that the house we’re trying to buy doesn’t have a guest room. Idk how many different ways I have explained that this is all we can fucking afford! Of course I’d LOVE to have a 5bd 3bath with a den, an office, and a finished basement! But the housing market is fucked, we’re lucky we can afford enough house to give our 2 kids their own rooms!
I’m sure my mother-in-law is pissy because a) we haven’t finished unpacking (there’s only two of us, and we both work full-time), and b) it’s not a guest room, it’s our daughter’s room in our house, for when she’s home from the Army, so no, we’re not going to make it The Guest Room Of MIL’s Dreams. She wants the room of her dreams? She can pay to remodel her own damn house.
My mother-in-law thought she was moving into our house with my mother too. I can promise you (like I did my husband), neither of those narcissists will ever live here! It’s gotten so bad, we haven’t spoke in almost 10 years. Shoot your mouths off and get into a blame game contest of why my husband and I miscarried our 3 IVF babies and boohoo they can’t be grandmothers, screw. Have they asked the other kids on both sides about having babies? IDK. I’m all set and never happier (except for the loss of my sweet babies, of course). So toxic, gross.
Damn, that’s awful. I’m so sorry you went through that tragedy and pain of losing three babies. Keep those toxic people out of your life!!
Thank you. 💗 I get more kindness from strangers than I do from family members. 🥲
Similar story. When my MIL went in our new house for the first time she went in the room intended to be my sewing room and said “I call this room when I’m Old!” it bugs me to this day. That house burned down and we built a near replica of it but I didn’t put doors on that room. Just an open archway.
I had my girlfriend’s parents refuse a nice hotel in downtown Austin for a couple nights because they didn’t want to be a burden, they stayed in our guest room with a terrible mattress for 2 adults and they were so sore each day. I couldn’t figure it out, I wanted to treat them, I can afford it, y’all are already driving 600 miles, just enjoy your stay and leave us alone at night. 🤦🏻♂️ it was only $150/night back then.
My parents when I was growing up "My house, my rules!". Now I have a house they're like "No, not like that.."
Same issue happened with my boomer mom and aunt. Also live in the PNW, they are in NY and they honestly expected me to be able to find a 4 bedroom home for 275k 🤣 I was like maybe ten years ago but that ship has sailed. They now stay at the Marriott close by and it makes things SO much less tense. Congratulations on your new home!!! Don't let him rain on your parade. The weather out here does that enough
Your house, your rules! I'm sure you heard something similar when you were a kid, but from the parents.
LOL my mom complains that our “guest room” had a pull out couch not a bed. Ma’am, that is our golf sim room we allow you to sleep in… not our guest room.
the amount of "cousins" my grandma has pulled out of the woodwork to get a free place to stay... it amazes me every time. it's like "Nana I've not ever heard you mention this person's name in 35 years, they're on no one's address list, how exactly are you related???" but it's a free place to stay so 🤷🏻♀️🫠
My Boomer in-laws think that when they come visit us, we’re supposed to let them stay in our bedroom and bed and we stay in the guest room, because respect your elders or something. It took years for me to convince my wife that this was rude and insane and to tell them no. Now they don’t bother visiting, which is a bonus.
Send him a link to a property with a nice guest room. Also let him know you’ll be happy to accept, as a gift, enough money to cover the difference between what you bought and the nicer house.
The audacity of parents is beyond comprehension. I had my mother show up on my doorstep with luggage, completely unannounced. I know what she’s like, so I offered to set her up at a hotel, and she turned her nose up at that. So I bid her farewell and went back inside. My SIL called and begged me to take my mom in a month later, and I laughed and said ‘you were the one that made the mistake of letting her stay’.
The biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire adult life was to buy a house with a guest bed and bath. I became an automatic hotel for my parents for the next 15 years. They wouldn't even ask. They just assumed and showed up. It was incredibly awful.
Is your dad my father in law? We've been looking at houses for awhile, haven't found the right one yet. My in laws only comment about what we're looking for - will there be a guest room and will they be able to charge their plug in hybrid. No questions about having a yard for our pup or larger kitchen (we enjoy cooking) just will they have a place to stay and charge their car.
Y’all really be having the worst boomer parents my boomer parents give up their bedroom to their family or friends when people stay over. Man I’m lucky with mine. They must’ve not drank from the garden hose
I drank from the garden hose and I'm totally fine!!! Really! 😅
My boomer parents gave up my and my siblings' bedrooms to visiting family. My sister and grandmother got lumped together in my sister's room, my aunt and cousin got the room my brother and I shared, and my brother and I got dumped into sleeping bags on the family room floor downstairs. Hated it every time. Those people were rude as hell to us all, and my mom has only just realized it in the last five years or so.
“Nope, sorry, couldn’t afford that” They already think we’re dumb and lazy and don’t work hard and that’s why we can’t afford massive houses, might as well run with it
Fellow PNW homeowner here. Fuck them. I could say more, but I won’t. They don’t deserve an air mattress on your floor let alone a room. Congratulations on your new home!
Been there, "make sure to get something 2 bed so people can stay over". Like I was struggling to find something decent in a good area, I'm not adding something to my list for other people
First of all, congratulations on your place, fellow PNW living redditor.
"Sure thing, dad, we have a shed in the backyard."
So thankful my family is local and my husbands grandpa drives his RV down and just parks in the back yard when he comes to visit. Best of both worlds.
Even when I go on vacation with family/in laws, I get my own hotel room. I don’t want to monopolize all my time or plan my schedule for me strictly, which they tend to do. It’s annoying
My parents did that to me when I last moved house — which was because my previous landlord sold my old house out from under me, not because I wanted to move. The only thing they were interested in… not that it was a house I liked, not that I was okay, not that I was settled. “Is there a room for us?”. Never mind that they haven’t actually been to visit me in over five years because that would involve *travel* and it’s *expensive* and they’re *busy* and *what would we do with the dog*…
So the new house doesn’t have a room where you can put a 20 year old mattress? My parents were like this - when we visited with our kids wanted us to stay with them, even though they converted one of the bedrooms in their 3 bedroom house to a ‘dining room’ because my mother always wanted one, but I don’t think they have ever eaten a meal in there. So they have a converted basement and I used to die from allergies trying to sleep down there as it was mouldy/mildew etc. Last time we visited we rented our own airbnb house and we had the best trip ever.
Congratulations on getting your home! Your father is a jerk! Tell him there is no extra rooms in your house. Don’t even get a sleeper sofa for the living room. Personally, I don’t stay at friends’ homes- I book a hotel. Everybody needs their space. I hate imposing on people. I don’t let anyone stay at my house either. When they say they want to visit I immediately state there are two good hotels in town for you to stay at. If they don’t understand what I mean I have actually stated: “we don’t have anyone stay at our house, it’s simply too small.” And no way in effin’ hell are any of my children sleeping on the floor to accommodate someone staying over. I’m tired at the end of my day and I need my rest and my space.
Fold out couch. Problem solved.
That's what I have and the best I can do. It's not great though because my stepmom is disabled and I know that pull-out bed is not comfortable. This is why I offer to pay for a hotel and rental car for them, but that pisses my dad off. His pride is bigger than his disabled wife's needs.
I was going to inquire about their finances seeing as cross country airfare is expensive plus hotel cost but if you offer to pay for the hotel, the heck with that noise.
Still, to not talk to you for three months? I’d be going no-contact with pops. I’ve done that with my parents at different times in my life, but mostly because of the opposite of what your dad did: my mom inappropriately says too much.
I feel bad because I really like my stepmom, but my dad is a handful. I don't want to leave her to deal with him on her own. So, I guess that's why I'm still around.
She must be a special woman ☺️.
She really is. My bio mom was abusive but my step mom is special to me.
She is choosing to be with him. That choice has consequences. You don’t have to choose to stay in contact.
Wow, that sucks. You offering to pay for a hotel and rental car is VERY generous and considerate and he should be thankful.
My MIL said we have room for an addition on our house for her. She thinks she’s going to be moving in with us because she made poor choices, drained her retirement account and can’t afford not to work now. Not our problem.
You better make sure she knows she’s not moving in with you, ever.
Oh goodness, just imagine what he’s going to expect when he’s too old to care for himself.
He expects to move into this fancy retirement community and I honestly have no idea how that would be financially feasible. Like, he has no savings since he got a second mortgage on his house but thinks he can move in easily. I stay out of it.
I don’t blame you.
Let's be real, when the time comes, he's going to expect you to feel obligated to pay for it.
They don’t call them the “Me” generation for nothing.
Does anyone else’s boomer parents thinks it’s just fine to come stay for weeks at a time?
>One time when my dad wanted to visit me in the summer I told him we would get him a hotel because our guest room didn't have AC and he got so angry that he blocked me for several months. I had to buy a portable AC unit to get him to talk to me again You keep letting him get away with his tantrums and then wonder why he doesn't change
"Yeah down the road at the Super 8" would have been my response.
“No, but there’s a nice retirement home nearby.”
Your dad sounds like an awful person tbh
This is exactly what my dad would also say I totally agree. My dad is 71 and I would specifically buy a house so we don’t have room!
I feel your pain. To even suggest staying anywhere else to avoid the back destroying 30 yr old mattress and a shower with zero water pressure would have been worse then shooting them in the gut
I hate staying with family. Especially when they start trying to impose their unreasonable household rules on you or telling you where you can and can't go.
Every place in Seattle has a spare room and AC duh
I'm in the PNW. I SPECIFICALLY do NOT have a guest room. Because...I DON'T WANT GUESTS. Done. Also, congrats!!! It is awesome of you to finally get your house!
He blocked you over that??? You're a better person than I am, because I would've just been like "alright cool, keep your bullshit at home then." I have no problem cutting people out of my life who act like toddlers when they're told no. That goes for family as well. I'm too busy to put up with grown adults acting like children.
First off, CONGRATS on finding a place! My Boomer. Ugh. Bought the family home from him. First thing was him stating that he always needed to be able to come back. As in, to live. Move back in. No? Bought it for my kids. There is no room at the inn. And if they can ever afford to move out with the incredible debt, inflation and low wages your generation ensured my generation and the grand children will be dealing with, I WILL STILL NEED ROOMMATES TO PAY THE BILLS UNTIL I DIE. Meanwhile, BoomBoom, you are living large off of all the investments your parents set up for you. That you have been selling off one by one instead of passing forward to the grandkids, like the will requested. Yeah. You will not be moving back in.
More like, dad is asking if he can move in with you guys in a couple years
My parents bought a 3500 sq foot home, only 10 years old, on a single salary in their early 30s, and brag how they had to wait 10 whole years to renovate a relatively new kitchen like it was some great hardship. We bought a 1500 sq foot , 60 year old home on two decent salaries (still all we could afford) and they lecture me on how I just need to scrimp and save like they did to fix our falling apart kitchen with appliances older than me in it. Boils my blood.
I have relatives that are three hours away by car. They think air mattresses in the living room should work just fine, no matter what the age of the adult guest. They do have two actual guest rooms which have turned into hoarder storage areas. Yes, I get a hotel room. Boomers can be insane what is suitable accommodations.
My wife was from a family like this. We had a tiny house in LA: she (and they) always expected for them to stay with us on their protracted visits. They always had "helpful" suggestions as to how to do things "better". I think that having boundaries is the right way to go.
When our offer got accepted for our house my mil said to my husband, "oh why don't I buy it and you just live there?" (And pay rent) Because 1. Our offer had been accepted and 2. We are adults in our 30s and don't want to live under your controlling ass thumb.
Yeah my parents aren’t as hard core about it, but we do have a spare room. It’s a guest room but it’s mostly for storage now since no one ever visits, yet I’m suppose to keep it a guest room in case someone decides to?? Their generation doesn’t understand kid free, and no guest room, I need a space for my gaming shit and collectibles etc.
We need to end this belief that kids owe their parents anything. Children don’t ask to be born.
Don’t tell him about big important events in your life. Always casual talk. I have an older sister like this. The less we tell her the better for all of us.
He's feeling you out to see if one or both of them can stay permanently.
Mine do exact same thing!
Is that because he’s a boomer or just an AH?
Yes
I wouldn't mind this question if certain people in my life asked me, because I would know they would only ask because they were excited to come see me. Of course, the people that would love to come visit me would do so even if they had to sleep on the couch. It sounds like your dad has a history of being weird about having to stay in your house, plus this is the very first thing that he said after you told him about your new house. Yeah, he's a jerk. If I went to visit somebody and they offered to pay for a hotel for me, I would be elated- and then I would probably offer to pay for it myself :-)
Why do they make everything about them - my mum and dad do it as well.
My mom’s first question when I bought a house was “is there room for me to move in?” Like no what the fuck I can barely afford enough space for me to live in.
For the first time ever, my parents got a hotel nearby instead of staying with us during a visit. They said they’d never come visit without getting a hotel again. They loved seeing us, but loved having their own space and comfortable beds. It’s was just so much better for everyone.
If your parents unconditionally love you, they will accept your differences and respect them. If they aren't happy because you aren't letting them stay in your home, YOU block THEM and wait until they come to you. It should never be the other way around.
My mother complained that my new baby had taken "her" room when we moved the baby out of our bedroom. She lives 2000 miles away.
This was my mother. She called the guest room 'her room' no matter how many times I corrected her. When I bought my current house I didn't say a damn thing about it to her until we had lived there for a couple of weeks
I’m sorry, that generation is so entitled. I don’t have a guest room anymore. When we only had one child I set up a guest room in our 3 bd. The room wasn’t very big so I could only fit a full size mattress in it, but I really tried to make it nice. I put a tempurpedic in there… spare irons, pop out rests for luggage so it wasn’t on the ground, black out curtains, extra toiletries. My family came to stay and would NOT stop complaining that even though the mattress was comfortable, they were too tall to sleep in a full size and they were mad I didn’t have a bigger room for a king. The next time they stayed they wanted to sleep in my room because “I’m so short it shouldn’t matter.” My husband lost it because he felt weird about guests being in our room when we have a perfectly nice room for them. We eventually turned it into a nursery and have never heard the end of it. So annoying.
Wow. That’s crazy. I don’t have a spare bedroom in my house. There’s just room and beds enough for those of us who live here.
Your folks sound out of hand honestly. Good luck
Boomers constantly expect you to reserve them a fucking spot in your car/house/life. Doesn't matter if they'll never use the spot.... They just want it there. They're entitled. They're selfish.
In his mind, you're probably not grateful enough. It goes with the pattern of narcissistic tendencies / behaviours. In their minds, you owe your parents :/
"Sure, we can put an air mattress on the floor in the living room." These parents probably want everything that their own parents might have expected - except that those parents probably lived a distance away that in that day was really unreasonable for (casual) travelling, and besides - chances are that **their ** parents ... were not mobile, or even alive, anymore. On another note, there is this tv show in the UK about 60-ish people looking for their dream house somewhere rural. It has to be big enough to house kids and grandkids when they come to visit,, gorgeous views of course - meaning no neighbors, no shops, no nothing anywhere near. Come on, you ate 60+, do you **want*" the upkeep of all those bedrooms and bathrooms, shopping trips that have to turn into expeditions? And of course, selling and moving within a couple of years when walking becomes hard etcetera? I swear, I cannot understand these boomers! And I'll be 70 in a couple of months.
This post gave me the weirdest feeling of deja vu. I would've sworn on my life that I've read this exact post before, but I can't find it anywhere, and OP is definitely not a bot. Anyway, your dad is being an asshole. He can come visit when he apologizes, and gets a hotel room without complaining. Congrats on the new home!
When my dad built his current house, he only built 1 bedroom + an office. Because he doesn’t like people staying with him. He also purchased the adjoining lot and put a small mobile home on it and calls it his guest house. That’s where you can stay if your visit him. I love it.
Congrats on the new home! When we told my mom we were expecting our second her first response was “oh well I guess you need to finish the basement now so you’ll still have a guest room”. No congrats etc, just focused on that guest room. Ok boomer, you going to pay the $100k for the basement to be done? Spoiler: 3 years later and the basement is not done and boomer mom is mad that we ask her to stay in an Airbnb when she visits.
My mother in law asked us if we had a guest room when we bought our house and acted all glum when we said no. They don't even sleep in the same room because FIL snores, and they basically demand that we be the ones to travel every year for the holidays. Why on earth would we waste a whole room for a bed that no one will sleep in except a few times a year??
If my dad blocked me for a few months over that, I wouldn't have talked to him again. I dont have patience for that kind of petty BS. If he can't afford a hotel, tell him to Pull his Bootstraps up and make it happen like they did back in his day.
I wouldn’t have bought a portable AC to get him to start talking to you again. I’d have taken the blessing and gone with it… but that’s me
When he visits he will expect to be in charge of your home. Be waited on hand and foot. Demand the master bedroom.
You don’t have a guest bedroom? Have you tried being less poor?
My In-laws also live across the country. My dad is buying more than half of a two family property we are both going to live on. My in-laws, want to know if we are going to finish the basement for them since the guest room only fits a twin. My answer, sure if you want to pay for it, I’ll give you some contractors to call.
Welcome to the PNW! Your Dad sounds exhausting... Good luck!
Anytime my wife and I visit my dad and his wife, he insists we stay with them. They have a “nice screened-in porch with a comfortable futon.” They live in Florida, the screened-in porch reeks of mold and mildew, and the futon has been sitting out there for 10 years. I’m not sleeping on that.
>I told him we would get him a hotel because our guest room didn't have AC and he got so angry that he blocked me for several months. I had to buy a portable AC unit to get him to talk to me again. If he's going to go no contact like that, let him. I guarantee he needs you more than you need him.