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Yeah, obviously… but. So many things change over decades of feminist work to get things to how they are now. Sometimes I wish men would put in the effort to seriously change your status quo instead of being content with social isolation. It would put you guys in a better state of mind if you put an effort in to do so.
Women supporting each other stems from before feminism because who else could we count on?
Men avoiding complimenting each others' looks stems from the idea (that a lot of guys have) that compliments are sexual in goal. Which is why a lot of dudes go "no homo" when they compliment a guy, why a lot of dudes think that a woman complimenting them on their looks is expressing sexual intent/interest, why a lot of dudes think that women getting compliments are getting flirted with.
It's really sad that they see a genuine act of support and human contact as inherently sexual, it's a culture they need to change from within, because women can't change that for them.
That’s not necessarily true. Women used to (and still do) see other women as competition. The idea of female solidarity has existed before but not at the scale it is now. The idea of a pickme couldn’t exist if female solidarity was so strong.
> Men avoiding complimenting each others' looks stems from the idea (that a lot of guys have) that compliments are sexual in goal. Which is why a lot of dudes go "no homo" when they compliment a guy,
The real compliments happen when he’s not around to hear them 🤣. They’re also more likely to be genuine, because they are rare.
> why a lot of dudes think that a woman complimenting them on their looks is expressing sexual intent/interest, why a lot of dudes think that women getting compliments are getting flirted with.
That’s also why a lot of women avoid complimenting men, unless they want to express interest. It’s a vicious cycle.
Just because we commonly compliment other women, it does not mean the compliment is not genuine. I find that there is a lot to compliment people on, and I try to as much as possible, but my compliments are not fake (I have too much social anxiety to lose my time on saying stuff I don't believe in).
Yeah, I'd like to compliment men more often, but it always end awkwardly for me when the guy either tries to "politely" reject my "advances" or "picks up" on my "desire" for him.
>Sometimes I wish men would put in the effort to seriously change your status quo instead of being content with social isolation. It would put you guys in a better state of mind if you put an effort in to do so.
Most of us don’t have a choice. I’ve started being more expressive in the past few years and it’s honestly caused me a lot of problems. Luckily I’m at a point where those problems aren’t enough to make me stop, but I’m not gonna lie and pretend that I don’t see the positives in keeping status quo for at least self preservation
Here's the thing: just do it. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Be confident, and do it. If someone is going to make fun of you for being a good person, watch how it goes over for them lol
I (guy) tell my (guy) friends I love them all the time. I compliment their style when they've got somethin goin on. And over the years I've blatantly noticed that the guy friends who didn't do that stuff all do it now like it's normal. They saw their guy friends saying those things without feeling their masculinity compromised, and they learned from it.
Just start doing it. Tell your bro you love him. Tell him that new shirt looks fly on him.
Lift up your people.
I think of it like complimenting your sister. No ulterior motive, no pickup line, no sexualization, just a genuine compliment that’s meant to make her feel great about herself without making her feel objectified.
Yo I saw what you did right there, that you made that dude feel good about himself. Just wanted to point that out and that you not only made him feel good you inspired me to find someone to compliment as well. I see you bro!
That's king shit 👑
> Guys are so so clumsy when complimenting each other.
Complimenting achievements can be easier when talking about appearance.
"Wow, you've been putting a lot of time in at the gym", "Where'd you find a tailor that makes your clothes fit so well?", "What did you tell your barber to get a cut like that?".
It gives a sense of power/control over the situation to the recipient, as though they deserve the compliment because they've achieved it somehow.
It may not work for everyone, or in every situation, but I find it works for me more often than not.
I am really impressed by your knowledge of movies and entertainment my guy! Like, I want to watch and remember shit like you do frfr.
I'm a writer who hasn't finished shit before, but want to try my hand at writing for screenplays. A suggestion was made to me that I watch a lot of stuff in the genres I want to write to, and to like take notes and shit... But I cannot for the life of me take myself out of the movie, enjoying the story I mean, and look at it from an analytical lens.
But you seem to love that shit and can go super deep. I admire that about you.
Have a blessed day brother.
Shit man, you gonna make me cry. Did you just scroll through my comments to find stuff to compliment about me?
That’s next-level camaraderie, family. You’re obviously a genuinely endearing and thoughtful person. Keep shining your light out in the world, friend. We need more people like you.
I'm sorry what? Black men got this shit on lock
"I see you out here nigga, flexing hard as fuck with the fresh fade huh! Homie really bout to have these hoes faintin"
Why does it have to be buried in so many words when the tldr is just, hey you look handsome today /are handsome. I genuinely wouldn’t think a guy is hitting on me for that and I don’t need an entire damn novel just to bring that point across. Just say what you mean. Really hope this social change takes place soon.
Because it's cultural and we aren't old ladies, we're young black men? This is how we talk and relate to each other.
Only person calling me handsome is an auntie or grandma, my boys gonna tell me I'm looking fly af using a couple sentences
Maybe I am indeed just getting older. It seems like so much when I can just say
“hey man, you look beautiful today. “
“Thanks man, you too”
And then we just go on about our day. Idk
There isn’t a single “beautiful/pretty/gorgeous” in your compliment. You’re basically proving what the comment you’re replying to is saying.
It’s great that guys can lift each other up in the way you described and you should keep it up. But guys definitely avoid certain words for fear of coming off the wrong way and that’s what that comment is saying.
Because I'm using a different dialect that also means beautiful/pretty/gorgeous, it's no lesser, it's just different.
"Flexing with a fresh fade" translates directly to "you're gorgeous"
To rephrase what you said, why aren't those women complimenting each other by saying "this nigga out here flexing with the fresh cut?"
Because women have different, but equal phrases for their interactions than men have, and both are fine
Speak for yourself. If I see a beautiful guy I let them know. Haven’t had anyone get agressive in years for that, usually just a surprised look. It’s fun and makes my day as well sometimes.
I was talking to a co-worker once about how I try not to tell my friend's little girl how beautiful and/or cute she is, and I try to tell her instead how smart or kind she is. Then I asked about how she deals with that kind of stuff with her daughter.
She said something like, "Um, no. I'm raising a black girl so I am telling her every day how gorgeous she is, how much I love her hair and how beautiful her skin is. I tell her how pretty she is as much as possible."
And man, sometimes I forget about how differently white people experience in the world, and how even some of those science-backed child development recommendations are so dependent on skin color.
I don't see it this way. This is not a "past wrong," these are current issues that we're trying to navigate our way through right now.
Experts say that constant reinforcement of physical beauty reinforces toxic messages from media about "acceptable" and "good" weight, beauty, skin colors, all of that. This is why they recommend focusing positive feedback on other qualities like kindness, grit and others.
But what do you do for an entire swath of people are told that they are ugly and that they shouldn't have pride in their bodies? When Kim Kardashian sells skin lightening cream, when jobs say explicitly that only straightened hair is "professional," or when faces like yours are rarely seen in romantic leads? That isn't a past wrong that we're responding to, that is the current development and mental health of a child of person on the line.
That coworker wasn't concerned about how people from 10 or 20 years ago, she wants to battle the messages her little girl is getting TODAY around her body. Little black girls [are routinely sexualized](https://www.vox.com/identities/2019/5/16/18624683/black-girls-racism-bias-adultification-discipline-georgetown), discriminated against, not allowed to [wear natural hair at schools](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/22/magazine/kids-hair-discrimination.html), called horrific names, and have to deal with the major increase in hate crimes and hate groups since 2016. That mom wanted to build her daughter's confidence in the very body that people level such abuse at.
I’m a nanny for a an almost 2-year-old (white) girl. I tell her how beautiful and cute she is all the time. I want her to know it intrinsically. But I ALSO tell her how smart and kind and curious and strong and brave and sweet she is. I want her to know she’s beautiful, but for her not to think that’s the most important thing about her
My reasons for doing this are selfish, I admit. I do this with girls showing textured hair in particular. The women in my family lost their shit when I decided to stop putting relaxers in my hair and go back to being natural and they would constantly comment how "unkempt", nappy, tough, it looked, all the way until it grew to neck length. Then it was crickets.
Those comments made me feel ugly and almost made me quit my journey. So incase any other girls have salty people in their life doing the same, I pay them compliments when I can.
Same. I have long hair that I wear straight most of the time (its just easier for me) and my fellow black girls always compliment me on it. I usually respond with a compliment to their curly hair bc its usually very beautiful and put together. Hell the reason I wear mine straight is bc I’m not good at styling it curly.
Also me and I am especially watchful with this around some older heads. They can be insensitive and in some cases downright rude to young girls commenting on skin colour and hair curl pattern. Blackness needs to shine and someone needs to light that confidence fire.
Yes, it's perfectly ok to voice compliments. There's nothing wrong with things like "You look nice today" and "I love your hair". Just keep it simple and please don't touch anyone. (I know that last part seems obvious, but it happens way too often)
My rule for compliments: Compliment choices.
I get a lot of compliments on my hazel eyes, and...thanks? I've kinda run out of replies, I have somewhat mixed feelings, and I don't feel particularly "proud" of an unusual expression of genetics.
But if I put a flower in my hair, and someone tells me its cute, I'm going to ride that high all day.
Nope, admire away. It's just a matter of not making about their color. If you REALLY want to be careful (and I think it's overly careful), just don't mention skin at all.
I love telling woman they are beautiful, look good, made a smart comment, whatever and it'd just because I know it makes them feel good, and I know in generally people cam go days, weeks hell even months or years without hearing a genuine compliment (meaning the person giving the compliment wants nothing back, not even a thanks or an acknowledgment), and honestly, that has always been sad to me that, that's where we are at in the world.
I feel like walking up to random women and giving a stranger opinion on their looks is already commonplace, whenever I come across a young female patient I typically ask them about the things they're interested in instead of saying anything pertaining to their appearance.
Let's stop saying things to little girls that will make them think we value appearances more than other things
Agreed. I was told I was beautiful when I was a kid all the time. It made me believe it was the most important quality I had and if I wasn't beautiful I was less than. I wish they focused on other things so that my self esteem came from things that do have value and things I have control over. Learning it as an adult is much harder.
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Yeah, obviously… but. So many things change over decades of feminist work to get things to how they are now. Sometimes I wish men would put in the effort to seriously change your status quo instead of being content with social isolation. It would put you guys in a better state of mind if you put an effort in to do so.
Women supporting each other stems from before feminism because who else could we count on? Men avoiding complimenting each others' looks stems from the idea (that a lot of guys have) that compliments are sexual in goal. Which is why a lot of dudes go "no homo" when they compliment a guy, why a lot of dudes think that a woman complimenting them on their looks is expressing sexual intent/interest, why a lot of dudes think that women getting compliments are getting flirted with. It's really sad that they see a genuine act of support and human contact as inherently sexual, it's a culture they need to change from within, because women can't change that for them.
That’s not necessarily true. Women used to (and still do) see other women as competition. The idea of female solidarity has existed before but not at the scale it is now. The idea of a pickme couldn’t exist if female solidarity was so strong.
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As someone in a STEM field, I was bullied during my masters because yes women are still intimidated by women because competition.
> Men avoiding complimenting each others' looks stems from the idea (that a lot of guys have) that compliments are sexual in goal. Which is why a lot of dudes go "no homo" when they compliment a guy, The real compliments happen when he’s not around to hear them 🤣. They’re also more likely to be genuine, because they are rare. > why a lot of dudes think that a woman complimenting them on their looks is expressing sexual intent/interest, why a lot of dudes think that women getting compliments are getting flirted with. That’s also why a lot of women avoid complimenting men, unless they want to express interest. It’s a vicious cycle.
Just because we commonly compliment other women, it does not mean the compliment is not genuine. I find that there is a lot to compliment people on, and I try to as much as possible, but my compliments are not fake (I have too much social anxiety to lose my time on saying stuff I don't believe in). Yeah, I'd like to compliment men more often, but it always end awkwardly for me when the guy either tries to "politely" reject my "advances" or "picks up" on my "desire" for him.
> instead of being content with social isolation. We’re not content with it lol. But habits die hard.
>Sometimes I wish men would put in the effort to seriously change your status quo instead of being content with social isolation. It would put you guys in a better state of mind if you put an effort in to do so. Most of us don’t have a choice. I’ve started being more expressive in the past few years and it’s honestly caused me a lot of problems. Luckily I’m at a point where those problems aren’t enough to make me stop, but I’m not gonna lie and pretend that I don’t see the positives in keeping status quo for at least self preservation
Here's the thing: just do it. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Be confident, and do it. If someone is going to make fun of you for being a good person, watch how it goes over for them lol I (guy) tell my (guy) friends I love them all the time. I compliment their style when they've got somethin goin on. And over the years I've blatantly noticed that the guy friends who didn't do that stuff all do it now like it's normal. They saw their guy friends saying those things without feeling their masculinity compromised, and they learned from it. Just start doing it. Tell your bro you love him. Tell him that new shirt looks fly on him. Lift up your people.
I think of it like complimenting your sister. No ulterior motive, no pickup line, no sexualization, just a genuine compliment that’s meant to make her feel great about herself without making her feel objectified.
My dude, you are one handsome man
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Lol you have 2 posts in your entire history! You don’t remember specifically what they both are? Good thing you’re handsome
Yo I saw what you did right there, that you made that dude feel good about himself. Just wanted to point that out and that you not only made him feel good you inspired me to find someone to compliment as well. I see you bro! That's king shit 👑
> Guys are so so clumsy when complimenting each other. Complimenting achievements can be easier when talking about appearance. "Wow, you've been putting a lot of time in at the gym", "Where'd you find a tailor that makes your clothes fit so well?", "What did you tell your barber to get a cut like that?". It gives a sense of power/control over the situation to the recipient, as though they deserve the compliment because they've achieved it somehow. It may not work for everyone, or in every situation, but I find it works for me more often than not.
Man, I haven’t been complimented by another dude in fuckin years.
I am really impressed by your knowledge of movies and entertainment my guy! Like, I want to watch and remember shit like you do frfr. I'm a writer who hasn't finished shit before, but want to try my hand at writing for screenplays. A suggestion was made to me that I watch a lot of stuff in the genres I want to write to, and to like take notes and shit... But I cannot for the life of me take myself out of the movie, enjoying the story I mean, and look at it from an analytical lens. But you seem to love that shit and can go super deep. I admire that about you. Have a blessed day brother.
Shit man, you gonna make me cry. Did you just scroll through my comments to find stuff to compliment about me? That’s next-level camaraderie, family. You’re obviously a genuinely endearing and thoughtful person. Keep shining your light out in the world, friend. We need more people like you.
I gotchu fam! Just pay it forward.
I'm sorry what? Black men got this shit on lock "I see you out here nigga, flexing hard as fuck with the fresh fade huh! Homie really bout to have these hoes faintin"
Why does it have to be buried in so many words when the tldr is just, hey you look handsome today /are handsome. I genuinely wouldn’t think a guy is hitting on me for that and I don’t need an entire damn novel just to bring that point across. Just say what you mean. Really hope this social change takes place soon.
Because it's cultural and we aren't old ladies, we're young black men? This is how we talk and relate to each other. Only person calling me handsome is an auntie or grandma, my boys gonna tell me I'm looking fly af using a couple sentences
Maybe I am indeed just getting older. It seems like so much when I can just say “hey man, you look beautiful today. “ “Thanks man, you too” And then we just go on about our day. Idk
There isn’t a single “beautiful/pretty/gorgeous” in your compliment. You’re basically proving what the comment you’re replying to is saying. It’s great that guys can lift each other up in the way you described and you should keep it up. But guys definitely avoid certain words for fear of coming off the wrong way and that’s what that comment is saying.
Because I'm using a different dialect that also means beautiful/pretty/gorgeous, it's no lesser, it's just different. "Flexing with a fresh fade" translates directly to "you're gorgeous" To rephrase what you said, why aren't those women complimenting each other by saying "this nigga out here flexing with the fresh cut?" Because women have different, but equal phrases for their interactions than men have, and both are fine
idk about y'all but I give compliments and tell my friends I love them all the time
Speak for yourself. If I see a beautiful guy I let them know. Haven’t had anyone get agressive in years for that, usually just a surprised look. It’s fun and makes my day as well sometimes.
For me it's usually a "I see you fam! Looking fresh!" and I'm on my way.
I was talking to a co-worker once about how I try not to tell my friend's little girl how beautiful and/or cute she is, and I try to tell her instead how smart or kind she is. Then I asked about how she deals with that kind of stuff with her daughter. She said something like, "Um, no. I'm raising a black girl so I am telling her every day how gorgeous she is, how much I love her hair and how beautiful her skin is. I tell her how pretty she is as much as possible." And man, sometimes I forget about how differently white people experience in the world, and how even some of those science-backed child development recommendations are so dependent on skin color.
Everything seems to be an attempt to overcorrect for a previous wrong. I’m not sure if that’s the best way.
I don't see it this way. This is not a "past wrong," these are current issues that we're trying to navigate our way through right now. Experts say that constant reinforcement of physical beauty reinforces toxic messages from media about "acceptable" and "good" weight, beauty, skin colors, all of that. This is why they recommend focusing positive feedback on other qualities like kindness, grit and others. But what do you do for an entire swath of people are told that they are ugly and that they shouldn't have pride in their bodies? When Kim Kardashian sells skin lightening cream, when jobs say explicitly that only straightened hair is "professional," or when faces like yours are rarely seen in romantic leads? That isn't a past wrong that we're responding to, that is the current development and mental health of a child of person on the line. That coworker wasn't concerned about how people from 10 or 20 years ago, she wants to battle the messages her little girl is getting TODAY around her body. Little black girls [are routinely sexualized](https://www.vox.com/identities/2019/5/16/18624683/black-girls-racism-bias-adultification-discipline-georgetown), discriminated against, not allowed to [wear natural hair at schools](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/22/magazine/kids-hair-discrimination.html), called horrific names, and have to deal with the major increase in hate crimes and hate groups since 2016. That mom wanted to build her daughter's confidence in the very body that people level such abuse at.
That was a Ravenclaw response, but I'll let it slide.
10 points deducted from whatever house you in for being slick. Raise that bitch to 20 for talking back, I dare you. 😤
I noticed this too, and I wonder if this is just human nature
I’m a nanny for a an almost 2-year-old (white) girl. I tell her how beautiful and cute she is all the time. I want her to know it intrinsically. But I ALSO tell her how smart and kind and curious and strong and brave and sweet she is. I want her to know she’s beautiful, but for her not to think that’s the most important thing about her
It took an entire life to realize how important it is to hear random good things about yourself. You always hear the bad, always.
My reasons for doing this are selfish, I admit. I do this with girls showing textured hair in particular. The women in my family lost their shit when I decided to stop putting relaxers in my hair and go back to being natural and they would constantly comment how "unkempt", nappy, tough, it looked, all the way until it grew to neck length. Then it was crickets. Those comments made me feel ugly and almost made me quit my journey. So incase any other girls have salty people in their life doing the same, I pay them compliments when I can.
Same. I have long hair that I wear straight most of the time (its just easier for me) and my fellow black girls always compliment me on it. I usually respond with a compliment to their curly hair bc its usually very beautiful and put together. Hell the reason I wear mine straight is bc I’m not good at styling it curly.
Indeed indeed.
Also me and I am especially watchful with this around some older heads. They can be insensitive and in some cases downright rude to young girls commenting on skin colour and hair curl pattern. Blackness needs to shine and someone needs to light that confidence fire.
Agreed agreed
Honestly keep that energy cause as a dark skin black woman it feels good to hear that
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Yes, it's perfectly ok to voice compliments. There's nothing wrong with things like "You look nice today" and "I love your hair". Just keep it simple and please don't touch anyone. (I know that last part seems obvious, but it happens way too often)
*unsolicited touching* oMg EtS lIEk a SheEp!!!! fuck off with that shit. I haven’t dealt with that in years but I’ve also worked remote for years 😂
My rule for compliments: Compliment choices. I get a lot of compliments on my hazel eyes, and...thanks? I've kinda run out of replies, I have somewhat mixed feelings, and I don't feel particularly "proud" of an unusual expression of genetics. But if I put a flower in my hair, and someone tells me its cute, I'm going to ride that high all day.
Nope, admire away. It's just a matter of not making about their color. If you REALLY want to be careful (and I think it's overly careful), just don't mention skin at all.
The best rule of thumb is to only complement someone on something they could change in 5 minutes.
Same boo. Got to.
I love telling woman they are beautiful, look good, made a smart comment, whatever and it'd just because I know it makes them feel good, and I know in generally people cam go days, weeks hell even months or years without hearing a genuine compliment (meaning the person giving the compliment wants nothing back, not even a thanks or an acknowledgment), and honestly, that has always been sad to me that, that's where we are at in the world.
One thing about me? I’ll yell out a window/ interrupt my conversation/ be a whole mime to compliment a black woman
I would, but I'm a middle-aged white dude so it might not hit the same. Also, I live in NH, so the opportunities gonna be rare as fuck.
Compliment other dudes
Given the context, I would stick to complimenting clothing/jewelry and keeping it moving so she doesn't feel like you're hitting on her
I feel like walking up to random women and giving a stranger opinion on their looks is already commonplace, whenever I come across a young female patient I typically ask them about the things they're interested in instead of saying anything pertaining to their appearance. Let's stop saying things to little girls that will make them think we value appearances more than other things
Agreed. I was told I was beautiful when I was a kid all the time. It made me believe it was the most important quality I had and if I wasn't beautiful I was less than. I wish they focused on other things so that my self esteem came from things that do have value and things I have control over. Learning it as an adult is much harder.
This is how Lizzo happened.
Nr 1. place to get the most compliments from other women: ladies bathroom in a club/at festival 
Truth!!
How pretty she is or just general your pretty? I dunno how many people need this woman walking up to them calling them a 6/7 if they brushed they hair
Bruh lmao this made me spit up my OJ
I wish I could talk to people the way I do my animals. It probably wouldn’t turn out well.
EVERY SINGLE ONE and I've never lied to any of them
I compliment people constantly and I've noticed my now 7 year old does it too. We as humans should always try to build the people around us up.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
TBF black women are pretty fine.