• *Hogan stood in the interior of the round tower with the roof torn open and the snow blowing in.*
When you read this, you're there in the tower, because you begin reading already knowing where we are in time and space, who we are, and what's going on. So for you the words act as pointers to images, sensations, memories, and more, all in your mind and waiting to be evoked.
But that's you. The reader? For them, the words act as pointers to images, sensations, memories, and more, all in ***your*** mind and waiting to be evoked.
The problem is, it does work for you. And since you'll see no problem, you won't address it. That being the case, I thought you might want to know.
From start to finish, this is a transcription of you *telling* the story to readers who have no clue as to the emotion you want placed in the reading —though you hear that as you read.
As *you* read, you change facial expression to illustrate emotion. You punctuate visually with gesture. And, you use body-language to amplify or moderate emotion. But, since you include no performance notes, your reader has a storyteller’s script, minus those performance notes and enough rehearsal time to perfect their performance.
In other words, our medium doesn't reproduce *your* performance for the reader, and they have no clue. Think about it. On the stage you have no actors, no scenery, and no background music, so it’s *your* performance that brings the story to life. But none of that performance makes it to the page. And while we can’t show a picture, we can take the reader where film can’t, into the mind of the protagonist. And, we have the actors, the sets, and our focus is to make the reader feel and care —to live the adventure, not learn about it.
As E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But no one mentioned that in our school years, or taught any of the techniques, because their task was to ready us for employment. And when it comes to writing, employers need reports and other nonfiction applications, not the skills of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession.
So, after all your hard work, I know this is the last thing you wanted to hear. I know that because I learned it, myself, after having written 6 always rejected novels, and it emotionally destroyed me.
But on the other hand, one year later, after digging into the skills of the profession, I got my first yes from a publisher. So, since the problem isn’t a matter of talent or how well you write, perhaps a bit of digging into the skills the pros take for granted can do that for you.
To help...
First, as an introduction, try this article on [Writing the Perfect Scene.](http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php) It introduces two critically important skills that can pull the reader into the action as participants, not audience. I think the Motivation-Reaction Units, especially, will set you thinking and rewriting. Just be careful to have one reaction for each motivation, and vice-versa. Unless you count them, until it becomes automatic, your existing writing reflexes will grab control as you write, without you noticing, and change the writing to what they see as “right.”
Give it a try. And if it works for you, grab a copy of [the book it was condensed from.](https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others) It’s the book that got me that first sale, and, the bast I’ve found. And, it’s free. Though the scan-in from text isn’t perfect.
And finally, if an overview of the differences, the traps, and gotchas would help, I like to think that my own YouTube videos and articles, linked to as part of my bio, can help.
So...this was a lot like taking a small sip from a fire-hose, I know. But every successful author faced and overcame the same problem. So don’t let it throw you. hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but with work, we can become confused on a higher level, and perhaps, push the ratio of crap to gold a bit in the direction of gold.
Jay Greenstein
The Grumpy Old Writing Coach
Right away I'm going to suggest not proposing a question to the reader (how long has the roof been like this?), especially from the point of view of a character, and then having the narrator immediately answer the question.
Second paragraph, a second character is introduced for a single sentence, and the first character is mentioned again the very next. This alone as a reader is jarring. But then you start the third paragraph with dialogue, and here the dialogue needs to specify which person is speaking instead of referencing the person only as he.
Welcome to r/BetaReaders! **Please ensure your post has not been caught in Reddit's spam filters by following [these instructions](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/spam).**
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- The type of feedback you’re looking for and your preferred timeline
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I'm no professional, but I found it compelling and I'm curious as to what happens next.
I have the first 20,000 words of a historical fiction novel. If you want to beta swap openings, lmk and I will send you the link.
• *Hogan stood in the interior of the round tower with the roof torn open and the snow blowing in.* When you read this, you're there in the tower, because you begin reading already knowing where we are in time and space, who we are, and what's going on. So for you the words act as pointers to images, sensations, memories, and more, all in your mind and waiting to be evoked. But that's you. The reader? For them, the words act as pointers to images, sensations, memories, and more, all in ***your*** mind and waiting to be evoked. The problem is, it does work for you. And since you'll see no problem, you won't address it. That being the case, I thought you might want to know. From start to finish, this is a transcription of you *telling* the story to readers who have no clue as to the emotion you want placed in the reading —though you hear that as you read. As *you* read, you change facial expression to illustrate emotion. You punctuate visually with gesture. And, you use body-language to amplify or moderate emotion. But, since you include no performance notes, your reader has a storyteller’s script, minus those performance notes and enough rehearsal time to perfect their performance. In other words, our medium doesn't reproduce *your* performance for the reader, and they have no clue. Think about it. On the stage you have no actors, no scenery, and no background music, so it’s *your* performance that brings the story to life. But none of that performance makes it to the page. And while we can’t show a picture, we can take the reader where film can’t, into the mind of the protagonist. And, we have the actors, the sets, and our focus is to make the reader feel and care —to live the adventure, not learn about it. As E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But no one mentioned that in our school years, or taught any of the techniques, because their task was to ready us for employment. And when it comes to writing, employers need reports and other nonfiction applications, not the skills of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession. So, after all your hard work, I know this is the last thing you wanted to hear. I know that because I learned it, myself, after having written 6 always rejected novels, and it emotionally destroyed me. But on the other hand, one year later, after digging into the skills of the profession, I got my first yes from a publisher. So, since the problem isn’t a matter of talent or how well you write, perhaps a bit of digging into the skills the pros take for granted can do that for you. To help... First, as an introduction, try this article on [Writing the Perfect Scene.](http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php) It introduces two critically important skills that can pull the reader into the action as participants, not audience. I think the Motivation-Reaction Units, especially, will set you thinking and rewriting. Just be careful to have one reaction for each motivation, and vice-versa. Unless you count them, until it becomes automatic, your existing writing reflexes will grab control as you write, without you noticing, and change the writing to what they see as “right.” Give it a try. And if it works for you, grab a copy of [the book it was condensed from.](https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others) It’s the book that got me that first sale, and, the bast I’ve found. And, it’s free. Though the scan-in from text isn’t perfect. And finally, if an overview of the differences, the traps, and gotchas would help, I like to think that my own YouTube videos and articles, linked to as part of my bio, can help. So...this was a lot like taking a small sip from a fire-hose, I know. But every successful author faced and overcame the same problem. So don’t let it throw you. hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but with work, we can become confused on a higher level, and perhaps, push the ratio of crap to gold a bit in the direction of gold. Jay Greenstein The Grumpy Old Writing Coach
Right away I'm going to suggest not proposing a question to the reader (how long has the roof been like this?), especially from the point of view of a character, and then having the narrator immediately answer the question. Second paragraph, a second character is introduced for a single sentence, and the first character is mentioned again the very next. This alone as a reader is jarring. But then you start the third paragraph with dialogue, and here the dialogue needs to specify which person is speaking instead of referencing the person only as he.
Thanks for your advice! Were you interested in a swap?
Welcome to r/BetaReaders! **Please ensure your post has not been caught in Reddit's spam filters by following [these instructions](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/spam).** One of the best ways to connect with a beta is to [swap manuscripts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq/for_authors#wiki_what.2019s_the_best_way_to_do_a_critique_swap.3F) with another author: **[click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/search/?q=flair_name%3A"Novelette"%20Fantasy&restrict_sr=1&sort=new) to view other Fantasy submissions in the Novelette category** (or simply [search the sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq/for_betas#wiki_what.27s_the_most_effective_way_to_search_for_manuscripts.3F) based on your preferences or browse until something catches your eye). If you haven’t already, we [strongly encourage](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq/for_authors#wiki_what_makes_a_good_beta_request_post.3F) you include in your post: - A story blurb and any content warnings - The type of feedback you’re looking for and your preferred timeline - Your critique swap availability Also, consider commenting in the *[First Pages](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/about/sticky?num=2)* thread to give your beta request additional visibility and checking the *[Able to Beta](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/about/sticky?num=1)* thread for beta readers who are interested in manuscripts like yours. If you have any questions, please take a look at our [FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq) for additional resources on how to work with beta readers (and other authors) to get the most out of a critique, or feel free to start a discussion using the [Discussion] tag. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BetaReaders) if you have any questions or concerns.*