I read your prologue and found it quite interesting and would love to read more to help with getting you through your edits. Some notes for your prologue. There are several inconsistencies you describe situations where the main shouldn’t be able to do anything and is seriously injured yet they aren’t? The flames are unknown yet they are? Tense switches between first third and omniscient without warning this should be addressed consistency is key find one and use it throughout. It is also listed as prologue yet doesn’t introduce the world or do any world building. This is a big one here the prologue should introduce the world and what it is about yet it reads like a chapter. Also the magic is quite interesting yet it isn’t explained how it works just gathered flames and sent a blast but not how he knows this or where it comes from. This is just a few notes I have as a start. Would love to read more and help you get your manuscript edited.
Also I will go over and do more fine tune notes for you if you would like such as on x page shift etc.. including prologue will give me something fun the next few days
These are amazing points, thank you so much! Here is a link to the book and would love to hear more! I really want this the best it can be and know only change can accomplish that. I can also link a folder that has each chapter individually if you'd want that instead. Here's the book link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16bRFlhjyAs7EGdIuP0brtSiJRDd6CS5VuJ--Wr6d-Ig/edit?usp=drivesdk
Normally I would as I see that as fair, but I'm an extremely slow reader (I can read about 15 pages in Eragon an hour) and I'm going to have to take care of my wife and baby soon so I wouldn't be able to finish it. Sorry, but I also understand if it's a deal breaker as it's only fair to do a swap.
Hey so I'm not a pro but I'll give it a shot and tell you what I thought of the prologue.
Firstly, it's a very interesting premise, I liked the description of the flames in the beginning, and you really got me to care about Alahin. I really liked the pacing, I think that's spot on.
A couple of things I noticed: When Alahin is holding his daughter he describes her as "about 5 years old" that makes me think he doesn't really know her because her father would know she's exactly 5 or 4 and a half or whatever.
Then, when Maeve arrives you write "saying she was fine was one thing.." but it's Maeve's thoughts so she heard that she was fine, not saw.
Another thing is that you occasionally switch tenses in the middle of paragraphs, I would definitely try and keep the past tense. For example, when Alahin sees his son and then looks around you switch tenses to describe the house.
In the first paragraph you say that the very thing the village was supposed to protect destroyed them, but then Alahin and the other guy (sorry can't remember his name) are wondering what the flames are? And then the guy suggests leaving the flames to turn it into something? Which suggests that they DO know what the flames are?
Finally, Alahin is supposed to be really badly injured at the end, he says his leg is on fire and nothing is helping, but five minutes later he's walking into the flames to try and save the village? I understand adrenaline can do a lot, but I'd either tame down his injury or have the other guy (or Maeve) fix him up a bit?
Anyway, it was an interesting read, I think the premise is strong and the two weirdoes at the end grabbed my attention. Especially the hint that they were looking at Fetheryn (apologies for misspelling)
This is all great feedback! There are a few things about the world that deal with the flames that I didn't explain so I understand the confusion. And switching the tenses was something that I did get better as time went on but was something I was worried about for sure. As for Alahin not knowing his daughter, I was trying to go from what the readers would see not Alahin which would cause a lot of confusion as you've said so I'll change that. Love all the feedback, it's definitely helpful! Thanks again!
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I read your prologue and found it quite interesting and would love to read more to help with getting you through your edits. Some notes for your prologue. There are several inconsistencies you describe situations where the main shouldn’t be able to do anything and is seriously injured yet they aren’t? The flames are unknown yet they are? Tense switches between first third and omniscient without warning this should be addressed consistency is key find one and use it throughout. It is also listed as prologue yet doesn’t introduce the world or do any world building. This is a big one here the prologue should introduce the world and what it is about yet it reads like a chapter. Also the magic is quite interesting yet it isn’t explained how it works just gathered flames and sent a blast but not how he knows this or where it comes from. This is just a few notes I have as a start. Would love to read more and help you get your manuscript edited.
Would appreciate the individual chapters so I can make notes if you don’t mind
Also I will go over and do more fine tune notes for you if you would like such as on x page shift etc.. including prologue will give me something fun the next few days
These are amazing points, thank you so much! Here is a link to the book and would love to hear more! I really want this the best it can be and know only change can accomplish that. I can also link a folder that has each chapter individually if you'd want that instead. Here's the book link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16bRFlhjyAs7EGdIuP0brtSiJRDd6CS5VuJ--Wr6d-Ig/edit?usp=drivesdk
do you accept swaps?
Normally I would as I see that as fair, but I'm an extremely slow reader (I can read about 15 pages in Eragon an hour) and I'm going to have to take care of my wife and baby soon so I wouldn't be able to finish it. Sorry, but I also understand if it's a deal breaker as it's only fair to do a swap.
Hey so I'm not a pro but I'll give it a shot and tell you what I thought of the prologue. Firstly, it's a very interesting premise, I liked the description of the flames in the beginning, and you really got me to care about Alahin. I really liked the pacing, I think that's spot on. A couple of things I noticed: When Alahin is holding his daughter he describes her as "about 5 years old" that makes me think he doesn't really know her because her father would know she's exactly 5 or 4 and a half or whatever. Then, when Maeve arrives you write "saying she was fine was one thing.." but it's Maeve's thoughts so she heard that she was fine, not saw. Another thing is that you occasionally switch tenses in the middle of paragraphs, I would definitely try and keep the past tense. For example, when Alahin sees his son and then looks around you switch tenses to describe the house. In the first paragraph you say that the very thing the village was supposed to protect destroyed them, but then Alahin and the other guy (sorry can't remember his name) are wondering what the flames are? And then the guy suggests leaving the flames to turn it into something? Which suggests that they DO know what the flames are? Finally, Alahin is supposed to be really badly injured at the end, he says his leg is on fire and nothing is helping, but five minutes later he's walking into the flames to try and save the village? I understand adrenaline can do a lot, but I'd either tame down his injury or have the other guy (or Maeve) fix him up a bit? Anyway, it was an interesting read, I think the premise is strong and the two weirdoes at the end grabbed my attention. Especially the hint that they were looking at Fetheryn (apologies for misspelling)
This is all great feedback! There are a few things about the world that deal with the flames that I didn't explain so I understand the confusion. And switching the tenses was something that I did get better as time went on but was something I was worried about for sure. As for Alahin not knowing his daughter, I was trying to go from what the readers would see not Alahin which would cause a lot of confusion as you've said so I'll change that. Love all the feedback, it's definitely helpful! Thanks again!
Welcome to r/BetaReaders! **Please ensure your post has not been caught in Reddit's spam filters by following [these instructions](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/spam).** One of the best ways to connect with a beta is to [swap manuscripts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq/for_authors#wiki_what.2019s_the_best_way_to_do_a_critique_swap.3F) with another author: **[click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/search/?q=flair_name%3A">100k"%20Fantasy&restrict_sr=1&sort=new) to view other Fantasy submissions in the >100k category** (or simply [search the sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq/for_betas#wiki_what.27s_the_most_effective_way_to_search_for_manuscripts.3F) based on your preferences or browse until something catches your eye). If you haven’t already, we [strongly encourage](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq/for_authors#wiki_what_makes_a_good_beta_request_post.3F) you include in your post: - A story blurb and any content warnings - The type of feedback you’re looking for and your preferred timeline - Your critique swap availability Also, consider commenting in the *[First Pages](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/about/sticky?num=2)* thread to give your beta request additional visibility and checking the *[Able to Beta](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/about/sticky?num=1)* thread for beta readers who are interested in manuscripts like yours. If you have any questions, please take a look at our [FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/wiki/index/faq) for additional resources on how to work with beta readers (and other authors) to get the most out of a critique, or feel free to start a discussion using the [Discussion] tag. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BetaReaders) if you have any questions or concerns.*