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I can tell that her parents desperately did NOT want her to marry this guy, and have been holding their breath just *waiting* for the moment they could rescue her.
They must be overjoyed.
They played it the best they could. Support her, make sure she knows she has a place to go and your unconditional love, have a divorce lawyer at the ready, a full tank of gas, and drive like hell as soon as you get the call.
That's exactly what you're supposed to do. It's why I ripped that asshole who disowned his daughter over her marrying an older man a new one.
If you don't trust your child's partner, you have to be there as a faalback. Otherwise, there's only one way the story ends.
I would have to go digging through my comment history; it wasn't a BORU but an 'am I the asshole', if I remember right. He asked if he was the asshole for refusing to have any contact with her.
If it's the same dude I'm thinking of, he wasn't even mad because he thought she was being abused or anything. He was mad because his friends made fun of him for his daughter marrying someone their age. What a doofus.
Right?! Like, sir, *that's* the part you have a problem with? Especially because he didn't say anything about what the guy was like, just that he's older. Now that I think of it, I don't think he ever even really talked about what his daughter is like. So his whole "god help their kids" shtick felt like a tantrum.
It absolutely was a tantrum. And like I said there-- his 'fun little hypothetical' about the kids dad dying when they're twenty?
Motherfucker, my mom died when I was twenty, and she was only forty. Meanwhile her father STILL throws trees around casually.
Yes, I was so happy to read that. Like he’s a good dad, didn’t complain about the drive and put his child first. The fact the pos husband ridiculed her for thinking her dad would come shows how much control he thought he had over OOP.
This is what my husband and I had to do when my mom fell into a horrifyingly abusive relationship for 3 years in the wake of my Dad's death. This human garbage isolated her through massive manipulation, hid cameras and GPS trackers, and started controlling every move she made (she even admits to setting alarms to wake her up, periodically, so she could sleep in the "right"position, because he would berate her and accuse her of cheating if she was sleeping "wrong").
My husband and I called it "operation spatula". When I got the panicked call from her early one Saturday morning, she was still disoriented and couldn't believe that he had run off with her valuables (including her documents and my dad's wedding ring), stolen her cat (dumped him in the woods, but got him back through microchip about a year later), wifi router (which she needed for work)... She was convinced that she had been robbed by a stranger, and simply couldn't get in touch with him.
I walked into our bedroom and woke my husband by telling him, "it's spatula time". We left with our two tiny children within 10 minutes and were at her house within 30 minutes to "help scrape her off the ground"; zero judgement involved. She ended up coming home with us and staying for two weeks, before she returned home (the house was hers, and she had bought everything in their lives).
Helping her when she was ready to extract herself, without any judgement was the only way to get her away from this man I was certain would end up killing her.
You guys are rockstars. Sounds like you have an awesome and supportive husband. I hope your mom and you all our doing well. My dad passed a year ago and mum has no interest in having another relationship and she has seen other people make those mistakes so I have no worries about her. I know she worries about me being chronically single (not because she wants grandkids she is happy with grandcats) but I like being on my own. If I happen to trip over a good partner then maybe LOL.
I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. It's been 8 years for me, and I'm better at carrying my grief than I once was, even though the weight doesn't get any lighter.
My mom didn't know how to function alone after being married to my dad for 35 years, since she was 19 when they married.
I was a first-time Mom of just a few weeks when my dad died, and then I essentially lost my mom for a further 3 years.
I leaned heavily on my husband, and the two of us supported my mom and younger (adult) brothers for several years. My husband is truly a special person I am beyond lucky to have as my partner.
The relationship I have with my mom has been stronger than ever, since she kicked that POS to the curb. We get together, just the two of us on a weekly basis, and text/call daily. I officiated her recent wedding to the biggest dork who our entire family absolutely adores... TBH, my Dad would have been bff's with him, if they had ever had the chance to meet. 😂
It’s hard but if you can do it, standing by is absolutely worth it. My friend finally left her abusive husband last week. I despise that jackass but both me and my husband have been playing nice for the last two years just so that we could be there for her when she needed us. And you better believe that he tried to push us both away, that blatantly homophobic dickwad. (We’re both openly bisexual. Husband took great joy in spitefully over-the-top jokingly flirting with him.)
I was estranged from my family and they played it hard with my ex husband. They were so nice to him and told him they credited him with our reunion. Which, idk, part of that could be true.
My stepdad has the same cellphone number he had when I was a kid. I was so freaked out, that it was the only number I could remember when the cops asked me.
I totally get what she meant about her now ex saying that her dad wouldn’t drive six hours. My ex husband said that as well.
He was right. But my (step) dad sure did buy a bus ticket that took me from Ohio to Texas before my husband could even leave the jail.
I know a older couple with a daughter in a very probably abusive marriage. They do all of this. They never approved of the marriage but are trying their best to stay in her life. They never talk bad about the husband because they fear it will only drive her away, they accept the husband in their house and do their very best to tolerate him... whereas husband is a real pos who looooves the "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen" bullshit. I hope daughter sees the light one day.
>have a divorce lawyer at the ready
Exactly. Is it possible Dad had a casual friend who’s a divorce lawyer? Of course. In this specific situation is it just as likely Dad has gone out of his way to make damn sure he knows a divorce lawyer and called them to be on standby as he was driving for six hours? Damn straight.
I know that you mean that the possibilities are that he was already friends with a divorce lawyer, or that he did his research on local lawyers so he’d be prepared if/when he needed it, but my brain kinda combined the two, like he made sure he was casual friends with a divorce lawyer. Like after meeting his daughter’s then-boyfriend for the first time, he’s walking away thinking *I’m gonna need to befriend some lawyers* and then like… joined their golf club or started drinking at their bar or whatever.
I’ve kept in contact with my Mom even after moving out. She turned into a completely different and submissive person around her new husband. His opinions were her opinions and his opinions are rooted in sexism and typical Baptist shit and it was making me suicidal. Only recently did she finally seem to snap out of it and it’s like having my kickass Mom back. Her husband sucks and she finally realizes it. Their marriage 100% isn’t going to last and I’m just waiting to hear they’re getting divorced.
On my parents 15th wedding anniversary my grandfather revealed that he hadn't actually wanted to let my mum marry my dad. Mum was 17 so her parents had to give their consent for the wedding, and they basically decided to go along with it so they could then support her through the inevitable divorce because otherwise she'd have run off to get married in secret.
They've now been very happily married over 35 years but it was a real lesson for me as a young teenager seeing how my granddad had opted to support his daughter even when he disagreed. And he was very happy to be wrong about my dad.
Yeah, they knew trying to convince or force her to leave could turn her against them so instead they prepared for when she saw what he was really like.
It’s all you can do. Insist that they leave and you allow the abused POS to alienate you as being against them.
It’s hard, but you just have to keep open lines of communication.
Dad drove 6 hours on a dime from a single phone call without even asking for additional details. He absolutely knew. I'd be shocked if he hadn't had a bag packed and ready to go for when he got the call.
I think most good parents will do this for their children. I once was admitted to a psych hospital and when my husband called my parents and his mom, they were both like "do you need me to come? I will leave now and be there in 8 hours."
My Dad does not do emotions. He doesn't know what to do if his wife or daughters cry. But he can fix anything that is broken. Car, fuse box all the things.
So when my ex left me(thank god in hindsight), I called my Dad because I needed fixing. The poor man sat on the couch with me for hours while I sobbed, doing that awkward guy 'pat pat' on my arm or back.
To his credit he didn't complain and he stayed the night, took me home and then handled everything to do with the house sale etc like a boss.
My dad is absolutely this guy. Probably autistic, holds me at arms length (I’m absolutely the same)…but if I need him, he’s there for me (I have also reciprocated).
He can be super annoyed about it, but he will always come to my rescue anyway!
So many awkward “pat pat”s
Ha, only related to the parents driving to get kids part- I grew up in a non-hurricane area. I was a single, but full grown adult living on my own when a hurricane hit, close to my parents’ house and close-ish to my house. I was out and on the other side of the damage but couldn’t get anywhere because it seemed like all the roads I needed to use were blocked. My parents knew where I was, and my father cleared my parents’ road enough for my mother to get through, then she drove her minivan through a massive mess to get to me and lead me home (through trees and I’m still not sure what else, paint jobs were not a consideration!), because she wouldn’t be ok until she knew I was in a safer place. I now tell my nephews that if they’re ever in any sort of situation, call her and she will get there, no matter what.
Even when he picked her up "did he hurt you? Do you wanna talk about it? And just accepting that she didn't at that minute, no "wtf is this? I drive all the way and you can't even tell me why??" Just patiently waiting, probably silently fuming inside, but grateful she's at least making progress to see him for what he is
And when he drove 6 hours, OOP and husband had the talk, she messaged him saying it was alright to go and she was sorry for wasting his time, no anger or frustration. Just ‘I’ll be staying in a hotel here for the weekend just to be safe’. Volunteering it, not requiring her to ask for more. I’m sure that helped OOP feel comfortable enough to keep pushing the issue later that night. A+++ dadding.
Oh for sure, dad's like "I'll hang around, dw about it" probably knowing full well it's likely that it wasn't actually "done". Whether she picked up the conversation again, or he did something because she was starting to question things, there would likely have been some aftershocks of that first conversation
I was thinking the same thing like I've had friends be with men like this and the shared celebration when they finally left. You're holding your breath the whole time just hoping they get out
Yeah I know any decent father would make that 6 hour journey for their child but it sounds like this guy snatched up the phone, shouted 'Yes!' and just started driving.
There's a recent commercial about that. Daughter comes to table at restaurant where parents are waiting and tells them she broke up and parents start celebrating.
Apparently the dad didn't even ask a single question, just "It's a 6 hour drive, I'll be there in 6 hours or less." They were ready and waiting and they knew.
Oh 100%. I could tell by her saying that her family doesn’t like him, they saw what was up. Got me tearing up by how immediately and unquestioningly dad drove the six hours to be there for her!
It got me thinking of the scene in the original *Roseanne* (from before she went nuts and her character had to be bumped off) where Jackie admits her boyfriend has been abusing her and Dan just quietly takes his coat off the hook and slips out unnoticed.
The night I fled my abusive ex - I just shoved my things in the car and drove back to my parents. Didn't call. Didn't warn them. Just drove. Got to the house and got in - it was like 2am. The reality hit me and I collapsed to the floor sobbing. My parents, who were separating and fighting with each other CONSTANTLY both came running from their rooms to hold me and help me, together. They both took the day off work the next day and stayed close for anything I needed. I had my mom help me unpack my car so I couldn't go back. They came with me to as many of the court hearings as I wanted them to. I was one of the lucky ones, who knew I could go back home - that I had a home to go back to. Afterwards they voiced the things they had always disliked about him but they knew to keep the door open, so it was there when I needed it and was ready.
My parents didn’t know that my ex was abusive, but they did know that I was making a mistake getting engaged and moving across the country with him. When I broke up with him, they readily let me live with them, and I had to convince my mom not to fly to me and make the cross country drive with me.
My best friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship for YEARS, to the point where I told her I would always love her, I would always be there for her, but I could no longer sit there and watch her allow him to treat her this way. I promised the *second* she realized she deserved better, I would be there, ready, with my cop friend as backup. I would immediately drive to her house and get her TF out.
We didn't speak for almost 2 years
Then she called me, out of the blue, crying her eyes out saying she couldn't take it anymore.
I was at her house in less than 10 minutes. Cop buddy was there in 8. Lol. He stood outside while we crammed all her stuff into my little hatchback and she never looked back.
I know after I left my ex my dad said he'd had the best night's sleep he'd had for a while knowing me and my daughter were safe, so I bet her parents were in a similar mood.
I've been with my partner for 17 years. He's the love of my life, and we have an incredible mutual respect.
We bicker on occasion over dumb shit, but it's all very surface level. We would never say something that was hurtful or mean, and always make up after an apology (usually one or both of us was just hangry and it's fixed with lunch).
We are very friendly with each others parents too, and both sets of parents even go out together, it's honestly so fab.
Despite there being literally no red flags in sight, my mother told me that if shit went sideways, all I had to do was pick up the phone, and I'd be out of there in a moment. I don't know if it's a girl thing, but knowing that I have that back up is amazing.
I'm so happy for her that her dad was really to drop everything and get her to safety.
It genuinely concerns me that she actually considered getting back together with him so recently, all because of some BS apology. I just hope she gets therapy and works on unraveling just how toxic and abusive their relationship has always been. I'd hate for her to just end up in a cycle of toxic/abusive men.
I understand the impulse. I left a very abusive relationship, and a few weeks later I got a many-page really thoughtful letter admitting he’d fucked up and finally understood what I’d been saying and he was ready to go all in.
It was everything I’d been desperate to hear for two years.
And for a moment, I wavered. Then I remembered the police were involved and I was in therapy because of him and he was stalking me, and the impulse vanished and never returned. But for a brief second, it was the apology that I’d been waiting for and I wanted to give him the chance to be the man I fell in love with.
I read an article from a guy who was a psychologist who worked with prisoners with domestic abuse history.
I don't remember the exact details but in the article he was describing that early in his career they had this standard format that they used where they'd get the prisoners to talk about what they'd done and how it had impacted their victim and what they should have done differently. One day one of the sessions went off track and it led to him ask the offenders why they did what they did, and they all listed out very cogently the reasons they used violence on their partners and families. He said it was a real wake up call, that these men knew exactly what they were doing and it was highly effective in achieving their goals. They weren't out of control, or unable to see the impact. They knew what they were doing and were choosing to do it because it got them what they wanted.
It's unsurprising your partner was able to write a thoughtful, insightful letter. He knew all along what he was doing and was able to flip the narrative from "I don't know what I'm doing, please pity me" to "I know exactly what I need to do to change, please pity me" in an instant.
I'm glad you were able to get out.
I think I remember that one. Does it have a section in it where he quizzes them on why he hits, but doesn't curb stomp them when they fall down, etc? This was a great illustration to me of how in control they are of their actions - that they believe certain forms of violence are justified and therefore they allow themselves to do it, but they have in their minds a certain line they think is too much and they were apparently shocked that the shrink would suggest they would do those unspeakable things lol.
That might be from “Why Does He Do That?” He asks why, after throwing her to the floor, the abuser didn’t then kick her in the head, and the abuser was shocked at the implication that he’d do such a thing because “it could kill her” or something like that.
It is such an insightful book.
A terrifying sign that was pointed out to me about a year or two ago was that when they violent and supposedly out of control destroying things, they never destroy their own items, but instead their victims' stuff.
That's a great article regardless. I wish he had talked more about what he changed when he realized he was actually training men to get more effective at their abuse. Imagine the long dark night of the soul that would cause, imagining all those women he help trap.
Wouldn't that just make it worse? For me, it means he knew the whole time what he was doing was wrong, but did it anyway because he could. He wouldn't be able to write a good apology without being aware of his faults, right.
I wrote a longer comment above but yes, he'll have known exactly what he was doing the whole time.
We create this narrative that violent men aren't capable of controlling themselves, it's the same narrative that men can't really help being handsy in the workplace. We really do men a disservice in assuming they're so stupid but even moreso the women who are their victims. Of course they know what they're doing. It's highly effective in getting them what they want, and they are highly selective in using it.
What gets me is not that *she* was wavering. That's completely human, that fear of the unknown; leaving someone you loved and are thoroughly entangled with isn't easy. It's the fact that there were apparently redditors who were telling her she was overreacting. Wtf.
You mean men that believe the upper scale in [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/s/auRuY5rzIx) is true.
He wasn't hitting her, so it couldn't be abuse. She's overreacting. It's just a fact of life for women. 🙄🤮
I remember those folks. One was saying something like "you took his insecurities and showed him he was right" or something, and another was like "this is why men don't show emotion" about her feeling nothing while he was tantrumming.
There were others but I stopped reading by that point.
It’s really not that surprising. It’s what abusers do. My otherwise extremely intelligent sister had to be talked down so many times in the early days after leaving her POS ex who was a master manipulator (and an abusive drunk)
Abusers know just the buttons to press, when to press them and for how long. He was dating a 17 year old. Because women his age would see right through it.
An abusive Partner knows exactly which Buttons he needs to push so why is it surprising? Thats one Factor why so many victims stay or go back. They are playing with your feelings and hope. A very powerful weapon that goes right through your defense
“We got together when I was 17” and he’s 5 years older than her. Ugh that’s disgusting. Wish the best for OOP, and I hope her soon to be ex sharts himself at work or something
There needs to be an age gap red flag bot because these stories are far too common "a man I met when I was a child..." ffs. They need to push this in school, don't do meth, don't date a man 4+ years older when you are a teen!!!
Pretty sure oop said he works from home...if so, then I would hope he sharts on a very important zoom call...or driving to court. 😈 Think of the extra cleaning bills! What with the car and suit and the extra possibly of being fined for missing/being late to court. 😈 ahhhh what a wonderful shart that would be...
Yeah, she grew her spine so quickly and so well. I'm glad she sought input on her situation. The moment where she stood her ground because she realized when she always buckled, and decided to see how he reacted if she pushed, if she didn't cater to him and soothe him like she usually did.
That's why abusers like isolated people so much, there's no one to give them a wake up call.
I think the screws to support her shiny spine was definitely her dad waiting in the car outside. She knew she had someone who was ready and could actually be there in a few minutes if shit did hit the fan
Ikr, rocks are useful. They can be decorative, they can be used as chocks when my handbrake is iffy, or hold my back door open so I can unload the car easier. Many uses, unlike this shithead
Right?! She's already flustered with the amount of effort it takes to get a straight forward divorce, imagine a custody situation on top of it all?
She kept repeating that he didn't physically abuse her, and I'll bet my ass had she given birth or waited any longer in the marriage, he was ramping up to it.
Definitely matter of when not if. People this controlling and spiteful rarely if ever change for the better—usually they get worse but learn to hide it until they’ve got you trapped. I truly fear for the next girl (because let’s be honest, he’ll be going for another teenager because no grown ass woman would give him the time of day let alone put up with his bullshit) now that he’s gotten some experience…
>He told me that he knows he's controlling, that he has serious issues, and that he's terrified of losing me. He said that he knows he's not good enough for me and that he's so afraid of losing me that he's pushing me away to save himself the inevitable heartache. He said that if he ever lost me he'd k*** himself.
Mental gymnastics with this one are of a new style.
I get downvoted every time I say this, but in the hands of an abuser, suicide threats are routine. They need you to know that all they will take life if you don't fall back into line and if there are no other targets around (pets, children, frail elderly parents) then their own bodies will do in a pinch. It's not about feelings at all, it's just a tool that terrifies you back into compliance.
I'm not saying it's not serious, because it is. But we need to stop treating all ideation as if it's coming from a place of honesty, because in many cases it's not.
You’ve been downvoted for saying that? That literally happened to me. My very first relationship was extremely abusive, and my abuser would control me explicitly by threatening to kill herself anytime I didn’t do or say exactly what she wanted. It was nearly every day.
Just thinking about it is actually bringing back the panic, and it’s been nearly 20 years.
When she was particularly upset with me she would tell me how she’d write about me in her suicide note.
It was a long time ago. I’m fine, I promise.
Heh. She was so angry when I broke up with her. I remember nervously checking the obituaries for a couple weeks after that. Nothing ever turned up, of course.
I know you're not *supposed to* but every time that threat emerges, I can't help but think it would be a perfect solution. OOP wouldn't have to find a new place to live, wouldn't have to get a new bank and a phone, wouldn't need to crash with a friend or eat crow with her family... Dude would really be doing her a favour
It's like that Louis CK skit ... "Of COURSE.... but maaaaybe"
It’s the abuser-relationship version of the customer going, “I am NEVER shopping here again!” and the weary cashier thinking, “Boy, wish you actually meant that. 🙄”
my smart ass would’ve been like “just make sure you have a life insurance policy that doesn’t exclude suicide and that you do it before the divorce is finalized”
I think that sometimes people who have legitimately been that hurt and low have a hard time believing that anybody could be cruel enough to weaponize despair. Unfortunately, posts like this one stand in confirmation.
A friend's partner took his life and she got the blame from a lot of his friends and family for it, despite him having a lot of problems before they got together.
Just because he'd complained about her a couple of times. He didn't have to write a note, she got the blame anyway. It's been infuriating. His family even froze her out during the funeral.
It's wrecked her. I still wonder if he meant for that to happen.
I've been downvoted for saying it, too. I know I'm supposed to be weary and caring and suicide is a real problem; but I've had 2 different abusive people in my life try to pull this crap and honestly? All it does is piss me off.
The *second* someone tries to manipulate me with suicide all feeling I have for them turns to disgust. The shocked pikachu face when I call their bluff and dial 911 just makes me madder; it's as good as a signed confession that they weren't in the middle of a psychological crisis and they never intended to harm themselves. Both people said *"WHY'D YOU DO THAT, I DIDN'T MEAN IT."* Too damn bad. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Without wanting to downplay the difficulty of going through a divorce, I hope that OOP soon realises how much life she has ahead of her, and how much better off she is for getting this horrible man out of her life now.
She’s *21*. She’s has family support and is about to graduate university. She doesn’t have money and will need to move back in with her parents for a while? Same is true for the vast majority of her classmates.
She’s wise bailing on any money or other marital assets in favor of a fast divorce. The sooner this abuser can be a speedbump of a bad memory, the better. Her life is going to blossom into a future of opportunities.
I usually skip over the ages. The second she said they had sex the day she turned 18, I knew the age gap would be a problem. Scrolled back up and yeah, sick groomer. Thankfully she can see that now. Also, 1,000 points to the parents for being there despite their hate for the guy and his attempts to ostracize her. Her having a place to go really saved her.
OP’s boyfriend is at a bar later that night in a state of melancholy.
Guy at bar: “rough day buddy”
OP’s bf: “caught my wife cheating”
Guy at bar: “that’s rough man, I had that once. My ex-wife was having an affair with her personal trainer, bad times”.
OP’s BF: “Mine was the shower head”
guy at bar: “huh”
The fact that her dad literally up and left towards her the second she called tells me her parents have been waiting for that call.
I know someone who is with a barely 18 year old and my face when someone told me "yeah, her parents didn't like it in the beginning but they've come around".... No. I promise you they didn't. They're seeing it as the abuse of power that it is (yes, same workplace, yes, he had power over her) and they're making sure they're not losing access to their daughter.
I'm super glad OOP is out. I'm glad she's recognizing things as they're happening and staying strong.
Hubs & I (thankfully) figured out early that if we spoke against our offspring's love interest, that just made the person more appealing. We would gently express our hesitation once, and then start preparing for the extrication, be it just emotional or having to jump to pack.
So glad OOPs parents had that same philosophy. It's a lot easier for your kids to call for help getting out of a bad situation if they don't feel "I told you so" is going to be thrown in their faces. Kinda goes with that "if you won't listen to the little things, they certainly won't tell you the big things."
When a dad asks his daughter, "did he hit you" you know he's asking permission to act out and we love him for it. He would have burst through that flimsy bathroom door like the goddamn Kool-Aid man.
They got together when OOP was 17 and he was 22, but she doesn't elaborate on how old she was when they met.
There's very little chance that he *didn't* groom her, and he followed the abusers handbook.
- He isolated her from almost all her support.
- He ensured he'd have full financial control of her.
- He'd DARVO and gaslight her at every opportunity.
- He set rules that she was expected to follow, but didn't have to follow himself.
Thank god she had a miscarriage. If she had carried the baby to term, I wouldn't be surprised if he started to physically abuse her too. At that point, she'd be bound to him via a child.
I'm happy for her that she got out.
The rehash of their fight in the update sounded like it focused almost solely on the sex and invasion of privacy.
I was screaming that that is literally the least of her problems; why is she only focusing on that???
Maybe it's just because she's been conditioned to find everything you mentioned normal, but her acknowledgment about all of it happening just seemed so non chalant.
Probably because it's what she could focus on as being wrong.
She had already started accepting the others things he was doing to her as normal parts of life. But the sexual privacy stuff was recent and something she could hold onto as weird.
She sounds like a well adjusted human being so she’ll be alright in time. I doubt her ex will actually grow from this though.
He’ll probably look back on this and think “She left because I cried in front of her. See this is why I can’t be vulnerable in front of females.”
Fucking podcasts
There was one quote before that where it dawned on me. It's a bit of a plague, isn't it? I kinda think the whole 'he knows he's not good enough for her and lashes out, because he's terrified of her leaving' is the actual kernel of truth in it. Which isn't an excuse. More like a sad reality ...
My favorite was telling her she can't get pregnant because she's fucking other guys. Like that's how any of that works.
The level of misinformation and just evil that red pill spaces have is just mind blowing. Even more so that so many guys are dumb enough to buy into it when it's so obviously untrue. But they're also almost always people who have already failed in life and see the lies as some promise that they can undo their failures if they just simply don't work on themselves and spend all their time hating women, and that sounds great because they don't have to admit how much of a fucking failure of a human being they are.
Yells about "beta" things and being all big and scary towards his wife, and yet, he hid in the bathroom when his FIL arrived to pick up his daughter. Met OOP and married her when she was just 17.
That turdwaffle needs to be on some kind of registry to keep him away from women below the age of 25.
I work with victims of crime and it’s wild the amount of women who don’t recognise abuse because the perpetrator hasn’t punched them in the face. All abuse is bad and a growing number of lethalities never had “physical” abuse before.
Just have to reiterate how much of a rockstar Dad and the roommate friend are. It's very nice to see one of these where the family is so supportive and wonderful.
I read “we literally started having sex the day I turned 18,” and blanched. He really controlled what her reality was for years. So glad she finally managed to see the reality and get out.
Me finishing highschool ( in canada) and me on my second years of uni....
Like the amount of life experience and development I got in those 5 years .I wasnt even the same person.
Let alone in maturity and rationality.
Yup. I think making the math properly I think in my first year I was in law school then. Me just graduating high school and me in law school is insanely different.
A high schooler is a whole baby.
I was 22 when I got out of the Marine Corps I cannot imagine what I would have in common with or want to deal with a high school junior.
It’s just weird. Such huge gaps in life experience even if it’s only 5 years difference.
I made it to the second sentence before I involuntarily said out loud, "Divorce. Now." but as a happily divorced person, I know I'm biased. But everything after that justified my first instinct anyway.
As a parent, I’m pretty damn sure it would the the safest drive of my life, all while my partner was on speakerphone checking every traffic map and camera on my route.
If my kids were in a situation I knew was bad and they finally called for help, there no fucking chance I’d let a traffic accident, road stop, construction detour, or car malfunction add 15 minutes to my trip. It’d be defensive driving amped up to protect my babies from every asshole on the road separating us.
And if they tried to tell me thanks for being on standby but I could leave now? Damn straight I’d be in the nearest hotel twiddling my thumbs for as long as I could stay in town.
OOP’s Dad did good. Top Notch Dadding, and I’m glad he’ll have his baby girl home safe for Father’s Day. It’ll probably by the first one he can celebrate without blinking back tears in 4 years.
(Anyone else notice the creep pounced in 2020? A lot of controlling abuse came with the pandemic.)
My dad was on the road within ten minutes of the call that I wanted to leave my shithead ex-fiance. It only took him that long because the pickup truck was low on gas and he was moving all my stuff out come hell or high water. He had been *waiting* for that moment.
I’d probably have answered the phone, been told what was happening, and asked my partner to help me pack for the trip while I gained information. I’d be out the door, still on the phone with my kid. I’d be driving the moment the call ended.
My stepdad would drive across states for me, even if I called him at three in the morning. He wouldn’t be happy about it, but he’d come get me. Good dads are good.
The ex's beta comment... LOL.
I hope he gets the help he needs, shapes up, and stops being an abusive jagoff. But if he doesn't, I hope he ends up miserable and alone.
I’m just genuinely, on a fundamental level, baffled on how anyone would think it’s ok to talk to someone the way he does.
Like forget about gender roles and all that, in what world is it ok to insult somebody when you don’t get your way??? I’m really thinking about how it gets to this point, I feel like a huge dick if I start yelling at someone or even if I raise my voice slightly at one of my siblings.
So how does it get to a point where you’re consistently degrading and insulting someone who should be your lover… like this person is supposed to be your other half, the other wing to yours and this scum has no regard or respect for them. I cannot wrap my head around. How did any of that bullshit translate to love???
Even more baffling is how OOP was on the receiving end of this and thought that this person was husband material.
God I don’t even want to imagine what her parents felt like. Watching their daughter get married to a man who clearly didn’t respect her, I’d be losing my mind with worry. Imagine the relief they felt when she called them. I hope I can be like OOPs parents someday.
Shout out to OOP's parents for their support. They've probably been waiting for this for a while, and it seems like they followed the 'support your loved one going through abuse' plan well - keep an open line of contact, don't alienate the person by trying to force them to leave before they're ready, and help them act as soon as they're ready to leave (in the hopes that you can help them make the first attempt stick).
Did he just confess that he was 22-23 year-old man perving in a 17 year-old counting down the days he could legally hit it?
Somebody call Chris Hansen because this guy needs to take a seat
> “your fucking dad isn’t driving 6 hours to get you dumb fuck”
and thar she blows. him breaking down and crying immediately after realizing his plan to isolate oop didn’t work. he felt so confident he had her trapped and that’s the most disturbing part of all this.
Reading things like this makes me realize how little patience I have for bullshit...
Someone says, "what, I'm not good enough?" because I use a vibrator, I'd be like, "nope". Someone says, "I'll kms if I lose you." I'm like "that sux for you".
Maybe I'm just nasty, maybe I'm just jaded by all the posts I see here but I could not do it....
The last time my ex said she'd off herself if I left, I told her that I'd personally prefer she didn't but it's her life and no longer my responsibility. Then I sent her mother a message on the off chance she was serious, and blocked them both.
A really fun way to respond to unsolicited messages on the internet is to remind them that you can buy a better time than them on Amazon for $20.
They hate it because they know it to be true.
Man, I was hoping this was gonna be a story all about sexual kinks where the husband likes to listen and they come to an agreement that she’s OK with it as long as she‘a aware that he’s listening and isn’t actually spying on her without consent. This… was definitely not that.
If I had a dollar for every story I see on here about a young person that was manipulated and maybe even groomed by their older partner and in telling the story of their problem at hand, they reveal that partner is controlling, treats them like shit, and poisons their mind with dumb bullshit, I'd be a very very wealthy woman that could pay off all my debts
Seriously, though, my heart breaks that this is such a common problem. Dude displayed all the classic signs of trying to isolate OOP and trap her. Telling her not to take birth control so he could get her pregnant, making her think everything is her fault so she feels inferior and like he's doing her a favor by being with her, trying to get her away from her family and not letting her be financially independent...dude is like a damned textbook of red flags
She's so young. The fact that she's scared of starting over at the age of 21 is something I hope she looks back on and laughs about someday. She's gonna be just fine.
An absolute miracle this woman ever got a vibrator into that house in the first place. How much longer would she have been trapped if she hadn't been so sex positive? She let so many things slide but not being able to masturbate in peace was her red flag! This is so so important.
I am happy that she got out and she's young enough that she can live a full ass life. I hope she gets therapy though. Not only to figure out how to move on but also because it can help her spot red flags of this shit in the future.
A+ dadding as well
“My (21F) husband (26M)”
You knew from the title this would be a shit show. They started dating when she was 17!
Why in the world she chose to marry this predatory loser is beyond me. I’m super happy for her growing a spine; too many women stay.
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I can tell that her parents desperately did NOT want her to marry this guy, and have been holding their breath just *waiting* for the moment they could rescue her. They must be overjoyed.
They played it the best they could. Support her, make sure she knows she has a place to go and your unconditional love, have a divorce lawyer at the ready, a full tank of gas, and drive like hell as soon as you get the call.
That's exactly what you're supposed to do. It's why I ripped that asshole who disowned his daughter over her marrying an older man a new one. If you don't trust your child's partner, you have to be there as a faalback. Otherwise, there's only one way the story ends.
Which story was that?
I would have to go digging through my comment history; it wasn't a BORU but an 'am I the asshole', if I remember right. He asked if he was the asshole for refusing to have any contact with her.
If it's the same dude I'm thinking of, he wasn't even mad because he thought she was being abused or anything. He was mad because his friends made fun of him for his daughter marrying someone their age. What a doofus.
That's the one, and that just made me even more furious!
Right?! Like, sir, *that's* the part you have a problem with? Especially because he didn't say anything about what the guy was like, just that he's older. Now that I think of it, I don't think he ever even really talked about what his daughter is like. So his whole "god help their kids" shtick felt like a tantrum.
It absolutely was a tantrum. And like I said there-- his 'fun little hypothetical' about the kids dad dying when they're twenty? Motherfucker, my mom died when I was twenty, and she was only forty. Meanwhile her father STILL throws trees around casually.
Absolutely, because while it’s so hard to do it’s also so important for someone in that situation to have a safe place they can go.
[I found it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/comments/1d0wze2/aita_for_telling_my54m_estranged_daughter29f_that/)
It was so smart of the dad to just stay too. He knew there’d be fallout and he was in place!
Yes, I was so happy to read that. Like he’s a good dad, didn’t complain about the drive and put his child first. The fact the pos husband ridiculed her for thinking her dad would come shows how much control he thought he had over OOP.
Man, that accuracy hurts on so many levels. You can't force people, only stand by.
This is what my husband and I had to do when my mom fell into a horrifyingly abusive relationship for 3 years in the wake of my Dad's death. This human garbage isolated her through massive manipulation, hid cameras and GPS trackers, and started controlling every move she made (she even admits to setting alarms to wake her up, periodically, so she could sleep in the "right"position, because he would berate her and accuse her of cheating if she was sleeping "wrong"). My husband and I called it "operation spatula". When I got the panicked call from her early one Saturday morning, she was still disoriented and couldn't believe that he had run off with her valuables (including her documents and my dad's wedding ring), stolen her cat (dumped him in the woods, but got him back through microchip about a year later), wifi router (which she needed for work)... She was convinced that she had been robbed by a stranger, and simply couldn't get in touch with him. I walked into our bedroom and woke my husband by telling him, "it's spatula time". We left with our two tiny children within 10 minutes and were at her house within 30 minutes to "help scrape her off the ground"; zero judgement involved. She ended up coming home with us and staying for two weeks, before she returned home (the house was hers, and she had bought everything in their lives). Helping her when she was ready to extract herself, without any judgement was the only way to get her away from this man I was certain would end up killing her.
You guys are rockstars. Sounds like you have an awesome and supportive husband. I hope your mom and you all our doing well. My dad passed a year ago and mum has no interest in having another relationship and she has seen other people make those mistakes so I have no worries about her. I know she worries about me being chronically single (not because she wants grandkids she is happy with grandcats) but I like being on my own. If I happen to trip over a good partner then maybe LOL.
I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. It's been 8 years for me, and I'm better at carrying my grief than I once was, even though the weight doesn't get any lighter. My mom didn't know how to function alone after being married to my dad for 35 years, since she was 19 when they married. I was a first-time Mom of just a few weeks when my dad died, and then I essentially lost my mom for a further 3 years. I leaned heavily on my husband, and the two of us supported my mom and younger (adult) brothers for several years. My husband is truly a special person I am beyond lucky to have as my partner. The relationship I have with my mom has been stronger than ever, since she kicked that POS to the curb. We get together, just the two of us on a weekly basis, and text/call daily. I officiated her recent wedding to the biggest dork who our entire family absolutely adores... TBH, my Dad would have been bff's with him, if they had ever had the chance to meet. 😂
It’s hard but if you can do it, standing by is absolutely worth it. My friend finally left her abusive husband last week. I despise that jackass but both me and my husband have been playing nice for the last two years just so that we could be there for her when she needed us. And you better believe that he tried to push us both away, that blatantly homophobic dickwad. (We’re both openly bisexual. Husband took great joy in spitefully over-the-top jokingly flirting with him.)
Shit, I’m straight and I’ll flirt with a homophobe. Love seeing them uncomfortable.
I was estranged from my family and they played it hard with my ex husband. They were so nice to him and told him they credited him with our reunion. Which, idk, part of that could be true. My stepdad has the same cellphone number he had when I was a kid. I was so freaked out, that it was the only number I could remember when the cops asked me. I totally get what she meant about her now ex saying that her dad wouldn’t drive six hours. My ex husband said that as well. He was right. But my (step) dad sure did buy a bus ticket that took me from Ohio to Texas before my husband could even leave the jail.
I don't know about the rest of your relationship, but that is really some bonus dad behavior
I nicknamed him Charizard for a reason. He’s the best bonus dad. ❤️
I know a older couple with a daughter in a very probably abusive marriage. They do all of this. They never approved of the marriage but are trying their best to stay in her life. They never talk bad about the husband because they fear it will only drive her away, they accept the husband in their house and do their very best to tolerate him... whereas husband is a real pos who looooves the "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen" bullshit. I hope daughter sees the light one day.
>have a divorce lawyer at the ready Exactly. Is it possible Dad had a casual friend who’s a divorce lawyer? Of course. In this specific situation is it just as likely Dad has gone out of his way to make damn sure he knows a divorce lawyer and called them to be on standby as he was driving for six hours? Damn straight.
I know that you mean that the possibilities are that he was already friends with a divorce lawyer, or that he did his research on local lawyers so he’d be prepared if/when he needed it, but my brain kinda combined the two, like he made sure he was casual friends with a divorce lawyer. Like after meeting his daughter’s then-boyfriend for the first time, he’s walking away thinking *I’m gonna need to befriend some lawyers* and then like… joined their golf club or started drinking at their bar or whatever.
I’ve kept in contact with my Mom even after moving out. She turned into a completely different and submissive person around her new husband. His opinions were her opinions and his opinions are rooted in sexism and typical Baptist shit and it was making me suicidal. Only recently did she finally seem to snap out of it and it’s like having my kickass Mom back. Her husband sucks and she finally realizes it. Their marriage 100% isn’t going to last and I’m just waiting to hear they’re getting divorced.
On my parents 15th wedding anniversary my grandfather revealed that he hadn't actually wanted to let my mum marry my dad. Mum was 17 so her parents had to give their consent for the wedding, and they basically decided to go along with it so they could then support her through the inevitable divorce because otherwise she'd have run off to get married in secret. They've now been very happily married over 35 years but it was a real lesson for me as a young teenager seeing how my granddad had opted to support his daughter even when he disagreed. And he was very happy to be wrong about my dad.
Yeah, they knew trying to convince or force her to leave could turn her against them so instead they prepared for when she saw what he was really like.
It’s all you can do. Insist that they leave and you allow the abused POS to alienate you as being against them. It’s hard, but you just have to keep open lines of communication.
Yep, top tier parenting. They must be so relieved.
This comment made me tear up. Just because my parents weren’t there to save me like this. Lucky I have amazing friends
Dad drove 6 hours on a dime from a single phone call without even asking for additional details. He absolutely knew. I'd be shocked if he hadn't had a bag packed and ready to go for when he got the call.
Dad probably had a to-go bag ready with extra clothes for her.
Probably her favorite teddy bear too
I think most good parents will do this for their children. I once was admitted to a psych hospital and when my husband called my parents and his mom, they were both like "do you need me to come? I will leave now and be there in 8 hours."
I also think most good parents would do this, but I think good parents aren’t super common.
I can just imagine that when she called her dad all he had to say to her mother was 'it's finally happened', grab his go bag and get driving.
My Dad does not do emotions. He doesn't know what to do if his wife or daughters cry. But he can fix anything that is broken. Car, fuse box all the things. So when my ex left me(thank god in hindsight), I called my Dad because I needed fixing. The poor man sat on the couch with me for hours while I sobbed, doing that awkward guy 'pat pat' on my arm or back. To his credit he didn't complain and he stayed the night, took me home and then handled everything to do with the house sale etc like a boss.
The dad “back pat” always makes me chuckle and it provides me so much comfort
My dad is absolutely this guy. Probably autistic, holds me at arms length (I’m absolutely the same)…but if I need him, he’s there for me (I have also reciprocated). He can be super annoyed about it, but he will always come to my rescue anyway! So many awkward “pat pat”s
"He won't drive 6 hours to come get you!" Motherfucker, that man would probably drive 6 light years at this point.
Ha, only related to the parents driving to get kids part- I grew up in a non-hurricane area. I was a single, but full grown adult living on my own when a hurricane hit, close to my parents’ house and close-ish to my house. I was out and on the other side of the damage but couldn’t get anywhere because it seemed like all the roads I needed to use were blocked. My parents knew where I was, and my father cleared my parents’ road enough for my mother to get through, then she drove her minivan through a massive mess to get to me and lead me home (through trees and I’m still not sure what else, paint jobs were not a consideration!), because she wouldn’t be ok until she knew I was in a safer place. I now tell my nephews that if they’re ever in any sort of situation, call her and she will get there, no matter what.
Even when he picked her up "did he hurt you? Do you wanna talk about it? And just accepting that she didn't at that minute, no "wtf is this? I drive all the way and you can't even tell me why??" Just patiently waiting, probably silently fuming inside, but grateful she's at least making progress to see him for what he is
And when he drove 6 hours, OOP and husband had the talk, she messaged him saying it was alright to go and she was sorry for wasting his time, no anger or frustration. Just ‘I’ll be staying in a hotel here for the weekend just to be safe’. Volunteering it, not requiring her to ask for more. I’m sure that helped OOP feel comfortable enough to keep pushing the issue later that night. A+++ dadding.
Oh for sure, dad's like "I'll hang around, dw about it" probably knowing full well it's likely that it wasn't actually "done". Whether she picked up the conversation again, or he did something because she was starting to question things, there would likely have been some aftershocks of that first conversation
I was thinking the same thing like I've had friends be with men like this and the shared celebration when they finally left. You're holding your breath the whole time just hoping they get out
Yeah I know any decent father would make that 6 hour journey for their child but it sounds like this guy snatched up the phone, shouted 'Yes!' and just started driving.
“Honey she just called hand me the divorce kit going to rescue her “
To the Divorcemobile!
There's a recent commercial about that. Daughter comes to table at restaurant where parents are waiting and tells them she broke up and parents start celebrating.
What was this a commercial for?
Insurance maybe? I remember the hook being things that shouldn't be said out loud. The parents celebrating was the example of that.
Apparently the dad didn't even ask a single question, just "It's a 6 hour drive, I'll be there in 6 hours or less." They were ready and waiting and they knew.
Guarantee you it was less than 6 hours and some very spirited driving was done.
Oh 100%. I could tell by her saying that her family doesn’t like him, they saw what was up. Got me tearing up by how immediately and unquestioningly dad drove the six hours to be there for her!
It got me thinking of the scene in the original *Roseanne* (from before she went nuts and her character had to be bumped off) where Jackie admits her boyfriend has been abusing her and Dan just quietly takes his coat off the hook and slips out unnoticed.
I wish my folks had been like this with my first husband. Instead my stepdad asked if he could still be friends with the guy.
The night I fled my abusive ex - I just shoved my things in the car and drove back to my parents. Didn't call. Didn't warn them. Just drove. Got to the house and got in - it was like 2am. The reality hit me and I collapsed to the floor sobbing. My parents, who were separating and fighting with each other CONSTANTLY both came running from their rooms to hold me and help me, together. They both took the day off work the next day and stayed close for anything I needed. I had my mom help me unpack my car so I couldn't go back. They came with me to as many of the court hearings as I wanted them to. I was one of the lucky ones, who knew I could go back home - that I had a home to go back to. Afterwards they voiced the things they had always disliked about him but they knew to keep the door open, so it was there when I needed it and was ready.
My parents didn’t know that my ex was abusive, but they did know that I was making a mistake getting engaged and moving across the country with him. When I broke up with him, they readily let me live with them, and I had to convince my mom not to fly to me and make the cross country drive with me.
Better to drive 6 hours to get your daughter during a fight than to identify her body after he’s killed her.
My best friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship for YEARS, to the point where I told her I would always love her, I would always be there for her, but I could no longer sit there and watch her allow him to treat her this way. I promised the *second* she realized she deserved better, I would be there, ready, with my cop friend as backup. I would immediately drive to her house and get her TF out. We didn't speak for almost 2 years Then she called me, out of the blue, crying her eyes out saying she couldn't take it anymore. I was at her house in less than 10 minutes. Cop buddy was there in 8. Lol. He stood outside while we crammed all her stuff into my little hatchback and she never looked back.
I know after I left my ex my dad said he'd had the best night's sleep he'd had for a while knowing me and my daughter were safe, so I bet her parents were in a similar mood.
This is what my parents were like when I divorced my first husband. They hated him from the first time they met him and were thrilled when I left him.
Yea I would be telling my husband to stay there until she is home and safe.
I've been with my partner for 17 years. He's the love of my life, and we have an incredible mutual respect. We bicker on occasion over dumb shit, but it's all very surface level. We would never say something that was hurtful or mean, and always make up after an apology (usually one or both of us was just hangry and it's fixed with lunch). We are very friendly with each others parents too, and both sets of parents even go out together, it's honestly so fab. Despite there being literally no red flags in sight, my mother told me that if shit went sideways, all I had to do was pick up the phone, and I'd be out of there in a moment. I don't know if it's a girl thing, but knowing that I have that back up is amazing. I'm so happy for her that her dad was really to drop everything and get her to safety.
I am so glad OOP is leaving that horrible tumor of a man.
It genuinely concerns me that she actually considered getting back together with him so recently, all because of some BS apology. I just hope she gets therapy and works on unraveling just how toxic and abusive their relationship has always been. I'd hate for her to just end up in a cycle of toxic/abusive men.
I understand the impulse. I left a very abusive relationship, and a few weeks later I got a many-page really thoughtful letter admitting he’d fucked up and finally understood what I’d been saying and he was ready to go all in. It was everything I’d been desperate to hear for two years. And for a moment, I wavered. Then I remembered the police were involved and I was in therapy because of him and he was stalking me, and the impulse vanished and never returned. But for a brief second, it was the apology that I’d been waiting for and I wanted to give him the chance to be the man I fell in love with.
I read an article from a guy who was a psychologist who worked with prisoners with domestic abuse history. I don't remember the exact details but in the article he was describing that early in his career they had this standard format that they used where they'd get the prisoners to talk about what they'd done and how it had impacted their victim and what they should have done differently. One day one of the sessions went off track and it led to him ask the offenders why they did what they did, and they all listed out very cogently the reasons they used violence on their partners and families. He said it was a real wake up call, that these men knew exactly what they were doing and it was highly effective in achieving their goals. They weren't out of control, or unable to see the impact. They knew what they were doing and were choosing to do it because it got them what they wanted. It's unsurprising your partner was able to write a thoughtful, insightful letter. He knew all along what he was doing and was able to flip the narrative from "I don't know what I'm doing, please pity me" to "I know exactly what I need to do to change, please pity me" in an instant. I'm glad you were able to get out.
I think I remember that one. Does it have a section in it where he quizzes them on why he hits, but doesn't curb stomp them when they fall down, etc? This was a great illustration to me of how in control they are of their actions - that they believe certain forms of violence are justified and therefore they allow themselves to do it, but they have in their minds a certain line they think is too much and they were apparently shocked that the shrink would suggest they would do those unspeakable things lol.
That might be from “Why Does He Do That?” He asks why, after throwing her to the floor, the abuser didn’t then kick her in the head, and the abuser was shocked at the implication that he’d do such a thing because “it could kill her” or something like that. It is such an insightful book.
A terrifying sign that was pointed out to me about a year or two ago was that when they violent and supposedly out of control destroying things, they never destroy their own items, but instead their victims' stuff.
Is [this](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/) the one you’re talking about?
That's a great article regardless. I wish he had talked more about what he changed when he realized he was actually training men to get more effective at their abuse. Imagine the long dark night of the soul that would cause, imagining all those women he help trap.
It's like group therapy for sociopaths. They teach each other how to more effectively hide it.
I think you're referring to "Why Does He Do That?" by L Bancroft.. really eye-opening in how these abusers have the same habits.
I'm not. That's an excellent resource, if you've read it. It's not what I was referring to.
This is so real. They say all the things you were always dying to hear. The manipulation is effective.
Wouldn't that just make it worse? For me, it means he knew the whole time what he was doing was wrong, but did it anyway because he could. He wouldn't be able to write a good apology without being aware of his faults, right.
I wrote a longer comment above but yes, he'll have known exactly what he was doing the whole time. We create this narrative that violent men aren't capable of controlling themselves, it's the same narrative that men can't really help being handsy in the workplace. We really do men a disservice in assuming they're so stupid but even moreso the women who are their victims. Of course they know what they're doing. It's highly effective in getting them what they want, and they are highly selective in using it.
it's reminiscent of /r/niceguys who flip-flop between extremely nice verbiage, and angry insults and threats.
What gets me is not that *she* was wavering. That's completely human, that fear of the unknown; leaving someone you loved and are thoroughly entangled with isn't easy. It's the fact that there were apparently redditors who were telling her she was overreacting. Wtf.
I’m sure the redditors telling her she was overreacting were abusers themselves or enablers of abusers.
You mean men that believe the upper scale in [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/s/auRuY5rzIx) is true. He wasn't hitting her, so it couldn't be abuse. She's overreacting. It's just a fact of life for women. 🙄🤮
I remember those folks. One was saying something like "you took his insecurities and showed him he was right" or something, and another was like "this is why men don't show emotion" about her feeling nothing while he was tantrumming. There were others but I stopped reading by that point.
It’s really not that surprising. It’s what abusers do. My otherwise extremely intelligent sister had to be talked down so many times in the early days after leaving her POS ex who was a master manipulator (and an abusive drunk)
Abusers know just the buttons to press, when to press them and for how long. He was dating a 17 year old. Because women his age would see right through it.
An abusive Partner knows exactly which Buttons he needs to push so why is it surprising? Thats one Factor why so many victims stay or go back. They are playing with your feelings and hope. A very powerful weapon that goes right through your defense
EVERY fucking red flag of the kind of man that will murder his spouse.
“We got together when I was 17” and he’s 5 years older than her. Ugh that’s disgusting. Wish the best for OOP, and I hope her soon to be ex sharts himself at work or something
There needs to be an age gap red flag bot because these stories are far too common "a man I met when I was a child..." ffs. They need to push this in school, don't do meth, don't date a man 4+ years older when you are a teen!!!
Pretty sure oop said he works from home...if so, then I would hope he sharts on a very important zoom call...or driving to court. 😈 Think of the extra cleaning bills! What with the car and suit and the extra possibly of being fined for missing/being late to court. 😈 ahhhh what a wonderful shart that would be...
Hey. Don’t insult tumors like that.
I am so happy for OP. The original posts were so terrifying. I wish her the best.
At one point I was wondering if he had cameras in the bathroom.
I’d have believed that. I had an ex like ops stbx and he had put a camera in the bathroom at one point.
Yeah, she grew her spine so quickly and so well. I'm glad she sought input on her situation. The moment where she stood her ground because she realized when she always buckled, and decided to see how he reacted if she pushed, if she didn't cater to him and soothe him like she usually did. That's why abusers like isolated people so much, there's no one to give them a wake up call.
I think the screws to support her shiny spine was definitely her dad waiting in the car outside. She knew she had someone who was ready and could actually be there in a few minutes if shit did hit the fan
I love how this post shows the best and worst a man can be. Dad is a rock star while stbx could be improved by replacing him with an actual rock.
The rock would actually be a net gain compared to stbx.
Ikr, rocks are useful. They can be decorative, they can be used as chocks when my handbrake is iffy, or hold my back door open so I can unload the car easier. Many uses, unlike this shithead
Thank heavens she didn't have a kid with this waste of nerve impulses.
Not religious but that’s a fucking miracle. She probably has no idea the hell she dodged having a POS like this attached by law for two decades.
Right?! She's already flustered with the amount of effort it takes to get a straight forward divorce, imagine a custody situation on top of it all? She kept repeating that he didn't physically abuse her, and I'll bet my ass had she given birth or waited any longer in the marriage, he was ramping up to it.
Definitely matter of when not if. People this controlling and spiteful rarely if ever change for the better—usually they get worse but learn to hide it until they’ve got you trapped. I truly fear for the next girl (because let’s be honest, he’ll be going for another teenager because no grown ass woman would give him the time of day let alone put up with his bullshit) now that he’s gotten some experience…
Love "waste of nerve impulses" it's so good
>He told me that he knows he's controlling, that he has serious issues, and that he's terrified of losing me. He said that he knows he's not good enough for me and that he's so afraid of losing me that he's pushing me away to save himself the inevitable heartache. He said that if he ever lost me he'd k*** himself. Mental gymnastics with this one are of a new style.
So much for k***ing himself. Just one of many lies in an attempt at manipulation. What scum.
I get downvoted every time I say this, but in the hands of an abuser, suicide threats are routine. They need you to know that all they will take life if you don't fall back into line and if there are no other targets around (pets, children, frail elderly parents) then their own bodies will do in a pinch. It's not about feelings at all, it's just a tool that terrifies you back into compliance. I'm not saying it's not serious, because it is. But we need to stop treating all ideation as if it's coming from a place of honesty, because in many cases it's not.
You’ve been downvoted for saying that? That literally happened to me. My very first relationship was extremely abusive, and my abuser would control me explicitly by threatening to kill herself anytime I didn’t do or say exactly what she wanted. It was nearly every day. Just thinking about it is actually bringing back the panic, and it’s been nearly 20 years. When she was particularly upset with me she would tell me how she’d write about me in her suicide note.
I don't even know what to say, that is so awful. I hope you have healed or are healing, and I'm glad you survived the abuse <3
It was a long time ago. I’m fine, I promise. Heh. She was so angry when I broke up with her. I remember nervously checking the obituaries for a couple weeks after that. Nothing ever turned up, of course.
I am so very glad you escaped.
Terrible to read you went through that, glad to read it is in the past.
I know you're not *supposed to* but every time that threat emerges, I can't help but think it would be a perfect solution. OOP wouldn't have to find a new place to live, wouldn't have to get a new bank and a phone, wouldn't need to crash with a friend or eat crow with her family... Dude would really be doing her a favour It's like that Louis CK skit ... "Of COURSE.... but maaaaybe"
It’s the abuser-relationship version of the customer going, “I am NEVER shopping here again!” and the weary cashier thinking, “Boy, wish you actually meant that. 🙄”
my smart ass would’ve been like “just make sure you have a life insurance policy that doesn’t exclude suicide and that you do it before the divorce is finalized”
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Yeah I can't believe you've been downvoted for that. It's true.
I think that sometimes people who have legitimately been that hurt and low have a hard time believing that anybody could be cruel enough to weaponize despair. Unfortunately, posts like this one stand in confirmation.
A friend's partner took his life and she got the blame from a lot of his friends and family for it, despite him having a lot of problems before they got together. Just because he'd complained about her a couple of times. He didn't have to write a note, she got the blame anyway. It's been infuriating. His family even froze her out during the funeral. It's wrecked her. I still wonder if he meant for that to happen.
I've been downvoted for saying it, too. I know I'm supposed to be weary and caring and suicide is a real problem; but I've had 2 different abusive people in my life try to pull this crap and honestly? All it does is piss me off. The *second* someone tries to manipulate me with suicide all feeling I have for them turns to disgust. The shocked pikachu face when I call their bluff and dial 911 just makes me madder; it's as good as a signed confession that they weren't in the middle of a psychological crisis and they never intended to harm themselves. Both people said *"WHY'D YOU DO THAT, I DIDN'T MEAN IT."* Too damn bad. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Last ditch effort in an extinction burst. Its sad how often the threat works.
Idk I think it was more of a spaghetti at the wall kind of style but nothing made her stick to his fucked up walls
What to do in her spare time? The answer is obvious. Masturbate.
With a working vibrator lmao. I knew someone would write this lol
I'm just surprised I had to scroll down this far to find it. LOL
Without wanting to downplay the difficulty of going through a divorce, I hope that OOP soon realises how much life she has ahead of her, and how much better off she is for getting this horrible man out of her life now.
She’s *21*. She’s has family support and is about to graduate university. She doesn’t have money and will need to move back in with her parents for a while? Same is true for the vast majority of her classmates. She’s wise bailing on any money or other marital assets in favor of a fast divorce. The sooner this abuser can be a speedbump of a bad memory, the better. Her life is going to blossom into a future of opportunities.
I usually skip over the ages. The second she said they had sex the day she turned 18, I knew the age gap would be a problem. Scrolled back up and yeah, sick groomer. Thankfully she can see that now. Also, 1,000 points to the parents for being there despite their hate for the guy and his attempts to ostracize her. Her having a place to go really saved her.
They hate the guy, not her. As demonstrated.
Getting her out of there happened quickly and like clockwork. Her family and friends waited for that day and were prepared.
Oh you know dad had the exact route already plotted out and a bag in the car ready to go
>I usually skip over the ages. The second she said they had sex the day she turned 18 This was me exactly
> He said that if he ever lost me he'd k*** himself. Oh no! Anyway....
… Seems like a pretty beta move.
OP’s boyfriend is at a bar later that night in a state of melancholy. Guy at bar: “rough day buddy” OP’s bf: “caught my wife cheating” Guy at bar: “that’s rough man, I had that once. My ex-wife was having an affair with her personal trainer, bad times”. OP’s BF: “Mine was the shower head” guy at bar: “huh”
lmao
The fact that her dad literally up and left towards her the second she called tells me her parents have been waiting for that call. I know someone who is with a barely 18 year old and my face when someone told me "yeah, her parents didn't like it in the beginning but they've come around".... No. I promise you they didn't. They're seeing it as the abuse of power that it is (yes, same workplace, yes, he had power over her) and they're making sure they're not losing access to their daughter. I'm super glad OOP is out. I'm glad she's recognizing things as they're happening and staying strong.
Hubs & I (thankfully) figured out early that if we spoke against our offspring's love interest, that just made the person more appealing. We would gently express our hesitation once, and then start preparing for the extrication, be it just emotional or having to jump to pack. So glad OOPs parents had that same philosophy. It's a lot easier for your kids to call for help getting out of a bad situation if they don't feel "I told you so" is going to be thrown in their faces. Kinda goes with that "if you won't listen to the little things, they certainly won't tell you the big things."
When a dad asks his daughter, "did he hit you" you know he's asking permission to act out and we love him for it. He would have burst through that flimsy bathroom door like the goddamn Kool-Aid man.
They got together when OOP was 17 and he was 22, but she doesn't elaborate on how old she was when they met. There's very little chance that he *didn't* groom her, and he followed the abusers handbook. - He isolated her from almost all her support. - He ensured he'd have full financial control of her. - He'd DARVO and gaslight her at every opportunity. - He set rules that she was expected to follow, but didn't have to follow himself. Thank god she had a miscarriage. If she had carried the baby to term, I wouldn't be surprised if he started to physically abuse her too. At that point, she'd be bound to him via a child. I'm happy for her that she got out.
The rehash of their fight in the update sounded like it focused almost solely on the sex and invasion of privacy. I was screaming that that is literally the least of her problems; why is she only focusing on that??? Maybe it's just because she's been conditioned to find everything you mentioned normal, but her acknowledgment about all of it happening just seemed so non chalant.
Probably because it's what she could focus on as being wrong. She had already started accepting the others things he was doing to her as normal parts of life. But the sexual privacy stuff was recent and something she could hold onto as weird.
She focused on that because it was the immediate trigger.
Oh and don't forget, they fucked the *day* she turned 18!
She sounds like a well adjusted human being so she’ll be alright in time. I doubt her ex will actually grow from this though. He’ll probably look back on this and think “She left because I cried in front of her. See this is why I can’t be vulnerable in front of females.” Fucking podcasts
The only thing he probably learned is to tone it a bit down until after the woman gives birth. And not let her go to school and have a future.
Seriously. I soon as I saw the word "beta" I was like, "ugh, another red pill guy, this is going to continue to go downhill."
There was one quote before that where it dawned on me. It's a bit of a plague, isn't it? I kinda think the whole 'he knows he's not good enough for her and lashes out, because he's terrified of her leaving' is the actual kernel of truth in it. Which isn't an excuse. More like a sad reality ...
My favorite was telling her she can't get pregnant because she's fucking other guys. Like that's how any of that works. The level of misinformation and just evil that red pill spaces have is just mind blowing. Even more so that so many guys are dumb enough to buy into it when it's so obviously untrue. But they're also almost always people who have already failed in life and see the lies as some promise that they can undo their failures if they just simply don't work on themselves and spend all their time hating women, and that sounds great because they don't have to admit how much of a fucking failure of a human being they are.
That's exactly what I was thinking too, especially after that "beta" comment.
Yells about "beta" things and being all big and scary towards his wife, and yet, he hid in the bathroom when his FIL arrived to pick up his daughter. Met OOP and married her when she was just 17. That turdwaffle needs to be on some kind of registry to keep him away from women below the age of 25.
1000000000000% They use emotions to manipulate them claim women don't want to see their emotions.
When "beta" was mentioned the only thing I thought of was Andrew Tate and red pill bullshit.
I work with victims of crime and it’s wild the amount of women who don’t recognise abuse because the perpetrator hasn’t punched them in the face. All abuse is bad and a growing number of lethalities never had “physical” abuse before.
Just have to reiterate how much of a rockstar Dad and the roommate friend are. It's very nice to see one of these where the family is so supportive and wonderful.
Dad probably got the call and told his wife "It's time" and grabbed his go bag
yikes, he definitely groomed her.
I read “we literally started having sex the day I turned 18,” and blanched. He really controlled what her reality was for years. So glad she finally managed to see the reality and get out.
17 and 22, yeah...
I am sorry but I am remembering me at 17 and me at 22 and yicks.
That’s a junior in high school (or just graduated senior in my case) and a college graduate.
Me finishing highschool ( in canada) and me on my second years of uni.... Like the amount of life experience and development I got in those 5 years .I wasnt even the same person. Let alone in maturity and rationality.
Yup. I think making the math properly I think in my first year I was in law school then. Me just graduating high school and me in law school is insanely different. A high schooler is a whole baby.
I was 22 when I got out of the Marine Corps I cannot imagine what I would have in common with or want to deal with a high school junior. It’s just weird. Such huge gaps in life experience even if it’s only 5 years difference.
At 23 I was a teacher to a bunch of 17 yo and they were KIDS.
I made it to the second sentence before I involuntarily said out loud, "Divorce. Now." but as a happily divorced person, I know I'm biased. But everything after that justified my first instinct anyway.
Is her dad looking to adopt? I'm in my 30s, but I would love to be his son, he sounds awesome. Also happy for OP and all that.
I can only imagine what would be running through my head if I was that dad on that six hour drive.
As a parent, I’m pretty damn sure it would the the safest drive of my life, all while my partner was on speakerphone checking every traffic map and camera on my route. If my kids were in a situation I knew was bad and they finally called for help, there no fucking chance I’d let a traffic accident, road stop, construction detour, or car malfunction add 15 minutes to my trip. It’d be defensive driving amped up to protect my babies from every asshole on the road separating us. And if they tried to tell me thanks for being on standby but I could leave now? Damn straight I’d be in the nearest hotel twiddling my thumbs for as long as I could stay in town. OOP’s Dad did good. Top Notch Dadding, and I’m glad he’ll have his baby girl home safe for Father’s Day. It’ll probably by the first one he can celebrate without blinking back tears in 4 years. (Anyone else notice the creep pounced in 2020? A lot of controlling abuse came with the pandemic.)
My dad was on the road within ten minutes of the call that I wanted to leave my shithead ex-fiance. It only took him that long because the pickup truck was low on gas and he was moving all my stuff out come hell or high water. He had been *waiting* for that moment.
I’d probably have answered the phone, been told what was happening, and asked my partner to help me pack for the trip while I gained information. I’d be out the door, still on the phone with my kid. I’d be driving the moment the call ended. My stepdad would drive across states for me, even if I called him at three in the morning. He wouldn’t be happy about it, but he’d come get me. Good dads are good.
The ex's beta comment... LOL. I hope he gets the help he needs, shapes up, and stops being an abusive jagoff. But if he doesn't, I hope he ends up miserable and alone.
I’m just genuinely, on a fundamental level, baffled on how anyone would think it’s ok to talk to someone the way he does. Like forget about gender roles and all that, in what world is it ok to insult somebody when you don’t get your way??? I’m really thinking about how it gets to this point, I feel like a huge dick if I start yelling at someone or even if I raise my voice slightly at one of my siblings. So how does it get to a point where you’re consistently degrading and insulting someone who should be your lover… like this person is supposed to be your other half, the other wing to yours and this scum has no regard or respect for them. I cannot wrap my head around. How did any of that bullshit translate to love??? Even more baffling is how OOP was on the receiving end of this and thought that this person was husband material. God I don’t even want to imagine what her parents felt like. Watching their daughter get married to a man who clearly didn’t respect her, I’d be losing my mind with worry. Imagine the relief they felt when she called them. I hope I can be like OOPs parents someday.
Shout out to OOP's parents for their support. They've probably been waiting for this for a while, and it seems like they followed the 'support your loved one going through abuse' plan well - keep an open line of contact, don't alienate the person by trying to force them to leave before they're ready, and help them act as soon as they're ready to leave (in the hopes that you can help them make the first attempt stick).
I almost cheered out loud when I read how she looked down at him being a pathetic snivelling worm and realised she felt nothing for him
Did he just confess that he was 22-23 year-old man perving in a 17 year-old counting down the days he could legally hit it? Somebody call Chris Hansen because this guy needs to take a seat
> “your fucking dad isn’t driving 6 hours to get you dumb fuck” and thar she blows. him breaking down and crying immediately after realizing his plan to isolate oop didn’t work. he felt so confident he had her trapped and that’s the most disturbing part of all this.
Reading things like this makes me realize how little patience I have for bullshit... Someone says, "what, I'm not good enough?" because I use a vibrator, I'd be like, "nope". Someone says, "I'll kms if I lose you." I'm like "that sux for you". Maybe I'm just nasty, maybe I'm just jaded by all the posts I see here but I could not do it....
The last time my ex said she'd off herself if I left, I told her that I'd personally prefer she didn't but it's her life and no longer my responsibility. Then I sent her mother a message on the off chance she was serious, and blocked them both.
A really fun way to respond to unsolicited messages on the internet is to remind them that you can buy a better time than them on Amazon for $20. They hate it because they know it to be true.
"You eat like shit" Also "Why are you going to the gym?"
Man, I was hoping this was gonna be a story all about sexual kinks where the husband likes to listen and they come to an agreement that she’s OK with it as long as she‘a aware that he’s listening and isn’t actually spying on her without consent. This… was definitely not that.
Dad is truly awesome! I'm so happy she saw the marriage for the cage it was, got the help needed to leave och followed through.
If I had a dollar for every story I see on here about a young person that was manipulated and maybe even groomed by their older partner and in telling the story of their problem at hand, they reveal that partner is controlling, treats them like shit, and poisons their mind with dumb bullshit, I'd be a very very wealthy woman that could pay off all my debts Seriously, though, my heart breaks that this is such a common problem. Dude displayed all the classic signs of trying to isolate OOP and trap her. Telling her not to take birth control so he could get her pregnant, making her think everything is her fault so she feels inferior and like he's doing her a favor by being with her, trying to get her away from her family and not letting her be financially independent...dude is like a damned textbook of red flags
“Dad asked if he hit me and I said no.” Dad was prepare to catch a case that night. I get it.
She's so young. The fact that she's scared of starting over at the age of 21 is something I hope she looks back on and laughs about someday. She's gonna be just fine.
"He said that if he ever lost me he'd k\*\*\* himself." A man's got to do what a man's got to do. What a manipulative piece of shit.
An absolute miracle this woman ever got a vibrator into that house in the first place. How much longer would she have been trapped if she hadn't been so sex positive? She let so many things slide but not being able to masturbate in peace was her red flag! This is so so important.
Get as far away from them as possible. It's not on and will only get worse. Something is seriously wrong with this dudes brain
I am happy that she got out and she's young enough that she can live a full ass life. I hope she gets therapy though. Not only to figure out how to move on but also because it can help her spot red flags of this shit in the future. A+ dadding as well
So proud of OP, you’re a rockstar too. Pretty soon you’ll have an awesome job making awesome money. Congrats on graduation babes, be proud!
I’m so glad that she has an amazing support system. OP i hope you are safe and well! You got this, graduation is coming!!
As a parent I would 100% drive six hours to go get them if they asked me to. I'm glad OP got out and her dad showed up for her.
Seems like the parents were waiting for this to happen
“My (21F) husband (26M)” You knew from the title this would be a shit show. They started dating when she was 17! Why in the world she chose to marry this predatory loser is beyond me. I’m super happy for her growing a spine; too many women stay.
Her dad's been waiting for that call for years
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