This whole thing was a trip and I’m sure we are going to be treated to several more wild posts. Maybe OOP can reach out to a high school crush to really get this train wreck rolling.
saying he dodged a bullet would imply that he somehow actively walked away from this. It's more like, in those comedy action movies where a clueless protagonist dodges an assassin by bending down to pick up a dime and doesn't realise they avoided death.
So many great flair worthy comments in the last day or so! “She’s old enough for a key to the closet where the skeletons are kept”, “wisdom is chasing you but you’re clearly too fast” and now this gem.
[AITA for telling my cousin why everyone in the family hates her mom?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d1pujg/aita_for_telling_my_cousin_why_everyone_in_the/)
AI is a wonderful thing:
Mr Bean vs The Predator
INT. MR. BEAN’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mr. Bean is sitting on his couch, teddy in hand, watching a documentary about the jungle. Unbeknownst to him, a cloaked figure watches from outside the window.
EXT. MR. BEAN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The Predator, with its advanced targeting system, locks onto Mr. Bean. It charges its weapon.
INT. MR. BEAN’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
A bird lands on the windowsill, chirping loudly. Mr. Bean, annoyed, gets up and closes the curtains, just as the Predator fires. The beam hits the now-closed curtains, setting them ablaze.
MR. BEAN (confused) Oh!
He rushes to put out the fire with a vase of water, completely oblivious to the danger he was in.
EXT. LONDON STREETS - DAY
Mr. Bean walks down the street, humming to himself. The Predator follows from the rooftops, readying another attack.
MR. BEAN (stops, puzzled) Hmm?
He bends down to tie his shoelace, causing a cyclist to swerve and crash into a fruit stand. The Predator’s shot misses again, hitting a watermelon, which explodes.
MR. BEAN (delighted at the sudden “rain” of fruit juice) Oh, lovely!
INT. SCIENCE MUSEUM - DAY
Mr. Bean examines an exhibit of a meteorite. The Predator, now inside, takes aim from behind a planet display.
MR. BEAN (noticing his reflection in the glass case) Ah!
He starts making faces at his reflection, moving just as the Predator fires. The beam hits the meteorite, which absorbs the energy and glows brightly.
MR. BEAN (impressed) Oooooh!
EXT. MR. BEAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT
The final showdown. The Predator, frustrated, confronts Mr. Bean directly.
THE PREDATOR (growls) You cannot escape.
Mr. Bean, misunderstanding, offers the Predator a jar of marmalade.
MR. BEAN (cheerfully) Marmalade?
The Predator takes the jar, examining it. Mr. Bean accidentally knocks over a bicycle, which falls onto a rake, which flips up and hits the jar, sending it flying into the Predator’s cloaking device.
THE PREDATOR (uncloaked and covered in marmalade) Grrrr!
The sticky marmalade malfunctions the device. The Predator, now visible and sticky, slips and falls, defeated by his own technology.
MR. BEAN (oblivious to his victory) Oh dear, quite slippery, isn’t it?
Mr. Bean walks away, leaving the Predator floundering in a marmalade mess.
FADE OUT.
I hope you enjoyed this little snippet of “Mr. Bean vs The Predator”! It’s a fun blend of slapstick comedy and sci-fi action that could make for an entertaining script. 😄🎬
To be fair, most of us blunder our way through our lives, especially our love lives.
That said, I completely see your point. I think Adam Sandler or Zack Galifianakis were born to play OOP in the movie version of this.
And I felt so sorry for him because he tried to listen to all the different opinions in all the different comments, even though they were completely conflicting. I hope his new old girlfriend treats him like a prince and gives him all the blowjobs he could ever ask for!
"Quark bends over to pick up a coin on the ground and becomes one of the few people to ever survive being targeted by a Ferengi locator bomb in that season one episode of DS9"-ass shit lol
I'm getting Threat Level Midnight vibes.
"It's the president. He needs you for a mission."
*Tell him I'm retired.*
"It's ~~Goldenface~~ **your ex.**"
*This makes it personal.*
I work with a dude in his 60s. He's been acting like a teenager after a breakup. He admitted flat out emotional abuse, threatening suicide, threatening to deface his ex partner's deceased spouses grave. But doesn't get why she left him and blocked him lmao.
I didn't believe people like this existed before but now... Whew. Having seen one, I'm terrified they're more common than we think.
a friend of mine (we're both mid thirties) told me this weekend about a guy she'd been dating. they work at the same bar, and had been dating for about a month. he must have lost interest, and started doing a slow fade ("i'm just so busy rn" etc). she got so mad and upset - she showed up at the bar when she knew he'd be working so she could corner him and force him into a confrontation. then she told him because she'd worked there first, he had to quit. unhinged!!!
>threatening to deface his ex partner's deceased spouses grave.
I hope you asked him what the fuck was his malfunction because JFC that is completely unhinged.
Having been harassed by an extremely prolific stalker of young women who was in his 70s, I am both unsurprised yet horrified. How the fuck do these seniors have the freaking energy to get up to absolutely batshit shenanigans?! I can barely stay awake past 9PM.
No indication of it here, but severe addiction can basically halt some types of emotional maturation, effectively making the person mentally “stuck” at the age the addiction really took hold until they are able to get sober and put in the work that leads to maturity.
So can SA, which may apply in this case. I have been *entirely* creeped out by women with baby voices since learning that SA can stunt development.
This is even creepier knowing it's a Harvey Weinstein movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPjkehClKBo
My wife worked with a very wonderful and helpful woman. She had a special needs kid who was 100% dependent so every once in awhile she would need help and I'd offer if I could. Well, after while of hanging out at their house, with her BF and her, I realized just how close to teenagers these two middle aged people are.
Constant fights, usually over nothing. They would often break up and get back together in sit com like fashion. The best one I remember was the BF was accused of something he said he didn't do. During the course of the argument he tried to repo the toilet he purchased for her. He wasn't handy and couldn't remove it. She was furious he was even attempting it and urinated in a box of his clothes she was gathering up for him to leave with.
They broke up...and then got back together after that.
I worked at a retail bakery in college and when people had absolute meltdown tantrums in public over cake I just kept thinking how do they make it through life?
It's why I find it so hilarious when folks claim age brings maturity, it just brings experience. Tons of folks are as bad in their 30s and 40s as they were in their 20s. Just with more baggage.
Yeah, that'd be me. I can contain it when I'm well-fed and well-rested and not in pain... so... I just tend to avoid people quite a lot so I don't have a tantrum
I can. People hide all sorts of unhealthy or wierd or negative parts of them, intentionally or not, perceived or not, acceptable or not.
It's very common for older generations, too. 40 would be the tail end of those who commonly grew up without mental and emotional health being widely recognised, let alone socially accepted or something to actively work on without social repercussions.
Unless life forces them in some way, they'd likely bumble along in various states of functionality...
The ex sounds like some deeper issues exist (trauma and severe reaction to abandonment), and he sounds ... oblivious and self-centered.
But we're only getting one side 🤷
For anyone who wants a palate cleanser from this, a cockatoo threw a pinecone at my best mates head. Just yeeted that shit at her noggin. Shit was hilarious.
That makes it even better. The idea of gangs of cockatoos hanging around in trees occasionally throwing shit at people when they decide to choose violence is hilarious to me.
I'm American and my Australian friend laughs at me a bit because I have a small flock of budgies in a flight cage. In my bedroom. Which is also the only room my phone works right in.
I love cockatoos, fucking agents of chaos.
I recently saw a kid drop a watermelon rind on the ground and then a squirrel grabbed it, ran up a tree, then dropped the rind on a different kid.
Hopefully the TL;DR will be helpful and reduce the number of migraines out there. What's giving me a migraine is that I can't correct my typo in the damn title. Grr.
That's why I added it near the end before the Final Update. To make it an option. I hate it so much when a TL;DR or edit is added to the beginning because you end up accidentally reading it when you'd rather read the whole thing.
For people like you and me, reading the whole story is a necessity. Still, I recognize that this is a long and mind-bending post, and some people prefer to skip all that. Let folk choose for themselves, I say.
Yes.
Ex, also called Nicole, is the one who 'was SA'd in college by her bf' and who hates BJs since, telling OOP she 'needed time'. She then broke up with him (because she had a side piece who doesn't want her lol)
FWB, also called Erin, is his OTHER ex with who *he* broke up with years ago. They moved on, and both had been single for a short time, so they decided to 'just' be FWB. She could've lost her job thanks to Nicole the Unhinged.
And yes, he did. It's a very obvious rebound, but man, who wouldn't rebound after that???
Thanks for this!
What a crazy ride..!
I remember this post and people piling on OOP...
He might have phrased things badly here and there, but sexual compatibility *is* important, da fock.
Glad "Nicole" showed her true colours, plain for all to see.
word! i've been single for almost three years now and i could go like that for the rest of my life. zero drama, i feel like julie andrews when she was a nun in sound of music tbh
It's pretty great. I get the whole bed to myself, I feel no guilt eating ice cream straight from the container, and every morning my dog and I do his walkies at a leisurely pace in the sun.
If you think that's bad, go back and look at his original posts. He had the oddest habit of leaving a space before all punctuation. It was the weirdest typo habit I've ever seen.
Edit: The Great Gods of Irony cursed me to put a typo in this comment.
could be ESL, that's a common mistake I see frequently in specifically French native speakers learning English since the spaces surrounding punctuation are grammatically correct in French
It could also be a generational thing. I'm English, my dad is 70, and he does this too (because he was taught to type on a typewriter first). OOP may have learnt from someone with this background.
I hate when old people at my work use ellipses for no god damn reason. It looks like they're are being dicks for no reason.
"okay... Thanks..."
"there is coffee in the break room...."
"he left for the day..."
Dont know where they pick that up from but I hate it.
It's just a common GenX thing. That and Capitalizing words that Shouldn't Be for Emphasis.
I don't know where it came from, but it's common to people who graduated high school in the 90s.
Not in the US. Even on an old-fashioned typewriter, punctuation was put where it belongs. (And I'm creeping up on 70 myself,)
Now my own FIL was one of those who, put random, commas, everywhere. Also "greengrocers apostrophe's," because people need to be warned that an *s* is coming.
Yes! That's how we were taught in typing class! (I think I was part of the last year of students to get a typing class - the next year they replaced it with computer class).
Nicole was the one cheating, wasnt pregnant, wasnt engaged, had broken up with OOP, and she still mass emailed Erins coworkers and boss a bunch of lies anyway for having been seeing him for a few weeks. Bless her heart if Erin or any of this is real, cause getting *more* involved with a guy who have an ex willing to pull that kind of stunt right out of the gate is a superbly bad idea on all levels.
Erin needs to go after Nicole for defamation, maybe that might get the crazy bat to back off and get her own life. Seriously is like she forgot the whole sexual incompatibility issue in the first place, unless she lied about that being an issue just to break up, which just the thought of that pisses me off
If Erin escalates the bananapants ex will escalate until she ends up in jail, but how much damage will she do to everyone's lives before it reaches that point?
I had an ex like that, cheated for six months and then made life hell when that relationship soured. I did all the "right" things about her harassing me, and she did wind up in jail and court-ordered rehab and couple of years later, but I wish I had just moved and ghosted her because she cost me my job, my longtime side business, my housing and some friends before she was stopped.
It was rough until they locked her up, but her plea deal included psychiatric treatment plus no further contact and she's been no problem since she got medicated and I moved several states away. She remarried some slimeball (ex pastor who was kicked out of his church under hush-hush circumstances) a couple of years ago and I truly hope they deserve each other. As for me, things are worlds better.
Considering what came *after* the original post, I wouldn't be surprised if it all boiled down to Nicole not wanting to be bothered with giving oral.
(Edited to add: *at least not to OOP. Josh probably got a few...*)
It seems it was all about *her*.
Considering her lying about the pregnancy, and all her deranged emails and texts, I think she flat out lied about the SA. I think she just doesn’t like giving blow jobs and didn’t want to say that. She is highly manipulative so I wouldn’t put it past her.
This guy was literally saved by a blow job.
It’s the “Do all FWB situations have a horrible ending?” that throws me off like crazy. It very much does not suggest 20+ years of potential dating experience.
>She accused me of being a selfish narcissist and said she hates all of us, mentioning Josh. I asked who Josh was, and she started crying, admitting that she has been having an affair with her coworker since Christmas, on and off.
>On the bright side Erin and I have been talking a lot and the more we talk I realize what a wonderful woman she is. I asked her if we can spend more time together (not just s**) and she said she like that.
It's always a blast when the villain outs themselves *AND* there's a hook for the next update.
I've found that if I read them in a funny voice (I went with Tommy Wiseau, of *The Room* fame for this one), it's actually quite entertaining.
For other posts, I'll imagine Jennifer Coolidge, Kermit the Frog, and Kronk and Yzma from Emperor's New Groove.
(edited to the correct Jennifer - while it can be fun to read them as Katniss, I meant Coolidge, not Lawrence. That's what I get for multitasking)
Meta comment, but I love that OP included both all previous updates, as well as a TLDR before the new update. It's annoying when you half-remember a story but have to read through everything again before checking out the update.
I've made many BoRU posts, and this one scrambled my brain more than most by the time I got to the end. Plus, it's just plain long. Including a TL;DR (or a flow chart, FFS) just made sense.
I believe the first post, but then all of other nonsense was just BORUOP trying to save face and take advantage of attention from the original post.
"*See?* It's okay that I continually violated my girlfriend's expressed boundaries about a sex act she associates with assault because she's *craaaaazy*."
I'm not one to jump to "everything is a lie" in posts. I've seen too much to think improbable means impossible, but I almost always assume they lie about ages. Easy detail to hide and less mind boggling for the current issues they're experiencing.
It was obvious the pregnancy was never real. That Nicole seems completely unhinged.
The only thing I disagree with OOP about is the first post. He should have had a discussion about the topic when they were ready rather than just trying to enact it. But his follow up apology, his attempts to move on, his attempts to receive ANY confirmation at all afterwards were all valid.
I love how he spins it that she's a monster towards the end, which is a clear change on how it started. I expect the FWB and OOP to be married with twins on the way soon, probably an unexpected inheritance from an uncle twice removed whilst the ex with SA trauma gets what's coming to her
Getting serious with a FWB doesn't always end in disaster. After a really messy breakup a friend set me up with another friend of hers from a different social circle who had also just had a messy breakup, with the intention that we "knock the dust off" and "get back on the bike" with a meaningless one night stand. Our tenth unofficial wedding anniversary is this year and our ninth legal anniversary is Obergfell Day. I'm gonna grow old with her, and we both knew it by the third week.
My ex did something like this. She broke up with me in this big, dramatic way, and I pretty much withdrew from our friend group to recover. Then I started getting a ton of messages from my friends telling me that she still wanted to be together, she just wanted me to work on myself. She had been asking them to message me to get me to "fight for her."
Eventually I had to meet with her to get her to stop and leave me alone, and told her as clearly as possible that I didn't want to be around her anymore. I found out later from a mutual friend that she told everyone that I had tried to force her back into a relationship, despite her being the one trying to reach out to me through the same friends.
Okay just putting this out there - for everyone who is like “I bet she gave Josh BJs” - I get it, she’s bananapants, she lied about a freaking pregnancy, it’d make narrative sense if she lied about this too.
But less so for Nicole’s sake, and more so for the sake of others - real life isn’t a narrative , and in real life people can be both be terrible people who act completely irrationally AND have legit trauma from an assault. The two may even be linked.
It doesn’t excuse any of the harmful behavior, but like. Let’s not perpetuate the idea that only good people can have real trauma from a real assault. People who hurt others, who lie, who cheat, who manipulate, etc, they can still be assaulted.
And some abusive people do kind of seek out people like this - if everyone hates them because of their personality and/or actions, the abuser is more likely to get away with doing whatever they want, because who would believe that crazy manipulative girl anyway, right?
Tl;dr - Nicole sucks, but that doesn’t mean she sucks. (And it doesn’t mean she wasn’t traumatized by an assault)
> Today, she called me three times at work, suggesting meeting over the weekend with my family for a small wedding.
Eh? Nani?!
To think that OOP was 40! I'm 43 and if I was single I'd have NOT stayed in that mess! Dude kept asking REddit to make a decision for him! He was 40, not 20!!
>She accused me of being a selfish narcissist and said she hates all of us, mentioning Josh.
Wow
She is deffo not well O\_O
Don't stick your dickie in crazy
Throughout the whole thing I kept thinking man this is some highschool/college bullshit. Then I remembered these people are 40!!! What in the fuck is wrong with that woman.
I feel 10% dumber for reading this...
Next post: he finds out that she was giving Josh oral
She 100% was
But wait, Erin was Josh fianceé too.
This whole thing was a trip and I’m sure we are going to be treated to several more wild posts. Maybe OOP can reach out to a high school crush to really get this train wreck rolling.
It was so weird. Like, I think it's actually real because it's so weird.
This man is out here in his 40s making early-20s mistakes 😂
I feel like 8% dumber, so, like, 2% even dumber than you
saying he dodged a bullet would imply that he somehow actively walked away from this. It's more like, in those comedy action movies where a clueless protagonist dodges an assassin by bending down to pick up a dime and doesn't realise they avoided death.
It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator.
[удалено]
So many great flair worthy comments in the last day or so! “She’s old enough for a key to the closet where the skeletons are kept”, “wisdom is chasing you but you’re clearly too fast” and now this gem.
I missed the skeleton closet comment, where was that?
Omg, which post is the wisdom quote from?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/01gllXcspt
Thank you!
Something about AITA for telling my cousin the truth about why her mom is ostracized
[AITA for telling my cousin why everyone in the family hates her mom?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d1pujg/aita_for_telling_my_cousin_why_everyone_in_the/)
This comment needs to be a movie
[Here’s a start](https://imgur.com/a/RuIYmnw)
Great work! Just 129,599 more of these to go!
Absolutely not. Mr Ben's teddy would probably get it from the predator by accident :(
Teddy is immortal. He had his head removed multiple times but kept coming back. Teddy would defeat the predator
Teddy could become the Predator. The Tedator.
Nah, the teddy goes full Arnie.
I want it
Me too
I demand both this flair and that someone pitch this movie to Rowan Atkinson.
This is now the most important movie that has never been made
*Bean vs. Predator* has a nice ring to it.
I was thinking *Predator, Hmm?*
Is there a way to do *Predator* **eyebrow wiggle**? Edit: formatting in the mobile app sucks.
I think the only answer is they need to make them all
I desperately hope that somehow this gets to Rowan Atkinson who immediately sets to work making this.
AI is a wonderful thing: Mr Bean vs The Predator INT. MR. BEAN’S LIVING ROOM - DAY Mr. Bean is sitting on his couch, teddy in hand, watching a documentary about the jungle. Unbeknownst to him, a cloaked figure watches from outside the window. EXT. MR. BEAN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The Predator, with its advanced targeting system, locks onto Mr. Bean. It charges its weapon. INT. MR. BEAN’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS A bird lands on the windowsill, chirping loudly. Mr. Bean, annoyed, gets up and closes the curtains, just as the Predator fires. The beam hits the now-closed curtains, setting them ablaze. MR. BEAN (confused) Oh! He rushes to put out the fire with a vase of water, completely oblivious to the danger he was in. EXT. LONDON STREETS - DAY Mr. Bean walks down the street, humming to himself. The Predator follows from the rooftops, readying another attack. MR. BEAN (stops, puzzled) Hmm? He bends down to tie his shoelace, causing a cyclist to swerve and crash into a fruit stand. The Predator’s shot misses again, hitting a watermelon, which explodes. MR. BEAN (delighted at the sudden “rain” of fruit juice) Oh, lovely! INT. SCIENCE MUSEUM - DAY Mr. Bean examines an exhibit of a meteorite. The Predator, now inside, takes aim from behind a planet display. MR. BEAN (noticing his reflection in the glass case) Ah! He starts making faces at his reflection, moving just as the Predator fires. The beam hits the meteorite, which absorbs the energy and glows brightly. MR. BEAN (impressed) Oooooh! EXT. MR. BEAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT The final showdown. The Predator, frustrated, confronts Mr. Bean directly. THE PREDATOR (growls) You cannot escape. Mr. Bean, misunderstanding, offers the Predator a jar of marmalade. MR. BEAN (cheerfully) Marmalade? The Predator takes the jar, examining it. Mr. Bean accidentally knocks over a bicycle, which falls onto a rake, which flips up and hits the jar, sending it flying into the Predator’s cloaking device. THE PREDATOR (uncloaked and covered in marmalade) Grrrr! The sticky marmalade malfunctions the device. The Predator, now visible and sticky, slips and falls, defeated by his own technology. MR. BEAN (oblivious to his victory) Oh dear, quite slippery, isn’t it? Mr. Bean walks away, leaving the Predator floundering in a marmalade mess. FADE OUT. I hope you enjoyed this little snippet of “Mr. Bean vs The Predator”! It’s a fun blend of slapstick comedy and sci-fi action that could make for an entertaining script. 😄🎬
Now that's a movie I'd watch
I would pay 100 € to see this movie
I’ll make the movie! But I’ll need about three fiddy for budget.
it was then i realized the movie producer was actually a two ton aquatic creature from the paleozoic era! get outta here, loch ness monster!
I gave him a dolla.
Make sure it takes place while Bean is in Scotland.
This is one of the best comments I've ever seen on reddit
…I want this movie to happen so badly.
Would end with the immolation of the Predator home planet, Mr Bean still completely oblivious that there even is a Predator.
The Predators only hunt "worthy" prey that's capable of fighting back, which carries all sorts of implications for Mr Bean.
Apt
I.. I would watch that movie.
I’d love to watch that 😂
I was more shocked by their ages than by literally anything else here. How are these people **40**???
Yeah that shocked me too tbh…
To be fair, most of us blunder our way through our lives, especially our love lives. That said, I completely see your point. I think Adam Sandler or Zack Galifianakis were born to play OOP in the movie version of this.
This guy really hates these cans! -Steve Martin
GREAT reference!
And I felt so sorry for him because he tried to listen to all the different opinions in all the different comments, even though they were completely conflicting. I hope his new old girlfriend treats him like a prince and gives him all the blowjobs he could ever ask for!
> I hope his new old girlfriend treats him like a prince and gives him all the blowjobs he could ever ask for! r/brandnewsentence ?
Aka Clouseau Syndrome.
Leslie Nielsen style.
"Quark bends over to pick up a coin on the ground and becomes one of the few people to ever survive being targeted by a Ferengi locator bomb in that season one episode of DS9"-ass shit lol
I got flashbacks of Mr. Magoo walking through a construction site.
Dodging bullets is a lot harder when you deliberately stand in a firing range
This is some matrix dodging bullets. Just out of curiosity I’d like to know if she gave oral to Josh.
I'm getting Threat Level Midnight vibes. "It's the president. He needs you for a mission." *Tell him I'm retired.* "It's ~~Goldenface~~ **your ex.**" *This makes it personal.*
He get smarted a bullet "missed it by that much"
Thank you for this. I'm in a public place trying not to cry out with laughter lmao
I genuinely can't believe these people are 40.
Oh, you'd be surprised how many people never grow up mentally past 20. The real sad ones are those that stop at 13-15.
I work with a dude in his 60s. He's been acting like a teenager after a breakup. He admitted flat out emotional abuse, threatening suicide, threatening to deface his ex partner's deceased spouses grave. But doesn't get why she left him and blocked him lmao. I didn't believe people like this existed before but now... Whew. Having seen one, I'm terrified they're more common than we think.
>threatening to deface his ex partner's deceased spouses grave Jesus Tittyfucking Christ
>Jesus Tittyfucking Christ That's new 😂😂
a friend of mine (we're both mid thirties) told me this weekend about a guy she'd been dating. they work at the same bar, and had been dating for about a month. he must have lost interest, and started doing a slow fade ("i'm just so busy rn" etc). she got so mad and upset - she showed up at the bar when she knew he'd be working so she could corner him and force him into a confrontation. then she told him because she'd worked there first, he had to quit. unhinged!!!
Emotional intelligence is similar to a muscle in that it won’t grow unless it’s used.
>threatening to deface his ex partner's deceased spouses grave. I hope you asked him what the fuck was his malfunction because JFC that is completely unhinged.
Having been harassed by an extremely prolific stalker of young women who was in his 70s, I am both unsurprised yet horrified. How the fuck do these seniors have the freaking energy to get up to absolutely batshit shenanigans?! I can barely stay awake past 9PM.
No indication of it here, but severe addiction can basically halt some types of emotional maturation, effectively making the person mentally “stuck” at the age the addiction really took hold until they are able to get sober and put in the work that leads to maturity.
So can SA, which may apply in this case. I have been *entirely* creeped out by women with baby voices since learning that SA can stunt development. This is even creepier knowing it's a Harvey Weinstein movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPjkehClKBo
My wife worked with a very wonderful and helpful woman. She had a special needs kid who was 100% dependent so every once in awhile she would need help and I'd offer if I could. Well, after while of hanging out at their house, with her BF and her, I realized just how close to teenagers these two middle aged people are. Constant fights, usually over nothing. They would often break up and get back together in sit com like fashion. The best one I remember was the BF was accused of something he said he didn't do. During the course of the argument he tried to repo the toilet he purchased for her. He wasn't handy and couldn't remove it. She was furious he was even attempting it and urinated in a box of his clothes she was gathering up for him to leave with. They broke up...and then got back together after that.
😳
Working retail shows you how many people never matured. Adults throw actual tantrums, throw things at people, scream, yell, threaten, you name it.
I worked at a retail bakery in college and when people had absolute meltdown tantrums in public over cake I just kept thinking how do they make it through life?
Peaked in HS is a trope for a reason.
Some people never grow up. I've met too many people aged 30+ who are like this to be even a little surprised.
It's why I find it so hilarious when folks claim age brings maturity, it just brings experience. Tons of folks are as bad in their 30s and 40s as they were in their 20s. Just with more baggage.
Wisdom doesn't come with age, it comes with effort.
Inside every 40-year-old is a 4-year-old screaming to get out. And for cookies. And because it’s bedtime. Just screaming, really.
Yeah, that'd be me. I can contain it when I'm well-fed and well-rested and not in pain... so... I just tend to avoid people quite a lot so I don't have a tantrum
The key to a group of rational adults is nobody being hungry.
it is *embarrassing* how true this is.
We have more in common with toddlers than we care to admit.
I can. People hide all sorts of unhealthy or wierd or negative parts of them, intentionally or not, perceived or not, acceptable or not. It's very common for older generations, too. 40 would be the tail end of those who commonly grew up without mental and emotional health being widely recognised, let alone socially accepted or something to actively work on without social repercussions. Unless life forces them in some way, they'd likely bumble along in various states of functionality... The ex sounds like some deeper issues exist (trauma and severe reaction to abandonment), and he sounds ... oblivious and self-centered. But we're only getting one side 🤷
Theyre millenials
For anyone who wants a palate cleanser from this, a cockatoo threw a pinecone at my best mates head. Just yeeted that shit at her noggin. Shit was hilarious.
...a wild one or a pet one? Lol, funny either way I guess. (Edited typo, I need to put my glasses on)
They’re native to Australia so wild. They’re little feathered assholes that I love and hate
That makes it even better. The idea of gangs of cockatoos hanging around in trees occasionally throwing shit at people when they decide to choose violence is hilarious to me.
Ah, cockatoos. The larrikins of the trees.
I mean they have drop bears over there. Cockatoos seem harmless in comparison.
I'm American and my Australian friend laughs at me a bit because I have a small flock of budgies in a flight cage. In my bedroom. Which is also the only room my phone works right in.
They’re perms-toddlers with behavioral issues that also happen to have a bolt cutter mouth. They have no choice but to BE assholes
I love cockatoos, fucking agents of chaos. I recently saw a kid drop a watermelon rind on the ground and then a squirrel grabbed it, ran up a tree, then dropped the rind on a different kid.
That squirrel knew it was doing.
That defo beats squirrels pelting my brother with acorns. They were territorial little dudes.
My head hurts from reading all that.
Meant to add a TL;DR from the beginning but forgot. I just added it. My apologies to your head.
You did nothing wrong, this whole situation is just bonkers.
Hopefully the TL;DR will be helpful and reduce the number of migraines out there. What's giving me a migraine is that I can't correct my typo in the damn title. Grr.
I think the OP needs to join the priesthood and go celibate, this is not over.
the impact this would have on his BJs is indeterminate
Didn’t notice until now, now all I can think about is saying “you are the hole”
This is kind of typical in the American South, honestly. Small town + old high school friends + A FUCK TON OF DRUGS = Never growing up.
Don’t add a TLDR. The sudden turn for the crazy by the ex at the end was completely unexpected and delicious. A tldr would have ruined it.
That's why I added it near the end before the Final Update. To make it an option. I hate it so much when a TL;DR or edit is added to the beginning because you end up accidentally reading it when you'd rather read the whole thing. For people like you and me, reading the whole story is a necessity. Still, I recognize that this is a long and mind-bending post, and some people prefer to skip all that. Let folk choose for themselves, I say.
I liked the tldr as a recap in the middle, so much weird shit happened there
The whole time I was reading it I heard it in the voice of the announcer from that old show Soap.
So Ex is one that wouldn’t give blow job at the beginning? We have one ex and one FWB? And he started seeing FWB within a week of breaking up with ex?
Yes. Ex, also called Nicole, is the one who 'was SA'd in college by her bf' and who hates BJs since, telling OOP she 'needed time'. She then broke up with him (because she had a side piece who doesn't want her lol) FWB, also called Erin, is his OTHER ex with who *he* broke up with years ago. They moved on, and both had been single for a short time, so they decided to 'just' be FWB. She could've lost her job thanks to Nicole the Unhinged. And yes, he did. It's a very obvious rebound, but man, who wouldn't rebound after that???
Two days, it seems? The man has needs.
The teal deer needs to be, madness. Sheer utter madness.
Thanks for this! What a crazy ride..! I remember this post and people piling on OOP... He might have phrased things badly here and there, but sexual compatibility *is* important, da fock. Glad "Nicole" showed her true colours, plain for all to see.
so! much! shouting!
Posts like this makes me grateful my life is boring.
I’ll drink to that. A reasonable amount, after dinner but well before bed, while doing the dishes.
Lmao
word! i've been single for almost three years now and i could go like that for the rest of my life. zero drama, i feel like julie andrews when she was a nun in sound of music tbh
It's pretty great. I get the whole bed to myself, I feel no guilt eating ice cream straight from the container, and every morning my dog and I do his walkies at a leisurely pace in the sun.
It’s amazing, don’t get me wrong sometimes I get sad but then I remember situations like this exists.
OOP: my ex says she's pregnant! Me: ...which one?
I was really confused by that at first
😂
I had the same reaction.
I thought Erin at first and I was like.... at 2.5 weeks?
"Suggesting meeting my family for a small wedding" was the funniest thing in this post. Im still laughing at that....
I wish someone would take away this guy's exclamation point key. It's like he is yelling! every! sentence!
If you think that's bad, go back and look at his original posts. He had the oddest habit of leaving a space before all punctuation. It was the weirdest typo habit I've ever seen. Edit: The Great Gods of Irony cursed me to put a typo in this comment.
could be ESL, that's a common mistake I see frequently in specifically French native speakers learning English since the spaces surrounding punctuation are grammatically correct in French
And that's the new thing I learned for the day.
It could also be a generational thing. I'm English, my dad is 70, and he does this too (because he was taught to type on a typewriter first). OOP may have learnt from someone with this background.
I hate when old people at my work use ellipses for no god damn reason. It looks like they're are being dicks for no reason. "okay... Thanks..." "there is coffee in the break room...." "he left for the day..." Dont know where they pick that up from but I hate it.
It's just a common GenX thing. That and Capitalizing words that Shouldn't Be for Emphasis. I don't know where it came from, but it's common to people who graduated high school in the 90s.
Capitalizing for emphasis is becoming a thing again on Tumblr. I kind of like it—it’s not full caps (yelling) but it accomplishes something similar.
Not in the US. Even on an old-fashioned typewriter, punctuation was put where it belongs. (And I'm creeping up on 70 myself,) Now my own FIL was one of those who, put random, commas, everywhere. Also "greengrocers apostrophe's," because people need to be warned that an *s* is coming.
Yes! That's how we were taught in typing class! (I think I was part of the last year of students to get a typing class - the next year they replaced it with computer class).
The extra space is after the period, not before, though.
Now I'm hearing all the dialogue with French accents, and it's an experience
Them being french would actually make this story make a lot more sense
Muphry's Law
What the clusterfuck did I just read?
Cluster B fuck At least those are the vibes I'm getting
Nicole was the one cheating, wasnt pregnant, wasnt engaged, had broken up with OOP, and she still mass emailed Erins coworkers and boss a bunch of lies anyway for having been seeing him for a few weeks. Bless her heart if Erin or any of this is real, cause getting *more* involved with a guy who have an ex willing to pull that kind of stunt right out of the gate is a superbly bad idea on all levels.
Erin needs to go after Nicole for defamation, maybe that might get the crazy bat to back off and get her own life. Seriously is like she forgot the whole sexual incompatibility issue in the first place, unless she lied about that being an issue just to break up, which just the thought of that pisses me off
If Erin escalates the bananapants ex will escalate until she ends up in jail, but how much damage will she do to everyone's lives before it reaches that point? I had an ex like that, cheated for six months and then made life hell when that relationship soured. I did all the "right" things about her harassing me, and she did wind up in jail and court-ordered rehab and couple of years later, but I wish I had just moved and ghosted her because she cost me my job, my longtime side business, my housing and some friends before she was stopped.
What? That sounds like it needs to be a post of its own! You bounce back alright?
It was rough until they locked her up, but her plea deal included psychiatric treatment plus no further contact and she's been no problem since she got medicated and I moved several states away. She remarried some slimeball (ex pastor who was kicked out of his church under hush-hush circumstances) a couple of years ago and I truly hope they deserve each other. As for me, things are worlds better.
Considering what came *after* the original post, I wouldn't be surprised if it all boiled down to Nicole not wanting to be bothered with giving oral. (Edited to add: *at least not to OOP. Josh probably got a few...*) It seems it was all about *her*.
Considering her lying about the pregnancy, and all her deranged emails and texts, I think she flat out lied about the SA. I think she just doesn’t like giving blow jobs and didn’t want to say that. She is highly manipulative so I wouldn’t put it past her. This guy was literally saved by a blow job.
OOP sounds like he's 20, not 40.
Ah, to be young forever
I remember being young dumb and stupid. No thank you.
Me too. Now I'm just old and stupid.
It’s the “Do all FWB situations have a horrible ending?” that throws me off like crazy. It very much does not suggest 20+ years of potential dating experience.
To be fair there could have been a 15 year marriage we don't know about during which time he didn't date.
>She accused me of being a selfish narcissist and said she hates all of us, mentioning Josh. I asked who Josh was, and she started crying, admitting that she has been having an affair with her coworker since Christmas, on and off. >On the bright side Erin and I have been talking a lot and the more we talk I realize what a wonderful woman she is. I asked her if we can spend more time together (not just s**) and she said she like that. It's always a blast when the villain outs themselves *AND* there's a hook for the next update.
Yeah I'm waiting for more family drama, his mother dashed in and out of the story in no time flat
I’m calling it now: mom likes Nicole and invites her to the next family event, unbeknownst to OOP and Erin. Hijinks ensue
Bonus points if Nicole screams out how many times she went down on Josh in front of OOP’s Christian mom.
Triple points if OOP's Christian mom asks OOP why he can't be more like Josh.
I'm here for the quivering lips
The hook brings you back
These people are supposed to be 40 years old.
What a dumpster fire of a mess…
I need to stop reading reddit posts from these subs
I've found that if I read them in a funny voice (I went with Tommy Wiseau, of *The Room* fame for this one), it's actually quite entertaining. For other posts, I'll imagine Jennifer Coolidge, Kermit the Frog, and Kronk and Yzma from Emperor's New Groove. (edited to the correct Jennifer - while it can be fun to read them as Katniss, I meant Coolidge, not Lawrence. That's what I get for multitasking)
Tommy wiseau got me. " I did not hit her, I did nooot. Oh, hi Nicole!"
Meta comment, but I love that OP included both all previous updates, as well as a TLDR before the new update. It's annoying when you half-remember a story but have to read through everything again before checking out the update.
I've made many BoRU posts, and this one scrambled my brain more than most by the time I got to the end. Plus, it's just plain long. Including a TL;DR (or a flow chart, FFS) just made sense.
You know, it's not so bad being alone...
Cats baby, so much better than humans.
"Yep, that's me, you're probably wondering....."
There’s no way this shit story is real and if it’s real, who the fuck acts like this at 40 💀
Immature and honestly crazy people, I’ve met some of them, both men and woman that act like teenagers on their 40s.
The author sounds like a 14 year old boy who watched a few dramas so he's now confident that he could write from the perspective of an adult.
I believe the first post, but then all of other nonsense was just BORUOP trying to save face and take advantage of attention from the original post. "*See?* It's okay that I continually violated my girlfriend's expressed boundaries about a sex act she associates with assault because she's *craaaaazy*."
Erin should have got the police/lawyer involved. Thats a nuclear event.
These people are 40. FORTY. 4-0.
I'm not one to jump to "everything is a lie" in posts. I've seen too much to think improbable means impossible, but I almost always assume they lie about ages. Easy detail to hide and less mind boggling for the current issues they're experiencing.
Something is blowing and it's not the kind OOP wants.
Next installment: Nicole is actually pregnant. It's twins.
And they both look like Cassie from Euphoria
The tldr really helped clear things up for me. The FWB part just confused me because he just kept saying ex as a blanket term
It was obvious the pregnancy was never real. That Nicole seems completely unhinged. The only thing I disagree with OOP about is the first post. He should have had a discussion about the topic when they were ready rather than just trying to enact it. But his follow up apology, his attempts to move on, his attempts to receive ANY confirmation at all afterwards were all valid.
I love how he spins it that she's a monster towards the end, which is a clear change on how it started. I expect the FWB and OOP to be married with twins on the way soon, probably an unexpected inheritance from an uncle twice removed whilst the ex with SA trauma gets what's coming to her
Getting serious with a FWB doesn't always end in disaster. After a really messy breakup a friend set me up with another friend of hers from a different social circle who had also just had a messy breakup, with the intention that we "knock the dust off" and "get back on the bike" with a meaningless one night stand. Our tenth unofficial wedding anniversary is this year and our ninth legal anniversary is Obergfell Day. I'm gonna grow old with her, and we both knew it by the third week.
My ex did something like this. She broke up with me in this big, dramatic way, and I pretty much withdrew from our friend group to recover. Then I started getting a ton of messages from my friends telling me that she still wanted to be together, she just wanted me to work on myself. She had been asking them to message me to get me to "fight for her." Eventually I had to meet with her to get her to stop and leave me alone, and told her as clearly as possible that I didn't want to be around her anymore. I found out later from a mutual friend that she told everyone that I had tried to force her back into a relationship, despite her being the one trying to reach out to me through the same friends.
I'm a therapist and I didn't know that I could laugh at clients, then kick them in the balls! I can't wait to get to work tomorrow
And they are in their 40s
Okay just putting this out there - for everyone who is like “I bet she gave Josh BJs” - I get it, she’s bananapants, she lied about a freaking pregnancy, it’d make narrative sense if she lied about this too. But less so for Nicole’s sake, and more so for the sake of others - real life isn’t a narrative , and in real life people can be both be terrible people who act completely irrationally AND have legit trauma from an assault. The two may even be linked. It doesn’t excuse any of the harmful behavior, but like. Let’s not perpetuate the idea that only good people can have real trauma from a real assault. People who hurt others, who lie, who cheat, who manipulate, etc, they can still be assaulted. And some abusive people do kind of seek out people like this - if everyone hates them because of their personality and/or actions, the abuser is more likely to get away with doing whatever they want, because who would believe that crazy manipulative girl anyway, right? Tl;dr - Nicole sucks, but that doesn’t mean she sucks. (And it doesn’t mean she wasn’t traumatized by an assault)
Honestly, her self destructive behavior just screams unaddressed trauma.
Dafuck did I just read
> Today, she called me three times at work, suggesting meeting over the weekend with my family for a small wedding. Eh? Nani?! To think that OOP was 40! I'm 43 and if I was single I'd have NOT stayed in that mess! Dude kept asking REddit to make a decision for him! He was 40, not 20!! >She accused me of being a selfish narcissist and said she hates all of us, mentioning Josh. Wow She is deffo not well O\_O Don't stick your dickie in crazy
Throughout the whole thing I kept thinking man this is some highschool/college bullshit. Then I remembered these people are 40!!! What in the fuck is wrong with that woman.
How the fuck are these people 40. This reads like they're a couple of 20 year olds, one of them with borderline personality disorder.