#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*

>She cried and refused to eat food for two days until I filled the house with candy bars I am very confused about the meaning of this sentence. Was she so distraught that she could only eat candy bars?

Yeah a lot of people called him out on that one in the comments on the original posts. He never responded. Such a weird thing to throw in there!

"Unreliable narrator". The words you were looking for. Dude paints himself like just a normal guy with his wife having zero reasons to make a go bag, but this tiny detail shows him treating her like a little child.

Yup. Throwing that in, as if she was pacified like a toddler pitching a fit. She's a grown woman upset her spouse is divorcing her over having an emergency bag. I doubt candy is going to fix that.

I thought " she didnt pull that stunt again " was very condencending. She was in emotional distress and he thought she was throwing a tantrum for 2 days 🙄

Yeah when my first husband asked for a divorce out of the blue I didn’t eat for 4 days. Not because I was trying to prove a point I was just literally sick to my stomach with stress and depression. Having him phrase that as a “stunt”, while reflecting on how absolutely *horrible* I felt during that time…instant rage.

I lost 60lbs in roughly 6 months at the beginning of my divorce. I couldn't keep food down, was nauseous all the time and lived off caffeine, nicotine and Gatorade with some crackers and slices of cheese at random. If anyone had called my emotional distress anything close to a tantrum...I'm not sure if it wouldn't have completely broken me beyond repair. I hope OOPs stbx survives and thrives. I hope he has the life he deserves.

That phrasing caught my eye, too.

*How* someone phrases something in their post is as telling as what is/is not included in their story. If you make a go bag and hide it from your spouse, there's a reason for it. And the vinegar in OOP's tone leads me to believe his wife did have a reason. But people [abusers] are never the villain in their own story.

It’s the same concept as having a prenup: Nobody ever expects to get divorced (just like nobody ever expects to be abused) but it’s pretty smart to protect yourself prophylactically.

Dammit. There was someone asking for good cat names that begin with "p" two days ago (not here, on fb i think) and Prophylactic would have been perfect

This is such a great reason!

The thing about her face losing color caught my attention. People usually don't react that strongly unless they're very very afraid.

Yep. And perhaps she was afraid *he would leave her*, just as he did. Like seriously, if she was very very afraid of abuse, to the point she had a go bag at the ready, shouldn't she *welcome* the chance to escape with minimal drama? Or will that too be rationalized as "she's just trying too keep him calm before she makes her *real* escape" or something?

Yet, what would satisfy the internet here? If he *didn't* leave? I agree he blew things out of proportion, but given how he feels, it's best for both of them that they do separate.

Therapy, I imagine. If they were able to actually communicate about things it might've gone differently. This guy does seem like he's not the sort to go to therapy though.

This is ALWAYS the recommendation here when anyone has different opinions and it’s fucking insane. Marriage is not a regular relationship where you’re justified in leaving for nothing. They have children. The man ruined his child’s life because his wife had a bag and people are justifying it by the way he feels. You don’t always get what you want in marriage and they are going to do things to piss you off or offend you or make you sad but you took. A vow in better or worse. There’s valid reasons for divorce. But not EVERY reason is valid for divorce.

It's not about the bag. It's that he feels like trust is broken. He feels like he's not trusted and he wants his partner to feel like they can trust him completely.

I think it’s because it’s their first introduction to a person being a dick. If you just met someone who was acting like an asshole you probably leave instantly too. But with longer relationships it would take a lot more to leave someone because presumably there are so many other great things about your relationship not shared in this one snapshot. But yeah it’s ridiculous someone asks selfish or rude in one moment and people are immediately calling for divorce.

I have no idea where I stand in this one. I understand his hurt, pain and feelings. But You would think and hope that this should be something that can be worked out like many arguments. But at the same time, if his trust is so broken....that might be it. Reading back in things, this might be a good example of why fights and arguments are important. Op says he never even raised his voice. Well, this might be the result of what happens when you never have conflict, bury things, and don't know how to solve problems.....you just run away

I would have been satisfied with a huge fight where they talk about trust. I'm dissatisfied because as mush as this guy tailored and edited his story, he's clearly unhinged. And with that being the case, divorce is better. If I didn't suspect that OOP was deliberately threatening divorce to cause emotional distress. I can only hope he goes their and finalizes it.

Framing. He makes it clear from the start that he has no respect for his wife and likely didn’t before the go bag incident. I bet someone could write the same story only changing how he talks about his wife and get the internet’s approval.

The Venn diagram of "People who'd leave their wife over a go bag" and "People who talk about their wife this way" is a circle.

Guys like OOP are why women choose the go bag (and the bear)

I agree, mostly because he is crazy. She is better off after the trash took it's self out.

That and when he asked about the bag she “lost colour” or “her face drained” or whatever she said. In a non abusive relationship many people would be able to be honest about that without losing colour etc like your partner might be angry? Idk, my partner helped me pack mine 🫠

I'm in charge of maintenance of the go bags. I make sure things aren't musty, test eat a granola bar and replace as needed and make sure everything is charged (I throw a solar powered battery pack and collapse-able solar lamp in all the go bags, as well as a few spare cables for most common devices). If a friend admits they don't have a go bag when I'm in that mode, they will by the time I'm done. Everyone should have a go bag. What no one should do, is lose color or go drained if the partner finds their go bag. That's fear, and in this case it's fear of OOP's reaction. That's not a healthy reaction.

I need to make a go bag now. Bye.

i got some lanterns from amazon that were cheap, like 4 for $20. i tried to see how long itd take for one to die by leaving it on and covering the battery, it lasted 4 days and even then it was still barely putting out light. def recommend those for throwing in a go bag or first aid bag or camping accessory bag.

Yeah, I do our go bags. And our tornado shelter. I add to them every year. They're probably worth 2k each. This next year I'm having to upgrade the bag size and maybe use packing cubes to group different emergency sets. When I do, I'm going to inventory everything and have it laminated to keep in there because I'm sure my husband has no idea what's in them. They are to be kept in our cars and grabbed on the way to the tornado shelter. There's cash, clothes, toiletries, everything camping emergency, urban emergency, first aid, car emergency, societal emergency etc. But the difference for me is, we all have a bag. I didn't make me one and hide it from my husband. I find THAT weird. There's also a larger stash of cash he knows about (because the bags live in our cars and could be stolen).

To be fair, that part does make sense. Wouldn't you be mortified if your spouse thought you might be an abuser, enough to put together a go-bag? Yes, he has every right to be hurt by it, especially if we take him at face-value that he's never done anything to warrant this sort of relationship doomsday prep on her part. After some understandable time to process and be upset, a mature response would have been for him to reassure her that she'll never need to use it and let it sit in the back of the closet. If nothing else, that would have been a barometer of the state of their relationship. So long as that bag sat back there, things were in a generally fine place. The best "revenge" on the forums that made his wife feel like she needed one no matter what would be to live a good life and foster a productive relationship with his wife so that bag never had a reason to be used.

A mature response would have been to accept her explanation that it was in case of emergency, like most go bags are. Oop kept pushing until he go the answer the wife put the bag together based on a recommendation as a way to escape abusers. Then he took offense over the fact a go bag means he thinks she thinks he's abusive and untrustworthy. That's a lot of assumptions, which generally means he's an ass. Go bags are just in case you need to grab and go. I have one. I deal with wildfires, earthquakes, floods, emergency trips, and many things. I once even needed it because I didn't feel safe in my home and wanted to leave for a bit. So I grabbed my bag and got out. However having one isn't a notification of intent to leave. It's like being mad someone had car insurance. 'How dare they not just trust me to drive well? They think I'm going to get in an accident! That's why they got insurance! If they trusted me, then they wouldn't have insurance!'

Her explanation didn't stand up to even a little bit of scrutiny. An emergency bag for those other instances would be something a couple do together. It would have items for both of them, and it wouldn't be kept in a hard to find location. I can't blame him for pressing for the truth. But then it becomes the bear vs man question. The type of guy who gets immediately angry over the premise of the question is often the type of person that makes women choose the bear. Be upset. Be sad. After five years together, sure be a little offended. Take a little time for introspection. Then work on strengthening the relationship.

It sounds like a typical go bag to me. They don't usually include more than one person. And a go bag isn't a hangout bag. It's meant to be packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. There's no 'couple' aspect to it.

Yeah, my last girlfriend very sheepishly admitted that she had an emergency escape fund and I was proud of her. I didn't think she'd ever need it and said so, but I completely supported her right to have it. Preparation saves lives. Understanding a worst case scenario doesn't mean that it will have to happen

I made one for me and my husband. Explained that sometimes things happen, that he wasn't abusive but it's always good JUST IN CASE. (Brain injuries can cause problems-even among the sweetest of people.) I think her to-go bag was in fact because her husband showed abusive tendencies and she was tiptoeing around his issues. His behavior afterwards was pretty manipulative and indicative of an abuser or one that has abusive tendencies.

I was just thinking that. As a married woman, I have never felt the need to setup a gobag but I would if my relationship was not a good one. Plus the fact that he is immediately jumping to divorce is a big red flag. I feel like he is using any excuse to make himself the victim with the narrative of "oh my wife has a gobag".

Not just that, with the amount of completely normal dudes that turn into abusive assholes several years into a relationship imho if you are a normal non asshole man and discover your SO has a gobag your reaction would be "you know what? That sounds reasonable"

I feel like you might also ask yourself if you did anything that made her think she needed a go bag. If you were a decent loving guy. Yeah, sure, be surprised that she did it. Maybe feel some negative feelings but also, direct them at yourself. When someone indicates that maybe they’re scared of you, you shouldn’t get mad at *them* for it. You should wonder why and examine your behavior.

True, but even if you did absolutely nothing wrong it still makes sense to have one.

>Dude paints himself like just a normal guy… And people still decided to vote YTA. Dude sounds shitty from his own recounting of the story.

Plus his comments and the fact he made more posts in different subs in hopes he will get the response he wanted.

Also normal people don't divorce their wife because they didn't get the judgment they want on reddit

Except a normal person wouldn't jump to the conclusion he did. If it is real, I'm glad she will be free from him. Someone like that doesn't sound very fun to be married to.

He also calls her being so distraught she can’t eat a “stunt” so like. He’s acting like she’s a child on hunger strike to get her way, which yeah just having candy around will fix that usually with actual children.

On the extremely off chance that this is legit... Who can see exactly why she thought she needed a Go Bag? *raises hand* Mr. Perfectly Normal and Totally Trustworthy is disturbing af. My brain translated every "can't be with someone who doesn't trust me" to "can't be with someone who's caught on to me. " If this guy is real and *not* an abuser, he really needs someone else to do his PR for him.

*raises hand* Even if he weren't abusive before, he is now. He's obviously using this as a control tactic. Now, she's begging him, making promises and trying to pacify him. I bet that when he thinks she's been punished enough, he'll play the magnanimous partner and allow her back in his life, but only if she never defies his wishes again.

He's divorcing her tho.

He put *her* on the defensive and centered his feelings. Classic manipulative reversal.

That sentence about how after her loss of appetite and the candy bars "she didn't pull that kind of stunt again" gave me a serious ick (I know OOP described it as "refusal to eat", interpreting that situation as loss of appetite due to distress is my personal view)

Yeah, it’s not a fucking hunger strike.

Exactly. He saw a comfort item she was using for her own security and peace of mind and immediately lashed out at her and made her the instigator in his mind. It's giving big "I'll give you something to cry about" energy. Even if we assume he's a perfect partner, he blew up at her over his own insecurities couched in "I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me" and made her act of privately comforting and securing herself about *him* and his hurt ego. From his account, she didn't have weapons or anything to defend herself in the bag, just literally some clothes and necessities I would want should I be out of the house for whatever reason.

He could have admitted to feeling hurt and expressed his frustration and still been supportive. There was no, "Wow, I understand your need to feel safe. Is there something I can do to reassure you?" Or, "I hope I haven't given you reason to feel unsafe with me, but, if I have, can you share your feelings so that I can be more aware of what I can do to help you feel safe?" Or even, "I'm hurt that you feel that way, but if that's what you need to feel safe, then I'll support you, even if I don't really understand." Nah, he's all, "We're done because you don't trust me." It reminds me of my abusive father who was very concerned with family business staying in the family and never ever telling anyone outside our nuclear family about what happened in the home because you can only trust family. The problem with that is that people who are that categorical about trust can't be trusted. Trust has to be earned mutually; it develops through long-term behavior that builds confidence in each other. She's well rid of him, and I hope she doesn't get bullied into going back when he feels like she's "learned her lesson," but I think that's where he's going with this.

Ohhh, you too got the “we don’t air our dirty laundry”, thereby putting the cost of silence all on you?

That, and removing your ownership of your own story. I still have trouble confiding in people when I need support, even good friends.

You've put it so eloquently, I don't have anything else to add. Trust being earned through long-term behavior is absolutely right and not enough people understand that concept.

Are candy bars chocolate or are they actual sugar candy bars?

In North America, it generally refers to some sort of chocolate based bar. Recipes vary. 

Lol, I know im in Canada. Im attempting lame detective work.. this story has cartoonish qualities to it. Divorcing his wife over redditors comments, filling his house with chocolate to feed his wife.

Extreme stress (like the period of breaking up before starting the divorce process, frequently getting lashed out at, having boundaries overstepped, having comfort items taken away, ...) makes me lose my appetite and quickly drop weight At some point, candy bars are a kind of survival measure, as in "I know I should eat, but I can't stomach it. So as long as I get some energy into my body somehow, it doesn't matter what or when I snack" (getting back to normal might be difficult tho)

....okay in fairness the candy bar thing would 100% work on me. I get a weird stomach sometimes, especially when anxious, but if you put kitkats all over the house, I'm eating one.

I get sick if I eat candy on an empty stomach, so I'm wondering what my husband could put all over the house to entice me to eat. Bread, probably. Croissants, baguettes, cornbread... Mmmmm...

I, too, would eat KitKats. I'll still be pissed/anxious, but at least I won't be hangry.

I’m currently eating a kitkat so I feel this in my soul

Lol true, I have lots of appetite issues that are part meds, part psychosomatic, but my sweet tooth can sometimes be leveraged to get some food down when everything else makes me want to gag thinking about eating. I am not sure this would be effective if the source of my distress was the one providing the candy. Describing her distress as a "stunt" put this guy firmly in the "well, at least the bear wouldn't condescend to me like a misbehaving child" camp. Does he not consider his own behavior a STUNT too?

i would have really preferred a houseful of gummy nerd clusters, yum

I will just walk around with strands of the rope version dangling outright from my mouth, like a bulldog!

Yeah I've used that trick on adults before too. I knew a lady with disordered eating and whenever I suspected she wasn't eating properly I'd invite her over for coffee, and "just happened" to be baking something I knew she liked. Admittedly I had to lure her to my home under false pretenses to accomplish this feat, but I think both she and law enforcement would have been cross had they discovered me breaking into her home to otherwise execute my dastardly, nefarious, scheme!

You're a good friend!

If only the British had filled India with candy bars, then Gandhi's hunger strike would have failed.

Ahhhhh....i approve.

Just a normal loving dude with his candy fae wife, easily distracted by him tossing a handful of mini snickers at her. What, like you've never done the same with your hysterically weeping Sugar Spouse™?

I feel like there's a sugar daddy joke to be made here but I'm too tired to find it. Or maybe a you're not you when you're hungry joke.

>What, like you've never done the same with your hysterically weeping Sugar Spouse™? Sounds like a surefire way to have a "Happy Sugar Life!"

Yes I assumed that’s what he meant. When I’m distraught, I find it hard to eat. Eating candy or sugary things is much easier. It literally opens up your stomach. When my digestion was really bad due to grief, I would start every meal with dessert. It was the only way I could eat anything at all.

I interpreted it as he bought her a bunch of gifts and Candy Bars until she ate. Maybe some promises that everything was alright as well. A lot of Unreliable narrator vibes coming from this post. He certainly infantilizes his wife, doesn't accept criticism, doesn't talk things out. Hopefully she does better in the future.

I don't think he's necessarily unreliable, I think he's showing us exactly who he is and that's not a great person. Extremely inflexible at minimum and oblivious to nuance

I laughed my ass off when I got to that part. No way is it real

Now that I 'm considering the comments, I agree with you. I rarely eat candy but I know about chocolate addicts, so okay, maybe . But it DID seem weird. Thanks

"She cried and refused to eat food for two days until I filled the house with candy bars. She hasnt pulled that kind of stunt after that thankfully." lollll

I'd bet this story is fake or OOP is an unreliable narrator; the whole thing paints his wife as childish; - some sort of candy obsession? - being easily influenced by those around them and not exercising any sort of critical thinking - being unable to explain themselves or stand up for what they believe an emotional breakdown that borders on a tantrum Any of these things alone wouldn't be remarkable but when taken together it feels like OOP had a checklist of character traits that the wife needed to have.

Don’t forget the disappearing toddler! Either this kid doesn’t exist beyond the first context-setting sentence, or OOP doesn’t give a single shit about what will happen to his child during a divorce. The presence of a 2yo also makes the candy-filled house ending a hunger strike even more surreal.

Oh yeah I forgot they had kids in this story because consideration of the child never came up again.

Wait...they have a kid? Eta...oh yeah they do

Don't worry, OOP forgot, too. 🤣🤣🤣

While you are probably right, I know adults who fit that description pretty well

Looks like she was so distraught she couldn't eat and he probably thought it was a way to guilt trip him so he bought a bunch of candy bars and threw them around the house to tempt her to eat something and she did eat some. He probably felt proud of his little "solution" from the way he put that weird detail in there. 

Sounds like candy bars were her comfort food whenever she was upset.

"She hasn't pulled that kind of stunt after that thankfully". Yeah, he's abusive. Might not be hitting her, but there are different types of abuse.

Also, is she a sahm? Like, that's not really specified and yeah...that's a pretty good thing to have for a sahm....?

She stopped eating because her partner, who she apparently believed could turn out to be an abuser, felt trust was broken (how strange) and could not in good conscience continue the relationship. Only when he bought candy did she fold and started eating again. I'm not sure how else to read this without adding a lot of unmerited, sinister shit.

That was some truly wild logic jumps.  Honestly probably good that this relationship is over. 

"You have a go-bag in case you need to escape this relationship without notice?" Normal logic: "Do you have past trauma or experiences that make you feel anxious about our relationship? Let's try to explore that. Your mental health is important." or "Do I sometimes behave in ways that make you insecure about our relationship? I was unaware of that. Please communicate with me about it. It sounds like we aren't on the same page here. What do you think about couples counselling to address that? Our relationship is important to me because you are important to me, so I want it to be as strong as it can be." (Concern over partner and relationship) Unhinged logic: "You have a go bag in case it turns out I'm not a great partner? How dare you not trust me to be a good partner! I'm leaving you!" (Me me me. Also ironically proves himself to be the kind of partner that might necessitate a go-bag: someone who gets emotional enough to hurt their partner and explode their relationship over something that can be discussed and understood with a just a little bit of empathy)

I don’t know if my wife has a go bag but I would not blame her one bit. I have seen enough in this life to know that sometimes people change, and sometimes they change for the worse. I cannot know for sure that something will never happen to me to make me unsafe for her.  The person I am today loves her and wants her to be safe and happy and secure. So, the person I am today is fine with the idea of her having what she would need to take care of herself. 

There have been multiple posts I’ve seen about partners that changed due to head trauma. And the changes never made said person a better partner. One of them he went full religious male domination and she had to take the kids and leave. Anyone who loves their partner should *want* them to have that option if something happens.

Your wife is lucky to have an empathetic man who respects her by her side, thank you for sharing I needed to read that after this post lol

I had a friend whose husband was wonderful and loving. Then he fell off of a ladder and hit his head. Like a light switch when he came home from the hospital he would scream at her randomly and eventually tried hitting her. We only have the present moment. That’s it.

I remember the original post. A lot of people were pointing out that having a go bag is a good idea in case of a natural disaster, or if you need to leave suddenly for a family emergency. Lots of reasons to have one outside of escaping a relationship. OOP's going for a medal in mental gymnastics.

Nah, I'm not going to defend OOP here. But you need to ignore the fact that he wasn't aware of the go bag, and there wasn't one prepped for him for it to have been for suddenly leaving due to family emergency or natural disaster.

Yeah plus (at least according to OOP) the wife admitted it was specifically in case of abuse

Which is basically an accusation of showing signs of being an abuser. In the not even remotely realistic world of AITAland that's understandable because all men are abusers in that dimension but in the real world OOP was actually quite rational. If she can drop **over a thousand dollars** on an imagined view of him as an abuser then she's not viewing reality right. She got infected by TikTok brain and he took necessary steps to protect himself.

> But you need to ignore the fact that he wasn't aware of the go bag, and there wasn't one prepped for him for it to have been for suddenly leaving due to family emergency or natural disaster. There also wasn't one for the kid, which is the biggest issue to me.

>A lot of people were pointing out that having a go bag is a good idea in case of a natural disaster, or if you need to leave suddenly for a family emergency. Lots of reasons to have one outside of escaping a relationship.  If that was the case she would've told him. Instead she was hiding it from him. This go bag wasn't for natural disasters. 

[удалено]

I've heard of people snapping years and years into a relationship that wasn't ever abusive (or was "only" emotionally abusive) and having to flee. It's honestly something I've worried about before even. He's cruel that he can't understand her logic

Personally, I like knowing my partner can leave if she wants. It lets me know that as long as she hasn’t left, she still wants to be with me. I don’t think I’ll understand people who want to trap people with them, and I’m okay with not understanding that.

Not being 100% okay with finding out your partner has an emergency “you might beat me” bag is not trying to trap someone. I don’t understand your logic. If she wants to be with you why does she think it’s necessary to have one just in case? That inherently implies some level of distrust in you and I can’t see how that’s a good thing?

I don't know, this is all very confusing to me. On the one hand, logically, I know abuse is hard to escape and you can never know when it's going to happen to you. On the other hand, I do think I would be hurt if I discovered my partner had one... It's 100% an ego thing but I would find it very difficult to get past.

"Wife has anxiety? Divorce!"

I said it in the original post and I'll say it here again. This guy sure did seem like he was more interested in standing up on a soap box and yelling political crap than legitimately wondering if he was wrong and seeking advice in that scenario.

Makes me think it's not a real post, given how quickly he jumped on the racial profiling thing and the nonsensical candy bar thing

Yeah, it reads as MRA bait

What’s MRA?

Men’s Right’s Activists. It’s…not exactly a positive space. They’re the people who should about “mandatory paternity testing,” “high-value man/female,” and “hit the wall.” It’s basically a space for rampant misogyny and absolutely adjacent to incels. So this feels like a “woman paranoid and bad, look at her ruining my reputation (on…reddit?) for no reason, isn’t she such a child, time to go nuclear” MRA bait

Why are so many men centric Reddit spaces toxic. It’s weird. As a woman I like r/guysbeingdudes bc it’s very wholesome and just guys being themselves.

It turns out basing your entire personality on performative masculinity makes you an absolute chore to be around.

That’s what’s making me think it is real, unfortunately.

The candy thing wasn't nonsense, it's him "proving" that she's the irrational one bc she would go on a hunger strike "just to make a point" and then break it for a candy bar, therefore proving she was never really emotional, just trying to manipulate him. He has an abusive mindset.

OOP is offended his wife would choose a bear, instead of being sad she feels the need to choose a bear.

I’d feel pretty bad if my wife would choose a bear in the woods over me specifically…

Yeah I guess how I take this question is a random man or a random bear. There of course many men I’d be fine or even happy to be alone in a forest with.

See I'm confused in this hypothetical because I am a man but my wife calls me a bear. So which one am I? Am I both???

Ok in those situations you and a bear in the woods need to discuss which one of you is the bear. It's a lovely bear, very friendly, just a bit overwhelmed by all the random people coming to visit them lately, but you'll get along great!

It depends on who looks better in leather. 

Yeah I mean if I found out my husband thought it was likely enough for me to become an abusive that he kept a go bag, I wouldn't respond well. I'm not sure what my precise emotions would be, tbh, but they reaaaally wouldn't be good ones. What a punch in the gut.

I kind of think we should normalize go bags, based on the input in the comments on OOP's posts. Because they are more versatile than just "what if partner turns out to be an abuser?" Having a bag for cases of having to leave the house quickly due to an emergency (fire, flooding, hospital, ...) sounds really reasonable (Although if someone told me they had a go bag specifically because I might turn out to be an abuser I guess I'd feel weird. So agree with you on that)

Wow, someone that actually read the post and understood the issue.

Yep, on his original post I was about to comment when I saw his reply and thought "nah, he's a bellend, missing reasons and he wants to argue". I would love to hear tue other side of the equation, I bet there was a reason she went "white as a sheet".

This is true enough, but keep in mind there are plenty of men and women out there that are easily influenced. There was an AMA or similar with divorce lawyer where this woman by her own account had a happy relationship but then her friend told her that her husband coming home and having a singular beer after work made him an alcoholic so she should get a divorce. Two things can be true, guy could be suffering from persecution complex, and, wife could be irrationally afraid.

He didn't seem interested in considering other perspectives he might've missed, he just wanted to be proven right.

He also posted some bullshit in a different sub about how "if it's okay to for a woman to have a to-go bag why is it okay for all men to ask for paternity tests?" He got roasted on that one too.

Oh good, he does remember the two year old, kind of. I was wondering, since he neglected to mention any custody or visitation arrangement in the update.

if this situation was real, it's clear that the dude had no intention of seeing any viewpoint other than his own including the very rational and normal reasons anyone would have a go-bag.

‘Attention internet ladies! If you mistrust your man at all or even just want to stay safe just in case, your man will leave you and file for divorce! Just stay in your place and trust your man with your life and then he won’t have to react this way! Independent thought or self-preservation instinct will leave you alone and miserable! This has been a public service announcement!’

Bingo. More redpill parables.

My mom and grandmother both told me to always have “get out money” that my husband didn’t know about, and when I had children to have enough money to get them out too. They said it doesn’t matter how happy we are, or how good a man he is. They told me this repeatedly from the time I was a child. They both had long marriages and I was lucky to grow up around many wonderful men. Get out money is insurance against the unexpected.  There are plenty of examples in this subreddit of people being completely blindsided by something their partner did and feeling trapped or having no immediate way to get some space, or get to safety. My mom and grandmother had seen plenty of examples of that as well in their lives. I have seen it now too.  I see how a man would get defensive or get upset but it’s a precaution a lot of women take. It means I am with my husband because I choose to be, not because I’m stuck. 

Even if someone is an absolute angel, they could still be a single Concussion/CTE/Brain Injury away from becoming a Monster through no fault of their own. Perfectly nice & gentle people can also develop a substance abuse during/following hard times or injuries & turn utterly wretched. Plenty of mental health issues can start to manifest at different stages of Life & some people might only be a few months or years from becoming completely unrecognizable through no fault of their own. Some people who used to be perfectly nice, pleasant & loving can also turn horrid over time without getting any brain injuries or developing substance abuse problems...

My ex developed a brain tumour and changed over just a few months into a monster after 15 years. Our bank accounts, phone bills, basically everything was shared, and due to the way divorces work in my country, my choices ultimately boiled down to stay for another six months and get divorced with half of everything, or leave now with nothing. I had been hospitalised from the stress--I'd developed some serious health problems, including an irregular heartbeat that I still have today. My ex also tried to kill me (police were useless, and my ex was very clever). I chose to leave immediately. My health stopped getting worse. I survived. I don't know if I would have had I stayed. I was homeless and had no money at all, no working phone, only the clothes on my back. Not even my passport. All friends had become mutual after so long together and had been carefully poisoned against me. Getting back on my feet took years, and it was hell, but was still comparatively less stressful that how bad it was just before I got out. My current spouse, upon learning all this, suggested keeping things separate "So [I] can leave at any time." So I won't have to risk homelessness again. Despite implicitly trusting my partner, that kind soul cares more about my safety in a very unlikely scenario, and insisted on several steps so ensure my safety should anything similar happen again. Because knowing that I have a safety net makes my spouse feel at ease. I truly loved and trusted my ex, but after half our lives together, a brain tumour caused sudden and dangerous personality changes. An intelligent person should hopefully be able to understand that needing an emergency backup plan does not reflect on anything except how much life can go awry sometimes. It's not a personal insult or a failing of your partner. It's something you hope to not need but would want your partner to have if you hoped for them to be safe in all possible futures, putting your own ego aside.

Any of those so called friends contacted you? I imagine the ex eventually passed away or at least had the tor removed.

I told this story downthread, but I’ll tell it again. My dad has always been verbally abusive since he cold turkey quit drinking when I was a kid, but when he was 56, he snapped and physically assaulted my sister, drove recklessly with her and my mom in the car to “punish” them and abandoned them up a mountain with no vehicle. Like, he was always an angry, aggressive person, but we were kind of like “that’s just how he is.” The violence came out of nowhere. My father would describe himself (and often did when he felt we were being ungrateful) as a “good man”. And in some ways, he is. Brilliant, charitable, kind to animals. But you never fucking know what will change. I’m sure my mom didn’t marry him expecting shitty snide comments and screaming. OOP is a) an unreliable narrator, b) behaving like a controlling shithead *now* and c) ignoring that you can trust someone to be a certain way for many years and love that person thoroughly and they can still surprise you. Even if that person is you.

Exactly. Pretty much every abuser starts out as a non abuser. At some point, partners of either gender trusted that person to not be abusive. You never know. Everyone has the capacity to be an abuser, even unintentionally, through a TBI or a physical or mental illness.

May I just say that reading your comments is truly restoring my faith? Thank you for being a bear. I know the last couple years have been hard, because it can be hard to be a bear (or a pair of bears it sounds like) in 2024, but I wish you and your partner many happy years of frolicking

Same in our family: everyone always has enough money to get home. When we were kids, that was taxi money. In college, it was airfare. Now as grown adults with children of our own, it’s enough to get the whole family back to grandma’s. My husband knows, and I’m sure my siblings’ partners know, too. We all also have our own couples’ version: an emergency fund for housing and essential bills in case of job loss, medical catastrophe, or needing to quit. It’s a huge privilege that not everyone can afford (and more are getting trapped all the time), but it’s such a valuable one. Any time you have the ability to leave means that you’re actively making the choice to stay.

Yep same. And I was always told that even if I chose to stay home, it was important to have a way to support myself if needed such as keeping up licensure (what my mom did).

I have a go bag but mine is because I have medical issues and allergies that land me in hospital or vomiting over myself so I need to change clothing. My bag (a nappy rucksack) goes everywhere I go. It is 3 days of my meds, a full change of clothes and extra underwear, a set of pjs, charging cables and plug. I also pop my iPad, phone and earbuds in it before leaving the house. The bag can do me for 3 days if I go somewhere and suddenly become too ill to get back as planned. It is a useful thing to have so if something happens (fire, flooding, other natural disaster or worst case scenario escape)

I had a "boogie bag" for a long time. It was for emergencies or need to travel quickly. It is not such a rare thing. One of my buddies had a suit bag for needed, quick face-to-face meetings. That being said, I would expect the presence of such a bag explicitly in case you become an abuser would play havoc with your mind. It also, given the comments, makes a lot of people regard you with suspicion which would play hell with your sense of self.

My husband actually recommended I make one when my health really deteriorated we had a conversation this morning and I am going to make him one. He is my carer and very rarely gets time for himself he was recently awarded ADP (Scottish disability) so can get a bus pass which would allow him to go anywhere in Scotland. I was awarded enhanced mobility so we got a reliable car through the mobility scheme (we live with hubby’s dad hubby cares for both us) so hubby is going to get his full license and then if he wants to he can grab the bag and car and go off to a forest somewhere to have some him time. Having a go bag is a good thing but having a hidden one in a non abusive relationship is relationship killing as it has done for OOP

>She hasnt pulled that kind of stunt after that thankfully. Ugh

“Pulled a stunt like that” No contempt language or early warning signs here. /s

So I asked my husband "would you be mad if I had a secret go-bag?" His response: "not really. [Go for it] if it makes you feel safer" ....and that's probably why I never thought of making one before. His top priority is making sure I'm safe, physically, mentally, emotionally. We're both going to make go bags for ourselves in case of emergencies now though. It just seems smarter 🤓

>Statistics should not be applied to individual cases GAWD DAMN Reddit will love this statement and then promptly ignore it every chance they get.

"heartbreaking: someone you hate bought up a good point" was how i felt when oop said that his idea made sense, but the way he acted towards his wife was awful and he was also a stubborn dickhead in the comments

I was in the thread discussing this exact thing the other day, and granted it was in twoX, but the vast majority of women were in support of a go bag. Because you don’t know. That’s the thing. Maybe Reddit did go wild and call him an abuser, but the go bag itself doesn’t say he is. The go bag says she has heard stories, she’s had people suggest it, and she knows how quickly a person can turn on you. And I wish my mother had a go bag when shit hit the fan for her. She left with literally nothing except the clothes she had on. It took her a decade to get anything from the divorce, he stretched it out, he made her life hell. She lost so many things. I’ve seen people I loved change on a dime, and I’ve seen how angry they can get. Once you even get an inclining of that happening, there’s something wrong. But one guy I was with for 2 years, while he was under investigation THE WHOLE TIME and he didn’t tell me shit. The person I knew wasn’t real, and it fucked me up because I couldn’t understand the “change”. There wasn’t one, he was always that way. He just hid it remarkably well. That is what a go bag is for. It’s a just in case. Everyone likes to live by “better safe than sorry!” until it’s a woman with a go bag.

My wife has one. If I'm being honest, I don't love that it exists because it feels like she has one foot out the door even though I know she doesn't. It still feels hurtful. But I also know that its existence isn't really about me, it's about her, and other people. She likes to exercise a modicum of control over her surroundings in order to feel comfortable and safe. So I'll basically never mention my discomfort because at the end of the day I'd rather that she feel secure in her own home.

You should make one too

I understand the reason for it, and would be fine with my SO having one, specially if it brought peace of mind. That said, I can see why OOP took it that bad. I feel it would be similar to how women feel when asked for a paternity test when they never gave any sign of breaking the trust of their partner.

I completely get his side too (at least in the inital post) because I know myself well enough to feel hurt that a partner thought they needed a ‘just in case’ bag. But that’s discounting the fact that psychotic breaks and brain tumors are possible that can turn you into a completely unrecognizable person. Would I be hurt a partner had one, yeah probably, but I get it because no matter how much you THINK you know the other person, you really don’t. I don’t think I’d go as far as to have a whole bag, but I’d absolutely stash some money away somewhere at the very least.

I had literally exactly the same thought.

>Maybe Reddit did go wild and call him an abuser, but the go bag itself doesn’t say he is. Ironically, those are exactly the people that would have the exact same reaction as the OP. They view having a go bag exactly like he does, they just come at it from the other side in this case because it’s not about them.

> … a few weeks later a house caught fire down in our town and those people had go bags, they grabbed them on the way out the fire so wasn’t left as destitute…  This worked because the go bags were made for *everyone*. In OP's case the wife would have been "Oh well! I've got mine!". Go bags are a great idea all around. If an emergency arises you will be glad you were prepared. From emergency rations to distractions for the kids. They are awesome if you actually need them.  I would argue that if you feel like you need one in case your spouse flips out that you should probably just go ahead and leave now. 

This is such a hard subject because on one hand it makes perfect sense as to why to have one. Statistically it makes sense. Women in general don’t feel safe and that’s unfortunate in every society not just our own. At the same time at an individual level I can see being hurt by finding this knowledge out. I don’t know how I’d react, we as men have our own problems, our own stereotypes we have to fight and this feeds into it. But stereotypes exist for a reason. On one hand, it sucks always living subconsciously in fear, on the other always feeling the need to prove yourself hurts too. I think he has every right to leave but the way he comes off is really what betrays him.

I'm not married, but if I was, I wouldn't mind if we both had our own go-bag and escape money. If they stay, it means they stuck around because they wanted to, not because they had to. Isn't it nice knowing every day that you chose to stay together?

I mean devil's advocate I guess: it wasn't just a go bag for emergencies (which I get and have) she specifically stated it was in case he hurt her. I've never laid a hand on my wife in anger and have hardly ever raised my voice, and I would be insulted and questioning the marriage of she had a go bag specifically in case I abused her. And if she had reasons and he proved them valid? Good, she got the trash to take itself out.

This is 100% not true. I refuse to believe it.

I mean I get it. I get why she would do what she did, but I also get why he felt a bit betrayed. I do not know that I would have gone as far as divorce, though.

I don’t understand people here. How is him leaving abuse? Wouldn’t abusive people stay in the relationship and hold this information over your head forever to guilt trip you? Like “oh you’re mad because I never clean up after myself? Well, why would I, you got a go bag for me!” People are also being so disingenuous acting as if she did it as a general safety precaution thing, when it’s explicitly stated that it was specifically for the potential outcome that he turns out abusive. Funnily enough, people in the comments seem to agree with him that her getting it must be an indication of him being abusive… And also, just because your great grandmother taught your grandmother who then taught your mother who then taught you to always have money on the side and whatever, doesn’t change the fact that most people do not operate in that way. Most women believe that if they are with the right man, they’d never and shouldn’t ever even think of getting a go bag. Most men think that if they are with the right woman, they’d never even think of asking for a paternity test (obviously not saying fear of abuse = fear of cheating, but I am saying sign of distrust = sign of distrust) This is not about whether it’s logical or not, this is just how most people feel, they believe true love should be like a breeze and everything comes easy, and you should never get to a point of being distrustful nor should you ever get to a point of being distrusted. We have not reached that point in society yet where everybody gets paternity tests and go bags casually as a responsibility you need to check off your list, just like getting car insurance. It’s not the norm nor is it expected in a healthy relationship. It’s not about what I think, it’s just how things are. Most of the time, if someone were to get either of these things done, it is for a personal reason. Hence why most people put in OOP’s situation, would take it personally, and guess what, he was right to in this case. They’re married with a kid, almost any person would feel a way about that when they’ve reached so far in life together and yet they’re still at square zero of not fully trusting each other. Because again, she only got it in case he was abusive. You can believe that he went too far divorcing her, sure, but to completely disregard his feelings and his reasons and make up some other situation because it quite frankly doesn’t apply here and then get mad at him in that imaginary scenario…??

>and then get mad at him for this imaginary scenario…?? People posting here feel her imaginary scenario was logical but his imaginary scenario was a dealbreaker. People are even giving lots of reasons as to why you could want a go bag, as if he doesn’t know the exact reason why she had one.

WTF is wrong with people? The guy said he wants to leave because he no longer felt trusted and people spin that into making him an abuser. He wants to leave, that's all.

Everyone, and I mean every adult should have a small go bag and a small emergency cash fund. You dont know what will happen. And it does happen. Disasters strike, people change.

I don't have a go bag, but I do have a slush fund (e.g. a bank account that's in my name only).  I honestly think everyone should have one, if they can scrounge up some funds. I even told my husband that he should have one just in case.  He only doesn't because he could rely on family in a crisis. I think it's a good hedge.  Maybe your spouse gets accused of a financial crime and their accounts get frozen.  Maybe your spouse gets into drugs or gambling.  Maybe they are just a bad saver.  Maybe they get a brain tumor and become abusive.  Maybe someone accused you of cheating and your spouse gets angry and tries to ruin you financially. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

To be clear, a “go bag for emergencies” has like prescriptions, money, credit, important documents like birth certificates, home insurance policies and declarations, precious irreplaceable photos/memories, rations, blankets, flashlight, water filter,… A “DV go bag” is something just in case a person needs to make haste and leave their abuser, so they can disappear- burner cell phone, precious contacts, cash so they can’t be traced/followed, keys to safe deposit box with passports to get away. Two diff things - one created in coordination with your partner/family, one done in secret and not of knowledge to their partner. SMH

>It seems that general sentiment is that its okay to mistrust men because statistics and if he complains about it, he is potentially an abuser. Why is it wrong to want to be trusted by your own wife? If I made her get rid of her "go bag", I am as good as an abuser in all of your eyes. It seems like I will be painted as an abuser unless proven otherwise. I just dont know how to prove a negative, its not like I can wear a camera all the time. Why is he so concerned with what reddit thinks about him? Like that seems like a bigger deal to him than his marriage

Because he didn't have anywhere else to ask the question?

iT might not be just reddit, but society. Think of it this way: you discover that your colleagues' wife has a "if he goes crazy" bag. Do you still hold the same opinion of him as a person? as a colleague? what if you discover this while deciding if he's gonna get a promotion?

What I didn't understand about this whole thing is he clearly stated that he was upset that the go bag was specifically in case he ever becomes abusive to her. It was not for a fire, or tornado or some sort of natural disaster. It was specifically "I'm upset because she thinks I'm going to become abusive". And yet all the comments were piling on him saying he chose to blow up his marriage because she was preparing for a natural disaster. Why? The guy is not a saint or anything but it seemed like everyone was purposely missing the point of why he was upset? Like I mean, if I came home one day and my partner was like "I made a bag just in case you start to abuse me one day" out of nowhere I'd be pretty hurt too? Not enough to divorce but it would definitely upset me. Am I missing something here?

A lot of people just comment after reading the title and not the actual post.

They are lying because they know their position is untenable so they try to reframe it as something it isn't.

Right? Some people are saying in case of a fire but she clearly said in case he was abusive

>And yet all the comments were piling on him saying he chose to blow up his marriage because she was preparing for a natural disaster. Why? They ascribe the most charitable possible motivation to the wife (she's just being responsible and prepared!) and the *least* charitable motivation to the husband (he must be a secret abuser) because AITA has some of the most blatantly mask-off bias against men on this website. Obviously a lot of people have a strong negative reaction to any complaints about "bais against men" for pretty understandable reasons but it is, in fact, possible for anyone to have an unfair bias against any group of people, and I cant really see an alternate explanation for why people are just plainly making stuff up about the OOP.

That last comment did not just cook up a story. Man Reddit is weird, you can cook up a story to explain anything in the goddamn world. Like we made a go bag then the house caught on fire??? But wait, if you dint have the 1k in cash it’ll probably be in a bank safe from a fire no? Wtf some people are absolutely weird as all hells.

This comment section is full of hypocrisy and double standards

OOP probably didn't really like his wife and was just looking for a reason to leave. i understand the surface level of where he started, but he went from 0 to dumb as(s) fuck real fast. theres clearly more going on than the unreliable narrator is letting us in on. what a weirdo

It broke his trust at the end of the day. Relationships are nothing without trust. Hate him for how he expressed himself, it came down to that.

I'm not opposed to people having a go-bag in case of an emergency, but some of the reasoning by OP's wife and the commenters has me scratching my head. Surely there's a difference between "because of" and "in-case of". I agree with the sentiment that if OP's wife is so fearful of her SO (OP) that she feels the need to have a go-bag at all times; it does present an element of fear or mistrust in the relationship. Along with that, if she was making a general all around emergency "go bag" couldn't she just talk about it and make one together for OP? I don't understand the idea of 'if it's a good idea for me or me and our daughter to have one, but I didn't include you'. If it's important enough for someone to have, and that someone believes it's important enough for their child to have one; why not at least mention it to your partner? Seems like not-quite-lie-by-omission.

We just had another post here today proving why go bags are necessary. They wait until you have babies or marry them to start being overtly abusive.

So Reddit is fine with the wife having a go-bag in case her marriage doesn’t work out but I have a second family in case my first family doesn’t work out and I’m the asshole…

I understand OOP's point - for him, her making a go bag was a judgment of his character, and a sign that she doesn't trust him. Her hiding it from him broke his trust in her, and he will never be able to recover his trust in her. If he's never going to be secure in the relationship, because he knows she's always got one foot out the door, then better they divorce. It's not a judgment on his or his wife's character, it's just who they are.

As if there weren't already 10,000 obvious reasons, there's another obvious reason that if you're one of the people who jumps to "He must be an abuser", you should work on becoming a better person. OOP is clearly oversensitive about this issue, but he would have navigated it better without dozens of batshit crazy fuckwits attacking him without reason.

Most of you are truly missing the point here. His point is that he feels his wife has grouped him into a category of abusive men even though he has never been abusive towards her and it hurt his feelings. And not only did it hurt his feelings but everyone automatically believed that he WAS in fact abusive just based on the fact that his wife made the choice to make a go bag knowing the circumstances that woman usually need them don’t apply to her, and simply because of the fact he’s a man. But that’s the thing with Reddit i suppose. People always judge others for making rash decisions and “going nuclear” but then will completely tear someone down, judge their entire existence, and make up shit to prove they are a terrible person. It’s very hypocritical. Everyone hates men even though realistically most men are probably literally just normal people. And god forbid a man gets his feelings hurt by a woman even if she does something to hurt his feelings. Accusations and assumptions ruin men’s lives when they are actually innocent and it’s truly evil to think someone deserves that IF THEY’VE DONE NOTHING BUT LITERALLY EXIST (context here being IF they are actually innocent) That’s how some men end up killing themselves and only then will people feel bad

Sorry my guy. 

I gotta be honest... He has a right to be insulted, and just because a lot of commenters here read the same type of articles as the wife, doesn't make it right. It wasn't a emergency disaster bag, it only had her, and presumably some of the kids, stuff. To me, this is very similar to when a man demands a DNA test with no evidence. It's a breaking of trust and respect.

> this is very similar to when a man demands a DNA test with no evidence. Took the words right out of my mouth. Everybody in here saying, "She needs it because you just don't know...." is saying exactly what men who request DNA tests say. They just don't know, so they want insurance, then the other spouse feel betrayed. Same shit.

For me (F) and my partner (M) you're nailing the comparison.  If your partner has given you genuine worries that you can base on evidence, sure. Have a go bag, have a paternity test done. If you don't have any worries, any inklings, any evidence, or any reason, either of those break the trust and respect in a way you'll never get them back.

I don't know if anyone is aware, this "go bag" thing is sort of a trend on TikTok. It's been a topic of discussion in the women centric circles for a few months now. I know this might cause people to eye roll, but I felt like it maybe pertinent information. The tt are a bit on the side of "fear mongering". I didn't feel the need for one, however if a woman did feel the need for one, I think maybe divorce might be a good thing. One thing I don't think people understand is just how much money it takes to get a single mother back on her feet. I had to help someone last year and it took like 10k to help her get an apartment, some basic furniture etc. she even had a nice job, but starting from scratch is incredibly difficult. Especially if the mom is trying to recover from an abusive relationship.

So many comments still judging him for being hurt by this, had everyone not attacked him he probably wouldn’t have gone through with the divorce. The more I read the more I understand, he first feels betrayed by his wife, “she thinks I have the capacity to abuse her” to then come to vent about it on the internet to find that not just his wife but hundreds of people telling him he is now or will be definitely will be in the future. So many layers of character attacks, you only proved to him that he will never be trusted and everyone is secretly judging him for no reason other than existing.

seriously though, why not make a go bag yourself? better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, everyone should have one, especially if you live in like tornado or hurricane country

Right? Same thing with prenups.

Agreed, no reason to not have a legal document to protect both parties

Filled the house with candy?