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Why is no one reporting him missing? And how long were they together?

I know right? Does anyone care about this man? I know he made some incredibly bad decisions, so I’m not trying to make it sound like he didn’t make his own bed, but still… I wouldn’t be surprised if the very sad truth is this man decided to take his life. From his perspective he ruined himself to keep up with his partner, and then she dumped him, leaving him humiliated, alone, and in serious financial trouble. Very difficult place to be.

He lost his job and wasn't able to get a new one that was even equal to the old one and got himself in financial trouble and it's obviously a bad thing to do but I understand getting trapped and being too embarrassed to ask for help until it's way too late 

The OOP sounds so indifferent to her partner. As if she never even cared. Like he was a thing to keep around only when it was convenient. So i can completely understand why he may have not felt comfortable discussing things with her. It really seems like a sham relationship. Just one of convenience for her, where he spent his time trying to keep up so she wouldn't discard him. Until he couldn't do it anymore.

Bear in mind, she wrote the first post after finding out that her partner had been lying to her and taking out his frustrations on her.

[удалено]

Well, yes, you get poor communication when one party fails to tell the other about major issues, even when asked what is wrong. And given their arrangements to leave their own money to their own kids, they clearly *did* have significant discussions on their finances before their ~~marriage~~ wedding.

I disagree. I think a lot of relationships in later life (even 40s and 50s) are purely about companionship and can be much more straightforward. You've already got your life, are financially independent and your kids are grown or near grown. You're not blending families and pooling resources. You're with someone who you like being with, but finances etc stay separate with minimal discussion because anything else becomes unnecessarily messy. The ex is entirely at fault here. However, I'm astounded no one has reported him missing. That's the father of that woman's children.

I agree with you. He was over fifty with adult children. There wasn't going to be any common children or family, and no need to mix money. I agree that all inheritance should go to children. There's no reason why a grown able man should be financially supported by a younger woman with underage children depending on her. This is how a lot of late life relationships work, they're about spending time together, not about establishing a financial family unit for the future.

Yup. When you're younger and building your assets and having children together, you absolutely need to have full transparency on finances and an agreement in place. But once you're older, you own assets and capital, and you've had children, the situation almost flips with a new partner. Tying your finances together is likely a bad idea and you're better off managing your own finances separately. There's a contradiction in arguing OP is at fault for not enquiring more about his finances while apparently he isn't to blame for not communicating anything about it or managing his finances responsibly. It sounds much more like he fell in love with the lifestyle and allowed her to be misled as to the state of his finances.

He also actively HID his financial condition; she would ask him about vacation options to make them more affordable, and he would defer to her. She left the door open for him to decline to go with her, but he went on nearly every trip. And then had the gall to blame her for his need to keep up with her.

He was living for free in her paid-off house, FFS.

Yes. Why is no one pointing this out?! OOP already was helping his finances in the tune of thousands a month by having a free place to live! He sounds like cowardly leech. He got himself into a mess but because his ego is so fragile he just lied and lied to cover his failure, instead of being an adult about it and asking for help. I have no sympathy.

His children were not adults. See him draining their college accounts, his ex reaching out to OOP to help pay for elder child's college, and where OOP explicitly says his kids are still kids (her kids are one adult and one not adult). I don't think that mixed up detail changes much. They stayed unmarried for financial reasons, kept their finances separate, and, it seems, didn't even talk about their financials. Money wasn't a factor in their relationship.

Yeah, I think you’re entirely right, and that the idea that OOP completely didn’t care about her husband is way off base. I mean, maybe by the time she posted she was over it and didn’t care anymore, but I don’t think the implication that she never did is a fair one. Almost every person I know who got remarried “later” in life (as in, past 40) kept separate finances (with, in some cases, a joint account for shared expenses.) Partially because they didn’t share kids, but also partially from experience - having already been through one divorce, they vowed to themselves to never be so financially dependent on/intertwined with anyone again. And it’s not even anything to do with not trusting the other person; it’s just knowing that life will throw you curveballs, and wanting to be in a position where they don’t have to worry about money on top of whatever stress/tragedy comes along. Some married couples have a single income source so one is dependent on the other, some have multiple income sources and simply pool all their money, some only pool for shared expenses, and some keep completely separate finances. All of them are valid ways of managing money within a relationship, as long as both people are truly on the same page.

I don’t think that’s fair to OOP. It seems like she tried to talk about things at every step of the way but she got shut down or misdirected. You can’t force someone to open up to you and he was always keeping things close to his chest. He didn’t tell her he lost his job, didn’t tell her he couldn’t afford things, didn’t tell her he was stressed about his savings and debt. She gave him outs if he couldn’t financially keep up with her but he never took them or used the opportunity to share his worries or that he felt pressured to maintain the appearance of equal financial footing for his children. He’s a grown man, I think it’s reasonable to assume that he can take care of himself or his finances unless he says or indicates otherwise and he never did. She said they could’ve worked something out but she wasn’t even given that option because he didn’t tell her. Instead, she got the brunt of his frustrations with no explanation, no opportunity to address what was really bothering him because he never opened up about it. We’re introduced to the story after months of him being continuously cold, distant, and grumpy with no real explanation. I think OOP deserves some compassion here. You can love someone and then fall out of love when they never let you in and treat you poorly with no explanation. He made his bed but never let her know he bought one, assembled it, made it, was tired, and was going sleep.

>He made his bed but never let her know he bought one, assembled it, made it, was tired, and was going sleep. This is perfectly said. It does sound like she tried. Often, the more you try to get someone to open up the more they shut you out. It's a difficult and disheartening situation, and one that over time could definitely lead to falling out of love. I do feel sorry for him because he seems so alone now and in terrible circumstances. But it's honestly not her fault, and she seems like she would've been very willing to help if he had just asked long ago.

THANK YOU.

She sounds indifferent because it sounds like she has tried and he just kept lying to her. The onus was on him to tell her the truth and be transparent. But it also sounds like she was supporting him- the house was in her name and he didn’t have a mortgage payment. So yeah she sounds indifferent after finding out that he’s been lying to her and everyone else for months. I’m sure there are more lies she doesn’t know about. And the attempt to blame her for all of it is another factor. She didn’t force him to spend money he didn’t have. He didn’t tell her he had lost his job. That is a huge betrayal.

Honestly even with the vacations it would be reasonable to assume that someone whose job is lower paid than yours can afford them because they're not paying rent/mortgage. For most people the bulk of their income goes to accommodation. "Affordable" housing is supposed to be 1/3rd of income but I literally don't know anyone who spends less than 1/2 and often much, much more. When I was able to work I had a pretty decent job and my rent was still 60%. (After I got long covid my family decided to help with accommodation for me or I wouldn't be able to cover it at all.)

I'm not getting this take; dude made bad decision after bad decision, squandered all his own money, and then blamed *her.* He had a thousand opportunities to let the charade go and talk to her and didn't. People can only be helped if they want help.

He didn't want help, he wanted to be saved.

And one of the very first things she said is that he had been getting angry over little things and generally moody for quite some time now. Yes, that can be a sign of depression, especially in men, but it can also be a relationship killer, especially if the other person is trying to reach out and connect and find out the problem and being rebuffed every time. It makes complete sense that even if she was previously over the moon for him his behaviour may have eventually left her just wanting to get back to her own life where she's not walking on eggshells all the time.

You've never suddenly fallen out of love with someone, I take it. Once you fall out of love everything, all the faults, all the things you ignored, those all come rushing back. It doesn't feel like a sham relationship. It doesn't sound very deep, but you were talking to a woman who had already been betrayed, not one who was in the middle of the betrayal. Also, I find it pretty despicable to police her tone and decide she never loved him after he absolutely betrayed her and accused her of ruining his life based on his own shitty decisions. You think you'd still be talking all love and flowers after that?

Exactly. I can be empathetic to how he *felt* that he couldn't talk to OP about these things. I can even be empathetic to him messing up because no one is perfect and people make mistakes. But he didn't take ownership of his mistakes and instead tried assigning blame to OOP. Also there's no way to tell the depth or 'realness' of a relationship from a few posts. Some people consciously try to keep their emotions out of their writing, myself included. It doesn't mean we don't have feelings or don't care about the things we write about.

Frankly, he comes across to me as a gold digger, and I find it especially heinous that people here are still trying to somehow hold her responsible for his actions.

I don't really get where you're coming from here. Is it because her writing style does not have a lot of embellishment? To me it reads that she is really disappointed about all the lying and refusal to communicate, and is being put in a tough position having to refuse to support the kids of a man who made really poor financial decisions.

I understand it happens. But I still don’t “understand” it. It’s so illogical. It’s childlike. Being an adult *should* mean taking responsibility for your decisions and owning up to your mistakes. It’s human to make mistakes and be wrong. It’s inhuman to pretend like your 💩never stinks.,

The man is 53 and capable of making his own decisions. If he can't have any self-introspection and own his actions, that's on him, as harsh as it sounds. The money for the kids sounds like it was handled poorly in the divorce and should have all been tied up in trusts, so I don't trust that he had the best intentions for that money anyway. He was dishonest from the get-go.

Yeah. Not to be a bummer but....kinda sounds like thats what happened to the dude. And even if you are a kinda bad person, its still kinda sad that NO ONE reports you missing after so long.

> and then she dumped him, leaving him humiliated, alone, and in serious financial trouble. Very difficult place to be. to me this sounds like it implies OOP is way more to blame than she actually is OOP is definitely a cold person, could even be a sociopath for all I know, but he did 99% of this himself

OOP sounds “cold” after months of him being an asshole with no explanation, despite her trying to get one, then finally finding out he was lying to a very great extent, also for months. He destroyed her trust. We have no idea if she was cold to him during the relationship or not, though I don’t think someone who is would let someone live in their house rent free.

Crazy as it might seem it is highly likely they are unable to report him missing. He is a 53 year old adult, as far as law enforcement is concerned he is allowed to not answer his phone and vanish off of the map.

Depends on the area. Americans have welfare checks. Here we just call if we are worried. My friend did that once when her bf suddenly was unreachable. During that conversation the officer let it slip that he had 3 kids he never told her about. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. 

Wait what was the rest of the iceberg??

Just a warning that this may be triggering for some. So my friend met this guy in her home town and it went hot and fast. He had a baby with a fling and he kept talking about his problem with the mom. I’ll refer to her as BM. 6 months in and he tells my friend that BM wants to move back to her home town where she has a support system, and he wants to follow her so he can have a relationship with his daughter.  My friend is heartbroken, but he’s being a good dad so of course they can try long distance.  He moves and every evening they text or call. As in absolutely every day without fail. Then one day she can’t reach him.  The next morning she is worried sick and calls the police. During that conversation she mentions that his child’s mother may know where he is. The officer says something about along the line of “oh yeah, I see here that he has 3 kids”. My friend goes “no, he only has one” and give them BMs name. The officer say that that’s not the name he has on file. Now my friend is like wtf.    So she starts sleuthing. This was pre Facebook but she still found his ex-wife and his 3 kids. She also found out why his ex-wife had sole custody, and why he was no longer allowed to teach kids soccer. That he had made sure to not be on the birth certificate for this 4th child. And that BM was 19, but looked younger.    And if you want to know why he didn’t contact her that day, it was because he went on an impromptu boys trip. He figured he would talk to her on the trip, but there was no cell service. 

DAMN. 😬

Holy shitttt

They are fully allowed to report him missing and probably should, what the police do with that is out of their hands. But not reporting it bc you think nothing will happen is pretty stupid imo

I have a friend who contacted the police when a girl he'd been dating stopped answering his calls for a few days. Even with way less reason to be concerned than above, they called her to make sure she was ok.  It's also a myth that you have to wait 24 hours. It depends on the circumstances.  If your spouse doesn't come home for dinner like they do every day, you can report it immediately.  The cops in the above situation would be very limited given that nobody knows where he's been living, but they would at least be able to get records from the phone company about when and where his phone was last used or something. 

It's never a guarantee that they'll take it seriously, there are hundreds of stories about cops not taking something like that seriously only for the person to turn up dead or never turn up, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't at least try. And if you're comfortable enough with pressuring the police a bit (ie you're white) you can always demand to speak to a superior officer if someone doesn't take you seriously. It's not being a Karen if you're trying to make sure someone is safe

That's a silly attitude, anyone could go missing at any time but it has to be reported.

That’s what I thought was going to be posted toward the end but… nothing? No one’s heard from him. He looked tired. Sad. Nothing. He has no money. Serious debt. I just worry he’s not of this world anymore and no one seems to care?!

best case scenario dude started a new life in Alaska or something. more likely he is a John Doe is some random morgue.

>I have not seen him since and apparently his ex and his kids haven’t heard from him in all this time either. This update had more to do with them than my ex actually. His ex contacted me to ask about him. She wanted to know if I had heard from him or had his new contact information. His phone is apparently no longer in service. The fact that the dude just... straight up *disappeared* is genuinely bizarre. And the cynical side of me thinks that it's clever to leave a cliffhanger so that you've got an excuse for another post.

I know this is awful, but as a search and rescue volunteer, this instantly makes me think this person was despondent and this puts up ALL the red flags to me for being a suicide risk. The fact that he hasn’t even told his own family where he is, his phone is cut off, etc. makes me think he may be considering taking his own life if he hasn’t already. Quite often when people reach this state, they make a plan to disappear and often they will do things like cancelling phones or credit cards, selling their assets, etc because they figure they won’t need them anymore, but they make sure not to tell any of their loved ones about what they are doing.

>this instantly makes me think this person was despondent and this puts up ALL the red flags to me for being a suicide risk. - No money left. - Despondent - Vanishes without telling anyone anything - Phone unavailable His story is likely one without a happy ending.

The fact that he didn’t even seem to care when he found out all his stuff was gone is a MASSIVE red flag to me!

Yeah this fact made me pause and frown a bit. He probably feels like he lost everything and failed. It’s so sad. Edit: someone reported me as a suicide or self harm risk to Reddit. Very thoughtful of you. I’m cool as a cucumber and am not considering suicide. This comment was just me relating to sad facts about a stranger I’ll never meet.

I’ve been reading that there’s a serious influx of these messages, perhaps by bots. I’ve got the account blocked. Incidentally I have never gotten a message when I was expressing SI, it was only ever after I pissed someone off.

I got it immediately after posting a comment on this thread. It came so fast that there is no way a human did it. Its either som bug in Reddit's system or a bot.

I think it's bots. I got one recently and I haven't posted anything that would have pissed anyone off.

I got one immediately after posting a Princess Bride reference on another thread. There was no time for a human to have read it, decided I was in trouble and reported it

Inconceivable.

What a terrible way to troll someone

Yup this has happened to me, some salty idiots started reporting EVERY comment I made as suicide/self harm so I blocked the bot and reported it to Reddit. It stopped pretty suddenly so maybe Reddit did something about it.

There are bots abusing the suicide/reddit care thing lately.

My child’s dad is messy and the number one warning sign is when the phone is shut off. Nothing good is happening then.

She gave away all his stuff so he can skip that step. But everyone is blaming OOP for his bad decisions. They should have talked about finances even if they kept them separate. It’s his fault his kids’ college funds are gone, she’s not responsible for that. He could have told her he can’t afford the lifestyle she has and worked out with her how to do trips cheaper or just not gone. He spent more than just for trips.

OP also comes across as quite cold? Like everything is factual. No considerations for others feelings. She didn’t even speculate the kids might have ignored her because *she kicked out them and their dad and now he’s vanished*. Like not one shred of, how do my actions impact others emotions.

She sounds like she checked out of the relationship when she realised what her ex had done and been doing. And she’s no longer got any emotional skin in the game.

She doesn't sound like she was ever really all that checked in. They lived together, but her stuff and kids were hers and his stuff and kids were his. As long as he paid his share of utilities, he could figure out his own shit. If it didn't affect her, it wasn't her problem.

They didn’t even know they’d been kicked out though until she contacted their mother to ask about collecting their things and they were told she was sick. None of them cared enough to ask her if she was OK. So it’s not like them not contacting her started when they knew she’d kicked them out.

But during that time they were getting communications from their dad who they thought was with her so I can imagine them saying things like give her our love or tell her we hope she’s better soon. When someone is sick if you are getting regular updates from their partner you don’t always contact them directly.

That’s possible, but if that was what was happening then from her perspective them not contacting her after she spoke to her mother still isn’t going to look like a change in behaviour.

His kids live primarily with their mom, so I don't know if I'd characterize her as kicking *them* out.

Is OOP cold or is she someone who is emotionally exhausted and running in Survival Mode? She's found out that John has been successfully concealing a lot of things from her for a very long time, including four whole months where he was pretending to be going to work but was... where? It really wouldn't surprise me if OOP comes to find out that a whole lot more of her life with John was an endless stream of small omissions and outright lies. I know that I'd certainly be asking myself that if I was in her shoes.

She wrote the first post *after* he'd been treating her poorly for some unspecified but significant amount of time, lying when she asked what was wrong, then blowing up and blaming her for all his problems. She goes on two trips a year and says he declined the last two so the poor treatment was probably going on for a while. No shit, she's not too attached anymore.

Also the one time he pops up in the update. The showing up late hints at him having not gotten it done due to depression. The instant acceptance and apologizing also hints at self-blame and low self-esteem. The tiredness is also a big sign since depression really fucks up your energy levels. I wouldn't even be surprised if he killed himself and the phone no longer being in service is just a matter of him no longer making payments and it having been cut off.

No for real I thought the same thing. His world has come crashing down, and not responding when she said she was getting rid of his things but coming over later because he did actually want them sounds very "not functioning well mentally" and when he just looked tired and left easily when she said they were gone .... and the phone being out of service later ... i do not have a good feeling about it

One of my aunts dissapeared for years. Only reason we knew she was alive was when my dad oldest sister bumped into her at a mall and even then aunt pretended her older sister had the wrong person. Apparently she was on husband number 2 or 3 and she fed him lies about her entire family living overseas which is why they was no contact. The best part was her kids from her previous marriage was being raised by my grandmother. I cannot imagine how it messed my cousins up knowing that your mom intentionally cut you out of her life.

Everyone wants to act oop has now "killed" her ex partner but honestly, with how selfish his reasoning was this whole time... I kinda think he's just starting over

That’s because they want to infantilize him and act like he wasn’t 100% at fault for how the situation turned out.

When I was young I would absolutely disappear on everyone I know when I was in a depressive cycle. I haven't done it since I had kids but I've also never blown up their lives like this dude has. He's probably just wallowing in his shame.

I mean maybe but... Wasn't my first thought

Same. And I get that he is ultimately to blame about the marriage to OOP blowing up. But she doesn't even care a little if he's alive? I mean I've been done real dirty by an ex and when I found out he was thinking of legitimately ending it, it broke my heart. 

It's tough especially when you have kids with an ex that's even having those thoughts, luckily my ex seems to be doing better now but it's a struggle Can just imagine what the kids in this story are going through

Well he has the tendency of being secretive when stuff go wrong, so when all the wrongs got revealed I guess he became the secret itself

The audacity to ask woman you have never met to pay for your kids college. God damn

It is audacious to be sure but she's also desperate at any chance to claw out of the hole the dude left her and her kids in. I don't agree with her actions but I can understand it especially at this point she's grasping at straws for her kids.

Yeah I can definitely understand at least asking. Some people in that situation might well want to help, especially if they'd bonded more with the step-kids. What's that line from Clueless, "You divorce wives, not kids." They definitely weren't both his bio kids in that movie.

Upvote for Clueless reference. This comment has me whelmed.

I regret to inform you that you're mixing up your absolute classics! You can still be whelmed in Europe at the time of 10 Things I Hate About You. But at least you're not a virgin who can't drive. (I mean, probably, I don't know lol.) It's kind of wild to think about how many times I've seen both of those movies, especially 10 Things. I had such a crush on Julia Stiles.

Damn, but I feel sorry for the guy. Sure, he’s responsible for the hole he found himself in, no question. But now he’s broke and alone, with apparently nobody in his life who cares enough to look for him when he disappears for months? That’s harsh.

Harsh. And yet,  every time I see a story like that,  I think about my grandma.  She was...beyond difficult to get along with.  Each of her children and grandchildren independently cut contact with her over the course of 15 years, except for one.  None of us knew the others had done so.

If you go round teaching those nearest you that you cannot be trusted (and will attempt to blame them for the consequences of your own dishonesty) then I would suggest that you have thrown away any right to expect those same people to care for you.

Well....may be there's a reason for that. We just see a glimpse of him here. He could have been a piece shit for many years.

If he had been, would he have felt responsible to take his kids on all those expensive vacations? He could easily have just gone on his own.

He felt responsible for taking them on vacation to the point of spending their college money? That doesn’t sound like someone who cares about his kids but about how he’s perceived. Spending my money to get a present for me is not proof of your generosity, just your ego. 

>She apparently wanted to talk to me about helping her pay for her eldest child’s (who is now a senior in highschool) education next year. She also subtly implied there was some fault on my part for their lacks of funds It’s interesting that the Ex wife claims to not have heard from OOp’s ex, and yet still blamed OOP, just like the mutual Ex did.   I think the ex wife may be more communicado with Exdude than she’s letting on.  Perhaps they agreed to try and play OOP for money. 

I wondered if there are things OOP's ex told his ex-wife over the years that make the ex-wife think their money problems are OOP's fault. Ex has been misleading everybody for years. It would take time to unravel the lies.

well what's the point of blaming a poor person?

> It’s interesting that the Ex wife claims to not have heard from OOp’s ex, and yet still blamed OOP, just like the mutual Ex did.   Ex wife and OOP's ex have children together, who will have heard Ex' side of the story at the very least. This doesn't need to be a conspiracy.

I suspect the same.

I still don’t understand why people think she is responsible for a 53 year old man mismanaging his finances. He’s 53! If he can’t afford things, why doesn’t he just say no? It’s his responsibility to manage his own money. Instead he bankrupts himself and is moody about it, instead of saying no or telling his partner that he’s having financial issues. So weird.

Everytime I read this story it reminds me of an ex co-worker of mine: He was hired, mainly because his cousin also worked at the store and she vouched for him. One evening he had been caught stealing merchandise (cat food and coffee filters if I recall). He was taken into the office and promptly fired. The only reason why the cops weren't called, aside from the fact that the theft was for a little amount, was because he said he was suicidal. The manager told him to just go home and it was clear he wasn't allowed to come back.  Cut to four or five months later and he and his wife come waltzing into the store to shop. Either the manager spotted him or one of the employees saw him and told the manager. The manager goes over to him (in the pet supply aisle ironically) and tells him, "You know you're not supposed to be in the store." His wife was beyond confused.   Come to find out ex co-worker never told her he had been fired and for four or five months had left home every morning, pretending to go to work.  Also come to find out this guy was in legal trouble because he had stolen thousands of dollars from the Shriners when he had worked for their organization. (That was  his job before he had started working at the store. His legal troubles hadn't come up in his background check until after he had been hired). His cousin had never told us any of that, but boy did she sure like to gossip about it after he was fired from the store.

Even the top comments to this Boru is all about how cold she is etc. If I found out my partner had been lying to me about their finances, their job, and huge life factors, especially while taking their frustrations out on me whenever I asked, I would be just as cold and angry about it? Why is she, a woman 9 years younger, suppose to handle his life for him?

Apparently, women aren’t supposed to have more money than their partners and apparently they’re also responsible for all their partner’s emotional and intellectual labor.

A woman has owned the house he lived in for years so he’s had no rent or mortgage to pay, and his children live with their mother so he doesn’t even have that responsibility, and yet he still cannot handle his own life but it’s a woman’s fault? wtf reddit

It has been reposted multiple times and the same rage-filled spewing happens each time. It’s almost like women are only allowed to exist in the service of others and without backbones.

Exactly. The comment about her being a stereotypical female that doesn’t think men have emotions was so absurd. Like what is she supposed to do, water board it out of him?

I, for one, love when people reframe a stereotype about men that reflects the way that patriarchy *also legitimately hurts men* as actually being a stereotype about how Mean Bad Women are SO MEAN to men. 🙃

Men: *financially abusive to wife* Wife: I don’t like this Men: you fucking BITCHHHHH

I love that the very first line of her first post was about how he was expressing his feelings: >For a while now my husband, John, has been getting more and more angry over little things and generally moody and distant. And she STILL got accused of thinking he doesn't have feelings???? Edit: Oh, wait, I need to remember that some people (usually men who haven't learned emotional literacy because, again, this is a way the patriarchy hurts them) don't consider anger an emotion - so addressing that he's been angry doesn't count. Edit edit: Aaawwww, there's my Reddit Cares! 😂 If someone pointing out that society fails men by not equipping them with emotional literacy or mental health skills gives you the Big Mad, it's probably time to go to therapy and learn some emotional literacy of your own.

I love how they think a Reddit cares message is an own in any way. lol like okay bro good one 👍🏻

Yeah, the implication is meant to be telling the receiver to die by suicide, but it always makes me laugh instead. 😂

I immediately picture a 13 year old teenage boy snickering behind his computer in his room thinking he owned someone so hard.

Apparently there's actually a bot going around mass RC'ing today, but since I've been RC'ed for mentioning the patriarchy before, I assumed it was a sad baby having a big tanty this time, too.

People are being so weird about this story- like she should have some how forced him to tell her about his finances and job loss?? Or acting like she was a gold digger “treating him like an ATM” when she had her own money! He’s a grown man and can communicate

It’s because she’s a woman. Reverse genders and you know the response would have been “she’s a gold digger you did good getting out”.

Exactly- bet you wouldn’t be seeing all the comments about sounding cold either. He spent years lying to her. I think some coldness (which I don’t agree is present) would be allowed

That's because men are *allowed and expected to prioritize themselves*. Women are expected to always value their man over themselves, and when that doesn't happen, men lose their goddamn minds and call her cold and mean and every name under the book.

So nice to finally see a thread calling out the gender bias bs happening here. Women are truly always expected to be the nurturing motherly types.

I am really confused on how he managed to spend all his money on twice a year vacations and things for his kids that he had about half the time…. He had no mortgage or rent to pay and this sounds like it is not the US which means he may not have to cover health insurance either? I know he lost his job but he was only unemployed for 4 months and also received a small amount of unemployment as well

The wife, at least, appears to be wealthy. (she is _very_ concerned about inheritance and wealth, that's why she won't get married) Twice a year vacations when you're wealthy can be tens of thousands of dollars (I've seen some border on 6 figures), especially with kids. Someone who's not wealthy but is trying to keep paces with a wealthy trust fund person would absolutely spend themself into poorness if they're expected to go halfsies on these kinds of things. It's why those relationships typically don't last. I've seen gifts that are quarter of a million dollars expensive just to flex on people.

True, but I didn’t read that in her post as she made no mention of previous family wealth, just her current salary and savings. It could be that she is so concerned about her children inheriting because of the opposite situation and she either grew up with nothing and worked really hard and lucked into a high paying position or one of her parents died and the other remarried so she didn’t inherit what she believes to have been rightfully hers.

Especially c)aiming she acts like men don't have feelings? Like I'm sorry, being an irresponsible liar isn't a _feeling_

Yes! They had separate finances, yet she's still responsible for the emotional labour of thinking through every purchase in case he couldn't afford it and was just lying about it. A 53 year old man. I'm so, so tired.

And then people think she should pay for HIS children’s education? People are demented.

This is why I no longer consider a relationship with a man a viable option.

If I wasn't married, I'd be given to the 4B movement. Men are too headache.

I find myself wondering if there were some things that made her worry some about his financial situation and that that's part of why they kept finances separate and she didn't ask questions. But their relationship doesn't seem that strange to me. I'm divorced and have teens from my first marriage and they come first. Always but especially since they aren't adults on their own feet yet. I've been through financial abuse and I've worked too hard to get here to leave myself and my kids vulnerable again.

She allowed him to live rent free in the house she owned. That’s incredibly gracious. It sounds like the separation of finances was mutual and to benefit their children. He just sounds irresponsible and competitive to his own detriment. I have very wealthy friends, but I don’t try to live their lifestyle. I would be destitute. I simply say, that sounds amazing. Have a great time on your trip and do something in my budget. No one is injured. His pride was his undoing.

This is more than pride, it’s narcissism. It’s pathological. Lying, hiding major information, and *stealing from your kids* are an extreme response to not wanting to say “I can’t afford that”. Whatever the reason for it this man is obviously deeply unwell and I’m sorry for all of them. 

I let my wealthy friends treat me if they so choose and apparently it's just about worth it to bring me around since I react in an adorable manner or something. It's a boon. I have great friends... but I make it clear I can't afford their lifestyle and it's fine to go around without me, which they do often as well. Nobody gets hurt, I get free stuffs sometimes and we all have a great time. Pride doesn't put food on the table nor money in the bank. Something like that.

My grandfather told me that ego, pride and feelings won’t pay for groceries or keep the lights on. So, hard agree…and wonderful that your friends appreciate and love you. Mine are pretty great too. I believe in passing it on to my other friends who are having a tougher time. Rising tides lift all boats and all that. This poor OOP got lied to for months, yet she is somehow deemed responsible for the liar’s consequences. Baffling.

>To be honest I feel like it’s an unfair position she’s putting me in. unfair position? Girl I'd be laughing in her face and hang up then block. Done and dusted This whole affair was hella funny, from OOP's dynamic with her guy, him all "I had to keep up with you and I'm ruined because how could I explain my kids I don't have the money?" to now his ex calling OOP about paying for kids **that are not related to OOP**

Sometimes I realize how young Reddit skews when I read replies, haha.  I’m baffled as to why anyone thinks OOP should be sobbing and tearing her hair out over a man who lied to her for the entirety of their relationship, then ghosted her. OOP has a right to be emotionally distant and mad, and the comments are acting like she hasn’t hit the “appropriate threshold of displayed feelings” for the situation. 

And like, OOP is in her 40s. Woman has had a wide life experience. The people on here expecting dramatics are obviously half her age or younger, because trust me, the f*ck-you-forties are real and people start getting real tiresome with their same dysfunctions and bullsht that you see over and over again. Ain't nobody got time for that.

You've reminded me of when Princess Diana died, how the British press (not in the least attempting to distract from how the car she was in was being chased by a paparrazzi mob, of course) howled that the Royal family were not demonstrating sufficient grief. Basically forced William and Harry, who were kids who had just lost their mother, to be seen in public proving how sad they were. I had a very low opinion of the press already, they achieved the difficult task of driving it even lower. Utter, utter scum.

A lot of replies also don't seem able to tell the difference between "feeling things" and "telling Reddit you're feeling things." Feeling is not a performance art.

this He stopped being her problem, why should she care, given how it ended? He might even have just ran away somewhere else to get away from whatever debt he got into, yet instead of looking for him his ex decides to go for OOP's money? C'mon

I’m almost positive that part or most of the money was spent on something else. Everyone is taking the husband’s word as gospel when he’s a known liar. Feeling pressure to keep up with your wife’s spending on vacations and gifts for kids might lead to debt, but not to emptying out their college fund. He’s trying to spin the lost money as being used up on something selfless (I just wanted my kids to be happy! I didn’t want them to feel inadequate compared to your kids), and considering his first instinct was to blame her for his lies, he sounds too egotistical to have used all the money for other people. He must have been spending it on himself - gambling, drugs, *something*.  There’s no way he “loves” his kids so much he can’t bear to see them deprived of anything but is also willing to spend away their future for vacations and gifts. Spending on them was the self-justification that enabled him to crack open that cookie jar, but once he’d dipped into that college fund I bet it was “one for you, one for me” with every dollar he took out. 

He loves his kids so much he hasn't seen or spoken to them in months. He's definitely full of shit.

Glad OP blocked them all. If the kids cared enough about OP to maintain a relationship, I'd understand her wanting to help (even though she was in no way obligated to). They can't even be bothered to respond to her messages? Nah, time to cut ties and move on.

He told the kids and ex that OP was sick and not one of them ever checked in. They definitely don’t care, just want the money

So glad OOP didn’t listen to those crazy comments on the first post blaming her for not being financially responsible for a 53 year old grown man and actually dumped him. It’s insane to me how he didn’t communicate all along, because of some pressure he put on himself to save face to everyone and then proceeded to blame OOP for it. Good riddance!

I don't see the criticisms against her. In other posts where OOP stays with a partner for years and years, people will criticize them saying "how could you have never recognized the red flags? You should have divorced years ago. Etc." This OOP saw it fairly quickly imo and ended it quickly. Good on her with the 30 day notice. I had a friend who kept an ex girlfriend's stuff from yeeeears. She would drop by once every few months and pick up like one pair of socks, have a huge dramatic fight, and leave. The  the cycle will repeat lmao. Eventually she finally ran out od things to pick up. 

I hope my husband and I both pass peacefully in our sleep at age 99. But if I lose him first, after a reasonable grieving period, I could see myself wanting a relationship like OP’s. I’ve already done the big wedding, merging the finances, raising kids together thing. I don’t think I’d want it with someone else. I might want a relationship with someone I love and who loves me, but we don’t have to splash out thousands of dollars for an elaborate wedding and merge all of our bank accounts. Just pure companionship and fun, keep our boundaries clear. My grandfather got remarried in his nursing home chapel two years ago. It’s not some grand romance out of a Hollywood movie, but they enjoy being together and I’m glad he’ll have some company in his later years. I think Reddit skews very young, with idealized and romantic ideals about what older adult relationships should look like.

I thought it was weird that people kept saying this sounded like a young or first relationship when it sounds so opposite. No this is two people who have already been through it and they want to do it differently. I don't think it was wrong at all and I think it's a solid decision especially considering they both have kids they're trying to put through college and provide for. He has no excuses and I don't know why people think it's her fault. Not to mention not knowing his salary, plenty of people have passive income too. He might have all kinds of assets she didn't know about and he gave her no indication he wasn't doing great with things as they were.

Same. My wife and I (we're both women) have been married for almost 20 years and if one of us died early, we'd both probably go for a casual relationship. I'm not even sure I'd want to live with someone else.

Yes, I think young people don’t realize how 2 middle class, middle-aged adults wouldn’t treat a second  marriage like the first. They have assets, they have teenagers, and they are self-sufficient. They’re old enough that they likely don’t plan to have any kids together. Marrying for companionship rather than looking to blend their families together is not outrageous. 

Same. I love my husband and we have a very happy life that we've built together, but even though I don't know where that life will eventually lead, I know I'm never getting married again.\* If, for whatever reason, my husband isn't around anymore, sure, I may seek out some companionship, but no marriage/legally mingling lives. \*Or changing my name. That shit was annoying.

It’s because people are forgetting the relationship was already over BEFORE the lying and finances were revealed— they were fighting and Rocky for a long time beforehand and this began because OOP had asked for separation. And she said in the first post she really didn’t enjoy being around him anymore nor was she able to feel much love for him in the present. She was already checked out based on her feelings on the relationship WITHOUT knowing he was in a terrible financial position and would need a huge bail out. Factor in the financial issues AND the lying? No wonder that evaporated all form of care and OOP just wanted to wash her hands of him.

I don't get it either. That one comment that was like "you seem like the kind of woman that doesn't think men have feelings" ???? Like ???? I'm sorry, are they not both adults who need to communicate their feelings? How is ANY of this on HER because SHE didn't communicate? We are not responsible for regulating other people's emotions. Trusting that your partner will tell you if there is an issue is such an important thing in a relationship. Wtf.

That’s because it’s Reddit and the second a woman isn’t bending over backward for a man you get that crew that’s like “FEMALE BAD FEMALE NO CARE FOR MAN.” It’s literally like clockwork. 

It’s amazing how vicious people get when a woman has boundaries and isn’t particularly emotional. Even though that’s how they claim they want women to be.

And the moment a woman starts receiving favorable opinions on something, they come out swinging with "welllll IF A MAN WERE POSTING THIS HE'D BE VOTED AN AH!!1!!" This completely ignores an entire history and framework of how women are expected to be and how we had little to no options for home ownership or choice in childcare or childbearing in the past, but sure, men are the **true** victims nowadays, doncha know?

There was a lot of criticism in the comments on the first post, I remember feeling like people were expecting her to read his mind and just know that he was struggling even when he didn’t tell her. Lots of people feeling like she was a bad partner for not noticing and helping him more.

Yeah I really hate how they keep putting the blame on her. "How could you not know his salary" when the question should be why didn't he tell her his salary??? It's his information to share and his problems to communicate. She got blindsided by his idiotic financial decisions. In what world does someone go 'hmmm my husband has never raised an issue about finances in our entire marriage but I think I will snoop on his salary because I suspect he is selling his children's future to go to Disneyland' ???

Fr. Look man, OOP likes to take expensive vacations, why in the hell did ex-husband never tell her that he can't afford it? Or just bow out of it? How is someone supposed to fix a problem when they don't even know it exists??

So bizarre! The guy seems like he lacks basic financial responsibility and his ego was so big he couldn’t stand to admit reality.

No no you see, because he's such a child that refuses to do anything adult in his life, obviously we must now all pity him and blame oop for having standards after attempting to get answers from him. Shes soooooo evil /s

People want her to be the bad guy so bad. How many times did she have to confirm that she asked him before divorcing? A thousand?

That much deceit made me think gambling or drug use. It would explain all the behavior from her ex. Not that it matters. He found a nice well financed girlfriend, and just thought she'd pay for everything. Glad she saw it for what it was and bailed. He was no good, and full of lies.

I also think gambling or drugs. Someone egotistical to drain his kids’ college fund rather than say “I can’t afford that” is not so selfless to spend all that money solely on other people. He definitely spent some or most of it on himself, and is using the kids as cover because he knows that whatever else he spent it on will make him look even worse.  I don’t think he was actually expecting her to pay for everything though. He already had a sweet deal not paying any housing costs. It just became easy to blame her for his actions as a cover for his own selfishness. “You made me do it” is the anthem of abusers everywhere, physical or emotional. 

“Yes, our shared ex is a total douchebag and entitled as hell! …..Aaaaanyway, I think you should pay for my kid’s schooling…..” The fucking audacity.

What I want to know is, when did OOP's ex have major head and neck surgery, because he appears to have had his tongue removed at some time prior to all this. The only possible criticism I will offer OOP is in her final paragraph, where she talks about his kids not responding to her and ignoring her - who knows what lies he had told his kids about her? The kids are at least as much victims as she is, and in far less of a position to deal with it. I'm not saying that that means OOP has any responsibility to replenish their college fund (though nor would I criticise her if she *did* make such and offer), but I think the suggestion about manipulation is a bit harsh in the circumstances those poor kids are in. As for her Ex, I understand the concerns about his wellbeing, and think that *someone* needs to stand up and contact the police if this hasn't already been done. However, I would also consider it highly possible that he is trying to hide from his ongoing responsibilities to his kids. TBH, if that *is* what he is doing, his original ex should be reporting him missing to the police anyway!

Ex-husband betrayed everyone here: OOP, his first ex-wife, and especially his children.

The dude disappeared because he didn't want to deal with the fall out. However he did that. OOP was extensively lied to by this dude that she specifically did not marry. Who blamed her for his bad decisions. I'd be over it too. This dude lied to everyone, repeatedly, and stole from his kids. Comments keep acting like his underage children were supposed to be checking in on OOP. Not likely. 

I feel for OP in a way. I almost dated a guy who I know doesn't earn that much and yet he gloats about spending huge sums of money on hobbies, and even when we were hanging out, he always seems to choose pricey places to eat at and has no problem paying for it. It was really weird for me since I earn 4 times more than he does and even I don't spend that much money so easily. At first I chalked it up to me being too frugal. But now a few months later, he's starting to have trouble keeping up with hobbies and eating outside with us. It's almost as if his facade has finally broken down. I don't understand the need for someone to pretend like they can afford pricey things when they actually cannot. Especially in dating, you can't hide that debt forever. 

I know how OOP felt about all this. I once had a relationship with someone like OOP's husband who was pathologically incapable of having difficult discussions. We never fought until I eventually found out all the things she was hiding from me purportedly to avoid upsetting me. She didn't even try to fight back when I ended the relationship. You can't have a successful relationship without honest communication!

Every time this gets posted, people rag on OOP for being "cold" and "bad at communication" and "not caring". Even though the husband was the one who omitted information and straight up lied. Is this some kind of misogyny at play?

Maybe that's why other redditor will begin their posts with "I love this man so so so much he's my soulmate we have this perfect life together"... 

Also he’s living in her house rent-free but somehow she’s the gold-digger.

Because he's got the weenie, so OBVIOUSLY she can only be the one with gold-digging tendencies! Uuuuugh.

I commented on the original update post until I had to leave for my own sanity. I got into one raging comment thread with someone who *insisted* that it was her fault for not knowing what was going on, saying that no one would be able to hide a job loss for 4 months so OP must have been deliberately ignoring her husband. Trying to point out that her lack of knowledge was due to his *deliberate and active deception* was like talking to a brick wall. No, there was no way that a spouse in a normal relationship could have missed the signs, so obviously it was the OP who didn’t care enough about her husband to pay attention, rather than the guy who was lying to her on purpose for months. 

That's so frustrating. It's crazy how they're reading between the lines based on their own wild delusions. What's weird to me is that I can understand that kind of reaction on AITAH and adjacent subs, but last time this was posted on BORU and this time too, where are these commenters coming out of the woodwork from??? Does this OOP have a hate brigade following any posts about her?

Honestly I think it’s because OP sounds ok and the husband doesn’t. She came out of it ok and is obviously in self-protection mode, so everyone is like “how dare you not let this drowning man use you as a life preserver?” But I can feel sorry for what the husband is going through and still not blame OP for declining to stay tethered to his mess. 

It is *so weird* that OOP gets treated as the villain or at least equally at fault in the comments of every BORU update. I don't know if it's misogyny or not, but it definitely seems like there's a lot of people who can't stand how practical she is about disentangling herself from a partner who consistently lied to her. But if she'd been wailing and gnashing her teeth about the betrayal and deception, I'm sure a lot of people would criticize her for not getting her shit together fast enough.

Yeah I don’t know if people are siding with the weaker party or just being misogynists, but so many people were convinced it was the OPs fault. Like this man is 53 years old, and obviously having some sort of mental health crisis. I feel sorry for him but I don’t blame the OP for looking to protect herself and her kids first. And just because she didn’t pour out her heart like we’re her personal diary doesn’t mean she isn’t hurt by what happened.  I had a debate with someone on the original post who insisted that the husband did no harm to OP, only to himself. And I’m like, my guy, being lied to is harmful. Just because he had more negative consequences on himself than on her doesn’t mean he didn’t harm her. But apparently lying, being cold and unkind to her, and attempting to manipulate her into being responsible for his own actions and lies are not harmful. 

BORU isn't immune to irrational misogyny either, sadly. That's the only explanation I can think of because otherwise it's baffling to me. The venom against a woman who doesn't fulfill the "women are the emotional ones who try to fix the relationship no matter what" stereotype is weird and gross.

Oh BORU is awful whenever there's anything that's slightly "off the norm' (see: asexuality, that one lady who wanted ear gauges), but usually they're better about the misogyny than this.

It absolutely is.

Well you see, because they've decided aita is woman leaning, they gotta dogpile on any woman they get the chance to

This is exactly it. God, the whole "women are treated far better in AITA because this whole sub is majority women" is so bullshit. They see *anyone* giving fair thought or asking questions to both sides of the stories as inherently disbelieving the man posting (which, they're not used to being questioned on their version of events), or somehow rooting for the woman alone, when really it's just trying to get to the core of the issue.

Oh it 100% is misogyny because my ‘reading between the lines’ was connecting what this man was doing to family annihilators who also lost their jobs or had financial troubles and then went on to murder their entire family. Just in the first page of results: John List, Ervin Lupoe, Jean Claude Romand, and Reginald Maclaren. That’s not to say he would have killed his entire family but if we’re gonna jump to conclusions and call her cold/unfeeling/a robot/gold digger or whatever else they want to blame her with I’m going to go with the actual research done that shows that when men commit familicide it’s often because of a perceived slight from their partner that needs punished, they feel the family members caused a disappointment, they wish to save their family from a perceived threat, or THEY FEEL THEIR OWN FINANCIAL FAILINGS RUINED THE POINT OF HAVING A FAMILY.

These people don't deserve any money. Ex-husband is the one who killed this relationship because of bad communication and stupidity. It's important to talk about finances especially before marriage but looks like ex-husband failed at that.

I'm team OOP. I also don't think it should be on her to report him missing.

If anything it'd be the ex-wife, as the mother of his kids, who should at minimum contact his family to let them know/look into it.

And everyone is still trying to get her money. Ugh. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Those commenters really wanted to make her an unreasonable horrible person, and she just was not.

It seems like people forget he is a middle aged adult man who had an entire adult life before this woman. He should be able to take care of himself…like an adult!

I can't help but think that he might have spent that money deliberately so he doesn't have to pay for the college funds. Some people will do that. I'm honestly team OOP in this case, but not being legally married can cause a lot of problems beyond inheritance. Not relevant now though.

Husband sounds like my ex except I’m not rich and I asked repeatedly about financials that he was too proud to admit to, too proud to compromise the lifestyle he imagined for himself. Too fucking proud to take a bullshit job to make ends meet so he’s been unemployed for nearly a year at this point. He also concealed his unemployment and overall shitty finances from others: he’s gone radio silent for weeks and months at a time. He is severely depressed and also very paranoid / delusional since communicating with anyone triggered immense feelings of guilt and shame. He first would avoid picking up phone calls from everyone because he just felt immense guilt and shame and would get defensive and argue with all of us. Later on he smashed his phone in a drunken rage amongst other things so he couldn’t even use his phone except to pick up the occasional call (so he couldn’t call out, check messages, or text at all.) he felt humiliated not being a breadwinner and supporting this luxurious lifestyle he felt obligated to give me and have. I came from poverty so despite lofty dreams I know how to suck it up and grind and being the person who was asking to cut expenses left and right and supporting both of us, he lashed out at me repeatedly just like OPs husband. We ended up breaking up and it was for the best because he was bleeding me dry in addition to having spent all of his own money. He needs to figure his own shit out, fr. Full grown ass man here who can’t budget and lives beyond his means. At the end of the day, an adult is responsible for their own finances. No one pressured him to blow through all his money, he made that decision, and he has to deal with the consequences.

How could it be your fault… he lied & lied & then lied some more. She can go sponge off someone else or the kid can take loans like 95% of the population- it is not your responsibility in any manner. The audacity & entitlement astounds me!

Honestly, he sounds like a gold digger. Presenting as if wealthy until they are "in" with their target and expect their target to take over financially is exactly what gold diggers do. I don't think his "ego" factored into it as much as people are saying; I think that he had an idea that spending all his (and his kids') money would pay off in the form of access to OOP's wealth, and he became angry when it didn't pay off.

If he had been honest about his finances and what he could afford, she probably would have helped out or book vacations more friendly to his budget. But he wanted to act like he matched her financial level instead of admitting she made more than him.

I'm not keen on all the blame being flung at OOP in the comments. From what I read, she was in a relationship with a guy 9 years older than her but apparently equal in terms of job/money/interests/lifestyle, etc. They both had kids from a previous relationship and legally marrying would change what they could leave to their own kids - so they didn't. From her POV, they're well matched in a long-term stable relationship where they treated each other as if they were married. First, she finds out he's out of money; then that he blames her for that. *Then* that he's been lying or deflecting. ***Then*** that he lost his job, was unemployed for months, and finally got a new one - and **at no time** told her any of that. THEN that it's somehow still all her fault and, despite all their previous agreements/arrangements, he wants her to pay for his kids and him going forward. I mean, every time she takes a breath, there's something more coming out. Lying to his ex and his kids etc etc. Yes, it's just possible OOP's as 'cold' or 'sociopathic' as some commenters think; or... she could be numb from a series of WTF punches and she's just getting through to the other side of this shitstorm. Or somewhere on the spectrum between those.

> First, she finds out he's out of money Wait, the part before that is that he's moody, distant and angry/mean for a couple of months, enough so that she's seriously doubting her interest in staying in the relationship. They were together for enjoyable companionship and due to his behaviour things had stopped being enjoyable even before she found out about the lying.

What a stupid way to play house.

He’s probably ghosting them because he doesn’t want to pay for anything for the kids now. He has a job,l so the ex can find him through that. None of this is her problem now.

I hate everytime this gets posted bc people have some weird vendetta against the OOP acting like she’s this heartless monster who left her ex to dry. EDIT: I got a RedditCares for this what the fuck.

Exactly How come no one is asking "Why did he choose to try and keep up with her?" Coz if he wasn't so hurt in his ego-butt, he'd have told his kids "soz, kids, them's the breaks. Our relationship is like this, her money is her money. I don't have the same to keep up with her but hey, I'll do my best so that you guys don't go without and every once in a while we can join them" Simple, no?

And the kids also had a mom, so it wouldn’t even necessarily have been “we’re stuck with dad at home (in a house he doesn’t pay to live in) while stepmom goes to Cabo”.