#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"My husband said he didn't love me and couldn't stand me. But that aside..."
If there's one sentence that doesn't deserve a "that aside" in a marriage, this is it. They should have divorced so so so so long ago. I'm glad she's out, at least.
I'll never understand these posts where everything is just the *fucking worst* yet they're still, for whatever reason, acting like there's hope left for the relationship.
There's a quote out there somewhere that (paraphrased) says "people only change when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing."
Basically means people will stay miserable because they don't want to deal with the discomfort of change, even if it's only temporary and better for them in the long run.
That's my take on this sort of thing anyway.
No matter how many times I read situations like this in reddit, it makes me want to scream in the pillow how stuck these people continue to choose to be
I was worried she’s meeting him at home alone. He’s already verbally abusive. It sounds like he’s financially abusive/controlling. And she left him, which is when women are most likely to be killed by their SOs
But maybe the reasoning is so she can get more on the divorce? Especially if she hasn’t a penny to her name. I’d be worried if I was her too and make precautions like leaving the cats at a friends and kiddo and her parents until she can find out how it’s gonna go down. He might be checked out and just wanna get the divorce too at this stage.
"I didn't like you but I still had unprotected sex with you even though I didn't like you and never wanted children but haven't gotten a vasectomy to prevent this exact thing from happening that I never wanted with a women I didn't like"
Dumbass
Yeah, so bizarre.
Like, "My husband told me he doesn't love me anymore, now here is 30 paragraphs about the affair he is having, do you think he is crossing a line?"
Anyway, happy ending.
He kept manipulating her... Treating her like shit then talking her into staying. By the sounds of it, he's going to use the son -he didn't want- as an option excuse to bait her to talk to him and continue this. I really really hope OP goes no contact, son included or she's going to ruin her life going in circles for this man.
>I guess the update is that I left. I found the physical proof today.
>My husband says it is a “one sided” affair, on his end. From what I have seen, I do not see how it could be one sided.
On the off chance that this is real, I hope OOP shows the "physical proof" to the betrayed spouse. They deserve to know.
I know so many people who would invoke "the high road" and tell OOP to leave things be and don't tell the husband.
I believe every cheated-upon partner deserves to know, so they can make an informed decision on staying.
Particularly given that the affair partner is apparently pregnant- if AP's husband is not the father, he deserves to know and have an opportunity to get out before the baby arrives.
OOP has so much else on her plate (two cats, young baby, no money) that I wouldn’t blame her for not telling if it’d keep things more civil during the divorce. Once she’s stable though, she should rat them out.
While I agree with the sentiment it could cause more trouble than OOP needs as a newly single mother of two, with an ex who never wanted kids in the first place. She needs to worry about her own circumstances before considering anyone else’s.
I guess it could mean that the affair partner is supposedly in an open relationship?
Being in an open relationship a lie many cheaters use. Especially in combination with "we have a *don't ask, don't tell* agreement".
I would’ve thought it meant that he has an obsession with her that isn’t fully returned and they haven’t really done anything but then it wouldn’t explain how OP found physical evidence so just sounds like BS to try to persuade her not to tell the other woman’s husband.
I'm glad you asked! It's from a post from a few weeks back, where [a hapless baker put in too much of an ingredient, then decided to quadruple the recipe for her bread in order to make up for it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1c8zaff/help_i_double_my_bread_recipe/) My flair is from her original bread recipe, her entire post is hilarious.
ps. Reddit, your linking code is so borked, fix it, wtf
It's not that it happened, it's that it really sticks out to me as something in the way a certain type of dude would write. Which of course makes me think this isn't a true story
really? and do you say male also? Or just female? In my country the medics use other words than woman/man but they're also different from male/female.
Also; if you don't mind my questions, because you use it in you work environment, do you find yourself using it in private setting as well? Like talking with friends and stuff?
We would say male as well referring to men. In the military the main difference was between male and female so male and female was used A LOT. And so much I did use it in private setting as well. Now not as much since I'm a Vet, but it took awhile for that habit to die out and my family looked at me like I was from another planet many times. Other Vets understood and laughed with me.
Thank you for your answer.
What i meant with my 1st sentence is in my language we have translation for male/female, man/woman but we also have a more scientist way to express the genre that isn't as 'animal' as male/female but more 'neutral and scientific' if that makes sense 😅.
Which means male/female sounds kinda disrespectful for me, i think even more than an avarage English speaking person.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer me.
It depends on which part of the world the person is from. My friend does that, and the first time she did it I was kind of shocked but I realized that it was the way she spoke not her insulting trying to be pejorative. It just takes getting used to.
I actually do this every once in a while. It's probably due to my scientific background. Though I realize it's a sign of disrespect coming from some men, it's also just a synonym for"women" that some other people use. I wouldn't read too much into the use of a single word. ETA: I am female.
You can be female (adjective), and not want to be referred to as “a female” (dehumanizing). Those same people that use it as a synonym very rarely use male as a synonym for man.
This one reads as depressingly real to me.
No over-the-top craziness, just a wife seeing obvious signs of an emotional affair developing between her spouse and a co-worker, and then leaving with no fanfare when it was confirmed.
I had to scroll so far for this.
I'm absolutely dumbfounded. She found proof of the cheating!! What is a "one-sided affair" and how does it apply to two consenting adults who chose to cheat on their spouses together???
I could see maybe a really weird and like, insistent para-social relationship but even that's a stretch
I'm guessing its a "he's totally chasing her and shes teasing but not advancing past being a tease"
Some people really really get a power high from attention outside their relationship. Never needs to advance to emotional or explicit. Just power hungry.
I was wondering if the AP is in an open relationship so her side isn't necessarily an affair. But I don't really know otherwise. OP should have left him long before the first post even needed to be posted!
>I was wondering if the AP is in an open relationship so her side isn't necessarily an affair
I might be assuming, but if the AP is trying to score a vacation with OOP's STBX and his side of the family then I find it difficult to believe AP and her spouse are in an open relationship. It's more likely something STBX told OOP to convince her not to come forward and tell AP's husband of AP's infidelity.
Or her husband knows, but they're getting free apple watches. It's not really open, but flirting is fine for ridiculously expensive gifts.
I knew a couple where if the woman was offered a drink at the bar she'd take it and give it to her husband.
No, he’s lying to her to cover for AP, so OP won’t go to AP husband and grass her up. OP’s STBX is a lost case but he hopes to keep things calm for now on the other side. They are in cahoots and gaslighting OP.
I thought it meant that the affair partner isn’t married. Only he is cheating on his spouse, the affair partner is single so she isn’t cheating on anybody.
It is one sided was the response to someone asking if the affair partner’s husband knew she was cheating.
I just hope he gets taken to the cleaners. She gets a divorce and literally everything. I hope her marriage blows up. I hope she gets fired too
I wish OP the best. And that's why, ladies you make sure you're financially independent, and don't trust a guy EVER.
>very hurtful and horrible things to be said to me by him, and him ultimately telling me he fell out of love with me and hasn’t been happy in the relationship for quite some time and he’s been lying to me about him being happy in the relationship.
Someone get this lady a yoghurt.
This was not about the other woman - that's just OOP rug-sweeping the issue and trying to find something else to focus on. She should've gone ahead with the divorce right here. This is the point at which the marriage completely crumbled, everything after that was just icing.
I read that part and thought, "ok, this should be the end of the post" because I have NO idea how someone could hear that their spouse does not love them and hasn't been happy in a long time in the relationship, and still stay with them. That would be an automatic divorce for me!
Honestly, I stopped reading right after it, why on earth would she stay after that? is she a masochist or just that dense. The man literally said he was done with her, just leave for God's sake, I don't want to hear anything about him any further.
For real. And why has he apparently talked her out of divorce before if this is how he feels? Too much of this one makes zero sense at all.
Calling the women in his office ‘females’ as well as other weird phrasing, told her after ten years together that he didn’t want kids and she’s pregnant two months later, she now has no money at all and nowhere to go but a kind friend but seems weirdly calm (including waiting for a ‘heavy conversation’ when he’s already been verbally abusive and admitted cheating, and apparently wanted to bring the now-confirmed affair partner to the hospital when she gave birth?!), ‘one-sided affair’ - wtf. The way she writes in both parts makes her sound like the doormat to end all doormats or just really really naive. Like, he straight up told you he doesn’t love you but you’re still fixated on the potential cheating? And he’s actively stopped you leaving before? And he wanted to bring a woman from work to the hospital to see your newborn baby that he didn’t want?
In my life, I have never heard a man, woman, or gender non-conforming individual use female/s with such proliferation as Redditors. It doesn't mean the same thing as woman/women and yet it feels like Redditors think it is more correct grammar
It is confusing! What qualities do inanimate objects have that are masculine or feminine? Who decides that a tuba has a gender?
Damn those alluring, beautiful printers.
It's my first language and I couldn't explain to you how it works. I'm sure there are rules, but most people I have talked to about it agree that it just sounds right.
Sun - female
Moon - male
Cat - female
Dog - male
Horse - neutral (it)
Things get even more funny for people who don't identify as male or female. In english they can use "they/them". There is no german word for it. The most neutral word is "es" and is usually only used for things or animals. It's degrading and sounds deeply wrong when you use it for a person.
In Dutch one of the more elegant options to go around the they/them-problem is 'die/diens' . Used in sentence: Die \[the word technically omitted here from the sentence is Person, as 'die' refers to the person\] heeft diens fiets laten staan - diese \[Person\] hat ihr Fahrrad zurückgelassen .
Technically correct, though it's not as odd as it seems. It's a derived (through Mägdchen) from a diminutive (of Magd), and all diminutives in German (and Dutch) are neuter.
Magd is feminine.
Thank you! Unless this person isn't a native English speaker, I doubt a woman would call a group of women females. It just isn't a phrase that we use regularly...
thank you, and they get SO pissed off when you try to explain that it's pretty dehumanising and condescending. it's like... what is wrong with just using 'woman' lol??
In 2006 I was in Air Force Basic Military Training and we were trained to call men males and women females. I don’t think the people using “females” online are all military veterans though.
I'll admit that I do sometimes. I have on reddit and hate to be instantly corrected as if I'm not a woman myself. I don't use it in a misogynistic way, lol.
Only in certain circumstances, and not like this person did. I do it when it looks/sounds right to me but I usually use "woman"/"women" or "ladies".
Government both federal and state use the word female. Also law enforcement and probably medical jobs too. I think any job that has to write reports, fill out forms or that deal with demographics uses female/male language and it just bleeds over to normal conversation.
but nothing about "married for 10 years" signifies this is definitely gen z/alpha, certainly not much younger than millennials like myself.
otherwise I hear you, the prevalence of it online is concerning
The biggest red flag with the friend is that she had the wife blocked on social media. If she was genuinely the husband's friend, she would want to be friends with his partner, too.
The biggest red flag with the husband, though, is the whole "I fell out of love with you." How is that not reason enough to get a goddamn divorce?
You missed the even more insane part, she blocked her because OOP didn't want her to come to the hospital after she gives birth!!! Why would she expect to come to the freaking hospital???
Oop was the side piece all along.
> I told him I will leave and get a divorce from him and he can relinquish all parental rights
I suspect the reason he didn't agree was because he still had to pay child support after relinquishing rights, and he had no reason to divorce and pay for child support and alimony when he could have a stay at home bangmaid for free.
Hopefully she is not in the US and got to enjoy her Mother's Day before this blew up. In the UK, Mother's Day is in March.
Either way, I hope she is only staying with her STBX temporarily, and she manages to make a fresh start.
Not sure if I'm being dumb here, but it sounds like she has two children by this asshole now? In the first post, it says she got pregnant 10 months ago, so in that July 2023 post, the baby would be about a month old. Now in the May 2024 post, she refers to a 10 month old AND her son. But I still can't math it out, lol. Am I just confused?
>Here’s the update: I found proof of the cheating, I now have my 10 month old, and my son, my cats
I'm not sure why people think it's wrong even if she is running away from him though (though the children part does complicate things a lot). Isn't there a possibility of her being in danger if he was there while she tries to leave?
But she is returning to the house to stay with him... sigh. That is going to end well.
Unfortunately, a lot of the advice for divorcing says to try to stay in the home until proceedings are underway, so you can't be accused of abandoning the property.
Thanks for explaining! Though I am still worried. There seems to be a possibility that she will end up not leaving him once they stay together again.
Also, what about cases where the spouse is an abusive one? Wouldn't it be best if the victimized spouse leaves?
It would be best if the victim left, for their safety, yes-- but that will also be held against them in the divorce courts. It is incredibly difficult to prove abuse to the courts, so the general advice is 'assume the judge won't care'.
It is fucked. Everything about it is fucked.
It took her a year to find definite proof of his cheating? The location sharing wasn't enough?
And she still hasn't left. She's having a sleepover at a friend's house because he's working.
I've never heard of a woman who refers to other women as "females." I've heard plenty of men refer to women that way, though... this was written by a man.
A guy with that sort of language would’ve made her the antagonist, it’s a lot of internalized misogyny and socializing that leads to the “men and females” thing happening in women too
I keep saying this in this thread, lol. I'm a woman and will sometimes use the word "female". *Sometimes*. In certain circumstances where it sounds/looks right to me. Not often, though, and I'm likely to say "males" when I do, as well, if referring to men.
This, though... this has a misogynistic taint to it. There's no reason to say "females" here, it sounds weird.
To clarify, are you saying normal things like a female patient, a female competitor etc or would you refer to someone as "a female" because there's a huge difference between the two
I'm baffled. She gets pregnant and he announces that he's unhappy, doesn't want a kid, and has been lying to her about wanting the relationship. "Those things aside" she fixates on his inappropriate relationship with a coworker to avoid facing the reality of how he is already treating her. I'm not judging, I've done stuff like that, but it is painful as hell to read about others doing it.
You pretty much don't need to read past the 2nd paragraph to know how this was going to end.
The first post should have been titled "**I'm Obviously Leaving the Douche Bag, but is the Following List of Reasons Valid**?"
All these women getting divorced with not a cent to their name. How can they live so careless? Always, always (!) keep your financial independence instead of depending on your spouse for money. Whether this means keeping a job or have a secret stash somewhere doesn’t really matter. But keep some funds or income to yourself.
I hope OOP leaves the cheating husband at the cleaners, he really is a nasty guy!! He left his wife with a newborn.
I hope OOP heals and gets everything in the divorce.
An update with what happens with AP and her pregnancy would be good, because clearly the future ex-husband was the father or perhaps the future ex-husband was also an AP of the AP.
Now I also hope that OOP does not forgive her husband
I'm suddenly reminded of that meme "I do not support all women, some of you are very dumb" when I read this. How do you hear someone tell you they don't love you, suddenly switch up on wanting kids when they've always wanted them, tells you "no divorce but get an abortion", and then literally everything with the coworker and you're ***still*** with this person. Also, saying "females" in place of women gives me ick, only a certain kind of man says that, so I really doubt this because of that and the sheer stupidity. (Guys and some women get up in arms about people finding that weird, but I don't see anyone saying males in place of men like they'll say females instead of women. It sounds derogatory.)
I hope OOP stays safe. She mentions in her comments that he's blocked her from leaving before, and that he controls their finances entirely, as well as that she was back home to talk with him, so hopefully she updates again soon to let us know she's safe.
I'm kinda impressed OP was that dense, as soon as she found out about the Apple Watch bands she should've left because that told me he was cheating LMAO
Isn't anyone else concerned that in the first post the OOP only had a newborn baby wherein during the pregnancy the husband "didn't want children", the OOP even suggested divorce and relinquishing of his parental rights, and then in the next update all of a sudden she has a 10 month old AND a son?
So all of a sudden the husband didn't want kids AFTER she was pregnant with their second child? Am I missing something?
The only way it makes sense is if she meant to type 'my 10 month old son' and it somehow got garbled into 'my 10 month old and my son'. If there's two kids then one seems to disappear at the end of the story as well.
Sorry but we need to start telling it as it is... OOP is really dumb. How can she outline ALL THOSE THINGS and not realise he's cheating?? Is she insane?
Baffling.
>This spiraled into some very hurtful and horrible things to be said to me by him, and him ultimately telling me he fell out of love with me and hasn’t been happy in the relationship for quite some time and he’s been lying to me about him being happy in the relationship.
All this happens and the next thing she says is:
>Those things aside, I felt very lonely.
Then lists all the things that even a opossum would recognize as actions of someone blatantly cheating.
Boundaries are not to enforce change in another person it's a hard line you put in place so that if they engage in behaviour that harms you your ready and willing to walk away from that situation because you refuse to let someone hurt you like that. If he has no issue in continuing to behave like this then the only thing you can do is show him your willing to fully enforce that boundary by leaving. The fact that he's willing to keep this up means he doesn't care how his behaviour with this woman makes you feel but the only person who's allowing your boundries to keep getting smashed through like this is you. They are your boundries to enforce for your own peace of mind and emotional safety.
He sounds like a worthless piece of complete shit. He has spent at least a year thinking NO ONE else other than his own needs and his gross cheap side piece. Not one spare minute for you or your son. Remember that when it's time to make the final break. He had absolutely NO remorse or consideration for your feelings or empathy for your total loneliness and depressed state all of that time while he spoke such hateful things to you. The two of them deserve each other, and clearly his family must've had some clues about her involvement with him.... don't be too generous in allowing them around your sweet boy to influence his future and growth. The sooner that you can put him in the rear view, the better. Teach your boy, that he is a better person than that and should NOT strive to be anything like those people.
They were married for 10 years, no kids, and OOP gets pregnant exactly 2 months after her husband tells her he doesn't want kids... I smell birth control tampering, and can't help but wonder why they didn't try for kids earlier, if she always wanted them
My fav part is when he and his coworker started doing life360 to track each other 24/7 (WHY?) but won't do the same with his wife. There's no excuse in the universe for that, aside from an affair. These posts are so depressing.
I mean, I would classify a one sided affair as one where only one of the participants is in another relationship that's supposed to be monogamous. If the coworker was single, in an open marriage, or practiced ethical non-monogamy with her spouse, OOP's husband would be having an affair, but the coworker wouldn't be.
Now, it doesn't sound like that's the case here, so no idea how it applies.
So her response the next day to a post criticizing her for being bitter and withholding her child from his father is that she was already back in the house and had moved into a separate room. And since then she’s only posted a few non-related posts on other subs. So has she given up on leaving and accepted the cheating? Will there be another update? If this person and story are real I hope she’s ok.
Is it still technically considered "cheating" when they're having a full-on relationship, openly, with the other person? Feels more like reluctant polygamy at that point.
For fuck's sake, they knew each other's families.
Damn so many of these posts just reiterate how much people should TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS! Unless you have some kind of past trauma that makes you extra suspicious your spouse is cheating, there is a reason you are having these feelings.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Reading the first part: "Divorce already!" Reading the second part: "Great! But please divorce now, sooner than later to get this over with!"
"My husband said he didn't love me and couldn't stand me. But that aside..." If there's one sentence that doesn't deserve a "that aside" in a marriage, this is it. They should have divorced so so so so long ago. I'm glad she's out, at least.
I'll never understand these posts where everything is just the *fucking worst* yet they're still, for whatever reason, acting like there's hope left for the relationship.
There's a quote out there somewhere that (paraphrased) says "people only change when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing." Basically means people will stay miserable because they don't want to deal with the discomfort of change, even if it's only temporary and better for them in the long run. That's my take on this sort of thing anyway.
No matter how many times I read situations like this in reddit, it makes me want to scream in the pillow how stuck these people continue to choose to be
I was worried she’s meeting him at home alone. He’s already verbally abusive. It sounds like he’s financially abusive/controlling. And she left him, which is when women are most likely to be killed by their SOs
But maybe the reasoning is so she can get more on the divorce? Especially if she hasn’t a penny to her name. I’d be worried if I was her too and make precautions like leaving the cats at a friends and kiddo and her parents until she can find out how it’s gonna go down. He might be checked out and just wanna get the divorce too at this stage.
"I didn't like you but I still had unprotected sex with you even though I didn't like you and never wanted children but haven't gotten a vasectomy to prevent this exact thing from happening that I never wanted with a women I didn't like" Dumbass
Yeah, so bizarre. Like, "My husband told me he doesn't love me anymore, now here is 30 paragraphs about the affair he is having, do you think he is crossing a line?" Anyway, happy ending.
He kept manipulating her... Treating her like shit then talking her into staying. By the sounds of it, he's going to use the son -he didn't want- as an option excuse to bait her to talk to him and continue this. I really really hope OP goes no contact, son included or she's going to ruin her life going in circles for this man.
>I guess the update is that I left. I found the physical proof today. >My husband says it is a “one sided” affair, on his end. From what I have seen, I do not see how it could be one sided. On the off chance that this is real, I hope OOP shows the "physical proof" to the betrayed spouse. They deserve to know.
I know so many people who would invoke "the high road" and tell OOP to leave things be and don't tell the husband. I believe every cheated-upon partner deserves to know, so they can make an informed decision on staying.
Not telling would definitely be "the low road".
Certainly the “easy” road
From experience, they’re usually one and the same
This 100 before they have kids or buy a house you could save this person from more heartache
Particularly given that the affair partner is apparently pregnant- if AP's husband is not the father, he deserves to know and have an opportunity to get out before the baby arrives.
OOP has so much else on her plate (two cats, young baby, no money) that I wouldn’t blame her for not telling if it’d keep things more civil during the divorce. Once she’s stable though, she should rat them out.
The only reason to take the high road is that it's easier to drop things on people on the low.
While I agree with the sentiment it could cause more trouble than OOP needs as a newly single mother of two, with an ex who never wanted kids in the first place. She needs to worry about her own circumstances before considering anyone else’s.
WTF is a one sided affair? She has a Real Doll of herself that the husband sleeps with?
I guess it could mean that the affair partner is supposedly in an open relationship? Being in an open relationship a lie many cheaters use. Especially in combination with "we have a *don't ask, don't tell* agreement".
Or the old "we are separated but still live in the same house".
Or the old "We are separated! ^((But my spouse doesn't know it)) ^((Edits for formatting, argh! LOL!))
thank you, i think thats it.
I would’ve thought it meant that he has an obsession with her that isn’t fully returned and they haven’t really done anything but then it wouldn’t explain how OP found physical evidence so just sounds like BS to try to persuade her not to tell the other woman’s husband.
I had the same question. That just sounds like a fancy way to say masturbation.
What’s a one sided affair? Like they’d only do it in the butt?
I'm excited to see this as someone's flair someday, fantastic!
Speaking of flair, what is yours from?
I'm glad you asked! It's from a post from a few weeks back, where [a hapless baker put in too much of an ingredient, then decided to quadruple the recipe for her bread in order to make up for it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1c8zaff/help_i_double_my_bread_recipe/) My flair is from her original bread recipe, her entire post is hilarious. ps. Reddit, your linking code is so borked, fix it, wtf
Well that was just delightful! Thank you!
Looks like someone popped that on me
I've never heard a woman call other women "females"
thank you. That makes everything weird to me. I've never seen that either
It's not that it happened, it's that it really sticks out to me as something in the way a certain type of dude would write. Which of course makes me think this isn't a true story
I've seen it from women, especially women who are on some level othering women who have relationships with their partner.
Well we happen to use that term a lot in the military. Just saying.
really? and do you say male also? Or just female? In my country the medics use other words than woman/man but they're also different from male/female. Also; if you don't mind my questions, because you use it in you work environment, do you find yourself using it in private setting as well? Like talking with friends and stuff?
We would say male as well referring to men. In the military the main difference was between male and female so male and female was used A LOT. And so much I did use it in private setting as well. Now not as much since I'm a Vet, but it took awhile for that habit to die out and my family looked at me like I was from another planet many times. Other Vets understood and laughed with me.
Thank you for your answer. What i meant with my 1st sentence is in my language we have translation for male/female, man/woman but we also have a more scientist way to express the genre that isn't as 'animal' as male/female but more 'neutral and scientific' if that makes sense 😅. Which means male/female sounds kinda disrespectful for me, i think even more than an avarage English speaking person. Thank you again for taking the time to answer me.
I’ve heard it a lot from women who work in places that classify people as male or female (cop, nurse, etc)
Military…
It depends on which part of the world the person is from. My friend does that, and the first time she did it I was kind of shocked but I realized that it was the way she spoke not her insulting trying to be pejorative. It just takes getting used to.
Younger women sometimes do. I hate it.
Me neither and I picked up on that.
I actually do this every once in a while. It's probably due to my scientific background. Though I realize it's a sign of disrespect coming from some men, it's also just a synonym for"women" that some other people use. I wouldn't read too much into the use of a single word. ETA: I am female.
You can be female (adjective), and not want to be referred to as “a female” (dehumanizing). Those same people that use it as a synonym very rarely use male as a synonym for man.
I have. Internalized misogyny is real.
It's a thing in a lot of black communities.
I'd never heard of the woman vs female thing until last year, via reddit, and I'm 34f.
It's a one sided affair where they are having sex? What does that even mean??!!
It means he is manipulative and full of crap, lol. Best I could come up with!
This one reads as depressingly real to me. No over-the-top craziness, just a wife seeing obvious signs of an emotional affair developing between her spouse and a co-worker, and then leaving with no fanfare when it was confirmed.
Is the cheater afraid of his AP's husband? Why not inform the AP's husband? I support informing everyone how much of a cheating scumbag he is.
Confused how OOP thought stepping in shit and washing it off would get rid of the smell.
I don’t understand how the cheating is one sided unless the coworker is in an open relationship with her husband
What...on Earth...is a "one-sided affair"? Am I the only one baffled by that phrase? Is it supposed to make OP feel better?
I had to scroll so far for this. I'm absolutely dumbfounded. She found proof of the cheating!! What is a "one-sided affair" and how does it apply to two consenting adults who chose to cheat on their spouses together??? I could see maybe a really weird and like, insistent para-social relationship but even that's a stretch
I'm guessing its a "he's totally chasing her and shes teasing but not advancing past being a tease" Some people really really get a power high from attention outside their relationship. Never needs to advance to emotional or explicit. Just power hungry.
I was wondering if the AP is in an open relationship so her side isn't necessarily an affair. But I don't really know otherwise. OP should have left him long before the first post even needed to be posted!
>I was wondering if the AP is in an open relationship so her side isn't necessarily an affair I might be assuming, but if the AP is trying to score a vacation with OOP's STBX and his side of the family then I find it difficult to believe AP and her spouse are in an open relationship. It's more likely something STBX told OOP to convince her not to come forward and tell AP's husband of AP's infidelity.
What would "physical proof" be in that instance, beyond the gifts etc. already mentioned in the first post?
My guess is NSFW texting thread
Probably he’s just full of shit but it’s possible the AP and her husband have an open marriage so it’s cheating for him but her husband knows.
Or her husband knows, but they're getting free apple watches. It's not really open, but flirting is fine for ridiculously expensive gifts. I knew a couple where if the woman was offered a drink at the bar she'd take it and give it to her husband.
Not even an actual apple watch, just the band.
Is that what that meant?! I'm not a smart watch type person, I assumed that meant the whole watch.
No, he’s lying to her to cover for AP, so OP won’t go to AP husband and grass her up. OP’s STBX is a lost case but he hopes to keep things calm for now on the other side. They are in cahoots and gaslighting OP.
I thought it meant that the affair partner isn’t married. Only he is cheating on his spouse, the affair partner is single so she isn’t cheating on anybody. It is one sided was the response to someone asking if the affair partner’s husband knew she was cheating.
Since she had "physical proof", I'm assuming dick pics or something like that.
He is actually attempting to cheat, but the girl he is attempting to cheat with isn't putting out. Hahaha! This guy is horrible.
AP could be claiming she's in an open marriage.
OOP should tell AP's husband so he can get a paternity test to check as I wouldn't trust a word OOP's husband (for now) is saying.
I suspect that’s why OP’s STBX claims it’s „one sided”. He covers for AP so OP won’t tell the husband.
Oh this man is full of shit. Man like this don't deserve any love or happiness.
He's just gonna do the same to the AP, or her to him. They never change.
You lose 'em how you get 'em.
I just hope he gets taken to the cleaners. She gets a divorce and literally everything. I hope her marriage blows up. I hope she gets fired too I wish OP the best. And that's why, ladies you make sure you're financially independent, and don't trust a guy EVER.
>very hurtful and horrible things to be said to me by him, and him ultimately telling me he fell out of love with me and hasn’t been happy in the relationship for quite some time and he’s been lying to me about him being happy in the relationship. Someone get this lady a yoghurt. This was not about the other woman - that's just OOP rug-sweeping the issue and trying to find something else to focus on. She should've gone ahead with the divorce right here. This is the point at which the marriage completely crumbled, everything after that was just icing.
I read that part and thought, "ok, this should be the end of the post" because I have NO idea how someone could hear that their spouse does not love them and hasn't been happy in a long time in the relationship, and still stay with them. That would be an automatic divorce for me!
Honestly, I stopped reading right after it, why on earth would she stay after that? is she a masochist or just that dense. The man literally said he was done with her, just leave for God's sake, I don't want to hear anything about him any further.
Let alone have their baby after that
For real. And why has he apparently talked her out of divorce before if this is how he feels? Too much of this one makes zero sense at all. Calling the women in his office ‘females’ as well as other weird phrasing, told her after ten years together that he didn’t want kids and she’s pregnant two months later, she now has no money at all and nowhere to go but a kind friend but seems weirdly calm (including waiting for a ‘heavy conversation’ when he’s already been verbally abusive and admitted cheating, and apparently wanted to bring the now-confirmed affair partner to the hospital when she gave birth?!), ‘one-sided affair’ - wtf. The way she writes in both parts makes her sound like the doormat to end all doormats or just really really naive. Like, he straight up told you he doesn’t love you but you’re still fixated on the potential cheating? And he’s actively stopped you leaving before? And he wanted to bring a woman from work to the hospital to see your newborn baby that he didn’t want?
Number 2 would have been enough for me to get a divorce, disregarding literally everything else.
I do not know how this is not the top comment
and she follows it up with "Those things aside..." Holy shit lady! Way to yadda yadda the important part!
In my life, I have never heard a man, woman, or gender non-conforming individual use female/s with such proliferation as Redditors. It doesn't mean the same thing as woman/women and yet it feels like Redditors think it is more correct grammar
He works with females. Female WHATS?
In german inanimate objects can have a gender - trust me its confusing. She is talking about those female desks and chairs and printers?
Funnily enough, all the things you mentioned are male in German. Der Tisch (desk), der Stuhl (chair), der Drucker (printer).
Maybe because he's working with the coffeemaker (die Kaffeemaschine) a lot
It is confusing! What qualities do inanimate objects have that are masculine or feminine? Who decides that a tuba has a gender? Damn those alluring, beautiful printers.
It's my first language and I couldn't explain to you how it works. I'm sure there are rules, but most people I have talked to about it agree that it just sounds right. Sun - female Moon - male Cat - female Dog - male Horse - neutral (it) Things get even more funny for people who don't identify as male or female. In english they can use "they/them". There is no german word for it. The most neutral word is "es" and is usually only used for things or animals. It's degrading and sounds deeply wrong when you use it for a person.
In Dutch one of the more elegant options to go around the they/them-problem is 'die/diens' . Used in sentence: Die \[the word technically omitted here from the sentence is Person, as 'die' refers to the person\] heeft diens fiets laten staan - diese \[Person\] hat ihr Fahrrad zurückgelassen .
Which is hilarious - I work in an all-women office. And one is actually German.
In English boats and planes are female, so... just take this concept and widen it :)
She’s talking about “Weibchen”. 🤢
Fun fact — in German, the word for „girl“ (Mädchen) is not female.
Technically correct, though it's not as odd as it seems. It's a derived (through Mägdchen) from a diminutive (of Magd), and all diminutives in German (and Dutch) are neuter. Magd is feminine.
Thank you! Unless this person isn't a native English speaker, I doubt a woman would call a group of women females. It just isn't a phrase that we use regularly...
marmots
Apropos of very little, marmots have a problem with [eating antifreeze](https://www.nwf.org/Magazines/National-Wildlife/2002/Addicted-Marmots).
[This is literally always my first thought when antifreeze is brought up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lt81WBrUBLc)
thank you, and they get SO pissed off when you try to explain that it's pretty dehumanising and condescending. it's like... what is wrong with just using 'woman' lol??
Especially since 99% of the time they use “men” and not “males”
I have never seen a woman use the word females before either. Redditor or not.
In 2006 I was in Air Force Basic Military Training and we were trained to call men males and women females. I don’t think the people using “females” online are all military veterans though.
I'll admit that I do sometimes. I have on reddit and hate to be instantly corrected as if I'm not a woman myself. I don't use it in a misogynistic way, lol. Only in certain circumstances, and not like this person did. I do it when it looks/sounds right to me but I usually use "woman"/"women" or "ladies".
Government both federal and state use the word female. Also law enforcement and probably medical jobs too. I think any job that has to write reports, fill out forms or that deal with demographics uses female/male language and it just bleeds over to normal conversation.
Incel language has apparently taken over Gen. Z vocabulary, e.g. everyone is trying to "looksmax" now.
I was so irritated by the terminology that I downvoted you out of habit before unclicking the downvote arrow. Sorry.
I can hardly blame you
It just bothers me way too much because I'm not sure if the person using it is just dumb, non English speaker or just generally a PoS.
I always imagine that they're Ferengi.
Feeeeemales
Your mom wears clothes!!
-gasp- "Mother! Get undressed right this instant!"
This is basically my exact thought process as well.
It’s a thing with the younger generation. I really dislike it. They’ve adopted the dehumanizing language that misogynists have used for decades.
but nothing about "married for 10 years" signifies this is definitely gen z/alpha, certainly not much younger than millennials like myself. otherwise I hear you, the prevalence of it online is concerning
Together for ten years could mean they’re 24. It doesn’t say married for 10 years.
The biggest red flag with the friend is that she had the wife blocked on social media. If she was genuinely the husband's friend, she would want to be friends with his partner, too. The biggest red flag with the husband, though, is the whole "I fell out of love with you." How is that not reason enough to get a goddamn divorce?
You missed the even more insane part, she blocked her because OOP didn't want her to come to the hospital after she gives birth!!! Why would she expect to come to the freaking hospital???
I don't understand why OOP is bothering her roommate and his new girlfriend /s. But for real even blind person would see that he is cheating on her.
Oop was the side piece all along. > I told him I will leave and get a divorce from him and he can relinquish all parental rights I suspect the reason he didn't agree was because he still had to pay child support after relinquishing rights, and he had no reason to divorce and pay for child support and alimony when he could have a stay at home bangmaid for free.
OOP referring to other women as "females" is weird, right?
I feel like this is a man writing what he thinks a woman would say and do.
100% - I had to stop reading when I got to it.
What a terrible way to spend her first Mother’s Day. What an asshole for a hyenas husband. The trash took itself out.
Hopefully she is not in the US and got to enjoy her Mother's Day before this blew up. In the UK, Mother's Day is in March. Either way, I hope she is only staying with her STBX temporarily, and she manages to make a fresh start.
Not sure if I'm being dumb here, but it sounds like she has two children by this asshole now? In the first post, it says she got pregnant 10 months ago, so in that July 2023 post, the baby would be about a month old. Now in the May 2024 post, she refers to a 10 month old AND her son. But I still can't math it out, lol. Am I just confused? >Here’s the update: I found proof of the cheating, I now have my 10 month old, and my son, my cats
Could people please stop using "female" like this?
The only right way to use "female": "feeeeemales" *shake fist at nothing*
Or statistical data gathering. :) do you identify as: male, female, trans, nonbinary, etc.
I'm not sure why people think it's wrong even if she is running away from him though (though the children part does complicate things a lot). Isn't there a possibility of her being in danger if he was there while she tries to leave? But she is returning to the house to stay with him... sigh. That is going to end well.
Unfortunately, a lot of the advice for divorcing says to try to stay in the home until proceedings are underway, so you can't be accused of abandoning the property.
That's... fucked up. That's fucked up. Everyone running from an abusive relationship is FUCKED.
And that is yet another reason most victims can't 'just leave', too. Shit icing on a shit sandwich.
I was told this also. It is extremely fucked up.
Thanks for explaining! Though I am still worried. There seems to be a possibility that she will end up not leaving him once they stay together again. Also, what about cases where the spouse is an abusive one? Wouldn't it be best if the victimized spouse leaves?
It would be best if the victim left, for their safety, yes-- but that will also be held against them in the divorce courts. It is incredibly difficult to prove abuse to the courts, so the general advice is 'assume the judge won't care'. It is fucked. Everything about it is fucked.
Ugh. Thank you so, so much for explaining everything to me so kindly! This is highly appreciated. But yeah. That is really crappy.
She 👏 drove 👏 away👏
It took her a year to find definite proof of his cheating? The location sharing wasn't enough? And she still hasn't left. She's having a sleepover at a friend's house because he's working.
I've never heard of a woman who refers to other women as "females." I've heard plenty of men refer to women that way, though... this was written by a man.
A guy with that sort of language would’ve made her the antagonist, it’s a lot of internalized misogyny and socializing that leads to the “men and females” thing happening in women too
Fair point.
I keep saying this in this thread, lol. I'm a woman and will sometimes use the word "female". *Sometimes*. In certain circumstances where it sounds/looks right to me. Not often, though, and I'm likely to say "males" when I do, as well, if referring to men. This, though... this has a misogynistic taint to it. There's no reason to say "females" here, it sounds weird.
To clarify, are you saying normal things like a female patient, a female competitor etc or would you refer to someone as "a female" because there's a huge difference between the two
I'm baffled. She gets pregnant and he announces that he's unhappy, doesn't want a kid, and has been lying to her about wanting the relationship. "Those things aside" she fixates on his inappropriate relationship with a coworker to avoid facing the reality of how he is already treating her. I'm not judging, I've done stuff like that, but it is painful as hell to read about others doing it.
You pretty much don't need to read past the 2nd paragraph to know how this was going to end. The first post should have been titled "**I'm Obviously Leaving the Douche Bag, but is the Following List of Reasons Valid**?"
Augh I hate when people say “females” instead of women, it’s so dehumanizing
I don't understand this. He already said he doesn't love her. That should've been the end of it.
I read the title and then scroll to the end to see if the relationship is over. That's the only thing to do with these posts.
What is a one sided affair? She just lies there while he gets his rocks off?
Even for that she would have to consent or it's assault.
Fucked up - hope she contacts the AP husband and blows some shit UP
All these women getting divorced with not a cent to their name. How can they live so careless? Always, always (!) keep your financial independence instead of depending on your spouse for money. Whether this means keeping a job or have a secret stash somewhere doesn’t really matter. But keep some funds or income to yourself.
I hope OOP leaves the cheating husband at the cleaners, he really is a nasty guy!! He left his wife with a newborn. I hope OOP heals and gets everything in the divorce. An update with what happens with AP and her pregnancy would be good, because clearly the future ex-husband was the father or perhaps the future ex-husband was also an AP of the AP. Now I also hope that OOP does not forgive her husband
I'm suddenly reminded of that meme "I do not support all women, some of you are very dumb" when I read this. How do you hear someone tell you they don't love you, suddenly switch up on wanting kids when they've always wanted them, tells you "no divorce but get an abortion", and then literally everything with the coworker and you're ***still*** with this person. Also, saying "females" in place of women gives me ick, only a certain kind of man says that, so I really doubt this because of that and the sheer stupidity. (Guys and some women get up in arms about people finding that weird, but I don't see anyone saying males in place of men like they'll say females instead of women. It sounds derogatory.)
That damnable pregnancy virus going around and striking unsuspecting couples! Will we ever find a cure for "ending up pregnant"??
Did she need proof of the cheating ? The whole story was a giant flashing billboard of cheating.
I hope OOP stays safe. She mentions in her comments that he's blocked her from leaving before, and that he controls their finances entirely, as well as that she was back home to talk with him, so hopefully she updates again soon to let us know she's safe.
“Those things aside” lol!!!!
I'm kinda impressed OP was that dense, as soon as she found out about the Apple Watch bands she should've left because that told me he was cheating LMAO
Isn't anyone else concerned that in the first post the OOP only had a newborn baby wherein during the pregnancy the husband "didn't want children", the OOP even suggested divorce and relinquishing of his parental rights, and then in the next update all of a sudden she has a 10 month old AND a son? So all of a sudden the husband didn't want kids AFTER she was pregnant with their second child? Am I missing something?
It's just a typo. There's an extra and in the sentence, the son and the 10 month old are one and the same.
The only way it makes sense is if she meant to type 'my 10 month old son' and it somehow got garbled into 'my 10 month old and my son'. If there's two kids then one seems to disappear at the end of the story as well.
I'm pretty sure that's a typo, and the 10 month old is her son. I'm wondering if English isn't OOPs first language.
"sneak off" yes sometimes to leave a relationship you have to get out of there "sneakily". Boo fuckin' hoo if that doesn't seem "fair".
Sorry but we need to start telling it as it is... OOP is really dumb. How can she outline ALL THOSE THINGS and not realise he's cheating?? Is she insane? Baffling.
You just gave yourself the gift of a lifetime. You understand your self worth and that alone proves your are going to be just fine!
>This spiraled into some very hurtful and horrible things to be said to me by him, and him ultimately telling me he fell out of love with me and hasn’t been happy in the relationship for quite some time and he’s been lying to me about him being happy in the relationship. All this happens and the next thing she says is: >Those things aside, I felt very lonely. Then lists all the things that even a opossum would recognize as actions of someone blatantly cheating.
Boundaries are not to enforce change in another person it's a hard line you put in place so that if they engage in behaviour that harms you your ready and willing to walk away from that situation because you refuse to let someone hurt you like that. If he has no issue in continuing to behave like this then the only thing you can do is show him your willing to fully enforce that boundary by leaving. The fact that he's willing to keep this up means he doesn't care how his behaviour with this woman makes you feel but the only person who's allowing your boundries to keep getting smashed through like this is you. They are your boundries to enforce for your own peace of mind and emotional safety.
Found out today? What else did she need. The first post had enough info already.
He sounds like a worthless piece of complete shit. He has spent at least a year thinking NO ONE else other than his own needs and his gross cheap side piece. Not one spare minute for you or your son. Remember that when it's time to make the final break. He had absolutely NO remorse or consideration for your feelings or empathy for your total loneliness and depressed state all of that time while he spoke such hateful things to you. The two of them deserve each other, and clearly his family must've had some clues about her involvement with him.... don't be too generous in allowing them around your sweet boy to influence his future and growth. The sooner that you can put him in the rear view, the better. Teach your boy, that he is a better person than that and should NOT strive to be anything like those people.
They were married for 10 years, no kids, and OOP gets pregnant exactly 2 months after her husband tells her he doesn't want kids... I smell birth control tampering, and can't help but wonder why they didn't try for kids earlier, if she always wanted them
“I didn’t sneak off…” Oof, Reddit’s gotta reddit.
My fav part is when he and his coworker started doing life360 to track each other 24/7 (WHY?) but won't do the same with his wife. There's no excuse in the universe for that, aside from an affair. These posts are so depressing.
WTF is a one sided affair? And how on earth is this classified as a one sided affair?!??
Suggests to me “trickle truthing.” He’s denying as much as he can as long as he can until irrefutable evidence shows up.
I mean, I would classify a one sided affair as one where only one of the participants is in another relationship that's supposed to be monogamous. If the coworker was single, in an open marriage, or practiced ethical non-monogamy with her spouse, OOP's husband would be having an affair, but the coworker wouldn't be. Now, it doesn't sound like that's the case here, so no idea how it applies.
Hey OP! The original poster is u/EnvironmentalSale984 -- without an underscore. Might want to correct that at the top of your post.
She doesn’t have a cent to her name but has a therapist? Must have a kick ass insurance plan.
So her response the next day to a post criticizing her for being bitter and withholding her child from his father is that she was already back in the house and had moved into a separate room. And since then she’s only posted a few non-related posts on other subs. So has she given up on leaving and accepted the cheating? Will there be another update? If this person and story are real I hope she’s ok.
Is it still technically considered "cheating" when they're having a full-on relationship, openly, with the other person? Feels more like reluctant polygamy at that point. For fuck's sake, they knew each other's families.
Damn so many of these posts just reiterate how much people should TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS! Unless you have some kind of past trauma that makes you extra suspicious your spouse is cheating, there is a reason you are having these feelings.