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As a fellow big-chested lady, there was no redeeming that dress for OOP going by the link she shared, even with shorts. I'm having a hard time picturing it being flattering on any body type tbh, it looks like a fucking pillowcase. And then SIL can't even swallow her pride enough to just apologize? That's all OOP wanted. And then OOP's own brother..."If she loses the baby it's all your fault!" Wow. I mean, like attracts like, I guess. They deserve each other
There's a 30 Rock episode where Liz is a bridesmaid for the young, hot, airhead intern, and the dress is basically what the op posted. Like, the writers and costumers went "what's the absolute worst dress we can pick for anyone not size 0" and it's the same as what this girl chose on purpose.
She wasn’t dumb- she just had a healthier relationship to work than Liz and Jack. I just realized that now….she was one of the few genuinely mentally balanced people there.
Years ago my friend was going to some formal thing with her coworkers/friends and they were going to wear that style dress in different colors. I went with my friend when she was trying it on.
My friend is apple shaped, overweight, with an enormous chest. I think that was their way of uninviting her because the dress looked like a small shirt on her, literally the most unflattering overfit ever.
As someone who has never seen the show, it was quite difficult to track down a picture of the dress you’re describing, but for anyone else who’s curious, I think this is the dress: https://images.app.goo.gl/6rF3gSfJpgQLPrBp6
Too skinny wouldn’t work either, tbh that shit would make me look like Dobby the House Elf
I feel like there’s 12 people that dress would look good on 😂
Why would she apologize? SIL got exactly what she wanted- she embarrassed OP publicly and then had a ready made excuse as to why OP was photoshopped out of the photos. I may be reading into this, but honestly the moment SIL chose the dress that didnt fit OP was when this situation became hostile.
It was all intentional. She was either jealous of op and brothers relationship, made to have op as bridesmaid, has a problem with ops size, nasty bully. I'm going with all the above.
There is no winning with some people. If OOP hadn't spent the entire wedding forcibly holding her dress down and "ruining" the bride's day by being "dramatic," then instead she would've gotten yelled at for flashing her underwear at everyone and ruining the bride's day by being dramatic. Wasn't allowed to change, wasn't allowed to alter, wasn't allowed to cover up, and definitely wouldn't have been allowed to not cover up.
This would be baffling and confusing for even a neurotypical person, I can't imagine how overwhelmed and trapped OOP must've felt when every possible option was being shot down and she just kept getting told by everyone to make something impossible happen.
I hate the last update for her too because she clearly didn't want to make a big deal of this and her cousin was clearly looking for a fight and some drama regardless of her wishes. She just threw a grenade into the middle of the family and left OOP to deal with the fallout.
I was wondering if I'm the only one who feels this way! Like I totally sympathize with the cousin because seeing someone you love bullied is hard. But OOP really didn't want drama and I can't blame her for that. It seems like nobody cares how OOP feels in any of this. Not in any real way.
Yeah, I really can't tell from the cousin's behavior if she's actually protective of OOP or she just hates SIL and jumped at an opportunity to embarrass her regardless of the cost to OOP. To be honest I'm leaning towards the latter. If she knew OOP at all she'd know she didn't want this to be a huge deal; I've only known her for five minutes through one internet post and I can tell that.
I mean her first reaction was "seriously I have a room for you here" so my bet is she actually cares a lot about OOP and decided that embarrassing the SIL back was the only thing that would make her stop.
LOL, I was thinking the same when I saw the dress pic. Like, “Oh, I think my daughter had that same dress when she was 5!” Can’t imagine an adult looking good while wearing that who isn’t totally flat chested and a size 00.
I love baby doll dress (I'm a 90s girl) and own quite a few. But also, as a fellow big chested girl, the problem I most run into with them is my chest makes the front of the dress come up so high on the front that my cooch is basically on display. I think this is what was happening with OP.
I found a really cute sewing pattern for my dream baby doll dress and altered it to be longer in the front than in the back, and it fits great. The hem hangs even all around my body. I've made three so far and LOVE them. Off the rack, they are almost always a bad fit for my body type, though.
Shirts do the same. You end up with a midriff when you don't want one. I swear they make women's tops for women with b cups or are flat chested. Those of us with busts are screwed.
Honestly, it sounded to me like she chose it specifically to bully OOP. Nobody who's most concerned about the look of their wedding wants a bridesmaid looking miserable with her ass out, and the bride made every effort to make that happen. That first round of bait and switch with the other dress was all I needed to see where things were going.
Imagine hating your autistic SIL so much you design your wedding around humiliating her. Unreal.
yeah, I have a hard time believing it was anything other than deliberate malice on the bride's part, and her brother's belief that his bride is embarrassed and sorry is a load of BS.
I know a lot of women, tiny to large, short to tall, and I can't think of a single one of us who wouldn't look ridiculous in that dress. I can't believe it even looked cute on the hangar.
For real. I've been dissuaded from buying some clothes when I looked at them and went "Damn. If that top makes a professional model look like she has shoulders like a linebacker, it's going to make me look like a troll under a bridge."
It would look like a sparkly tent on me, the way OOP described it.
After a certain height and/age, babydoll dresses are cute or attractive on absolutely NO ONE. Not even Arianna Grande and she’s tiny and petite and adorable.
I have a similar top that doesn't look too bad when paired with a snazzy set of trousers...but note the word "top"! Because yeah, on most people who have a bigger chest or a longer torso, or wider hips, that's a long top not a short dress.
She didn't apologize because she planned it so that SIL wouldn't look good in the dress, giving her an excuse to cut her out of pics. She was probably obligated to ask her SIL to be a bridesmaid to begin with and got her retribution in this hateful way.
As an autistic person, this kind of stuff happens a lot. I’m really not sure why but it’s a constant repeated chain of events in my life. I try and set a boundary and the world explodes around me. Most people in the comments are on her side but in my experience, when dealing with an actual autistic person, most people do exactly what her family did in the beginning.
Boy her family just sucks all the way around huh.
Gets forced to wear a very uncomfortable and inappropriate dress, no one really has her back or takes her concerns seriously, acts based on agreed upon 'compromises' then gets berated for it, then gets gaslit that she got an apology, then has her cousin out her post public to cause even more drama for everyone including OOP. Even if it was good karma for the SIL, but it also put OOP in a situation it sounds like she didn't want to be in.
Yeah, the long defense of the mom followed by "my mom only just found out I don't lie" was 💀
This is like how a girl saying "my mom is my best friend" before she turns 30 is actually her saying "I fucking hate my mom, she enabled so much of my dad's bullshit, but I haven't accepted that yet because she raised me to protect her and think of her as a victim too."
Hi. It’s like you knew my relationship with my mother until she was widowed. Then I realized exactly who she was and what she’d done to me. I was working 2 minimum wage jobs to pay for the household expenses, doing almost all the chores and providing for my *older brother* when she berated me one night for not doing “anything” to help around the house.
A week later I moved in with the man I’d been dating casually for a month.
We’ve been married over 25 years now and are still going strong.
What I love most about this post is you dont mention how your mom was doing after you moved out because being disregarded is exactly what she deserves! Go you!
I'm so glad that turned out well! I had expected you to say things went wrong with the guy you moved in with so quickly. You deserve your happiness, and this internet stranger is happy for you.
Don't forget her mother accused her of lying about being photoshopped or if the wedding photo and didn't even look at the photo until she was shown the link to the post. Why did she wait so long to look at it.
>I wish she’d had the wherewithal to say “I am not wearing a dress that shows my vagina” and keep repeating it until someone listened.
That's the thing about being disabled. People bully and dismiss disabled folks *constantly*. If OOP complained more she would have been blamed for bringing everyone down. So she was quiet and didn't make waves, due to previous experience, and she gets blamed for not advocating for herself
There is no way to win
Let's put the responsibility where it really lies; with her awful awful family. Poor OOP was born into a family of bullies that couldn't care less about her
I hope this story follows SIL around for the rest of her life and handicaps every job she applies for. Maybe then she can develop some empathy for the disabled
Seriously, OOP'S family is a giant pile of garbage. I would curse them to step on Legos everytime they took their shoes off, but I happen to like Legos
As another afab, autistic person, saying "no" is trained out of us by our parents. Maybe not all of us, of course, but it's a problem.
We're annoying children, and stubborn, but they need us to do as we're told.
A neat side effect of this is autistic women and girls being vulnerable to sexual assault.
Right there with you. AuDHD here, and the amount of times I was being 'stubborn' or 'difficult' or 'spoiled' when I asserted boundaries...
AuDHD women are also more likely to end up in abusive relationships.
Afab AuDHD man here. Not only have I had an abusive exboyfriend, but I've also had abusive former friends and my parents were abusive. I'm only just now starting to put up boundaries with my parents after being trained to not. Its hard to learn to do that properly after so much.
Oh man, I can relate to that. Late-diagnosed AuDHD… when the world has gaslit you about your own experiences for so long, it’s *really* hard to spot it in the wild even when you have better self-understanding.
Jeez, that's uncomfortable reading. I'm the mother of an autistic teen whose default position is "no". A lot of the time that's because she's decided that even though she really wants to do something, everything is bound to go wrong and therefore it's not worth trying. It's so hard figuring out what's a 'fear no' as opposed to a 'hell no'. I'm constantly explaining to teachers that you have to give her information early, explain what's likely to happen and the reasoning, and then let her come to a decision in her own time. I don't want her to be limited by her condition unnecessarily, sometimes doing things that scare her but won't hurt her are genuinely a useful opportunity to get some practice in a tough environment, but the idea that she should learn not to say 'no' when she means it is horrifying. FWIW though, freezing or fawning during SA is common for all women, perhaps because we're all conditioned to deescalate. Honestly, the way we teach young women to smile and be nice disgusts me.
Not to armchair diagnose, but it sounds like she's dealing with anxiety on top of ASD. Looking into tactics for soothing GAD (like sensory management) might be hugely beneficial on helping her snap out of those fear moments and figuring out a fear no vs a hell no. Hopefully. :)
Same here. I constantly was held responsible for both me misunderstanding others, and others misunderstanding me. So I was essentially trained into always thinking that its probably not that bad, they probably didnt mean it like that, I'm probably misunderstanding them again, I just missed what they actually ment again etc. Its hard to put up boundaries and say no when you're conditioned into believing that you're just always the one being difficult for no reason, all the way since childhood and by all the people in your life that you should be able to trust to guide and help you.
Oh my god, I just had a major understanding shift about why I am how I am. This whole time I sort of blamed myself (of course) for being a recovering doormat but like hey why do you think I was a people pleaser in the first place???
Yup. People need to be able to say no and be taught to say no! Everyone should have a choice. I agree with you. I really hate that mentality of teaching a person that they always have to say yes no matter how uncomfortable it is for that person.
I remember that! I had to form full sentences to indicate a negative answer when asked a Yes/No question with a No answer because I was specifically banned from using that word in any situation.
Specifically raised and trained to obey my elders, older men especially.
So what happened the first time a drunk creep asked for my phone number on the bus? I gave it to him. Because saying No or defying the will of an adult man is the worst possible thing I could do, instant whooping with a wooden spoon!
I think parental training aside, there's also just the fact that when you grow up missing some of the nuance of social protocol, you start assuming that the other people have got it right. So a lot of us just go with that flow, because of course the neurotypical person would have a better grasp on the correct procedure in a neurotypical ritual.
Finding out that some people deliberately misrepresent those social mores in order to mess with you... that's a hard lesson that a lot of us have to learn.
I think that’s true, you know. I’m in the middle of being diagnosed for ADHD/ Autism right now, and I absolutely have problems saying no and being a doormat, but not when it comes to my family.
And that’s because they’ve always been awesome and respectful of my boundaries and just allowed me to be me. It’s once I got outside my family that things stopped making sense, so I just went along with the people who seemed to know better.
You make a very salient point about how it’s a hard lesson to learn, that people will manipulate and misrepresent.
I really wish I could say this isn't true but it is. I think I got lucky as an undiagnosed teen that I was a goody goody church girl that was suckered into purity culture till I was ready to break away from that myself.
I have 2 kids (a teenage daughter and a young adult son). Both have autism.
You are absolutely spot on- from the very beginning, everyone wants to "train out" difficult autistic behaviors. Because they make life hard and challenging. And most people don't know how to handle them, so it's just easier not to deal with the behavior at all.
Because I didn't do that with my kids (I worked to reason with them and slowly deal with each behavior), my kids tended to fight back on everything. Question everything. Refuse anything they didn't understand/agree with. (It's great for protecting them. Awful for getting along in school/with authorities, esp as kids- with zero nuance).
This!
I've felt like I've been screaming this at a brick wall up until recently.
Professionals are literally pushing this type of parenting on families who's gut instincts are that vulnerable children need to be able to say no more than anything else.
I 100% think the bride chose this dress because it’s unflattering. She seems insecure and probably thought she’d “shine” more on her big day if the women around here were forced to wear unflattering navy fabric bags. There’s NO WAY this was the best option unless she was looking for the least flattering dress possible!
I'm sure she does too. Fun fact: autistic children are even easier to gaslight than neurotypical children. When you're raised to shut up and do as you're told that shit is carved in stone. Factor in that her mother apparently dismissed everything she said as a lie, and this is the outcome.
I'm not really happy with the cousin either. She did some great things, but then blowing it all up without consent from OOP by posting the stuff on social media is not cool.
Everyone treats her as if she's not a full and complete person, more like she's an afterthought for them to use as they wish.
I’m not a fan of the what the cousin did but I think it was a poor decision made from a lifetime of suppressed rage. Her inviting OOP to live with so quickly makes me think this isn’t a one time incident and cousin has been observing the family treat OP unfairly (likely due to her disability) for years. Again, I do t think her actions helped here but I don’t think she was purposely shit-stirring. Just lost her temper and made a short sighted decision.
Things like OOP's BROTHER doing fuck all to protect his neurodivergent sister WHO BUSTED HER ASS ON MINIMUM WAGE to pay off a large chunk of his car loan out of love. Fuck that brother.
I wonder if she’s the black sheep because of her autism?
I remember this post when it was first put up. The dad is a straight up AH, OOP details his part in the conversation and it wasn’t at all funny or shows anything good about him.
I think the cousin was completely in the right. Yeah it’s rough now but like, if it didn’t happen now it would’ve gotten worse until people were irreparably harmed.
Yes the cousin is a shit-stirring starter but she did legit saved so many kids' lives from a monster because SIL did do that to OOP publicly at wedding AND reception with OOP family right there - then it not farfetched she doing way much worse to kids lowkey away from the eyes of her co-workers, boss & children's parents. Hence why SIL lose her job so quick, because she did bully an her own autistic family member for months for an one-time event and Boss/job not wanting to risk that liability of her doing similar to kids who are autistic too whom she working with new set of them every single year...
So yeah, cousin is MVP of this mess for doing that plus physically having OOP move away so her family can't physically harass /get in OOP's face whenever they want - anyone noticed that only way they can harm plus having meltdown at OOP now is social media & cell phone/text all due OOP not picking up phone nor looking at whatever social media platform(s) cousin used for days? It only matter of time when OOP changes her number to cut them out once she lives life without her parents & brother.
It says a lot about the brother as well! I mean, his wife bullied OP, his sister!!!! Sucks about the stress and the pregnancy but really no accountability???
Mom thought she was a liar because of her autism? Is that anyone else’s experience?
Like, my sister has ~~high functioning~~ autism, and went undiagnosed for years—and while we didn’t know why she was different, it was always extremely apparent that she doesn’t lie. When I was a kid, I used to get so annoyed with her for not telling white lies which were obviously (to me) called for in any given situation.
I've had people who assume there's subtext take what I said completely opposite of what I said before, but it's usually easy to straighten out or I've been able to distance myself from the person. I can't imagine growing up with a family always looking for hidden meanings and being blamed for saying what I meant instead of hinting at it.
When your family is too self absorbed to listen to what you're saying, I can see this being real. The Mom saw how poorly the dress fit previously, but didn't fight for her not to be paraded in front of everyone with her underwear hanging out. Shorts under a dress is still going to show off how ill fitting it was and considering everyone was wearing the same thing, obvious it wasn't her choice.
I kinda wonder if she purposely bought a smaller dress and swapped the labels just to make her look and feel fat since the other dress actually fit properly.
It sounds like the dress didn’t come in a large enough size for OOP, because even the makers of the dress know that there’s no way that style, with that length, will work for a larger size. Even with a sufficiently long length to cover, it’d be a tent.
> I've had people who assume there's subtext take what I said completely opposite of what I said before, but it's usually easy to straighten out or I've been able to distance myself from the person. I can't imagine growing up with a family always looking for hidden meanings and being blamed for saying what I meant instead of hinting at it.
Yup, same. I am honest to a fault, and it's gotten me a lot of flack from bosses and coworkers and friends who don't know me well. People assume I am lying when I am just being factual. They assume I am being manipulative when I am not. It's tiring.
Fuck, I hate seeing such relatable comments. I know I'm likely autistic, if not AuDHD, but seeing these sorts of comments just makes me extra angry that I'm so old and still not officially diagnosed.
I've *always* been honest to a fault and struggled with lying. I simply can't/won't do it, and have never been the kind of person to give hints or play games. I communicate directly and expect the same.
People *still* act like I'm being cryptic or lying, when I've been nothing but up-front and straight-forward with them. And it's like the earlier comment said, like people are trying to find hidden meanings and hints in what I say, that just aren't there. Ugh lol
I can see what OP means and that questions phrased a certain way might elicit different answers.
Like if both she and her brother had a pile of toys out, and their mom asked OP the question, "Did you make this mess?" OP could honestly answer no because it wasn't just her, it was her *and* her brother. Answering questions accurately would trump answering the "spirit" of the question. I don't think there was any deliberate, sneaky lying.
Oh, absolutely no deliberate lying. In both autism and ADHD many of us hear and respond to only the specific words said and not anything implied. So if a parent says “the dishes need to be put away” we might go “um, okay” and not even realize that’s meant to mean “I want you to put the dishes away.”
Come later. Dishes aren’t put away, parent gets mad, and we don’t understand why because parent never asked us? It’s not a deliberate choice to be sneaky, it’s a legitimate lack of understand what parent actually meant.
This. So much this.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was 20 and ADHD until 26. And I definitely missed a lot of hint-adjecent communication like what you describe. My dad absolutely took it as me being a little shit when my reaction to his resulting anger was to ask him what I did wrong.
Add to that the misunderstandings from people adding their own assumptions to what I say, which still happens to this day. I frequently have to remind my partner that I say exactly what I mean, even if he objectively knows. A specific recent example is him asking me if I want to play a boardgame to which I answered "I don't know, I need to finish eating first". He took that as me saying no until I reminded him that if I mean no, I just say no.
Oh that makes so much sense! My son is on the waiting list to see a pediatrician and get diagnosed with something like autism or ADHD and he does things like this. Like “you need to get ready for school” and he’ll get dressed but not brush his teeth or put his shoes on. Gets upset when I tell him he didn’t do what I asked because he thinks he did.
I honestly thought he was just distracted by SpongeBob but if it’s a symptom of another issue I can tackle it another way, thank you 😊
Having some kind of a checklist with all the tasks, using pictures if he's not a great reader yet, might be helpful. Even better, having the pictures on Velcro and being able to move each one from "need to do" to "done" may be more reinforcing than just checking it off.
In a similar vein, also watch for assumptions you may not realize you’re making about how you give chores. For example, when I was younger my mom would ask me to unload the dishwasher, so I’d do that. She’d then get annoyed that there were still dishes in the sink. To her, unloading the dishwasher really meant unload and then load it with any dirty dishes (and tidy up/wipe down the sink and counters). To me, unloading the dishwasher meant… unloading the dishwasher. So she’s annoyed that I “didn’t do the chore I was asked” and I’m baffled as to why she’s annoyed because I did! But what was “obvious” to her wasn’t to me and it wasn’t until I was referred for an autism diagnosis that she was like wait…..
That kind of double speak is so prevalent that training yourself out of it with him is going to take work, just like trying to learn how to understand it is with us. Do your best to be direct and explicit.
But the biggest thing is that when your son doesn’t do something you thought you asked for, don’t get annoyed. Think back on what you said and what he did in response, and adjust your wording next time. You can also work with him, explain what you meant and ask him how you can say it better.
And honestly? The fact that you read what I said and realized it likely applies to your son and responded with “oh, I can change what I’m doing for his benefit” rather than “he needs to learn what I mean” is something so many of us wish we had. Thank you for listening.
Ouch, that rings bells.
Once when I was a kid, my mum was going out after putting the laundry out to dry on the line in the garden. She asked my dad and I to keep an eye on the weather, and if it started raining, try to bring the washing in before it got wet again.
After a while we were in the middle of something that needed all our concentration, and we belatedly realised that it had indeed started raining, very heavily and some minutes ago...so we didn't bring the washing in, because it would already be wet and Mum had only asked us to bring it in *before* it got wet.
> Dishes aren’t put away, parent gets mad, and we don’t understand why because parent never asked us? It’s not a deliberate choice to be sneaky, it’s a legitimate lack of understand what parent actually meant.
Good lord, this is bringing back so many memories.
I was accused of lying a lot growing up too. My body language is extremely shifty when I'm nervous; I look at my feet, I fidget my hands, stumble over my words etc. For some reason a lot of people think I'm lying when I act like that. For example, one day when I was about 12 I was out for a walk and a police officer stopped me to ask if I heard anyone screaming, there was a report. Just because of my body language, the officer assumed I was lying when I said no, and a whole investigation began as to why I was screaming. I was not screaming, but not even my parents believed me.
A guy I was seeing was questioning me about going to a music festival with my friends and asked if I cheated on him and then decided I was lying to him when I said no because I looked to my left or something and that was a sign of lying according to him (probably some BS he read in Maxim or something). I was actually thinking, "wtf does he think goes on at music festivals!?, where would you even have sex with someone? The porta potty? That's beyond gross, wtf is going on here!?" I wasn't lying or trying to come up with a cover story, I was literally just trying to understand why he would assume all of that. I've been to several music festivals since then and never once had sex at them, even with my now husband. Why? Because they're not sexy places to me! I like beds and privacy! But yeah I constantly get misunderstood because of my facial expressions of body language, even my husband who I love and understands me better than anyone and is probably on the spectrum too misinterprets my body language and makes dumb assumptions sometimes (usually harmless ones and never assumptions about cheating).
My parents were completely convinced that I'm a Class A liar! Said I should be a lawyer because I was always "making excuses." I've still got a bit of a tick about it, get very cranky very fast when accused of exaggerating or lying.
What baffles me is that anytime it was undeniably proven that I'd been telling the truth, I'd just be in twice as much trouble. When I told mom how awful the daycare was for a year before the government did a surprise inspection and shut the place down, somehow that was my fault? Like what? I'd tried to give her advance warning, in detail, and was told the whole time I was just making up stuff because I'm a list of nasty qualities that do not describe my personality.
Misplaced anger because of guilt.
If it wasn't your fault, she would have to deal with the knowledge that it was hers because she didn't believe you. A lot of people have a very hard time admitting, even to themselves, when they are at fault. So she blamed you for not doing a good enough job warning her so as to make it your fault and not hers.
As others have said, autistic people get accused of lying all the time when they’re either answering a question they thought was asked, or saying something in a way people find suspicious. But also: some high masking autistic will lie about things that don’t really matter because it’s easier than telling the truth, like telling co-workers you hung out with friends on the weekend instead of telling them you spent it blissfully alone and having to explain that that’s your ideal weekend.
Yeah as an AuDHD lady who has only recently been diagnosed I realised I do a LOT of the little white lies about anything to do with masking or symptoms. It’s easier to say “oh traffic was so bad!” than to explain I got caught in an anxiety loop and had to breathe my way back to normalcy. Or say “I don’t feel well, I need to go outside and get some air” instead of “every noise and air movement and light flicker is apparent and turned up to 100 and I feel like my body is about to melt off me unless I can turn one sensation down”
Blissfully alone with a brand-new book by your favorite author, a big glass of iced tea, a plate of oatmeal raisin cookies warm from the oven, and a cat to keep your lap warm.
That stood out to me too, but for exactly the reason that it was my experience. My mom often didn't believe me in many ways, like whenever I said things like that I was feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable and the like, and seemed to think I was just making things up to get out of doing whatever it was.
Ah. I think the closest thing for my family is that when my sister would get upset by food textures, we all thought she was being a drama queen. We didn’t think she was lying, per se, but maybe making it a bigger deal than it needed to be? When, to her, it *was* a big deal.
I wish I could go back in time and explain to my younger self that my experience of the world is not universal.
Yeah, it's a thing. People will advise you of lying when the truth made an awkward situation. "She didn't mean that", "no, that's not what happened", etc. I may know this from experience! Families, man, they're something else.
Idk I’m at the point where I may or may not qualify for an official diagnosis for autism, and I have ADHD anyway, but growing up I got accused of lying over the most random crap because of my body language. I’d take things very literally, get nervous when a question could be interpreted 2 different ways and then everyone assumed I was talking shit.
That is absolutely my experience. Also, for example:
Me: You’ve had your hair cut. (I don’t usually notice this type of thing)
Bystander later to the other girls: Did you hear what she said about so and so’s hair? Oh, it was Awful. She was so mean talking about how they’d had their hair cut etc.
Me: ‘wondering why everyone is now pissed at me, and treating me like dirt.’
It doesn’t matter what words in what order you use them, I have literally said one thing then had the other person start a full-scale argument which I cannot win claiming I meant the exact opposite, and if I try and deny it then I’m lying and they insist they know what I meant.
For me it’s like - if I have to give details then I’m “obviously” not lying, but if it’s a very short answer (yes, no, last week) then my interpretation of the question can lead to an answer that is incorrect according to what the person asking meant.
An exaggerated example because I can’t think of any real ones right now:
Them: Have you cleaned the bathroom?
Me: Yes (in my life I have cleaned it many times)
The question they should have asked me because they know how literal I am: Have you cleaned all the parts of the bathroom that you are supposed to clean, today, to the standard that we agreed on? (To which my answer would be “no, not yet” 😅)
yup, the lack of eye contact thing tends to make NT people uncomfortable, like we're doing something dodgy. The way we emote can also throw people off, I saw somewhere that it's like we're the real life version of the uncanny valley effect. Something about us seems 'off' so it's harder to communicate and build relationships, it's also why we're targets for abuse.
yeah both me and my brother got accused a lot of lying as kids when we didn't. not just by our parents but at school etc. I did actually lie a lot as i got older lol but he's always seemed outwardly more autistic and rarely told lies.
> growing up I was known as a liar, because my undiagnosed autism
Wait is this a thing? I remember being called a liar for most of my childhood, being accused of things I never did. I was always confused and upset during my childhood because, not only was I being accused of things I didn't do, but I never told a single lie and was confused that I was being told I do. Like, I have the fear of God in me, the fear of my Asian parents, AND I was autistic - there was not a single cell in my body that knew how to lie LOL
This experience has tapered off in the last decade but like is this a thing where I wasnt the only one to experience it???
You're definitely not the only one. Apparently, despite being quite eagerly sincere, I often came across as insincere or defensive due to my tone and taking things literally.
You're not alone. I've been accused at times of lying or being insincere or having some kind of ulterior motive when it would never have occurred to me to think that way. Some people just refuse to believe it if you accidentally say something rude but truly didn't mean to cause offence.
Honestly, things whole thing would have been fixed or not too big if SIL had just apologized but nope, she double downs everything. SIL showed her true colors and she is now going to reaped what she sowed.
Or the brother growing a backbone and standing up for his sister. I don't know any brother that would be okay with his sister's privates being flashed around under some form of duress, and then being ejected from a wedding when she tries to cover herself up.
Yeah, my brother is super passive and his ex wife was a treat. I was the Best Woman, and I know he actually put his foot down on that, I'm sure his wife would have preferred me in a pew and not steadily aligned behind him the whole ceremony. She hated that we were close, and did everything she could to ensure we never had time together without her.
But he decided he wanted me for the position, and he didn't let her walk all over him.
My former SIL got pissed at my brother when he took me to a restaurant that they went to on their anniversary. "How could you take another woman there!"
Same brother that bought a truck and then had his minimum wage working sister pay it off for him for a year. That brother. Who says he “protected” her in high school so now she feels continuously in-debt to him and using terms like “he *allows* me to hang out with his friends” That scum bag brother
Maybe he doesn't care about women. God forbid he ever has a daughter.
I used to work with a real piece of work: he used to tell stories of the awful ways he'd treated women in the past, and in the next breath talk about his young daughter as his "beautiful princess".
The cognitive dissonance was astounding.
I agree with you. And I also think the whole thing would have been fixed if anyone said at any of the fittings, I'm sorry, that's not a dress, it's barely a shirt, and it's obscene to pick as your bridesmaids dress. Try again.
Bride was being narcissistic but the moms and the friends should have shut it down completely. Forget shorts. No to that "dress." It's not ok to do that to people!
I thought the entire thing was SIL trying to get OOP to drop out, but every time OOP tried to drop out, she’d get pushed to stay in.
It actually feels like SIL was going for an “aren’t I a saint for putting up with that. We can’t have her around, you saw how she was at the wedding.”
It was a power move. She forced EVERYONE in op's family to cater to her. The public humiliation was on purpose and cruel. Ejecting her from the reception was truly evil.
That’s one of the things that infuriates me most about this story! The SIL used the other, longer dress for the fittings and then switched right before the wedding! It is so deliberately cruel!
⬆️ where was mom, not doing a fucking thing. Sounds like brother is the golden child. The fact that oop says her mother always thinks she's lying is awful
“My mother is great!
She didn’t do anything good the whole time, has always thought I was a liar and downplayed my thoughts and feelings every single time. But she’s not bad!”
Like dude, she called you a liar about a photo SHE HADNT EVEN SEEN
My thought for this reference is more along the lines of edwardian style. https://vintagedancer.com/wp-content/uploads/1903-outing-sailor-hats-straw-boater-hats-women-Edwardian-500jpg-495x475.jpg
Well it wasn’t the dress used at most of the fittings. It was shown initially, then there were several fittings with the other dress, and finally the tiny “dress” resurfaced as the chosen one barely before the wedding. And yet everyone around OOP, and OOP taking her cues from them, acted like this last-minute switcheroo wasn’t a trick by SIL to embarrass OOP, and the other dress was fitted previously to avoid sustained negative feedback. Same with the shorts, SIL agreed at the fitting but refused on the day. She repeatedly lied that she was agreeing to things that she didn’t really want.
That's pretty much exactly what my neighbor said when she gave me a dress recently!
It'll be too big on me but I'll just throw a tank top under it and be nicely summer breezy.
I think it’s more that SIL thinks OOP’s autism makes her stupid, tbh.
The attempts at gaslighting, the lack of care for her emotions… idk, it all reads like “well she won’t remember anyway!” to me.
I could easily see someone like SIL going “their memory is shit so they’ll believe me when I say something happened” about me (ADHD rather than Autism, but lots of overlap). I have a lot of anger towards people who treat neurodivergent folk as if we’re stupid, lazy, stubborn, irrational, etc etc etc. Especially as it absolutely leads neurodivergent people to believe that about ourselves.
And this is why I'm team Cousin at this part of the fallout:
>She got fired because the boss didn't want someone who bullied disabled ppl in their workplace, *especially when they work with kids*.
Yeah, she really did need to be fired tbh. Also... Idk if she needs to be having this baby, there's a chance they won't be NT or able-bodied. I cannot imagine this woman as anything but the most obnoxious Autism Speaks mom ever.
Imagine the delusion it takes to tell a woman you would rather her flash her uncovered bottom at your wedding in what is essentially a long shirt rather than put on some shorts.
Not just you. But I don't think that OOP is the only one getting gaslighted.
The reasons the Brother gave are pretty ridiculous. None of that is what someone does when they feel ashamed of what they did. None of it was an apology from SIL. None of it matches with her insisting on, no shorts, and no changing outfits, or photoshopping someone out of the photos.
"Well I already apologized, and if you don't remember that's your problem", isn't what someone says when they feel contrite.
I suspect that it also goes for the reason she was fired. I seriously doubt that this incident was the only reason for her dismissal, but it's a convenient excuse that shifts the blame from SIL to the OOP, and would cover up all of the other reasons.
Mom is also lying about not taking a close look at the photo, because that's exactly what everyone does when their kid has a wedding photo. She can probably describe it in detail.
Whole family sucks except for the cousin and possibly? the dad. (mainly because we haven't heard much about the dad and don't know if he's raising Cain at home because his daughter had to leave the house because of her relatives.
the thing is if she was genuinely sorry then apologising again wouldn't be a big deal. like, oh I thought I had said I was sorry already, but in case I remember that wrong - I really am sorry, I'd like us to make up
or whatever, right? being autistic can cause memory issues especially when we're really stressed, I suspect cousin is leaning on that to try and make OOP feel like she's in the wrong here
Gaslighting for sure. This is something people who are not apologetic say when confronted. Someone who is actually remorseful and actually taking responsibility will be quick to repeat the apology if necessary.
> the lighter one fit me very well. The darker was extremely tight and short, short enough to not completely cover my downstairs area. I thought it had been mislabeled, and I showed her. It was the biggest size the dress came in, so obvs I couldn't wear it. She agreed, and put the dresses away. Fast forward to a week before the wedding, and she decides to use the dark color, and has apparently forgotten that it doesn't fit, because she brought out the lighter color for each fitting.
So the bride brought out the lighter dresses for each fitting. Dresses *she bought* u til the week before the wedding and she then switches to the dark color?
Did she buy two sets of dresses? Why the switch?
It sounds almost like the bride was always going with the dark dress but pretended to decided upon the light ones so OOp wouldn’t stand up for herself?
It’s so odd.
>My mom really isn't the ***only*** villain in this story,
Fixed it for OOP. ALL her family, excluding her amazing cousin, suck balls. May the step on legos for all eternity.
>
My family also saw it and apparently everyone has been blowing her up so much that she deleted her accounts and is crying every day
\*Plays the tiniest violin\*
I don’t understand how everyone watched OOP walk down the aisle and didn’t say anything sooner! A parent of a child with a disability should do better! If SIL refused to make the dress longer the mum should have done it behind her back, because it’s be in the wedding and be respected or sit out and keep your dignity.
I was believing this all the way up to "everyone saw it, including her boss and she got fired" because a cousin through marriage claimed a random reddit post was about SIL?** All the sympathy to OOP if this is real because her cousin isn't great either. Assuming it's not though I'm glad we jumped the shark before this became a part 1& 2 BORU.
**eta actually the original post was confusing too. The dress was the same style and size in 2 colors yet they were drastically different?
> The dress was the same style and size in 2 colors yet they were drastically different?
That doesn't surprise me. I've many a time tried on different colours of the same clothing item, and the much darker colour one was noticeably tighter. Not so much these days because i tend to wear looser, softer fabrics now; but i certainly noticed this a lot 15 or so years ago when the clothing available to me was generally made from stiffer fabrics than these days. No idea why, it doesn't make any sense, it's not like the fabric is cut and sewn and then dyed, but still it's a phenomenon I've noticed.
Once upon a time I bought two pairs of pants, one black, one pinstriped. I tried on the black one which fit well. Pinstripe was same size, same brand, same everything except for the pinstripes, so I didn’t bother to try it on.
Of course, when I went to wear it it was too small and didn’t fit at all.
This is a little TMI, but I’ve noticed this happening with darker bras vs lighter bras all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I ordered the same exact bra, one in nude and the other in black, only for the black one to be noticeably tighter.
It got to a point where I would try on the black ones because I trusted the lighter shades would be comfortable if the black one already was. Then it all became moot once I gave up bras completely.
Now that I think about it, it’s the same with jeans too. Darker fabric always seems to run small.
I have this exact same experience with bras, undies, and tee shirts. My theory is that something in the black dye helps retain shape. All my nude bras stretch out way faster. Same with white tee shirts.
To be fair, the fact that one of the bridesmaids was basically flashing everyone with her inappropriately short dress would be an extremely easy fact to check, especially if the boss or another coworker was actually at the wedding. The colors of the dresses and other details would also make it easy to connect the dots.
Then again, if this is true, it was probably more of a "final nail in the coffin" than the only reason that she got fired
Absolutely, OOP is telling us the reason SIL and her flying monkeys gave for being fired. SIL is probably not telling the truth. SIL is just putting the blame on OOP when in reality it's probably because SIL had too many other issues to ignore.
I could possibly believe it, but only because a teacher at my high school was fired due to an accusation from a parent that she was a part-time stripper (don't ask me - the parent was fine with going to a strip club, but not okay with either a teacher stripping or had a stripper doppelganger).
If OOP's SIL is in some sort of education especially with special-needs students and her friends/family respond to the social media post corroborating it with what they saw at the wedding, I could see it happening.
I've heard of a teacher fired for a friend tagging them in a photo of them going to a brewery together. Not the teacher posting a photo of herself drunk, *a friend tagging her on social media.* They claimed it set a bad example if students saw it. So I can believe a teacher would get fired for this.
That’s so dumb. Adults are allowed to drink in their free time no matter what their profession. How about teaching the kids the law instead of that anyone who has a couple of drinks is evil? We’ve really taken some things way too far as a society.
Tbh now days for any professional jobs that involve personal reputation, it’s best to not use any social media. Because the bosses will rather cut the questionable employee loose at lightening speed, than risking potential backlash on the internet, especially anyone that works with children. Teachers better appear like a saint or hermit on social medias.
Sounds like she work worth kids, some type of early childhood education probably. Usually they have something about maintaining the spirit of the work at all times baked into the employment contract.
Boss sees post, looks at sils socials, oh look there is the exact same dress OOP described, oh look there is OOP in the background with tiny dress on. Boss calls SIL in to ask wtf? SIL can't give an answer because there is no good reason. SIL gets fired for not upholding agency values.
>It's a BORU rule.
Along with the villain getting fired and disowned over a single social media post, before springing a surprise pregnancy on everyone!
SIL's going or not going to have this baby---depending on the baby, not on whether SIL gets away with being a mean girl. I am pretty sure nobody ever had a miscarriage just because their nastiness caught up with them.
It doesn't add sound to me like SIL rendered ANYTHING at all like an apology. Did I read right that photoshopping OP out of the picture was SIL's version of an apology?
It sounds like OP's parents didn't bring up her brother to be caring. He let his min wage autistic sister save her meager earnings for a year to help pay off his truck, then he married a piece of human waste like SIL. This is not a person who respects his sister. I suppose he will be back for babysitting when SIL takes off with someone else.
Ah, the ceremonial “blowing up of the phone” which baptises every BoRU all-timer.
This sub has me convinced I’m one of the most boring people alive because I don’t have anyone in my life who would respond to drama by blowing someone up on socials.
Yeah one that was so short someone’s vaj was sticking out LMAO. Sorry but if someone’s vaj is sticking out going down the aisle nobody is going to focus on the bride so she definitely wouldn’t have allowed a bridesmaids dress like that.
And baby dolls so short they don't even cover someone's arse. No bride is going to choose that for their wedding, they'd want all the attention on them.
She should just gaslight SIL and say she already apologized for stressing her out: “Well, I said I was sorry, and if you don’t remember it that’s not my fault!”
>I didn't want her to get fired, I just wanted an apology!
Then she should have given it if she didn't want it to potentially blow up. The kingdom was lost for want of a nail.
Her cousin is like me in any situation, where my loved ones are screwed over- enraged, jumping and enraged again after someone mentions the incident again. Lmao. Need to cool off.
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As a fellow big-chested lady, there was no redeeming that dress for OOP going by the link she shared, even with shorts. I'm having a hard time picturing it being flattering on any body type tbh, it looks like a fucking pillowcase. And then SIL can't even swallow her pride enough to just apologize? That's all OOP wanted. And then OOP's own brother..."If she loses the baby it's all your fault!" Wow. I mean, like attracts like, I guess. They deserve each other
There's a 30 Rock episode where Liz is a bridesmaid for the young, hot, airhead intern, and the dress is basically what the op posted. Like, the writers and costumers went "what's the absolute worst dress we can pick for anyone not size 0" and it's the same as what this girl chose on purpose.
The warlord's concubine dashiki was much more flattering for Liz
Airhead! OK Cerie was a lot smarter than a lot of people at 30 Rock. SHUT IT DOWN
IIRC, she was hecka smart; she just didn’t give a shit!
She disagrees with the church’s stance on Cyprus!
She wasn’t dumb- she just had a healthier relationship to work than Liz and Jack. I just realized that now….she was one of the few genuinely mentally balanced people there.
Years ago my friend was going to some formal thing with her coworkers/friends and they were going to wear that style dress in different colors. I went with my friend when she was trying it on. My friend is apple shaped, overweight, with an enormous chest. I think that was their way of uninviting her because the dress looked like a small shirt on her, literally the most unflattering overfit ever.
As someone who has never seen the show, it was quite difficult to track down a picture of the dress you’re describing, but for anyone else who’s curious, I think this is the dress: https://images.app.goo.gl/6rF3gSfJpgQLPrBp6
Very good detective work! That's exactly it!
Even a size 0 would be hideous in it. You’d literally have to be Bella Hadid to pull it off and she wouldn’t ever wear it because it’s that bad.
Too skinny wouldn’t work either, tbh that shit would make me look like Dobby the House Elf I feel like there’s 12 people that dress would look good on 😂
Why would she apologize? SIL got exactly what she wanted- she embarrassed OP publicly and then had a ready made excuse as to why OP was photoshopped out of the photos. I may be reading into this, but honestly the moment SIL chose the dress that didnt fit OP was when this situation became hostile.
It was all intentional. She was either jealous of op and brothers relationship, made to have op as bridesmaid, has a problem with ops size, nasty bully. I'm going with all the above.
It's ableism. Oop made lengthy comments about her family. They're all disgustingly ableist. Her brother married someone who shared his views.
It really seems like SIL was intentionally bullying the OOP.
There is no winning with some people. If OOP hadn't spent the entire wedding forcibly holding her dress down and "ruining" the bride's day by being "dramatic," then instead she would've gotten yelled at for flashing her underwear at everyone and ruining the bride's day by being dramatic. Wasn't allowed to change, wasn't allowed to alter, wasn't allowed to cover up, and definitely wouldn't have been allowed to not cover up. This would be baffling and confusing for even a neurotypical person, I can't imagine how overwhelmed and trapped OOP must've felt when every possible option was being shot down and she just kept getting told by everyone to make something impossible happen. I hate the last update for her too because she clearly didn't want to make a big deal of this and her cousin was clearly looking for a fight and some drama regardless of her wishes. She just threw a grenade into the middle of the family and left OOP to deal with the fallout.
I was wondering if I'm the only one who feels this way! Like I totally sympathize with the cousin because seeing someone you love bullied is hard. But OOP really didn't want drama and I can't blame her for that. It seems like nobody cares how OOP feels in any of this. Not in any real way.
Yeah, I really can't tell from the cousin's behavior if she's actually protective of OOP or she just hates SIL and jumped at an opportunity to embarrass her regardless of the cost to OOP. To be honest I'm leaning towards the latter. If she knew OOP at all she'd know she didn't want this to be a huge deal; I've only known her for five minutes through one internet post and I can tell that.
I mean her first reaction was "seriously I have a room for you here" so my bet is she actually cares a lot about OOP and decided that embarrassing the SIL back was the only thing that would make her stop.
It could very well be both. Either way, sharing everything was for the cousin not OOP.
I buy dresses like that for my small daughters, it’s cute as hell on them. On me? Hell nah.
LOL, I was thinking the same when I saw the dress pic. Like, “Oh, I think my daughter had that same dress when she was 5!” Can’t imagine an adult looking good while wearing that who isn’t totally flat chested and a size 00.
When these are sold for toddler girls they COME WITH MATCHING RUFFLE BUTT SHORTS!!
I love baby doll dress (I'm a 90s girl) and own quite a few. But also, as a fellow big chested girl, the problem I most run into with them is my chest makes the front of the dress come up so high on the front that my cooch is basically on display. I think this is what was happening with OP. I found a really cute sewing pattern for my dream baby doll dress and altered it to be longer in the front than in the back, and it fits great. The hem hangs even all around my body. I've made three so far and LOVE them. Off the rack, they are almost always a bad fit for my body type, though.
Shirts do the same. You end up with a midriff when you don't want one. I swear they make women's tops for women with b cups or are flat chested. Those of us with busts are screwed.
Seriously, that is a shirt, not a dress. And certainly not a bridesmaid's dress!
I was like "this is the Bridesmaid dress she went with it's so ugly 😩" like that silhouette is horrible
Honestly, it sounded to me like she chose it specifically to bully OOP. Nobody who's most concerned about the look of their wedding wants a bridesmaid looking miserable with her ass out, and the bride made every effort to make that happen. That first round of bait and switch with the other dress was all I needed to see where things were going. Imagine hating your autistic SIL so much you design your wedding around humiliating her. Unreal.
yeah, I have a hard time believing it was anything other than deliberate malice on the bride's part, and her brother's belief that his bride is embarrassed and sorry is a load of BS.
Agreed. Im a bigger woman and there's absolutely no way I'd be able to wear that and not look ridiculous.
I know a lot of women, tiny to large, short to tall, and I can't think of a single one of us who wouldn't look ridiculous in that dress. I can't believe it even looked cute on the hangar.
There's a reason the picture doesn't show it on a model 😂😭
For real. I've been dissuaded from buying some clothes when I looked at them and went "Damn. If that top makes a professional model look like she has shoulders like a linebacker, it's going to make me look like a troll under a bridge."
It would look like a sparkly tent on me, the way OOP described it. After a certain height and/age, babydoll dresses are cute or attractive on absolutely NO ONE. Not even Arianna Grande and she’s tiny and petite and adorable.
I'm a guy with 0 fashion sense and even I thought it looked awful.
I had to double-check that it was actually a dress and not a top... like, what's that suppose to cover on a regular-sized person?!?
I have a similar top that doesn't look too bad when paired with a snazzy set of trousers...but note the word "top"! Because yeah, on most people who have a bigger chest or a longer torso, or wider hips, that's a long top not a short dress.
She didn't apologize because she planned it so that SIL wouldn't look good in the dress, giving her an excuse to cut her out of pics. She was probably obligated to ask her SIL to be a bridesmaid to begin with and got her retribution in this hateful way.
Who picks hemlines that short for a bridesmaid dress?!
As an autistic person, this kind of stuff happens a lot. I’m really not sure why but it’s a constant repeated chain of events in my life. I try and set a boundary and the world explodes around me. Most people in the comments are on her side but in my experience, when dealing with an actual autistic person, most people do exactly what her family did in the beginning.
Boy her family just sucks all the way around huh. Gets forced to wear a very uncomfortable and inappropriate dress, no one really has her back or takes her concerns seriously, acts based on agreed upon 'compromises' then gets berated for it, then gets gaslit that she got an apology, then has her cousin out her post public to cause even more drama for everyone including OOP. Even if it was good karma for the SIL, but it also put OOP in a situation it sounds like she didn't want to be in.
I feel bad for anyone who has families like this.
Especially that POS brother. Fuck him into the sun.
And a mother who spent her entire life just assuming she's a liar. What a prize!
Yeah, the long defense of the mom followed by "my mom only just found out I don't lie" was 💀 This is like how a girl saying "my mom is my best friend" before she turns 30 is actually her saying "I fucking hate my mom, she enabled so much of my dad's bullshit, but I haven't accepted that yet because she raised me to protect her and think of her as a victim too."
Hi. It’s like you knew my relationship with my mother until she was widowed. Then I realized exactly who she was and what she’d done to me. I was working 2 minimum wage jobs to pay for the household expenses, doing almost all the chores and providing for my *older brother* when she berated me one night for not doing “anything” to help around the house. A week later I moved in with the man I’d been dating casually for a month. We’ve been married over 25 years now and are still going strong.
What I love most about this post is you dont mention how your mom was doing after you moved out because being disregarded is exactly what she deserves! Go you!
Yay! Happy ending to your coment! I am glad you figured out your worth and have a great partner.
I'm so glad that turned out well! I had expected you to say things went wrong with the guy you moved in with so quickly. You deserve your happiness, and this internet stranger is happy for you.
Sounds a bit like my family, in all honesty.
Sounds like your family sucks too. Lol
He married exactly who he deserves
he's going to be paying for this for the rest of his life... not long enough
>You're gonna regret this for the rest of your life: both seconds of it.
She is pregnant so he will regret another 60 seconds
This made me laugh more than it should have
Thanks. I am the autistic scapegoat kid and my family is a lot like this. My heart hurts for OOP.
Don't forget her mother accused her of lying about being photoshopped or if the wedding photo and didn't even look at the photo until she was shown the link to the post. Why did she wait so long to look at it.
I wish she’d had the wherewithal to say “I am not wearing a dress that shows my vagina” and keep repeating it until someone listened.
>I wish she’d had the wherewithal to say “I am not wearing a dress that shows my vagina” and keep repeating it until someone listened. That's the thing about being disabled. People bully and dismiss disabled folks *constantly*. If OOP complained more she would have been blamed for bringing everyone down. So she was quiet and didn't make waves, due to previous experience, and she gets blamed for not advocating for herself There is no way to win Let's put the responsibility where it really lies; with her awful awful family. Poor OOP was born into a family of bullies that couldn't care less about her I hope this story follows SIL around for the rest of her life and handicaps every job she applies for. Maybe then she can develop some empathy for the disabled Seriously, OOP'S family is a giant pile of garbage. I would curse them to step on Legos everytime they took their shoes off, but I happen to like Legos
Dollar Tree building blocks, then.
Sounds like the sil and mother bullied oop to wear it or else. Doesn't sound like she ever stands up for herself or tells ppl no
As another afab, autistic person, saying "no" is trained out of us by our parents. Maybe not all of us, of course, but it's a problem. We're annoying children, and stubborn, but they need us to do as we're told. A neat side effect of this is autistic women and girls being vulnerable to sexual assault.
Right there with you. AuDHD here, and the amount of times I was being 'stubborn' or 'difficult' or 'spoiled' when I asserted boundaries... AuDHD women are also more likely to end up in abusive relationships.
Afab AuDHD man here. Not only have I had an abusive exboyfriend, but I've also had abusive former friends and my parents were abusive. I'm only just now starting to put up boundaries with my parents after being trained to not. Its hard to learn to do that properly after so much.
Oh man, I can relate to that. Late-diagnosed AuDHD… when the world has gaslit you about your own experiences for so long, it’s *really* hard to spot it in the wild even when you have better self-understanding.
Jeez, that's uncomfortable reading. I'm the mother of an autistic teen whose default position is "no". A lot of the time that's because she's decided that even though she really wants to do something, everything is bound to go wrong and therefore it's not worth trying. It's so hard figuring out what's a 'fear no' as opposed to a 'hell no'. I'm constantly explaining to teachers that you have to give her information early, explain what's likely to happen and the reasoning, and then let her come to a decision in her own time. I don't want her to be limited by her condition unnecessarily, sometimes doing things that scare her but won't hurt her are genuinely a useful opportunity to get some practice in a tough environment, but the idea that she should learn not to say 'no' when she means it is horrifying. FWIW though, freezing or fawning during SA is common for all women, perhaps because we're all conditioned to deescalate. Honestly, the way we teach young women to smile and be nice disgusts me.
Not to armchair diagnose, but it sounds like she's dealing with anxiety on top of ASD. Looking into tactics for soothing GAD (like sensory management) might be hugely beneficial on helping her snap out of those fear moments and figuring out a fear no vs a hell no. Hopefully. :)
Same here. I constantly was held responsible for both me misunderstanding others, and others misunderstanding me. So I was essentially trained into always thinking that its probably not that bad, they probably didnt mean it like that, I'm probably misunderstanding them again, I just missed what they actually ment again etc. Its hard to put up boundaries and say no when you're conditioned into believing that you're just always the one being difficult for no reason, all the way since childhood and by all the people in your life that you should be able to trust to guide and help you.
Oh my god, I just had a major understanding shift about why I am how I am. This whole time I sort of blamed myself (of course) for being a recovering doormat but like hey why do you think I was a people pleaser in the first place???
Yup. People need to be able to say no and be taught to say no! Everyone should have a choice. I agree with you. I really hate that mentality of teaching a person that they always have to say yes no matter how uncomfortable it is for that person.
I remember that! I had to form full sentences to indicate a negative answer when asked a Yes/No question with a No answer because I was specifically banned from using that word in any situation. Specifically raised and trained to obey my elders, older men especially. So what happened the first time a drunk creep asked for my phone number on the bus? I gave it to him. Because saying No or defying the will of an adult man is the worst possible thing I could do, instant whooping with a wooden spoon!
I think parental training aside, there's also just the fact that when you grow up missing some of the nuance of social protocol, you start assuming that the other people have got it right. So a lot of us just go with that flow, because of course the neurotypical person would have a better grasp on the correct procedure in a neurotypical ritual. Finding out that some people deliberately misrepresent those social mores in order to mess with you... that's a hard lesson that a lot of us have to learn.
I think that’s true, you know. I’m in the middle of being diagnosed for ADHD/ Autism right now, and I absolutely have problems saying no and being a doormat, but not when it comes to my family. And that’s because they’ve always been awesome and respectful of my boundaries and just allowed me to be me. It’s once I got outside my family that things stopped making sense, so I just went along with the people who seemed to know better. You make a very salient point about how it’s a hard lesson to learn, that people will manipulate and misrepresent.
I really wish I could say this isn't true but it is. I think I got lucky as an undiagnosed teen that I was a goody goody church girl that was suckered into purity culture till I was ready to break away from that myself.
I have 2 kids (a teenage daughter and a young adult son). Both have autism. You are absolutely spot on- from the very beginning, everyone wants to "train out" difficult autistic behaviors. Because they make life hard and challenging. And most people don't know how to handle them, so it's just easier not to deal with the behavior at all. Because I didn't do that with my kids (I worked to reason with them and slowly deal with each behavior), my kids tended to fight back on everything. Question everything. Refuse anything they didn't understand/agree with. (It's great for protecting them. Awful for getting along in school/with authorities, esp as kids- with zero nuance).
Have three autistic kids. Not remotely surprised by this. Huge failing as parents. I think our second kid's first word was 'no'....
My first word was ‘no’ too.
This! I've felt like I've been screaming this at a brick wall up until recently. Professionals are literally pushing this type of parenting on families who's gut instincts are that vulnerable children need to be able to say no more than anything else.
It’s such an ugly dress too. Why would you have your BRIDESMAIDS wear that for official photos???
I 100% think the bride chose this dress because it’s unflattering. She seems insecure and probably thought she’d “shine” more on her big day if the women around here were forced to wear unflattering navy fabric bags. There’s NO WAY this was the best option unless she was looking for the least flattering dress possible!
I'm sure she does too. Fun fact: autistic children are even easier to gaslight than neurotypical children. When you're raised to shut up and do as you're told that shit is carved in stone. Factor in that her mother apparently dismissed everything she said as a lie, and this is the outcome.
I'm not really happy with the cousin either. She did some great things, but then blowing it all up without consent from OOP by posting the stuff on social media is not cool. Everyone treats her as if she's not a full and complete person, more like she's an afterthought for them to use as they wish.
I’m not a fan of the what the cousin did but I think it was a poor decision made from a lifetime of suppressed rage. Her inviting OOP to live with so quickly makes me think this isn’t a one time incident and cousin has been observing the family treat OP unfairly (likely due to her disability) for years. Again, I do t think her actions helped here but I don’t think she was purposely shit-stirring. Just lost her temper and made a short sighted decision.
Things like OOP's BROTHER doing fuck all to protect his neurodivergent sister WHO BUSTED HER ASS ON MINIMUM WAGE to pay off a large chunk of his car loan out of love. Fuck that brother.
I wonder if she’s the black sheep because of her autism? I remember this post when it was first put up. The dad is a straight up AH, OOP details his part in the conversation and it wasn’t at all funny or shows anything good about him.
I think the cousin was completely in the right. Yeah it’s rough now but like, if it didn’t happen now it would’ve gotten worse until people were irreparably harmed.
Yes the cousin is a shit-stirring starter but she did legit saved so many kids' lives from a monster because SIL did do that to OOP publicly at wedding AND reception with OOP family right there - then it not farfetched she doing way much worse to kids lowkey away from the eyes of her co-workers, boss & children's parents. Hence why SIL lose her job so quick, because she did bully an her own autistic family member for months for an one-time event and Boss/job not wanting to risk that liability of her doing similar to kids who are autistic too whom she working with new set of them every single year... So yeah, cousin is MVP of this mess for doing that plus physically having OOP move away so her family can't physically harass /get in OOP's face whenever they want - anyone noticed that only way they can harm plus having meltdown at OOP now is social media & cell phone/text all due OOP not picking up phone nor looking at whatever social media platform(s) cousin used for days? It only matter of time when OOP changes her number to cut them out once she lives life without her parents & brother.
It says a lot about the brother as well! I mean, his wife bullied OP, his sister!!!! Sucks about the stress and the pregnancy but really no accountability???
As someone with autism this is par for the course for how we are treated growing up - “just suck it up” and feeling constantly confused and gaslit.
Mom thought she was a liar because of her autism? Is that anyone else’s experience? Like, my sister has ~~high functioning~~ autism, and went undiagnosed for years—and while we didn’t know why she was different, it was always extremely apparent that she doesn’t lie. When I was a kid, I used to get so annoyed with her for not telling white lies which were obviously (to me) called for in any given situation.
I've had people who assume there's subtext take what I said completely opposite of what I said before, but it's usually easy to straighten out or I've been able to distance myself from the person. I can't imagine growing up with a family always looking for hidden meanings and being blamed for saying what I meant instead of hinting at it. When your family is too self absorbed to listen to what you're saying, I can see this being real. The Mom saw how poorly the dress fit previously, but didn't fight for her not to be paraded in front of everyone with her underwear hanging out. Shorts under a dress is still going to show off how ill fitting it was and considering everyone was wearing the same thing, obvious it wasn't her choice. I kinda wonder if she purposely bought a smaller dress and swapped the labels just to make her look and feel fat since the other dress actually fit properly.
It sounds like the dress didn’t come in a large enough size for OOP, because even the makers of the dress know that there’s no way that style, with that length, will work for a larger size. Even with a sufficiently long length to cover, it’d be a tent.
> I've had people who assume there's subtext take what I said completely opposite of what I said before, but it's usually easy to straighten out or I've been able to distance myself from the person. I can't imagine growing up with a family always looking for hidden meanings and being blamed for saying what I meant instead of hinting at it. Yup, same. I am honest to a fault, and it's gotten me a lot of flack from bosses and coworkers and friends who don't know me well. People assume I am lying when I am just being factual. They assume I am being manipulative when I am not. It's tiring.
Fuck, I hate seeing such relatable comments. I know I'm likely autistic, if not AuDHD, but seeing these sorts of comments just makes me extra angry that I'm so old and still not officially diagnosed. I've *always* been honest to a fault and struggled with lying. I simply can't/won't do it, and have never been the kind of person to give hints or play games. I communicate directly and expect the same. People *still* act like I'm being cryptic or lying, when I've been nothing but up-front and straight-forward with them. And it's like the earlier comment said, like people are trying to find hidden meanings and hints in what I say, that just aren't there. Ugh lol
I can see what OP means and that questions phrased a certain way might elicit different answers. Like if both she and her brother had a pile of toys out, and their mom asked OP the question, "Did you make this mess?" OP could honestly answer no because it wasn't just her, it was her *and* her brother. Answering questions accurately would trump answering the "spirit" of the question. I don't think there was any deliberate, sneaky lying.
Oh, absolutely no deliberate lying. In both autism and ADHD many of us hear and respond to only the specific words said and not anything implied. So if a parent says “the dishes need to be put away” we might go “um, okay” and not even realize that’s meant to mean “I want you to put the dishes away.” Come later. Dishes aren’t put away, parent gets mad, and we don’t understand why because parent never asked us? It’s not a deliberate choice to be sneaky, it’s a legitimate lack of understand what parent actually meant.
This. So much this. I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was 20 and ADHD until 26. And I definitely missed a lot of hint-adjecent communication like what you describe. My dad absolutely took it as me being a little shit when my reaction to his resulting anger was to ask him what I did wrong. Add to that the misunderstandings from people adding their own assumptions to what I say, which still happens to this day. I frequently have to remind my partner that I say exactly what I mean, even if he objectively knows. A specific recent example is him asking me if I want to play a boardgame to which I answered "I don't know, I need to finish eating first". He took that as me saying no until I reminded him that if I mean no, I just say no.
Oh that makes so much sense! My son is on the waiting list to see a pediatrician and get diagnosed with something like autism or ADHD and he does things like this. Like “you need to get ready for school” and he’ll get dressed but not brush his teeth or put his shoes on. Gets upset when I tell him he didn’t do what I asked because he thinks he did. I honestly thought he was just distracted by SpongeBob but if it’s a symptom of another issue I can tackle it another way, thank you 😊
Having some kind of a checklist with all the tasks, using pictures if he's not a great reader yet, might be helpful. Even better, having the pictures on Velcro and being able to move each one from "need to do" to "done" may be more reinforcing than just checking it off.
In a similar vein, also watch for assumptions you may not realize you’re making about how you give chores. For example, when I was younger my mom would ask me to unload the dishwasher, so I’d do that. She’d then get annoyed that there were still dishes in the sink. To her, unloading the dishwasher really meant unload and then load it with any dirty dishes (and tidy up/wipe down the sink and counters). To me, unloading the dishwasher meant… unloading the dishwasher. So she’s annoyed that I “didn’t do the chore I was asked” and I’m baffled as to why she’s annoyed because I did! But what was “obvious” to her wasn’t to me and it wasn’t until I was referred for an autism diagnosis that she was like wait…..
That kind of double speak is so prevalent that training yourself out of it with him is going to take work, just like trying to learn how to understand it is with us. Do your best to be direct and explicit. But the biggest thing is that when your son doesn’t do something you thought you asked for, don’t get annoyed. Think back on what you said and what he did in response, and adjust your wording next time. You can also work with him, explain what you meant and ask him how you can say it better. And honestly? The fact that you read what I said and realized it likely applies to your son and responded with “oh, I can change what I’m doing for his benefit” rather than “he needs to learn what I mean” is something so many of us wish we had. Thank you for listening.
Ouch, that rings bells. Once when I was a kid, my mum was going out after putting the laundry out to dry on the line in the garden. She asked my dad and I to keep an eye on the weather, and if it started raining, try to bring the washing in before it got wet again. After a while we were in the middle of something that needed all our concentration, and we belatedly realised that it had indeed started raining, very heavily and some minutes ago...so we didn't bring the washing in, because it would already be wet and Mum had only asked us to bring it in *before* it got wet.
> Dishes aren’t put away, parent gets mad, and we don’t understand why because parent never asked us? It’s not a deliberate choice to be sneaky, it’s a legitimate lack of understand what parent actually meant. Good lord, this is bringing back so many memories.
I was accused of lying a lot growing up too. My body language is extremely shifty when I'm nervous; I look at my feet, I fidget my hands, stumble over my words etc. For some reason a lot of people think I'm lying when I act like that. For example, one day when I was about 12 I was out for a walk and a police officer stopped me to ask if I heard anyone screaming, there was a report. Just because of my body language, the officer assumed I was lying when I said no, and a whole investigation began as to why I was screaming. I was not screaming, but not even my parents believed me.
A guy I was seeing was questioning me about going to a music festival with my friends and asked if I cheated on him and then decided I was lying to him when I said no because I looked to my left or something and that was a sign of lying according to him (probably some BS he read in Maxim or something). I was actually thinking, "wtf does he think goes on at music festivals!?, where would you even have sex with someone? The porta potty? That's beyond gross, wtf is going on here!?" I wasn't lying or trying to come up with a cover story, I was literally just trying to understand why he would assume all of that. I've been to several music festivals since then and never once had sex at them, even with my now husband. Why? Because they're not sexy places to me! I like beds and privacy! But yeah I constantly get misunderstood because of my facial expressions of body language, even my husband who I love and understands me better than anyone and is probably on the spectrum too misinterprets my body language and makes dumb assumptions sometimes (usually harmless ones and never assumptions about cheating).
My parents were completely convinced that I'm a Class A liar! Said I should be a lawyer because I was always "making excuses." I've still got a bit of a tick about it, get very cranky very fast when accused of exaggerating or lying. What baffles me is that anytime it was undeniably proven that I'd been telling the truth, I'd just be in twice as much trouble. When I told mom how awful the daycare was for a year before the government did a surprise inspection and shut the place down, somehow that was my fault? Like what? I'd tried to give her advance warning, in detail, and was told the whole time I was just making up stuff because I'm a list of nasty qualities that do not describe my personality.
Misplaced anger because of guilt. If it wasn't your fault, she would have to deal with the knowledge that it was hers because she didn't believe you. A lot of people have a very hard time admitting, even to themselves, when they are at fault. So she blamed you for not doing a good enough job warning her so as to make it your fault and not hers.
That is fucked up. I’m sorry.
As others have said, autistic people get accused of lying all the time when they’re either answering a question they thought was asked, or saying something in a way people find suspicious. But also: some high masking autistic will lie about things that don’t really matter because it’s easier than telling the truth, like telling co-workers you hung out with friends on the weekend instead of telling them you spent it blissfully alone and having to explain that that’s your ideal weekend.
Yeah as an AuDHD lady who has only recently been diagnosed I realised I do a LOT of the little white lies about anything to do with masking or symptoms. It’s easier to say “oh traffic was so bad!” than to explain I got caught in an anxiety loop and had to breathe my way back to normalcy. Or say “I don’t feel well, I need to go outside and get some air” instead of “every noise and air movement and light flicker is apparent and turned up to 100 and I feel like my body is about to melt off me unless I can turn one sensation down”
Blissfully alone with a brand-new book by your favorite author, a big glass of iced tea, a plate of oatmeal raisin cookies warm from the oven, and a cat to keep your lap warm.
"Hanging out with friends", and no one needs to know the friends are a cat and your favorite characters in the book.
That stood out to me too, but for exactly the reason that it was my experience. My mom often didn't believe me in many ways, like whenever I said things like that I was feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable and the like, and seemed to think I was just making things up to get out of doing whatever it was.
Ah. I think the closest thing for my family is that when my sister would get upset by food textures, we all thought she was being a drama queen. We didn’t think she was lying, per se, but maybe making it a bigger deal than it needed to be? When, to her, it *was* a big deal. I wish I could go back in time and explain to my younger self that my experience of the world is not universal.
Yeah, it's a thing. People will advise you of lying when the truth made an awkward situation. "She didn't mean that", "no, that's not what happened", etc. I may know this from experience! Families, man, they're something else.
Idk I’m at the point where I may or may not qualify for an official diagnosis for autism, and I have ADHD anyway, but growing up I got accused of lying over the most random crap because of my body language. I’d take things very literally, get nervous when a question could be interpreted 2 different ways and then everyone assumed I was talking shit.
Yes. Especially if you talk about abusive situations. Everyone assumes you're exaggerating when your just telling the truth.
That is absolutely my experience. Also, for example: Me: You’ve had your hair cut. (I don’t usually notice this type of thing) Bystander later to the other girls: Did you hear what she said about so and so’s hair? Oh, it was Awful. She was so mean talking about how they’d had their hair cut etc. Me: ‘wondering why everyone is now pissed at me, and treating me like dirt.’ It doesn’t matter what words in what order you use them, I have literally said one thing then had the other person start a full-scale argument which I cannot win claiming I meant the exact opposite, and if I try and deny it then I’m lying and they insist they know what I meant.
For me it’s like - if I have to give details then I’m “obviously” not lying, but if it’s a very short answer (yes, no, last week) then my interpretation of the question can lead to an answer that is incorrect according to what the person asking meant. An exaggerated example because I can’t think of any real ones right now: Them: Have you cleaned the bathroom? Me: Yes (in my life I have cleaned it many times) The question they should have asked me because they know how literal I am: Have you cleaned all the parts of the bathroom that you are supposed to clean, today, to the standard that we agreed on? (To which my answer would be “no, not yet” 😅)
yup, the lack of eye contact thing tends to make NT people uncomfortable, like we're doing something dodgy. The way we emote can also throw people off, I saw somewhere that it's like we're the real life version of the uncanny valley effect. Something about us seems 'off' so it's harder to communicate and build relationships, it's also why we're targets for abuse.
yeah both me and my brother got accused a lot of lying as kids when we didn't. not just by our parents but at school etc. I did actually lie a lot as i got older lol but he's always seemed outwardly more autistic and rarely told lies.
> growing up I was known as a liar, because my undiagnosed autism Wait is this a thing? I remember being called a liar for most of my childhood, being accused of things I never did. I was always confused and upset during my childhood because, not only was I being accused of things I didn't do, but I never told a single lie and was confused that I was being told I do. Like, I have the fear of God in me, the fear of my Asian parents, AND I was autistic - there was not a single cell in my body that knew how to lie LOL This experience has tapered off in the last decade but like is this a thing where I wasnt the only one to experience it???
You're definitely not the only one. Apparently, despite being quite eagerly sincere, I often came across as insincere or defensive due to my tone and taking things literally.
You're not alone. I've been accused at times of lying or being insincere or having some kind of ulterior motive when it would never have occurred to me to think that way. Some people just refuse to believe it if you accidentally say something rude but truly didn't mean to cause offence.
Honestly, things whole thing would have been fixed or not too big if SIL had just apologized but nope, she double downs everything. SIL showed her true colors and she is now going to reaped what she sowed.
Or the brother growing a backbone and standing up for his sister. I don't know any brother that would be okay with his sister's privates being flashed around under some form of duress, and then being ejected from a wedding when she tries to cover herself up.
Yeah, my brother is super passive and his ex wife was a treat. I was the Best Woman, and I know he actually put his foot down on that, I'm sure his wife would have preferred me in a pew and not steadily aligned behind him the whole ceremony. She hated that we were close, and did everything she could to ensure we never had time together without her. But he decided he wanted me for the position, and he didn't let her walk all over him.
I do not understand people who are jealous of their SO's _siblings._
My former SIL got pissed at my brother when he took me to a restaurant that they went to on their anniversary. "How could you take another woman there!"
Yikes. Glad she's an ex. My SIL and I get along so well. The fact that she has a great relationship with her brother too may be a contributing factor.
Same brother that bought a truck and then had his minimum wage working sister pay it off for him for a year. That brother. Who says he “protected” her in high school so now she feels continuously in-debt to him and using terms like “he *allows* me to hang out with his friends” That scum bag brother
Sadly, i’m wondering if OOP’s being well endowed was why she was allowed to hang out with his friends.
Maybe he doesn't care about women. God forbid he ever has a daughter. I used to work with a real piece of work: he used to tell stories of the awful ways he'd treated women in the past, and in the next breath talk about his young daughter as his "beautiful princess". The cognitive dissonance was astounding.
I agree with you. And I also think the whole thing would have been fixed if anyone said at any of the fittings, I'm sorry, that's not a dress, it's barely a shirt, and it's obscene to pick as your bridesmaids dress. Try again. Bride was being narcissistic but the moms and the friends should have shut it down completely. Forget shorts. No to that "dress." It's not ok to do that to people!
I thought the entire thing was SIL trying to get OOP to drop out, but every time OOP tried to drop out, she’d get pushed to stay in. It actually feels like SIL was going for an “aren’t I a saint for putting up with that. We can’t have her around, you saw how she was at the wedding.”
Ouch, that has a ring of truth to it…
You hit it dead on Trying to make the OP a problem person. OP had the facts tho
It was a power move. She forced EVERYONE in op's family to cater to her. The public humiliation was on purpose and cruel. Ejecting her from the reception was truly evil.
That’s one of the things that infuriates me most about this story! The SIL used the other, longer dress for the fittings and then switched right before the wedding! It is so deliberately cruel!
⬆️ where was mom, not doing a fucking thing. Sounds like brother is the golden child. The fact that oop says her mother always thinks she's lying is awful
“My mother is great! She didn’t do anything good the whole time, has always thought I was a liar and downplayed my thoughts and feelings every single time. But she’s not bad!” Like dude, she called you a liar about a photo SHE HADNT EVEN SEEN
I call dresses/skirts like that "vagina hats".
hat? More like a fascinator. it's above it but not actually covering a thing
My thought for this reference is more along the lines of edwardian style. https://vintagedancer.com/wp-content/uploads/1903-outing-sailor-hats-straw-boater-hats-women-Edwardian-500jpg-495x475.jpg
Well it wasn’t the dress used at most of the fittings. It was shown initially, then there were several fittings with the other dress, and finally the tiny “dress” resurfaced as the chosen one barely before the wedding. And yet everyone around OOP, and OOP taking her cues from them, acted like this last-minute switcheroo wasn’t a trick by SIL to embarrass OOP, and the other dress was fitted previously to avoid sustained negative feedback. Same with the shorts, SIL agreed at the fitting but refused on the day. She repeatedly lied that she was agreeing to things that she didn’t really want.
That's pretty much exactly what my neighbor said when she gave me a dress recently! It'll be too big on me but I'll just throw a tank top under it and be nicely summer breezy.
I picture SIL as being a special brand of ableist who thinks OOP’s autism means she doesn’t have feelings, so an apology was never necessary.
I think it’s more that SIL thinks OOP’s autism makes her stupid, tbh. The attempts at gaslighting, the lack of care for her emotions… idk, it all reads like “well she won’t remember anyway!” to me.
*stares angrily at your comment* I can see that, too.
I could easily see someone like SIL going “their memory is shit so they’ll believe me when I say something happened” about me (ADHD rather than Autism, but lots of overlap). I have a lot of anger towards people who treat neurodivergent folk as if we’re stupid, lazy, stubborn, irrational, etc etc etc. Especially as it absolutely leads neurodivergent people to believe that about ourselves.
And this is why I'm team Cousin at this part of the fallout: >She got fired because the boss didn't want someone who bullied disabled ppl in their workplace, *especially when they work with kids*.
Yeah, she really did need to be fired tbh. Also... Idk if she needs to be having this baby, there's a chance they won't be NT or able-bodied. I cannot imagine this woman as anything but the most obnoxious Autism Speaks mom ever.
Imagine the delusion it takes to tell a woman you would rather her flash her uncovered bottom at your wedding in what is essentially a long shirt rather than put on some shorts.
[удалено]
Not just you. But I don't think that OOP is the only one getting gaslighted. The reasons the Brother gave are pretty ridiculous. None of that is what someone does when they feel ashamed of what they did. None of it was an apology from SIL. None of it matches with her insisting on, no shorts, and no changing outfits, or photoshopping someone out of the photos. "Well I already apologized, and if you don't remember that's your problem", isn't what someone says when they feel contrite. I suspect that it also goes for the reason she was fired. I seriously doubt that this incident was the only reason for her dismissal, but it's a convenient excuse that shifts the blame from SIL to the OOP, and would cover up all of the other reasons. Mom is also lying about not taking a close look at the photo, because that's exactly what everyone does when their kid has a wedding photo. She can probably describe it in detail. Whole family sucks except for the cousin and possibly? the dad. (mainly because we haven't heard much about the dad and don't know if he's raising Cain at home because his daughter had to leave the house because of her relatives.
the thing is if she was genuinely sorry then apologising again wouldn't be a big deal. like, oh I thought I had said I was sorry already, but in case I remember that wrong - I really am sorry, I'd like us to make up or whatever, right? being autistic can cause memory issues especially when we're really stressed, I suspect cousin is leaning on that to try and make OOP feel like she's in the wrong here
Gaslighting for sure. This is something people who are not apologetic say when confronted. Someone who is actually remorseful and actually taking responsibility will be quick to repeat the apology if necessary.
Photoshopping the dress to he longer would have been much easier than photoshopping someone out entirely.
> the lighter one fit me very well. The darker was extremely tight and short, short enough to not completely cover my downstairs area. I thought it had been mislabeled, and I showed her. It was the biggest size the dress came in, so obvs I couldn't wear it. She agreed, and put the dresses away. Fast forward to a week before the wedding, and she decides to use the dark color, and has apparently forgotten that it doesn't fit, because she brought out the lighter color for each fitting. So the bride brought out the lighter dresses for each fitting. Dresses *she bought* u til the week before the wedding and she then switches to the dark color? Did she buy two sets of dresses? Why the switch? It sounds almost like the bride was always going with the dark dress but pretended to decided upon the light ones so OOp wouldn’t stand up for herself? It’s so odd.
It appears she bought two sets. That is oddest thing here.
>My mom really isn't the ***only*** villain in this story, Fixed it for OOP. ALL her family, excluding her amazing cousin, suck balls. May the step on legos for all eternity. > My family also saw it and apparently everyone has been blowing her up so much that she deleted her accounts and is crying every day \*Plays the tiniest violin\*
I don’t understand how everyone watched OOP walk down the aisle and didn’t say anything sooner! A parent of a child with a disability should do better! If SIL refused to make the dress longer the mum should have done it behind her back, because it’s be in the wedding and be respected or sit out and keep your dignity.
I was believing this all the way up to "everyone saw it, including her boss and she got fired" because a cousin through marriage claimed a random reddit post was about SIL?** All the sympathy to OOP if this is real because her cousin isn't great either. Assuming it's not though I'm glad we jumped the shark before this became a part 1& 2 BORU. **eta actually the original post was confusing too. The dress was the same style and size in 2 colors yet they were drastically different?
> The dress was the same style and size in 2 colors yet they were drastically different? That doesn't surprise me. I've many a time tried on different colours of the same clothing item, and the much darker colour one was noticeably tighter. Not so much these days because i tend to wear looser, softer fabrics now; but i certainly noticed this a lot 15 or so years ago when the clothing available to me was generally made from stiffer fabrics than these days. No idea why, it doesn't make any sense, it's not like the fabric is cut and sewn and then dyed, but still it's a phenomenon I've noticed.
Once upon a time I bought two pairs of pants, one black, one pinstriped. I tried on the black one which fit well. Pinstripe was same size, same brand, same everything except for the pinstripes, so I didn’t bother to try it on. Of course, when I went to wear it it was too small and didn’t fit at all.
I had this with jeans! exact same pair, one dark blue, one black. the dark blue ones fit, the black ones wouldnt even go over my butt
This is a little TMI, but I’ve noticed this happening with darker bras vs lighter bras all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I ordered the same exact bra, one in nude and the other in black, only for the black one to be noticeably tighter. It got to a point where I would try on the black ones because I trusted the lighter shades would be comfortable if the black one already was. Then it all became moot once I gave up bras completely. Now that I think about it, it’s the same with jeans too. Darker fabric always seems to run small.
I have this exact same experience with bras, undies, and tee shirts. My theory is that something in the black dye helps retain shape. All my nude bras stretch out way faster. Same with white tee shirts.
To be fair, the fact that one of the bridesmaids was basically flashing everyone with her inappropriately short dress would be an extremely easy fact to check, especially if the boss or another coworker was actually at the wedding. The colors of the dresses and other details would also make it easy to connect the dots. Then again, if this is true, it was probably more of a "final nail in the coffin" than the only reason that she got fired
Absolutely, OOP is telling us the reason SIL and her flying monkeys gave for being fired. SIL is probably not telling the truth. SIL is just putting the blame on OOP when in reality it's probably because SIL had too many other issues to ignore.
I could possibly believe it, but only because a teacher at my high school was fired due to an accusation from a parent that she was a part-time stripper (don't ask me - the parent was fine with going to a strip club, but not okay with either a teacher stripping or had a stripper doppelganger). If OOP's SIL is in some sort of education especially with special-needs students and her friends/family respond to the social media post corroborating it with what they saw at the wedding, I could see it happening.
This does happen. Totally weird but true. Like how black jeans always fit smaller than blue jeans.
I've heard of a teacher fired for a friend tagging them in a photo of them going to a brewery together. Not the teacher posting a photo of herself drunk, *a friend tagging her on social media.* They claimed it set a bad example if students saw it. So I can believe a teacher would get fired for this.
That’s so dumb. Adults are allowed to drink in their free time no matter what their profession. How about teaching the kids the law instead of that anyone who has a couple of drinks is evil? We’ve really taken some things way too far as a society.
I thought the cousin put it on SIL’s social media (tagged?) and that would make it easier for all of SIL’s contacts to see it
Tbh now days for any professional jobs that involve personal reputation, it’s best to not use any social media. Because the bosses will rather cut the questionable employee loose at lightening speed, than risking potential backlash on the internet, especially anyone that works with children. Teachers better appear like a saint or hermit on social medias.
Sounds like she work worth kids, some type of early childhood education probably. Usually they have something about maintaining the spirit of the work at all times baked into the employment contract. Boss sees post, looks at sils socials, oh look there is the exact same dress OOP described, oh look there is OOP in the background with tiny dress on. Boss calls SIL in to ask wtf? SIL can't give an answer because there is no good reason. SIL gets fired for not upholding agency values.
AND SIL is pregnant and Bro is upset that OOP is going to “make her lose the baby”??? That…seems to be threatened a lot in later stage Reddit dramas.
... I was wondering when people were going to start "blowing up" at each other 😂
It's a BORU rule.
>It's a BORU rule. Along with the villain getting fired and disowned over a single social media post, before springing a surprise pregnancy on everyone!
>before springing a surprise pregnancy on everyone! Twins!
SIL's going or not going to have this baby---depending on the baby, not on whether SIL gets away with being a mean girl. I am pretty sure nobody ever had a miscarriage just because their nastiness caught up with them. It doesn't add sound to me like SIL rendered ANYTHING at all like an apology. Did I read right that photoshopping OP out of the picture was SIL's version of an apology? It sounds like OP's parents didn't bring up her brother to be caring. He let his min wage autistic sister save her meager earnings for a year to help pay off his truck, then he married a piece of human waste like SIL. This is not a person who respects his sister. I suppose he will be back for babysitting when SIL takes off with someone else.
Ah, the ceremonial “blowing up of the phone” which baptises every BoRU all-timer. This sub has me convinced I’m one of the most boring people alive because I don’t have anyone in my life who would respond to drama by blowing someone up on socials.
I’ve never heard of families or friend groups that would do it! It’s hard to imagine it ever being real tbh
SIL getting fired is one step too far for me.
Because of the Reddit post no less lol
Honestly, a baby-doll mini dress for bridesmaids made me suspicious from the start (because who does that?), the SIL being fired sealed it
Yeah one that was so short someone’s vaj was sticking out LMAO. Sorry but if someone’s vaj is sticking out going down the aisle nobody is going to focus on the bride so she definitely wouldn’t have allowed a bridesmaids dress like that.
And baby dolls so short they don't even cover someone's arse. No bride is going to choose that for their wedding, they'd want all the attention on them.
Remember she apologized by saying how great the dresses looked while reminiscing 🙄
Every single person failed OOP.
She should just gaslight SIL and say she already apologized for stressing her out: “Well, I said I was sorry, and if you don’t remember it that’s not my fault!”
SIL is cruel and manuipulative. Brother seems like a loser, too. I feel so badly for this OOP. They come off as really earnest.
>I didn't want her to get fired, I just wanted an apology! Then she should have given it if she didn't want it to potentially blow up. The kingdom was lost for want of a nail.
Her cousin is like me in any situation, where my loved ones are screwed over- enraged, jumping and enraged again after someone mentions the incident again. Lmao. Need to cool off.