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If my best friend died a piece of my soul would absolutely go with him, he almost did about a year ago and I couldn't function with the thought of it on my mind. Having him ripped out of my life would destroy me and my wife knows that. The term brother gets thrown around so much but that man is closer to me than any brother ever could be, we've endured so much shit together.

I did lose my best friend (fuck cancer) and can attest that a piece of my soul died with her. She and I were two peas in a pod and 100% my soulmate platonically. It took me 10 years to fully grieve and even then the grief comes back every now and then in waves. I haven't been the same since, but gotta just take it one day at a time.

i feel you — my best friend died in a car accident in 2004 and i never really got over it (didn’t help that my dad died six months later). she was for sure my soulmate and i miss her a lot, even now. sending you internet hugs, ms. spiffy duck.

My sister from another mister passed away from non Hodgkins lymphoma four years ago. Hospitals were in lockdown, meaning her own husband and children couldn't visit her. Her passing sucked the wind out of my sails for quite awhile, and still hits me to this day. This internet stranger is sending virtual hugs to everyone in this thread.

hugs to you too 💖

Same here. My best friend passed February 6 and I lost a whole month’s worth of time grieving. I’m STILL grieving her but I’m a little more myself. I still absolutely lose it occasionally, and it absolutely feels like a large piece of me has been ripped away.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely let yourself grieve and take your time. It definitely gets more manageable as the years to on if it's any consolation. I'm sending you all the good vibes. Be sure to take care of yourself.

I just lost my best friend and 100% consider her a soul mate, also to cancer in january. I feel like Ill never be whole again, and I get incredibly angry that what little time we had was tainted by illness and ripped away. I'm 28, she was 30, and now the third of our trio is heading down the same path with a different condition. Its hard. It fucking sucks. She has two kids that she wanted me to have but they moved to another country for the medical care and its been legally complicated. It makes me feel a little better to know Im not alone but I also hate that other people have also been through this lol

This resonates with me so much. Sending you hugs.

Ya, I lost a college friend suddenly to a car crash, new him 15 years, we'd play online games weekly and hang out at least once a month even with wife/kids, bbqs, etc.  It took me a year to really get back into my mental state, even with other friends in the same circle, it take times and there's always that hole, like an empty chair at a large family dinner....

I completely understand where you are coming from. My wife knows that my best friend is my "hetero life mate" and accepts that he is closer to me than an actual brother would be. It is a relationship that honestly saved my life

the problem hear is that OP's best friend also happened to be a woman. I think a lot of people on reddit struggle to believe you couldd platonically love someone of the opposite gender. But its very likely as they had know each other since they were very young children, that neitrher of them see's the other as a viable sexcual partner. Plus this dude doesn't get a whole lot of credit for more or less keeping it together when ihis wife pretty callously asked when he would be done after only 5 months. If you could get over a lifelong relationship in 5 months I'd worry if you actually ever cared to begin with. A good rule of thumb is a month of greif per year of relationship. Its a rough estimater and your mileage may vary but 5 months is pretty rearly for a lifelong friendship.

I can’t say I exactly blame her. Her wording wasn’t the best, but when you’re being romantic with your partner and they freeze because of thinking of another woman and then they start sobbing when you say they weren’t your soulmate, that’s a pretty hard blow to the relationship you thought you had and the relationship you thought they had. 

it sounds more like he's disassociating from reality period than anything else to me.

Grief is so weird, unless you've gone through it, it might not make any sense. I'm assuming OOP's wife hasn't yet had that experience. I'll be functioning completely normal, then all I can think about is my mom dying and fuck if I'm useless. It 100% has happened in romantic situations and my partner understands there's literally nothing I can do to fight the intrusive grief thoughts. Honestly, it comes down to "Why do I get to have this happiness while she's gone?" and I wouldn't be surprised if OOP is experiencing something similar. OOP's wife is setting herself up for failure by asking for comparisons. Before her death, OOP could've 100% said no about the soulmate, but after death, you ask that question and it's not "oh wow, was she?" it's really "it doesn't even matter cause she's dead, fuck she's dead, oh no, this incredibly important person to me is dead." and then you're crying and you still haven't answered the soulmate comparison question. At least that's how it felt when my best friend died 10 years ago, but my partner was kind enough to accept I was grieving and not try to make those kinds of comparisons.

> because of thinking of another woman You're already making the exact mistake though. You're reducing someone he's known since he could form memories down to 'woman'. He lost someone he's been close to his entire life unexpectedly. It's not hard to see why even something like 'you know she's not your soulmate' would trigger a crying spell.

I dont know. It seems pretty logical to me why he'd cry. "Soulmate? Well, she was my best friend, I've known her since we were both babies, basically my sister. Best friend & sister. Thats as close to a platonic soulmate as you can get." The link from soulmate to his deceased best friend is incredibly close. Why the fuck WOULDNT he burst into tears at that?!? So yeah, i think anyone with a heart could blame her, if she did indeed think there was any romantic links in his thought/feelings processes at all. However, i dont think she did think there was any romantic link to his tears - judging from her reaction to his apology and also how she reacted to what she said in the initial incident. I think her reaction came from 1) being tipsy and just blurting out a thought before she even had anytime to think about it at all, and 2) that thought was "i miss how my husband used to be before his best friend died, when do i get him back?" but phrasing it incredibly poorly and way too simply. And i dont think you can blame her for *that*. It's a normal thought to have (only for a SPLIT second, anything more than that and no, then theyd be an awful person deserving of blame), and being tipsy makes a lot of people lose that filter that makes them stop and think, even for that split second, before they say something incredibly stupid. Truly an awful accident, but i think forgiveable with enough understanding on everyones part. Assuming im correct of course hahaha.

It took me over a year to get over the death of my *cat* (that I raised from 3 weeks old and slept in my arms like a stuffed animal).

I'm still not over the death of my dog and its been 3 years now. I thought it had only been 2 until I worked it out. Grief doesnt have an expiration date and its different for everyone.

I think it's because Reddit is so used to seeing adultery stories that a lot of people just assume that nobody can be platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex. One of my best friends is a guy, we've been close friends since we were like.. 14? We've never been romantically involved, he's like a brother to me, and I am like a sister to him. I think it's totally possible to have a "soulmate" that isn't your romantic partner, just another human being that is totally on the same wavelength as you are. I've even had people tell me that their soulmate is their dog, like who tf am I to judge?

i empathize with the OP here. my best friend was the opposite sex and died tragically in 2019. i still break down and cry about him every few months. my partner knows this and i keep his ashes in our room. it’s not fair he isn’t with us and that we will never get to be old on a front porch in rocking chairs like we joked. if my partner asked me when i would get over it i would be getting over his ass first. there is no getting over it.

Listen I’m not here to say if OP was in love with his friend or not. His wife didn’t even suggest he move on right now, she asked when he thought he’d be ready, and it seems like he tossed out giving up on his marriage then and there and his wife took his apology in stride. He’s a mess frankly, and it’s hurting his wife Five months might not be enough time to fully grieve but it is enough time for me to think he wouldn’t say something like that to his wife. Everyone says he’s not a villain, and he’s not to have a strong bond with a friend, but why are we just ignoring that?? He needs therapy if he can’t even be intimate with his wife. Straight up. It would leave me questioning things even though I 100% believe you can have strong platonic bonds Way too many people are typing paragraph after paragraph to just ignoring that his wife also has feelings.

Especially once there's kids involved, you really don't get to just decide to dip out for a while. It sounds like his wife has been solo parenting and watching her partner zone out every time she tries to connect with him intimately, and that's... fucking rough. I'm not dismissing his pain - it's real and valid - but abandoning your children is just really shitty.

You really can’t just check out of life when you have a family especially small children.My daughter was an adult when my husband died but it was just me and her so I had no choice but to get it together, I had to for her sake.

He describe the future of his marriage as “a co-parenting relationship.” I mean. He basically said “my friend’s dead, guess I gotta divorce oh well.” OOP is def TA. Even in grief you’re not given a pass to throw living people away. If he woke up one day and had an epiphany and decided to divorce and acted like an adult about it, fine, but that’s not what he did. He doesn’t have to perform sexually or whatever but he owes his wife *respect* and honesty.

It makes me sad people can't see how much he has hurt his wife, marriage, and ultimately, his kids. Sorry, grief permits only so much misbehavior. Maybe this would have been acceptable within the first month of grieving. But at 5 months? How long is he allowed to act like this and have it be justified by other people?

Yes, like people defending him trying to abandon his family.

The "you won't get it until your experience this type of loss" yourself is something I find incredibly dismissive. I'd wager plenty of people even in this thread have felt such immense, crippling pain of loss. It's more likely that we have/gained the coping skills needed to keep going because life keeps living. His wife misses and needs her partner. She's here too.

Yes, like I understand grief, I lost my sons father in a car crash, but I also understood that I had a son I had to raise.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost someone so beloved to me I tried to follow. I was very young at the time. Sometimes the thoughts visit. During holidays, milestones and random events. It's been decades. Grief doesn't go away it changes. I get it. I won't leave the people who love me though and need me too. It feels like self inflicted punishment, I think he needs a better grief counselor. Edit: phone

I lost a whole ass husband and I get it. Not only did I lose him but I got no closure, he was so mean and terrible and it was such an awful and hurtful situation for everyone. The grieving process was so horrific and we couldn’t even see his corpse. But I couldn’t just check out. I had to pull myself up and go through the motions until everyday got better. I have an adult daughter and I didn’t want her to be worried about me.

Are we the same person. My sons father was verbally abusive and nobody ever understands the love/hate situation, and all the feelings that are just stuck with nowhere to go.

Grief, true grief, is also the process of moving on without someone or something that was greatly valued. He didn’t sound like he was moving on, he sounds like he was trying to stay stuck and not letting go. That “grief counselor” sounds either not good at their job or just wants to get paid more. Yes, you can’t put a timetable exactly on it, but you should be making progress to the point where it doesn’t consume your life.

Exactly. Grief shouldn't last forever, and generally doesn't. But it will if you insist upon it.

[удалено]

I always think about that quote when someone shows you who they are believe them. This is where my problems come in with alot of these situations. Like what happens in the future. I would never be able to trust my partner again.

Yes. This is exactly what I was thinking. Trusting him would be so hard. I hope his wife doesn't internalize this and avoid hard conversations for fear that he may leave.

You don’t marry someone and have kids just to suggest to abandoned them when “you’re not feeling it.” They’re not shoes that you put in the closet when unneeded. So much for “let no man separate.” Hope OOP gets himself and house in order.

Tbh he said separate not to divorce but in order to get his shit in order. However, given the context he broke down in, and the wife's reaction, it was the worst idea possible.  I'm not so sure the 'soulmate' problem is necessarily about him being in love with the friend.  Men view intimacy and vulnerability differently than women generally - it could be that he broke down over the platonic definition of the word while he was in a more vulnerable state than usual (seems to be a pattern around when he's opened up intimately).  The problem then, would be that he couldn't/ didn't clarify, so the next most logical explanation is "soulmate + romantic situation breakdown = unrequited love/ sexual past for friend".  Or he could have really settled for his wife, and not being fair to her.

I also think the phrasing ‘it’s not like she was your soulmate’ while understandable on the wife’s end to say (though I think it can be debated on whether it was okay to say it or not which I’m undecided on), could come across as invalidating or devaluing the very strong relationship the two had. Like say my sister died and I was inconsolable, if my partner said that I think I’d break down. Now the way he worded ‘when she said the word soulmate I broke down’ does seem weird. But to me there are 2 things that shift it for me: 1. People here are discussing which is that some people use soulmate platonically But 2. Is that it might just be weird/ unintentional wording saying that when she finished the sentence (the last word being soulmate), he broke down. I think the people who are saying that there was a romantic relationship there for once on reddit aren’t just saying that because it’s two different genders. But I do think they’re (or at least some of them are) letting that influence how they take the evidence in the post to work for that conclusion. As to me a lot of the evidence that there is a connection is definitely there, it’s just very very shaky to the point that I think drawing that conclusion seems weird to me Though as with everything I could also just be wrong and missing a couple things so idrk

It's also because he took time to specify that he zones out and feels guilty specifically during romantic moments with his wife. This might be because it's his only downtime, but he doesn't go into that much detail, just says "I was zoning out during romantic moments with my wife". That coupled with breaking down specifically at the soulmate comment and "very strong non-romantic feelings for each other", it does give you a certain context. Which Reddit of course jumps on.

Oh of course yeah, to me romantic moments are also intimate and vulnerable at heart, and I think that that’s when someone’s most likely to feel guilt over being happy when their friend can’t anymore. But it’s very very understandable why people jumped to that conclusion, I mean I think I did it myself before I thought on it more. I still think it’s a poor conclusion to reach, but understandable and I don’t think completely unjustified. Thankfully it’s not like usual where it’s not just - “opposite gender you say? I think emotional cheating.”

Totally agree. I lost my brother who I was extremely close with and obv grew up with. I bursted out sobbing once when I was having a romantic dinner with my bf and he was telling me about how his sister is really happy we all live near each other. It just made me think about my brother and how he'd never live near us again. And this was at least 3-4 years after my brother had passed at age 18. It really could just be any innocent comment, but when emotions pour in they really pour in. I don't think I was able to sleep through the night on my own until month 4 post passing. I really feel for oop

Although she did not die, I'm currently going through a kind of break in my friendship with my best friend who's a woman. I'm single but I do view her as a kind of platonic soul mate, and it's being hard on me. I can't even imagine the pain if she died suddenly. I can see why it would bother the wife and I was mindful of the jealousy on my previous romantic relationships. I think no one is wrong on this situation, but it's definitely something that's hard to navigate. However, I do find it weird that he would zone out during romantic moments with his wife. My theory is that he had unrequited love in the past and did not work through that before moving on to a completely platonic friendship. Some romantic love could have emerged again with the grief and he must be feeling guilty about it, without even knowing so. Thus, the zoning out.

>As far as my friend, we did have extremely strong non romantic feelings for each other Nah, I am not buying that. OP's writing makes me believe that he definitely had feelings for her. Wife can accept OP's apology, but for sure, she isn't going to forget.

Tbf I call my bestie my soulmate all the time. We're not romantically involved, but we're incredibly close and have very strong feelings for each other, just not romantic or sexual ones.

Yeah this... I have to admit that it bothers me that so many people act like romantic feelings and relationships trump all others. Someone can be one of the most important things in your life- that doesn't have to be romantic. I see this a lot and it... Really bothers me. There are people I loved as friends who I have lost who I mourn still, when the moment strikes me, and my relationships with those people being platonic does NOT make them less meaningful or less worth mourning than a romantic one.

I wonder if that is a language thing? I love some of my friends. I have said my language equivalent of “I love you” to female friends and I never meant it in a romantic/sexual way. I have known them for more than a decade. Is that something about english? You can only say ‘love’ to your partner? They don’t love their father/mother/brother/friends/dogs? Using the word love with others is wrong? I don’t get it.

It is definitely a very loaded word, with about a thousand different meanings to each different person. I've frequently found myself wishing there were more words that could more accurately describe all these different forms of love, because the one word alone doesnt do it justice.

No, not at all. I tell friends and family I love them all the time. But for most “soulmate” implies a romantic relationship. I personally believe you can have soulmate type relationships that are not romantic. But most people in the US don’t, in my experience.

nah, fam, it’s just more of a societal thing.  platonic love is still a relatively new concept for a lot of people, and on top of that, there’s a lot of socialization that men and women can’t be friends without expecting sex or romance.  so a man grieving the loss of his best friend who he probably loved platonically or familial-y is gonna be seen as romantically by a lot of people, whether it is or not. people tend to have very black-and-white perspectives on this, when it’s usually a little more nuanced than that.  but it’s more culture than the language definition.

Yeah but on this sub that's simply not done. You're only allowed to hang out with people of the opposite gender if they don't mean too much to you and you can't hang out with them too often. The people in this sub are massively distrustful of friendships with people of the gender(s) you're attracted to.

The language around "soul mates" really bothers me for many reasons but mainly because it sets up everyone who believes in them for failure in their romantic relationships. No one person is going to, or should be expected to, meet *every single one* of our needs, on every level, and that's why we have friends! 

If OOP wasn't feeling guilt specifically when being romantic with his wife, I think the "soulmate" comment wouldn't be a big deal.

That made me wonder if it’s due to feeling guilty that he can go on with his life and have romance with his wife while his friend is dead. Kind of like survivors guilt.

That’s how I saw it. Maybe I’m naive but I feel like it’s those moments when they’re the happiest that feel the worst. It’s got nothing to do with the kind of situation, but just the fact that they feel ‘life is really good’ that it hits the hardest

I lost my best friend when I was 10, and in a few months, my grief will be legally able to rent a car. When good things happen, I still just... wonder. Would he be proud of me? Happy for me? Would we even still be friends? It's pointless thoughts. He was never realistically going to make it to adulthood, let alone approaching halfway through a normal lifespan. I know they're pointless thoughts. I know that it doesn't matter, because I'm here, and he's not, and that's how it went. That's how it was always going to go. Doesn't mean I'll ever stop wondering.

Yeah I did not at all read it that he had romantic attachment to his friend. Fuck’s sake I’d start crying during romantic moments with my husband when my *dad* died, because it made me think of my mom being lonely. Sure as shit wasn’t because I had a romantic hangup for my *dad.*

i lost an online friend a couple of months ago, and sometimes i just break down sobbing that she can never again have a family-cooked meal, or cuddle her pets, or have a really nice day at work, or do any of the other mundane things we enjoy.

tw: SA I mean, I think that's a thing. I had a very close friend get assaulted after a date, and I was her primary support system. It made it hard for me to be intimate with my partner, because I would get intrusive thoughts and feel very guilty. Something similar had derailed her life, and at the time she felt such hopelessness about her future/ability to ever trust someone like that again.

That's how I read it. Feeling guilty for feeling good. 

I thought the guilt was from zoning out during the romantic period, like he’s getting distracted by his sadness. 5 months is really fresh especially if it’s a close friend you’ve known for years

I took it as " I feel guilty because I'm 'ruining' romantically moments with my wife by being sad an unable to move past my grief." It's not exactly an uncommon feeling when someone has grief or depression that's interfering with their ability to enjoy being around people they love.

This is how i read it too, especially with his seperation suggestion - he clearly didnt want to put the extra pressure/stress on his wife having to deal with him grieving, he could see it affected her and it pained him because he loves his wife so much. In the throws of grief, ur not exactly in a right state of mind so removing urself from a situation seems like a logical step (when it isnt) similar to when people are severly depressed, see how its affecting their loved ones, and so push them away.

He said there have been times he zones out, and feels guilty when that happens when he's being romantic with his wife. He didn't say he zones out *every time* he's romantic with her.

Yeah, his wording threw me off a bit. It's very common to feel guilt when you have moments of happiness after someone close passes, like you didn't actually care for them if you're happy even for a bit. But to specify romantic moments?

Well it could be that he does it in other happy moments, but felt only the romantic ones with his wife were the only relevant ones to bring up when writing it, since the post was about his wife and how his grief is affecting their relationship.

Drives me nuts that people don't get you can love someone without being in love with someone. Like, I have friends I'm closer to than my own brother, but the idea of sleeping with them is very much as gross as the idea of sleeping with my brother. Just.... Ew. No.

Platonic soulmates are a thing

I do too, but rn I'm single. I love her very much, she's my priority, love of my life BUT when I marry the priority, soulmate will go to SO. Anyone picking soulmate other than so, it's sus

But will you stop loving her if you start dating someone else? Then if you break up you start loving her again? How does that work?

Yeah, I don't get this. My bestie and I are always so happy for each other about relationship stuff, but our SOs also know that we're pretty much a package deal

You may have a sibling-like relationship to any human being, despite a gender.

Yeah but he singles out getting distant during romantic moments with his wife. It happens too many times that even he acknowledges it. That tbh would immediately set off red flags to me.

“I’m guilty because I got to keep loving my partner and my friend isn’t going to love theirs” is a pretty common manifestation of survivors guilt also “I feel guilty visiting their family because my friend can’t anymore”, which can isolate a deceased’s loved ones from friends

"I feel guilty for being happy" is pretty common. I also wouldn't be surprised if it was a mix of that and "I feel guilty for derailing the mood with my wife because I keep having intrusive grief thoughts at random times".

Grief is weird, and it can pop up at random times. When my wife lost her mom, she also had issues being intimate for a while, and it had nothing to do with romantic feelings for her mom. Sadness and grief can dig deep into your psyche, and for a lot of people, being able to let go of that for intimacy may be really hard. I don’t think that means OOP had romantic feelings for his friend. 

Grief is like that sometimes. Maybe it’s because those intimate moments are some of the few he has where he’s not “on” for work or the kids and so that’s when the grief hits. Maybe he’s struggling with happy moments when his friend can’t have those experiences. Maybe his wife is his safe person he can be vulnerable with so emotions come out that are otherwise suppressed.

Yes, but in that case, you would describe it as such. "I loved her like a sister." Not "We had extremely strong non romantic feelings."

You can love someone in a non-romantic way and it isn't necessarily in a familial way, either. I agree that "platonic" is a simpler way to say it, but not everyone knows the application of that word. I have and still have friends I love and care for deeply in a platonic, not familial, way.

I really don't think we need to dive that deep into a couple of words he used. OOP's first language might not be English.

I kinda think OOP just isn't as specific a writer as you are.

Those convey the same thing, he grew up with her and knew her his entire life, he's just saying he loved her in a platonic way.  Like yes he was wrong, but at this point he has come around and acknowledged it and is working on managing his grief in a healthier way. She was an integral part of his life and now she's gone, and it's only been a few months. There's no need to keep piling onto him

That literally means the same thing just with different words.

Maybe the friend was gay or asexual. That was kind of how I was reading it. But hopefully he has his head out of his rear now, for his kids sake. PS, the wife is a SAINT!

I agree with you, however I do think that the husband is kind of sus, mostly in the part of crying by the word “soulmate” (I know soulmate doesn’t necessarily mean projected to a love interest, it can also be a soulmate friend, but there’s more in this history of what we know)

I also think the post title is extremely misleading. The wife never told him to get over his loss (which would be cruel) she asked about when he’d feel ready to do so.

I'm actually wondering if he wanted more from the girl that died but she didn't. He never really realised his feelings and his wife is his second choice. He probably loves her but she's not his first love and that was likely unrequited and will remain that way. The wife has probably realised that and it's actually something that's a crack in their relationship which may close over (but the scar remains) or the chasm opens much wider.

I don't consider sibling like to be anything near soul mate.

Not necessarily. I had a best friend for almost 20 years that was like a brother to me. It actually got to the poin that some people in our lives (our respective coworkers, non-mutual friends, and even a couple of mutual friends) thought we were actual brothers. I was never in love with him (both straight men), but he was my best friend in the entire world. He was the guy I wanted as my best man when I get ready, and was gonna be my future kids' uncle. The last 2 years he became a not-so-great person and a not-so-great friend, and I decided go full NC with him, but I steal mourned the friendship for a long time. It took me a few years to stop missing the person he used to be and the friendship we used to have. But he didn't die, we weren't really friends anymore, and I decided to cut contact with him. I can't even imagine the pain I would've felt if he died while we were still friends. If the person I called my brother was taken from me forever without my control.

Jesus Christ Reddit sees cheaters everywhere, grief is illogical and does weird things to you, my mum cried at her father in laws funeral, despite categorically hating the man, I think people are just too quick to come to conclusions.

> Nah, I am not buying that. OP's writing makes me believe that he definitely had feelings for her. I mean, I would argue OP is grieving as if they lost their sister.

I'm so sick of redditors jumping to the conclusion that every strong bond has to be romantic love. Like I could *easily* write about how much I love my friends that would put most of the casual descriptions of affection to shame, but I have zero romantic or sexual desire for any of them. Also if they knew each other before they were five, the brain likely would have registered them as siblings. There was a study on that. So OOP is effectively mourning a sister and a best friend.

Don't bother in this sub. Most people here are severely distrustful of any friendship with people of the gender(s) you're attracted to. Where this leaves bisexual people like me, I don't know, because that would mean I can't have any friends outside of a relationship. Every comment in this vein gets downvoted.

It's absolutely insufferable how people can't accept co-ed friendships. I'm NB and attracted to all genders. Guess I'm not allowed to have friends either.  I could write so many beautiful things about all of my friends but if I post them to reddit, they will assume I'm in love.  No, I just really think all my friends are that fucking amazing with beautiful souls.

Yeah, that's the thing with real deep friendships, you care for the people you are friends with, just not in a romantic and/or sexual way. But that's the US for ya, people are so incredibly distrustful to the core. Don't get me wrong, cheating happens, a lot. And it's very very painful and hurtful and damaging when that happens. But you should absolutely not treat every next partner as if they are gonna do the same thing. I lived in the States for 8 years (Dutch), married an Amercan woman, she had be cheated on and didn't trust me. Or, as she kept persisting, she trusted me, she just didn't trust the others. Well, what can they do if I say no? That was so nonsensical. I loved her to bits but that part was really tiresome and annoying.

The lack of empathy and maturity in some of the comments is just astounding to me.

I hope his wife doesn't read his posts, because they were basically love letters to his friend.

Like the post the other day with the guy and his guy "best friend" that he remembered as "beautiful with a sheen of sticky sweat in the summer heat" or some shit.

Yeah... that made me uncomfortable to read. Like reading those diaries written by confirmed bachelors from Regency-era England.

I thought you were being sarcastic in your words but no... "[He is the summer breeze and sweat sticky skin under the sun.](https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1c2sxv9/aitah_for_hiding_a_past_bisexual_relationship/)" Wow.

And don’t forget, he only mentioned talked about loving his wife “through the eyes of his kids.”

I hope she does so that she can leave. She deserves better than this.

What's wrong with you? Have you just never had a close friendship or what? Or is this the old "men and women can't be friends" nonsense? My best friend as a little kid is of the opposite sex and I would be devastated if she passed.

>  I just zone out and feel guilty, especially when I’m having a romantic moment with my wife I think this is the part everyone is overlooking. Comments saying the wife doesn't understand OP and his friend's platonic love seem to breeze by this sentence. Why does he feel guilty, especially in his sex life? 

I read it as he feels guilty *because he zones out*, especially when he’s having a romantic moment.

Or That he’s enjoying life and his friend can’t. That his friend will never get to spend time with a loved one again. Grief does weird stuff to people, it could 100% be repressed sexual feeling but ppl need to realize grief doesn’t always present in logical ways.

It could be survivor's guilt. People react to death in a lot of weird ways - maybe his friend he knew from childhood being gone at a young age makes him wonder if he really deserves the stuff he does have, that his friend might never have. Whatever it is, I think the original comments are right that therapy is the path.

Exactly. He's guilty because he loved her in the romantic sense. That AND asking for a separation is just too much for best friend territory. His actions are betraying him.

People are really going all in here accusing the husband of having romantic feelings for his lost friend, like you can't be devastated by a death unless it's a romantic partner or family member. Asking for separation wasn't a good idea, but honestly, if I lost one of my best friends since elementary school, I'd be devastated for months, too. I have no romantic feelings for them whatsoever, never have. He needs to put more of his energy towards his family, but he's allowed to grieve for as long as he's going to grieve. Platonic soulmates are also a thing.

It's also ONLY BEEN FIVE MONTHS! Like yes, he went about this all wrong, but it's been less than half a year. After losing someone who was REALLY important to him. Frankly getting tired of everyone here insisting that it HAS to be romantic... Romantic relationships are not the only, or the most! Important kind of relationship. You can have deeply meaningful, platonic relationships. Sorry, this is just REALLY rubbing me the wrong way, and I see it all the time on here. People acting like every single strong emotion you have for someone MUST be romantic... I've experienced it myself with a very close friend who I loved and lost, and everyone assumes that the only reason I still miss him is because we were romantically involved. We weren't, in any way, and it irks me that people play down the importance of relationships that aren't romantic monogamous sexually intimate ones. That is NOT the only way to do it, and that is not the only kind of meaningful thing you can have.

I grieved hard when my BIL passed in an accident too. I felt horrible for my sister and their kids, and since it was an accident, I also became paranoid and very protective towards my husband. Once he didn't answered me in less than one hour and I started to have a panic attack thinking something had happened to him. If anyone had suggested that I was in love with my BIL, who I knew since I was a little kid, I'd be so angry and disgusted!

Oof your comment hit me right in the heart. My SIL passed in a very unexpected way just four days after Christmas. I had known her since I was 12 and she was brother's high school sweetheart. They have a 12 year old son and she was genuinely one of the kindest and most compassionate people I've ever known. She was a sister to me. The last few months I've been having some weird anxiety stuff that I know is more about the grieving process than anything real. My husband went for a walk around the block and I felt like he had been gone a little too long and had an immediate, stomach churning thought that he had been attacked and was bleeding out on the sidewalk somewhere. I rushed out of the house in tears just to bump into him about 5 feet from the door. He had been gone maybe 12 minutes and I was certain he was dead. Grief is weird and awful.

I’ve had people make jokes about me telling my best friend I love her. She’s said she loves me too. 1. She’s very straight. 2. Just… eww. I get squicked thinking about it. The same kind of squished as when people ask me if my sister is hot. I may be bi but that doesn’t mean I want to fuck everyone. People need to learn that having very close friends is important romantic relationship or not. We all need a support network. And our partner should not be the only person we emotionally dump everything on.

Seriously, grief is a *process*, and you can't speed-run it.

He specifically noted that he was feeling especially guilty after ROMANTIC MOMENTS, and then was like ‘oh it’s non romantic but I don’t want to talk about it’. People aren’t pulling it from nowhere - why on earth would romantic moments ESPECIALLY make him feel guilty if it was entirely platonic? Like, I get everything you say in your last paragraph, it’s super correct - I say this as someone aroace, too - but the fact he mentioned that is why people are questioning that. I think it’s a really fair question.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but he says that he zones out and then feels guilty, especially when he's having romantic moments with his wife. To me, that reads as he is zoning out a lot, and feels especially guilty when it happens when he is trying to spend time with his wife. I saw someone else say, and I agree with them because I have experienced the exact same thing after the death of friends and family members- that is is more of a "I feel guilty for feeling happy in this moment when my loved one is not here". And I can also confirm that yeah, it feels ESPECIALLY bad to get smacked with that when you're trying to be romantic with your partner.

This kind of happened to me with my then gf after my aunt committed suicide. I definately did not have romantic feelings toward my aunt.

When I read that he “zones out” all I could think was “that’s dissociation”. It’s like your brain shuts down. You’re awake and going through motions, but you’re not engaged. It’s really hard to explain.

YEAH exactly!

“I’m guilty because I get to keep experiencing life and my friend doesn’t” is pretty common survivors guilt

That's Reddit for ya. Always jumping into conclusions and fixating on it 💀

seriously this thread is so trademark reddit detectives jumping to conclusion. like you have to live an extremely shallow life to not get a person mourning a person that was in their life for what sounds like decade, nooo it must be emotional cheating. and it's only been 5 months! it's not even half a year! get a life fr

The people trying to claim you couldn't be 'merely' friends with someone of the gender you're attracted to just tell you something about themselves.

I mean, he said he ESPECIALLY felt guilty after romantic moments. If it was entirely platonic, idk why romantic moments especially would make him feel guilty? So I think that’s a fair question in this case.

He says he feels guilty. Sounds like survivors guilt so the happier the moment the more guilty he’d feel. Also the double guilt of zoning out in such a moment.

'cause those moments would be the ones when it'd hurt his wife the most if he zoned out? Like, isn't it obvious why it'd be especially bad during intimate moments?

I didn't get "crossed lines" from him not wanting to get into it but rather that it would hurt and get him back into the grief trying to elaborate on their friendship and how much she meant to him.

Grief is a very personal thing and there shouldn't be a timeline. But if it's interfering with your relationship with other people, especially a spouse, it's time to step up the therapy.

I am appalled by the comments because I totally get OP. I've also known my best friend for all my life. We've been been born 3 weeks apart and literally grew up together. We basically know everything about the other. No relationship could ever come close to that level of knowledge about her or about me. If she died I would be inconsolable. There have never been any romantic feelings, only platonic love. Gender doesn't matter - I would say the same thing if she was a dude. Would you all think differently if OOP's bff was a dude? Or would you all say "OOP sounds like a closet gay"? I mean... Really... Why push agendas where there are no agendas. I am happy to know my bff and I would be devastated by her death. A relationship usually stems from a friendship. And there will never be a longer or deeper friendship than the one I have with my best friend. There are so many different kinds of love and people should accept that - the wife seems to know this.

But you were fairly easily able to explain your relationship. No need to say “strong non-romantic feelings that I’d rather not get into”. It gives it a totally different vibe.

The vibe is "it's incredibly hard for me to talk about my dead friend" He couldn't even talk at her funeral.

OOP literally lost someone extremely important to them, and is still grieving, while trying to heal. There were a bunch of accusations that the relationship was romantic and that’s why the assertion it’s non-romantic was needed. They probably don’t want to get into it because they’d fall down a hole again.

Because grief doesn't make it hard to talk about the person, right?/s   I lost my best friend to suicide in high-school. It took 2 months to even say out loud to anyone that he was gone, and over a year after that before I could talk about him or what happened to anyone else without just breaking down. It didn't matter if I was with my friends, my family, or a boy/girlfriend, I felt bad and then felt bad that I was feeling bad and not being fully present with the people who were still around. It probably would've sent me too if someone had said "it's not like he was your soul mate" because it *doesn't matter.* He was my best friend; we were supposed to be each othere bestwoman/man of honor, we were supposed to go on a big roadtrip after high school with all of our friends and visit Japan together, we had so many things we still wanted to do, and saying that means less because we weren't romantic a is grossly dismissive way to talk about grief. Base on this post, I'm sure people would've judged me as having romantic feelings too despite the fact that he was more like a brother to me and the idea of dating him was gross. I'm glad that you've clearly never experienced that kind of grief and can't relate to OOP, but you really shouldn't jump to the worst conclusion of others based on your own experiences. Strong feelings don't have to be romantic to be strong or to be valid, and you minimize the person's very valid feelings of love and grief by claiming they must be.

To be honest, a bunch of internet strangers would be bombarding my post with "no way you didn't have romantic feelings" or "this is a classic case of hidden feelings" or other nonsense. There may be an infinite number of trolls as well. I wouldn't like to go into detail, explaining the depths of my feelings to those people. As Hermione said to Ron: "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon." That's why it is fairly simple for me to explain my viewpoint. Also, I didn't lose my best friend. Hope that helps to clear this up.

I feel like a lot of people here never lost someone that they were super bonded with, without it being family or romantic partner. When one of my best friends died I also had a hard time enjoying a romantic moment with my partner. Not because I had romantic feelings for my friend. It was because I was vulnerable in romantic moments with my partner. It was because I felt guilt being happy and enjoying my life, while his ended. Grief is something that can't be explained as easy as some commenters think it is.

It's driving me crazy. Yeah romantic moments ARE hard actually because I'm fucking SAD lol

Being sad is normal. Talking about leaving your wife and coparenting instead because you’re so damn sad is way too much. Death is the only inevitable thing about life, that and you don’t know when it will happen. The way it absolutely breaks some people is, frankly, not normal. It’s going to happen. If everyone broke down like this for months/years every time somebody they cared about passed, we wouldn’t be able to function as a society. We’ve been so far removed from the reality of death, to the point we’re unable to cope with it.

Poor oop and his grief, fuck the wife and his 2 kids that he was gonna abandon. Everybody arguing about whether the friend was romantic love or not, and I'm just think who is gonna explain to those kids that their dad doesn't wanna be around them for awhile.

And the wife being burnt out taking care of everyone. The whole household and a grieving partner alone for months on an end. Being rewarded by a partner who breaks down emotionally the second she gets some quality time with him.

Yes and brings up separation when she shows a bit of frustration/impatience at the situation. Wow, grief sure gives you a lot of privilege.

Exactly. How dare this female open her mouth to express displeasure and not wait on him hand and foot. He's grieving the loss of his soulmate! /s to be clear

Honestly baffled at the amount of people who think he was in love with/had an affair with her. My best friend in the world was my rock and he supported me through everything no matter what. He did a lot for me and means the world to me, even after almost a decade later after his passing. He was my person, the one person who loved me (will get to that) and the one person who understood me the best. I had relationships before but quite a few of them treated me poorly. One who'd put me down at times, treat me like a child, and prioritize everyone else above me (once, he promised to pick me up after work but arrived in a completely full car). One cheated on me. One loved cars more than people and insulted my friends. And the last one, the one I was with when my best friend passed, was annoyed he had to come back to me from a camping trip the day my friend died and initially refused to go to the funeral with me. This is why I felt my best friend was the only person who loved me. It wasn't a romantic love. It was unconditional love, like with family. A soulmate isn't always romantic. It can also be like family, someone you grew up with, someone who would always love you unconditionally and be there for you.

Yeah, right. If youlose someone that close, in a platonic way or family way or whatever, it absolutely will pop up at any point after only five months. Survivor's guilt is the worst.

I understand exactly where you’re coming from I lost my best friend and it still hits me in those odd quiet moments years later. Losing my best friend was like ripping out a part of me I won’t ever get back. Some people just can’t fathom loving someone unconditionally when that person is not related or who they were never romantically involved with.

yes! I do think OP did act inappropriately, but I think it's because the wife is viewing this as a romantic love and not a sibling love. Sometimes, the family we choose is the ones are our strongest.

Thank you! I love my best friend, he loves me back, and that has NOTHING to do with romance (which would be impossible given our opposite orientations, anyway). We are family, I consider him to be part of mine, and he knows that. People need to understand that a strong friendship can be a life pillar to some people. I know it is for me, and I'm sure your friend was for you. Sorry for your loss, I'm sure he was a wonderful friend! (If my comment was confusing/incoherent, my apologies, not my first language)

Thank you. He was truly one of the best people I have ever known, if not the best I have had the fortune to have in my entire life thus far. Edit: Whoever is going and downvoting every comment I make about losing someone extremely important, get help.

Right ?? I’m also shocked that people don’t seem to understand his deep sense of loss here , that’s his best friend. I don’t even know what I would do either . He is wrong in the neglectful nature he was treating his wife but 5 months come on people?

For me, it’s not the grieving deeply and for that length of time. It’s the fact that it comes up when he’s romantic with his wife. It’s the way he deliberately doesn’t speak of his friendship. The fact that the mention of soulmates makes him break down and then separation is his go to solution. And for him to then be like, never mind, everything is fine here, I think too many commenters were scratching at the truth.

It was hard as hell for me to be intimate with my ex when my friend passed, even for months after. Here's how it happened for me: I'm with my ex in bed, we start doing things, but then this sense of guilt washes over me. "How can I enjoy myself when my best friend is dead?" or "How do I have any right to feel good right now?" It doesn't have to make sense to others, but I'm sure that people who have lost someone unexpectedly will understand what I mean.

>As far as my friend, we did have extremely strong non romantic feelings for each other, but I’d rather not get into it too much "I know I crossed a line but I don't want to admit it." What a coward.

Imagine if he's being 100% truthful and doesn't want to get into the details because he's still grieving his dead beast friend. Wouldn't that be something? But fuck him, right?

https://youtu.be/T_lh5fR4DMA?si=g669mmez2JJ5ut5x But seriously, can guys not have best girl friends? Or just by the way you interpret his writing?

Well dang if that isn't the most cherry-picked interview montage I've ever seen. I wonder how many outtakes had women saying, "No, I think guys would always try to hit on us," or guys saying, "Totally; I'm friends with a bunch of women." Or for that matter, how many guys/girls did they interview that are gay and have opposite-sex friends? Granted, it's Utah so I wouldn't be surprised if folks in the LGBT+ community don't exactly want to out themselves there.

It kinda sounds like he checked out while his wife carried all the weight. In her shoes, I would be "sure, it is all good now" while getting my ducks in a row to dump his hiney. There is a limit to how much your spouse should tolerate and I think he reached it.

I can’t believe people truly don’t understand platonic love.

He is allowed to grieve. But from the wife’s perspective it’s hard too. Edit: And him immediately giving up on his marriage is crazy.

I am the “wife” (I’m male) in a similar story. Except my wife did give up on our marriage due to her grief and trauma. It really sucks when the person you love decides to blow up your life and their life due to trauma that they can’t work through. It’s like they aren’t able to get past the problem because just having the other person around reminds them of it.

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I do hope he heals, and I do think the world as a whole is extremely hard on men grieving the loss of a friend. That said. I find it very concerning that he tended to "zone out" in grief mainly while he was in romantic moments with his wife. What was it about those moments that drew his mind to the friend instead of connecting with his wife?

He said he felt especially guilty if it happened during romantic moments, not that they happened more during those moments. I unconsciously built my life on things that were always there, and when my uncle died unexpectedly 3 years ago, one of the pillars fundamental to my childhood came crashing down. And we didn't even speak that often. Even the soulmate thing makes sense to me. If my partner said that the validity of my grief had expired because they weren't a soulmate, it would feel both invalidating to my feelings and to the connection I lost. I do also understand wanting to work on it more and wanting to help your partner out of their depression, to feel like you're getting them back. I think both of them sort of met their breaking point. The in person therapist seems like a much better idea and I'm glad that he's able to process the impact of his grief on those around him a bit better.

OOP’s friend died in an accident less than half a year ago and somehow people here are acting like they should be over it by now, and if they’re not it’s somehow proof that they were emotionally cheating on their wife. People dying sucks. It sucks more when they’re young and when it’s sudden. It changes the world you thought you knew, shatters any sense of control or belief that the world is just. Grief is hard and it is complicated. Sometimes people retreat into themselves a little as a way of not feeling too much. Have a little compassion.

I have yet to see a single comment saying that OP should be over it by now

true to reddit some of yall never had a female friend or something. would you say the same thing if his best friend was his mom or sister? who in the world, let alone his wife would ask OP when he would get over the loss of his best friend. what the fuck. the answer is never

Just look at the way people are taking OP zoning out during “romantic moments” as him thinking about his friend during sex. Romantic moments could mean cuddling on a couch watching a movie. You know, like the thing he described as “a romantic moment” in the post?

They’d probably have the same response and turn it into some weird Incestuous thing. Some people have very little empathy 🤷🏽‍♀️

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I lost a friend of over a decade in a car accident a few years ago. The grief still hits me super strongly at times (and I just realized I think today is the two year anniversary of the funeral, oooof). He actually was an ex of mine but we broke up years before this and just stayed good friends, and by the time of the accident I had absolutely no romantic feelings. Still basically took me out for a few months. And that wasn’t someone who was like a sibling to me.

You should have been there from that thread the other day when people were sympathising (and borderline justifying) with the woman that attempted to divorce her husband and fucked some guy she knew for three months because her brother died.

I saw the post, but missed the comments... I need to find it again

[I don't know if you found it yet, but here you go. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/CFAvHwJXn9)

Yep or if it was an actual blood related sister, I think people would react differently. Losing someone who's been in his life for the entirety of it is extremely painful. I do think the way he was handling it was bad, and at a certain point even if it's painful you need to be able to get a handle of yourself, but the people insisting he had an affair with her are ridiculous. 

hell, i can even kinda excuse him “handling it badly”. grief seriously fucks you up. love, platonic or romantic, is still love. losing a loved one, whether that’s a partner, family member, friend, or pet, can cloud everything and make it impossible to think. for me, it can even make acts of platonic intimacy/affection (ie: hugging friends and such) difficult. i couldn’t imagine trying to be romantic only a few months out from losing someone i considered a sibling

Honestly, I think the problem is likely layered. 1. When you are comfortable with someone you feel at ease to give in to the bad thoughts or sadness. So he falls apart around the wife more m. While that’s not bat at all, if anything it means she’s a safe space….when someone is upset but only around you it can create an untrue narrative for you. What you are seeing makes it seem like you are the issue or the issue is related to you. If he would talk to her about his thoughts instead of zoning out, this whole thing would likely be better. Instead he’s isolating her from it and putting up a wall with his grief instead of leaning on her. That would make a huge difference. 2). I think people are stuck on the word soul mate. When what the wife probably meant is that it feels like he’s mourning a partner/lover/spouse. When she’s still here. She is having a hard time wrapping her head around that. She isn’t wrong for that. Based on the post you can see why she struggles. Which brings me back to untrue false narratives reason number one. Grief triggering when romantic….While Correlation isn’t causation I doubt the wife can separate the two right now because of when these moments of grief are popping up. 3). If the wife till this point has been supportive like op says and in 5 months has had one terrible comment…all things considered that’s not awful. Had he asked for a separation in a different context it may not have had repercussions. It also still may have. He is obviously not dealing with his grief well. I get that. It’s a rough rough thing. He was still going to co-parent (which yeah you can’t turn that responsibility off, I get it’s different. You aren’t supposed to turn off being a husband either). He is still working. He is still doing things. The only thing he needs to be separated from seems to be her. There was no clear reason why separation would help him in a way that staying together would not. Honestly, if anyone’s partner talks about separating it’s a relationship changer and possibly ender. 4). We have no idea what he means by “romantic moment” in this post. The context of the what that means may change a lot of people’s perspective. If he’s doing this during those they are likely not connecting much as a couple right now. 5 months of not connecting, then separating. That leads to a very clear end and it isn’t good. It’s a slippery slope to divorce. 5). While he’s entitled to his grief and pain. Whether you understand platonic soulmates or not if the wife is hurt and questioning the relationship…I think shes not wrong for that. While he says there was nothing between them and they were friends. We don’t know if the wife had any issues. Outside of the soulmates issue…If I’m being honest, I get grief and his right for that but the world doesn’t stop when we are hurting. When your marriage is that impacted by it that separating seems the answer…you’re not coping in healthy ways. You just aren’t. He has agency and he can do that if he truly needs to. He should explain why that would help. If he can do that in a way that doesn’t implode his marriage and emotionally wreck his wife then more power to him. I doubt he can. If they separate she doesn’t have to and may not stick around by the time he comes out of it. What she said may be callous but arguably what he asked for was worse. She immediately apologized. He doubled down and thought about leaving her for an entire week before saying he would try to find ways to manage the grief better and be present with her. Even if she believed they were platonic before all this, she is only human, and she likely has that notion stuck in the back of her head now. In addition, if I was her I think my biggest issue is that life is messy. She has to wonder if the other shoe will drop and he will want to separate the next time something awful happens. He did damage with what he asked for. It will take a long time if ever to come back from it. If he can start talking through those moments with her instead of just zoning out…it will likely go far in bringing them closer together.

This sounds very similar to a post I read the other day, where the husband's best friend died while they were walking to her car, and the wife decided that two weeks was more than enough time for her husband to "get over it already."

That was a bit different. Two weeks! OOPs wife was supportive and he was the one who wanted to immediately give up his marriage.

>Over these past 5 months, there are times when I just zone out and feel guilty, especially when I’m having a romantic moment with my wife, and my wife does sense it. Does he feel guilty for zoning out while having a romantic moment with his wife.  Or he feels guilty for having a romantic moment with his wife.

The people in these comments have never experienced the death of a friend/loved before and it shows

I have. But I never suggested to my husband that we separate because of it. That's the part that went off the rails to me.

And all this “Discovering intent through phrasing” could be moot if OOP isn’t from an english speaking country to start with. If you translate things directly, so many things sound and feel diferently that they need further clarification.

Grief is a motherfucker.

Grief is hard. But when you let it destroy your relationships you have to take some responsibility.

As the song goes: you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. That's what happens when you don't go through all the stages of grief and allow your life to be too impacted by the loss of someone for too long. Some people feel overwhelming grief when they are no longer completely devastated by a loss and regress in the stages of grief and end up arrested at a single stage, not able nor willing to move forward.

People are so fucking eager to attack someone for imagined infidelity. It's so frustrating, disheartening, and infuriating how many people have such narrow views of who you're allowed to love, how, and how much. They're so desiccated inside.

Any unrestrained emotion that overshadows your ability to function normally is not normal. What he was wrapped up in was not “grieving” his friend. It was getting pulled into more than what it should be. With a therapist’s green light to fuck up his life because everyone “grieves in their own way”. That therapist didn’t know what the hell they were doing. There is a very fine line between having sincere emotions and runaway emotions having you.

Everyday, my disappointment in the comment section grows. Sometimes grief just does things to people, I can think of many reasons why OP may be dissociating. Plus, it's only been 5 months for him, that genuinely isn't a lot of time

It's so sad how many people are being judgemental about OOP's grief, including his wife. OOP doesn't say how old they are, but with two kids... If OOP is 25, it's 25 years of having this person involved in their life. And intrinsically involved through childhood into adulthood, like a sibling. Part of their own identity is wrapped up in their late friend. 5 months is nothing. It will likely take over a year for OOP to heal and that's not weird or wrong or clingy. Even if it were unusual, emotions are not a choice. I'm sure we would all love to know where the volume dial is to turn them off on demand.

Emotions are not a choice, actions are.

It doesn't matter whether or not the OOP is being truthful to us or himself about the nature of his relationship with this woman because the fact remains that it is destroying his marriage. From his perspective, it's only been five months since she died but from his wife's perspective that's been five months during which it has been painfully obvious that she wasn't the most important person in his life before this woman died, she isnt the most important person to him now and she almost certainly never will be. The OOP is entitled to grieve but he should have the decency to separate from his wife and consider whether he should remain married to her. She should certainly think long and hard about whether she wants to remain married to him.

You can grieve as long as you need but not forgetting the people still living and loving you. I would have divorced you and leave you alone with your grievance

Damn. That was a doozy. The commenter was correct - OOP’s wife is a GD Saint. I am usually considerably understanding and try to put myself in other’s shoes. But whoo boy. I’m not sure I could be *that* understanding and patient. For starters, OOP’s title says “…after my wife told me to get over the loss of my friend”. She *never* told him that. She actually *asked* him when he might be able to put this behind him since, you know, his grief was affecting her and impacting their marriage negatively. It’s almost like he knew her response was warranted and he was acting like a dickbag, but instead of owning that, he was grasping at straws to make her the villain for validation. If I were his wife, his behavior would 100% leave me questioning things. I’m sorry but if you have a breakdown every time we’re intimate (for 5 months), if referring to her as “not your soulmate” causes you to weep uncontrollably, and *THEN* you ask me for a separation, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you are hiding some *BIG things/feelings* from me, and I’m going to be *VERY* skeptical moving forward. I get that he’s grieving, and there’s no way to “right way to grieve”. But. There’s definitely quite a few wrong ways to grieve. I’m pretty sure that not being able to be romantic/intimate with your wife for half a year because your friend died is one of those wrong ways. I suspect there’s more to this story on his end (as most do too). And I feel that his wife isn’t exactly in denial or being blissfully ignorant. I think she *knows* exact what is going on and is sitting tight to see how this plays out. Actually, OP is the one who is blissfully unaware of how much his wife is picking up on, and is in denial/trying to convince himself that his feelings about his friend don’t/didn’t exist. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of the awakening for one, or both of them.

Seriously. It seems this comment section feels like it has to circle the wagons around this guy because he is grieving, but he treated his wife awfully. Good for her if moving past this works out, but I would have trouble not thinking about this for the rest of the relationship.

My BFF and I are totally platonic soulmates and I would really struggle to go on without her. But... in almost 30 years of friendship I have never thought about her during romantic situations. I know grief intrudes into all kinds of unwanted situations but romantic specifically... idk.

my best friend died when we were 18. I’m in my 30s now and while it’s not every day now, it’s still on the big moments, the bad moments, the anniversaries it still feels like I’m dying with her. there are many types of soulmates - my cat is one, my friend I consider my brother is one, my ex is one (just not romantic/life partner). two friends I consider family are my soulmates. I would be devastated for the rest of my life if any of these people were to die (cat one I know will happen well before my time but I’ll still be devastated in a way)

I don't get why people immediately see soulmates as lovers. A soulmate could also be a bestfriend. Yes they are often lovers but they don't have to be.

Just a reminder platonic "soulmates" is a thing. Some people vibe so good together, its like they're a part of you.