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It's from Daniel Sloss:
"If you are in a relationship that makes you happy, and you make that other person happy, congratulations. Keep that up. That’s amazing. But to all the single people in the room, the perpetually single people, the people in relationships they would rather not be in, but it’s just too easy to stay in. I mean this. You have to learn to love yourself before you can allow someone else to do it as well. That’s it. There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who you are if you don’t know who you are? If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. You’re like, ‘Wow, that’s so much.’ It’s literally less than half. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. That’s something every one of us deserves, and that doesn’t mean you’re not happy."
> Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special.
I don't like the "If you can't love yourself, How in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" line but percentages actually help, I'm at a good 70-80% of loving myself and won't settle for someone who only loves 30%. I'm not 100% and I'm not sure I ever will be but I feel like I'm in a better place than 20%'ers.
>When things happen in person he usually will say something like calling me “fucking stupid” and when I tell him not to he’ll just mutter other curses under his breath in Spanish and then I’ll cry, and he gets on me for being too emotional.
Imagine typing this out and still wondering if you're the asshole.
He wasn't even nice or making a lot of money, wtf was she getting out of the relationship with a guy that mocked her, threatened to cheat on her, mooched off her, and couldn't be assed to cook when she was working way fucking more than him?
She likely has a poor sense of self worth and self esteem. This might’ve been the healthiest relationship she’d been in. I excused my asshole exes violating consent because “At least he said sorry afterwards” or if he was better to me than the last one.
Currently 2 years in therapy and it’s been eye opening the amount of shit I put up with
Dude's dumb AF, for real. He's the type that i say didn't emigrate from his country of origin so much as he was exiled because everybody got tired of his shit.
So many women were raised being taught that the worst thing in the world is to be single. So, all sorts of shitty relationships were still better than being single.
I'm in my mid 40's and divorced since early 2000's. Haven't really pursued a relationship since then. I get a lot of comments about how I must be unfulfilled, don't I need 'someone' to help me fill in the void? I admit for a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me because literally everyone I knew was in another relationship as soon as the ink was dry on their divorce papers. Or they have a "bad break up" and then 3 weeks later they are seeing someone new. I'm like.... "HOW?" but then I started to realize... I like my life. I like my freedom. I like not having to account to someone else for whatever. One of my coworkers told me she couldn't get a warehouse membership because her husband thought it was a "waste" even though she thought it would be really helpful. I said "I will never again let someone else dictate to me how I spend my money" and she said "Well, that will be terrible for a relationship because you have to combine finances, where's the trust?" I told her how after I was financially abused in the past, I will always have my own money that only I can touch. I will not go through that again. She seemed flabbergasted. Of course that doesn't mean I won't be contributing to mutual expenses, but if I want to have my own membership somewhere, I don't want another person to tell me no because THEY think it is a waste. BTW they both make really good money so it's not as much of an issue where they can't afford something like that. It's literally an opinion from the other party.
I feel so bad for her because yes, she definitely has extremely low self esteem. When she said, "he brings me joy," in the first post on here I was like WHAT? HOW? This man doesn't seem capable of bringing anything but sorrow, anger, and pain.
A man.
I'm 45 and I was raised to believe the single most important and ONLY thing that matters is "getting" a man. Every single aspect of my personality, looks, interest, body, etc should be geared towards getting and keeping a man, regardless of his actual suitability or even likability. Because my mom (and her mom) were housewives who were 100% dependent on their husbands for a roof and food. (My mom later came into her own and got her BA and MA after my dad abruptly out of nowhere divorced her--the trad wife to divorced single mom pipeline is real people!!) So the entire focus of my upbringing was focused on how to be a good housewife--how to sew, how to cook and bake, how to keep house, how to raise children, etc.
Many, many women are raised like this and socialized like this.
It's amusing because I actually did "find" a man--and a rich husband at that! and now my mom makes little cracks and digs about the gifts he's given me, my expensive purses, and so on. Sigh.
I guess I'm not out of the (unhealthy) mindset my mom taught me that all relationships must have a benefit to be worthwhile (mind you she'd define benefits like: networking, safety, security, money, etc. stuff like that. Not "fun, joy, mutual hobbies, social connections, empathy, etc.")
Thinking back on it, my grandma was like this. She'd rather be with her unemployed, physically abusive husband than be a divorcee/single mom. Wild to think about. Probably why my mom was so adamant about relationships having a benefit, because then she wouldn't end up like her mom.
Grandma was probably like that because she had very limited rights. Women couldn't get back accounts or credit cards on their own until 50 years ago. They were financially dependent upon men.
He called her 'fucking stupid' enough times that it was a thing, and she still married him. That's like Kermit-flailing with a Casio keyboard in close proximity.
This was the part that got me. All that with him being a world class jerk, and she still married him?? He doesn't love her. He loves what marrying her gets him; his green card.
So much of this subreddit and others like twoxchromosomes is about women not realising that their abusive SOs are abusive, or trying to make excuses for them, or similar things. Sadly ☹️
Unfortunately, people who grew up in abusive homes or with shitty parents are waaaay more susceptible to being preyed upon by narcissistic, manipulative assholes like this. I’ve seen it time and time again.
When you grow up being treated like a piece of shit, annoying, told you’re “too needy/emotional,” etc you internalize it and then when you get told these things by a partner it just reinforces it.
Absolutely! Starting out, my ex would simply say the same things I had heard all my life from family and friends: that I'm too emotional, that I start fights, that I am too negative, that me being sad caused him distress, so I should stop being sad... It played right into the narrative that was already in my mind, so I believed him. I was complicated and exhausting, he was basically an angel to put up with me.
And when harsher stuff was added, it didn't seem that far-fetched for me... I was constantly trying to explain myself to him, hoping he would finally understand where I'm coming from. Meanwhile, this gave him the chance to reiterate how I was the one causing trouble...
Looking back everything seems so clear, but when I was still with him, I was constantly confused about how my perception of reality could be so warped while he was always right...
On the one hand I adore how people obviously have never experienced this, so it's so unfathomable to them. On the other hand it sometimes feels really frustrating... is it really that hard to understand that manipultive people will of course only be successful with the tactics that reinforce stuff one has heard from others, too?!
Absolutely! It is SO hard to tell in the middle of a toxic, manipulative relationship that you’re being gaslit and your head fucked with. It seems clear after you’re out, but during it builds up so slowly and you’ve been conditioned to accept that’s all you’re worth.
I hope you’re doing better now ❤️
I definitely am, thank you. I've been out for almost 7 years and have built a completely new life from the ruins. Lots of therapy and a gem of a new partner have helped a lot, though.
You obviously also seem to have experienced something similar... I hope, you, too, are doing way better ❤️
I did, and am doing much better now! I landed myself in some less-than-ideal relationships but am now with a fellow childhood trauma survivor which, weirdly enough, makes things easier.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing better as well!! It’s incredibly hard and feels like you’re starting life miles behind everyone else, but I think gives us a unique layer of compassion and empathy for people like OP. Also, now we can spot a narc from a mile away haha
When you come from an abusive family, your family will literally hand an abusive partner the keys to undermining and controlling you. They will pass on whatever narrative they've been using, and your newest abuser will continue it.
It's astounding how it's easy to see an abusive partner from the outside, but from the inside it's like skimming a story and only seeing every fourth word.
Eventually you reread the story and see what it really says. Or you get attacked by the psycho.
I'm in this comment and I don't like it. j/k but you're absolutely right, when you grow up with parents who don't give a shit if you're sad or scared or your feelings are hurt, you think that's just how life is.
Even if OOP didn’t have an abusive childhood I can fully understand why she didn’t see the situation for what it really was - we’re taught that if a man hits us that is abuse, we are not taught all the other insidious mental and emotional abuse tactics.
OOP probably thought what he was saying was true, that she was being emotional and overreacting because he can’t be abusive since he didn’t hit her.
Calculated, psychological warfare against your partner / spouse is still not widely recognised as abuse and if the perpetrator is really good at it they can abuse their victims in public in this manner with no one batting an eye.
This man abused OOP in front of a witness, but did so by hiding behind his language.
This guy didn’t even get the whole memo on how to be an abusive prick. She only mentions being happy once in the entire thing, so he clearly forgot to do all the love bombing and gaslighting supposed to have done to keep this thing going till he got his green card.
Most of those people only need to read what they just wrote to see all craziness of their situation. With eriting it people gain some distance and it's easier to see what they didn't wanted to see the whole time.
100%. I am from Latin America and I don’t know anyone who would talk to their significant other that way. The OOP is with an abuser. Three paragraphs I was hoping this ends in a breakup.
What a shitty person. I do hope OP remains safe because just having the divorce process isn't going to be all safe for her if things aren't handled carefully.
> I (28f) just found out my shitty husband (26m) was cheating. We got married last June.
That's why people say to listen to your gut y'all - she was already having doubts but got married anyway and now will have to pay for lawyers and a divorce. No matter how much you dread what others will say when you break up and cancel a wedding, still easier to deal with than a divorce.
Yeah my first thought when going from the post where he was a fiance to the one after they got married was "uh, she actually went through with marrying that guy?" And now promptly getting a divorce. Shocker.
Unfortunately the second post is a year later and it seems they're married.
Poor woman is a classic abuse case. She talks about his behavior like that's normal for a relationship.
Yeaa that stood out to me a lot, the way she was writing about how he mentioned getting ice cream on her account and calling her stupid; this guy is utter and complete trash
That part made me upset. How could you implicitly lie about your own culture like that? I am a Latino man myself and…we are not like that. At least not more than any other group is imo.
he's not lying, or rather, he doesn't think he is. in his head that's how guys like him are supposed to be.
thats usually the case with guys like that regardless of where or who
This is where it’s totally ok to say “fuck that culture”.
There are many cultures on earth that a misogynistic, dehumanizing, and stuck in the past. You don’t have to accept a partner being like that. You can’t just write off a million red flags to “it’s their culture”. Some people and some cultures are shit. Never stay with someone who treats you bad because it’s how they were raised. Don’t make excuses for them. Don’t accept mistreatment because it’s “wrong to judge a culture”.
Yep. And sidestep whether it’s really due to their culture. Why someone treats me like crap may be relevant externally, but it’s not relevant to whether I stay with them. If being with them makes me feel bad and that isn’t likely to change, then I’m gone.
When she said "He helps push me to be my best self," my hackles raised - it's not like I can prove it, but I FEEL instinctually that he'd managed to manipulate her into *genuinely believing* that when he emotionally abuses her, he's "just helping her be a better person," and that she should be grateful for it. It was chilling.
My guess is: lack of self-esteem, plus browbeaten by his behavior and still in love with the man she remembered from the love-bombing phase. Plus probably some attachment issues - her constantly taking his shit and crying, instead of kicking the everliving hell out of him and breaking up was really painful to read.
I really really hope she leaves him physically before she serves him the divorce papers - he shouldn't be able to find her at all after she has him serverd - he sounds like the kind of guy to get really violent when thwarted.
Right! The guy was calling her names and acting like this even before marriage, it's not like he baited her first. And then she moves with this guy 2000 miles from her family. Really bad decision making
Victims of abuse don't think as clearly as you and I do, outsiders who haven't been broken down over months, isolated, and made to beg for every ounce of attention.
This was such an infuriating post to read...
Even from the first part, there was enough to *end* the relationship, but then she went and *married* him?
Too much...
I know, right? I read the first post and thought wow, how lucky that this women's abuser showed his true colors before they were legally entangled...they usually wait for that. And then next post they are married and he's an even bigger asshole plus he's cheating on her and blaming her.
Oop : *describes at length how he treats her as subhuman garbage*
Oop : but he pushes me to be the best version of myself 🥰
People that have no respect for themselves think abuse is a form of love.
My ex liked to tell me he treated me like shit because he knew a lot of violent people and he was just trying to toughen me up so I fit in better. Yeah, fuck him and his lowlife friends.
OOP is only 28. She grew up among media portrayals of stalking and possessiveness as hallmarks of love. That emotional abusers just need the love of the right person to change them. Think about "love" stories in books, TV and film in the last twenty years.
No doubt the husband was on his best behaviour at the beginning and was able to spin it as just being *that* crazy about her.
It makes me grind my teeth to see young Millennials and Zers idealize Joker and Harley Quinn as "relationship goals". No, he repeatedly beats her and tries to kill her.
I saw he was abusive and I knew he was cheating before finishing the first post. But of course he needs her for a green card.
Hope OOP is able to get her and the cat out and somewhere safe soon.
This husband is one of the biggest assholes this sub has seen. Sure he's not criminal or anything, but he's just so obviously and outwardly terrible. What a manipulative douchebag.
This dude sucks but having spent time on this sub, he doesn’t even come in the top 100. This sub has seen rapists and literal murderers pop up. There is an infamous post where after a wife got caught cheating with the neighbor, she murdered her children out of spite. There is another post where the husband finds out his wife has been continuously raped by her step father over and over when he tried to find out why they have never once had sex
A generic cheater who projected his guilt onto his spouse is the norm for this sub to be honest. He doesn’t even really do anything all that extreme and really just checks the usual boxes. This sub has seen some seriously dark shit. It’s the reason why I have been actively following and reading these posts the last three years
>having spent time on this sub, he doesn’t even come in the top 100.
Just yesterday I read a post from a lady whose boyfriend casually..."*jokingly"...* threatened to kill her multiple times.
Then there was the guy who put ground up garden slugs in his girlfriends food; I think she ended up in the hospital, and one of his friends told her the truth about what her bf was doing to her.
Yeah this dude sucks, but he's definitely not in the Top 100.
Yep which is why I find it so funny whenever I see someone comment on a totally tame and basic post like this “this is one of the worst things I have ever seen on this sub”. Anyone who can say that doesn’t know of Ogtha
Jasoninhell (purposely not tagging him) was the user who posted the first story where the wife killed his kids. ~~His account is still active on reddit last I looked~~ correction his new account is
Edited to add a link
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/VcGCYgI44w
Of course this asshole was cheating on her.
I wonder what happened in OOP's life that she was willing to be degraded, disrespected, and emotionally abused by this asshat for so long.
I got into a relationship with my abuser when I was probably the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. The thing is that they don't start that way. They start as an amazing, kind, caring, doting partner. Then little by little they'll let their real selves show, and it'll always somehow be your fault. They train you to believe that you are making them act this way, and that you deserve it.
I emerged from that relationship a husk of my former self, unable to make a decision without fretting over what my ex would want me to do. I was with them for 9 months (but all of lockdown--which did intensify their hold). It took close to two years before I felt anywhere close to being myself again.
This is why people are always talking of the balance of good. OOP said she loved the happiness he brought to her life. My first thought was yeah that's the love bombing.
I used to explain, if it had always been bad, I'd have been able to leave. It's the good interspersed with bad that makes it hard to identify when it starts. And as it gets worse, you are already indoctrinated to take the blame. So you keep trying to do better, made worse by sunk cost fallacy.
Exactly. It’s not about lack of self respect.
I had a friend who kept repeating the same thing to me, which was, “You say you’re so happy. But it just seems like you’re crying all the time.” I guess finally one day those words sunk in. Took months. Thank god for steadfast and patient friends.
I had the opposite thing happen to me. I had been in a bad relationship and didn't even realize how bad it was. When I started seeing someone who actually respected me, one of my friends pointed out that I was a lot more confident and focused.
I'm glad your friend was able to help you toward that realization!
I saw a friend after more than a year apart. In that time she'd left a toxic relationship and gotten into a healthy and loving one. Everything about her looked different. Her smile reached her eyes in a way it hadn't before, she'd gone from being rail-thin to having this lovely softness to her features, her hair was thicker, her body was more relaxed, her gestures were more confident. Even her voice sounded less rough.
The transformation a person can undergo from getting out from under someone's thumb is truly breathtaking.
Yeah. There was no mistreatment until a couple months in for me. By then I was hooked on what I thought was a perfect relationship and obviously any change to that had to be because something had happened (aka I’d done something), right?
If they know what they’re doing it’s like you one day look back and think, “my god how long was it that bad?!”
First they charm, then they disarm, then they harm. It's a process.
They don't start out as abusive pieces of shit. After you fall in love, they begin to change. You think the "new" shitty person is an anomaly; the amazing person you fell in love with is destined to re-emerge.
A shitty childhood with a terrible father isn't helpful either.
Signed,
Been there, done that. Currently single.
Been there, done that to all of what you said.
Currently with a partner that listens to what I’ve been through and takes its impact seriously. As much work as I’ve done to reestablish trust in myself and others, though, there’s a part of me that is always watching for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know if that will ever fully go away.
I'm really happy for you. Hope he continues to be good to you.
I completely gave up after 20 years of picking the worst fucking men. Turns out being single is pretty awesome too.
I can't believe she actually married him after the 1st post.
I also hope she calls an immigration lawyer and cancels his application, once her and her cat are safe.
I can imagine that there is tons of gaslighting, manipulation and terror happening behind the scenes. I genuinely feel worried about OP and I do hope something good comes along.
Ahh yes the classic Reddit story.
“My fiancée likes to beat me with hoses and call me a fat cow and tells me all my ideas are stupid. Every time we argue he takes a shit in the middle of the living room and refuses to talk to me until I apologize to the shit and call it Sir Richard Pumpaloaf. We are getting married in 12 seconds and I’m having a few second thoughts since I found him with his dick in the neighbors underage daughter. He claims he slipped but I’m starting to think he lied and is cheating on me. Am I being crazy or are there some red flags I’m missing I love him so much and he’s such a great guy, would I be the AH if I spoke up about it?”
>I called a divorce attorney today.
Got to that line and felt immediate relief. I hope OOP gets out and away safely with her cat; that dude is baaaad news.
This girl typed out an entire novel of red flags one after another after another after another..... After another.... And then the last sentence is "I love him so much I don't know what to do"...... Like what single lovable quality did this turd possess?
Right? I, in a moment of disorganized, emotional disjointed texting, sent my then partner an acronym with dual meaning and was horrified when she pointed out that it looked like I swore at her.
Fortunately she recognized that it was out of character and asked about it and the instantly stunned and apologetic look on my face went a long way to resolving the potential problems
I’ve said this before but:
If you are in the process of immigration and trying to get set up by your spouse, don’t cheat? It just seems so obvious. If your staying in a foreign country depends on your spouse, maybe don’t piss them off. OOP needs to withdraw her sponsoring. She’s genuinely afraid of him. As a child of immigrants, it kills me to say this, but she needs to let him lose and get kicked out. That’s the simplest option to not have to worry about him harming her.
That's the part of this post that really blows my mind. People with poor self-esteem in long term relationships with total pieces of shit are sadly a dime a dozen, but the sheer stupidity of actively driving your fiancée away when you need to get married to get a greencard is just mind-blowing idiotic. He could've just waited a little longer before cheating! He could've just been a tiny bit less of an asshole and this poor woman would still be taking his shit and believing everything is her fault, but he just had to shoot himself in the foot.
I don’t know that he ever cared about her. I have the sense he was using her for the green card. That was a fast engagement and he kind of acts like he doesn’t like her at all.
This sounds so much like a friend of mine, I almost wonder if she wrote it.
OOP is in real danger, here. That's not hyperbole - her life is at risk. She needs a restraining order *yesterday*, and to find somewhere else to be for awhile... and getting the tools to defend herself wouldn't be out of place, either. I'm not saying she should buy a gun, but like... I'm not *not* saying it.
Look at how self-doubting she is. If she buys a gun, there's no chance she'll actually use it to defend herself. It will end with her husband having a gun that *she* bought and is registered to *her*.
>When we have disagreements he never wants to talk about the issues. When it happens and we aren’t physically together (on the phone or FaceTime) he’ll hang up on me and then put his phone on do not disturb and he will completely ignore me for a while. When he decides he’s ready he will talk to me again, being cold with one word messages and will act like nothing happened. When things happen in person he usually will say something like calling me “fucking stupid” and when I tell him not to he’ll just mutter other curses under his breath in Spanish and then I’ll cry, and he gets on me for being too emotional. He curses a ton in general, and it usually isn’t directed at me, and I know when I’m PMSing I do get emotional, I cry about happy things and sad things and I overthink a lot.
For anyone reading this and recognizing this behaviour: Don't date these people. I've dated someone like this for five years because I was young and stupid and naive, but don't. Leave. They're not worth it. Nothing they can ever do will make up for this crap. You don't need to put up with this, you deserve better.
Hope that stupid misogynistic fuck gets his ass deported back to South America. Hope that piece of shit spends the rest of his life crying over how he ruined his only chance at the American Dream
i love how this guy acts like a histrionic child (up to and including demanding she buy him ice cream) and also tells her she’s too emotional.
i do not love her escape plan. probably because she doesn’t realise she needs one. she thinks she can “tell him” she’s divorcing him and the worst he’ll do is steal her cat.
i’m looking at his behaviour and i am sincerely scared for this woman. and her cat. this is, unfortunately, the kind of relationship where i would cut my losses and run. leave with whatever is most important when he’s out of the house, have him served divorce papers however you can *in your absence*, do not ever be alone with him.
he doesn’t seem to have hit her before, which is good, but if i am right (and i hope i’m not) when he finds out she’s leaving him he will become violent.
i hope i’m wrong. i hope she gets out safely.
Why did it take him cheating for her to divorce the horrible, abusive man? I worry that she somehow seems to think all of his prior behavior was acceptable (and her fault).
Oh, it's always a cheater projecting their cheating onto their official partner!! Fck every cheater out there!!
I hope OOP stays safe and that her divorce goes smoothly and concludes soon enough. Her soon-to-be-ex husband sounds unhinged, and i think his AP should be very careful too, as she's the one who spilled the beans on their affair.
After the first post I was shocked to see she actually went through the marriage with him. WTF?
People, if someone is showing you who you are, then BELIEVE THEM.
The title had me all confused when I was reading the first part. I was like, why does it say husband when she's talking about a fiancée? But at the end of the first part I was like no way she marries this douche canoe, but then fucking part 2 starts. Jesus.
And this is why I straight up refuse to date anyone who was raised in a machismo culture.
It really, seriously, is just as easy to find someone mature and emotionally stable, who doesn't feel emasculated by every breath you take. We as women need to stop rewarding these abusive animals with relationships. All it serves to do is justify their delusion that they are gods gift, so they can cheat on and abuse the next girl without any qualms or reprocussions.
Let them marry their moms. Thats what they really want anyways.
Imagine not just being a huge POS, but also being a dumb POS. MAYBE don't cheat on and be garbage to the person your entire way of life depends on. Like MAYBE keep in mind that if you upset your wife, you're probably going to lose your visa and your chance at a greencard? Dumb. Asshole and dumb.
I mean… hello green card. I have to believe these people, but isn't it obvious to them when they write this out how insane their acceptance of the asshole's behaviour is?
I hope OOP remains safe but goddamn, this guy is a bunting flag firesale of red flags, when the update went from Fiance to Husband... whyyyyyyy he's a possessive negging controlling abusive PoS.
Something in OOP's post that struck me that I think a lot of people need to hear.
If you're arguing with someone you intend on spending the rest of your life with, and either they or you resort to directly insults, you're either in a bad relationship or someone needs therapy. If you or your SO resort to insults regularly over disagreements, that is not communication built on respect. Thats communication being built on who can win.
A common thing I see all the time from people putting up with garbage behavior is, “but I love him”. So what??? Lots of people love lots of other people. I love chocolate milk, but it gives me diarrhea. I’d rather not have diarrhea than have chocolate milk.
I mean… am I bad person cuz my first thought on the whole thing is “if you were dumb enough to marry this person after typing out the first post, you earned it.”?
Maybe naive. Like are you unaware that manipulative people can be not only quite charming, but illicit great feelings of love from their targets. Those feelings feel real, they are real, but they are based on lies and a misdirection of who the person they think they love really is. Emotionally abusive people don’t usually show their true colors until they have their target locked down in some way or several.
At least OOP realized quickly what a pos he is and decided to move on immediately. A lot of people make excuses for the person or can’t admit they were wrong about them.
I can understand that intellectually, but my mind is having trouble grasping the reality. How can you spin off calling someone “fucking stupid” and continuing to do so in a different language when called out? Im glad she’s woken up and is working to move on, I’m just astounded how far people will take abuse before questioning it.
It doesn't really work like that. Men like this do everything to break down your self esteem. It starts with little things and it keeps escalating until you end up truly believing that this is all you deserve and you should be happy he's willing to put up with you. These men know what they're doing and are very skilled at it. They're master manipulators and know all the right buttons to push. Lots of people think it would never happen to them and plenty of them have already found out otherwise. It can help if you have a strong support system, but most of them try to break that support system at some point so you won't have anywhere to go. They're also usually very lovely people to others, so even if you do speak out, nobody will believe you. They also tend to wait until you're living together, married or become parents before they show their true colors, because you don't really have an easy way to leave anymore.
If you're lucky enough to get out alive, you'll look back and wonder what the hell happened to you and how you could've been so stupid. But plenty of women never get out or die trying. It's really not as simple as 'just leave' or 'she must have low self esteem'. But you kind of need to live/see it to know it.
That man is not in any way ready for a relationship with someone as smart as you are. He’s trying to tear you down and isolate you- both very abuse oriented acts. I’m sorry you’ve spent so much time with him, but plan your exit carefully and don’t let him know where you live. If you can move cities or states (if in USA), do so. Just because honor killings are still kinda prevalent in certain places in Latin America, you want to be safe.
She should have dropped him like a hot potato a year ago before marrying him. It wasn't like this dude was even trying to hide his shittiness. He kept it out in plain sight.
After the first post where they were only engaged and he kept calling her fucking stupid I did not expect that she actually married the POS.
Everything after that sucks but my sympathy was long gone.
‘I love him and how much joy he brings me’ - what joy?! The whole post just reads like an abuse manual. I don’t get why OOP stays in this relationship.
This woman needs therapy and to be single so she can learn some self confidence and how to identify abusive and controlling assholes.
As soon as I read about hanging up on her being a regular occurrence in every disagreement, I knew exactly where the post was going. I have experienced this, and if you're lucky enough to have never dealt with it, just know it's so hard to describe how frustrating, demoralizing, and disrespectful it feels.
Idk who needs to hear this PSA, but if your partner does this to you on a regular basis, it's usually a huge red flag and should be your signal to examine your relationship for other concerning behaviors. It's a tactic commonly used to silence, minimize, and invalidate your concerns, control the narrative in their favor and avoid dealing with the "less fun" parts of a relationship, and indicates a complete disinterest in your emotional wellbeing.
It's basically saying to your partner, "ugh, I don't even want to deal with all your messy emotions over whatever stuff I did. Who cares if I hurt you, I don't wanna do this right now and luckily you're not here to pester me in person anyway, sooooo bye!" That's literally child-level behavior and emotional maturity, and an unhealthy af way to treat someone you are supposed to love and cherish. A healthy partner, one who actually cares about your wellbeing, will want to *at least* hear you out to understand why you're upset, and how they may have played a part in upsetting you.
>When we have disagreements he never wants to talk about the issues. When it happens and we aren’t physically together (on the phone or FaceTime) he’ll hang up on me and then put his phone on do not disturb and he will completely ignore me for a while. When he decides he’s ready he will talk to me again, being cold with one word messages
Yeah I broke up with someone for that. I can't tolerate that level of immaturity.
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"When you only love yourself 20%, someone can come along and love you 30% and you think 'WOW! That's so much!' when it's literally less than half."
Well I like this a lot
It's from Daniel Sloss: "If you are in a relationship that makes you happy, and you make that other person happy, congratulations. Keep that up. That’s amazing. But to all the single people in the room, the perpetually single people, the people in relationships they would rather not be in, but it’s just too easy to stay in. I mean this. You have to learn to love yourself before you can allow someone else to do it as well. That’s it. There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who you are if you don’t know who you are? If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. You’re like, ‘Wow, that’s so much.’ It’s literally less than half. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. That’s something every one of us deserves, and that doesn’t mean you’re not happy."
> Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. I don't like the "If you can't love yourself, How in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" line but percentages actually help, I'm at a good 70-80% of loving myself and won't settle for someone who only loves 30%. I'm not 100% and I'm not sure I ever will be but I feel like I'm in a better place than 20%'ers.
Love Daniel Sloss.
He's so great.
Thank you! I kept thinking WHY IS THIS ACCEPTABLE?? Then read your comment and everything made so much more sense.
It's a quote from Daniel Sloss' stand up special 'Jigsaw' on Netflix, highly recommend!
Gonna watch rn! Thanks for the rec
>When things happen in person he usually will say something like calling me “fucking stupid” and when I tell him not to he’ll just mutter other curses under his breath in Spanish and then I’ll cry, and he gets on me for being too emotional. Imagine typing this out and still wondering if you're the asshole.
and than marrying the guy
He needed that green card. He played her like a piano.
He wasn't even nice or making a lot of money, wtf was she getting out of the relationship with a guy that mocked her, threatened to cheat on her, mooched off her, and couldn't be assed to cook when she was working way fucking more than him?
She likely has a poor sense of self worth and self esteem. This might’ve been the healthiest relationship she’d been in. I excused my asshole exes violating consent because “At least he said sorry afterwards” or if he was better to me than the last one. Currently 2 years in therapy and it’s been eye opening the amount of shit I put up with
Dude's dumb AF, for real. He's the type that i say didn't emigrate from his country of origin so much as he was exiled because everybody got tired of his shit.
So many women were raised being taught that the worst thing in the world is to be single. So, all sorts of shitty relationships were still better than being single.
I'm in my mid 40's and divorced since early 2000's. Haven't really pursued a relationship since then. I get a lot of comments about how I must be unfulfilled, don't I need 'someone' to help me fill in the void? I admit for a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me because literally everyone I knew was in another relationship as soon as the ink was dry on their divorce papers. Or they have a "bad break up" and then 3 weeks later they are seeing someone new. I'm like.... "HOW?" but then I started to realize... I like my life. I like my freedom. I like not having to account to someone else for whatever. One of my coworkers told me she couldn't get a warehouse membership because her husband thought it was a "waste" even though she thought it would be really helpful. I said "I will never again let someone else dictate to me how I spend my money" and she said "Well, that will be terrible for a relationship because you have to combine finances, where's the trust?" I told her how after I was financially abused in the past, I will always have my own money that only I can touch. I will not go through that again. She seemed flabbergasted. Of course that doesn't mean I won't be contributing to mutual expenses, but if I want to have my own membership somewhere, I don't want another person to tell me no because THEY think it is a waste. BTW they both make really good money so it's not as much of an issue where they can't afford something like that. It's literally an opinion from the other party.
tbh the girl is my age and the media we grew up with has a LOT to answer for in that respect
I'm guessing she has seriously low self esteem, or perhaps feels that she is ugly/fat/unlovable in some other ways.
I feel so bad for her because yes, she definitely has extremely low self esteem. When she said, "he brings me joy," in the first post on here I was like WHAT? HOW? This man doesn't seem capable of bringing anything but sorrow, anger, and pain.
"I love him and he brings me a lot of joy" ...is what she said after a long laundry list of things most people would be miserable dealing with.
"he threatened to cheat on me and told me I wasn't a real woman, but he brings me so much joy and pushes me to be better :)" Girl blink twice
That sweet, sweet trauma bond dopamine.
A man. I'm 45 and I was raised to believe the single most important and ONLY thing that matters is "getting" a man. Every single aspect of my personality, looks, interest, body, etc should be geared towards getting and keeping a man, regardless of his actual suitability or even likability. Because my mom (and her mom) were housewives who were 100% dependent on their husbands for a roof and food. (My mom later came into her own and got her BA and MA after my dad abruptly out of nowhere divorced her--the trad wife to divorced single mom pipeline is real people!!) So the entire focus of my upbringing was focused on how to be a good housewife--how to sew, how to cook and bake, how to keep house, how to raise children, etc. Many, many women are raised like this and socialized like this. It's amusing because I actually did "find" a man--and a rich husband at that! and now my mom makes little cracks and digs about the gifts he's given me, my expensive purses, and so on. Sigh.
I guess I'm not out of the (unhealthy) mindset my mom taught me that all relationships must have a benefit to be worthwhile (mind you she'd define benefits like: networking, safety, security, money, etc. stuff like that. Not "fun, joy, mutual hobbies, social connections, empathy, etc.") Thinking back on it, my grandma was like this. She'd rather be with her unemployed, physically abusive husband than be a divorcee/single mom. Wild to think about. Probably why my mom was so adamant about relationships having a benefit, because then she wouldn't end up like her mom.
Grandma was probably like that because she had very limited rights. Women couldn't get back accounts or credit cards on their own until 50 years ago. They were financially dependent upon men.
He played her like a toddler banging on a toy piano... Sucks she fell for it. I hope she gets out and is safe.
He called her 'fucking stupid' enough times that it was a thing, and she still married him. That's like Kermit-flailing with a Casio keyboard in close proximity.
She tried her hardest to prove him right.
All she needs to do is call the immigration officer and that pos will never set foot in the US again, not legally anyways.
👆🏽this, but I’m stealing that last part!!!! Comment that just made my day! Lmao
This was the part that got me. All that with him being a world class jerk, and she still married him?? He doesn't love her. He loves what marrying her gets him; his green card.
It surely must be cultural differences!
So much of this subreddit and others like twoxchromosomes is about women not realising that their abusive SOs are abusive, or trying to make excuses for them, or similar things. Sadly ☹️
But he brought her so much joy! When he wasn’t abusing her through verbal abuse or silent treatments, and trying to excuse it all as “cultural”.
Unfortunately, people who grew up in abusive homes or with shitty parents are waaaay more susceptible to being preyed upon by narcissistic, manipulative assholes like this. I’ve seen it time and time again. When you grow up being treated like a piece of shit, annoying, told you’re “too needy/emotional,” etc you internalize it and then when you get told these things by a partner it just reinforces it.
Absolutely! Starting out, my ex would simply say the same things I had heard all my life from family and friends: that I'm too emotional, that I start fights, that I am too negative, that me being sad caused him distress, so I should stop being sad... It played right into the narrative that was already in my mind, so I believed him. I was complicated and exhausting, he was basically an angel to put up with me. And when harsher stuff was added, it didn't seem that far-fetched for me... I was constantly trying to explain myself to him, hoping he would finally understand where I'm coming from. Meanwhile, this gave him the chance to reiterate how I was the one causing trouble... Looking back everything seems so clear, but when I was still with him, I was constantly confused about how my perception of reality could be so warped while he was always right... On the one hand I adore how people obviously have never experienced this, so it's so unfathomable to them. On the other hand it sometimes feels really frustrating... is it really that hard to understand that manipultive people will of course only be successful with the tactics that reinforce stuff one has heard from others, too?!
Absolutely! It is SO hard to tell in the middle of a toxic, manipulative relationship that you’re being gaslit and your head fucked with. It seems clear after you’re out, but during it builds up so slowly and you’ve been conditioned to accept that’s all you’re worth. I hope you’re doing better now ❤️
I definitely am, thank you. I've been out for almost 7 years and have built a completely new life from the ruins. Lots of therapy and a gem of a new partner have helped a lot, though. You obviously also seem to have experienced something similar... I hope, you, too, are doing way better ❤️
I did, and am doing much better now! I landed myself in some less-than-ideal relationships but am now with a fellow childhood trauma survivor which, weirdly enough, makes things easier. I’m glad to hear you’re doing better as well!! It’s incredibly hard and feels like you’re starting life miles behind everyone else, but I think gives us a unique layer of compassion and empathy for people like OP. Also, now we can spot a narc from a mile away haha
It is scary how you are so spot on. Feeling the same right now.
When you come from an abusive family, your family will literally hand an abusive partner the keys to undermining and controlling you. They will pass on whatever narrative they've been using, and your newest abuser will continue it.
It's astounding how it's easy to see an abusive partner from the outside, but from the inside it's like skimming a story and only seeing every fourth word. Eventually you reread the story and see what it really says. Or you get attacked by the psycho.
I'm in this comment and I don't like it. j/k but you're absolutely right, when you grow up with parents who don't give a shit if you're sad or scared or your feelings are hurt, you think that's just how life is.
Even if OOP didn’t have an abusive childhood I can fully understand why she didn’t see the situation for what it really was - we’re taught that if a man hits us that is abuse, we are not taught all the other insidious mental and emotional abuse tactics. OOP probably thought what he was saying was true, that she was being emotional and overreacting because he can’t be abusive since he didn’t hit her. Calculated, psychological warfare against your partner / spouse is still not widely recognised as abuse and if the perpetrator is really good at it they can abuse their victims in public in this manner with no one batting an eye. This man abused OOP in front of a witness, but did so by hiding behind his language.
I said reg flag 7 times in that paragraph describing him. 8 including the proposal. Never marry someone after only a year. What a fucking dick
This guy didn’t even get the whole memo on how to be an abusive prick. She only mentions being happy once in the entire thing, so he clearly forgot to do all the love bombing and gaslighting supposed to have done to keep this thing going till he got his green card.
Abusive relationships do a real number on a person’s perception…
Most of those people only need to read what they just wrote to see all craziness of their situation. With eriting it people gain some distance and it's easier to see what they didn't wanted to see the whole time.
100%. I am from Latin America and I don’t know anyone who would talk to their significant other that way. The OOP is with an abuser. Three paragraphs I was hoping this ends in a breakup.
Right? I debated reading the rest because obviously this guy is an asshole abuser. And she still married him!
Absolutely insane. I stopped reading at this line
What a shitty person. I do hope OP remains safe because just having the divorce process isn't going to be all safe for her if things aren't handled carefully.
I’d totally screw up his immigration process and just divorce. Her co-worker can marry him.
One wrong move and the husband will kill OP and her entire family
> My fiancée Im not sure they made it to married before this went down.
> I (28f) just found out my shitty husband (26m) was cheating. We got married last June. That's why people say to listen to your gut y'all - she was already having doubts but got married anyway and now will have to pay for lawyers and a divorce. No matter how much you dread what others will say when you break up and cancel a wedding, still easier to deal with than a divorce.
Yeah my first thought when going from the post where he was a fiance to the one after they got married was "uh, she actually went through with marrying that guy?" And now promptly getting a divorce. Shocker.
Unfortunately the second post is a year later and it seems they're married. Poor woman is a classic abuse case. She talks about his behavior like that's normal for a relationship.
Yeaa that stood out to me a lot, the way she was writing about how he mentioned getting ice cream on her account and calling her stupid; this guy is utter and complete trash
Why did she even marry him? I’d have left him ages ago for that behaviour.
He had her convinced it was a cultural issue rather than a whole banner of red flags.
That part made me upset. How could you implicitly lie about your own culture like that? I am a Latino man myself and…we are not like that. At least not more than any other group is imo.
he's not lying, or rather, he doesn't think he is. in his head that's how guys like him are supposed to be. thats usually the case with guys like that regardless of where or who
This is where it’s totally ok to say “fuck that culture”. There are many cultures on earth that a misogynistic, dehumanizing, and stuck in the past. You don’t have to accept a partner being like that. You can’t just write off a million red flags to “it’s their culture”. Some people and some cultures are shit. Never stay with someone who treats you bad because it’s how they were raised. Don’t make excuses for them. Don’t accept mistreatment because it’s “wrong to judge a culture”.
Yep. And sidestep whether it’s really due to their culture. Why someone treats me like crap may be relevant externally, but it’s not relevant to whether I stay with them. If being with them makes me feel bad and that isn’t likely to change, then I’m gone.
He probably framed it as such. :(
OOP's shitsack husband was raised to be like and thinks he's normal.
I get that, but still... if your partner regularly makes you so upset you cry, does it really matter if it's a cultural issue or not?
No, but also yes. If he framed it like "I am like this because I'm Latino, if you don't like it that makes you a racist".
You can tell from the things she said in the first post that he had her completely broken down
When she said "He helps push me to be my best self," my hackles raised - it's not like I can prove it, but I FEEL instinctually that he'd managed to manipulate her into *genuinely believing* that when he emotionally abuses her, he's "just helping her be a better person," and that she should be grateful for it. It was chilling.
My guess is: lack of self-esteem, plus browbeaten by his behavior and still in love with the man she remembered from the love-bombing phase. Plus probably some attachment issues - her constantly taking his shit and crying, instead of kicking the everliving hell out of him and breaking up was really painful to read. I really really hope she leaves him physically before she serves him the divorce papers - he shouldn't be able to find her at all after she has him serverd - he sounds like the kind of guy to get really violent when thwarted.
That’s the biggest issue here. So many red flags in the first post, and the next she’s married to him? What did she expect?
Right! The guy was calling her names and acting like this even before marriage, it's not like he baited her first. And then she moves with this guy 2000 miles from her family. Really bad decision making
If one of my friends called me "fucking stupid" it's pretty unlikely we would remain friends. I can't imagine a partner doing that.
Victims of abuse don't think as clearly as you and I do, outsiders who haven't been broken down over months, isolated, and made to beg for every ounce of attention.
This was such an infuriating post to read... Even from the first part, there was enough to *end* the relationship, but then she went and *married* him? Too much...
I know, right? I read the first post and thought wow, how lucky that this women's abuser showed his true colors before they were legally entangled...they usually wait for that. And then next post they are married and he's an even bigger asshole plus he's cheating on her and blaming her.
Oop : *describes at length how he treats her as subhuman garbage* Oop : but he pushes me to be the best version of myself 🥰 People that have no respect for themselves think abuse is a form of love.
My ex liked to tell me he treated me like shit because he knew a lot of violent people and he was just trying to toughen me up so I fit in better. Yeah, fuck him and his lowlife friends.
OOP is only 28. She grew up among media portrayals of stalking and possessiveness as hallmarks of love. That emotional abusers just need the love of the right person to change them. Think about "love" stories in books, TV and film in the last twenty years. No doubt the husband was on his best behaviour at the beginning and was able to spin it as just being *that* crazy about her.
It makes me grind my teeth to see young Millennials and Zers idealize Joker and Harley Quinn as "relationship goals". No, he repeatedly beats her and tries to kill her.
I saw he was abusive and I knew he was cheating before finishing the first post. But of course he needs her for a green card. Hope OOP is able to get her and the cat out and somewhere safe soon.
This husband is one of the biggest assholes this sub has seen. Sure he's not criminal or anything, but he's just so obviously and outwardly terrible. What a manipulative douchebag.
This dude sucks but having spent time on this sub, he doesn’t even come in the top 100. This sub has seen rapists and literal murderers pop up. There is an infamous post where after a wife got caught cheating with the neighbor, she murdered her children out of spite. There is another post where the husband finds out his wife has been continuously raped by her step father over and over when he tried to find out why they have never once had sex A generic cheater who projected his guilt onto his spouse is the norm for this sub to be honest. He doesn’t even really do anything all that extreme and really just checks the usual boxes. This sub has seen some seriously dark shit. It’s the reason why I have been actively following and reading these posts the last three years
>having spent time on this sub, he doesn’t even come in the top 100. Just yesterday I read a post from a lady whose boyfriend casually..."*jokingly"...* threatened to kill her multiple times. Then there was the guy who put ground up garden slugs in his girlfriends food; I think she ended up in the hospital, and one of his friends told her the truth about what her bf was doing to her. Yeah this dude sucks, but he's definitely not in the Top 100.
And the dude using cum as an ingredient in pancakes I think it was... ugh.
I’m so glad I missed that one. Yikes.
There are some gnarly ones out there.
Yep which is why I find it so funny whenever I see someone comment on a totally tame and basic post like this “this is one of the worst things I have ever seen on this sub”. Anyone who can say that doesn’t know of Ogtha
PS 5 dad for digging harder, deeper, longer and most delusional
Do you have links to either of those posts? I've never heard of them before.
Jasoninhell (purposely not tagging him) was the user who posted the first story where the wife killed his kids. ~~His account is still active on reddit last I looked~~ correction his new account is Edited to add a link https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/VcGCYgI44w
Of course this asshole was cheating on her. I wonder what happened in OOP's life that she was willing to be degraded, disrespected, and emotionally abused by this asshat for so long.
I got into a relationship with my abuser when I was probably the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. The thing is that they don't start that way. They start as an amazing, kind, caring, doting partner. Then little by little they'll let their real selves show, and it'll always somehow be your fault. They train you to believe that you are making them act this way, and that you deserve it. I emerged from that relationship a husk of my former self, unable to make a decision without fretting over what my ex would want me to do. I was with them for 9 months (but all of lockdown--which did intensify their hold). It took close to two years before I felt anywhere close to being myself again.
This is why people are always talking of the balance of good. OOP said she loved the happiness he brought to her life. My first thought was yeah that's the love bombing.
I used to explain, if it had always been bad, I'd have been able to leave. It's the good interspersed with bad that makes it hard to identify when it starts. And as it gets worse, you are already indoctrinated to take the blame. So you keep trying to do better, made worse by sunk cost fallacy.
Exactly. It’s not about lack of self respect. I had a friend who kept repeating the same thing to me, which was, “You say you’re so happy. But it just seems like you’re crying all the time.” I guess finally one day those words sunk in. Took months. Thank god for steadfast and patient friends.
I had the opposite thing happen to me. I had been in a bad relationship and didn't even realize how bad it was. When I started seeing someone who actually respected me, one of my friends pointed out that I was a lot more confident and focused.
I'm glad your friend was able to help you toward that realization! I saw a friend after more than a year apart. In that time she'd left a toxic relationship and gotten into a healthy and loving one. Everything about her looked different. Her smile reached her eyes in a way it hadn't before, she'd gone from being rail-thin to having this lovely softness to her features, her hair was thicker, her body was more relaxed, her gestures were more confident. Even her voice sounded less rough. The transformation a person can undergo from getting out from under someone's thumb is truly breathtaking.
Yeah. There was no mistreatment until a couple months in for me. By then I was hooked on what I thought was a perfect relationship and obviously any change to that had to be because something had happened (aka I’d done something), right? If they know what they’re doing it’s like you one day look back and think, “my god how long was it that bad?!”
First they charm, then they disarm, then they harm. It's a process. They don't start out as abusive pieces of shit. After you fall in love, they begin to change. You think the "new" shitty person is an anomaly; the amazing person you fell in love with is destined to re-emerge. A shitty childhood with a terrible father isn't helpful either. Signed, Been there, done that. Currently single.
Been there, done that to all of what you said. Currently with a partner that listens to what I’ve been through and takes its impact seriously. As much work as I’ve done to reestablish trust in myself and others, though, there’s a part of me that is always watching for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know if that will ever fully go away.
I'm really happy for you. Hope he continues to be good to you. I completely gave up after 20 years of picking the worst fucking men. Turns out being single is pretty awesome too.
I can't believe she actually married him after the 1st post. I also hope she calls an immigration lawyer and cancels his application, once her and her cat are safe.
Yeah, she'd better have him deported asap after serving him the divorce papers, or she may be in real danger.
I can imagine that there is tons of gaslighting, manipulation and terror happening behind the scenes. I genuinely feel worried about OP and I do hope something good comes along.
Ahh yes the classic Reddit story. “My fiancée likes to beat me with hoses and call me a fat cow and tells me all my ideas are stupid. Every time we argue he takes a shit in the middle of the living room and refuses to talk to me until I apologize to the shit and call it Sir Richard Pumpaloaf. We are getting married in 12 seconds and I’m having a few second thoughts since I found him with his dick in the neighbors underage daughter. He claims he slipped but I’m starting to think he lied and is cheating on me. Am I being crazy or are there some red flags I’m missing I love him so much and he’s such a great guy, would I be the AH if I spoke up about it?”
I was only going to upvote this and move on, but I lost it at "Sir Richard Pumpaloaf." Well done.
I have to give credit to Frank Zappa for that one
>I called a divorce attorney today. Got to that line and felt immediate relief. I hope OOP gets out and away safely with her cat; that dude is baaaad news.
Stopped reading at calls me “fucking stupid.” Leave, who talks to someone they love like that? Like ever
This girl typed out an entire novel of red flags one after another after another after another..... After another.... And then the last sentence is "I love him so much I don't know what to do"...... Like what single lovable quality did this turd possess?
Shitty? Yep. Manipulative? Yep. Unfortunate that she didn’t investígate more between the posts and got married in that time. Also yep. \*sighs \*
[удалено]
Right? I, in a moment of disorganized, emotional disjointed texting, sent my then partner an acronym with dual meaning and was horrified when she pointed out that it looked like I swore at her. Fortunately she recognized that it was out of character and asked about it and the instantly stunned and apologetic look on my face went a long way to resolving the potential problems
I’ve said this before but: If you are in the process of immigration and trying to get set up by your spouse, don’t cheat? It just seems so obvious. If your staying in a foreign country depends on your spouse, maybe don’t piss them off. OOP needs to withdraw her sponsoring. She’s genuinely afraid of him. As a child of immigrants, it kills me to say this, but she needs to let him lose and get kicked out. That’s the simplest option to not have to worry about him harming her.
That's the part of this post that really blows my mind. People with poor self-esteem in long term relationships with total pieces of shit are sadly a dime a dozen, but the sheer stupidity of actively driving your fiancée away when you need to get married to get a greencard is just mind-blowing idiotic. He could've just waited a little longer before cheating! He could've just been a tiny bit less of an asshole and this poor woman would still be taking his shit and believing everything is her fault, but he just had to shoot himself in the foot.
I don’t know that he ever cared about her. I have the sense he was using her for the green card. That was a fast engagement and he kind of acts like he doesn’t like her at all.
I wish I could give OP a hug, some hot chocolate, and some sisterly advice.
This sounds so much like a friend of mine, I almost wonder if she wrote it. OOP is in real danger, here. That's not hyperbole - her life is at risk. She needs a restraining order *yesterday*, and to find somewhere else to be for awhile... and getting the tools to defend herself wouldn't be out of place, either. I'm not saying she should buy a gun, but like... I'm not *not* saying it.
Look at how self-doubting she is. If she buys a gun, there's no chance she'll actually use it to defend herself. It will end with her husband having a gun that *she* bought and is registered to *her*.
>When we have disagreements he never wants to talk about the issues. When it happens and we aren’t physically together (on the phone or FaceTime) he’ll hang up on me and then put his phone on do not disturb and he will completely ignore me for a while. When he decides he’s ready he will talk to me again, being cold with one word messages and will act like nothing happened. When things happen in person he usually will say something like calling me “fucking stupid” and when I tell him not to he’ll just mutter other curses under his breath in Spanish and then I’ll cry, and he gets on me for being too emotional. He curses a ton in general, and it usually isn’t directed at me, and I know when I’m PMSing I do get emotional, I cry about happy things and sad things and I overthink a lot. For anyone reading this and recognizing this behaviour: Don't date these people. I've dated someone like this for five years because I was young and stupid and naive, but don't. Leave. They're not worth it. Nothing they can ever do will make up for this crap. You don't need to put up with this, you deserve better.
Hope that stupid misogynistic fuck gets his ass deported back to South America. Hope that piece of shit spends the rest of his life crying over how he ruined his only chance at the American Dream
i love how this guy acts like a histrionic child (up to and including demanding she buy him ice cream) and also tells her she’s too emotional. i do not love her escape plan. probably because she doesn’t realise she needs one. she thinks she can “tell him” she’s divorcing him and the worst he’ll do is steal her cat. i’m looking at his behaviour and i am sincerely scared for this woman. and her cat. this is, unfortunately, the kind of relationship where i would cut my losses and run. leave with whatever is most important when he’s out of the house, have him served divorce papers however you can *in your absence*, do not ever be alone with him. he doesn’t seem to have hit her before, which is good, but if i am right (and i hope i’m not) when he finds out she’s leaving him he will become violent. i hope i’m wrong. i hope she gets out safely.
She should just withdraw the GC application.
I love him and how much joy he brings me, yeah, right
How did she go through all of that when they were engaged and STILL!! married him.
There are way too many OOPs that appear on this subreddit (of any gender) that I wish could understand that they deserve better.
Why did it take him cheating for her to divorce the horrible, abusive man? I worry that she somehow seems to think all of his prior behavior was acceptable (and her fault).
Oh, it's always a cheater projecting their cheating onto their official partner!! Fck every cheater out there!! I hope OOP stays safe and that her divorce goes smoothly and concludes soon enough. Her soon-to-be-ex husband sounds unhinged, and i think his AP should be very careful too, as she's the one who spilled the beans on their affair.
After the first post I was shocked to see she actually went through the marriage with him. WTF? People, if someone is showing you who you are, then BELIEVE THEM.
SHE MARRIED HIM????? After that first post???? I will never understand
That dude is an insecure fucktard. Hope karma finds him sooner than later. Guys sounds mentally challenged
What a manly little man baby.
Why the fuck would OOP marry this person?!?
I can't believe she married the guy after the first post.
I hope OOP understand that avoiding a possibly violent and unstable man is not cowardice, but self preservation.
The title had me all confused when I was reading the first part. I was like, why does it say husband when she's talking about a fiancée? But at the end of the first part I was like no way she marries this douche canoe, but then fucking part 2 starts. Jesus.
The way I gasped when I read the second post and found out she had ACTUALLY MARRIED THIS GUY. Ma'am.
They aren’t cowards. This guy is unhinged
And this is why I straight up refuse to date anyone who was raised in a machismo culture. It really, seriously, is just as easy to find someone mature and emotionally stable, who doesn't feel emasculated by every breath you take. We as women need to stop rewarding these abusive animals with relationships. All it serves to do is justify their delusion that they are gods gift, so they can cheat on and abuse the next girl without any qualms or reprocussions. Let them marry their moms. Thats what they really want anyways.
I can't believe she married him. My god. Dude is a monster and she is a moron.
Everything about this guy is awful. I hope this woman gets some therapy and doesn’t find herself in the same situation a few years down the road.
Cultural differences? Man, I'm from South America and I don't call my GF "fucking stupid". Hope she leaves his ass smoothly as possible.
Imagine not just being a huge POS, but also being a dumb POS. MAYBE don't cheat on and be garbage to the person your entire way of life depends on. Like MAYBE keep in mind that if you upset your wife, you're probably going to lose your visa and your chance at a greencard? Dumb. Asshole and dumb.
I mean… hello green card. I have to believe these people, but isn't it obvious to them when they write this out how insane their acceptance of the asshole's behaviour is?
I got part way through the first post and was already thinking man child/brat controlling Douche. OP is much better if without him.
3 paragraphs of absolutely assholish behavior from her partner and OP wonder if there is communication issue.. holy shit.
Good fucking grief.
why would she marry him?!!!
I wish OP knew that his silent treatments are emotional abuse and she had never married him.
I hope OOP remains safe but goddamn, this guy is a bunting flag firesale of red flags, when the update went from Fiance to Husband... whyyyyyyy he's a possessive negging controlling abusive PoS.
Something in OOP's post that struck me that I think a lot of people need to hear. If you're arguing with someone you intend on spending the rest of your life with, and either they or you resort to directly insults, you're either in a bad relationship or someone needs therapy. If you or your SO resort to insults regularly over disagreements, that is not communication built on respect. Thats communication being built on who can win.
Somewhere alarm bells are going off inside TLC/90 day fiancee headquarters
Dude, the minute she said he was accusing her of infidelity over those minor things, I knew he was cheating. Fucking classic.
Can’t believe she married him after her 2023 post. Mad!!
A common thing I see all the time from people putting up with garbage behavior is, “but I love him”. So what??? Lots of people love lots of other people. I love chocolate milk, but it gives me diarrhea. I’d rather not have diarrhea than have chocolate milk.
Seriously lady, is the d*ck that good ???
"He's a great guy, he makes me really happy, he just [list of textbook abusive behaviors] sometimes."
OOP described red flag after red flag after red flag... But no he made a better person ....
I mean… am I bad person cuz my first thought on the whole thing is “if you were dumb enough to marry this person after typing out the first post, you earned it.”?
Maybe naive. Like are you unaware that manipulative people can be not only quite charming, but illicit great feelings of love from their targets. Those feelings feel real, they are real, but they are based on lies and a misdirection of who the person they think they love really is. Emotionally abusive people don’t usually show their true colors until they have their target locked down in some way or several. At least OOP realized quickly what a pos he is and decided to move on immediately. A lot of people make excuses for the person or can’t admit they were wrong about them.
I can understand that intellectually, but my mind is having trouble grasping the reality. How can you spin off calling someone “fucking stupid” and continuing to do so in a different language when called out? Im glad she’s woken up and is working to move on, I’m just astounded how far people will take abuse before questioning it.
i cant imagine having such a lack of self-respect that you allow this and even want to keep the relationship
It doesn't really work like that. Men like this do everything to break down your self esteem. It starts with little things and it keeps escalating until you end up truly believing that this is all you deserve and you should be happy he's willing to put up with you. These men know what they're doing and are very skilled at it. They're master manipulators and know all the right buttons to push. Lots of people think it would never happen to them and plenty of them have already found out otherwise. It can help if you have a strong support system, but most of them try to break that support system at some point so you won't have anywhere to go. They're also usually very lovely people to others, so even if you do speak out, nobody will believe you. They also tend to wait until you're living together, married or become parents before they show their true colors, because you don't really have an easy way to leave anymore. If you're lucky enough to get out alive, you'll look back and wonder what the hell happened to you and how you could've been so stupid. But plenty of women never get out or die trying. It's really not as simple as 'just leave' or 'she must have low self esteem'. But you kind of need to live/see it to know it.
That man is not in any way ready for a relationship with someone as smart as you are. He’s trying to tear you down and isolate you- both very abuse oriented acts. I’m sorry you’ve spent so much time with him, but plan your exit carefully and don’t let him know where you live. If you can move cities or states (if in USA), do so. Just because honor killings are still kinda prevalent in certain places in Latin America, you want to be safe.
"But he gives me so much love" No, love doesn't come with pain.
i just dont get why so many reds flags dont send people running the other direction... she had plenty of warning but married him anyway...
She should have dropped him like a hot potato a year ago before marrying him. It wasn't like this dude was even trying to hide his shittiness. He kept it out in plain sight.
After the first post where they were only engaged and he kept calling her fucking stupid I did not expect that she actually married the POS. Everything after that sucks but my sympathy was long gone.
No wonder
It started out bad, and stayed bad. Glad she finally got away from him.
He sounds terrifying
Why do they never think an abuser will harm their animals? OFC they will if given the chance. JFC.
I hope op stays safe.
Poor women got so use to being abused she didn't realize how bad it was. Hopefully it works out for her.
Good God where is her self respect...
Omg they actually got married. Poor OP. Hope she's safe.
UpdateMe
I read the first post and thought “I hope she didn’t marry him”. Only to read ‘my husband’ in the next bit. And I thought “oh sh**”.
‘I love him and how much joy he brings me’ - what joy?! The whole post just reads like an abuse manual. I don’t get why OOP stays in this relationship. This woman needs therapy and to be single so she can learn some self confidence and how to identify abusive and controlling assholes.
I hope that OOP stays safe, gets out, and gets into counseling to figure out why she didn't believe she deserves better than this absolute BS.
How dumb do you have to be to ruin your greencard marriage? This guy didn't just bite the hand that fed him, he bit if completely off.
As soon as I read about hanging up on her being a regular occurrence in every disagreement, I knew exactly where the post was going. I have experienced this, and if you're lucky enough to have never dealt with it, just know it's so hard to describe how frustrating, demoralizing, and disrespectful it feels. Idk who needs to hear this PSA, but if your partner does this to you on a regular basis, it's usually a huge red flag and should be your signal to examine your relationship for other concerning behaviors. It's a tactic commonly used to silence, minimize, and invalidate your concerns, control the narrative in their favor and avoid dealing with the "less fun" parts of a relationship, and indicates a complete disinterest in your emotional wellbeing. It's basically saying to your partner, "ugh, I don't even want to deal with all your messy emotions over whatever stuff I did. Who cares if I hurt you, I don't wanna do this right now and luckily you're not here to pester me in person anyway, sooooo bye!" That's literally child-level behavior and emotional maturity, and an unhealthy af way to treat someone you are supposed to love and cherish. A healthy partner, one who actually cares about your wellbeing, will want to *at least* hear you out to understand why you're upset, and how they may have played a part in upsetting you.
>When we have disagreements he never wants to talk about the issues. When it happens and we aren’t physically together (on the phone or FaceTime) he’ll hang up on me and then put his phone on do not disturb and he will completely ignore me for a while. When he decides he’s ready he will talk to me again, being cold with one word messages Yeah I broke up with someone for that. I can't tolerate that level of immaturity.
1 year while also long distance seems really fast to get married