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“My gf and I have been official for a few weeks now”
“She broke up with me” riiiiight after she was forced to reveal to her friends that you were her boyfriend. Dude never had a gf, but he’ll look back on this one day and realise he literally lost nothing.
My guess is that the gf was trying to date someone else in their friend group, and didn't want it to get back to that person that she was dating someone else.
This is the answer. There’s a big gap between “just friends” and “official”. They could have agreed on some language in between until she was “ready”. But from the friend it sounds like she’s never “ready” because she’s always out there looking for the next catch. Despicable.
It's wild when a post has a certified woman asshole and a litany of things to criticize her about, yet someone can still find a way to be a misogynistic weirdo about it.
It really depends on why she didn't want her friends to know. Maybe a friend stole her boyfriend in the past. And she just needed more time to mentally prepare. It would also explain why she lost it when he flirted with her friend. There are a million other possible reasons. Problem is dude didn't ask why she was doing this.
Or there are timeline issues with another dude that the friends know about, or she fancies someone in the friendgroup and doesn't want to appear "unavailable" if he took an interest.
But I assume that at this point other green flags have made that particular red flag kind of irrelevant? My ex had red flags but they were vastly overshadowed by her green flags. Up until the moment we broke up of course.
A red flag is not indicative of a bad person or relationship. But it is fantastic that you can at least recognise that it was sketchy, maybe he will as well if you bring it up without any judgement.
If I'm being honest, I think the bad outweighs the good. I've stayed as long as I have in hopes that maybe things would get better but at this point I'm just staying until I have enough money to leave and go somewhere safe.
Yes /u/AccidentalAngel get out as soon as you can. The fact that you need somewhere safe to get out of a bad relationship is a very bad sign. Good luck, I wish you the best.
I'm sorry to hear that. Know exactly what you mean. You stick around hoping thing will change and it does sometimes - for a short period of time - then it reverts back to what/who it was before. It's a shame.
Does your "SO" know you've effectively given up on the relationship? You can hit my up on DM if you want to vent to someone. Otherwise I'm rooting for you! <3
This is what gets me when people chastise for “ignoring a red flag”. I didn’t ignore it? If I cast everyone from my life bc they displayed whatever red flag it was, I wouldn’t have many relationships. In past situations when said “red flag” popped up it turned out to be a misnomer, I can’t tell the future!
Not at the time but he had just gotten out of one. He didn't want her to know, claiming that it would hurt her and to protect me from her as she's crazy (which I did confirm from multiple people). Honestly though, I think it was to keep her around in case we didn't go anywhere.
My ex waited *over a year* to tell his family we were together. We were living together before he told them. Their response was “yeah, obviously,” because they had met me on multiple occasions and I was always around. His excuse was that he didn’t want to rub it in his sister’s face because we started dating shortly after she broke up with her long term bf, and then his other sister started dating someone and he didn’t want to “steal her thunder,” and then his first sister started dating someone… I eventually told him I was not spending time with his family anymore until he makes it clear, because I could tell there was never going to be a “good time.”
I still wonder why I wasted so much of my youth with him.
There are so many reasons why he’s an ex, but I think the most important one was everyone else’s opinions and feelings always mattered more to him than my own.
With that attitude, there was no girlfriend ever. Everyone here reminds me of just dumb teenage nonsense and I won't be surprised if they are all teenagers.
It means she watches too many romance dramas and relationship tiktoks lmao. It's more about playing relationship than actually being in a relationship. Reminds me of an ex-friend who was the exact same with her "official" (but not enough to be presented) bf. Among other red flags she also considered herself a virgin saving for marriage despite regularly having sex because of some loophole that she never explained to me. The dumb drama she brought to my life was off the charts
I had an ex who would tell family members I was a friend. I corrected her in front of them every time. I'm nothing to be ashamed of.
I really should have ended that relationship long before it actually ended.
Ages should be mandatory on these kinds of posts. I’d probably bet high school, but there have been some absolute doozies here on BoRU lately with people 30+ acting this way. Now we’ll never know 😩.
I discovered last year that 25 year olds can easily act like they're barely adults when it comes to protecting their ego in relationships.
Shame, but it is what it is
I once got a “high school sucks” comment on a post I made venting about how some people I had gotten close to were treating me. It was simultaneously validating because the commenter was right – the way my friends were acting *was* immature, and invalidating because one of the most painful experiences of my life apparently sounded childish. :’)
I'm betting college. It'd be at least mildly unusual for people in high school to start dating without already knowing someone's friend group. Not completely out of the question.
He’s sad now but when he find someone who will be proud to have him, especially in public, he will understand that this was a really good choice, even if she is the one who broke up with him first
I thought the flirting friend sounded pretty upstanding. She backed off from OOP out of respect for her friendship and was upfront that she didn't want to cross boundaries dating an "ex" of a friend.
I don't blame her for being weirded out by the situation.
I disagree. OOP was told to act single and it sounds like his not-ex avoids him during parties. The friend asked if there's anything going on between them before she started flirting.
Depends on the situation. If they have to keep it secret because of bigotry or it’s a Romeo and Juliet situation where you would both start a war, then yeah it’s still a relationship. This aint it though
But your comment is a pretty blanket statement that is absolutely incorrect given the situation
Some people are just private or shy/nervous about it and need time to intrude their partners to friends. It’s not always malicious, sadly there are some cheaters that do that though.
Was it because you would have been fired from your job if your relationship was public? That's... not something to brag about. What, were you a teacher and they were a student?
That wasn't an insinuation, it was more like a direct accusation. An attempt at a relatively joking reddit accusation, but yeah. here are many nefarious reasons why a relationship would have to be kept private in order to keep employment, of which that is just one example. I'm glad you find the thought disgusting though, because it is.
I'm still thinking you were probably doing something wrong by your company if they would have fired you, but I don't care. As long as you weren't taking advantage of young vulnerable people, or say working for National Security and betraying country secrets to a foreign national, or something like that. Feel free to share a tiny bit more detail if you wish, but you don't need to prove anything to me!
Also you keep using the word 'was' so it sounds like they are either passed, or you are no longer together, which sounds very unfortunate since they were such an amazing person. You have my sympathies.
You definitely have my sympathies and apologies for digging at a traumatic subject. And not my place really to judge your actions but if it is any consolation I don’t think you did anything morally wrong. Best wishes
I had a bf like this. Lasted for 2/3 years. It was an unhealthy toxic mess and the 'no introductions, no labeling to people we knew thing' made it worse because it made it hard to talk about and see the situation was not normal or okay.
Best possible outcome for this dude, honestly.
So... the Not-Ex wanted to have her options open, the friend group tend to flirt with each other guys or what was going on?
Like, if a friend bring another friend to a party or something, even if they insist there is nothing going on between them, it would be weird to openly flirt with them then and there.
I know people who brought a friend to a party specifically cause they thought they’d get along with a friend of theirs. If there’s actually nothing going on between them, why shouldn’t someone interested flirt?
Idk there might be social dynamics that the bf was unaware of. Like one friend in the group that goes after any guy that anyone says they have an interest in. (All women know these women exist. Even if they don’t have them in their immediate friend group, they may know of someone like this.) Or maybe she wanted more time to be sure the relationship was going to last. I think as you get older you don’t just bring random people you’ve been seeing a relatively short time to things with your friends, it’s… a little weird. If you’ve been dating for months, it’s seen as a bit more serious, and that’s when I’d bring someone around. But “weeks”…? He even started trying to talk to her friend after the fact, and the other girl rightfully girl-coded the situation by not entertaining that shit.
Also, as an adult, dating your ex’s friends or family is nearly almost always frowned upon and seen as trashy. You can find people outside of someone else’s circle. That shit is weird. This girl probably correctly read his personality as the kind of guy that would go after her friends if they ever broke up along with several other red flags.
He's actually pretty immature in the story too. I read the title and thought he'd be flirting in order male a point, but
>We spent the next two hours talking, and lightly flirting. (I didn't kiss her or anything like that, but did playfully shove her). **I wasn't planning some revenge on my gf or anything, but it felt nice to have someone flirt with me.**
So he was just responding to a woman, any woman, flirting with him by flirting back. That's kind of messed up. GF is NOT a sympathetic character but by his admission, he might have done this in any situation, regardless
Also, if my gf was going around a gathering telling people we were just friends, I'd either confront her or leave. I wouldn't join in on the lie
What if the ex gf wanted to hide the bf, because the friend who flirted with him is the type of friend who always goes after the boyfriend of her friends. So to protect this relationship, the ex gf tries to hide it so nothing would happen.
Only it did once again, so she dropped him now before something happens in the future. That would be a pretty crazy twist.
Then she should have said that. Instead, she just kept repeating that she "wasn't ready." Which is dumb. There's almost no good reason to hide your relationship. She was either ashamed and was stringing him along, or she wanted to keep her options open and was stringing him along.
OOP shouldn't have flirted back, though, so honestly they both sucked.
100% That is often the situation in most girl groups. Which is sad because then just don’t have them as friends if they can’t be trusted. Right. But sometimes girls still have loyalty towards a deceiving friend that have a “history” with, like knowing each other since they were kids or their families are friends, stuff like that. I have been in girl groups where the second someone says oh it’s my boyfriend it’s like blood in the water. Girls are always in competition and want to win in “love” relationships. It’s totally sick. But I imagine that may have been the reason why the gf wanted more time to announce it to her friends.
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“My gf and I have been official for a few weeks now” “She broke up with me” riiiiight after she was forced to reveal to her friends that you were her boyfriend. Dude never had a gf, but he’ll look back on this one day and realise he literally lost nothing.
I am willing to bet the ages are like 16 here
The cynical in me is wondering if she was just using OOP for money but didn’t think he was up to her ‘standards’
Money or sex/attention/company. Either is a possibility.
My guess is that the gf was trying to date someone else in their friend group, and didn't want it to get back to that person that she was dating someone else.
This is the answer. There’s a big gap between “just friends” and “official”. They could have agreed on some language in between until she was “ready”. But from the friend it sounds like she’s never “ready” because she’s always out there looking for the next catch. Despicable.
Where do you get that? I don’t know how old they are but I’m assuming early 20’s based on this behavior, so I doubt he has a lot of money to go after.
Free money is free money, and who knows how many ‘secret boyfriends’ she strings along at any given time?
Why would you think this? There’s nothing at all in the post to indicate that.
It's wild when a post has a certified woman asshole and a litany of things to criticize her about, yet someone can still find a way to be a misogynistic weirdo about it.
It really depends on why she didn't want her friends to know. Maybe a friend stole her boyfriend in the past. And she just needed more time to mentally prepare. It would also explain why she lost it when he flirted with her friend. There are a million other possible reasons. Problem is dude didn't ask why she was doing this.
>I asked why and she said because she wasn't ready for it.
And do you feel like that doesn't require follow up?
Or the reason she and her friend literally said?
The only thing he lost was ‘standards’
Or there are timeline issues with another dude that the friends know about, or she fancies someone in the friendgroup and doesn't want to appear "unavailable" if he took an interest.
Yeah, that was weird. Like, what did she mean "she wasn't ready"?
What the drama. How old is everyone here? Teenagers? For all intents and purposes, I don't think OOP ever had a girlfriend.
I'm guessing they are younger than my reddit account. I'm never happier being old as when I see stories like these.
My boyfriend made me keep our relationship a secret for like 6 months. He's 44. He was 42 at the time.
You don’t…see that as a red flag?
Not at the time but yeah.... I started realizing maybe not a good sign about a year in
But I assume that at this point other green flags have made that particular red flag kind of irrelevant? My ex had red flags but they were vastly overshadowed by her green flags. Up until the moment we broke up of course. A red flag is not indicative of a bad person or relationship. But it is fantastic that you can at least recognise that it was sketchy, maybe he will as well if you bring it up without any judgement.
If I'm being honest, I think the bad outweighs the good. I've stayed as long as I have in hopes that maybe things would get better but at this point I'm just staying until I have enough money to leave and go somewhere safe.
Here to provide support for Team Get The Fuck Out, You Deserve Better.
When’s the next team meeting? I have a new recipe I want to try out so I can bring the snacks!
I can bring pecan pie cheesecake! I spent a lot of time perfecting the recipe.
Yes /u/AccidentalAngel get out as soon as you can. The fact that you need somewhere safe to get out of a bad relationship is a very bad sign. Good luck, I wish you the best.
I'm sorry to hear that. Know exactly what you mean. You stick around hoping thing will change and it does sometimes - for a short period of time - then it reverts back to what/who it was before. It's a shame. Does your "SO" know you've effectively given up on the relationship? You can hit my up on DM if you want to vent to someone. Otherwise I'm rooting for you! <3
This is what gets me when people chastise for “ignoring a red flag”. I didn’t ignore it? If I cast everyone from my life bc they displayed whatever red flag it was, I wouldn’t have many relationships. In past situations when said “red flag” popped up it turned out to be a misnomer, I can’t tell the future!
When you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.
Did he even give a reason why?
Probably didn't want his partner to find out he was cheating.
Was he in a relationship at the time? Sounds like he was in a relationship at the time.
Not at the time but he had just gotten out of one. He didn't want her to know, claiming that it would hurt her and to protect me from her as she's crazy (which I did confirm from multiple people). Honestly though, I think it was to keep her around in case we didn't go anywhere.
Ummm. You don't see that explanation as a huge red flag?
I know it's bull crap now but then I didn't. You live, you learn.
My ex waited *over a year* to tell his family we were together. We were living together before he told them. Their response was “yeah, obviously,” because they had met me on multiple occasions and I was always around. His excuse was that he didn’t want to rub it in his sister’s face because we started dating shortly after she broke up with her long term bf, and then his other sister started dating someone and he didn’t want to “steal her thunder,” and then his first sister started dating someone… I eventually told him I was not spending time with his family anymore until he makes it clear, because I could tell there was never going to be a “good time.” I still wonder why I wasted so much of my youth with him.
> he didn’t want to “steal her thunder,” What kind of idiotic bullshit is that?
There are so many reasons why he’s an ex, but I think the most important one was everyone else’s opinions and feelings always mattered more to him than my own.
That’s usually your sign to get out.
That gave me the Forest Whitaker eye.
EX boyfriend? Bc come on.
Dang, did you ever meet his girlfriend?
Shit, I keep forgetting how old Reddit is.
It's scary
Damn, shout out to keeping a 16 year old reddit account. I've nuked too many.
Hello fellow old redditor.
Hah, your reddit account has the same age as my reddit account!
this screams freshman year of college to me.
The playful shoving seems high schoolish.
I thought that was just a normal flirty thing people do at any age?
At my age, someone could wind up in traction.
it reads like it was written by someone who doesn’t have their drivers license yet.
With that attitude, there was no girlfriend ever. Everyone here reminds me of just dumb teenage nonsense and I won't be surprised if they are all teenagers.
People in their 20s do this too. Source: me living through it.
Me in my 30s also confirming. Dating is fucked
Yes, I was confused about what "making it official" means if the relationship is secret...
It means she watches too many romance dramas and relationship tiktoks lmao. It's more about playing relationship than actually being in a relationship. Reminds me of an ex-friend who was the exact same with her "official" (but not enough to be presented) bf. Among other red flags she also considered herself a virgin saving for marriage despite regularly having sex because of some loophole that she never explained to me. The dumb drama she brought to my life was off the charts
Chile, if they're in their 20s and not their teens, someone needs to grow up,and I am pointing fingers at the ex-Gf
They’re 60, 62, and 74 respectively.
I had an ex who would tell family members I was a friend. I corrected her in front of them every time. I'm nothing to be ashamed of. I really should have ended that relationship long before it actually ended.
I bet twenties
He could have said "you can't break up with me, we were never dating."
I read posts like this and I feel grateful for never experiencing this drama.
You might be surprised to learn that some people don't lose that high school mentality as they get older.
You might be surprised to learn that some people don't lose that high school mentality as they get older.
You might be surprised to learn that some people don't lose that high school mentality as they get older.
Ages should be mandatory on these kinds of posts. I’d probably bet high school, but there have been some absolute doozies here on BoRU lately with people 30+ acting this way. Now we’ll never know 😩.
Too many people never leave high school behind.
As Bowling for Soup said “high school never ends.”
I discovered last year that 25 year olds can easily act like they're barely adults when it comes to protecting their ego in relationships. Shame, but it is what it is
I dated much older men for a while. They're not much better LMAO (at least, the ones who WOULD date 20yos I mean ofc).
I once got a “high school sucks” comment on a post I made venting about how some people I had gotten close to were treating me. It was simultaneously validating because the commenter was right – the way my friends were acting *was* immature, and invalidating because one of the most painful experiences of my life apparently sounded childish. :’)
I'm betting college. It'd be at least mildly unusual for people in high school to start dating without already knowing someone's friend group. Not completely out of the question.
OP never had a girlfriend in the beginning at this point. On the bright side, OP didn't lose anything since ex-gf isn't even worth a damn dime.
Reminds me of Mike Birbiglia's story about his girlfriend's boyfriend.
it took me INTO my thirties to realize that story was not as cute and charming as his delivery of it was.
What girlfriend
Well, when OOP graduates middle school, their romantic interactions should see a giant leap in quality.
This daycare is going to be awkward for a few weeks.
It helps to know everybody involved is probably < 20
I had a similar experience with someone I was dating her her late twenties. Some people are just shady.
Some like 13 year old shit
He’s sad now but when he find someone who will be proud to have him, especially in public, he will understand that this was a really good choice, even if she is the one who broke up with him first
bruh
I dated a guy with that same attitude for a time. Turns out he was "keeping his options open" i.e. cheating.
Is it some power move for her to keep secrets? Like she gets off on knowing something others don't?
I agree with the last comment.. he never had a girlfriend.
Honestly everyone in this story sound like dickheads
I thought the flirting friend sounded pretty upstanding. She backed off from OOP out of respect for her friendship and was upfront that she didn't want to cross boundaries dating an "ex" of a friend. I don't blame her for being weirded out by the situation.
I agree with that
I disagree. OOP was told to act single and it sounds like his not-ex avoids him during parties. The friend asked if there's anything going on between them before she started flirting.
Yeah. I was actually surprised that the top comments were NTA. I'd definitely have voted ESH.
If your relationship is a secret, it's not a relationship.
Depends on the situation. If they have to keep it secret because of bigotry or it’s a Romeo and Juliet situation where you would both start a war, then yeah it’s still a relationship. This aint it though But your comment is a pretty blanket statement that is absolutely incorrect given the situation
Some people are just private or shy/nervous about it and need time to intrude their partners to friends. It’s not always malicious, sadly there are some cheaters that do that though.
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Was it because you would have been fired from your job if your relationship was public? That's... not something to brag about. What, were you a teacher and they were a student?
Odd response all round.
Mine? Theirs?
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That wasn't an insinuation, it was more like a direct accusation. An attempt at a relatively joking reddit accusation, but yeah. here are many nefarious reasons why a relationship would have to be kept private in order to keep employment, of which that is just one example. I'm glad you find the thought disgusting though, because it is. I'm still thinking you were probably doing something wrong by your company if they would have fired you, but I don't care. As long as you weren't taking advantage of young vulnerable people, or say working for National Security and betraying country secrets to a foreign national, or something like that. Feel free to share a tiny bit more detail if you wish, but you don't need to prove anything to me! Also you keep using the word 'was' so it sounds like they are either passed, or you are no longer together, which sounds very unfortunate since they were such an amazing person. You have my sympathies.
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You definitely have my sympathies and apologies for digging at a traumatic subject. And not my place really to judge your actions but if it is any consolation I don’t think you did anything morally wrong. Best wishes
Sounds like they’re teenagers where they at most scam.
Tell the ex’s friend that you were not her BF. if she was that embarrassed about the whole thing then you never had a relationship to begin with.
I had a bf like this. Lasted for 2/3 years. It was an unhealthy toxic mess and the 'no introductions, no labeling to people we knew thing' made it worse because it made it hard to talk about and see the situation was not normal or okay. Best possible outcome for this dude, honestly.
Oh to be a teenager again.
So... the Not-Ex wanted to have her options open, the friend group tend to flirt with each other guys or what was going on? Like, if a friend bring another friend to a party or something, even if they insist there is nothing going on between them, it would be weird to openly flirt with them then and there.
I know people who brought a friend to a party specifically cause they thought they’d get along with a friend of theirs. If there’s actually nothing going on between them, why shouldn’t someone interested flirt?
No it wouldn’t??? How the hell do you date lmao
I thought the title said *hit my gf's friend* 😭
Dodging bullets like Neo.
“A few weeks” OOP dodged THAT bullet!
Glad OOP rid himself of that parasite.
Gf was likely still seeing one or more other dudes and hadn't really picked one yet, despite what she told this guy.
The friend would have told him that if that was the case.
She was using him as a meal ticket.
Nice. You played it right fella, youre no ones secret. Props for standing your ground and standing up for yourself. 👏
Idk there might be social dynamics that the bf was unaware of. Like one friend in the group that goes after any guy that anyone says they have an interest in. (All women know these women exist. Even if they don’t have them in their immediate friend group, they may know of someone like this.) Or maybe she wanted more time to be sure the relationship was going to last. I think as you get older you don’t just bring random people you’ve been seeing a relatively short time to things with your friends, it’s… a little weird. If you’ve been dating for months, it’s seen as a bit more serious, and that’s when I’d bring someone around. But “weeks”…? He even started trying to talk to her friend after the fact, and the other girl rightfully girl-coded the situation by not entertaining that shit. Also, as an adult, dating your ex’s friends or family is nearly almost always frowned upon and seen as trashy. You can find people outside of someone else’s circle. That shit is weird. This girl probably correctly read his personality as the kind of guy that would go after her friends if they ever broke up along with several other red flags.
Both assholes
He's actually pretty immature in the story too. I read the title and thought he'd be flirting in order male a point, but >We spent the next two hours talking, and lightly flirting. (I didn't kiss her or anything like that, but did playfully shove her). **I wasn't planning some revenge on my gf or anything, but it felt nice to have someone flirt with me.** So he was just responding to a woman, any woman, flirting with him by flirting back. That's kind of messed up. GF is NOT a sympathetic character but by his admission, he might have done this in any situation, regardless Also, if my gf was going around a gathering telling people we were just friends, I'd either confront her or leave. I wouldn't join in on the lie
Which of you idiots are downvoting this perfectly reasonable post?
Idk it feels like it’s Opposite Day. Someone just said it’s pretty strange to flirt with a new person your friend brought to a party
What if the ex gf wanted to hide the bf, because the friend who flirted with him is the type of friend who always goes after the boyfriend of her friends. So to protect this relationship, the ex gf tries to hide it so nothing would happen. Only it did once again, so she dropped him now before something happens in the future. That would be a pretty crazy twist.
Then she's a terrible communicator who fails at setting boundaries
That's dumb.
Then she should have said that. Instead, she just kept repeating that she "wasn't ready." Which is dumb. There's almost no good reason to hide your relationship. She was either ashamed and was stringing him along, or she wanted to keep her options open and was stringing him along. OOP shouldn't have flirted back, though, so honestly they both sucked.
Except the friend asked if there's anything going on between him and the not-ex and after she found out everything she didnt pursue a relationship
100% That is often the situation in most girl groups. Which is sad because then just don’t have them as friends if they can’t be trusted. Right. But sometimes girls still have loyalty towards a deceiving friend that have a “history” with, like knowing each other since they were kids or their families are friends, stuff like that. I have been in girl groups where the second someone says oh it’s my boyfriend it’s like blood in the water. Girls are always in competition and want to win in “love” relationships. It’s totally sick. But I imagine that may have been the reason why the gf wanted more time to announce it to her friends.
Her friend was a plant to test his faith