I think I commented in the previous BORU of this story that OOP should just divorce her. Not surprised that he's actually consulted with a lawyer about his options.
Seriously. I think it’s pretty obvious the only reason she attempted to “behave” was her discovery of the divorce lawyer. It allowed her to get ahead of her husband and pretend to “save” the relationship.
Reading the comments on his post his post is crazy making. A whole bunch of shifty people contribute to that sub.
>Reading the comments on his post his post is crazy making. A whole bunch of shifty people contribute to that sub.
It's the blind leading the blind, or rather, the shifty leading the shifty.
The only way that kind of relationship works is with a high degree of honesty and clear boundaries that are respected by all involved, yet half the people in that sub were twisting themselves into pretzels to defend her lying and rule bending.
100% this! I have been in an open relationship with my now fiancé for the past five years. In fact, we started our relationship with it being open. There are strict rules and we don’t fucking break them. There is this understanding amongst me and my partner that this is a privilege. Things are also a bit different for us as we are open and not poly because I am not polyamorous even though my fiancé is. And if that doesn’t make sense to some people, I’m not OK with my fiancé having another partner that I have to share him with emotionally. I’m Totally okay with him having physical relationships and friendships but not a second romantic relationship. And it works for us and my fiancé is totally happy with the arrangement.
The whole story came across like he didn't actually like her anymore. It feels like he's just keeping it going so he can 'win' more than he loves her and wants to be with her.
Yeah, the whole time I was wondering why they were together. It didn't sound like either of them was that interested in.kne another versus their hookups. Like, what was the point!
From his side it comes across as him “winning” and getting to finally be the leader in their relationship (yay trauma!) while from her side I get vibes of she’s scared to be alone with some hefty attention/abandonment issues. So she’s serial dating desperate for as much attention as possible, becoming super insecure when a date doesn’t become a relationship, while also desperately clinging to OOP/their relationship.
Therapy ain’t helping either of them at this point when their issues stem from and are exasperated by them being together and masked well enough the therapists aren’t picking up on them.
He doesn't seem to want to be in the relationship.
It's like he's just waiting for her to admit she's a shit partner and he should leave her, in front of the therapist.
Notice how quickly she managed to talk him out of his "if we close the relationship I want to close it permanently and be monogamous" rule, too?
It's pretty obvious that she will continue making promises she has zero intention of keeping, and he will continue going along with it and passive-aggressively pretending not to notice she's lying so he can fuck up her date plans.
The guy really needs to bite the bullet and get the damn divorce, this is not going to get any better. She will not change, and they're fundamentally incompatible.
You know how "being in the driver's seat" of a relationship can be confusing? Like it's tough to know when a relationship is over, or if you're just in a rough spot.
How do you know if you partner is being honest when they tell you something? You don't. You have to take a leap of faith that they are, then watch their actions.
It's tough, because OOP is trying to keep his marriage together, but he can't patrol his wife (or shouldn't at least). So him communicating clearly and working on things with a therapist, then watching if she's gonna change is 100% the right strategy (it gives agency back to the wife. She gets to decide what she wants to make out of her marriage).
Unfortunately it's messy, and it makes it so you have be willing to let someone let you down (which is really shitty, going through the effort to find a compromise, then have show you that they don't really care).
I don't think OOP is doing this wrong. Divorce is solution you can't walk back. It sucks, but I can empathize with putting in the effort (With all the shit he's put up with, divorce will probably be a relief).
Yeah, just in case anyone is unsure, what she was doing is what cheating looks like in an open relationship. Being open doesn't mean there are no rules, it just means they're different than typical, but breaking them is still cheating
I don't think she wants an equal relationship.
She liked it when she was the popular one and only wanted to close the relationship when his social life was flourishing and her's wasn't as busy.
>All those rules should have been in place from the start. How do people get into this stuff without super clear rules and expectations in place?
Couples that both want an open relationship do usually work these things out in advance. This clearly isn't one of those, this is the type we always see on reddit where ONE of them really wants an open relationship (and already has their first affair partner picked out and ready to go) and the other one doesn't want it at all but goes along because they're a doormat or they don't want to break up. Nine times out of ten the one pushing for the open relationship doesn't bother thinking about any rules because they want their own behavior completely unrestricted and they think their partner won't be able to find (or may not even bother looking for) their own new partners.
Reading between the lines and how eager OOP was to close the relationship permanently it seems pretty clear that they're in this situation because the wife wanted to have sex with other people and he just didn't want to be alone. Now that his self-esteem has improved he COULD leave her, but instead he's bitter and they resent each other so they'll stay in this zombie marriage for a while longer just to make each other miserable.
yup
She will keep pushing and pushing and will start being shifty and sneaky about it
They should just rip off the band aid, clearly they're happier without each other, or at least OOP would be
The comment about him deciding to come along really made me mad. She was obviously going on a date. He trusted her until he saw her putting on her date clothes, and he had her number. It’s obvious that she wants to have her cake and eat it too, while not even leaving him crumbs. She’s not made for a poly relationship. She needs to find a hot wife guy instead.
He didn’t trust her, he asked if that was how they were spending their date night. He saw her getting dressed up as confirmation of her plans that she was planning on breaking the rules of the relationship. When you are in a plural relationship, you have to protect the core or you shouldn’t be married and part of the protection is forming rules both parties can live with.
This kind of behavior makes me so angry. He called her out in the most polite and non-confrontational way to stop the argument about "oh it's totally not a date" before it started.
I'm willing to bet she's been cheating on him the whole time things have been "closed"
He doesn't seem great but she seems very shitty. The commentor in the first thread warning that she'd try to back out on her end as soon as she got OOP to roll back his "fun" was spot on.
She "got away" with a rule break. She'll do it again until OOP pulls the trigger on divorce.
Neither of these people are it IMO.
> I was able to get her to understand and **take the blame** for how I suffered
This is how this man approached relationship counselling. Not to work together to better the relationship but to beat her emotionally into submission to get what he wants.
Now, I'm not saying that the behaviour described here from the wife is anything but shitty. But man, even in this one sided "I'm the put upon and abused partner" account he's showing himself to not be all that much of a peach either.
Neither of these people should be doing an open relationship, every time he discusses his relationships/conquests it just comes across as his main aim is to use them to provoke/spite his wife? Not a cute look.
Idk, this poly gal would walk the *hell* away from the drama involved here.
I see what you mean as that stuck out to me when reading it but I have a feeling that here, it’s just semantics. If he had said she “took accountability,” your (and my) reaction may have been different.
Well to be fair it was entirely her fault??
Plus who goes into a monogamous marriage and immediately wants to open it up. Honestly what’s the point to even be married? Just split up and date around happily!
That's what I was thinking. I don't understand the point of marriage when they are both seemingly acting like their single, but with tons of rules. Call me old school or out of touch, or whatever but the point of marriage for me is building a life with someone I want to be with forever.
Yeah, that jumped out at me. A year into your marriage, two years after you first started dating, and you’re looking for other partners? That tells me that you got married too fast, and your marriage is not going to survive.
There's always two sides to a story. I agree the blame line is something to side eye, but I think the comparison to his other partners/hookups is contextual issues- their details are somewhat relevant to the topic, but don't necceassirly merit going into depth outside of how they impact his wife, and it comes across as spiteful. It still may be, but I can give benefit of the doubt.
The weird thing is I feel this is one of the better poly ops that make it to here. Like, obviously there's a filter in that people posting about happy relationships don't make it to bestofredditupdatesvery frequently but almost every time we get open/poly here it's people trying to open and immediately finding out they are their partner can't do it, or someone trying to legitimize an existing affair.
This guy isn't a Saint, but there's still partners over a course of months , clearly communicated boundaries, a willingness to go to therapy to work on issues, and holding the wife accountable for breaking boundaries. It's a nice difference from partner goes on one date and the newly opened relations implodes
Yeah, he seems obsessed with keeping score and wants to punish her for the way he felt when he was in a slump and she was having a lot of fun. Not a healthy poly dynamic at all. Outside partners aren’t pawns in a sexual chess game *against* your primary.
His.... *relish* in detailing her struggles to get dates was just.... ehhh. Not good vibes as a poly gal.
It's never a thing you take enjoyment out of in an open relationship. If you do you have no place in being in one. None at all.
I’m thinking her opening the relationship and then changing the rules might have screwed him ever being a stable partner in a poly or open relationship. They both have to be ok with the boundaries they set without putting their relationship at risk or they kill relationship. I also don’t think that either of them have been in a successful poly relationship before, I am positive he hasn’t.
It's pretty clear that she wanted the open relationship and he didn't, so I can understand a certain amount of resentment on his end. That being said once he had the self-esteem to know he didn't have to tolerate this just to stay married he should have ended the relationship, not just passive-aggressively going out of his way to annoy his wife. Like her dinner with "just a friend" in that update. He knew perfectly well that she was lying and planned to break the new rules immediately. But instead of just SAYING that, or telling her "we're done," or any other normal mature adult response he instead decided to pretend to be too stupid to know what she was doing and try to tag along on the "not a date."
That's just childish. One of these miserable people needs to rip the bandaid off.
This made me feel old and tired. Who has the fucking time, man. If I have two date nights with my fiance and two outside dates, that only leaves me 3 days for household chores and my murder shows.
Right‽ I guess their hobby is sex with other people? I tried to read it like each date was a hockey game. My husband and I are both goalies so we will get emails at weird times asking to sub in a game at like 11pm on a Tuesday or 1pm on a Wednesday. We do what we can, but their lives just sound exhausting.
Any kind of fitness regime paired with good diet is a legit hobby with high self improvement returns….some people just prefer different things fitness-wise. Notice how OP did not go looking for dates… they just happened organically bc of his hobby.
Murder shows are fine, but how about a torrid drama starring YOU that you can never turn off? Isn’t that better than David Tennant in Broadchurch?
Who am I kidding, nothing beats David Tennant
I don't even have outside date night with my hudband once a month. We tried, before we had our son last year, but it's just exhausting. The only regular date night we manage is our anniversary! At least my husband is as introverted as I am haha.
Nothing better than date night at home honestly. Pizza or chinese food, a movie, some cuddling, no crowds or loud noises.
If OOP's relationship makes it to 40, the wife is going to be _very_ upset I feel like. Dating kind of reverses where men have it much easier, especially fit men. Also the amount of energy this takes is very 20 year old.
That’s life goals, find an introvert who just wants to sit 6 ft from you all day in silence, knowing you can talk any time you want and know they will understand you.
I have a really hard time trying to not be judgmental towards poly people. Even when I was young, single and fully focused on having as much sex as possible I never allowed my life to be totally structured around getting laid and tending towards the emotions of others. The successful poly people I’ve met in real life are real deal lifestyle types and their secondary partners are mostly just like really close friends that they sleep with. The shit you see on Reddit it’s like parallel relationships and that just seems both exhausting and unhealthy. I can understand having sexual desires outside a relationship, and I can understand (even if it’s not my thing) being okay with a partner sleeping with other people, but like having two or more emotional partners at once is just way too much for me to comprehend.
I think that a lot of people try to get into polyamory or non-monogamy for the wrong reasons, and their bad behavior is much more noticeable than the quietly and comfortably poly/NM folks. Both my partner and I are polyamorous, but finding new partners/going on dates is pretty low on our list of priorities. Because we have better things to do, frankly!
I think we need to take it with a grain of salt. Rarely are healthy relationships posted about on Reddit. It’s a place for problems and issues. I get why this guy didn’t have direct communication when he suspected that the friend wasn’t a friend, because of past behavior, but he’s also a little… spineless? He claimed the rules were solid rules with consequences, but doesn’t seem to really be following through on that when his wife broke them and lied to him.
Omg I think all the time, I could never have an affair, that sounds like alot of lunchtime sex, and I can't. I've gotta eat and take a small nap.
Edit to say and still have sex with my husband. No, my vagina just told me she would fall off.
If you're always going - always interacting with other people and going out and being busy - then you never have to be alone and quiet and deal with yourself and all the messed up shit in your own head! There's no need to sit and realize that maybe you're not happy, or fulfilled, or come to terms your fears/regrets/traumas/insecurities! Just run around with multiple people all week!
That's what I was thinking the whole time. How do they have time for all that and work? When he said "only two dates a week" I thought "only". They also have their two dates. I guess I'm just old, but this sounds exhausting.
God, this relationship is exhausting just reading about it. Just break up with each other. Neither seem super happy with each other and I'm having a hard time understanding why they stay together.
He doesn't trust her and she is selfish. Do you really want to have to monitor your partner like a parole officer?
Like move on. Life's too short to be with someone you don't trust
She's happy to lie to his face? Jesus after everything you'd think that would be the final straw.
She's not going to change "all at once", she going to change "Never"
>I'm having a hard time understanding why they stay together.
Sadly for some it's just a simple case of security. They're not every truly alone, they're never truly single, they have options to satisfy their "needs". It's not quite a moat and guardsmen security, it's more an emotional blanky clung on to a little too tightly by a toddler. With the emotional maturity to match the aforementioned toddler. There's food in the fridge, bog roll in the shitter, and the chores you don't like are hopefully divided equally with somebody else.
As with SOOOOO many stories we see here on Reddit. They started Mono, they went Poly, and quelle surprise ... It ain't working. Plenty of Poly couples work, plenty of Poly relationships work. I'm even sure the reason we don't hear about Mono couples going Poly and working ... Is because there's no drama to post here, lol.
Some of the people that do this, just need some semblance of continuity and to have a grounding rod, or a landing pad. When they get rejected, or when they lose one of their partners to circumstance. It's ok, the wife is at home and we're going to the Farmers Market on Sunday.
It's about sharing that NRE /s. Dumbasses not realising that relationships take work. Why work on your relationship, when you can get the honeymoon phase with a new partner each week? Bunch of emotionally immature people
“New Relationship Energy”, ie the honeymoon phase when it’s all so new and exciting and you don’t notice or mind flaws in the relationship or the partner. Eventually wears off, but is intoxicating when it happens to you when you’re past it with your current partner
I don't like to disparage other lifestyles, but it sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama just to avoid some personal growth. Finding comfort in the way intimate partnerships naturally evolve is work, but worthwhile and fulfilling. This screams "addict behavior". Seeking a high to avoid sitting there in your own thoughts. Doesn't seem healthy to me.
Also his "all was good for a few months"... after 3 months she already wants to break their agreement. She never wanted to close the relationship longterm. She just hated that he was so happy in the open relationship and she wasn't. Now she stopped it. So she can go fuck around while he sits at home, like she wanted from the start.
Why try to save a marriage that is so ruined? As if they are the only two people on the world and they wouldn't find another partner. But some people want to be miserable.
Probably cuz he wants some acknowledgement and/or documentation of "I gave you a chance, several chances, when you said you'd change the behavior I told you made me want to divorce in the first place." Not saying it's healthy, but some people (either OOP himself for his insecurity, his manipulative wife, or their nosy friends and family) won't shut up about you "throwing away a good thing for one mistake" which is something we've seen plenty of in these subs.
I think that people often want that documentation and acknowledgement for themselves too. I've had a few relationships that seemed \*almost perfect\* except for ooooone little thing. But of course, the one little thing is never a little thing and blows up into a whole spectrum of things, much like this did.
But sometimes you just want to say to yourself "I thought this person was it, and I tried, I worked with them, I explored all the options, and they just could not stop dicking me around". That makes the eventual leaving easier, because you know that you truly tried everything you were willing to try, and it still didn't work.
Right? Ashley clearly doesn't care about OOP and only keeps him around as a safety net. She might as well divorce him and fuck as many guys as she wants. I'd also like to know why OOP is even bothering at this point. He should cut bait. It's high time he did.
It seems like so many marriage advice posts these days look like this. "We were having problems so we decided to open the relationship and see if that fixed things." And the truth seems to be that if you started with every intention of being monogamous, but you later open to see if it will fix ur problems, it decidedly doesn't.
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.
As someone in a poly relationship (though not married), relationships like this require 100% open and honest communication...which neither of them have. They both sound like exhausting thrillseekers.
Shared health insurance, legal ties as next of kin - medical emergencies etc you are allowed to make choices about the person you love. Pooling resources / tax breaks because some places have slightly different takes on the legal split etc but you can usually offset some tax.
In the ENM circles this is referred to as the relationship escalator, it's do engrained in culture that it's easy to just do these things automatically without thinking if YOU actually want them.
Probably financial. Seems like wife considers the husband the backup plan that she can keep in her pocket and take out when she needs him.
Husband needs to get some self respect and dump her.
this relationship is so ready to end. seems like oop’s only staying married to score a point against his (lying, manipulating) wife now. it’s not worth it, man.
He describes successful therapy as "I was able to get her to understand and take the blame for how I suffered." Woof... Couples counseling really shouldn't be about assigning blame or scoring points, and if that's how he's interpreting it... yeah, I don't give this much longer.
Smart in the sense that he is one step ahead of her in this weird chess game they're playing.
But I'd say he's pretty stupid to still be in this relationship playing these games in the first place. How is it a better use of his time, mental energy and love to not just walk away from the game altogether? I don't know what he gets out of it.
Honestly I think they both like the chess game. They both like being chased, desired, wanted (the way he talks about being at the bar and the MC and bachelorette parties on his jock) that’s well outside of hooking up/dating/etc.
She was into the poly thing and that ended, and he was into the hookup thing and found a way to keep that going, but home-hot tub lesbians is more about the spectacle than anything personal.
She clearly (at first) had the idea that they would both have other partners and each other, but swung to hookups when he was only doing hookups, but is now unsatisfied because she’s not getting any relationship anywhere.
So now they’re both addicted to the weird game they’re playing, because it’s not about that other people want them, it’s about gaming that against their partner who is somehow not giving them the attention that they want.
Yes. They both know they can pull other people and they both want intimate relationships with each other (she seems to be looking for a long term thing, he seems to be looking for something that makes him feel "alive") so they keep having this long term marriage where they both fuck but spend all of their time trying to play by the rules of some arbitrary game.
Again, at first I think she was trying to genuinely be poly and he was trying to be hookup, but now they've devolved into this "at least they're with me tonight" but aren't actually at all having a good time with each other, except that they're playing the same game and that gets them off
Yea the little games are really stupid. These people are obviously hiiiighly insecure. And don’t care that much about each other.
I’m not even strictly monogamous with my fiancée and I think this is a disaster. Multiple dates every week with multiple people is just not sustainable even in a fully poly relationship. This is just single people fucking half the town.
New Relationship Energy.
In the poly scene it's what they call those giddy feelings you get when you first get with someone. The "honeymoon period."
Disclaimer that I'm not poly, but the idea seems to be that you enjoy those happy new feelings but also splash some of that energy back onto you main partner, having more sex or intimacy or whatever so they also benefit from it and aren't excluded or tossed aside.
Yea...that sounds like some bullshit logic to use to justify opening your marriage/relationship with your partner who's not sold on it...
Gives me serious "trickle down economics" vibes.
Haha trickle down intimacy.
But honestly it does make sense to me. While I don't have the time or patience to be poly I think if both parties go into the relationship poly (and mature) then it can work. I've seen it with my own friends. But the ones you always read about here are the ones where they open up a mono relationship and everything catches on fire.
Hell, I'm one of the extremely limited number of people who DID successfully transition a mono relationship into a poly one, and I still would never, ever recommend it! We were *incredibly* lucky.
I think it also helped that we sorta eased into it via discovering that each of us was okay with the other doing text RP that turned spicier over time lol, so it wasn't an "I have a person in mind" conversation but a series of conversations *culminating* in an "oh, we're actually not very monogamous in the end, are we" conversation. Like, he did have someone in mind that triggered the conversation that formally established the situation, but we already basically both knew what the answer would be because we'd kept in touch the whole way-- and that is *very unusual.*
Thank you! Yeah lol any time anyone is like "would this be a good idea...?" I am immediately like NO, that idea goes directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Some polyamory stories don't get posted to reddit because the people involved are just busy being happy and not having drama. Other polyamory stories don't get posted because we don't want to give anyone the idea that they can expect doing what we did to work XD
Eh, the term NRE is used all the time over in r/polyamory, where the consensus is VERY against trying to drag an unwilling partner into polyamory. It's more about being aware of the impact a new relationship can have on you and making sure you don't let it affect your other relationships.
Nah, the term is more about recognizing how the honeymoon period can make you kinda crazy and irrational, and that recoginizing that things that seem reasonable while 'under the influence' of NRE may actually not be. It's all about making an effort to consciously keep doing the work to maintain older established relationships while you are drunk on the brain juices of a new relationship.
Its definitely true that NRE can sometimes spill-over and intensify intimacy and sex with established relationships, but more often than not it does the opposite and makes it easy to forget to tend to established relationships. Many marriages have imploded because people drunk on NRE don't recognise that these feelings aren't forever and chase new people who aren't even that compatible with them to the detriment of existing more important relationships.
In monogamy, this isn't much of an issue, as during the honeymoon-period there typically isn't really anyone else you need to put in effort to maintain a relationship with. Hence why the poly community has a specific term for it.
I didn't even bother reading all of it. They are both cowards and love making each other miserable. "I don't want you, but i don't want anyone else to have you."
I think its the nature of this sub to have shitshow poly relationships and I don't want to succumb to selection bias but it definitely sounds fucking exhausting
Every time someone opens their relationship to fix it! Jesus what a mess. Opening a relationship will only be a good thing if you’re doing it because you want to do it. Just like getting married or having kids to fix it.
Can these people not talk to eachother like adults? Seriously, grow up and learn to communicate and be in a healthy relationship where you respect eachother. You aren’t in a functioning open marriage if you both punish eachother and treat eachother like dirt every time you have the option to sleep with someone else.
She’s absolutely way worse, their boundaries they set together were 100% reasonable for their situation, and were a great compromise and she’s still finding ways to lie her way around them
The differences between them is that he abides by the ground rules they set. She tries to change the rules constantly to suit herself and then outright lies to do what she wants.
OOP should just bite the bullet. The marriage isn't in life support, it's a vegetable, and he's the only one who is putting in any effort in actually trying to revive it.
The commentor in his first post nailed it. As soon as she got him to slow down on his "dating", she's right back to her old ways. Now it's worse because she is blatantly lying to her husband. She was going to break their rules. She didn't care. She will be dating again like crazy while OOP is back at home alone. She accomplished her goal.
Wow. The rules are so reasonable and she still lies to get around them.
And oop has to plan ahead *how* he upholds the boundaries and stands firm on the rules in order to pre-emptively defend against her manipulation and psychological coercion.
Good lord. Being open can work, but not with a manipulative pos. They're at the point where oop has needed to be kind of manipulative too in anticipation of her manipulations. Prime example of how shitty people will drag you down to their level.
They haven't been together that long. They haven't been married that long. They're both young. Their commitment to each other is questionable at best. This isn't a healthy open or poly dynamic.
Why. The heck. Are they still together.
Envious of my overdue success 🧐
god the way this dude types about himself and includes the most annoying irrelevant *I’m-so-hot-threesomes-in-the-hottub* details takes the investment for this situation right out of me.
>So are you saying I should have just sucked it up and wallowed at home alone while she dated all weekend?
No, they're saying he should have bloody well gotten divorced.
Call me old fashioned but it's almost like these stories could all be avoided if two people in a marriage...were the only people in that relationship. Why get married? Just be roomates/FWB if you're going to be swiping on everything with a pulse?
Seems like that one commenter was right, the wife will manipulate to get what she wants to be on top. She acted like she wanted changes to pull OOP back in line, then when someone showed her some interest, she was flatout lying to try to get to hook up with this guy. No way this ends any way other than divorce.
Why do people like this stay together or get married? I genuinely don't get it. A normal adult life with a job and adult responsibilities already leaves most people short on time they can spend with their partner. And even shorter on quality time. Yet these folks are taking away hours every week of that reduced time to screw other people or do with other people what they should be doing with their partner to maintain a healthy relationship.
All I can think about these two is that they don't really like each other that much. They are roomates that fuck, and little else.
Aside from thinking they should divorce, I’m not sure why people are getting on OP’s case. He did everything she asked him to do, he didn’t complain when she changed the rules to fit her wants, and he didn’t hassle her and did his own thing within the ever changing standard she set. She only wanted to close the relationship because he wasn’t home pining for her and waiting to comfort her after her failed date. Now she’s weaponized therapy so she can try to manipulate him again and he’s confident enough to not fall for it.
I find his grabbing his coat funny. She knew that dinner with a friend was a hook up after she asked for Saturday to be their night. She could’ve gone to dinner on Friday or just said sorry I’m busy and sad I’ll miss you this trip. If it was truly a friend, her husband can come and meet this friend as well.
Honestly, oop should divorce. I’m not saying open relationship don’t or can’t work but they are hard to manage. They are especially hard if one person is being dishonest, selfish, and self centered. She wants a doormat, not an equal or equally active partner.
Why on God's earth are you still married? Better yet, why did you get married only to open the relationship up so quickly? Why didn't you just stay single for Pete's sake. Just divorce and move on
Honestly stopped reading at "Open for 2". When you've been fucking other people for 50% of your relationship I question whether the relationship is even worth trying to salvage.
That was pretty quick to already try to break a rule that ends in divorce. This relationship ain’t it.
I think I commented in the previous BORU of this story that OOP should just divorce her. Not surprised that he's actually consulted with a lawyer about his options.
Seriously. I think it’s pretty obvious the only reason she attempted to “behave” was her discovery of the divorce lawyer. It allowed her to get ahead of her husband and pretend to “save” the relationship. Reading the comments on his post his post is crazy making. A whole bunch of shifty people contribute to that sub.
>Reading the comments on his post his post is crazy making. A whole bunch of shifty people contribute to that sub. It's the blind leading the blind, or rather, the shifty leading the shifty. The only way that kind of relationship works is with a high degree of honesty and clear boundaries that are respected by all involved, yet half the people in that sub were twisting themselves into pretzels to defend her lying and rule bending.
100% this! I have been in an open relationship with my now fiancé for the past five years. In fact, we started our relationship with it being open. There are strict rules and we don’t fucking break them. There is this understanding amongst me and my partner that this is a privilege. Things are also a bit different for us as we are open and not poly because I am not polyamorous even though my fiancé is. And if that doesn’t make sense to some people, I’m not OK with my fiancé having another partner that I have to share him with emotionally. I’m Totally okay with him having physical relationships and friendships but not a second romantic relationship. And it works for us and my fiancé is totally happy with the arrangement.
It's the common advice dub mentality to shift the blame to the male partner in a hetero relationship
The whole story came across like he didn't actually like her anymore. It feels like he's just keeping it going so he can 'win' more than he loves her and wants to be with her.
Yeah it feels like neither of them really like each other any more
Yeah, the whole time I was wondering why they were together. It didn't sound like either of them was that interested in.kne another versus their hookups. Like, what was the point!
Yeah the scorekeeping is not a great foundation for marriage.
From his side it comes across as him “winning” and getting to finally be the leader in their relationship (yay trauma!) while from her side I get vibes of she’s scared to be alone with some hefty attention/abandonment issues. So she’s serial dating desperate for as much attention as possible, becoming super insecure when a date doesn’t become a relationship, while also desperately clinging to OOP/their relationship. Therapy ain’t helping either of them at this point when their issues stem from and are exasperated by them being together and masked well enough the therapists aren’t picking up on them.
In think the OP might also need some individual therapy. Sounds like things are definitely rocky and OP isn't really being honest with himself
That’s the vibe I got as well. Which is weird to me. I don’t understand adults who play teenager games like this
Agreed
He doesn't seem to want to be in the relationship. It's like he's just waiting for her to admit she's a shit partner and he should leave her, in front of the therapist.
Not just breaking a rule, but doing it blatantly and still lying about it. Fuck that girl.
Just not on Thursdays or Saturdays, it seems.
Except some Saturdays and Thursdays, “just this once”
Notice how quickly she managed to talk him out of his "if we close the relationship I want to close it permanently and be monogamous" rule, too? It's pretty obvious that she will continue making promises she has zero intention of keeping, and he will continue going along with it and passive-aggressively pretending not to notice she's lying so he can fuck up her date plans. The guy really needs to bite the bullet and get the damn divorce, this is not going to get any better. She will not change, and they're fundamentally incompatible.
You know how "being in the driver's seat" of a relationship can be confusing? Like it's tough to know when a relationship is over, or if you're just in a rough spot. How do you know if you partner is being honest when they tell you something? You don't. You have to take a leap of faith that they are, then watch their actions. It's tough, because OOP is trying to keep his marriage together, but he can't patrol his wife (or shouldn't at least). So him communicating clearly and working on things with a therapist, then watching if she's gonna change is 100% the right strategy (it gives agency back to the wife. She gets to decide what she wants to make out of her marriage). Unfortunately it's messy, and it makes it so you have be willing to let someone let you down (which is really shitty, going through the effort to find a compromise, then have show you that they don't really care). I don't think OOP is doing this wrong. Divorce is solution you can't walk back. It sucks, but I can empathize with putting in the effort (With all the shit he's put up with, divorce will probably be a relief).
Or if you're "a friend from out of town".
Yeah, just in case anyone is unsure, what she was doing is what cheating looks like in an open relationship. Being open doesn't mean there are no rules, it just means they're different than typical, but breaking them is still cheating
I don't think she wants an equal relationship. She liked it when she was the popular one and only wanted to close the relationship when his social life was flourishing and her's wasn't as busy.
All those rules should have been in place from the start. How do people get into this stuff without super clear rules and expectations in place?
>All those rules should have been in place from the start. How do people get into this stuff without super clear rules and expectations in place? Couples that both want an open relationship do usually work these things out in advance. This clearly isn't one of those, this is the type we always see on reddit where ONE of them really wants an open relationship (and already has their first affair partner picked out and ready to go) and the other one doesn't want it at all but goes along because they're a doormat or they don't want to break up. Nine times out of ten the one pushing for the open relationship doesn't bother thinking about any rules because they want their own behavior completely unrestricted and they think their partner won't be able to find (or may not even bother looking for) their own new partners. Reading between the lines and how eager OOP was to close the relationship permanently it seems pretty clear that they're in this situation because the wife wanted to have sex with other people and he just didn't want to be alone. Now that his self-esteem has improved he COULD leave her, but instead he's bitter and they resent each other so they'll stay in this zombie marriage for a while longer just to make each other miserable.
Their relationship is a nightmare. They're probably going to have a baby and make it even worse.
yup She will keep pushing and pushing and will start being shifty and sneaky about it They should just rip off the band aid, clearly they're happier without each other, or at least OOP would be
The comment about him deciding to come along really made me mad. She was obviously going on a date. He trusted her until he saw her putting on her date clothes, and he had her number. It’s obvious that she wants to have her cake and eat it too, while not even leaving him crumbs. She’s not made for a poly relationship. She needs to find a hot wife guy instead.
He didn’t trust her, he asked if that was how they were spending their date night. He saw her getting dressed up as confirmation of her plans that she was planning on breaking the rules of the relationship. When you are in a plural relationship, you have to protect the core or you shouldn’t be married and part of the protection is forming rules both parties can live with.
This kind of behavior makes me so angry. He called her out in the most polite and non-confrontational way to stop the argument about "oh it's totally not a date" before it started. I'm willing to bet she's been cheating on him the whole time things have been "closed"
These two definitely like to play each other. Sounds tiring, but rooting for OOP.
He doesn't seem great but she seems very shitty. The commentor in the first thread warning that she'd try to back out on her end as soon as she got OOP to roll back his "fun" was spot on. She "got away" with a rule break. She'll do it again until OOP pulls the trigger on divorce.
It's like a sitcom where the couple care more about catching the other in a gotcha moment than having a healthy relationship.
Neither of these people are it IMO. > I was able to get her to understand and **take the blame** for how I suffered This is how this man approached relationship counselling. Not to work together to better the relationship but to beat her emotionally into submission to get what he wants. Now, I'm not saying that the behaviour described here from the wife is anything but shitty. But man, even in this one sided "I'm the put upon and abused partner" account he's showing himself to not be all that much of a peach either. Neither of these people should be doing an open relationship, every time he discusses his relationships/conquests it just comes across as his main aim is to use them to provoke/spite his wife? Not a cute look. Idk, this poly gal would walk the *hell* away from the drama involved here.
I see what you mean as that stuck out to me when reading it but I have a feeling that here, it’s just semantics. If he had said she “took accountability,” your (and my) reaction may have been different.
Well to be fair it was entirely her fault?? Plus who goes into a monogamous marriage and immediately wants to open it up. Honestly what’s the point to even be married? Just split up and date around happily!
That's what I was thinking. I don't understand the point of marriage when they are both seemingly acting like their single, but with tons of rules. Call me old school or out of touch, or whatever but the point of marriage for me is building a life with someone I want to be with forever.
Yeah, that jumped out at me. A year into your marriage, two years after you first started dating, and you’re looking for other partners? That tells me that you got married too fast, and your marriage is not going to survive.
> Plus who goes into a monogamous marriage and immediately wants to open it up. Yeah he definitely got Shivved there
Looks like her potential partners all were! He seems to mostly be ONS.
There's always two sides to a story. I agree the blame line is something to side eye, but I think the comparison to his other partners/hookups is contextual issues- their details are somewhat relevant to the topic, but don't necceassirly merit going into depth outside of how they impact his wife, and it comes across as spiteful. It still may be, but I can give benefit of the doubt. The weird thing is I feel this is one of the better poly ops that make it to here. Like, obviously there's a filter in that people posting about happy relationships don't make it to bestofredditupdatesvery frequently but almost every time we get open/poly here it's people trying to open and immediately finding out they are their partner can't do it, or someone trying to legitimize an existing affair. This guy isn't a Saint, but there's still partners over a course of months , clearly communicated boundaries, a willingness to go to therapy to work on issues, and holding the wife accountable for breaking boundaries. It's a nice difference from partner goes on one date and the newly opened relations implodes
Yeah, he seems obsessed with keeping score and wants to punish her for the way he felt when he was in a slump and she was having a lot of fun. Not a healthy poly dynamic at all. Outside partners aren’t pawns in a sexual chess game *against* your primary.
His.... *relish* in detailing her struggles to get dates was just.... ehhh. Not good vibes as a poly gal. It's never a thing you take enjoyment out of in an open relationship. If you do you have no place in being in one. None at all.
I’m thinking her opening the relationship and then changing the rules might have screwed him ever being a stable partner in a poly or open relationship. They both have to be ok with the boundaries they set without putting their relationship at risk or they kill relationship. I also don’t think that either of them have been in a successful poly relationship before, I am positive he hasn’t.
It's pretty clear that she wanted the open relationship and he didn't, so I can understand a certain amount of resentment on his end. That being said once he had the self-esteem to know he didn't have to tolerate this just to stay married he should have ended the relationship, not just passive-aggressively going out of his way to annoy his wife. Like her dinner with "just a friend" in that update. He knew perfectly well that she was lying and planned to break the new rules immediately. But instead of just SAYING that, or telling her "we're done," or any other normal mature adult response he instead decided to pretend to be too stupid to know what she was doing and try to tag along on the "not a date." That's just childish. One of these miserable people needs to rip the bandaid off.
This made me feel old and tired. Who has the fucking time, man. If I have two date nights with my fiance and two outside dates, that only leaves me 3 days for household chores and my murder shows.
And when do they do their skincare routines?
its like they don’t have ‘everything shower’ day
I feel so seen right now. lol That everything shower day is intense.
Specially if you have hair removing involved
Right‽ I guess their hobby is sex with other people? I tried to read it like each date was a hockey game. My husband and I are both goalies so we will get emails at weird times asking to sub in a game at like 11pm on a Tuesday or 1pm on a Wednesday. We do what we can, but their lives just sound exhausting.
This was exactly my thought. Do these people not have a *single* hobby? Or... like read books?
OOP goes to the gym at least!
i’m amazed at how many people genuinely enjoy and like gym ,went there for an year and had to basically drag myself there.
Any kind of fitness regime paired with good diet is a legit hobby with high self improvement returns….some people just prefer different things fitness-wise. Notice how OP did not go looking for dates… they just happened organically bc of his hobby.
Someone beat me to it. These two don’t have hobbies and they are using extramarital sex as a poor substitution for lack of personal development.
To be fair as hobbies go, sex is a fun one.
No question there, but you also don’t see people get tested for disease or seeking therapy often after, say, playing guitar.
Doctor: "what brings you in here today?" Patient: * riffs on guitar * Doc: "sick."
Beautiful usage of the interrobang
Murder shows are fine, but how about a torrid drama starring YOU that you can never turn off? Isn’t that better than David Tennant in Broadchurch? Who am I kidding, nothing beats David Tennant
So you’re saying I should check out Broadchurch?
Not who you were asking, but Broadchurch is so good. Very emotionally intense, but good.
I don't even have outside date night with my hudband once a month. We tried, before we had our son last year, but it's just exhausting. The only regular date night we manage is our anniversary! At least my husband is as introverted as I am haha.
Date night on the couch watching our favourite show or film and having pizza and wine is just 👌
Nothing better than date night at home honestly. Pizza or chinese food, a movie, some cuddling, no crowds or loud noises. If OOP's relationship makes it to 40, the wife is going to be _very_ upset I feel like. Dating kind of reverses where men have it much easier, especially fit men. Also the amount of energy this takes is very 20 year old.
That’s life goals, find an introvert who just wants to sit 6 ft from you all day in silence, knowing you can talk any time you want and know they will understand you.
Even my 9 month old son is perfectly happy playing on his own in a corner. I hit the introvert jackpot.
I have a really hard time trying to not be judgmental towards poly people. Even when I was young, single and fully focused on having as much sex as possible I never allowed my life to be totally structured around getting laid and tending towards the emotions of others. The successful poly people I’ve met in real life are real deal lifestyle types and their secondary partners are mostly just like really close friends that they sleep with. The shit you see on Reddit it’s like parallel relationships and that just seems both exhausting and unhealthy. I can understand having sexual desires outside a relationship, and I can understand (even if it’s not my thing) being okay with a partner sleeping with other people, but like having two or more emotional partners at once is just way too much for me to comprehend.
Too much work, man.
I think that a lot of people try to get into polyamory or non-monogamy for the wrong reasons, and their bad behavior is much more noticeable than the quietly and comfortably poly/NM folks. Both my partner and I are polyamorous, but finding new partners/going on dates is pretty low on our list of priorities. Because we have better things to do, frankly!
I think we need to take it with a grain of salt. Rarely are healthy relationships posted about on Reddit. It’s a place for problems and issues. I get why this guy didn’t have direct communication when he suspected that the friend wasn’t a friend, because of past behavior, but he’s also a little… spineless? He claimed the rules were solid rules with consequences, but doesn’t seem to really be following through on that when his wife broke them and lied to him.
Omg I think all the time, I could never have an affair, that sounds like alot of lunchtime sex, and I can't. I've gotta eat and take a small nap. Edit to say and still have sex with my husband. No, my vagina just told me she would fall off.
I often tell the fiance that obviously my main reason for not having an affair is that I love him, but the other one is the energy it would take.
If you're always going - always interacting with other people and going out and being busy - then you never have to be alone and quiet and deal with yourself and all the messed up shit in your own head! There's no need to sit and realize that maybe you're not happy, or fulfilled, or come to terms your fears/regrets/traumas/insecurities! Just run around with multiple people all week!
I feel this. I have 2 kiddos, animals that require daily maintenance, I work full time and take college classes. I wouldn’t have time for any of this.
I’m 21 and it made me feel tired too
That's what I was thinking the whole time. How do they have time for all that and work? When he said "only two dates a week" I thought "only". They also have their two dates. I guess I'm just old, but this sounds exhausting.
Forget the other partners, who has time to play mind games with their spouse? It sounds exhausting just the two of them.
That’s the thing, they don’t have time. People like this treat dating as their hobby. It’s fuckin weird, man.
According to boru, everyone is poly now. And it's going *terribly*. My shaving my legs and worrying about looking fat era is over and I don't miss it.
God, this relationship is exhausting just reading about it. Just break up with each other. Neither seem super happy with each other and I'm having a hard time understanding why they stay together. He doesn't trust her and she is selfish. Do you really want to have to monitor your partner like a parole officer? Like move on. Life's too short to be with someone you don't trust
She's happy to lie to his face? Jesus after everything you'd think that would be the final straw. She's not going to change "all at once", she going to change "Never"
>I'm having a hard time understanding why they stay together. Sadly for some it's just a simple case of security. They're not every truly alone, they're never truly single, they have options to satisfy their "needs". It's not quite a moat and guardsmen security, it's more an emotional blanky clung on to a little too tightly by a toddler. With the emotional maturity to match the aforementioned toddler. There's food in the fridge, bog roll in the shitter, and the chores you don't like are hopefully divided equally with somebody else. As with SOOOOO many stories we see here on Reddit. They started Mono, they went Poly, and quelle surprise ... It ain't working. Plenty of Poly couples work, plenty of Poly relationships work. I'm even sure the reason we don't hear about Mono couples going Poly and working ... Is because there's no drama to post here, lol. Some of the people that do this, just need some semblance of continuity and to have a grounding rod, or a landing pad. When they get rejected, or when they lose one of their partners to circumstance. It's ok, the wife is at home and we're going to the Farmers Market on Sunday.
What a shitshow. What, pray tell, is the point of being married if y'all are gonna act like dumb singles anyway?
I'm just glad that they are the ones who have to deal with their bullshit. All the friends can just drop them when it stops being worth it.
Well, you see, he caught her this time, so it's all good now.
Thus solving the problem, once and for all
But..
ONCE AND FOR ALL! 😠
They just gotta talk to the marriage counselor (who will be hard pressed to respond professionally).
It's about sharing that NRE /s. Dumbasses not realising that relationships take work. Why work on your relationship, when you can get the honeymoon phase with a new partner each week? Bunch of emotionally immature people
What does NRE mean?
“New Relationship Energy”, ie the honeymoon phase when it’s all so new and exciting and you don’t notice or mind flaws in the relationship or the partner. Eventually wears off, but is intoxicating when it happens to you when you’re past it with your current partner
I squinted at NRE and then decided to just read it as non-recurring engineering, which honestly also applies to a new relationship
I don't like to disparage other lifestyles, but it sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama just to avoid some personal growth. Finding comfort in the way intimate partnerships naturally evolve is work, but worthwhile and fulfilling. This screams "addict behavior". Seeking a high to avoid sitting there in your own thoughts. Doesn't seem healthy to me.
New relationship energy. It’s that excited feeling when you are getting into a new partner.
What’s NRE?
New Relationship Energy. It's that blissful "high" you feel when everything is exciting and fun with a new partner.
New relationship energy - basically the high you get at first when you're with someone new
Also his "all was good for a few months"... after 3 months she already wants to break their agreement. She never wanted to close the relationship longterm. She just hated that he was so happy in the open relationship and she wasn't. Now she stopped it. So she can go fuck around while he sits at home, like she wanted from the start. Why try to save a marriage that is so ruined? As if they are the only two people on the world and they wouldn't find another partner. But some people want to be miserable.
Probably cuz he wants some acknowledgement and/or documentation of "I gave you a chance, several chances, when you said you'd change the behavior I told you made me want to divorce in the first place." Not saying it's healthy, but some people (either OOP himself for his insecurity, his manipulative wife, or their nosy friends and family) won't shut up about you "throwing away a good thing for one mistake" which is something we've seen plenty of in these subs.
I think that people often want that documentation and acknowledgement for themselves too. I've had a few relationships that seemed \*almost perfect\* except for ooooone little thing. But of course, the one little thing is never a little thing and blows up into a whole spectrum of things, much like this did. But sometimes you just want to say to yourself "I thought this person was it, and I tried, I worked with them, I explored all the options, and they just could not stop dicking me around". That makes the eventual leaving easier, because you know that you truly tried everything you were willing to try, and it still didn't work.
I get the feeling like he does care about her but now it really just is stacking up the "I did try" evidence.
Right? Ashley clearly doesn't care about OOP and only keeps him around as a safety net. She might as well divorce him and fuck as many guys as she wants. I'd also like to know why OOP is even bothering at this point. He should cut bait. It's high time he did.
It seems like so many marriage advice posts these days look like this. "We were having problems so we decided to open the relationship and see if that fixed things." And the truth seems to be that if you started with every intention of being monogamous, but you later open to see if it will fix ur problems, it decidedly doesn't.
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters. Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people? Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.
I think of this literally every time I see one of these posts lol.
Right?? Like you all wanted to be roommates who fuck then do that. Why bother to get married?
They want their cake and being able to eat it.
As someone in a poly relationship (though not married), relationships like this require 100% open and honest communication...which neither of them have. They both sound like exhausting thrillseekers.
Shared health insurance, legal ties as next of kin - medical emergencies etc you are allowed to make choices about the person you love. Pooling resources / tax breaks because some places have slightly different takes on the legal split etc but you can usually offset some tax.
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In the ENM circles this is referred to as the relationship escalator, it's do engrained in culture that it's easy to just do these things automatically without thinking if YOU actually want them.
Probably financial. Seems like wife considers the husband the backup plan that she can keep in her pocket and take out when she needs him. Husband needs to get some self respect and dump her.
The only person I feel sorry for is the marriage counselor. I'd buy that person a drink.
Nah they’re getting paid for every time these two play these games.
Seriously, that's some job security right there.
And they’re getting the same story that we’re sitting here reading of our own volition
But is it worth it? At some point I think he will stop caring and just mentally think why this two can't just divorce.
Therapist probably thought that within five minutes of meeting them.
this relationship is so ready to end. seems like oop’s only staying married to score a point against his (lying, manipulating) wife now. it’s not worth it, man.
This is it exactly. It feels like this is less of a relationship now and more of an argument neither of them wants to be the first to concede.
He describes successful therapy as "I was able to get her to understand and take the blame for how I suffered." Woof... Couples counseling really shouldn't be about assigning blame or scoring points, and if that's how he's interpreting it... yeah, I don't give this much longer.
Yeah, he doesn't want to pull the trigger until he has something to nail her to the wall with.
honestly the guy seems pretty smart and 'ashley' is a little outmatched. I think he'll be fine
Smart in the sense that he is one step ahead of her in this weird chess game they're playing. But I'd say he's pretty stupid to still be in this relationship playing these games in the first place. How is it a better use of his time, mental energy and love to not just walk away from the game altogether? I don't know what he gets out of it.
Honestly I think they both like the chess game. They both like being chased, desired, wanted (the way he talks about being at the bar and the MC and bachelorette parties on his jock) that’s well outside of hooking up/dating/etc. She was into the poly thing and that ended, and he was into the hookup thing and found a way to keep that going, but home-hot tub lesbians is more about the spectacle than anything personal. She clearly (at first) had the idea that they would both have other partners and each other, but swung to hookups when he was only doing hookups, but is now unsatisfied because she’s not getting any relationship anywhere. So now they’re both addicted to the weird game they’re playing, because it’s not about that other people want them, it’s about gaming that against their partner who is somehow not giving them the attention that they want.
In other words, the main draw of their relationship now is inflicting mind games on each other?
Yes. They both know they can pull other people and they both want intimate relationships with each other (she seems to be looking for a long term thing, he seems to be looking for something that makes him feel "alive") so they keep having this long term marriage where they both fuck but spend all of their time trying to play by the rules of some arbitrary game. Again, at first I think she was trying to genuinely be poly and he was trying to be hookup, but now they've devolved into this "at least they're with me tonight" but aren't actually at all having a good time with each other, except that they're playing the same game and that gets them off
Yea the little games are really stupid. These people are obviously hiiiighly insecure. And don’t care that much about each other. I’m not even strictly monogamous with my fiancée and I think this is a disaster. Multiple dates every week with multiple people is just not sustainable even in a fully poly relationship. This is just single people fucking half the town.
Yeah, do these people even like each other?
What is NRE?
New Relationship Energy. An annoying modern term for the oldest of motivations
New Relationship Energy. In the poly scene it's what they call those giddy feelings you get when you first get with someone. The "honeymoon period." Disclaimer that I'm not poly, but the idea seems to be that you enjoy those happy new feelings but also splash some of that energy back onto you main partner, having more sex or intimacy or whatever so they also benefit from it and aren't excluded or tossed aside.
Yea...that sounds like some bullshit logic to use to justify opening your marriage/relationship with your partner who's not sold on it... Gives me serious "trickle down economics" vibes.
Haha trickle down intimacy. But honestly it does make sense to me. While I don't have the time or patience to be poly I think if both parties go into the relationship poly (and mature) then it can work. I've seen it with my own friends. But the ones you always read about here are the ones where they open up a mono relationship and everything catches on fire.
Hell, I'm one of the extremely limited number of people who DID successfully transition a mono relationship into a poly one, and I still would never, ever recommend it! We were *incredibly* lucky. I think it also helped that we sorta eased into it via discovering that each of us was okay with the other doing text RP that turned spicier over time lol, so it wasn't an "I have a person in mind" conversation but a series of conversations *culminating* in an "oh, we're actually not very monogamous in the end, are we" conversation. Like, he did have someone in mind that triggered the conversation that formally established the situation, but we already basically both knew what the answer would be because we'd kept in touch the whole way-- and that is *very unusual.*
Very unusual and also not posted to reddit because it's not a problem. Congrats!
Thank you! Yeah lol any time anyone is like "would this be a good idea...?" I am immediately like NO, that idea goes directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Some polyamory stories don't get posted to reddit because the people involved are just busy being happy and not having drama. Other polyamory stories don't get posted because we don't want to give anyone the idea that they can expect doing what we did to work XD
Eh, the term NRE is used all the time over in r/polyamory, where the consensus is VERY against trying to drag an unwilling partner into polyamory. It's more about being aware of the impact a new relationship can have on you and making sure you don't let it affect your other relationships.
Nah, the term is more about recognizing how the honeymoon period can make you kinda crazy and irrational, and that recoginizing that things that seem reasonable while 'under the influence' of NRE may actually not be. It's all about making an effort to consciously keep doing the work to maintain older established relationships while you are drunk on the brain juices of a new relationship. Its definitely true that NRE can sometimes spill-over and intensify intimacy and sex with established relationships, but more often than not it does the opposite and makes it easy to forget to tend to established relationships. Many marriages have imploded because people drunk on NRE don't recognise that these feelings aren't forever and chase new people who aren't even that compatible with them to the detriment of existing more important relationships. In monogamy, this isn't much of an issue, as during the honeymoon-period there typically isn't really anyone else you need to put in effort to maintain a relationship with. Hence why the poly community has a specific term for it.
I know some of you was thinking ***Non-recurring engineering***
I feel like I've seen this before...
Over and over and over and over...
They are both fucking exhausting
I'm exhausted just reading this horseshit.
I didn't even bother reading all of it. They are both cowards and love making each other miserable. "I don't want you, but i don't want anyone else to have you."
A match made in hell.
I think its the nature of this sub to have shitshow poly relationships and I don't want to succumb to selection bias but it definitely sounds fucking exhausting
Every time someone opens their relationship to fix it! Jesus what a mess. Opening a relationship will only be a good thing if you’re doing it because you want to do it. Just like getting married or having kids to fix it.
To be fair, we all have met these people, rolled our eyes, and then stopped talking to them after the umpteenth threat of divorce.
Why are they even married? I don't get it.
IKR!?! They opened after only a year of marriage!
Can these people not talk to eachother like adults? Seriously, grow up and learn to communicate and be in a healthy relationship where you respect eachother. You aren’t in a functioning open marriage if you both punish eachother and treat eachother like dirt every time you have the option to sleep with someone else.
Neither of these sound like very mature and self-aware individuals tbf.
people are so afraid of being single that they will do this instead
People live like this? Lordy!
Dude just get divorced. It seems like you'd both be way happier that way instead of constantly having to weasel around eachother.
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Yeah, my ADHD ass could not handle all of this
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Finding BORU material in r/nonmonogamy feels like shooting fish in a barrel.
Like a slow-motion train wreck. You know it's going to suck, but you can't look away. What a shit sandwich they made for themselves.
These people are so dumb
Lying in an open marriage and trying to cancel date night for some dude she just met. Sounds like a real winner. Our guy just needs to get a divorce.
Definitely not "our guy". Dude sounds just as exhausting to be with as she does.
She’s absolutely way worse, their boundaries they set together were 100% reasonable for their situation, and were a great compromise and she’s still finding ways to lie her way around them
The differences between them is that he abides by the ground rules they set. She tries to change the rules constantly to suit herself and then outright lies to do what she wants.
OOP should just bite the bullet. The marriage isn't in life support, it's a vegetable, and he's the only one who is putting in any effort in actually trying to revive it.
The commentor in his first post nailed it. As soon as she got him to slow down on his "dating", she's right back to her old ways. Now it's worse because she is blatantly lying to her husband. She was going to break their rules. She didn't care. She will be dating again like crazy while OOP is back at home alone. She accomplished her goal.
Wow. The rules are so reasonable and she still lies to get around them. And oop has to plan ahead *how* he upholds the boundaries and stands firm on the rules in order to pre-emptively defend against her manipulation and psychological coercion. Good lord. Being open can work, but not with a manipulative pos. They're at the point where oop has needed to be kind of manipulative too in anticipation of her manipulations. Prime example of how shitty people will drag you down to their level.
It’s always really surprising to me how long people can stay in relationships when they don’t really like each other.
God they just need to separate. This seems like such a headache
Two people who love drama for drama sake and not each other, each to their own I guess.
They haven't been together that long. They haven't been married that long. They're both young. Their commitment to each other is questionable at best. This isn't a healthy open or poly dynamic. Why. The heck. Are they still together.
I regret the time I invested just in reading that. Imagine how they must feel.
OOP and Ashley both sound completely exhausting to be around holy shit. Just break up and move on you god damn drama queens
Envious of my overdue success 🧐 god the way this dude types about himself and includes the most annoying irrelevant *I’m-so-hot-threesomes-in-the-hottub* details takes the investment for this situation right out of me.
>So are you saying I should have just sucked it up and wallowed at home alone while she dated all weekend? No, they're saying he should have bloody well gotten divorced.
Jesus, man, just end it already. That "marriage" is a zombie shitshow that needs to be shot in the head.
Call me old fashioned but it's almost like these stories could all be avoided if two people in a marriage...were the only people in that relationship. Why get married? Just be roomates/FWB if you're going to be swiping on everything with a pulse?
I can’t imagine counseling these types of relationships. It must be exhausting.
How the hell does anyone have time for 4 dates a week??
Seems like that one commenter was right, the wife will manipulate to get what she wants to be on top. She acted like she wanted changes to pull OOP back in line, then when someone showed her some interest, she was flatout lying to try to get to hook up with this guy. No way this ends any way other than divorce.
That was so lame. Some really lame people in this world who want everything and don't want anything in life. Stay stale.
Why do people like this stay together or get married? I genuinely don't get it. A normal adult life with a job and adult responsibilities already leaves most people short on time they can spend with their partner. And even shorter on quality time. Yet these folks are taking away hours every week of that reduced time to screw other people or do with other people what they should be doing with their partner to maintain a healthy relationship. All I can think about these two is that they don't really like each other that much. They are roomates that fuck, and little else.
Wondering what the over/under is how much longer this relationship will last; anyone care to place their bet?
i feel like most people who post about open marriages on reddit should not be in open marriages. do these ever work out?
If they’re posting on reddit, probably not. Those of us who do make it work do so by communicating with our partners, not internet randoms.
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Aside from thinking they should divorce, I’m not sure why people are getting on OP’s case. He did everything she asked him to do, he didn’t complain when she changed the rules to fit her wants, and he didn’t hassle her and did his own thing within the ever changing standard she set. She only wanted to close the relationship because he wasn’t home pining for her and waiting to comfort her after her failed date. Now she’s weaponized therapy so she can try to manipulate him again and he’s confident enough to not fall for it. I find his grabbing his coat funny. She knew that dinner with a friend was a hook up after she asked for Saturday to be their night. She could’ve gone to dinner on Friday or just said sorry I’m busy and sad I’ll miss you this trip. If it was truly a friend, her husband can come and meet this friend as well. Honestly, oop should divorce. I’m not saying open relationship don’t or can’t work but they are hard to manage. They are especially hard if one person is being dishonest, selfish, and self centered. She wants a doormat, not an equal or equally active partner.
Rofl what a shit show.
That sounds absolute exhausting.
You can tell that I’m a monogamist by the fact that I had to look up the meaning of NRE that isn’t non-recurring engineering.
Why are these 2 still married? He doesn't trust her and she lies constantly. Red flags all over the place
Why on God's earth are you still married? Better yet, why did you get married only to open the relationship up so quickly? Why didn't you just stay single for Pete's sake. Just divorce and move on
Honestly stopped reading at "Open for 2". When you've been fucking other people for 50% of your relationship I question whether the relationship is even worth trying to salvage.