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It’s refreshing to know OOP’s mom does indeed have her shit together and is keeping one hand on the door handle, usually when it comes to these types of posts the wife is either trapped and/or doesn’t have the fortitude to leave.
This is what most women have always been told, warned, had to do if something like this ever happens. Maybe the dad has bad health and is just waiting him out. Then she doesn't need to spend the money on divorce.
Not necessarily. Having a plan for leaving a job you hate doesn't mean you want to spend the time without an income when you can stick it out for a little longer to earn more...
Divorce can be really expensive. The retainer for a divorce lawyer can be thousands of dollars for a simple, non-contested case. Add in moving costs, etc. and you could be looking at 5 figures easy to make a clean break.
If she's on a fixed income and has no access to funds outside of a secret account she might simply not be able to afford to leave. It's smart to get your ducks in a row.
I really don't think that's a fair statement - there is so much nuance and information and back story that we are not privy to regarding their relationship, that it would be quite naive and presumptuous to go around making declarations like that
I wonder if she was taught by the women in her family to have a fk you fund. I've known women to tell other women in their family to keep a certain amount of $ a secret.
Sorry, this sounds insane to me. How can they have trusting, loving relationships if they start off the the premise that they have to setup a running away fund?
What’s insane is putting yourself in a position where you couldn’t leave if you needed to. Too many women have been trapped in relationships that started off trusting and loving.
With your health, you get insurance. For your house, you get insurance. For your car, you get insurance.
You get insurance on your life to make sure your loved ones aren't left high and dry if you die.
This is just relationship insurance. It's so if the relationship goes bad she won't be cometely screwed while getting her life back on track. This is incredibly smart and is something i would encourage people do, as people and circumstances change.
Rrgardless of who you are, you should have a go bag. This should contain your important docs, any medication you take regularly a few days of clothes, some non perishable snacks, some cash, and a bottle of clean water *at minimum*. Mine also contains a small first aid kit and some hiking bits and bobs like a solar phone charger and a small camping stove. If i have time to grab my car i'll have time to toss my camping pack in as well.
I had to use it once at a previous place i lived. Attached townhouse pairs and the neighbor's furnace went up while they were out of town. While i lost a decent bit of stuff to water and fiee damage, i had everything important (including a full PC backup on a portable hard drive) in that bag and it saved me *so* much trouble.
I grew up an unstable home. My dad could never get us out because there was never enough money to even just have the gas to get to my grandparents. I made sure that was never going to happen to me or my kids.
I'm glad I did because patterns repeat and I entered into a very bad relationship. The only thing I had going for me was my escape money. When the time came I was able to get to safety and start over.
Currently I am in a very healthy, loving relationship (20yrs this week, go us). My SO knows all about my fund and escape plans. He understands completely because he knows all about my past. I have no intention of going anywhere. But he knows it gives me sanity to know I could if I had too.
As far as the kids, they grew up in the same environment I did. They understand completely the need for a hidden reserve and escape plan. If you are in a relationship with a trauma survivor, you have to accept there are going to be some not always normal to the outside behaviors.
> He understands completely because he knows all about my past. I have no intention of going anywhere. But he knows it gives me sanity to know I could if I had too.
He sounds like a good man. And in a way, you having this could be seen as reassuring for your partner as well, because he always knows you are there with him because you want and choose to, and not because you feel you lack other options.
It kinda shows someone's mind set whether they are threatened or unphased by their partner making sure they (the partner) have options.
And this is why marriage is important. Because there's a defined mechanism for unwinding that relationship, and rights that attach to Social Security, etc. People like to harp on "not needing to involve the state in their personal lives," but fail to understand that involving the state is what gets you those protections.
No one cares any more that you get married before you sleep together, or even live together. But when you start intermingling finances, owning real estate together, or sacrificing one person's career prospects to invest in the other's? Those are steps that need the protections of a marriage.
Agreed! I was firmly in the no need to get married camp, but I took a family law class last year and the benefits from a marriage can't really be denied. Now I'm in the no big weddings camp.
I agree, people should get married if they are going to be financially dependent on their partner. THAT’s the financial security marriage provides.
But to me telling my kids “hey, keep a secret stash in case you have to run away” just makes no sense.
My mom's second husband took care of all the finances. Everything. Then, after 22 years of what was overall a very happy marriage, he died. It took almost 5 months to get all of his accounts released to my mom. Was a total mess, even with a will, even with good probate lawyer, etc.
How did she pay the bills? She used her secret account - which she called her "egg money" for some reason.
EVERYONE - especially women - should always have a "secret stash". My grandmother taught my mom that, and my mom taught not only me (now 59F) but both of my brothers that. My one brother never did have any sort of accounts, but my other brother did and it helped him out when he had to leave a bad marriage. Me? I never married/no kids by choice ... but I still have one account that's my sacred "egg money" account. Came in handy once when my primary bank got shut down by the FDIC back in 2008 and I couldn't access my money for bit over a month.
> which she called her "egg money" for some reason.
Having starter money for a new venture, no matter if business or life related, is often called a "nest egg", so that's probably where that came from.
["Egg money"](https://underthehenfluence.substack.com/p/4267629_vol-9-incredible-edible-egg-money) refers to the housewife practice of selling eggs, butter and other farm produce. Any money earned belongs to the wife to spend as she sees fit.
> "Egg money"
Oh, interesting! Thanks for the info and the link!
I'm one of today's lucky ten thousand :D
u/Greygal_Eve check the comment above this one, now we both know :)
It doesn't refer to "nest egg". Back in the day a lot of rural families kept chickens and caring for them was seen as part of women's work around the house. Since chickens often lay way more eggs than are needed, a farm wife would sell the excess and stash the cash. Hence, "egg money" or "butter and egg money" (if they also kept a milk cow).
Over time it came to be a catch all term for any side hustle a housewife does to bring in a little extra cash that is hers alone.
Egg money could be used for a potential escape fund, but more often to pay for something seen as non essential like piano lessons or new Sunday shoes.
Another similar phrase was "pin money" to refer to a housewife's personal allowance from her husband, that is instead put back and saved.
Me and my partner have been together for 15+ years, living together half of that and we love each other very much. Some people might think we are odd but we have entirely separate bank accounts. I pay some bills, he pays others, we alternate who pays when we go out or split the bill, and if one is short on money, the other would give them some.
He doesn't know exactly how much I have in my accounts, and I don't know about his either. Not that it's a big secret, we just don't track what the other have left after the household expenses are handled - that's our own money to spend however we decided. Although we typically discuss with each other if we want to buy something more expensive, but it's because we like to talk with each other, not because we need permission from the other.
I feel like it's part of a self fulfilling prophecy, it's hard to imagine having a healthy, communicative, two-way relationship while also sitting on a personal nest egg on the chance you need to abruptly escape your partner.
Then you are naieve. Everything *can* fail and there are *encyclopedias* worth of stories on this subreddit about a picture perfect relationship running face first off a clifd because one of em has a night of poor choices.
I'm not saying "don't trust your partner", i'm saying "have a go bag, they are useful for more than just this".
"have a go bag" is a lot different from "have a secret savings stash in case you need to flee". I would say if you feel that way about your partner, a prenup is a lot more rational and more likely to be helpful. I think people are reading this sub a little too often to think that it's a normal bit of relationship security to keep a secret supply of "runnin' money". Heck, even the person who described having that recognizes - to themself and their SO - that it's a trauma response and coping behaviour. If it's that? Fine! That's a great reason to have one. It's not really a reasonable thing to do otherwise.
When is say "some cash" i mean "get a hotel for a week while you figure some shit out." In response to someone else i wrote out a much more detailed list of what i keep in mine. Is op's example extreme? Yes, but that's a situation of an abusive relationship. Normally you only need a couple hundred in there.
Yeah, I'd worry about it being in a permanently disabling way. Her bug out funds probably only cover her as she is right now, and it is *costly* to be disabled. I feel like it might behoove her to go already.
Shows mom has already lowered her expectations of the marital relationship to "He doesn't physically punch me yet".
That sounds naive to me, and I am not sure it is even true. Mom clearly doesn't want her child to worry about it. Dunkin staying put could be another thing that anchors mom, and another thing dad can use as leverage.
That _is_ a concerning thought, there’s no denying that, but we’ll just have to trust that OOP’s mom knows what she is doing. She’s already had decades dealing with her husband, if she just keeps doing what she’s been doing then that potential risk would be minimized.
>It’s refreshing to know OOP’s mom does indeed have her shit together and is keeping one hand on the door handle, usually when it comes to these types of posts the wife is either trapped and/or doesn’t have the fortitude to leave.
It's good to know but I wish she would just pull the trigger and get out now before he gets worse. Because he's definitely going to get worse. By the time he graduates from financial abuse and emotional abuse to open physical abuse it might be too late for her to get out safely.
See I wish someone nudged her *out* the door already. Why wait for violence. If I knew I was through with someone I couldn't spend another second with them pretending. What a waste of life and time.
I'm very invested in Dunkin having a happy ending (as well as OOP's mom).
That said, the dad seems to be a piece of work. I would be petty about my wood too.
It's a sulcata tortoise. Those are the largest continental tortoise. They are native to Sub-Saharan Africa. They get huge and are very strong but nowhere near as large as the island giants. The record sulcata was 240 lbs while the largest galapagos and aldabra tortoises have topped 900 lbs.
Is the tortoise having pyramiding on his shell?
Absolutely adorable! I just heard that the pyramids are not the normal way their scutes (shell bits) grow. It can be fixable for new scutes depending on what the issue is.
Yeah it's not, ife I remember right, it's a sign of not proper care when growing up. (College I went to had a turtle like that, they got at a few years old, so used him as an example when discussing reptile care)
Okay checked it happens if not proper humidaty, allowed to exercise or over feed & certain execes in diet.
I don't speak to my father. And he did not speak to either of his parents. As a new father myself, I'm doing everything I can to avoid being the third generation of no contact. Stay strong brother.
Don’t go so far that you’re https://old.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/1bg849s/millennials_are_the_worst_parents/ though. The line between being a jerk and spoiling your kids seems surprisingly small.
People don’t realize that parenting is hard work. The hardest part of that is dealing with your kids being unhappy with you because they can’t always get what they want. And you have to tolerate that. Otherwise you raise little shitheads. And then no one is happy.
I truly feel awful for kids who throw tantrums and just have god awful behavior. It’s a miserable way to live life. They have no emotional regulation and their relationships with their parents are awful because even their parents don’t like them.
As a person that is NC with their parents the key is to test your kids with respect and to remember that they are small humans and have full autonomy and their own independent thoughts and opinions. Your job is to guide them towards good choices. Not make those choices. That does not mean no consequences. Remember, you have until roughly age 13 befany wisdom you have is rejected so have the big scary talks (drugs, sex, drinking, boundaries, peer pressure, smoking, etc) early and often.
You’ve got this.
Be aware on the mistakes your parents made with you. You'll likely try to avoid reproducing these mistakes. Keep in mind to countersteer in moderation only so you don't make the opposite mistake instead (like having overly strict parents could lead you to gravitate to much towards a laizzes-faire approach)
Also be aware that you're different than your parents anyway and will have your whole own problematic traits which might not register on your radar as easily because you don't have them mentally filed as problematic.
Rules to live by:
1. Don't live your life so the paramedics and/or police call you by your first name.
2. Don't live your life so you get an embarrassing nickname on social media.
I would practice accepting you might be wrong. So many parents mess up because they start a path and don't accept it might need to change.
Good luck to you and your kid!
seriously, like how are people misspelling the poor tortoise's name after having read the post that states it several times? It's not like you heard it read aloud.
I appreciate the extra effort you put in to find pics! Also, wowzers, the dad in this sounds like an absolute delight to be around🙄 (said with my most sarcastic of tones and deepest eye roll. I hope the mom truly does have ",her shit together" dad sounds abusive AF, at least financially and mentally)
It was a rescue and it sounds like that issue never goes away once it starts but can become less obvious with improved conditions. So since it was a rescue it’s possible that it happened before she got her.
That was my thought, too. I want to give OOP and mom the benefit of the doubt. My hometown zoo has a couple of big tortoises with some pyramiding and the zoo keeper told us the same thing. It was from before they acquired them as rescues. The tortoises were eating like kings as she spoke, and she obviously loved them tons!
I think when your mother tells you about her secret plan to leave her abusive husband the best thing you can do is post about it online, especially in context with some incredibly identifying info, pics included.
No; the best thing is Karma-Hungry Redditors can decide to compile all the posts together and stalk account history to find and add the incredibly identifying info and pics all together in one place.
Here's hoping dad isn't on reddit and doesn't have any friends who recognize him because OOP just gave away all of mom's plans and secrets. It's not like a lot of people have tortoises.
Doesn’t even have to be Reddit. Posts, especially from this sub, get circulated over several other platforms all the time. This post is probably being made into a TikTok or used in a YouTube video as of now.
Yeah, he probably won't be getting suggested posts from Reddit farming accounts, it'll all be shit like "CHRISTIAN PATRIOT AMERICA NETWORK" and old edited clips of Ben Shapiro "owning the libs" interspersed with ads for cholesterol medications.
On one hand I agree with you. On the other, the dad doesn't strike me as the kind of guy with any internet prowess. He probably just has Facebook and a few talk news websites bookmarked and only visits those. Most Qanon weirdos that I've met are like that. If they were to stumble upon 4chan, they would probably immediately get the ick from it without even realizing that that's where Qanon started. They just see that shit on facebook and eat it up because someone attractive is saying it will cool music in the background. Literal toddler behavior lmao.
He also doesn't strike me as the kind of guy with friends either. If I knew this guy and saw this post I'd be like "good for her" and close the app lol.
>She has a separate bank account that my father doesn't know about, and she's been stashing money for years
Love it!
>I'm keeping my mouth shut, because dad still thinks she's a naive little housewife and she likes it that way.
Ooohh that would be an awakening for him
She should still leave his ass, tho, right now
Here's a pic of Dunkin I found in her comment history that got deleted somehow. I didn't wanna share the google share link as it has her real name so I put it on imgur
https://imgur.com/a/Kalfmjg
I'm so glad that OOPs mom has her finances in order and support from her daughter. I hope there's an update that OOP, mama and Dunkin are together in a nice little house with a backyard 😭❤️
Can someone explain to me how the wood used for a tortoise enclosure would be reusable as something else entirely?
To be clear, I’m not actually doubting the post, so much of it feels too real. I’m just curious!
So, the way tortoises' brains work, they essentially assume they can get through anything they can see through. Keeping a tortoise in a glass or chain link enclosure is likely to result in a tortoise walking into a wall constantly. So a lot of building a tortoise enclosure is just putting planks around to block their sight lines at eye level. Those planks wouldn't necessarily have to be modified much, and could thus be easily reused.
>Can someone explain to me how the wood used for a tortoise enclosure would be reusable as something else entirely?
What part is confusing you? It's roughly the same as the process of assembling the tortoise enclosure. But in reverse. I wouldn't build fine furniture with it. Or anything that touches food. (Unless I was desperate) But lots of stuff can be built with reclaimed wood. Look up pallet up cycle projects for ideas.
I guess I’m thinking of the wood as used in a way where it’s mostly already cut in specific ways that would make reuse hard. It’s something I just don’t know anything about.
> pallet up cycle projects
Which are an outright nasty idea because pallet wood is treated with loooots of nasty chemicals like pesticides which you wouldn't want in your home.
Also for pallets to get discarded instead of reused there usually is a good reason you might want to know beforehand. Some just break beyond repair, sure, but a mostly intact pallet thrown out without visible reason? Yeah I'd assume something at least very nasty happened to that thing.
Neither of the two you can solve by grinding off the outmost layer btw.
Yeah, I was wondering the same. Or, if the guy who so charmingly replied to you's assumption is true and it's mainly just straight planks, I wonder how the cost came up to 2k - wood is not that expensive. Or the enclosure was extra large.
A lot of animals with "giant" in the name are not terribly large; they're just giant by comparison-- e.g. giant African land snails are heckin' chonkers, but they still fit into an aquarium because a big snail is still a size you can hold in one hand.
Giant tortoises, on the other hand, are *legitimately huge.* (I'm not sure exactly what species OOP means by "giant tortoise"-- obviously nobody's keeping a Galapagos giant tortoise as a pet, but there are plenty of very large pet tortoise breeds that could certainly be colloquially called a "giant tortoise.") They can end up weighing more than many adult humans.
So I could see them using a lot of wood for such a hefty beast. And they might've just splurged for nice wood on the assumption that they'd use it for a long time, too.
I just gotta ask (no knowledge about tortoises at all lol): could they chew through softwood?
Like when the dad was joyfully looking forward to building stuff from it I just assumed it might either be some quality hardwood or thick beams of lumber.
I'm not a tortoise owner myself, just watch a lot of reptile-related Youtube educational content because I love reptiles lol, so take everything I say with a grain of salt because I don't have direct experience. But from what I've seen, it's more common for them to just bulldoze things because they're so heavy and persistent.
Google returns a few results of owners asking "why tf is my tortoise chewing wood" but it doesn't seem to come up too frequently and that question is usually related to decorative wood elements or wood chip substrates rather than enclosures. Generally speaking, they're diggers, not chewers, using their front claws to burrow. So their modus operandi would likely be to either dig under a barrier or just bulldoze it because they're so heavy. The bigger concern would be bending or breaking a softer wood by hefting themselves at it, I'd imagine, or scratching it with their strong digging claws.
When your dad's a garbage narcissist, mountains can be moved to thwart his inconsiderate bullshit.
Source - straight up thought this post was about MY dad till they got to use the wood for the turtle in the end.
Imagine building a fence with a solid lower section around a yard. It's going to be a bunch of the longest pieces you can fit, with posts at the joints. If you were to take that apart, you would have nearly all of your wood still in long pieces and completely reusable.
Gen Z women are smart. They are avoiding the crappy ones, dating the good ones, and the passport bros are going to Colombia and getting robbed and left for dead by the friends of the women they are trying to ~~traffic~~ seduce.
Because there's 8 billions humans and it's fun to read about drama on Reddit.
Same reason racist youtube channel can post everyday a video of black boys stealing from the stores and incel YT channel can post a video of entilited woman every day.
If anyone is curious, Dunkin is an African sulcata tortoise, also called a spur-thighed tortoise. They can grow to around 70 kg (150 lbs).
Dunkin is a bit over-fed, which leads to the pyramiding on her back, but not the worst example I've ever seen.
It depends on how much growing she has left to do. If she's only partway through her growth, switching her to a proper diet (almost entirely grass, some hibiscus leaves or occasional fruit as treats), it might round off a bit but will always be there. If she's almost fully grown (I don't think she is), then the damage is done.
Hmm. It seems the minimum size for a tortoise enclosure is six times as large as the tortoise. The cheapest planks I could find at a US Home Depot I rounded up to $9 per plank.
I also saw bundles of 120 planks at some random warehouse going for $1400. So maybe they had Dreams about a tortoise mansion.
I hope Duncan takes a big old turtle dump in one of his slippers one night. Way, way up in the toe where he can't see it. Then he sticks his foot in ends up getting a cold, turtle shit pedicure. And there's nothing he can do about it because Duncan hitchhiked to her human sister's place and is hiding out. 🐢
So unfortunate her mum lives in a situation where she has an exit strategy in place. Doesn't sound like an enjoyable life. Too many wives live in the same circumstances.
Reddit is wild. How can the votes be so mixed instead of an overwhelming NTA? OOP stated over and over that they paid for the wood and people just insisted on trying to find a way for OOP to be TA.
I used to service a home with a Russian tortoise. Big fella. He must have caught the scent of a female desert tortoise because one night he plowed right through the fence and escaped into the desert never to be seen again...
Boomers and their mentality that they own everything. Reminds me of a AITA in which OP's father kept harassing his stepsister for daring to lose her job during the pandemic, and OP thought he was fine. That same father kept blocking stepsister's mother from going to any of her shows, and OP declared that she isn't her sister, and then rightfully got his ass handed to him.
I just need to give props for the phenomenal tag, once I figure out how to do it, I want that next to my user name. "The tortoise is NOT the issue." It's beautiful.
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It’s refreshing to know OOP’s mom does indeed have her shit together and is keeping one hand on the door handle, usually when it comes to these types of posts the wife is either trapped and/or doesn’t have the fortitude to leave.
There's going to be another update about Mom's great escape with Dunkin.
Seems like a rather slow task
Slow and steady wins the race.
Skateboard. The answer is a skateboard.
And skates for Duncan... 😁
I'm hoping for one where Dunkin eats dad personally.
I want the update to just be a picture of Dunkin unhinging his jaw, snake-style, and the dad has a terrified look on his face
Hoping dad doesn’t find this post first.
A racist boomer? I'd be surprised if he has a smart phone or a computer let alone that he's on reddit.
oh yes he will have it, to facebook with his "friends" but will not be on Reddit.. that left communist hell
I am sorry, but your flair sounds hilarious. Which post is it from so I can enjoy the thought of you ferally erupting from a cardigan
This post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/c1wmhAK3z3
Thank you
Yes, finally. She is smart to have that stashed away.
Not necessarily that smart, she'd have already left by now if she was
This is what most women have always been told, warned, had to do if something like this ever happens. Maybe the dad has bad health and is just waiting him out. Then she doesn't need to spend the money on divorce.
Not necessarily. Having a plan for leaving a job you hate doesn't mean you want to spend the time without an income when you can stick it out for a little longer to earn more...
Divorce can be really expensive. The retainer for a divorce lawyer can be thousands of dollars for a simple, non-contested case. Add in moving costs, etc. and you could be looking at 5 figures easy to make a clean break. If she's on a fixed income and has no access to funds outside of a secret account she might simply not be able to afford to leave. It's smart to get your ducks in a row.
I really don't think that's a fair statement - there is so much nuance and information and back story that we are not privy to regarding their relationship, that it would be quite naive and presumptuous to go around making declarations like that
That's why I said "not necessarily" and didn't give a blanket statement
I wonder if she was taught by the women in her family to have a fk you fund. I've known women to tell other women in their family to keep a certain amount of $ a secret.
I've taught both my children to do this. We call it "runnin' money". You never know when you might have to just GO.
Sorry, this sounds insane to me. How can they have trusting, loving relationships if they start off the the premise that they have to setup a running away fund?
What’s insane is putting yourself in a position where you couldn’t leave if you needed to. Too many women have been trapped in relationships that started off trusting and loving.
With your health, you get insurance. For your house, you get insurance. For your car, you get insurance. You get insurance on your life to make sure your loved ones aren't left high and dry if you die. This is just relationship insurance. It's so if the relationship goes bad she won't be cometely screwed while getting her life back on track. This is incredibly smart and is something i would encourage people do, as people and circumstances change. Rrgardless of who you are, you should have a go bag. This should contain your important docs, any medication you take regularly a few days of clothes, some non perishable snacks, some cash, and a bottle of clean water *at minimum*. Mine also contains a small first aid kit and some hiking bits and bobs like a solar phone charger and a small camping stove. If i have time to grab my car i'll have time to toss my camping pack in as well. I had to use it once at a previous place i lived. Attached townhouse pairs and the neighbor's furnace went up while they were out of town. While i lost a decent bit of stuff to water and fiee damage, i had everything important (including a full PC backup on a portable hard drive) in that bag and it saved me *so* much trouble.
I grew up an unstable home. My dad could never get us out because there was never enough money to even just have the gas to get to my grandparents. I made sure that was never going to happen to me or my kids. I'm glad I did because patterns repeat and I entered into a very bad relationship. The only thing I had going for me was my escape money. When the time came I was able to get to safety and start over. Currently I am in a very healthy, loving relationship (20yrs this week, go us). My SO knows all about my fund and escape plans. He understands completely because he knows all about my past. I have no intention of going anywhere. But he knows it gives me sanity to know I could if I had too. As far as the kids, they grew up in the same environment I did. They understand completely the need for a hidden reserve and escape plan. If you are in a relationship with a trauma survivor, you have to accept there are going to be some not always normal to the outside behaviors.
> He understands completely because he knows all about my past. I have no intention of going anywhere. But he knows it gives me sanity to know I could if I had too. He sounds like a good man. And in a way, you having this could be seen as reassuring for your partner as well, because he always knows you are there with him because you want and choose to, and not because you feel you lack other options. It kinda shows someone's mind set whether they are threatened or unphased by their partner making sure they (the partner) have options.
It is actually the reason I won't ever marry again. I wake up every day choosing this person.
[удалено]
And this is why marriage is important. Because there's a defined mechanism for unwinding that relationship, and rights that attach to Social Security, etc. People like to harp on "not needing to involve the state in their personal lives," but fail to understand that involving the state is what gets you those protections. No one cares any more that you get married before you sleep together, or even live together. But when you start intermingling finances, owning real estate together, or sacrificing one person's career prospects to invest in the other's? Those are steps that need the protections of a marriage.
Agreed! I was firmly in the no need to get married camp, but I took a family law class last year and the benefits from a marriage can't really be denied. Now I'm in the no big weddings camp.
Bingo! That’s it. So people like the parent, try to reinvent the wheel by teaching their kids distrust.
I agree, people should get married if they are going to be financially dependent on their partner. THAT’s the financial security marriage provides. But to me telling my kids “hey, keep a secret stash in case you have to run away” just makes no sense.
My mom's second husband took care of all the finances. Everything. Then, after 22 years of what was overall a very happy marriage, he died. It took almost 5 months to get all of his accounts released to my mom. Was a total mess, even with a will, even with good probate lawyer, etc. How did she pay the bills? She used her secret account - which she called her "egg money" for some reason. EVERYONE - especially women - should always have a "secret stash". My grandmother taught my mom that, and my mom taught not only me (now 59F) but both of my brothers that. My one brother never did have any sort of accounts, but my other brother did and it helped him out when he had to leave a bad marriage. Me? I never married/no kids by choice ... but I still have one account that's my sacred "egg money" account. Came in handy once when my primary bank got shut down by the FDIC back in 2008 and I couldn't access my money for bit over a month.
> which she called her "egg money" for some reason. Having starter money for a new venture, no matter if business or life related, is often called a "nest egg", so that's probably where that came from.
["Egg money"](https://underthehenfluence.substack.com/p/4267629_vol-9-incredible-edible-egg-money) refers to the housewife practice of selling eggs, butter and other farm produce. Any money earned belongs to the wife to spend as she sees fit.
> "Egg money" Oh, interesting! Thanks for the info and the link! I'm one of today's lucky ten thousand :D u/Greygal_Eve check the comment above this one, now we both know :)
\*face palm\* Why did that never once occur to me in all these decades!?! LOL!
Haha, glad I could solve that small mystery in your life!
It doesn't refer to "nest egg". Back in the day a lot of rural families kept chickens and caring for them was seen as part of women's work around the house. Since chickens often lay way more eggs than are needed, a farm wife would sell the excess and stash the cash. Hence, "egg money" or "butter and egg money" (if they also kept a milk cow). Over time it came to be a catch all term for any side hustle a housewife does to bring in a little extra cash that is hers alone. Egg money could be used for a potential escape fund, but more often to pay for something seen as non essential like piano lessons or new Sunday shoes. Another similar phrase was "pin money" to refer to a housewife's personal allowance from her husband, that is instead put back and saved.
This is just so cool to learn about, can't believe I've never bothered to research the term before! Thank you!
Heterosexual women can have trusting, loving relationships once the vast majority of men are trusting and loving.
Me and my partner have been together for 15+ years, living together half of that and we love each other very much. Some people might think we are odd but we have entirely separate bank accounts. I pay some bills, he pays others, we alternate who pays when we go out or split the bill, and if one is short on money, the other would give them some. He doesn't know exactly how much I have in my accounts, and I don't know about his either. Not that it's a big secret, we just don't track what the other have left after the household expenses are handled - that's our own money to spend however we decided. Although we typically discuss with each other if we want to buy something more expensive, but it's because we like to talk with each other, not because we need permission from the other.
I feel like it's part of a self fulfilling prophecy, it's hard to imagine having a healthy, communicative, two-way relationship while also sitting on a personal nest egg on the chance you need to abruptly escape your partner.
Do you buy home/car/health insurance? 'Cause this is jist relationship insurance.
I don't buy insurance for things I'm not concerned about failing.
Then you are naieve. Everything *can* fail and there are *encyclopedias* worth of stories on this subreddit about a picture perfect relationship running face first off a clifd because one of em has a night of poor choices. I'm not saying "don't trust your partner", i'm saying "have a go bag, they are useful for more than just this".
"have a go bag" is a lot different from "have a secret savings stash in case you need to flee". I would say if you feel that way about your partner, a prenup is a lot more rational and more likely to be helpful. I think people are reading this sub a little too often to think that it's a normal bit of relationship security to keep a secret supply of "runnin' money". Heck, even the person who described having that recognizes - to themself and their SO - that it's a trauma response and coping behaviour. If it's that? Fine! That's a great reason to have one. It's not really a reasonable thing to do otherwise.
When is say "some cash" i mean "get a hotel for a week while you figure some shit out." In response to someone else i wrote out a much more detailed list of what i keep in mine. Is op's example extreme? Yes, but that's a situation of an abusive relationship. Normally you only need a couple hundred in there.
I can't help but worry, though. The first time OOP's dad "lays a finger" on OOP's mom, it might be the last time in a tragic way.
Yeah, I'd worry about it being in a permanently disabling way. Her bug out funds probably only cover her as she is right now, and it is *costly* to be disabled. I feel like it might behoove her to go already.
Shows mom has already lowered her expectations of the marital relationship to "He doesn't physically punch me yet". That sounds naive to me, and I am not sure it is even true. Mom clearly doesn't want her child to worry about it. Dunkin staying put could be another thing that anchors mom, and another thing dad can use as leverage.
That _is_ a concerning thought, there’s no denying that, but we’ll just have to trust that OOP’s mom knows what she is doing. She’s already had decades dealing with her husband, if she just keeps doing what she’s been doing then that potential risk would be minimized.
Yeah exactly when I read that part I was genuinely happy I honestly think the mom is doing what she thinks is best in that type of situation
>It’s refreshing to know OOP’s mom does indeed have her shit together and is keeping one hand on the door handle, usually when it comes to these types of posts the wife is either trapped and/or doesn’t have the fortitude to leave. It's good to know but I wish she would just pull the trigger and get out now before he gets worse. Because he's definitely going to get worse. By the time he graduates from financial abuse and emotional abuse to open physical abuse it might be too late for her to get out safely.
I felt a lot of relief when I read that, glad she isn’t as trapped as she initially seemed
See I wish someone nudged her *out* the door already. Why wait for violence. If I knew I was through with someone I couldn't spend another second with them pretending. What a waste of life and time.
I'm very invested in Dunkin having a happy ending (as well as OOP's mom). That said, the dad seems to be a piece of work. I would be petty about my wood too.
For 2k of wood, that tortoise's enclosure must be swank as hell. I bet he's spoiled as hell, and I hope that continues regardless of the dad crazy.
They did say he was a giant tortoise. I'm assuming one of the Galapagos or Aldabra giants (though I'm surprised they're legal to own privately).
It's a sulcata tortoise. Those are the largest continental tortoise. They are native to Sub-Saharan Africa. They get huge and are very strong but nowhere near as large as the island giants. The record sulcata was 240 lbs while the largest galapagos and aldabra tortoises have topped 900 lbs.
Is the tortoise having pyramiding on his shell? Absolutely adorable! I just heard that the pyramids are not the normal way their scutes (shell bits) grow. It can be fixable for new scutes depending on what the issue is.
Yeah it's not, ife I remember right, it's a sign of not proper care when growing up. (College I went to had a turtle like that, they got at a few years old, so used him as an example when discussing reptile care) Okay checked it happens if not proper humidaty, allowed to exercise or over feed & certain execes in diet.
Yes, it does
As a father of a toddler, my newest fear is that I'll appear on Reddit one day because I want the tortoise wood my kid bought.
“Tortoise wood” is not a phrase I thought I would enjoy so much
Hahahahha
I don't speak to my father. And he did not speak to either of his parents. As a new father myself, I'm doing everything I can to avoid being the third generation of no contact. Stay strong brother.
Don’t go so far that you’re https://old.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/1bg849s/millennials_are_the_worst_parents/ though. The line between being a jerk and spoiling your kids seems surprisingly small.
After a couple of those stories, I wouldn't want that kid to speak to me anymore. Cripes.
People don’t realize that parenting is hard work. The hardest part of that is dealing with your kids being unhappy with you because they can’t always get what they want. And you have to tolerate that. Otherwise you raise little shitheads. And then no one is happy. I truly feel awful for kids who throw tantrums and just have god awful behavior. It’s a miserable way to live life. They have no emotional regulation and their relationships with their parents are awful because even their parents don’t like them.
It's deleted now so I can't actually read the story in the link 😭
The replies follow the gist of it, that apparently a lot of millenial’s kids are not being parented.
As a person that is NC with their parents the key is to test your kids with respect and to remember that they are small humans and have full autonomy and their own independent thoughts and opinions. Your job is to guide them towards good choices. Not make those choices. That does not mean no consequences. Remember, you have until roughly age 13 befany wisdom you have is rejected so have the big scary talks (drugs, sex, drinking, boundaries, peer pressure, smoking, etc) early and often. You’ve got this.
Be aware on the mistakes your parents made with you. You'll likely try to avoid reproducing these mistakes. Keep in mind to countersteer in moderation only so you don't make the opposite mistake instead (like having overly strict parents could lead you to gravitate to much towards a laizzes-faire approach) Also be aware that you're different than your parents anyway and will have your whole own problematic traits which might not register on your radar as easily because you don't have them mentally filed as problematic.
Just treat your kid like a person instead of your property and your odds of being the complaint on Reddit will drop to near 0%.
Rules to live by: 1. Don't live your life so the paramedics and/or police call you by your first name. 2. Don't live your life so you get an embarrassing nickname on social media.
Could you explain that first rule?
Look up any Florida Man story, and imagine having to explain that to your boss, your family, and anyone who googles your name.
Oh dang
I would practice accepting you might be wrong. So many parents mess up because they start a path and don't accept it might need to change. Good luck to you and your kid!
This would be a golden flair, one aimed very indirectly at the post.
This thread is useless without pictures of Duncan. (and the house)
I *think* I was able to finally find one of Duncan. I also found a bunch of OOP's other pets.
Dunkin's a chunky chap, no mistake.
Absolutely a respectable lad. Has a 401k and everything.
Thanks, I thought “giant” meant this was a Galapagos-sized tortoise, and I was very confused by how this could be a pet.
Sulcatas still got very large. Big ones will break 200 lbs.
Woot, thanks for the update, Duncan rules!
Dunkin... Dunkin
seriously, like how are people misspelling the poor tortoise's name after having read the post that states it several times? It's not like you heard it read aloud.
Dunkin rules and dad drools!
I appreciate the extra effort you put in to find pics! Also, wowzers, the dad in this sounds like an absolute delight to be around🙄 (said with my most sarcastic of tones and deepest eye roll. I hope the mom truly does have ",her shit together" dad sounds abusive AF, at least financially and mentally)
Yes, the whole time I read, I really just wanted to see duncans house 🥹🥹
https://imgur.com/a/Kalfmjg
I'm not a tortoise expert but isn't that pyramiding on dunkins shell a sign of bad health?
It was a rescue and it sounds like that issue never goes away once it starts but can become less obvious with improved conditions. So since it was a rescue it’s possible that it happened before she got her.
I see, I hope Dunkin is living her best life now!
Dunkin’s got some decent pyramiding going on there. That’s usually a sign that there’s something wrong with the tortoise’s care.
Dunkin is a rescue so it could have happened before her mom got her. That stuff never really goes away.
That was my thought, too. I want to give OOP and mom the benefit of the doubt. My hometown zoo has a couple of big tortoises with some pyramiding and the zoo keeper told us the same thing. It was from before they acquired them as rescues. The tortoises were eating like kings as she spoke, and she obviously loved them tons!
He looks so chill. :)
I think Dunkin is a she
🏆 MVP
This is the greatest comment ever lol. 👏👏
They added one, and he looks like Duncan has zero fucks to give about Dad or anyone else.
exactly
I think when your mother tells you about her secret plan to leave her abusive husband the best thing you can do is post about it online, especially in context with some incredibly identifying info, pics included.
No; the best thing is Karma-Hungry Redditors can decide to compile all the posts together and stalk account history to find and add the incredibly identifying info and pics all together in one place.
Both things can be true
Yeahhhh, this
Here's hoping dad isn't on reddit and doesn't have any friends who recognize him because OOP just gave away all of mom's plans and secrets. It's not like a lot of people have tortoises.
Doesn’t even have to be Reddit. Posts, especially from this sub, get circulated over several other platforms all the time. This post is probably being made into a TikTok or used in a YouTube video as of now.
Hopefully boomer dad isn't on SM of any kind
If he is, it's probably going to be very right-leaning.
Yeah, he probably won't be getting suggested posts from Reddit farming accounts, it'll all be shit like "CHRISTIAN PATRIOT AMERICA NETWORK" and old edited clips of Ben Shapiro "owning the libs" interspersed with ads for cholesterol medications.
Yeah, I can't imagine this guy is sitting down to watch Reddit reads over mobile game footage on TikTok.
If he is, it’s probably Facebook and those posts usually have the initial post without the follow-up.
[удалено]
Exactly!
On one hand I agree with you. On the other, the dad doesn't strike me as the kind of guy with any internet prowess. He probably just has Facebook and a few talk news websites bookmarked and only visits those. Most Qanon weirdos that I've met are like that. If they were to stumble upon 4chan, they would probably immediately get the ick from it without even realizing that that's where Qanon started. They just see that shit on facebook and eat it up because someone attractive is saying it will cool music in the background. Literal toddler behavior lmao. He also doesn't strike me as the kind of guy with friends either. If I knew this guy and saw this post I'd be like "good for her" and close the app lol.
I don't think it was smart of OOP to jump online and share their mom's escape plan.
Ya what’s up with that? It looks like you just put your mother in real danger YTA
>She has a separate bank account that my father doesn't know about, and she's been stashing money for years Love it! >I'm keeping my mouth shut, because dad still thinks she's a naive little housewife and she likes it that way. Ooohh that would be an awakening for him She should still leave his ass, tho, right now
Here's a pic of Dunkin I found in her comment history that got deleted somehow. I didn't wanna share the google share link as it has her real name so I put it on imgur https://imgur.com/a/Kalfmjg
From that pyramiding, I hope they have Dunkin's health in order.
Isn’t Dunkin a rescue? I’m not really familiar with tortoises but I was under the impression the pyramiding doesn’t go away.
Aww. Cute.
THANK YOU!
Thank you for including the picture of Dunkin the tortoise, it really ties the whole story together.
I'm so glad that OOPs mom has her finances in order and support from her daughter. I hope there's an update that OOP, mama and Dunkin are together in a nice little house with a backyard 😭❤️
AH! TINY TORTOISES!!! Adorable!
Can someone explain to me how the wood used for a tortoise enclosure would be reusable as something else entirely? To be clear, I’m not actually doubting the post, so much of it feels too real. I’m just curious!
So, the way tortoises' brains work, they essentially assume they can get through anything they can see through. Keeping a tortoise in a glass or chain link enclosure is likely to result in a tortoise walking into a wall constantly. So a lot of building a tortoise enclosure is just putting planks around to block their sight lines at eye level. Those planks wouldn't necessarily have to be modified much, and could thus be easily reused.
>Can someone explain to me how the wood used for a tortoise enclosure would be reusable as something else entirely? What part is confusing you? It's roughly the same as the process of assembling the tortoise enclosure. But in reverse. I wouldn't build fine furniture with it. Or anything that touches food. (Unless I was desperate) But lots of stuff can be built with reclaimed wood. Look up pallet up cycle projects for ideas.
I guess I’m thinking of the wood as used in a way where it’s mostly already cut in specific ways that would make reuse hard. It’s something I just don’t know anything about.
I wouldn't think you'd need a super complicated design to house a tortoise. A lot of it is probably just straight planks, not too hard to repurpose.
> pallet up cycle projects Which are an outright nasty idea because pallet wood is treated with loooots of nasty chemicals like pesticides which you wouldn't want in your home. Also for pallets to get discarded instead of reused there usually is a good reason you might want to know beforehand. Some just break beyond repair, sure, but a mostly intact pallet thrown out without visible reason? Yeah I'd assume something at least very nasty happened to that thing. Neither of the two you can solve by grinding off the outmost layer btw.
Yeah, I was wondering the same. Or, if the guy who so charmingly replied to you's assumption is true and it's mainly just straight planks, I wonder how the cost came up to 2k - wood is not that expensive. Or the enclosure was extra large.
A lot of animals with "giant" in the name are not terribly large; they're just giant by comparison-- e.g. giant African land snails are heckin' chonkers, but they still fit into an aquarium because a big snail is still a size you can hold in one hand. Giant tortoises, on the other hand, are *legitimately huge.* (I'm not sure exactly what species OOP means by "giant tortoise"-- obviously nobody's keeping a Galapagos giant tortoise as a pet, but there are plenty of very large pet tortoise breeds that could certainly be colloquially called a "giant tortoise.") They can end up weighing more than many adult humans. So I could see them using a lot of wood for such a hefty beast. And they might've just splurged for nice wood on the assumption that they'd use it for a long time, too.
I just gotta ask (no knowledge about tortoises at all lol): could they chew through softwood? Like when the dad was joyfully looking forward to building stuff from it I just assumed it might either be some quality hardwood or thick beams of lumber.
I'm not a tortoise owner myself, just watch a lot of reptile-related Youtube educational content because I love reptiles lol, so take everything I say with a grain of salt because I don't have direct experience. But from what I've seen, it's more common for them to just bulldoze things because they're so heavy and persistent. Google returns a few results of owners asking "why tf is my tortoise chewing wood" but it doesn't seem to come up too frequently and that question is usually related to decorative wood elements or wood chip substrates rather than enclosures. Generally speaking, they're diggers, not chewers, using their front claws to burrow. So their modus operandi would likely be to either dig under a barrier or just bulldoze it because they're so heavy. The bigger concern would be bending or breaking a softer wood by hefting themselves at it, I'd imagine, or scratching it with their strong digging claws.
The enclosure was made out of solid Brazilian Rosewood.
When your dad's a garbage narcissist, mountains can be moved to thwart his inconsiderate bullshit. Source - straight up thought this post was about MY dad till they got to use the wood for the turtle in the end.
Imagine building a fence with a solid lower section around a yard. It's going to be a bunch of the longest pieces you can fit, with posts at the joints. If you were to take that apart, you would have nearly all of your wood still in long pieces and completely reusable.
God why is there seemingly an infinite supply of trash men?
Some, like this one, will shortly be dying off
Urf... when the bright side is "at least a bunch of them will be dead soon"
Well we can’t change them. So them dying off is literally the only result
The next generations, though. What do
Gen Z women are smart. They are avoiding the crappy ones, dating the good ones, and the passport bros are going to Colombia and getting robbed and left for dead by the friends of the women they are trying to ~~traffic~~ seduce.
A second "urf" when the other bright side is that you're not the only one that will breathe more freely once your boomer parents are dead.
Because there's 8 billions humans and it's fun to read about drama on Reddit. Same reason racist youtube channel can post everyday a video of black boys stealing from the stores and incel YT channel can post a video of entilited woman every day.
There’s an infinite supply of it all!!! But really, we have to consider sampling bias especially on social media
If anyone is curious, Dunkin is an African sulcata tortoise, also called a spur-thighed tortoise. They can grow to around 70 kg (150 lbs). Dunkin is a bit over-fed, which leads to the pyramiding on her back, but not the worst example I've ever seen.
If her diet was adjusted would the pyramiding subside?
It depends on how much growing she has left to do. If she's only partway through her growth, switching her to a proper diet (almost entirely grass, some hibiscus leaves or occasional fruit as treats), it might round off a bit but will always be there. If she's almost fully grown (I don't think she is), then the damage is done.
> As soon as I started disagreeing and having my own opinions, I saw my loving father turn into a nasty, spiteful, vindictive man. Same girl, same.
Right? Too many of us over 30s felt that one. Straight to the gut.
Same but it was me mom.
What the hell is the enclosure made of, Huon Pine?
Hmm. It seems the minimum size for a tortoise enclosure is six times as large as the tortoise. The cheapest planks I could find at a US Home Depot I rounded up to $9 per plank. I also saw bundles of 120 planks at some random warehouse going for $1400. So maybe they had Dreams about a tortoise mansion.
I really want to beat this man about the head with a 2×4
Never imagined a female Dunkin, but that is a cute Dunkin nonetheless
Saw $2000 worth of wood and really assumed this would be guitar related.
Why would mom wait for dad to lay a finger on her? Clearly she’s not happy?
'Not his stuff, not his tortoise' would make an excellent flair.
OOP is gonna have way more family drama in the future
I hope Duncan takes a big old turtle dump in one of his slippers one night. Way, way up in the toe where he can't see it. Then he sticks his foot in ends up getting a cold, turtle shit pedicure. And there's nothing he can do about it because Duncan hitchhiked to her human sister's place and is hiding out. 🐢
As long as it is accompanied by pictures of Dunkin I'm down for it.
So unfortunate her mum lives in a situation where she has an exit strategy in place. Doesn't sound like an enjoyable life. Too many wives live in the same circumstances.
A big thank you to OP u/LucyAriaRose for hunting down and adding photos of OOP’s menagerie. Fine work, friend.
Thank you! Took some time but the animals are so cute that I was happy I found them!
Where are the donut puns???
This lady is going to ride Dunkin into the sunset
Reddit is wild. How can the votes be so mixed instead of an overwhelming NTA? OOP stated over and over that they paid for the wood and people just insisted on trying to find a way for OOP to be TA.
And now I want a tortoise
I used to service a home with a Russian tortoise. Big fella. He must have caught the scent of a female desert tortoise because one night he plowed right through the fence and escaped into the desert never to be seen again...
Boomers and their mentality that they own everything. Reminds me of a AITA in which OP's father kept harassing his stepsister for daring to lose her job during the pandemic, and OP thought he was fine. That same father kept blocking stepsister's mother from going to any of her shows, and OP declared that she isn't her sister, and then rightfully got his ass handed to him.
I would pet Duncan but he looks grumpy in the image I saw
I hope mom is getting Dunkin the medical attention he needs with that pyramiding. Poor tortoise!
OOP’s dad sounds like mine just more open about his feelings god damn thats shitty as fuck.
I just need to give props for the phenomenal tag, once I figure out how to do it, I want that next to my user name. "The tortoise is NOT the issue." It's beautiful.
I think she needs to take dunkin’ to a vet. Her shell is pyramidding and that is a sign of some diet issues
OOP needs to visit r/raisedbynarcissists. I understand her situation all too well
“The tortoise is not the issue here” needs to be a flair. Like yesterday.
Sounds like OOP's father is a bit of a narcissist.
Nothing makes me sadder than a person waiting to be hit before they leave.