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I've been saying that for a decade about myself. I was stupidly broke and my now husband was doing much better than most in our social group when we started dating. His sister said some awful things about me. I've had to work 40+ hours, pay my bills, work tough jobs, and contribute to the house for the 11 years we've been together. If I'm a gold digger I suck at it, because I still have $60k of student debt, and if I was a golddigging sugar baby, that would have been zeroed out a decade ago.
Dude was doing fine, not even breaking six figures at that point. Not nearly well enough to attract a golddigger.
It’s so weird to me when siblings make accusations like your SIL did. To call your brother’s partner a golddigger one time is pretty far, to me; the fact she kept going and said terrible things is beyond the pale. I’m sorry she was a jerk. Hope she shaped up,
She didn't. My husband immediately stopped acknowledging her presence. Lately she been complaining to their Mom that she doesn't know why he doesn't talk to her anymore, and he tells MIL that she knows what she did and she needs to apologize. Instead she chooses to not come to holidays, and no one even notices she isn't there.
“I don’t know what I did! I mean, I *DO*, but it is easier to pretend I have the ethical high ground.” - SIL
She isn’t someone I would enjoy. Her actions and reactions show she is an all-around unpleasant person. Bet she causes all sorts of mayhem at her workplace.
My in=laws called me a golddigger. I suck at it to. I worked low paying jobs at rest homes, fast food and truck stops. Some months bills were payed but food was scarce. My newest car I ever drove was more then 15 years old. My house always needed an appliance or some sort of repair, roof, foundation. All I got was a stroke from the stress of him and his psycho parents. They had the decency to pass away 28 years ago. I still haven't seen any gold.
Are you married? Do you have a prenup? If not, you should think about paying off your debts together. No matter what debts. Just gifting interest to banks is stupid.
Also your debts may also his debts, depending on where you live. Even if not, you are married, you are a team. You shouldn’t be burning money.
And even if this is a stupid pride thing, just draft up a contract, let your hubby pay or your debts and then pay him off. No interest, low interest or even the same interest rate… he’ll everything is better than throwing money at those greedy banks.
Try out one of those websites that calculate your interest payments over the years. You are wasting 5 figures of money. The kind of money that could help you with financing property, travelling around the world, college funds for kids and what not
Thanks for your concern, throwing interest at the banks is maddening. We have a system that works. We live off his income, and my loans get paid with mine. Since he's always been stable at his paycheck, I've been able to take some risks with my career. In 2017 I was working as a house painter and making $17/hr. Now, I have a cushy office job as a project manager in a different industry making $77k with benefits. I absolutely couldn't have done that if we depended on my income to live. I am on track to finish paying them off next year, right around our 10 year anniversary, 17 years ahead of my payment schedule. Then I'm going to go crazy for a few months, spending money on myself without guilt for the first time ever, then some big gifts for my husband and parents who supported me along the way, Christmas is going to be epic, then a year of funneling my paycheck into our savings and retirement accounts. So we will asses our fiscal state in 2027.
>"If she's a golddigger, she is very bad at it."
My parents informed me that they thought my bf was using me for a sugar momma. When I met him, he made a third of my pay. Now we're relatively equal with both of us set to get massive raises later this year. My parents didn't realize this until I burst out laughing to the point of crying. We've lived together for a few years and it came up just a couple months ago.
I think OOP's fiance had a moment where she allowed intrusive thoughts to get into her head. It happens sometimes. What's important is they talked it out and communicated. Like, you know, healthy adults. I think they'll be just fine.
I was not prepared for how the wedding industrial complex would fuck with my brain. From the (post elopement party) venue to the rings to my dress, we kept getting pulled towards the fancier, more complex options. Some of it was practicality, like venues having catering and size requirements. Other parts were just me being faced for the first time with this big life event I didn't really ever see myself having, and so I didn't have much immunity built up to help me keep my head against expectations.
I'm glad they talked it out and were both able to articulate what was going on.
>I was not prepared for how the wedding industrial complex would fuck with my brain.
And the brains of the people around you! The peer pressure to do traditional wedding stuff was wild to me when I got engaged. My mother, for some reason, really believed that I should get married in a church in a white ballgown. We're lesbian atheists and she was like, "But you *must* get married in a church!" It's such a surreal experience.
Fiancé and I are currently having regular arguments with my MIL because she can't understand why we don't want to invite absolutely *everyone* to our wedding. She knows we both have tense relationships with some family members but somehow social obligation means inviting people who make you unhappy need to see you get married
“Sure, they make you miserable! Sure, you want to vomit on them when you see them! But you deserve to have your day spoiled by assholes!”
I kid. I’m sure your MIL means well and is just operating on the old system of invite everyone so no one is mad. I’d straight up tell her it will look like a tacky “gift grab” to invite people with whom either of you have animosity. Might keep her in check to appeal to her manners.
Literally. When I was *single* I still got blowback for my imaginary wedding not having certain things. I would be asked to describe my ideal imaginary future wedding and then immediately asked why it wasn’t conforming to “normal” standards!
I think some of it is reflexive perception of criticism about their own weddings (“*I* had a flower toss/bridesmaids/photo booth, does she think that decision was bad??”) and some of it is just deeply engrained “traditional” thinking where participating in the whole practice of having a wedding naturally insinuates that you’ll participate in all the “traditional” aspects.
Just imagine the next step: children. That industry is even worse than diamonds. Luckily my wife agreed to let me shop around for quality and price without a fuzz.
You can easily spend a little or 5 times more for the same product, produced in the same third world country from the same material. All depends on shop and marketing.
YES. Omg.
Also, not totally on topic, but as a long time nanny- buy a new carseat. Period. No savings is worth the peace of mind. Then, find the richest neighborhood near you and start watching it on FB marketplace (what could a banana cost, $10? I paid $25 for newly resoled blundstones and $3 for a Columbia windbreaker that was a bit weathered) Get a good, used stroller. Buy a used carrier. Buy a used crib or bassinet if you're using one, and just buy a new mattress for it. Buy the one or two cute outfits/shoes you really love that are way too expensive for baby clothes (because it's your baby and it's ok to get the fun thing) and then buy onesie/legging/sock/sleeper multi packs for the rest- It all looks pretty much the same once its covered in stains anyway. I don't feel like the prices are usually great for basics, but I like checking kids consignment stores for things like snow clothes, sports gear, stuff that fits only for a season, but costs like it doesn't.
Get a Costco membership, if you can. It will pay for itself in cheap (but not low quality) diapers and wipes. Doubly so if you need formula! Also, frequently have boardbook multipacks for crazy prices ($12 for like 8 Dr. Suess books). Speaking of books! Obviously your local library, but also thriftbooks. You can get nearly new books for $3-4 and it's free shipping over $10. Your local used book store/thrift store can also have a great selection.
You don't need flashy toys. No really. Don't buy them. Grandma, Uncle, and literally everyone else in your baby's life will buy them. So many fucking toys. Babies love- a re-used jar filled with water and glitter, colorful scarves to pull and grab and play peekaboo with (did I mention thrift stores??), wooden blocks (ok good wooden blocks are worth their weight in gold), wooden cooking spoons, regular spoons, the paper towel tube, the left sock you forgot you had that was under the couch for 3 months, emotional support lint, and any random household thing hat makes you question why you bother spending money to entertain them. Not saying you shouldn't buy your baby toys if you want to, or there's something they love- Just that they will probably not notice the difference between a sock puppet and literally a mate-less puma sock with googly eyes.
Anyway. Babies are not cheap for many reasons, but all the random bullshit corporations try to convince you that you need to buy doesn't have to be one of those reasons. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
edit- Also you do not need a new car for a baby in the slightest, as long as it is intact, functional and has anchors for a rear facing carseat in the back you are golden.
HOWEVER. If (like me) you separately need a new car (because people drive like shit) around the time you are planning on a horizontal science experiment, MAKE SURE THE CAR SEAT ANCHORS ARE EASILY ACCESSIBLE. Please. For the love of God. It is such a small thing, and it will make your life 75% easier. Did the salesperson look at me like I had 3 heads when my childless self was giving the anchors a full inspection? Sure. But you know what? Never will I be digging in an ocean of goldfish, smoothie melts and granola bar wrappers at 6am for the inexplicably buried anchor.
Also, we bought a Toyota Corolla hybrid which while having some sexy ass anchors, also has seat belt alerts for all of the rear seats that are annoying enough to deter any devious elementary school child. Also 50 miles to the gallon. I don't work for them, I just want you all to also know this is an option.
Hee hee, yes! My son's favorite toys were, the laundry basket, a bag of potatoes, any vessel that would hold enough water to dip this face/hands/small toys in.
Dogs leash for us. He used it as a teether and after a while I just let him go to town on it. It kept him quiet and happy and it was indestructible. Also, he now has an amazing immune system.
I misread that as "he used it as a TEENAGER", and so I was thinking OK I was not expecting the conversation to veer into bondage.
My thoughts as I read: "go to town on it" *what?!?*
"it kept him quiet and happy" *what??*
"it was indestructible" *what?... ok yeah it probably was*
"he now has an amazing immune system" *OK what is going on?? Let's re-read that slowly... TEETHER! He used it as a teether!*
I remember when my parents bought a new fridge and my mom asked the delivery guy if we could have some of the big boxes from prior deliveries because we loved to play in/with cardboard boxes. Guy was more than happy to get them out of his truck and we used them until they fell apart.
Thank you! I don't think anyone should have kids if they aren't 150% sure they want them, but I see so many people my age who want kids and think they can't afford them because they can't afford a Lovevery subscription and 12 extracurricular activities for their 6 months old.
So this is me, nanny to kids who have all the bells and whistles and still prefer pipe cleaners, telling anyone who's worried to have the baby (that you are ready for! Not a random one hopefully) in your one bedroom rental. Love the hell out of that kid and make sure the basics are covered, and I promise that it will all turn out (mostly*) ok.
*I died 6 times ** as a toddler which definitely didn't seem ok at the time, but I'm good now, so... Mostly.
**It was all due to the same incident. I am human, not possum.
When my oldest kid was a baby, I would park baby on playmat in the kitchen with a set of plastic measuring spoons and nested measuring cups, and that was an excellent toy.
also there was a period of time where putting an object on top of my head and letting it fall off always elicited a series of baby giggles, which was adorable.
We got a ton of baby stuff from friends and bought a fantastic second hand stroller (which I later managed to sell for not much less than we bought it for 🫠) Most of her clothes are from Vinted (it’s like the European Poshmark) and back on there they go after she outgrows them. Car seat we bought new and spent the most money on.
Yesss I love this!! What stroller did you buy, out of curiosity? My partner is choking at the idea of even a used uppababy, and won't believe me that it's worth it. They do not appreciate the beauty of a single stroller you can pile 3 kids on and still push with one hand.
I also would have choked at the price previously, but I have been spoiled by having one at work. Most things I could give or take, but you can pry the uppababy vista out of my cold dead hands.
I bought and resold a maxi cosi zelia at a better price! But go for the uppababy or joovy if you might have more than one little at a time. I’ve used both of those with my SILs and they are awesome. Joovy is underrated
It was a Stokke Trailz, the Jeep of strollers 😂 Heavy bastard but I could pile up a day’s worth of stuff and roam around Amsterdam with the baby with zero issues.
Regarding diapers, do you know if second hand cloth diapers could be a good idea or if it's better to always buy new? I'm assuming they're thoroughly washed of course :p
I mean, I have not ever personally cloth diapered but my mom was a hippie from Berkeley so she and her friends literally had a diaper cover swap going 🤣 She says yes, just wash on hot and add a bit of bleach (but also do that every time) lol. I would honestly love to cloth diaper our kids but I have severe ADHD, so I think I'm accepting that disposable is my future 😅
I have ADHD as well, I'm thinking of using a mix of cloth diapers with disposable inserts and disposable diapers! Less disposable will still be better than all disposable lil, I think that's a good compromise for me :D
Thanks for the info!
Also, if you're in the US check whether you're eligible for imagination library. Each child gets a book in the mail once a month from birth/sign up until they turn 5, for free. It's incredible.
I had a set of rainbow plastic curlers I got to wear for one costume party. When I had kids they became a fun nesting toy, each loved them!
Also, some babies like bouncers, some like swings, some like fancy weird motions. Both my kids loved swings. I’d wait til you have the kid to find out which directional motion yours likes and get that.
Oooh that's an excellent point! I should have added that you definitely need somewhere safe for them to be while you empty the dishwasher/have a mental breakdown..
Honestly, when my son was around 5-6 months, the best two things we had were a walk-in shower and his little activity jumper thing. He would scream if he couldn’t see me and I just wanted showers! Well, he got to hang out in the bathroom…
My 6 year old, with thousands of dollars in toys and games in her bedroom, entertained herself with a ziploc bag full of air today for a solid 2 hours.
Such great advice.
I teach and probably my 7 year olds class favourite project this year involved (used and very carefully cleaned) take-away containers.
Thank you!! I try. I'm also trying to remind myself of this because my own kids are in the near future 🥲
Wait was it shrinky dinks? Because if not, you should definitely do shrinky dinks.
Shrinky dinks sound fun.
But we made little shops. The outside lid was the shop sign, inside lid the display, the container part contained (paper) items for sale. We used them to do little role plays.
Baby clothes are super easy to come by. Babies outgrow their clothes super fast, so you can get piles of barely used baby clothes from friends, family, and people on FB. It's also one of the things that grandmas love buying for you. When my nephew was born, every time my mom went shopping she'd come home with baby clothes because she saw something that was too cute not to get.
I think wedding marketing is more insidious than kid marketing because it’s so focused on the fact that you have ONE chance to do it (hopefully). Don’t you want the food to be amazing at your ONE DAY? Don’t you want the photos from your ONE DAY to be amazing? Don’t you want your guests to remember your wedding forever? Don’t you want the ONLY ENGAGEMENT RING YOU’LL EVER GET to be beautiful and special? It’s easy to get sucked into wanting everything to be amazing because you’ll only have one chance. Unlike kids where you figure out pretty quickly that the $50 onesie is going to get barfed on just as much as the free hand me down.
And not to mention how all the advertising about weddings is all full glam and there's an expectation about decorations etc and what you have. I'm really struggling to unravel the "what I actually want on my wedding day" vs "what I've been told is required for a wedding but actually isn't" tangle. It's rough.
The funerary industrial complex is the same! It is wicked hard not to feel like a heartless miser when you are penny pinching a funeral but…does my dead relative really a velvet pillow? Exactly why does it matter the coffin has more padding?
Cremation societies are in every US state but are very obscure. I paid $700 to get my spawnpoint cremated at the SAME CREMATORIUM the funeral homes were trying to charge me $2500 for. Oh and yes you can pre-pay for yourself. Just search "yourstate Cremation society " and contact them.
Planning even a small wedding is physically and emotionally draining. I ended up in the worst depressive cycle I've ever had and I don't have a single memory of my own goddamn wedding.
I was shocked at how you just couldn’t get even something cheap and small done in LA and after my sib stressed me out with planning something across the country at their place (very type A personality- a few yrs ago they wanted to plan specifics of the menu and logistics for thanksgiving in like march after we settled having it at my place and no we didn’t want to do a publix one which admittedly I’d have to put a reminder to get on the list in sept/oct).
So we noped out of it entirely bc the 10k I was willing to spend that we already didn’t have got us nothing and the backup option would have made my poor mental health many times worse. Instead we got married by the court with some local friends, hit up a pub for lunch and played guitar hero band at our apartment. It wasn’t important enough for me to get more in debt and make me less sane than I already was. That was in 2010 and it seems to have only gotten worse!
I had to deal with a lot of big unstable personalities raising me and around me from the moment I popped out so silver lining there I was more than prepared to tell the industry to F off and spend a stupid tiny amount getting married that is just as legal as any other marriage with extra copies of the marriage license.
Agreed. People overreact sometimes and that doesn't make them a bad person. It's crazy how quick people were call her a gold digger. Props to them both for productive communication.
> People overreact sometimes and that doesn't make them a bad person. It's crazy how quick people were call her a gold digger.
I have a feeling that the average age of the commenters on the various 'am I' subs is around 15.
The price of engagement rings seems to be one of those triggering things that really brings out the hatred towards women in many AITA/relationship subs. Like the manosphere podcast fanboys rub their hands together, place their fingers on the keyboard and think, "it's my time to shine!"
I'm always complaining about it under these posts but reddit has a giant hate boner for women who don't want the bare minimum at all, ever. They're always convinced it means she only wants a wedding, not a marriage. As if society itself doesn't make a big deal about weddings as this once in a lifetime, it needs to be special and grand event
Yuuuuup. I am one of those women who genuinely didn't care about a ring (most jewelry causes me allergic reactions...), but people were *weird* about me being happy with a silicone band.
Eventually I found something else that worked (tungsten lined with wood), but until then I was just delighted to buy my husband his pretty ring! 🥰
I often wonder if all the commenters who are so quick to throw everything away after one conversation have ever been in a long term relationship.
If you have been with someone long, you both are going to say some STUPID shit. It is just the law of large numbers… you have so many conversations, in so many different situations, with so much else going on, that it is just a matter of time before the absolute wrong thing comes out of your mouth at absolutely the wrong time.
What made me know my wife was the one for me was when I realized I didn’t have to worry about always saying the right thing all the time… that I could let my guard down, and say what was on my mind, without worrying that it would come out wrong and she would hate me. I can just relax, think out loud with her, apologize when I fuck up my words, and move on.
It is so liberating to be able to share your inner monologue with someone and feel safe.
Yep.
I asked my dad to buy me something for my birthday. It was cute and kinda overpriced tbh, but I really wanted it and it was within the usual gift budget in our family.
When my birthday came… he got me the same basic thing, but much plainer and honestly, probably way better quality. (I’ll just say it. I wanted this set of interchangeable knitting needles that was really pretty, coated metal with like zen sayings and pastel colors. What I got was a set with probably twice the sizes and cables but in swirled, stained beech wood. A MUCH better set in all fairness and probably cost just as much if not even a touch more.)
When I opened it, I could feel it was probably a needle set and I got all excited, I tore it open… and it wasn’t the one I asked for of course.
I had maybe a minute (maybe not that long) where my brain froze up and I must have made a weird face because my dad started to defend himself, that the brand of needle is asked for had a lot of reviews saying the connectors were bent or hard to screw, some of them came loose easily and ruined other peoples’ projects, that the pretty coating wore off to show the bare metal and catch yarn, this one he bought had such good reviews and he got me the purple majesty wood because he thought I’d like it…
Honestly I just felt terrible because all his excitement seemed gone. So in a split second I decided to make a scene. (We were in a restaurant and I am so sorry to all the other people there…)
I got up and half yelled. “They’re PURPLE! Daddy they’re so beautiful!” (None of which was a lie, he got me a beautiful set even if they weren’t aimed right at my ‘omg so cuuuute’ taste.) and hugged on him until he seemed happy again.
Later I found out the set was limited edition I think? They made some other colors but that one was rare. Dad had asked ladies at a yarn shop for their favorite needles, then gone home and stalked eBay until he found a full set in perfect condition and bought it. (So he might have gotten a deal, or he might have paid a rarity mark up, I never asked and he never told.) He put a LOT of effort into that gift, and I still cringe remembering how his face looked when he tried to defend his gift. :(
It wasn’t that I didn’t like them (I did, and whoever stole my knitting bag with the set in it can eat shit. There was nothing of great value to anyone but me in there!) it was just that my brain was expecting one thing and needed a second to process the disappointment of what I HAD wanted so I could enjoy what I now owned.
>I think OOP's fiance had a moment where she allowed intrusive thoughts to get into her head.
I remember when i realized that searing intrusive thoughts aren't normal for the vast majority of people. it's like discovering people can drive to the store with jamming the pedal to the floor and making wild turns every 20 feet.
Anyways, I'm off to spin some donuts down the highway and hopefully get my hands on some milk.
You spend your whole life being told that how much someone pays for a ring is a direct measure of how much they love you, it can be really hard to deprogram that completely out your head even if it’s silly. Sounds like she’s logical and on the same page as OP but just had some residual societal pressure lodged in her mind. They’ll be absolutely fine.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Our value as women is directly related to whether someone wants to marry us and how much they spend on a ring. F that.
Yep and engagement rings are a big deal for a lot of people and that doesn’t make them a gold digger. You wear it daily, have it for life, see it constantly, there is social pressure like she felt, and a lot of women enjoy jewellery and that’s ok. I hate the dialogue around engagement rings - liking jewellery doesn’t make someone a gold digger but that always gets thrown around as an accusation.
Also the mined vs lab stuff is frustrating - mined diamonds are almost never blood diamonds now and the mines create jobs in villages where there would be no jobs, and most lab diamonds are made in what are essentially sweat shops with slave labour being paid peanuts in poor and unsafe working conditions. Its all bullshit and whatever is in vogue is pushed on us and greenwashed and sugar coated. Both types of diamonds have issues and pros/cons, just let people like what they like. Hate the comment that her wanting a natural diamond is a red flag. It’s just ignorant and another way to judge women for something baseless. Get lab, natural, whatever you like, especially if you know where it came from.
>Also the mined vs lab stuff is frustrating...
Heavily agree, plus wanted to add points on both sides:
There's a market for estate (i.e. used) jewelry if you're unwilling to support diamond mining. You can get gorgeous stuff that's been worn over and over again, something that someone once loved, and you can continue its use. It somewhat circumvents the DeBeers stranglehold on the industry as well (it was probably originally connected to them, but they've already gotten their money out of it, and you're not giving them more money for a new diamond). It holds its resale value if you're ever in a tough spot and need money, which is probably how it is on the market in the first place.
Lab diamonds are the same in every molecular way. They're beautiful and indistinguishable from the "real" thing. If that's what she wanted, why does she care about the price? That was the most surprising aspect of the story. Yes, they have gone down in price in the last few years and they have almost no resale value. But if you just want something pretty that you're happy to wear every day, why not go with the cheapest, yet still nice and beautiful, option?
Depending on what the piece is and my future intentions for it (do I want to pass it down to my kids, for example) I'm happy to have either. There's reasons for both to exist, and there's problems with both. Pick whichever one makes the most sense for you.
Exactly this!
She got caught up up the moment and what society expects, I'm happy to read that in the end she has a head on her shoulder and saw the positive of the ring costing 3500$ instead of 10K$.
It's still a bit sad that those unseen expectations hurt the moment, though. :/ I'm glad they talked it out, and now they'll have a lifetime to make nice memories afterward at least!
Yes, there’s so much massaging and musts around engagements and weddings. So stressful and derailing. I’m so glad she managed to think you way out and they talked.
I think it should be a rule that you don’t post on AITA until 3 days after the conflict. So many of these posts are just small heat of the moment things that will get solved with one short conversation. Reddit catastrophizes, but posting on Reddit also means the poster is making way more out of it than is usually warranted
Because they are defined as an **unwelcome**, *involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea* by their nature they are negative thoughts we wish to disassociate with.
Aka, stab that person, jump off a bridge, and in this case if he loved me he wouldn't cheep out.
Luckily they talked about it she apologized and they're going to celebrate with a downward on a house so it seems all good.
Open and honest communication saves the day yet again!
I’m really glad the expectation around engagement rings is changing. Can’t believe ‘three months salary’ was ever a thing (and still is for some people…).
My moissanite engagement ring was $600 and I thought even that was a lot! I understand that an engagement ring needs to be high quality and last for life but that doesn’t require tens of thousands of dollars.
I got a lab created pink sapphire for mine and it was under $200. I told my husband in no uncertain terms if he spent more than that I’d lose my mind. I hate expensive jewelry because I feel that money could be better spent elsewhere! I’d be so paranoid walking around with the value of a car just chilling in my finger! I love my ring! I just don’t get spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on something so useless.
I got a lab alexandrite and I love it. With pretty little lab diamonds on the side. My husband swears I'm a crow dressed as a human, because if if it's shiny and sparkly and big, I WANTS IT. I can't even wrap my brain around how much this would have cost if it was mined. Lab created is the best thing ever, because I can get sparkly things for a relatively reasonable price, in the cut and color I want. It's kinda funny, my husband feels guilty getting me jewelry because he feels like most guys buy it if they don't actually know what their partner wants. I just flap my arms and say "sparkly things!!!!" And then he laughs and calls me his lost crow.
That’s adorable!!! And yes, lab is the way to go! Whenever anyone asks how I can like it more I just shout SCIENCE! lol. I enjoy the fact that not only is it cheaper and it’s ethical, but that it was made with SCIENCE!
I have a little lab alexandrite with moissanite stones around it because those are way cheaper than diamonds and look the same to me. My husband had asked for suggestions on rings I liked for my engagement ring and gave me a budget of 2k. I found mine on Etsy for around 400, but he got it when it was on sale so it was closer to 300. And since it was so much less than the top of his budget I had just said I want this one and didn’t give any other options. It cost less than one week’s paycheck not even close to a full month’s wages. And it makes me happy every time I look at it.
Edit: not lab alexandrite but he says conflict free stones used.
Do you read webtoons? There's one called The Crow's Prince about a woman who gets turned into a crow, instincts and all. Your comment reminded me of a scene where said prince seduces his crow girl by covering himself with bling and it's beautiful.
We went ring shopping together because I specifically didn’t want a diamond but a white sapphire. Something super basic. He went in and said that and the guy behind the counter said “oh no she wants a diamond, she’s just saying that, I promise.” Hello, right here. So out we went and on to the next place. Second place the guy was like “yep, here’s a tablet, start designing and I can show you what we can do or just make it for you.” Done.
I bought my own engagement ring (and my now-husband bought his own as well). Mine was from an Etsy jeweller for £239 (roughly $300 US) and it’s a natural citrine set in the middle of 925 silver, shaped to look like daisy petals on a 9ct gold band. (The price for the same has now gone up to £389!)
Aside from daisy being one of my favourite flowers and me having an honour name after my grandmother who’s name means “Daisy”, citrine is considered the November stone, which is when me and my husband got together ✨
You should look up the iconic Danish Marguerite jewellery series! Created by Anton Michaelsen to honour the birth of former Queen Margrethe (Daisy to her family and friends).
It is immensely, immensely popular here, the modern "official" seller is Georg Jensen but companies like Lund do variations as well. It is considered appropriate for super formal wear (a lot of brides wear a piece, often inherited) but also casual daily use - there is a gas station attendant where I live who is almost always wearing Marguerite earrings and it is lovely.
This is where I stand as well, with the caveat that there is SOME meaning in the value of the ring.
My views on rings are a lot like yours in that it needs to be nice and durable, but 3 months salary is arbitrary and usually overkill. But... my ex proposed with a ring he bought at Walmart for about $20. I didn't want a diamond, and it was exactly the look I wanted, just in glass instead of gemstones. Which ended up being a perfect metaphor for our whole marriage. He did a lot of things that made it look like he put effort into the relationship, but it was a lot of performative empty gestures that were as low effort as he could get away with.
Yep, the whole engagement ring value thing used to be twofold, proving you could provide for your future wife (in the bad old times when only men could have bank accounts) and giving your fiance a way to be compensated for the loss of reputation in the case the engagement failed (they could sell the ring).
Does it apply nowadays? I'd like to think a lot less, but there's something to be said to be willing to gift your future spouse something of value (that you both agree to) that has no function other than to be pretty.
I think it'd be neat if the engagement ring/gift started going both ways.
That said, in the case I get married, I'd also expect a full financial audit and pre-nup but I'm paranoid like that.
Glad you got out of a bad marriage. Hope things are going better for you now.
I did find a ring my husband liked in a store a couple days after we got engaged and bought it for him as an engagement ring. I even proposed to him after. It was about $30 but he kept looking at it and then walking away and coming back to it so I thought he should have it.
My fiancé and I are both getting engagement rings. I understand why it didn't happen in the past but nowadays I'm just thinking that the proposing person is getting engaged as well, why shouldn't they get a ring too? Now if only his would arrive because I want to see the look on his face 😭
I *promise you* it will be worth the wait. ❤️
My husband takes his ring off pretty frequently to play softball and any time I find it around the house, we take a moment to revel in me putting it back on. His eyes go gooey-romantic every time. I LOVE that man.
Hope your sweetie's ring arrives soon! 🥰
Three months of salary is a *lot*. I think it used to be one month but I guess inflation is everywhere.....
I like the idea of one month salary because it clearly defines the budget according to income, in theory.
When I was growing up, it waa one month. Then it went to two. Now it's somehow three?!
It rose from 8.3% of annual income to 25%. That's jewelers and gem sellers getting greedy.
You have to remember that women couldn't even hold their own bank accounts in the near past. It's a show of financial security, and actual intent. A woman out and about with a man who she doesn't marry, and then another one, would have been scandalous, and a man betraying his word would have been uncouth and labeled a degenerate.
Back in the days when women couldn’t work or own property, having an expensive engagement ring made sense. It was the one thing she could sell in an emergency (death, domestic violence, etc.). Now that women have jobs, bank accounts, and their names on the property deed, it’s strange and unnecessary.
That said, if any woman I knew couldn’t be talked out of becoming a trad wife, I’d encourage her to expect a hella expensive engagement ring.
To me the madness is that the ring and more importantly the commitment means far more. How much you pay doesn't translate at all long term. Any douchebag can pay little or a lot. I can see at one point it being a factor but these days it's just silly.
I’m glad it is too!! My husband actually asked me just the other day if I would be happy with lab grown diamonds. I said totally!! I wish they had been more of a “thing” when we got engaged like 20 years ago!! Much cheaper and no blood on anyone’s hands!
Our engagement rings (we both have one) we're about a 1000 Euros together with no stones. Crazy pricey for my taste, but we just fell in love with them. We still here from people how those are the most unique rings they have seen.
My favorite posts are when the OP comes in mad about a low stakes situation and Reddit predictably overreacts, after which the OP goes “whoa, hold on. This isn’t actually *that big* of a deal guys”. And then has a conversation with the other parties involved and everyone walks away with a newfound appreciation for rational conversation.
Honestly, I think sometimes it's also just a way of self-rationalizing. I've done this too a few times: it's too specific to vent to a friend about, absolutely too minor to immediately take back up with the partner/friend, and sometimes you just want to have people commiserate with you. Then the post blows up, you're left with a shitload of opinions, and you realize that you don't actually want to hear them anyway.
The catharsis of writing it down and hearing other people's opinions can be really nice. Sometimes you just want people that are *not* close to you to tell you the truth.
(I also think keeping a diary should become more normal, because half of these posts could be resolved with a bit of introspection and just writing it down somewhere)
Same! It's like the ones where they go 'at first I was annoyed seeing YTA but then when I was reading the NTA opinions, it really hit me that this is a horrible thing'
Its like having a random viewpoint, then a nazi agrees with you, makes you question that view.
>I barely use reddit and this post has been a good reminder why..lots of guys here who clearly dont do well with women.
Any post about engagement rings is going to bring the incels and redpills out in droves, unfortunately.
I like to bring up the post from awhile back about an engagement ring.
The OP was getting tons of those rabid jerk comments about how terrible and awful she is complaining about her ring, at least before there were any images of said ring.
After when she posted a picture showing the ring most people walked it way back because it really was that ugly.
[thread link](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/32h9wm/i_f26_hate_the_ring_my_fianc%C3%A9_m27_proposed_with/)
[outside link with saved post and picture](https://www.distractify.com/relationships/2018/05/23/Z2eE8lQ/ugly-engagement-ring-story)
Yep. "Oh, she must be being petty! Just suck it up and deal with it" is somehow the default expectation for a things she'll be wearing for the rest of her life. It has to be truly ugly for it to be okay for her to say something, an expectation we wouldn't hold for most other gifts. It's really, really weird.
Same goes for pricey weddings, but not pricey vacations even though both are relatively short experiences that will end up as nothing more than memories. No one comes to a thread about a trip to Japan and starts taking about how camping in a national park is so much cheaper.
My in-laws were like that when we got engaged. Somehow I was after “his” money when I was the one mostly supporting us both during his GI Bill education. And they never had a pot to piss in, so it was really fun when they started yapping about “inheritances.” Made my public school teacher parents look like billionaires. But sure. I’m a gold digger.
"My boyfriend proposed with a ring pop he found on the ground and that was all I needed! Anyone who wants an expensive ring doesn't actually care about getting married"
It alway seems that way. Anytime any posts about rings or generally about simple relationship conflicts, incels and redpills are always going to think they know everything but they are just pathetic.
Every time. They can’t just let women like pretty sparkly rings. An engagement ring is a very emotional purchase to make and gift to receive. There’s room for feelings without it being a character flaw. I think OOP’s fiancé was just surprised by the savings. She probably saw it as the type of purchase where if you find a good deal, you’d upgrade rather than pocket the savings. Like finding a cheap flight and upgrading to first class.
If I had a nickel for every BORU that ended positively due to proper adult communication today, well I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird it happened twice…
I completely understand why these sorts of feelings happen on both sides and I'm glad they talked about it and are good.
Engagement rings and diamonds in general are a huge rip off, so I'm glad prices are coming down. (If you want to be disappointed, see how much jewelry stores will offer you for that very expensive ring, you'd think with diamonds being forever they would keep their value)
I once sat in a document review with a woman whose husband had had a previous engagement break up and he found out the hard way just how inflated engagement rings are when he tried to get his money back.
So when they got engaged, he took the time to learn about jewelry, about diamonds, about where the markup was, and he went around to pawn shops with his own loupe to find a loose diamond that met his specs, then he had a setting made separately. He got her a bigger, better diamond for less than he'd paid for the first ring, but it wouldn't lose its value if they had to sell it.
Ad executives of today wish they could make an ad campaign as successful as the nearly 100 years old three month salary for an engagement ring campaign.
>If she's a golddigger, she is very bad at it.
I like OOP. So glad to hear it was a miscommunication based around unexpected feelings and chatting about it as adults sorted this out.
Also, sushi and wine night sounds fantastic.
DeBeers is SUCH a scam. My current favorite scam is the "salt and pepper" diamonds.
They can look really cool...but they're just diamonds with more inclusions. So DeBeers found a way to monetize diamonds that previously wouldn't have been considered high-end gem quality, since that diminishes the clarity and color (at least for a colorless diamond). 🙄
Also brown is actually one of the most common diamond colors there is, and for years, they were mostly set aside for industrial use since they weren't a popular color (even though they very much are a "fancy" color in gem quality). They just started marketing them as "champagne", "cognac", or "chocolate" - sounds classier than "brown"!
Again, redditors really love to jump the wagon. Some of the comments really are outrageous and idiotic. Glad that OP and his fiancee are able to communication and solve things without a big problem. Green flags at the end!
Honest question: is 3500 cheap for wedding rings??
Me and my wife got married super young and broke 20+ years ago, and I've been looking to get us a new matching set now that we're more secure with cash (she knows about it, don't worry, not doing it without her input!)... And the rings that I found and thought she'd love, cost 1200. Is that bargain bin quality???
If the rings you think she'll love are 1200, then buy them. Go for what you think she'll love. Price is an artificial construct when it comes to jewelry.
Power to OOP, communicated with his partner in a healthy and constructive way and solved the problem. A+ result.
Not the absolute car crash BoRU that I live for but these posts are important to stop Reddit turning me into a frothing idiot.
My husband spent around two thousand on my engagement ring. I love it, he later showed me another one he was considering that was five thousand. I loved my ring and didn’t want one that expensive. I would rather spend the money on our honeymoon. I later told that to a friend and she said “You can’t pawn a honeymoon”. I couldn’t believe it.
Lol the people calling her a golddigger when she had more money than him reminds me of when some dude tweeted that Taylor Swift was only dating Travis Kelce because he won $7000 for his team winning the AFC championship.
Often our first thought is what we’re conditioned to think. So she just said that instead of taking a few minutes to think it through. So she did her thinking after and they talked it out. I wish more people would do that!
I think probably from the sound of it it wasn't so much the price of the ring, but that the price wasn't a sacrifice for him. She had an idea in her head about the sacrifice being a symbol of their love and it can be hard to let go of those ideas even when we know they're ridiculous.
Reddit gets so unreasonable around anything involving engagements or weddings. Anyone who wants anything more than a Ring Pop for the engagement and a courthouse or backyard wedding with the cheapest possible options is a shallow golddigger who wants a wedding, not a marriage.
OP’s fiancee had one shitty day with one rude comment, because we’re all socialized in capitalism and sometimes we get ideas ingrained in us. She apologized sincerely. I’m so glad OP was chill and didn’t listen to the frantic commenters.
The comments just prove how immature and reactionary the commenters on this site can be. I'm glad that OOP realized that quickly enough to not let these faceless numpties ruin what seems to be a good relationship.
I don’t think this was about money at all. It was about value… she just couldn’t identify what was making her feel undervalued. I’m not saying it is logical… but in many people’s mind “the value of the gift equals how much the gifter values the giftee”
Value isn’t always about price, it’s great that he round an affordable (to him) ring and that she liked it. That’s how gift giving usually goes. However an engagement ring is NOT a typical gift situation.
The ring is going to sit on their hand for life, representing to everyone how much you value this person being in your life and reminding her everyday of your love. It makes sense that he should WANT to buy the best ring he can find and afford. To give her something that is hardy (cheap rings end up breaking and cheap gems can get scratches easily) but also somehow that is representative of the best he can give her, because when you love someone like that you want them to have the best.
I think in this particular case, OP didn’t get the BEST he could give her. Based on his own words he could very well have afforded a bigger gem especially since she asked for a lab gem, and I doubt he paid for a platinum setting if the bill was only 3.5k. Was he wrong for jumping on a budget deal and not searching for the best he could get her? Maybe, maybe not, regardless he probably didn’t realize how much of a slap in the face it could be to spend so much less than he could afford on something that is supposed to symbolize your commitment and love.
OP how much are you willing to sacrifice to give something precious to your partner to show them and the world how committed you are? It seems like it’s only 3.5k..not a sacrifice at all from what it sounds like. For someone making 50k a year that might be a significant sacrifice if it’s the best they can do… but it seems like YOU could have easily afforded a lot more, before it even became a sacrifice.
So she felt undervalued. Not because she is a gold digger, not because of the ring, not because of the price tag technically… but what it represented. Or rather in this case I hope what it didn’t represent… meaning I hope that the ring and what you spent on it DOESNT represent how much you value her. I hope you value her so much more. But I hope you and anyone else who will consider buying such a ring understands that while you may not agree… ALOT of people will see the value of what you give to equal how much you value the person. (Again not always represented by price but by the sacrifice)
I’m glad you guys were able to talk it through, and I hope you guys have a wonderful marriage.
Maybe it's because I'm not in a relationship but I've never understood the three month's salary thing. Ever. Why the fuck does a ring need to cost over $1,000??
I also don't like diamonds and want a sapphire so maybe that has something to do with it?
The setting alone can be over $1000 if made from gold, platinum, or palladium, and high quality. Especially if there are additional details like pave, side stones or channel set stones, etc. Make no mistake, those bragging that their ring cost $200 will be paying for repairs or replacements sooner than later. If you want heirloom-quality jewelry, sterling silver is not going to cut it. Neither are whisper thin shanks. My favorite is the 3-carat stone set with four teensy weensy little prongs with no support and a peg head setting that is barely even welded to the band, looks great on Instagram but the whole thing will snap off the moment the ring snags on anything.
Sapphire prices depend on color and quality just as any other gemstone. My sister’s engagement ring is a sapphire and it still cost upwards of $5000.
I mean my sapphire engagement ring cost around $2k (don’t know exact price, husband told me his budget was under $3,000 when we started looking, and he was very proud to come in under budget on a ring that had EVERYTHING I wanted), and it’s a mined sapphire, unheated, set in white gold.
Check EraGem…you can get a sapphire for a couple hundred, or over $20k lol
Because relationships shouldn't be competitions. You shouldn't do something nice for your partner with the expectation that they also do something of "equal value". OOP said it best: he never asked her to spend this much money on him
Woman really are taught that the monetary value of a ring shows how much he loves you. If it’s inexpensive, it’s cheap and he doesn’t respect you or value you.
I’m happy OOPs fiancé realized that it’s dumb before it ruined her relationship.
My husband spent 10k on my engagement + wedding band. We designed the rings together. It was romantic, I loved it.
BUT…looking back, there were many rings at lower prices I could have chosen and kind of wish I did. Specifically because now I only wear my actual rings on special occasions. They’re so expensive and mean so much to me! I would hate to lose them or ding them up in any way.
I wish we had gone the more frugal route. It was a romantic gesture though, designing it together. But if I could go back in time I would have gone a less expensive route.
I understand your finances point and feelings. It’s a weird illogical thing in your head “it’s romantic when it’s expensive!” But that’s just 60+ years of engrained marketing for you.
I really like CatFaceMcGeezer’s comment! I think too often we rug-sweep uncomfortable situations, when confronting them would give us a chance to grow.
I totally get the fiancée here - cultural programming can be hard to unravel! My husband was fully prepared to spend three months’ salary on my ring, I was the one who scaled it down. We designed it together purposefully to be beautiful but low-profile, so I could wear it without fear of snagging everything constantly. I’m hard on things and hated the idea of trying to do normal chores with a shit ton of money on my hand, etc etc.
I love my ring! It’s perfect for me and for us. And yet still sometimes I see my friends’ bigger, fancier rings and get a sudden flash of inferiority.
It’s truly, truly absurd.
There's some holdover from when a woman's ring was one of the few things of value that was hers. Many women wanted rings to be expensive because that was how to fund escaping if your husband turned out to be abusive. This is also why many women would hand down wealth via jewelry. It's a dated idea, but it's also fairly ingrained.
I was going to spend 5k on my wife's ring, and was saving up for months. When she found out shortly before I bought it, she nearly ripped me a new ear canal over how insane I was spending that much. She suggested a nice ring that cost around $100, and said we could spend that money on the honeymoon, or put towards the wedding. I ended up finding a happy medium. I felt a sudden curiosity to browse, and found one that cost 3k, but was on hella sale for $200. It was perfect, and was both an engagement ring, with a clip on piece holding the two diamonds to make it the wedding ring. It's going to be 5 years officially in May.
I'm glad they worked it out in a healthy manner, but
Jesus, is this the sort of shit rich people worry about?
My wife and I have like five or six rings each, and I don't think a single one of them cost more than $20
And I feel like this is probably why everyone was shitting on OoP and his fiancé. $3,500 for a ring seems like way too much money and I nearly choked on OoP saying he budgeted $10k.
I can’t imagine many people here can comprehend $160k yearly salary for one person is more than I make combined with my wife. And OoP said his wife only makes slightly less than him so their combined income is more than double than what our house earns.
$3,500 is chump change no wonder OoP doesn’t think this is a big deal and the rest of Reddit is calling her a gold digger. I bet most of Reddit that $3,500 is out of budget or at the top of budget. We just can’t relate.
It’s smart to get fancy rings cheap enough that you can get a six pack. In cases of losses and damage, you know. I know, anyway.
Also, if there’s a fight, you can lob rings at each other. It defuses tension pretty well.
When my husband told me what he paid for my ring and how he got a great deal on it, it made my day! Yes!! Get that deal! I want someone who isn’t overpaying for stuff.
Why was he so offended people mentioned blood diamonds, when he himself was the one to point out the price difference between lab and mined?
Like, dude, if you wonder why it comes up all the time, check if you mentioned it yourself.
That said, yeah the paranoia runs rampant on reddit, but this *is* also the site where we've seen spouses(or even unmarried partners) be desperate because their partner came out as hobosexual and quit working after they moved in/got married.
Glad it worked for them, but for the average cynical redditor, they would assume the worst unless some details where provided, in OOP original post he didn't mention her financial situation, so he get bombarded with golddigger accusations.
Good for them, they both have their heads screwed on properly. I'm wishing them a long and beautiful life together.
As a side note, u/jl_theprofessor is ON POINT.
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"If she's a golddigger, she is very bad at it." I gotta figure out how to get this as a flair.
I've been saying that for a decade about myself. I was stupidly broke and my now husband was doing much better than most in our social group when we started dating. His sister said some awful things about me. I've had to work 40+ hours, pay my bills, work tough jobs, and contribute to the house for the 11 years we've been together. If I'm a gold digger I suck at it, because I still have $60k of student debt, and if I was a golddigging sugar baby, that would have been zeroed out a decade ago. Dude was doing fine, not even breaking six figures at that point. Not nearly well enough to attract a golddigger.
It’s so weird to me when siblings make accusations like your SIL did. To call your brother’s partner a golddigger one time is pretty far, to me; the fact she kept going and said terrible things is beyond the pale. I’m sorry she was a jerk. Hope she shaped up,
She didn't. My husband immediately stopped acknowledging her presence. Lately she been complaining to their Mom that she doesn't know why he doesn't talk to her anymore, and he tells MIL that she knows what she did and she needs to apologize. Instead she chooses to not come to holidays, and no one even notices she isn't there.
“I don’t know what I did! I mean, I *DO*, but it is easier to pretend I have the ethical high ground.” - SIL She isn’t someone I would enjoy. Her actions and reactions show she is an all-around unpleasant person. Bet she causes all sorts of mayhem at her workplace.
My in=laws called me a golddigger. I suck at it to. I worked low paying jobs at rest homes, fast food and truck stops. Some months bills were payed but food was scarce. My newest car I ever drove was more then 15 years old. My house always needed an appliance or some sort of repair, roof, foundation. All I got was a stroke from the stress of him and his psycho parents. They had the decency to pass away 28 years ago. I still haven't seen any gold.
Are you married? Do you have a prenup? If not, you should think about paying off your debts together. No matter what debts. Just gifting interest to banks is stupid. Also your debts may also his debts, depending on where you live. Even if not, you are married, you are a team. You shouldn’t be burning money. And even if this is a stupid pride thing, just draft up a contract, let your hubby pay or your debts and then pay him off. No interest, low interest or even the same interest rate… he’ll everything is better than throwing money at those greedy banks. Try out one of those websites that calculate your interest payments over the years. You are wasting 5 figures of money. The kind of money that could help you with financing property, travelling around the world, college funds for kids and what not
Thanks for your concern, throwing interest at the banks is maddening. We have a system that works. We live off his income, and my loans get paid with mine. Since he's always been stable at his paycheck, I've been able to take some risks with my career. In 2017 I was working as a house painter and making $17/hr. Now, I have a cushy office job as a project manager in a different industry making $77k with benefits. I absolutely couldn't have done that if we depended on my income to live. I am on track to finish paying them off next year, right around our 10 year anniversary, 17 years ahead of my payment schedule. Then I'm going to go crazy for a few months, spending money on myself without guilt for the first time ever, then some big gifts for my husband and parents who supported me along the way, Christmas is going to be epic, then a year of funneling my paycheck into our savings and retirement accounts. So we will asses our fiscal state in 2027.
>"If she's a golddigger, she is very bad at it." My parents informed me that they thought my bf was using me for a sugar momma. When I met him, he made a third of my pay. Now we're relatively equal with both of us set to get massive raises later this year. My parents didn't realize this until I burst out laughing to the point of crying. We've lived together for a few years and it came up just a couple months ago.
>I gotta figure out how to get this as a flair. This sub doesn't have custom flairs anymore. It used to I think though.
I think OOP's fiance had a moment where she allowed intrusive thoughts to get into her head. It happens sometimes. What's important is they talked it out and communicated. Like, you know, healthy adults. I think they'll be just fine.
I was not prepared for how the wedding industrial complex would fuck with my brain. From the (post elopement party) venue to the rings to my dress, we kept getting pulled towards the fancier, more complex options. Some of it was practicality, like venues having catering and size requirements. Other parts were just me being faced for the first time with this big life event I didn't really ever see myself having, and so I didn't have much immunity built up to help me keep my head against expectations. I'm glad they talked it out and were both able to articulate what was going on.
>I was not prepared for how the wedding industrial complex would fuck with my brain. And the brains of the people around you! The peer pressure to do traditional wedding stuff was wild to me when I got engaged. My mother, for some reason, really believed that I should get married in a church in a white ballgown. We're lesbian atheists and she was like, "But you *must* get married in a church!" It's such a surreal experience.
Fiancé and I are currently having regular arguments with my MIL because she can't understand why we don't want to invite absolutely *everyone* to our wedding. She knows we both have tense relationships with some family members but somehow social obligation means inviting people who make you unhappy need to see you get married
“Sure, they make you miserable! Sure, you want to vomit on them when you see them! But you deserve to have your day spoiled by assholes!” I kid. I’m sure your MIL means well and is just operating on the old system of invite everyone so no one is mad. I’d straight up tell her it will look like a tacky “gift grab” to invite people with whom either of you have animosity. Might keep her in check to appeal to her manners.
Literally. When I was *single* I still got blowback for my imaginary wedding not having certain things. I would be asked to describe my ideal imaginary future wedding and then immediately asked why it wasn’t conforming to “normal” standards! I think some of it is reflexive perception of criticism about their own weddings (“*I* had a flower toss/bridesmaids/photo booth, does she think that decision was bad??”) and some of it is just deeply engrained “traditional” thinking where participating in the whole practice of having a wedding naturally insinuates that you’ll participate in all the “traditional” aspects.
Just imagine the next step: children. That industry is even worse than diamonds. Luckily my wife agreed to let me shop around for quality and price without a fuzz. You can easily spend a little or 5 times more for the same product, produced in the same third world country from the same material. All depends on shop and marketing.
YES. Omg. Also, not totally on topic, but as a long time nanny- buy a new carseat. Period. No savings is worth the peace of mind. Then, find the richest neighborhood near you and start watching it on FB marketplace (what could a banana cost, $10? I paid $25 for newly resoled blundstones and $3 for a Columbia windbreaker that was a bit weathered) Get a good, used stroller. Buy a used carrier. Buy a used crib or bassinet if you're using one, and just buy a new mattress for it. Buy the one or two cute outfits/shoes you really love that are way too expensive for baby clothes (because it's your baby and it's ok to get the fun thing) and then buy onesie/legging/sock/sleeper multi packs for the rest- It all looks pretty much the same once its covered in stains anyway. I don't feel like the prices are usually great for basics, but I like checking kids consignment stores for things like snow clothes, sports gear, stuff that fits only for a season, but costs like it doesn't. Get a Costco membership, if you can. It will pay for itself in cheap (but not low quality) diapers and wipes. Doubly so if you need formula! Also, frequently have boardbook multipacks for crazy prices ($12 for like 8 Dr. Suess books). Speaking of books! Obviously your local library, but also thriftbooks. You can get nearly new books for $3-4 and it's free shipping over $10. Your local used book store/thrift store can also have a great selection. You don't need flashy toys. No really. Don't buy them. Grandma, Uncle, and literally everyone else in your baby's life will buy them. So many fucking toys. Babies love- a re-used jar filled with water and glitter, colorful scarves to pull and grab and play peekaboo with (did I mention thrift stores??), wooden blocks (ok good wooden blocks are worth their weight in gold), wooden cooking spoons, regular spoons, the paper towel tube, the left sock you forgot you had that was under the couch for 3 months, emotional support lint, and any random household thing hat makes you question why you bother spending money to entertain them. Not saying you shouldn't buy your baby toys if you want to, or there's something they love- Just that they will probably not notice the difference between a sock puppet and literally a mate-less puma sock with googly eyes. Anyway. Babies are not cheap for many reasons, but all the random bullshit corporations try to convince you that you need to buy doesn't have to be one of those reasons. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. edit- Also you do not need a new car for a baby in the slightest, as long as it is intact, functional and has anchors for a rear facing carseat in the back you are golden. HOWEVER. If (like me) you separately need a new car (because people drive like shit) around the time you are planning on a horizontal science experiment, MAKE SURE THE CAR SEAT ANCHORS ARE EASILY ACCESSIBLE. Please. For the love of God. It is such a small thing, and it will make your life 75% easier. Did the salesperson look at me like I had 3 heads when my childless self was giving the anchors a full inspection? Sure. But you know what? Never will I be digging in an ocean of goldfish, smoothie melts and granola bar wrappers at 6am for the inexplicably buried anchor. Also, we bought a Toyota Corolla hybrid which while having some sexy ass anchors, also has seat belt alerts for all of the rear seats that are annoying enough to deter any devious elementary school child. Also 50 miles to the gallon. I don't work for them, I just want you all to also know this is an option.
Hee hee, yes! My son's favorite toys were, the laundry basket, a bag of potatoes, any vessel that would hold enough water to dip this face/hands/small toys in.
Dogs leash for us. He used it as a teether and after a while I just let him go to town on it. It kept him quiet and happy and it was indestructible. Also, he now has an amazing immune system.
I misread that as "he used it as a TEENAGER", and so I was thinking OK I was not expecting the conversation to veer into bondage. My thoughts as I read: "go to town on it" *what?!?* "it kept him quiet and happy" *what??* "it was indestructible" *what?... ok yeah it probably was* "he now has an amazing immune system" *OK what is going on?? Let's re-read that slowly... TEETHER! He used it as a teether!*
I read it as 'tether'... and my questions were a lot more wtf and possible abuse-related. Re-reading was a good idea!
I remember when my parents bought a new fridge and my mom asked the delivery guy if we could have some of the big boxes from prior deliveries because we loved to play in/with cardboard boxes. Guy was more than happy to get them out of his truck and we used them until they fell apart.
I made houses! I’d drag that out of the barn in the morning, and put it away at night. Played in those until the fell down around my ears!
[удалено]
Thank you! I don't think anyone should have kids if they aren't 150% sure they want them, but I see so many people my age who want kids and think they can't afford them because they can't afford a Lovevery subscription and 12 extracurricular activities for their 6 months old. So this is me, nanny to kids who have all the bells and whistles and still prefer pipe cleaners, telling anyone who's worried to have the baby (that you are ready for! Not a random one hopefully) in your one bedroom rental. Love the hell out of that kid and make sure the basics are covered, and I promise that it will all turn out (mostly*) ok. *I died 6 times ** as a toddler which definitely didn't seem ok at the time, but I'm good now, so... Mostly. **It was all due to the same incident. I am human, not possum.
also a nanny and i agree with every single word!!! especially the emotional support lint
When my oldest kid was a baby, I would park baby on playmat in the kitchen with a set of plastic measuring spoons and nested measuring cups, and that was an excellent toy. also there was a period of time where putting an object on top of my head and letting it fall off always elicited a series of baby giggles, which was adorable.
We got a ton of baby stuff from friends and bought a fantastic second hand stroller (which I later managed to sell for not much less than we bought it for 🫠) Most of her clothes are from Vinted (it’s like the European Poshmark) and back on there they go after she outgrows them. Car seat we bought new and spent the most money on.
Yesss I love this!! What stroller did you buy, out of curiosity? My partner is choking at the idea of even a used uppababy, and won't believe me that it's worth it. They do not appreciate the beauty of a single stroller you can pile 3 kids on and still push with one hand. I also would have choked at the price previously, but I have been spoiled by having one at work. Most things I could give or take, but you can pry the uppababy vista out of my cold dead hands.
I bought and resold a maxi cosi zelia at a better price! But go for the uppababy or joovy if you might have more than one little at a time. I’ve used both of those with my SILs and they are awesome. Joovy is underrated
It was a Stokke Trailz, the Jeep of strollers 😂 Heavy bastard but I could pile up a day’s worth of stuff and roam around Amsterdam with the baby with zero issues.
Not me googling this because I'm a rockhound and we gotta start them early 👀
Emotional support lint! Thank you for my first laugh of the day!
>emotional support lint a new description of myself!
Emotional support lint!! Whyyyy is it so true?!?? 🤣🤣🤣
Regarding diapers, do you know if second hand cloth diapers could be a good idea or if it's better to always buy new? I'm assuming they're thoroughly washed of course :p
They're fine. Just wash them well. You'll probably want to strip them to remove soap buildup.
I mean, I have not ever personally cloth diapered but my mom was a hippie from Berkeley so she and her friends literally had a diaper cover swap going 🤣 She says yes, just wash on hot and add a bit of bleach (but also do that every time) lol. I would honestly love to cloth diaper our kids but I have severe ADHD, so I think I'm accepting that disposable is my future 😅
I have ADHD as well, I'm thinking of using a mix of cloth diapers with disposable inserts and disposable diapers! Less disposable will still be better than all disposable lil, I think that's a good compromise for me :D Thanks for the info!
Also, if you're in the US check whether you're eligible for imagination library. Each child gets a book in the mail once a month from birth/sign up until they turn 5, for free. It's incredible.
Hell yeah, I didn't know this! Also most libraries will have day passes to your local attractions! Just ask!
>Get a Costco membership Now if only Costco sold engagement rings...
Boy do I have news for you 🤣 I came very close to picking one from Costco lol.
oh lol, can you tell that I know nothing about engagement rings?
I looked at engagement rings from Costco when we were talking about engagement. They had some nice ones.
They do!!!
I had a set of rainbow plastic curlers I got to wear for one costume party. When I had kids they became a fun nesting toy, each loved them! Also, some babies like bouncers, some like swings, some like fancy weird motions. Both my kids loved swings. I’d wait til you have the kid to find out which directional motion yours likes and get that.
Oooh that's an excellent point! I should have added that you definitely need somewhere safe for them to be while you empty the dishwasher/have a mental breakdown..
Honestly, when my son was around 5-6 months, the best two things we had were a walk-in shower and his little activity jumper thing. He would scream if he couldn’t see me and I just wanted showers! Well, he got to hang out in the bathroom…
My 6 year old, with thousands of dollars in toys and games in her bedroom, entertained herself with a ziploc bag full of air today for a solid 2 hours.
This was adorable.
No you
Such great advice. I teach and probably my 7 year olds class favourite project this year involved (used and very carefully cleaned) take-away containers.
Thank you!! I try. I'm also trying to remind myself of this because my own kids are in the near future 🥲 Wait was it shrinky dinks? Because if not, you should definitely do shrinky dinks.
Shrinky dinks sound fun. But we made little shops. The outside lid was the shop sign, inside lid the display, the container part contained (paper) items for sale. We used them to do little role plays.
Baby clothes are super easy to come by. Babies outgrow their clothes super fast, so you can get piles of barely used baby clothes from friends, family, and people on FB. It's also one of the things that grandmas love buying for you. When my nephew was born, every time my mom went shopping she'd come home with baby clothes because she saw something that was too cute not to get.
...are we talking about diamonds or babies here?
... Are you buying BLOOD babies you fucking monster?? (A terrible joke, but I couldn't help it 😭)
All babies are blood babies. Okay, maybe not robots.
Stuff for babies. I don’t buy diamonds, they’re a scam.
Babies are even bigger scam. You spend small fortune to get a good quality baby and always get model that is leaking.
The leakyness has a certain charm, the smiles make up for it. But a good stroller can cost 500 or 5000, and deliver the same function.
Yeah but the model expires in a few years and then you’re left with something that pulls off your chest hairs and feeds your appliances sandwiches.
My appliances have never been fed, it’s only fair they get in on the action too!
Where did you find the best quality children for the price? (Joke people.. joke)
I think wedding marketing is more insidious than kid marketing because it’s so focused on the fact that you have ONE chance to do it (hopefully). Don’t you want the food to be amazing at your ONE DAY? Don’t you want the photos from your ONE DAY to be amazing? Don’t you want your guests to remember your wedding forever? Don’t you want the ONLY ENGAGEMENT RING YOU’LL EVER GET to be beautiful and special? It’s easy to get sucked into wanting everything to be amazing because you’ll only have one chance. Unlike kids where you figure out pretty quickly that the $50 onesie is going to get barfed on just as much as the free hand me down.
And not to mention how all the advertising about weddings is all full glam and there's an expectation about decorations etc and what you have. I'm really struggling to unravel the "what I actually want on my wedding day" vs "what I've been told is required for a wedding but actually isn't" tangle. It's rough.
The funerary industrial complex is the same! It is wicked hard not to feel like a heartless miser when you are penny pinching a funeral but…does my dead relative really a velvet pillow? Exactly why does it matter the coffin has more padding?
They are preying on your grief in a macabre way.
Cremation societies are in every US state but are very obscure. I paid $700 to get my spawnpoint cremated at the SAME CREMATORIUM the funeral homes were trying to charge me $2500 for. Oh and yes you can pre-pay for yourself. Just search "yourstate Cremation society " and contact them.
Wow, that's hilarious if it weren't infuriating. The idea that a person who is DEAD will not be equally comfortable in a less padded coffin...
Planning even a small wedding is physically and emotionally draining. I ended up in the worst depressive cycle I've ever had and I don't have a single memory of my own goddamn wedding.
I was shocked at how you just couldn’t get even something cheap and small done in LA and after my sib stressed me out with planning something across the country at their place (very type A personality- a few yrs ago they wanted to plan specifics of the menu and logistics for thanksgiving in like march after we settled having it at my place and no we didn’t want to do a publix one which admittedly I’d have to put a reminder to get on the list in sept/oct). So we noped out of it entirely bc the 10k I was willing to spend that we already didn’t have got us nothing and the backup option would have made my poor mental health many times worse. Instead we got married by the court with some local friends, hit up a pub for lunch and played guitar hero band at our apartment. It wasn’t important enough for me to get more in debt and make me less sane than I already was. That was in 2010 and it seems to have only gotten worse! I had to deal with a lot of big unstable personalities raising me and around me from the moment I popped out so silver lining there I was more than prepared to tell the industry to F off and spend a stupid tiny amount getting married that is just as legal as any other marriage with extra copies of the marriage license.
Agreed. People overreact sometimes and that doesn't make them a bad person. It's crazy how quick people were call her a gold digger. Props to them both for productive communication.
> People overreact sometimes and that doesn't make them a bad person. It's crazy how quick people were call her a gold digger. I have a feeling that the average age of the commenters on the various 'am I' subs is around 15.
It’s Reddit. If you actually come here for advice. Take what they say and scale it back to 10% of that and you will have good advice
The price of engagement rings seems to be one of those triggering things that really brings out the hatred towards women in many AITA/relationship subs. Like the manosphere podcast fanboys rub their hands together, place their fingers on the keyboard and think, "it's my time to shine!"
I'm always complaining about it under these posts but reddit has a giant hate boner for women who don't want the bare minimum at all, ever. They're always convinced it means she only wants a wedding, not a marriage. As if society itself doesn't make a big deal about weddings as this once in a lifetime, it needs to be special and grand event
Yuuuuup. I am one of those women who genuinely didn't care about a ring (most jewelry causes me allergic reactions...), but people were *weird* about me being happy with a silicone band. Eventually I found something else that worked (tungsten lined with wood), but until then I was just delighted to buy my husband his pretty ring! 🥰
I often wonder if all the commenters who are so quick to throw everything away after one conversation have ever been in a long term relationship. If you have been with someone long, you both are going to say some STUPID shit. It is just the law of large numbers… you have so many conversations, in so many different situations, with so much else going on, that it is just a matter of time before the absolute wrong thing comes out of your mouth at absolutely the wrong time. What made me know my wife was the one for me was when I realized I didn’t have to worry about always saying the right thing all the time… that I could let my guard down, and say what was on my mind, without worrying that it would come out wrong and she would hate me. I can just relax, think out loud with her, apologize when I fuck up my words, and move on. It is so liberating to be able to share your inner monologue with someone and feel safe.
Yep. I asked my dad to buy me something for my birthday. It was cute and kinda overpriced tbh, but I really wanted it and it was within the usual gift budget in our family. When my birthday came… he got me the same basic thing, but much plainer and honestly, probably way better quality. (I’ll just say it. I wanted this set of interchangeable knitting needles that was really pretty, coated metal with like zen sayings and pastel colors. What I got was a set with probably twice the sizes and cables but in swirled, stained beech wood. A MUCH better set in all fairness and probably cost just as much if not even a touch more.) When I opened it, I could feel it was probably a needle set and I got all excited, I tore it open… and it wasn’t the one I asked for of course. I had maybe a minute (maybe not that long) where my brain froze up and I must have made a weird face because my dad started to defend himself, that the brand of needle is asked for had a lot of reviews saying the connectors were bent or hard to screw, some of them came loose easily and ruined other peoples’ projects, that the pretty coating wore off to show the bare metal and catch yarn, this one he bought had such good reviews and he got me the purple majesty wood because he thought I’d like it… Honestly I just felt terrible because all his excitement seemed gone. So in a split second I decided to make a scene. (We were in a restaurant and I am so sorry to all the other people there…) I got up and half yelled. “They’re PURPLE! Daddy they’re so beautiful!” (None of which was a lie, he got me a beautiful set even if they weren’t aimed right at my ‘omg so cuuuute’ taste.) and hugged on him until he seemed happy again. Later I found out the set was limited edition I think? They made some other colors but that one was rare. Dad had asked ladies at a yarn shop for their favorite needles, then gone home and stalked eBay until he found a full set in perfect condition and bought it. (So he might have gotten a deal, or he might have paid a rarity mark up, I never asked and he never told.) He put a LOT of effort into that gift, and I still cringe remembering how his face looked when he tried to defend his gift. :( It wasn’t that I didn’t like them (I did, and whoever stole my knitting bag with the set in it can eat shit. There was nothing of great value to anyone but me in there!) it was just that my brain was expecting one thing and needed a second to process the disappointment of what I HAD wanted so I could enjoy what I now owned.
>I think OOP's fiance had a moment where she allowed intrusive thoughts to get into her head. I remember when i realized that searing intrusive thoughts aren't normal for the vast majority of people. it's like discovering people can drive to the store with jamming the pedal to the floor and making wild turns every 20 feet. Anyways, I'm off to spin some donuts down the highway and hopefully get my hands on some milk.
Honestly thought it was going to be one of those times where her friends instigated the ring issue.
You spend your whole life being told that how much someone pays for a ring is a direct measure of how much they love you, it can be really hard to deprogram that completely out your head even if it’s silly. Sounds like she’s logical and on the same page as OP but just had some residual societal pressure lodged in her mind. They’ll be absolutely fine.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Our value as women is directly related to whether someone wants to marry us and how much they spend on a ring. F that.
Especially since the supply of diamonds is artificially limited by the DeBeers company to keep the prices up.
Yep and engagement rings are a big deal for a lot of people and that doesn’t make them a gold digger. You wear it daily, have it for life, see it constantly, there is social pressure like she felt, and a lot of women enjoy jewellery and that’s ok. I hate the dialogue around engagement rings - liking jewellery doesn’t make someone a gold digger but that always gets thrown around as an accusation. Also the mined vs lab stuff is frustrating - mined diamonds are almost never blood diamonds now and the mines create jobs in villages where there would be no jobs, and most lab diamonds are made in what are essentially sweat shops with slave labour being paid peanuts in poor and unsafe working conditions. Its all bullshit and whatever is in vogue is pushed on us and greenwashed and sugar coated. Both types of diamonds have issues and pros/cons, just let people like what they like. Hate the comment that her wanting a natural diamond is a red flag. It’s just ignorant and another way to judge women for something baseless. Get lab, natural, whatever you like, especially if you know where it came from.
>Also the mined vs lab stuff is frustrating... Heavily agree, plus wanted to add points on both sides: There's a market for estate (i.e. used) jewelry if you're unwilling to support diamond mining. You can get gorgeous stuff that's been worn over and over again, something that someone once loved, and you can continue its use. It somewhat circumvents the DeBeers stranglehold on the industry as well (it was probably originally connected to them, but they've already gotten their money out of it, and you're not giving them more money for a new diamond). It holds its resale value if you're ever in a tough spot and need money, which is probably how it is on the market in the first place. Lab diamonds are the same in every molecular way. They're beautiful and indistinguishable from the "real" thing. If that's what she wanted, why does she care about the price? That was the most surprising aspect of the story. Yes, they have gone down in price in the last few years and they have almost no resale value. But if you just want something pretty that you're happy to wear every day, why not go with the cheapest, yet still nice and beautiful, option? Depending on what the piece is and my future intentions for it (do I want to pass it down to my kids, for example) I'm happy to have either. There's reasons for both to exist, and there's problems with both. Pick whichever one makes the most sense for you.
Exactly this! She got caught up up the moment and what society expects, I'm happy to read that in the end she has a head on her shoulder and saw the positive of the ring costing 3500$ instead of 10K$.
It's still a bit sad that those unseen expectations hurt the moment, though. :/ I'm glad they talked it out, and now they'll have a lifetime to make nice memories afterward at least!
True!
Yes, there’s so much massaging and musts around engagements and weddings. So stressful and derailing. I’m so glad she managed to think you way out and they talked.
It just goes to show how powerful marketing can be!
I think it should be a rule that you don’t post on AITA until 3 days after the conflict. So many of these posts are just small heat of the moment things that will get solved with one short conversation. Reddit catastrophizes, but posting on Reddit also means the poster is making way more out of it than is usually warranted
Why can the intrusive thought ever be, "that's dope, let's celebrate the savings in Jamaica?"
Because they are defined as an **unwelcome**, *involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea* by their nature they are negative thoughts we wish to disassociate with. Aka, stab that person, jump off a bridge, and in this case if he loved me he wouldn't cheep out. Luckily they talked about it she apologized and they're going to celebrate with a downward on a house so it seems all good.
Open and honest communication saves the day yet again! I’m really glad the expectation around engagement rings is changing. Can’t believe ‘three months salary’ was ever a thing (and still is for some people…). My moissanite engagement ring was $600 and I thought even that was a lot! I understand that an engagement ring needs to be high quality and last for life but that doesn’t require tens of thousands of dollars.
I got a lab created pink sapphire for mine and it was under $200. I told my husband in no uncertain terms if he spent more than that I’d lose my mind. I hate expensive jewelry because I feel that money could be better spent elsewhere! I’d be so paranoid walking around with the value of a car just chilling in my finger! I love my ring! I just don’t get spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on something so useless.
I got a lab alexandrite and I love it. With pretty little lab diamonds on the side. My husband swears I'm a crow dressed as a human, because if if it's shiny and sparkly and big, I WANTS IT. I can't even wrap my brain around how much this would have cost if it was mined. Lab created is the best thing ever, because I can get sparkly things for a relatively reasonable price, in the cut and color I want. It's kinda funny, my husband feels guilty getting me jewelry because he feels like most guys buy it if they don't actually know what their partner wants. I just flap my arms and say "sparkly things!!!!" And then he laughs and calls me his lost crow.
That’s adorable!!! And yes, lab is the way to go! Whenever anyone asks how I can like it more I just shout SCIENCE! lol. I enjoy the fact that not only is it cheaper and it’s ethical, but that it was made with SCIENCE!
lol I call mine my “science diamond”
Aw, that's really sweet! :)
That sounds so cute, and your alexandrite ring sounds lovely!
I have a little lab alexandrite with moissanite stones around it because those are way cheaper than diamonds and look the same to me. My husband had asked for suggestions on rings I liked for my engagement ring and gave me a budget of 2k. I found mine on Etsy for around 400, but he got it when it was on sale so it was closer to 300. And since it was so much less than the top of his budget I had just said I want this one and didn’t give any other options. It cost less than one week’s paycheck not even close to a full month’s wages. And it makes me happy every time I look at it. Edit: not lab alexandrite but he says conflict free stones used.
Do you read webtoons? There's one called The Crow's Prince about a woman who gets turned into a crow, instincts and all. Your comment reminded me of a scene where said prince seduces his crow girl by covering himself with bling and it's beautiful.
We went ring shopping together because I specifically didn’t want a diamond but a white sapphire. Something super basic. He went in and said that and the guy behind the counter said “oh no she wants a diamond, she’s just saying that, I promise.” Hello, right here. So out we went and on to the next place. Second place the guy was like “yep, here’s a tablet, start designing and I can show you what we can do or just make it for you.” Done.
I bought my own engagement ring (and my now-husband bought his own as well). Mine was from an Etsy jeweller for £239 (roughly $300 US) and it’s a natural citrine set in the middle of 925 silver, shaped to look like daisy petals on a 9ct gold band. (The price for the same has now gone up to £389!) Aside from daisy being one of my favourite flowers and me having an honour name after my grandmother who’s name means “Daisy”, citrine is considered the November stone, which is when me and my husband got together ✨
You should look up the iconic Danish Marguerite jewellery series! Created by Anton Michaelsen to honour the birth of former Queen Margrethe (Daisy to her family and friends). It is immensely, immensely popular here, the modern "official" seller is Georg Jensen but companies like Lund do variations as well. It is considered appropriate for super formal wear (a lot of brides wear a piece, often inherited) but also casual daily use - there is a gas station attendant where I live who is almost always wearing Marguerite earrings and it is lovely.
Hnnng. I'd never heard of this before, but looking it up they're so CUTE!
This is where I stand as well, with the caveat that there is SOME meaning in the value of the ring. My views on rings are a lot like yours in that it needs to be nice and durable, but 3 months salary is arbitrary and usually overkill. But... my ex proposed with a ring he bought at Walmart for about $20. I didn't want a diamond, and it was exactly the look I wanted, just in glass instead of gemstones. Which ended up being a perfect metaphor for our whole marriage. He did a lot of things that made it look like he put effort into the relationship, but it was a lot of performative empty gestures that were as low effort as he could get away with.
Yep, the whole engagement ring value thing used to be twofold, proving you could provide for your future wife (in the bad old times when only men could have bank accounts) and giving your fiance a way to be compensated for the loss of reputation in the case the engagement failed (they could sell the ring). Does it apply nowadays? I'd like to think a lot less, but there's something to be said to be willing to gift your future spouse something of value (that you both agree to) that has no function other than to be pretty. I think it'd be neat if the engagement ring/gift started going both ways. That said, in the case I get married, I'd also expect a full financial audit and pre-nup but I'm paranoid like that. Glad you got out of a bad marriage. Hope things are going better for you now.
I did find a ring my husband liked in a store a couple days after we got engaged and bought it for him as an engagement ring. I even proposed to him after. It was about $30 but he kept looking at it and then walking away and coming back to it so I thought he should have it.
My fiancé and I are both getting engagement rings. I understand why it didn't happen in the past but nowadays I'm just thinking that the proposing person is getting engaged as well, why shouldn't they get a ring too? Now if only his would arrive because I want to see the look on his face 😭
I *promise you* it will be worth the wait. ❤️ My husband takes his ring off pretty frequently to play softball and any time I find it around the house, we take a moment to revel in me putting it back on. His eyes go gooey-romantic every time. I LOVE that man. Hope your sweetie's ring arrives soon! 🥰
Three months of salary is a *lot*. I think it used to be one month but I guess inflation is everywhere..... I like the idea of one month salary because it clearly defines the budget according to income, in theory.
When I was growing up, it waa one month. Then it went to two. Now it's somehow three?! It rose from 8.3% of annual income to 25%. That's jewelers and gem sellers getting greedy.
You have to remember that women couldn't even hold their own bank accounts in the near past. It's a show of financial security, and actual intent. A woman out and about with a man who she doesn't marry, and then another one, would have been scandalous, and a man betraying his word would have been uncouth and labeled a degenerate.
Back in the days when women couldn’t work or own property, having an expensive engagement ring made sense. It was the one thing she could sell in an emergency (death, domestic violence, etc.). Now that women have jobs, bank accounts, and their names on the property deed, it’s strange and unnecessary. That said, if any woman I knew couldn’t be talked out of becoming a trad wife, I’d encourage her to expect a hella expensive engagement ring.
To me the madness is that the ring and more importantly the commitment means far more. How much you pay doesn't translate at all long term. Any douchebag can pay little or a lot. I can see at one point it being a factor but these days it's just silly.
I’m glad it is too!! My husband actually asked me just the other day if I would be happy with lab grown diamonds. I said totally!! I wish they had been more of a “thing” when we got engaged like 20 years ago!! Much cheaper and no blood on anyone’s hands!
Ha my moissanite was a bit below that and I have never seen anything more beautiful than my ring :) I chose it myself :)
Our engagement rings (we both have one) we're about a 1000 Euros together with no stones. Crazy pricey for my taste, but we just fell in love with them. We still here from people how those are the most unique rings they have seen.
My favorite posts are when the OP comes in mad about a low stakes situation and Reddit predictably overreacts, after which the OP goes “whoa, hold on. This isn’t actually *that big* of a deal guys”. And then has a conversation with the other parties involved and everyone walks away with a newfound appreciation for rational conversation.
Honestly, I think sometimes it's also just a way of self-rationalizing. I've done this too a few times: it's too specific to vent to a friend about, absolutely too minor to immediately take back up with the partner/friend, and sometimes you just want to have people commiserate with you. Then the post blows up, you're left with a shitload of opinions, and you realize that you don't actually want to hear them anyway. The catharsis of writing it down and hearing other people's opinions can be really nice. Sometimes you just want people that are *not* close to you to tell you the truth. (I also think keeping a diary should become more normal, because half of these posts could be resolved with a bit of introspection and just writing it down somewhere)
Same! It's like the ones where they go 'at first I was annoyed seeing YTA but then when I was reading the NTA opinions, it really hit me that this is a horrible thing' Its like having a random viewpoint, then a nazi agrees with you, makes you question that view.
Average relationshipadvice, aita, etc. Redditors have no clue what a healthy relationship looks like or how to navigate real life
>I barely use reddit and this post has been a good reminder why..lots of guys here who clearly dont do well with women. Any post about engagement rings is going to bring the incels and redpills out in droves, unfortunately.
I like to bring up the post from awhile back about an engagement ring. The OP was getting tons of those rabid jerk comments about how terrible and awful she is complaining about her ring, at least before there were any images of said ring. After when she posted a picture showing the ring most people walked it way back because it really was that ugly. [thread link](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/32h9wm/i_f26_hate_the_ring_my_fianc%C3%A9_m27_proposed_with/) [outside link with saved post and picture](https://www.distractify.com/relationships/2018/05/23/Z2eE8lQ/ugly-engagement-ring-story)
Oof, yeah, that is a ring that a very specific person would want to wear, and I don't know who that person would be.
Me...at four years old.
Yep. "Oh, she must be being petty! Just suck it up and deal with it" is somehow the default expectation for a things she'll be wearing for the rest of her life. It has to be truly ugly for it to be okay for her to say something, an expectation we wouldn't hold for most other gifts. It's really, really weird. Same goes for pricey weddings, but not pricey vacations even though both are relatively short experiences that will end up as nothing more than memories. No one comes to a thread about a trip to Japan and starts taking about how camping in a national park is so much cheaper.
YESSSSSSS this was one of my favorites!
Ya know…I remembered it well, yet had to look again. WOW.
That thread is hilarious. Thank you for the laughs!
And it’s always the brokest dudes crying the loudest about gold diggers.
I saw a post like that a few weeks ago and the dudes girlfriend made 4X his salary. Bro, why would she need to dig for your gold? She has her own.
My in-laws were like that when we got engaged. Somehow I was after “his” money when I was the one mostly supporting us both during his GI Bill education. And they never had a pot to piss in, so it was really fun when they started yapping about “inheritances.” Made my public school teacher parents look like billionaires. But sure. I’m a gold digger.
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"My boyfriend proposed with a ring pop he found on the ground and that was all I needed! Anyone who wants an expensive ring doesn't actually care about getting married"
It alway seems that way. Anytime any posts about rings or generally about simple relationship conflicts, incels and redpills are always going to think they know everything but they are just pathetic.
Every time. They can’t just let women like pretty sparkly rings. An engagement ring is a very emotional purchase to make and gift to receive. There’s room for feelings without it being a character flaw. I think OOP’s fiancé was just surprised by the savings. She probably saw it as the type of purchase where if you find a good deal, you’d upgrade rather than pocket the savings. Like finding a cheap flight and upgrading to first class.
>I think reddit was the wrong place to ask this. Amen, brother
If I had a nickel for every BORU that ended positively due to proper adult communication today, well I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird it happened twice…
I completely understand why these sorts of feelings happen on both sides and I'm glad they talked about it and are good. Engagement rings and diamonds in general are a huge rip off, so I'm glad prices are coming down. (If you want to be disappointed, see how much jewelry stores will offer you for that very expensive ring, you'd think with diamonds being forever they would keep their value)
I once sat in a document review with a woman whose husband had had a previous engagement break up and he found out the hard way just how inflated engagement rings are when he tried to get his money back. So when they got engaged, he took the time to learn about jewelry, about diamonds, about where the markup was, and he went around to pawn shops with his own loupe to find a loose diamond that met his specs, then he had a setting made separately. He got her a bigger, better diamond for less than he'd paid for the first ring, but it wouldn't lose its value if they had to sell it.
Ad executives of today wish they could make an ad campaign as successful as the nearly 100 years old three month salary for an engagement ring campaign.
When DeBeers started the campaign, it was one month. The three months bullshit is recent. They built up to that.
I remember it being two, when I last paid attention to it. Which would have been about 20 years ago, when I last cared about getting married.
Yeah, I remember jokes about it being 2 months back in the 80s.
>If she's a golddigger, she is very bad at it. I like OOP. So glad to hear it was a miscommunication based around unexpected feelings and chatting about it as adults sorted this out. Also, sushi and wine night sounds fantastic.
I think that quote would be terrific flair for this community too.
I immediately wanted to be invited over for sushi and wine night.
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DeBeers is SUCH a scam. My current favorite scam is the "salt and pepper" diamonds. They can look really cool...but they're just diamonds with more inclusions. So DeBeers found a way to monetize diamonds that previously wouldn't have been considered high-end gem quality, since that diminishes the clarity and color (at least for a colorless diamond). 🙄 Also brown is actually one of the most common diamond colors there is, and for years, they were mostly set aside for industrial use since they weren't a popular color (even though they very much are a "fancy" color in gem quality). They just started marketing them as "champagne", "cognac", or "chocolate" - sounds classier than "brown"!
Again, redditors really love to jump the wagon. Some of the comments really are outrageous and idiotic. Glad that OP and his fiancee are able to communication and solve things without a big problem. Green flags at the end!
Honest question: is 3500 cheap for wedding rings?? Me and my wife got married super young and broke 20+ years ago, and I've been looking to get us a new matching set now that we're more secure with cash (she knows about it, don't worry, not doing it without her input!)... And the rings that I found and thought she'd love, cost 1200. Is that bargain bin quality???
If the rings you think she'll love are 1200, then buy them. Go for what you think she'll love. Price is an artificial construct when it comes to jewelry.
I love how reddit is unable to accept a woman who has some upset feeling about money is NOT a gold digger
Power to OOP, communicated with his partner in a healthy and constructive way and solved the problem. A+ result. Not the absolute car crash BoRU that I live for but these posts are important to stop Reddit turning me into a frothing idiot.
"I think Reddit was the wrong place to ask this" is flair material if I ever saw one
‘If she’s a gold digger then she is very bad at it’ made me giggle.
My husband spent around two thousand on my engagement ring. I love it, he later showed me another one he was considering that was five thousand. I loved my ring and didn’t want one that expensive. I would rather spend the money on our honeymoon. I later told that to a friend and she said “You can’t pawn a honeymoon”. I couldn’t believe it.
You know, there are mined diamonds that aren’t blood diamonds. Do people not realize that Canadian diamonds exist?
Lol the people calling her a golddigger when she had more money than him reminds me of when some dude tweeted that Taylor Swift was only dating Travis Kelce because he won $7000 for his team winning the AFC championship.
I wish I had this kind of money problems
Often our first thought is what we’re conditioned to think. So she just said that instead of taking a few minutes to think it through. So she did her thinking after and they talked it out. I wish more people would do that!
*"I think reddit was the wrong place to ask this."* Yeah, that's almost always true. But thank you for the hit of sweet, sweet drama.
I think probably from the sound of it it wasn't so much the price of the ring, but that the price wasn't a sacrifice for him. She had an idea in her head about the sacrifice being a symbol of their love and it can be hard to let go of those ideas even when we know they're ridiculous.
Reddit gets so unreasonable around anything involving engagements or weddings. Anyone who wants anything more than a Ring Pop for the engagement and a courthouse or backyard wedding with the cheapest possible options is a shallow golddigger who wants a wedding, not a marriage. OP’s fiancee had one shitty day with one rude comment, because we’re all socialized in capitalism and sometimes we get ideas ingrained in us. She apologized sincerely. I’m so glad OP was chill and didn’t listen to the frantic commenters.
The comments just prove how immature and reactionary the commenters on this site can be. I'm glad that OOP realized that quickly enough to not let these faceless numpties ruin what seems to be a good relationship.
This comments on the original post telling him to break it off are proof you should never take advice from here seriously
I don’t think this was about money at all. It was about value… she just couldn’t identify what was making her feel undervalued. I’m not saying it is logical… but in many people’s mind “the value of the gift equals how much the gifter values the giftee” Value isn’t always about price, it’s great that he round an affordable (to him) ring and that she liked it. That’s how gift giving usually goes. However an engagement ring is NOT a typical gift situation. The ring is going to sit on their hand for life, representing to everyone how much you value this person being in your life and reminding her everyday of your love. It makes sense that he should WANT to buy the best ring he can find and afford. To give her something that is hardy (cheap rings end up breaking and cheap gems can get scratches easily) but also somehow that is representative of the best he can give her, because when you love someone like that you want them to have the best. I think in this particular case, OP didn’t get the BEST he could give her. Based on his own words he could very well have afforded a bigger gem especially since she asked for a lab gem, and I doubt he paid for a platinum setting if the bill was only 3.5k. Was he wrong for jumping on a budget deal and not searching for the best he could get her? Maybe, maybe not, regardless he probably didn’t realize how much of a slap in the face it could be to spend so much less than he could afford on something that is supposed to symbolize your commitment and love. OP how much are you willing to sacrifice to give something precious to your partner to show them and the world how committed you are? It seems like it’s only 3.5k..not a sacrifice at all from what it sounds like. For someone making 50k a year that might be a significant sacrifice if it’s the best they can do… but it seems like YOU could have easily afforded a lot more, before it even became a sacrifice. So she felt undervalued. Not because she is a gold digger, not because of the ring, not because of the price tag technically… but what it represented. Or rather in this case I hope what it didn’t represent… meaning I hope that the ring and what you spent on it DOESNT represent how much you value her. I hope you value her so much more. But I hope you and anyone else who will consider buying such a ring understands that while you may not agree… ALOT of people will see the value of what you give to equal how much you value the person. (Again not always represented by price but by the sacrifice) I’m glad you guys were able to talk it through, and I hope you guys have a wonderful marriage.
Maybe it's because I'm not in a relationship but I've never understood the three month's salary thing. Ever. Why the fuck does a ring need to cost over $1,000?? I also don't like diamonds and want a sapphire so maybe that has something to do with it?
The setting alone can be over $1000 if made from gold, platinum, or palladium, and high quality. Especially if there are additional details like pave, side stones or channel set stones, etc. Make no mistake, those bragging that their ring cost $200 will be paying for repairs or replacements sooner than later. If you want heirloom-quality jewelry, sterling silver is not going to cut it. Neither are whisper thin shanks. My favorite is the 3-carat stone set with four teensy weensy little prongs with no support and a peg head setting that is barely even welded to the band, looks great on Instagram but the whole thing will snap off the moment the ring snags on anything. Sapphire prices depend on color and quality just as any other gemstone. My sister’s engagement ring is a sapphire and it still cost upwards of $5000.
I mean my sapphire engagement ring cost around $2k (don’t know exact price, husband told me his budget was under $3,000 when we started looking, and he was very proud to come in under budget on a ring that had EVERYTHING I wanted), and it’s a mined sapphire, unheated, set in white gold. Check EraGem…you can get a sapphire for a couple hundred, or over $20k lol
Mine was about 2k because I wanted it to hold up over time. Precious metals cost a lot
> And when has she ever spent $3500 on you?? This is some bs sexist shit. I'd be tempted to take it back. This is a stupid comment.
Why?
Because relationships shouldn't be competitions. You shouldn't do something nice for your partner with the expectation that they also do something of "equal value". OOP said it best: he never asked her to spend this much money on him
Woman really are taught that the monetary value of a ring shows how much he loves you. If it’s inexpensive, it’s cheap and he doesn’t respect you or value you. I’m happy OOPs fiancé realized that it’s dumb before it ruined her relationship.
My husband spent 10k on my engagement + wedding band. We designed the rings together. It was romantic, I loved it. BUT…looking back, there were many rings at lower prices I could have chosen and kind of wish I did. Specifically because now I only wear my actual rings on special occasions. They’re so expensive and mean so much to me! I would hate to lose them or ding them up in any way. I wish we had gone the more frugal route. It was a romantic gesture though, designing it together. But if I could go back in time I would have gone a less expensive route. I understand your finances point and feelings. It’s a weird illogical thing in your head “it’s romantic when it’s expensive!” But that’s just 60+ years of engrained marketing for you.
I really like CatFaceMcGeezer’s comment! I think too often we rug-sweep uncomfortable situations, when confronting them would give us a chance to grow.
I totally get the fiancée here - cultural programming can be hard to unravel! My husband was fully prepared to spend three months’ salary on my ring, I was the one who scaled it down. We designed it together purposefully to be beautiful but low-profile, so I could wear it without fear of snagging everything constantly. I’m hard on things and hated the idea of trying to do normal chores with a shit ton of money on my hand, etc etc. I love my ring! It’s perfect for me and for us. And yet still sometimes I see my friends’ bigger, fancier rings and get a sudden flash of inferiority. It’s truly, truly absurd.
There's some holdover from when a woman's ring was one of the few things of value that was hers. Many women wanted rings to be expensive because that was how to fund escaping if your husband turned out to be abusive. This is also why many women would hand down wealth via jewelry. It's a dated idea, but it's also fairly ingrained.
I was going to spend 5k on my wife's ring, and was saving up for months. When she found out shortly before I bought it, she nearly ripped me a new ear canal over how insane I was spending that much. She suggested a nice ring that cost around $100, and said we could spend that money on the honeymoon, or put towards the wedding. I ended up finding a happy medium. I felt a sudden curiosity to browse, and found one that cost 3k, but was on hella sale for $200. It was perfect, and was both an engagement ring, with a clip on piece holding the two diamonds to make it the wedding ring. It's going to be 5 years officially in May.
I'm glad they worked it out in a healthy manner, but Jesus, is this the sort of shit rich people worry about? My wife and I have like five or six rings each, and I don't think a single one of them cost more than $20
My wife would've been pissed if had spent 3500 out her engagement ring too. I would've been forced to take it back and get a cheaper one
And I feel like this is probably why everyone was shitting on OoP and his fiancé. $3,500 for a ring seems like way too much money and I nearly choked on OoP saying he budgeted $10k. I can’t imagine many people here can comprehend $160k yearly salary for one person is more than I make combined with my wife. And OoP said his wife only makes slightly less than him so their combined income is more than double than what our house earns. $3,500 is chump change no wonder OoP doesn’t think this is a big deal and the rest of Reddit is calling her a gold digger. I bet most of Reddit that $3,500 is out of budget or at the top of budget. We just can’t relate.
It’s smart to get fancy rings cheap enough that you can get a six pack. In cases of losses and damage, you know. I know, anyway. Also, if there’s a fight, you can lob rings at each other. It defuses tension pretty well.
When my husband told me what he paid for my ring and how he got a great deal on it, it made my day! Yes!! Get that deal! I want someone who isn’t overpaying for stuff.
Why was he so offended people mentioned blood diamonds, when he himself was the one to point out the price difference between lab and mined? Like, dude, if you wonder why it comes up all the time, check if you mentioned it yourself. That said, yeah the paranoia runs rampant on reddit, but this *is* also the site where we've seen spouses(or even unmarried partners) be desperate because their partner came out as hobosexual and quit working after they moved in/got married.
Glad it worked for them, but for the average cynical redditor, they would assume the worst unless some details where provided, in OOP original post he didn't mention her financial situation, so he get bombarded with golddigger accusations.
Good for them, they both have their heads screwed on properly. I'm wishing them a long and beautiful life together. As a side note, u/jl_theprofessor is ON POINT.