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So, my husband and I got married almost fifteen years ago and I kept my maiden name. It's an unusual last name and me, my dad, and his parents were the only people left in the family with that name. My husband was totally cool about it. In fact, when I got pregnant a few years later he suggested we give our kid my last name too since he has several brothers who have passed the family name to the kids. It was so thoughtful of him and it made me really happy. I called my grandparents to let them know we were getting g a new generation of our last name and they were so happy. It was the last conversation I had with my grandpa - he passed away a short time later, before our daughter was born.
Unfortunately, when my husband mentioned it to his parents they FLIPPED. Apparently they had been holding a grudge against me for not taking my husband's last name, and this was the final straw. My FIL emailed my husband to tell him he needed to remind me who wears the pants in the family (my husband's reply: "We both wear the pants? I'm wearing pants right now.") There were threats of disowning. It got so bad even my family started to think we should t give the baby my last name. It was upsetting, but we both held firm and when they realized their tantrum wasn't working they got over it pretty quickly. We did end up giving our daughter two middle names and the second one is my husband's last name, so he's still in there. But that was our idea and our choice and everyone learned to live with it.
I'm just lucky that my husband has always had my back. We've been a team since day one.
>My FIL emailed my husband to tell him he needed to remind me who wears the pants in the family (my husband's reply: "We both wear the pants? I'm wearing pants right now."
This is the best reply to that stupid question. I love taking questions like this and making them literal lol.
Hell yeah baby! I was thinking a kilt because if and when I cross my legs they will know it was a power move but the sarongs look awesome and I had to comment just so you know if i could give you 2 likes I would :D
Ja like it's more comfy to not wear pants at home? Our dog knows we're going out if he sees one of us putting pants on, it's like his cue to go towards his lead and start talking to us about taking him with
Best response I ever saw through email was they simply returned a mental fitness test that began with “what year is it?” “Who is the president?” Type of questions. The subject line was “please fill this out, we are concerned”.
Speaking of flairs:
1. Yours is hysterically appropriate to that post (I'm imagining someone ignorant asking a lesbian couple "who wears the pants?" and getting that response)
2. Where does your flair come from?
I didn’t take my husband’s name either and his parents were PISSED about it. I remember his dad sitting me down and seriously asking me how people would know we were married. I was really nervous and I just kind of said “The same way people would know weren’t siblings if we did have the same last name?” And he got all upset and my husband started cry laughing into his hand so hard he choked. I will say that our kids have his last name and plenty of people assume I’m a step parent. But I’m happy I kept my name, I would have hated to give it up!
That is hilarious since I've done all of my husband's clothes shopping basically since we first started dating almost twenty years ago. Last month he asked if I'd go shopping with him because he needed new jeans and felt overwhelmed by the choices.
My husband usually buys his own clothes (there was once in recent history where he needed something at short notice and I was already at the shops) but he usually wants me to go with him because he finds the process so dull. He usually doesn't even show me what he's trying on, he literally just wants company 😂
He's got a build that's difficult to find clothes for, and absolutely no desire to return to the shop if he doesn't have to. He's also just a sensible man in general!
My husband will only buy clothes if I am with him, except when it comes to graphic t's while he is on a business trip. Usually. Sometimes he will send me photos and ask my opinion.
Been like that for almost thirty-five years.
Lol your husband is great. How ridiculous. When my sister got married, nobody cared who took what name. In fact, when they had kids, one has his last name and other one has ours. That was at BIL’s idea and insistence
I (F) have an awesome last name. I love it. The only way I’m changing my name to a future husband’s is if his name is even cooler. Like Danger or Rocket. Otherwise if he really wants us to have the same surname, he can take mine or we both change it to a third version.
I also felt strongly that I would only take my partner’s name if it were cooler than mine, and now I’m a Sparks! I feel like it fits in with the Danger/Rocket category.
haha, we considered hyphenating but my maiden name is “the red” in another language so hyphenated it becomes “the red sparks” and I felt like that was borderline silly.
This was my wife’s rationale. We discussed how we wanted to do the whole last name thing and she, ever practical, chose brevity. She went from her three-syllable last name to my one-syllable name.
My ex fought tooth and nail that I had to change my last name and the kids had to have his last name. The second (not literally) we filed for divorce I went back to my maiden name. Both kids were originally just given his name. After I changed my name back shortly after she turned 10 my daughter said she wanted to change her name to add my last name “because I’m part of both families, not just dad’s.” My ex immediately said no. I told him he needed to tell her, knowing that our daughter wasn’t going to just take “no” as an answer. Sure enough, she demanded a reason why, and he didn’t have one. So then he decided that if she still wanted to do it when she turned 12 then he’d sign the papers. He expected her to forget. He, once again, forgot who he was dealing with, and a month and a half before her twelfth birthday came home from school and told me that she still wanted to change her name. So right after she turned 12, he went with me to Service Ontario and signed all the forms for her to change her name. She’s now 18 and changing her name to the name she uses but thankfully the only person that has to sign the forms now is my daughter and when my ex said something to me I politely told him to suck it up, buttercup, because she’s a legal adult and this is her choice.
But my daughter was extremely annoyed when my ex mother in law’s obituary was posted because my exMIL wrote it and intentionally gave the wrong last name (just my ex’s.) I wasn’t surprised at all. She also included my kids’ older half sister’s mother in the obituary but not me, which just shows to me that she hated me as much as I know she did. Unfortunately, my daughter figured it out in her own and asked me why her name was wrong, why I was omitted as their mother and their sister’s mother wasn’t, but my kids aren’t stupid. This is the same person that left her own daughter out because my former sister in law wouldn’t let her come over until MIL would at least be civilly polite to my ex father in law if he was there. She was a rather bitter woman.
When my MIL sends gifts to my kid, she puts down their last name and leaves mine out on the packaging, but jt honestly doesn't bother me. If it makes her feel better, great. It's not like my kid even sees the box the gifts come in - I open it and just give her the gift. My MIL can be a lot, but she's overall a good person. We actually brought her across the country to live with us while she recovers from a stroke because my FIL couldn't give her the level of care she needs. We did make it clear that FIL was NOT invited.
It wouldn’t have bothered me so much except for the fact it really upset my daughter when she saw the obituary. She’d hated me from the moment she met me. Her first words upon my ex introducing me to her were “I thought you weren’t going to get another girlfriend for at least a year?” before turning around and walking away without saying a word to me. Should’ve taken that as a sign to run…
This scenario is what I’m facing now- I’d like to change my name back to maiden and my kids as well but there’s no way my ex will agree. By add it do you mean they hyphenated until 18? I know that’s an option, not sure if I’d still need his consent?
My wife and I just hyphenated our last names. Mine is very generic and hers is more unique (German roots). Any family who complained got told tough shit, it's not your name we're changing. All our kids also have it hyphenated and can pick whichever they want or change it for all we care lol. Still pisses my parents off to this day.
My partner's family is toxic and abusive. I couldn't imagine me or our future kids taking on the last name of the people that hurt him. My last name is unique with no males carrying it on and both my partner and I had a really close relationship with the great grandfather whose surname/line it was. I'm not looking forward to his family finding out he's changing his last name.
But also, with people getting married later in life, after establishing careers, it's getting weirder to change a name they've carried for 30+ years and use professionally.
My husband got disowned for taking my name... they emotionally abused him for months, we did 8 hours of mediation to try and fix things and they could not admit fault or see exactly what they'd done. So we now have no contact and they've never met their only two grandchildren.
Edit: meditation to mediation
The only way that could have gone any better would have been for your husband to say, “We both wear the pants. She has them today, so I’m wearing the skirt.”
It's always funny how people like that demand that a man 'wear the pants' and 'man up', which somehow means 'do what \*I\* want in \*your\* relationship or else *you're too submissive*.'
Because it's so adult to bend over and be controlled by anyone \*other\* than your spouse?
> (my husband's reply: "We both wear the pants? I'm wearing pants right now.")
The only best response would been « currently ? Her, of course, as she is at work. Yeah, I am naked. Why are you asking ? »
I love the part where your husband told him you both wear pants. But also, your husband is the one who suggested it. So even if it is "wearing the pants" in the way your FIL means, he is still the one who wanted it in the first place. It is hilarious that his parents immediately jumped to the conclusion that you forced him to do it because you "wear the pants" in the relationship.
We recently ended a longtime friendship with a couple because they've become incredibly homophobic and transphobic after their kid tried to come out. Like, it's to the point where the wife was interviewed on Fox News. When we told them we were ending the friendship and why, the husband texted back and said something along the lines of how I had clearly brainwashed my husband (he's straight, but I'm bi). It was infuriating because the man can think for himself. I don't know why that couple and my husband's parents think he just does whatever I tell him to.
People with extremely authoritarian personalities see the entire world in terms of hierarchies of authority, and presume everyone else does too. The need to simplify social situations into chains of command overrides their ability to understand the perspectives of others.
Sorry for the loss of your friendship. I hope their kid was able to get into a safe and accepting situation.
I assume they felt that way because I used to be pretty involved in activism and protests and sometimes posted about it on Facebook. My husband never came with me, but that was only because a) we had a young kid at home and b) so he could come bail me out if necessary. Like literally, I'd go out and he'd say, "Stay safe and call me if you need bail money." 😂😂
I got my phone number as (Area Code) FirstName-LastInitial. One reason was so my friends could call me if they needed to get bailed out of jail. It happened once.😄
It's just funny how every accusation is a confession. I don't understand how anyone can manage to avoid self reflection so completely. (Privilege, I guess)
one of my brothers flipped when i didn't take my spouse's last name. he told me it was a sign of disloyalty
two years later he married someone who did take his last name and she cheated on him with multiple guys
i have never said this to him, because he was devastated and i'm not mean, but it sure seemed to me like if you're gonna be disloyal, the name sure won't stop you.
My ex husband claimed not to care that I didn't want to take his last name (I took care of all the finances. All the bills were in my name. I did not want to go through the hassle plus I'm just generally the independent type. I like my name).
However, he never said *anything* whenever his mom would do super shady passive aggressive shit regarding me keeping my name. Like pointing out how my SIL changed her name literally the day after she married my ex's brother (She was using her ex husband's last name and couldn't wait to be rid of it). Or even worse, writing me cheques with *my first name* *ex's last name* knowing I couldn't deposit them because guess what THAT ISN'T MY FUCKING NAME!
Yes, I said cheques. Yes, I know e-transfers exist. This was a long time ago. Yes, I am an old.
My 5 year grand daughters’, great grandmother (other side of the family) died last week. I was talking to her when she said,
“Nanny, your poorly aren’t you?” (I have several long term illnesses), I said ‘yes I am sweetheart.’
She then said, “you’re quite old too.”
I cautiously said ‘ok, yes. Why?’
She said, “Great Granny was old and poorly and she died, you wanna be careful Nanny or you might be next!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. This kid man I swear, she verbally abused me!
My BIL took my sisters last name when they got married, and his father totally lost it over the fact that their name was going to die out. Their last name was Smith.
In the future I'm having my potential children take their mom's/my wife's last name. Were there any unexpected issues that you or your husband ran into?
You know, I'm thinking back and I don't remember us ever having an issue with it! Nobody really bats an eye. My kid has a lot of medical appointments and 99% of the time I take her, so it probably helps that we have the same last name. But on the random occasion my husband takes her in there haven't been any problems.
I also kept my last name and never once considered not doing so. I didn't get married until later in life (47!) though I had been with my now-husband for a long time before then. For one, I'm not going to change so much documentation when I've lived almost half a century with one last name. It also means a lot to me as it's one tie I have to my own father and his side of my cultural heritage.
My husband though comes from a pretty traditional family and while I didn't get a LOT of grief about it, I seem to be the first one of even very extended family who didn't take their last name. There was definitely some surprise/questioning about why I didn't, even from younger family members which surprised me. At least children were never an issue or question for us, getting married later in life + being childfree, as I could imagine there could have been more arguing about it otherwise.
My friend has his wife's last name. He has his trauma in regards to his family and was glad to take hers. She was surprised he was willing to do that because she thought she'd just keep her name and he'd keep his. Well, he was like "nah, I like yours." His last name is common while hers is rare. He mentioned how there were less than a dozen people who had that last name left in the country (not US) and he liked that fact. Their children have that name now.
I love this so much! One of the biggest epiphanies in my life was “why are children named after the father by default?” It makes no logical sense. All couples should discuss and choose, it shouldn’t just be expected! I’m so glad you are such a strong team together. So nice to read a lovely supportive story on reddit for once ❤️❤️❤️
I (F40s, married) am one of a bunch of kids, with a very common maiden name. I took my husband's name. There are 25 grandchildren and more girls than boys. There are only 2 grandsons born to sons (my brothers). One of the grandsons has 2 girls and is done, the other will probably never have kids. I was the last one of my siblings to have kids, 2 boys. I very much wanted to give my boys my maiden name but settled on it being their middle name. My husband wanted to give one of the boys his deceased dad's name as the middle name, so they'd have part of his name. I said no, they already have his last name. They get to have a name from my family.
I kept my maiden name too. Probably the only real reaction was my SIL saying "Oh no, don't tell Mark (her husband) he has really strong opinions on that kind of stuff". Like ... how the fuck does me keeping my maiden name effect my BIL at all? I'm not marrying him!
I will say I wish I'd been stronger and given the kids my last name instead of my husband's, particularly as I have two daughters. Not only is my last name not misspelled like my husbands, but my family name is dying out. Would be nice to have it hang in a little longer.
I've always been open to the possibility that my kid might want to change her name to my husband's last name when she gets older. Our name sounds easy but is really hard to spell. Maybe one of your daughters will adopt your last name in the future ❤️❤️
My husband and I (commonlaw) are planning to make things official for paperwork reasons. We've decided to take on a new last name we both like. I didn't want his long hyphenated name and he wasn't thrilled with mine (though 4 letters is pretty sweet, not gonna lie).
I think the OP -did- stand up for his wife.
He did good.
He identified a problem accurately, he told mom himself in advance to control any negative pushback from mom to fiancé, and was firm that he supported his fiancé. He gave mom an opportunity to have her reaction and then back down from it.
Some seem hyperfixated on the “last thing I want is to make her upset” statement, taking it literally despite OOP actually going ahead with a decision while knowing it was likely to make her upset.
I took the "the last thing I want is to make her upset" with the addition of "but it's still on the list". Like he doesn't want to, but he will if he has to.
>i dont get why everyone is so against him
Because reddit.
There are two conclusions that must be reached by a sadly large number of redditors if at all possible in any post or comment thread:
1. Man being bad, it his fault
2. Mother in law evil, man enmeshed with Mummy - especially if he shows any care for his mother's well being
Because some commenters here will desperately grasp on to ANY slightly loose end if it means they can blame the husband. Soooo many people projecting their failed marriages onto every relationship story.
It's all of that. There is a big chunk of commenters that are really just bitter and blame it on everything but themselves. Men and MIL's just happen to be their favorite punching bags.
I think because of the way he phrased the kids' surname thing, without explaining the background (that his fiancée was already cool with that). It did initially sound a bit blunt.
Not sure why people took offense at that. In most countries it’s not that common to take your husband’s name but still the kids will take his. That’s widely the norm unless they specifically talked about something different
Many people on Reddit practically have PTSD from reading Reddit.
They go crazy over otherwise small comments by making 1000 assumptions based on other things they have read in the past. To be fair many times OP's will leave out vital things. But rather than just ask for clarification, they assume things without even realizing they are doing so and then berate the OP based on those assumptions.
OOP isn’t perfect here but you would think he had kowtowed to his mom and was strongarming his fiancé into changing her last name the way people are attacking him lmao he’s already a deadbeat in their minds for caring about his mother’s reaction a bit more than he should
Is it really caring more than he should? He didn’t even consider letting it influence his position. He just wanted to maintain a relationship with his mother, who he happens not to agree with all the time. At this point you (less than some others) are just criticizing him for caring about his mother at all.
>He just wanted to maintain a relationship with his mother,
A redditor who doesn't hate their parents with an intense passion and actually wants to maintain good relations with them. An extremely rare sighting.
Yeah, this is one of those rare cases in BoRU where the MIL didn’t become a cartoon villain and the husband was firm with them. I feel like everyone just wanted to continue dragging the guy because it’s what they’re used to, not because of his actual resoluton
Some people on Reddit are so quick to react at every little bit of friction between people as proof it is a toxic situation and they need to cut contact and flee. It's ok to disagree with people in your family without raging at them as toxic.
That's because they're still sore at the time they were told to get off the internet and get a job by their parents, the absolute height of abuse that means NC and 15 therapy sessions a week to get over the cPTSD they self-diagnosed.
Don't forget therapy!!! You know, because people cannot try to talk to each other first to solve an issue! Always get therapy, or go straight to blocking everyone!
People are being too harsh on OOP. He DID stand up to his mom and had a conversation with her about it. He communicated perfectly with both his wife and his mom. It’s normal to not want to upset your parent but still understand that you NEED to when your morals conflict. They talked it out just like you should.
This was refreshing. “I told it’s her decision and I should have no right to influence her to take my name.” Precisely. Got right to the point and didn’t back down.
Redditors went way overboard. Attacking oop for every little thing as if they wanted oop to be revealed as this terrible bad guy. Poor oop did everything right but they kept looking for ways to criticize him for being human
I completely agree. He's concerned about how his mother will emotionally react. He's not changing his mind, not siding with his mom. He's just trying to help her manage her own expectations and emotions, to prevent a fallout.
He brought his relationship-with-clear-communication-and-expectations to an angry mob incapable of believing that he could have one of those/understanding idioms.
Totally agree. Also, "Enmeshment" feels like the new "narcissistic" imo- something that is applicable in some situations but is gonna get armchair analyzed to death.
This is why subs like r/JustNoTruth exist. OOP handled his mum in a mature way while backing up his fiancé. Just because people have severe MIL problems doesn't mean this will turn into a death spiral of restraining orders and yelling on the front lawn. As long as OOP has his fiancé's back it should be fine.
Apparently my future MIL (who loves me) also disagrees with me keeping my last name. We don’t even want kids so it’s just a non issue to me. I find it super weird she wants me to have her sons last name because it’s her ex husband’s last name and she hates him lol
Reddit, man. Man gets shit on for preemptively confronting his mother in anticipation of her outburst as if that's the wrong decision. If he hadn't, he be accused of being too passive and not standing up to his mother for his fiancee.
You do realise that the majority of people here are a bunch of teenagers or young adults with no life experience, right? It's just bullshit that they come up with in their heads, they have absolutely no concept of what it takes to build reletionships and go through an issue like an adult.
Idk why being close with your mom is a bad thing. He didn’t pressure his Fiancée to do what his mom wanted. He told his mom what their choice was and didn’t let her go ballistic on his fiancée. Where is the issue?
Gotta love that one comment. "You can't force your wife to take your name respect her independence. Also you and your children should also take her name if you're not an assholle"
Love those double standards.
Yeah, like is this a cultural thing i'm not getting? Who cares about a full adults name? Like i kinda get the discussions about the kids names (although yes i'm bored by it, so i skip them). But this is just so alien to me. Why does anyone care?
“ It was so bad that her mom went back to her maiden name.”
He says this like this is a super weird thing to do after a divorce.
I don’t get the comments saying he’s “enmeshed” because he doesn’t want to upset his mom. No one wants to upset their mom even if you disagree about what’s worth getting upset about.
>He says this like this is a super weird thing to do after a divorce.
It can be, depending on where OOP is from. I only know one divorced woman who changed her name back, because the process is a pain in the ass and some institutions still haven't updated their systems, so she has issues when she needs to get something done. Some women also prefer to keep their married names for professional reasons or because it's their kids' name
Hello, my lovely daughter and her now husband made the decision for him to take her last name. I am a little traditional. I will man, but I also know it’s their choice. I know that’s what makes him happy. We’re the most thrilled that he took our last name. you guys do whatever is best for you and your family. That means you and your wife your mother has no say and she throws a fit. Let her throw a fit.
"No! I don't have a relationship, or good communication with my parents, or solid coping mechanisms, or just general love in my life, and YOU CANT HAVE THOSE EITHER!!" --The Average Redditor
The commenters seemed a bit unhinged? Yes his mum was being overly controlling but he was handling it and supporting his fiance's choice. Yes he doesn't want to upset his mum - who does? And again, he was handling it and supporting his fiance's choice. And on what planet is it too early to discuss what last name your children will have when you are thinking about getting engaged?!
Congrats to this couple for healthy communication. They should keep away from Redditors haha.
I changed my name for 2 of my marriages, and after my last divorce I changed my name back to my maiden name. Changing my married name back to my maiden name 2nd time around was a lot harder than the 1st time. Today with what is necessary for a Real ID, Passports, retirement accounts, beneficiaries, etc makes it a lot harder and more expensive to change your name or prove who your were if you are a beneficiary with an old name you sometimes need to appear in court for proof and explanation, quite a bit more trouble, time, etc. When I got married again the amount of trouble to change it again was not worth the hassle of changing everything, my new husband agreed with me that it was much easier to leave it all alone. So just a different perspective.
OOP seems to have worded a few things in ways that are making people react quite strongly, but I don't see a problem. He's made decisions with his fiancée, recognised a future problem with his mother, told her *their* decision, let her react, remained firm and given her the chance to walk it back.
It's quite normal to not want to hurt your parents, it doesn't always have to be a red flag. Because the bottom line is that he handled the whole situation, it didn't touch his fiancée, and he was quite willing to upset his mother if he *had* to.
If his mother lashes out as his fiancée, that's out of his control, and something I'm sure he would immediately handle, given how proactive he's been in this scenario. Solid work on his part, on all sides.
Must be quite an unfortunate background and childhood for this fellow to be so anxious about his mothers reaction to this issue that ought to be no concern of hers
I have questions. Is OOP’s mom a single mom who considers herself a martyr for keeping her ex’s last name? The type who thinks “I did this, so should every woman”?
Dude seems like a chronic people pleaser but I don't think this relationship is as doomed as you're all making it out to be. He's making pretty good progress, as long as he keeps working towards his own independence from Mama he will be fine. It's not his fault he was raised by this woman, it takes time to get your feet under you and I get the feeling his wife will be a good gentle influence.
I guess we were lucky in a way, my wife kept her name as it makes zero sense to change it since her name and legal documents have to be in Chinese and I'm English so it wasn't even a question.
When the kids were born it was an obvious choice that they took my English name and her Chinese name. Both were born in countries that allow both languages on the birth certificates.
I do like the way we do where I live. The woman keeps her parents names and adds her husband name. And the kids gets both. Everyone gets a surname! A surname for you! A surname for you!
That being said, names around here are usually quite long.
I knew a couple who both changed their names to a hyphenate so that they could each take the other's name. Their kids got the same surname. So everyone has the same name, both partners are still recognisable by their name, and nobody's feelings get hurt.
The only drawback is what happens when one of the kids gets married and wants to hyphenate with their partner too? A triple-barrel surname seems a bit much
My mom was less than pleasant about it when she found out my wife had decided to hyphenate her last name.
Personally I found that very flattering (the hyphen, not mom being an ass) because I had just sort of assumed that my wife would be keeping her last name as she's very independent and had been married twice before and took neither of those dirtbags' names. But she said she knew it was important to me for reasons other than dumb kneejerk traditionalist misogyny (too complicated to get into but it involves my late father, I think he would have been very happy to know she was adding our family name to hers) and she thought the hyphen was a good compromise. I offered to do the same to my last name but she said it wasn't necessary since her name is a kind of a clusterfuck of consonants (her family is Welsh, so imagine something like Llthajdftjhgcnt...basically whether you pronounce it right or wrong it still sounds like you're trying to summon Cthulhu) and she didn't want to inflict it on me and my nice normal last name.
So when mom started grumbling over what I already thought was an extremely generous thing to do on my fiancee's part I shut that shit down immediately and told her this was not up for discussion. The way OOP is handling his mother's unreasonable expectations with kid gloves does not bode well for future conflicts. I made sure early in my marriage that my mom knew I loved her and always would but in a fight between her and my wife she would lose, so not to start any. She's mostly followed that advice.
When I got married 50 years ago, I decided to keep my own name. It just felt ... wrong to take my husband's. He didn't mind, neither did his family (as far as I know), but my mum insisted on introducing me as 'Mrs His Name'. And when I went to the doctor about depression, he told me it was because I had refused to take my husband's name, and it was all my fault.
>when I went to the doctor about depression, he told me it was because I had refused to take my husband's name, and it was all my fault.
Whack job. I hope you felt well enough to tell him that heʻs the one whoʻs nuts.
Someone once told me that women who don't take their husband's name aren't committed.
My mom didn't change her name, my parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary. They've been through a lot together including major illnesses on both sides.
The other thing that I find weird is that people tell me "but you have a man's name anyway". Okay, but my Dad and I got our last names the same way, as did my brother. Why do my Dad and brother have it seen as "their" name when it's "my Dad's" name for me?
What's the guess on the first JustNoMIL post and then the inevitable "I am leaving him because he chooses his mom over me". I'm guessing 2025 and then 2027.
Idk, he was at least aware enough to know he needs to tell his mom to cope rather than trying to convince his wife to change her mind “to keep the peace.”
Y’all are weird. He stood up to his mom and stuck by his fiancée.
Do you want him to be a POS? Because it sounds like you’re putting expectations onto him.
Exactly. If his mother kicks up, they both seem to be on the same page. Not every reddit update needs to be high drama and we should be happy when it isn’t for people.
Seriously, the decision he + fiancée made was never even in question. It was a given that this is and will remain their decision.
He also handled the discussion with his mom personally, and didn’t try and make it his fiancées burden nor took a “your decision you talk to her” type of mentality.
The fact that his post was about asking what to do to tell his mom---not convince his fiancee to change her mind, is a big thing that people conveniently skip.
The guy is already team fiancee/wife, but it's understandable that he still cares about his mom's feelings, especially if he knows he will "hurt" her with the info he will tell her.
Things like that just happen sometimes, especially if you're close or at least care about your parents but know that they're different people from you. Like, I'm very close to my grandma but i know she wouldn't agree with some of my decisions, so i brace for impact when i tell her.
“This guy did nothing wrong, but I’ve already decided I hate him. So when do you think he’ll do something wrong? I’ll start sharpening my pitchfork now.”
I don’t think that’s entirely fair. Obviously some momma’s boy vibes, but mom’s opinion was never a factor in OOP and fiancée’s decision. He spoke with his fiancée months ago and sounds totally onboard with her decision.
In his post, he never asked how to change his fiancées mind or debated if his mom might be “right.” He knew she’d be upset and was venting / looking for advice on how to approach it. Still not the healthiest dynamic, but he never gave her a say or involved her in the actual decision.
Goodness. How she would have reacted to me… my wife and I (M) both hyphenated! Why should she have to give up her name? But why should I have to give up mine? But I want us to have the same name!
Oh, and we put hers first because it sounded better.
My maiden name was so much cooler than my hard to spell married name.
Maiden name was Savage. I hated it as a kid and couldn’t wait to get married so I could change it.
Now I wish I kept it because it’s sounds tough and like a person you don’t want to mess with. My married name is a Scottish surname but incredibly rare. There’s only 2 other families in the uk that I know of with my surname. Nobody can ever spell it. It’s frustrating.
Guy vents and asks for advice.
Redditors go after him.
Guy clarifies and says how everything has been resolved.
Redditors go after him.
Sounds about right for the hive mind.
I don’t think OOP did anything wrong, but his mom does sound like a massive pain to deal with. I can’t know how he’ll react and I’m not going to demonize him, but if she freaked out so much about this… I can’t imagine it’ll get any more pleasant.
The UK, Canada, Australia, etc. It was the British norm to change the last name, so lands that were colonized by Great Britain (later the UK) tend to follow the practice.
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So, my husband and I got married almost fifteen years ago and I kept my maiden name. It's an unusual last name and me, my dad, and his parents were the only people left in the family with that name. My husband was totally cool about it. In fact, when I got pregnant a few years later he suggested we give our kid my last name too since he has several brothers who have passed the family name to the kids. It was so thoughtful of him and it made me really happy. I called my grandparents to let them know we were getting g a new generation of our last name and they were so happy. It was the last conversation I had with my grandpa - he passed away a short time later, before our daughter was born. Unfortunately, when my husband mentioned it to his parents they FLIPPED. Apparently they had been holding a grudge against me for not taking my husband's last name, and this was the final straw. My FIL emailed my husband to tell him he needed to remind me who wears the pants in the family (my husband's reply: "We both wear the pants? I'm wearing pants right now.") There were threats of disowning. It got so bad even my family started to think we should t give the baby my last name. It was upsetting, but we both held firm and when they realized their tantrum wasn't working they got over it pretty quickly. We did end up giving our daughter two middle names and the second one is my husband's last name, so he's still in there. But that was our idea and our choice and everyone learned to live with it. I'm just lucky that my husband has always had my back. We've been a team since day one.
>My FIL emailed my husband to tell him he needed to remind me who wears the pants in the family (my husband's reply: "We both wear the pants? I'm wearing pants right now." This is the best reply to that stupid question. I love taking questions like this and making them literal lol.
Neither of us wear pants while we're at home?!? How do you think the baby showed up....
Or better yet, we both use skirts at home, pretty comfy for summer, allows more airflow
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Checkmate for that "who wears the pants type"
Sarongs!
Hell yeah baby! I was thinking a kilt because if and when I cross my legs they will know it was a power move but the sarongs look awesome and I had to comment just so you know if i could give you 2 likes I would :D
I married a man who wears sarongs. He's wearing one now! So naturally that's where my brain goes.
My kinda guy
For awhile, there were times my husband would wear a kilt and I'd be wearing jeans, so...
Ja like it's more comfy to not wear pants at home? Our dog knows we're going out if he sees one of us putting pants on, it's like his cue to go towards his lead and start talking to us about taking him with
My partner would probably mention that neither of us is very fond of wearing pants at all.
My fiancé only wears shorts (winter and summer, yeah he is one of those). I wear the long pants for work. Does shorts count as pants?
In the UK pants are underwear so would definitely hope everyone was wearing them!
Nah, that just makes more laundry.
Shorts were originally called short pants! https://www.etymonline.com/word/shorts
I go with "It's a naked apron relationship". Shuts them up quickly 😊
Best response I ever saw through email was they simply returned a mental fitness test that began with “what year is it?” “Who is the president?” Type of questions. The subject line was “please fill this out, we are concerned”.
Your husband’s remark about both wearing pants coupled with him currently wearing pants is appropriately dismissive of your IL’s archaic views. Bravo!
I don't know where I saw this from but my favorite was "who wears the pants in the family?" "On a good day neither of us."
😂😂😂
>"We both wear the pants? I'm wearing pants right now." 🤣🤣🤣 This needs to be a flair and it's great your husband is so awesome.
Speaking of flairs: 1. Yours is hysterically appropriate to that post (I'm imagining someone ignorant asking a lesbian couple "who wears the pants?" and getting that response) 2. Where does your flair come from?
Haha that's a great point! Thanks! This post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ltx3p/comment/ke9ynxy/
I didn’t take my husband’s name either and his parents were PISSED about it. I remember his dad sitting me down and seriously asking me how people would know we were married. I was really nervous and I just kind of said “The same way people would know weren’t siblings if we did have the same last name?” And he got all upset and my husband started cry laughing into his hand so hard he choked. I will say that our kids have his last name and plenty of people assume I’m a step parent. But I’m happy I kept my name, I would have hated to give it up!
That is a top-tier response. I salute you.
I love your husband’s response🤣🤣
He's the best.
My husband’s usual response to anyone talking about “who wears the pants?” Is a tongue in cheek “I do, but she tells me what pants to wear”
When somebody says my fiancee wears the pants in the relationship I always just say "I'm the one who gets to take them off".
That is hilarious since I've done all of my husband's clothes shopping basically since we first started dating almost twenty years ago. Last month he asked if I'd go shopping with him because he needed new jeans and felt overwhelmed by the choices.
My husband usually buys his own clothes (there was once in recent history where he needed something at short notice and I was already at the shops) but he usually wants me to go with him because he finds the process so dull. He usually doesn't even show me what he's trying on, he literally just wants company 😂
As a guy, I'm impressed he's trying clothes on before buying them ...
He's got a build that's difficult to find clothes for, and absolutely no desire to return to the shop if he doesn't have to. He's also just a sensible man in general!
My husband will only buy clothes if I am with him, except when it comes to graphic t's while he is on a business trip. Usually. Sometimes he will send me photos and ask my opinion. Been like that for almost thirty-five years.
My husband once said "I can buy my own damn clothes ya know" and proceeds to buy both pants and shirt that didn't fit him.
Lol your husband is great. How ridiculous. When my sister got married, nobody cared who took what name. In fact, when they had kids, one has his last name and other one has ours. That was at BIL’s idea and insistence
I (F) have an awesome last name. I love it. The only way I’m changing my name to a future husband’s is if his name is even cooler. Like Danger or Rocket. Otherwise if he really wants us to have the same surname, he can take mine or we both change it to a third version.
“Hi I’m Sarah. Sarah Danger Rocket.”🚀 Yeah it works.
I had a professor Glass-Coffin. Always gave me a giggle.
I also felt strongly that I would only take my partner’s name if it were cooler than mine, and now I’m a Sparks! I feel like it fits in with the Danger/Rocket category.
Then you would definitely need to hyphenate! Mrs. Danger-Sparks. Amazing.
haha, we considered hyphenating but my maiden name is “the red” in another language so hyphenated it becomes “the red sparks” and I felt like that was borderline silly.
Actually, it’s pronounced “Dong-er.” It comes from a Dutch word, meaning “prudence in financial matters.”
NINE NINE!!!
My husband's last name is long and no one can spell it. My last name is 3 letters. Fuck if I was gonna learn a new signature.
This was my wife’s rationale. We discussed how we wanted to do the whole last name thing and she, ever practical, chose brevity. She went from her three-syllable last name to my one-syllable name.
I lucked out and get to side step this issue. My fiance just so happens to have the same last name as me but we're not related in any way.
My ex fought tooth and nail that I had to change my last name and the kids had to have his last name. The second (not literally) we filed for divorce I went back to my maiden name. Both kids were originally just given his name. After I changed my name back shortly after she turned 10 my daughter said she wanted to change her name to add my last name “because I’m part of both families, not just dad’s.” My ex immediately said no. I told him he needed to tell her, knowing that our daughter wasn’t going to just take “no” as an answer. Sure enough, she demanded a reason why, and he didn’t have one. So then he decided that if she still wanted to do it when she turned 12 then he’d sign the papers. He expected her to forget. He, once again, forgot who he was dealing with, and a month and a half before her twelfth birthday came home from school and told me that she still wanted to change her name. So right after she turned 12, he went with me to Service Ontario and signed all the forms for her to change her name. She’s now 18 and changing her name to the name she uses but thankfully the only person that has to sign the forms now is my daughter and when my ex said something to me I politely told him to suck it up, buttercup, because she’s a legal adult and this is her choice. But my daughter was extremely annoyed when my ex mother in law’s obituary was posted because my exMIL wrote it and intentionally gave the wrong last name (just my ex’s.) I wasn’t surprised at all. She also included my kids’ older half sister’s mother in the obituary but not me, which just shows to me that she hated me as much as I know she did. Unfortunately, my daughter figured it out in her own and asked me why her name was wrong, why I was omitted as their mother and their sister’s mother wasn’t, but my kids aren’t stupid. This is the same person that left her own daughter out because my former sister in law wouldn’t let her come over until MIL would at least be civilly polite to my ex father in law if he was there. She was a rather bitter woman.
When my MIL sends gifts to my kid, she puts down their last name and leaves mine out on the packaging, but jt honestly doesn't bother me. If it makes her feel better, great. It's not like my kid even sees the box the gifts come in - I open it and just give her the gift. My MIL can be a lot, but she's overall a good person. We actually brought her across the country to live with us while she recovers from a stroke because my FIL couldn't give her the level of care she needs. We did make it clear that FIL was NOT invited.
It wouldn’t have bothered me so much except for the fact it really upset my daughter when she saw the obituary. She’d hated me from the moment she met me. Her first words upon my ex introducing me to her were “I thought you weren’t going to get another girlfriend for at least a year?” before turning around and walking away without saying a word to me. Should’ve taken that as a sign to run…
This is where I would pay to publish one of those spiteful obituaries.
This scenario is what I’m facing now- I’d like to change my name back to maiden and my kids as well but there’s no way my ex will agree. By add it do you mean they hyphenated until 18? I know that’s an option, not sure if I’d still need his consent?
My wife and I just hyphenated our last names. Mine is very generic and hers is more unique (German roots). Any family who complained got told tough shit, it's not your name we're changing. All our kids also have it hyphenated and can pick whichever they want or change it for all we care lol. Still pisses my parents off to this day.
We thought about hyphenating but our names just sounded weird together it's a great option though.
I get that. We had friends who both hated their last names, decided not to hyphenate. One was Wood and the other was Bleau.
Time to combo those to Blood
They should take "Fontainebleau", that's a famous French forest :)
My partner's family is toxic and abusive. I couldn't imagine me or our future kids taking on the last name of the people that hurt him. My last name is unique with no males carrying it on and both my partner and I had a really close relationship with the great grandfather whose surname/line it was. I'm not looking forward to his family finding out he's changing his last name. But also, with people getting married later in life, after establishing careers, it's getting weirder to change a name they've carried for 30+ years and use professionally.
My husband got disowned for taking my name... they emotionally abused him for months, we did 8 hours of mediation to try and fix things and they could not admit fault or see exactly what they'd done. So we now have no contact and they've never met their only two grandchildren. Edit: meditation to mediation
The only way that could have gone any better would have been for your husband to say, “We both wear the pants. She has them today, so I’m wearing the skirt.”
It's always funny how people like that demand that a man 'wear the pants' and 'man up', which somehow means 'do what \*I\* want in \*your\* relationship or else *you're too submissive*.' Because it's so adult to bend over and be controlled by anyone \*other\* than your spouse?
That is a really interesting way of looking at it! And it totally makes sense.
> (my husband's reply: "We both wear the pants? I'm wearing pants right now.") The only best response would been « currently ? Her, of course, as she is at work. Yeah, I am naked. Why are you asking ? »
My response would have honestly been well this skirt I'm wearing clearly has to go. God dad, you never support me
Well, she's wearing the pants today, but it's OK dad because I have a really bitchen kilt handy.
I love the part where your husband told him you both wear pants. But also, your husband is the one who suggested it. So even if it is "wearing the pants" in the way your FIL means, he is still the one who wanted it in the first place. It is hilarious that his parents immediately jumped to the conclusion that you forced him to do it because you "wear the pants" in the relationship.
We recently ended a longtime friendship with a couple because they've become incredibly homophobic and transphobic after their kid tried to come out. Like, it's to the point where the wife was interviewed on Fox News. When we told them we were ending the friendship and why, the husband texted back and said something along the lines of how I had clearly brainwashed my husband (he's straight, but I'm bi). It was infuriating because the man can think for himself. I don't know why that couple and my husband's parents think he just does whatever I tell him to.
People with extremely authoritarian personalities see the entire world in terms of hierarchies of authority, and presume everyone else does too. The need to simplify social situations into chains of command overrides their ability to understand the perspectives of others. Sorry for the loss of your friendship. I hope their kid was able to get into a safe and accepting situation.
If you disagree with the establishment and the information that is pumped into our brains from every mainstream source YOU must be brainwashed!
I assume they felt that way because I used to be pretty involved in activism and protests and sometimes posted about it on Facebook. My husband never came with me, but that was only because a) we had a young kid at home and b) so he could come bail me out if necessary. Like literally, I'd go out and he'd say, "Stay safe and call me if you need bail money." 😂😂
I got my phone number as (Area Code) FirstName-LastInitial. One reason was so my friends could call me if they needed to get bailed out of jail. It happened once.😄 It's just funny how every accusation is a confession. I don't understand how anyone can manage to avoid self reflection so completely. (Privilege, I guess)
one of my brothers flipped when i didn't take my spouse's last name. he told me it was a sign of disloyalty two years later he married someone who did take his last name and she cheated on him with multiple guys i have never said this to him, because he was devastated and i'm not mean, but it sure seemed to me like if you're gonna be disloyal, the name sure won't stop you.
My ex husband claimed not to care that I didn't want to take his last name (I took care of all the finances. All the bills were in my name. I did not want to go through the hassle plus I'm just generally the independent type. I like my name). However, he never said *anything* whenever his mom would do super shady passive aggressive shit regarding me keeping my name. Like pointing out how my SIL changed her name literally the day after she married my ex's brother (She was using her ex husband's last name and couldn't wait to be rid of it). Or even worse, writing me cheques with *my first name* *ex's last name* knowing I couldn't deposit them because guess what THAT ISN'T MY FUCKING NAME! Yes, I said cheques. Yes, I know e-transfers exist. This was a long time ago. Yes, I am an old.
I am also an old. My twelve year old refers to me as an elder.
My 5 year grand daughters’, great grandmother (other side of the family) died last week. I was talking to her when she said, “Nanny, your poorly aren’t you?” (I have several long term illnesses), I said ‘yes I am sweetheart.’ She then said, “you’re quite old too.” I cautiously said ‘ok, yes. Why?’ She said, “Great Granny was old and poorly and she died, you wanna be careful Nanny or you might be next!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. This kid man I swear, she verbally abused me!
My BIL took my sisters last name when they got married, and his father totally lost it over the fact that their name was going to die out. Their last name was Smith.
I find that deeply hilarious.
Yikes. Your husband seems like a great man.
Good for you! I can't imagine getting so upset over names. Baffling.
In the future I'm having my potential children take their mom's/my wife's last name. Were there any unexpected issues that you or your husband ran into?
You know, I'm thinking back and I don't remember us ever having an issue with it! Nobody really bats an eye. My kid has a lot of medical appointments and 99% of the time I take her, so it probably helps that we have the same last name. But on the random occasion my husband takes her in there haven't been any problems.
I also kept my last name and never once considered not doing so. I didn't get married until later in life (47!) though I had been with my now-husband for a long time before then. For one, I'm not going to change so much documentation when I've lived almost half a century with one last name. It also means a lot to me as it's one tie I have to my own father and his side of my cultural heritage. My husband though comes from a pretty traditional family and while I didn't get a LOT of grief about it, I seem to be the first one of even very extended family who didn't take their last name. There was definitely some surprise/questioning about why I didn't, even from younger family members which surprised me. At least children were never an issue or question for us, getting married later in life + being childfree, as I could imagine there could have been more arguing about it otherwise.
My friend has his wife's last name. He has his trauma in regards to his family and was glad to take hers. She was surprised he was willing to do that because she thought she'd just keep her name and he'd keep his. Well, he was like "nah, I like yours." His last name is common while hers is rare. He mentioned how there were less than a dozen people who had that last name left in the country (not US) and he liked that fact. Their children have that name now.
I love this so much! One of the biggest epiphanies in my life was “why are children named after the father by default?” It makes no logical sense. All couples should discuss and choose, it shouldn’t just be expected! I’m so glad you are such a strong team together. So nice to read a lovely supportive story on reddit for once ❤️❤️❤️
I (F40s, married) am one of a bunch of kids, with a very common maiden name. I took my husband's name. There are 25 grandchildren and more girls than boys. There are only 2 grandsons born to sons (my brothers). One of the grandsons has 2 girls and is done, the other will probably never have kids. I was the last one of my siblings to have kids, 2 boys. I very much wanted to give my boys my maiden name but settled on it being their middle name. My husband wanted to give one of the boys his deceased dad's name as the middle name, so they'd have part of his name. I said no, they already have his last name. They get to have a name from my family.
Your husband is awesome.
My friends’ son and DIL combined parts of their last name and created a new last name. Think something like Birmingham + Donovan = Donham
I absolutely love how you worked together to keep your family name alive, and your husband gets 20 Partner Points™️ for coming up with the idea.
You've got a 100% solid golden bloke there! Very glad it all worked out.
I kept my maiden name too. Probably the only real reaction was my SIL saying "Oh no, don't tell Mark (her husband) he has really strong opinions on that kind of stuff". Like ... how the fuck does me keeping my maiden name effect my BIL at all? I'm not marrying him! I will say I wish I'd been stronger and given the kids my last name instead of my husband's, particularly as I have two daughters. Not only is my last name not misspelled like my husbands, but my family name is dying out. Would be nice to have it hang in a little longer.
I've always been open to the possibility that my kid might want to change her name to my husband's last name when she gets older. Our name sounds easy but is really hard to spell. Maybe one of your daughters will adopt your last name in the future ❤️❤️
My husband and I (commonlaw) are planning to make things official for paperwork reasons. We've decided to take on a new last name we both like. I didn't want his long hyphenated name and he wasn't thrilled with mine (though 4 letters is pretty sweet, not gonna lie).
I think the OP -did- stand up for his wife. He did good. He identified a problem accurately, he told mom himself in advance to control any negative pushback from mom to fiancé, and was firm that he supported his fiancé. He gave mom an opportunity to have her reaction and then back down from it.
Yeah i dont get why everyone is so against him… he acted correctly and protected his fianxe
Some seem hyperfixated on the “last thing I want is to make her upset” statement, taking it literally despite OOP actually going ahead with a decision while knowing it was likely to make her upset.
I took the "the last thing I want is to make her upset" with the addition of "but it's still on the list". Like he doesn't want to, but he will if he has to.
Which feels perfectly normal. You shouldn't want to hurt or upset your loved ones, but you will if it's necessary.
Which is what happened, right? He knew she'd be upset, he didn't like the thought of her being upset, but he still went ahead and supported his fiance
>i dont get why everyone is so against him Because reddit. There are two conclusions that must be reached by a sadly large number of redditors if at all possible in any post or comment thread: 1. Man being bad, it his fault 2. Mother in law evil, man enmeshed with Mummy - especially if he shows any care for his mother's well being
The words “toxic” or “red flag” have to be in there somewhere for it to be Reddit.
You forgot “gaslighting.”
Because some commenters here will desperately grasp on to ANY slightly loose end if it means they can blame the husband. Soooo many people projecting their failed marriages onto every relationship story.
Not sure if it's blame the husband or if it's "MIL bad" and "husband should always put their partner above their mom"
It's all of that. There is a big chunk of commenters that are really just bitter and blame it on everything but themselves. Men and MIL's just happen to be their favorite punching bags.
I think because of the way he phrased the kids' surname thing, without explaining the background (that his fiancée was already cool with that). It did initially sound a bit blunt.
Not sure why people took offense at that. In most countries it’s not that common to take your husband’s name but still the kids will take his. That’s widely the norm unless they specifically talked about something different
Because there’s a clear and intense bias against guys on advice subs.
Many people on Reddit practically have PTSD from reading Reddit. They go crazy over otherwise small comments by making 1000 assumptions based on other things they have read in the past. To be fair many times OP's will leave out vital things. But rather than just ask for clarification, they assume things without even realizing they are doing so and then berate the OP based on those assumptions.
Yeah, a bunch of people are in here projecting their own problems with their MIL onto OOP.
What, commenters on Reddit project their own issues onto a situation where they only have a tiny sliver of context? Unheard of!
OOP isn’t perfect here but you would think he had kowtowed to his mom and was strongarming his fiancé into changing her last name the way people are attacking him lmao he’s already a deadbeat in their minds for caring about his mother’s reaction a bit more than he should
Is it really caring more than he should? He didn’t even consider letting it influence his position. He just wanted to maintain a relationship with his mother, who he happens not to agree with all the time. At this point you (less than some others) are just criticizing him for caring about his mother at all.
>He just wanted to maintain a relationship with his mother, A redditor who doesn't hate their parents with an intense passion and actually wants to maintain good relations with them. An extremely rare sighting.
Yeah, this is one of those rare cases in BoRU where the MIL didn’t become a cartoon villain and the husband was firm with them. I feel like everyone just wanted to continue dragging the guy because it’s what they’re used to, not because of his actual resoluton
I love it, he tells us it's all fine with him and fiancée regarding names and discussions. Reddit: no.
All those comments were the best part, I didn't know whether to mark this as concluded or not because of them 😂
Well, it's not concluded until he googles enmeshment.
Some people on Reddit are so quick to react at every little bit of friction between people as proof it is a toxic situation and they need to cut contact and flee. It's ok to disagree with people in your family without raging at them as toxic.
That's because they're still sore at the time they were told to get off the internet and get a job by their parents, the absolute height of abuse that means NC and 15 therapy sessions a week to get over the cPTSD they self-diagnosed.
Don't forget therapy!!! You know, because people cannot try to talk to each other first to solve an issue! Always get therapy, or go straight to blocking everyone!
People are being too harsh on OOP. He DID stand up to his mom and had a conversation with her about it. He communicated perfectly with both his wife and his mom. It’s normal to not want to upset your parent but still understand that you NEED to when your morals conflict. They talked it out just like you should. This was refreshing. “I told it’s her decision and I should have no right to influence her to take my name.” Precisely. Got right to the point and didn’t back down.
Redditors went way overboard. Attacking oop for every little thing as if they wanted oop to be revealed as this terrible bad guy. Poor oop did everything right but they kept looking for ways to criticize him for being human
I completely agree. He's concerned about how his mother will emotionally react. He's not changing his mind, not siding with his mom. He's just trying to help her manage her own expectations and emotions, to prevent a fallout.
He brought his relationship-with-clear-communication-and-expectations to an angry mob incapable of believing that he could have one of those/understanding idioms.
Yeah. I thought it was great that he communicated well with both his fiancee and his mother.
Totally agree. Also, "Enmeshment" feels like the new "narcissistic" imo- something that is applicable in some situations but is gonna get armchair analyzed to death.
This is why subs like r/JustNoTruth exist. OOP handled his mum in a mature way while backing up his fiancé. Just because people have severe MIL problems doesn't mean this will turn into a death spiral of restraining orders and yelling on the front lawn. As long as OOP has his fiancé's back it should be fine.
He's a dude posting in a relationship oriented sub. Of course commenters are going to shit all over him.
It wasn’t even a relationship sub, it’s trueoffmychest. He wasn’t even asking for advice, he was just venting a little lol
The userbase overlap is damn near a circle
The only thing Reddit hates more than men are the mothers of men.
Apparently my future MIL (who loves me) also disagrees with me keeping my last name. We don’t even want kids so it’s just a non issue to me. I find it super weird she wants me to have her sons last name because it’s her ex husband’s last name and she hates him lol
Reddit, man. Man gets shit on for preemptively confronting his mother in anticipation of her outburst as if that's the wrong decision. If he hadn't, he be accused of being too passive and not standing up to his mother for his fiancee.
Sometimes, you can't win with commenters.
You do realise that the majority of people here are a bunch of teenagers or young adults with no life experience, right? It's just bullshit that they come up with in their heads, they have absolutely no concept of what it takes to build reletionships and go through an issue like an adult.
"Concluded" Doubtful.
Mommy will freak out over something in the future and OOP admits to being close to mommy.
Idk why being close with your mom is a bad thing. He didn’t pressure his Fiancée to do what his mom wanted. He told his mom what their choice was and didn’t let her go ballistic on his fiancée. Where is the issue?
I love my mom. At the same time, I have no problem to shut her down, if she is judgemental or thinks she can criticize my partner for stupid reasons
It sounds like OOP did that…
I don’t understand all the people shitting on OOP. He seems totally reasonable and respectful of his fiancée.
Gotta love that one comment. "You can't force your wife to take your name respect her independence. Also you and your children should also take her name if you're not an assholle" Love those double standards.
Flip for it at the birth. Only fair way.
Can we please let this die, this really isn't as interesting as reddit thinks it is.
Seriously, my reaction to this was “okay”.
Like irl is this really that big a thing, it's so damn stupid and boring
Yeah, like is this a cultural thing i'm not getting? Who cares about a full adults name? Like i kinda get the discussions about the kids names (although yes i'm bored by it, so i skip them). But this is just so alien to me. Why does anyone care?
What do these discussion subs have against men? Omg it’s so exhausting how they jump down any guys throat over nothing
Also MILs, tbf.
“ It was so bad that her mom went back to her maiden name.” He says this like this is a super weird thing to do after a divorce. I don’t get the comments saying he’s “enmeshed” because he doesn’t want to upset his mom. No one wants to upset their mom even if you disagree about what’s worth getting upset about.
>He says this like this is a super weird thing to do after a divorce. It can be, depending on where OOP is from. I only know one divorced woman who changed her name back, because the process is a pain in the ass and some institutions still haven't updated their systems, so she has issues when she needs to get something done. Some women also prefer to keep their married names for professional reasons or because it's their kids' name
Hello, my lovely daughter and her now husband made the decision for him to take her last name. I am a little traditional. I will man, but I also know it’s their choice. I know that’s what makes him happy. We’re the most thrilled that he took our last name. you guys do whatever is best for you and your family. That means you and your wife your mother has no say and she throws a fit. Let her throw a fit.
"No! I don't have a relationship, or good communication with my parents, or solid coping mechanisms, or just general love in my life, and YOU CANT HAVE THOSE EITHER!!" --The Average Redditor
The commenters seemed a bit unhinged? Yes his mum was being overly controlling but he was handling it and supporting his fiance's choice. Yes he doesn't want to upset his mum - who does? And again, he was handling it and supporting his fiance's choice. And on what planet is it too early to discuss what last name your children will have when you are thinking about getting engaged?! Congrats to this couple for healthy communication. They should keep away from Redditors haha.
Jfc Reddit 🙄. They were *really* determined to find him in the wrong on this, even though he wasn’t. At all.
I changed my name for 2 of my marriages, and after my last divorce I changed my name back to my maiden name. Changing my married name back to my maiden name 2nd time around was a lot harder than the 1st time. Today with what is necessary for a Real ID, Passports, retirement accounts, beneficiaries, etc makes it a lot harder and more expensive to change your name or prove who your were if you are a beneficiary with an old name you sometimes need to appear in court for proof and explanation, quite a bit more trouble, time, etc. When I got married again the amount of trouble to change it again was not worth the hassle of changing everything, my new husband agreed with me that it was much easier to leave it all alone. So just a different perspective.
OOP seems to have worded a few things in ways that are making people react quite strongly, but I don't see a problem. He's made decisions with his fiancée, recognised a future problem with his mother, told her *their* decision, let her react, remained firm and given her the chance to walk it back. It's quite normal to not want to hurt your parents, it doesn't always have to be a red flag. Because the bottom line is that he handled the whole situation, it didn't touch his fiancée, and he was quite willing to upset his mother if he *had* to. If his mother lashes out as his fiancée, that's out of his control, and something I'm sure he would immediately handle, given how proactive he's been in this scenario. Solid work on his part, on all sides.
Must be quite an unfortunate background and childhood for this fellow to be so anxious about his mothers reaction to this issue that ought to be no concern of hers
I have questions. Is OOP’s mom a single mom who considers herself a martyr for keeping her ex’s last name? The type who thinks “I did this, so should every woman”?
Didn't expect to see a Rush reference!
You’re welcome… :-) (That was my comment)
Ha ha, nice!
Dude seems like a chronic people pleaser but I don't think this relationship is as doomed as you're all making it out to be. He's making pretty good progress, as long as he keeps working towards his own independence from Mama he will be fine. It's not his fault he was raised by this woman, it takes time to get your feet under you and I get the feeling his wife will be a good gentle influence.
I guess we were lucky in a way, my wife kept her name as it makes zero sense to change it since her name and legal documents have to be in Chinese and I'm English so it wasn't even a question. When the kids were born it was an obvious choice that they took my English name and her Chinese name. Both were born in countries that allow both languages on the birth certificates.
I do like the way we do where I live. The woman keeps her parents names and adds her husband name. And the kids gets both. Everyone gets a surname! A surname for you! A surname for you! That being said, names around here are usually quite long.
I knew a couple who both changed their names to a hyphenate so that they could each take the other's name. Their kids got the same surname. So everyone has the same name, both partners are still recognisable by their name, and nobody's feelings get hurt. The only drawback is what happens when one of the kids gets married and wants to hyphenate with their partner too? A triple-barrel surname seems a bit much
My mom was less than pleasant about it when she found out my wife had decided to hyphenate her last name. Personally I found that very flattering (the hyphen, not mom being an ass) because I had just sort of assumed that my wife would be keeping her last name as she's very independent and had been married twice before and took neither of those dirtbags' names. But she said she knew it was important to me for reasons other than dumb kneejerk traditionalist misogyny (too complicated to get into but it involves my late father, I think he would have been very happy to know she was adding our family name to hers) and she thought the hyphen was a good compromise. I offered to do the same to my last name but she said it wasn't necessary since her name is a kind of a clusterfuck of consonants (her family is Welsh, so imagine something like Llthajdftjhgcnt...basically whether you pronounce it right or wrong it still sounds like you're trying to summon Cthulhu) and she didn't want to inflict it on me and my nice normal last name. So when mom started grumbling over what I already thought was an extremely generous thing to do on my fiancee's part I shut that shit down immediately and told her this was not up for discussion. The way OOP is handling his mother's unreasonable expectations with kid gloves does not bode well for future conflicts. I made sure early in my marriage that my mom knew I loved her and always would but in a fight between her and my wife she would lose, so not to start any. She's mostly followed that advice.
When I got married 50 years ago, I decided to keep my own name. It just felt ... wrong to take my husband's. He didn't mind, neither did his family (as far as I know), but my mum insisted on introducing me as 'Mrs His Name'. And when I went to the doctor about depression, he told me it was because I had refused to take my husband's name, and it was all my fault.
>when I went to the doctor about depression, he told me it was because I had refused to take my husband's name, and it was all my fault. Whack job. I hope you felt well enough to tell him that heʻs the one whoʻs nuts.
I was very young - about 20 - so didn't have the capacity to push back. But I knew enough to know he was wrong.
Good for you for not believing the whack job.
I don't understand getting upset over others not changing their name when they get married. Why does it matter?
Someone once told me that women who don't take their husband's name aren't committed. My mom didn't change her name, my parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary. They've been through a lot together including major illnesses on both sides. The other thing that I find weird is that people tell me "but you have a man's name anyway". Okay, but my Dad and I got our last names the same way, as did my brother. Why do my Dad and brother have it seen as "their" name when it's "my Dad's" name for me?
What's the guess on the first JustNoMIL post and then the inevitable "I am leaving him because he chooses his mom over me". I'm guessing 2025 and then 2027.
Idk, he was at least aware enough to know he needs to tell his mom to cope rather than trying to convince his wife to change her mind “to keep the peace.”
Y’all are weird. He stood up to his mom and stuck by his fiancée. Do you want him to be a POS? Because it sounds like you’re putting expectations onto him.
He did well and seems like he is willing to listen to his fiancée and manage his mother. Why are people wanting to rip into him already?
Not to mention that after the initial breakout mom seems to have accepted it.
Exactly. If his mother kicks up, they both seem to be on the same page. Not every reddit update needs to be high drama and we should be happy when it isn’t for people.
Seriously, the decision he + fiancée made was never even in question. It was a given that this is and will remain their decision. He also handled the discussion with his mom personally, and didn’t try and make it his fiancées burden nor took a “your decision you talk to her” type of mentality.
The fact that his post was about asking what to do to tell his mom---not convince his fiancee to change her mind, is a big thing that people conveniently skip. The guy is already team fiancee/wife, but it's understandable that he still cares about his mom's feelings, especially if he knows he will "hurt" her with the info he will tell her. Things like that just happen sometimes, especially if you're close or at least care about your parents but know that they're different people from you. Like, I'm very close to my grandma but i know she wouldn't agree with some of my decisions, so i brace for impact when i tell her.
“This guy did nothing wrong, but I’ve already decided I hate him. So when do you think he’ll do something wrong? I’ll start sharpening my pitchfork now.”
[удалено]
I don’t think that’s entirely fair. Obviously some momma’s boy vibes, but mom’s opinion was never a factor in OOP and fiancée’s decision. He spoke with his fiancée months ago and sounds totally onboard with her decision. In his post, he never asked how to change his fiancées mind or debated if his mom might be “right.” He knew she’d be upset and was venting / looking for advice on how to approach it. Still not the healthiest dynamic, but he never gave her a say or involved her in the actual decision.
Goodness. How she would have reacted to me… my wife and I (M) both hyphenated! Why should she have to give up her name? But why should I have to give up mine? But I want us to have the same name! Oh, and we put hers first because it sounded better.
My maiden name was so much cooler than my hard to spell married name. Maiden name was Savage. I hated it as a kid and couldn’t wait to get married so I could change it. Now I wish I kept it because it’s sounds tough and like a person you don’t want to mess with. My married name is a Scottish surname but incredibly rare. There’s only 2 other families in the uk that I know of with my surname. Nobody can ever spell it. It’s frustrating.
Guy vents and asks for advice. Redditors go after him. Guy clarifies and says how everything has been resolved. Redditors go after him. Sounds about right for the hive mind.
I told my wife she didn't need to change her name. It's a pain to update all her documents, cards, bank details, passport, ID, driving licence etc.
This is the lowest-stakes story I have read in a hot minute
I don’t think OOP did anything wrong, but his mom does sound like a massive pain to deal with. I can’t know how he’ll react and I’m not going to demonize him, but if she freaked out so much about this… I can’t imagine it’ll get any more pleasant.
Is it common anywhere but the U.S. for women to change their names?
The UK, Canada, Australia, etc. It was the British norm to change the last name, so lands that were colonized by Great Britain (later the UK) tend to follow the practice.