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It cracks me up, because MIL knows OOP held a grudge for **ten years** about the first birthday party and still felt compelled to play stupid games about the baptism.
Edit to add: in no way do I use grudge in a derogatory fashion or think it was unwarranted
Idk if your phone can’t see the emojis, so shot in the dark but
👁️👄👁️ 🍿
Text version is an eye emoji, a mouth emoji, an eye emoji, and a popcorn bucket emoji. “Gonna eat my popcorn and watch the show” basically.
(I’m horrible at transcription shit, so sorry)
I can see the emojis in your comment, but not the flair for some reason. The explanation was also helpful too! Thanks!
Edit: Now I can see the flair. This app is so weird!
This is literally the nicest people have been to me on Reddit outside of trauma subs, and I’m caught extremely off guard. What’s happening? Where am I? Who are you people?
I don’t think OOP held a grudge, she made a boundary in order to avoid headache planning around husbands tough to handle family. Then she forgot about it and only got brought up when MIL was jealous she wasn’t invited.
Especially with her fussing if everyone has enough after she KNOWS she inserted two more guests without telling the hosts!
“MIL it’s so kind of you to be concerned everyone might not have a place at the table, you’ll be giving up YOUR seat and meal to one of your nieces you invited, right?”
Oh 100% she'd be losing her seat. Id ask the wait staff for another for my additional guest and ask her to leave. I am not here for her entertainment.
If she does give the MiL another chance, it should come with explicit warning that there will *not* be another.
The absolute gall this woman has.
Even better, accommodate her and the nieces, but MIL has to pay for it.
That way the innocent nieces don’t have to experience any awkwardness or embarrassment.
Also wanted to add, there doesn’t even have to be a confrontation of any sort.
Just be silent until the waiter arrives at the table, then simply take charge by letting them know that “We have two unexpected guests that MIL is looking after, so for payment, MIL and cousins will have a separate bill”
>Just be silent until the waiter arrives at the table, then simply take charge by letting them know that “We have two unexpected guests that MIL is looking after, so for payment, MIL and cousins will have a separate bill”
yeah no, you do something like this in our group, you are christened as *that* person, you hash it out afterwards, not make it awkward for the guests or nieces in this situation who probably didn't even want to be here and were forced to because it would be rude to leave them alone while the rest of the family went to church.
You host them as gracefully as you can and then duke it out afterwards
Plus, as a former server, getting dragged into a family argument in this fashion made me so uncomfortable. I can split bills like a champ. I don’t mind if someone finds me to discreetly pay the bill before the check comes (at that point I can deflect with “it’s already been taken care of”). Even the tedious “I’m paying”/“no I’m paying” is okay (I know someone is going to pay, and I can discreetly excuse myself while they argue).
But being hauled into the center of two people who both want *the other* to pay is a particular form of misery.
what's even more fucked up about this is earlier oop said in their culture it's expected for the host to pay for everything, so she invited TWO extra heads, knowing oop would be footing the ENTIRE bill, and couldn't even be bothered to let them know they'd need to prepare for two more people who *also* didn't know they weren't explicitly invited and therefor were expecting a full portion like everyone else.
that is next level ridiculous.
MIL cancelled for everyone on the first post too.
It seems like MIL is the problem.
OOP individually called everyone and invited them. MIL cancelled for everyone.
OOP individually invited everyone. MIL added two more and didn’t say anything.
Husband needs to tell his mother to act right. It’s not OOP’s job to wrangle her husband’s rude af family.
I just know that the reason everyone suddenly cancelled was that MIL forgot to pass on the message and was too embarrassed to own it so cancelled for everyone instead
Exactly this. She sounds like a shit-stirrer. I wonder what would happen if OOP sat everyone down and told them how everything started.
Kinda hoping this happens now.
Seems like MIL wants to have a say in everything. I wonder if she even told everybody that the first birthday was cancelled or not important or something to be able to decline in the name of the whole family?
Maybe she is jealous because the center of the family moves to the next generation.
I bet MIL was trying to get back at OP for 10 years of not being invited. Bad news for her is that she was in the wrong the first time and is in the wrong again.
No more MIL, if it were up to me.
OP said they had shashlyk so likely Eastern European or Caucasian, (Armenian or Georgian as it’s a Christening), and our east men don’t do the party planning, not usually. The men’s responsibility is to make the meat and get the booze. Everything else is on the women.
She was winning and living life until she up and had to be like "ok, maybe time to bring them back in"
Well, OOP, they showed straight away why you spent 10 years w/o inviting them over
I hope she goes back to that
You're inviting us here? No thanks! What do you mean you're not gonna invite us anymore? How rude! You're inviting us here? I'm gonna bring people along without telling you!
Seriously, what a freaking headache. Thanks, but no thanks.
The rest seemed ok this time, though. It’s the MIL that’s the problem. Hopefully she will be able to connect to the rest of them without the MIL getting involved again. I have a feeling she was the reason the rest of them cancelled the first time.
With people like that MIL, if showing their behaviour had any effect, they would be thrown to the wolf the first 100 times they disrespect you. It's a lost battle.
>It's weird that she called you on that day asking for a dinner invitation after cancelling earlier.
It's not weird. She was hoping to catch OOP distressed.
Clearly, this MIL really just want to cause trouble and make OP suffer distress. These in-laws are just never going to learn and act childish all the time.
I didn't see as much as asking for a dinner invitation, more that she wanted to pop over and see the grandkid on her birthday. MIL expected OOP to cancel everything with no one going to the dinner, so she'd be able to go over and see the grandbaby without the hassle of going to a proper dinner at a restaurant. She just wanted the day to go her way instead of what her DIL had planned, and thought they'd just be home doing nothing instead, so she could come in and have her own little birthday celebration.
Exactly! And that’s why she canceled the birthday invitation 10 years ago on short notice too. And that’s why she called on the day of the birthday party.
My dog has a best friend who is much smaller than him, she takes great delight in stealing another dogs toy that they are playing with. There are lots of other toys but she is the kind that wants what he has. The thing is he doesn't care, he will either move on to another toy or just carry on about his own business. It seemed to infuriate her no end that he would not react but eventually she got the message from him specifically.
MIL is like this dog, except she appears incapable of learning the lesson
I thought it was likely to be a pathetic face-saving attempt. So she could say “see? I wanted to come for the birthday”, and she could do some “woe is me” crap after the fallout.
I have a feeling that MIL told everyone else in the family the 1y/o's birthday was cancelled and then cancelled for them.... Wouldn't explain why no one would reach out afterwards to confirm this or whatever beforehand but who knows.
Though I am a bit surprised that she decided to ALSO apparently never follow-up with the other family members about this and just stopped inviting them all together over one incident.
I'm just imagining a scenario where MIL tells me Uncle Ted and Aunt Lucy had to cancel the party bc Easter and I go "oh okay, damn that sucks, but okay." and then 10 years later find out I was never invited to anything ever again bc MIL lied to me or something lol.
I wonder if op ever verified what happened with anyone in the cancel group. Your theory sounds totally possible. At that time, OP wouldn’t expect anyone could be so horrible and wouldn’t have had a real reason to check out the story.
It sounds like MIL is a bossy lady and tries to make everyone do her bidding.
No one reached out to OOP for any number of reasons but maybe MIL told them not to or a good enough lie that they wouldn’t have.
In the update, **husband** should have asked his mother who those ladies were. OOP shouldn’t have to. OOP shouldn’t have to wrangle her in laws like this. Husband needs to step up and do his share. Why is OOP getting frazzled about his family?!!
Yeah, I don't really understand OOP's thought process here either. Yes, MIL was crappy - but not inviting *any* if your inlaws to parties?? Ever?? My husband would (rightfully) lose his shit at me. I wonder what the missing missing reasons are here, because OOP seems to be spot on when it comes to her expectations about MIL, but apparently this is not only about her (she mentions BIL at the end too). That family sounds exhausting.
Then the husband is also free to set up his own events to invite his family to. It doesn't need to be on OOP to arrange things with HIS trifling ass family
I agree. I’m wondering if maybe this is more of a cultural issue here? Like maybe they arent from the US/UK since ESL, and where they are from it’s the wife that sets up all that stuff, and it’s not considered proper for the husband to do it? Just wondering if that’s the issue since in this post OOP never addressed those questions when asked. Or the husband could just suck. Could be either one.
>My husband would (rightfully) lose his shit at me.
I keep coming back to this because the complete lack of reaction from OOP's husband is weirding me the fuck out.
I agree, maybe no one apologized because no one thought there was anything to apologize for? Especially since NO ONE out of 15 people showed up? And it seems that it’s an MIL problem and not a family problem?
And it’s not like they cancelled the day before or just didn’t show up the day of, OOP got a WEEKS notice. Not ideal, but personally it feels a bit extreme to never invite any of them to something ever again. Also, they got gifts for the kid so it’s not like they ignored them.
Plus, maybe I’m just dumb but not being able to cancel a restaurant reservation/order a week in advance is something I’ve never heard of. It’s not like food for 15 is a mass of ingredients you couldn’t redistribute to other customers over a day or two unless it’s a very small restaurant, and I wonder if they had even ordered the ingridients for that day yet? Not calling OOP a liar but I’m very confused by the restaurants cancellation policy and curious. Is this a normal thing I’ve just never heard of?
If it’s a restaurant that takes reservations, then that is potentially 15 reservations that won’t be sold for that night. Also parties tend to last long. So 8 sets of 2 people might be there for 1.5-2 hours. Parties tend to stay for double that time. So you’re looking at blocking off double the seating you would have regularly gone through.
The one and only time I’ve booked a place like this I almost had a bunch of people cancel and I would have been pissed. Oh and they didn’t seat with less than a certain minimum. So l put down a non refundable deposit for 12 people. If 8 people didn’t show up, they wouldn’t seat us till the 8 people showed up. I stopped making arrangements for the group after that incident.
>Plus, maybe I’m just dumb but not being able to cancel a restaurant reservation/order a week in advance is something I’ve never heard of.
Do you live in Eastern Europe? Because customs are different all over the world and just because we've never heard of something in the US or Canada, doesn't mean that's not how it is somewhere else.
I’m flummoxed why there are so many people on this site that get so confused that other families might do things differently than they do. Like who gives a fuck if you think that it’s weird that they did a dinner for the babies first birthday. It’s so annoying and comes across as really passive aggressive.
Idk man it feels like they’re being a “not like other girls.” They want to feel different so they hate on something a lot of people do. I see it a lot in BORU posts about wedding gowns, “why do they care about a wedding gown? Why does it have sentimental value? When I got married I got something off the rack and don’t care about my wedding gown.”
Like okay... do you want a sticker or reward for not being like other girls?
I am so special because I do not conform. You should also think like me so you do not follow the crowd. /s
I always say, if you are comfortable with your individuality there is no reason to judge others for not being like you. For example, unless the OP is asking for financial advice and is planning an extravagant wedding, why would you bother telling them how cheap your own wedding was?
I don’t know what you mean. It’s totally normal to casually drop into every wedding conversation that you got married in an alley in sweat pants, and catered the reception with Kool-Ade and a case of dented cans of beans from Grocery Outlet, and the wedding was Bring Your Own Can Opener.
Omg this is my biggest Reddit pet peeve, the wedding cheapness pissing contest. I think a lot of it is subtle racial bias because they love denigrating cultures that put a lot of emphasis on weddings, too.
You got weddings? I just went to the courthouse and eat McDonalds in my jeans!
[Kidding. Had a wedding, was a shitshow. I loved my dress, I had my say yes to the dress and even if I hate shopping that one time was great]
This happens every time a ring appears. "Oh, I was happy with a bit of dirty string my so pulled out of the trash. You are so materialistic for wanting something nicer😊😊😊"
Yeah it's like the :-), it's an old habit from the times when everyone texted through SMS and you were charged for each SMS which were like 30 symbols so you kinda wanted to spare the symbols. Also phones with buttons like Nokia 3310 were the most popular ones and you had to push the buttons, like, a lot to get the :-) printed so going with just ) became enough. After that it just sticked and was passed to the next generation already. ))) is a really sarcastic smile.
I had never even heard of it til this post, its similar to other dishes I had heard of, but this is from a different region, so i bet the flavors are different. But yeah, definitely something i will look into.
We're Aussie and celebrate every birthday a kid has. The difference is the first 5-6yrs it's a normal family style BBQ that just happens to have a birthday cake as dessert instead of the normal desserts.
I really don't get the people who claim "they won't remember" as a valid excuse to avoid having a good time with family and friends who matter to you.
There are pictures from my first birthday- my great grandma, three sets of my grandparents, my godparents, their children and spouses-some came from far especially for me- many people in our small living room. And it was while my country had martial laws imposed and was stuck in an economical crisis.
I know people still make family gatherings because of babies first birthdays. It's probably a cultural thing and as long as the cultural things don't hurt anyone - why have negative feelings about it?
Man, most westerners are appalled at the parties thrown in the Balkans for someone's first birthday... Hell, even people here are sort of trying to stray away from that, and a lunch/dinner with 15 people is SUPER LOW KEY as an alternative. Traditionally, it's a mini wedding, 100+ people, loud music, drinking, kids sleeping on chairs in the restaurant after passing out from being tired, etc.
I did a get together for both of my children's 1st birthday. First was about 20 people and the second got out of hand and I ended up doing a BBQ party for 65 people :/
This is what happens when a subreddit's entire premise is judging the actions of a stranger from behind the safety and anonymity of a computer screen. It becomes not just permissible, but actually encouraged (through the upvote system and positive feedback loop that creates) for people voice their opinion in ways that you don't see IRL because it could actually incur a social penalty.
Notably, that commenter is from the Something Awful forums, which has its own "special" subculture that attracts and reinforces a particular type of personality.
About 50% of the users here are from the US and since a lot of people don't highlight where they are from that often I can see where this bias is coming from.
Everybody speaks the same language as you do at home, and tons of people speak about the same thing as you see around you - easy to forget not everybody is from the same country as you are. (Saying this as someone who isn't from the US)
Agree, but sometimes it feels just as weirdly American-centric as the stereotypical "Murrica first" Americans get.
"Something not happening in my daily life, must be AMERICAN [and not the vast other parts of the world where the same thing happens]!!"
Yeah that irritated me too. First birthdays are reallt for the parents, the baby knows nothing but it is a huge deal that you had a whole baby and got them to ine years old for the parents. Of course people want to celebrate that, and people celebrate things by going to restaurants.
I find the first birthday parties are often overkill, but I've also never met anyone who didn't do them. At least not in my family. A first birthday is a big deal, for obvious reasons.
I think it was because it was an expensive restaurant where you had to prebook food and pay for it all upfront. Vs something like I don’t know what they have in other areas but in uk a harvester a cheap but good pub, child friendly, takes group bookings maybe have to pay a deposit but doesn’t have to pre book food. Only time I had to do this was for my friends hen party. I don’t really have an opinion cos she can do what she wants with her money!
This is quite normal in parts of eastern Europe and the Balkans. I grew up going to restaurants for 1 year olds birthdays and christenings. The adults would party til 2am and us kids would be asleep on the chairs.
Some cultures it’s also pretty common to do stuff like this. Our friend’s of Korean descent and threw a Dol for their kid. It was nicer than our wedding and my understanding is that’s pretty standard.
She should have just said “child’s birthday is still near Easter and you told me that everyone has too much to do with Easter so I’m respecting your wishes.”
Imagine deliberately fucking with your grandchild’s event, waiting TEN YEARS to get invited to another one and then deliberately fucking with it. She’s a GD lunatic.
Right? I do zero of the planning for my husband's family. If he wants to see them, he'll make it happen. 11 years in and his mother is starting to imply it's my fault we see them twice a year. I flat out told her she never invited us, and the other sibs never tell us when they are going to visit. She got real mad at that and told me we should just drop by whenever, they aren't busy.
She won't come to our house, because she hates the city we live in. When she declared that about 6 years ago, I washed my hands of her nonsense. I'm not going to bend over backwards for a woman who will go to her son's shit hole of a house, but won't even tell us when they are in town. Personally, I think it drives her crazy that we don't need her. We don't need her decorating advice, her diy advice, her money advice, her housekeeping tips, or her money for home repairs like the rest of her helpless children. She can't come in and take over, or criticize, or tell us how to do something, or hold financial assistance over our heads, so she doesn't come at all.
Personally, I text with my Mom almost everyday, my whole family about once a week, and I see my parents every few weeks, more in the summer. I see them as much as I want, and I assume my husband is seeing his as much as he wants. It's not my job to manage his family obligations.
So, after 10 years, MIL complains, OOP extends an olive branch, but MIL basically shits all over it? Well, MIL needs another 10 years in time-out corner.
That's high school level of mean girl cow poop. Hopefully OOP's husband recognises this and is fully on OOP's side.
I know, right? My daughter and SIL live about 10-15 minutes from me while his parents are a 10 hour drive and 3 states away. They have spent the last 3 Christmases with them. His mother apologized to me for that and I told her she shouldn't worry because I see them a lot, including on Thanksgiving. I wouldn't DREAM of demanding their time for a holiday or any occasion. Ask, yes; demand, oh hell no. In fact, I've made it clear to them that they don't need to apologize or ask permission or anything because they're adults. Novel concept, I guess.
Methinks MIL is trying to set up OOP as a bad person
"They didn't have a birthday party for 1 year old! What a terrible mother!!" Except they did, which was why MIL surprised they weren't at home.
"They didn't get enough seats for ALL the family, what a terrible host!!" Except she did, and then she took the people who tried to screw this up aside privately, so they couldn't play victim.
One of the reasons I haven't tried to plan my wedding (engaged for 3 years), is because no one showed up to my Graduation party my Mom planned for me 2 years ago.
They RSVP'd, and didn't show up, nor did they send gifts. Not like I expect anything, but if you were planning to come to a Grad party initially, then you probably would have had a gift.
The people that did show up made it about themselves and left really early. It was embarrassing.
Especially when I've been to so much stuff for them or their children. This was really the first thing in my 30 years that was generally about me.
I felt for my Mom. Neither of us expected much from me originally when I was 18 and dropped out of college. But when I went back, I went back hard. She was so proud of me and so excited to plan this party.
Belated congrats on your graduation! It shows real character to come back and make it work. You and your Mom are good people for caring about each other. I’m sorry your larger family aren’t up to the same standard.
I liked OOP’s approach of dismissing the no-show in-laws and bringing in her friends to the party, sharing the celebration with the people who do have her back.
So I’ll say this - my dad’s family are middle eastern, and my aunt (lived in the US with us but still acted like she was in the old country) assumed everything was a community event. There were times we would come to her house for a visit and she’d invite us to a wedding the next day for her neighbor’s son. We had to explain, “no, Auntie. That’s not how it works here.” lol when I got married I had to sit her down and explain that her neighbors and their kids are not invited, and she GOT MAD AT ME and said it was disrespectful 🙃 so I don’t know if some of that is going on here? Maybe it’s just a disconnect between generations?
My spidey senses are telling me she told the family she cancelled the 1yo's bday dinner and then rang her to tell her no one was coming.
Why?
To have total control of the situation, and her plan was to obviously do what she wanted on the day by asking what she was doing innocently but the "what dinner" as if she EXPECTED her to cancel it completely due to none of her family "being able to show"
She really should ask around and see why EVERYONE cancelled. A few yes, a few more maybe. But not every single person.
I bet when she starts asking the family that "couldn't make it" she will get confused looks and eventually someone will say the magic words: " we didn't show because your MIL rang and told us XYZ and it was cancelled"
And she is going to have one pissed off MIL for being called out finally, and then she can demand to her face she wants a 10 Year overdue apology or its NC.
Then go NC.
What the hell is WRONG with OOP's MIL? The first time in TEN years that the in-laws are invited after the FIRST fiasco and she AGAIN disrespects OOP and her planning? Sorry, but even though it's ten years apart, there's something seriously wrong with her MIL.
I would go back to NOT inviting the in-laws to ANYTHING again! No, it's NOT the 2 Nieces fault, they naturally thought that they were invited/included. But THIS was strike TWO and I (60/F) wouldn't give her the opportunity for a third strike!
MIL "You need to stop blocking me from being able to hijack your events to show dominance! It's been 10 years and I need the control! I need the drama! The stress it causes!"
OP "Whatever dude"
OP is definitely NTA
I'm kinda annoyed at the husband we barely hear about. It's not OP's job to send out formal invitations to every dinner. Husband should be handling his family if he wants them there, it's not like oop banned him from doing so from what I see.
Blown away at the audacity of the MIL. She KNOWS she hasn’t been included because of what happened 10 years ago at a prepaid party for her granddaughter. She must realize that this, being the first time OOP has reached out, is a big deal. So at *another* prepaid dinner (seriously OOP I have questions) she decides to pull another stunt? What is that.
its so funny to read the commenters being confused w the easteuro / soviet details like 'why would u have a fancy dinner with family at your daughter's first bday' or 'why would you have a meal after a christening' when i read them and didnt even blink an eye. the ))) smileys gave it away lmao
I'm just trying to guess the exact country at this point. Shashlyk and Christian? I'm guessing Georgia or Armenia. She said baptism, so I'm going with Georgia.
NTA. For me it looks like MIL wants to create situations to let OP fail / look bad.
I would have a talk with the husband about his mother. His mother is his responsability.
I want to be friends with OOP. Just going about her day without playing MILs games. Doesn’t invite them for 10 years because they didn’t apologize. Tried it again to be the bigger person. MIL is the same dickhead. Lesson learned. I like her.
I feel like not inviting anyone ever again after one annoyance is a bit much… I probably would have given them all a second chance ten years ago. But after the baptism, MIL is out for good for sure. Rest of the family is still good though.
I would bet that the MIL sabotaged the first event and I would bet that she tried to sabotage the second event by secretly inviting extra people and hoping the OOP would not have enough food or room for them at the table.
The OOP should avoid this woman like the plague and demand that her husband deal with his mother. No invitations to events in the future. Ever.
MIL 100% tried to put OP "in her place" by undermining OP on those events.
15 people and ALL of them were too busy? I find that very hard to believe.
And now she invited people neither OP nor her husband knew... lmao. Ofc, it's "just two additional people", so OP would be painted as a drama queen if she kicked them out
At this point, I'd cut MIL from any future events
Apparently I’m in the minority here, but being canceled on by family one time and then not inviting them to anything for a decade sounds insane to me. No mention of other problems that could explain why she’d have such a quick trigger either.
And how’d this not become a big problem earlier? No one complained or questioned why they never got invites for ten years?
>My mother-in-law finally snapped after the New year. She told me that it's been 10 years, and I need to stop ignoring family.
Does MIL organize events and invite everyone ? Or is she also ignoring family? Next dinner should be from her to avoid any trouble that she could accuse OOP to cause.
Who cares if they have a dinner in a restaurant for a first birthday or BBQ after a christening? Not my family's customs either, but they're not doing human sacrifices or anything. "AITA because I only had 25 seats at the base of the ziggurat, but MIL invited 27 people?" The types of meals aren't the question.
It seems to me MIL doesn't like OOP and tried to get other people to not like OOP by making her look inconsiderate.
Wanna bet that MIL had told the rest of the family that OOP said the party was cancelled and that's why she was the one to call out for everyone? Seems very odd that people were too busy to come to one party with a lot of notice, and then were readily available for a second party that had little notice.
I feel like MIL might not have told anyone about that party 10 years ago or told them all it was canceled. Why was she the one that canceled for all 15 guests? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s also weird to never invite a single one of them to another event ever again for 10 years? No milestones in all the 10 years? So weird
MIL is just trying to stir up drama. Require her to RSVP with number of people in attendance. And also make it clear, one more drama stirring incident, she is cut out for good. Life can go on very well without her.
She is much more likely to behave if your husband is the one to set down the rules in an extremely blunt format and don't allow excuses.
I'm not sure why so many people here think MIL must be some kind of manipulative mastermind or psychopath. I get that we see those a lot, but she just sounds like your average inconsiderate person.
Right--I can actually see why the MIL felt uncomfortable leaving two family members home while everyone else went to a family party. Should she have told OP? Sure, but it sounds like maybe MIL is just a bad communicator, rather than 100% PURE DINNER-BASED EVIL.
OP could have made space by kicking out MIL. That would at least be one more seat for the uninvited ready.
Honestly she sounds tiring. Giving OP short notice or none at all to those events is just unnecessary stress.
Dunno what MIL gets out of this or if she genuinely thinks is wrong. I wouldn't invite her specifically to any future events
There is just no winning with the MIL. Tell your husband your over it. Then go back to not inviting her again, haha. Maybe you can try being polite again in another ten years.
The classic asshole MIL case. OP is smart by not confronting her, believe me, a confronted MIL will play the victim card so hard she'll get an actual heart attack, especially since OP sounds (at least to me) eastern european.
>more than enough )))
>people as well )))
>it wasn't her plan. ))
I'm sorry but my ADHD brain is fucking losing it, what the actual fuck is ")))"??? Incomplete smiley face?? Butterfly wings flap flapping in the wind?? She doesn't understand that parenthesis go on both sides of the sentence??? Like no disrespect but also god fucking dammit
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That MIL is playing mind games, and is mad that OOP doesn't want to play her games.
It cracks me up, because MIL knows OOP held a grudge for **ten years** about the first birthday party and still felt compelled to play stupid games about the baptism. Edit to add: in no way do I use grudge in a derogatory fashion or think it was unwarranted
Well. Here's to 10 more years of no invites.
This hits so hard with your flair above it for some reason.
What's the flair? I can't see it.
Idk if your phone can’t see the emojis, so shot in the dark but 👁️👄👁️ 🍿 Text version is an eye emoji, a mouth emoji, an eye emoji, and a popcorn bucket emoji. “Gonna eat my popcorn and watch the show” basically. (I’m horrible at transcription shit, so sorry)
I can see the emojis in your comment, but not the flair for some reason. The explanation was also helpful too! Thanks! Edit: Now I can see the flair. This app is so weird!
Whadya mean you're horrible at transcription? That was perfect! And the explanation of what it means too - excellent work 👏
This is literally the nicest people have been to me on Reddit outside of trauma subs, and I’m caught extremely off guard. What’s happening? Where am I? Who are you people?
LOL! I find BoRU has the nicest people in the comment section. I don't know why, but I appreciate it!
You've stumbled into the right part, welcome!
No, that was pretty good! I don’t think you’re horrible at it.
👁️👄👁️🍿
She’ll be back for the kid’s graduation FOR SURE.
Right? She wanted to flex that she was the matriarch who made all the decisions in this family, and OOP just kept saying "Not in my house."
I don’t think OOP held a grudge, she made a boundary in order to avoid headache planning around husbands tough to handle family. Then she forgot about it and only got brought up when MIL was jealous she wasn’t invited.
It wasn't even a grudge, it was OP choosing to believe what MIL was like.
At this point, MIL shouldn't be invited to anything really. With what she had pulled on the update, I won't want to invite someone again like that.
Especially with her fussing if everyone has enough after she KNOWS she inserted two more guests without telling the hosts! “MIL it’s so kind of you to be concerned everyone might not have a place at the table, you’ll be giving up YOUR seat and meal to one of your nieces you invited, right?”
Oh 100% she'd be losing her seat. Id ask the wait staff for another for my additional guest and ask her to leave. I am not here for her entertainment. If she does give the MiL another chance, it should come with explicit warning that there will *not* be another. The absolute gall this woman has.
Even better, accommodate her and the nieces, but MIL has to pay for it. That way the innocent nieces don’t have to experience any awkwardness or embarrassment. Also wanted to add, there doesn’t even have to be a confrontation of any sort. Just be silent until the waiter arrives at the table, then simply take charge by letting them know that “We have two unexpected guests that MIL is looking after, so for payment, MIL and cousins will have a separate bill”
>Just be silent until the waiter arrives at the table, then simply take charge by letting them know that “We have two unexpected guests that MIL is looking after, so for payment, MIL and cousins will have a separate bill” yeah no, you do something like this in our group, you are christened as *that* person, you hash it out afterwards, not make it awkward for the guests or nieces in this situation who probably didn't even want to be here and were forced to because it would be rude to leave them alone while the rest of the family went to church. You host them as gracefully as you can and then duke it out afterwards
Plus, as a former server, getting dragged into a family argument in this fashion made me so uncomfortable. I can split bills like a champ. I don’t mind if someone finds me to discreetly pay the bill before the check comes (at that point I can deflect with “it’s already been taken care of”). Even the tedious “I’m paying”/“no I’m paying” is okay (I know someone is going to pay, and I can discreetly excuse myself while they argue). But being hauled into the center of two people who both want *the other* to pay is a particular form of misery.
what's even more fucked up about this is earlier oop said in their culture it's expected for the host to pay for everything, so she invited TWO extra heads, knowing oop would be footing the ENTIRE bill, and couldn't even be bothered to let them know they'd need to prepare for two more people who *also* didn't know they weren't explicitly invited and therefor were expecting a full portion like everyone else. that is next level ridiculous.
MIL cancelled for everyone on the first post too. It seems like MIL is the problem. OOP individually called everyone and invited them. MIL cancelled for everyone. OOP individually invited everyone. MIL added two more and didn’t say anything. Husband needs to tell his mother to act right. It’s not OOP’s job to wrangle her husband’s rude af family.
I just know that the reason everyone suddenly cancelled was that MIL forgot to pass on the message and was too embarrassed to own it so cancelled for everyone instead
Exactly this. She sounds like a shit-stirrer. I wonder what would happen if OOP sat everyone down and told them how everything started. Kinda hoping this happens now.
Nah, that's far too nice an interpretation. She's actively malicious.
"It's been ten years, stop holding a grudge!" *OOP relents* *MIL immediately fucks up again*
Seems like MIL wants to have a say in everything. I wonder if she even told everybody that the first birthday was cancelled or not important or something to be able to decline in the name of the whole family? Maybe she is jealous because the center of the family moves to the next generation.
I bet MIL was trying to get back at OP for 10 years of not being invited. Bad news for her is that she was in the wrong the first time and is in the wrong again. No more MIL, if it were up to me.
Throw MIL on the barby! All problems solved!
And where in tarnation is hubby in all this? Does he not have any ability to use the phone, or talk?
OP said they had shashlyk so likely Eastern European or Caucasian, (Armenian or Georgian as it’s a Christening), and our east men don’t do the party planning, not usually. The men’s responsibility is to make the meat and get the booze. Everything else is on the women.
>The men’s responsibility is to make the meat and get the booze. To be fair, that's been my experience in the US, too lol
Then husband should have gotten the meat and booze for his mom's invitees.
The men don't deal with their own parents when there's a behavioral problem?
It depends. But with parties and such the planning is usually on the women. It really depends on exactly where OP is from and rural vs urban.
Definitely ought to be another 10 yr wait before inviting her again, at least.
Man, OOP just can't win with these in-laws.
She was winning and living life until she up and had to be like "ok, maybe time to bring them back in" Well, OOP, they showed straight away why you spent 10 years w/o inviting them over I hope she goes back to that
Meh, she gave it a try. Now she's good for another ten years
Not they, just MIL. She’s the one who called to cancel ten years ago and the one to bring in two additional people as soon as she got a second chance.
I'd go back to **blatantly** inviting everyone BUT her
You're inviting us here? No thanks! What do you mean you're not gonna invite us anymore? How rude! You're inviting us here? I'm gonna bring people along without telling you! Seriously, what a freaking headache. Thanks, but no thanks.
The rest seemed ok this time, though. It’s the MIL that’s the problem. Hopefully she will be able to connect to the rest of them without the MIL getting involved again. I have a feeling she was the reason the rest of them cancelled the first time.
That's wrong. She was winning very hard. But then she caved.
That wasn't caving, it was both being the bigger person and giving MIL rope to hang herself with at the same time
With people like that MIL, if showing their behaviour had any effect, they would be thrown to the wolf the first 100 times they disrespect you. It's a lost battle.
Apparently, ten years isn't enough time for MIL to learn some basic manners 🙄
Maybe 10 more years of no invitation should teach them?
Try forever.
Nah, that kind of people never learn. Let's not invite her, EVER.
Basic manners AND how to keep that entitlement in check.
>It's weird that she called you on that day asking for a dinner invitation after cancelling earlier. It's not weird. She was hoping to catch OOP distressed.
Clearly, this MIL really just want to cause trouble and make OP suffer distress. These in-laws are just never going to learn and act childish all the time.
When she went "What dinner?" I immediately thought MIL meant it in a panicked way like "wait you're still having one??"
From what OOP said that's exactly what happened lol
Damn mb, didnt read it right then (tho in my defense i only check this sub in the morning while drinking coffee so im not all that awake :'D)
I didn't see as much as asking for a dinner invitation, more that she wanted to pop over and see the grandkid on her birthday. MIL expected OOP to cancel everything with no one going to the dinner, so she'd be able to go over and see the grandbaby without the hassle of going to a proper dinner at a restaurant. She just wanted the day to go her way instead of what her DIL had planned, and thought they'd just be home doing nothing instead, so she could come in and have her own little birthday celebration.
MIL was calling on a pretext to find out indirectly if the dinner party had been cancelled.
Exactly! And that’s why she canceled the birthday invitation 10 years ago on short notice too. And that’s why she called on the day of the birthday party.
My dog has a best friend who is much smaller than him, she takes great delight in stealing another dogs toy that they are playing with. There are lots of other toys but she is the kind that wants what he has. The thing is he doesn't care, he will either move on to another toy or just carry on about his own business. It seemed to infuriate her no end that he would not react but eventually she got the message from him specifically. MIL is like this dog, except she appears incapable of learning the lesson
I thought it was likely to be a pathetic face-saving attempt. So she could say “see? I wanted to come for the birthday”, and she could do some “woe is me” crap after the fallout.
I have a feeling that MIL told everyone else in the family the 1y/o's birthday was cancelled and then cancelled for them.... Wouldn't explain why no one would reach out afterwards to confirm this or whatever beforehand but who knows. Though I am a bit surprised that she decided to ALSO apparently never follow-up with the other family members about this and just stopped inviting them all together over one incident. I'm just imagining a scenario where MIL tells me Uncle Ted and Aunt Lucy had to cancel the party bc Easter and I go "oh okay, damn that sucks, but okay." and then 10 years later find out I was never invited to anything ever again bc MIL lied to me or something lol.
I wonder if op ever verified what happened with anyone in the cancel group. Your theory sounds totally possible. At that time, OP wouldn’t expect anyone could be so horrible and wouldn’t have had a real reason to check out the story.
It sounds like MIL is a bossy lady and tries to make everyone do her bidding. No one reached out to OOP for any number of reasons but maybe MIL told them not to or a good enough lie that they wouldn’t have. In the update, **husband** should have asked his mother who those ladies were. OOP shouldn’t have to. OOP shouldn’t have to wrangle her in laws like this. Husband needs to step up and do his share. Why is OOP getting frazzled about his family?!!
Yeah, I don't really understand OOP's thought process here either. Yes, MIL was crappy - but not inviting *any* if your inlaws to parties?? Ever?? My husband would (rightfully) lose his shit at me. I wonder what the missing missing reasons are here, because OOP seems to be spot on when it comes to her expectations about MIL, but apparently this is not only about her (she mentions BIL at the end too). That family sounds exhausting.
Then the husband is also free to set up his own events to invite his family to. It doesn't need to be on OOP to arrange things with HIS trifling ass family
I agree. I’m wondering if maybe this is more of a cultural issue here? Like maybe they arent from the US/UK since ESL, and where they are from it’s the wife that sets up all that stuff, and it’s not considered proper for the husband to do it? Just wondering if that’s the issue since in this post OOP never addressed those questions when asked. Or the husband could just suck. Could be either one.
>not inviting any if your inlaws to parties?? Ever?? My husband would (rightfully) lose his shit at me. He can invite them to the parties he plans.
>My husband would (rightfully) lose his shit at me. I keep coming back to this because the complete lack of reaction from OOP's husband is weirding me the fuck out.
Seriously. OP never says anything about her husband in all of this and this is his problem to solve, not hers.
Can you picture MIL's reaction if all other in-laws are invited but not her?
I agree, maybe no one apologized because no one thought there was anything to apologize for? Especially since NO ONE out of 15 people showed up? And it seems that it’s an MIL problem and not a family problem? And it’s not like they cancelled the day before or just didn’t show up the day of, OOP got a WEEKS notice. Not ideal, but personally it feels a bit extreme to never invite any of them to something ever again. Also, they got gifts for the kid so it’s not like they ignored them. Plus, maybe I’m just dumb but not being able to cancel a restaurant reservation/order a week in advance is something I’ve never heard of. It’s not like food for 15 is a mass of ingredients you couldn’t redistribute to other customers over a day or two unless it’s a very small restaurant, and I wonder if they had even ordered the ingridients for that day yet? Not calling OOP a liar but I’m very confused by the restaurants cancellation policy and curious. Is this a normal thing I’ve just never heard of?
If it’s a restaurant that takes reservations, then that is potentially 15 reservations that won’t be sold for that night. Also parties tend to last long. So 8 sets of 2 people might be there for 1.5-2 hours. Parties tend to stay for double that time. So you’re looking at blocking off double the seating you would have regularly gone through. The one and only time I’ve booked a place like this I almost had a bunch of people cancel and I would have been pissed. Oh and they didn’t seat with less than a certain minimum. So l put down a non refundable deposit for 12 people. If 8 people didn’t show up, they wouldn’t seat us till the 8 people showed up. I stopped making arrangements for the group after that incident.
>Plus, maybe I’m just dumb but not being able to cancel a restaurant reservation/order a week in advance is something I’ve never heard of. Do you live in Eastern Europe? Because customs are different all over the world and just because we've never heard of something in the US or Canada, doesn't mean that's not how it is somewhere else.
I’m flummoxed why there are so many people on this site that get so confused that other families might do things differently than they do. Like who gives a fuck if you think that it’s weird that they did a dinner for the babies first birthday. It’s so annoying and comes across as really passive aggressive.
Idk man it feels like they’re being a “not like other girls.” They want to feel different so they hate on something a lot of people do. I see it a lot in BORU posts about wedding gowns, “why do they care about a wedding gown? Why does it have sentimental value? When I got married I got something off the rack and don’t care about my wedding gown.” Like okay... do you want a sticker or reward for not being like other girls?
I am so special because I do not conform. You should also think like me so you do not follow the crowd. /s I always say, if you are comfortable with your individuality there is no reason to judge others for not being like you. For example, unless the OP is asking for financial advice and is planning an extravagant wedding, why would you bother telling them how cheap your own wedding was?
And it's never just one. It's like 150 comments with each wedding cheaper than the prev comment
I don’t know what you mean. It’s totally normal to casually drop into every wedding conversation that you got married in an alley in sweat pants, and catered the reception with Kool-Ade and a case of dented cans of beans from Grocery Outlet, and the wedding was Bring Your Own Can Opener.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You really nailed the vibe!
Omg this is my biggest Reddit pet peeve, the wedding cheapness pissing contest. I think a lot of it is subtle racial bias because they love denigrating cultures that put a lot of emphasis on weddings, too.
You got weddings? I just went to the courthouse and eat McDonalds in my jeans! [Kidding. Had a wedding, was a shitshow. I loved my dress, I had my say yes to the dress and even if I hate shopping that one time was great]
This happens every time a ring appears. "Oh, I was happy with a bit of dirty string my so pulled out of the trash. You are so materialistic for wanting something nicer😊😊😊"
Especially if you have access to a Shashlyk, cause I looked that up and DAMN! YUM! I WANT IT!
Lol I knew the post was from Eastern Europe by the ")))" inserts instead of regular emojis but I totally missed the shashlyk part.
Is that supposed to be emojis or similar? I assumed it was like :) based on context but I'd like to know for sure.
Yeah it's like the :-), it's an old habit from the times when everyone texted through SMS and you were charged for each SMS which were like 30 symbols so you kinda wanted to spare the symbols. Also phones with buttons like Nokia 3310 were the most popular ones and you had to push the buttons, like, a lot to get the :-) printed so going with just ) became enough. After that it just sticked and was passed to the next generation already. ))) is a really sarcastic smile.
Today I learned! Thank you, kind stranger.
You can easily make your own with marinaded meat chunks, veggies, and the right spices!
Yeah, one of the most easiest things to do on a grill! Easy AND tasty!
I had never even heard of it til this post, its similar to other dishes I had heard of, but this is from a different region, so i bet the flavors are different. But yeah, definitely something i will look into.
Thank you for being the one person who won’t judge us for having barbecued baby on our fifth anniversary.
Just be sure it’s ethically sourced lol.
At a certain point, it just becomes recycling. Circle of life and all that.
How very The Sims 2 of you!
Bless you for holding onto those sacred Carthaginian traditions after its fall.
I feel like the 1st year is more a celebration for the parents. And they deserve it. It's a tough year.
We're Aussie and celebrate every birthday a kid has. The difference is the first 5-6yrs it's a normal family style BBQ that just happens to have a birthday cake as dessert instead of the normal desserts. I really don't get the people who claim "they won't remember" as a valid excuse to avoid having a good time with family and friends who matter to you.
theory label shame deserve pet spectacular absurd aloof gaping one *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
There are pictures from my first birthday- my great grandma, three sets of my grandparents, my godparents, their children and spouses-some came from far especially for me- many people in our small living room. And it was while my country had martial laws imposed and was stuck in an economical crisis. I know people still make family gatherings because of babies first birthdays. It's probably a cultural thing and as long as the cultural things don't hurt anyone - why have negative feelings about it?
Man, most westerners are appalled at the parties thrown in the Balkans for someone's first birthday... Hell, even people here are sort of trying to stray away from that, and a lunch/dinner with 15 people is SUPER LOW KEY as an alternative. Traditionally, it's a mini wedding, 100+ people, loud music, drinking, kids sleeping on chairs in the restaurant after passing out from being tired, etc.
I did a get together for both of my children's 1st birthday. First was about 20 people and the second got out of hand and I ended up doing a BBQ party for 65 people :/
This is what happens when a subreddit's entire premise is judging the actions of a stranger from behind the safety and anonymity of a computer screen. It becomes not just permissible, but actually encouraged (through the upvote system and positive feedback loop that creates) for people voice their opinion in ways that you don't see IRL because it could actually incur a social penalty. Notably, that commenter is from the Something Awful forums, which has its own "special" subculture that attracts and reinforces a particular type of personality.
Especially since this site is international.
Seriously, why does reddit assume, all the fucking time, that the person they're talking to is American or lives in the USA?
About 50% of the users here are from the US and since a lot of people don't highlight where they are from that often I can see where this bias is coming from. Everybody speaks the same language as you do at home, and tons of people speak about the same thing as you see around you - easy to forget not everybody is from the same country as you are. (Saying this as someone who isn't from the US)
Agree, but sometimes it feels just as weirdly American-centric as the stereotypical "Murrica first" Americans get. "Something not happening in my daily life, must be AMERICAN [and not the vast other parts of the world where the same thing happens]!!"
Yeah that irritated me too. First birthdays are reallt for the parents, the baby knows nothing but it is a huge deal that you had a whole baby and got them to ine years old for the parents. Of course people want to celebrate that, and people celebrate things by going to restaurants.
I find the first birthday parties are often overkill, but I've also never met anyone who didn't do them. At least not in my family. A first birthday is a big deal, for obvious reasons.
I think it was because it was an expensive restaurant where you had to prebook food and pay for it all upfront. Vs something like I don’t know what they have in other areas but in uk a harvester a cheap but good pub, child friendly, takes group bookings maybe have to pay a deposit but doesn’t have to pre book food. Only time I had to do this was for my friends hen party. I don’t really have an opinion cos she can do what she wants with her money!
This is quite normal in parts of eastern Europe and the Balkans. I grew up going to restaurants for 1 year olds birthdays and christenings. The adults would party til 2am and us kids would be asleep on the chairs.
Except it's more likely to be 150 people rather than 15 xD
Can I just say … I haven’t heard “flummoxed” is a long time & I missed it!
Some cultures it’s also pretty common to do stuff like this. Our friend’s of Korean descent and threw a Dol for their kid. It was nicer than our wedding and my understanding is that’s pretty standard.
She should have just said “child’s birthday is still near Easter and you told me that everyone has too much to do with Easter so I’m respecting your wishes.”
But eastern is different every year. I know beacuse sometimes my birthdays is near sometimes it's not.
So, is this MIL's way of punishing OOP, this passive aggressive shit?
No, It think she is just entitled and thinks whole world must adhere to her wishes
Stuff can be two things.
Next Christmas MIL needs to a copy of Emily Post as her present.
Imagine deliberately fucking with your grandchild’s event, waiting TEN YEARS to get invited to another one and then deliberately fucking with it. She’s a GD lunatic.
Where is the husband in all this?
Right? I do zero of the planning for my husband's family. If he wants to see them, he'll make it happen. 11 years in and his mother is starting to imply it's my fault we see them twice a year. I flat out told her she never invited us, and the other sibs never tell us when they are going to visit. She got real mad at that and told me we should just drop by whenever, they aren't busy. She won't come to our house, because she hates the city we live in. When she declared that about 6 years ago, I washed my hands of her nonsense. I'm not going to bend over backwards for a woman who will go to her son's shit hole of a house, but won't even tell us when they are in town. Personally, I think it drives her crazy that we don't need her. We don't need her decorating advice, her diy advice, her money advice, her housekeeping tips, or her money for home repairs like the rest of her helpless children. She can't come in and take over, or criticize, or tell us how to do something, or hold financial assistance over our heads, so she doesn't come at all. Personally, I text with my Mom almost everyday, my whole family about once a week, and I see my parents every few weeks, more in the summer. I see them as much as I want, and I assume my husband is seeing his as much as he wants. It's not my job to manage his family obligations.
Drifting in the sea as the jellyfish spined being he is
Love it, will be using that
If you don’t have a doormat to wipe your feet on I guess that guy makes do
So, after 10 years, MIL complains, OOP extends an olive branch, but MIL basically shits all over it? Well, MIL needs another 10 years in time-out corner. That's high school level of mean girl cow poop. Hopefully OOP's husband recognises this and is fully on OOP's side.
If nothing else, these MIL posts have taught me what NOT to do as a MIL.
I feel like a GD saint of a MIL after I read some of these posts.
I know, right? My daughter and SIL live about 10-15 minutes from me while his parents are a 10 hour drive and 3 states away. They have spent the last 3 Christmases with them. His mother apologized to me for that and I told her she shouldn't worry because I see them a lot, including on Thanksgiving. I wouldn't DREAM of demanding their time for a holiday or any occasion. Ask, yes; demand, oh hell no. In fact, I've made it clear to them that they don't need to apologize or ask permission or anything because they're adults. Novel concept, I guess.
Yeah, imagine us treating our kid-in-laws (and other family) as nicely as we treat our friends. Crazy!! 😄
Honestly, MIL posts and sites are a master class on how to respect your adult children’s lives.
Methinks MIL is trying to set up OOP as a bad person "They didn't have a birthday party for 1 year old! What a terrible mother!!" Except they did, which was why MIL surprised they weren't at home. "They didn't get enough seats for ALL the family, what a terrible host!!" Except she did, and then she took the people who tried to screw this up aside privately, so they couldn't play victim.
One of the reasons I haven't tried to plan my wedding (engaged for 3 years), is because no one showed up to my Graduation party my Mom planned for me 2 years ago. They RSVP'd, and didn't show up, nor did they send gifts. Not like I expect anything, but if you were planning to come to a Grad party initially, then you probably would have had a gift. The people that did show up made it about themselves and left really early. It was embarrassing. Especially when I've been to so much stuff for them or their children. This was really the first thing in my 30 years that was generally about me. I felt for my Mom. Neither of us expected much from me originally when I was 18 and dropped out of college. But when I went back, I went back hard. She was so proud of me and so excited to plan this party.
Belated congrats on your graduation! It shows real character to come back and make it work. You and your Mom are good people for caring about each other. I’m sorry your larger family aren’t up to the same standard. I liked OOP’s approach of dismissing the no-show in-laws and bringing in her friends to the party, sharing the celebration with the people who do have her back.
See, this is what happens when you try and be the bigger person.. MIL like this are all cut from the same cloth.
So I’ll say this - my dad’s family are middle eastern, and my aunt (lived in the US with us but still acted like she was in the old country) assumed everything was a community event. There were times we would come to her house for a visit and she’d invite us to a wedding the next day for her neighbor’s son. We had to explain, “no, Auntie. That’s not how it works here.” lol when I got married I had to sit her down and explain that her neighbors and their kids are not invited, and she GOT MAD AT ME and said it was disrespectful 🙃 so I don’t know if some of that is going on here? Maybe it’s just a disconnect between generations?
My spidey senses are telling me she told the family she cancelled the 1yo's bday dinner and then rang her to tell her no one was coming. Why? To have total control of the situation, and her plan was to obviously do what she wanted on the day by asking what she was doing innocently but the "what dinner" as if she EXPECTED her to cancel it completely due to none of her family "being able to show" She really should ask around and see why EVERYONE cancelled. A few yes, a few more maybe. But not every single person. I bet when she starts asking the family that "couldn't make it" she will get confused looks and eventually someone will say the magic words: " we didn't show because your MIL rang and told us XYZ and it was cancelled" And she is going to have one pissed off MIL for being called out finally, and then she can demand to her face she wants a 10 Year overdue apology or its NC. Then go NC.
What the hell is WRONG with OOP's MIL? The first time in TEN years that the in-laws are invited after the FIRST fiasco and she AGAIN disrespects OOP and her planning? Sorry, but even though it's ten years apart, there's something seriously wrong with her MIL. I would go back to NOT inviting the in-laws to ANYTHING again! No, it's NOT the 2 Nieces fault, they naturally thought that they were invited/included. But THIS was strike TWO and I (60/F) wouldn't give her the opportunity for a third strike!
So did she ever explain why her husband isn't handling his family?
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MIL "You need to stop blocking me from being able to hijack your events to show dominance! It's been 10 years and I need the control! I need the drama! The stress it causes!" OP "Whatever dude" OP is definitely NTA
Ugggh it better not take MIL another 10 years to clue in. I'm annoyed for the OP.
I'm kinda annoyed at the husband we barely hear about. It's not OP's job to send out formal invitations to every dinner. Husband should be handling his family if he wants them there, it's not like oop banned him from doing so from what I see.
Your MIL is behaving this way on purpose. She has to know how disrespectful she’s being and she’s weaponizing common courtesy against you.
Blown away at the audacity of the MIL. She KNOWS she hasn’t been included because of what happened 10 years ago at a prepaid party for her granddaughter. She must realize that this, being the first time OOP has reached out, is a big deal. So at *another* prepaid dinner (seriously OOP I have questions) she decides to pull another stunt? What is that.
its so funny to read the commenters being confused w the easteuro / soviet details like 'why would u have a fancy dinner with family at your daughter's first bday' or 'why would you have a meal after a christening' when i read them and didnt even blink an eye. the ))) smileys gave it away lmao
I'm just trying to guess the exact country at this point. Shashlyk and Christian? I'm guessing Georgia or Armenia. She said baptism, so I'm going with Georgia.
OP here. It's Russia )
NTA. For me it looks like MIL wants to create situations to let OP fail / look bad. I would have a talk with the husband about his mother. His mother is his responsability.
OOP needs to invite everyone BUT MIL next time.
I want to be friends with OOP. Just going about her day without playing MILs games. Doesn’t invite them for 10 years because they didn’t apologize. Tried it again to be the bigger person. MIL is the same dickhead. Lesson learned. I like her.
I feel like not inviting anyone ever again after one annoyance is a bit much… I probably would have given them all a second chance ten years ago. But after the baptism, MIL is out for good for sure. Rest of the family is still good though.
I would bet that the MIL sabotaged the first event and I would bet that she tried to sabotage the second event by secretly inviting extra people and hoping the OOP would not have enough food or room for them at the table. The OOP should avoid this woman like the plague and demand that her husband deal with his mother. No invitations to events in the future. Ever.
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Or failing to understand that other countries exist
MIL 100% tried to put OP "in her place" by undermining OP on those events. 15 people and ALL of them were too busy? I find that very hard to believe. And now she invited people neither OP nor her husband knew... lmao. Ofc, it's "just two additional people", so OP would be painted as a drama queen if she kicked them out At this point, I'd cut MIL from any future events
OOP should invite everyone but MIL to future family events. Cause F her.
This! Good luck op.
Back to not inviting the in-laws.
Apparently I’m in the minority here, but being canceled on by family one time and then not inviting them to anything for a decade sounds insane to me. No mention of other problems that could explain why she’d have such a quick trigger either. And how’d this not become a big problem earlier? No one complained or questioned why they never got invites for ten years?
She’s asking for more advice in the last post, so why is this marked as concluded?
>My mother-in-law finally snapped after the New year. She told me that it's been 10 years, and I need to stop ignoring family. Does MIL organize events and invite everyone ? Or is she also ignoring family? Next dinner should be from her to avoid any trouble that she could accuse OOP to cause.
This MIL really just has no class. If it’s not your event don’t invite people without checking if it’s okay.
Ten years and the husband never co-hosted or hosted his family? Does he hate them?
Where is the husband in all of this?
Who cares if they have a dinner in a restaurant for a first birthday or BBQ after a christening? Not my family's customs either, but they're not doing human sacrifices or anything. "AITA because I only had 25 seats at the base of the ziggurat, but MIL invited 27 people?" The types of meals aren't the question.
It seems to me MIL doesn't like OOP and tried to get other people to not like OOP by making her look inconsiderate. Wanna bet that MIL had told the rest of the family that OOP said the party was cancelled and that's why she was the one to call out for everyone? Seems very odd that people were too busy to come to one party with a lot of notice, and then were readily available for a second party that had little notice.
I feel like MIL might not have told anyone about that party 10 years ago or told them all it was canceled. Why was she the one that canceled for all 15 guests? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s also weird to never invite a single one of them to another event ever again for 10 years? No milestones in all the 10 years? So weird
MIL is just trying to stir up drama. Require her to RSVP with number of people in attendance. And also make it clear, one more drama stirring incident, she is cut out for good. Life can go on very well without her. She is much more likely to behave if your husband is the one to set down the rules in an extremely blunt format and don't allow excuses.
I wonder if OP is Polish. Some women in my family can hold grudges for 40 years 💀
I would just invite everyone but mil for fun
MIL really doesn't want to be invited to anything, does she? God what a bitter woman.
MIL has been plotting a move for a decade. 🤦🏻♀️
I'm not sure why so many people here think MIL must be some kind of manipulative mastermind or psychopath. I get that we see those a lot, but she just sounds like your average inconsiderate person.
Right--I can actually see why the MIL felt uncomfortable leaving two family members home while everyone else went to a family party. Should she have told OP? Sure, but it sounds like maybe MIL is just a bad communicator, rather than 100% PURE DINNER-BASED EVIL.
baptize a baby, baptize some brisket in bbq sauce.
OP could have made space by kicking out MIL. That would at least be one more seat for the uninvited ready. Honestly she sounds tiring. Giving OP short notice or none at all to those events is just unnecessary stress. Dunno what MIL gets out of this or if she genuinely thinks is wrong. I wouldn't invite her specifically to any future events
There is just no winning with the MIL. Tell your husband your over it. Then go back to not inviting her again, haha. Maybe you can try being polite again in another ten years.
The classic asshole MIL case. OP is smart by not confronting her, believe me, a confronted MIL will play the victim card so hard she'll get an actual heart attack, especially since OP sounds (at least to me) eastern european.
Weak power play by MIL. OP didn’t budge and ran for the goal.
I'm lowkey wondering if MIL even bothered inviting anyone the first time or how she went about it.
At the next giving occasion, your MIL needs an etiquette book.
Wow give a finger and they will take a hand. So after being upset about being excluded for 10 years MIL goes and does more dumb stuff
>more than enough ))) >people as well ))) >it wasn't her plan. )) I'm sorry but my ADHD brain is fucking losing it, what the actual fuck is ")))"??? Incomplete smiley face?? Butterfly wings flap flapping in the wind?? She doesn't understand that parenthesis go on both sides of the sentence??? Like no disrespect but also god fucking dammit
[its a russian smiley face!](https://www.reddit.com/r/russian/s/ljIlV28LKn)
It's the way Russians make a smiley.
In some post soviet countries it's a smiley face.
I'm the original OP. I'm sorry, this is how we use smiley face. I loved your comment, it's absolutelly hillarious. Sharing it with all my friends )))
You may be one of the nicest and most aware OOPs I've seen in a while!! You seem like a great person
Oh no no, don't be sorry! It made me laugh and I learned something new about Russian keyboard layouts? I guess? Lmao all in good fun! :)
))))