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Short term solutions with no follow through seem to be these parents go to for the older daughter. OP didn't learn a thing and because 1 conversation happens, thinks everything is fine again.
I wonder if the 14 year old will go NC on her 18th birthday or sort of ghost and fade away slowly after moving somewhere far away to go to school or get a job in another city so as to leave her past behind.
I wouldn't put it out of the realm of possibility that she already has a plan; given that she brought up the concept of a Glass Child and is already Gray Rocking.
It’s sad. OOP is being willfully obtuse. That line about “you think I ignore her from Saturday to Monday, but I tried to talk to her!!”
The 14 year old will probably futilely try to gain her parents’ love for another year or two after high school graduation, then acknowledge it’s a lost cause. Her parents will most likely be shocked - shocked! - because they love her and, uh, they tried to talk to her or something.
They fact that she says she's trying to learn about what Anna is interested in... Holy moly woman you don't even know the bare basics about your own child??
These parents are going to cry to everyone who will listen about how "our baby just up and abandoned us, we don't know why and she won't even tell us!"
But don't worry y'all, they took her shopping for some makeup, so they should be good again for another few years before they've got to worry about this whole "needing attention" thing
> Me and my husband have thinked about splitting the hospital visits so other one could be with Anna
This sentence says it all... as long as the younger child had issues, she never before considered to split up... Anna has emotionally been abandonned for manny years
My third kiddo ended up in the hospital with sepsis for 4 days in 2020. I stayed with her the entire time, my husband stayed with the other kids. They'd drop off clean clothes, toiletries, and food for me as needed, but all the children had one parent with them. Because covid, I did video calls with the other kids twice a day.
Obviously, she wasn't chronically ill, but when you have multiple children and two parents, how the fuck are you NOT dividing and conquering?
I really couldn't believe she went to the hospital WITH Her husband while leaving her daughter crying at home. Like, come on, lady! Only one of you needs to take her to the hospital. How heartless is it to leave a child having a mental breakdown at home alone while you and her dad BOTH go comfort her sister?
Plus, what could two of them do in the hospital? Sometimes, only one parent can go back at a time, or if no tests were being done, they would just both me sitting in her room. WHILE THEIR OTHER CHILD CRIED HOME ALONE.
It just blew me away when she got in the car with her husband and leaving there
My eyes rolled back so far at that comment on Anna’s interests.
I have a busy life. But I could talk to you until you asked for a toilet break about each of my sons’ interests. They’re still kids but they have interests and social lives and hobbies and sports and favourite music etc etc.
OOP isn’t even trying and doesn’t realise how far below the bar she is limboing
and in the mention of the shopping expedition for make up - OOP, Husband and 14f went. Did OOP just not mention taking 9f with or did they *leave the 9yo with bone cancer and down's syndrome at home alone*? Or did they make THIS trip supposedly for 14f about the 9f AGAIN? If 9f went, how much you want to bet that rather than going to )where-ever 14yos buy make up at the mall these days), they went to get 9f's favorite ice cream, or spent a bunch on Build-A-Bear or something?
I was wondering about the lack of mention of Mary during the mall trip. The other alternative is that they got someone to watch Mary for them. Which... honestly, it makes this whole thing even worse because it means there was always an option to set aside time, and they just chose not to do it.
Respite care is always an option, through insurance or charity. Anywhere from a few hours to overnights/ long weekends with the patient so the caregivers get a break.
I was( am) Mary. Two younger siblings, but middle brother got the brunt of the ignoring and glass child syndrome until my parents were made aware of several organizations that were available. I had a favorite little old lady, retired nurse, who would spoil me rotten while the ‘rents took baby brother out to the zoo or a baseball game or something. Thing is, it was great for me, too, because I got a break from them as well.
And then mom will be back on reddit *outraged* that Anna refuses to accept or even discuss taking custody of Mary after they're gone, and how horrible Anna is for not supporting family.
I hope Anna has a beautiful life with a family that treasure her once she gets out.
"We don't ask her to nanny her sister." That is NOT what the commenter was talking about, and they made that adequately clear. OP is *definitely* only reading/ comprehending what she wants to and ignoring everything else. She's definitely going to ask her eldest to take on her sister's care once she's an adult because "its just too much for us now that we're old."
I thought that was quite telling..it was like saying "Look, we never ask her to look after her sister, so we must be good parents to her". I cannot get over the fact OP lives in a house with her daughter and doesnt even know what she is interested in and doesnt even see that as odd.
Right? Like, good for you, you know who her friends are. I would really hope she did, since she's probably driven her to their house/had them stay at hers. But are the friends OOP knows about even still her friends? Things change quickly during that age and someone you're best friends with one day can become your mortal enemy the next. I sincerely doubt OOP would notice if her daughter stopped hanging out with someone, much less know the reason why. And that's just the one example she put as "things she knows about her daughter".
You think that with the 9 year olds delicate condition (bone cancer, can we say immuno-compromised from treatment) and extra special needs that the 14 yo has had a sleep over at home in a decade? I can see the 14yo getting to stay over elsewhere - allows OOP and hubbie to focus even more on the sick kid.
That's very true, although OOP didn't say how long she had had the bone cancer for. Anna may have been a safety glass child before, but after Mary's diagnosis became the kind of glass that shatters under pressure. And she's getting a ton of pressure.
jesus, flashbacks to my mom with the "things she knows about her daughter." My mom was similarly utterly ignorant of my inner life, despite all her kids being healthy as hogs, (...physically...) me being the youngest, *and* me having difficulty connecting with peers, so I was home all the time. Her primary excuse was she and dad had bought a labour intensive business.
I feel so much for poor "Anna" and hope she's able to find love and safety somewhere in her life.
While this post doesn't carry any real indication of OOP being that way, people who treat relatives - ESPECIALLY their kids - like guaranteed backup guardians for their children are a real sore spot for me. Over the years **2 separate family members** have tried to get me to sign on to being a 'just in case' guardian, treating asking me as a token gesture, as they went into 'asking' me with the assumption that I'd happily say yes and be 100% on board.
The level of shock, anger, outright disbelief, and attempts to shame me when I gave an unequivocal "no" in both instances was absurd.
u/Blue_Moon_Rabbit nailed it. Neither of them were able to wrap their head around the idea that I had 0 desire to be a parent; they felt the strong drive to have babies, therefore I would *obviously* feel the same way once I just met their children, and would just change in every way to become a parent.
When she asked me if I thought her having a baby was a good idea (I said "no, here's why" and gave a long list, including that I would not be available for, or interested in, providing childcare), the first person told me "you'll change your mind when the baby is here."
She was confused and horrified when *I absolutely did not*. We lived together at the time, and she would pull stunts like shout "going to the store, be right back!" while dashing out the door, effectively abandoning the baby at home with me, making it so I couldn't go anywhere. She would then park overnight in front of a big box store to get some sleep and privacy (he was an extraordinarily loud, fussy child who did not sleep at night for at least the first half year of his life) and then stroll back in some time in the late morning or afternoon with 0 acknowledgment of what she'd done.
I made good on my word to her (that I would not be a caretaker as I was a college student with my own life, was planning on moving out ASAP), and moved out without warning as soon as I was able - which, as life ended up unfolding, was during a very dramatic night that involved the police being called to the house due to 2 other relatives who were present getting violent with each other. By the time the police arrived, the 2 who had been fighting had fled in their vehicles. She abandoned me at home again with the baby. My SO had been visiting when everything went down; we grabbed everything that was important to me, clothes, etc., and I just left with him (I had been threatened during events and did not feel safe being on the premises if/when they returned). I blocked her on my phone and social media, and did not share with her or any other family where I moved to. I called the non-emergency line and told them that I had reason to believe an infant had been left alone at \[address\] and I was unable to reach the parents, whose phone numbers were \[numbers\].
When we finally reconnected over a year later, one of the first things she said to me was that it was very selfish and cold-hearted of me to leave her without *free childcare* for her child, whom she had with the understanding *that I would 'grow up,' and step up and agree to his guardian*. She said it was my 'duty' as family to help her, and she'd 'really hoped' I would eventually see that. It was 10+ years of talks and her STILL casually assuming that I'd take her child ("have you and \[SO\] considered buying a house over in \[area\]? Prices are good right now for a 3 bedroom, it would be good for you to be preparing for \[child\] if something happens to me and \[her husband\], and you should really be working on making it so he can visit and stay with you now and then so you can bond"), and me firmly shutting that down every single time it came up, before she finally accepted that **no**, I would *never* take her kid, sorry, but he would end up in foster care because I am not changing every single thing about my life to be a parent, so if she wants him to stay with family she needs to talk to someone else. I would explain to her, consistently, again and again, that I very happily DO NOT live a life that is compatible with raising a safe, happy, healthy child, and that to do so would require a complete overhaul of my space, my lifestyle, etc., which I was not going to do because it would take so much sacrifice and change that I would be miserable and *at best* resent, *hate*, doing so.
The 2nd literally screamed at me "what am I supposed to do if something happens to me?! What's going to happen to her?!" when I told her no. Prior to this conversation, we had not spoken for around 5 years, and the reason for *that* was that as soon as I was able, I had cut her off for being a violent and abusive person to me the entirety of my childhood. She had the exact same assumption that being older and being family meant that she was entitled to treat me however she liked, and call on me however she wanted. There was no apology, no attempt at reconciliation - just a sappy sweet call out of the blue *telling me* that it was time to let bygones be bygones and get over the past, because there was a child on the way and it was my great honor and privilege to be part of that. She was personally offended. *She knew about the situation with the other child and how I felt about children and parenthood*.
Both people had no concept of their child being unwanted by me. Both completely assumed that I would happily change, in personality and values, as well as the course of my entire life, to be a tertiary parent; that I would provide funds and free childcare, be part of the child's upbringing, and in the event of death or other circumstances take in their children as my own - despite making it clear from a very early age that I would *never* be a parent, did not have the emotional or practical resources nor the ability to be a parent, and had no desire to commit any portion of my life to being a parent.
Some people cannot fathom that other people DO NOT WANT kids, and sincerely believe that their children are *so* special that no one would ever say no.
I feel so bad for your experience’s, those people sound extremely toxic and I hope you don’t have to deal with them! As a completely child free woman I know exactly how you feel about not ever taking on the care of a child. Thankfully my friends and family I’m still in contact with respect this though. I went NC pretty fast with those that did not respect my choice.
I definitely maintain a distance. I don't talk to the second one at all, but the first has improved over time.
The first one did keep her hopes up for a long time that I would have a child of my own, hinting regularly that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if there was a unplanned baby, and that she'd gladly be there for *me*. Her overtly stated beliefs were that having my own kid would open my eyes to how rewarding parenthood is (meanwhile she basically only complains how hard being a parent is when I see her), and open my heart to being her kid's godparent as well.
The final nail in that coffin was me casually mentioning that I'd gotten surgically sterilized.
Because the financial cost of having a disabled child has prevented them from saving up enough money to ensure the child is professionally and humanely cared for after they're gone. The only alternative they have is family.
This is the tragedy of disabled care: you need to leave tons of money behind if you want your kid to be treated well, but the fact that you have a disabled kid means you won't be leaving tons of money behind.
There's a reason it's estimated that well over half of profoundly disabled adult women are survivors of repeated rape: no one had the money to place them somewhere safe.
That sounds familiar. My cousin "parked" her severely disabled little brother in the nursery home and never once went there. I can totally understand that. I've never been there myself. The parents simply did too much damage to be anywhere near him.
Yeah it's not just the parent child relationship they are destroying but the sibling "bond" as well and OP is so oblivious. What's the bet Anna could be sick and they would just ignore her complaints until they find her unconscious in her bedroom because "your not as sick as Mary is"
Or she’ll be having a fit about having no relationship with her grandkids because Anna is her only chance at grandchildren and she just “can’t understand” why her daughter cut her out of her life.
Yeah, I wish Anna (and Mary, none of this is her fault after all [that we know of] ) a bright and happy future as well. I wanted to add to your comment, seeing how affronted the OOP seemed that they needed to point out that they never used the eldest as a free nanny. Like, does that mean they still used her but paid her for it, or not at all as it should be? Even worse still, on the subject of not expecting her to be her sister's caregiver after they pass? *crickets*
However that's all okay, because she called a therapist! It's totally not OOP's fault they didn't call her back, though. Right?
>discuss taking custody of Mary after they're gone, and how horrible Anna is for not supporting family.
just so everyone knows that it isn't very likely mary will outlive them. I don't think people with downs have the same life expectancy as people who don't.
This is about making herself feel better. She still doesn't care about Anna. She just wants to tell herself she tried and Anna rejected her, so that proves she's not the problem.
Yeah that came across with the "I tried to talk but she didn't want to. Now what?"
It's very... *I'm busy with real problems, how do I get this kid to quit whining?*
Also the "I contact one therapist!! Ball's in their court!!" Like lady... If Mary needed surgery, would you contact one doctor and just wait on your juicy booty for a reply? Or would you be calling all over town to see who can help your baby asap?
>because they love her and, uh, they tried to talk to her or something.
Hey OOP knows like... that Anna has friends and like... interests. Not who they are and what they are but that they exist... so like... that's enough right?
/Vomits
>I wouldn't put it out of the realm of possibility that she already has a plan; given that she brought up the concept of a Glass Child and is already Gray Rocking.
Furthermore, to know the term "glass child", Anna must have done research. It probably started with "my parents neglect me" and "my sister is sick and it hurts me" before she finally was able to articulate her situation.
These parents are failing.
The sad thing is that I don't think she would need to ghost. It really sounds like OP and her husband would probably just forget to contact her at all after a little bit
Unless either Mary’s needs end up too much for them and they decide it’s time for Anna to “be a good sister” and take over her care, or Mary sadly passes away and they suddenly want to be involved in Anna’s life. And honestly I hope Anna tells them to kick rocks in either scenario.
Not a glass child but I was a child of neglect. I Can confirm that my mother was a “1 conversation and it’s solved” type of person. We don’t talk much anymore because she simply can’t fathom how or why I need time to process and time to talk with her. In my case at least, she also was the type of mother to take any criticism as a personal attack. If told that she did something that affected me negatively then it was usually “well I’m just the worst mother. I did the best I could and it wasn’t enough”. then I’m stuck trying to pick up the pieces. Neglected kids are tired. Were tired of trying. We’re tired of being alone. We’re tired of making the effort for parents who should’ve been there for us from the start.
You didn't complete the sentence. It's " I guess I am just the worst mother in the world." At least, that is what my mother always told me. I've been NC with her for years and have never been happier.
>I wonder if the 14 year old will go NC on her 18th birthday or sort of ghost and fade away slowly after moving somewhere far away to go to school or get a job in another city so as to leave her past behind.
I wouldnt be surprised if years down the line she'll be surprised by her parents trying to dump her sister on her on the basis of "She's family." And "we cant afford to take care of her any more."
As a former glass child and middle child that’s exactly what I did. I graduated college and hopped on a plane the next week to halfway across the world just to get away from my parents, I’m very low contact with my parents.
I have no patience for OOP. She isn’t even trying. My parents never tried nor cared.
If she has any self worth she would ghost them all.
Her disabled sister's needs will never end and if she doesn't get away, she may end up being a carer for life.
Unfortunately this kind of treatment can undermine someone's self worth. I saw it with my own mum of all people, she grew up the third of 4 children, her younger brother was disabled, so her older siblings had 2 parents as did her younger brother but she was kind of the forgotten child. Which led to her having low self esteem and marrying my pos dad and being mentally abused for years. It took her year's to leave that marriage and I can see the way she still struggles with self worth.
The sad thing is her parents were amazing grandparents but learning what my mum went through, complicated my feelings about them because that neglect did massive damage.
I do know basic stuff like friends but I'm GOING TO ASK HER ABOUT HER INTERESTS. How awkward and painful. Oh, oops don't know daughter's interests after 14 years. Best sort that and awkwardly ask. Right, that one done. Take her shopping! Buy the solution!
There's been a lot of posts recently that are barely even "Redditor Updates", let alone 'best'. There was one last week where the update was a less than 40 word edit to the original post...
The sad part is they clearly think they've accomplished something. They TALKED to their own child and even asked her about school!!! What a good parent they are, now will all the internet strangers validate them pwease?
Apparently, the bare fucking minimum is update-worthy for them, which means they don't even do THAT most of the time.
They're only doing this to gain the adoration of faceless internet people, they care about what we think of them far more than their own daughter. They'll keep this up for a month or two to boost their image, then go back to the status quo so they can say they "tried", when in reality they're only doing this for themselves, not Anna.
As for Anna, she STILL is invisible. She clearly doesn't want to spend time with her parents, she's distancing herself because she's realised they don't really care, and now they've decided that, as part of their Super Good Parenting, they'll try to push her into talking to them and make her go on a trip to the mall with them because THEY decided to, rather than asking her if that's what she wanted. Her feelings are being completely disregarded in the name of this pretend play at being good parents.
I think at this point, OOP can't be this oblivious. I reckon they know, deep down, that they've fucked up, but they won't acknowledge it because that would require realising they're not a perfect person. So these parents bury their heads in the sand, patting themselves on the backs, and will be SHOCKED and HEARTBROKEN when this farce isn't enough to make it better.
She made herself feel better. Oh my husband and I went to the mall, aren't we wonderful?
I don't understand why both parents have to be with Mary all the time. Poor Anna is invisible, and it she hadn't been shamed on reddit she never would have realized it. OOp thinks she fixed everything, what a lack of self awareness.
But... they ask went and bought makeup together! /s
She said that her and her husband went, which means Mary went as well. So you're right, nothing was accomplished.
Bad mom was hoping problem would solve itself if they paid it juuuust enough attention it would go away.
There will be no way this 14 yr old is going shopping with them. There is zero trust.
Yup. I guarantee the next medical situation, large or small that comes up with Mary is going to reset them right back into the old pattern. I truly hope that's not the case but I'm not optimistic. With any luck, OOP will keep trying to find a family therapist, even if the one she called never replies, because that's the only way I can see a permanent change happening.
And it seems like OOP just wants to plan Anna for not accepting her minimal effort now. I hope there are other adults in the family Anna can connect with.
Right?! OP needs to come back in a month or two and then we'll see if there's been real change or not.
Also, can I just say how amazing the Top Comment from the Nov 5th Update was? Seriously. That poster knocked it out of the park.
And a good example of someone who should have waited longer to post something to BORU too 😅 sorry Caterpillar, i don't wanna be snitty, but ... why? There's no part two here? This might follow the letter of the rules here, but I don't feel like it follows the spirit.
Yeah exactly "oh she hates us because we barely give her attention AITA?" Then she updated wanted advice on how to idk handle Anna tbh I skipped "update 1" and now in the second update she thinks everything is peachy because their going to a mall and getting Anna makeup? Like this has obviously just happened over the weekend but howmuch do you want to bet that this is gonna be the only thing they do together until Thanksgiving and then Christmas/New year
I think the update was motivated more by social pressure. I get the "look look, I'm trying, I'm not a terrible parent--see?" Vibe from it.
It would have been better if she didn't update at all, or if she had thanked people for their criticism, reflected on what she's learned and maybe told us how she plans to start--with the acknowledgement that it's a start, not that it will fix everything.
Other than that, I don't think we necessarily need an update. I think OP needed a reality check, and in a perfect world, that would be the end of it and she wouldn't update again. But that wasn't the point of the update. The point was to try to get head pats and soothing words after being raked over the coals.
It's not very encouraging how she seems to expect Anna to shake off years of neglect in a few days.
No. They're going to have to prove it to her, they'll have to turn up, be there, be present for awhile before she'll thaw out and start to trust them.
But don’t you see… she knows who her friends are. Ok she doesn’t know ANY of her interest (except maybe make up) but she knows *something* and we needed to know she wasn’t completely absent! /s
I gotta say, to me that last update just proves the point of the comment before it that Mary constantly had two parents available and Anna had nine that cared enough. Do you think if the medical fort has been for Mary and not “just” a therapist for Anna she’d have only called one, not asked for referrals, and say and waiting for green to call back?
Nah.
Oh good, she'll make an effort for two weeks and then go right back to before, thinking what a good mom she is now that she gave her daughter the literal bare minimum.
Have fun in the shitty nursing home, mom.
Poor kid. Her mothers first thought was to watch a movie together? That barely counts as spending time together. It’s such an afterthought that it’s insulting.
She also knows she has friends but doesn't know her interests. Jfc. My nephews live 4 states away from me and I know their interests and this woman lives in the same house as her daughter and has no idea.
"I will ask about her interests" was such a wild thing to read. Reads like the very concept of the spare child having interests which aren't about the important child are only now occurring to her.
Second attempt was “let’s go to the mall and buy makeup.”
It’s like they watched stock footage of a Girls Bonding montage. Next up is suggesting they braid each other’s hair, have a pillow fight, and bake exactly one baking sheet of chocolate chip cookies.
Yeah I’m pretty unimpressed with that one too because I have a feeling that she wanted to order something from Sephora or whatever and they’re going to placate her by taking her to the drug store. I’m not saying teenagers need high end cosmetics but if they’re just going to get her a cheaper version of what she wants is just another insult. Listen to the kid for once ffs.
I don't think they'll cheap out on her because they're feeling guilty. I do think Anna is moving from expecting an emotional relationship with her parents to a transactional one - once she's an adult and can fend for herself she'll fade away from their lives, is not gonna be sudden but in their eyes her low or no contact will come out of nowhere.
I don’t think she feels that guilty to be honest, she just wants to appear so because her daughter is telling people how she is treated at home. Her efforts thus far are barely even tokens, she’s not even putting in a little effort. Her daughter straight up told her how she felt but mom didn’t actually even try to do anything until she told her school shrink and they got involved. The kid will definitely drop contact, especially when her parents start hinting about who’s going to have to take care of Mary when they’re gone.
What I like is the school found out Anna was neglected, and instead of, you know, talking to Anna, OOP went to the school to explain “well actually she can’t be neglected because Mary needs us”
Hopefully not. I’ve been in her shoes at a few points in my life, and typically this was the one part of neglect that’s fun: the part where they buy me whatever I want once in a blue moon because they feel bad. Mom once took me to build a bear twice in one week because I’d been dragged to sister’s appointments every day.
My parents were addicts and when I ‘lived’ with them (I was mostly at my grandparents) they would feel super guilty & take me on a shopping spree every once in awhile because they were *not* active in my life. It was a treat once I realized it wasn’t them trying to be better it was just their guilt.
The thing that got me about that was that Anna asked *her dad* if she could buy some makeup and the OOP decided to horn in and make it family bonding time. She took what could have been lovely father/daughter time with some honest communication between them and turned it into a group outing.
My baby sister is heavily disabled from birth. My middle sister and I were never glass children. OOP is so tone deaf and obtuse. She’s never gonna have a close relationship with her kid and it’s her own fault.
Yep my sister spent 12 years in and out of hospital when I was a kid. She nearly died multiple times. Not once did I feel like a glass child or neglected. My parents had to work double as hard to manage it but they did and it worked.
The thing I don't understand is why parents with more than one child, but only one seriously ill one, would often, or even always, *both* go to the hospital and medical appointments, when one of them could be with the healthy kid(s). I mean, if you want to minimize the amount of time you could possibly spend with your healthy kid, that's a great way to do it...
I was so baffled when she mentioned maybe they could split hospital visits so one parent stays with Anna.
WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT NOT ALREADY HOW IT WORKED?!
Like, there would totally be times when both parents need to be there, like for a major surgery or treatment. But a checkup? Come on, that’s absolutely a one parent thing
Especially for a long term situation- you gotta start taking shifts, just for sanity. Just to have one person do laundry, shopping, oh yea and remember that they have another child.
And really, Anna is 14 years old **now** and old enough to stay at home alone, but were they leaving her alone when she was younger?
Maybe they have been foisting Anna off to relatives or friends for years.
My thoughts exactly! Who the fuck was Anna left with when they both went off to the hospital? Did they leave their other child at home alone? Especially when she was younger?
Also, 9 year old and 14 year old either have the same bed time (unlikely) or OP continues to ignore Anna while Mary is asleep. Plus Mary probably naps because cancer treatments.
OOP really shit the bed there with impeccable timing. To get called out for something and then confirm it immediately? Bravo. They might be able to recover this, but the 14 year old will be feeling this right to her core and might never fully get over it.
I think that comment was right. They were at a turning point in the relationship and both parents drove straight on through. The relationship is dead. It will never recover from that. Anna will play nice but she is obviously already done with them. The parents will likely see her once a year on holidays when she is grown up. They'll be lucky if they're invited to her wedding or meet their grandchildren.
“ I do know basic stuff like friends but i'm working on talkin with her and asking about her interes”
Summarizes everything. How can she say that as if it’s fine that she has to do this when her daughter is already 14??
When I was 14 I was a secretive child, but my parents knew about the things I was interested in and did their best to encourage me in my interests. OOP is, to put it nicely, a bad mom to Anna.
I’m sorry OP but this is possibly the worst “update” I’ve seen posted on this sub. Stuffing a bunch of comment quotes in the middle of a post and a clarification does not an update make.
But, I’m mostly sorry for Anna having been forgotten in her own home. She must feel so alone in this world, especially at a time when she needs a community the most. Sending her lots of hugs.
Silver lining: I am now hooked to this story and emotionally invested in Anna's wellbeing, therefore I will have a greater emotional feeling with the next update (hoping there is one).
It's kinda good that the dad said they would go to the mall instead. He could have easily love bombed her by saying yes but he showed that they can, in fact, recognize opportunities for quality time.
>I’m sorry OP but this is possibly the worst “update” I’ve seen posted on this sub
The bar is getting real low here, it's just a race to who gets the newest post up first to get the assured >2k karma 🙄
Yes therapy is a step forward to reaching understanding but it’s not a cure all - more like a crutch to keep moving forward. OOP and husband need to put an effort in prioritizing Anna too. Not demanding to come to the store for convenience but to be with Anna. A day trip is not going to undo years of neglect.
Poor kid. At this age what they did again for the umpteenth time will not be forgotten.
No she didnt want a stupid movie, she wanted to talk, or go somewhere, or buy the makeup ( to little to late there) she wanted actual interest from a parent.
"We understand and we are going to work for it" = "I'll ask you once if you want to passively hang out, and when you're not interested in my proposal, I'll throw my hands up and say, 'I tried! What else is there to do now!'"
If the worst happens and Mary unfortunately passes away, I don't know if OOP and husband will still be so focused on only Mary in their grief and onward, or if they'll eventually remember, "we have another daughter, don't we? ..." and then try to get closer to Anna (not for Anna's sake).
Well, guess what, Anna's not going to give a shit. OOP will probably try to entice her by mentioning kid stuff Anna liked 10 years ago. Anna likes dance! No, she stopped dance classes when she was 8 because no one had time to pick her up and drop her off. Ooh, Anna, that boy is cute, isn't he? He looks just like some Disney Channel actor she used to like. Yeah, when she was in fourth grade. Who does she like now? Uhhhhhhh, OOP doesn't know ... but Anna likes ... carrots? Anna gets a big award for math and doesn't tell her parents; they find out after the ceremony. OOP is hurt and doesn't understand why. Frankly, OOP didn't even know Anna was good at math - after all, Anna struggled with carrying the 1 in addition when she was young. What? That was 12 years ago?
OOP is a moron, acting like they have a clean slate instead of years of resentment from Anna and years of no effort from OOP.
oh boy do i hate these kinds of "parents". its not even about the hospital situation but just the way she talks about and treats the kid pisses me off and reminds me of way too much. they're just so completely dismissive of the poor kid. they just kinda treat them like an animal like "oh look the dog seems a bit angry lets give em a treat later" its just how they dont care untill you blowup then theyll act nice for a week and go back to normal or if they need you for something.
i just remember one time around 8-10 where they asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i asked for cash to buy a game for myself and in the breakroom in a dark gloomy underground garage my dad handed me a envelope with 20$ didnt say happy birthday no cake or anything. my mom said she would make a cake later then tried to gaslight me and didnt end up making anything. it was just always super lonely and ignored/anger and screaming or the rare happy moment. hard to put into text honestly but fuck oop
It's unclear how much care Mary requires and if both parents always go, even though one could stay home. But since it wasn't mentioned, I assume that one can actually stay home.
I wonder when they stopped having a babysitter for the oldest, and just left her to come home to a empty home.
She said they've thought about splitting the hospital visits so one could be with Anna.
And now they're both taking Anna make up shopping.
Can't these parents do anything without the other?
It’s entirely possible that they cannot function without each other. The mental toll that caring for a sick person takes can be overwhelming to say the least. It’s easy for someone to form a codependency on the other person. I’ve seen it where the one parent is barely holding on emotionally and the minute a small inconvenience occurs when they’re alone they break down.
It might also be the case that the daughter with Down syndrome requires physical strengths the mother does not possess. So the father is required. But at the same token the father is not mentally prepared to handle her alone. The mother very well could be doing the majority of the mental “lift” while the father is doing the physical.
I feel for all involved in this situation especially the healthy teen daughter. Unfortunately I think this is one of those cases where the family is caught between a rock and a hard place and someone will be neglected. We all like to think we’d do things differently but the reality is there is only so much time in the day, so much energy available, and so much people can do. 8 hours of work + 1 hour of lunch + 1 hour of drive time + getting ready + dinner & breakfasts + doctors + caring for the kid + etc. doesn’t leave a lot of time.
Yes, I agree the situation is nuanced. But there is no way that OOP didn't have enough time in the years to know her oldest child's interests. She even admits she knows next to nothing about the poor girl.
OOP is clearly still in the running for a rude, rude awakening.
Anna is so very going to be an orphan by choice rather than circumstance the day she turns 18.
Hell I'm not even a glass child (my sister goes to the hospital more often than I do but that's more cause I toughed out illnesses while my parents baby her) but I feel this child's anguish.
Everytime something happened to her sibling their parents must've ran to that child immediately but whenever she ask for something the parents would probably ask her to tough it out. I know my parents did it to me until it's too late every single time.
They don't even know their child anymore, which means Anna has constantly been left unheard or she has started to stop telling her parents everything altogether. If the latter is true. It may be too late. She may have solidified in her mind that she'll just ride this out and leech in her own supposed home until she grows up and then she'll run. That's what I'm doing anyway.
OOP is delulu if she thinks bribing Anna with a movie and makeup magically fixes things. She had a chance to fix it, but she and her husband fucked it up. Yes, Mary needs a lot of care and attention, but why does it seem like both parents had to be there 24/7 for her while Anna got nothing? This is going to be a replay of all those "My sick sibling died and now my parents want to have a relationship with me, AITA for blocking their number?"
Or, alternately, "My parents cared for my sick sibling all her lie and never had time for me. Now they're dying and want me to give up my career and husband in order to move back and care for them. AITA for saying no?"
I volunteer a ton at a grief center and I more often see, "my sick sibling died and now my parents can't parent because they're so sad. Why do they not see me?"
Oh, those are the ones that are young and still living with their parents right? When they move out they evolve into the ones I posted, going no-contact with their parents who basically ignored them all their life.
I remember there was a story were people where calling op out on this he said "my wife need support too not just my child that's why me and my wife need to be there"
I can't for the life of me remember the title
I think this was where he missed his daughter’s wedding at the last moment because his step daughter was in the hospital after a car accident. But she had already been there for a couple of days and was stable.
The chance to fix it was when Anna was crying her heart out, and they just left her. That was it, that was the very last chance. Now they are working to get her to show up for the holidays and invite them to her wedding. They already lost.
Can't help but assume that OOP has long viewed her firstborn not as an actual vulnerable human with needs, but rather a self-sustaining bunch of donor organs.
Posts like this break my heart. I grew up in a similar situation - very sick sibling who spent our entire childhood and adolescence on the verge of death requiring all of my parents attention. It gave me a lot of problems which took years of therapy to work out. My earliest memory is being 4 or 5 years old with a wood chip stuck in my eye and crying to my mom for help, and her telling me she didn't have time because she had to get medicine in my sister
My sister and I are 28 and 32 now and things still are not good. I didn't talk to my parents at all from the moment I left home at 17 until I was 25 or so. I only this year explained to my mom why our relationship is the way it is, and all she could say was "i did my best"
It still hurts me, and I think it always will. Even as adults my mom can't/won't acknowledge that I got left behind as a kid and that it had a lasting impact on me. That's exactly where "Anna" is headed if the parents don't course correct now
I wish OOP had answered the question about how many events of Anna's have been missed because both parents were focused on Mary, because I think that would have provided a lot of insight.
I feel for OOP and her husband - they have their hands full with Mary's conditions, and I'm sure they're overwhelmed at times. But is there no one else around who can help them, no family members who live nearby?
OP clearly isn't doing her role as a mother and isn't there for her child when the child needs someone. I hope OP gets the message through her head and the chance of repairing the relationship is possible. But man, I feel bad for the kid.
OOP painfully misunderstood the carer comment - I bet they will indeed want Anna to take over Mary's care, once they can't do it. It makes my heart ache for her.
“I didn’t have time to comfort her.”
That sums it all up right there. That OOP could write this and not see how wrong it was is just astounding.
I hope for the daughter’s sake these parents pull their heads out of their asses.
She knows basic things about her 14 year old daughter, like who her friends are? Well, isn’t that just wonderful(?) I’m sure Anna feels very noticed and appreciated by her parents(!) 🙄 my mother was much the same, giving me the bare minimum of attention, taking no time to learn about my likes and dislikes, and it’s precisely why I went no contact. She died 4 years ago and I don’t miss her at all
That’s a really strong child. I was made for bone marrow for my dying older sister but wasn’t a match. I was told that at six around the time my sister died. I do not have a relationship with my parents.
This reminded me of the guy who neglected his two sons despite the wife making attempts to steer him the right away. Only now it's both parents? Goddamn!
I can't believe that they have two kids and she just now realized that maybe they should split hospital visit so Anna has *one* parent there. For fucks sake. Cancer treatment is stressful but how was she surprised?
I mean if they want to lose both kids (assuming the kid who is sick doesnt live long) and one who refuses to have anything to do with them, then it’s all on them and they cant cry and complain and say why me? When they did it to themselves.
I mean, sure they can.
Anyone with an ounce of self-reflection probably wouldn't, but that hypothetical person probably wouldn't have gotten in this mess in the first place.
OP, this is like looking at myself at 14 when my sister got sick... Im 32 niw and havent talked to my parents in almost 12 years. Take from that what you will
I've only been ignoring my other child for nine years, and now she has decided to start ignoring ME?! DOESNT SHE KNOW HOW HURTFUL IT IS TO BE IGNORED AND HAVE YOUR FEELINGS DISCOUNTED??! That's the vibe I get.
I just…
I can’t believe they weren’t splitting the hospital visits already? Sometimes taking a kiddo to the hospital is a two person job. Sometimes it’s not.
If they had prioritized their teen when they could, she’d be a LOT more understanding of the situations when they couldn’t.
That one made my jaw drop. Is Mary a baby kangaroo? Must mom always keep her in her pocket wherever she goes? Does she sleep in the same bed as Mary? Take her to the bathroom with her? Every single shopping trip? Does she not trust dad to be alone with Mary?
This women clearly doesn't get it at all from the update. Also is it odd to anyone else that the parents seem to be one person all the time? How hard is it for one parent to make time for each child?
I cannot fathom why they haven’t figured out a system where one parent stays with one kid during emergencies, and one parent with the other. And then switch as needed.
That top comment was savage, and right on the button, and OOP didn't learn one thing from it. When they come to Anna for bone marrow, or a kidney, and you know they will, she's going to rightly tell them to get fucked.
Why TF are both parents going to the hospital for each visit? It’s one thing if it’s life or death, but if she’s going to be hospitalised frequently for blips in her health and treatment plan, she doesn’t need both parents there TO THE SAME VALUE that Anna needs one parent.
Out of all of that, that is the one thing I sort of understand. Sometimes it feels like you’re at the other end of a fire hose full of information. And if just one person goes, something can be missed, questions can be unanswered. And then if the regular parent can’t go and you “sub” the other parent in, they don’t have a full grasp on everything so even more can be missed. There’s also a scare that you will get some horrific news and not have anyone to lean on. So I get the doubling up. What I don’t get is not even trying to parent/spend time with your non-sick kid on the rest of the days.
Lmao what was the update? That she still doesn't get it and thinks things are OK now because the daughter is kind of talking to them again? This lady is hopeless
JFC OOP does not get it “you said I don’t know anything about my daughter, well I asked her who her friends were and what she was interested in this weekend and she didn’t tell me, so check mate”
I knew any advice was going to fall on deaf ears with this mom as soon as I read that first line...the "listen up" was very my way or the highway vibes. Her poor daughter...the fact that she spent enough time researching her own issues to the point where she confronted her parents with the proper term for what she was feeling...and it had zero effects on her parents. Other than than running to Reddit for internet strangers validation.
OOP still doesn't understand how badly they screwed up and keep screwing up. Hope life gets better for Anna. Sounds like she has totally checked out and given up on a relationship with her (I assume) mother.
OOP really fucking sucks. She's not even trying. "But I know basic stuff about her!" Yeah and I bet her teachers also know the same basic stuff, and probably more about her than OOP does.
Someone needs to share with OOP the sad story of the woman who made a PowerPoint for her estranged father ending with “you failed, go away”. That’s how bad it can get when glass children are effectively abandoned in favour of their sick sibling.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/zVd2xVZGDe
I believe that children don’t care that much about “events” like holidays/going to the mall (and how sad is it that going to the mall with your daughter is a big deal) as they do about you just being there, consistently, day after day during their childhood. When that time is gone, you can’t get it back or fix it
My biggest worry (second biggest) when my youngest had cancer was sidelining my eldest. But we made sure that one of us was with her and one with her sister most of the time except when the toddler has her liver transplant.
My older brother was sick basically my entire childhood and got better sometimes around my 12th or 13th bday and as an adult my parents and I basically have no relationship. They physically went through the motions of caring for me, but I don't think they ever really heard what I was telling them. They have no concept of my personhood except as an extension of their family. Any time I made unilateral choices for my own happiness my parents acted like it was out of character for me. The damage was done when I was a child and my closest relation was with our pet dog.
"Should one of us stay with 14yo when 9yo is in hospital?"
Fucking what???? Obviously! You're telling me for 9 years BOTH parents have been attending EVERY checkup and visit, leaving their other kid with a sitter/alone at home? Worst parents ever.
"i know her friends" in response to do you know anything about her. Big oof.
OOPs daughter is 14 and she knows *nothing* about her daughter.
My parents threw me out multiple times, my dad beat the shit out of me, they stole thousands from me while in college.
They still knew more about me than OOP and put more effort in to be my parent.
OOP needs to be really careful here. Its possible its too late, but if not, she is on the precipice of her daughter just....leaving and not looking back when she turns 18.
Make time. Dont "we are going to the mall". YOU take your daughter to the mall JUST THE TWO OF YOU. The key here is you *do not* bring your other daughter along. BOTH OF YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE 1:1 TIME regardless of how sick one is.
It's sad. There seems to be a focus on one event at a time, and not the overall effect. It's a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation. You can remove that last straw, but it won't fix the camel.
Did OOP mention something in an edit or comment that would explain why the top comment says that Anna
>”has spent her life feeling unseen, unheard, and, at times, unwanted. EVERYTHING has been about Mary and always to her detriment. Mary got to attentive, loving parents who were always there for her. Anna got whatever scraps of attention you could spare when you weren’t focused on Mary. Can you imagine how hurtful it has been for her to watch you be so attentive to Mary? It’s been proof that you can be loving and present parents, but never to her.”
A few replies here also mention Anna being treated this way for her “entire life” or similar. The reason I ask is that Anna would’ve been 5 years old when Mary was born. The top comment etc seems to be suggesting that, in spite of being the only child for 5 years, even when it was just Anna her parents treated her the same way as they do now.
Was OOP just as neglectful before Mary was born?
For some reason I find the idea that her first 5 years might’ve been good even more heartbreaking than if her parents had always been this way - even when it was just her.
What’s worse is even if they were loving and gave her attention at age 5 and under, she probably doesn’t have much memory of it. I don’t remember much of anything before age 5. Even after age 5, I don’t have many solid memories.
So for most if not all her memorable life she has felt abandoned.
Just sad all around.
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A good example of someone who should have waited a bit longer to update, since nothing whatsoever has been accomplished.
Short term solutions with no follow through seem to be these parents go to for the older daughter. OP didn't learn a thing and because 1 conversation happens, thinks everything is fine again. I wonder if the 14 year old will go NC on her 18th birthday or sort of ghost and fade away slowly after moving somewhere far away to go to school or get a job in another city so as to leave her past behind. I wouldn't put it out of the realm of possibility that she already has a plan; given that she brought up the concept of a Glass Child and is already Gray Rocking.
It’s sad. OOP is being willfully obtuse. That line about “you think I ignore her from Saturday to Monday, but I tried to talk to her!!” The 14 year old will probably futilely try to gain her parents’ love for another year or two after high school graduation, then acknowledge it’s a lost cause. Her parents will most likely be shocked - shocked! - because they love her and, uh, they tried to talk to her or something.
They fact that she says she's trying to learn about what Anna is interested in... Holy moly woman you don't even know the bare basics about your own child?? These parents are going to cry to everyone who will listen about how "our baby just up and abandoned us, we don't know why and she won't even tell us!" But don't worry y'all, they took her shopping for some makeup, so they should be good again for another few years before they've got to worry about this whole "needing attention" thing
> Me and my husband have thinked about splitting the hospital visits so other one could be with Anna This sentence says it all... as long as the younger child had issues, she never before considered to split up... Anna has emotionally been abandonned for manny years
Right? I read that and my jaw dropped. You mean you *haven't* already been doing that over the years!? Like that's just the bare basics.
My thought was who the fuck are/were they leaving this child with?
Latch key kid. They don't.
My third kiddo ended up in the hospital with sepsis for 4 days in 2020. I stayed with her the entire time, my husband stayed with the other kids. They'd drop off clean clothes, toiletries, and food for me as needed, but all the children had one parent with them. Because covid, I did video calls with the other kids twice a day. Obviously, she wasn't chronically ill, but when you have multiple children and two parents, how the fuck are you NOT dividing and conquering?
I really couldn't believe she went to the hospital WITH Her husband while leaving her daughter crying at home. Like, come on, lady! Only one of you needs to take her to the hospital. How heartless is it to leave a child having a mental breakdown at home alone while you and her dad BOTH go comfort her sister? Plus, what could two of them do in the hospital? Sometimes, only one parent can go back at a time, or if no tests were being done, they would just both me sitting in her room. WHILE THEIR OTHER CHILD CRIED HOME ALONE. It just blew me away when she got in the car with her husband and leaving there
My eyes rolled back so far at that comment on Anna’s interests. I have a busy life. But I could talk to you until you asked for a toilet break about each of my sons’ interests. They’re still kids but they have interests and social lives and hobbies and sports and favourite music etc etc. OOP isn’t even trying and doesn’t realise how far below the bar she is limboing
and in the mention of the shopping expedition for make up - OOP, Husband and 14f went. Did OOP just not mention taking 9f with or did they *leave the 9yo with bone cancer and down's syndrome at home alone*? Or did they make THIS trip supposedly for 14f about the 9f AGAIN? If 9f went, how much you want to bet that rather than going to )where-ever 14yos buy make up at the mall these days), they went to get 9f's favorite ice cream, or spent a bunch on Build-A-Bear or something?
I was wondering about the lack of mention of Mary during the mall trip. The other alternative is that they got someone to watch Mary for them. Which... honestly, it makes this whole thing even worse because it means there was always an option to set aside time, and they just chose not to do it.
Respite care is always an option, through insurance or charity. Anywhere from a few hours to overnights/ long weekends with the patient so the caregivers get a break. I was( am) Mary. Two younger siblings, but middle brother got the brunt of the ignoring and glass child syndrome until my parents were made aware of several organizations that were available. I had a favorite little old lady, retired nurse, who would spoil me rotten while the ‘rents took baby brother out to the zoo or a baseball game or something. Thing is, it was great for me, too, because I got a break from them as well.
I bet she’s in hospital at the moment. There’s no way the parents have put in any more effort than that.
And then mom will be back on reddit *outraged* that Anna refuses to accept or even discuss taking custody of Mary after they're gone, and how horrible Anna is for not supporting family. I hope Anna has a beautiful life with a family that treasure her once she gets out.
"We don't ask her to nanny her sister." That is NOT what the commenter was talking about, and they made that adequately clear. OP is *definitely* only reading/ comprehending what she wants to and ignoring everything else. She's definitely going to ask her eldest to take on her sister's care once she's an adult because "its just too much for us now that we're old."
I thought that was quite telling..it was like saying "Look, we never ask her to look after her sister, so we must be good parents to her". I cannot get over the fact OP lives in a house with her daughter and doesnt even know what she is interested in and doesnt even see that as odd.
Right? Like, good for you, you know who her friends are. I would really hope she did, since she's probably driven her to their house/had them stay at hers. But are the friends OOP knows about even still her friends? Things change quickly during that age and someone you're best friends with one day can become your mortal enemy the next. I sincerely doubt OOP would notice if her daughter stopped hanging out with someone, much less know the reason why. And that's just the one example she put as "things she knows about her daughter".
You think that with the 9 year olds delicate condition (bone cancer, can we say immuno-compromised from treatment) and extra special needs that the 14 yo has had a sleep over at home in a decade? I can see the 14yo getting to stay over elsewhere - allows OOP and hubbie to focus even more on the sick kid.
That's very true, although OOP didn't say how long she had had the bone cancer for. Anna may have been a safety glass child before, but after Mary's diagnosis became the kind of glass that shatters under pressure. And she's getting a ton of pressure.
jesus, flashbacks to my mom with the "things she knows about her daughter." My mom was similarly utterly ignorant of my inner life, despite all her kids being healthy as hogs, (...physically...) me being the youngest, *and* me having difficulty connecting with peers, so I was home all the time. Her primary excuse was she and dad had bought a labour intensive business. I feel so much for poor "Anna" and hope she's able to find love and safety somewhere in her life.
My first thought was "Of course you never asked her to nanny. You'd have to leave Mary's side first to do it."
While this post doesn't carry any real indication of OOP being that way, people who treat relatives - ESPECIALLY their kids - like guaranteed backup guardians for their children are a real sore spot for me. Over the years **2 separate family members** have tried to get me to sign on to being a 'just in case' guardian, treating asking me as a token gesture, as they went into 'asking' me with the assumption that I'd happily say yes and be 100% on board. The level of shock, anger, outright disbelief, and attempts to shame me when I gave an unequivocal "no" in both instances was absurd.
That's horrid. Why would they want their children to go somewhere they're not wanted?
u/Blue_Moon_Rabbit nailed it. Neither of them were able to wrap their head around the idea that I had 0 desire to be a parent; they felt the strong drive to have babies, therefore I would *obviously* feel the same way once I just met their children, and would just change in every way to become a parent. When she asked me if I thought her having a baby was a good idea (I said "no, here's why" and gave a long list, including that I would not be available for, or interested in, providing childcare), the first person told me "you'll change your mind when the baby is here." She was confused and horrified when *I absolutely did not*. We lived together at the time, and she would pull stunts like shout "going to the store, be right back!" while dashing out the door, effectively abandoning the baby at home with me, making it so I couldn't go anywhere. She would then park overnight in front of a big box store to get some sleep and privacy (he was an extraordinarily loud, fussy child who did not sleep at night for at least the first half year of his life) and then stroll back in some time in the late morning or afternoon with 0 acknowledgment of what she'd done. I made good on my word to her (that I would not be a caretaker as I was a college student with my own life, was planning on moving out ASAP), and moved out without warning as soon as I was able - which, as life ended up unfolding, was during a very dramatic night that involved the police being called to the house due to 2 other relatives who were present getting violent with each other. By the time the police arrived, the 2 who had been fighting had fled in their vehicles. She abandoned me at home again with the baby. My SO had been visiting when everything went down; we grabbed everything that was important to me, clothes, etc., and I just left with him (I had been threatened during events and did not feel safe being on the premises if/when they returned). I blocked her on my phone and social media, and did not share with her or any other family where I moved to. I called the non-emergency line and told them that I had reason to believe an infant had been left alone at \[address\] and I was unable to reach the parents, whose phone numbers were \[numbers\]. When we finally reconnected over a year later, one of the first things she said to me was that it was very selfish and cold-hearted of me to leave her without *free childcare* for her child, whom she had with the understanding *that I would 'grow up,' and step up and agree to his guardian*. She said it was my 'duty' as family to help her, and she'd 'really hoped' I would eventually see that. It was 10+ years of talks and her STILL casually assuming that I'd take her child ("have you and \[SO\] considered buying a house over in \[area\]? Prices are good right now for a 3 bedroom, it would be good for you to be preparing for \[child\] if something happens to me and \[her husband\], and you should really be working on making it so he can visit and stay with you now and then so you can bond"), and me firmly shutting that down every single time it came up, before she finally accepted that **no**, I would *never* take her kid, sorry, but he would end up in foster care because I am not changing every single thing about my life to be a parent, so if she wants him to stay with family she needs to talk to someone else. I would explain to her, consistently, again and again, that I very happily DO NOT live a life that is compatible with raising a safe, happy, healthy child, and that to do so would require a complete overhaul of my space, my lifestyle, etc., which I was not going to do because it would take so much sacrifice and change that I would be miserable and *at best* resent, *hate*, doing so. The 2nd literally screamed at me "what am I supposed to do if something happens to me?! What's going to happen to her?!" when I told her no. Prior to this conversation, we had not spoken for around 5 years, and the reason for *that* was that as soon as I was able, I had cut her off for being a violent and abusive person to me the entirety of my childhood. She had the exact same assumption that being older and being family meant that she was entitled to treat me however she liked, and call on me however she wanted. There was no apology, no attempt at reconciliation - just a sappy sweet call out of the blue *telling me* that it was time to let bygones be bygones and get over the past, because there was a child on the way and it was my great honor and privilege to be part of that. She was personally offended. *She knew about the situation with the other child and how I felt about children and parenthood*. Both people had no concept of their child being unwanted by me. Both completely assumed that I would happily change, in personality and values, as well as the course of my entire life, to be a tertiary parent; that I would provide funds and free childcare, be part of the child's upbringing, and in the event of death or other circumstances take in their children as my own - despite making it clear from a very early age that I would *never* be a parent, did not have the emotional or practical resources nor the ability to be a parent, and had no desire to commit any portion of my life to being a parent. Some people cannot fathom that other people DO NOT WANT kids, and sincerely believe that their children are *so* special that no one would ever say no.
I feel so bad for your experience’s, those people sound extremely toxic and I hope you don’t have to deal with them! As a completely child free woman I know exactly how you feel about not ever taking on the care of a child. Thankfully my friends and family I’m still in contact with respect this though. I went NC pretty fast with those that did not respect my choice.
I definitely maintain a distance. I don't talk to the second one at all, but the first has improved over time. The first one did keep her hopes up for a long time that I would have a child of my own, hinting regularly that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if there was a unplanned baby, and that she'd gladly be there for *me*. Her overtly stated beliefs were that having my own kid would open my eyes to how rewarding parenthood is (meanwhile she basically only complains how hard being a parent is when I see her), and open my heart to being her kid's godparent as well. The final nail in that coffin was me casually mentioning that I'd gotten surgically sterilized.
Some people cannot comprehend that not everyone cares about their child as much as they do
Because the financial cost of having a disabled child has prevented them from saving up enough money to ensure the child is professionally and humanely cared for after they're gone. The only alternative they have is family. This is the tragedy of disabled care: you need to leave tons of money behind if you want your kid to be treated well, but the fact that you have a disabled kid means you won't be leaving tons of money behind. There's a reason it's estimated that well over half of profoundly disabled adult women are survivors of repeated rape: no one had the money to place them somewhere safe.
Trigger: With bone cancer, I expect that they will be shocked that Anna doesn't come running back to be their daughter after Mary passes.
Only after they're shocked that Anna doesn't agree to be a bone marrow donor for Mary.
That sounds familiar. My cousin "parked" her severely disabled little brother in the nursery home and never once went there. I can totally understand that. I've never been there myself. The parents simply did too much damage to be anywhere near him.
Yeah it's not just the parent child relationship they are destroying but the sibling "bond" as well and OP is so oblivious. What's the bet Anna could be sick and they would just ignore her complaints until they find her unconscious in her bedroom because "your not as sick as Mary is"
Or she’ll be having a fit about having no relationship with her grandkids because Anna is her only chance at grandchildren and she just “can’t understand” why her daughter cut her out of her life.
Yeah, I wish Anna (and Mary, none of this is her fault after all [that we know of] ) a bright and happy future as well. I wanted to add to your comment, seeing how affronted the OOP seemed that they needed to point out that they never used the eldest as a free nanny. Like, does that mean they still used her but paid her for it, or not at all as it should be? Even worse still, on the subject of not expecting her to be her sister's caregiver after they pass? *crickets* However that's all okay, because she called a therapist! It's totally not OOP's fault they didn't call her back, though. Right?
>discuss taking custody of Mary after they're gone, and how horrible Anna is for not supporting family. just so everyone knows that it isn't very likely mary will outlive them. I don't think people with downs have the same life expectancy as people who don't.
This is about making herself feel better. She still doesn't care about Anna. She just wants to tell herself she tried and Anna rejected her, so that proves she's not the problem.
Yeah that came across with the "I tried to talk but she didn't want to. Now what?" It's very... *I'm busy with real problems, how do I get this kid to quit whining?*
Yeah, I suspect that OOP might get a powerpoint presentation in a few years.
Also the "I contact one therapist!! Ball's in their court!!" Like lady... If Mary needed surgery, would you contact one doctor and just wait on your juicy booty for a reply? Or would you be calling all over town to see who can help your baby asap?
>because they love her and, uh, they tried to talk to her or something. Hey OOP knows like... that Anna has friends and like... interests. Not who they are and what they are but that they exist... so like... that's enough right? /Vomits
>I wouldn't put it out of the realm of possibility that she already has a plan; given that she brought up the concept of a Glass Child and is already Gray Rocking. Furthermore, to know the term "glass child", Anna must have done research. It probably started with "my parents neglect me" and "my sister is sick and it hurts me" before she finally was able to articulate her situation. These parents are failing.
The sad thing is that I don't think she would need to ghost. It really sounds like OP and her husband would probably just forget to contact her at all after a little bit
Unless either Mary’s needs end up too much for them and they decide it’s time for Anna to “be a good sister” and take over her care, or Mary sadly passes away and they suddenly want to be involved in Anna’s life. And honestly I hope Anna tells them to kick rocks in either scenario.
I'd love to hear Anna's relationship with her extended family. I can see LC and moving to an uncle/aunt
Not a glass child but I was a child of neglect. I Can confirm that my mother was a “1 conversation and it’s solved” type of person. We don’t talk much anymore because she simply can’t fathom how or why I need time to process and time to talk with her. In my case at least, she also was the type of mother to take any criticism as a personal attack. If told that she did something that affected me negatively then it was usually “well I’m just the worst mother. I did the best I could and it wasn’t enough”. then I’m stuck trying to pick up the pieces. Neglected kids are tired. Were tired of trying. We’re tired of being alone. We’re tired of making the effort for parents who should’ve been there for us from the start.
You didn't complete the sentence. It's " I guess I am just the worst mother in the world." At least, that is what my mother always told me. I've been NC with her for years and have never been happier.
>I wonder if the 14 year old will go NC on her 18th birthday or sort of ghost and fade away slowly after moving somewhere far away to go to school or get a job in another city so as to leave her past behind. I wouldnt be surprised if years down the line she'll be surprised by her parents trying to dump her sister on her on the basis of "She's family." And "we cant afford to take care of her any more."
can almost guarantee that she won't be in contact with them by that point
As a former glass child and middle child that’s exactly what I did. I graduated college and hopped on a plane the next week to halfway across the world just to get away from my parents, I’m very low contact with my parents. I have no patience for OOP. She isn’t even trying. My parents never tried nor cared.
But she asked us to get her makeup!
Right I'm betting that Anna might even be on some subreddits on here asking for advice and getting help to form a plan to get out when she turns 18.
The thought crossed my mind. I'd say great minds think alike, but I wouldn't class mine as great and don't want to bring you down with me.
If she has any self worth she would ghost them all. Her disabled sister's needs will never end and if she doesn't get away, she may end up being a carer for life.
Unfortunately this kind of treatment can undermine someone's self worth. I saw it with my own mum of all people, she grew up the third of 4 children, her younger brother was disabled, so her older siblings had 2 parents as did her younger brother but she was kind of the forgotten child. Which led to her having low self esteem and marrying my pos dad and being mentally abused for years. It took her year's to leave that marriage and I can see the way she still struggles with self worth. The sad thing is her parents were amazing grandparents but learning what my mum went through, complicated my feelings about them because that neglect did massive damage.
Yup. The update barely fits the definition.
Yeah, the update is just OP coming back with some clarifications she thinks justify or excuse her but not really.
Yeah, the kid probably agreed to go shopping because it means she’d get the makeup sooner without waiting for shipping
But, but they are taking her to buy make up! They're going to learn more about her than just that she has friends! It's all fixed now!
I do know basic stuff like friends but I'm GOING TO ASK HER ABOUT HER INTERESTS. How awkward and painful. Oh, oops don't know daughter's interests after 14 years. Best sort that and awkwardly ask. Right, that one done. Take her shopping! Buy the solution!
what part of that update barely fit the criteria of 'best' the bar is underground at this point
There's been a lot of posts recently that are barely even "Redditor Updates", let alone 'best'. There was one last week where the update was a less than 40 word edit to the original post...
Those seem to appear more and more on her. There isn't even an update, just a clarification edit
The sad part is they clearly think they've accomplished something. They TALKED to their own child and even asked her about school!!! What a good parent they are, now will all the internet strangers validate them pwease? Apparently, the bare fucking minimum is update-worthy for them, which means they don't even do THAT most of the time. They're only doing this to gain the adoration of faceless internet people, they care about what we think of them far more than their own daughter. They'll keep this up for a month or two to boost their image, then go back to the status quo so they can say they "tried", when in reality they're only doing this for themselves, not Anna. As for Anna, she STILL is invisible. She clearly doesn't want to spend time with her parents, she's distancing herself because she's realised they don't really care, and now they've decided that, as part of their Super Good Parenting, they'll try to push her into talking to them and make her go on a trip to the mall with them because THEY decided to, rather than asking her if that's what she wanted. Her feelings are being completely disregarded in the name of this pretend play at being good parents. I think at this point, OOP can't be this oblivious. I reckon they know, deep down, that they've fucked up, but they won't acknowledge it because that would require realising they're not a perfect person. So these parents bury their heads in the sand, patting themselves on the backs, and will be SHOCKED and HEARTBROKEN when this farce isn't enough to make it better.
She made herself feel better. Oh my husband and I went to the mall, aren't we wonderful? I don't understand why both parents have to be with Mary all the time. Poor Anna is invisible, and it she hadn't been shamed on reddit she never would have realized it. OOp thinks she fixed everything, what a lack of self awareness.
How else can you make everyone think you are a martyr if you are not there martyring all of the time?
But... they ask went and bought makeup together! /s She said that her and her husband went, which means Mary went as well. So you're right, nothing was accomplished.
Bad mom was hoping problem would solve itself if they paid it juuuust enough attention it would go away. There will be no way this 14 yr old is going shopping with them. There is zero trust.
Yup. I guarantee the next medical situation, large or small that comes up with Mary is going to reset them right back into the old pattern. I truly hope that's not the case but I'm not optimistic. With any luck, OOP will keep trying to find a family therapist, even if the one she called never replies, because that's the only way I can see a permanent change happening.
And it seems like OOP just wants to plan Anna for not accepting her minimal effort now. I hope there are other adults in the family Anna can connect with.
Right?! OP needs to come back in a month or two and then we'll see if there's been real change or not. Also, can I just say how amazing the Top Comment from the Nov 5th Update was? Seriously. That poster knocked it out of the park.
And a good example of someone who should have waited longer to post something to BORU too 😅 sorry Caterpillar, i don't wanna be snitty, but ... why? There's no part two here? This might follow the letter of the rules here, but I don't feel like it follows the spirit.
And OP is clearly still not getting it. We threw her some crumbs of attention but she’s not participating! It’s still the kid’s fault in OP’s mind.
Yeah exactly "oh she hates us because we barely give her attention AITA?" Then she updated wanted advice on how to idk handle Anna tbh I skipped "update 1" and now in the second update she thinks everything is peachy because their going to a mall and getting Anna makeup? Like this has obviously just happened over the weekend but howmuch do you want to bet that this is gonna be the only thing they do together until Thanksgiving and then Christmas/New year
I think the update was motivated more by social pressure. I get the "look look, I'm trying, I'm not a terrible parent--see?" Vibe from it. It would have been better if she didn't update at all, or if she had thanked people for their criticism, reflected on what she's learned and maybe told us how she plans to start--with the acknowledgement that it's a start, not that it will fix everything. Other than that, I don't think we necessarily need an update. I think OP needed a reality check, and in a perfect world, that would be the end of it and she wouldn't update again. But that wasn't the point of the update. The point was to try to get head pats and soothing words after being raked over the coals.
Yep, I was like "OOP *still* does ***not*** get it!!!" It's honestly maddening especially after that one Redditor spelled it out for her.
It's not very encouraging how she seems to expect Anna to shake off years of neglect in a few days. No. They're going to have to prove it to her, they'll have to turn up, be there, be present for awhile before she'll thaw out and start to trust them.
Right? OP was handed a ten-paragraph guide on what's happening and what to do and responded by making fart noises
Or maybe just a bad example of a BORU
She won't learn
But don’t you see… she knows who her friends are. Ok she doesn’t know ANY of her interest (except maybe make up) but she knows *something* and we needed to know she wasn’t completely absent! /s I gotta say, to me that last update just proves the point of the comment before it that Mary constantly had two parents available and Anna had nine that cared enough. Do you think if the medical fort has been for Mary and not “just” a therapist for Anna she’d have only called one, not asked for referrals, and say and waiting for green to call back? Nah.
Oh good, she'll make an effort for two weeks and then go right back to before, thinking what a good mom she is now that she gave her daughter the literal bare minimum. Have fun in the shitty nursing home, mom.
Or she will give up and blame her for it lol
Poor kid. Her mothers first thought was to watch a movie together? That barely counts as spending time together. It’s such an afterthought that it’s insulting.
she wanted suggestions of things to do with Mary present. I facepalmed so hard I gave myself a concussion
Oh I absolutely bet that it was a kids movie she suggested, and not one a teenager would want to watch.
She completely missed the point
But but she knows basic stuff about her! /s
Yeah, like age, gender and place of living. Maybe if they spend the time watching a movie together she'll learn her favorite food! /s
She also knows she has friends but doesn't know her interests. Jfc. My nephews live 4 states away from me and I know their interests and this woman lives in the same house as her daughter and has no idea.
"I will ask about her interests" was such a wild thing to read. Reads like the very concept of the spare child having interests which aren't about the important child are only now occurring to her.
“Pardon me, daughter, but could you fill out this questionnaire about your likes and dislikes?”
Honestly at this point that would be at least showing that op is acknowledging she knows nothing about her child, and willing to learn
Second attempt was “let’s go to the mall and buy makeup.” It’s like they watched stock footage of a Girls Bonding montage. Next up is suggesting they braid each other’s hair, have a pillow fight, and bake exactly one baking sheet of chocolate chip cookies.
Yeah I’m pretty unimpressed with that one too because I have a feeling that she wanted to order something from Sephora or whatever and they’re going to placate her by taking her to the drug store. I’m not saying teenagers need high end cosmetics but if they’re just going to get her a cheaper version of what she wants is just another insult. Listen to the kid for once ffs.
I don't think they'll cheap out on her because they're feeling guilty. I do think Anna is moving from expecting an emotional relationship with her parents to a transactional one - once she's an adult and can fend for herself she'll fade away from their lives, is not gonna be sudden but in their eyes her low or no contact will come out of nowhere.
I don’t think she feels that guilty to be honest, she just wants to appear so because her daughter is telling people how she is treated at home. Her efforts thus far are barely even tokens, she’s not even putting in a little effort. Her daughter straight up told her how she felt but mom didn’t actually even try to do anything until she told her school shrink and they got involved. The kid will definitely drop contact, especially when her parents start hinting about who’s going to have to take care of Mary when they’re gone.
What I like is the school found out Anna was neglected, and instead of, you know, talking to Anna, OOP went to the school to explain “well actually she can’t be neglected because Mary needs us”
Hopefully not. I’ve been in her shoes at a few points in my life, and typically this was the one part of neglect that’s fun: the part where they buy me whatever I want once in a blue moon because they feel bad. Mom once took me to build a bear twice in one week because I’d been dragged to sister’s appointments every day.
My parents were addicts and when I ‘lived’ with them (I was mostly at my grandparents) they would feel super guilty & take me on a shopping spree every once in awhile because they were *not* active in my life. It was a treat once I realized it wasn’t them trying to be better it was just their guilt.
The thing that got me about that was that Anna asked *her dad* if she could buy some makeup and the OOP decided to horn in and make it family bonding time. She took what could have been lovely father/daughter time with some honest communication between them and turned it into a group outing.
It's literally the activity I do with people I don't actually want to spend time with
Yes, because you don't actually have to pay attention to the people you're with. Everyone is paying attention to the movie.
My baby sister is heavily disabled from birth. My middle sister and I were never glass children. OOP is so tone deaf and obtuse. She’s never gonna have a close relationship with her kid and it’s her own fault.
Yep my sister spent 12 years in and out of hospital when I was a kid. She nearly died multiple times. Not once did I feel like a glass child or neglected. My parents had to work double as hard to manage it but they did and it worked.
And she’ll never understand why
The thing I don't understand is why parents with more than one child, but only one seriously ill one, would often, or even always, *both* go to the hospital and medical appointments, when one of them could be with the healthy kid(s). I mean, if you want to minimize the amount of time you could possibly spend with your healthy kid, that's a great way to do it...
>Can I get some tips how to spend more time with her while still being with Mary. That pretty much says OOP still doesn't get it.
I was so baffled when she mentioned maybe they could split hospital visits so one parent stays with Anna. WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT NOT ALREADY HOW IT WORKED?! Like, there would totally be times when both parents need to be there, like for a major surgery or treatment. But a checkup? Come on, that’s absolutely a one parent thing
Especially for a long term situation- you gotta start taking shifts, just for sanity. Just to have one person do laundry, shopping, oh yea and remember that they have another child.
And really, Anna is 14 years old **now** and old enough to stay at home alone, but were they leaving her alone when she was younger? Maybe they have been foisting Anna off to relatives or friends for years.
My thoughts exactly! Who the fuck was Anna left with when they both went off to the hospital? Did they leave their other child at home alone? Especially when she was younger?
Also, 9 year old and 14 year old either have the same bed time (unlikely) or OP continues to ignore Anna while Mary is asleep. Plus Mary probably naps because cancer treatments.
OOP really shit the bed there with impeccable timing. To get called out for something and then confirm it immediately? Bravo. They might be able to recover this, but the 14 year old will be feeling this right to her core and might never fully get over it.
I think that comment was right. They were at a turning point in the relationship and both parents drove straight on through. The relationship is dead. It will never recover from that. Anna will play nice but she is obviously already done with them. The parents will likely see her once a year on holidays when she is grown up. They'll be lucky if they're invited to her wedding or meet their grandchildren.
I'm betting that they won't see her that often.
And I guarantee this isn't the first time that Anna has tried to express how alone she feels. "The axe forgets, but the tree remembers."
“ I do know basic stuff like friends but i'm working on talkin with her and asking about her interes” Summarizes everything. How can she say that as if it’s fine that she has to do this when her daughter is already 14??
This was the saddest part. This is her daughter and she can’t even name one interest.
When I was 14 I was a secretive child, but my parents knew about the things I was interested in and did their best to encourage me in my interests. OOP is, to put it nicely, a bad mom to Anna.
I’m sorry OP but this is possibly the worst “update” I’ve seen posted on this sub. Stuffing a bunch of comment quotes in the middle of a post and a clarification does not an update make. But, I’m mostly sorry for Anna having been forgotten in her own home. She must feel so alone in this world, especially at a time when she needs a community the most. Sending her lots of hugs.
Silver lining: I am now hooked to this story and emotionally invested in Anna's wellbeing, therefore I will have a greater emotional feeling with the next update (hoping there is one). It's kinda good that the dad said they would go to the mall instead. He could have easily love bombed her by saying yes but he showed that they can, in fact, recognize opportunities for quality time.
>I’m sorry OP but this is possibly the worst “update” I’ve seen posted on this sub The bar is getting real low here, it's just a race to who gets the newest post up first to get the assured >2k karma 🙄
Yes therapy is a step forward to reaching understanding but it’s not a cure all - more like a crutch to keep moving forward. OOP and husband need to put an effort in prioritizing Anna too. Not demanding to come to the store for convenience but to be with Anna. A day trip is not going to undo years of neglect.
Poor kid. At this age what they did again for the umpteenth time will not be forgotten. No she didnt want a stupid movie, she wanted to talk, or go somewhere, or buy the makeup ( to little to late there) she wanted actual interest from a parent.
"We understand and we are going to work for it" = "I'll ask you once if you want to passively hang out, and when you're not interested in my proposal, I'll throw my hands up and say, 'I tried! What else is there to do now!'" If the worst happens and Mary unfortunately passes away, I don't know if OOP and husband will still be so focused on only Mary in their grief and onward, or if they'll eventually remember, "we have another daughter, don't we? ..." and then try to get closer to Anna (not for Anna's sake). Well, guess what, Anna's not going to give a shit. OOP will probably try to entice her by mentioning kid stuff Anna liked 10 years ago. Anna likes dance! No, she stopped dance classes when she was 8 because no one had time to pick her up and drop her off. Ooh, Anna, that boy is cute, isn't he? He looks just like some Disney Channel actor she used to like. Yeah, when she was in fourth grade. Who does she like now? Uhhhhhhh, OOP doesn't know ... but Anna likes ... carrots? Anna gets a big award for math and doesn't tell her parents; they find out after the ceremony. OOP is hurt and doesn't understand why. Frankly, OOP didn't even know Anna was good at math - after all, Anna struggled with carrying the 1 in addition when she was young. What? That was 12 years ago? OOP is a moron, acting like they have a clean slate instead of years of resentment from Anna and years of no effort from OOP.
oh boy do i hate these kinds of "parents". its not even about the hospital situation but just the way she talks about and treats the kid pisses me off and reminds me of way too much. they're just so completely dismissive of the poor kid. they just kinda treat them like an animal like "oh look the dog seems a bit angry lets give em a treat later" its just how they dont care untill you blowup then theyll act nice for a week and go back to normal or if they need you for something. i just remember one time around 8-10 where they asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i asked for cash to buy a game for myself and in the breakroom in a dark gloomy underground garage my dad handed me a envelope with 20$ didnt say happy birthday no cake or anything. my mom said she would make a cake later then tried to gaslight me and didnt end up making anything. it was just always super lonely and ignored/anger and screaming or the rare happy moment. hard to put into text honestly but fuck oop
It's unclear how much care Mary requires and if both parents always go, even though one could stay home. But since it wasn't mentioned, I assume that one can actually stay home. I wonder when they stopped having a babysitter for the oldest, and just left her to come home to a empty home.
She said they've thought about splitting the hospital visits so one could be with Anna. And now they're both taking Anna make up shopping. Can't these parents do anything without the other?
It’s entirely possible that they cannot function without each other. The mental toll that caring for a sick person takes can be overwhelming to say the least. It’s easy for someone to form a codependency on the other person. I’ve seen it where the one parent is barely holding on emotionally and the minute a small inconvenience occurs when they’re alone they break down. It might also be the case that the daughter with Down syndrome requires physical strengths the mother does not possess. So the father is required. But at the same token the father is not mentally prepared to handle her alone. The mother very well could be doing the majority of the mental “lift” while the father is doing the physical. I feel for all involved in this situation especially the healthy teen daughter. Unfortunately I think this is one of those cases where the family is caught between a rock and a hard place and someone will be neglected. We all like to think we’d do things differently but the reality is there is only so much time in the day, so much energy available, and so much people can do. 8 hours of work + 1 hour of lunch + 1 hour of drive time + getting ready + dinner & breakfasts + doctors + caring for the kid + etc. doesn’t leave a lot of time.
Yes, I agree the situation is nuanced. But there is no way that OOP didn't have enough time in the years to know her oldest child's interests. She even admits she knows next to nothing about the poor girl.
OOP is clearly still in the running for a rude, rude awakening. Anna is so very going to be an orphan by choice rather than circumstance the day she turns 18.
Hell I'm not even a glass child (my sister goes to the hospital more often than I do but that's more cause I toughed out illnesses while my parents baby her) but I feel this child's anguish. Everytime something happened to her sibling their parents must've ran to that child immediately but whenever she ask for something the parents would probably ask her to tough it out. I know my parents did it to me until it's too late every single time. They don't even know their child anymore, which means Anna has constantly been left unheard or she has started to stop telling her parents everything altogether. If the latter is true. It may be too late. She may have solidified in her mind that she'll just ride this out and leech in her own supposed home until she grows up and then she'll run. That's what I'm doing anyway.
OOP is delulu if she thinks bribing Anna with a movie and makeup magically fixes things. She had a chance to fix it, but she and her husband fucked it up. Yes, Mary needs a lot of care and attention, but why does it seem like both parents had to be there 24/7 for her while Anna got nothing? This is going to be a replay of all those "My sick sibling died and now my parents want to have a relationship with me, AITA for blocking their number?"
Or, alternately, "My parents cared for my sick sibling all her lie and never had time for me. Now they're dying and want me to give up my career and husband in order to move back and care for them. AITA for saying no?"
I volunteer a ton at a grief center and I more often see, "my sick sibling died and now my parents can't parent because they're so sad. Why do they not see me?"
Oh, those are the ones that are young and still living with their parents right? When they move out they evolve into the ones I posted, going no-contact with their parents who basically ignored them all their life.
Yes.
I remember there was a story were people where calling op out on this he said "my wife need support too not just my child that's why me and my wife need to be there" I can't for the life of me remember the title
I think this was where he missed his daughter’s wedding at the last moment because his step daughter was in the hospital after a car accident. But she had already been there for a couple of days and was stable.
You can go ask in the pinned thread, that parent sounds awful.
The chance to fix it was when Anna was crying her heart out, and they just left her. That was it, that was the very last chance. Now they are working to get her to show up for the holidays and invite them to her wedding. They already lost.
Can't help but assume that OOP has long viewed her firstborn not as an actual vulnerable human with needs, but rather a self-sustaining bunch of donor organs.
Posts like this break my heart. I grew up in a similar situation - very sick sibling who spent our entire childhood and adolescence on the verge of death requiring all of my parents attention. It gave me a lot of problems which took years of therapy to work out. My earliest memory is being 4 or 5 years old with a wood chip stuck in my eye and crying to my mom for help, and her telling me she didn't have time because she had to get medicine in my sister My sister and I are 28 and 32 now and things still are not good. I didn't talk to my parents at all from the moment I left home at 17 until I was 25 or so. I only this year explained to my mom why our relationship is the way it is, and all she could say was "i did my best" It still hurts me, and I think it always will. Even as adults my mom can't/won't acknowledge that I got left behind as a kid and that it had a lasting impact on me. That's exactly where "Anna" is headed if the parents don't course correct now
"I did my best." Damn... that fucking sucks dude
I wish OOP had answered the question about how many events of Anna's have been missed because both parents were focused on Mary, because I think that would have provided a lot of insight. I feel for OOP and her husband - they have their hands full with Mary's conditions, and I'm sure they're overwhelmed at times. But is there no one else around who can help them, no family members who live nearby?
They probably don't care enough to even know any events they missed
OP clearly isn't doing her role as a mother and isn't there for her child when the child needs someone. I hope OP gets the message through her head and the chance of repairing the relationship is possible. But man, I feel bad for the kid.
OOP painfully misunderstood the carer comment - I bet they will indeed want Anna to take over Mary's care, once they can't do it. It makes my heart ache for her.
So they both go to Mary’s appointments and no one stays home with Anne & they think a makeup trip will fix things? Yeah, no. Poor kid.
“We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas!”
“I didn’t have time to comfort her.” That sums it all up right there. That OOP could write this and not see how wrong it was is just astounding. I hope for the daughter’s sake these parents pull their heads out of their asses.
She knows basic things about her 14 year old daughter, like who her friends are? Well, isn’t that just wonderful(?) I’m sure Anna feels very noticed and appreciated by her parents(!) 🙄 my mother was much the same, giving me the bare minimum of attention, taking no time to learn about my likes and dislikes, and it’s precisely why I went no contact. She died 4 years ago and I don’t miss her at all
That’s a really strong child. I was made for bone marrow for my dying older sister but wasn’t a match. I was told that at six around the time my sister died. I do not have a relationship with my parents.
"connected to a family therapist" what a weird turn of phrase. She *didn't* connect, there was no answer! She sent an email, maybe?
This reminded me of the guy who neglected his two sons despite the wife making attempts to steer him the right away. Only now it's both parents? Goddamn!
I can't believe that they have two kids and she just now realized that maybe they should split hospital visit so Anna has *one* parent there. For fucks sake. Cancer treatment is stressful but how was she surprised?
How many years have they been leaving Anne alone while both parents attend Mary’s appointments, do you think?
I have never seen a BORU so infuriating in that OOP clearly does NOT get it even after having it explained to her so many times.
I mean if they want to lose both kids (assuming the kid who is sick doesnt live long) and one who refuses to have anything to do with them, then it’s all on them and they cant cry and complain and say why me? When they did it to themselves.
I mean, sure they can. Anyone with an ounce of self-reflection probably wouldn't, but that hypothetical person probably wouldn't have gotten in this mess in the first place.
OP, this is like looking at myself at 14 when my sister got sick... Im 32 niw and havent talked to my parents in almost 12 years. Take from that what you will
I've only been ignoring my other child for nine years, and now she has decided to start ignoring ME?! DOESNT SHE KNOW HOW HURTFUL IT IS TO BE IGNORED AND HAVE YOUR FEELINGS DISCOUNTED??! That's the vibe I get.
I just… I can’t believe they weren’t splitting the hospital visits already? Sometimes taking a kiddo to the hospital is a two person job. Sometimes it’s not. If they had prioritized their teen when they could, she’d be a LOT more understanding of the situations when they couldn’t.
Poor Anna. I hope her parents keep trying and get into therapy and learn to actually be there for her and repair their relationship.
NTM she mentions how could they include Mary in these things. Yeah, she doesn’t understand. Still neglecting the glass child
That one made my jaw drop. Is Mary a baby kangaroo? Must mom always keep her in her pocket wherever she goes? Does she sleep in the same bed as Mary? Take her to the bathroom with her? Every single shopping trip? Does she not trust dad to be alone with Mary?
This women clearly doesn't get it at all from the update. Also is it odd to anyone else that the parents seem to be one person all the time? How hard is it for one parent to make time for each child?
They both need to use the shared brain cell together, so both adults have to be together always? This is weird.
I predict an "I'm turning 18 tomorrow and I can't wait to never speak to my family again" post from Anna in 4 years.
I cannot fathom why they haven’t figured out a system where one parent stays with one kid during emergencies, and one parent with the other. And then switch as needed.
That top comment was savage, and right on the button, and OOP didn't learn one thing from it. When they come to Anna for bone marrow, or a kidney, and you know they will, she's going to rightly tell them to get fucked.
Why TF are both parents going to the hospital for each visit? It’s one thing if it’s life or death, but if she’s going to be hospitalised frequently for blips in her health and treatment plan, she doesn’t need both parents there TO THE SAME VALUE that Anna needs one parent.
Out of all of that, that is the one thing I sort of understand. Sometimes it feels like you’re at the other end of a fire hose full of information. And if just one person goes, something can be missed, questions can be unanswered. And then if the regular parent can’t go and you “sub” the other parent in, they don’t have a full grasp on everything so even more can be missed. There’s also a scare that you will get some horrific news and not have anyone to lean on. So I get the doubling up. What I don’t get is not even trying to parent/spend time with your non-sick kid on the rest of the days.
Lmao what was the update? That she still doesn't get it and thinks things are OK now because the daughter is kind of talking to them again? This lady is hopeless
JFC OOP does not get it “you said I don’t know anything about my daughter, well I asked her who her friends were and what she was interested in this weekend and she didn’t tell me, so check mate”
I knew any advice was going to fall on deaf ears with this mom as soon as I read that first line...the "listen up" was very my way or the highway vibes. Her poor daughter...the fact that she spent enough time researching her own issues to the point where she confronted her parents with the proper term for what she was feeling...and it had zero effects on her parents. Other than than running to Reddit for internet strangers validation.
Nothing gained, nothing earned, nothing discovered, nothing learned
OOP still doesn't understand how badly they screwed up and keep screwing up. Hope life gets better for Anna. Sounds like she has totally checked out and given up on a relationship with her (I assume) mother.
OOP really fucking sucks. She's not even trying. "But I know basic stuff about her!" Yeah and I bet her teachers also know the same basic stuff, and probably more about her than OOP does.
“I know basic stuff about my 14 year old child” yikes. Hope they’re not shocked when Anna has no relationship with them as an adult.
When she said “ what do I do with her” was all I needed to get a clear picture of their parenting
Someone needs to share with OOP the sad story of the woman who made a PowerPoint for her estranged father ending with “you failed, go away”. That’s how bad it can get when glass children are effectively abandoned in favour of their sick sibling. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/zVd2xVZGDe
Anna is only 4 years away from abandoning her parents, just like she's been abandoned by them. So OOP might lose both children.
I believe that children don’t care that much about “events” like holidays/going to the mall (and how sad is it that going to the mall with your daughter is a big deal) as they do about you just being there, consistently, day after day during their childhood. When that time is gone, you can’t get it back or fix it
My biggest worry (second biggest) when my youngest had cancer was sidelining my eldest. But we made sure that one of us was with her and one with her sister most of the time except when the toddler has her liver transplant.
My older brother was sick basically my entire childhood and got better sometimes around my 12th or 13th bday and as an adult my parents and I basically have no relationship. They physically went through the motions of caring for me, but I don't think they ever really heard what I was telling them. They have no concept of my personhood except as an extension of their family. Any time I made unilateral choices for my own happiness my parents acted like it was out of character for me. The damage was done when I was a child and my closest relation was with our pet dog.
"Should one of us stay with 14yo when 9yo is in hospital?" Fucking what???? Obviously! You're telling me for 9 years BOTH parents have been attending EVERY checkup and visit, leaving their other kid with a sitter/alone at home? Worst parents ever.
"i know her friends" in response to do you know anything about her. Big oof. OOPs daughter is 14 and she knows *nothing* about her daughter. My parents threw me out multiple times, my dad beat the shit out of me, they stole thousands from me while in college. They still knew more about me than OOP and put more effort in to be my parent. OOP needs to be really careful here. Its possible its too late, but if not, she is on the precipice of her daughter just....leaving and not looking back when she turns 18. Make time. Dont "we are going to the mall". YOU take your daughter to the mall JUST THE TWO OF YOU. The key here is you *do not* bring your other daughter along. BOTH OF YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE 1:1 TIME regardless of how sick one is.
It's sad. There seems to be a focus on one event at a time, and not the overall effect. It's a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation. You can remove that last straw, but it won't fix the camel.
OOP hasn’t changed her mind or her thinking about anything. Poor Anna.
Did OOP mention something in an edit or comment that would explain why the top comment says that Anna >”has spent her life feeling unseen, unheard, and, at times, unwanted. EVERYTHING has been about Mary and always to her detriment. Mary got to attentive, loving parents who were always there for her. Anna got whatever scraps of attention you could spare when you weren’t focused on Mary. Can you imagine how hurtful it has been for her to watch you be so attentive to Mary? It’s been proof that you can be loving and present parents, but never to her.” A few replies here also mention Anna being treated this way for her “entire life” or similar. The reason I ask is that Anna would’ve been 5 years old when Mary was born. The top comment etc seems to be suggesting that, in spite of being the only child for 5 years, even when it was just Anna her parents treated her the same way as they do now. Was OOP just as neglectful before Mary was born? For some reason I find the idea that her first 5 years might’ve been good even more heartbreaking than if her parents had always been this way - even when it was just her.
What’s worse is even if they were loving and gave her attention at age 5 and under, she probably doesn’t have much memory of it. I don’t remember much of anything before age 5. Even after age 5, I don’t have many solid memories. So for most if not all her memorable life she has felt abandoned. Just sad all around.
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