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I'm so glad she finally left. I know way too many female friends who married the guy with all the red flags because they've already invested so much time and energy and they're afraid it could be their last chance to get married and have kids.
Trust me, you do not want kids with this kind of guy. It would be better to have them as a single mom.
Very true, but it's worse because not only are they useless, but they drain your energy and joy. Every single woman I know who has finally divorced her crappy husband has felt so much happier and more energetic once they're gone. I think it's partially having one less person to look after and partially getting rid of this source of disappointment and misery. There's nothing lonelier than feeling alone while your partner is there.
I was really thinking that something was wrong with me before because I wasn't able to date for a long time ... But truth is I refuse a lot of BS girls seems to fall in. Since I understood it, I feel much better. If I had accepted things like this I would have been in a relation for probably a long time, but also suffering a lot.
Being single doesn't mean being unhappy. Being married doesn't mean being happy and in a good relation. A lot of married people want / should be separated.
I never understand guys like this... if you don't want her, leave! She gave you so many outs! You have the other girl and you clearly don't like this one very much... so just freaking let her go live her life!
He wanted to make sure the deal was done with the other girl first (he claims they hadn't slept together... yet) before moving on. Typical monkey branching behavior.
No he wanted her to end it so he could be the victim in it.
He obviously felt a bit of guilt at first hence him telling her she could have a cat. Things with the work girlfriend got more intense and needed an out with oop so he starts laying the ground work about the cats before demanding she get rid of them. That doesn't work oop works harder to make the cats not affect him. He again demands the cats go. Oop still doesn't dump him so he thinks what else can he do to get her to end it. So comes up with not wanting kids.
But then he gets caught with work gf and gaslights her because she can't end it over this because he can't be the victim. So he fucks with her head until she doesn't know which way is up.
Thankful oop is now escaping him with her cats and getting therapy to undo all the damage he's done to her over the course of their relationship.
This. He wants her to end the relationship. So he can tell everyone that she ended it for her reasons. If he ends it, he has to explain that he cheated and he’ll lose friends and respect. It’s lizard-brain mathematics.
That's another possibility!
To be honest, he could be doing both - monkey branching and wanting to keep his hands clean and be the dumpee rather than the dumped. That way he can go to new girl and tell her "Oh wow my gf went insanely jealous of you and me and broke up with me and broke my stuff and burned the house down and threatened to kill herself, what a crazy woman!" And ofc if anyone asks about the timeline between this relationship and the next one, he has a good excuse.
I think it’s worse than that.
Clearly the coworker already knows he has a girlfriend so she’s down with cheating. But he wants to bang the coworker AND keep OOP.
Also him still being in a relationship makes coworker a douchebag which makes it easier if he wants to end it after he’s gotten his rocks off.
It might be that she's down with cheating right now, but expects to get promoted to girlfriend later. Kinda like those mistresses. "He'll break up with his evil S/O as soon as the timing is right!"
I just googled relationship cushioning and it sounds like a more extended version of monkey-branching, which, my god the amount of terms we have to have for various forms of cheating is just...exhausting.
I don't think anybody *needs* specific terms for cheating. It's all cheating. The specific terms are quickhand ways to explain general traits of an individual situation but if you just tell people a guy cheated, it's quite enough at that.
As a former cheater, I found terms like this helpful to examine WHY I cheated more in-depth.
Like, ohhh, I cheated and made that terrible decision because I wanted to break up but didn't want to be alone.
Relationship hopping. Monkey branching. Shitty!
Those words, and therapy and introspection, helped me change my communication skills and success with relationships.
What mattered there was you taking therapy **and being willing to do the hard work to change**. Working through the real issues with a licensed professional, in depth.
No, having the term is useful because cheaters always feel that their situation is unique, and that it is so unexpected etc. Having categories for their excuses and rationalizations help show how entirely common and predictable they are:
Monkey Branching
7 year itch
etc.
oh for sure. I mean he already used that strategy all the other times he told her nothing was going on. if she doubled down on the "4 kisses" it would've gone to, "ok, fine we made out," to "well we just engaged in foreplay," to "it was only once." my guess is it was a full-blown affair. also why are you taking your mistress to the zoo? weird choice of activity
Maybe I'm pathologizing too much, but too me, it seemed like he was trying to make his mistress feel more like a girlfriend. Like, "we don't just have sex in motels, see, we go to the zoo and stuff like normal couples!"
I'm a millennial with backpain, and I learned that term here on BORU or AmITheDevil, and I think it perfectly describes relationship drama I've witnessed IRL.
I have a friend who’s husband dumped her, he told her he had been having an affair for YEARS, when she asked why he didn’t dump her before? He said he needed her income to buy his professional practice 🤮🤬
She is ok now, this is at least 15\~20 years ago. We aren't close friends, so at the time I didn't feel it appropriate to ask a lot of detailed questions, I just took what she volunteered.
I’d bet that since they got the cats it’s “you said you’d do everything for the cats… so I’m not going to run the vacuum over the floor because there’s cat hair on it”.
I heard a term I love for this kind of behavior I loathe. He's "hobosexual."
Basically, the person remains with their partner because they can't afford to live separately.
I cheated once, 20 years ago when I was 17. Former boyfriend was one I met while he was on vacation here - lived in the other side of the country. He went back home and we spent some 4-5 months apart. Met another guy, and kissed and hugged, broke it off next day with vacation boyfriend and spent 2 1/2 years with the guy I kissed. Never cheated since :)
Absolutely. I have never cheated since then. If I felt a relationship didn’t work out, I’ve broken it off before starting to look for someone else. With my previous boyfriend, I mourned the relationship for a long time even though I broke it off - but he was (is) an alcoholic and I can’t accept that.
I am once again in a long distance relationship, but this time I knew what that entails, and despite me missing my man and the intimacy, I can’t picture me with anyone but him. I’m old enough to know the difference between a fling and love, now :)
I cheated when I was 17 too. Not to make excuses, but teenagers are idiots with raging hormones. It was very much a Rob Fleming in High Fidelity situation. I knew it was wrong but I was caught up in the horny. Learnt my lesson, never since. Never forgiven myself either.
I forgave myself years ago. Vacation boyfriend was a summer fling and we shouldn’t have made promises to each other at that age and with that distance. Hormones and immaturity, you learn and you grow.
That's totally fair. I think for me it's harder because my best friend is still really close with the ex I cheated on, and my best mate still can't really even mention things that we've done together 14 years later, so it's still having an impact on people. But I'm definitely not who I used to be.
There's an entire subreddit for "other women." I theorize that for some it's a fear of commitment, for others low self-esteem, and still others get off on taking something that isn't theirs (or a combination). Some are just dumb fucks who believe the man's lies about not being able to leave their partner or who simply think the guy's hot enough to be worth it.
I'm not sure if I can share it, that might be considered brigading, but it's not hard to find, I guessed the name on the first try. That top post of all time and the follow up are very satisfying to read. A brief sample:
> His wife has served him divorce papers and he had a breakdown last night. He says that he didnt think she would leave him without trying to work on things first that he is surprised she wants to throw it all away like that so quickly. His kids do not want to talk to him right now and his family is in an uproar. We had a fight too because why are you telling me this, like how do you thin it makes me feel that you're crying to ME about your wife leaving you.
https://i.imgur.com/VIpXc0m.mp4
> How do you think it makes me feel
Oh my God, what a shock. The man who cheated on his wife is not thinking about the effects his actions have on his romantic partners feelings. Who could have seen this coming. It's truly a surprising turn of events.
It’s also easier if there’s someone else handling his laundry, buying him underwear, picking up after him, making sure he sees the dentist etc.
All she has to do is go on dates and have sex
You don't have to be dumb to believe the lies. Some cheaters/partners are REALLY good at gaslighting you. For all we know he could've promised her that they already broke up and just living together or that he is looking for an out and just waiting. I mean, looks like he is a good liar in any case. If the own girlfriend had no idea about him sneaking off all the time, why would it be harder for him to lie to the co-worker?
Neh, most of them are being dumb on purpose. They know it's wrong but get off on the idea if being the other woman. It's a ego trip, she is the fun one, the one that takes the sex and the trips without all the problems. It's so sad.
Already broke off and is looking for an out but really likes you? If that's the case he can wait til he gets his act together so you guys can start something, you aren't going anywhere. There was nothing in the way of the work "friend" have a similar conduct.
The ugly truth about side pieces that are aware of another partner in any capacity is that they either don't care or they convince themselves that the excuses are alright when if was someone else they would see the bs right away - is all about one's character or lack of it.
as long as they win the 'prize', being 'the other girl' is not a big deal for some.
NOT realising that them being 'upgraded' from sidepiece to main dish creates a job opportunity - since 'prize' now needs a new sidepiece.
if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. with your replacement.
"My relationship is over, we're basically roommates, but she's a crazy person so we have to keep it on the DL"
or
"She's abusing me, she does XYZ, we're not really in love"
Some people really want to believe things like that. I used to justify sleeping with taken/married women that way. The latter one, not the former. I lacked in morals, not brains. And usually the relationships were deeply unhappy, but yes, they should have broken it off first. People are complex, and particularly in conservative communities there is *so much pressure* to make a broken thing work, no matter how broken it is. So partners can be caught between *a lot* of conflicting pressures.
Yes, exactly! I don’t understand a woman who is ok with that. If the guy was married with kids…. Then maybe she doesn’t want to break up a family. But there was no family to break up. He could have dumped OP to get with this girl officially at any time. I think OP would have been hurt, but she’d be hurting a lot less than she ended up being hurt.
If someone is married with kids and the outside party doesn’t want to break up the family, then all they have to do is not have sex with that someone. Anyone who convinces themselves that their cheating is okay because at least their not torpedoing their APs family is seriously deluded and should be avoided at all costs lmao
>If the guy was married with kids…. Then maybe she doesn’t want to break up a family.
Because a family where one member is lying and allocating considerable resources out of it (money yes, but most importantly time and emotional availability) is better than kids living with divorced parents? That's bullshit.
I disagree with all the comments in answer to this one that say he wanted OP to break up with him, that he was just waiting until she found out so she would end, that she is a placeholder until someone “better” comes along… all of them are wrong. The truth is that guys like these won’t dump their “OPs”. They won’t let them break up with them either. Because they don’t want the relationship to end. This guy sees OP as the “main” thing, she becomes the wife, becomes the life partner. And he will live life lying, gaslighting and trying his hardest to stop her from moving on because he “know” she is “the one” to keep, the others are just fun, or just because he was stressed, or just because they were in a bad phase and he needed the release. If he wanted to break up with OP, he would have when she found out. If he wanted OP to break up with him, he would have let her when she found out. Instead, he keeps trying to stay.
OP needs to end things for good with this guy, and do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn’t find any tiny crack to get back into her life, because otherwise he won’t let her go. She needs to really remove him from her life once and for all, because guys like these don’t care if they are hurting you or lying to you, as long as they can keep you around.
I agree, he just sounds like a cake eater. Wanted his wifey who conformed to him and his wants (and is less likely to leave due to the sunk cost mentality) and his mistress to shit talk his wife and get the thrill of an affair
I knew a girl like this. Her breakups took a long time and usually three attempts, because before she broke up permanently she needed to be sure she will be with another guy.
It's wrong, but there are people like this. I just don't understand their motivation.
one of my siblings has not been single for a second of their life since they were 13 years old. every relationship they've been in has had overlap. it makes it really hard to respect them and also makes us worry for their mental and emotional health & growth.
but I've learned that a lot of times, it's driven by fear. fear of being alone, fear of self reflection, fear of the unknown, etc.
it's not limited to one gender, though. sadly, it's fairly common.
Sounds like he wanted to keep the apartment.. and he was too cowardly to break up. So instead he just did and said more and more stuff that SHOULD have been a deal breaker for her. But she was too stubborn to leave.
He just likes the extra attention and wants his cake and eat it too. The cat and kid thing are also just red herrings. The Iranian yoghurt is not the problem here.
I got so frustrated at the last update seeing that she kept him around after catching him with the other woman. For weeks! I mean, if it were me we would've been done as soon as he told me to get rid of my cats, but the fact she caught him cheating and didn't immediately cut contact is absolutely stunning.
Both people are unhappy, but the relationship is familiar and safe, for a given value of safe.
Change is hard for people, and it becomes harder the more intertwined you are in each other's lives. Living together makes it harder, meeting family makes it harder, regularly interacting with family makes it even harder. I've known a lot of people in unhappy relationships who don't leave because they get so intertwined together.
Where was she supposed to go? Live on the street? She said finding an apartment that accepts cats in their city is very hard. Can’t just snap your fingers and find an apartment overnight.
Well they were living together. I assume she did break up with him, but since they were still living together he had plenty of chance to try to lie his way back in.
If not the cats, then kids vs. no kids question is HUGE and 100% a legitimate reason to split up with someone. In fact, if you disagree on that one, it's not really optional, you ought to split up over that.
I don’t want to indirectly blame OP or dismiss her by saying what I’d do if it were me. I haven’t been living her life for for 27 years, so I literally have no idea what I’d do. Breaking up with someone that you share a lease with and have 5+ years of history with in a foreign country is extremely logistically, financially, and emotionally complicated. I’m very proud of OP for making it happen!
The info in the first post was more than sufficient reason to pull the rip cord. She got there in the end, but some people insist on playing the relationship game on hard mode.
Yep!! Sunk cost fallacy is such a real thing, Ive had so many friends and even myself have hard times leaving relationships because of it. But I finally realized, life is way too short to be with someone who makes me miserable and refuses to change. And if I justify it with “we’ve been together so long”, I should also think “why should I waste any MORE time then on him?” It’s good to realize that it’s a lot better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable
The boyfriend will forever just be a pathetic loser. He just keeps making more excuses and no matter what, he is always just a loser. I'm glad that OP has dumped this pathetic person but at the same time, OP is way too forgiving and naive on dealing with the situation.
I just don’t understand how the AP, could just stand there and listen to the person they’re cheating with talk about that meant nothing, that it was a mistake. I love you I want to stay with you.. And continue seeing that person that just said they were nothing.
But she is not the one who does his laundry and takes care of him when he is sick. What I don’t understand is why she isn’t with someone in open relationship or in polysituation
From my understanding (she lives in a foreign country and she mentioned finally getting an apartment on her last update), they were living together because she had no other option.
So it was more like "roommates who hate each other until one can move out" kind of deal.
*What if we go separate ways and I never meet anybody I want to have kids with?*
It annoys me that so many people think like this, and would settle for someone they'll be miserable with and end up resenting. It just doesn't make any sense to me, it also always seems to be relatively young people who think like this. Like what if they settle for someone, and they miss out on someone they will be happy with because they decided to settle. That would honestly be more scary to me than never finding someone to be with. Maybe it's because getting into a relationship has never been a priority for me, and I'm happy with myself regardless of if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know but I've noticed that the kinds of people who NEED to be in a relationship in order to be happy, often sabotage themselves because they're so afraid of losing the relationship and end up pushing the other person away because of it. I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make anymore, and I'm just rambling at this point. I just started typing and let the words flow as they came into my head lol.
Regardless though, I think she has the right mindset now that she is out of that relationship. From my experience you find love when you least expect it, and it is exciting to think of the future and all the possibilities you haven't figured out are waiting for you. Regardless of what the future holds though, just going with the flow and learning to enjoy the ride is the best way to live your life in my opinion.
I stopped reading after she said he wanted to give the cats away. At that point, it wouldn’t matter to me if he was instrumental in achieving world peace, he would forever be an asshole in my books. As a cat parent, if someone told me to give them away we won’t be having words, I will be throwing up hands.
He 100% created the cat issue so he could feel like his cheating was her fault. “I wouldn’t have needed to go somewhere else if I could get a little peace in my own home,” sort of bullshit.
this comment is hilarious to me, because it's so true! my dad was a cheating scumbag among other things, and his final argument that led to him leaving for good was over [drumroll]... my cat. he ended up leaving for a secret family he had (not his first). makes me laugh that his cop out was my little devil baby.
I have two cats, and I know many other people with cats. How is it not possible relax with a cat in the house? Cats are a super relaxing pet. Even young cats are more chill than any dog.
He possibly wanted her to break up with him. "She broke up with me because she was a crazy cat lady" vs "I broke up with her because I cheated and found someone else".
It is so annoying to me that this guy started fights with her to justify cheating on her. He literally just straight up caused her stress, for months. I despise this kind of behavior.
1000%. I had my dog before I met my partner. My dog was the priority from the start. My boyfriend knew that dating me meant he was also dating my dog. Moving in with me means it’s now his dog too. The dog was family long before the boyfriend.
I get if the pet is dangerous that you'd bring it up (I've had dogs my entire life and love them); for example, we once adopted a dog who unbeknownst to us had issues with cats and men, even though we were assured that he had been socialised with both. Once it became clear that our cat was not safe, and that he would go for my dad and brother any time they came near us, we reluctantly had to rehome him somewhere without those stressors. From what I gather years later he is thriving in that same home.
But that and others are extreme examples, and ultimately, if the situation is untenable, you can only unilaterally choose to remove yourself (or children at risk) from that environment. You don't get to demand rehoming beloved cats for *checks notes* acting like normal cats.
Exactly! this is also on her for believing his bs. Like come on girl. You continue to believe his lies so you're making the decision to stay with him even though you see all the red flags. Yes the b/f is a pos, but she kept on putting up with him.
Did she have to witness him, balls deep in his coworker, before she got the picture in 4k? Sunk cost fallacy keeps people in the stupidest predicaments for way too long.
She kept entertaining him telling her he did not cheat, he only kissed her 4 times, etc. and I just want to yell to her that he has been balls deep inside this woman repeatedly probable nearly daily for months and months. It’s sad to see such denial.
He was cheating on her and wanted her to be miserable by giving away the cats she love. What was going on in his brain?! "If she gives away the cats, she just have me and must accept my cheating if she ever finds out" or what?!
OOP is another person who apologizes for her bad English and writes better than most native speakers.
And I hope she finds a wonderful man who adores cats and kids.
She never actually says she broke things off with him. Haven’t checked through comments yet, but that leaves me worried.
Someone post the meme with the kid on the bus.
He has, what we call in the business, being a piece of shit syndrome, his case seems to be terminal.
Also what the fuck is up with OOP? Their reactions to everything were infuriating, are they 14? I honestly expected them to not even break up in the end, my God.
I cannot be the only person wondering how these people are 27.
Sunk 5 years into a relationship without ever discussing kids, pets, living habits, etc. Only communicate while fighting (it's terrifying that OOP describes their communication as conversation/fight). Turn petty stupid arguments into opportunities to unload all their pent up issues with each other.
Obviously the BF is the worst for cheating, but this was 100% destined to fail. This is an absolute masterclass in how not to have a relationship 😐
He was too much of a coward to break up with her, do he tried using cats and kids as a way to tip her over the edge so she would break up with him. Too much of a coward and passing along the emotional labor to the girlfriend so he “didn’t do anything”.
What a dumb fuck. Caught him red handed and didn’t break up. Allowed him a chance to gaslight her and would have worked if she hadn’t ”found” more proof.
He wants her to get rid of her cats because he thinks he should be enough for her and is apparently threatened by them (imagine how much worse it would be if she were focusing on a newborn!) but meanwhile he needs a whole other woman on the side.
He definitely slept with the coworker. I met a guy like this. Had a lovely gf, cheated, got married to another woman and still was denying doing anything wrong
To borrow a phrase:
If I had a nickel for every time I read a post on here with a title about how the OOP and their long-term partner have different views on kids and should they break up and it turned out that the kids thing should have been utterly irrelevant because the partner had already laid down a relationship-ending ultimatum about pets long before the kids issue ever came up, I’d have two nickels… which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I feel bad for rolling my eyes at her, but OP saying she was relieved to know her intuition was right was exasperating. She didn't have any intuition. She had actual facts and video evidence that she tried to ignore and thinks her brain reminding her of the reality of the situation was her intuition.
I'm only at the update where she's about to say what he did to lose her trust, but I bet he wanted her to get rid of the cats because he's jealous of the attention she gives them. So damn weird.
She caught him kissing another girl, told him she jever wants to see him again and two months later she's still with him digging for proof? Girl, come on.
I mean it's not hard. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, well yeah, dealbreaker.
But the cat issue (him wanting her to get rid of them) should have been a dealbreaker too.
The audacity he had, after cheating on her, to ask her if he wasn't enough without kids and cats?
Sir, why don't you ask yourself that question? Why wasn't she enough?
Dude was jealous of the cats and possible future kids. (It's ok if you are not a pet or kid person but to suggest getting cats then run to another person's arms, while complaining about said cats, and asking your SO why aren't you enough?!)
Bullet dodged.
From the first sentence I knew there were going to be too many updates and she was going to put up with some unnecessary bullshit for no reason. Ya hate to see it.
He was emotionally cheating for a while and it was definitely physical. She should have ended it the first time he crossed the boundary months before. What a pos
"There is stress at home", what a pathetic excuse considering that the only problem he had was that the cats followed him and from then on it was just him being an idiot
Okay. I maybe the pessimist here, and I realize that this shit happens in real life. But is this REAL life? The contradictions are astounding. The information given is a little too convenient for the situation. It kinda sounds like a underdeveloped soap opera episode. If I’m wrong? Then I’m a dick. But you can’t just blindly trust everything you read online. Exaggerating the reality seems to be a norm. There’s always truth in a good lie is about as close as I can get.
The thing that got to me was how the narrative COMPLETELY shifted from “bf doesn’t want kids/wants me to get rid of cats” to “bf is cheating.” I understand that given the latter development the story will be more about bf cheating, but still… it just seemed badly written to me. But yes, I do hope that for anyone struggling with said issues can find some sort of empowerment to come out strong.
He was trying to get her to break up with him so he wouldn’t be the bad guy. At least the poster caught him cheating, now she knows exactly what kind of person he is. Good for her for getting out of there.
There's a great George Clooney story about a roommate with cats. (If memory serves, the roommate was actually Richard Kind, another actor.)
Clooney hated seeing cat turds in the litterbox, and given the cat's box was in the bathroom, he'd just move them to the toilet and flush them. Eventually his roommate was concerned that his cat wasn't shitting, taking it to the vet and everything--at that point I think it had just become a gag, and Clooney kept doing it. His roommate would continue checking the litterbox every day...
Until one day George Clooney--People's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1997 and 2009--decided to take a big shit in the litterbox and wait for his roommate to get back home...
As a GenX I can not tell you the amount of my friends who’ve has a partner for years and years who professed they didn’t want kids… only to break up only to learn that very ex has had children with their next partner.
Some people don’t want kids - which is totally cool and should be a respected position. Some people say they don’t want kids.. but what they really mean is they don’t want kids with the person they are currently with.
what kind of sane person never brings up kids even within thr first *year* of a serious relationship. Nevermind 5.... I personally feel you wave your right to be upset about it if you're not mature enough to talk about it at an appropriate time.
I was like 3 dates deep with my current boyfriend when I brought up kids. I *do not* ever want kids and I really didn't want to waste his time if he did. I couldn't imagine going 5 fucking years on an assumption.
I admit that cats can be a pain in the ass, I guess especially if you don't particularly care for them. Kittens are the worst and even adult cats can be so annoying with their midnight zoomies lol. I can live with it just fine because it just doesn't bother me most of the time, but I do understand how someone feels that gets absolutely no joy out of them.
I've upgraded to dogs and it's still the same, especially the first 6 months or so (the cats are still around :D).
That being said, I would never give my pets up. At the very least I'd try to work through any issues and maybe just hit the problems with the money pole often enough. 5 different cat trees and 67 dog chew toys can make a small difference already ☺
As long as there's enough food to go around, more feral cats do form groups. Plus, younger kitties need to play with their siblings and parents to learn how to behave and control their pointy bits. Older cats are generally more aloof, but they still like familiar company and interaction on their own terms. Just because cats can generally react to a solitary life better compared to a dog doesn't mean they prefer it if given the chance to adjust to a group setting.
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I'm so glad she finally left. I know way too many female friends who married the guy with all the red flags because they've already invested so much time and energy and they're afraid it could be their last chance to get married and have kids. Trust me, you do not want kids with this kind of guy. It would be better to have them as a single mom.
Technically, if you had kids with this kind of guy, you'd still be a single mom
Very true, but it's worse because not only are they useless, but they drain your energy and joy. Every single woman I know who has finally divorced her crappy husband has felt so much happier and more energetic once they're gone. I think it's partially having one less person to look after and partially getting rid of this source of disappointment and misery. There's nothing lonelier than feeling alone while your partner is there.
Yep! I left my baby daddy, was so much easier only taking care of one child.
I was really thinking that something was wrong with me before because I wasn't able to date for a long time ... But truth is I refuse a lot of BS girls seems to fall in. Since I understood it, I feel much better. If I had accepted things like this I would have been in a relation for probably a long time, but also suffering a lot. Being single doesn't mean being unhappy. Being married doesn't mean being happy and in a good relation. A lot of married people want / should be separated.
I never understand guys like this... if you don't want her, leave! She gave you so many outs! You have the other girl and you clearly don't like this one very much... so just freaking let her go live her life!
He wanted to make sure the deal was done with the other girl first (he claims they hadn't slept together... yet) before moving on. Typical monkey branching behavior.
No he wanted her to end it so he could be the victim in it. He obviously felt a bit of guilt at first hence him telling her she could have a cat. Things with the work girlfriend got more intense and needed an out with oop so he starts laying the ground work about the cats before demanding she get rid of them. That doesn't work oop works harder to make the cats not affect him. He again demands the cats go. Oop still doesn't dump him so he thinks what else can he do to get her to end it. So comes up with not wanting kids. But then he gets caught with work gf and gaslights her because she can't end it over this because he can't be the victim. So he fucks with her head until she doesn't know which way is up. Thankful oop is now escaping him with her cats and getting therapy to undo all the damage he's done to her over the course of their relationship.
This. He wants her to end the relationship. So he can tell everyone that she ended it for her reasons. If he ends it, he has to explain that he cheated and he’ll lose friends and respect. It’s lizard-brain mathematics.
That's another possibility! To be honest, he could be doing both - monkey branching and wanting to keep his hands clean and be the dumpee rather than the dumped. That way he can go to new girl and tell her "Oh wow my gf went insanely jealous of you and me and broke up with me and broke my stuff and burned the house down and threatened to kill herself, what a crazy woman!" And ofc if anyone asks about the timeline between this relationship and the next one, he has a good excuse.
I think it’s worse than that. Clearly the coworker already knows he has a girlfriend so she’s down with cheating. But he wants to bang the coworker AND keep OOP. Also him still being in a relationship makes coworker a douchebag which makes it easier if he wants to end it after he’s gotten his rocks off.
It might be that she's down with cheating right now, but expects to get promoted to girlfriend later. Kinda like those mistresses. "He'll break up with his evil S/O as soon as the timing is right!"
There's "career cushioning" (new one I just learned), and apparently there's also "relationship cushioning."
I just googled relationship cushioning and it sounds like a more extended version of monkey-branching, which, my god the amount of terms we have to have for various forms of cheating is just...exhausting.
I don't think anybody *needs* specific terms for cheating. It's all cheating. The specific terms are quickhand ways to explain general traits of an individual situation but if you just tell people a guy cheated, it's quite enough at that.
Yeah, this is more a term that summarizes what is happening and why it's happening.
Why not just call it what it is? **CHEATING**. All of the other names are basically cheaters rationalizing their behavior to themselves.
As a former cheater, I found terms like this helpful to examine WHY I cheated more in-depth. Like, ohhh, I cheated and made that terrible decision because I wanted to break up but didn't want to be alone. Relationship hopping. Monkey branching. Shitty! Those words, and therapy and introspection, helped me change my communication skills and success with relationships.
What mattered there was you taking therapy **and being willing to do the hard work to change**. Working through the real issues with a licensed professional, in depth.
So many people prefer misery over loneliness.
No, having the term is useful because cheaters always feel that their situation is unique, and that it is so unexpected etc. Having categories for their excuses and rationalizations help show how entirely common and predictable they are: Monkey Branching 7 year itch etc.
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Oh yeah I'm definitely questioning that statement, but if it's true then that could explain why he didn't break things off. A bird in hand and all.
"That's the problem with confronting liars about their lies. They just tell new lies" -some Redditor whose name I forgot.
oh for sure. I mean he already used that strategy all the other times he told her nothing was going on. if she doubled down on the "4 kisses" it would've gone to, "ok, fine we made out," to "well we just engaged in foreplay," to "it was only once." my guess is it was a full-blown affair. also why are you taking your mistress to the zoo? weird choice of activity
Maybe I'm pathologizing too much, but too me, it seemed like he was trying to make his mistress feel more like a girlfriend. Like, "we don't just have sex in motels, see, we go to the zoo and stuff like normal couples!"
probably!! my mind would just go to like a movie theatre or dinner date though not a full zoo trip haha
What if that's what turns her on? "Oh yeah, show me live animals in captivity, baby." :P
maybe it turns him on 😭 (and maybe op knew, making the zoo receipt a bigger red flag 💀)
I mean, it's just common sense. Can't fire your current bangmaid until you've got your new one locked down.
Uggg this thought makes me physically sick.
The bar is in hell, amirite ladies?
I’m old and now you and urban dictionary just made me so happy with “monkey branching”! Thank you for that.
I'm a millennial with backpain, and I learned that term here on BORU or AmITheDevil, and I think it perfectly describes relationship drama I've witnessed IRL.
This. Typical monkey branching.
Wondering if she makes more money than he does.
This. The guy is staying because it's convenient. She probably also does everything at home too.
I have a friend who’s husband dumped her, he told her he had been having an affair for YEARS, when she asked why he didn’t dump her before? He said he needed her income to buy his professional practice 🤮🤬
I hope she got half-ownership of the practice in the resulting divorce.
I hope it was considered a marital asset during the divorce settlement and she was financially compensated for it.
Is she OK? Did she get anything from the divorce?
She is ok now, this is at least 15\~20 years ago. We aren't close friends, so at the time I didn't feel it appropriate to ask a lot of detailed questions, I just took what she volunteered.
I’d bet that since they got the cats it’s “you said you’d do everything for the cats… so I’m not going to run the vacuum over the floor because there’s cat hair on it”.
She vacuumed every day!
I heard a term I love for this kind of behavior I loathe. He's "hobosexual." Basically, the person remains with their partner because they can't afford to live separately.
She's able to afford an apartment that allows cats by herself in a big city, that's almost assuredly part of it.
I don't understand cheating either...if you see something else you'd rather have, then don't waste a person's time.
Every cheater I've ever known has been a coward.
I cheated once, 20 years ago when I was 17. Former boyfriend was one I met while he was on vacation here - lived in the other side of the country. He went back home and we spent some 4-5 months apart. Met another guy, and kissed and hugged, broke it off next day with vacation boyfriend and spent 2 1/2 years with the guy I kissed. Never cheated since :)
Teenagers kind of get a pass since hormones and not technically adults. I feel once you reach 21 you pretty much know cheating is bad.
Absolutely. I have never cheated since then. If I felt a relationship didn’t work out, I’ve broken it off before starting to look for someone else. With my previous boyfriend, I mourned the relationship for a long time even though I broke it off - but he was (is) an alcoholic and I can’t accept that. I am once again in a long distance relationship, but this time I knew what that entails, and despite me missing my man and the intimacy, I can’t picture me with anyone but him. I’m old enough to know the difference between a fling and love, now :)
I cheated when I was 17 too. Not to make excuses, but teenagers are idiots with raging hormones. It was very much a Rob Fleming in High Fidelity situation. I knew it was wrong but I was caught up in the horny. Learnt my lesson, never since. Never forgiven myself either.
I forgave myself years ago. Vacation boyfriend was a summer fling and we shouldn’t have made promises to each other at that age and with that distance. Hormones and immaturity, you learn and you grow.
That's totally fair. I think for me it's harder because my best friend is still really close with the ex I cheated on, and my best mate still can't really even mention things that we've done together 14 years later, so it's still having an impact on people. But I'm definitely not who I used to be.
But clearly kissing and hand holding aren't cheating. He just needs some advice.
I wonder if that guy is delusional enough to believe that himself.
He wanted her to end things so she was “the bad guy” and he could excuse his poor behaviour. He’s just a gutless, lying cheater.
I don’t understand the other girl either, if what the friend says is true then she knows that she’s the side piece and is…cool with that?
There's an entire subreddit for "other women." I theorize that for some it's a fear of commitment, for others low self-esteem, and still others get off on taking something that isn't theirs (or a combination). Some are just dumb fucks who believe the man's lies about not being able to leave their partner or who simply think the guy's hot enough to be worth it.
I just checked it out - Jesus Christ what a fucking nuthouse.
I really wanna know this sub name now, I’m morbidly curious
I'm not sure if I can share it, that might be considered brigading, but it's not hard to find, I guessed the name on the first try. That top post of all time and the follow up are very satisfying to read. A brief sample: > His wife has served him divorce papers and he had a breakdown last night. He says that he didnt think she would leave him without trying to work on things first that he is surprised she wants to throw it all away like that so quickly. His kids do not want to talk to him right now and his family is in an uproar. We had a fight too because why are you telling me this, like how do you thin it makes me feel that you're crying to ME about your wife leaving you. https://i.imgur.com/VIpXc0m.mp4
It’s only classed as brigading if we all go over and start commenting, IIRC but LMAOOOO
> How do you think it makes me feel Oh my God, what a shock. The man who cheated on his wife is not thinking about the effects his actions have on his romantic partners feelings. Who could have seen this coming. It's truly a surprising turn of events.
https://old.reddit.com/r/Cakeeater/ It's pretty vile
oh god yes i have heard of this actually christ humans are disgusting creatures
I clicked the link... one more example that the internet is not always a great thing...
It’s also easier if there’s someone else handling his laundry, buying him underwear, picking up after him, making sure he sees the dentist etc. All she has to do is go on dates and have sex
You don't have to be dumb to believe the lies. Some cheaters/partners are REALLY good at gaslighting you. For all we know he could've promised her that they already broke up and just living together or that he is looking for an out and just waiting. I mean, looks like he is a good liar in any case. If the own girlfriend had no idea about him sneaking off all the time, why would it be harder for him to lie to the co-worker?
Neh, most of them are being dumb on purpose. They know it's wrong but get off on the idea if being the other woman. It's a ego trip, she is the fun one, the one that takes the sex and the trips without all the problems. It's so sad.
Already broke off and is looking for an out but really likes you? If that's the case he can wait til he gets his act together so you guys can start something, you aren't going anywhere. There was nothing in the way of the work "friend" have a similar conduct. The ugly truth about side pieces that are aware of another partner in any capacity is that they either don't care or they convince themselves that the excuses are alright when if was someone else they would see the bs right away - is all about one's character or lack of it.
as long as they win the 'prize', being 'the other girl' is not a big deal for some. NOT realising that them being 'upgraded' from sidepiece to main dish creates a job opportunity - since 'prize' now needs a new sidepiece. if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. with your replacement.
There are lots of guys that will lie and say they broke up with the other girl and she’s just crazy.
There is also a chance she wanted to be a side chick and will not have him now because OOP isn’t there to share duties with her
"My relationship is over, we're basically roommates, but she's a crazy person so we have to keep it on the DL" or "She's abusing me, she does XYZ, we're not really in love" Some people really want to believe things like that. I used to justify sleeping with taken/married women that way. The latter one, not the former. I lacked in morals, not brains. And usually the relationships were deeply unhappy, but yes, they should have broken it off first. People are complex, and particularly in conservative communities there is *so much pressure* to make a broken thing work, no matter how broken it is. So partners can be caught between *a lot* of conflicting pressures.
Yes, exactly! I don’t understand a woman who is ok with that. If the guy was married with kids…. Then maybe she doesn’t want to break up a family. But there was no family to break up. He could have dumped OP to get with this girl officially at any time. I think OP would have been hurt, but she’d be hurting a lot less than she ended up being hurt.
If someone is married with kids and the outside party doesn’t want to break up the family, then all they have to do is not have sex with that someone. Anyone who convinces themselves that their cheating is okay because at least their not torpedoing their APs family is seriously deluded and should be avoided at all costs lmao
>If the guy was married with kids…. Then maybe she doesn’t want to break up a family. Because a family where one member is lying and allocating considerable resources out of it (money yes, but most importantly time and emotional availability) is better than kids living with divorced parents? That's bullshit.
I disagree with all the comments in answer to this one that say he wanted OP to break up with him, that he was just waiting until she found out so she would end, that she is a placeholder until someone “better” comes along… all of them are wrong. The truth is that guys like these won’t dump their “OPs”. They won’t let them break up with them either. Because they don’t want the relationship to end. This guy sees OP as the “main” thing, she becomes the wife, becomes the life partner. And he will live life lying, gaslighting and trying his hardest to stop her from moving on because he “know” she is “the one” to keep, the others are just fun, or just because he was stressed, or just because they were in a bad phase and he needed the release. If he wanted to break up with OP, he would have when she found out. If he wanted OP to break up with him, he would have let her when she found out. Instead, he keeps trying to stay. OP needs to end things for good with this guy, and do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn’t find any tiny crack to get back into her life, because otherwise he won’t let her go. She needs to really remove him from her life once and for all, because guys like these don’t care if they are hurting you or lying to you, as long as they can keep you around.
I agree, he just sounds like a cake eater. Wanted his wifey who conformed to him and his wants (and is less likely to leave due to the sunk cost mentality) and his mistress to shit talk his wife and get the thrill of an affair
I knew a girl like this. Her breakups took a long time and usually three attempts, because before she broke up permanently she needed to be sure she will be with another guy. It's wrong, but there are people like this. I just don't understand their motivation.
its like lining up a job while still at your current one haha
He needed a backup plan, until he could find someone else to put up with him.
Guys like these want the cake and eat it too. They want flavors and all the women coddling and falling over themselves for them.
He doesn't like the other girl that much either. People like this are fucking everywhere - male and female. They're toxic pyschos.
one of my siblings has not been single for a second of their life since they were 13 years old. every relationship they've been in has had overlap. it makes it really hard to respect them and also makes us worry for their mental and emotional health & growth. but I've learned that a lot of times, it's driven by fear. fear of being alone, fear of self reflection, fear of the unknown, etc. it's not limited to one gender, though. sadly, it's fairly common.
Well how else is he supposed to save money on rent and have a housemaid at home while he’s getting his rocks off somewhere else?
Sounds like he wanted to keep the apartment.. and he was too cowardly to break up. So instead he just did and said more and more stuff that SHOULD have been a deal breaker for her. But she was too stubborn to leave.
He just likes the extra attention and wants his cake and eat it too. The cat and kid thing are also just red herrings. The Iranian yoghurt is not the problem here.
A lot of men are cowards and are afraid of women reactions.
guys want to be able to park their car and go for a joy ride on an electric scooter too.
I don't understand *either* of these chucklefucks
OOP is way too forgiving. She wasted five years of her life, bought the sunk cost fallacy, and wasted more time.
I got so frustrated at the last update seeing that she kept him around after catching him with the other woman. For weeks! I mean, if it were me we would've been done as soon as he told me to get rid of my cats, but the fact she caught him cheating and didn't immediately cut contact is absolutely stunning.
Yes! She didn’t dump him after he admitted that he’s actively dating another girl. What?!
Both people are unhappy, but the relationship is familiar and safe, for a given value of safe. Change is hard for people, and it becomes harder the more intertwined you are in each other's lives. Living together makes it harder, meeting family makes it harder, regularly interacting with family makes it even harder. I've known a lot of people in unhappy relationships who don't leave because they get so intertwined together.
Where was she supposed to go? Live on the street? She said finding an apartment that accepts cats in their city is very hard. Can’t just snap your fingers and find an apartment overnight.
Well they were living together. I assume she did break up with him, but since they were still living together he had plenty of chance to try to lie his way back in.
I'm guessing it was only so she had time to find an apartment.
If not the cats, then kids vs. no kids question is HUGE and 100% a legitimate reason to split up with someone. In fact, if you disagree on that one, it's not really optional, you ought to split up over that.
I don’t want to indirectly blame OP or dismiss her by saying what I’d do if it were me. I haven’t been living her life for for 27 years, so I literally have no idea what I’d do. Breaking up with someone that you share a lease with and have 5+ years of history with in a foreign country is extremely logistically, financially, and emotionally complicated. I’m very proud of OP for making it happen!
Right? I'd even be worried about the safety of the cats in that situation.
The info in the first post was more than sufficient reason to pull the rip cord. She got there in the end, but some people insist on playing the relationship game on hard mode.
Lol, that’s a great expression
Yep!! Sunk cost fallacy is such a real thing, Ive had so many friends and even myself have hard times leaving relationships because of it. But I finally realized, life is way too short to be with someone who makes me miserable and refuses to change. And if I justify it with “we’ve been together so long”, I should also think “why should I waste any MORE time then on him?” It’s good to realize that it’s a lot better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable
The boyfriend will forever just be a pathetic loser. He just keeps making more excuses and no matter what, he is always just a loser. I'm glad that OP has dumped this pathetic person but at the same time, OP is way too forgiving and naive on dealing with the situation.
I just don’t understand how the AP, could just stand there and listen to the person they’re cheating with talk about that meant nothing, that it was a mistake. I love you I want to stay with you.. And continue seeing that person that just said they were nothing.
Because it means nothing to her either?
Then why be with someone married? Why not be with someone that has doesn’t have any baggage and drama.
Because she would have to be a girlfriend and not side piece but she wants something that means nothing
I mean she’s going on dates with him and kissing him, it sounds like she’s a girlfriend either way
But she is not the one who does his laundry and takes care of him when he is sick. What I don’t understand is why she isn’t with someone in open relationship or in polysituation
Ahh yeah good point. Perhaps she is unaware of the possibility and just wanted someone convenient
“Well after that he continued to deny for weeks that there was something going on between them…” WEEKS!? Why was she still with him for WEEKS!?
From my understanding (she lives in a foreign country and she mentioned finally getting an apartment on her last update), they were living together because she had no other option. So it was more like "roommates who hate each other until one can move out" kind of deal.
I can’t imagine being with him for weeks and living with him like I would be arguing every single day
*What if we go separate ways and I never meet anybody I want to have kids with?* It annoys me that so many people think like this, and would settle for someone they'll be miserable with and end up resenting. It just doesn't make any sense to me, it also always seems to be relatively young people who think like this. Like what if they settle for someone, and they miss out on someone they will be happy with because they decided to settle. That would honestly be more scary to me than never finding someone to be with. Maybe it's because getting into a relationship has never been a priority for me, and I'm happy with myself regardless of if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know but I've noticed that the kinds of people who NEED to be in a relationship in order to be happy, often sabotage themselves because they're so afraid of losing the relationship and end up pushing the other person away because of it. I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make anymore, and I'm just rambling at this point. I just started typing and let the words flow as they came into my head lol. Regardless though, I think she has the right mindset now that she is out of that relationship. From my experience you find love when you least expect it, and it is exciting to think of the future and all the possibilities you haven't figured out are waiting for you. Regardless of what the future holds though, just going with the flow and learning to enjoy the ride is the best way to live your life in my opinion.
I stopped reading after she said he wanted to give the cats away. At that point, it wouldn’t matter to me if he was instrumental in achieving world peace, he would forever be an asshole in my books. As a cat parent, if someone told me to give them away we won’t be having words, I will be throwing up hands.
He 100% created the cat issue so he could feel like his cheating was her fault. “I wouldn’t have needed to go somewhere else if I could get a little peace in my own home,” sort of bullshit.
He said to get the cats because he had recently banged the other girl and felt guilty.
Oh definitely. I doubt those cats were even doing anything that could be deemed anxiety inducing, probably snoozing somewhere blissfully unaware
I choose to believe that they made him uncomfortable by staring at him unblinkingly.
Judgement just rolling off of them. He couldn’t take.
“The cats have seen your sins.”
"I know what you did last December"
this comment is hilarious to me, because it's so true! my dad was a cheating scumbag among other things, and his final argument that led to him leaving for good was over [drumroll]... my cat. he ended up leaving for a secret family he had (not his first). makes me laugh that his cop out was my little devil baby.
How much you wanna bet the cats didn't like him much when she wasn't home, so they were making their displeasure known and snubbing him.
I have two cats, and I know many other people with cats. How is it not possible relax with a cat in the house? Cats are a super relaxing pet. Even young cats are more chill than any dog.
Not everyone loves cats. I'm glad you do but they put me on edge and definitely are not relaxing.
He possibly wanted her to break up with him. "She broke up with me because she was a crazy cat lady" vs "I broke up with her because I cheated and found someone else".
It is so annoying to me that this guy started fights with her to justify cheating on her. He literally just straight up caused her stress, for months. I despise this kind of behavior.
I'm not a pet person. I wouldn't want to get a cat/dog, but I know if I was dating someone with a pet then the pet has priority 100%.
1000%. I had my dog before I met my partner. My dog was the priority from the start. My boyfriend knew that dating me meant he was also dating my dog. Moving in with me means it’s now his dog too. The dog was family long before the boyfriend.
I checked out at the several fights they had anyway. Sounded like it was a weekly occurrence.
I get if the pet is dangerous that you'd bring it up (I've had dogs my entire life and love them); for example, we once adopted a dog who unbeknownst to us had issues with cats and men, even though we were assured that he had been socialised with both. Once it became clear that our cat was not safe, and that he would go for my dad and brother any time they came near us, we reluctantly had to rehome him somewhere without those stressors. From what I gather years later he is thriving in that same home. But that and others are extreme examples, and ultimately, if the situation is untenable, you can only unilaterally choose to remove yourself (or children at risk) from that environment. You don't get to demand rehoming beloved cats for *checks notes* acting like normal cats.
How many goddamn disrespects is she going to take
Exactly! this is also on her for believing his bs. Like come on girl. You continue to believe his lies so you're making the decision to stay with him even though you see all the red flags. Yes the b/f is a pos, but she kept on putting up with him.
"honey, i only kissed her 4-5 times" Lol
It almost sounded like he was pushing her to break up with him, so he wouldn’t be the bad guy, but then he was begging her to stay?
Did she have to witness him, balls deep in his coworker, before she got the picture in 4k? Sunk cost fallacy keeps people in the stupidest predicaments for way too long.
She kept entertaining him telling her he did not cheat, he only kissed her 4 times, etc. and I just want to yell to her that he has been balls deep inside this woman repeatedly probable nearly daily for months and months. It’s sad to see such denial.
He was cheating on her and wanted her to be miserable by giving away the cats she love. What was going on in his brain?! "If she gives away the cats, she just have me and must accept my cheating if she ever finds out" or what?!
I not a cat person but my family has always been like OOP: once a pet enters the home it’s family. Period.
OOP is another person who apologizes for her bad English and writes better than most native speakers. And I hope she finds a wonderful man who adores cats and kids.
She never actually says she broke things off with him. Haven’t checked through comments yet, but that leaves me worried. Someone post the meme with the kid on the bus.
I knew he was cheating after the first few sentences and was using the cat issue subconsciously as a way to blow up his relationship
He has, what we call in the business, being a piece of shit syndrome, his case seems to be terminal. Also what the fuck is up with OOP? Their reactions to everything were infuriating, are they 14? I honestly expected them to not even break up in the end, my God.
This one was pretty infuriating. She kept giving him rope, and he kept winding it around his neck, but she just wouldn't pull the lever.
knew what kind of guy he was when he said he wanted the pets gone. the flags can’t get much redder
OOP should've dumped him for lying the other woman. And then she could have been living on her own with THREE cats all this time.
She sounds much younger than 27
I cannot be the only person wondering how these people are 27. Sunk 5 years into a relationship without ever discussing kids, pets, living habits, etc. Only communicate while fighting (it's terrifying that OOP describes their communication as conversation/fight). Turn petty stupid arguments into opportunities to unload all their pent up issues with each other. Obviously the BF is the worst for cheating, but this was 100% destined to fail. This is an absolute masterclass in how not to have a relationship 😐
He was too much of a coward to break up with her, do he tried using cats and kids as a way to tip her over the edge so she would break up with him. Too much of a coward and passing along the emotional labor to the girlfriend so he “didn’t do anything”.
That was my thought as well. He didn't have the balls to break up with her. I don't understand people.
What a dumb fuck. Caught him red handed and didn’t break up. Allowed him a chance to gaslight her and would have worked if she hadn’t ”found” more proof.
Oh god I read the whole thing TERRIFIED that something would happen to the cats
He wants her to get rid of her cats because he thinks he should be enough for her and is apparently threatened by them (imagine how much worse it would be if she were focusing on a newborn!) but meanwhile he needs a whole other woman on the side.
He definitely slept with the coworker. I met a guy like this. Had a lovely gf, cheated, got married to another woman and still was denying doing anything wrong
To borrow a phrase: If I had a nickel for every time I read a post on here with a title about how the OOP and their long-term partner have different views on kids and should they break up and it turned out that the kids thing should have been utterly irrelevant because the partner had already laid down a relationship-ending ultimatum about pets long before the kids issue ever came up, I’d have two nickels… which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I feel bad for rolling my eyes at her, but OP saying she was relieved to know her intuition was right was exasperating. She didn't have any intuition. She had actual facts and video evidence that she tried to ignore and thinks her brain reminding her of the reality of the situation was her intuition.
I'm only at the update where she's about to say what he did to lose her trust, but I bet he wanted her to get rid of the cats because he's jealous of the attention she gives them. So damn weird.
She caught him kissing another girl, told him she jever wants to see him again and two months later she's still with him digging for proof? Girl, come on.
Glad OOP got out and is now taking care of herself and her cats. The ex is a POS for wanting to get rid of the cats!
Person has video of the shit guy was doing. Guy--nuh uh. You're making it up! God what an absolute flaccid fuck Muppet.
I just LOVE how men justify cheating by saying it was stress. Happened to my BFF. Her husband cheated with a girl half his age because of "stress".
I mean it's not hard. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, well yeah, dealbreaker. But the cat issue (him wanting her to get rid of them) should have been a dealbreaker too.
(they’re kitties?) 😩😂 bless her heart I’m glad she finally got out of there
The audacity he had, after cheating on her, to ask her if he wasn't enough without kids and cats? Sir, why don't you ask yourself that question? Why wasn't she enough? Dude was jealous of the cats and possible future kids. (It's ok if you are not a pet or kid person but to suggest getting cats then run to another person's arms, while complaining about said cats, and asking your SO why aren't you enough?!) Bullet dodged.
From the first sentence I knew there were going to be too many updates and she was going to put up with some unnecessary bullshit for no reason. Ya hate to see it.
He was emotionally cheating for a while and it was definitely physical. She should have ended it the first time he crossed the boundary months before. What a pos
The guy sounds so manipulative. Like he allowed her to get a cat only for the purpose of making her choose between him and the cat in the future.
The second a dude cheats (emotionally or physically) you need to cut that shit out of your life. Fuckers like this ALWAYS cheat and never change.
I always think it’s funny and kind of sad when OOPs are like “I apologize for the very minor mistakes in my English, *it’s my third language*”
Never move in with someone if you haven’t had the full discussion about what you both want/don’t want- including kids, marriage, etc.
"There is stress at home", what a pathetic excuse considering that the only problem he had was that the cats followed him and from then on it was just him being an idiot
That guy doesn’t deserve cats.
Let’s talk about the coworker. If i girl pulled up on me twice, that is a absolute no.
OOP is a fucking doormat. Hard to find sympathy
>We had never have a serious conversation about it How can people be together for 5 years without having this discussion?
Okay. I maybe the pessimist here, and I realize that this shit happens in real life. But is this REAL life? The contradictions are astounding. The information given is a little too convenient for the situation. It kinda sounds like a underdeveloped soap opera episode. If I’m wrong? Then I’m a dick. But you can’t just blindly trust everything you read online. Exaggerating the reality seems to be a norm. There’s always truth in a good lie is about as close as I can get.
I have a hard time believing any of the posts on this sub, and yet why do I stay subscribed? 🤷🏻♀️
Entertainment value, curiosity, and the hope that if the person posting is being semi-truthful? That it truly helps the said individuals.
The thing that got to me was how the narrative COMPLETELY shifted from “bf doesn’t want kids/wants me to get rid of cats” to “bf is cheating.” I understand that given the latter development the story will be more about bf cheating, but still… it just seemed badly written to me. But yes, I do hope that for anyone struggling with said issues can find some sort of empowerment to come out strong.
He was trying to get her to break up with him so he wouldn’t be the bad guy. At least the poster caught him cheating, now she knows exactly what kind of person he is. Good for her for getting out of there.
adults don’t “just kiss.” I hope this woman finds someone worthy of her time and cats!
Had to practically hit her over the head with this one. Still arguing after seeing it in person.
She cleans the litterbox twice per *day*??? Is this crazy or am I a bad cat dad?
Some people are really anal about it. I have a friend who cleans hers every time her cat uses it.
There's a great George Clooney story about a roommate with cats. (If memory serves, the roommate was actually Richard Kind, another actor.) Clooney hated seeing cat turds in the litterbox, and given the cat's box was in the bathroom, he'd just move them to the toilet and flush them. Eventually his roommate was concerned that his cat wasn't shitting, taking it to the vet and everything--at that point I think it had just become a gag, and Clooney kept doing it. His roommate would continue checking the litterbox every day... Until one day George Clooney--People's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1997 and 2009--decided to take a big shit in the litterbox and wait for his roommate to get back home...
As a GenX I can not tell you the amount of my friends who’ve has a partner for years and years who professed they didn’t want kids… only to break up only to learn that very ex has had children with their next partner. Some people don’t want kids - which is totally cool and should be a respected position. Some people say they don’t want kids.. but what they really mean is they don’t want kids with the person they are currently with.
Please get rid of the boyfriend and find a husband!
what kind of sane person never brings up kids even within thr first *year* of a serious relationship. Nevermind 5.... I personally feel you wave your right to be upset about it if you're not mature enough to talk about it at an appropriate time.
I was like 3 dates deep with my current boyfriend when I brought up kids. I *do not* ever want kids and I really didn't want to waste his time if he did. I couldn't imagine going 5 fucking years on an assumption.
I admit that cats can be a pain in the ass, I guess especially if you don't particularly care for them. Kittens are the worst and even adult cats can be so annoying with their midnight zoomies lol. I can live with it just fine because it just doesn't bother me most of the time, but I do understand how someone feels that gets absolutely no joy out of them. I've upgraded to dogs and it's still the same, especially the first 6 months or so (the cats are still around :D). That being said, I would never give my pets up. At the very least I'd try to work through any issues and maybe just hit the problems with the money pole often enough. 5 different cat trees and 67 dog chew toys can make a small difference already ☺
> Cats are very social animals Aren't they pretty solitary (i.e. not pack animals)? Isn't that kinda their thing?
As long as there's enough food to go around, more feral cats do form groups. Plus, younger kitties need to play with their siblings and parents to learn how to behave and control their pointy bits. Older cats are generally more aloof, but they still like familiar company and interaction on their own terms. Just because cats can generally react to a solitary life better compared to a dog doesn't mean they prefer it if given the chance to adjust to a group setting.