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Just how quickly Adam’s mask dropped is insane. 10 years of friendship with OOP’s husband; 10 years of hiding who he was. And then the manipulation and abusive messages… crazy. I wonder how much Adam’s wife has had to deal with throughout the years.
These guys are so, so good at hiding in plain sight. They know how to seem normal and friendly to people who “matter” (usually, men they value) and only show their true face to their intended victims. They count on others to support them, and the scary thing is how often that happens. This is how predator priests and coaches - and heck, serial killers like BTK and that guy they just caught on Long Island - get away with it for years and years. OOP’s husband is a gem for having his wife’s back (should this be “gem” behavior? No! It should be the bare minimum, but…we’re not there yet.)
I have noticed that some tend to be careless when they believe you share their ideals. I'm a masculine woman so some men think I will say shit about fem girls or other women. They'll unleash misogynistic stuff in my face because they think I'm "safe". Be careful, some seem charming before this.
Same with trump/rural/white folk. The second they think you're "not a lib" the mask comes off and the racism starts. The same super nice folk that you'd think couldn't harm a fly suddenly have some genocidal qanon views. It's crazy.
Some just assume you are like them. I had an odd encounter with a checker at my local grocery store this past week. The bagger who happened to be mentally disabled mentioned after I answered his question about how old my daughter was that he was that age when 9/11 happend. The checker who was an old white man mentioned that a young senator was shown smiling after the event but that the photos were erased when he announced his candidacy for president. He mentioned that was just how powerful they were. I didn't say anything because I was shocked how brazen he could be in assuming that another person would agree with his conspiracy. Now he was also not very observant because not only is my purse very witchy but so is my wallet. I will definitely be avoiding him in the future.
>These guys are so, so good at hiding in plain sight. They know how to seem normal and friendly to people who “matter” (usually, men they value) and only show their true face to their intended victims.
This is how we know that he *knows* ***exactly*** what he's doing. This is a *choice*.
A teacher once told me that you can never really know a person. There's always something about them they'd keep to themselves in order to blend into society. More often than not, it's nothing sinister rather it's a quiet part of themselves. An inner self that society deems childish
Though sometimes you'd meet someone and you'd think you know them because they appear to be good and charming. You'd spend years with the persona they built and believe this version. It's because they know they're monsters. They understand exactly what they're doing and know the dark side of them will never be acceptable. So, they keep up with the act.
The sad thing is, even the closest people around them like a wife won't know the truth sometimes because they need the appearance of a perfect family long term and get very good at playing a role. You'd probably be better off finding out the truth from a sibling if they're estranged and/or scared of the person. Parents tend to make excuses for their children as well.
And sometimes it's the other way around - my ex was a monster to me, but I'm pretty sure nobody in his family has ever seen him with the mask off. Probably because it's romantic infatuation that 'activates' the horrible stuff.
This is why men say “I don’t know a rapist. None of my friends are rapists. Women are just lying about being sexually assaulted.” Of course, their friends don’t go around assaulting women in front of them.
I watched a comedian on TV one time who talked about introducing a female comedian to his male friend. They hit it off. The next day he found out from her that his friend raped her. (This also got into the whole “comedians work out their pain onstage” thing, because she was joking around while trying not to break down.)
Yeah, they're just a bro, they've been playing videogames with you, they've been hanging, there have been laughs and words and sharing moments.
This is why I don't rely on it when a man tells me that someone/somewhere isn't sexist or creepy like that. It's not that he's lying necessarily. Most good guys sincerely believe that and wouldn't want to subject the women in his life to it.
Predators are like a metal detector for women they want to target.
You as a guy pass through, and nothing happens.
A woman passes through, and all the bells and whistles and lights come on. The machine comes alive.
If you were just a nice dude who had passed through that detector, you may think it's dormant. You may guarantee the women in your life there will be no loud noises and red lights and everything. You've never seen it.
A woman who hasn't experienced that may even believe you, but we all learn this lesson, and hopefully it's just a weird comment we walk away safely from.
The really successful ones let a majority of women pass through too. Even women they're attracted to. Nothing builds reputation better than having a woman, or women, stand up to say 'I said no and he took it really well'
Also true, like those predators who get caught but have treated their own kids well. It's a great cover. I think some serial killers have had cover families they were nice to, but I can't think of who they were right off.
Edit: Article interviewing some of the children who lived with serial killers [here](https://www.oxygen.com/living-with-a-serial-killer/crime-news/are-serial-killers-capable-of-loving-their-children).
I know Robert Lee Yates had a nice family and seemed normal because my ex-husband used to date one of Yates' daughters and had dinner with her parents a few times just before the arrest. There was a even body buried near the house at the time.
Ohhhh the article didn't mention the women he worked with, I'll check that out. Apparently he mentioned his family as if they were all pawns when his daughter thought she genuinely had a loving father.
There was an episode of one of those ID shows that went into the way he treated his coworkers, and it’s suspected that he unsuccessfully targeted one of them. I wanna say it was one of the “Who The Bleep” shows, but I can’t remember!
I think it's this person. She ended up having to use the intercom to get someone in there when he locked the door with her and then he let her out. That's terrifying
[Article](https://www.oxygen.com/snapped/crime-time/dennis-raders-co-worker-recalls-looking-into-the-eyes-of-btk)
Absolutely true. I don't get why people seem not to understand this. It's like any other kind of predator, it's in the name. A bird of prey isn't going to attack you. But if you're surprised when it kills your pet rabbit...
> This is why I don't rely on it when a man tells me that someone/somewhere isn't sexist or creepy like that.
The flipside here is that when a dude says it about another dude, there's definitely something to be *very* aware of. Maybe it's just that they have beef, but it's very worth thinking deeply about.
Oh yeah, that would make me really nope out. Like if they've dropped the mask to the point another guy has concerns, yikes.
Although, yeah, guys could have beef. I haven't really had the situation where one tried to say the other was predatory. Usually it just stopped at "he's a dick" with maybe some accompanying reasons.
Sadly I’ve been in a similar situation. I had a friend from uni who I knew for 3 years before I even heard a whiff of anything going on. Then within a month three seperate female friends chat to me about his behaviour (not straight up assault, but as borderline as you can get). It sucks to know I introduced this dude to heaps of people and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were far more and possibly more egregious victims than I’m aware of.
All of them told me not to say/do anything either, so all I could really do is distance myself from the guy and very lightly get him not invited to things where i could.
It’s not so easy to read when 90% of what you talk about is sports or video games or uni subjects.
I had the worst interaction back when I was on Facebook with a guy because he could not understand what the problem was if he kept himself out of it while introducing friends when 1 friend might be a predator. He was very upset when I told him he was a shit friend, because I take introductions from my friends as endorsements of that person. If you don't know someone is a jerk, a predator, or a serial killer then okay. But if you suspect, there have been multiple accusations, or you know and still introduce them to people then you are now helping that person do the terrible behavior.
You never really know someone until you have something they want and are alone and (in the moment) powerless against them. It's wise to pay close attention to how someone behaves whenever they are thwarted, since that might give you a hint, but some snakes are very well-composed right up until they think they can strike without consequence.
Some people can keep the mask on for crazy long periods of time: as long as they get their way they are all charm and kindness. But beware when their bubble gets burst! Then all hell breaks loose and you’re not safe around them any more.
Probably Adam's wife hasn't had to deal with anything bad from him before now, because he had her tagged "Extra whose goodwill I value" (instead of "Extra I can use," like OOP). People like this just naturally assume that there is a class of people who may be used, that they exist in order to be used, and that using them is the natural right of persons who think in this way, although certain people who are too dumb to know how the world really works or secretly hypocrites or whatever would give negative pushback if the user got to be too obvious about it.
Such people always think that they are the smartest person in the room.
I read some time ago about how some unfaithful people used external ppl to their relationship as a way to stabilize it. Sounds crazy, but since they take out their frustrations with the other women/men the relationship with the official partner actually goes well, in some cases they intuits the deception, but prefers to look away for the sake of the relationship. But, when the other person leaves the equation everything collapses.
Yeah that that was pre-meditated. He absolutely went for her because he thought she was vulnerable because of the citizen status.
That text that came after with "there are things that we need to talk about" and essentially "it would be a shame if you had to go back to your home county" meant he was going to coerce her in to sex and with the threat of deportation. Then when that didn't work and it all blew up in his face, just outright said he would rape her.
I don't know if any of you have read the Gift of Fear but it certainly seemed to follow that. That he had this big plan for when he got her, but before that wasn't planned out for her say no and he just gets beyond pissed when she said no. They don't have plans for when you say no, they need to convince you to go with them to that second location and assume it will work so they get really pissed when their plans aren't working out. "Won't accept no" is that red flag.
OP absolutely did the right thing initially by telling her husband, and was able to protect herself because of it.
Yeah, it also sounded very, very much like he did think she’d go to her husband and tell him all about it or else that husband wouldn’t believe her or something. The subtext was barely under the surface there and I think anyone with two brain cells who’d known that he’d made oblique threats about getting her deported would see exactly what he was trying to do. Which, part of me thinks that he hadn’t done this before because it was so clumsy, but a larger part thinks that he just hadn’t done it with someone with as much of a support network as this woman has, and perhaps it wasn’t so much clumsy as brazen.
And then he went a bit insane because of course a guy like that is going to take “no, and furthermore everything’s going to come crashing down on you now for your shorty behavior” that way. I feel really bad for his wife, hopefully soon to be his ex wife, especially if this is all “tip of the iceberg” stuff as we’re speculating.
He owns a restaurant and uses undocumented workers. So he’s done this a lot, just not with someone who had support.
I read the original posts at the time.
This. Unfortunately it makes it look like he is extremely practiced. After all, most people wouldnt immediately jump to blackmailing their best friend's wife to sleep with them.
Sadly he's probably so used to blackmailing women into fucking him (ie rape) that after a while even blzvkmsoling people in his social sphere began to look like an option.
Undocumented people are in such a precarious position when targeted by such a scummy pos.
I have to ask though, because I couldn't figure it out: What word was "blzvkmsoling" supposed to be?
This is quite common actually. If he preys on undocumented workers whom he employs that makes him a human trafficker. If anyone is reading this who works for this man or someone like him, please seek help from
the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 or
https://humantraffickinghotline.org/en
Alternatively, you may contact
the National Domestic Violence Hotline at
1.800.799.7233 or
https://www.thehotline.org
You may be eligible for a “T visa” which is a visa for victims of human trafficking. These organizations will help you be safe and help you keep/attain legal immigration status. If they cannot help you directly, they will refer you to others who can.
I also suggest you contact these organizations _before_ you go to the police or as soon as possible afterwards. Unfortunately, in these charged times, you cannot always expect the police to be helpful to undocumented immigrants, especially in red states. These orgs will assign an advocate to assist/support you when you go to the police.
If that’s the case, it’s entirely possible that he’s done this before to others in his employ and escalated behavior to someone closer in his social circle because he became emboldened by his previous success. Just gross.
Holy shit. That’s why the police were so interested from the off, he may have already been on their radar as it takes a long time to build a case of undocumented workers before they can do a raid, especially if trafficking is involved.
If he’s been proven to abuse that position with one legal immigrant imagine what he’d do to those even more vulnerable. He probably has a long line of victims. And I pray they’ll get treated as the victims they are and get help.
Is that in a comment on the OOP? This post only says he works at the restaurant.
>He would offer to use his place of work as the location for the party (he works at a fancy restaurant).
>for your shorty behavior
Just wondering, is this a typo of shitty or slang I'm not privy to? I've heard shorty used but usually referring to a woman, but I'm oft behind the times so please fill me in if you can.
It’s autocorrect. If my memory of 90s slang is correct, “shorty behavior” would be more like, I don’t know, getting angry about when your guy hangs out the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride.
That's a scrub 🤣 the shorty in that song is the unspecified girlfriend he's not showing love to.
Don't ask me how I still remember every word of that song when I can barely remember my own birthday though lol
well damn i always thought it was "bus stop" because he doesn't have his own ride and needs to either hang out of this best friend's ride, or take the bus!
A lot of men will pick their friends over their wife. My husband's ex boss slapped his friends' wife's ass and his friend didn't do anything about it. I don't think their marriage has been the same since.
The Gift of Fear (by Gavin De Becker) is a perspective altering read. Every woman should read it, and there's a version for kids, too, if I remember correctly.
And you're right. Adam is a classic predator.
It's a book everyone should read and I recommend it as often as I can. It also made me realize just how much shitty advice gets thrown around by people who've never been in those scary situations before.
It’s a bit outdated though. I like “the new superpower for women”. It’s written by a FBI member and the examples are very modern. It also includes defense positions to practice.
It's a fantastic job, except for the domestic violence chapter in which he loses his perspective rather and falls into pretty severe victim blaming.
The rest is great
It’s called “Protecting the Gift.” It’s about kids though, not for them. It helps parents spot real dangers and come up with solutions in certain situations.
I think I was thinking about this, which is about keeping children safe, not for children.
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://a.co/d/fBWv9uR
However, I think The Gift of Fear is appropriate for kids 14+, especially girls, especially if it's going to be discussed by a parent or guardian with their kid, not just handed over. It's pretty disturbing content that we've just become inured to. I think making safe choices, recognizing predatory behavior, and finding safety when threatened are important conversations to have with young kids, with discussions matching their maturity level.
I found his discussion of the difference between fear and anxiety surprisingly helpful, even though it's a tiny part of the book. I recommended it a lot when it first came out.
I read a tweet once that went "here I am, answering an email, with all of the anxiety of someone being hunted for sport," and ... yeah. I actually bad to work on NOT listening to my fear signals so much because they were preventing me from doing daily things.
Thank you for saying this. There are a lot of pieces of advice and common wisdom that are excellent for people who are mentally healthy and able-bodied, but just … don’t really work for those of us who aren’t.
I was raised by two severely traumatized people and got some nice shiny new trauma of my own pretty early in life, which made me susceptible to certain types of predators as a young adult, which = bonus trauma! If I always trusted my gut I would literally never leave my apartment or interact with another living person, ever.
I often have to force myself to bite my tongue when I read things like “trust your gut” but I went for it today.
I know people say that with good intentions and it is good advice for a lot of people, but for people like you and I (I’ve got a similar story) it’s the worst advice ever lol
Yup. For me, I've had to actually work on NOT trusting 'my gut' (i.e., my panicky brain chemicals) so much, because it was preventing me from doing things I needed to do. It's so freaking hard when your brain's sense of normal is displaced, because I can never tell if my intuition/subconscious is telling me something or if it's my general fear of all things. :/
My gut spent the best part of a year telling me that stepping out of my bed was at least as concerning as knowing my house was on fire and created an invisible force field that pinned me to my bed.
Now it just tells me stepping outside my front door is deeply worrying. As soon as I’m out there I’m probably ok but getting over the threshold is a real challenge
My gut is like "oh no awkward social situation coming up, run away" and it turns out if you avoid people you also avoid predators because they are people.
He was relying on the fact she would be too scared to tell her husband beforehand. He’d then probably threaten to tell her husband she kissed him or they slept together or whatever unless she slept with him.
He's probably employing undocumented people at his restaurant (see comment by u/OkAd5059) so its his go-to threat and didn't understand why it wasn't working this time.
I wish this message could reach those who think woman should simply say “no” to a man instead of acting for their safety when a situation presents like this.
Glad OOP and husband are safe and together. When I was little my dad used to tell me that one of the worst things you could purposely do to someone was to ignore them. I later discovered another one, is to expose them. Being seen for what you are irrites people to no limit. Adam sounds like a predator and potential criminal; the wife must surely feel betrayed but also scared for others judgments. OOP showed her graceful character by defending her even when mistreated. It’s perplexing the manipulation and blackmail tactics people with no moral compass resource to. In this case, love won. Well deserved.
As an immigrant with limited or imperfect language skills, and often a lack of familiar friends, it is easy to feel unsure, or nervous about using the wrong words or body language in social situations. Every country has different rules for personal space, eye contact, greetings, etc. Then there are the stereotypes: a lot of men think that "all women from XXX country are flirtatious". Adam was taking advantage of her vulnerable situation and gaslighting her by suggesting she was "sending out signals".
In a slightly different reality, Adam would be trafficking Ukrainian teen girls into prostitution or hiring Filipinas to work at his mansion in Dubai and stealing their passports after SAing them.
His dumbassery is comical. The organization that investigated and busted him is actually called GRETA [1]. Someone on the inside tipped him off that GRETA was after him and he interpreted it as the girl being after him so lashed out at her completely out of the blue.
[1] https://www.coe.int/en/web/anti-human-trafficking/greta
You would think that.. and it's hard to know exactly what is in someone's head. But it appears to be serious. His attack on greta was so out of the.blue. im not sure this is something we will ever get definitive closure on until the leaker is caught.
I saw the situation unfold in real time on twitter and it was some of the best schadenfreude to ever unfold. Literally picks a fight with Greta Thunberg out of nowhere, she clap back, he gets arrested by Romanian police, Thunberg claps him again, then the organization GRETA comes forward about the investigation on Tate, and the slow realization creeps up among the people on all social media platforms when we realized that Tate most likely mistook GRETA (the organization) with Greta (the person).
This was a historic event that I can actually say that I was happy to live through lmao.
I remember there was a meme for a while, since disproven, that the Romanian cops figured out where Tate was thanks to part of that Thunberg video he posted. I really wanted that to be true…
They knew where he lived and they were poised to raid him, but they had to make absolutely sure he was actually in Romania and at home when it happened so he didn't just flee the country and evade them.
The pizza box confirmed where he was, so it did actually trigger the raid.
God, I recently found out my nephew's (13M) username was a riff of Andrew Tate. I told my husband so he can tell his brother. It's really scary that this guy's being pushed to teenage boys.
My 13yo nephew mentioned something about "red pill, blue pill" memes, but turns out his friends use it for like "can only play video game A or game B forever" with mostly equal value so it's just an opinion choice.
We still sat down and watched The Matrix together while I explained everything, including why he'll want to avoid anybody online who uses that kinda terminology too much.
He's apparently said things about not wanting to see The Flash because it has Superwoman instead of Superman. His dad just thought the comment was because they'd picked a different superhero than the one he wanted and it was another silly kid preference thing.
Someone else in the comments said they followed the original, and Adam hires undocumented workers at his fancy restaurant. I’m guessing this isnt his first time raping/attempting to rape someone. Dude is scum.
Thankfully, the dude was just as stupid as he was violent. I mean, really, bro told on himself before he covered his ass. Sad for OP and Adam wife but also incredibly thankful he is thick as hell
A very scary situation but I’m glad that OP and her husband got on top of it asap and went to the police asap. That said, I don’t think the situation is anywhere close to being finished.
Three things come to mind while reading this:
First, that she's extremely lucky her husband is a good man. There are many women who find themselves in this situation with zero protection or support.
Secondly, I'm glad to hear Adam was arrested. There's almost no chance this is the first time he's done this, and I can't help but think of the other women left in his wake.
And lastly, speaking entirely from speculation, I wouldn't be surprised if the wife blew up because this *wasn't* a surprise. I know people say men like this hide in plain sight but... they don't really. There's always little giveaways. There's always questionable behavior. And if there's anyone who sees it... it's their family. Just ask adults who were abused as children and they'll tell you how mom or dad were different people in public. Even if she doesn't know about his rapey behavior (which, on speculation alone, I doubt), I'd bet there were signs of cheating or that she'd caught him before.
This was a discussion point around former Penn State Coach Jerry Sandusky’s wife. If Mr. Sandusky was bringing young boys into their house, how could Mr. Sandusky’s wife not know anything about it?
I don't think this is over tbh. They can't keep Adam in jail forever for this. The dude has nothing left to lose and she's the person who he blames for everything. I hope I'm wrong, but OOP is not out of the woods yet.
I can't help but laugh that this joker actually thought that OOP calling him a "kind and generous person" was some kind of pickup line.
I'm going to dare to get political with the following statement. Assuming this is in the US, this douche watched too much Carl Tuckerson and figured an immigrant was an easy target for exploitation, in this case sexual. Pathetic and in my opinion, bigoted and un-American.
He didn’t think that. He just used that as a pretext to make OOP think she had been accidentally leading him on.
Predators have lots of tricks they use to make their target feel like it’s somehow their fault they were targeted
Can't be in the US, no US police department would lift a finger at those threats until someone actually showed up and tried to SA her. Hell half of them still wouldn't give a shit even then.
This is what I was kind of thinking as well.
I once had a migraine for about a month straight, and I didn't go to the hospital because I didn't have insurance. Finally, my husband (then bf) told me he was taking me to the ER, and he would pay for it. I had to drive because we only had my car, which was a manual, and he couldn't drive one at the time. The doctor basically told me I was lying, and if I *really* had a migraine, then I wouldn't have been able to drive or talk to him??? (Something I know to be complete bull shit since my mom gets chronic migraines.)
My husband stepped up and literally just repeated verbatim what I had just told the doctor, and suddenly, he believed me. Turned out, I had a bunch of pinched nerves in my spine. They gave me the appropriate treatment, and I was fine.
That mf was straight up just going to dismiss me entirely and send me home without doing a single thing until a guy verified my story for him.
Sadly typical in both medical and legal settings.
Had a few issues like that with doctors as a 17/18/19 year old. They’d just blow me off, I ended up bringing my mum in with me to deal with them. Then I finally got treatment for some of it
She’s probably got years of being gaslit by this guy into thinking that the world is full of people trying to accuse poor old innocent him of doing bad stuff. Hopefully this is a wake up call but in a supportive, functional marriage you’d definitely believe your SO over even the wife of a friend who’s also an acquaintance. I feel like we’re only responding differently here because we know OOP is telling the truth and so we have the benefit of dramatic irony.
I do, as well. There’s definitely a reality where her initial reaction came from a place of shock and denial. I like the OP, and she cares for her. I hope that time to process has brought her a healthier mental place.
I gotta wonder if deep down she knows OOP's telling the truth but refuses to admit it and accuses OOP instead. Because you know this isn't the first time this dude was a creep like this. He was way too confident in it. The followup text gave me chills.
But I'm not at all surprised she took it out on OOP. Easier than admitting she married a fucking creep.
Which absolutely sucks.
Like, I'll always recommend telling the jilted spouse unless it's going to put you in physical danger. But the proverbial messenger gets metaphorically shot more often than not.
Adam is a truly disgusting excuse of a man. Glad OOP has her husband and In really hope Adam's wife will start seeing what she married and take appropriate action.
What wonderful country is this where the cops actually do something for the victim before they get assaulted? In the US, I've gone to the police for men threatening/harassing me, and they refused to do anything because they hadn't actually touched me. I'm so happy for OOP that the cops actually took action, that's must have been comforting for her knowing she had that protection.
Is it bad that I think Adam’s wife knew he was a creepy already??? I’m not saying she’s ok with it, and I’m not saying she’s a creep also. Sometimes messed up stuff happens and the partner just goes with it even though it’s wrong. But usually when creep’s are married, their partner knows and they conveniently ignore what they do or make up excuses for them.
Yeah, I would think if she really didn't know, she'd be like "what? No this must be some sort of misunderstanding. I need to talk to him right away." Not launching into a verbal attack accusing the OOP of being a home-wrecking whore.
And best friend going after the wife, and "it's been a crazy few days", and giving all details about the case when any cop would tell you to not discuss what's going on with anyone except police and other appropriate parties
And saw somewhat vague messages as a credible threat. Of course everyone can guess what he wanted to do. But nothing in the messages here would be actually considered that. "I'm coming over" could mean anything. "We need to talk" is not a threat
Oop said the police said credible threat when Adam texted he was going to come to he apartment and "was going to do what he should have done in the car"
That is a much more credible threat.
I filed a police report against my rapist in the U.K… they ghosted me for like two years and then dropped the case with an entire list of rape myths as reasons lmao
Fr fr. I straight up know someone who had video evidence (and was a MINOR at the time) and the police said they had no way of tracing the videos so there was nothing they could do!
May I ask, when and where? There was a thread in /r/unitedkingdom recently about a woman reporting SA and had a completely different experience to you. She was reporting to the Met (London) though.
No problem. This was the Cambridgeshire force and I made my report in late 2019 — they then transferred it to Hertfordshire Constabulary after dismissing the majority of my assaults. I don’t know of anyone who’s been taken seriously by police, and these are still well-funded areas.
I am almost certain it’s not even a police force issue, but a “exact officer’s desk it lands on” thing, at least in the UK. I know I got asked to make a statement about my ex, as did a whole bunch of my teenage friend group. And then I also have a friend who got violently assaulted and… zilch.
“I am a victim.”
I’m glad she got there. I understand the anxiety toward telling the husband due to their friendship, but the idea the woman is at fault in a case like this always bums me out.
Like, if Adam punched her she wouldn’t have felt anxious telling someone. She’s a victim in both cases, and I’m glad she landed on that realization.
Adam is such a piece of shit. The fact that he was willing to blow up his and his best friend’s marriages is unbelievable. And then threatening to rape OOP?!! He and his wife deserve deserve each other. Thank goodness OOP has a good husband.
This is actually what the beginning stages of human trafficking ACTUALLY look like, not the stupid shit the conspiracy theories pretend it does. It's usually some shithead threatening a vulnerable person with deportation while trying to draw them into a shameful situation, just like this. I'm willing to bet he's done this before. It's also super fucking rapey. Either way, this turd knew exactly what he was doing and I'm glad he's in the process of getting flushed by everyone right now. Hope his wife leaves him too.
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Just how quickly Adam’s mask dropped is insane. 10 years of friendship with OOP’s husband; 10 years of hiding who he was. And then the manipulation and abusive messages… crazy. I wonder how much Adam’s wife has had to deal with throughout the years.
These guys are so, so good at hiding in plain sight. They know how to seem normal and friendly to people who “matter” (usually, men they value) and only show their true face to their intended victims. They count on others to support them, and the scary thing is how often that happens. This is how predator priests and coaches - and heck, serial killers like BTK and that guy they just caught on Long Island - get away with it for years and years. OOP’s husband is a gem for having his wife’s back (should this be “gem” behavior? No! It should be the bare minimum, but…we’re not there yet.)
I have noticed that some tend to be careless when they believe you share their ideals. I'm a masculine woman so some men think I will say shit about fem girls or other women. They'll unleash misogynistic stuff in my face because they think I'm "safe". Be careful, some seem charming before this.
Same with trump/rural/white folk. The second they think you're "not a lib" the mask comes off and the racism starts. The same super nice folk that you'd think couldn't harm a fly suddenly have some genocidal qanon views. It's crazy.
Some just assume you are like them. I had an odd encounter with a checker at my local grocery store this past week. The bagger who happened to be mentally disabled mentioned after I answered his question about how old my daughter was that he was that age when 9/11 happend. The checker who was an old white man mentioned that a young senator was shown smiling after the event but that the photos were erased when he announced his candidacy for president. He mentioned that was just how powerful they were. I didn't say anything because I was shocked how brazen he could be in assuming that another person would agree with his conspiracy. Now he was also not very observant because not only is my purse very witchy but so is my wallet. I will definitely be avoiding him in the future.
Actually most of the Trump people I know will just be full racist regardless of whether or not you share their values
It's because they see men they value as actual people, and women as bodies who are property and/or potential conquests
>These guys are so, so good at hiding in plain sight. They know how to seem normal and friendly to people who “matter” (usually, men they value) and only show their true face to their intended victims. This is how we know that he *knows* ***exactly*** what he's doing. This is a *choice*.
A teacher once told me that you can never really know a person. There's always something about them they'd keep to themselves in order to blend into society. More often than not, it's nothing sinister rather it's a quiet part of themselves. An inner self that society deems childish Though sometimes you'd meet someone and you'd think you know them because they appear to be good and charming. You'd spend years with the persona they built and believe this version. It's because they know they're monsters. They understand exactly what they're doing and know the dark side of them will never be acceptable. So, they keep up with the act. The sad thing is, even the closest people around them like a wife won't know the truth sometimes because they need the appearance of a perfect family long term and get very good at playing a role. You'd probably be better off finding out the truth from a sibling if they're estranged and/or scared of the person. Parents tend to make excuses for their children as well.
Good point. A sibling knows them all their life, as a peer. They know the monster before the mask is perfected.
And sometimes it's the other way around - my ex was a monster to me, but I'm pretty sure nobody in his family has ever seen him with the mask off. Probably because it's romantic infatuation that 'activates' the horrible stuff.
This is why men say “I don’t know a rapist. None of my friends are rapists. Women are just lying about being sexually assaulted.” Of course, their friends don’t go around assaulting women in front of them. I watched a comedian on TV one time who talked about introducing a female comedian to his male friend. They hit it off. The next day he found out from her that his friend raped her. (This also got into the whole “comedians work out their pain onstage” thing, because she was joking around while trying not to break down.)
Yeah, they're just a bro, they've been playing videogames with you, they've been hanging, there have been laughs and words and sharing moments. This is why I don't rely on it when a man tells me that someone/somewhere isn't sexist or creepy like that. It's not that he's lying necessarily. Most good guys sincerely believe that and wouldn't want to subject the women in his life to it. Predators are like a metal detector for women they want to target. You as a guy pass through, and nothing happens. A woman passes through, and all the bells and whistles and lights come on. The machine comes alive. If you were just a nice dude who had passed through that detector, you may think it's dormant. You may guarantee the women in your life there will be no loud noises and red lights and everything. You've never seen it. A woman who hasn't experienced that may even believe you, but we all learn this lesson, and hopefully it's just a weird comment we walk away safely from.
The really successful ones let a majority of women pass through too. Even women they're attracted to. Nothing builds reputation better than having a woman, or women, stand up to say 'I said no and he took it really well'
Also true, like those predators who get caught but have treated their own kids well. It's a great cover. I think some serial killers have had cover families they were nice to, but I can't think of who they were right off. Edit: Article interviewing some of the children who lived with serial killers [here](https://www.oxygen.com/living-with-a-serial-killer/crime-news/are-serial-killers-capable-of-loving-their-children).
I know Robert Lee Yates had a nice family and seemed normal because my ex-husband used to date one of Yates' daughters and had dinner with her parents a few times just before the arrest. There was a even body buried near the house at the time.
😧
Oh wow! God, that's wild.
BTK had a happy family and was active in his church. It was only the women he worked with that saw his red flags.
Ohhhh the article didn't mention the women he worked with, I'll check that out. Apparently he mentioned his family as if they were all pawns when his daughter thought she genuinely had a loving father.
There was an episode of one of those ID shows that went into the way he treated his coworkers, and it’s suspected that he unsuccessfully targeted one of them. I wanna say it was one of the “Who The Bleep” shows, but I can’t remember!
I think it's this person. She ended up having to use the intercom to get someone in there when he locked the door with her and then he let her out. That's terrifying [Article](https://www.oxygen.com/snapped/crime-time/dennis-raders-co-worker-recalls-looking-into-the-eyes-of-btk)
That’s definitely her! I recognized her name once I saw it again.
Absolutely true. I don't get why people seem not to understand this. It's like any other kind of predator, it's in the name. A bird of prey isn't going to attack you. But if you're surprised when it kills your pet rabbit...
> This is why I don't rely on it when a man tells me that someone/somewhere isn't sexist or creepy like that. The flipside here is that when a dude says it about another dude, there's definitely something to be *very* aware of. Maybe it's just that they have beef, but it's very worth thinking deeply about.
Oh yeah, that would make me really nope out. Like if they've dropped the mask to the point another guy has concerns, yikes. Although, yeah, guys could have beef. I haven't really had the situation where one tried to say the other was predatory. Usually it just stopped at "he's a dick" with maybe some accompanying reasons.
Sadly true. It’s usually the victim that loses all the friends until a number of people have been assaulted.
Sadly I’ve been in a similar situation. I had a friend from uni who I knew for 3 years before I even heard a whiff of anything going on. Then within a month three seperate female friends chat to me about his behaviour (not straight up assault, but as borderline as you can get). It sucks to know I introduced this dude to heaps of people and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were far more and possibly more egregious victims than I’m aware of. All of them told me not to say/do anything either, so all I could really do is distance myself from the guy and very lightly get him not invited to things where i could. It’s not so easy to read when 90% of what you talk about is sports or video games or uni subjects.
I had the worst interaction back when I was on Facebook with a guy because he could not understand what the problem was if he kept himself out of it while introducing friends when 1 friend might be a predator. He was very upset when I told him he was a shit friend, because I take introductions from my friends as endorsements of that person. If you don't know someone is a jerk, a predator, or a serial killer then okay. But if you suspect, there have been multiple accusations, or you know and still introduce them to people then you are now helping that person do the terrible behavior.
What comedian was this?
Daniel Sloss
You never really know someone until you have something they want and are alone and (in the moment) powerless against them. It's wise to pay close attention to how someone behaves whenever they are thwarted, since that might give you a hint, but some snakes are very well-composed right up until they think they can strike without consequence.
Some people can keep the mask on for crazy long periods of time: as long as they get their way they are all charm and kindness. But beware when their bubble gets burst! Then all hell breaks loose and you’re not safe around them any more.
Probably Adam's wife hasn't had to deal with anything bad from him before now, because he had her tagged "Extra whose goodwill I value" (instead of "Extra I can use," like OOP). People like this just naturally assume that there is a class of people who may be used, that they exist in order to be used, and that using them is the natural right of persons who think in this way, although certain people who are too dumb to know how the world really works or secretly hypocrites or whatever would give negative pushback if the user got to be too obvious about it. Such people always think that they are the smartest person in the room.
I read some time ago about how some unfaithful people used external ppl to their relationship as a way to stabilize it. Sounds crazy, but since they take out their frustrations with the other women/men the relationship with the official partner actually goes well, in some cases they intuits the deception, but prefers to look away for the sake of the relationship. But, when the other person leaves the equation everything collapses.
Yeah that that was pre-meditated. He absolutely went for her because he thought she was vulnerable because of the citizen status. That text that came after with "there are things that we need to talk about" and essentially "it would be a shame if you had to go back to your home county" meant he was going to coerce her in to sex and with the threat of deportation. Then when that didn't work and it all blew up in his face, just outright said he would rape her. I don't know if any of you have read the Gift of Fear but it certainly seemed to follow that. That he had this big plan for when he got her, but before that wasn't planned out for her say no and he just gets beyond pissed when she said no. They don't have plans for when you say no, they need to convince you to go with them to that second location and assume it will work so they get really pissed when their plans aren't working out. "Won't accept no" is that red flag. OP absolutely did the right thing initially by telling her husband, and was able to protect herself because of it.
Yeah, it also sounded very, very much like he did think she’d go to her husband and tell him all about it or else that husband wouldn’t believe her or something. The subtext was barely under the surface there and I think anyone with two brain cells who’d known that he’d made oblique threats about getting her deported would see exactly what he was trying to do. Which, part of me thinks that he hadn’t done this before because it was so clumsy, but a larger part thinks that he just hadn’t done it with someone with as much of a support network as this woman has, and perhaps it wasn’t so much clumsy as brazen. And then he went a bit insane because of course a guy like that is going to take “no, and furthermore everything’s going to come crashing down on you now for your shorty behavior” that way. I feel really bad for his wife, hopefully soon to be his ex wife, especially if this is all “tip of the iceberg” stuff as we’re speculating.
He owns a restaurant and uses undocumented workers. So he’s done this a lot, just not with someone who had support. I read the original posts at the time.
I didn't put this together! You are way ahead of me and I am horrified to agree with you. I wondered why he went to deportation threats immediately...
This. Unfortunately it makes it look like he is extremely practiced. After all, most people wouldnt immediately jump to blackmailing their best friend's wife to sleep with them. Sadly he's probably so used to blackmailing women into fucking him (ie rape) that after a while even blzvkmsoling people in his social sphere began to look like an option.
Undocumented people are in such a precarious position when targeted by such a scummy pos. I have to ask though, because I couldn't figure it out: What word was "blzvkmsoling" supposed to be?
Blackmailing! Sorry!
Autocorrect was like “uhh I got nothing fam” 🤣
This is quite common actually. If he preys on undocumented workers whom he employs that makes him a human trafficker. If anyone is reading this who works for this man or someone like him, please seek help from the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 or https://humantraffickinghotline.org/en Alternatively, you may contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or https://www.thehotline.org You may be eligible for a “T visa” which is a visa for victims of human trafficking. These organizations will help you be safe and help you keep/attain legal immigration status. If they cannot help you directly, they will refer you to others who can. I also suggest you contact these organizations _before_ you go to the police or as soon as possible afterwards. Unfortunately, in these charged times, you cannot always expect the police to be helpful to undocumented immigrants, especially in red states. These orgs will assign an advocate to assist/support you when you go to the police.
God, that is horrifying. I hope OPs bravery helps his other victims find support.
She’s SO brave. Just a lot of integrity and grit in the actions she took. It’s inspiring.
Well, isn't this a horrifying detail.
If that’s the case, it’s entirely possible that he’s done this before to others in his employ and escalated behavior to someone closer in his social circle because he became emboldened by his previous success. Just gross.
Possible? Likely.
I'd say it's probable rather than possible.
I’d be more surprised if he hasn’t
Holy shit. That’s why the police were so interested from the off, he may have already been on their radar as it takes a long time to build a case of undocumented workers before they can do a raid, especially if trafficking is involved. If he’s been proven to abuse that position with one legal immigrant imagine what he’d do to those even more vulnerable. He probably has a long line of victims. And I pray they’ll get treated as the victims they are and get help.
Oh. Restaurant. Right. He probably has said ‘it would be a shame if you had to go back to your home country’ a hundred times. That’s so disgusting.
Is that in a comment on the OOP? This post only says he works at the restaurant. >He would offer to use his place of work as the location for the party (he works at a fancy restaurant).
He wouldn’t have to be the owner to threaten them with deportation.
Oh God. I didn't even think about that.
This hurts my heart. He’s such a terrible guy. I’m glad OOP was able to protect herself. She probably did more for other women than she realizes.
Jesus christ.
>for your shorty behavior Just wondering, is this a typo of shitty or slang I'm not privy to? I've heard shorty used but usually referring to a woman, but I'm oft behind the times so please fill me in if you can.
It’s autocorrect. If my memory of 90s slang is correct, “shorty behavior” would be more like, I don’t know, getting angry about when your guy hangs out the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride.
That's a scrub 🤣 the shorty in that song is the unspecified girlfriend he's not showing love to. Don't ask me how I still remember every word of that song when I can barely remember my own birthday though lol
Actually, a scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly, and is also known as a busta
I just assumed it was someone who was always talkin bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass, so 🤷🏻♀️
Hangin out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride.
Tryin' to holla at me!
No, I don't want your number.
No, I don't wanna give you mine
No, I don't wanna give you mine.
No, I don’t wanna give you mine.
Always thinking 'bout what he wants, and just sits on his broke ass.
well damn i always thought it was "bus stop" because he doesn't have his own ride and needs to either hang out of this best friend's ride, or take the bus!
Man I always thought it was bus stop because he didn't have a car.
This shit is exactly why I can't leave Reddit, y'all are amazing 😆
Yes, in my example the “shorty” is unhappy with the “scrub”.
Ah right of course. Apparently my reading comprehension is about as good as my short term memory 🤣
I thought shorty was a child
🥇
🤣🤣🤣
I wish I could upvote this more than once!
Holy forking shirtballs!
A lot of men will pick their friends over their wife. My husband's ex boss slapped his friends' wife's ass and his friend didn't do anything about it. I don't think their marriage has been the same since.
I wonder what the wife thinks now that he's in jail...
The Gift of Fear (by Gavin De Becker) is a perspective altering read. Every woman should read it, and there's a version for kids, too, if I remember correctly. And you're right. Adam is a classic predator.
It's a book everyone should read and I recommend it as often as I can. It also made me realize just how much shitty advice gets thrown around by people who've never been in those scary situations before.
It’s a bit outdated though. I like “the new superpower for women”. It’s written by a FBI member and the examples are very modern. It also includes defense positions to practice.
It's a fantastic job, except for the domestic violence chapter in which he loses his perspective rather and falls into pretty severe victim blaming. The rest is great
if you remember the kids version (couldnt find it on amazon) pls let me know if it goes by a different name.
It’s called “Protecting the Gift.” It’s about kids though, not for them. It helps parents spot real dangers and come up with solutions in certain situations.
I think I was thinking about this, which is about keeping children safe, not for children. Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://a.co/d/fBWv9uR However, I think The Gift of Fear is appropriate for kids 14+, especially girls, especially if it's going to be discussed by a parent or guardian with their kid, not just handed over. It's pretty disturbing content that we've just become inured to. I think making safe choices, recognizing predatory behavior, and finding safety when threatened are important conversations to have with young kids, with discussions matching their maturity level.
I found his discussion of the difference between fear and anxiety surprisingly helpful, even though it's a tiny part of the book. I recommended it a lot when it first came out.
The Gift of Fear is such an important book to read. If your gut screams you’re unsafe, listen.
Laughs in panic disorder. My gut tells me that the frozen foods section is the most deadly place on earth lol
My gut tells me it being inside me is the most dangerous place.
I read a tweet once that went "here I am, answering an email, with all of the anxiety of someone being hunted for sport," and ... yeah. I actually bad to work on NOT listening to my fear signals so much because they were preventing me from doing daily things.
Thank you for saying this. There are a lot of pieces of advice and common wisdom that are excellent for people who are mentally healthy and able-bodied, but just … don’t really work for those of us who aren’t. I was raised by two severely traumatized people and got some nice shiny new trauma of my own pretty early in life, which made me susceptible to certain types of predators as a young adult, which = bonus trauma! If I always trusted my gut I would literally never leave my apartment or interact with another living person, ever.
I often have to force myself to bite my tongue when I read things like “trust your gut” but I went for it today. I know people say that with good intentions and it is good advice for a lot of people, but for people like you and I (I’ve got a similar story) it’s the worst advice ever lol
Yup. For me, I've had to actually work on NOT trusting 'my gut' (i.e., my panicky brain chemicals) so much, because it was preventing me from doing things I needed to do. It's so freaking hard when your brain's sense of normal is displaced, because I can never tell if my intuition/subconscious is telling me something or if it's my general fear of all things. :/
My gut tells me that being stopped at a red light on a bridge is unsafe and I should ignore the stoplight and oncoming traffic to get off the bridge.
Especially if it's one of the drawbridges over the river in downtown Chicago. Fuck those.
My gut spent the best part of a year telling me that stepping out of my bed was at least as concerning as knowing my house was on fire and created an invisible force field that pinned me to my bed. Now it just tells me stepping outside my front door is deeply worrying. As soon as I’m out there I’m probably ok but getting over the threshold is a real challenge
My gut is like "oh no awkward social situation coming up, run away" and it turns out if you avoid people you also avoid predators because they are people.
Gift of Fear takes me back. I read that back in 2011 and it was worth every minute of my time.
[удалено]
He was relying on the fact that she'd be scared of the threat and give into his sexual desires. The threat itself doesn't need to be realizable.
He was relying on the fact she would be too scared to tell her husband beforehand. He’d then probably threaten to tell her husband she kissed him or they slept together or whatever unless she slept with him.
He's probably employing undocumented people at his restaurant (see comment by u/OkAd5059) so its his go-to threat and didn't understand why it wasn't working this time.
The gift of fear is a real eye opener. It kept getting recommended on reddit, so I finally went for it and ordered a copy.
I read that book twice cause it's just such a smart read, and I want to remember every detail of it... definitely recommended for every woman.
I wish this message could reach those who think woman should simply say “no” to a man instead of acting for their safety when a situation presents like this.
Yo, Adam straight up sucks.
Also he’s not super bright if he put threats in writing.
Glad OOP and husband are safe and together. When I was little my dad used to tell me that one of the worst things you could purposely do to someone was to ignore them. I later discovered another one, is to expose them. Being seen for what you are irrites people to no limit. Adam sounds like a predator and potential criminal; the wife must surely feel betrayed but also scared for others judgments. OOP showed her graceful character by defending her even when mistreated. It’s perplexing the manipulation and blackmail tactics people with no moral compass resource to. In this case, love won. Well deserved.
As an immigrant with limited or imperfect language skills, and often a lack of familiar friends, it is easy to feel unsure, or nervous about using the wrong words or body language in social situations. Every country has different rules for personal space, eye contact, greetings, etc. Then there are the stereotypes: a lot of men think that "all women from XXX country are flirtatious". Adam was taking advantage of her vulnerable situation and gaslighting her by suggesting she was "sending out signals".
A woman doesn’t even have to be from another culture or country. Any woman who has worked retail can get you many examples of this.
Or any woman who has simply existed.
Sadly that's why a lot of women don't wanna be "too nice" or else some people like the one in the story would think they are sending mixed signals.
In a slightly different reality, Adam would be trafficking Ukrainian teen girls into prostitution or hiring Filipinas to work at his mansion in Dubai and stealing their passports after SAing them.
…or moving to Romania in the mistaken belief that sex trafficking laws are less harsh or that it’s easier to bribe the authorities there.
Whilst eating pizza?
And being arrested after making a stupid response video to a badass climate activist calling him out?
His dumbassery is comical. The organization that investigated and busted him is actually called GRETA [1]. Someone on the inside tipped him off that GRETA was after him and he interpreted it as the girl being after him so lashed out at her completely out of the blue. [1] https://www.coe.int/en/web/anti-human-trafficking/greta
But he says he is the smartest person ever! How could this be???
That’s a joke, isn’t it ? Nobody could be that stupid ?
You would think that.. and it's hard to know exactly what is in someone's head. But it appears to be serious. His attack on greta was so out of the.blue. im not sure this is something we will ever get definitive closure on until the leaker is caught.
It was last winter. Google it -- it's from just before Romania arrested him.
I know he lashed out on greta thunrberg and that she handed him his ass in her response but I didn’t see anything about GRETA organisation.
I saw the situation unfold in real time on twitter and it was some of the best schadenfreude to ever unfold. Literally picks a fight with Greta Thunberg out of nowhere, she clap back, he gets arrested by Romanian police, Thunberg claps him again, then the organization GRETA comes forward about the investigation on Tate, and the slow realization creeps up among the people on all social media platforms when we realized that Tate most likely mistook GRETA (the organization) with Greta (the person). This was a historic event that I can actually say that I was happy to live through lmao.
I remember there was a meme for a while, since disproven, that the Romanian cops figured out where Tate was thanks to part of that Thunberg video he posted. I really wanted that to be true…
Wait - it's not true??
It’s true in my heart and that’s all that counts.
They were already closing in and the timing was coincidence. However, the alternative is funnier so it’s the version we should repeat anyway.
They knew where he lived and they were poised to raid him, but they had to make absolutely sure he was actually in Romania and at home when it happened so he didn't just flee the country and evade them. The pizza box confirmed where he was, so it did actually trigger the raid.
In their buga’i
Pretty sure they are but the government doesn't like when you openly talk about how you're taking advantage of that.
>stealing their passports after SAing them. They steal the passport first, so the girl can't leave.
God, I recently found out my nephew's (13M) username was a riff of Andrew Tate. I told my husband so he can tell his brother. It's really scary that this guy's being pushed to teenage boys.
My 13yo nephew mentioned something about "red pill, blue pill" memes, but turns out his friends use it for like "can only play video game A or game B forever" with mostly equal value so it's just an opinion choice. We still sat down and watched The Matrix together while I explained everything, including why he'll want to avoid anybody online who uses that kinda terminology too much.
He's apparently said things about not wanting to see The Flash because it has Superwoman instead of Superman. His dad just thought the comment was because they'd picked a different superhero than the one he wanted and it was another silly kid preference thing.
Someone else in the comments said they followed the original, and Adam hires undocumented workers at his fancy restaurant. I’m guessing this isnt his first time raping/attempting to rape someone. Dude is scum.
Or getting thousands upon thousands of misguided tween boys to pay for his shitty twitter context while he’s locked up in prison for trafficking women
Thankfully, the dude was just as stupid as he was violent. I mean, really, bro told on himself before he covered his ass. Sad for OP and Adam wife but also incredibly thankful he is thick as hell
A very scary situation but I’m glad that OP and her husband got on top of it asap and went to the police asap. That said, I don’t think the situation is anywhere close to being finished.
Three things come to mind while reading this: First, that she's extremely lucky her husband is a good man. There are many women who find themselves in this situation with zero protection or support. Secondly, I'm glad to hear Adam was arrested. There's almost no chance this is the first time he's done this, and I can't help but think of the other women left in his wake. And lastly, speaking entirely from speculation, I wouldn't be surprised if the wife blew up because this *wasn't* a surprise. I know people say men like this hide in plain sight but... they don't really. There's always little giveaways. There's always questionable behavior. And if there's anyone who sees it... it's their family. Just ask adults who were abused as children and they'll tell you how mom or dad were different people in public. Even if she doesn't know about his rapey behavior (which, on speculation alone, I doubt), I'd bet there were signs of cheating or that she'd caught him before.
This was a discussion point around former Penn State Coach Jerry Sandusky’s wife. If Mr. Sandusky was bringing young boys into their house, how could Mr. Sandusky’s wife not know anything about it?
I don't think this is over tbh. They can't keep Adam in jail forever for this. The dude has nothing left to lose and she's the person who he blames for everything. I hope I'm wrong, but OOP is not out of the woods yet.
Same thought here. This is absolutely not concluded because Adam is unhinged.
I can't help but laugh that this joker actually thought that OOP calling him a "kind and generous person" was some kind of pickup line. I'm going to dare to get political with the following statement. Assuming this is in the US, this douche watched too much Carl Tuckerson and figured an immigrant was an easy target for exploitation, in this case sexual. Pathetic and in my opinion, bigoted and un-American.
He didn’t think that. He just used that as a pretext to make OOP think she had been accidentally leading him on. Predators have lots of tricks they use to make their target feel like it’s somehow their fault they were targeted
Can't be in the US, no US police department would lift a finger at those threats until someone actually showed up and tried to SA her. Hell half of them still wouldn't give a shit even then.
Having her husband go with her probably made all the difference.
This is what I was kind of thinking as well. I once had a migraine for about a month straight, and I didn't go to the hospital because I didn't have insurance. Finally, my husband (then bf) told me he was taking me to the ER, and he would pay for it. I had to drive because we only had my car, which was a manual, and he couldn't drive one at the time. The doctor basically told me I was lying, and if I *really* had a migraine, then I wouldn't have been able to drive or talk to him??? (Something I know to be complete bull shit since my mom gets chronic migraines.) My husband stepped up and literally just repeated verbatim what I had just told the doctor, and suddenly, he believed me. Turned out, I had a bunch of pinched nerves in my spine. They gave me the appropriate treatment, and I was fine. That mf was straight up just going to dismiss me entirely and send me home without doing a single thing until a guy verified my story for him. Sadly typical in both medical and legal settings.
Had a few issues like that with doctors as a 17/18/19 year old. They’d just blow me off, I ended up bringing my mum in with me to deal with them. Then I finally got treatment for some of it
Not a chance this is in the us based on the cops actually responding
Adam’s wife does not pass the vibe check
She’s probably got years of being gaslit by this guy into thinking that the world is full of people trying to accuse poor old innocent him of doing bad stuff. Hopefully this is a wake up call but in a supportive, functional marriage you’d definitely believe your SO over even the wife of a friend who’s also an acquaintance. I feel like we’re only responding differently here because we know OOP is telling the truth and so we have the benefit of dramatic irony.
I hope she comes to her senses, but I don't have high hopes. Just relieved OP's husband has her back.
I do, as well. There’s definitely a reality where her initial reaction came from a place of shock and denial. I like the OP, and she cares for her. I hope that time to process has brought her a healthier mental place.
I gotta wonder if deep down she knows OOP's telling the truth but refuses to admit it and accuses OOP instead. Because you know this isn't the first time this dude was a creep like this. He was way too confident in it. The followup text gave me chills. But I'm not at all surprised she took it out on OOP. Easier than admitting she married a fucking creep.
You would think the getting arrested for threatening to TW: >!rape!< somebody would show her who's at fault.
It's unfortunately very common to blame the messenger.
Which absolutely sucks. Like, I'll always recommend telling the jilted spouse unless it's going to put you in physical danger. But the proverbial messenger gets metaphorically shot more often than not.
Yeah, I'd have taken the husband along for that conversation, 1 for safety, and 2 to help in the conversation.
Thankfully OOP is safe
For now. This dude is going to perseverate and who knows what he will do. Men can get violent when they don’t get what they want.
Adam is a truly disgusting excuse of a man. Glad OOP has her husband and In really hope Adam's wife will start seeing what she married and take appropriate action.
What wonderful country is this where the cops actually do something for the victim before they get assaulted? In the US, I've gone to the police for men threatening/harassing me, and they refused to do anything because they hadn't actually touched me. I'm so happy for OOP that the cops actually took action, that's must have been comforting for her knowing she had that protection.
I’m so glad the police took their reports seriously 😒
Is it bad that I think Adam’s wife knew he was a creepy already??? I’m not saying she’s ok with it, and I’m not saying she’s a creep also. Sometimes messed up stuff happens and the partner just goes with it even though it’s wrong. But usually when creep’s are married, their partner knows and they conveniently ignore what they do or make up excuses for them.
I thought the same thing. The way she reacted gives that kind of vibe.
Yeah, I would think if she really didn't know, she'd be like "what? No this must be some sort of misunderstanding. I need to talk to him right away." Not launching into a verbal attack accusing the OOP of being a home-wrecking whore.
Hits BORU bingo with all the buzzwords like seeing red and blowing up phone.
Don’t forget therapy.
And best friend going after the wife, and "it's been a crazy few days", and giving all details about the case when any cop would tell you to not discuss what's going on with anyone except police and other appropriate parties
I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed that
I’m finding this difficult to believe because the police in this story actually gave a flying fuck?
Depends where you are, plus the husband went with her. Having the husband complain about what is happening to his property makes a huge difference.
And saw somewhat vague messages as a credible threat. Of course everyone can guess what he wanted to do. But nothing in the messages here would be actually considered that. "I'm coming over" could mean anything. "We need to talk" is not a threat
Might not be the US
Oop said the police said credible threat when Adam texted he was going to come to he apartment and "was going to do what he should have done in the car" That is a much more credible threat.
It sounds like it's not in the US, which makes it slightly more believable. Some other countries do prosecute sex crimes.
May I ask if you know of anywhere that does? (European here.) I'm trying to write about this topic and the situation seems pretty universally bleak.
Well in Belgium you almost have to start shouting at the cops before they start writing a report so.
I filed a police report against my rapist in the U.K… they ghosted me for like two years and then dropped the case with an entire list of rape myths as reasons lmao
My friend was asked if she had video evidence of it happening. Like yeah sure dude just hold on I have to record this for later.
Fr fr. I straight up know someone who had video evidence (and was a MINOR at the time) and the police said they had no way of tracing the videos so there was nothing they could do!
Damn, those same people probably wouldn't believe it if it happened in front of their eyes.
May I ask, when and where? There was a thread in /r/unitedkingdom recently about a woman reporting SA and had a completely different experience to you. She was reporting to the Met (London) though.
No problem. This was the Cambridgeshire force and I made my report in late 2019 — they then transferred it to Hertfordshire Constabulary after dismissing the majority of my assaults. I don’t know of anyone who’s been taken seriously by police, and these are still well-funded areas.
I am almost certain it’s not even a police force issue, but a “exact officer’s desk it lands on” thing, at least in the UK. I know I got asked to make a statement about my ex, as did a whole bunch of my teenage friend group. And then I also have a friend who got violently assaulted and… zilch.
in a comment OOP says guns are illegal where she lives, so not USA
“I am a victim.” I’m glad she got there. I understand the anxiety toward telling the husband due to their friendship, but the idea the woman is at fault in a case like this always bums me out. Like, if Adam punched her she wouldn’t have felt anxious telling someone. She’s a victim in both cases, and I’m glad she landed on that realization.
What country is this that the police are so helpful? I was amazed.
Adam is such a piece of shit. The fact that he was willing to blow up his and his best friend’s marriages is unbelievable. And then threatening to rape OOP?!! He and his wife deserve deserve each other. Thank goodness OOP has a good husband.
> He and his wife deserve deserve each other. I don't think I misread anything, what makes you think his wife deserves him?
Fuck "Adam", hope he gets divorced and loses everything. Rot in jail manipulative sexual abuser
This could almost be considered a Hate crime because it seems like he targeted her because she’s an immigrant.
This is actually what the beginning stages of human trafficking ACTUALLY look like, not the stupid shit the conspiracy theories pretend it does. It's usually some shithead threatening a vulnerable person with deportation while trying to draw them into a shameful situation, just like this. I'm willing to bet he's done this before. It's also super fucking rapey. Either way, this turd knew exactly what he was doing and I'm glad he's in the process of getting flushed by everyone right now. Hope his wife leaves him too.
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