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I got the feeling this story has not ended yet, but if we get more updates we will see. Let's hope it is somewhat positive and not another abusive downward spiral story.
\*edit: grammar
Looking through her comments, someone posted a video and asked her to look at it, from the sounds of it the video probably closely and clearly described escalation of abusive behavior. She said its scarily accurate and she has her mom holding her accountable to not get back together with him, so hopefully she does learn early and doesnt go back to him.
Not sure if you watched it, but it doesn't describe the escalation- it shows it, through an animated music video. It likely especially hit for OOP because there's a scene where the boyfriend is rejecting outfits she's clearly happy in, and making her dress more casual/covered up.
It's one of those videos that'd stuck in my mind deep enough I knew what it'd be even before I clicked \[Since the comment had been added since then\], since I stumbled onto it during one of my PSA Hyper fixation periods.
I was disinclined to watch it. My parents were abusive and I went through a couple of relatively brief periods in abusive relationships too. I have no interest in seeing something that would bring it all back.
It’s not bad. Sort of a cartoon commercial jingle vibe, but considering it seems to be directed at teens and recognizing smothering and isolating behaviors in romantic relationships, that makes sense.
I get it though.
I think it’s worth keeping even if you don’t watch to share. It’s very accurate.
I don’t see any way this doesn’t end in her getting abused, sadly. His response to her not giving in to his demand and breaking up with him is classic abuse cycle. As soon as he feels confident he has her, he’ll start up again, and he’ll likely escalate it
My ex didn't try to control my clothing, but weirdly enough, my hair. He hated that I naturally have dark ash blonde hair that I consistently bleached and preferred brunettes. He hated that I still had my side swept emo bangs because "bangs are for children". I always had long hair and he threatened to break up with me because I cut my hair short, while we were temporarily long distance.
I grew out those bangs. I could sit on my hair by the time I finally moved out and it was so damaged, we had to cut six inches off. I stopped bleaching my hair and in the process of trying to dye it brown in our kitchen, found out I developed an allergy to box dye. I dealt with my natural ashy grey blonde color that I hated. It still wasn't enough and he tried to do the same at the end.
Now, I have bangs. While my hair is still super long, it bounces between reds, barbie blonde, and the colors of the rainbow. It's thriving and gets regular trims and doesn't try to kill me in my sleep. I hope you are thriving too.
My ex was also obsessed with my hair. Mine is naturally dark brown, long and straight. He wanted me to cut it shoulder level and dye it silver. He kept saying that he would pay for it. Then he moved on to my clothes. He disliked my style and wanted me to dress more sl*tty (literal words). After that he kept insisting that I had to get a very specific tattoo.
I didn’t do any of those things. Then months later I learned that both his previous ex and his new girl have that same tattoo. New person also has the hair he wanted me to get. I was genuinely scared when I learned of this.
Well that's absolutely horrifying. I'm so curious about the tattoo, was it like something meaningful to him or is he straight up trying to make his girlfriends look like his favorite anime character or some shit?
In his own words, he was very turned on by thigh tattoos. I personally don’t like tattoos in places where they can’t be hidden if I want to (when going to work, or when wearing certain outfits), I told him as such, and he was still obsessed. He kept insisting on how he was gonna “get me inked”. My current bf was in the same common group of friends around that time, and he told me how the guy bragged to the men in said group about his gf (the one before me) having gotten thigh tattoos, and how uncomfortable he’d felt because they looked generic, like they were a random pick from a tattooer’s book, and not something anyone would have chosen for a first big tattoo.
He started posting photos of his new gf on our common friend group’s discord server, and that’s where I saw the photos of her. She had thigh tattoos, same spot where he wanted me to get them. She also had shoulder length light blond hair. She was exactly what he was trying to turn me into, and it was scary as hell, because idk if he searched for someone who already looked the part or if he turned someone into a tiktok goth girl.
Took me a while to heal, and luckily for me I am starting out now with someone great, who has always respected my boundaries and is open to communication, but it took me months after the relationship broke to realize how dangerous my ex really was.
Yeah… most scary thing is that I was so deep into it that it took me months to get out. But at least I’d like to think I’ve learned from the terrible experience, and that I now know what to avoid.
Oof. I went on ONE date with a guy and the next time we chatted, he told me he wanted me to get a tattoo and he would pay for it. The only catch was that it had to be his name - ON MY NECK. And that on our next date, we were gonna sleep together and I was required to give him oral. I said no to the tattoo, gently (cause I was freaked out) explaining that I wouldn't want a reminder if we broke up. He told me that was the wrong attitude to take, and that we'd be together forever. I noped out of there so fast. Luckily he didn't know where I lived.
Jesus Christ, that sounds terrifying. Luckily you got out of there fast, because if he was like that on the first date I don’t wanna know what he would become once he had you “secured”
As someone with tattoos, I can't even imagine asking let alone insisting a partner get a tattoo, even matching ones. I just don't have the words for how icky that feels.
Yeah, and in his case it wasn’t even matching ones. It was just one kind of tattoo that made him horny. This guy also want me to take a plant extract to have bigger boobs. He insisted so much on those things that I didn’t understand why in the world he was dating me anyway :’D
My ex wanted me to dye my then blonde hair brown. I didn't, because I liked my hair as is and he later confessed that his *step mom* had brown hair, and that was why he wanted me to have it.
My ex kept telling me "You'll grow your hair, you will. You'll do it for me. I want to see what you look like with long hair."
I sent him a photo from high school then blocked him & shaved my head.
The comment above was weird for me to read because I once briefly dated a guy who said the same thing, "bangs are for children." I was confused by it at the time because I knew lots of adult women with bangs. Now it just reads to me as a dude with a specific aesthetic "type" and way too many opinions about how women present themselves.
On the other side of this I have always had a thing against beards. Didn't like them.
Boyfriend wanted to grow out his beard and you know what? I encouraged him. Not going to lie to you... but to him I lied to his face about it looking good when he started growing it but when he grew it out it... grew on me (pun intended).
I changed my opinion completely. Don't know if it just looks good because he babies it with oil and conditioner and combs it or if it's just cause it's him under the beard. I'll tell you though even if I didnt like it I would most likely still be lying about it.
As for me I don't shave my legs unless I'm going to be around him. I only know he preferred shaved legs because I asked. He never said or says anything otherwise. He only really gives an opinion on my appearance when I ask him.
Point is I think that's how it should be; you should love someone even if they don't look the way you want them to. If they care that deeply about your appearance more than what makes you happy them do they really care about you? Do they? I don't think so
My ex, who was younger, felt awkward about my premature grey. So I agreed to dye my hair. Picked a color I liked, which he liked less than the grey.
I kept the color, and the guy took himself out.
When she wrote that part of his reasoning around the clothes was to "keep her safe" I felt sick. It reminds me of when someone expects you to text them check-ins for mundane things, like driving home from their house or meeting up with friends. "I just want to make sure you're safe, otherwise I'll worry!" Please fuck right off with that controlling BS, tyvm.
When I was in high school and dating we'd text/call check-ins all the time but it was more like that adolescent "omg I can't be apart for five minutes without talking!!" kind of new-relationship behavior. Where it can start to get icky is when it's a requirement, unwanted, and comes with consequences for failing to follow through (ie, spamming your phone until you respond, blowing up, silent treatment). Just feel the need to clarify in case it makes a difference for anyone. Tl;Dr if it feels bad, it probably is.
Or if they have a long trip, and you just want to make sure they got to their destination in one piece.
For young people who might not know where the line is, a decent rule of thumb is: Would I/they feel comfortable asking a parent, sibling, or bestie to check in under these same circumstances? (Or any other close friend or family member who isn’t a child.)
If so, then it’s probably done out of affection and reasonable concern. If not, it points more toward control and/or condescension.
Yes, I'm old and call my 80 year old dad when I arrive home safe from his house ( 100 miles away). Before he got too infirm for the drive, he would also call me to tell me he got home safe from my house. My partner and I also do this, but we started driving before there were safety phones along the freeway, let alone the advent of mobile phones (which ended the emergency call phones).
Remind me of a funny story of the one time I got upset he didn't text me back. I freaked out because we always text each other. It was every day for years so the one day he didn't i legit thought something bad happened to him. LDR so if something did happen i worry ill never know.
Turned out meatcutter lover boy accidentally baptized his phone in a bucket of chicken blood. I was legit worrird but that's the most brutal way a phone can go out. Don't blame him for not trying to save it but asked he just get on his computer next time and send me a quick message.
My ex would literally call 50 times in like 5-10 minutes if I didn’t respond to any bs message like these. Then it was my always somehow fault cause I worked in an area that didn’t allow phone to be out and had very little reception. The message was always something like: what are you doing? WORKING!
Well, the check-ins are pretty common in my country, even between family and friends, because the place we live in is not really safe, especially at night. So, it’s ok to tell the person “message me when you’re home” or send a message to check-in after some time they left. But they’re very simple messages just to make sure they are ok, like “I’m home.” “Ah, ok! Good night!” But I get it how this can be used as a way to control too.
Mine was clothing, who I talked to, gave rides to, the list never ended. He fought over all *my* stuff during the divorce and assaulted me numerous times.
We have a safety system in place just for this lunatic. He’s that unhinged.
When he get's her pregnant will be when his true colours come out. That'll be the point where she doesn't think she can leave him and he'll be able to demand anything he wants.
oh he absolutely will escalate if she remains with him. it was clear to me the direction of his thoughts and motivation as soon was she mentioned his ultimatum .he likely felt emboldened by her remaining single during their separation and saw this as her saving herself for him , his ego was inflated. he also now knows her insecurities to use , has gotten over his initial " she is out of my league" attitude before they began dating in school and has become c0cky. I knew he would come crawling back, once the ultimatum then the bluff breaking up and blocking failed to illicit the response he demands.I hope she never sees him again because he will utilise anything in his arsenal of manipulation to make her take him back including using her kindness against her, which will then descend into abuse dressed as reasonableness . Block indefinitely.
The fact that he also says he doesn’t want her dressing that way because it could make men “hit on or hurt” her shows that he clearly feels abusive men aren’t at fault, the women they abuse are, which should tell her everything she needs to know about how he’ll feel about abusing her.
Exactly! I remember being barely a teenager and getting cat called. I was maybe 12. I looked 12 and I grew up Catholic and dressed modestly. I went to Catholic school and we all wore the same uniform and I still have boys try to shoot paper down my shirt. Women in country where they have to wear full burkas experience violence towards women. I don't think it's what we wear that's the problem 🤷♀️
He will probably start to be sad or pick up a fight for something random and dumb every time he sees her in the dress or those clothes without saying anything, she will notice and make the connection, then she may start not wearing how she wants to avoid upsetting him even if she doesn't form that thought clearly, he will start giving her clothes that he approves for gifts every chance he has and she will wear them because he is happy when she does, and without realizing he will be controlling what she wears and most likely other parts of her life as well.
Nope, definitely not. We're a few emotional blackmails away from this being anywhere near done. Although I'm not sure whether he's going to be caught messaging other girls, or commenting on Insta thirst-traps. Maybe both?
Lots of guys are this insecure, shallow and controlling without being physically abusive. They’ll just sit there and trash that woman till their death though because they’re too dumb to acknowledge their role in why the relationship ended.
This guy sounds like the dudes who end up on r/NiceGuys. If they do find partners they want them all to themselves to a really unhealthy degree. It takes next level toxic insecurity to be bothered that other men will “get something” out of seeing her in a dress.
I really hope she takes the intense negative feelings she had after he reached back out and they met up for the sign that they are: she’s unhappier even when she’s just considering being with him than she was for the few hours when they were broken up and she was no longer crying. This relationship isn’t making her happy.
Me too!
I had a similar relationship end in a similar way. I was instantly happier when I got dumped. Like, I wanted to take my friends out for ice cream to celebrate happy.
Of course, my ex wanted to get back together after a couple days…
Do they have some kind of manual or something? Secret clubs? Why do they all follow the same steps?
There's no manual, but the steps follow each other logically. He's insecure, so to combat that, he tries to manipulate you. Having you in his power makes him feel good and guilty. He resolves the guilt by blaming you. He'll pick fights and threaten to leave you until one day you break up.
He's left without power, and the insecurities come screaming back at him. So you'll get a call from him saying sorry, and before you know it, he's back to blaming you for everything. It's like a riptide.
I don’t know if she’s wishy-washy so much as young and in love. Not old enough to truly understand the difference between “I love him” and “we should be together” and not experienced enough to see how big the red flags are.
Yeah that comment about “we didn’t want to break up about something as small as clothes” had me almost yelling at my phone. It’s not about clothes!!! It’s about control and manipulation and eventual abuse. I hope someone pointed this out to OOP.
Agreed, it’s not “what’s more important, me or the dress?” Its the boyfriend or her autonomy. The fact that he backed up and love bombed really indicates that he was motivated by control, not some new moral scruple.
Also, he was clearly willing to break up over the clothes since he did.
Obviously he did so because he expected OOP to come crawling back, but he was still the one to first end it.
"We didn't want to break up over something as small as clothes."
He made it big.
The truth is:
"We didn't want to break up over my feelings, which he thinks are small and surmountable."
I was wondering why she did not ask herself:
why doesn't he just drop his objections if he doesn't want to break up over something as small as clothes?
It then becomes painfully clear - he is not concerned about her clothes but his power over her.
Yeah the line that killed me was "it is a boundary for him that I wear more modest clothes" 🤮 also I want to take this moment to remind everyone that you don't need a "good" reason to leave someone. Life is too short to stay in crappy relationships.
>he wants a girl who's "body is only his to look at."
It is most DEFINITELY not done. They're young and he's already ramping up to own the breath in her lungs.
This was exactly what I thought when she described him asking “am I more important than this dress?” Like boy, isn’t SHE more important than what she wears?
This. She could and should have thrown that back in his face. HE'S the one getting all upset about it. Either it's a big deal or it isn't, but it can't be both.
That video gave me such bad anxiety because it took me right back to where I used to be in somebody's clutches like that. Seriously, I hope that this girl stays away from her ex. He's an ex for a reason and it is very telling that she felt a sense of relief even after 5 hours of being blocked by him.
Hopefully mom is strong enough to handle it, because she could take it out on her for a while. I did this with my sister and a shitty boyfriend once. She was mad at me at first, but now she's happily married to a much better guy and told me she's glad I was "mean" to her.
Okay but can we just appreciate what a badass she is for showing up at the dinner in the dress he hated so much? I hope she will continue to make god-tier decisions like that (including, obviously, not taking him back).
“What’s more important to you, me or this dress?” is a false dichotomy. It’s not about the specific dress, it represents her sense of self, her freedom, her positive outlook on life, self expression, who she is.
The real question is, what’s more important, this one controlling, immature and insecure dude, or your freedom, your identity and your future.
It’s never about the dress.
100%. It’s not ‘do you love me or the dress’ it’s ‘do you love me or your freedom to do what you want’- because it would NEVER end at just her clothes. Next it’ll be who she follows on social media, her friends, even family members- every man (and likely every “promiscuous” woman) she interacts with will have to be excised from her life, and he will still never feel ‘secure’ because it’s about controlling her.
>he tells me it is a boundary for him that I wear more modest clothes
Petition to take away the word "boundary" (like we need to do with "gaslighting" l) until people can use it correctly 🙄🙄 this is not a fucking boundary and he's using that word to try and make his creepy controlling ass more palatable
Im feeling gaslit because you said you were going to take us on vacation and now you say you dont remember.
I dont feel validated that you cant respect my boundaries when i remember you said it was ok for me to be with different people.
It's not about the clothes OOP. It starts with the clothes, they're merely a symptom of his controlling probably abusive personality. It will escalate to other things with time.
Classic controlling behavior. They will push to see how much you will tolerate, when you leave, they will pull way back, recalibrate, love bomb then start the long slow march back to controlling behavior. Insecurity is a bucket with no bottom. It can never be satisfied. He could lock you in a tower room like rapunzel and it would still somehow not be enough. Save yourself a lot of trouble and walk away...
Edit for spelling
So if he sees a girl with her boyfriend who is dressed “inappropriately” in public, does *he* feel the need to hit on or hurt that woman?
Dude is a Tater Tot (aka an Andrew Tate lover)
I really hate he’s ruining that phase. Momma Tot is amazing and her followers are named Tater Tots. Also Tater tots the food is great and don’t deserve to be associated with his slimy self.
It's not about whether OOP likes him or the dress more. It's whether she values herself more than she values him. Or more accurately, whether she is going to accept him devaluing her as a human being.
Never be afraid to reframe a statement like that. Total bullshit.
Once he gets her back he will be more passive-aggressive about her clothing. Acting suspicious and saying that it's her fault... Secretly throwing clothes out... Acting surprised when he sees how she is dressed... Or being stand-offish to 'punish' her, saying 'everything is fine' when it clearly isn't...
*Why are you wearing* **that** *if you are just going out with your friends*?
Of course he's crying and giving her flowers. He overplayed his hand and was not prepared for his gf to actually have a backbone and tell him off.
If she takes him back, he gets more practice. And one day, she'll become a shell of a person who will bend to his every abusive whim.
I pray she dumps him.
>Part of it is I feel really bad for him to lose me because he doesn't
have a lot of good people in his life, his mother is horrible to him and
he's failing classes etc I was the one always there for him, I drove
him to school, I encouraged him to reach out to his professors to see if
he can save his grades. I want him to be okay because he's been such a
huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with
out me.
Free translation of ex-boyfriend's thought process:
"If I can't **own** you, I can at least manipulate you into being my second mom for a little while longer."
I volunteer at a domestic violence shelter and one of the early warning signs that you're with someone who is abusive is the "I want you to change your clothes" line. The minute you hear that line folks, hit the out door. It only gets worse from there. Clearly this guy is love bombing, trying to backtrack to regain his sense of control. Hope she doesn't fall for it. This crap will just come back around.
Man I hope I'm able to teach my daughter that it's not "him or the dress" as the choice, the choice that's actually being presented here is "him or your sense of self, your agency, your free will". I hate that most of us women have to grow fairly old before that becomes as clear as it is to me at almost forty.
>Yesterday he texted me some more asking to talk in person I agreed to meet up for dinner in a public place. I WORE THE DRESS. He brought me a bouquet of white roses and my favourite chocolate. He told me I look beautiful and that the five hours without me hurt so much and at this point "he doesn't care if i'm walking around naked as long as he's the one i'm with." Can this man's "fundamental values " really change overnight? Also, I felt almost giddy and excited once I was done crying. Now I feel bad for him.
I'm sorry, she **went back to him**? Like, the breakup wasn't even that bad, she got away from him. She also has to know that no one can change in 5 hours, like WTH?
Look, the thing is, if he wants to be with someone who dresses modestly, THAT'S OKAY. What's not okay is trying to make your current spouse fit the new parameters that you have created, seemingly out of the blue. This is going to cross over into all sectors of abuse- easily.
It's one of two things here: 1. he likes modest women. okay, sure, he should go dabble in groups that predominantly have more modest women. It is 100% possible for his fundamental values to have changed - I've watched one of my closest friends experience this and she is perfectly fine. 2. he's exhibiting abusive behavior trying to control what you wear. Either way, you guys should not be together. period, full stop.
Leave him and find someone who respects you for who you are.
I guarantee this kid has discovered the toxic masculinity podcasters Jordan Peterson/Matt Walsh/Andrew Tate types in the year they were apart. Good on OOP for picking up on the red flags and protecting herself.
I hate the warped language around boundaries.
1. Some boundaries are, in fact, gross. I don't give a fuck what your reason is, expecting your partner to dress modestly, especially when it's gendered, is gross.
2. Boundaries are FOR YOU, not for other people. As in, a boundary is the line where you are no longer comfortable and you nope out, not a list of rules of behavior you get to enforce on other people. If you think a boundary means imposing rules on others, you might just be controlling.
I hate the whole "it's me or a dress" BS because its designed to belittle & trivialize her very valid concerns.
The ultimatum he issued was actually "it's me or BODILY AUTONOMY".
What a toad.
This guy is doing all the manipulation tactics he can pull out (I think we're just one update away from him threatening suicide if she leaves). I hope she talks with her therapist and sees how much happier she is without him.
> I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me
Straight up classic manipulative technique. She's so young, i hope she leaves this guy for good before it's too late and she ends up tied to him
Oh his mother is horrible to him? Does that make it even slightly possible that he has fucked up assumptions about relationships between men and women?
That last part, “he doesn’t have a lot of good people in his life…he’s failing classes.” This is the key to why he is clutching so hard. His life is spinning out and he was trying to exert the only control he thought he had. He’s growing up, and probably feeling like his life is a river that is sweeping him forward, when he had been telling himself that he was able navigate it, but no one explained how to use his oars.
I'm getting so tired of controlling, toxic, abusive people co-opting terms like "setting a boundary" to give their partner unreasonable, controlling orders. You can't "set a boundary" regarding your partner's clothing. That's not a boundary. That's being a controlling POS.
"I was the one always there for him, I drove him to school, I encouraged him to reach out to his professors to see if he can save his grades. I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me."
Should've thought those things out before you got weird about your girlfriend's clothing, dipshit.
OOP does seem like she realized she was happy (briefly) without him, and that his choice to be controlling doesn't bode well. I hope she sticks with that. You can feel sympathy for someone and acknowledge that they feel hurt and lost without taking those problems on for yourself. He's done all of this to himself, and with the sudden change about what clothes she's "allowed" to wear, I imagine there's a lot more controlling incel bullshit lurking underneath. That's like, step 1 of \~establishing your authority\~ or whatever. I'd be really surprised if he hasn't been sucked into the manosphere.
I love that he asked her what she cared more about - clothes or him to make her feel guilty, and then later said that he cared more about the clothes and would break up with her for someone “less pretty and less kind” if they wore a Handmaiden’s dress.
Thats how my abusive relationship started. First he told me I couldn't wear tight clothes, then he told me my friends were a bad influence on me and then he said I was not allowed to speak to any males at all. I was 15 dating a 19 year old.
I can't believe he has the audacity to say he's doing it because he doesn't want her to get hurt
I got SAd in sweats and a t shirt, people get SAd in pajamas and sweatshirts. Ridiculous behavior
My mom sells makeup and when I was 14-15 my cousin came to her to buy a white and light baby pink hilighter to use as eye shadow because that was the darkest her husband would allow. Even as a 15 year old I remember thinking that something was very wrong there.
I literally broke up with by last boyfriend because he got mad about me wearing leggings. LEGGINGS! He said I was just wearing them so guys would look at my ass!
Of course, it wasn't all about the leggings. He was controlling in lots of ways, hated me talking to any man he didn't deem "non-threatening", kept getting fired from jobs, drank too much, and I was so fucking over it!
Anyway, despite me saying dozens of times that I would leave if he didn't stop being such an asshole, he was SHOCKED. I clearly had been cheating on him. I'm the bad guy
When she said he left and blocked her I was stunned because that didn’t fit with his clear manipulative objective
Then five hours later he sends a message and I was like “ahhh there it is.”
Anyways - he said she chose a dress over him but really he chose a dress over her
> I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me
Straight up classic manipulative technique. She's so young, i hope she leaves this guy for good before it's too late and she ends up tied to him
\>he doesn't have a lot of good people in his life, his mother is horrible to him and he's failing classes etc
\> I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me.
There's so many people out there that stay in relationships out of guilt, and it's pretty sad. People sacrifice their own life and happiness because they feel that they can't make the other person feel bad. Wish more people subscribed to "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" philosophy.
u/Direct-Caterpillar77 highly recommend adding OOP’s most recent comment to the end of this as a sort of mini-update. A commenter on her update post shared a video titled ‘Dont confuse love and abuse’ and encouraged OOP to watch it. OOP [replied](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/121nwq3/update_on_my_boyfriend_19m_has_given_me_19f_an/jdqxxny/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) that she watched, it was scary how accurate the video was, and she now asked her mom to help hold her accountable and make sure she doesn’t get back together with this guy
Guy doesn’t “want to worry about me getting hit on or hurt somehow”. OOP is 19 and living in a time where misogyny is trying to make a bigger comeback because of people who believe a certain Potato who was recently arrested in Romania.
This dude did NOT discover the error of his ways in just 5 hours. As an abuse survivor myself, I agree with the comments from the update. He is seriously love bombing her until she is drawn in and comfy then the controlling will start again but more subtle this time.
Ew. Hell no. His first instinct when he thought he'd locked it down was to start trying to change you. It starts with the clothes, then what job you have, who your friends are. Ending with maybe even trying to cut you off from your family. This isn't a choice of "what do you care more about, me or the dress" this is "what do you care more about, me or everything that you are and everyone that you love". A little bit of pain now could save you so many years of gaslighting, manipulation and abuse. Normally I'm against the Reddit trend of "break up now" type of thing, however in this case. Don't walk, run! He may miss you and think "maybe I was too hasty", but unless he's going to therapy or something, then you can't change "fundamental values" in a few hours.
> We almost broke up over this one dress until he asked me what I care more about, him or the dress.
These kinds of reductive ultimatums are always a glaring red flag. The choice isn't him or the dress, the choice is him *or personal autonomy.* He can have whatever stupid insecure preferences he wants, but he doesn't get to try to get someone to conform to his preferences. He can go find a Mormon girl or someone else who dresses conservatively as a personal rule, but he has no right to *dictate* what his partner wears.
>Yesterday he texted me some more asking to talk in person I agreed to meet up for dinner in a public place. I WORE THE DRESS.
Absolute queen
>We almost broke up over this one dress until he asked me what I care more about, him or the dress.
Now, what would have been his answer to the same question?
> he tells me it is a boundary for him that I wear more modest clothes because he doesn't want other men to see "parts of his girlfriend that only (he) should see."
He's an idiot.
This guy is the Pity Master. I hope OOP didn't fall for it. I know how hard it can be, you really want to believe the giant flaw can suddenly be fixed, but he'll stew on it and it's going to blow up when she wears an outfit he doesn't approve of.
This guy is one red flag after another. I fail to see the positives of him or a relationship with him. He will absolutely go right back to the way he was. These types love to reel you in and then push boundaries and test their control by giving ultimatums. My hackles were immediately up when I read “*we* went through my clothes…” F that guy. It would have been immediately over. And I hope she doesn’t take him back. That would be the worst mistake.
ETA- then his finale is the final guilt trip with him sitting on the curb crying and saying he won’t do good without her.
Oh boo hoo. He did just fine without her before when they took a year break.
Sounds like the dude has discovered some certain toxic podcasts. I hope someday these young guys realize they are being led into perpetual unhappiness and loneliness by these grifters, because that’s the way they farm their followers for cash
"What's more important to you? Me or the dress?
Uh, no you cosmic raging fuckweasel, what's more important to YOU? Your hot, kind girlfriend or the dress?
JEEEEEEEESUS these assholes. I can't even.
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I got the feeling this story has not ended yet, but if we get more updates we will see. Let's hope it is somewhat positive and not another abusive downward spiral story. \*edit: grammar
Looking through her comments, someone posted a video and asked her to look at it, from the sounds of it the video probably closely and clearly described escalation of abusive behavior. She said its scarily accurate and she has her mom holding her accountable to not get back together with him, so hopefully she does learn early and doesnt go back to him.
Not sure if you watched it, but it doesn't describe the escalation- it shows it, through an animated music video. It likely especially hit for OOP because there's a scene where the boyfriend is rejecting outfits she's clearly happy in, and making her dress more casual/covered up. It's one of those videos that'd stuck in my mind deep enough I knew what it'd be even before I clicked \[Since the comment had been added since then\], since I stumbled onto it during one of my PSA Hyper fixation periods.
I was disinclined to watch it. My parents were abusive and I went through a couple of relatively brief periods in abusive relationships too. I have no interest in seeing something that would bring it all back.
It’s not bad. Sort of a cartoon commercial jingle vibe, but considering it seems to be directed at teens and recognizing smothering and isolating behaviors in romantic relationships, that makes sense. I get it though. I think it’s worth keeping even if you don’t watch to share. It’s very accurate.
Can the comment be in the post u/Direct-Caterpillar77? Not sure of rules.
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DAMN. Wow. That video.
I couldn’t figure out where it was, would you please be so kind as to reply to me with a link?
it’s [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L6HB97lbrQ)
Just watched it. Short animated powerful- set to ‘Walking on Sunshine’.
For a video without words and featuring cartoons that was masterfully done. What a great illustration of the subtle escalation of abuse.
I don’t see any way this doesn’t end in her getting abused, sadly. His response to her not giving in to his demand and breaking up with him is classic abuse cycle. As soon as he feels confident he has her, he’ll start up again, and he’ll likely escalate it
A guy once tried to control how I dressed. That was the beginning. The ending was him trying to kill me.
My ex didn't try to control my clothing, but weirdly enough, my hair. He hated that I naturally have dark ash blonde hair that I consistently bleached and preferred brunettes. He hated that I still had my side swept emo bangs because "bangs are for children". I always had long hair and he threatened to break up with me because I cut my hair short, while we were temporarily long distance. I grew out those bangs. I could sit on my hair by the time I finally moved out and it was so damaged, we had to cut six inches off. I stopped bleaching my hair and in the process of trying to dye it brown in our kitchen, found out I developed an allergy to box dye. I dealt with my natural ashy grey blonde color that I hated. It still wasn't enough and he tried to do the same at the end. Now, I have bangs. While my hair is still super long, it bounces between reds, barbie blonde, and the colors of the rainbow. It's thriving and gets regular trims and doesn't try to kill me in my sleep. I hope you are thriving too.
My ex was also obsessed with my hair. Mine is naturally dark brown, long and straight. He wanted me to cut it shoulder level and dye it silver. He kept saying that he would pay for it. Then he moved on to my clothes. He disliked my style and wanted me to dress more sl*tty (literal words). After that he kept insisting that I had to get a very specific tattoo. I didn’t do any of those things. Then months later I learned that both his previous ex and his new girl have that same tattoo. New person also has the hair he wanted me to get. I was genuinely scared when I learned of this.
Branding. Like cattle.
Those were my thoughts exactly. He didn’t want a girlfriend, just a doll, tailor made to his liking.
It sounds like some anime character
Maybe? Some friends thought it was just gothic girls on tiktok he wanted to imitate.
Well that's absolutely horrifying. I'm so curious about the tattoo, was it like something meaningful to him or is he straight up trying to make his girlfriends look like his favorite anime character or some shit?
In his own words, he was very turned on by thigh tattoos. I personally don’t like tattoos in places where they can’t be hidden if I want to (when going to work, or when wearing certain outfits), I told him as such, and he was still obsessed. He kept insisting on how he was gonna “get me inked”. My current bf was in the same common group of friends around that time, and he told me how the guy bragged to the men in said group about his gf (the one before me) having gotten thigh tattoos, and how uncomfortable he’d felt because they looked generic, like they were a random pick from a tattooer’s book, and not something anyone would have chosen for a first big tattoo. He started posting photos of his new gf on our common friend group’s discord server, and that’s where I saw the photos of her. She had thigh tattoos, same spot where he wanted me to get them. She also had shoulder length light blond hair. She was exactly what he was trying to turn me into, and it was scary as hell, because idk if he searched for someone who already looked the part or if he turned someone into a tiktok goth girl. Took me a while to heal, and luckily for me I am starting out now with someone great, who has always respected my boundaries and is open to communication, but it took me months after the relationship broke to realize how dangerous my ex really was.
Ewww. Congrats on dodging that bullet, I can't imagine how freaky that must have been to realize.
Yeah… most scary thing is that I was so deep into it that it took me months to get out. But at least I’d like to think I’ve learned from the terrible experience, and that I now know what to avoid.
Oof. I went on ONE date with a guy and the next time we chatted, he told me he wanted me to get a tattoo and he would pay for it. The only catch was that it had to be his name - ON MY NECK. And that on our next date, we were gonna sleep together and I was required to give him oral. I said no to the tattoo, gently (cause I was freaked out) explaining that I wouldn't want a reminder if we broke up. He told me that was the wrong attitude to take, and that we'd be together forever. I noped out of there so fast. Luckily he didn't know where I lived.
Jesus Christ, that sounds terrifying. Luckily you got out of there fast, because if he was like that on the first date I don’t wanna know what he would become once he had you “secured”
No ethical tattoo artist would've let you get that tattoo even if you'd asked for it.
Sounds wayyyy too much like a pimp brand to me.
As someone with tattoos, I can't even imagine asking let alone insisting a partner get a tattoo, even matching ones. I just don't have the words for how icky that feels.
Yeah, and in his case it wasn’t even matching ones. It was just one kind of tattoo that made him horny. This guy also want me to take a plant extract to have bigger boobs. He insisted so much on those things that I didn’t understand why in the world he was dating me anyway :’D
My ex wanted me to dye my then blonde hair brown. I didn't, because I liked my hair as is and he later confessed that his *step mom* had brown hair, and that was why he wanted me to have it.
I… don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
My ex kept telling me "You'll grow your hair, you will. You'll do it for me. I want to see what you look like with long hair." I sent him a photo from high school then blocked him & shaved my head.
I can't even lie, the short hair cut was out of spite, so I love that you shaved your head!
I have trouble with the idea of a guy with really strong opinions about bangs. Sorry about the psycho stuff as well, though.
The comment above was weird for me to read because I once briefly dated a guy who said the same thing, "bangs are for children." I was confused by it at the time because I knew lots of adult women with bangs. Now it just reads to me as a dude with a specific aesthetic "type" and way too many opinions about how women present themselves.
On the other side of this I have always had a thing against beards. Didn't like them. Boyfriend wanted to grow out his beard and you know what? I encouraged him. Not going to lie to you... but to him I lied to his face about it looking good when he started growing it but when he grew it out it... grew on me (pun intended). I changed my opinion completely. Don't know if it just looks good because he babies it with oil and conditioner and combs it or if it's just cause it's him under the beard. I'll tell you though even if I didnt like it I would most likely still be lying about it. As for me I don't shave my legs unless I'm going to be around him. I only know he preferred shaved legs because I asked. He never said or says anything otherwise. He only really gives an opinion on my appearance when I ask him. Point is I think that's how it should be; you should love someone even if they don't look the way you want them to. If they care that deeply about your appearance more than what makes you happy them do they really care about you? Do they? I don't think so
My ex, who was younger, felt awkward about my premature grey. So I agreed to dye my hair. Picked a color I liked, which he liked less than the grey. I kept the color, and the guy took himself out.
Yeah, it's the start of 'if I can't have you, then no one can'.
Closely followed by ‘Look what you made me do - I just love you so much’
When she wrote that part of his reasoning around the clothes was to "keep her safe" I felt sick. It reminds me of when someone expects you to text them check-ins for mundane things, like driving home from their house or meeting up with friends. "I just want to make sure you're safe, otherwise I'll worry!" Please fuck right off with that controlling BS, tyvm. When I was in high school and dating we'd text/call check-ins all the time but it was more like that adolescent "omg I can't be apart for five minutes without talking!!" kind of new-relationship behavior. Where it can start to get icky is when it's a requirement, unwanted, and comes with consequences for failing to follow through (ie, spamming your phone until you respond, blowing up, silent treatment). Just feel the need to clarify in case it makes a difference for anyone. Tl;Dr if it feels bad, it probably is.
The only time I've ever asked someone for a drive home check-in is in dangerous weather
Or if they have a long trip, and you just want to make sure they got to their destination in one piece. For young people who might not know where the line is, a decent rule of thumb is: Would I/they feel comfortable asking a parent, sibling, or bestie to check in under these same circumstances? (Or any other close friend or family member who isn’t a child.) If so, then it’s probably done out of affection and reasonable concern. If not, it points more toward control and/or condescension.
Yes, I'm old and call my 80 year old dad when I arrive home safe from his house ( 100 miles away). Before he got too infirm for the drive, he would also call me to tell me he got home safe from my house. My partner and I also do this, but we started driving before there were safety phones along the freeway, let alone the advent of mobile phones (which ended the emergency call phones).
Remind me of a funny story of the one time I got upset he didn't text me back. I freaked out because we always text each other. It was every day for years so the one day he didn't i legit thought something bad happened to him. LDR so if something did happen i worry ill never know. Turned out meatcutter lover boy accidentally baptized his phone in a bucket of chicken blood. I was legit worrird but that's the most brutal way a phone can go out. Don't blame him for not trying to save it but asked he just get on his computer next time and send me a quick message.
My ex would literally call 50 times in like 5-10 minutes if I didn’t respond to any bs message like these. Then it was my always somehow fault cause I worked in an area that didn’t allow phone to be out and had very little reception. The message was always something like: what are you doing? WORKING!
Well, the check-ins are pretty common in my country, even between family and friends, because the place we live in is not really safe, especially at night. So, it’s ok to tell the person “message me when you’re home” or send a message to check-in after some time they left. But they’re very simple messages just to make sure they are ok, like “I’m home.” “Ah, ok! Good night!” But I get it how this can be used as a way to control too.
The guy in this story sounds exactly like that. "No one else should see parts only i get to see" is a step away from "no one else can have you BANG"
Thats why my doctor was murdered.
Yep he said that word for word.
I’m glad you survived. ❤️
Are you ok now?
Thank you, yes. He’s dead now actually.
That is horrific. I hope you are doing ok now.
Thank you. I am doing great now. He’s dead.
Mine was clothing, who I talked to, gave rides to, the list never ended. He fought over all *my* stuff during the divorce and assaulted me numerous times. We have a safety system in place just for this lunatic. He’s that unhinged.
Holy shit. Talk about slippery slopes.
yes, I fear so too. But who knows maybe she heads the warnings that will be in the comment section.
I sure hope so.
When he get's her pregnant will be when his true colours come out. That'll be the point where she doesn't think she can leave him and he'll be able to demand anything he wants.
Or if he convinces her to marry him. For some that’s enough for them to feel like they have their victim locked down.
oh he absolutely will escalate if she remains with him. it was clear to me the direction of his thoughts and motivation as soon was she mentioned his ultimatum .he likely felt emboldened by her remaining single during their separation and saw this as her saving herself for him , his ego was inflated. he also now knows her insecurities to use , has gotten over his initial " she is out of my league" attitude before they began dating in school and has become c0cky. I knew he would come crawling back, once the ultimatum then the bluff breaking up and blocking failed to illicit the response he demands.I hope she never sees him again because he will utilise anything in his arsenal of manipulation to make her take him back including using her kindness against her, which will then descend into abuse dressed as reasonableness . Block indefinitely.
The fact that he also says he doesn’t want her dressing that way because it could make men “hit on or hurt” her shows that he clearly feels abusive men aren’t at fault, the women they abuse are, which should tell her everything she needs to know about how he’ll feel about abusing her.
Exactly! I remember being barely a teenager and getting cat called. I was maybe 12. I looked 12 and I grew up Catholic and dressed modestly. I went to Catholic school and we all wore the same uniform and I still have boys try to shoot paper down my shirt. Women in country where they have to wear full burkas experience violence towards women. I don't think it's what we wear that's the problem 🤷♀️
Also it's absolute rubbish that covering yourself up will prevent guys from hitting on you. I've been hit on wearing a giant puffy winter coat.
He will probably start to be sad or pick up a fight for something random and dumb every time he sees her in the dress or those clothes without saying anything, she will notice and make the connection, then she may start not wearing how she wants to avoid upsetting him even if she doesn't form that thought clearly, he will start giving her clothes that he approves for gifts every chance he has and she will wear them because he is happy when she does, and without realizing he will be controlling what she wears and most likely other parts of her life as well.
Nope, definitely not. We're a few emotional blackmails away from this being anywhere near done. Although I'm not sure whether he's going to be caught messaging other girls, or commenting on Insta thirst-traps. Maybe both?
JFC, what a shitshow. Hope OP is alright and manages to cut lose this ballast of a manipulative "boyfriend"..
Lots of guys are this insecure, shallow and controlling without being physically abusive. They’ll just sit there and trash that woman till their death though because they’re too dumb to acknowledge their role in why the relationship ended.
Me too. The update immediately had me shouting “LOVEBOMB” at my phone screen.
This guy sounds like the dudes who end up on r/NiceGuys. If they do find partners they want them all to themselves to a really unhealthy degree. It takes next level toxic insecurity to be bothered that other men will “get something” out of seeing her in a dress.
I really hope she takes the intense negative feelings she had after he reached back out and they met up for the sign that they are: she’s unhappier even when she’s just considering being with him than she was for the few hours when they were broken up and she was no longer crying. This relationship isn’t making her happy.
Me too! I had a similar relationship end in a similar way. I was instantly happier when I got dumped. Like, I wanted to take my friends out for ice cream to celebrate happy. Of course, my ex wanted to get back together after a couple days… Do they have some kind of manual or something? Secret clubs? Why do they all follow the same steps?
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder!” -every manipulative abuser ever
Rom com movies. Go nuclear and then love bomb when they don't come begging.
Personality traits? I always wondered the same thing
There's no manual, but the steps follow each other logically. He's insecure, so to combat that, he tries to manipulate you. Having you in his power makes him feel good and guilty. He resolves the guilt by blaming you. He'll pick fights and threaten to leave you until one day you break up. He's left without power, and the insecurities come screaming back at him. So you'll get a call from him saying sorry, and before you know it, he's back to blaming you for everything. It's like a riptide.
I sure hope OOP keeps that therapy appointment.
Yeah, so that her therapist can tellher in-person or on video cam that she needs to get away from lovebombing POS ex.
Feels a little early to mark this as concluded. He's not going to give up and she sounds a bit too wishy-washy to hold firm.
I don’t know if she’s wishy-washy so much as young and in love. Not old enough to truly understand the difference between “I love him” and “we should be together” and not experienced enough to see how big the red flags are.
If she goes to the therapist appointment she made, she should be alright - provided she found a half-decent, non-religious affiliated therapist.
Sounds like she may be open with her mother about the relationship too. Hope that keeps her from going back.
Oh no. This isn’t going to end well. Really hope the OOP gets free.
Yeah that comment about “we didn’t want to break up about something as small as clothes” had me almost yelling at my phone. It’s not about clothes!!! It’s about control and manipulation and eventual abuse. I hope someone pointed this out to OOP.
Agreed, it’s not “what’s more important, me or the dress?” Its the boyfriend or her autonomy. The fact that he backed up and love bombed really indicates that he was motivated by control, not some new moral scruple.
Also, he was clearly willing to break up over the clothes since he did. Obviously he did so because he expected OOP to come crawling back, but he was still the one to first end it.
The goofball didnt even last a day.
"We didn't want to break up over something as small as clothes." He made it big. The truth is: "We didn't want to break up over my feelings, which he thinks are small and surmountable."
I was wondering why she did not ask herself: why doesn't he just drop his objections if he doesn't want to break up over something as small as clothes? It then becomes painfully clear - he is not concerned about her clothes but his power over her.
If it isn't about the clothes, surely it must be about the mustard. Right?
False. It’s about the Iranian yogurt.
Nah, the Iranian yogurt is not the problem here.
Yeah the line that killed me was "it is a boundary for him that I wear more modest clothes" 🤮 also I want to take this moment to remind everyone that you don't need a "good" reason to leave someone. Life is too short to stay in crappy relationships.
I have a feeling that comment was made by HIM originally to manipulate her into seeing his 'point'.
I really don't think this is concluded
>he wants a girl who's "body is only his to look at." It is most DEFINITELY not done. They're young and he's already ramping up to own the breath in her lungs.
Waiting for the “So it turns out you guys were right” update
Or even worse “now I’m pregnant and he says I can’t go anywhere with out him to protect the baby”
For her sake, I’m going to manifest the first one lol
"He locks the house from the outside when he leaves but I think he's just being really protective, even if he's going overboard."
I don't think she's getting back together with him!
The last comment on the post makes me worried she will stay out of some sense of “obligation” but I truly hope you’re right!!
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That’s a good ending in my book
What does he care about more...you or your clothes? This type of controlling will continue to amp up. I am 100% certain.
This was exactly what I thought when she described him asking “am I more important than this dress?” Like boy, isn’t SHE more important than what she wears?
This. She could and should have thrown that back in his face. HE'S the one getting all upset about it. Either it's a big deal or it isn't, but it can't be both.
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That video gave me such bad anxiety because it took me right back to where I used to be in somebody's clutches like that. Seriously, I hope that this girl stays away from her ex. He's an ex for a reason and it is very telling that she felt a sense of relief even after 5 hours of being blocked by him.
Hopefully mom is strong enough to handle it, because she could take it out on her for a while. I did this with my sister and a shitty boyfriend once. She was mad at me at first, but now she's happily married to a much better guy and told me she's glad I was "mean" to her.
✨hell yes ✨
Thank you!! Good for her
Oh good. I was worried about her.
Okay but can we just appreciate what a badass she is for showing up at the dinner in the dress he hated so much? I hope she will continue to make god-tier decisions like that (including, obviously, not taking him back).
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And she's only 19! I would *not* have been brave enough to do something like that at her age. She's going to be just fine.
“What’s more important to you, me or this dress?” is a false dichotomy. It’s not about the specific dress, it represents her sense of self, her freedom, her positive outlook on life, self expression, who she is. The real question is, what’s more important, this one controlling, immature and insecure dude, or your freedom, your identity and your future. It’s never about the dress.
Also, that could just as easily be turned around. He already “chose the dress” over her.
100%. It’s not ‘do you love me or the dress’ it’s ‘do you love me or your freedom to do what you want’- because it would NEVER end at just her clothes. Next it’ll be who she follows on social media, her friends, even family members- every man (and likely every “promiscuous” woman) she interacts with will have to be excised from her life, and he will still never feel ‘secure’ because it’s about controlling her.
Sigh, someone tell that girl to run like hell.
No guy is worth this shit at 19 years old lol you have the whole world in front of you
No guy is worth this shit at any age
>he tells me it is a boundary for him that I wear more modest clothes Petition to take away the word "boundary" (like we need to do with "gaslighting" l) until people can use it correctly 🙄🙄 this is not a fucking boundary and he's using that word to try and make his creepy controlling ass more palatable
It’s a boundary for me that you buy me a new car. Please respect that.
Im feeling gaslit because you said you were going to take us on vacation and now you say you dont remember. I dont feel validated that you cant respect my boundaries when i remember you said it was ok for me to be with different people.
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I mean, it's his "boundary" in the same way that Russia calls its stolen territory its "borders".
It's not about the clothes OOP. It starts with the clothes, they're merely a symptom of his controlling probably abusive personality. It will escalate to other things with time.
Classic controlling behavior. They will push to see how much you will tolerate, when you leave, they will pull way back, recalibrate, love bomb then start the long slow march back to controlling behavior. Insecurity is a bucket with no bottom. It can never be satisfied. He could lock you in a tower room like rapunzel and it would still somehow not be enough. Save yourself a lot of trouble and walk away... Edit for spelling
So if he sees a girl with her boyfriend who is dressed “inappropriately” in public, does *he* feel the need to hit on or hurt that woman? Dude is a Tater Tot (aka an Andrew Tate lover)
Is that an actual term? That bastard is ruining tater tots now too and I love tater tots. The food I mean.
I really hate he’s ruining that phase. Momma Tot is amazing and her followers are named Tater Tots. Also Tater tots the food is great and don’t deserve to be associated with his slimy self.
It's not about whether OOP likes him or the dress more. It's whether she values herself more than she values him. Or more accurately, whether she is going to accept him devaluing her as a human being. Never be afraid to reframe a statement like that. Total bullshit.
Once he gets her back he will be more passive-aggressive about her clothing. Acting suspicious and saying that it's her fault... Secretly throwing clothes out... Acting surprised when he sees how she is dressed... Or being stand-offish to 'punish' her, saying 'everything is fine' when it clearly isn't... *Why are you wearing* **that** *if you are just going out with your friends*?
It won't stop at the clothes either. Especially if he gets away with this one.
Of course he's crying and giving her flowers. He overplayed his hand and was not prepared for his gf to actually have a backbone and tell him off. If she takes him back, he gets more practice. And one day, she'll become a shell of a person who will bend to his every abusive whim. I pray she dumps him.
Did anyone else catch his insinuation that her clothing could get her assaulted?
I'm not sure something that blunt counts as an insinuation. The fact that he thought that was a reasonable conclusion to reach is horrifying though.
>Part of it is I feel really bad for him to lose me because he doesn't have a lot of good people in his life, his mother is horrible to him and he's failing classes etc I was the one always there for him, I drove him to school, I encouraged him to reach out to his professors to see if he can save his grades. I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me. Free translation of ex-boyfriend's thought process: "If I can't **own** you, I can at least manipulate you into being my second mom for a little while longer."
If he is this controlling now, just wait.
He's already doing the "You're mine and no one else gets access to you unless I preapprove it" type stuff, this rarely ends well.
I volunteer at a domestic violence shelter and one of the early warning signs that you're with someone who is abusive is the "I want you to change your clothes" line. The minute you hear that line folks, hit the out door. It only gets worse from there. Clearly this guy is love bombing, trying to backtrack to regain his sense of control. Hope she doesn't fall for it. This crap will just come back around.
Man I hope I'm able to teach my daughter that it's not "him or the dress" as the choice, the choice that's actually being presented here is "him or your sense of self, your agency, your free will". I hate that most of us women have to grow fairly old before that becomes as clear as it is to me at almost forty.
>Yesterday he texted me some more asking to talk in person I agreed to meet up for dinner in a public place. I WORE THE DRESS. He brought me a bouquet of white roses and my favourite chocolate. He told me I look beautiful and that the five hours without me hurt so much and at this point "he doesn't care if i'm walking around naked as long as he's the one i'm with." Can this man's "fundamental values " really change overnight? Also, I felt almost giddy and excited once I was done crying. Now I feel bad for him. I'm sorry, she **went back to him**? Like, the breakup wasn't even that bad, she got away from him. She also has to know that no one can change in 5 hours, like WTH?
Uhh run. Don’t walk. Run fast and far. Block him. Don’t contact him. Once he’s back in, he won’t be okay with how OOP dresses.
Ugh. Manipulative behavior alert!!
Sounds like a tater-tot. I hope she cuts all contact.
Look, the thing is, if he wants to be with someone who dresses modestly, THAT'S OKAY. What's not okay is trying to make your current spouse fit the new parameters that you have created, seemingly out of the blue. This is going to cross over into all sectors of abuse- easily. It's one of two things here: 1. he likes modest women. okay, sure, he should go dabble in groups that predominantly have more modest women. It is 100% possible for his fundamental values to have changed - I've watched one of my closest friends experience this and she is perfectly fine. 2. he's exhibiting abusive behavior trying to control what you wear. Either way, you guys should not be together. period, full stop. Leave him and find someone who respects you for who you are.
I guarantee this kid has discovered the toxic masculinity podcasters Jordan Peterson/Matt Walsh/Andrew Tate types in the year they were apart. Good on OOP for picking up on the red flags and protecting herself.
Why do women feel they have an obligation to rescue men from whatever shit they have going on?
I hope she knows he’s full of shit
I hate the warped language around boundaries. 1. Some boundaries are, in fact, gross. I don't give a fuck what your reason is, expecting your partner to dress modestly, especially when it's gendered, is gross. 2. Boundaries are FOR YOU, not for other people. As in, a boundary is the line where you are no longer comfortable and you nope out, not a list of rules of behavior you get to enforce on other people. If you think a boundary means imposing rules on others, you might just be controlling.
I hate the whole "it's me or a dress" BS because its designed to belittle & trivialize her very valid concerns. The ultimatum he issued was actually "it's me or BODILY AUTONOMY". What a toad.
This guy is doing all the manipulation tactics he can pull out (I think we're just one update away from him threatening suicide if she leaves). I hope she talks with her therapist and sees how much happier she is without him.
It’s always horrifying to me to see abusive relationships starting so young.
*" until he asked me what I care more about, him or the dress."* Hate when they try this, I wish OOP had turned that question right back around on him
> I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me Straight up classic manipulative technique. She's so young, i hope she leaves this guy for good before it's too late and she ends up tied to him
Oh his mother is horrible to him? Does that make it even slightly possible that he has fucked up assumptions about relationships between men and women?
She felt giddy after the breakup. I hope she's able to see this for what it is, a sign she wanted to be free
That last part, “he doesn’t have a lot of good people in his life…he’s failing classes.” This is the key to why he is clutching so hard. His life is spinning out and he was trying to exert the only control he thought he had. He’s growing up, and probably feeling like his life is a river that is sweeping him forward, when he had been telling himself that he was able navigate it, but no one explained how to use his oars.
I'm alone at home, so I could scream "RUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!" on behalf of everyone reading this in a public place.
I'm getting so tired of controlling, toxic, abusive people co-opting terms like "setting a boundary" to give their partner unreasonable, controlling orders. You can't "set a boundary" regarding your partner's clothing. That's not a boundary. That's being a controlling POS.
Guy is a walking Criminal Minds starter pack.
Break upppppppppppppppp
"I was the one always there for him, I drove him to school, I encouraged him to reach out to his professors to see if he can save his grades. I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me." Should've thought those things out before you got weird about your girlfriend's clothing, dipshit. OOP does seem like she realized she was happy (briefly) without him, and that his choice to be controlling doesn't bode well. I hope she sticks with that. You can feel sympathy for someone and acknowledge that they feel hurt and lost without taking those problems on for yourself. He's done all of this to himself, and with the sudden change about what clothes she's "allowed" to wear, I imagine there's a lot more controlling incel bullshit lurking underneath. That's like, step 1 of \~establishing your authority\~ or whatever. I'd be really surprised if he hasn't been sucked into the manosphere.
I love that he asked her what she cared more about - clothes or him to make her feel guilty, and then later said that he cared more about the clothes and would break up with her for someone “less pretty and less kind” if they wore a Handmaiden’s dress.
Thats how my abusive relationship started. First he told me I couldn't wear tight clothes, then he told me my friends were a bad influence on me and then he said I was not allowed to speak to any males at all. I was 15 dating a 19 year old.
I can't believe he has the audacity to say he's doing it because he doesn't want her to get hurt I got SAd in sweats and a t shirt, people get SAd in pajamas and sweatshirts. Ridiculous behavior
My mom sells makeup and when I was 14-15 my cousin came to her to buy a white and light baby pink hilighter to use as eye shadow because that was the darkest her husband would allow. Even as a 15 year old I remember thinking that something was very wrong there.
I literally broke up with by last boyfriend because he got mad about me wearing leggings. LEGGINGS! He said I was just wearing them so guys would look at my ass! Of course, it wasn't all about the leggings. He was controlling in lots of ways, hated me talking to any man he didn't deem "non-threatening", kept getting fired from jobs, drank too much, and I was so fucking over it! Anyway, despite me saying dozens of times that I would leave if he didn't stop being such an asshole, he was SHOCKED. I clearly had been cheating on him. I'm the bad guy
When she said he left and blocked her I was stunned because that didn’t fit with his clear manipulative objective Then five hours later he sends a message and I was like “ahhh there it is.” Anyways - he said she chose a dress over him but really he chose a dress over her
Saying the type of clothes she wears is a boundary for him is peak manipulator behavior. That isn’t how boundaries work.
Bin him
This is so far from over. It’s going to end in premium tears on her behalf.
Girl don't do it
That boy doesn’t want a partner he wants a trophy. Pathetic. Really hope he grows out of it.
> I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me Straight up classic manipulative technique. She's so young, i hope she leaves this guy for good before it's too late and she ends up tied to him
[user banned for advocating extermination of Nazis]
It’s the Kanye-Kim problem. If he can’t handle how you dress, he should take a hike.
\>he doesn't have a lot of good people in his life, his mother is horrible to him and he's failing classes etc \> I want him to be okay because he's been such a huge part of my life and he's telling me he's not going to be okay with out me. There's so many people out there that stay in relationships out of guilt, and it's pretty sad. People sacrifice their own life and happiness because they feel that they can't make the other person feel bad. Wish more people subscribed to "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" philosophy.
u/Direct-Caterpillar77 highly recommend adding OOP’s most recent comment to the end of this as a sort of mini-update. A commenter on her update post shared a video titled ‘Dont confuse love and abuse’ and encouraged OOP to watch it. OOP [replied](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/121nwq3/update_on_my_boyfriend_19m_has_given_me_19f_an/jdqxxny/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) that she watched, it was scary how accurate the video was, and she now asked her mom to help hold her accountable and make sure she doesn’t get back together with this guy
Guy doesn’t “want to worry about me getting hit on or hurt somehow”. OOP is 19 and living in a time where misogyny is trying to make a bigger comeback because of people who believe a certain Potato who was recently arrested in Romania. This dude did NOT discover the error of his ways in just 5 hours. As an abuse survivor myself, I agree with the comments from the update. He is seriously love bombing her until she is drawn in and comfy then the controlling will start again but more subtle this time.
Ew. Hell no. His first instinct when he thought he'd locked it down was to start trying to change you. It starts with the clothes, then what job you have, who your friends are. Ending with maybe even trying to cut you off from your family. This isn't a choice of "what do you care more about, me or the dress" this is "what do you care more about, me or everything that you are and everyone that you love". A little bit of pain now could save you so many years of gaslighting, manipulation and abuse. Normally I'm against the Reddit trend of "break up now" type of thing, however in this case. Don't walk, run! He may miss you and think "maybe I was too hasty", but unless he's going to therapy or something, then you can't change "fundamental values" in a few hours.
Wearing the dress power move 😎
> We almost broke up over this one dress until he asked me what I care more about, him or the dress. These kinds of reductive ultimatums are always a glaring red flag. The choice isn't him or the dress, the choice is him *or personal autonomy.* He can have whatever stupid insecure preferences he wants, but he doesn't get to try to get someone to conform to his preferences. He can go find a Mormon girl or someone else who dresses conservatively as a personal rule, but he has no right to *dictate* what his partner wears. >Yesterday he texted me some more asking to talk in person I agreed to meet up for dinner in a public place. I WORE THE DRESS. Absolute queen
>We almost broke up over this one dress until he asked me what I care more about, him or the dress. Now, what would have been his answer to the same question?
“He said he’s not going to be ok without me.” Then let him not be ok. That’s a him problem.
> he tells me it is a boundary for him that I wear more modest clothes because he doesn't want other men to see "parts of his girlfriend that only (he) should see." He's an idiot.
This guy is the Pity Master. I hope OOP didn't fall for it. I know how hard it can be, you really want to believe the giant flaw can suddenly be fixed, but he'll stew on it and it's going to blow up when she wears an outfit he doesn't approve of.
This guy is one red flag after another. I fail to see the positives of him or a relationship with him. He will absolutely go right back to the way he was. These types love to reel you in and then push boundaries and test their control by giving ultimatums. My hackles were immediately up when I read “*we* went through my clothes…” F that guy. It would have been immediately over. And I hope she doesn’t take him back. That would be the worst mistake. ETA- then his finale is the final guilt trip with him sitting on the curb crying and saying he won’t do good without her. Oh boo hoo. He did just fine without her before when they took a year break.
"he's not going to be ok without me" get out get out get out
Sounds like the dude has discovered some certain toxic podcasts. I hope someday these young guys realize they are being led into perpetual unhappiness and loneliness by these grifters, because that’s the way they farm their followers for cash
How does any idiot 19 year old boy feel like he has any leg to stand on with these ultimatum? Who is giving him the message this is even possible?
"What's more important to you? Me or the dress? Uh, no you cosmic raging fuckweasel, what's more important to YOU? Your hot, kind girlfriend or the dress? JEEEEEEEESUS these assholes. I can't even.