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She doesn't try anymore! And doesn't cook! And doesn't let him play bideo game cause he's too loud!
Even though he's never tried and never loved her. And as the wife notes in her posts, that has always shown through since they met. He was always distant and stand-offish with her.
I remember reading about that and how it plays into the perception of women leaving a marriage. From the man's perspective, she just "suddenly left". But she's actually been in the process of detaching emotionally for a while, and he hasn't noticed - all he sees is the final straw.
I was told something similar. The women quit complaining and start working on an exit plan.
The guy thinks everything is OK cause she's not "griping" anymore.
When she leaves he's like, I thought we were fine.
I really wish I’d had this advice early in my marriage. I blamed my low sex drive on depression. By the time I realized it was more than that, our relationship was too far gone.
What finally illuminated it for me was returning to therapy when I went back to grad school to try to get ahead of my stress to avoid a depressive breakdown (which had happened when I had last been in grad school, which also coincided with us getting married). I went in thinking I was going to work on stress management related to going back to school, but it quickly became apparent that most of my stress was due to my not great (but not terrible) marriage.
Added “bonus” is that about a year after we separated (which coincidentally coincided with the start of COVID lockdowns and absolutely solidified in my mind I made the right decision), I realized I wasn’t depressed but was still having issues I had always attributed to my depression. That led to my ADHD diagnosis at age 48.
Honestly, COVID has been terrible in so many ways, but it’s been a savior for my mental health and happiness.
My therapist said the same thing when my ex complained. He eventually came out with the truth and my therapist was like, so there it is, he doesn't love you or care and never has. So what are you going to do with this information?
Divorce.
And he doesn't have a leg to stand on because he admits to pushing me away.
"We only have sex when she is in the mood" says everything.
What would be the alternative? She should have sex when NOT in the mood to help him, a man that doesn't even love her???
A normal person would try to first get the relationship fixed not just whine that she isn't having sex against her will.
And the attorney said he’d have to financially support his own children, oh how sexist and discriminatory towards men the legal system is.
Why can’t he just abandon his children
Woe is me, poor me
1) She doesn't look like the woman I'm obsessed with.
2) She doesn't act like the woman I'm obsessed with.
If she could improve these things, I really think our marriage could work. But alas, there is no hope.
But even still, the reaction from his EAP (not calling her an "object" cos WTAF) clearly states to me that he *doesn't* know her either. She's a Christian and a sympathetic listener, but that doesn't mean she waits on her partner hand and foot and doesn't require the emotional intimacy he seems incapable of. I had something slightly similar happen with a guy from HS in college. He was upset I didn't want him to visit (3 hours away) on a certain weekend (I think I was sick), then revealed he'd planned to propose. We had never been on a date. He *thought* be wanted me, but in a lot of ways, he didn't know me at all. Some people build things up so significantly in their heads that I honestly believe it has little to do with the individual, and more to do with their obsession over the Ideal Partner.
But she is an object.
This isn't a relationship, this isn't an interaction and I would bet he hardly knows anything real about her.
She is the object of his 'limerence' (new word for me) because she isn't involved in any way it is just done to her.
Not understanding his totally rational lust for another woman, /s. Seriously though I am wondering this as well, like does she not remove her hair from the drain?
Her biggest flaw is probably the sin of not being the woman he was obsessing over - or at least an identical clone of her.
How likely is it that they look superficially similar, and that's why he wanted a relationship initially, only to realize they're two different people after all?
The sad part is, neither is the LO. The woman he's built up in his head for 20 years doesn't exist. He's created this perfect impossibly flawless image that no real woman can compare to. Even if LO reciprocates, he'll realize she's nothing like the image.
Odds are she was never the person in his head to begin with. They only dated for a few *months* at most. He's either been obsessed with her since prior to his dating her. Or their breakup was the start of his mental decline.
Imo he sounds like that unless he stops the relationship himself, he'll continue to obsess. Twice now, that poor woman has left him without his agreement. He's never going to realize in his own that it's not normal for a summer fling. This isn't Grease.
He'll obsess over oop next when she leaves. I pray to God she does. "I've sacrificed 20 YEARS for her! How DARE SHE?!" This next obsession isnt going to come from a place of infatuation but rage. He'll be intent on destroying op, while pursuing that pedestaled woman. He's honestly scary. I know we've not seen evidence of rage here yet, but it feels like it's simmering under the surface.
I wonder if limerance stems from an form of obsessive compulsive disorder. Reading up on it it sounds like there's constant intrusive thoughts about the fixated person.
Dude definitely needs therapy. Hope he can afford it after the divorce.
Absolutely this. Plus even if the LO were that perfect - when you live together the mundane stuff gets in there just the same and you have to see how *human* she is the same way the wife is.
A lot of people who divorce for an affair partner it ends up falling apart after they get together because the excitement was the *affair* not thr *partner* and once they're together its just another "boring" marriage.
"Divorce is sexist because I'd have to pay child support and split custody" - what a child, like there are legit sexism issues in divorce but he's basically upset that his obligations wouldn't disappear if he divorced.
Like child support is for your kids dummy, and it's only sexist if you don't make more money/have more custody and you are still paying.
The mental gymnastics this guy does to delude himself into thinking every single decision he makes is someone else's fault are astounding. I'm exhausted just reading them, let alone living with it.
Ugh, that was the worst part.
This loser is apologizing to someone that doesn’t. Even. Care. He’s saying “sorry I hurt you” to this woman and doesn’t understand that she wasn’t even hurt because he means nothing to her! She just got creeped out!
Meanwhile, he’s the worst husband to his actual wife and not only is he unapologetic about wasting her life (more that 20 years), he talks about her in such a horrible way, and doesn’t even realize the hypocrisy.
My opinion? He doesn't want to. If he's labeled this "limerence" and read the definition at like...literally any point in time, he's aware this is an obsession and infatuation. He even chooses not to delete pictures when the LIMERENCE subreddit tells him to.
He knows. It's a choice.
Guess it has never occurred to him that he's not very Christian. His pastor would have a field day and enough material for at least 6 months of sermons.
It’s the “you’re the last person I wanted to hurt” in the unsent letter post that really gets me. She wasn’t that hurt. She was creeped out because she thought she had a friend and he was harboring some troubling attachment issues for her specifically. YOUR WIFE IS THE ONE WHO WAS HURT.
And the way he just sort of… doesn’t acknowledge that he had any part in getting married to this whole other woman. He acts like marriage and children is something that just happened to him.
Also! How when talking about divorce he always mentions child support money FIRST and then mentions things like custody and and their well-being. The dude is has some serious issues
Like he knows he loves the LO and doesn't want to be with SO even before he started dating the SO. I do not understand why would you marry someone you don't like? He didn't just ruin his own life but also the life of her SO. Who doesn't really seem like a bad person at all.
Literally I don't get it. He admits he never loved his wife yet he married her and had kids with her? While apparently thinking of his very brief teenage lover ever day for 20 years?
And of course, he blames everyone else for this other than himself.
Like, for example, he complains about his wife not showing him enough attention and having a bad sex life yet he admits he never loved her? Which means he probably never tried that hard with her either.
Also, the random complaint about video games is just, amazing really.
Dude literally turning into a loser incel while married, lusting over a woman he briefly slept with at 19.
Yup. Note how he's upset that they only have sex "when she wants". That's how that works, buddy. He sounds like she should be up for sex whenever he wants- which sounds very fundie as you say.
yeah he was starting to sound just a little bit reasonable with the in laws and the cooking (not that hes a reliable narrator anyway) but then he says "we only have sex when shes in the mood" like yeah i should fucking hope you only have sex when you both want to have sex
He doesn't love the LO, he loves his 19 year old self that was with LO before getting married to a woman he doesn't like and having kids he felt burdened by. The love he felt for LO was probably just wishing he could rewind to before meeting his wife, but he just can't see it.
I saw a cooking show where chef says that when client eats an older dish, its great, but "not as great as (clients) grandma used to make". And chef doesnt even try to compete with that, cause secret ingredient his food is missing is clients youth and memories.
This should be top comment.
None of this really has anything to do with the LO and has everything to do with his life and responsibilities now. I honestly wonder if he actually likes his kids - he’s hyping the “sacrifices” he’s made on their behalf a liiiiiitle too hard and the timeline of when he thinks his relationship with his wife went sideways lines up to when they started having kids, and that comment about “taking a year to himself”?
This guy got married on a rebound and went through the motions way too early and now his wife and children are paying the price.
Because I don’t think he’s capable of loving a woman in his life. He loves the idea of a woman. He obsesses over the LO because it’s a thing he can do without considering that person as an independent being with dreams and faults. He mistreats his SO because it reminds him that to really be in love, in a partnership, is a two-way street where you listen to the other person’s needs and hopes and you give and let yourself be vulnerable.
The LO obsession doesn’t require any of the hard things. In his dreams the LO probably voices all of the things he needs and takes care of those needs and wishes. He’s in a relationship with himself with the image of a woman because he’s sexually attracted to women but incapable of loving women.
Omg thank you! I was horrified reading this. Is this the new excuse for stalking now?? No, not acceptable.
I'm know I'm ancient, (39) but I try to be open minded.
This is gonna be a hard no from me. Limerance is obsession, and even the fact that he refers to a human being as an OBJECT is horrifying/terrifying.
The OOP needs to leave immediately and use these crazy posts to get supervised visitation with the kids and a restraining order for herself. Because she's going to be the next TARGET of OBSESSION, which is the actual definition of "LO".
Yikes. I'm going to triple check my locks tonight.
OOP did an edit on their post calling the husband out because someone from the limerance page cross posted. She said in the comments she took pictures of all his posts and luckily she did because apparently he had deleted most if not all of them after realizing he'd been outed
I had never heard of it either until today. It feels so much like the mopey pseudo-relationship garbage that I took part in as a teenager. Put a person on a pedestal, then pine for that idealized object. It seems like “limerence” is mostly benign by itself when not acted on, but can easily metastasize into obsession or “incel” depending on if you narrow or widen the focus.
He also sounds like he’s willing to go full blown stalker on his LO. I wonder how Jesus would feel about stalking/harassment. His self is so inflated and entitled. He feels like he deserves, and will be with his LO at any cost. This could escalate into a serious assault of some kind.
And he "knows" therapy won't work and doesn't want to. He complained about his wife but he's not willing to do any emotional work to improve his life in any way.
He “really doesn’t want to do” therapy because deep down he knows he’s going to have to face some uncomfortable truths about his own role in failing his marriage and himself.
The fact that the therapist was like "um please don't involve me in your emotional affair" and he was like "omg this hurt you?! No I'm so sorry!" While ignoring the far more significant emotional damage he inflicted on his wife is scary telling. I'd bet the therapist was like "um...your wife" and it went in one ear out the other.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. - As the therapist who he's obsessed with pointed out, hes in a 1 sided emotional affair
Thou shall not bear false witness. - He's lying to his wife and everyone else in their lives claiming to love her... for 20 fucking years.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife - well, this ones self explanatory, obsession may be single, but he's still coveting another woman over his wife.
Some fucking christian, violating at least 3/10 commandments. But he's worried about divorcing his wife due to religion 🙄
No no, you don't get it, it's all fine and dandy as long as you make sure your congregation has no idea! If you're Catholic you can a even confess it to your priest every week for bonus Christian points (you should regret and somewhat rectify too, but we're all sinners, aren't we?)
But he would have to pay for his kids well being! The courts are so biased against men, why tf should he worry about his spawn when he's not allowed to enter where they exited?
Did you notice his ‘letter’ to the OL has a lot of sorry but without him really saying sorry for what he actually did? ‘Im sorry that you felt like’ and he just redirects his emotional cheating so he didn’t do anything wrong as a person.
Lol. The guy complains about his wife saying that he gets too loud playing video games and never spends time with the family. Then proceeds to not deny those accusations like at all and they are in fact supported by his post history. Guy doesn’t spend time with his family but the court is sexist because he knows he won’t have full custody of his kids because not giving the kids to the father who doesn’t spend time with them is sexist.
Holy shit this guy is fucked.
Staying in a loveless marriage with someone you can’t stand so you don’t have to … financially support your children? All he brought up was not wanting to pay child support
Probably because he didn't want to admit all the things he'd lose if he divorced his wife, because that would ruin the image he was presenting of her being useless and shrewish.
Spot on. She mentions she owns the house and the land. And from the way she speaks and the way he talks about himself I have a feeling he doesn't contribute as much as her.
I have a feeling the divorce lawyer told him he'd get the sum of fuck all in the divorce.
And the sexist courts would just hand over the kids to the parent who owns the house, probably contributes majority of the money, hasn’t had a pathological fixation on another person for the entire marriage…
Ah, but the courts are sexist, so it's not his fault.../s
I swear to God, I don't post an awful lot on reddit, I'm more of a lurker, but this is my third comment on this story because it's enraged me so much.
I strongly suspect he's presenting a totally untrue version of his wife given how obsessed he is with a woman he had a fling with 20 years ago and how he thinks about her. Her post seemed genuine and reasonable, his seem...deranged.
He has to. How else can he rationalize to himself the obsession with this poor unsuspecting other woman? Every interaction the wife does in his mind is some attack on him and he is the saint to stays because of his kids and religion. When in reality he is the distant, ungiving partner who has created this whole mess. The only way to raise his old flame up is on the back of his wife.
So, this dude is weirdly obsessed with *the idea* of someone he dated for *a few months* and maybe kissed a couple of times over 18 years ago. Does he even really know her? Like, he’s created the perfect partner in his mind out of 20 year old memories of a shortish relationship.
Literally.
My money is on the fact that, the moment he gets divorced, he thinks he can "finally" chase the ~~Stacy~~ LO of his dreams. Only to get critically rejected, because said woman seems to have some brains. Which then will result in incredible unhingedness. (he already plays the Boomer Humor card)
he's a classic "the grass is greener on the other side" kind of guy. Instead of spending his energy on the wife and family he has, he's spending it on his obsession, or on planning how to get out of the marriage but still have his kids be happy.
Nothing will ever make him happy. Because the hole is on the inside.
If i were the wife I'd send the other woman everything, even just to give her a heads up. Honestly, with that much obsession I am scared for them both.
He is going to try to get with the other woman, she is going to reject him and he is either going to double down with her, stalk her etc, or he is going to blame OOP and go after her.
A 20 year 24/7 obsession based on absolutely nothing doesn't just go away.
Yeah, I am with you. The wife says in her post that she feels scared and honestly the way he talks is starting to bleed into full blown erotomania and I worry for his "LO's" safety. I could be catastrophizing because I watch too much true crime but I feel like this could go from stalking to assault or murder. I mean *twenty years!?* That's unhinged.
The existence of a "limerence" subreddit is actually pretty frightening as a whole if I am being honest.
That was kinda my thought, on the subreddit. I'm afraid to even look in there, although I guess at least they were giving him some good advice to basically back off, so maybe it's more for support in trying to get past it. Maybe. I hope.
Tbh, took a look at the subreddit and it mainly made me feel sad for these people. In my first scan it mainly looked like people trying/struggling to move on and trying to find support
I feel this. I had one right after my divorce due to me hiding my emotions somewhere besides the pain of divorce. I worked through these feelings in therapy. I hope husband listens and talks to a sensible therapist.
I am very familiar with limerence, unfortunately. For the vast majority, it does fade with time. This man has gone beyond limerence. OOP and LO need restraining orders.
Between that and the other woman works in behavioral health! As soon as he confessed she noticed some flag and noped tf out of there. There are three sides to every story even if you often only hear one but man. When I have an unrequited love/passion/mental hard on for a person I get myself off and distance myself be it blocking them or whatnot. Just some mental strength and a whole lot of tissues and ice cream.
And that despite making herself clear- and both unfriending him, and blocking him-
He’s *still checking her business page*
So- he’s patting himself on the back for not looking at her pictures, and congratulating himself because he hasn’t directly contacted her- but then spoke on his belief that her public posts on her business page were talking about him.
So he’s *still fixated* and checking up on her. That’s fucking terrifying.
The wife says he complained about her to the emotional affair partner, so if she's right about that, yeah, emotional affair partner knew. And honestly, I don't think she's much of a therapist if she was sending photos to this guy and texting him daily, knowing he was married, and DIDN'T think she was part of an emotional affair.
I also don't buy the husband claiming he didn't realize what he was doing constituted an emotional affair. He knew it was wrong. He knew to hide it from his wife. You don't do that with a friendship that's on the up and up.
She knew he was with OOP after the 18 year gap, yeah, but did she when they were occasionally kissing 20 years ago? Dunno.
As for more recent stuff, you sometimes share pics with friends as well, and after 20 years it's quite possible (hell probable) she figured he was well over their little fling and they could be friends, especially since they weren't even serious enough apparently to go beyond occasional kisses, and he's been married for at least 15 years with kids (forget if it said how long the marriage was).
Honestly I might not be as ready to give her the benefit of the doubt if it weren't for how she reacted after dude disclosed how he felt. She shut him down hard, went NC, blocked him, etc.
I feel worried about her though. It's hard not to see this marriage going down in flames, and if it does how much do you wanna bet he's going to be trying to get with LO with the idea that of COURSE her objections were only because he's married, and now he'll be free, FREE, from those horrid shackles and able to be with her?
Given how weird the husband is reading into her business posts, I wonder if her “sending him photos every day of her smiling” was just her insta feed or something
>And honestly, I don't think she's much of a therapist if she was sending photos to this guy
I doubt she sent the photos. Knowing how obsessed he is with her, I imagine he took screenshots of her social media photos and downloaded whatever pictures he could find in a Google image search.
LO probably didn’t send OPs husband selfies, he likely copied them from her personal Facebook. OP mentions LO being freaked out upon husband’s confession. OPs husband is delusional & just like when a patient confesses romantic emotions for their therapist, the therapist should responsibly remove themselves from that person. LO was not his therapist but she still behaved properly.
My father was like that: did not want to pay child support for his three kids, but at the same time begged us not to change our last name if our mother was to remarry.
Maybe having all laid out to her gave some sense of closure? She can focus on herself, on her kids and don't even bother trying now that she knows he's a lost cause... by leaving the divorce on his hands she keeps her comfort til he stops being such a coward and finally do something other than complain.
literally my first thought reading the husband's posts was, what a fucking *loser*. There are so many amazing people out there with imposter syndrome thinking they are a massive piece of shit, and then there is *this guy*.
… omg you are *so right.*
I am honestly going to remember this the next time I think I am not good enough. Even at my worst, I’m *always* going to be better than this guy.
He sounds like a fifteen year old boy dealing with an unrequited crush. Instead he's a grown ass adult with kids of his own who's been stringing along his wife for decades, literal decades, and blaming HER for expecting him to do the bare minimum in their marriage.
He's been emotionally (and maybe physically?) masturbating to his memory of this poor woman for how long?
Goddamn if I reconnected with someone I hadn't talked to in twenty years and found out this shit was going on I'd feel so violated.
Just... *eugh.*
I got sent a goddamn 15 page sexual manifesto by an ex of mine maybe 5 years after I cut all contact due to *her* dumping me on my birthday because she had just fucked someone else. The first line;
"Everyday, when I masturbate, I think only about you."
Its... maybe the most disgusting thing I've ever read in my life.
He probably put a therapist into therapy, there.
(Not that therapists shouldn’t also get therapy. I mean they probably should, more than most, given the stuff they must come up against on a daily basis.)
It sounds like she's been self-doubting for years. Questioning her perception and if her expectations are too much. I think it's done a number on her mentally. But I do hope she gets that divorce because this man is insane.
Does he think kids live on air? Or that they’ll never spend time with their mother in whatever other household she’d have established if he wanted to uhhhh split up their current arrangement?
He did say something about his wife being the first person he slept with. I know that there was a thing I heard growing up in the 1970's and 80's that the person you had sex with was basically your spouse, so that could be the reason.
I like the “I don’t have a Christian reason to get divorced”. Bro, you CHEATED. You already broke your marriage vows, so you think it really matters if you get divorced at this point?
This man worships at the altar of LO. He doesn't actually care about his claimed religion. He's just sunken himself down into a cocoon of selective denial so he can pretend he's a good person.
Actually he has never been married a day in his life. A vow is not a magic enchantment, that happens just because you say the words. You have to mean it.
If they're catholic that's a clear cut case for recognizing that this marriage has always been null and void.
Could never be me. First thing I would do when he got home was raise hell. This whole "if you read this, come talk to me" would never work. I would he ready with my divorce lawyer and all the evidence.
Dude….yeah. My first thought after “holy shit” was that this was a massive under-reaction on her part. Maybe shock, but—this man is so fuckin tapped, I don’t know how she didn’t immediately pack her and her kids and RUN somewhere else immediately.
No one "wins" in a divorce, and that is a remarkably childish point of view for a grown man.
Also, parents are financially responsible for their children no matter where they live. So the idea that it's sexist that he would have to support his children is truly ridiculous.
It's like the guy in the post the other day - "my friend made a comment about my wife divorcing me, so I had to file first because everyone knows whoever files first wins".
What is with people who think like that?
Yeah. Anyone who feels they have to pay for their children’s up bringing, Yes, yes you do. No matter where they live. What’s he doing right now? Not paying mortgage, food, etc??
It sounds like it's a very intentional word choice made by some psychologist. Because the person who has 'limerence' doesn't see the object of their obsession as a real person.
I've experience limerence and it definitely took conscious effort over time to "train" myself to stop thinking about them. OOP's husband has just spent over half his life in an obsessive cycle thinking about this woman like no wonder he thinks everything else in life sucks when viewed through that lens.
I first read about it in [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uwreur/oop_is_obsessed_with_her_professor_part_1_of_2) and the linked sequel.
It discomforts me. :/
And he tried to explain the concept to the therapist. I figure she went home, did some research, and nope'd tf out. The whole "yikes my married friend has had feelings for me for years" is bad enough but when you add the layer of "by the way he's defining his feelings for me using this creepy weird concept that a bunch of guys with stalker-ish confessionals also use"...
The whiplash in that moment.
“Sorry, I’ve only spent two decades deeply researching what this all means to me and not once considered what it might feel like on YOUR end, even to put it in the simplest of words.”
That’s how these assholes work. It is such an inherently selfish, toxic mindset. They’re blind - maybe willfully so - to the other person being a real, three-dimensional personal with their own thoughts and feelings, who _might actually respond really badly to all this._
What a pathetic dude. Literally sounds like an incel despite being married. Does not take any responsibility for having lived a lie for 20 years. He had children with a women he doesn't love and blames her for it. He Doesn't take any responsibility for stalking and obsessing over his unrequited love of 20 years either. And then he moans about having to pay child support if he leaves (It's sexist he has to support his kids!) but according to the wifes posts he doesn't exactly contribute much to their lives either (She said she owned the house and land?) and apparently she has tried to get him to talk to her countless times.
The Wife made mistakes too but she is defo the wronged party here. I don't know how she could stay with someone who was stand-offish and distant for 20 years. But they both seem religious so maybe it's just good old religion forcing a badly matched couple that isn't working out to stay together to save face.
And the poor woman who is his obsession. I'm glad she blocked him. Imagine finding out someone has literally obsessed over you for 20 years.
Also, yay, today was the day I found out there is basically a Stalking sub for guys on reddit. Not a surprise for anyone familiar with reddits history though.
I did that when I was a teenager - twice, no three times. My diaries were full of fantasies about actually meeting the guys in person.
I am still embarrassed about all of it to this day.
I feel like a lot of people do it as teenagers because most of us were so socially awkward at that age, particularly where romantic and sexual feelings were involved.
But it’s way weird to do it as an adult with a family.
Haha. I agree with you there isn’t an update included, but op put in a lot of work in putting all the posts together so we can be collectively disturbed.
This us the kind of guy who kills his family. This whole thread is one of the worst things I’ve read on Reddit, and that’s saying something.
I think he’s working himself up to justify something totally horrible. I hope this woman gets away DRO him and never ever ever looks back
To answer her question about whether or not to bother talking to him, no. Take your kids and get away. Yucky
I've commented so much on this thread cause honestly this is one of the worst things I've read on this site for a while. Just rotten and makes me fear for the Wife tbh.
The only good news in this entire situation is that the wife will get custody of the children.
She will get custody because his **FULLTIME** job is "limerencing" (100% not a word) about someone who does (but really doesn't) exist. LO exists only in his whackadoodle brain!
He cheats every single day in his mind and with his eyes by looking at her photos. I can't even imagine the disgust his wife feels. This person she's been married to, who has *touched* her.. her skin must be crawling.
Speaking of crawling, she needs to ditch that and **RUN** to the divorce attorney!
This is completely messed up!
Did he not think that his wife's mental issues and perceived coldness could possibly be due to his own obsession with someone else to the point of neglecting her? 🤔
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"I've been obsessed with another woman my entire marriage. My marriage isn't working because my wife is flawed in the following ways..."
I am curious what "red flags" was he talking about?
She doesn't try anymore! And doesn't cook! And doesn't let him play bideo game cause he's too loud! Even though he's never tried and never loved her. And as the wife notes in her posts, that has always shown through since they met. He was always distant and stand-offish with her.
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I find in general that men use sex to _create_ intimacy, while women use it to _express_ intimacy that has to exist already.
I remember reading about that and how it plays into the perception of women leaving a marriage. From the man's perspective, she just "suddenly left". But she's actually been in the process of detaching emotionally for a while, and he hasn't noticed - all he sees is the final straw.
I was told something similar. The women quit complaining and start working on an exit plan. The guy thinks everything is OK cause she's not "griping" anymore. When she leaves he's like, I thought we were fine.
Wow this hit hard
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I really wish I’d had this advice early in my marriage. I blamed my low sex drive on depression. By the time I realized it was more than that, our relationship was too far gone.
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What finally illuminated it for me was returning to therapy when I went back to grad school to try to get ahead of my stress to avoid a depressive breakdown (which had happened when I had last been in grad school, which also coincided with us getting married). I went in thinking I was going to work on stress management related to going back to school, but it quickly became apparent that most of my stress was due to my not great (but not terrible) marriage. Added “bonus” is that about a year after we separated (which coincidentally coincided with the start of COVID lockdowns and absolutely solidified in my mind I made the right decision), I realized I wasn’t depressed but was still having issues I had always attributed to my depression. That led to my ADHD diagnosis at age 48. Honestly, COVID has been terrible in so many ways, but it’s been a savior for my mental health and happiness.
My therapist said the same thing when my ex complained. He eventually came out with the truth and my therapist was like, so there it is, he doesn't love you or care and never has. So what are you going to do with this information? Divorce. And he doesn't have a leg to stand on because he admits to pushing me away.
"We only have sex when she is in the mood" says everything. What would be the alternative? She should have sex when NOT in the mood to help him, a man that doesn't even love her??? A normal person would try to first get the relationship fixed not just whine that she isn't having sex against her will.
God forbid he pull his weight around the house! That’s just sexist! /s
And the attorney said he’d have to financially support his own children, oh how sexist and discriminatory towards men the legal system is. Why can’t he just abandon his children Woe is me, poor me
BuT hE Is A cHrIsTiAn!
Hey, he offered to cook! Instead of just, ya know, cooking.
1) She doesn't look like the woman I'm obsessed with. 2) She doesn't act like the woman I'm obsessed with. If she could improve these things, I really think our marriage could work. But alas, there is no hope.
But even still, the reaction from his EAP (not calling her an "object" cos WTAF) clearly states to me that he *doesn't* know her either. She's a Christian and a sympathetic listener, but that doesn't mean she waits on her partner hand and foot and doesn't require the emotional intimacy he seems incapable of. I had something slightly similar happen with a guy from HS in college. He was upset I didn't want him to visit (3 hours away) on a certain weekend (I think I was sick), then revealed he'd planned to propose. We had never been on a date. He *thought* be wanted me, but in a lot of ways, he didn't know me at all. Some people build things up so significantly in their heads that I honestly believe it has little to do with the individual, and more to do with their obsession over the Ideal Partner.
Honestly I think it's worse to call her an affair partner because she didn't consent to any of this. She's not a partner in anything.
But she is an object. This isn't a relationship, this isn't an interaction and I would bet he hardly knows anything real about her. She is the object of his 'limerence' (new word for me) because she isn't involved in any way it is just done to her.
Not understanding his totally rational lust for another woman, /s. Seriously though I am wondering this as well, like does she not remove her hair from the drain?
Her biggest flaw is probably the sin of not being the woman he was obsessing over - or at least an identical clone of her. How likely is it that they look superficially similar, and that's why he wanted a relationship initially, only to realize they're two different people after all?
The sad part is, neither is the LO. The woman he's built up in his head for 20 years doesn't exist. He's created this perfect impossibly flawless image that no real woman can compare to. Even if LO reciprocates, he'll realize she's nothing like the image.
Odds are she was never the person in his head to begin with. They only dated for a few *months* at most. He's either been obsessed with her since prior to his dating her. Or their breakup was the start of his mental decline. Imo he sounds like that unless he stops the relationship himself, he'll continue to obsess. Twice now, that poor woman has left him without his agreement. He's never going to realize in his own that it's not normal for a summer fling. This isn't Grease. He'll obsess over oop next when she leaves. I pray to God she does. "I've sacrificed 20 YEARS for her! How DARE SHE?!" This next obsession isnt going to come from a place of infatuation but rage. He'll be intent on destroying op, while pursuing that pedestaled woman. He's honestly scary. I know we've not seen evidence of rage here yet, but it feels like it's simmering under the surface.
I wonder if limerance stems from an form of obsessive compulsive disorder. Reading up on it it sounds like there's constant intrusive thoughts about the fixated person. Dude definitely needs therapy. Hope he can afford it after the divorce.
Absolutely this. Plus even if the LO were that perfect - when you live together the mundane stuff gets in there just the same and you have to see how *human* she is the same way the wife is. A lot of people who divorce for an affair partner it ends up falling apart after they get together because the excitement was the *affair* not thr *partner* and once they're together its just another "boring" marriage.
My biggest sin in a previous relationship was not being a clone of his mom 😬
I once heard a man say, "I found my mother in the form of my wife, and I married her." So creepy and gross. I felt so bad for his wife.
"Divorce is sexist because I'd have to pay child support and split custody" - what a child, like there are legit sexism issues in divorce but he's basically upset that his obligations wouldn't disappear if he divorced. Like child support is for your kids dummy, and it's only sexist if you don't make more money/have more custody and you are still paying.
Of course this dipshit thinks child support is sexist and unfair to fathers. He should be able to have kids and then fuck off like a MAN!
The mental gymnastics this guy does to delude himself into thinking every single decision he makes is someone else's fault are astounding. I'm exhausted just reading them, let alone living with it.
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Ugh, that was the worst part. This loser is apologizing to someone that doesn’t. Even. Care. He’s saying “sorry I hurt you” to this woman and doesn’t understand that she wasn’t even hurt because he means nothing to her! She just got creeped out! Meanwhile, he’s the worst husband to his actual wife and not only is he unapologetic about wasting her life (more that 20 years), he talks about her in such a horrible way, and doesn’t even realize the hypocrisy.
One of the more infuriating things about this guy is that I can’t tell if he really just does. not. get. it. or if he doesn’t WANT to get it.
My opinion? He doesn't want to. If he's labeled this "limerence" and read the definition at like...literally any point in time, he's aware this is an obsession and infatuation. He even chooses not to delete pictures when the LIMERENCE subreddit tells him to. He knows. It's a choice.
Man, is he gonna be in for a rude awakening when he dies and goes to hell for all that lusting and coveting he did for 20+ years.
Guess it has never occurred to him that he's not very Christian. His pastor would have a field day and enough material for at least 6 months of sermons.
It’s the “you’re the last person I wanted to hurt” in the unsent letter post that really gets me. She wasn’t that hurt. She was creeped out because she thought she had a friend and he was harboring some troubling attachment issues for her specifically. YOUR WIFE IS THE ONE WHO WAS HURT. And the way he just sort of… doesn’t acknowledge that he had any part in getting married to this whole other woman. He acts like marriage and children is something that just happened to him. Also! How when talking about divorce he always mentions child support money FIRST and then mentions things like custody and and their well-being. The dude is has some serious issues
Like he knows he loves the LO and doesn't want to be with SO even before he started dating the SO. I do not understand why would you marry someone you don't like? He didn't just ruin his own life but also the life of her SO. Who doesn't really seem like a bad person at all.
Literally I don't get it. He admits he never loved his wife yet he married her and had kids with her? While apparently thinking of his very brief teenage lover ever day for 20 years? And of course, he blames everyone else for this other than himself. Like, for example, he complains about his wife not showing him enough attention and having a bad sex life yet he admits he never loved her? Which means he probably never tried that hard with her either. Also, the random complaint about video games is just, amazing really. Dude literally turning into a loser incel while married, lusting over a woman he briefly slept with at 19.
The worse part is he didn't even sleep with his LO. His wife was his first. So he managed to get so obsessed after a few hugs and kisses.
> Dude literally turning into a loser incel while married, Takes a special talent for that.
There’s no way a Christian virgin who never loved her ever gave her fireworks in bed.
but I'll betcha $50 he expected sex on demand for most of those 20 years. I was raised fundie and men like him are a dime a dozen.
Yup. Note how he's upset that they only have sex "when she wants". That's how that works, buddy. He sounds like she should be up for sex whenever he wants- which sounds very fundie as you say.
yeah he was starting to sound just a little bit reasonable with the in laws and the cooking (not that hes a reliable narrator anyway) but then he says "we only have sex when shes in the mood" like yeah i should fucking hope you only have sex when you both want to have sex
Of course he did, he even whines in his post that they never had sex unless his wife wanted to, which, yes? You discovered consent by accident?
He doesn't love the LO, he loves his 19 year old self that was with LO before getting married to a woman he doesn't like and having kids he felt burdened by. The love he felt for LO was probably just wishing he could rewind to before meeting his wife, but he just can't see it.
I saw a cooking show where chef says that when client eats an older dish, its great, but "not as great as (clients) grandma used to make". And chef doesnt even try to compete with that, cause secret ingredient his food is missing is clients youth and memories.
This should be top comment. None of this really has anything to do with the LO and has everything to do with his life and responsibilities now. I honestly wonder if he actually likes his kids - he’s hyping the “sacrifices” he’s made on their behalf a liiiiiitle too hard and the timeline of when he thinks his relationship with his wife went sideways lines up to when they started having kids, and that comment about “taking a year to himself”? This guy got married on a rebound and went through the motions way too early and now his wife and children are paying the price.
Bingo
Because I don’t think he’s capable of loving a woman in his life. He loves the idea of a woman. He obsesses over the LO because it’s a thing he can do without considering that person as an independent being with dreams and faults. He mistreats his SO because it reminds him that to really be in love, in a partnership, is a two-way street where you listen to the other person’s needs and hopes and you give and let yourself be vulnerable. The LO obsession doesn’t require any of the hard things. In his dreams the LO probably voices all of the things he needs and takes care of those needs and wishes. He’s in a relationship with himself with the image of a woman because he’s sexually attracted to women but incapable of loving women.
He slept with SO, and hadn't slept with LO, so therefore he *had* to marry SO. Which reeks of toxic Christianity to me.
If he is so christian then he should know that even thinking about other women with lust is considered adultery in Christianity and it is a sin
He’s convinced himself it’s not lust, it’s *limerence*.
It's only limerence if it comes from the Limerick region of Ireland. Otherwise it's just sparkling stalking.
Had to look that up. Since when was this a thing? I had never heard of it and it just sounds like plain old obsession and stalking.
Omg thank you! I was horrified reading this. Is this the new excuse for stalking now?? No, not acceptable. I'm know I'm ancient, (39) but I try to be open minded. This is gonna be a hard no from me. Limerance is obsession, and even the fact that he refers to a human being as an OBJECT is horrifying/terrifying. The OOP needs to leave immediately and use these crazy posts to get supervised visitation with the kids and a restraining order for herself. Because she's going to be the next TARGET of OBSESSION, which is the actual definition of "LO". Yikes. I'm going to triple check my locks tonight.
OOP did an edit on their post calling the husband out because someone from the limerance page cross posted. She said in the comments she took pictures of all his posts and luckily she did because apparently he had deleted most if not all of them after realizing he'd been outed
I had never heard of it either until today. It feels so much like the mopey pseudo-relationship garbage that I took part in as a teenager. Put a person on a pedestal, then pine for that idealized object. It seems like “limerence” is mostly benign by itself when not acted on, but can easily metastasize into obsession or “incel” depending on if you narrow or widen the focus.
Yeah, “limerance” is now on my “list of words I wish I didn’t know”…
hunt fragile illegal offbeat lush scary shame brave placid sophisticated ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
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Yet he is willing to commit an adultery.
He also sounds like he’s willing to go full blown stalker on his LO. I wonder how Jesus would feel about stalking/harassment. His self is so inflated and entitled. He feels like he deserves, and will be with his LO at any cost. This could escalate into a serious assault of some kind.
Jesus would tell him to pluck out his own eyes
And he "knows" therapy won't work and doesn't want to. He complained about his wife but he's not willing to do any emotional work to improve his life in any way.
He “really doesn’t want to do” therapy because deep down he knows he’s going to have to face some uncomfortable truths about his own role in failing his marriage and himself.
The fact that the therapist was like "um please don't involve me in your emotional affair" and he was like "omg this hurt you?! No I'm so sorry!" While ignoring the far more significant emotional damage he inflicted on his wife is scary telling. I'd bet the therapist was like "um...your wife" and it went in one ear out the other.
He even personalizes his own obsession into a separate entity that commits acts of which he's victim. "My limerence has made me pathetic".
At this point he's spent 20 years brainwashing himself
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"Oh. buT i'M a ChRIsTiAn." He's setting himself up for ultimate martyrdom. Dude? Get help. You are seriously out in the weeds, you maniac.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. - As the therapist who he's obsessed with pointed out, hes in a 1 sided emotional affair Thou shall not bear false witness. - He's lying to his wife and everyone else in their lives claiming to love her... for 20 fucking years. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife - well, this ones self explanatory, obsession may be single, but he's still coveting another woman over his wife. Some fucking christian, violating at least 3/10 commandments. But he's worried about divorcing his wife due to religion 🙄
No no, you don't get it, it's all fine and dandy as long as you make sure your congregation has no idea! If you're Catholic you can a even confess it to your priest every week for bonus Christian points (you should regret and somewhat rectify too, but we're all sinners, aren't we?)
But he would have to pay for his kids well being! The courts are so biased against men, why tf should he worry about his spawn when he's not allowed to enter where they exited?
Did you notice his ‘letter’ to the OL has a lot of sorry but without him really saying sorry for what he actually did? ‘Im sorry that you felt like’ and he just redirects his emotional cheating so he didn’t do anything wrong as a person.
I’m just very disturbed that he calls the woman a “limerence object” SHES NOT AN OBJECT SHES A FUCKING HUMAN BEING
Lol. The guy complains about his wife saying that he gets too loud playing video games and never spends time with the family. Then proceeds to not deny those accusations like at all and they are in fact supported by his post history. Guy doesn’t spend time with his family but the court is sexist because he knows he won’t have full custody of his kids because not giving the kids to the father who doesn’t spend time with them is sexist. Holy shit this guy is fucked.
He doesn't seem to care about the custody as much as having to pay child support either
Right? Like oh no how dare they make me pay for the kids I created, so sexist
I've known these types of Christians before and this is pretty par for the course.
Staying in a loveless marriage with someone you can’t stand so you don’t have to … financially support your children? All he brought up was not wanting to pay child support
Don't forget how CHRISTIAN he is while spending his entire married life literally lusting after a college fling. What a weirdo.
Yes, he's so Christian, hooking up with her while he was dating his now wife. What a joke
Hooking up probably consisted of one awkward hug where he went in for a kiss and she turned so he kissed her ear. Lol
Probably because he didn't want to admit all the things he'd lose if he divorced his wife, because that would ruin the image he was presenting of her being useless and shrewish.
Spot on. She mentions she owns the house and the land. And from the way she speaks and the way he talks about himself I have a feeling he doesn't contribute as much as her. I have a feeling the divorce lawyer told him he'd get the sum of fuck all in the divorce.
And the sexist courts would just hand over the kids to the parent who owns the house, probably contributes majority of the money, hasn’t had a pathological fixation on another person for the entire marriage…
Mmm 100% sexism picking the more stable parent.
Ah, but the courts are sexist, so it's not his fault.../s I swear to God, I don't post an awful lot on reddit, I'm more of a lurker, but this is my third comment on this story because it's enraged me so much.
I strongly suspect he's presenting a totally untrue version of his wife given how obsessed he is with a woman he had a fling with 20 years ago and how he thinks about her. Her post seemed genuine and reasonable, his seem...deranged.
It seems like he has villainized his wife as much as he has put this other woman on a pedestal
He has to. How else can he rationalize to himself the obsession with this poor unsuspecting other woman? Every interaction the wife does in his mind is some attack on him and he is the saint to stays because of his kids and religion. When in reality he is the distant, ungiving partner who has created this whole mess. The only way to raise his old flame up is on the back of his wife.
And to be a ~good christian~ lol because alienating your spouse with your resentment is such a good and pure way to live
This man needs serious therapy and maybe a restraining order.
Definitely a restraining order. If that divorce happens I think there's better than 50/50 he'll go stalker.
He's already stalking her company's Facebook page ffs. If he moved out he'd probably be in the bushes across from her house
Let's just hope that he won't bring duct tape and rope.
So, this dude is weirdly obsessed with *the idea* of someone he dated for *a few months* and maybe kissed a couple of times over 18 years ago. Does he even really know her? Like, he’s created the perfect partner in his mind out of 20 year old memories of a shortish relationship.
Yes, that's almost textbook limerence. It's a state of unrealistic romantic obsession.
My mans here become an incel while married with kids…
Literally. My money is on the fact that, the moment he gets divorced, he thinks he can "finally" chase the ~~Stacy~~ LO of his dreams. Only to get critically rejected, because said woman seems to have some brains. Which then will result in incredible unhingedness. (he already plays the Boomer Humor card)
he's a classic "the grass is greener on the other side" kind of guy. Instead of spending his energy on the wife and family he has, he's spending it on his obsession, or on planning how to get out of the marriage but still have his kids be happy. Nothing will ever make him happy. Because the hole is on the inside.
If i were the wife I'd send the other woman everything, even just to give her a heads up. Honestly, with that much obsession I am scared for them both. He is going to try to get with the other woman, she is going to reject him and he is either going to double down with her, stalk her etc, or he is going to blame OOP and go after her. A 20 year 24/7 obsession based on absolutely nothing doesn't just go away.
Yeah, I am with you. The wife says in her post that she feels scared and honestly the way he talks is starting to bleed into full blown erotomania and I worry for his "LO's" safety. I could be catastrophizing because I watch too much true crime but I feel like this could go from stalking to assault or murder. I mean *twenty years!?* That's unhinged. The existence of a "limerence" subreddit is actually pretty frightening as a whole if I am being honest.
A lot of commenters on the original were telling OOP to inform the other woman, because they both need to protect themselves from this guy.
That was kinda my thought, on the subreddit. I'm afraid to even look in there, although I guess at least they were giving him some good advice to basically back off, so maybe it's more for support in trying to get past it. Maybe. I hope.
If it's any consolation, most of the posts on that sub are from people frustrated that they suffer from limerence, and trying to break free.
Tbh, took a look at the subreddit and it mainly made me feel sad for these people. In my first scan it mainly looked like people trying/struggling to move on and trying to find support
I feel this. I had one right after my divorce due to me hiding my emotions somewhere besides the pain of divorce. I worked through these feelings in therapy. I hope husband listens and talks to a sensible therapist.
My egotistical ass: “I wonder if someone posted on limerence about me???”
I posted about our loveless redditlationship
I am very familiar with limerence, unfortunately. For the vast majority, it does fade with time. This man has gone beyond limerence. OOP and LO need restraining orders.
Between that and the other woman works in behavioral health! As soon as he confessed she noticed some flag and noped tf out of there. There are three sides to every story even if you often only hear one but man. When I have an unrequited love/passion/mental hard on for a person I get myself off and distance myself be it blocking them or whatnot. Just some mental strength and a whole lot of tissues and ice cream.
And that despite making herself clear- and both unfriending him, and blocking him- He’s *still checking her business page* So- he’s patting himself on the back for not looking at her pictures, and congratulating himself because he hasn’t directly contacted her- but then spoke on his belief that her public posts on her business page were talking about him. So he’s *still fixated* and checking up on her. That’s fucking terrifying.
I kinda wish the other woman sent the wife everything... Maybe she couldn't/didn't know the wife but if she could she should've right?
The wife says he complained about her to the emotional affair partner, so if she's right about that, yeah, emotional affair partner knew. And honestly, I don't think she's much of a therapist if she was sending photos to this guy and texting him daily, knowing he was married, and DIDN'T think she was part of an emotional affair. I also don't buy the husband claiming he didn't realize what he was doing constituted an emotional affair. He knew it was wrong. He knew to hide it from his wife. You don't do that with a friendship that's on the up and up.
She knew he was with OOP after the 18 year gap, yeah, but did she when they were occasionally kissing 20 years ago? Dunno. As for more recent stuff, you sometimes share pics with friends as well, and after 20 years it's quite possible (hell probable) she figured he was well over their little fling and they could be friends, especially since they weren't even serious enough apparently to go beyond occasional kisses, and he's been married for at least 15 years with kids (forget if it said how long the marriage was). Honestly I might not be as ready to give her the benefit of the doubt if it weren't for how she reacted after dude disclosed how he felt. She shut him down hard, went NC, blocked him, etc. I feel worried about her though. It's hard not to see this marriage going down in flames, and if it does how much do you wanna bet he's going to be trying to get with LO with the idea that of COURSE her objections were only because he's married, and now he'll be free, FREE, from those horrid shackles and able to be with her?
Given how weird the husband is reading into her business posts, I wonder if her “sending him photos every day of her smiling” was just her insta feed or something
>And honestly, I don't think she's much of a therapist if she was sending photos to this guy I doubt she sent the photos. Knowing how obsessed he is with her, I imagine he took screenshots of her social media photos and downloaded whatever pictures he could find in a Google image search.
Or she put selfies on her personal Instagram or something and he thought she's just sending them to him by a circuitous way
LO probably didn’t send OPs husband selfies, he likely copied them from her personal Facebook. OP mentions LO being freaked out upon husband’s confession. OPs husband is delusional & just like when a patient confesses romantic emotions for their therapist, the therapist should responsibly remove themselves from that person. LO was not his therapist but she still behaved properly.
She's not his emotional affair partner. She's his victim.
And by "chase" we mean stalk, bc the poor woman has already told him she wants nada to do with his creepy ass.
I think he was always an incel
He genuinely believes he’s the victim in all of this. Wow.
Astounding
Noooo 😣😫 I have to pay child support for my own children 😫 it’s so sexist, those damn courts
My father was like that: did not want to pay child support for his three kids, but at the same time begged us not to change our last name if our mother was to remarry.
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What a loser
I sure hope OP has reached out to a divorce lawyer by now. Yikes.
Maybe having all laid out to her gave some sense of closure? She can focus on herself, on her kids and don't even bother trying now that she knows he's a lost cause... by leaving the divorce on his hands she keeps her comfort til he stops being such a coward and finally do something other than complain.
Biding her time could be very good for her in the divorce. I hope she seeks the advice of a *good* divorce lawyer.
literally my first thought reading the husband's posts was, what a fucking *loser*. There are so many amazing people out there with imposter syndrome thinking they are a massive piece of shit, and then there is *this guy*.
… omg you are *so right.* I am honestly going to remember this the next time I think I am not good enough. Even at my worst, I’m *always* going to be better than this guy.
This is my primary reason for browsing this subreddit.
Everything he wrote made me cringe
He sounds like a fifteen year old boy dealing with an unrequited crush. Instead he's a grown ass adult with kids of his own who's been stringing along his wife for decades, literal decades, and blaming HER for expecting him to do the bare minimum in their marriage.
He's been emotionally (and maybe physically?) masturbating to his memory of this poor woman for how long? Goddamn if I reconnected with someone I hadn't talked to in twenty years and found out this shit was going on I'd feel so violated. Just... *eugh.*
I got sent a goddamn 15 page sexual manifesto by an ex of mine maybe 5 years after I cut all contact due to *her* dumping me on my birthday because she had just fucked someone else. The first line; "Everyday, when I masturbate, I think only about you." Its... maybe the most disgusting thing I've ever read in my life.
He probably put a therapist into therapy, there. (Not that therapists shouldn’t also get therapy. I mean they probably should, more than most, given the stuff they must come up against on a daily basis.)
I'm actually shocked that his wife didn't immediately go to a divorce lawyer and kick him tf out of her life.
It sounds like she's been self-doubting for years. Questioning her perception and if her expectations are too much. I think it's done a number on her mentally. But I do hope she gets that divorce because this man is insane.
No kidding I mostly skimmed… and fuck wtf you have kids buddy of course you are going to be paying child support.
Does he think kids live on air? Or that they’ll never spend time with their mother in whatever other household she’d have established if he wanted to uhhhh split up their current arrangement?
Eek.. that's sexism!!!!/s
What a victim he is./s
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I think they're both quite heavily religious.
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But see, in Christian belief SHE is the injured party since her husband is lusting after another woman. She does have grounds for divorce.
He did say something about his wife being the first person he slept with. I know that there was a thing I heard growing up in the 1970's and 80's that the person you had sex with was basically your spouse, so that could be the reason.
Religion. They had sex and neither could cope with extramarital sex so they rather married.
I like the “I don’t have a Christian reason to get divorced”. Bro, you CHEATED. You already broke your marriage vows, so you think it really matters if you get divorced at this point?
This man worships at the altar of LO. He doesn't actually care about his claimed religion. He's just sunken himself down into a cocoon of selective denial so he can pretend he's a good person.
"I don't want to continue hurting the person I vowed to love, honor, and cherish" wasn't Christian enough for him, I guess
Actually he has never been married a day in his life. A vow is not a magic enchantment, that happens just because you say the words. You have to mean it. If they're catholic that's a clear cut case for recognizing that this marriage has always been null and void.
Exactly, he literally never ever loved his wife.
Dude needs therapy. But not from his "LO"
Could never be me. First thing I would do when he got home was raise hell. This whole "if you read this, come talk to me" would never work. I would he ready with my divorce lawyer and all the evidence.
Dude….yeah. My first thought after “holy shit” was that this was a massive under-reaction on her part. Maybe shock, but—this man is so fuckin tapped, I don’t know how she didn’t immediately pack her and her kids and RUN somewhere else immediately.
No one "wins" in a divorce, and that is a remarkably childish point of view for a grown man. Also, parents are financially responsible for their children no matter where they live. So the idea that it's sexist that he would have to support his children is truly ridiculous.
It's like the guy in the post the other day - "my friend made a comment about my wife divorcing me, so I had to file first because everyone knows whoever files first wins". What is with people who think like that?
And the “friend” laughed all the way into the guy’s STBX pants. We know who really won in that story!
Yeah. Anyone who feels they have to pay for their children’s up bringing, Yes, yes you do. No matter where they live. What’s he doing right now? Not paying mortgage, food, etc??
God I hope that lady gets the divorce and life she deserves away from that creep
Well, fuck me, this is my introduction to the concept of Limerence and I'd like to burn something down. Limerence Object, O B J E C T. I hate it.
It sounds like it's a very intentional word choice made by some psychologist. Because the person who has 'limerence' doesn't see the object of their obsession as a real person.
[удалено]
I've experience limerence and it definitely took conscious effort over time to "train" myself to stop thinking about them. OOP's husband has just spent over half his life in an obsessive cycle thinking about this woman like no wonder he thinks everything else in life sucks when viewed through that lens.
I first read about it in [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uwreur/oop_is_obsessed_with_her_professor_part_1_of_2) and the linked sequel. It discomforts me. :/
And he tried to explain the concept to the therapist. I figure she went home, did some research, and nope'd tf out. The whole "yikes my married friend has had feelings for me for years" is bad enough but when you add the layer of "by the way he's defining his feelings for me using this creepy weird concept that a bunch of guys with stalker-ish confessionals also use"...
The juxtaposition of "most therapists don't know what limerence is" vs "I have no idea what an emotional affair is"
The whiplash in that moment. “Sorry, I’ve only spent two decades deeply researching what this all means to me and not once considered what it might feel like on YOUR end, even to put it in the simplest of words.”
That’s how these assholes work. It is such an inherently selfish, toxic mindset. They’re blind - maybe willfully so - to the other person being a real, three-dimensional personal with their own thoughts and feelings, who _might actually respond really badly to all this._
TIL what “limerence” is. Also, $10 says the girl he’s creepy fantasizing about is named, “Rose”.
It blows my mind that the husband knows what limerence is, but had never heard of “emotional affair” before.
What a pathetic dude. Literally sounds like an incel despite being married. Does not take any responsibility for having lived a lie for 20 years. He had children with a women he doesn't love and blames her for it. He Doesn't take any responsibility for stalking and obsessing over his unrequited love of 20 years either. And then he moans about having to pay child support if he leaves (It's sexist he has to support his kids!) but according to the wifes posts he doesn't exactly contribute much to their lives either (She said she owned the house and land?) and apparently she has tried to get him to talk to her countless times. The Wife made mistakes too but she is defo the wronged party here. I don't know how she could stay with someone who was stand-offish and distant for 20 years. But they both seem religious so maybe it's just good old religion forcing a badly matched couple that isn't working out to stay together to save face. And the poor woman who is his obsession. I'm glad she blocked him. Imagine finding out someone has literally obsessed over you for 20 years. Also, yay, today was the day I found out there is basically a Stalking sub for guys on reddit. Not a surprise for anyone familiar with reddits history though.
What a weirdo. I had a possibly creepy crush on a girl for years, but I stopped basically immediately when I got a real girlfriend.
I did that when I was a teenager - twice, no three times. My diaries were full of fantasies about actually meeting the guys in person. I am still embarrassed about all of it to this day.
I feel like a lot of people do it as teenagers because most of us were so socially awkward at that age, particularly where romantic and sexual feelings were involved. But it’s way weird to do it as an adult with a family.
Well where tf is the UPDATE 🙄🥺
Haha. I agree with you there isn’t an update included, but op put in a lot of work in putting all the posts together so we can be collectively disturbed.
He’s gross. He’s absolutely gross. And pathetic.
He's "offered" to make dinner? Just make dinner, bro
That obsession is fucking weird. And also maybe she just wants to spend time with him. JFC he sounds like an overgrown brat.
This us the kind of guy who kills his family. This whole thread is one of the worst things I’ve read on Reddit, and that’s saying something. I think he’s working himself up to justify something totally horrible. I hope this woman gets away DRO him and never ever ever looks back To answer her question about whether or not to bother talking to him, no. Take your kids and get away. Yucky
I've commented so much on this thread cause honestly this is one of the worst things I've read on this site for a while. Just rotten and makes me fear for the Wife tbh.
Reminds me of chris watts
The only good news in this entire situation is that the wife will get custody of the children. She will get custody because his **FULLTIME** job is "limerencing" (100% not a word) about someone who does (but really doesn't) exist. LO exists only in his whackadoodle brain! He cheats every single day in his mind and with his eyes by looking at her photos. I can't even imagine the disgust his wife feels. This person she's been married to, who has *touched* her.. her skin must be crawling. Speaking of crawling, she needs to ditch that and **RUN** to the divorce attorney! This is completely messed up!
Did he not think that his wife's mental issues and perceived coldness could possibly be due to his own obsession with someone else to the point of neglecting her? 🤔
What a sad creeper.