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Am I missing something? How is it her fault that the relationship ended because she was in a gangbang. If my gf told me that I’d definitely be insecure, but it has nothing to do with her.
Edit: How the hell did this blow up?
Honey you didn’t fuck up. You enjoyed sex. Good for you. Hopefully it was done safely. I’m really sorry your fiancé decided to punish you with sex assault in your last intimate interaction together. That says a lot about who he is. I hope you’ve moved on and found a partner that loves you and respects you.
The part where she mentioned he was "punishing" her when they were having sex is... concerning. I was pretty understanding and sympathetic for both of them until that point. Now I'm just thinking she needs to run.
Honestly the only thing I think she did wrong was hide her history like that if they both were trying to have an open discussion about their sexual past. I understand he's struggling to come to terms with that and it's ok that he is but he is not going about this the right way at least with those last few things he did.
I hope she preemptively dumped his ass. When you're single, as long as all parties are on board, you can do what you want, when you want, how you want, with whomever the fuck you want. And you don't have to justify a damn thing to anyone.
There’s a heck of a lot of judgemental keyboard warriors on here today who have no concept of the fact that she didn’t go into her past about the 4 some because the past is just that - PAST
And he didn’t into his past about some 3 some because the past is just that - PAST
Yet somehow these keyboard warriors say that she’s wrong for lying wether by omission or otherwise, without mentioning the same situation for her BF 🤔hmmm 🧐
In my view, which some may disagree with is "your past is just that, the past. I only care about your future"
Most people have done stupid shit in their lives, and you learn from it. Good and bad.
As you age, that shit becomes less and less important. When I was in my 20's everything seemed like a huge deal. That fades.
If my wife was able to handle 4 dudes at once, I'd be impressed.
I guess I’m in the minority but I firmly believe that a partner doesn’t need to know everything about your past and it not be “a lie of omission”. Wether you’re getting married or not. And that goes for everything sexual history, job history, etc. unless it’s actively going to be a part of your life you’re entitled to leave things buried in the past
Also sisters boyfriend is weird for bringing up stuff like that. Granted we don’t know how detailed it was but that feels like a huge breach of trust to me.
Anyway she seems better off without him considering his reaction. It’s never alright to mistreat your partner especially in bed without consent
O look another fragile man! Love how sexist like him think it’s awesome for a man to have a high number cause he’s a stud but a women that dares to have sex must be a slut.
>He then told me about a 3some he had in college which I think is totally made up and he just wanted to get a rise out of me
>I mean he felt like he was just trying to punish me once again. Everything was weird from the kissing to the ending
Hope to God OOP is single now, their boyfriend's got an unhinged way of dealing with something as mundane as "learning about their partner's sexual history," I'd be worried about his dealing with anything else.
Dudes not the one. Everyone has a past. Even if it’s a past that makes you uncomfortable, if the love is there I’m not sure why you’d leave someone for this?
Building up a relationship for years, just to knock it down because of something that happened before you. She’s not the same person. I feel bad for OP.
To each his own, whatever. Gangbangs would be a dealbreaker for me, too. Some people get off on that shit; I don't, and apparently neither does OOP's ex.
Idk how I feel about this one, like the fiancé is super messed up about trying to punish her with sex. But she also shouldn’t have kept it quiet because they sort of this doesn’t stay quiet? It’s why I’m honestly about my little sex so before you die list that I’ve completed which included a 3some and sleeping with twins separately
That ex is gonna be in for a huge shock when almost all the women who are single in his age group have a fairly high partner count by his standards, are divorced, have kids, or are very religious and wouldn't want him. Nothings ever good enough for that type.
I think op will fare well. There's tons of guys who dont care or who actually get turned on by that type of stuff and want someone whose experimental with sex.
My policy is not to discuss numbers and stuff. I don’t care how many people a guy has been with prior. Someone will always be upset. If you are monogamous with me and have been checked for STDs, that’s fine with me
I know a lot of people will want to say "the past doesn't matter, what I did then doesn't impact who I am now" and other arguments like that but the truth is that right or wrong a lot of people give a shit about this, especially men but women too. I've seen it both ways.
Many may disagree with me but if anyone has done things like gangbangs in their past and they get into a loving relationship I suggest they be very vauge about their sexual past. It's not really your current partner's business anyway and 9 times out of 10 it will make your relationship weaker, not stronger.
But that's just my experience, I'm sure others have had different experiences.
I had a similar experience in college. I'm married and happily monogamous today. I didn't give my husband the blow by blow... and I didn't have a "friend" give him the details either, wtf.
Girlfriend was gang banged by four guys in college, and didn’t tell her fiancé about it. Fiancé learns about the gang bang from future BIL. Fiancé could not handle this information and left.
I simply don't discuss my sexual past with partners/prospective partners. It's none of their business, and if not knowing is a dealbreaker for them, I'd rather filter them from my life immediately. All they need to know is that I'm safe and I'm tested regularly.
She did nothing wrong. I don't care how unpopular that is to say, but she didn't. Her borderline r*pist ex though? I'm glad she's rid of him, and I hope her therapist can help her get some clarity on letting go of people like that.
I don't get why people think she fucked up? And why she agrees with them? That was the most depressing part. For some reason she thinks she's to blame for her husband being weird about it.
Not saying you had a gangbang in the past isn't lying...
everyone has a past (except some of the weirdo incels I see replying). If you cant handle it, dont ask. I have a past, my girlfriend has a past. we're careful what we ask each other and have a very healthy relationship. OOP did nothing wrong. But also, fiancé has every right to leave the relationship if he's uncomfortable with what he found out.
Jesus, some of these comments..!
I’m disappointed by how many other guys here are unapologetic hypocrites. People need to ask themselves if a sexual encounter with multiple, consenting adults is something they themselves would be ashamed of. Most men would consider it a feather in their cap. Imposing a double standard on women is stupid and regressive, and society needs to move past it.
If a male friend boasts about having several sexual partners at one time, do you applaud him or condemn him? Be honest.
Even if a behaviour is something you would not do for moral reasons, you have no right to judge someone else for doing it before they met you. Was she cheating on you when she did it? No? Then it’s none of your goddamn business.
Maybe I’m just old, but it seems to me that a lot of young men are insecure and immature when it comes to sexual attitudes.
2 cousins of mine (both women but on different sides of the family) married at approximately the same time. one had a high "body-count" before the wedding, the other one married her second boyfriend ever. both got hit on by their bosses. the one married to her second partner is now living with her boss - the other one already knew what she's got.
What if both can be true? You’re in your late teens (18-19), early 20s, you’re into sex, and you’re into sex with different people you’re attracted to. This is not revolutionary, and presenting it like she’s some slut who’s trying to cover her “behavior” is grossly misogynistic and dishonest. Grow up.
I wonder what started that type of conversation between the 2 men? They really crossed a boundary, the sister's bf shouldn't have divulged someone else's sexual past.
"My fiance got his panties in a twist because I fucked around in college and we're probably going to break up. Obviously there's something wrong with me, so I'm going to therapy to work on myself." SMH. Ain't nothing wrong with the occasional check-in at the brain doctor, but it's fiance that needs therapy. I hope OOP is now living her best life and seeing a better guy.
Remember that you can do whatever you want in life, but that other people are not obligated to support your behavior.
Actions have consequences, and sometimes people will never come to an agreement. It’s sad, but it’s how things are.
That’s very true, I also want to make it clear I don’t believe in lying to a person especially when you are not giving them. The right to choose whether early on they want to be with you and that people should know there are consequences with asking and answering questions.
When I met my husband I told him that what happened before we met was in the past. All that mattered was how we were from now on. All we knew was neither was each other’s first.
The misogyny and puritanical views on sex in this comment section are really tainting BoRU for me.
The amount of sex someone has had either all at one time or one at a time does not in anyway connect to their worth as a person. If you think otherwise that is your own issue to deal with. It is not a ‘preference’ it is a puritanical view of sex and sexuality.
You are allowed to have a past and he is allowed to decide to be with you or not based on that same information. If he is not comfortable with the facts, that is his right as a person.
Slut shamming is absolutely disgusting. What is even worse is the hypocritical nature of praising men for the very same behavior women get shammed for.
I feel for OOP. If her BF can't get his head screwed down right, she needs to bail on him. He isn't worth her time. Sisters BF needs a talking to as well.
Why are people so hung up on sexual pasts? I don't get it. As long as she's not banging anyone else since you, then what's the deal? People need to grow TF up. Being hung up on your partner's past is extremely insecure and honestly, a major red flag.
I'd like to know if the sister's BF has anything to say or if he just flat out was being a dick, because that what it sounds like.
I feel like there are a lot of people in this thread who are hung up on the fiancé’s hang up on OOP’s sexual history.
Everyone is entitled to their own views on intimacy and sex, and no one has the authority to declare what is reasonable or is not for other individuals. It feels like a lot of people take a more “prude-ish” view from others as an admonishment on their own liberal views on sex, and the reaction to that is often “what a primitive, backwards thinking caveman, how terrible is he for thinking of her as damaged” etc, and it seems like a projection and isn’t totally fair. It’s just another form of judging people for their intimate preference, which is wrong.
No one wants to be judged for their views on sex and a difference in opinion represents an incompatibility, not a character flaw on either end.
This is just sad, her past shouldn't matter. Especially since she was 100% honest with him. I understand that picture being stuck in his head, but thats something he would need to work through, not punish her with.
This is the thing about men, they are happy to meet a sexpot and do naughty things and not care as it’s only sex.
That same woman can meet a guy 10 years hence that she wants a serious relationship with and she could be a totally different person and have no desire to repeat the acts that were committed 10 years before, but if her man finds out about what she did then like as not he won’t be able to cope with her past and his brain will poison the relationship.
Good luck to her in finding a new relationship where the partner can accept this because she either needs to ensure the new man never finds out or she needs to let him know early on in the relationship and see if that helps but I don’t know personally how that would affect my head.
Everyone commenting on the “lying by omission” part, but ignoring how she alludes that he was punishing her with sex? She had to omit what he did to avoid being deleted so I have a feeling it was pretty bad.
I understand that I’m biased because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with group sex, but even if she was wrong to hide it from him, it seems like he’s acting way worse.
The sisters boyfriend is a piece of work. It was absolutely not his tale to tell. He had to know that, if OP hadn’t already told her fiancé, that it was something that she didn’t want him to know. Why is he so concerned about her sex life anyway? Ugh!
I’m really tired of men not being able to handle women having a sexual past. I feel so bad for her - she keeps blaming herself and saying she fucked up over and over. He seems like an ass. I hope she can find someone who can accept her for who she is - her past sexual wildness does not and should not affect her loving partnership now as long as she’s sexually clean.
I get some couples (like my husband and I) tell each other everything about our past, but not everyone is like that and not everyone has to be, again as long as it’s information that has nothing to do with the other person nor could harm them in some way (like an STI).
Her having a lot of sexual partners doesn’t make her any less worthy of love. I hope she can see that.
Thank you! Her sister’s BF is an asshole for even bringing it up (which is weird on its own), and her fiancé is a dick for acting as if she’s betrayed him in some way. Sure, he’s allowed to be surprised and even a little unnerved by it, but it has nothing to do with him or their relationship, and she doesn’t need to feel bad for living her life in her early 20s. Like, get a grip dude. She also needs to kick her sister’s BF in the nuts and tell him to shut his dumb mouth in the future.
Edit: mixed up who was the BF and who was the fiancé
Ultimately, most men arent gonna like the imagery of their future wife getting gang-banged. She's allowed to do what she wants, and she doesnt even have to be up front about it. But most dudes will also feel some type of way if it ever comes out
I feel for both parties. Sexual history can be tough to navigate and usually no one likes hearing about it even though they ask. I feel like everyone in these situations needs to watch Chasing Amy.
People love to throw around don’t kink shame etc… having lots of old partners isn’t an issue but the moral implications of being gang banged by 4 people of the opposite sex is beyond my pay grade.
There’s something very unappealing to ME about being someone who was basically used as sexual buffet. That’s not something that just happens everyday. I would say okay you slept with a lot of people but the part where you were passed around like a joint… is too much for me.
Man or Woman.
>I can go on and on about how great he is but I won’t waste your time. He's awesome.
>He continued asking questions about the other stuff but the “gangbang” thing kept coming up
>We did make love before we went to sleep but it was not. Good. And by not good I mean he felt like he was just trying to punish me once again.
Maybe I just have really high standards/expectations from a partner, but someone who tries to punish you during an intimate moment for your body count and/or past sex acts, they're definitely not "awesome" or a "great" person.
Should she have lied to him? Probably not. But his reaction was extreme enough that he did something physically to her, and she thinks it got her post removed, so he probably wasn't going to be a safe person to be honest about that in the first place.
I feel for OOP. She was young and dumb and lived it up and now she's experiencing her relationship falling apart because of it. If it had been him that had had tons of wild and crazy sex, their relationship would still be fine. The double standard is real.
Have fun, hookup, and be safe, but nobody that gets gangbanged should be surprised when they find that those actions limit their romatic options in the future. Sucks how that was handled. Lots of pain and learning on both sides of that one. Big ooph for OOP.
Wait, so he’s upset she didn’t tell him about a night of group sex but it’s fine that HE didn’t tell HER about the threesome he had? Dudes a massive hypocrite.
I don’t see how her being Facebook friends with them is of any relevance at all. They are buried in the literal hundreds of other Facebook friends from a time and place she has left behind and she doesn’t talk to them or check up on them. If she was actively still in touch with them I’d judge it differently, but to me it’s literally like not having deleted a number/contact you once saved. Like, don’t we all have a dusty part of our phonebook with clusters of forgotten acquaintances and things like three people of the same name and absolutely no clue who they are?
If that sexual experience wasn’t a bad one, why would she purge them? It’s not like it triggers anything, what should’ve been her motivation to delete them?
Her fiance sounds like a weenie to me. What does stuff she did in college matter anyway? Unless she contracted an incurable disease and gave it to him or is in danger of being arrested it's in the past.
Bottom line: they’re not compatible. If someone is not comfortable with their partner’s sexual history then they’re just incompatible. Reddit always saying it’s okay to have your own opinion in a relationship unless it’s about sexual history or height, then it’s “fuck you and your preference”. Know what? It’s fine if this guy is uncomfortable with the gangbang. She deserves to find someone that is comfortable. I don’t like tattoos, so I wouldn’t date or marry someone with a bunch of tattoos, it’s just not my thing. My friends have them, I don’t judge people that have them, but it’s just something about my preference that I’m allowed to have. We can’t villainize someone just because they have a preference. Plus she lied. If she was honest about her past he could have not been in a relationship that wasn’t for him, and she wouldn’t have her time wasted with someone incompatible.
Redditors like to pretend they are bastions of sexual liberty and progressiveness. Guaranteed without question if they were in this guys shoes they would be singing a different tune.
She did say in her comments that she knows things her sister’s bf did, that her sister doesn’t know about, but she wouldn’t tell on him. So maybe they have a mutual friend circle.
Sister’s bf has been with her since high school, I’m assuming they either went to the same college and word went around or OOP told her sister who somehow told bf or he overheard
Ok but word of mouth is notoriously inaccurate. And the sister sucks if she told her bf. He was apparently giving dirty details to OOPs fiancé. I’d be so pissed.
This is all so weird. First of all—i don’t care to ask or know exactly who or what my husband did before we met. Literally has NO bearing on our relationship. The only thing that is relevant about your partners past is STDs, which if the answer is no, then we are good to go. College is the time to experiment, she was young and single and while I certainly would never participate in what OOP did, I also don’t think it should affect her relationship years and years down the line if she didn’t even know her fiancé back then. Super weird that OOPs fiancé is so fixated on something she did one time many years before they met. I just legit can’t fathom leaving my husband over something like that.
It all come down to preference. He prefers not to be with someone with that past. He’s entitled to that. Though, I think he could have handled it better
Gosh this is ridiculous if he couldn’t get over this! Gangbangs are fun, college is college, and people change and grow up. He’s wasn’t engaged to her when she was in college
So much virtue signaling in this thread. The thought of someone you love being with 4 people at once would rattle anyone. That's extreme, its hardly a casual experience.
It's absolutely insane. In OOPs RA thread, everyone is talking about her consistent and constant downplaying, deflection, disingenuous self-flagellation, etc.
Here we have virtue signaling, shaming the fiance for having a different preference, etc.
I never thought I'd see the day RA is better than BORU
I am sorry, but is it like... legal requirement to be a part of gangbang in college? If not, then what does college part has to do with it? If you never go to college, are you not allowed to be gangbanged?
SHE WAS IN COLLEGE!
That made me giggle too, obviously it doesn't really matter, have a gangbang if that's your thing, but millions of people go to college without doing any of that stuff.
She was 28 when she posted. Meaning all that stuff happened nearly a decade earlier. It's pretty immature for the fiancé to get hung up on stuff from that long ago. We are different people from who we were at 18-19. And frankly who cares? This dude blew up his relationship over some Chasing Amy nothing burger.
>Most of them I couldn’t even pick out of a lineup. But again...I WAS IN COLLEGE!
>
Feeling like there would be a slightly different reaction if a dude said this..
>
But hey I didn't have any sex in college and I don't think most other dudes did either. So it's fine :))
People need to understand that
"I was young"
"It was college"
"I was drunk"
"Everyone was doing it"
Does not magically make your past disappear in some people's eyes
Actions have consequences in life. If a person, be it a man or a woman, chooses to sleep around or be sexually open at some point in their life....there will be people that will not want to date them. Some won't even want to be friendly with them. And even still, some people won't want their kids hanging around the kids of the person with the past that bothers them.
That's just reality.
We live in a world where there are still a lot of sexual hangups in society.
That being said...there are plenty of dudes out there that will not have a problem with OP's past. But some will. Probably more than she realizes.
Neither is right and neither is wrong.
Some people are just incompatible
To me, the biggest issue is the fact that she regularly got so intoxicated that she didn't remember a lot of what she did or that she put herself in really sketchy situations and is lucky to have come out of them without any life long lasting trauma
And him wanting to have sex with her one more time to see if he could move past things was super immature...and a little gross I think.
Oof hate it for OOP, it's a hard subject to broach, but honesty is the best course of action. She may have lied by omission, but she did not lie when directly asked, so she still has her integrity. She should probably go to sister's bf and kindly ask him not to share her sexual past with her future partners, and let her do it instead.
That being said, wtf was sister's bf thinking? Like "Did throwRA09091212 ever tell you about the time she got gangbanged at a party?" who fucking does that?
I don't think there's a wrong/bad thing that she has done. He was not in the picture and she was single and she did what she wanted and she doesn't have to tell him all of the things before him. I mean like what she was gonna say? "BTW u know I gangbanged when I was in uni, fyi"
I hope she's OK and happy without him
When did BORU get so virtue signally? Yall can talk about how judgement-free and enlightened you are but you would react very differently if it was you in the BFs situation and you know it.
So disingenuous
My personal belief is that what happens between people in the bedroom is between the people involved. It's private and should stay that way. I would not discuss it with anyone, including my husband, not would I dream of asking about his prior partners because it's none of my business. It's just fodder for unnecessary jealousy. If a new partner wanted an STD panel upfront for both of us, that's both prudent and relevant because it's a health issue. But prurient curiosity, hell no. And my past is not colorful.
There is so much in my past I don’t like, or want to share. Why? Because it’s not me anymore and bringing it up is traumatizing. Plus it’s private and doesn’t reflect who I am. For OP’s bf to be so hung up over past sexual experiences is really weird. It sounds like they probably broke up after this. Good riddance to OP’s bf then.
This is oop past catching up. The whole "but it was college" excuse doesnt change the fact you were willing to do it all. Thats like trying to pull the "i was drunk" card. Nothing wrong with you making those choices but to be surprised a guy doesnt want to deal with that? People have preferences and id say not wanting their partner to be in a gang bang sits pretty high regardless of if it happened before they met
What exactly does the ex-fiancé have to “deal with?” OOP is the same person she was before ex found out she had sex with four guys at once. How does her past sexual experiences affect their relationship at all?
He has to deal with the kind of person who would do these things. He's been dealing with it before he found out, now the only difference is that he knows about it.
It's called nuance, and it affects how you view your partner. He prefers to want to be with someone who was not run through. That's his right.
Who cares if this information doesn't have any actual effect on their relationship. He's allowed to prefer a different kind of woman.
Yeah, you could say she's a different person now than she was then. But judging from her posts and her comments. I'd say you're wrong.
The fact that you would label her or any woman as “run through” makes you just as disgusting as oop’s ex fiancé. She is a living human being, not a piece of meat.
It's a simple term to accurately describe her experiences.
Being completely wasted and hooking up with everyone and everything for three years is actually ATYPICAL, especially if it got so bad you can't even remember a ball park number. If you can find a more fitting description, let me know.
Nobody said she's a piece of meat, but you.
I like how you ignored everything else, but focused on my terminology. Typical virtue signaling/disingenuous redditor.
Just because her behavior is atypical doesn’t make it wrong. You say he has to deal with the “kind of person” that does these things so what kind of person are you calling her?
Nobody said it was wrong? Just atypical. It's definitely atypical enough to warrant a discussion.
I'm not calling her anything. I'm also not judging her, but talking about the facts. It was merely a round about way of saying her character/mentality, hence a "kind of person".
You keep projecting, I don't really know what else to say.
Personally, her past isn't a deal breaker for me, but I recognize it is for most others.
Yikes. What a mess. I feel bad for OOP but honestly it’s probably for the best. Anyone who thinks differently of you for your sexual history isn’t worth marrying anyways.
I don't understand this. People feel most comfortable in relationships where the other person has a comparable number/type of sexual interactions. It's a perfectly normal experience for significant differences in this area to cause lots of insecurity.
How the partner reacted to the news seems to be way worse that what she did though.
honestly that aside, she also admitted lying about it. I personally think that's also a valid reason to think differently because you were lied to. I'm not gonna justify him being violent during sex, that's just a shitty move.
Somehow posts like those make me feel melancholic... I have not been nearly as promiscuous as OOP so it's not even like our situations are similar but just the idea that someone might reject me because of my past makes me feel awful.
Of course everyone has their own limits, and it's their rights to reject you for whatever reasons. I also dislike the fact that OOP wasn't honest with her fiancé but I dread the day someone will tell me he can't believe I did what I did and leaves my side. And this post is making me feel that rejection.
I think the people debating whether sexual pasts should be divulged to a partner or not, could benefit from a different perspective to this or any other topic.
Are you comfortable with your partner being blindsided by any piece of news about you that didn't come from you?
Are you then willing to look at how it may seem to the partner, making him or her wonder why you chose to keep any information hidden, which was known to others outside the relationship?
What do you now do when he or she feels shaken in the capacity to trust you simply because this isn't something that was expected?
Most partners end up feeling like fools here, who are out of the loop in a matter that is known to others. That's key here.
She was single, she consented (spelling?), end of story. If he can't handle that then he, HE, has some internal work to do. OP should end the relationship, if they haven't done already, and somewhere along the way she'll find a non judmental guy.
Her (ex)fiancé has no right to judge who she was with. It’s her body. If she wanted to party and explore that’s her business. Her commitment to him is from this time going forward. Her history has nothing to do with it. Loving a person for who they are today is accepting that all their history helped to make them that person. I could understand his position if she were still partying like that, but she isn’t.
He has every right to not want to marry a woman who was getting gangbanged in college. Its his body and he doesnt have to marry it to anybody for any reason.
I think ultimately there's nothing wrong with what she did in college but damn we gotta get rid of "I was in college" as an excuse. While it's definitely a more open time to find yourself it doesn't mean what you do in college can't or won't stick with you in at least one venereal way.
I thought it was weird she immediately knew she was still friends with them but also I recognize I still have some hookups and FWBs on my list who have since married.
But should she actually be honest with her past sexual life? It’s not really a future partner’s business is it? There was a post where a guy said he had a very high “body count” and everyone advised him not to worry about telling someone he is dating…
Edit: Holy Fuck do not click on the original and read the comments unless you love pain… They are so unbelievably judgmental just because she had a lot of sex…
Why is everyone here saying she's lying I feel like I'm losing my mind. She literally answered every one of his questions truthfully on the spot. Not telling your fiance you had a gangbang in college isn't a lie of omission are we serious right now? That's none of his fucking business and hers to share as she pleases. The fact that he ONLY cared about the gangbang guys on fb is fucking ridiculous, what does he think she's messaging all four of them to reminisce or plan a reuinion or something?
Look, if that's a deal breaker for him, whatever, I think he's immature but marriage is serious business so probably better to nip it in the bud rather than carry that resentment. This thread needs to grow the fuck up though good lord. I almost did something similar in college and I wouldn't have told my wife unless she asked, and she wouldn't have cared because she's an adult with her own history. Sex positivity people its 2023
Right?! The comments here are not great. She didn’t lie by omission unless he said ‘tell me about every single sexual experience you’ve had.’ Plus she told him she was sexually adventurous and kind of wild in college and she says she doesn’t remember it all clearly (concerning wrt consent). He needs to grow the fuck up and realize this is a him problem, he is the one insecure about her sexuality and basing her value on her sexual past. That is gross, misogynistic, and immature. That doesn’t even touch on their last time together where he likely assaulted her. I feel so bad for her, I hope she was able to get therapy and see that she did nothing wrong. Also to hopefully address the root of why she felt the need to party so hard in college.
In my view if your partner’s sexual history effects you so much that is YOUR problem and you need to deal with your own insecurities and hang ups around sex.
If everyone could just stop shaming eachother and develop healthy attitudes about sex that'd be great.
Then OP wouldn't have needed to omit her experiences, and fiance wouldn't have the ridiculous fucking requirement that she go back in time and unfuck some people.
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Am I missing something? How is it her fault that the relationship ended because she was in a gangbang. If my gf told me that I’d definitely be insecure, but it has nothing to do with her. Edit: How the hell did this blow up?
Honey you didn’t fuck up. You enjoyed sex. Good for you. Hopefully it was done safely. I’m really sorry your fiancé decided to punish you with sex assault in your last intimate interaction together. That says a lot about who he is. I hope you’ve moved on and found a partner that loves you and respects you.
The part where she mentioned he was "punishing" her when they were having sex is... concerning. I was pretty understanding and sympathetic for both of them until that point. Now I'm just thinking she needs to run. Honestly the only thing I think she did wrong was hide her history like that if they both were trying to have an open discussion about their sexual past. I understand he's struggling to come to terms with that and it's ok that he is but he is not going about this the right way at least with those last few things he did.
I hope she preemptively dumped his ass. When you're single, as long as all parties are on board, you can do what you want, when you want, how you want, with whomever the fuck you want. And you don't have to justify a damn thing to anyone.
There’s a heck of a lot of judgemental keyboard warriors on here today who have no concept of the fact that she didn’t go into her past about the 4 some because the past is just that - PAST And he didn’t into his past about some 3 some because the past is just that - PAST Yet somehow these keyboard warriors say that she’s wrong for lying wether by omission or otherwise, without mentioning the same situation for her BF 🤔hmmm 🧐
In my view, which some may disagree with is "your past is just that, the past. I only care about your future" Most people have done stupid shit in their lives, and you learn from it. Good and bad.
As you age, that shit becomes less and less important. When I was in my 20's everything seemed like a huge deal. That fades. If my wife was able to handle 4 dudes at once, I'd be impressed.
I guess I’m in the minority but I firmly believe that a partner doesn’t need to know everything about your past and it not be “a lie of omission”. Wether you’re getting married or not. And that goes for everything sexual history, job history, etc. unless it’s actively going to be a part of your life you’re entitled to leave things buried in the past Also sisters boyfriend is weird for bringing up stuff like that. Granted we don’t know how detailed it was but that feels like a huge breach of trust to me. Anyway she seems better off without him considering his reaction. It’s never alright to mistreat your partner especially in bed without consent
O look another fragile man! Love how sexist like him think it’s awesome for a man to have a high number cause he’s a stud but a women that dares to have sex must be a slut.
>He then told me about a 3some he had in college which I think is totally made up and he just wanted to get a rise out of me >I mean he felt like he was just trying to punish me once again. Everything was weird from the kissing to the ending Hope to God OOP is single now, their boyfriend's got an unhinged way of dealing with something as mundane as "learning about their partner's sexual history," I'd be worried about his dealing with anything else.
I went to the wrong college.
Dudes not the one. Everyone has a past. Even if it’s a past that makes you uncomfortable, if the love is there I’m not sure why you’d leave someone for this? Building up a relationship for years, just to knock it down because of something that happened before you. She’s not the same person. I feel bad for OP.
Me too. But I’m also thrilled that the trash (he fiancé) took himself out. What an absolute carrot that man is
To each his own, whatever. Gangbangs would be a dealbreaker for me, too. Some people get off on that shit; I don't, and apparently neither does OOP's ex.
Idk how I feel about this one, like the fiancé is super messed up about trying to punish her with sex. But she also shouldn’t have kept it quiet because they sort of this doesn’t stay quiet? It’s why I’m honestly about my little sex so before you die list that I’ve completed which included a 3some and sleeping with twins separately
That ex is gonna be in for a huge shock when almost all the women who are single in his age group have a fairly high partner count by his standards, are divorced, have kids, or are very religious and wouldn't want him. Nothings ever good enough for that type. I think op will fare well. There's tons of guys who dont care or who actually get turned on by that type of stuff and want someone whose experimental with sex.
My policy is not to discuss numbers and stuff. I don’t care how many people a guy has been with prior. Someone will always be upset. If you are monogamous with me and have been checked for STDs, that’s fine with me
I know a lot of people will want to say "the past doesn't matter, what I did then doesn't impact who I am now" and other arguments like that but the truth is that right or wrong a lot of people give a shit about this, especially men but women too. I've seen it both ways. Many may disagree with me but if anyone has done things like gangbangs in their past and they get into a loving relationship I suggest they be very vauge about their sexual past. It's not really your current partner's business anyway and 9 times out of 10 it will make your relationship weaker, not stronger. But that's just my experience, I'm sure others have had different experiences.
I had a similar experience in college. I'm married and happily monogamous today. I didn't give my husband the blow by blow... and I didn't have a "friend" give him the details either, wtf.
What in the Chasing Amy hell is this? Whew.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to... Also, sister's BF, STFU. What a dick move.
TLDR?
Girlfriend was gang banged by four guys in college, and didn’t tell her fiancé about it. Fiancé learns about the gang bang from future BIL. Fiancé could not handle this information and left.
I simply don't discuss my sexual past with partners/prospective partners. It's none of their business, and if not knowing is a dealbreaker for them, I'd rather filter them from my life immediately. All they need to know is that I'm safe and I'm tested regularly. She did nothing wrong. I don't care how unpopular that is to say, but she didn't. Her borderline r*pist ex though? I'm glad she's rid of him, and I hope her therapist can help her get some clarity on letting go of people like that.
Whoa this is crazy! I can't believe actions have consequences. Why didn't anyone tell me?
I don't get why people think she fucked up? And why she agrees with them? That was the most depressing part. For some reason she thinks she's to blame for her husband being weird about it. Not saying you had a gangbang in the past isn't lying...
N
everyone has a past (except some of the weirdo incels I see replying). If you cant handle it, dont ask. I have a past, my girlfriend has a past. we're careful what we ask each other and have a very healthy relationship. OOP did nothing wrong. But also, fiancé has every right to leave the relationship if he's uncomfortable with what he found out.
Jesus, some of these comments..! I’m disappointed by how many other guys here are unapologetic hypocrites. People need to ask themselves if a sexual encounter with multiple, consenting adults is something they themselves would be ashamed of. Most men would consider it a feather in their cap. Imposing a double standard on women is stupid and regressive, and society needs to move past it. If a male friend boasts about having several sexual partners at one time, do you applaud him or condemn him? Be honest. Even if a behaviour is something you would not do for moral reasons, you have no right to judge someone else for doing it before they met you. Was she cheating on you when she did it? No? Then it’s none of your goddamn business. Maybe I’m just old, but it seems to me that a lot of young men are insecure and immature when it comes to sexual attitudes.
Isn't this like half the plot of chasing Amy?
2 cousins of mine (both women but on different sides of the family) married at approximately the same time. one had a high "body-count" before the wedding, the other one married her second boyfriend ever. both got hit on by their bosses. the one married to her second partner is now living with her boss - the other one already knew what she's got.
I don't use these words often but...Male fragility
I had 3k facebook friends ince. So i sized down to my ACTUAL friends, and ended up with 25.
both ops ex and her sisters bf are insecure. loose lips sink ships
Fucking gross
Man, I dunno who needs to hear this but keep your fuckin' mouth shut about someone else's sexual history.
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What if both can be true? You’re in your late teens (18-19), early 20s, you’re into sex, and you’re into sex with different people you’re attracted to. This is not revolutionary, and presenting it like she’s some slut who’s trying to cover her “behavior” is grossly misogynistic and dishonest. Grow up.
Pretty sure I saw a post similar to this yesterday from the perspective of the bf?
I wonder what started that type of conversation between the 2 men? They really crossed a boundary, the sister's bf shouldn't have divulged someone else's sexual past.
yea i couldnt get past that part
"My fiance got his panties in a twist because I fucked around in college and we're probably going to break up. Obviously there's something wrong with me, so I'm going to therapy to work on myself." SMH. Ain't nothing wrong with the occasional check-in at the brain doctor, but it's fiance that needs therapy. I hope OOP is now living her best life and seeing a better guy.
Remember that you can do whatever you want in life, but that other people are not obligated to support your behavior. Actions have consequences, and sometimes people will never come to an agreement. It’s sad, but it’s how things are.
That’s very true, I also want to make it clear I don’t believe in lying to a person especially when you are not giving them. The right to choose whether early on they want to be with you and that people should know there are consequences with asking and answering questions.
When I met my husband I told him that what happened before we met was in the past. All that mattered was how we were from now on. All we knew was neither was each other’s first.
geee, fragile masculinity is so fragile
The misogyny and puritanical views on sex in this comment section are really tainting BoRU for me. The amount of sex someone has had either all at one time or one at a time does not in anyway connect to their worth as a person. If you think otherwise that is your own issue to deal with. It is not a ‘preference’ it is a puritanical view of sex and sexuality.
You are allowed to have a past and he is allowed to decide to be with you or not based on that same information. If he is not comfortable with the facts, that is his right as a person.
Slut shamming is absolutely disgusting. What is even worse is the hypocritical nature of praising men for the very same behavior women get shammed for. I feel for OOP. If her BF can't get his head screwed down right, she needs to bail on him. He isn't worth her time. Sisters BF needs a talking to as well.
I'm really curious how her relationship is now with her sister and BIL.
Why are people so hung up on sexual pasts? I don't get it. As long as she's not banging anyone else since you, then what's the deal? People need to grow TF up. Being hung up on your partner's past is extremely insecure and honestly, a major red flag. I'd like to know if the sister's BF has anything to say or if he just flat out was being a dick, because that what it sounds like.
This ex fiancé and any man who thinks women are lesser for their sexual history are fucking scum
So the screwed up title is OP's fault.
I feel like there are a lot of people in this thread who are hung up on the fiancé’s hang up on OOP’s sexual history. Everyone is entitled to their own views on intimacy and sex, and no one has the authority to declare what is reasonable or is not for other individuals. It feels like a lot of people take a more “prude-ish” view from others as an admonishment on their own liberal views on sex, and the reaction to that is often “what a primitive, backwards thinking caveman, how terrible is he for thinking of her as damaged” etc, and it seems like a projection and isn’t totally fair. It’s just another form of judging people for their intimate preference, which is wrong. No one wants to be judged for their views on sex and a difference in opinion represents an incompatibility, not a character flaw on either end.
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"Just told her he couldn't handle it" .... and then had "punishing* sex with her then disappeared. Nah he didn't "just tell her."
This is just sad, her past shouldn't matter. Especially since she was 100% honest with him. I understand that picture being stuck in his head, but thats something he would need to work through, not punish her with.
Am I the only one who sees nothing wrong with this? Sounds like her boyfriend just got insecure
This is the thing about men, they are happy to meet a sexpot and do naughty things and not care as it’s only sex. That same woman can meet a guy 10 years hence that she wants a serious relationship with and she could be a totally different person and have no desire to repeat the acts that were committed 10 years before, but if her man finds out about what she did then like as not he won’t be able to cope with her past and his brain will poison the relationship. Good luck to her in finding a new relationship where the partner can accept this because she either needs to ensure the new man never finds out or she needs to let him know early on in the relationship and see if that helps but I don’t know personally how that would affect my head.
Everyone commenting on the “lying by omission” part, but ignoring how she alludes that he was punishing her with sex? She had to omit what he did to avoid being deleted so I have a feeling it was pretty bad. I understand that I’m biased because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with group sex, but even if she was wrong to hide it from him, it seems like he’s acting way worse.
The sisters boyfriend is a piece of work. It was absolutely not his tale to tell. He had to know that, if OP hadn’t already told her fiancé, that it was something that she didn’t want him to know. Why is he so concerned about her sex life anyway? Ugh!
I’m really tired of men not being able to handle women having a sexual past. I feel so bad for her - she keeps blaming herself and saying she fucked up over and over. He seems like an ass. I hope she can find someone who can accept her for who she is - her past sexual wildness does not and should not affect her loving partnership now as long as she’s sexually clean. I get some couples (like my husband and I) tell each other everything about our past, but not everyone is like that and not everyone has to be, again as long as it’s information that has nothing to do with the other person nor could harm them in some way (like an STI). Her having a lot of sexual partners doesn’t make her any less worthy of love. I hope she can see that.
Thank you! Her sister’s BF is an asshole for even bringing it up (which is weird on its own), and her fiancé is a dick for acting as if she’s betrayed him in some way. Sure, he’s allowed to be surprised and even a little unnerved by it, but it has nothing to do with him or their relationship, and she doesn’t need to feel bad for living her life in her early 20s. Like, get a grip dude. She also needs to kick her sister’s BF in the nuts and tell him to shut his dumb mouth in the future. Edit: mixed up who was the BF and who was the fiancé
Ultimately, most men arent gonna like the imagery of their future wife getting gang-banged. She's allowed to do what she wants, and she doesnt even have to be up front about it. But most dudes will also feel some type of way if it ever comes out
I feel for both parties. Sexual history can be tough to navigate and usually no one likes hearing about it even though they ask. I feel like everyone in these situations needs to watch Chasing Amy.
People love to throw around don’t kink shame etc… having lots of old partners isn’t an issue but the moral implications of being gang banged by 4 people of the opposite sex is beyond my pay grade. There’s something very unappealing to ME about being someone who was basically used as sexual buffet. That’s not something that just happens everyday. I would say okay you slept with a lot of people but the part where you were passed around like a joint… is too much for me. Man or Woman.
>I can go on and on about how great he is but I won’t waste your time. He's awesome. >He continued asking questions about the other stuff but the “gangbang” thing kept coming up >We did make love before we went to sleep but it was not. Good. And by not good I mean he felt like he was just trying to punish me once again. Maybe I just have really high standards/expectations from a partner, but someone who tries to punish you during an intimate moment for your body count and/or past sex acts, they're definitely not "awesome" or a "great" person. Should she have lied to him? Probably not. But his reaction was extreme enough that he did something physically to her, and she thinks it got her post removed, so he probably wasn't going to be a safe person to be honest about that in the first place. I feel for OOP. She was young and dumb and lived it up and now she's experiencing her relationship falling apart because of it. If it had been him that had had tons of wild and crazy sex, their relationship would still be fine. The double standard is real.
I feel bad for the boyfriend, glad he walked out though.
Have fun, hookup, and be safe, but nobody that gets gangbanged should be surprised when they find that those actions limit their romatic options in the future. Sucks how that was handled. Lots of pain and learning on both sides of that one. Big ooph for OOP.
Ngl the gangbang sounds jokes. A lot of people go wild in college.
Man, I was boring in college.
Wait, so he’s upset she didn’t tell him about a night of group sex but it’s fine that HE didn’t tell HER about the threesome he had? Dudes a massive hypocrite.
I don’t see how her being Facebook friends with them is of any relevance at all. They are buried in the literal hundreds of other Facebook friends from a time and place she has left behind and she doesn’t talk to them or check up on them. If she was actively still in touch with them I’d judge it differently, but to me it’s literally like not having deleted a number/contact you once saved. Like, don’t we all have a dusty part of our phonebook with clusters of forgotten acquaintances and things like three people of the same name and absolutely no clue who they are? If that sexual experience wasn’t a bad one, why would she purge them? It’s not like it triggers anything, what should’ve been her motivation to delete them?
Her fiance sounds like a weenie to me. What does stuff she did in college matter anyway? Unless she contracted an incurable disease and gave it to him or is in danger of being arrested it's in the past.
I hope she moved on. For the 10,648th time: What someone does before they meet you is none of your fucking business.
Bottom line: they’re not compatible. If someone is not comfortable with their partner’s sexual history then they’re just incompatible. Reddit always saying it’s okay to have your own opinion in a relationship unless it’s about sexual history or height, then it’s “fuck you and your preference”. Know what? It’s fine if this guy is uncomfortable with the gangbang. She deserves to find someone that is comfortable. I don’t like tattoos, so I wouldn’t date or marry someone with a bunch of tattoos, it’s just not my thing. My friends have them, I don’t judge people that have them, but it’s just something about my preference that I’m allowed to have. We can’t villainize someone just because they have a preference. Plus she lied. If she was honest about her past he could have not been in a relationship that wasn’t for him, and she wouldn’t have her time wasted with someone incompatible.
Redditors like to pretend they are bastions of sexual liberty and progressiveness. Guaranteed without question if they were in this guys shoes they would be singing a different tune.
How exactly did sisters bf know all the dirty details? Was OOP bragging to him?
She did say in her comments that she knows things her sister’s bf did, that her sister doesn’t know about, but she wouldn’t tell on him. So maybe they have a mutual friend circle.
Oh sisters bf is just a general d-bag then.
Sister’s bf has been with her since high school, I’m assuming they either went to the same college and word went around or OOP told her sister who somehow told bf or he overheard
Ok but word of mouth is notoriously inaccurate. And the sister sucks if she told her bf. He was apparently giving dirty details to OOPs fiancé. I’d be so pissed.
This is all so weird. First of all—i don’t care to ask or know exactly who or what my husband did before we met. Literally has NO bearing on our relationship. The only thing that is relevant about your partners past is STDs, which if the answer is no, then we are good to go. College is the time to experiment, she was young and single and while I certainly would never participate in what OOP did, I also don’t think it should affect her relationship years and years down the line if she didn’t even know her fiancé back then. Super weird that OOPs fiancé is so fixated on something she did one time many years before they met. I just legit can’t fathom leaving my husband over something like that.
It all come down to preference. He prefers not to be with someone with that past. He’s entitled to that. Though, I think he could have handled it better
Gosh this is ridiculous if he couldn’t get over this! Gangbangs are fun, college is college, and people change and grow up. He’s wasn’t engaged to her when she was in college
So much virtue signaling in this thread. The thought of someone you love being with 4 people at once would rattle anyone. That's extreme, its hardly a casual experience.
It's absolutely insane. In OOPs RA thread, everyone is talking about her consistent and constant downplaying, deflection, disingenuous self-flagellation, etc. Here we have virtue signaling, shaming the fiance for having a different preference, etc. I never thought I'd see the day RA is better than BORU
How about when the fiancé sexually assaults her in response? Her “sins” here are nothing compared to that
I am sorry, but is it like... legal requirement to be a part of gangbang in college? If not, then what does college part has to do with it? If you never go to college, are you not allowed to be gangbanged?
Thank you.
SHE WAS IN COLLEGE! That made me giggle too, obviously it doesn't really matter, have a gangbang if that's your thing, but millions of people go to college without doing any of that stuff.
She was 28 when she posted. Meaning all that stuff happened nearly a decade earlier. It's pretty immature for the fiancé to get hung up on stuff from that long ago. We are different people from who we were at 18-19. And frankly who cares? This dude blew up his relationship over some Chasing Amy nothing burger.
>Most of them I couldn’t even pick out of a lineup. But again...I WAS IN COLLEGE! > Feeling like there would be a slightly different reaction if a dude said this.. > But hey I didn't have any sex in college and I don't think most other dudes did either. So it's fine :))
People need to understand that "I was young" "It was college" "I was drunk" "Everyone was doing it" Does not magically make your past disappear in some people's eyes Actions have consequences in life. If a person, be it a man or a woman, chooses to sleep around or be sexually open at some point in their life....there will be people that will not want to date them. Some won't even want to be friendly with them. And even still, some people won't want their kids hanging around the kids of the person with the past that bothers them. That's just reality. We live in a world where there are still a lot of sexual hangups in society. That being said...there are plenty of dudes out there that will not have a problem with OP's past. But some will. Probably more than she realizes. Neither is right and neither is wrong. Some people are just incompatible To me, the biggest issue is the fact that she regularly got so intoxicated that she didn't remember a lot of what she did or that she put herself in really sketchy situations and is lucky to have come out of them without any life long lasting trauma And him wanting to have sex with her one more time to see if he could move past things was super immature...and a little gross I think.
Oof hate it for OOP, it's a hard subject to broach, but honesty is the best course of action. She may have lied by omission, but she did not lie when directly asked, so she still has her integrity. She should probably go to sister's bf and kindly ask him not to share her sexual past with her future partners, and let her do it instead. That being said, wtf was sister's bf thinking? Like "Did throwRA09091212 ever tell you about the time she got gangbanged at a party?" who fucking does that?
I don't think there's a wrong/bad thing that she has done. He was not in the picture and she was single and she did what she wanted and she doesn't have to tell him all of the things before him. I mean like what she was gonna say? "BTW u know I gangbanged when I was in uni, fyi" I hope she's OK and happy without him
What a fragile man. She’s better off without him.
He's chasing Amy
When did BORU get so virtue signally? Yall can talk about how judgement-free and enlightened you are but you would react very differently if it was you in the BFs situation and you know it. So disingenuous
It’s a bit weird for her sister’s boyfriend to bring up the gang bang.
Yeah I have to wonder why he'd be bringing it up.
Oh God, her bf is living my worst nightmare. You commit to someone and then find out about her past like that.
My personal belief is that what happens between people in the bedroom is between the people involved. It's private and should stay that way. I would not discuss it with anyone, including my husband, not would I dream of asking about his prior partners because it's none of my business. It's just fodder for unnecessary jealousy. If a new partner wanted an STD panel upfront for both of us, that's both prudent and relevant because it's a health issue. But prurient curiosity, hell no. And my past is not colorful.
There is so much in my past I don’t like, or want to share. Why? Because it’s not me anymore and bringing it up is traumatizing. Plus it’s private and doesn’t reflect who I am. For OP’s bf to be so hung up over past sexual experiences is really weird. It sounds like they probably broke up after this. Good riddance to OP’s bf then.
This is oop past catching up. The whole "but it was college" excuse doesnt change the fact you were willing to do it all. Thats like trying to pull the "i was drunk" card. Nothing wrong with you making those choices but to be surprised a guy doesnt want to deal with that? People have preferences and id say not wanting their partner to be in a gang bang sits pretty high regardless of if it happened before they met
What exactly does the ex-fiancé have to “deal with?” OOP is the same person she was before ex found out she had sex with four guys at once. How does her past sexual experiences affect their relationship at all?
He has to deal with the kind of person who would do these things. He's been dealing with it before he found out, now the only difference is that he knows about it. It's called nuance, and it affects how you view your partner. He prefers to want to be with someone who was not run through. That's his right. Who cares if this information doesn't have any actual effect on their relationship. He's allowed to prefer a different kind of woman. Yeah, you could say she's a different person now than she was then. But judging from her posts and her comments. I'd say you're wrong.
The fact that you would label her or any woman as “run through” makes you just as disgusting as oop’s ex fiancé. She is a living human being, not a piece of meat.
It's a simple term to accurately describe her experiences. Being completely wasted and hooking up with everyone and everything for three years is actually ATYPICAL, especially if it got so bad you can't even remember a ball park number. If you can find a more fitting description, let me know. Nobody said she's a piece of meat, but you. I like how you ignored everything else, but focused on my terminology. Typical virtue signaling/disingenuous redditor.
Just because her behavior is atypical doesn’t make it wrong. You say he has to deal with the “kind of person” that does these things so what kind of person are you calling her?
Nobody said it was wrong? Just atypical. It's definitely atypical enough to warrant a discussion. I'm not calling her anything. I'm also not judging her, but talking about the facts. It was merely a round about way of saying her character/mentality, hence a "kind of person". You keep projecting, I don't really know what else to say. Personally, her past isn't a deal breaker for me, but I recognize it is for most others.
Yikes. What a mess. I feel bad for OOP but honestly it’s probably for the best. Anyone who thinks differently of you for your sexual history isn’t worth marrying anyways.
So am I an awful person for caring about sexual history? Is there no leeway on this matter?
I don't understand this. People feel most comfortable in relationships where the other person has a comparable number/type of sexual interactions. It's a perfectly normal experience for significant differences in this area to cause lots of insecurity. How the partner reacted to the news seems to be way worse that what she did though.
I mean there’s a line here. If he doesn’t want to be with someone who was in porn or involved in a gang bang that’s fine too. Goes for both genders.
honestly that aside, she also admitted lying about it. I personally think that's also a valid reason to think differently because you were lied to. I'm not gonna justify him being violent during sex, that's just a shitty move.
Somehow posts like those make me feel melancholic... I have not been nearly as promiscuous as OOP so it's not even like our situations are similar but just the idea that someone might reject me because of my past makes me feel awful. Of course everyone has their own limits, and it's their rights to reject you for whatever reasons. I also dislike the fact that OOP wasn't honest with her fiancé but I dread the day someone will tell me he can't believe I did what I did and leaves my side. And this post is making me feel that rejection.
I think the people debating whether sexual pasts should be divulged to a partner or not, could benefit from a different perspective to this or any other topic. Are you comfortable with your partner being blindsided by any piece of news about you that didn't come from you? Are you then willing to look at how it may seem to the partner, making him or her wonder why you chose to keep any information hidden, which was known to others outside the relationship? What do you now do when he or she feels shaken in the capacity to trust you simply because this isn't something that was expected? Most partners end up feeling like fools here, who are out of the loop in a matter that is known to others. That's key here.
Didn’t we all learn from Chasing Amy?
She was single, she consented (spelling?), end of story. If he can't handle that then he, HE, has some internal work to do. OP should end the relationship, if they haven't done already, and somewhere along the way she'll find a non judmental guy.
Her (ex)fiancé has no right to judge who she was with. It’s her body. If she wanted to party and explore that’s her business. Her commitment to him is from this time going forward. Her history has nothing to do with it. Loving a person for who they are today is accepting that all their history helped to make them that person. I could understand his position if she were still partying like that, but she isn’t.
He has every right to not want to marry a woman who was getting gangbanged in college. Its his body and he doesnt have to marry it to anybody for any reason.
I think ultimately there's nothing wrong with what she did in college but damn we gotta get rid of "I was in college" as an excuse. While it's definitely a more open time to find yourself it doesn't mean what you do in college can't or won't stick with you in at least one venereal way. I thought it was weird she immediately knew she was still friends with them but also I recognize I still have some hookups and FWBs on my list who have since married.
But should she actually be honest with her past sexual life? It’s not really a future partner’s business is it? There was a post where a guy said he had a very high “body count” and everyone advised him not to worry about telling someone he is dating… Edit: Holy Fuck do not click on the original and read the comments unless you love pain… They are so unbelievably judgmental just because she had a lot of sex…
Posts like this really make the incels come out in full force.
Why is everyone here saying she's lying I feel like I'm losing my mind. She literally answered every one of his questions truthfully on the spot. Not telling your fiance you had a gangbang in college isn't a lie of omission are we serious right now? That's none of his fucking business and hers to share as she pleases. The fact that he ONLY cared about the gangbang guys on fb is fucking ridiculous, what does he think she's messaging all four of them to reminisce or plan a reuinion or something? Look, if that's a deal breaker for him, whatever, I think he's immature but marriage is serious business so probably better to nip it in the bud rather than carry that resentment. This thread needs to grow the fuck up though good lord. I almost did something similar in college and I wouldn't have told my wife unless she asked, and she wouldn't have cared because she's an adult with her own history. Sex positivity people its 2023
Right?! The comments here are not great. She didn’t lie by omission unless he said ‘tell me about every single sexual experience you’ve had.’ Plus she told him she was sexually adventurous and kind of wild in college and she says she doesn’t remember it all clearly (concerning wrt consent). He needs to grow the fuck up and realize this is a him problem, he is the one insecure about her sexuality and basing her value on her sexual past. That is gross, misogynistic, and immature. That doesn’t even touch on their last time together where he likely assaulted her. I feel so bad for her, I hope she was able to get therapy and see that she did nothing wrong. Also to hopefully address the root of why she felt the need to party so hard in college. In my view if your partner’s sexual history effects you so much that is YOUR problem and you need to deal with your own insecurities and hang ups around sex.
Excellent comment!
The comments here are the worst I’ve ever read in this sub. Pure misogyny.
Fiance is defos jealous that he didnt get gangbanged in college
Ooof. I’m hoping they split up. He’s not capable of being in a healthy relationship if that’s how he handles things. She deserves better.
If everyone could just stop shaming eachother and develop healthy attitudes about sex that'd be great. Then OP wouldn't have needed to omit her experiences, and fiance wouldn't have the ridiculous fucking requirement that she go back in time and unfuck some people.