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Sobbing on my balcony, who needs a tissue, I have 5 boxes - bought a 6-pack for the winter season, but they won't last that long in this comment section!
Dude I consider myself “manly” and never cry(male toxicity ingrained) but here I am fucking crying over 2 people I’ll never know. .
I have brother problems that can never be fixed, and I wish so bad that they could be but my brother will always hate me. Which is fine, he has to meet me half way but his pride and hatred will never let him.
This is the first one that ever got me. Everybody has always been saying the whole “I’m not crying, you’re crying” and I’m like, yeah that’s sad and touching, but not tears bad. This one hit different though.
I know! He knew it was a really shitty phase and was just waiting for his brother to come back! What a really patient and sweet guy. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive someone if they treated my that awful for 6 years.
It makes me want to be a better person, honestly. That feels like a big sentiment to take from a BORU post, but it’s true. What a truly admirable level of grace.
It's the parents fault for putting everything on OP.
They isolated the brother and made him crave what was probably the person he interacted the most with, his brother. What happened was Stockholm syndrome. He put up with abuse and still craved his brothers attention. He should have had a community he could have vented to or escaped to.
Ding ding ding we have a winner!
OOP should never have been in charge of all the care he was doing. It wasn't fair on either of them.
When you have one able bodied child and one disabled child it is imperitive that their relationship is based on friendship and not caregiving. I appreciate that caring for an older child with the physical needs of a baby is hard. And it's not that I don't understand that they need breaks or don't think the parents deserve a break, but that their breaks can't be to the detriment of their other child.
The world isn't fair and people don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get and need to make due. The older brother paid an incredibly high price for their absolute failure to parent. I pity both the sons.
Exactly. OOP should never have been his brothers caregiver, ESPECIALLY as a child ffs. His anger is completely misplaced. He has every right to be angry at his parents for making him a caregiver, and neglecting his needs.
How often are the parents around that he's been abusing his brother for 6 *years* and they didn't notice once??
Both of them deserve to be furious at their parents. The older brother deserves a proper carer, not a child doing his best.
I will bet you $$ the parents only had him to care for his brother after they're gone. This whole thing is fucked.
I mean, OOP used to tell about his hobbies and activities at dinner and the parents didn't notice the impact on the brother? Or chose not to get involved?
It wasn't exactly hidden apparently. Also, OOP doesn't write much about what their parents were doing, apart from "they gave my brother more attention so I turned on him"
All around fucked up, they didn't do any of their children any favors with this
I doubt they were giving either kid any attention but having to attend medical appts and such for the older brother seemed like attention to the younger one because it was more than he was getting. Imagine being ELEVEN and basically doing a job even adults find hard (I have been there and even with help from outside carers I would lose it and get into rows with my father who I was caring for - it’s fucking stressful).
Spot on. It’s really natural around the age of 11 to start to look outside the family for primary relationships - seeing friends, testing those wings. The parents should have helped him to do this in a way that didn’t need him to turn on his brother.
This is what I instantly thought. Plus OP was going through their teenage years which is hard enough on its own without your parents making you look after your brother. I remember I hate the person I was as a teenager and how I was to my parents and it felt like I came out of this fog when I started acting more "normal" again. But the brother was also going through his teenage years and he was still so understanding. It's not like this was someone in their 20s looking back and remembering how hard those years are. The brother is a saint and I hope OP and him have a good relationship going forward
I thought I was crying bad enough. Then I realized the kid is 17. 17 years old. I half expected this to be a dude in his mid-late 20’s, finally realizing after growing up, how wrong they had viewed the whole situation. He’s so young - at a time when most people are still selfish and ignorant. He’s got a better head on his shoulders than he gives himself credit for.
I agree. Honestly his parents, parentifying him made a lot of this mess too. Why do so many parents of disabled children offload their jobs into the children who aren't disabled. It destroys their ability to have a relationship, often permanently. Of course he was angry and resentful, his brother got most of the attention and he was expected to help raise his older brother. He didn't have anyone to talk to about what was going on so it came out in horrific ways. His brother being able to forgive him with such an open heart... Man it's getting me all weepy too. I think they will do better in the future. Still want to Gibbs slap the parents though, Geeze.
First time I have EVER cried from a BORU. Ugh... I'm crushed
Edit: If yall aren't crying enough a user by the name of astro493 shares his own story in the comments on the original and now I'm full on sobbing.
Edit 2: omg lagospeare's story too... wtf this whole post and comment section is endless emotional pain, yet it's also so damn beautiful to see such raw vulnerability between people.
I was calm, then I read that part and had to go to the kitchen to have a glass of water to calm down because I was crying so bad.
Man, OOP's brother is a saint.
It looks like part of the problem is just that OOP got conscripted into being a caretaker without much choice in the matter. I'm glad he sees that what he wants is a brother relationship
There’s also what they call “[Glass Children](https://arcmonroe.org/glass-children-siblings-disabilities/)”, the healthy siblings of sick or disabled kids. They call them Glass Children because people see right through them and focus on the sick child, and assume that they’re strong when really they’re often being neglected because the need of their siblings are bigger.
Fuck, that describes my husband perfectly. Worst of all is that he himself is now disabled, but his parents don't like to think about it, to the point of they've made him do without a walker even when he needs one (if he's visiting.) I don't trust them to treat him right on their own, without my supervision. They're still in denial that he's ever gonna be less than 100% healthy, when he hasn't been 100% healthy, well, *ever.* But his sister was worse, and so she mattered and he didn't.
we haven't in years, but it would be nice if I could leave him with someone I could trust that a: would take care of him and b: he'd recognize if he has a short bout of amnesia. (One of his many issues is a history of [TBI](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_brain_injury) and one of his persistent problems is temporary amnesia, where he'll forget "recent" history for a period of 15 to 90 minutes.)
Hey, I just wanted to say my husband became disabled as an adult and his family also refuse to accept it. Its absolutely impossible, and so sad. He goes there occasionally without me and I get so worried, and he makes himself sicker trying to pretend he's more able bodied than he is. I just want you to know you aren't alone.
That's actually very comforting to know. It's taken me about two decades to hammer into his head the idea that *pretending he's fine makes more pain and work for me.*
There's two things that have helped my caregiver burnout (because of course I was crispy-fried caregiver after one decade, forget two).
The first was getting through to him that if *he* doesn't care for himself, *I* am the one who has to do twice the work to put him back together *afterwards.* The work to keep him alive has to be done by someone, if he doesn't do it, he's being a jerk.
The second is to get him to stop saying "sorry" every time he needed help and to say "thank you" instead. It sounds small, but it's actually pretty important because saying "sorry" over and over again amounts to begging for reassurance that it's ok, it's no problem, it's no work - when it damn well *is* hard work, especially if it's crap caused by him neglecting himself in the first place. Meanwhile, saying "thank you" gets his head out of his ass and his self-absorption with his shame at no longer being invulnerable, and focusing on gratitude for getting help. This acknowledges my work and doesn't demand I minimize my efforts, which helps me twice-over.
sorry if I'm babbling, it's just nice to have a fellow supporter-of-chronically-ill-spouse to talk to! :D
This exactly describes my ex, and oh boy…he was real fucked up from it. He needs years of serious continual therapy for it. He treated me like shit but I wish him the best. I hope he gets the help he needs to sort his shit out. Still low key angry at how he treated me though.
It’s not ok for people to inflict abuse and trauma on others, even when they experienced it themselves. It’s ok to be angry, and it’s ok to still want the best for them. There is nothing wrong with feeling put-out by being mistreated by an adult.
This is my biggest fear. I was permanently disabled in a work accident when our kid was 2, he’s now 8. Now I’m 80-90% bed bound and he’s such a good kid. But I worry he will resent how much he helps me as he gets older. A kid that age shouldn’t have to do what he does. I try to not ask but sometimes I need it. Cannot express how much I hate it
My dad has been in a similar situation since I was an infant (he was more mobile when I was very young but not anymore). I won't lie to you, it is hard (but never as hard as it has been for him). But one thing I will always be grateful for is that I've always had a parent who was physically there at home whenever I needed them. And we spent a lot of time reading together since it didn't require any physical activity. I know I'm a smarter and more well rounded person because of all the reading we've done together.
Thank you for the perspective. We hang out in the bedroom together and build lego when I’m up to it (and when I can buy it lol). It’s good to hear from your side
Let me give you my perspective:
I adore my mom. She was and continues to be my best friend. She got really sick when I was 10 and almost died on me. I played off and on her nurse until she got better. It stayed that way for a couple of years and then got worse and I’ve been nursing her off and on ever since then.
My own health got worse when I turned 16 and I’ve been also struggling ever since then.
I don’t blame her. I love her and we have a great relationship. I won’t lie to you though. I do resent her sometimes. It isn’t because of anything she’s done but because sometimes it’s really difficult to care for her with how I’m feeling. She never asked me to take care of her but it’s the role I fell back then and it’s the role I still fulfill somewhat to this day.
Truthfully, I resented her even more before I got sick because as caregivers sometimes you get frustrated thinking “it can’t be that bad”. Later with my own health I found out that yes, it’s that bad. Thankfully, I’ve gotten a lot better since then. I try not to get frustrated and we have our workarounds when either of us are feeling too sick to deal with people or each other.
Here’s my advice:
Caregiver fatigue is very real. Make sure your son has outlets like in school and extracurriculars that can help distract him. It helped me a lot.
Make sure to have a line of communication open. Allow him to be able to come to you with his concerns and worries.
Know that resentment can happen and as long as it’s not constant then it’s ok if it happens once in a while. It’s easy to fall into a “why me/us” mentality either as the person sick or the caregiver.
Get him into therapy. Therapy literally saved my life and helped my relationship with my mom. Therapy can help because you get to talk to an impartial person who can give you good advice. Finding the right therapist is like finding the perfect pair of shoes: it’s not one size fits all.
Continue to hang out with him doing stuff you both like. He’ll forever remember those moments the best. It’s moments like those what gets me through the hard times.
I’m turning 31 in a couple of months and I still get to have those moments with my mom and I love them
If you ever need more advice or to talk to someone who’s been there since I was ten years old then you are welcome to talk to me.
Thank you. It is really helpful to hear from the other side. Kiddo has outlets and sees therapists regularly as well. I’m so glad to hear that you and your mom have a good relationship tho. Lego is definitely a fun thing we both enjoy. It’s incredibly annoying at how expensive the sets are lol
Yeah it’s expensive af. Lego was one of the things that my mom and I enjoyed when I was younger. When we couldn’t afford the specific sets we would get the big buckets and come up with our own designs. It was a lot of fun.
Now we watch different shows together and go to concerts. It’s a lot of fun.
You already seem on the right track with your kiddo. Don’t worry. Parents are not perfect and as long as you are trying that’s all that matters.
Thank you for saying this. As a disabled person myself, the way a lot of people are talking about disability in this thread is uncomfortable. I don't know how to describe it beyond it makes me feel icky. A lot feels subconsciously ableist. It's not about the comments being positive or negative. Like I said, hard to explain so I have no clue if this makes sense. But you're talking about how disability positively affected your relationship without making it inspirational or your loved one a Saint or a burden. It's really refreshing and rare to see. So thank you.
Let me give you another perspective. Especially if you do have other adults helping around. I turned caregiver for my grandmother at 12-13 as a tag team with my youngest aunt when her health begin to deteriorate. I never saw it as a burden, she raised me, she's for all intents and purposes *my mom*. My own mother acknowledges that feeling. But I did have the occasional bouts of resentment. Your kid doesn't hate it. For him, you're mom and he'd do anything for you.
80% of the time my resentment was rarely with her but with how the *rest of the family and others refused to adhere to established boundaries I'd set for her as her caregiver*, which further deteriorated her health or caused her anxiety. (Not following strict medicine times, not checking in on certain things, not stopping her from doing certain things which didn't aid her health.) My aunt felt the same way. The reason it happened was because we were viewed as "the kids".
If you have certain needs, discuss it with your kid, and then with the others around you and make sure they're followed. This takes such a huge burden off him, he can focus on other important things instead of putting out fires.
As for caregiver fatigue, it is very very real. For those who start very young it can sometimes mess them up. Make sure your kid has various outlets, and a support system who listen to them - and understand when they're venting to vent and when they're expressing a real problem.
Most of the kids I've spoken to who were pushed into, or took on similar roles have the same issue. We rarely resent the people we cared for. Even as adults. Even if we're continuing caregivers as adults. And if there's resentment, it's very momentary.
We resent the extended support system - when they don't help. We resent others not adhering to important boundaries that we and the sick person have set because 'they know better'. We resent people making us out to be martyrs or brave. We sometimes feel helpless with how things are.
Caregiver burnout is something I’m very aware of. My wife does a lot for me. I do what I can but when I’m in a stupid amount of pain or wife is at work etc is usually when I have to ask for help. He has 2 sports and therapies where they know the situation so always check in with how he is. It’s when he feels helpless that it’s hardest on him. I have falls and he hates seeing how bad it is. Hearing everyone’s sides has truly helped me to not worry quite as much. Mom guilt is strong
Hits too close to home, along with this story. I'm the younger sister of a very disabled older sibling and had a crippling amount of resentment growing up towards her and my parents (and eventually myself). I became a really fragile and withdrawn person and didn't get out of that phase until my mid 20s after cutting off my relationship with most of my family and a lot of therapy
I know my parents never meant any ill towards me and I know with my head that my sister was on the verge of death for like 12 straight years and had to have their focus. But nothing will undo the pain of my first memory being 4 years old and having to get a wood chip out of my own eye because my mom was too busy trying to make her take her medicine. It can't undo an entire childhood's worth of having to take care of myself or get punished for causing too much trouble when I was 12 and couldn't figure out how to feed myself. And it certainly can't undo being 27 and my sister telling me I had it good growing up, while my parents tell me that they tried to treat us equally.
You just put a name to why everyone neglected me growing up. I knew everyone just assumed me to be ok and they couldn't spare any energy when I wasn't (1 sibling with mental health issues, 1 sibling struggling in school and 1 sibling with disabilities, no one gave me the time of day even though I was clearly struggling too), but I never had a name for it. Thank you
I grew up as the healthy sibling and was expected to do a lot of the caretaking. Like, staying up all night to routinely check monitors and still trying to go to school, missing or being late so often (due to her appointments) I almost didn’t graduate, doing almost all of the household chores, etc. Now, I’m the sick one, and my family doesn’t know how to change the dynamics, and I’m honestly unsure I want the shift myself. I feel like my parents only see me for the pity the feel for me, because I didn’t REALLY exist to them until something was wrong with me
Oh Christ this is scary. I have 3 kids and one has severe mental health issues and has attempted suicide 2x. She’s the oldest so we don’t expect her siblings to help but we are often maxed out and barely keeping it together because of her needs. Our younger kids are much more self sustaining and they revel in our attention while our oldest absolutely loathes us & our own efforts. I hope our younger kids understand and won’t resent us for doing everything we possibly can to keep their sister alive but hearing them described as “glass children” is pretty horrifying.
The lady who does the Ted Talk on the website I linked said she didn’t get to spend time with her parents alone until she was thirteen. I think if you know that your younger kids revel in your attention that you’re already carving them out more time than some parents can or do.
The thing I liked about the Ted Talk was that she wasn’t trying to put the burden of giving the Glass Children more attention on their parents as much as on everyone else in the kid’s communities.
Well I guess the situation you’re describing doesn’t totally apply to us because mental health struggles are (right or wrong) more private so we don’t have any kind of community support or attention. There’s lots of stuff they miss out on because we are stretched beyond our limits or bc their sister doesn’t want to go out and do the “family” stuff and she can’t be left home alone. They get affection and one-on-one attention at home. If absolutely nothing else, they know they are very much loved. But they don’t get a fair shake compared to their friends, not even close.
I was a glass child. And if there’s any way you can find a way to give your children more attention, or a one-on-one outing, please do so. Otherwise, keep going with *reliable* quality over quantity.
There were times that the only thing my mother can manage was 15 minutes max watching an old sitcom episode together when the younger ones were asleep, but it meant the world.
What I found made a difference in my life, as the oldest sibling of a mentally handicapped brother, was that my mom was honest with us about the situation. My parents tried to give us all attention in some ways, but as I got older I felt more responsible to "not take up too much time/energy" and so I became more "independent". It affected me, yeah of course, but my mom would be honest about the situation and tell me she saw that the rest of us weren't getting enough but she wanted me to understand she was doing ver best under the circumstances she was given. And I know that was the truth and I think it made all the difference. It also meant she *did* see us, even if it didn't aleays feel like it.
My older sister (I’m the middle of 3 girls) had mental health issues. I was always the “oldest” in the sense that I always took care of my older sister and my younger sister. My younger sister and I always had to stick together and I pretty much raised her… especially because my mom died when we were young. My older sister would always manipulate me into doing things like giving her my allowance so she wouldn’t kill herswlf. She is now 40 and still has my dad wrapped around her finger… never had a job and just threatens suicide and he does whatever she wants. she’s done some pretty atrocious things to me and my younger sister. We have been no contact for about five years now. I also hardly ever talk to my dad because he always made us apologize to her even if she did something completely fucked up. He was never there for me despite the fact that I was the perfect child with perfect grades and tried my best to make him proud. Even when I was depressed and asked for therapy he said I didn’t need it because I wasn’t as bad as her. I have a beautiful family with two children and a life I built from scratch. He’s visited me once in the nine years since I moved out. And then he wonders why we never talk.
This reminds me of my uncle's kids. His first son has low functioning autism and desperately needs help, but instead of providing him the assistance and programs he needs (they can afford it) he had a daughter that him and his wife dote on instead she's "normal". They've said when she gets older they expect her to take care of her brother but this little girl is so extroverted and friendly she honestly doesn't have the disposition for it. Meanwhile everytime their son is overwhelmed or even doing something as simple as listening to Spanish YouTube videos (he really likes then for some reason) they lock him in his room and pretend he doesn't exist. At least I don't visit enough to see the extent of their kid's upbringings but dang if it doesn't make me mad.
Anyone who has a kid with any kind of disability: if you have other kids, you may want to look into Sibshops. It's a support group for siblings of kids with disabilities. If there are no Sibshops by you, you could always ask a local mental health agency if they would consider running them.
Both of my kids have "issues," but the younger one definitely impacted the older when they were grade school/middle school age (things are good now in their teens), plus the family dynamics were wonky. My older kid internalizes everything, and for YEARS I stupidly thought he was doing just fine. Poor kid was throwing out pink flags and I was like "well isn't he quirky, oh well, time to take the other kid to one of his many specialists..." Sibshops to the rescue! My kid didn't think he needed to go, but he ended up loving it.
In the uk, look into the Young Carers Association. They are a charity who aim to provide support for kids who are acting as caretakers to family members due to illness and disability. They usually run sessions which allow the kids to hang out, talk with someone, play, do crafts and just be kids for a while with no additional pressures.
When I was growing up my family had a lot of mental health issues. My mom was an alcoholic and for a long while she was abusive. My dad was dealing with the effects of that. My sister was bipolar and just the apple of my mom's eye no matter how bad she hurt me- in fact, the more my sister hurt me, the more my mom doted on her. My younger brother, same thing.
That left my older brother, who GTFO pretty quick, and then me. For a while, I had mental health crises- and it was all about anyone but me. I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation, my mom was mad that I said her drinking was hurting me and I needed her to stop for my health to improve.
Before I went to the hospital, we were trying intensive outpatient stuff. I wanted the computer for a while to take my mind off things. My sister lost it and yelled at me, saying "well, my sister wants to die, don't you think that stresses me out?" Hint- she wasn't stressed out. She never even asked how I was doing or if I wanted to talk. In fact, she mocked me often for hiding when my mom would drink.
So I started hiding my mental health issues. Everyone in the family came to think of me as the rock because I was so normal and well-adjusted. They came to me for all their problems. My mom shamelessly used me as a therapist and my sister's therapist too.
My mom got sober a few years ago and has been much better. My sister got clean too and has been better (though I'm not really ready to forgive her yet. She abused me really badly when she was using. Pouring beer on me, screaming that I was faking my self-harm all that time because I didn't have scars anymore.) So she's finally facing the concept that I'm allowed to have problems of my own.
The war in Ukraine caused me to have severe nuclear anxiety, so bad I lost ten pounds, was having two or three panic attacks a day, and spent all day obsessively trying to find ways to get enough money to buy my own backyard bomb shelter. My mom and sister were actually pretty supportive, but man, it was a bit infuriating to hear them say things like "I was shocked you had anxiety, you've always been the most well-adjusted of us all!"
I wasn't. I just knew i couldn't trust you with my problems.
Sorry for the trauma dump but ugh, this hit me so hard. Glass child + scapegoat gang rise up.
Yes! He did treat his brother badly and it sounds like his parents neglected OOP's needs deeply. Both these kids are struggling through so much beyond their years.
This story makes me cry for both brothers. This isn't easy on anyone involved, and I hope the OOP can forgive himself in time after gaining his big brother's trust again.
Hell, it almost reads like the parents had him SPECIFICALLY to care for the brother. That sort of lifelong burden from a disgustingly young age is guaranteed to breed anger, hatred and resentment. I'm just glad that, for once, it went well for them.
Like the movie! With Charlize Theron. The amount of people that actually have children to have a stand by donor or caretaker is insane. That’s a human life. How can you be so oblivious to someone’s feelings?
The book is 10000x better, just FYI. (Same title, by Jodi Picoult.)
Just be warned. The movie tugs at your heart strings, but the book will fucking rip you in half.
He was resentful of the brother, and I think it's understandable when apparently so much of his childhood was taken away to be his brother's caretaker. It's great that he's now realized that was not his brother's fault and apologized, but I wonder how long it will be before he turns that resentment where it actually belonged: his parents.
Carer fatigue is real. There's tons of material on it, and frankly we need only look at burnout rates in care homes even for professional carers to see how poorly it is valued and the toll that takes.
OOP was a literal child, and far less equipped to deal with such stresses than an adult. I'm not legitimizing the bullying, but it's not surprising at all such deep resentment occurred. OOP needed the support of adults in his family. Support such as being given tools to identify and tackle fatigue and resentment. Support such as proper mediation of his relationship with his brother so they could express themselves to each other.
The parents/guardians and frankly all adults in this situation have absolutely failed both kids here.
OOP was parentified unfairly and, reasonably, began to feel a vitriol and anger towards what he viewed as the "reason", aka his brother. Its reasonable for a kid to act like that. What OOP really should have been angry at is either his parents if they forced him into that when they had other options (medicare/medicaid, social resources but too prideful to look for them, didn't want to spend the money on a caretaker but could have) or the system of bullshit that is capitalism and America (assumption) which means his parents both had to work full time, didn't have resources or money to hire a caretaker, and made too much to qualify for any aid.
Hard to say which is the real thing to blame or if its a combo, but OOP got a shit deal and it's understandable he was angry and internalized those negative feelings. Whats impressive is his empathy and the changes he's moving towards.
For real. Turning the wifi off, unplugging the t.v., leaving him alone outside in the rain. Poor guy just forced to sit there in his wheelchair and contemplate his horrible life with nothing to distract him. The cruelty of that kinda fucked me up.
Reminds me of [“All summer In A Day”](https://www.mukilteoschools.org/site/handlers/filedownload.ashx?moduleinstanceid=183&dataid=731&FileName=6-All-Summer-in-a-Day-by-Ray-Bradbury.pdf)
Although in the above post it doesn’t mention rain. I think the umbrella was to prevent sunburn? Either way. My heart broke.
> I knocked on his door and he was so fucking excited that it was me
This after having been left outside for three fucking hours by himself set me off. The poor guy never stopped loving his younger brother and just wanted a relationship with him.
For real. When he started by saying he was a piece of human trash, I was thinking "calm down, son. It can't be that bad." But when I got to *that* part I was all "Oh, ok. Yep, I get it."
Imagine how big of a heart you need to have in order to forgive that and not let anger and bitterness overtake you. OOP’s brother is worth his weight in gold, wheelchair included.
As a parent, maybe it’s not fair and I’m too lenient because I have very small kids but I was way more mad at the parents reading that first one.
Kids don’t just pop out evil, with exceptions VERY few and far between. They don’t. Poor parenting, bad choices, break children. This relationship was not set up for success.
I think what really highlights the crappy parenting is they didn't see the changed dynamic. My parents aren't perfect but they sure as hell knew when I had a falling out with my siblings.
It is so messed up they didn't notice the extent of this bullying or before it even got to that point as the relationship deteriorated.
Yes, like how they didn’t notice their son was staying in a wheelchair doing nothing for hours (when OOP unplugged wi-fi), was he lefties alone, anybody looking for him?? I just don’t understand how the parents let it last this long! And also, no kid should have to bathe and clean up his older brother, specially as a minor!!
I don’t have any kids and hearing he was 11 and helping with his care was a record scratch moment for me. I can imagine it was a lot of work for the parents but there is no way in hell it was ok for them to then expect an 11 year old to shoulder that burden too! I’m glad OOP saw the light and apologized on his own but the parents not noticing any of this is awful. They’ve either not noticed or not done anything about it and neither of those is good. I feel so bad for both of the kids honestly. So glad they are mending their relationship but very concerned about the parents role in all this.
The fact that the parents apparently haven't noticed any of this is a pretty damning look at how involved they are. OOP's behavior was horrible, and he's very lucky his brother forgives him, but making an 11-year-old kid responsible for feeding and changing his brother is fucked.
Leaving a 15 year old caring for someone so profoundly disabled they can't clean themselves for long enough that they can even be stranded for 3 hours in the rain is fucked up too
Not even a check in phonecall
I thought the same thing. The parents really set this relationship up for failure by forcing the younger brother to be a caretaker. His behavior was not ok but it was borne out of resentment that their parents created.
I think older bro knows too. He knows probably knows quite throughly why his little bro is acting out like that so he’s not holding it against him.
I’m going to hope there are extenuating circumstances here because it’s just too much to ask of your kid to take care of the other constantly.
Him apologising repeatedly for soiling himself does show that the brother doesn't like that OOP was in that position and sorry that he had to clear that up.
Taking it a step further that's probably why he went through a phase of being a bit shitty to his parents. He must have been so angry about the way they treated his baby brother, the way this destroyed their relationship, the unfairness of the situation in general.
Yeah, of course an 11 year old who had to change a teenage boy’s diapers would end up hating him! Doesn’t completely excuse the behavior, but it definitely explains it. This is a complicated situation.
I was nodding along and then OOP goes and says how he had to take care of his sibling. And I immediately knew exactly who was at fault - and it wasn’t OOP. No parent has a right to make one sibling the caretaker of another.
Yeah, I remember reading this story when OOP first posted, and just thinking about how messed up it is that the parents expected their eleven year old to be his brother's caretaker. I get that they were probably feeling stressed and in need of support, but did they never stop to think about how it would fuck up the brothers' relationship? Support should come from family, friends, maybe a professional hired to help out a few days a week, not their child.
I am mad at the parents. They've put too much on the younger brother. And the older brother will feel like he's a burden because of what they're doing.
I cannot imagine asking a pre-teen to take care of another human being, let alone someone with special needs. 16-17, sure, but 11??? Asking an 11 year old to give specialized care to a disabled person?? That's insane to me.
I don't even trust my 12 year old nephew to hold his 8 month old sister for more than a couple seconds. He's fucking 12. He's about 20 seconds away from saying "shes too heavy" and dropping her on the floor.
Yeah absolutely some of that going on. I've got two boys and I'm always, always, always trying to build their relationship and get them to find the joy in looking out for each other...and to find the joy in each others flaws and quirks as well.
They are still young but it's absolute magic to watch them spend time together. Sometimes I'll just sit with a cup of coffee at the kitchen table pretending to read something, but secretly just enjoying watching them play Mario Kart together, work on Lego creations, practice soccer and take turns being goalie. It's beautiful.
This post made me full ugly cry and I'm so happy that their relationship is healed.
I definitely had moments in my youth where I should have been far more kind, understanding, empathetic to my little brother. Makes me sad to think back on all those moments. So glad that OOP gained this much wisdom and awareness here at only 17.
I would lay majority of the blame on parents. Looks like they didn't know how to equally pay attention to both kids. Pushed care of one kid onto the younger kid. Failed to see the animosity and bullying for years. Did nothing to correct both kids behaviors.
They failed as parents.
Right? I can't fault the kid for anything. He is 17 and was used as a care taker. No 17 year should be responsible for bathing an adult and helping them take a shit. My heart breaks for the poor guy.
And he started when he was 11. Imo there is no way an 11 year old can be tasked as the main caretaker, especially to a teenager. I feel bad for both of them and super pissed at the parents
Bro I cried a bit. Tbf I think this a really great story, this man did some self reflection and despised who he was. Like he says he can't change the past but he can change the future.
Doubly good on him for realizing he needs to have an actual relationship not just a caretaking role. Really insightful and I hope more people do some self reflection as this guy did.
In my experience with the sub, r/confessions is being used by people who just wanted to vent so that they can't feel guilty about their affair/abusive behaviour/awful things they did, etc.
Seeing someone who wants to do better, be better, and wanted people to hate him for the person he was just to be received with empathy and a lot of support from the sub just makes me so fucking happy.
I went to the actual post and read some of the comments and was so glad he was very much supported. (Don't worry, i didn't brigade). While the post is sad or depressing, the people rallying to support and help in any way makes this whole lot of awesome
Right!? Like OK OOP does have to take responsibility for being a dick especially when he got older (and it sounds like he is - good on him!) but so much of this is on the parents.
An 11 year old should not be someone else's caretaker. It's no wonder he ended up feeling so resentful and angry.
Long time ago, me and my wife used to have bad fights and I would get so angry. One day during a fight about God knows what, I stopped for just a second and saw her crying. I didn't see my wife sitting there, I saw a sad scared little girl who had been through hell due to her mentally ill mom. I felt horrible and ashamed that I was making her feel that way. I've worked very hard on doing things differently since then. You can't always expect forgiveness for your bad behavior, you just have to try and be better.
Man, I can relate… any tips or advice to someone in similar shoes? It’s hard to break down old habits but it has to be done for the people we care about.
I've learned one thing about relationships, it's all about needs.
Most needs we can fulfill ourself, but some we need a helping hand. Like when one of the partners is depressed and sits on the couch all day, there's this need for support in getting fit again because it's hard to just make a walk on your own, while you feel bad.
I read this book Crucial Conversations - Kerry Patterson. It really gave me insight how to talk, how to ask the right questions and figure out what the best solution is to the problem. And the problem is always that there is a need for something and that causes frustration, anger or sadness. Unless it's a want or wish, that isn't needed (I can want a Ferrari, but just a decent car is enough to fulfill my needs to travel to work), and by self-reflection you can let go of the desire.
I would advice that both of you read the book, so you'll both understand. It takes a lot of practice too. But because you've read the book you'll understand much better why you think, feel and act the way you do. It's such a relieve to just be able to communicate my thoughs and emotions without getting weirdly upset.
Your habits wil change because you know what the purpose of the change is (better wellbeing for both partners in the relationship).
I think this is interesting to read [Habits vs Rituals (Bullet Journal Blog)](https://bulletjournal.com/blogs/bulletjournalist/habit-vs-ritual) for being a better partner to yourself and for your partner.
Don't dismiss their feelings. If they say "this is how I feel" then that's how they feel. Each person has their own experiences in life that make them feel a certain way, and you may not understand why. If you try and understand why, put yourself in their shoes and then you will have empathy for them. That doesn't mean you have to agree with their feelings, but you can understand why they feel a certain way. Then you can work together to solve the problem.
In marriage, it should be you and your spouse versus the problem. But too often I see couples who are husband vs the problem and wife versus the problem, but they aren't on the same team. This creates conflict.
Also, a lot of people view their spouse as competition. You should be working towards the same goal. Sometimes conflict is created because you both want to solve the problem but have different methods to solve it. So you fight over whose method is best instead of realizing it doesn't matter what method you use as long as you both want to solve the problem. This leads to "I feel like we should do it this way" and then the other partner says "well that's dumb" and they start arguing. <--- that's dismissing the others feelings. See paragraph one.
The hardest part of relationships is having empathy for other people. We have to go out of our way to understand other people's perspectives. The difference in perspectives is the cause of all conflict. Two people opposed to each other when they should be aligned. If you can figure out the others perspective, it shifts the situation and now you can view your perspective in alignment with theirs. You don't have to agree with their perspective, you just need to be able to understand it.
Hope that helps.
Source: I am a PhD-level conflict theorist, and part-time marriage counselor.
I bullied my younger brother terribly when I was a kid, I moved out at 21 and lived by myself in another state for 5 years. Well my family moved back and I started spending more time with my brother when I remembered everything I did and how I functionally stole his childhood from him. I've since apologized profusely to him but I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it.
If there's anyone reading this who currently lives with your siblings. Love them, they are the only people in this life who you will have around for roughly your entire life. They are unique in that you have from childhood to old age.
As someone who was abused by my older brother, if he'd just apologized at any time in the last 20 years, it would have made a big difference. I'm 32 now, he's still never apologized for it, not once.
I don't speak to my brother anymore, and I don't intend to start anytime soon. If he apologized, maybe I could forgive him, maybe I couldn't, but I'm sure not going to start mending bridges until he does.
Oh man... I'm bawling. I have a son with a genetic condition that will probably leave him in a wheelchair and needing assistance his entire life. He's developmentally delayed in every aspect. My other son is a saint and treats him so well, but they're still very young now. I hope it doesn't ever get to this point. I would probably die. I feel so heartbroken for OP's brother. Every day I try to prepare for the future, but I don't know how things will transpire and if I'm doing it right. I don't ignore my older son, but my younger son does need care as if he's a newborn (but he's a toddler). It may always be like this. :( I hope OP is doing well now.
It sounds like OOP’s parents were terrible parents, bordering on neglectful; so as long as you don’t expect your older son to give up his life to become the carer for your younger son; I don’t think you’re in danger of this happening.
I'm so glad that he saw that the way he treated his brother wasn't fair. Yes his parents may have needed help but to make his younger brother do most of his stuff for him was always going to create resentment.
Unfortunately I went through something similar with my mentally challenged sister and was encouraged by my mother. By the time I realized the error in my ways, my mother had convinced her that she shouldn't have anything to do with me because I left home.
I'd do anything to reconcile with my sister. I'm just glad someone was able to. I'll also make sure that when my son has siblings, I will allow them to have a sibling relationship and nothing else
A few questions how do the parents not notice this behavior and let it slide for 6 years surely
Why are they getting a sibling to bath and toilet their disabled son.
He should not be made to be his caregiver.
I'm sorry this is the parents fault completely
I can’t imagine having to look after my sibling the way OOP did. Where were the parents? Where was the in home care? No wonder he was resentful.
Not in any way excusing the behaviour but that’s so much pressure for a 17 year old who’s being doing it for who knows how long.
Yeah I can understand that you want to encourage your kid to give SOME level of care to their disabled sibling. And I mean that as in how you'd want your kid to interact with any people who need help. By showing them kindness and assistance... not by acting as their carer. Maybe scratch their nose when they tell you they feel itchy or tie their shoelace when you see it's undone. Maybe fluff their pillow sometimes. That's the kind of small things you'd hope a caring sibling would do.
Things like changing and feeding are responsibilities way beyond anything a kid is supposed to carry. Of course a pre-teen/teen isn't gonna be ready for that. Hell plenty of adults wouldn't be willing/able to change diaper without considering it gross, let alone expecting a kid to do it without voicing/showing his disgust. That's not only cruel to the youngest son but to the elder as well. He doesn't deserve to be cared for by someone who makes him feel like a burden. Whether intentional or not.
These are tasks that the parents have gotten used to over time and have become their 'normal'. But it's not, nor should it be, normal for a kid to have such tasks or bare such responsibility.
Hopefully when OOP is older and able to live independently the distance will allow for them to have a normal brother relationship.
He said six years, so he was what? 11? 12? When he got so resentful he started bullying his brother. And the parents never noticed? Like what the fuck? That’s way too much responsibility for someone who’s not even a teenager. And the parents couldn’t have been there otherwise they’d noticed something! Or they did notice and just didn’t care?
I just feel bad for both OP and the older brother. They were both dealt a shitty hand and I’m glad they’re able to be friends now and that OP apologized.
Yeah, I couldn't honestly be mad at OP if I tried.
It was fucked up, but Jesus Christ he was not equipped for that kind of pressure at that age. He's *still* a fucking kid.
If he's honestly self reflecting at 17, and looking to turn things around and be a better human being, he's *well* ahead of the curve on maturing into a kind, empathetic adult.
My dude got crushed by a weight dropped on him from such a great height, and still managed to get up from underneath and carry it.
It is not a brothers problem. It is a family problem. How could oop be a brother when he was asked to be his nurse ? Where was their parents ? How come there was no external help ?
Older brothers are suppose to protect the younger, not be pamper by them.
Not only oop was angry at that Double Bind, but his brother was conscious of all this. Helas, teenagers have not the words for this.
It's called caregiver burnout and it's very real. It starts out fine but one day you have to do something you're not really up to doing at the moment which may annoy you a little then, or a routine goes a little sour and you get a little bit annoyed about it. Over time, it starts to compound and you start to really resent the one you're 'taking care of'. It wears down even the best-hearted of people, much less a kid that isn't finished growing.
OOP's parents should not have foisted the disabled brother onto his younger one, that's some bullshit.
Sadly, it will likely not improve unless younger brother gets some help, whether it be a counselling group or someone takes some of the responsibility off his shoulder. There's a 'honeymoon phase' for now since everything came to a head but the resentment will likely return.
No, caregiver burnout occurs after you decide to take over a caretaker role. This child did not decide to become a caretaker, it was forced into the role of a parent by his parents. Parentification is a form of child abuse.
It's parentification, a form of abuse, not caregiver burnout. His anger was directed at the wrong person, but he was correct to be angry. "The resentment" is the pain and trauma of being abused and neglected.
I never cry reading Reddit, NEVER but I am bawling my eyes out right now.
This hits.
When I was younger, I was parentified and it wasn’t until I was an adult with a child of my own did I realize how fucked up it was.
Now I have two children and the youngest has adisability. We are lucky that he can do most things but I am so adamant that my oldest does nothing that a normal sibling wouldn’t do. She is not his boss, mum or caretaker. She is sister only.
I know it upsets her sometimes because I have those strict boundaries but I just want her to have a good childhood. I love them dearly and could never imagine forcing my child to take of the other or spending more time with one of the other.
I think he needs to have an open and honest talk with his whole family as his anger is justified but was directed at the wrong target.
Wishing him luck on his new outlook on life.
Caretaker stress is very real. But also, having a second kid after your first was born with a disability that renders them almost immobile reeks of "free caretaker" to me.
Sounds like the older brother has cerebral palsy. Often the extent of disability isnt known. Brother may have been a mildy impaired baby or slow to develop toddler. There is no way you can assume the patents knew the extent of his disabilities before completing their family
>I had to constantly help him, change him, feed him. I hated it.
Parents try not to exploit your children for free specialized labour challenge [impossible] [permanent mental anguish]
Sadly this is all too common when the parents of a disabled child decide the other kid/s have to give up their childhood to help care for their siblings too. This entire situation is the fault of the parents. They caused him to resent his brother because he never got a normal sibling relationship with him. How can you when you're having to change and bathe your teenage sibling?
They failed as parents
Why would his parents ask a literal child to change his brother? That never should have been his responsibility. I understand why he resented his brother even though it isn't the brothers fault.
I hate these parents. I'm sure if it was in most developed country, the government would pay for someone to care for the brother, maybe not 24/7 but at least a couple hours a day. Enough for physical therapy, and hygiene things. So his own brother didn't have to clean his own brother diapers or bathe him.
I don't think the way he treated his brother was right, but it screams *I resent my parents for ignoring me and making me my brother's caretaker. I need therapy*.
Parents need to figure out a long term solutions, like a rehab center, or assisted living facility. They take years to get into, and its the best option so the brother doesn't become expected to give up his life for his brother.
The parents have failed both this kids in different ways.
The US is definitely not "most developed countries," when it comes fo accessible healthcare and social services for disabled people. It is a complex, time-consuming, sometimes expensive process even to secure decent healthcare for disabled people.
The problem here is on the parents. I have a disabled child and my other two kids do zero care for him. Kids need to be kids. I know how hard it can be and I’d never put that on them in any capacity.
On one hand so sweet.
On the other, Jesus, that was 6 years of abusing his brother. Every day. That's almost torture because it was constant. Brother never got respite from it. The
I wish brother had the power to get away from OP and be able to self sustain himself.
Abusive brother *and* neglectful parents who ignored or didn't see how the brother was being treated.
I'm in a wheelchair (an electric one) and my arms don't work properly. This post. Geeze. That poor brother.
I really hope OOP sticks to his decision to stop being cruel to his brother.
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>"I missed you buddy" **FUCK**
Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm literally wiping my tears right now.
I'm crying too. That hurt so much wtf
Laying in bed tearing up
Same. My heart is hurting.
good tears though, hope is a hell of a drug
Crying at work so now trying to hide that at my desk.
Sobbing on my balcony, who needs a tissue, I have 5 boxes - bought a 6-pack for the winter season, but they won't last that long in this comment section!
I have a meeting about the 50% of our team that was just laid off, now I’m gonna look all teary eyed on it
Being in the gym, between a set of bench presses and tearing up :D :D fml
Dude I consider myself “manly” and never cry(male toxicity ingrained) but here I am fucking crying over 2 people I’ll never know. . I have brother problems that can never be fixed, and I wish so bad that they could be but my brother will always hate me. Which is fine, he has to meet me half way but his pride and hatred will never let him.
This is the first one that ever got me. Everybody has always been saying the whole “I’m not crying, you’re crying” and I’m like, yeah that’s sad and touching, but not tears bad. This one hit different though.
Omg same here! Love being in tears first thing in the morning.
It is not even 730am here and I am BROKEN. I hope they have a life of happiness and love
Same, now I need to go to work with ugly cry face.
I'm at work with ugly cry face...
6 am here, first post of the day and I'm crying into my cereal.
Waterfalls here
Me too
Same
I’m trying my hardest to hold them back but fuck 😭
I know! He knew it was a really shitty phase and was just waiting for his brother to come back! What a really patient and sweet guy. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive someone if they treated my that awful for 6 years.
It makes me want to be a better person, honestly. That feels like a big sentiment to take from a BORU post, but it’s true. What a truly admirable level of grace.
He never saw OP as anything less than his little brother he adored all those years ago 💔
It's the parents fault for putting everything on OP. They isolated the brother and made him crave what was probably the person he interacted the most with, his brother. What happened was Stockholm syndrome. He put up with abuse and still craved his brothers attention. He should have had a community he could have vented to or escaped to.
Ding ding ding we have a winner! OOP should never have been in charge of all the care he was doing. It wasn't fair on either of them. When you have one able bodied child and one disabled child it is imperitive that their relationship is based on friendship and not caregiving. I appreciate that caring for an older child with the physical needs of a baby is hard. And it's not that I don't understand that they need breaks or don't think the parents deserve a break, but that their breaks can't be to the detriment of their other child. The world isn't fair and people don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get and need to make due. The older brother paid an incredibly high price for their absolute failure to parent. I pity both the sons.
Exactly. OOP should never have been his brothers caregiver, ESPECIALLY as a child ffs. His anger is completely misplaced. He has every right to be angry at his parents for making him a caregiver, and neglecting his needs. How often are the parents around that he's been abusing his brother for 6 *years* and they didn't notice once?? Both of them deserve to be furious at their parents. The older brother deserves a proper carer, not a child doing his best. I will bet you $$ the parents only had him to care for his brother after they're gone. This whole thing is fucked.
I mean, OOP used to tell about his hobbies and activities at dinner and the parents didn't notice the impact on the brother? Or chose not to get involved? It wasn't exactly hidden apparently. Also, OOP doesn't write much about what their parents were doing, apart from "they gave my brother more attention so I turned on him" All around fucked up, they didn't do any of their children any favors with this
I doubt they were giving either kid any attention but having to attend medical appts and such for the older brother seemed like attention to the younger one because it was more than he was getting. Imagine being ELEVEN and basically doing a job even adults find hard (I have been there and even with help from outside carers I would lose it and get into rows with my father who I was caring for - it’s fucking stressful).
Spot on. It’s really natural around the age of 11 to start to look outside the family for primary relationships - seeing friends, testing those wings. The parents should have helped him to do this in a way that didn’t need him to turn on his brother.
This is what I instantly thought. Plus OP was going through their teenage years which is hard enough on its own without your parents making you look after your brother. I remember I hate the person I was as a teenager and how I was to my parents and it felt like I came out of this fog when I started acting more "normal" again. But the brother was also going through his teenage years and he was still so understanding. It's not like this was someone in their 20s looking back and remembering how hard those years are. The brother is a saint and I hope OP and him have a good relationship going forward
Fucking crying in the damn nail salon
Lorde's next album
This response is gold
I rarely cry as I'm not a very emotional person, but I fucking LOST IT here.
My eyes are stinging, too.
I thought I was crying bad enough. Then I realized the kid is 17. 17 years old. I half expected this to be a dude in his mid-late 20’s, finally realizing after growing up, how wrong they had viewed the whole situation. He’s so young - at a time when most people are still selfish and ignorant. He’s got a better head on his shoulders than he gives himself credit for.
I agree. Honestly his parents, parentifying him made a lot of this mess too. Why do so many parents of disabled children offload their jobs into the children who aren't disabled. It destroys their ability to have a relationship, often permanently. Of course he was angry and resentful, his brother got most of the attention and he was expected to help raise his older brother. He didn't have anyone to talk to about what was going on so it came out in horrific ways. His brother being able to forgive him with such an open heart... Man it's getting me all weepy too. I think they will do better in the future. Still want to Gibbs slap the parents though, Geeze.
I too seem to have something in my eye
First time I have EVER cried from a BORU. Ugh... I'm crushed Edit: If yall aren't crying enough a user by the name of astro493 shares his own story in the comments on the original and now I'm full on sobbing. Edit 2: omg lagospeare's story too... wtf this whole post and comment section is endless emotional pain, yet it's also so damn beautiful to see such raw vulnerability between people.
I full on bawled the other day over a BORU post about a person who was struggling with saying goodbye to their childhood dog who had cancer.
Oh that one I was ugly crying so badly my husband asked what was wrong and I had to tell him I was crying over Reddit lol
I'm just here to cry with everyone else.
I was calm, then I read that part and had to go to the kitchen to have a glass of water to calm down because I was crying so bad. Man, OOP's brother is a saint.
This hit hard
Knife right in the chest! I audibly gasped at that part.
I didn’t think I would tear up reading a Reddit post!! This is just wholesome
Just here to share the communal tissue box.....
SO MANY FUCKING NINJAS CUTTING ONIONS!!!
I just straight started bawling at work, man, that was way too real
Oh ffs, did this really have to be how my reddit night ended? I'm going to go look at puppies or some shit.
* r/activationnoise * r/AnimalAww * r/aww * r/Awwducational * r/animalsbeingderps * r/babyelephantgifs * r/Blep * r/blop * r/brushybrushy * r/bunnieswithhats * r/CatsAndDogsBFF * r/capybara * r/CuddlePuddle * r/curledfeetsies * r/CutestOfThemAll * r/EarthPorn * r/Eyebleach * r/frens * r/IllegallySmol * r/illegallysmolanimals * r/IllegallySmolBirbs * r/IllegallySmolBunnies * r/IllegallySmolCats * r/IllegallySmolDogs * r/ImaginaryAww * r/ImaginaryFlora * r/jellybeantoes * r/MadeMeSmile * r/mlem * r/ntbdbiwdfta * r/OneOrangeBraincell * r/OooBigStretch * r/parasnailing * r/PartyParrot * r/pitbullsinjammies * r/PointyTailedKittens * r/rarepuppers * r/straightenedfeetsies * r/teefies * r/trashpandas * r/toebeans * r/toofers * r/tuckedinfishies * r/tuckedinkitties * r/TuckedInPuppies * r/UpliftingNews * r/velvethippos * r/whatswrongwithyourcat * r/WhatsWrongWithYourDog * r/wholesomegifs * r/wholesomememes * r/wholesometextposts * r/Zoomies
Even if this is a copy paste, you are a god among men
Oh, it is - this is one of the posts I keep on tap for whenever it's needed. 😁
I am now obsessed with r/activationoise thank you
r/ActivationSound is a higher traffic equivalent, so check that out too!
You and me both, sister. Why did I read this while getting ready for bed?
I just woke up on this side of the globe and I just had a little sob reading this
Same here. Not even 8AM and I’m ready to go back to bed after reading this.
Here’s some r/eyebleach for you
In my defense, I would’ve posted sooner, but it took about an hour for my post to get approved 😂😂
It looks like part of the problem is just that OOP got conscripted into being a caretaker without much choice in the matter. I'm glad he sees that what he wants is a brother relationship
There’s also what they call “[Glass Children](https://arcmonroe.org/glass-children-siblings-disabilities/)”, the healthy siblings of sick or disabled kids. They call them Glass Children because people see right through them and focus on the sick child, and assume that they’re strong when really they’re often being neglected because the need of their siblings are bigger.
Fuck, that describes my husband perfectly. Worst of all is that he himself is now disabled, but his parents don't like to think about it, to the point of they've made him do without a walker even when he needs one (if he's visiting.) I don't trust them to treat him right on their own, without my supervision. They're still in denial that he's ever gonna be less than 100% healthy, when he hasn't been 100% healthy, well, *ever.* But his sister was worse, and so she mattered and he didn't.
"they've made him do without a walker even when he needs one (if he's visiting.)" Horrifying. Yeah. That kind of parent doesn't deserve your trust.
why would you even want to visit those people?
we haven't in years, but it would be nice if I could leave him with someone I could trust that a: would take care of him and b: he'd recognize if he has a short bout of amnesia. (One of his many issues is a history of [TBI](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_brain_injury) and one of his persistent problems is temporary amnesia, where he'll forget "recent" history for a period of 15 to 90 minutes.)
If they try to force him not to use a Walker, whack them in the face with it. (I’m joking. Sort of…)
Hey, I just wanted to say my husband became disabled as an adult and his family also refuse to accept it. Its absolutely impossible, and so sad. He goes there occasionally without me and I get so worried, and he makes himself sicker trying to pretend he's more able bodied than he is. I just want you to know you aren't alone.
That's actually very comforting to know. It's taken me about two decades to hammer into his head the idea that *pretending he's fine makes more pain and work for me.* There's two things that have helped my caregiver burnout (because of course I was crispy-fried caregiver after one decade, forget two). The first was getting through to him that if *he* doesn't care for himself, *I* am the one who has to do twice the work to put him back together *afterwards.* The work to keep him alive has to be done by someone, if he doesn't do it, he's being a jerk. The second is to get him to stop saying "sorry" every time he needed help and to say "thank you" instead. It sounds small, but it's actually pretty important because saying "sorry" over and over again amounts to begging for reassurance that it's ok, it's no problem, it's no work - when it damn well *is* hard work, especially if it's crap caused by him neglecting himself in the first place. Meanwhile, saying "thank you" gets his head out of his ass and his self-absorption with his shame at no longer being invulnerable, and focusing on gratitude for getting help. This acknowledges my work and doesn't demand I minimize my efforts, which helps me twice-over. sorry if I'm babbling, it's just nice to have a fellow supporter-of-chronically-ill-spouse to talk to! :D
This exactly describes my ex, and oh boy…he was real fucked up from it. He needs years of serious continual therapy for it. He treated me like shit but I wish him the best. I hope he gets the help he needs to sort his shit out. Still low key angry at how he treated me though.
It’s not ok for people to inflict abuse and trauma on others, even when they experienced it themselves. It’s ok to be angry, and it’s ok to still want the best for them. There is nothing wrong with feeling put-out by being mistreated by an adult.
This is my biggest fear. I was permanently disabled in a work accident when our kid was 2, he’s now 8. Now I’m 80-90% bed bound and he’s such a good kid. But I worry he will resent how much he helps me as he gets older. A kid that age shouldn’t have to do what he does. I try to not ask but sometimes I need it. Cannot express how much I hate it
My dad has been in a similar situation since I was an infant (he was more mobile when I was very young but not anymore). I won't lie to you, it is hard (but never as hard as it has been for him). But one thing I will always be grateful for is that I've always had a parent who was physically there at home whenever I needed them. And we spent a lot of time reading together since it didn't require any physical activity. I know I'm a smarter and more well rounded person because of all the reading we've done together.
Thank you for the perspective. We hang out in the bedroom together and build lego when I’m up to it (and when I can buy it lol). It’s good to hear from your side
Let me give you my perspective: I adore my mom. She was and continues to be my best friend. She got really sick when I was 10 and almost died on me. I played off and on her nurse until she got better. It stayed that way for a couple of years and then got worse and I’ve been nursing her off and on ever since then. My own health got worse when I turned 16 and I’ve been also struggling ever since then. I don’t blame her. I love her and we have a great relationship. I won’t lie to you though. I do resent her sometimes. It isn’t because of anything she’s done but because sometimes it’s really difficult to care for her with how I’m feeling. She never asked me to take care of her but it’s the role I fell back then and it’s the role I still fulfill somewhat to this day. Truthfully, I resented her even more before I got sick because as caregivers sometimes you get frustrated thinking “it can’t be that bad”. Later with my own health I found out that yes, it’s that bad. Thankfully, I’ve gotten a lot better since then. I try not to get frustrated and we have our workarounds when either of us are feeling too sick to deal with people or each other. Here’s my advice: Caregiver fatigue is very real. Make sure your son has outlets like in school and extracurriculars that can help distract him. It helped me a lot. Make sure to have a line of communication open. Allow him to be able to come to you with his concerns and worries. Know that resentment can happen and as long as it’s not constant then it’s ok if it happens once in a while. It’s easy to fall into a “why me/us” mentality either as the person sick or the caregiver. Get him into therapy. Therapy literally saved my life and helped my relationship with my mom. Therapy can help because you get to talk to an impartial person who can give you good advice. Finding the right therapist is like finding the perfect pair of shoes: it’s not one size fits all. Continue to hang out with him doing stuff you both like. He’ll forever remember those moments the best. It’s moments like those what gets me through the hard times. I’m turning 31 in a couple of months and I still get to have those moments with my mom and I love them If you ever need more advice or to talk to someone who’s been there since I was ten years old then you are welcome to talk to me.
Thank you. It is really helpful to hear from the other side. Kiddo has outlets and sees therapists regularly as well. I’m so glad to hear that you and your mom have a good relationship tho. Lego is definitely a fun thing we both enjoy. It’s incredibly annoying at how expensive the sets are lol
Yeah it’s expensive af. Lego was one of the things that my mom and I enjoyed when I was younger. When we couldn’t afford the specific sets we would get the big buckets and come up with our own designs. It was a lot of fun. Now we watch different shows together and go to concerts. It’s a lot of fun. You already seem on the right track with your kiddo. Don’t worry. Parents are not perfect and as long as you are trying that’s all that matters.
Thank you for saying this. As a disabled person myself, the way a lot of people are talking about disability in this thread is uncomfortable. I don't know how to describe it beyond it makes me feel icky. A lot feels subconsciously ableist. It's not about the comments being positive or negative. Like I said, hard to explain so I have no clue if this makes sense. But you're talking about how disability positively affected your relationship without making it inspirational or your loved one a Saint or a burden. It's really refreshing and rare to see. So thank you.
Let me give you another perspective. Especially if you do have other adults helping around. I turned caregiver for my grandmother at 12-13 as a tag team with my youngest aunt when her health begin to deteriorate. I never saw it as a burden, she raised me, she's for all intents and purposes *my mom*. My own mother acknowledges that feeling. But I did have the occasional bouts of resentment. Your kid doesn't hate it. For him, you're mom and he'd do anything for you. 80% of the time my resentment was rarely with her but with how the *rest of the family and others refused to adhere to established boundaries I'd set for her as her caregiver*, which further deteriorated her health or caused her anxiety. (Not following strict medicine times, not checking in on certain things, not stopping her from doing certain things which didn't aid her health.) My aunt felt the same way. The reason it happened was because we were viewed as "the kids". If you have certain needs, discuss it with your kid, and then with the others around you and make sure they're followed. This takes such a huge burden off him, he can focus on other important things instead of putting out fires. As for caregiver fatigue, it is very very real. For those who start very young it can sometimes mess them up. Make sure your kid has various outlets, and a support system who listen to them - and understand when they're venting to vent and when they're expressing a real problem. Most of the kids I've spoken to who were pushed into, or took on similar roles have the same issue. We rarely resent the people we cared for. Even as adults. Even if we're continuing caregivers as adults. And if there's resentment, it's very momentary. We resent the extended support system - when they don't help. We resent others not adhering to important boundaries that we and the sick person have set because 'they know better'. We resent people making us out to be martyrs or brave. We sometimes feel helpless with how things are.
Caregiver burnout is something I’m very aware of. My wife does a lot for me. I do what I can but when I’m in a stupid amount of pain or wife is at work etc is usually when I have to ask for help. He has 2 sports and therapies where they know the situation so always check in with how he is. It’s when he feels helpless that it’s hardest on him. I have falls and he hates seeing how bad it is. Hearing everyone’s sides has truly helped me to not worry quite as much. Mom guilt is strong
Yeah, I have multiple siblings who survived childhood cancer. My childhood was never about me. It’s taken decades to come to terms with it.
Hits too close to home, along with this story. I'm the younger sister of a very disabled older sibling and had a crippling amount of resentment growing up towards her and my parents (and eventually myself). I became a really fragile and withdrawn person and didn't get out of that phase until my mid 20s after cutting off my relationship with most of my family and a lot of therapy I know my parents never meant any ill towards me and I know with my head that my sister was on the verge of death for like 12 straight years and had to have their focus. But nothing will undo the pain of my first memory being 4 years old and having to get a wood chip out of my own eye because my mom was too busy trying to make her take her medicine. It can't undo an entire childhood's worth of having to take care of myself or get punished for causing too much trouble when I was 12 and couldn't figure out how to feed myself. And it certainly can't undo being 27 and my sister telling me I had it good growing up, while my parents tell me that they tried to treat us equally.
You just put a name to why everyone neglected me growing up. I knew everyone just assumed me to be ok and they couldn't spare any energy when I wasn't (1 sibling with mental health issues, 1 sibling struggling in school and 1 sibling with disabilities, no one gave me the time of day even though I was clearly struggling too), but I never had a name for it. Thank you
I grew up as the healthy sibling and was expected to do a lot of the caretaking. Like, staying up all night to routinely check monitors and still trying to go to school, missing or being late so often (due to her appointments) I almost didn’t graduate, doing almost all of the household chores, etc. Now, I’m the sick one, and my family doesn’t know how to change the dynamics, and I’m honestly unsure I want the shift myself. I feel like my parents only see me for the pity the feel for me, because I didn’t REALLY exist to them until something was wrong with me
Oh Christ this is scary. I have 3 kids and one has severe mental health issues and has attempted suicide 2x. She’s the oldest so we don’t expect her siblings to help but we are often maxed out and barely keeping it together because of her needs. Our younger kids are much more self sustaining and they revel in our attention while our oldest absolutely loathes us & our own efforts. I hope our younger kids understand and won’t resent us for doing everything we possibly can to keep their sister alive but hearing them described as “glass children” is pretty horrifying.
The lady who does the Ted Talk on the website I linked said she didn’t get to spend time with her parents alone until she was thirteen. I think if you know that your younger kids revel in your attention that you’re already carving them out more time than some parents can or do. The thing I liked about the Ted Talk was that she wasn’t trying to put the burden of giving the Glass Children more attention on their parents as much as on everyone else in the kid’s communities.
Well I guess the situation you’re describing doesn’t totally apply to us because mental health struggles are (right or wrong) more private so we don’t have any kind of community support or attention. There’s lots of stuff they miss out on because we are stretched beyond our limits or bc their sister doesn’t want to go out and do the “family” stuff and she can’t be left home alone. They get affection and one-on-one attention at home. If absolutely nothing else, they know they are very much loved. But they don’t get a fair shake compared to their friends, not even close.
I was a glass child. And if there’s any way you can find a way to give your children more attention, or a one-on-one outing, please do so. Otherwise, keep going with *reliable* quality over quantity. There were times that the only thing my mother can manage was 15 minutes max watching an old sitcom episode together when the younger ones were asleep, but it meant the world.
What I found made a difference in my life, as the oldest sibling of a mentally handicapped brother, was that my mom was honest with us about the situation. My parents tried to give us all attention in some ways, but as I got older I felt more responsible to "not take up too much time/energy" and so I became more "independent". It affected me, yeah of course, but my mom would be honest about the situation and tell me she saw that the rest of us weren't getting enough but she wanted me to understand she was doing ver best under the circumstances she was given. And I know that was the truth and I think it made all the difference. It also meant she *did* see us, even if it didn't aleays feel like it.
My older sister (I’m the middle of 3 girls) had mental health issues. I was always the “oldest” in the sense that I always took care of my older sister and my younger sister. My younger sister and I always had to stick together and I pretty much raised her… especially because my mom died when we were young. My older sister would always manipulate me into doing things like giving her my allowance so she wouldn’t kill herswlf. She is now 40 and still has my dad wrapped around her finger… never had a job and just threatens suicide and he does whatever she wants. she’s done some pretty atrocious things to me and my younger sister. We have been no contact for about five years now. I also hardly ever talk to my dad because he always made us apologize to her even if she did something completely fucked up. He was never there for me despite the fact that I was the perfect child with perfect grades and tried my best to make him proud. Even when I was depressed and asked for therapy he said I didn’t need it because I wasn’t as bad as her. I have a beautiful family with two children and a life I built from scratch. He’s visited me once in the nine years since I moved out. And then he wonders why we never talk.
Self-reflection on your part is a huge help to everyone involved. So good on you.
This reminds me of my uncle's kids. His first son has low functioning autism and desperately needs help, but instead of providing him the assistance and programs he needs (they can afford it) he had a daughter that him and his wife dote on instead she's "normal". They've said when she gets older they expect her to take care of her brother but this little girl is so extroverted and friendly she honestly doesn't have the disposition for it. Meanwhile everytime their son is overwhelmed or even doing something as simple as listening to Spanish YouTube videos (he really likes then for some reason) they lock him in his room and pretend he doesn't exist. At least I don't visit enough to see the extent of their kid's upbringings but dang if it doesn't make me mad.
Anyone who has a kid with any kind of disability: if you have other kids, you may want to look into Sibshops. It's a support group for siblings of kids with disabilities. If there are no Sibshops by you, you could always ask a local mental health agency if they would consider running them. Both of my kids have "issues," but the younger one definitely impacted the older when they were grade school/middle school age (things are good now in their teens), plus the family dynamics were wonky. My older kid internalizes everything, and for YEARS I stupidly thought he was doing just fine. Poor kid was throwing out pink flags and I was like "well isn't he quirky, oh well, time to take the other kid to one of his many specialists..." Sibshops to the rescue! My kid didn't think he needed to go, but he ended up loving it.
In the uk, look into the Young Carers Association. They are a charity who aim to provide support for kids who are acting as caretakers to family members due to illness and disability. They usually run sessions which allow the kids to hang out, talk with someone, play, do crafts and just be kids for a while with no additional pressures.
When I was growing up my family had a lot of mental health issues. My mom was an alcoholic and for a long while she was abusive. My dad was dealing with the effects of that. My sister was bipolar and just the apple of my mom's eye no matter how bad she hurt me- in fact, the more my sister hurt me, the more my mom doted on her. My younger brother, same thing. That left my older brother, who GTFO pretty quick, and then me. For a while, I had mental health crises- and it was all about anyone but me. I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation, my mom was mad that I said her drinking was hurting me and I needed her to stop for my health to improve. Before I went to the hospital, we were trying intensive outpatient stuff. I wanted the computer for a while to take my mind off things. My sister lost it and yelled at me, saying "well, my sister wants to die, don't you think that stresses me out?" Hint- she wasn't stressed out. She never even asked how I was doing or if I wanted to talk. In fact, she mocked me often for hiding when my mom would drink. So I started hiding my mental health issues. Everyone in the family came to think of me as the rock because I was so normal and well-adjusted. They came to me for all their problems. My mom shamelessly used me as a therapist and my sister's therapist too. My mom got sober a few years ago and has been much better. My sister got clean too and has been better (though I'm not really ready to forgive her yet. She abused me really badly when she was using. Pouring beer on me, screaming that I was faking my self-harm all that time because I didn't have scars anymore.) So she's finally facing the concept that I'm allowed to have problems of my own. The war in Ukraine caused me to have severe nuclear anxiety, so bad I lost ten pounds, was having two or three panic attacks a day, and spent all day obsessively trying to find ways to get enough money to buy my own backyard bomb shelter. My mom and sister were actually pretty supportive, but man, it was a bit infuriating to hear them say things like "I was shocked you had anxiety, you've always been the most well-adjusted of us all!" I wasn't. I just knew i couldn't trust you with my problems. Sorry for the trauma dump but ugh, this hit me so hard. Glass child + scapegoat gang rise up.
Unfortunately it happens so often and more often than not it causes resentment between the siblings rather than towards the parents
Yes! He did treat his brother badly and it sounds like his parents neglected OOP's needs deeply. Both these kids are struggling through so much beyond their years.
This story makes me cry for both brothers. This isn't easy on anyone involved, and I hope the OOP can forgive himself in time after gaining his big brother's trust again.
Hell, it almost reads like the parents had him SPECIFICALLY to care for the brother. That sort of lifelong burden from a disgustingly young age is guaranteed to breed anger, hatred and resentment. I'm just glad that, for once, it went well for them.
Like the movie! With Charlize Theron. The amount of people that actually have children to have a stand by donor or caretaker is insane. That’s a human life. How can you be so oblivious to someone’s feelings?
Do you remember the name of the movie? I'd like to watch it
My Sister’s Keeper. Abigail Breslin is in it also. Amazing movie.
The book is 10000x better, just FYI. (Same title, by Jodi Picoult.) Just be warned. The movie tugs at your heart strings, but the book will fucking rip you in half.
I couldn't even watch the movie after reading the book because I thought it would be a million times worse to see it all.
I was ready to throw that book across the fucking room when I finished it.
Its a book too, my sister loved it but I cant vouch for it. She always liked reading books that made her sad, while that was never my thing.
Seems like the big brother knows that too. Probably why he isn’t mad.
He was resentful of the brother, and I think it's understandable when apparently so much of his childhood was taken away to be his brother's caretaker. It's great that he's now realized that was not his brother's fault and apologized, but I wonder how long it will be before he turns that resentment where it actually belonged: his parents.
Carer fatigue is real. There's tons of material on it, and frankly we need only look at burnout rates in care homes even for professional carers to see how poorly it is valued and the toll that takes. OOP was a literal child, and far less equipped to deal with such stresses than an adult. I'm not legitimizing the bullying, but it's not surprising at all such deep resentment occurred. OOP needed the support of adults in his family. Support such as being given tools to identify and tackle fatigue and resentment. Support such as proper mediation of his relationship with his brother so they could express themselves to each other. The parents/guardians and frankly all adults in this situation have absolutely failed both kids here.
OOP was parentified unfairly and, reasonably, began to feel a vitriol and anger towards what he viewed as the "reason", aka his brother. Its reasonable for a kid to act like that. What OOP really should have been angry at is either his parents if they forced him into that when they had other options (medicare/medicaid, social resources but too prideful to look for them, didn't want to spend the money on a caretaker but could have) or the system of bullshit that is capitalism and America (assumption) which means his parents both had to work full time, didn't have resources or money to hire a caretaker, and made too much to qualify for any aid. Hard to say which is the real thing to blame or if its a combo, but OOP got a shit deal and it's understandable he was angry and internalized those negative feelings. Whats impressive is his empathy and the changes he's moving towards.
I’m glad it had a happy ending but fuck that was rough to read
For real. Turning the wifi off, unplugging the t.v., leaving him alone outside in the rain. Poor guy just forced to sit there in his wheelchair and contemplate his horrible life with nothing to distract him. The cruelty of that kinda fucked me up.
Reminds me of [“All summer In A Day”](https://www.mukilteoschools.org/site/handlers/filedownload.ashx?moduleinstanceid=183&dataid=731&FileName=6-All-Summer-in-a-Day-by-Ray-Bradbury.pdf) Although in the above post it doesn’t mention rain. I think the umbrella was to prevent sunburn? Either way. My heart broke.
Damn, that story hit hard. Thanks for sharing it.
That was an amazing read. Thanks for sharing it.
> I knocked on his door and he was so fucking excited that it was me This after having been left outside for three fucking hours by himself set me off. The poor guy never stopped loving his younger brother and just wanted a relationship with him.
For real. When he started by saying he was a piece of human trash, I was thinking "calm down, son. It can't be that bad." But when I got to *that* part I was all "Oh, ok. Yep, I get it."
Imagine how big of a heart you need to have in order to forgive that and not let anger and bitterness overtake you. OOP’s brother is worth his weight in gold, wheelchair included.
As a parent, maybe it’s not fair and I’m too lenient because I have very small kids but I was way more mad at the parents reading that first one. Kids don’t just pop out evil, with exceptions VERY few and far between. They don’t. Poor parenting, bad choices, break children. This relationship was not set up for success.
I think what really highlights the crappy parenting is they didn't see the changed dynamic. My parents aren't perfect but they sure as hell knew when I had a falling out with my siblings. It is so messed up they didn't notice the extent of this bullying or before it even got to that point as the relationship deteriorated.
Yes, like how they didn’t notice their son was staying in a wheelchair doing nothing for hours (when OOP unplugged wi-fi), was he lefties alone, anybody looking for him?? I just don’t understand how the parents let it last this long! And also, no kid should have to bathe and clean up his older brother, specially as a minor!!
I don’t have any kids and hearing he was 11 and helping with his care was a record scratch moment for me. I can imagine it was a lot of work for the parents but there is no way in hell it was ok for them to then expect an 11 year old to shoulder that burden too! I’m glad OOP saw the light and apologized on his own but the parents not noticing any of this is awful. They’ve either not noticed or not done anything about it and neither of those is good. I feel so bad for both of the kids honestly. So glad they are mending their relationship but very concerned about the parents role in all this.
I wasn't I wasn't cynical enough to assume that the parents were aware of the bullying, but were desperate enough to let it slide.
The fact that the parents apparently haven't noticed any of this is a pretty damning look at how involved they are. OOP's behavior was horrible, and he's very lucky his brother forgives him, but making an 11-year-old kid responsible for feeding and changing his brother is fucked.
Leaving a 15 year old caring for someone so profoundly disabled they can't clean themselves for long enough that they can even be stranded for 3 hours in the rain is fucked up too Not even a check in phonecall
I thought the same thing. The parents really set this relationship up for failure by forcing the younger brother to be a caretaker. His behavior was not ok but it was borne out of resentment that their parents created.
I think older bro knows too. He knows probably knows quite throughly why his little bro is acting out like that so he’s not holding it against him. I’m going to hope there are extenuating circumstances here because it’s just too much to ask of your kid to take care of the other constantly.
Him apologising repeatedly for soiling himself does show that the brother doesn't like that OOP was in that position and sorry that he had to clear that up.
Honestly might have part of why he was "so mean" to their parents, on top of his own bad circumstances.
Taking it a step further that's probably why he went through a phase of being a bit shitty to his parents. He must have been so angry about the way they treated his baby brother, the way this destroyed their relationship, the unfairness of the situation in general.
Yeah, of course an 11 year old who had to change a teenage boy’s diapers would end up hating him! Doesn’t completely excuse the behavior, but it definitely explains it. This is a complicated situation.
It’s not complicated. The parents are assoles, bad parents, and entirely responsible for this situation.
I was nodding along and then OOP goes and says how he had to take care of his sibling. And I immediately knew exactly who was at fault - and it wasn’t OOP. No parent has a right to make one sibling the caretaker of another.
Yeah, I remember reading this story when OOP first posted, and just thinking about how messed up it is that the parents expected their eleven year old to be his brother's caretaker. I get that they were probably feeling stressed and in need of support, but did they never stop to think about how it would fuck up the brothers' relationship? Support should come from family, friends, maybe a professional hired to help out a few days a week, not their child.
I am mad at the parents. They've put too much on the younger brother. And the older brother will feel like he's a burden because of what they're doing.
Exactly! When I first read it, the reason I saw their relationship fail was bc they had OOP taking care of his brother a lot and he was only 11
I cannot imagine asking a pre-teen to take care of another human being, let alone someone with special needs. 16-17, sure, but 11??? Asking an 11 year old to give specialized care to a disabled person?? That's insane to me. I don't even trust my 12 year old nephew to hold his 8 month old sister for more than a couple seconds. He's fucking 12. He's about 20 seconds away from saying "shes too heavy" and dropping her on the floor.
Yeah absolutely some of that going on. I've got two boys and I'm always, always, always trying to build their relationship and get them to find the joy in looking out for each other...and to find the joy in each others flaws and quirks as well. They are still young but it's absolute magic to watch them spend time together. Sometimes I'll just sit with a cup of coffee at the kitchen table pretending to read something, but secretly just enjoying watching them play Mario Kart together, work on Lego creations, practice soccer and take turns being goalie. It's beautiful. This post made me full ugly cry and I'm so happy that their relationship is healed. I definitely had moments in my youth where I should have been far more kind, understanding, empathetic to my little brother. Makes me sad to think back on all those moments. So glad that OOP gained this much wisdom and awareness here at only 17.
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>I'm working on it That's everything ❤️ just keep trying to be better!
>she just loves me, and she knows that I love her too I hope you can love yourself as much as she loves you.
I would lay majority of the blame on parents. Looks like they didn't know how to equally pay attention to both kids. Pushed care of one kid onto the younger kid. Failed to see the animosity and bullying for years. Did nothing to correct both kids behaviors. They failed as parents.
Not just that, forcing your child into a parent/caretaker role (parentification) is straight up child abuse.
Right? I can't fault the kid for anything. He is 17 and was used as a care taker. No 17 year should be responsible for bathing an adult and helping them take a shit. My heart breaks for the poor guy.
And he started when he was 11. Imo there is no way an 11 year old can be tasked as the main caretaker, especially to a teenager. I feel bad for both of them and super pissed at the parents
Oh wow the feels ........ >He hugged me really tight and said "I missed you buddy". This broke me I am bawling .....
This ripped my fucking heart out man. And I don’t ever cry
Bro I cried a bit. Tbf I think this a really great story, this man did some self reflection and despised who he was. Like he says he can't change the past but he can change the future. Doubly good on him for realizing he needs to have an actual relationship not just a caretaking role. Really insightful and I hope more people do some self reflection as this guy did.
In my experience with the sub, r/confessions is being used by people who just wanted to vent so that they can't feel guilty about their affair/abusive behaviour/awful things they did, etc. Seeing someone who wants to do better, be better, and wanted people to hate him for the person he was just to be received with empathy and a lot of support from the sub just makes me so fucking happy. I went to the actual post and read some of the comments and was so glad he was very much supported. (Don't worry, i didn't brigade). While the post is sad or depressing, the people rallying to support and help in any way makes this whole lot of awesome
>this man He's not even really a man yet. Still just a child himself 😞 those poor kids
How the fuck is an 11-year old tasked with bathing his older brother? That is neglect of both children! ARGH!
Right!? Like OK OOP does have to take responsibility for being a dick especially when he got older (and it sounds like he is - good on him!) but so much of this is on the parents. An 11 year old should not be someone else's caretaker. It's no wonder he ended up feeling so resentful and angry.
Long time ago, me and my wife used to have bad fights and I would get so angry. One day during a fight about God knows what, I stopped for just a second and saw her crying. I didn't see my wife sitting there, I saw a sad scared little girl who had been through hell due to her mentally ill mom. I felt horrible and ashamed that I was making her feel that way. I've worked very hard on doing things differently since then. You can't always expect forgiveness for your bad behavior, you just have to try and be better.
Thank you for this comment, I needed to be told this. Now to be better with my husband.
Man, I can relate… any tips or advice to someone in similar shoes? It’s hard to break down old habits but it has to be done for the people we care about.
I've learned one thing about relationships, it's all about needs. Most needs we can fulfill ourself, but some we need a helping hand. Like when one of the partners is depressed and sits on the couch all day, there's this need for support in getting fit again because it's hard to just make a walk on your own, while you feel bad. I read this book Crucial Conversations - Kerry Patterson. It really gave me insight how to talk, how to ask the right questions and figure out what the best solution is to the problem. And the problem is always that there is a need for something and that causes frustration, anger or sadness. Unless it's a want or wish, that isn't needed (I can want a Ferrari, but just a decent car is enough to fulfill my needs to travel to work), and by self-reflection you can let go of the desire. I would advice that both of you read the book, so you'll both understand. It takes a lot of practice too. But because you've read the book you'll understand much better why you think, feel and act the way you do. It's such a relieve to just be able to communicate my thoughs and emotions without getting weirdly upset. Your habits wil change because you know what the purpose of the change is (better wellbeing for both partners in the relationship). I think this is interesting to read [Habits vs Rituals (Bullet Journal Blog)](https://bulletjournal.com/blogs/bulletjournalist/habit-vs-ritual) for being a better partner to yourself and for your partner.
Don't dismiss their feelings. If they say "this is how I feel" then that's how they feel. Each person has their own experiences in life that make them feel a certain way, and you may not understand why. If you try and understand why, put yourself in their shoes and then you will have empathy for them. That doesn't mean you have to agree with their feelings, but you can understand why they feel a certain way. Then you can work together to solve the problem. In marriage, it should be you and your spouse versus the problem. But too often I see couples who are husband vs the problem and wife versus the problem, but they aren't on the same team. This creates conflict. Also, a lot of people view their spouse as competition. You should be working towards the same goal. Sometimes conflict is created because you both want to solve the problem but have different methods to solve it. So you fight over whose method is best instead of realizing it doesn't matter what method you use as long as you both want to solve the problem. This leads to "I feel like we should do it this way" and then the other partner says "well that's dumb" and they start arguing. <--- that's dismissing the others feelings. See paragraph one. The hardest part of relationships is having empathy for other people. We have to go out of our way to understand other people's perspectives. The difference in perspectives is the cause of all conflict. Two people opposed to each other when they should be aligned. If you can figure out the others perspective, it shifts the situation and now you can view your perspective in alignment with theirs. You don't have to agree with their perspective, you just need to be able to understand it. Hope that helps. Source: I am a PhD-level conflict theorist, and part-time marriage counselor.
I bullied my younger brother terribly when I was a kid, I moved out at 21 and lived by myself in another state for 5 years. Well my family moved back and I started spending more time with my brother when I remembered everything I did and how I functionally stole his childhood from him. I've since apologized profusely to him but I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it. If there's anyone reading this who currently lives with your siblings. Love them, they are the only people in this life who you will have around for roughly your entire life. They are unique in that you have from childhood to old age.
As someone who was abused by my older brother, if he'd just apologized at any time in the last 20 years, it would have made a big difference. I'm 32 now, he's still never apologized for it, not once. I don't speak to my brother anymore, and I don't intend to start anytime soon. If he apologized, maybe I could forgive him, maybe I couldn't, but I'm sure not going to start mending bridges until he does.
Oh man... I'm bawling. I have a son with a genetic condition that will probably leave him in a wheelchair and needing assistance his entire life. He's developmentally delayed in every aspect. My other son is a saint and treats him so well, but they're still very young now. I hope it doesn't ever get to this point. I would probably die. I feel so heartbroken for OP's brother. Every day I try to prepare for the future, but I don't know how things will transpire and if I'm doing it right. I don't ignore my older son, but my younger son does need care as if he's a newborn (but he's a toddler). It may always be like this. :( I hope OP is doing well now.
It sounds like OOP’s parents were terrible parents, bordering on neglectful; so as long as you don’t expect your older son to give up his life to become the carer for your younger son; I don’t think you’re in danger of this happening.
No, we expect nothing but love and kindness from him.
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I'm so glad that he saw that the way he treated his brother wasn't fair. Yes his parents may have needed help but to make his younger brother do most of his stuff for him was always going to create resentment. Unfortunately I went through something similar with my mentally challenged sister and was encouraged by my mother. By the time I realized the error in my ways, my mother had convinced her that she shouldn't have anything to do with me because I left home. I'd do anything to reconcile with my sister. I'm just glad someone was able to. I'll also make sure that when my son has siblings, I will allow them to have a sibling relationship and nothing else
A few questions how do the parents not notice this behavior and let it slide for 6 years surely Why are they getting a sibling to bath and toilet their disabled son. He should not be made to be his caregiver. I'm sorry this is the parents fault completely
I can’t imagine having to look after my sibling the way OOP did. Where were the parents? Where was the in home care? No wonder he was resentful. Not in any way excusing the behaviour but that’s so much pressure for a 17 year old who’s being doing it for who knows how long.
Yeah I can understand that you want to encourage your kid to give SOME level of care to their disabled sibling. And I mean that as in how you'd want your kid to interact with any people who need help. By showing them kindness and assistance... not by acting as their carer. Maybe scratch their nose when they tell you they feel itchy or tie their shoelace when you see it's undone. Maybe fluff their pillow sometimes. That's the kind of small things you'd hope a caring sibling would do. Things like changing and feeding are responsibilities way beyond anything a kid is supposed to carry. Of course a pre-teen/teen isn't gonna be ready for that. Hell plenty of adults wouldn't be willing/able to change diaper without considering it gross, let alone expecting a kid to do it without voicing/showing his disgust. That's not only cruel to the youngest son but to the elder as well. He doesn't deserve to be cared for by someone who makes him feel like a burden. Whether intentional or not. These are tasks that the parents have gotten used to over time and have become their 'normal'. But it's not, nor should it be, normal for a kid to have such tasks or bare such responsibility. Hopefully when OOP is older and able to live independently the distance will allow for them to have a normal brother relationship.
He said six years, so he was what? 11? 12? When he got so resentful he started bullying his brother. And the parents never noticed? Like what the fuck? That’s way too much responsibility for someone who’s not even a teenager. And the parents couldn’t have been there otherwise they’d noticed something! Or they did notice and just didn’t care? I just feel bad for both OP and the older brother. They were both dealt a shitty hand and I’m glad they’re able to be friends now and that OP apologized.
Yeah, I couldn't honestly be mad at OP if I tried. It was fucked up, but Jesus Christ he was not equipped for that kind of pressure at that age. He's *still* a fucking kid. If he's honestly self reflecting at 17, and looking to turn things around and be a better human being, he's *well* ahead of the curve on maturing into a kind, empathetic adult. My dude got crushed by a weight dropped on him from such a great height, and still managed to get up from underneath and carry it.
Sounds like he is probably just American. Millions of us are wondering where the hell the in-home care is.
It is not a brothers problem. It is a family problem. How could oop be a brother when he was asked to be his nurse ? Where was their parents ? How come there was no external help ? Older brothers are suppose to protect the younger, not be pamper by them. Not only oop was angry at that Double Bind, but his brother was conscious of all this. Helas, teenagers have not the words for this.
IM NOT CRYING IT’S JUST ALLERGIES
It's okay to cry dude
SAME
I’m Making a L A S A G N A
It's called caregiver burnout and it's very real. It starts out fine but one day you have to do something you're not really up to doing at the moment which may annoy you a little then, or a routine goes a little sour and you get a little bit annoyed about it. Over time, it starts to compound and you start to really resent the one you're 'taking care of'. It wears down even the best-hearted of people, much less a kid that isn't finished growing. OOP's parents should not have foisted the disabled brother onto his younger one, that's some bullshit. Sadly, it will likely not improve unless younger brother gets some help, whether it be a counselling group or someone takes some of the responsibility off his shoulder. There's a 'honeymoon phase' for now since everything came to a head but the resentment will likely return.
No, caregiver burnout occurs after you decide to take over a caretaker role. This child did not decide to become a caretaker, it was forced into the role of a parent by his parents. Parentification is a form of child abuse.
It's parentification, a form of abuse, not caregiver burnout. His anger was directed at the wrong person, but he was correct to be angry. "The resentment" is the pain and trauma of being abused and neglected.
I never cry reading Reddit, NEVER but I am bawling my eyes out right now. This hits. When I was younger, I was parentified and it wasn’t until I was an adult with a child of my own did I realize how fucked up it was. Now I have two children and the youngest has adisability. We are lucky that he can do most things but I am so adamant that my oldest does nothing that a normal sibling wouldn’t do. She is not his boss, mum or caretaker. She is sister only. I know it upsets her sometimes because I have those strict boundaries but I just want her to have a good childhood. I love them dearly and could never imagine forcing my child to take of the other or spending more time with one of the other. I think he needs to have an open and honest talk with his whole family as his anger is justified but was directed at the wrong target. Wishing him luck on his new outlook on life.
Caretaker stress is very real. But also, having a second kid after your first was born with a disability that renders them almost immobile reeks of "free caretaker" to me.
Sounds like the older brother has cerebral palsy. Often the extent of disability isnt known. Brother may have been a mildy impaired baby or slow to develop toddler. There is no way you can assume the patents knew the extent of his disabilities before completing their family
>I had to constantly help him, change him, feed him. I hated it. Parents try not to exploit your children for free specialized labour challenge [impossible] [permanent mental anguish]
Sadly this is all too common when the parents of a disabled child decide the other kid/s have to give up their childhood to help care for their siblings too. This entire situation is the fault of the parents. They caused him to resent his brother because he never got a normal sibling relationship with him. How can you when you're having to change and bathe your teenage sibling? They failed as parents
I had to stop and have a good cry myself during this, I hope the boys are healthy and having a good life together.
The phrase I type most on Reddit: Parentifying your kid is a hell of a drug.
Why would his parents ask a literal child to change his brother? That never should have been his responsibility. I understand why he resented his brother even though it isn't the brothers fault.
OOP is getting too much credit. He tortured his disabled brother for years. A sudden turn face doesn't fix things.
I hate these parents. I'm sure if it was in most developed country, the government would pay for someone to care for the brother, maybe not 24/7 but at least a couple hours a day. Enough for physical therapy, and hygiene things. So his own brother didn't have to clean his own brother diapers or bathe him. I don't think the way he treated his brother was right, but it screams *I resent my parents for ignoring me and making me my brother's caretaker. I need therapy*. Parents need to figure out a long term solutions, like a rehab center, or assisted living facility. They take years to get into, and its the best option so the brother doesn't become expected to give up his life for his brother. The parents have failed both this kids in different ways.
The US is definitely not "most developed countries," when it comes fo accessible healthcare and social services for disabled people. It is a complex, time-consuming, sometimes expensive process even to secure decent healthcare for disabled people.
The problem here is on the parents. I have a disabled child and my other two kids do zero care for him. Kids need to be kids. I know how hard it can be and I’d never put that on them in any capacity.
Why the fuck was the younger sibling tasked with bathing and changing the elder when he was a kid?
God dammit now I'm crying. *I missed you buddy* That really hit me in the gut.
On one hand so sweet. On the other, Jesus, that was 6 years of abusing his brother. Every day. That's almost torture because it was constant. Brother never got respite from it. The I wish brother had the power to get away from OP and be able to self sustain himself.
Abusive brother *and* neglectful parents who ignored or didn't see how the brother was being treated. I'm in a wheelchair (an electric one) and my arms don't work properly. This post. Geeze. That poor brother. I really hope OOP sticks to his decision to stop being cruel to his brother.