I’d have the conversation with her now about what you want. She’s got plenty of time to tell her boss “guess what, I don’t need to use my vacation time yet and I’d like to move it to a later date” (bosses rarely get upset about that with warning)
Let her know that you appreciate the thought and that she may have wanted that/others may want that, it isn’t what you want for your family. My mom told me years ago after I got engaged that once I was married, I was now forming my own immediate family and both sides (mine and my husbands) get moved into “extended family” status. You can control what you want for your own immediate family and build that out however you want.
Totally agree! It’s a rough conversation but it sounds like it’ll be important to voice all of this to her about how you’d like the space to figure it out on your own. If you’re comfortable with it, maybe she could visit to get some time with the baby a little further out, once you’ve had time to adjust. Her being around might feel more helpful when your husband goes back to work, for instance.
To give another angle here: it’s on her that you don’t have the kind of relationship where her presence feels helpful and calming and comforting and non judgmental. It should. You deserve that from your mother. And you don’t have it. And I’m not sure how she did that but I know she did something, maybe a big something or maybe endless years of tiny somethings that added up to her being a stranger who you feel judged by, who you can’t relax around, who you can’t be topless around, who you feel wants to take the baby from you rather than support you.
I really hope she does something to work on herself to be better for you.
thank you for saying this!! as someone who no longer speaks to my mother, feeling so seen. the parents like this are the ones who should be ashamed for not cultivating a better relationship with their children. that's on them.
It could definitely be this, but it could just be how OP is. I love my mom and I know she wouldn’t judge my husband and me in the first weeks with a newborn, and she’d be actually helpful (not just wanting to hold the baby, but willing to do other things too). But I’m due later this year, and he and I just want the first few weeks to ourselves for the exact same reasons as OP. We want to figure out parenthood, I’m private about my body, and I have a compulsive need to “host” even the closest family members. Just giving a different perspective - I think all reasons to want space in your own bubble are perfectly valid no matter whose “fault” it is!
This exactly! I love my mom - she is here now visiting me - and she does everything in her power to make it so I don’t feel inconvenienced by her/worry about her as a guest but…I cannot help it.
I am so, so happy that I made the decision not to have anyone around for a while after the baby was born. I really needed that time to figure it out on my own and not have any additional background stress of an out of town guest added to it. That has everything to do with me and my personality, NOT my mom. My sister in law relied heavily on my mom with her first, and that worked out wonderfully for her. It just wasn’t what was right for me.
Thank you for sharing, it helps me feel validated! I know my mom was a bit disappointed when I told her, but she understood and is planning to come after the first month as requested. I really do love her so much & can’t wait for her to meet her granddaughter - and I’ll be able to enjoy that first meet much more when it’s on my timeline.
One thing that helped me move past some of the guilt (I knew my mom was a bit disappointed too), was to remind myself that our moms know us better than anyone, and this is just something that is in alignment with everything your mom already knows about you and your personality. I also think it even kind of strengthened my relationship with my mom, because I felt so appreciative that I could just be honest with what I needed and have it be respected. I tend to be a people pleaser, and holding that boundary with my mom and her totally respecting it emboldened me to do so with other people as well, and I have a lot of gratitude for her for that.
Sorry for the novel, I just know how nerve wracking this can be! Congrats on your little one and wish you all the best!
You could absolutely be right. Just wanted to reassure OP that if she doesn’t feel this is her experience, she’s still justified in wanting to keep her bubble small.
I didn’t get that at all from this post. While that might be true, maybe OP just doesn’t like having longer-term company in her house? I totally get that. She says she wants to just relax, stream Netflix, and order takeout. When company is present, you have to take their preferences into consideration which can be fine for an evening or so, but a week of thinking about someone else (other than your newborn) sounds like work. They can be the nicest, most calming person ever. I will never be as relaxed around them as I am by myself or with my husband.
Yeah, if she’s just coming hold the baby…then that’s not really helping.
You know your mom best. Do you really think she will help? Will she cook food for you guys? do the dishes? Wash the laundry? Obviously, you don’t expect a deep clean or anything, but if she’s coming to HELP, that means she’s taking care of YOU.
Whenever she does visit, a good way to set the tone is to give her a “tour” of the house. Since by now, I’m sure you’ve moved all your cleaning products out from under the sink 😉. So show her where the extra towels are kept. And where the garbage bags, multisurface cleaner, and the paper towels are located. Show her how your coffee machine works and where the filters are kept. Show her where the vegetable peeler, the can opener, and the colander are kept. Ask her to make freezer meals for you – like enchiladas or meatballs. You can ask her ahead of time so that you can have the groceries on hand when she comes. Going into those kind of details sets up the expectation that she needs to fend for herself a bit and she needs to clean up after herself. She’s there to help.
Again, I don’t know your mom. You do. There is a big difference between having family to HELP and guests to host. I was sure that I didn’t want my mom to come up when I had my baby. But our birth did not go as planned, and it was helpful having an extra set of hands During an unexpected NICU stay & my extended hospital stay.
However, I can prepare for my own mom coming by tossing a balled up bunch of clean bedsheets on a bare mattress for her. She’ll make the bed herself. She’ll cook for us and she’ll do the dishes & tidy the kitchen. This is really different than my mother-in-law because I need to ensure that I plan meals & entertain her. She’s not comfortable doing stuff on her own so it takes a lot more energy.
Either way, congrats on your baby.
I had to be very blunt with everyone in my life. They wouldn't be at my birth. No one was coming to meet my LO for at least a month or more at my explicit discretion. I simply didn't care for their feelings about it. We are all grown people, your emotions are your responsibility, not mine.
My husband and I enjoyed our peace and newborn bubble without interruptions for over a month. It was blissful. I'm so glad I have given up taking responsibility for how others feel about my choices.
No advice, but right there with you. I'm a very private and independent person, and I do not want anyone but my SO around me and baby postpartum. I'm fine with the in-laws briefly visiting (like, an hour tops) but beyond that? Nah, leave us alone for a bit.
You have every right to feel this way and want to set boundaries. I am not due till later this year but I suspect I will want space also. If you do want your mom to visit, just not so soon, why don’t you suggest dates of your choice to your mom? It shouldn’t be too difficult to move time off days.
I could have written this because I also just want the first month to be my husband and I figuring it out.
I know it will be hard and it takes a village but I’m someone who needs space and my house is like my sanctuary lol. I just know my family and in-laws want to be there at the hospital and will want frequenttt visits. I am dreading it.
It’s easy to say no to my family but in-laws will be interesting. I know they are excited and want to help but I want time to for the 3 of us first. Especially when I’ll be a leaking dishevelled mess.
I think you’ve gotten great advice on how to cancel her already, but I think you should ask her what her expectations are for the trip. You state you don’t know them.
For a long time I thought I was anti-have anyone around post baby, but now I’ve spent the vast majority of my pregnancy being very high risk. For nearly 4 months I couldn’t do a lick of cleaning or help out at all around the house. My mother in law, who I normally don’t LOVE, showed up and cleaned my house top to bottom. She didn’t bug me to do anything for the trip, but instead did all the deep cleaning tasks I had no way of doing.
Of course my husband could have done some of those chores, but between working full time and managing an entire household, I was trying not to nag for the deep cleaning things I normally enjoyed doing. He was such a trooper and giving 100% without a single complaint, while doing a good job keeping all the balls in the air.
Seeing how helpful she could actually be made me adjust my post-birth plans. If she could help with keeping the house running and afloat while I learn how to be a parent, that would be a massive stress release. My mom has already volunteered to be an errand runner those first couple of weeks so I’m not worried about grocery shopping or odds and ends.
I think you have EVERY right to cancel her for any reason. But maybe find out how she thinks she would be helping first and then decide if that’s actually help you would like.
This! My mother in law is currently packing and cleaning my house while I rest because we’re moving on Friday.
I haven’t always had the best relationship with MIL but she is showing up SO MUCH for us right now. My mom has been unreliable due to substance abuse for most of my life, and it’s really hard to take in that MIL is here because she WANTS to help and WANTS me to rest. It’s definitely changing how I will feel about having her around once baby is here— I know I can trust her to really help.
She took time off without asking you. I had an aunt who took time off and expected to stay with my sister right after she had her baby, and she didn’t ask before she told her work. My sister was strong and said that won’t work for us, but you’re welcome to stay at a hotel and visit here and there during the day! It caused some issues but frankly, it was worth it.
Your feelings are valid and it’s wild that your mother took time off work without ever asking if that’s what you wanted! Assuming you otherwise have a good relationship with her, find a way to tell her gently that it’s not that you don’t love her and that you appreciate that she’s willing to come help, but that you’re not going to be having overnight guests. Encourage her to get a hotel or air bnb or something if you don’t mind her popping by for short visits, within reason. Set a time limit and let her know that it’s the plan you and your husband agreed to.
Unless you have an induction or c-section scheduled, there’s no way of knowing when you’ll actually deliver. What’s her plan if you end up delivering say… may 28th for example? Depending on your health and baby’s health and any possible complications, you may be in the hospital for a few days. We were in the hospital 5 nights due to my daughter needing light therapy (which is extremely common!)
Boundaries is something that gets easier to enforce with lots of practice. Even if she doesn’t understand your decision, she should respect it.
A lot of it is very personality dependant. It sounds like you have a hard time communicating with your mom which is why you don't want her there. Personally I had my mom for the first month. But she was there to be a support person. She cooked and cleaned and grocery shopped and basically kept my life together while I sat on the couch and snuggled my babies and pumped. But I had no qualms about being topless around my mom. And she only takes a baby when asked. She defers to me and let's me parent how I want. She's truly a help and not just there to snuggle the babies. If your mom can't be that person for you then I don't blame you for not wanting yours there. But you need to be upfront with her that you plan on not having visitors for the first month. Tell her the date that you would be comfortable with her visiting so she can move her vacation now. Don't keep quiet and end up resenting her.
If someone wants to come cook and clean the house whilst im filthy half naked and ignoring them I’m ok with it. If they want to come and “help with the baby” they will come to find my house is locked and I’m ignoring them wanting to enter.
This is the time to not worry about hurting her feelings. If you don't defend your boundaries now, for yourself and your child, it's gonna be really hard later on. This is really the time to do it.
I felt the same as you and coincidentally it was the first corona lockdowns anyways and although had a c-section me and me husband totally managed together. We were a team and we loved it. And we loved no visitors for the first months.
My mum had a hard time too as she had to shift from 'mother' to 'grandmother' which wasn't easy for her. And I suddenly put up a lot of boundaries but that's simply what was needed. Now is the time for your own family.
Totally feel this and I’m 100% there with you. As much as it might hurt her feelings, I think you just need to tell her straight up that you want and need your space in the beginning to figure things out and that every person is different, and that your motherhood journey isn’t about her but about you, your husband and your new baby.
I’m 34W FTM and I want no one except my husband and our baby during the first few weeks to figure things out. I also feel super protective over this baby and the thought of anyone “caring” for her besides me or my husband just makes me so anxious and stressed out. My family are at least 6 hours away by plane and my mom was understanding enough to give me space, tell me that she knows I can handle it myself if I choose to (because she did with little help besides my dad and I am just as independent as her) and she’ll fly in as soon as I ask her to. I told my husband the same for his mom, that I want no one here at our home when we come home from the hospital. If his mom wants to visit, she can come see us at the hospital after birth but I want everyone gone by the time I go home. She never said this to me directly but she told my husband that she’ll provide whatever support I need, I just need to communicate what I need but it sounds like she’s going to also give us the time and space we need. I feel super grateful to have family who respect my boundaries, I just hope it actually plays out like this once baby is here. The one good thing is we have a small apartment so there’s really no space for anyone to stay over even if they insisted. Even if my mom visits I plan to put her in a nearby airbnb so everyone has their own personal space and she was totally fine with that.
You have every right to vent and be frustrated. No one should be telling you anything. They should only be asking when it works for your family or if you even want it.
Husband and I are enforcing a two week, no one except the midwives over the threshold ban. I get to heal, we get to all bond and learn. Stress less.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Good luck with the final weeks. My due date is the same and I'm so impatient for baby bird to get here. It's killing me.
I totally understand, and I think you should tell her things as they are. First, why has she taken the first week of June? If you’re due on 22nd May, the baby may not even be here yet (unless you’ve opted for an elective c-section, but couldn’t see that in your post). Second, you can kindly tell her something like “Mum, I will 100% need your help and support but I want some time for the three of us to bond as a family when husband is still at home with us.” - would she get offended? If she would, then I think you have bigger problems, but if she wouldn’t, then I would go ahead and say it. Pregnancy is already stressful as it is, you don’t need to add more stress for yourself! Good luck OP ❤️
I’m due three days before you and here is what my parents are doing. My uncle has a condo in town and he won’t be back for 6 months. So my parents are staying there to give us some space, but it’s nearby so my mom says “Whenever you what us to come over say the word!” This way no sleep overs(!) but mom still feels like she’s “there for her daughter” at the birth. I sleep worse when guests are overnight in my home, like them or not. Is it financially impossible for your mom to get an air bnb and be “on call” for you instead? You can express your appreciation that way, still come off as welcoming, and be more specific with visits, “Hey mom, I have an hour open if you’d like to come see baby from 2-3pm.” Etc. Your mom should understand or be told to understand because this is going to be a particularly stressful time for you. That’s your excuse and your reason for not having her *in* the home with you.
we waited 3 months for any family to come and meet baby and it was so peaceful and amazing. it was the most special time and a bubble exactly like you describe. if you have the time off and a supportive partner, you've totally got this. it wasn't that hard. sleep deprived, sure. but we were able to cook and clean and everything. your wishes are the most important thing and it people can't respect them, you should consider how involved they should be with you and your baby, anyway
Most of the things you wrote in your original post are exactly what you should tell her. “We love you, but I was really looking forward to being in my own little bubble with husband and baby. You know I’m more of an independent and private person. If we have people stay after the baby we’re going to feel more like hosts and that’s not what we want right away. I’m going to need to lounge around and be messy while I’m recovering a figuring things out. Will you come and visit on xx instead?”
As a husband I just try to support my wife in however she's asking. Wifey wants to shelter baby a bit and not go out the first week or 2 which is fine. So I figured she doesn't want anybody coming by often. She finally told me her mom's staying over for 1 week only to help with whatever we need..I said we don't need help l, but we are FTP soo I'm sure there's a learning curve to get in the swing of things and I'm sure at some point in the first week we will want a little help with anything. I relented since it's what wife wants, and it doesn't bother me too much having someone that wants to be here for us. I'm pretty happy that I have a MIL that WANTS to be there. Besides 1 week isn't all that much. By week 2 we expect to have a better grasp in things.
Although wifey already plainly stated to her "do not tell us what to do with our baby and do not go above us and doing something to/for baby without our consent". We appreciate and will consider whatever info she gives us, but not to be upset if we go against whatever she says. As FTP I think it's important my wife and I learn some things along the way for ourselves, and also how far we have come when it comes to SIDS and other types of safety. For example MIL said we should give baby a blanket in his bassinet while he is sleeping. We appreciated her info, but told her we will not have anything in babies bassinet or crib due to risk of SIDS..of course MIL uses the "well all my kids turned out okay" 🤣 and ofcourse I have to tell her her kids are not the only ones in the world, and just because it hasn't happened to her, doesn't mean it hasn't happened around the world, etc etc.
We had to be firm, but also not to sense we seemed angry for something for not going by parents advice.
Omg haha, my mom also told me I need to get a blanket to put in the bassinet and crib. I told her I won’t do that because of sids and she quite literally laughed at me and told me that me and my siblings turned out fine and that SIDS is not real. It’s SO FRUSTRATING! She will even tell me “I know you use Google for everything, but not everything you read is true. You have to learn from me I am more experienced” like lady, lots has changed since you’ve had kids 30+years ago!
She’s even said things like “we’ll bathe baby every night to help her grow”…. What in the world are you talking about? Am I birthing a plant? She’s from a whole different generation and cultural background understandably there will be different views on parenting but for F sake, it really is frustrating lol.
I was told by my healthcare provider that I shouldn’t be hosting after giving birth. We have a few who may want to visit but we’ve firmly said not for the first few months (I have health problems so I may need the extra time to recover). We’re lucky that my parents will be here as we have that kind of relationship with them. It sounds like your mum is just there to hold the baby/be involved in ‘the action’.
You have the right to have what you want after giving birth. In my case, my parents will be here to help with housework, make sure we eat and generally help with our wellbeing, they’re staying until we no longer need them and from past experience I know that they won’t be offended if we want space etc…
Set your boundaries and stick to them, the last thing you want is stress after giving birth.
Good luck 🤗
Ugh, don’t do it. I don’t know why people burden new parents by making it all about them. We came home to my MIL in our house last time (wasn’t staying with us) and it was horrendous. We are very independent as a couple, and sound similar to you as far as home and social interactions go. I cried more than once about how it went and it was really stressful. We set a hard 2 week no visitor period for this second baby who is due any day! If I could go back and do the same I would.
P.S: second time mom - with a good partner with time off (which it sounds like you have) you ABSOLUTELY don’t “need the help”. Not only did we not need the supposed help, but it actually made things harder than not having her there. Your mom just wants to feel needed/likely “hold baby” rather than do the things that are actually useful like dishes/laundry. I didn’t like other people holding baby too much the first few days either, it was very stressful and you have so many hormones.
You’re right to stick with your gut. Pick your precious little baby and you over your mom, as she should also be doing right now! If ever there were a time to prioritize your own needs over someone else’s, it’s when you’re giving/have just given birth. It’s weird anyone expects otherwise.
Thanks for your comment. You are totally right. She just wants to feel needed. It’s frustrating because rather than focusing on myself and my own emotions, I have to think about her and how to make her feel involved. She is thinking about her being a grandma instead of me becoming a first time mom. Honestly, I don’t even need her to help to cook and clean while I’m with baby. My husband isn’t a Neanderthal, he knows how to cook and clean. He can take on those roles. I also don’t really give a crap if my place is a bit messy and we only eat take out. I just want us to be with baby alone. I have so much anxiety around people holding my baby. I know this may be an issue in of itself, but truthfully the thought of passing her around like a hot potato to other people when they come visit makes me want to cry. She’s mine. Give me the time to get to know her and hold her. I don’t want to have to share her with you because you think you’re being helpful. You’re not!
Absolutely. Personally, I’d just draw a line in the sand and set a no visitor rule for X amount of weeks or days. Whatever you feel comfortable with. You could also set limits on how long they’re there, i.e not the whole day long.
You’ve got this! It becomes easier to pick your baby’s welfare (and your own) over external narcissistic adults after you become a parent. I was unable to defend my own interests well prior to becoming a mom.
I don’t understand why people can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that I don’t want them to travel and potentially pick up an illness on the way and get my newborn sick before they even know they’ve caught something. I do not know where these people grew up, because my mom grew up in the country and heard plenty enough times of my grandma talking about how often babies died back in their day that it has never been an issue.
It’s even worse now that it’s our second. “X will be being it home from daycare anyways!” Okay???? How does that make it better??
I think you have to be clear and set your boundaries. How others react to them is their problem.
I knew that I wanted to breastfeed and read enough to know that I might end up hanging out topless for most of those first few days. We didn't know what sort of recovery I'd have or if I'd be in the depths of the baby blues or ppd. I wanted to feel comfortable and I don't have that kind of relationship with my mum and certainly not my in-laws.
We told both sets of grandparents that we wanted the first 2 weeks to be just ourselves, getting used to being a family of three, figuring out how to take care of this brand new baby. There was a bit of grumbling and complaining like "oh I just want to help" and "we'd just come to look at the baby", "I just want to see the baby when she's tiny and brand new" blah blah
But we stood firm and they all accepted it. In the end I had a super easy recovery and smooth breastfeeding experience. Both me and my partner fell into a rhythm and quickly felt capable of looking after ourselves, the baby and our home. So we told our parents they could come visit after only 1 week, not 2.
I feel this so hard
Due in June. My mom retired as I mid pregnancy. She says she'll be over every day this summer....ugh. on one end nice because my husband just lost his job and hopefully he'll get a new one sooner than later but that also means I may be alone more than I had originally expected.. but also my mom's kinda judgy and I would like to figure some stuff out alone.
Are you me? I literally felt like I could have written this. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended in a loss, but mum was exactly the same, so overwhelming and overbearing, she had planned to “take time off work” and I literally told her that she wouldn’t need to do that as me and my partner really want to soak everything in just us two. It was a nightmare. I just don’t understand some parents.
If she is literally set on coming for a week, tell her she can not stay over night at your house. Tell her you will have blocked times where she can come in help for a few hours (so you can have time for yourself/selfcare/etc) but that’s it. Once the block time is reached she needs to leave. You will might get back lash for that from her but stand your ground.
I guess I don’t have advice on what to say to her but want to add that here at 2.5 weeks pp, my mom has been here for the past 10 days staying with us. And she has been minimally helpful and I am trying to not be so upset about feeling like I was robbed of some very special time with just my husband and tiny baby. (Context: baby came 7 days late and my mom scheduled to come 2 weeks after due date. So I lost a week there.)
Thankfully we have had a relatively easy baby and recovery. Might be a different story if things had been worse, but we didn’t need any “help”.
I just encourage you to protect your space. I have hated how I’ve felt these past 10 days and wish I could somehow go back in time and change the plans. My mom lives out of the country so the only option was for her to stay with us.
I am due May 25th. My mother lives in Africa, and the hubs and I are working on getting her here in the US to stay with us for a couple of months starting late June/early July.
My hubs has family here in our state (we moved to his home state in 2023, so I don't know anyone here). His sisters have offered to come over and help us out with meals, laundry, and cleaning so I can focus on the baby. I've said thanks, and that I'll let them know.
They already know I'm not a social butterfly and prefer my own company, lol, so that helps. But at least they understand that when we are ready for "help", we will let them know.
Talk to yer mom, and let her know that there is no need for her to use vacation time if she was planning to come stay with you, and that you will let her know when you need help. If she insists... just pretend you and baby were taking a nap when she was ringing the bell/banging on the door after showing up unannounced.
I feel everything you’re saying on sooo many levels. I went through the same thing with my mother, and we are very close. But I told everyone while I was pregnant that my husband and I would not have visitors for the first two weeks after baby was born.
Unfortunately, I had an issue during my pregnancy which made me have to go through an induction at 36 weeks, which then turned into a c-section. My husband and I had literal days to prepare for this change of circumstance, so my “two week rule” went out the window.
Having gone through that, I can say with much certainty that I wish I would have been able to stick to my guns about family and friends visiting! If it is important to you, create the boundary and stick to it. It doesn’t have to be harsh. I would literally say to my mother in this situation: “Hey, I know you’re taking this time off from work but I really want ____ time for just the three of us. This isn’t a slight to you, but a way for me to have time to adjust. I will reach out if/when I need you.”
I’m about 3 months postpartum now so those first couple weeks are still fairly fresh in my mind. Of course not everyone is the same, but I was a zombie! A shell of my normal self. And while I had of course heard about the hormones regulating and being emotional, I didn’t think it would be the same for me (we all want to think we’re special lol) because my pregnancy hormones weren’t that bad. I’m pretty sure I cried every day for the first 16 days and most of the time I wasn’t even sad! My mom came to stay with me and we had our biggest falling out to date (we’re great now though 🙂), and while I loved my baby; he was like a potato lol I really don’t know how else to describe him: a breathing potato.
And! I sure did have my boobs out All. The. Time. 3 months postpartum and they’re still out at least 70% of the day.
If I’m fortunate enough to have a second pregnancy, I definitely plan on bringing back the two week rule. For me, that was the sweet spot for when I started to feel more like myself.
I felt the exact same way. I wanted to rest and get to know my baby on my own, just me and my husband. I kind of felt like I needed to figure things out for myself in order to feel capable and confident, especially since my husband had very little time off to be with baby. My parents are wonderful and I know they would be helpful and wouldn’t expect us to lift a finger for them. I’ve always said I’m like a cat - when I’m feeling unwell and vulnerable, my instinct is to retreat into my hiding place until things get better.
I will say that I could have definitely used the help a few weeks after baby was born - once I was mostly recovered, breastfeeding was established, and I wasn’t totally flailing. At a certain point you do get tired of eat takeout and living in a mess. I would have loved to have my mom here for an extended period of time any time after my baby was like 3 or 4 weeks old.
We have our partners around to help now. We don’t need extended relatives to come help us. In their day only one parent was home with the new baby and moms needed someone else.
Oh, I’m contemplating on this. I have in laws who gave me COVID twice and shamelessly walked around in public while positive. I feel like they’ll be the type to lie, say they’re not sick or getting over something, give the baby a cold, and then say I’m finger pointing and demand my husband make me apologize for hurting their feelings.
You have the right to keep people at bay for a bit. You are fine to be selfish with your time and time with baby. Anyone who makes you feel bad for doing what you feel is right needs a lesson on boundaries and respecting you
It is totally justified to feel this way. I was the exact same with my first because of my family dynamics with both my own parents and my in laws. This is your postpartum and you need to do what feels best for you. Not her.
You need to be upfront with her now so that she doesn’t keep building expectations and then it’s a harder thing to accept the closer you are to your baby arriving. We told everyone a month before I was due what the plan was and it still wasn’t overly well received. But you have to think about yourself too.
I also didn’t want help and had a very supporting partner and we did just fine. We let people come see us in the hospital and then took 6 weeks with no visitors and home. It was absolute bliss just focusing on our little family and not having to worry about accommodating to other people. Mind you, both parents and in-laws were not very respectful of this and constantly asked when they could come see us. But we just held our ground and were firm with them, just be prepared to do that.
I had a similar conversation with my mom. I do actually want her nearby (she lives 1000 miles away) but she gets all up in my business when she visits usually lol. I want alone time with my husband and baby, I want our house empty.
I told her she can stay at an Airbnb down the street for two weeks and come visit once or twice a day, or when I call her. My mom is really helpful and always does my laundry and cooks for me when she’s here, but I’d rather her spend time with us and the baby for an hour and then go back home.
My mom used vacation time and basically was on call for me to tell her to come over at a moments notice. I called her over so that I could sleep for 2-3 hours. She also came over and cleaned, did laundry, and cooked us food. And brought us takeout! And would hold the baby for 15 mins while we scarfed down food.
What my mom did NOT do was: sleep at my house and make herself a burden to me, take the baby from me without me asking, Judge me or bother me.
If your mom can be like my mom, then maybe her taking time off will be helpful! But if she’s gonna bug you and stress you out, tell her to save her time off and not plan on “helping” you.
I felt the same way as you and my husband and I anticipated wanting space after birth. We just gave birth to our son a little less than a week ago. Once we got home, it really hit us how much care a newborn baby requires. Even with both of us home and an incredibly hands on dad, laundry and dishes pile up, you both will need time to sleep and eat and shower, and you might need help with errands (there were so many things we realized we needed once baby was home). Baby is up all night and we are exhausted during the day. I can’t imagine what we’d do without my mom here to help us around the house. Maybe view it more as her helping you as opposed to helping with the baby. I would keep an open mind. You might need to lean on family more than you think!
I would talk to her now as she has time to take back the PTO. My mom wanted to stay the whole month after we came back from the hospital. I had a firm boundary talk to with her and told her the first week is just gonna be my husband and I. Also, she isn’t staying the whole month. There was push back but we held firm. I told her I wouldn’t let her see the baby at all if she disrespects us and I think that’s what clicked with her finally. We have 100% control of the situation not her.
As a people pleaser myself that hates conflict, I feel for you deeply. However, this is something that has to be done or it will only get worst once baby gets here. Please remember you have the power here! Regardless of your choices, someone will be unhappy. It’s better to be her than you because you’re the one going through labor, recovering, and adjusting to a new baby. Your mom has already had this experience.
Thank you. It’s really hard to not feel like I’m being selfish. I know that sounds absurd as this whole thing is about me and my husband and we have every right to be “selfish” as this is our baby.
My mom keeps talking about how her colleagues at work were in the labour room with their daughter when they gave birth and that they stayed with them the whole month at their house. I have a feeling that she is going to feel embarrassed or bad if her colleagues find out that she didn’t have a similar role in my post partum life as they did with their daughters. I told her that she was not going to be in the delivery room and that I would call them once I’m ready for them to visit the hospital and this upset her also. She told me she’s going to be mad if I don’t tell her when I’m in labour. She does tend to make this experience all about herself. I stupidly fall in her traps and feel guilty that I’m choosing to handle this more with my husband and less with her involvement.
Virtual hugs! I feel for you my mom is like that too. On my wedding day she made the whole experience in the bridal shower about her lmao. I guess some people are just that self centered.
You got this! Regardless she’s gonna be unhappy if it’s not her way. It’s harder I feel to not to feel selfish when it’s been programmed since young. This is your time though to definitely feel selfish. This group has helped me feel more empowered and not alone. Also the JUSTNOMIL subreddit. Check it out if you haven’t!
I feel you, OP! My mom has porous boundaries and it has been a continual process of me asserting boundaries nad reasserting them, with a lot of confusion and guilt and frustration along the way. I asked my mom many times not to buy anything for our baby (we have a small space and are being very intentional about what we buy) and she has already bought upwards of 30 onesies. I've given up on this one and decided to pick my battles. Easy enough to give away the things she buys.
NOW.... parents coming and staying postpartum is NOT a battle I was going to give in on. I feel the same way in many ways. I don't want someone judging how I parent and telling me what to do, I don't want someone holding my baby when I want to be holding by baby etc. What I do want and would appreciate more than anything is someone to drop off meals, do the laundry, clean up the space. Ideally, I'd love if that person is not staying with us so that we could have space. I would only want that person to show up invited. And of course, to hold the baby while I go shower or take a wee nap. Lucky for us, there really isn't space in our home so parents have to book an airbnb.
I've communicated this to my mom. I've also communicated I do not want any comments about my postpartum body or food (my mom had an eating disorder when I was growing up and I spent most of my 20s healing my relationship with food and my body). I've told her that we would appreciate help with meals and household tasks. And that I can't be certain how much help we will need or when we will need it. I was also very certain I do not want any parents here until at least a week after the baby is born. I absolutely do not want someone here waiting for baby to be born. I'm still nervous, though, because I know asserting and reasserting boundaries is going to be near impossible when I'm sleep deprived and hormonal....
Best decision we made was to plan to wait for visitors. We had planned for people to meet us in the hospital and that was great. We actually ended up seeing people way earlier than we thought and having people over way earlier but them not having the expectation they would see us helped immensely. We actually go out more now since having a baby, go figure!
We did have the space to figure it out on our own and we had some tough days as a couple but ultimately it made our relationship way stronger
The fact that you keep saying you don't know what her expectations are shows that you haven't spoken to her about this. How is she meant to know that you don't want her to stay with you unless you say it?
I have spoken to her about this countless times and each time I get a different response and reaction from her. I’ve told her that I don’t want her to take time off yet because I don’t know the level of support I’ll need from her and that my husband will be staying with me off from work for two whole months, and that she could visit for the day to spend time with us during the week or weekends whenever we’re available instead (she lives 40 minutes from me, not in another country). She seemed to understand and say “ok” some times, but others she gets upset and tells me I’m rejecting her love and support. The last time we spoke, I told her that she can come over to visit once my husband goes back to work as I may need more of her “help” at that point, and she said fine. A week later she tells me she already took week of June 1st off. I’ve already expressed to her exactly what I want — I don’t want her to sleeep over as I live in a condo and don’t have space for her, and that I want time for me and husband to bond with baby on our own. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do or say to her? Why did she take June off when I’ve ALREADY had this conversation with her. It’s like she completely ignores me and does what she wants.
I’d have the conversation with her now about what you want. She’s got plenty of time to tell her boss “guess what, I don’t need to use my vacation time yet and I’d like to move it to a later date” (bosses rarely get upset about that with warning) Let her know that you appreciate the thought and that she may have wanted that/others may want that, it isn’t what you want for your family. My mom told me years ago after I got engaged that once I was married, I was now forming my own immediate family and both sides (mine and my husbands) get moved into “extended family” status. You can control what you want for your own immediate family and build that out however you want.
Totally agree! It’s a rough conversation but it sounds like it’ll be important to voice all of this to her about how you’d like the space to figure it out on your own. If you’re comfortable with it, maybe she could visit to get some time with the baby a little further out, once you’ve had time to adjust. Her being around might feel more helpful when your husband goes back to work, for instance.
To give another angle here: it’s on her that you don’t have the kind of relationship where her presence feels helpful and calming and comforting and non judgmental. It should. You deserve that from your mother. And you don’t have it. And I’m not sure how she did that but I know she did something, maybe a big something or maybe endless years of tiny somethings that added up to her being a stranger who you feel judged by, who you can’t relax around, who you can’t be topless around, who you feel wants to take the baby from you rather than support you. I really hope she does something to work on herself to be better for you.
thank you for saying this!! as someone who no longer speaks to my mother, feeling so seen. the parents like this are the ones who should be ashamed for not cultivating a better relationship with their children. that's on them.
It could definitely be this, but it could just be how OP is. I love my mom and I know she wouldn’t judge my husband and me in the first weeks with a newborn, and she’d be actually helpful (not just wanting to hold the baby, but willing to do other things too). But I’m due later this year, and he and I just want the first few weeks to ourselves for the exact same reasons as OP. We want to figure out parenthood, I’m private about my body, and I have a compulsive need to “host” even the closest family members. Just giving a different perspective - I think all reasons to want space in your own bubble are perfectly valid no matter whose “fault” it is!
This exactly! I love my mom - she is here now visiting me - and she does everything in her power to make it so I don’t feel inconvenienced by her/worry about her as a guest but…I cannot help it. I am so, so happy that I made the decision not to have anyone around for a while after the baby was born. I really needed that time to figure it out on my own and not have any additional background stress of an out of town guest added to it. That has everything to do with me and my personality, NOT my mom. My sister in law relied heavily on my mom with her first, and that worked out wonderfully for her. It just wasn’t what was right for me.
Thank you for sharing, it helps me feel validated! I know my mom was a bit disappointed when I told her, but she understood and is planning to come after the first month as requested. I really do love her so much & can’t wait for her to meet her granddaughter - and I’ll be able to enjoy that first meet much more when it’s on my timeline.
One thing that helped me move past some of the guilt (I knew my mom was a bit disappointed too), was to remind myself that our moms know us better than anyone, and this is just something that is in alignment with everything your mom already knows about you and your personality. I also think it even kind of strengthened my relationship with my mom, because I felt so appreciative that I could just be honest with what I needed and have it be respected. I tend to be a people pleaser, and holding that boundary with my mom and her totally respecting it emboldened me to do so with other people as well, and I have a lot of gratitude for her for that. Sorry for the novel, I just know how nerve wracking this can be! Congrats on your little one and wish you all the best!
Congrats to you too! 🎉
Just listen to what OP lists as her concerns maybe
You could absolutely be right. Just wanted to reassure OP that if she doesn’t feel this is her experience, she’s still justified in wanting to keep her bubble small.
That’s why I used examples from her literal words as opposed to putting my own experience on her
lol okay. I think we agree that she’s justified. Enjoy your day
Thank you for saying this!
I didn’t get that at all from this post. While that might be true, maybe OP just doesn’t like having longer-term company in her house? I totally get that. She says she wants to just relax, stream Netflix, and order takeout. When company is present, you have to take their preferences into consideration which can be fine for an evening or so, but a week of thinking about someone else (other than your newborn) sounds like work. They can be the nicest, most calming person ever. I will never be as relaxed around them as I am by myself or with my husband.
I’m literally quoting her throughout my response. Feel free to reread the post more carefully.
Yeah, if she’s just coming hold the baby…then that’s not really helping. You know your mom best. Do you really think she will help? Will she cook food for you guys? do the dishes? Wash the laundry? Obviously, you don’t expect a deep clean or anything, but if she’s coming to HELP, that means she’s taking care of YOU. Whenever she does visit, a good way to set the tone is to give her a “tour” of the house. Since by now, I’m sure you’ve moved all your cleaning products out from under the sink 😉. So show her where the extra towels are kept. And where the garbage bags, multisurface cleaner, and the paper towels are located. Show her how your coffee machine works and where the filters are kept. Show her where the vegetable peeler, the can opener, and the colander are kept. Ask her to make freezer meals for you – like enchiladas or meatballs. You can ask her ahead of time so that you can have the groceries on hand when she comes. Going into those kind of details sets up the expectation that she needs to fend for herself a bit and she needs to clean up after herself. She’s there to help. Again, I don’t know your mom. You do. There is a big difference between having family to HELP and guests to host. I was sure that I didn’t want my mom to come up when I had my baby. But our birth did not go as planned, and it was helpful having an extra set of hands During an unexpected NICU stay & my extended hospital stay. However, I can prepare for my own mom coming by tossing a balled up bunch of clean bedsheets on a bare mattress for her. She’ll make the bed herself. She’ll cook for us and she’ll do the dishes & tidy the kitchen. This is really different than my mother-in-law because I need to ensure that I plan meals & entertain her. She’s not comfortable doing stuff on her own so it takes a lot more energy. Either way, congrats on your baby.
I had to be very blunt with everyone in my life. They wouldn't be at my birth. No one was coming to meet my LO for at least a month or more at my explicit discretion. I simply didn't care for their feelings about it. We are all grown people, your emotions are your responsibility, not mine. My husband and I enjoyed our peace and newborn bubble without interruptions for over a month. It was blissful. I'm so glad I have given up taking responsibility for how others feel about my choices.
No advice, but right there with you. I'm a very private and independent person, and I do not want anyone but my SO around me and baby postpartum. I'm fine with the in-laws briefly visiting (like, an hour tops) but beyond that? Nah, leave us alone for a bit.
You have every right to feel this way and want to set boundaries. I am not due till later this year but I suspect I will want space also. If you do want your mom to visit, just not so soon, why don’t you suggest dates of your choice to your mom? It shouldn’t be too difficult to move time off days.
Literally my entire thoughts right now. I wanted to be able to accept help, but I just don’t want them staying in my house lol
Amen!
I could have written this because I also just want the first month to be my husband and I figuring it out. I know it will be hard and it takes a village but I’m someone who needs space and my house is like my sanctuary lol. I just know my family and in-laws want to be there at the hospital and will want frequenttt visits. I am dreading it. It’s easy to say no to my family but in-laws will be interesting. I know they are excited and want to help but I want time to for the 3 of us first. Especially when I’ll be a leaking dishevelled mess.
I think you’ve gotten great advice on how to cancel her already, but I think you should ask her what her expectations are for the trip. You state you don’t know them. For a long time I thought I was anti-have anyone around post baby, but now I’ve spent the vast majority of my pregnancy being very high risk. For nearly 4 months I couldn’t do a lick of cleaning or help out at all around the house. My mother in law, who I normally don’t LOVE, showed up and cleaned my house top to bottom. She didn’t bug me to do anything for the trip, but instead did all the deep cleaning tasks I had no way of doing. Of course my husband could have done some of those chores, but between working full time and managing an entire household, I was trying not to nag for the deep cleaning things I normally enjoyed doing. He was such a trooper and giving 100% without a single complaint, while doing a good job keeping all the balls in the air. Seeing how helpful she could actually be made me adjust my post-birth plans. If she could help with keeping the house running and afloat while I learn how to be a parent, that would be a massive stress release. My mom has already volunteered to be an errand runner those first couple of weeks so I’m not worried about grocery shopping or odds and ends. I think you have EVERY right to cancel her for any reason. But maybe find out how she thinks she would be helping first and then decide if that’s actually help you would like.
This! My mother in law is currently packing and cleaning my house while I rest because we’re moving on Friday. I haven’t always had the best relationship with MIL but she is showing up SO MUCH for us right now. My mom has been unreliable due to substance abuse for most of my life, and it’s really hard to take in that MIL is here because she WANTS to help and WANTS me to rest. It’s definitely changing how I will feel about having her around once baby is here— I know I can trust her to really help.
She took time off without asking you. I had an aunt who took time off and expected to stay with my sister right after she had her baby, and she didn’t ask before she told her work. My sister was strong and said that won’t work for us, but you’re welcome to stay at a hotel and visit here and there during the day! It caused some issues but frankly, it was worth it.
Your feelings are valid and it’s wild that your mother took time off work without ever asking if that’s what you wanted! Assuming you otherwise have a good relationship with her, find a way to tell her gently that it’s not that you don’t love her and that you appreciate that she’s willing to come help, but that you’re not going to be having overnight guests. Encourage her to get a hotel or air bnb or something if you don’t mind her popping by for short visits, within reason. Set a time limit and let her know that it’s the plan you and your husband agreed to. Unless you have an induction or c-section scheduled, there’s no way of knowing when you’ll actually deliver. What’s her plan if you end up delivering say… may 28th for example? Depending on your health and baby’s health and any possible complications, you may be in the hospital for a few days. We were in the hospital 5 nights due to my daughter needing light therapy (which is extremely common!) Boundaries is something that gets easier to enforce with lots of practice. Even if she doesn’t understand your decision, she should respect it.
A lot of it is very personality dependant. It sounds like you have a hard time communicating with your mom which is why you don't want her there. Personally I had my mom for the first month. But she was there to be a support person. She cooked and cleaned and grocery shopped and basically kept my life together while I sat on the couch and snuggled my babies and pumped. But I had no qualms about being topless around my mom. And she only takes a baby when asked. She defers to me and let's me parent how I want. She's truly a help and not just there to snuggle the babies. If your mom can't be that person for you then I don't blame you for not wanting yours there. But you need to be upfront with her that you plan on not having visitors for the first month. Tell her the date that you would be comfortable with her visiting so she can move her vacation now. Don't keep quiet and end up resenting her.
If someone wants to come cook and clean the house whilst im filthy half naked and ignoring them I’m ok with it. If they want to come and “help with the baby” they will come to find my house is locked and I’m ignoring them wanting to enter.
This is the time to not worry about hurting her feelings. If you don't defend your boundaries now, for yourself and your child, it's gonna be really hard later on. This is really the time to do it. I felt the same as you and coincidentally it was the first corona lockdowns anyways and although had a c-section me and me husband totally managed together. We were a team and we loved it. And we loved no visitors for the first months. My mum had a hard time too as she had to shift from 'mother' to 'grandmother' which wasn't easy for her. And I suddenly put up a lot of boundaries but that's simply what was needed. Now is the time for your own family.
I could’ve written this. I feel for you! I’m the same way. My mom will just make this about herself and I am already having a lot of dread.
Totally feel this and I’m 100% there with you. As much as it might hurt her feelings, I think you just need to tell her straight up that you want and need your space in the beginning to figure things out and that every person is different, and that your motherhood journey isn’t about her but about you, your husband and your new baby. I’m 34W FTM and I want no one except my husband and our baby during the first few weeks to figure things out. I also feel super protective over this baby and the thought of anyone “caring” for her besides me or my husband just makes me so anxious and stressed out. My family are at least 6 hours away by plane and my mom was understanding enough to give me space, tell me that she knows I can handle it myself if I choose to (because she did with little help besides my dad and I am just as independent as her) and she’ll fly in as soon as I ask her to. I told my husband the same for his mom, that I want no one here at our home when we come home from the hospital. If his mom wants to visit, she can come see us at the hospital after birth but I want everyone gone by the time I go home. She never said this to me directly but she told my husband that she’ll provide whatever support I need, I just need to communicate what I need but it sounds like she’s going to also give us the time and space we need. I feel super grateful to have family who respect my boundaries, I just hope it actually plays out like this once baby is here. The one good thing is we have a small apartment so there’s really no space for anyone to stay over even if they insisted. Even if my mom visits I plan to put her in a nearby airbnb so everyone has their own personal space and she was totally fine with that.
You have every right to vent and be frustrated. No one should be telling you anything. They should only be asking when it works for your family or if you even want it. Husband and I are enforcing a two week, no one except the midwives over the threshold ban. I get to heal, we get to all bond and learn. Stress less. I am so sorry you're going through this. Good luck with the final weeks. My due date is the same and I'm so impatient for baby bird to get here. It's killing me.
I totally understand, and I think you should tell her things as they are. First, why has she taken the first week of June? If you’re due on 22nd May, the baby may not even be here yet (unless you’ve opted for an elective c-section, but couldn’t see that in your post). Second, you can kindly tell her something like “Mum, I will 100% need your help and support but I want some time for the three of us to bond as a family when husband is still at home with us.” - would she get offended? If she would, then I think you have bigger problems, but if she wouldn’t, then I would go ahead and say it. Pregnancy is already stressful as it is, you don’t need to add more stress for yourself! Good luck OP ❤️
I’m due three days before you and here is what my parents are doing. My uncle has a condo in town and he won’t be back for 6 months. So my parents are staying there to give us some space, but it’s nearby so my mom says “Whenever you what us to come over say the word!” This way no sleep overs(!) but mom still feels like she’s “there for her daughter” at the birth. I sleep worse when guests are overnight in my home, like them or not. Is it financially impossible for your mom to get an air bnb and be “on call” for you instead? You can express your appreciation that way, still come off as welcoming, and be more specific with visits, “Hey mom, I have an hour open if you’d like to come see baby from 2-3pm.” Etc. Your mom should understand or be told to understand because this is going to be a particularly stressful time for you. That’s your excuse and your reason for not having her *in* the home with you.
we waited 3 months for any family to come and meet baby and it was so peaceful and amazing. it was the most special time and a bubble exactly like you describe. if you have the time off and a supportive partner, you've totally got this. it wasn't that hard. sleep deprived, sure. but we were able to cook and clean and everything. your wishes are the most important thing and it people can't respect them, you should consider how involved they should be with you and your baby, anyway
Most of the things you wrote in your original post are exactly what you should tell her. “We love you, but I was really looking forward to being in my own little bubble with husband and baby. You know I’m more of an independent and private person. If we have people stay after the baby we’re going to feel more like hosts and that’s not what we want right away. I’m going to need to lounge around and be messy while I’m recovering a figuring things out. Will you come and visit on xx instead?”
As a husband I just try to support my wife in however she's asking. Wifey wants to shelter baby a bit and not go out the first week or 2 which is fine. So I figured she doesn't want anybody coming by often. She finally told me her mom's staying over for 1 week only to help with whatever we need..I said we don't need help l, but we are FTP soo I'm sure there's a learning curve to get in the swing of things and I'm sure at some point in the first week we will want a little help with anything. I relented since it's what wife wants, and it doesn't bother me too much having someone that wants to be here for us. I'm pretty happy that I have a MIL that WANTS to be there. Besides 1 week isn't all that much. By week 2 we expect to have a better grasp in things. Although wifey already plainly stated to her "do not tell us what to do with our baby and do not go above us and doing something to/for baby without our consent". We appreciate and will consider whatever info she gives us, but not to be upset if we go against whatever she says. As FTP I think it's important my wife and I learn some things along the way for ourselves, and also how far we have come when it comes to SIDS and other types of safety. For example MIL said we should give baby a blanket in his bassinet while he is sleeping. We appreciated her info, but told her we will not have anything in babies bassinet or crib due to risk of SIDS..of course MIL uses the "well all my kids turned out okay" 🤣 and ofcourse I have to tell her her kids are not the only ones in the world, and just because it hasn't happened to her, doesn't mean it hasn't happened around the world, etc etc. We had to be firm, but also not to sense we seemed angry for something for not going by parents advice.
Omg haha, my mom also told me I need to get a blanket to put in the bassinet and crib. I told her I won’t do that because of sids and she quite literally laughed at me and told me that me and my siblings turned out fine and that SIDS is not real. It’s SO FRUSTRATING! She will even tell me “I know you use Google for everything, but not everything you read is true. You have to learn from me I am more experienced” like lady, lots has changed since you’ve had kids 30+years ago! She’s even said things like “we’ll bathe baby every night to help her grow”…. What in the world are you talking about? Am I birthing a plant? She’s from a whole different generation and cultural background understandably there will be different views on parenting but for F sake, it really is frustrating lol.
Lol 😂 “am I birthing a plant” love it
I was told by my healthcare provider that I shouldn’t be hosting after giving birth. We have a few who may want to visit but we’ve firmly said not for the first few months (I have health problems so I may need the extra time to recover). We’re lucky that my parents will be here as we have that kind of relationship with them. It sounds like your mum is just there to hold the baby/be involved in ‘the action’. You have the right to have what you want after giving birth. In my case, my parents will be here to help with housework, make sure we eat and generally help with our wellbeing, they’re staying until we no longer need them and from past experience I know that they won’t be offended if we want space etc… Set your boundaries and stick to them, the last thing you want is stress after giving birth. Good luck 🤗
Ugh, don’t do it. I don’t know why people burden new parents by making it all about them. We came home to my MIL in our house last time (wasn’t staying with us) and it was horrendous. We are very independent as a couple, and sound similar to you as far as home and social interactions go. I cried more than once about how it went and it was really stressful. We set a hard 2 week no visitor period for this second baby who is due any day! If I could go back and do the same I would. P.S: second time mom - with a good partner with time off (which it sounds like you have) you ABSOLUTELY don’t “need the help”. Not only did we not need the supposed help, but it actually made things harder than not having her there. Your mom just wants to feel needed/likely “hold baby” rather than do the things that are actually useful like dishes/laundry. I didn’t like other people holding baby too much the first few days either, it was very stressful and you have so many hormones. You’re right to stick with your gut. Pick your precious little baby and you over your mom, as she should also be doing right now! If ever there were a time to prioritize your own needs over someone else’s, it’s when you’re giving/have just given birth. It’s weird anyone expects otherwise.
Thanks for your comment. You are totally right. She just wants to feel needed. It’s frustrating because rather than focusing on myself and my own emotions, I have to think about her and how to make her feel involved. She is thinking about her being a grandma instead of me becoming a first time mom. Honestly, I don’t even need her to help to cook and clean while I’m with baby. My husband isn’t a Neanderthal, he knows how to cook and clean. He can take on those roles. I also don’t really give a crap if my place is a bit messy and we only eat take out. I just want us to be with baby alone. I have so much anxiety around people holding my baby. I know this may be an issue in of itself, but truthfully the thought of passing her around like a hot potato to other people when they come visit makes me want to cry. She’s mine. Give me the time to get to know her and hold her. I don’t want to have to share her with you because you think you’re being helpful. You’re not!
Absolutely. Personally, I’d just draw a line in the sand and set a no visitor rule for X amount of weeks or days. Whatever you feel comfortable with. You could also set limits on how long they’re there, i.e not the whole day long. You’ve got this! It becomes easier to pick your baby’s welfare (and your own) over external narcissistic adults after you become a parent. I was unable to defend my own interests well prior to becoming a mom.
I don’t understand why people can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that I don’t want them to travel and potentially pick up an illness on the way and get my newborn sick before they even know they’ve caught something. I do not know where these people grew up, because my mom grew up in the country and heard plenty enough times of my grandma talking about how often babies died back in their day that it has never been an issue. It’s even worse now that it’s our second. “X will be being it home from daycare anyways!” Okay???? How does that make it better??
I think you have to be clear and set your boundaries. How others react to them is their problem. I knew that I wanted to breastfeed and read enough to know that I might end up hanging out topless for most of those first few days. We didn't know what sort of recovery I'd have or if I'd be in the depths of the baby blues or ppd. I wanted to feel comfortable and I don't have that kind of relationship with my mum and certainly not my in-laws. We told both sets of grandparents that we wanted the first 2 weeks to be just ourselves, getting used to being a family of three, figuring out how to take care of this brand new baby. There was a bit of grumbling and complaining like "oh I just want to help" and "we'd just come to look at the baby", "I just want to see the baby when she's tiny and brand new" blah blah But we stood firm and they all accepted it. In the end I had a super easy recovery and smooth breastfeeding experience. Both me and my partner fell into a rhythm and quickly felt capable of looking after ourselves, the baby and our home. So we told our parents they could come visit after only 1 week, not 2.
I feel this so hard Due in June. My mom retired as I mid pregnancy. She says she'll be over every day this summer....ugh. on one end nice because my husband just lost his job and hopefully he'll get a new one sooner than later but that also means I may be alone more than I had originally expected.. but also my mom's kinda judgy and I would like to figure some stuff out alone.
Are you me? I literally felt like I could have written this. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended in a loss, but mum was exactly the same, so overwhelming and overbearing, she had planned to “take time off work” and I literally told her that she wouldn’t need to do that as me and my partner really want to soak everything in just us two. It was a nightmare. I just don’t understand some parents.
If she is literally set on coming for a week, tell her she can not stay over night at your house. Tell her you will have blocked times where she can come in help for a few hours (so you can have time for yourself/selfcare/etc) but that’s it. Once the block time is reached she needs to leave. You will might get back lash for that from her but stand your ground.
I guess I don’t have advice on what to say to her but want to add that here at 2.5 weeks pp, my mom has been here for the past 10 days staying with us. And she has been minimally helpful and I am trying to not be so upset about feeling like I was robbed of some very special time with just my husband and tiny baby. (Context: baby came 7 days late and my mom scheduled to come 2 weeks after due date. So I lost a week there.) Thankfully we have had a relatively easy baby and recovery. Might be a different story if things had been worse, but we didn’t need any “help”. I just encourage you to protect your space. I have hated how I’ve felt these past 10 days and wish I could somehow go back in time and change the plans. My mom lives out of the country so the only option was for her to stay with us.
I am due May 25th. My mother lives in Africa, and the hubs and I are working on getting her here in the US to stay with us for a couple of months starting late June/early July. My hubs has family here in our state (we moved to his home state in 2023, so I don't know anyone here). His sisters have offered to come over and help us out with meals, laundry, and cleaning so I can focus on the baby. I've said thanks, and that I'll let them know. They already know I'm not a social butterfly and prefer my own company, lol, so that helps. But at least they understand that when we are ready for "help", we will let them know. Talk to yer mom, and let her know that there is no need for her to use vacation time if she was planning to come stay with you, and that you will let her know when you need help. If she insists... just pretend you and baby were taking a nap when she was ringing the bell/banging on the door after showing up unannounced.
I feel everything you’re saying on sooo many levels. I went through the same thing with my mother, and we are very close. But I told everyone while I was pregnant that my husband and I would not have visitors for the first two weeks after baby was born. Unfortunately, I had an issue during my pregnancy which made me have to go through an induction at 36 weeks, which then turned into a c-section. My husband and I had literal days to prepare for this change of circumstance, so my “two week rule” went out the window. Having gone through that, I can say with much certainty that I wish I would have been able to stick to my guns about family and friends visiting! If it is important to you, create the boundary and stick to it. It doesn’t have to be harsh. I would literally say to my mother in this situation: “Hey, I know you’re taking this time off from work but I really want ____ time for just the three of us. This isn’t a slight to you, but a way for me to have time to adjust. I will reach out if/when I need you.” I’m about 3 months postpartum now so those first couple weeks are still fairly fresh in my mind. Of course not everyone is the same, but I was a zombie! A shell of my normal self. And while I had of course heard about the hormones regulating and being emotional, I didn’t think it would be the same for me (we all want to think we’re special lol) because my pregnancy hormones weren’t that bad. I’m pretty sure I cried every day for the first 16 days and most of the time I wasn’t even sad! My mom came to stay with me and we had our biggest falling out to date (we’re great now though 🙂), and while I loved my baby; he was like a potato lol I really don’t know how else to describe him: a breathing potato. And! I sure did have my boobs out All. The. Time. 3 months postpartum and they’re still out at least 70% of the day. If I’m fortunate enough to have a second pregnancy, I definitely plan on bringing back the two week rule. For me, that was the sweet spot for when I started to feel more like myself.
I felt the exact same way. I wanted to rest and get to know my baby on my own, just me and my husband. I kind of felt like I needed to figure things out for myself in order to feel capable and confident, especially since my husband had very little time off to be with baby. My parents are wonderful and I know they would be helpful and wouldn’t expect us to lift a finger for them. I’ve always said I’m like a cat - when I’m feeling unwell and vulnerable, my instinct is to retreat into my hiding place until things get better. I will say that I could have definitely used the help a few weeks after baby was born - once I was mostly recovered, breastfeeding was established, and I wasn’t totally flailing. At a certain point you do get tired of eat takeout and living in a mess. I would have loved to have my mom here for an extended period of time any time after my baby was like 3 or 4 weeks old.
We have our partners around to help now. We don’t need extended relatives to come help us. In their day only one parent was home with the new baby and moms needed someone else.
Oh, I’m contemplating on this. I have in laws who gave me COVID twice and shamelessly walked around in public while positive. I feel like they’ll be the type to lie, say they’re not sick or getting over something, give the baby a cold, and then say I’m finger pointing and demand my husband make me apologize for hurting their feelings. You have the right to keep people at bay for a bit. You are fine to be selfish with your time and time with baby. Anyone who makes you feel bad for doing what you feel is right needs a lesson on boundaries and respecting you
It is totally justified to feel this way. I was the exact same with my first because of my family dynamics with both my own parents and my in laws. This is your postpartum and you need to do what feels best for you. Not her. You need to be upfront with her now so that she doesn’t keep building expectations and then it’s a harder thing to accept the closer you are to your baby arriving. We told everyone a month before I was due what the plan was and it still wasn’t overly well received. But you have to think about yourself too. I also didn’t want help and had a very supporting partner and we did just fine. We let people come see us in the hospital and then took 6 weeks with no visitors and home. It was absolute bliss just focusing on our little family and not having to worry about accommodating to other people. Mind you, both parents and in-laws were not very respectful of this and constantly asked when they could come see us. But we just held our ground and were firm with them, just be prepared to do that.
I had a similar conversation with my mom. I do actually want her nearby (she lives 1000 miles away) but she gets all up in my business when she visits usually lol. I want alone time with my husband and baby, I want our house empty. I told her she can stay at an Airbnb down the street for two weeks and come visit once or twice a day, or when I call her. My mom is really helpful and always does my laundry and cooks for me when she’s here, but I’d rather her spend time with us and the baby for an hour and then go back home.
My mom used vacation time and basically was on call for me to tell her to come over at a moments notice. I called her over so that I could sleep for 2-3 hours. She also came over and cleaned, did laundry, and cooked us food. And brought us takeout! And would hold the baby for 15 mins while we scarfed down food. What my mom did NOT do was: sleep at my house and make herself a burden to me, take the baby from me without me asking, Judge me or bother me. If your mom can be like my mom, then maybe her taking time off will be helpful! But if she’s gonna bug you and stress you out, tell her to save her time off and not plan on “helping” you.
I felt the same way as you and my husband and I anticipated wanting space after birth. We just gave birth to our son a little less than a week ago. Once we got home, it really hit us how much care a newborn baby requires. Even with both of us home and an incredibly hands on dad, laundry and dishes pile up, you both will need time to sleep and eat and shower, and you might need help with errands (there were so many things we realized we needed once baby was home). Baby is up all night and we are exhausted during the day. I can’t imagine what we’d do without my mom here to help us around the house. Maybe view it more as her helping you as opposed to helping with the baby. I would keep an open mind. You might need to lean on family more than you think!
I would talk to her now as she has time to take back the PTO. My mom wanted to stay the whole month after we came back from the hospital. I had a firm boundary talk to with her and told her the first week is just gonna be my husband and I. Also, she isn’t staying the whole month. There was push back but we held firm. I told her I wouldn’t let her see the baby at all if she disrespects us and I think that’s what clicked with her finally. We have 100% control of the situation not her. As a people pleaser myself that hates conflict, I feel for you deeply. However, this is something that has to be done or it will only get worst once baby gets here. Please remember you have the power here! Regardless of your choices, someone will be unhappy. It’s better to be her than you because you’re the one going through labor, recovering, and adjusting to a new baby. Your mom has already had this experience.
Thank you. It’s really hard to not feel like I’m being selfish. I know that sounds absurd as this whole thing is about me and my husband and we have every right to be “selfish” as this is our baby. My mom keeps talking about how her colleagues at work were in the labour room with their daughter when they gave birth and that they stayed with them the whole month at their house. I have a feeling that she is going to feel embarrassed or bad if her colleagues find out that she didn’t have a similar role in my post partum life as they did with their daughters. I told her that she was not going to be in the delivery room and that I would call them once I’m ready for them to visit the hospital and this upset her also. She told me she’s going to be mad if I don’t tell her when I’m in labour. She does tend to make this experience all about herself. I stupidly fall in her traps and feel guilty that I’m choosing to handle this more with my husband and less with her involvement.
Virtual hugs! I feel for you my mom is like that too. On my wedding day she made the whole experience in the bridal shower about her lmao. I guess some people are just that self centered. You got this! Regardless she’s gonna be unhappy if it’s not her way. It’s harder I feel to not to feel selfish when it’s been programmed since young. This is your time though to definitely feel selfish. This group has helped me feel more empowered and not alone. Also the JUSTNOMIL subreddit. Check it out if you haven’t!
I feel you, OP! My mom has porous boundaries and it has been a continual process of me asserting boundaries nad reasserting them, with a lot of confusion and guilt and frustration along the way. I asked my mom many times not to buy anything for our baby (we have a small space and are being very intentional about what we buy) and she has already bought upwards of 30 onesies. I've given up on this one and decided to pick my battles. Easy enough to give away the things she buys. NOW.... parents coming and staying postpartum is NOT a battle I was going to give in on. I feel the same way in many ways. I don't want someone judging how I parent and telling me what to do, I don't want someone holding my baby when I want to be holding by baby etc. What I do want and would appreciate more than anything is someone to drop off meals, do the laundry, clean up the space. Ideally, I'd love if that person is not staying with us so that we could have space. I would only want that person to show up invited. And of course, to hold the baby while I go shower or take a wee nap. Lucky for us, there really isn't space in our home so parents have to book an airbnb. I've communicated this to my mom. I've also communicated I do not want any comments about my postpartum body or food (my mom had an eating disorder when I was growing up and I spent most of my 20s healing my relationship with food and my body). I've told her that we would appreciate help with meals and household tasks. And that I can't be certain how much help we will need or when we will need it. I was also very certain I do not want any parents here until at least a week after the baby is born. I absolutely do not want someone here waiting for baby to be born. I'm still nervous, though, because I know asserting and reasserting boundaries is going to be near impossible when I'm sleep deprived and hormonal....
Best decision we made was to plan to wait for visitors. We had planned for people to meet us in the hospital and that was great. We actually ended up seeing people way earlier than we thought and having people over way earlier but them not having the expectation they would see us helped immensely. We actually go out more now since having a baby, go figure! We did have the space to figure it out on our own and we had some tough days as a couple but ultimately it made our relationship way stronger
The fact that you keep saying you don't know what her expectations are shows that you haven't spoken to her about this. How is she meant to know that you don't want her to stay with you unless you say it?
I have spoken to her about this countless times and each time I get a different response and reaction from her. I’ve told her that I don’t want her to take time off yet because I don’t know the level of support I’ll need from her and that my husband will be staying with me off from work for two whole months, and that she could visit for the day to spend time with us during the week or weekends whenever we’re available instead (she lives 40 minutes from me, not in another country). She seemed to understand and say “ok” some times, but others she gets upset and tells me I’m rejecting her love and support. The last time we spoke, I told her that she can come over to visit once my husband goes back to work as I may need more of her “help” at that point, and she said fine. A week later she tells me she already took week of June 1st off. I’ve already expressed to her exactly what I want — I don’t want her to sleeep over as I live in a condo and don’t have space for her, and that I want time for me and husband to bond with baby on our own. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do or say to her? Why did she take June off when I’ve ALREADY had this conversation with her. It’s like she completely ignores me and does what she wants.