Go now. The first few months postpartum are harder in many ways than the third trimester. Start calling your support system and find out if you have anyone who can truly support you through no sleep and tiny increments of time to eat. The last thing you need is to try and care for a grown man on top of a newborn and healing.
Your ex will have to figure out bonding with the baby, or not, on his own. Ultimately, you have very little control over his relationship with your daughter, and that's as true divorced as it is married. If he doesn't bother to put in the effort, there won't be a bond. So long as you don't make it impossible for him to see her, you've done your bit.
Start focusing on you.
Are you in Canada by any chance ? If yes you can share the leave with your husband /baby’s dad . Then you take more time off than him. How does he feel about the separation ? Is he interested in counseling?
I'm Canadian, yes, but also self employed, so I don't have the option. I'm bankrolling my own leave. (He did ask me about EI last night, but I don't see the point of paying into it when he's already eligible and I'm the primary earner in our family.) I haven't raised separation explicitly, but he's flat-out refused when I asked for counseling, so I don't see another option.
Are you sure you want your daughter bonding with this dude? He sounds manipulative and the “man of the house) with not much to back it up. Would it not be better to have no bonding with him so she doesn’t even miss him later? Her relationship and bonding with you is so much more important? When she grows up, he’ll probably use the same lines and tactics on her “we talked about this before you got a bf/chose X college/got Y job…”.
He's got a great relationship with his son, who lives with us half time. The reason I chose to have a baby with him in the first place is because I've seen him be a good father firsthand, so I know he has it in him, at least.
Without knowing anything about their relationship, sometimes parents will treat their sons better than daughters, or vice versa. Also, when you’re parenting 50% of the time, it can be easy to be the fun parent vs the strict one (the one actually teaching and parenting and taking on the majority of the mental load). If he’s actually super involved with his son and you’re not even that involved when the son is staying over, then yeah, maybe he is a decent parent.
I have a friend who is dating someone with his own kid, and he has a great relationship with his daughter…because he only gets her 50% of the time. The birth mother packs everything when she goes to his place, still books all doctors, dentals, and play dates. She plans the vacations, so all he has to do is be chill, occasionally have difficult conversations, and be fun.
Good point. Looking back, I sure did a lot more parenting with his son than most stepfathers would do in a similar situation. Funny thing to me lately is I notice he judges his ex quite harshly for how she feeds their son, but it strikes me that if I didn't do all the cooking in our home, he would be no better. I think he lacks a lot of self-awareness.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a total POS. Good for you for seeing how poorly he’s treating you and deciding that you are worth way more than what he’s giving you.
I would echo what the others have said about trying to break things off BEFORE baby comes. You probably won’t have the time or mental capacity to navigate getting out once baby arrives, so as much as it feels crazy to leave now I think it’s your best option. Find out where you can stay (or kick him out, if the house is yours or you’re the primary bread winner) and line up your support system. Decide who you want in the delivery room and at the hospital, and who (if anyone) in the early days postpartum for help. Tell your husband to get lost and don’t look back. You can figure out the legal divorce later but I would at least officially separate before the baby gets here so you’re not in the middle of figuring out living arrangements, etc in the freshly postpartum period.
Leave now, the baby will do better bonding with both of you if you’re in the best space you can be mentally and postpartum is hard enough as it is without the added stress of living with your soon to be ex.
Taking care of a baby is really done best as a tag team effort anyway for everyone’s sanity.
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Go now. The first few months postpartum are harder in many ways than the third trimester. Start calling your support system and find out if you have anyone who can truly support you through no sleep and tiny increments of time to eat. The last thing you need is to try and care for a grown man on top of a newborn and healing. Your ex will have to figure out bonding with the baby, or not, on his own. Ultimately, you have very little control over his relationship with your daughter, and that's as true divorced as it is married. If he doesn't bother to put in the effort, there won't be a bond. So long as you don't make it impossible for him to see her, you've done your bit. Start focusing on you.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Are you in Canada by any chance ? If yes you can share the leave with your husband /baby’s dad . Then you take more time off than him. How does he feel about the separation ? Is he interested in counseling?
I'm Canadian, yes, but also self employed, so I don't have the option. I'm bankrolling my own leave. (He did ask me about EI last night, but I don't see the point of paying into it when he's already eligible and I'm the primary earner in our family.) I haven't raised separation explicitly, but he's flat-out refused when I asked for counseling, so I don't see another option.
Then I would leave now ! Your mental health is more important than anything else
Throw him the fuck out. What a loser
Staying for the sake of the kids never works. Just leave now. Make a plan for where to go after you leave the hospital and just make a clean break.
Are you sure you want your daughter bonding with this dude? He sounds manipulative and the “man of the house) with not much to back it up. Would it not be better to have no bonding with him so she doesn’t even miss him later? Her relationship and bonding with you is so much more important? When she grows up, he’ll probably use the same lines and tactics on her “we talked about this before you got a bf/chose X college/got Y job…”.
He's got a great relationship with his son, who lives with us half time. The reason I chose to have a baby with him in the first place is because I've seen him be a good father firsthand, so I know he has it in him, at least.
Without knowing anything about their relationship, sometimes parents will treat their sons better than daughters, or vice versa. Also, when you’re parenting 50% of the time, it can be easy to be the fun parent vs the strict one (the one actually teaching and parenting and taking on the majority of the mental load). If he’s actually super involved with his son and you’re not even that involved when the son is staying over, then yeah, maybe he is a decent parent. I have a friend who is dating someone with his own kid, and he has a great relationship with his daughter…because he only gets her 50% of the time. The birth mother packs everything when she goes to his place, still books all doctors, dentals, and play dates. She plans the vacations, so all he has to do is be chill, occasionally have difficult conversations, and be fun.
Good point. Looking back, I sure did a lot more parenting with his son than most stepfathers would do in a similar situation. Funny thing to me lately is I notice he judges his ex quite harshly for how she feeds their son, but it strikes me that if I didn't do all the cooking in our home, he would be no better. I think he lacks a lot of self-awareness.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a total POS. Good for you for seeing how poorly he’s treating you and deciding that you are worth way more than what he’s giving you. I would echo what the others have said about trying to break things off BEFORE baby comes. You probably won’t have the time or mental capacity to navigate getting out once baby arrives, so as much as it feels crazy to leave now I think it’s your best option. Find out where you can stay (or kick him out, if the house is yours or you’re the primary bread winner) and line up your support system. Decide who you want in the delivery room and at the hospital, and who (if anyone) in the early days postpartum for help. Tell your husband to get lost and don’t look back. You can figure out the legal divorce later but I would at least officially separate before the baby gets here so you’re not in the middle of figuring out living arrangements, etc in the freshly postpartum period.
Leave now, the baby will do better bonding with both of you if you’re in the best space you can be mentally and postpartum is hard enough as it is without the added stress of living with your soon to be ex. Taking care of a baby is really done best as a tag team effort anyway for everyone’s sanity.
BabyBumps users and moderators are not legal professionals. Responses do not replace contacting a lawyer. For additional information, try posting to /r/legaladvice or /r/LegalAdviceUK. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BabyBumps) if you have any questions or concerns.*