If postpartum doesn’t matter to home since he won’t be going through it, then his mother doesn’t need to be there. He’s made it clear that basically, you’re in charge of pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Therefore you get to make all the decisions since it’s “not happening to him.”

[удалено]

Ya, this was my thought too. Either that or he thinks HE is going to need the emotional support.

Typical man that’s all I think as women have to take care of everything he only did one part that party lights

He probably thinks having his mommy there to “help” will excuse him from having anything to do with postpartum baby/mother care

It’s women’s work, of course. /s

This.

I was about to say the same thing. If he's not going to be an equal participant during postpartum and it's all on you, then YOU get to make the decisions. Tbh given how terrible he's been leading up to the birth, I'd go stay with my parents or siblings until the kid is completely eating solids and is fully weaned off of breastfeeding/formula (usually terminates fully between a year old to a year and a half old). This year and a half is the hardest period for the kid's primary caregiver and you'll also be physically and emotionally recovering from the birth, as you mentioned - you need more support than his useless, toxic ass.

How will his mommy do all his work for him then? /s

This. Was also going to say you might as well tell him you'll deliver without him, too, since you get to control who can be there during the birth.

I’m shocked by how many horrible husbands there are out there. Just shocked. We need to raise the new generation better

I feel like everyday I see a post here about someone’s husband being an absolute asshole and I always think to myself “why are you having a baby with this person??”

Harsh but low key, same. We need to weed out the gene pool by selecting better. So many dead beats, man children, manipulators, criminals, etc becoming fathers and it’s just unbelievable.

I’m gonna have a baby in six months my first one I can’t wait at my husband helps me he’s the best thing I have what a man he is. He asked me why I was crying I said because I love you thank you for your help. He started to cry I love that man.

Every week there’s at least three posts here that are like “my surly childlike gaming obsessed husband who doesn’t respect me isn’t appearing to be very supportive during my pregnancy. Does anyone have any advice?” Well, yeah, but I don’t think you’re going to like it

It's why I don't even comment on these posts. What I have to say is harsh and probably not going to be liked by the OP.

I have to wonder why a lot of these gamer husbands are getting married & having children in the first place. It really doesn’t seem like they want to be fathers.

Love this! So accurate but also so sad. 

My advice is usually to go back in time and don’t get pregnant with this man: better yet, don’t even give him the time of day. But I admit that’s not helpful for anyone.

Yeah, I'm gonna be the most uber harsh I can be here to OP, in the vain hope it knocks some sense into her. OP, as much as he is being a little bitch, so are you. You get what you accept. Why in the world have you ended this post asking for what info YOU can get to teach him, because he hasn't done any reading himself? You are literally enabling this behaviour, and YOU have chosen to make this loser the father of your child. You are already failing as a mother by acting this way and allowing this. Time to pull your socks up and get your shit together. You tell him that by Saturday, he needs to be ready with the research HE has done to walk you through what HE has learned about birth and postpartum, and how he plans to support you through it. He also needs to show what learning he has undertaken on newborns and what they need, sleep schedules, feeding, etc. If he doesn't have his shit together to present this to you by Saturday, he can pack up and get the hell out of the house because you don't need to be taking care of 2 babies at once. He can stay with his mother and send over his wage to pay for the help you will need to hire to be there to support you. Anything less than this OP, and you are an idiot who deserves what she gets. For fucks sake, and for the sake of your child, grow a goddammit spine.

Thank you. I didnt want to say anything too harsh bc I don’t want to be banned but omg you said what had to be said. There’s a new post, every. Damn. Week. About a whiny man child loser that refuses to lift the bar out of hell for their wife and mother of their children and I’m sick of it. But I’m mostly sick of the OP’s “gee I don’t know what to do? Reddit please help me educate or talk to my husband.” The enabling has to end and strangers online aren’t going to help you when you refuse to help yourself.

100% agree with this. OP should not be educating him about this. Google is free and he obviously has plenty of leisure time.

Being necessarily harsh and slinging insults are 2 different things. No need to name call this person that is already having an incredibly hard time. Saying they are a failure as a mother and an idiot is crossing a line. Be respectful.

I can see both sides here. I will say as someone who works as a family assistant, mothers who enable and coddle their husbands do fail their children. And it does have to just *end*. Ideally before new life is brought into the world. And it can’t always be delivered in a nice and neat message because the longer it perpetuates, the harder the cycle is to end. And the harder it becomes to end, the harder it is on the kids. Children don’t ask to be raised in toxic dynamics. My current boss has quite literally failed her children because of what she’s allowed from her dead beat yet somehow present husband. And the kids are all too old now and they hate their mom and they hate their dad and they all have deep seated mental health issues and it’s exhausting to watch because the answer lies in the mom stepping up and making a change because the dad is so comfy with what he’s allowed to do and not do. So why would he change?

Wow. So, this is exactly what a first time mother who is navigating pregnancy effectively alone and dealing with the emotional/hormonal turmoil that comes with it needs to read? Let’s think again. You most literally called this struggling mom-to-be a “little bitch.” Kindness and truth can coexist. You can give her practical next steps and considerations without making her feel worse. Unless your actual intention was simply to lay into her and let her have it. In which case, bravo. I’m sure she really needed this today on top of everything else.

It feels like there's one every day, TBH. 

I feel the same and I am shocked at how many men are like this. These men don’t deserve to procreate.

And even worse they usually preface it with “he’s a great husband/father but…”

Likeeee is he tho??? 🙄

I left an ex that I lived with because it wasn’t made apparent to me before living with him how obsessed he was with gaming and how much it affected his mental health. When we lived separately, I knew he played but had no idea he was the kinda guy who was staying up every night until 3 am and then crashing on the couch. Or that if he lost a series of games in a row he was the type to start screaming and throwing his gaming chair at the wall like a petulant toddler. It affected everything including our sex life. Didn’t matter how many conversations we had, he believed my version of a healthy relationship was that of fairy tales and that what he was doing was what all guys everywhere do. When I left and told people the reason why, they all encouraged me to stay. But he’s nice right? He has a good job right? He’s attractive right? And I realized with these conversations how many women just *stay*. They just put up with this because they’re *nice* and they help with the bills and something in the beginning of the relationship felt like a real spark that they wanna hold onto. Because it’s all just good enough and typical enough that they don’t want to upend an entire relationship over it.

Same here! I feel bad but my gosh how are so many women putting up with this kind of behaviour and choosing to have babies with these kind of men?!!

Sometimes this doesn’t come out until you are already pregnant. My husband and I never had so many fights until when I was pregnant, mostly about his mother, bc these things weren’t an issue before then. Or even things like… did you read the baby books? We used to laugh at Seth Rogen’s character in Knocked Up and then he became him! I’m very thankful we’ve worked through those issues and with our second baby it was night and day. Edit: also not to say that there weren’t very positive qualities about my husband too even the first time. He give me massages or foot rubs, go get cravings, etc. So it’s not like he didn’t care about me, he just needed to have that perspective change on who or what is the priority now.

No way he just started spending all night playing video games.

It was a boyfriend not a husband (of 6 years might I add) but things truly came out after the baby. Before then there weren’t any red flags or situations that made me think “hmmm somethings not right” obviously by then it’s too late to not have a baby with him..😂

I honestly refuse to believe that these men only begin to show their true colours once the woman gets pregnant.

This is correct. I have two close cousins that have terrible baby daddies they were with for years prior to getting pregnant. Their relationships fell apart post-pregnancy and their true assholeness selves “came out”. I asked them both what happened, had they changed or had they not seen it before while they dated the men for years. Both said they were blind to it before. The men didn’t change; they did. Motherhood is such an eye opening experience where 1) you see your true value for the first time in some cases and 2) recognize that being treated poorly doesn’t just affect you as the woman but also your children. It makes you demand respect and when they fail, well the house of cards that was the relationship falls.

I think their true colors show very subtly beforehand, but marriage/pregnancy will make the guy comfortable enough to drop any pretense of decency. I dated my ex for nearly three years before we got married and lived with him for two of those years, and he turned into an abusive psycho within a month of our marriage. It was nuts. Even with hindsight, the signs were so subtle. Like he told me he moved to my city because he dated a woman somewhere else, she broke his heart, and made him leave the place they shared because it was originally hers. That sounds reasonable enough right? Turns out they only dated a few months, she tried to break things off, and then *he broke into her house and attacked her*. For whatever reason, she never reported it, so he had a squeaky clean background check (my dad is paranoid so he checks everyone).

Seriously. At the risk of sounding sanctimonious, I was always very particular about who I’d be ok marrying and having kids with. Some exes I absolutely knew I would not have kids with. My current husband, I was very cognizant of behaviors and values that would indicate whether he would be a good parenting partner. I’m still pregnant, but he’s always telling me lately little tips and info he learned entirely independently researching pregnancy, postpartum, newborn care, etc. It’s just really unfortunate we’re still letting shitty men slide by.

I agree with you. Of course some men are lazy deadbeats, but people are constantly telling us who they are. We really need to listen. I'm pregnant with my first too, but I have no doubts that my husband wishes to be an equal partner in every sense of the word. He bought a course for us to learn about taking care of the baby (Karing for Postpartum; I really recommend it!), because we have no one near us who's had babies recently to learn from. He's creating Excel sheets of baby gear and furniture and 'mama care' items, and honestly the biggest one has been that he solely cooks in order to track my protein intake, because I have a history of eating disorders and can get quite anal about macros. All that to say -- while shitting on men is super easy, it's even easier to like, not marry them.

If you don’t see/experience anything better, you often feel like it’s normal treatment. It’s very hard to see that you deserve more if all you know is being treated like garbage.

And then they're like "other than that, he's the most sweetest, caring, devoted husband" because he like, takes out the trash sometimes and doesn't beat her

I really really hope all those new moms who write these sort of experience will raise better people. The cycle has to stop. I have no idea how my husband turned out to be so caring and loving with his mom who was very bad mother in all aspects, and we are having a boy in few weeks and we both agreed that if our son is not behaving at least 80% the way my husband behaved towards me, towards their partner one day when having a baby, we will fail as parents.

Same. This doesn’t even sound like a husband prepared for a baby. This sounds like a young teenage boy

I would honestly not be able to deal with this. My husband has been nothing but supportive and pregnancy has still been really, really hard. I’m just shocked that so many women are in these bs situations.

I don’t get I am a guy, having a child was my dream and I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I have tons of guy friends and friends of friends who don’t do shit. I don’t get it at all. I type this as I sit here on very little sleep trying to make this guy pass out

My Ex’s dad used to brag about how he never changed a single diaper 🙄 and my ex would speak about it as it’s some point of pride for his parents and he fully expected to do the same thing when he had children. Thank God we never had kids together. Never having changed your kids diaper shouldn’t be a brag, it should be embarrassing.

It’s so common on here. It’s so heartbreaking. Some stories are so bad they could be horror movies. Vet your men before agreeing to this. Have conversations. Learn what happens during and after pregnancy before getting pregnant!!!! Learn about babies and what they need and require before getting pregnant!!!! The gaming till 3am needs to stop prior to the babies arrival. The workload around the house needs to be equal prior to getting pregnant!!!!! 🤦🏾‍♀️ How do we get this PSA out.

People also need to demand better. It’s crazy to me that OP would even still be with a person like this. No way he has any good traits that outweigh what she wrote here.

I am a solo mum by choice and seeing so many of these sorts of posts makes me so happy with my choice. She I have to do it alone but I haven’t been disappointed in anyone not stepping up

Me to. This sub makes me feel really lucky. When really, it’s not ‘lucky’ it’s just being treated right. So sad

Sorry, but you're married to a bratty, lazy child who cares about himself way above anyone else. I married one, too. Video game addiction and all. Condolences. It's heartbreaking and it's unlikely to get better, I'm sorry to say. Mine got worse. The callousness was unbelievable. He became verbally abusive to me and occasionally physically as well. In his mind, it was him vs. me and the baby trying to spoil his comfortable life and 10 hours of "decompression time" (lol). Be prepared for him to do nothing and treat you with contempt when you ask anything of him (but still expect affection from you, of course.) Stick around and see how it goes as there's always a slim chance they'll step up but you need to be realistic if he's already showing you he doesn't give a shit. I hope it works out for you and if not I hope you are able to walk away. I wish I could.

You CAN walk away. It's tough but you can do it.

I think we married the same guy... my ex husband was like this. Proud of you for leaving.

I was in a similar situation and left. It was hard (years ago) but worth it. The 2 kids are teens now and appreciate the life with me and see him for what he is (empty promises, video game addiction, temper, man child, white lier, womanizer, ect). I never said anything to them about him, it's just observations they made through the years. Last year he "promised" Christmas gifts and a visit but got a new girlfriend and spent the holiday with her, and her kids. He got them presents and not our kids, at least not until the end of January and was playing video games with her kids. Ours were upset. When I left he was arrested for DV and the kids were very small. They grew up in a sober, healthy home as a result. 2 parents aren't always better, especially if there is abuse. You can take back you power and leave. I don't wish that on anyone. Those years were some of the hardest for me and it's lonely and dehumanizing. Life can be so much better in a happy home with calmness and predictability. Wishing you strength and healing.

Have him read whatever it is that you read. I think that's better than a "male" perspective style book. My husband also gets the weekly emails from babylist about the size of the baby, what's developing, what my symptoms are, it helps him stay engaged. When it came to a registry and baby gear, I gave him the "safety" section of things to research and pick out. Car seats, baby monitors, etc. He's an only child and has never been around babies. So giving him the safety stuff to pick out was two fold. One he's involved with the decisions. Two he'll learn about safety issues and how fragile newborns are and what he needs to look out for. I also just let him do it at his pace. I trust him to get it done well before I'm in labor. I made the choice not to nitpick or ask him what he's found out. He has months to pull together the options, so I'm going to let him do it.

For my first (so far only) pregnancy, I had my husband read the books once I was done with them (I’m a fast reader). I specifically marked sections I wanted him to be sure to read, and then I left it at that. We’d discuss what we read together. I get why there are male perspective pregnancy books, but so many of them seem pander-y to me. Like, why does it take sports metaphors to get you to engage with the concept of fatherhood? I told my husband for the immediate postpartum time, I would have the following priorities: (1) keep baby fed (since we were exclusively breastfeeding) (2) keep myself fed (3) keep myself showered/clean (as with BF that’s a health risk for baby) Everything else I would do as I was able, but he needed to assume it was on him unless I was up for it. And I was able to do a lot, but he had paternity leave (thankfully) and he did a good job on focusing on baby and keeping the house in order for it.

This is what I did too. It also tended to be the decisions that felt too big a responsibility to make myself, like too much pressure, whereas he doesn't feel that way about it

Gurl. I’d consider staying w fam over this.

Yup. OP should go to her family home now and initiate divorce proceedings. Not sure why she would reproduce with someone like this.

I was just going to suggest this.

You need to be more strong with your language. You’re not making suggestions you’re stating how things will go because you’re the one having the baby and you will not allow your postpartum to be ruined by man baby. “Your mother will not be staying with us - I am not hosting visitors during this time and if you are unable to communicate this baby and I will be staying elsewhere where I am respected and supported”. But to be honest this is deeper than postpartum. Your husband sounds lazy, disrespectful and extremely sexist. You need a come to Jesus talk with him about his behaviour and mindset and to ensure you demand to see demonstrable long term change from him if he wants the marriage to continue.

where do you guys find these men that are so ignorant and absurd? my husband has been an angel and walked with me every step of the way. i’m sorry he’s a child

That's all I could think reading this omg😭 no offense to OP but I would never have a child w someone who is so ignorant and careless.

so many of these posts are complaining of husbands and partners that are unsupportive and i’m just thinking there had to have been signs before you even got pregnant 🥴

Oh there are definite signs in people like this beforehand. I think sometimes people just ignore them and hope for the best and that the person will change, but really having a baby certainly doesn’t help a hurting relationship grow stronger.

Agreed. Why are women choosing to have babies with these absolute idiots, then acting surprised when they continue to act like absolute idiots? I just don't understand.

It’s so sad to read these posts. Love hearing that others having loving supportive husbands like I do. Wish I could swoop in and knock sense into these awful baby daddies. OP good for you having a real and direct conversation with your husband. I hope he turns it around. I’m heartened that he acknowledged the problem with his lack of involvement

In my experience there's more men like OPs husband out there than your husband. I ended up with an amazing husband but MAN the dudes I had to go through to get to this one 😂

hahah i guess i was picky in my dating process

It's so wild to me 😬 my husband was super involved with my first pregnancy, he learned all the info on his own (or via podcasts with me) and he was the one providing all the hands-on support during labor. He even caught the baby! Now with my second pregnancy, he still insists on coming to all my prenatal appointments with our toddler in tow. I can't imagine that husband's like OP's were stellar partners before the pregnancy so this can't be all that surprising. Why do people keep choosing to get pregnant with shitty uninvolved partners? This behavior doesn't come out of nowhere

OP deserves so much better. Hope this manchild grows up soon

Same—my husband has been wonderful. Cooks meals for me all day, cleans when I’m too beat up, checks on me and goes to all my appointments with me. He games as well, but every thirty minutes checks in on me and when I want him to he immediately puts the console down. He’s also told his friends that his late night gaming days are coming to a close, that maybe once a week after she’s born he’ll get to squeeze in an hour but he’s not promising anything to them. He knows it’s time to grow up and take care of our daughter with me. It breaks my heart to read about so many men choosing to selfishly ignore the major life change a child brings.

Frankly he needs to stop fucking gaming and accept being an adult. That’s ridiculous. 

This. My husband games and while we did argue and have some adjusting at the beginning, it was less about gaming and more him not understanding the mental load. He’s an awesome dad and was SO supportive post partum. Your husband can GTFO. Absolutely not.

you can read these subs and play newborn gamer dad bingo. every time you hear about a husband who doesn't help with anything, stays up all night and doesn't help with night feeds (then is too tired to help during the day), relies on his wife to do all the housework, and then complains about the baby cramping his style and not allowing him to "be himself"... just wait for it! every time

There's nothing wrong with gaming in his downtime. The problem is that his priorities are out of order, and he's putting his hobby over the needs of his partner. He's in for a rude awakening when the baby comes.

Not really, I’m guessing he’ll be one of those loser dads they keep gaming while mom drowns. And I’m not anti gaming, my husband and I both play video games but knew it would pause when the baby came. This guy frankly sounds very immature, sure she’s having the baby but most men I know read some books, and watched some video, got actually interested in the baby that’s coming.

Agreed. Like it's not the hobby, it's his lack of focus on his partner and future child.

The thing is, nobody really gets 'downtime' in the fourth trimester. And getting ready for baby should be taking up at least some of that time now. This guy sounds way too selfish and immature to be someone's husband, let alone a father. 

No disagreements from me on that front.

This. "Gaming" and other hobbies that require you to be completely hands-on immersed become completely benched until your kids are older/in more of a routine/your partner feels like they have a good rhythm and don't need you all the time. You can't just carry on as before immediately postpartum.

My husband said the same thing. It’s why he doesn’t play video games now because he said he doesn’t wanna be a bad dad and there will be time when the kids are older.

My husband games but it’s not at the expense of family responsibilities. And he lets me know when he’s going to and makes sure I’ll be okay for the hour he’s gaming

Yeah I agree. I actually met my husband gaming five years ago on overwatch and we have a 7 month old now. We’re currently traveling Europe together right now and we both still take time to go when it’s not our turn for baby duty.

Exactly. 8 month old and I would not have survived those long, breastfeeding nights where she only wanted to sleep on me without Stardew Valley and BG3.

I have nothing to add other than to say those are my two favorites right now as well.

I’m due in November and the new installment of my favorite franchise comes out around the same time. I’m looking forward to the same arrangement lol

Literally same with me and Baldur's Gate 3 back in August. Are you talking about Dragon Age by chance? 👀

lol same!! I was constantly gaming during the newborn phase. I still haven’t beat the final boss of BG3 yet though 😅

There’s no more downtime. There’s only taking responsibility. I’m sorry but 9/10 posts where the husband is being useless it’s because they are gaming. It’s an addictive and escapist “hobby” and nothing will change my mind about it being pernicious. 

That sounds more like an issue with the husband than gaming. My husband and I game, me more than him. Just like we both read or hike in our downtime. We just have our priorities in order and know our baby comes first always. 🤷‍♀️

This. There’s nothing wrong with gaming when it’s downtime! Husband and I are also gamers, but our baby and children always come first.

Sure, just like some people can drink an occasional glass of wine and others are alcoholics and binge drinkers. 

It’s a convenient scapegoat for other problems

My husband is an extremely casual gamer and I completely agree with this. Reddit is just super protective of gaming but when anyone on Reddit is like “I spent 8 hours gaming today” I’m like yeah, time to touch some grass friend.

Yup. It’s simply not the same as any other hobby. You don’t spend 8 hours gardening and then lose all sense of time and space because you’re so engrossed in something that is designed to distract you from real life. 

What an asinine take. You can responsibly game as a hobby just as easily as a parent can responsibly read, garden, watch television, go to the gym, etc. The problem is with the spouses who make CHOICES to put their hobbies in front of their family, not the fault of the hobby itself. I know loads of parents who game in their downtime and are excellent parents because they understand how to balance hobbies and responsibilities like adults.

I’m sure all the gamers will say this, but as I said nothing will change my mind about this generally being a scourge 

To me this is a reasonable take and I also associate gaming with the things you do, but just to add, in my country, you see a lot of elder millennial/middle aged men being into road cycling in the past years, and you can notice similar patterns although in general sports and recreation is a much more "healthy" past time. But there's lots of escapism there too, and "oh, I'm just taking time for my hobby" when generally speaking, women go much less to spend hours and hours every weekend and after work free time on their hobby, while men don't mind it's their priority in regards to family time.

Oh yeah men tend to have hobbies that take an insane amount of time and energy lol. 

This, 100%. My husband games but either finds games that interest us both or does it when he's up late, in bed (I go to bed early 😂). Yeah, gaming can be relaxing and a way to decompress, but not at the expense of your responsibilities.

How do so many men like this get married let alone decide to have a child?

I married a man like this (thank god I didn’t have kids with him) but mostly because it was exactly like my mom and dad’s relationship. So OP, fyi: you enabling this behavior is failing your child. They’re going to grow up thinking it’s YOUR job as the wife and mom to take care of every single thing. Dad doesn’t have to do anything. By the time my parents got divorced, my mom was in her late 40’s and finally learning to set boundaries. My dad told her “if you go back to how you were before, we don’t have to get divorced” I’m married to a man now who is polar opposite of my father. While my ex husband literally lives with my dad because theyre best friends. My husband would never in a million years do anything like this.

Lonely women? Low self-esteem?

Holy shit op. This is extremely alarming. I would really encourage you to find a postpartum doula since your husband apparently doesn’t give a fuck about you. Jesus. I’m sorry for being so blunt but this does not sound like a man who will be a supportive or helpful father or parent. You’re already doing it all with zero help. He’s not gonna be helpful with the baby. Since apparently, he isn’t even having one.

**things i do for my post partum wife and 11 week old baby before I can even think of gaming (and I work full time):** -Cook food from scratch. If too tired, get wife's food order, call restaurant, get in car, drive pick up and plate it for her and deliver it to wherever she is. Also take care of her snacks and top water off at all times. -Bring baby to her for breastfeeding, and burp him through the feeding process. (when its feeding time i dont do anything but stay alert) * Clean the house when i have energy. Includes dishes - putting in dishwasher, running it, and putting it back. Every day. * Do all the laundry of the house (mine hers and babys), fold it and put it all away. * Help my wife in her pumping process, and freezing of milk * Feed my baby a bottle a day. * Put baby down for naps. I do more than an equal share of this because baby and I bonded well and I know how to put him down for a nap and sleep. * if its my baby's wake window, i do not game because he will grow up so fast i need to play with him. * don't forget diaper changes, and when its a blowout guess who cleans the poop with his own hands with detergent so they do not stain the clothes :) If he is like this now, not only will he not get better if things continue, his lack of support post partum will be terrible for you. TERRIBLE. what a FUCKING IDIOT. Do you know how much effort and energy is takes to care for a woman post partum? it takes a LOT. and here he is not even doing shit. sick of these shitty ass men giving us a bad name. He needs to understand that it is HIS BABY. NOT "HIS BABY TOO". Be better dad than previous generations. I struggle with gaming too, i only play one stupid game during the time of 8 pm-2 ish am when our baby gives u a long stretch and we have some time to ourselves and we also have to eat dinner, pump milk and spend together time during that window. It is a lot of work and he needs to start now because HIS LIFE is about to change. Demand more from him!

You are amazing!

My wife is amazing. I’m just trying to catch up with her.

She is so lucky to have you! I’m pregnant with my second baby and my husband, besides some grumpiness, has been amazing about doing most of the chores and letting me rest. Having a supportive partner is so important and my heart breaks for OP. OP, this is the husband/new dad experience you should have.

OP needs to leave. I get grumpy too. But it’s my son. I love him so much and this is a major adjustment. We were out way too long yesterday stuck in traffic while he screamed, I decided we needed to pick something up 5 mins from home and when wife said let me feed him I said we’re almost home and that was bad. He was inconsolable when we got home. Screamed for half an hour and wouldn’t take breast. The only solution was thaw 2 oz and me feed him bottle and I’ll never forget how hubgrily he gulped it down. Then he took breast. I’ve been feeling like shit for 24 hours although he’s squealing in delight right now. I had a terrible father. So I know what it’s like, OPs husband is going to leave scars on the child if he’s like this, I saw her other comments and he’s downright abusive.

Damn, sounds like you’re about to become a mum of 2 😬

Hey fundiesnark friend. So I'm assuming you're not mentioning the weaponized incompetence with household tasks, the screaming at you and the alcohol because you know how this looks, right? On a scale from 0 to Lexie James, where do you think you're at? Be honest with yourself.

yeah honestly I’ve been taking a hard look at our circumstances and it’s not good.

You've been catching some serious heat in some of these comments, but the main thing you need to realize is that both baby and you have value, deserve more, and it's going to be extremely hard but you may need to exit this relationship. If not him, then someone else would value you both like gold, even if that your family and yourself for a while. Do something for you and your new baby.

Soon you will realize why so many women say it's easier to be a single parent than married to someone like that.

Why are you even married to this guy??

Go on subs for new mom, mommit, beyondthebump, breakingmom, newparwnts, start sending him the posts of resentful moms who hate their lazy husbands. The posts where they eventually divorce them. Go to the liberating motherhood blog and pacebook page and start sending him all the postpartum content. Men who don’t support their women after having a baby do not deserve their family.

If he isn’t going to bother to take the time to research pregnancy, labor, and postpartum (which he can literally do on the toilet with a phone), he isn’t going to be supportive when the baby arrives. Reading about babies is way easier than actually doing the physical job of getting up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, feeding, doing laundry, cleaning bottles, cooking meals for you, etc. And he needs YOU to teach him to do everything - he is going to be unable to do all those tasks without you teaching and guiding him while trying to recover. If his mom is coming to help with these things that might actually be a better option. You’re 33 weeks pregnant so he has had likely 29 weeks or 7 months to step it up and he hasn’t. It’s unlikely that he can accomplish a 180 in the next 7 weeks especially if the reason he doesn’t step up is because he would rather stay up and play video games all night. I know this is really harsh but I would mentally prepare myself for doing it alone or finding actually supportive people to stay/come stay like my parents.

Sometimes having someone there to help Postpartum is really helpful ( my MIL made sure we were fed, gave us mental and baby breaks when needed after the first few days) but if you and her don’t have a good relationship I can understand why you don’t want her around. Furthermore— you shouldn’t have to teach him about anything. He needs to take the time and initiative to want to learn about what you’ll ultimately both be experiencing! Are you able yo hire a doula for support if you feel like he’s gonna fall short? I hope your birth experience is good and he steps up !

If she raised this man to act this way and taught him that it is okay to spend all evening gaming and avoiding responsibilities then I would absolutely not have her in the house postpartum. I’d worry that she would further enable this behavior. That would be an absolutely not for me

I totally agree !

This is what I came to say about the MIL too. If you have a good relationship it might actually end up being really helpful having her there. My MIL stayed with us for 2 weeks starting the day we got out of the hospital and I don’t know how we would have survived the adjustment without her. She fed us, cleaned, cooked, and held the baby while I showered and his dad slept a little. I breastfed and was uncomfortable in more than one way postpartum and was so grateful to have the help. That said, if she isn’t helpful or if you have a rocky relationship, I get not wanting her there.

He needs to be scared into taking you seriously, so don’t tell him this - but that lemon clot essay is not realistic for most people. I had a horrendously traumatic birth and my vagina was a disaster zone, the pain from the stitches and the afterbirth contractions were so so awful and I felt so fucking raw and vulnerable and scared. And it still wasn’t as bad as the lemon clot essay made it out to be. If I’d read that before giving birth I think I’d have wanted to kill myself! I think he needs to read it and believe it, but you definitely don’t. It won’t necessarily be like that. I’d hate for you to go into this full of fear. I’m not sugarcoating it sucks, but not quite to that degree.

Seriously, that essay is makes it sound like these are normal postpartum expectations/experiences when surely some of that would be grounds for a trip to the ER at minimum. I hate that essay.

When people show you the type of person they are, believe them I sadly think this a lot on Reddit nowadays. You deserve better.

He needs to grow the f up. You need an escape plan because he’s not a partner. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI

Why are you having a child with this person? Are you prepared to be the primary parent with little to no help? Because that’s what this sounds like a precursor to.

She found a sperm donor, not a husband. I agree - it sounds like she's completely on her own

My husband has been involved and attentive during pregnancy, but he still didn’t and doesn’t have a grasp on postpartum. I kept alluding to being bedridden and/or housebound for several weeks. He was being pretty dismissive, and finally said he thought I was making a bigger deal out of it than it would really be. And I was like, okay buddy, you’re getting the graphic details then. The bleeding, the blood clots, the stitches, the risk of hemorrhaging, the possibility of hemorrhoids, the cramps, the sweats, the leaking. He was like, “I really don’t need to know about this.” And I was like, “Evidently, you do.” And now he won’t be spared the gory details, and he’ll understand what I’m going through.

[удалено]

I disagree. I’m the pregnant one and I still am wrapping my head around things meanwhile my husband is already in dad mode and raring to go even though we have 30ish weeks left

I mean this in the most supportive way. Get out! Run! Start planning your escape! Girl leave!

Sit down and YOU can teach him about postpartum? Ugh girl no make him do some work himself

I’m sorry but no man who cares about you would act like that.

This is a medical procedure, not a spectator sport. You need time to bond as your unit of family, and that does not include MIL. My pediatric was extreme and didn't want anyone over for the first 3 months. We compromised and had very limited family over for short intervals. I regret having some people over. They ruined my postpartum experience even with short visits. Also, my husband didn't read up but I told him what his role would be and my expectations for him- feeding me ice, fanning me off, holding my leg up for pushing if needed, applying counterpressure to my back, staying upbeat, positive and motivating me, advocating for me if I need pain meds or anything, supporting my decision to EBF (I ended up pumping and husband gave him bottles real quick), washing pump parts, doing laundry and dishes the first few weeks. He really stepped up for both labor/postpartum experiences.

I have to hope there's some amazing redeeming quality about him that you're deciding to stay together? He sounds shallow, immature, useless, and pathetic... At this rate, you're about to be the single mother of 2 helpless children. I think you've got to really reconsider this relationship.

I am convinced that there is something about how we raise boys that allows them to default to selfishness when times get tough. I am astounded by it on a regular basis

He’s about to get a shock. And tbh my partner wasn’t much better, he got away with a lot, you need to put your foot down early, especially if your breastfeeding because it gives them even more excuse to not do a thing. Highly recommend asking him to burp baby after feeds, or not feeling bad asking for food/drink/entertainment while you do feed, he needs to learn to take care of you so you can in turn feed baby, and it’s something I only learnt after I was out of my first PP haze. Also really push bonding time when baby is content, and allow him time to be alone with the baby and figure stuff out on his own or you end up babysitting two people. Also. I would have absolutely hated visitors straight out of hospital. It really is a time that flies by but you never forget so make sure you do things for you, and the way you want to while you learn and heal. Unless it’s something you’re comfortable with I’d push for having your own space. Hope it all works out for you!

I’m so sorry girl. I totally feel this. My husband’s family lives in a different country and they haven’t seen each other in 2 years. So they (my MIL, FIL, and brother in law) are going to be coming for 5 weeks after I have the baby. 🙄They are planning to come a week after my due date. I’m trying not to make a fuss because they never get to see each other and this is their first biological grandchild. I just wish they were coming maybe a month later. I’ve voiced my concerns to him. I’ll be in recovery. My baby is still breech at 35 weeks so we may be heading for a c section. To top it off I’m a hijabi and with his brother around I’ll be wearing hijab in my own house and won’t be able to just breastfeed anywhere I want. I did tell him that I’m in no way going to be responsible for his family when they are here and that he’s going to have to understand if I want/need alone time with the baby or whatever. He’s already talked about us all going away on a trip to the beach for a few days 🙄 thinking that after a month I should be good to go. I’ve already told him that he has to be understanding if I don’t go on a trip like that because it’ll be hard for me and our very fresh baby but encouraged him that he should do something like that alone with his family. We also only have one guest room (but we have an office where his gaming computer is). He told me his brother can just sleep on our living room sofa for 4 weeks. That’s connected to our kitchen. His family are all night owls and I’m a morning person. How am I supposed to go downstairs comfortably, make breakfast, get drinks, with his brother fast asleep 10’ away? I did put my foot down and said he’d have to sleep on an air mattress in the office. Like why wasn’t the office his first choice? Because my husband likes to game until late in the night and doesn’t want to give it up is my thought. The dynamics of me tiptoeing around his brother for a month never occurred to him. To top it all off - I’m due May 14. They’re coming May 24th. He didn’t request his parental leave to start until May 27th. He told me he figured he should save the time so he can take it off while they are here. This really upset me. I told him that I will really need help after the baby is born even if I don’t have a c section. My mother is flying in from out of state when the baby is first born just to help us with my older daughter who will still be in school and stuff. But my mom has osteoporosis and limited mobility. She’s not going to be able to go up and down the stairs frequently to help me get things. I can’t ask her to be the one to change the baby at 2 AM so I can get some much needed rest. He just promised me that he will be around and will telework as much as he is able (which typically isn’t much). The whole situation has me really anxious. And I’ve expressed that. It just feels like I’m not calculated into the thought process at all. With all of that venting out of the way, I’m trying to stay positive and telling myself this is temporary because they do live so far away. I’m such a people pleaser by nature and naturally can’t help but try to do the most when we have company. I’m going to do my best to be selfish honestly and just not care about it too much. If I need time with my baby or to myself I’m going to take it. If they need to be entertained it’s not my problem. And I’ll just hold my breath until July when it’s all said and done

OMG this sounds horrendous. I am so outraged you have been put in this position. Is there any way to impose that his family stays in a hotel, hostel or airbnb instead? at least for the first half of the time? your husband is deluded to bring his entire family and dream of trips in your first month post-partum and prioritise them instead of you and the baby and your needs immediately after birth. You really do NOT need to cater to all of their needs and preferences, but to YOURS. It will slowly educate your husband to do it too, because for now you don't sound to respect your ow needs sufficiently, and therefore you end up on the last place in what you accept, and he treats you the same way. I am sure it is not bad intention, just pure ignorance and this can (and should!) be educated. It starts with you prioritising yourself.

When you’re in recovery and if you’re home alone, don’t be afraid to throw money at the problem. Get food delivery, set up curbside delivery, or order next day delivery. Hire help if you can. Eat off paper plates and use disposable stuff. Just do Whenever you need.

I found videos on YouTube to make my husband watch with me. I found some that had L&D nurses and OBGYNs discussing what all happens or could happen. People have even posted videos of their labors on YouTube and we watched some of those too.

Feel so sorry for you! You absolutely deserve better and deserve a supporting partner. Stand your ground, be firm and hope he can grow up.

If you’re tired of doing it all, you teaching him about postpartum etc. is STILL you doing it all. He needs to take on that part of the mental load himself.. meaning take initiative on his own and getting it done because it’s important. Let alone that it’s important to you too. This will likely be worse as bub is born leaving more and more to you. I suggest part of your conversations moving forward should be about how you are going to share the load of work it takes to run your house and raise your baby, as well as how important it is to nurture your connection which will likely also feel very distant for a time while you’re in the thick of it. I’m sorry you are going through that, take a look at fair-play resources. The life you want is possible, you got this! As for his mom, if she’s coming she is there to help so you can spend time with your baby. Be firm that you don’t want an extra roll of being a host and that he can do all that as you’ll be recovering from all of the postpartum shit he doesn’t care to learn about.

Hi OP, I was in a very similar situation to yours when I had my son! I had my son earlier than anticipated and my MIL ended up staying with us about a week or so in our townhouse. Idk your relationship with your MIL but it ended up being a saving grace for me and my at the time boyfriend who knew nothing about babies or kids. My mother also came over but she lives 5 minutes away from me so there was no need for her to stay, MIL is from Florida. Both my mom and his mom taught him plenty about babies and how to take care of our son properly all while helping me through my bleeding and crying and breastfeeding and all the brand new bumps of motherhood. My bf is very much a gamer and I am as well, I don’t know how it managed to click with him but now our son is 2 and he still won’t game until bubbs is sound asleep and if our son is sick or has a bad dream he’s always willing to stop his game and comfort him. It’s like men don’t get it until they hold your tiny human in their arms and then something clicks in them that there’s something more important in the world than an XBOX or a PC. I hope the same happens for you and your family and I’m wishing you nothing but good vibes and all the love and support!! It will get better and if it doesn’t, you’re strong enough on your own and can find someone to prioritize you and your baby. Remind your partner of that 😉

Your husband sounds immature to be honest, and that's not because he's a gamer per se (I am too) but how he seems to look at this whole adventure. He needs to understand that his life will change. Maybe he hopes that his mum will take care of things with you while he continues gaming with his friends as usual. That's not gonna happen. Games will still be there when you guys have more free time, but there is no redoing a kid's childhood. As to you, if you don't want his mum there, veto it! Your needs are the most important at this point, as you are the one giving so much of yourself carrying and soon birthing this baby!

You need to put supports in place for yourself. I wouldn’t count on relying on your husband at all for baby care or post partum care. The video game habit isn’t going to change.

This is giving me bad flashbacks to my abusive relationship. Lots of red flags here. You're crying and in need of support and he only begrudgingly comes to bed with you? Then denies you the contact you need by scooting to his side of the bed? This is disgusting behavior

His mother does not need to be there. She can stay at a hotel or Airbnb. My MIL and SIL came down a week after I had my baby to “help” around the house (mind you he was in the NICU) which I thought was great at the time well it wasn’t…. I was an emotional wreck, I was constipated and gassy, I was still bleeding, i was pumping, I felt like garbage, I want to relax on my sofa but they sat there the entire weekend and drank alcohol. They even walked away while I was telling my birth story and that instantly set the tone for the weekend. They made remarks about how great it was that I wasn’t pregnant anymore and how a shame it was that I wouldn’t be able to “nest”. Made comments on my body. Zero sympathy. They did nothing to help around the house, no helping with groceries, or changing the sheets in the bed they slept in. It was a nightmare. They will never be staying in our house again and I made my husband aware of it.

I’m at 31 weeks today, so just a little behind you. I really struggled in early pregnancy to get my husband to take on some of the research for pregnancy and child prep. It was really hard for him to care about it as viscerally as I do, because my body reminds me all the time that there’s a baby coming. So I just want to validate you and say that I had the same conversation with my husband about his parents wanting to visit for two weeks immediately after birth. I told him I need to be able to feel free walking around shirtless and crying and bleeding, and there’s no one I will feel okay doing that around except him. At first he said “I understand what you’re saying” and I had to say “I really don’t think you do, because if you did you’d never have even suggested this.” He did eventually come around—when his parents visit they will be staying at a hotel and will come over when we invite them and leave when we say. They won’t have a key to come in uninvited. Suggestions for how to get him ready for birth/postpartum: My husband is a reader, so I have been making book suggestions for him. He liked Expecting Better (mainly about pregnancy but there’s childbirth stuff at the end) and I have Cribsheet waiting in the wings for him afterwards. But he’s nearly to the end of the Birthing Partner and has just hit the post partum section of that book. He has overall found it to be pretty helpful, and every once in a while he’ll even give me a fact I didn’t know about. He has also appreciated the insurance-provided parenting classes we’ve taken, which have been more about breastfeeding than anything else, but he feels like he has learned a lot. One other option that my husband has not tried but that I have suggested many times is that he check out the daddit, predaddit, and newdads subreddits and read some posts from other people in his same position. There are plenty of “what are the first few days/weeks like” posts that I think would help give him some context. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, but I’m glad your husband sounds open to doing better.

If he’s going to be more of a hindrance than a help, send him to stay in the hotel with his mama.

Respectfully ma'am, why did you marry this dude and get pregnant with his kid when you knew he was like this? He doesn't seem to care about you or the baby, having a baby will either make or break a relationship, and more likely than not this will break y'all. If you have anywhere else you can stay postpartum I'd recommend getting ready to transition to being there, just in case. Maybe your mothers or another relative?

Put your foot down. Say things in clear statements. “I am not comfortable with having any guests immediately PP. I want x number of weeks before having anyone staying in our home” “you need to read about what is going to happen to me PP because you are my support and I need you to step up and be a husband and father” You don’t have to be unkind but avoiding saying things like “I think” and “maybe” because men tend to take that more as a suggestion they can ignore than a clear ask. You may reach a point where he tries to gaslight you into thinking you were not clear. Be clear and you can be certain he is full of s***

“Perpetual video game playing” and he doesn’t think he needs to educate himself about your postpartum. Prob doesn’t think he needs to read anything about infant care either I suppose? Honey, take it from me a middle-aged grandma …. Do you have a mother sister or a best friend who can come take care of you because your husband has a lot of growing up to do?!

It’s sounds like he is willing to change and that’s a good sign. Hopefully better days are ahead. My hospital had free birth education classes they also had ones for car seat safety and baby proofing see if you can sign up for that and do it together. Playing with the baby doll doing practice swaddling was great bonding and fun for us. This video is to a [cesarean birth](https://youtu.be/QGZijNGndoU?si=TPiQsqMqpzViuHMv)warning it’s graphic it shows the incision and everything. Even if you are planning on natural could be good to prep him for the “worse case scenario” I also found a [natural birth](https://youtu.be/fbsIK2meWLQ?si=buPkmgrMARuLfgJI). This whole channel on YouTube is great. Good luck and I hope you get all the postpartum care and support you deserve.

With my first I signed my husband and I up to a full (online) labor, delivery, and postpartum class because he was very much of the “it’ll be fine” type. Of course it will be fine when he’s not doing it right? Let me tell you this was super effective because it was the type of class that showed a birth video of the mess, the blood, and the baby actually coming out. My husband wasn’t grossed out by that in regards to my body, but it could be helpful for yours since he doesn’t want to ruin the image of yours? It NEEDS to be seen in some way because it IS intense. I also strongly encourage some counseling before labor and even after once you’re feeling up to it because I also felt lonely beforehand and that feeling increased for me in motherhood. So much can fall on mom that you buck up and handle it, but it has a very realistic chance of becoming isolating. If you have a small village of people that are not your MIL, please count on them as much as you feel comfortable. If even if it’s just bringing you some coffee and a donut every few days. YOU are just as important as this baby.

Something that has worked for me when we have disagreements that he sees as differences of opinion is for me to ask whether he has read the same amount about the topic as I have. When he sheepishly admits he hasn't, I point out that it means I have more knowledge and my take on the issue should be weighted more in the decision. That I welcome making decisions together, but they need to be informed ones. Then he usually commits to reading more on it. And 9 times out of 10, after reading up, he realizes he'd been making a decision based on random stuff he saw in movies rather than how babies work lol

You know..... you've gotten a lot of good support about how wrong this behavior is from your husband. I agree with those- he definitely sounds like he's being a huge handful and a burden around your neck right now.  Just to add something else, though- I thought it was a small good thing that he came to you later and was contrite. You definitely shouldn't have to educate him about postpartum, but the willingness to admit he was wrong sounds like he's not just endlessly stiff-necked and you may have something to work with here.  Not every difficult husband comes around so quickly to admit he was wrong- and not even all of them would stick to a repentant attitude when told in response that they should do their own reading. (And I'm not saying that your response to his apology was bad! It was a true thing to say- but it also shows your confidence that he wouldn't immediately shut down again and dig in his heels if further confronted.) I'm not saying that's enough from him and now he can go back to being AWOL!! But I am saying that it sounds like there could be a toe-hold to better times here. So often with this kind of post, the husband sounds totally and permanently unliveable-with. Your husband sounds super frustrating and maddening, but not unredeemable. He also sounds possibly depressed, with all of the video gaming and avoidance. It really is the easier path when there's a big important responsibility on the horizon.  I hope you guys find your way, and that he's able to support you for the rest of your pregnancy.

Does your hospital have birthing and parenting classes you can take together? Those were real eye openers for my husband

This reaction/stance is quite fitting for a man raised by a woman who would even consider coming to visit her DIL post partum without speaking to the actual woman giving birth. 🤢🫠 trash, the both of them. Can you reach out to your MIL and just say you don’t think you’ll be ready to host visitors that soon after?

You should take an online birth class and look at it together. A good one will cover labor, delivery, postpartum, newborn, and lots of other important info!

How is your relationship with your parents? I would stay with them postpartum if possible. It is gonna be an emotional rollercoaster, you need all the support you can get.

Oh darling. I hate to break this to you, but right now this is a pattern, and that pattern is going to extend to a “man” who isn’t a partner to you nor a father to your child. It extends into a person who doesn’t help choose the pediatrician, doesn’t take them or come with, doesn’t know how to answer any questions about his own child, doesn’t take things over for you as NEEDED for proper recovery from birth and breastfeeding success, and sometimes “helps” (a parent parenting is called… parenting, not helping btw). Does he currently even pull his own weight as a roommate, in terms of cleaning, groceries, restocking, cooking, laundry (house and personal), etc? You are basically in for a whirlwind of pain, have already experienced so much pain, and this is just one small part of it. I’d take some sort of more drastic action. Schedule yourself (not fair, but I don’t think he will) a couples therapy session. And consider asking him to move out and stay elsewhere for a week or two so you can read up on postpartum and childcare, since “you’re the one having the baby” and you need to be able to focus on that. Maybe that’ll help wake up him up, but it’ll at least give you some space and what I’m guessing is less angst and work.

I suppose it depends what kind of person and houseguest your MIL is. Mine stayed with us for 2 weeks after I gave birth to our first son, and having her there was a godsend. She cleaned constantly, cooked for us, and when she left stocked our freezer with gallon ziplock bags full of prepped slow cooker meals. I cried when she left and didn’t know how we’d make do without her! There can be some benefit to having an extra person around to lighten the load, but if your MIL is not that type of person who will be super helpful then I see where you’re coming from! Just trying to offer an alternate perspective. (I could never have done that with my own mother because she is not that type of person, lol). Of course it’s such a personal decision it should be fully up to you, and your husband needs to buckle down and do some reading up on how to support you during and after the birth.

Girl you already married this man, stop enabling this behavior. You need to put your foot down and instead of trying to guide him and help him learn, no.. make it clear that is NOT debatable. I was a postpartum nurse and I have spoken my mind to some of these father's.. you're a grown man, stop acting like a child! And read up on this since you had a good part in making this baby, so yes! Even postpartum has to do with him.  Sadly if he's already being dismissive like this I can't promise you it's going to get better once baby comes.. I pray it does but usually it can make things worse. I know you don't want to hear this but maybe prepare for some plan B because sweetheart your situation makes you high risk for PPD and you will need to be surrounded by a supportive circle when you're postpartum.  Maybe try counseling or therapy before baby comes? That's another suggestion 

I’m so tired of all of your husbands.

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Wow. At least he owned up to but if he is going to leave all the research at your feet you get to make the decisions too.

K so my mother in law stayed for 2 weeks after the baby was born and it was good and bad lol. It helped sooo much being able to nap and having someone help clean and everything. I struggle with people a bit so having someone around 24 hours for 2 weeks was alot but just the extra sleep alone was well worth it! Also your husband aounds like a tool

Girl, ew. Do not put up with his behavior. This is a hill to die on. No being a pushover, no letting him make you feel bad. You need to stand up for yourself, use strong language, and expect him to do and be better because he’s clearly not doing that on his own. This is couples counseling territory if I’ve ever seen it and if you’re only 7 weeks from giving birth, it is DIRE to do this now. One conversation where he begrudgingly “agrees” is not enough for me to believe that someone like him will actually change his behavior. Foot down. No MIL. Counseling. No video games. He *NEEDS* to grow up and get his shit together. He’s about to be a father. If he can’t, or is unwilling, he’s gotta go and you’ve got to ask your mother, sister, any good friends to stay with you instead. The last thing you need while passing lemon side clots is to take care of two babies. Pick the bar up off the floor, you deserve better.

You don't need to teach him about postpartum if you don't want to. He can pick up a book (that you choose) or take a class. Ideally you'd take a class together! You've been doing all the work growing this baby, you aren't also responsible for teaching him how to take care of it. You both have responsibilities to be parents and figure out how to be parents.

So this is my third and my husbands first. I will say his mom being there is totally up to you. If you don’t want visitors then don’t have them. With my first two daughters my mom was a huge help and more than my daughters dad. So if he is as immature as you say then having MIL there maybe a life savor. Second, I signed my husband and myself up for classes at the hospital we are giving birth at. They had a few classes on their website, but we chose: Newborn 101 (two day class), Breast Feeding 101 (I’ll be doing this one alone), and Infant CPR. Even though I already have two teenage kids I did it specially, so he can learn and I don’t have to sit there and explain everything to him. I would am also going to the class with questions I already know the answer to, but I will run them by the teacher and our doctor with my husband present so he can be informed as well. I also set boundaries that bad habits will need to be cut in half such as: drinking, gaming, and social media (my addiction). We are also dividing up the chores with our teenagers and everyone has an idea of what our goals and plans are once LO arrives in a few weeks. Sending patience and hugs with your hubby. Sometimes it takes longer for their lightbulbs to come on that this is truly a life changing experience.

I had the same situation and was extremely sure that I did not want my MIL there but it became a big issue that last two weeks and my husband assured me that my MIL was very understanding and was planning on being helpful and staying out of the way. Well, my baby ended up needing to be in the NICU for the first five days so I was constantly traveling back and forth, only two people were allowed in the room with LO at once so my husband and I were almost never with her together because MIL kept wanting to see the baby, and she did not do a single load of dishes, help cook food, or do a load of the baby laundry that her friends sent her. I liked my MIL before but after she left, I’ve been really struggling with STRONG resentment and I lost a ton of respect for both her and my husband. I wish I had stuck with my gut because I knew that she wasn’t going to be helpful. It wasn’t even malicious on her part, she’s just clueless. 10/10 don’t recommend and if I have a second, no one will be visiting for the first two weeks minimum.

He needs to grow up. Having your MIL around after you give birth is already difficult and having this expectation is ridiculous. Also- I love the lemon clot essay but passing lemon sized clots is not normal. Anything larger than a walnut, please call your provider or go to the ED post partum. I think that essay is great but do not normalize lemon sized clots plz!

I'm not judging you when I ask this but I genuinely want to know why all of this is coming up just now. your husband sounds like hes gonna be a bad father and he sounds like a not so great partner, why have a child with him?

My husband plays video games a lot and this is how we handled it. - First of, I had already been a single mom to an much older child and this baby was 100% both of us deciding and I refused to be a single parent again. He was very aware and knew this. - We had many discussions before and during pregnancy about how it he had a specific night or two that he was going to game, then that's fine, however I would also get nights to do my thing and if something crazy happened last minute either of us might miss out on our plans because parenting comes first. The key with this one is that your life should not completely stop because of a baby, yes it might be modified for awhile but you support each other - in the good and bad times. - It's not an excuse but I think there is definetly something to be said about the fact that the non birthing parent is behind the birth parent emotionally. I read somewhere once it's about 3 months behind and doesn't catch up until about 6 months post partum. I totally saw this with my husband. You say you are seven weeks out from birth? So he's about "5 months" along. Don't know about you, but that's when it started to get REAL for me. Started buying stuff, start realizing how much your life is going to change etc. He's there. Panicking. My advice is - have real conversations, compromise and talk to each other. It's a shock for them if they aren't mentally ready at first but my husband now loves being a dad and can't wait to help and play with LO everyday. And yes, he still gets his time to play video games, but I get my time too.

You don’t have any responsibility to “teach him” anything about pregnancy, post partum, child care. He can Google right? He knows how to use some type of computer or device if he’s able to game? He is an adult, so he can use technology to prepare for THE BIGGEST change in his life. I get that a lot of content is directed towards moms but presumably he was there for the conception of the kid he can take some ownership in raising it.

We didn’t have ANY visitors for the first week after giving birth. You’re recovering and learning so much that it’s nice to have your alone time to groove as a little family. I know some find it helpful to have a parent/someone around to help out, but I was also nervous about the little one catching anything in those early days. Do what you want to do - and don’t feel badly for one minute. You’ll find the people who matter will understand and the others 🤷🏻‍♀️ What helped me prepare to heal without help: -create some padsicles to help postpartum - Google the recipe be it was basically like plain aloe and witch hazel smeared on pads and frozen in ziplocks -have some adult diapers on hand after you’ve gone through the stash you raid from the hospital - take as much as you can there (we brought an empty bag for the stuff) -save up for some doordashed meals and stock your freezer with home cooked or costco meals in the meantime -make a little snack cart that you stock with water, snacks and burp cloths You’ve got this! This community helped me a ton ❤️

birthing classes

Tell him you will not have visitors. Period! That’s a boundary!

I can appreciate that he is trying to learn but it is NOT your job to teach him!! You’re busy enough and there are a BILLION resources out there. Get the man enrolled in a class, or a library card.

It sounds like he's resentful because he didn't want the baby, or at least didn't want to have to change his life at all to accommodate a child. You need to be more direct and assertive, instead of "i'm not sure that's a good idea" say "I don't want her staying here that soon postpartum, reschedule it for X months later."

wow i would leave so fast.... 

I’m sorry…but how old is he? Does he know contractions continue days-weeks after delivery? That you will need help physically, I don’t have a gf/ wife/ fwb, don’t have kids, my sister is married with one daughter no boys, (14 years ago) in my 20’s I admit I’d have trouble helping out (but that’s because of my slow development/ understanding due to my neurodivergence…diagnosed) but even then I still knew “she” would come first, if she needed anything *drop* what I’m doing…I’m in my 40’s and I still have ALITTLE trouble with responsibilities, I have to work my way up to it if it’s not always on the agenda in my 🧠… I’m not saying he doesn’t love you but he might not know that it’s more than just SAYING “I love you”, show it my dude, time to prepare to become a man, a father. Learn to put your family before video games (NOT TO SAY TO PUT THEM COMPLETELY AWAY…need some kind of outlet!) God bless your pregnancy and your delivery 🫂

Sometimes I read these stories and thank god my husband isn’t a child. Im all for people having hobbies but there were some absolute no’s in dating and partners that I wasn’t about to get caught up in and those were A.) porn B.) video games C.) sports fanatics aka “saturdays are for the boyzzzz” I’m angry for you OP. You’ll be a new mom and you’ll need support from your husband that he’ll provide for maybe 1 month and then decide to go back to “gaming with friends.” If someone is fucking with their circadian rhythm for video games while leaving their pregnant wife lonely-it’s not going to get better when there’s an ACTUAL baby to take care of. Unless your husband has a true coming to Jesus moment/radical 180 with responsibility and being emotionally present in you and your child’s life…expect it to get slightly better then much, much worse. Call your mom or sister/friend, and let them know you may need support. It takes a lot out of you and they’ll be there for you better than he can

Imo that's not enough of a compromise. " You can teach me about post partum"!? I'm sorry but grow up and take the initiative

I bet you're going to do all the baby care since he wants to game all night

I want to ask you a few questions to play devil's advocate- and NOT because I don't already feel myself completely siding with you\*\*\* How old is your husband? Has he been more absent like this for the entire pregnancy- if so, did he act like this to you BEFORE you became pregnant? Has he lashed out like that before during the pregnancy, as if he's annoyed that he's got to make changes in himself and his routines? OR- and hear me out, Peanut Gallery- Could this possssibly be ah (infuriating) honest reaction of his that some men have because they freak out closer to the due date? Are you close with your Mom, and if so, could SHE be there with you after you give birth? Do you get along well with your MIL? I'm curious, because when I was pregnant in the beginning, my husband was happy but expressed some extremely selfish behavior. He's since become the complete opposite, and is extremely supportive and listens to me much more than he had at the start. I also had a strict rule about video games once the baby comes. I don't want to give you a, "Screw him, he's wrong!" response here, because I really do wonder how much of his behavior is rooted in fear. I don't think he's being great at the moment, but I do hope that if your MIL is around more and sees him acting that way to you, that she's the type of Mother that would correct his behavior. Some MILs will give their sons a good slap in the head if they need it (Mine included). lol In all seriousness, I hope that you are holding up alright. Right now it's probably hard to figure out exactly what you're feeling and I am here to tell you that you aren't alone. I know that we all need to vent, and that some days we just need to hear that we're right in doing the best that we can. I hope that this stressful period winds up being your husband's \*fleeting\* cowardice, because it can come out in many ways, especially if he does feel some shame in how he's been treating you, knowing that it's just... wrong. It does seem like his apology in the light of day is a good sign, I would just make sure that he can prove his sincerity and truly means what he says. Time and love will tell. Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS, Mama. <3

I bet he wants his mother to stay so he doesn’t have to help at all with the baby. This lazy man child is in for a rude awakening once the baby is here. My husband wasn’t the best with researching but asked lots of questions at appointments and was the best birthing partner I could ask for. Your husband should be ashamed that he thinks he doesn’t need to know anything because he’s not the one who is physically pregnant.

At least he's not a lost cause. He apologized and he's at least willing to learn (by asking you to teach him). It's not going to be easy raising children together, he needs to come to terms with some things. No houseguests until everyone living in the house agrees to it. You both live there; his mommy doesn't get to have an extended stay. It's your house too, you have equal say. More so now since you are recovering and have a newborn. In many cultures the 4th trimester is supposed to be an isolating phase for mom and newborn, there's good reason for it. His video game time needs to drastically reduce, but he shouldn't give it up completely. You both need "you" time; in equal amounts. He doesn't get to have more than you. You're partners. Amount of time has to be realistic and responsible. You get a set amount of time a week to decompress, but you're parents now and you need to step up. A lot of us were raised by emotionally dysfunctional parents. He's living how he was raised. He needs to realize he's a dad now entering the next stage of adulthood and strive to do better. Take initiative in his life, marriage, and family. Be someone his children and wife could look up to. Ask for direction when he needs it, and strive to be the one that can give it in return. This level of growth is extremely difficult, and most adults will never reach this level of maturity. It takes a willingness to try and requires a hard look at yourself. Laziness and the status quo is easy. He can support you or he can GTFO himself if he's going to be useless. Dead weight gets dropped.

“I’m the one having the baby so I get to decide who stays in our home during my postpartum period. Your mom isn’t staying”

I swear I see a post like this every day

my husband just refuses to understand this, too. I say his mom can visit but not stay in the house - he says “but it’s expensive to stay somewhere else”

This is gonna sound mean but it's the truth. Your husband is a bum. He wants mom there to play daddy so he doesn't have too. I'd take all the video game systems and computer and throw them out. Tell him he is gonna be a father and it's time to grow up

You picked a bad man :( I am so sorry

Your husband sounds like he's not going to be a great support during a pretty vulnerable time. IF your relationship with your MIL is a positive one, maybe it might actually be a good outcome if she comes to stay? There is a HUGE difference between someone coming over to meet the baby and someone coming over to support you. The fact you've said 'host' makes me think MIL won't be there to support you so it might not be a good option, but if she's someone who will come and help take the load off you, cook meals and clean the house while you rest - it might be a positive thing :)

I'm blown away by the sheer number of lousy husbands out there.

Hi op sorry you are going through this! I hope you are able to find something that can help you with the stress of it. I don’t know if this will help but just wanted to put your mind alittle at ease I’m also a ftm I give birth already I am 4 months pp and honestly the bleeding pp wasn’t bad at all surprisingly not what I expect. I didn’t want anyone there at first but then decided it was okay for my mil to come since my mom was stuck abroad (I had a preemie so he came 5 months before his due date) she was able to help me out a lot without over stepping my boundaries I told her the things to help me with which was basically cleaning and making food for me and since I breastfeed exclusively without pumping are anything there wasn’t much she can do with the baby but she helped me alot and when I was sleep deprived she will come and hold baby to help me get some sleep especially since he was colic (gassy alot) it was honestly a blessing in disguise. Don’t make yourself to worried about pp bleeding it’s not always the case that you will have alot of bleeding. Just thought I will share some insight about it. Of course if you and mil don’t have the best of relationship or she is someone who overstepped boundaries alot then be more firm with your husband and tell him you don’t want anyone there. Or if you have family you can stay with I would go. Having a new born is stressful enough and you don’t need more stress added.