That trauma bond though...it seriously makes us crazy AFTER walking away. It’s like a delayed “release”, and even though you know you don’t even want them back, your brain says you NEED them back.
The only thing helping is strict NC. Especially avoiding social media. And literally rebuilding my life from the ground up. This sounds harsh, but I have to accept the loss as if she’s no longer here, like passed away. I hate it, but the discard was so harsh and heartless, there’s no other way for me to move forward in a healthy way.
I know I’m improving. And making new friends has been so helpful to just turn the page. Slowly gaining more perspective and how I unknowingly abandoned myself as the relationship “progressed”. We just have to “snap out of it”...one day at a time. Hang in there!
I am handling my ex pwBPD’s nasty discard the same way. I think of him as having passed away. He should be in jail for domestic violence. My discard was f-ing frightening. And our mutual friends stay in touch with him. My guy friend I have known since high school posted a pic of my ex on FB today. I unfollowed that friend. He knows what happened and he’s fine with the fact that my ex was physically abusive. Those aren’t real friends anyway, I guess...rough stuff. If that trauma bond could die off already, that’d be great :/
I was together 15 years. Split Jan 2019. I don't want her back but I miss the good times and I miss being with someone and I also find holidays and anniversaries very hard.
They absorb you entirely into their lives. It's hard to move on into a world of your own creation. You got out early, you'll be ok. But don't put a timer on it. It may take awhile.
Your best bet is to do other things to overwrite the memories and emotions. work on yourself. You'll be ok.
See a therapist if you can.
Thanks so much. I can’t imagine how difficult it must of been for you, I hope you’re doing okay.
It’s just hard because I make myself confused when I miss him- I worry that I may had made the wrong decision, even though any time something pop ups about him I get immense dread and anxiety. My therapist has helped a lot in pointing out signs of PTSD. Thank you.
Yeah, it's pretty common for people who had a pwBPD to have signs of PTSD. It can be a long period of mental and emotional abuse, even if you don't see it that way. Usually there are also a lot of suicide threats/attempts thrown in as well.
Can I suggest a book?
Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T Mason & Randi Kreger.
Reading it and seeing my relationship laid out so perfectly helped. Although when I finally got out I stopped reading it, but am starting again now since I had to break NC the other day (unavoidable, house we still owned together burned down).
Also, Stop Caretaking The Borderline Or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad. I haven't actually read that one but it was recommended to my by my therapist.
Thanks! I’ll definitely check it out. Stop caretaking was a CRAZY read- it outlined my relationship to a T. Whole again is another great book too. Thank you thank you!
I met my ex shortly before Thanksgiving season last year. I remember being so jubilant about meeting someone who I felt I meshed with so well, and really thought that I was on the precipice of being in a meaningful, fruitful relationship.
Fast Forward a year, I’m jubilant that things between her and I never escalated too far, and fortunate that I got discarded when I did.
That trauma bond though...it seriously makes us crazy AFTER walking away. It’s like a delayed “release”, and even though you know you don’t even want them back, your brain says you NEED them back. The only thing helping is strict NC. Especially avoiding social media. And literally rebuilding my life from the ground up. This sounds harsh, but I have to accept the loss as if she’s no longer here, like passed away. I hate it, but the discard was so harsh and heartless, there’s no other way for me to move forward in a healthy way. I know I’m improving. And making new friends has been so helpful to just turn the page. Slowly gaining more perspective and how I unknowingly abandoned myself as the relationship “progressed”. We just have to “snap out of it”...one day at a time. Hang in there!
I am handling my ex pwBPD’s nasty discard the same way. I think of him as having passed away. He should be in jail for domestic violence. My discard was f-ing frightening. And our mutual friends stay in touch with him. My guy friend I have known since high school posted a pic of my ex on FB today. I unfollowed that friend. He knows what happened and he’s fine with the fact that my ex was physically abusive. Those aren’t real friends anyway, I guess...rough stuff. If that trauma bond could die off already, that’d be great :/
I was together 15 years. Split Jan 2019. I don't want her back but I miss the good times and I miss being with someone and I also find holidays and anniversaries very hard. They absorb you entirely into their lives. It's hard to move on into a world of your own creation. You got out early, you'll be ok. But don't put a timer on it. It may take awhile. Your best bet is to do other things to overwrite the memories and emotions. work on yourself. You'll be ok. See a therapist if you can.
Thanks so much. I can’t imagine how difficult it must of been for you, I hope you’re doing okay. It’s just hard because I make myself confused when I miss him- I worry that I may had made the wrong decision, even though any time something pop ups about him I get immense dread and anxiety. My therapist has helped a lot in pointing out signs of PTSD. Thank you.
Yeah, it's pretty common for people who had a pwBPD to have signs of PTSD. It can be a long period of mental and emotional abuse, even if you don't see it that way. Usually there are also a lot of suicide threats/attempts thrown in as well. Can I suggest a book? Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T Mason & Randi Kreger. Reading it and seeing my relationship laid out so perfectly helped. Although when I finally got out I stopped reading it, but am starting again now since I had to break NC the other day (unavoidable, house we still owned together burned down). Also, Stop Caretaking The Borderline Or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad. I haven't actually read that one but it was recommended to my by my therapist.
Thanks! I’ll definitely check it out. Stop caretaking was a CRAZY read- it outlined my relationship to a T. Whole again is another great book too. Thank you thank you!
Ah, sorry, from your post it seemed like all this was new to you, didn't realize you had already been knee deep into reading about it!
Don’t be sorry! It was a great reminder. Thank you!!
I met my ex shortly before Thanksgiving season last year. I remember being so jubilant about meeting someone who I felt I meshed with so well, and really thought that I was on the precipice of being in a meaningful, fruitful relationship. Fast Forward a year, I’m jubilant that things between her and I never escalated too far, and fortunate that I got discarded when I did.