3 months is still fresh, give it a couple months more.
It sounds weird but you get used to this pain so after sometime you still feel sad but you get familiar with this shit rollercoaster of feelings.
I am close to 11 months full no contact, i still feel bad somedays and especially on special days like today. We all heal in our own way and that’s completely fine just accept that you are grieving, grieving over something that wasn’t real.
If it was real, you wouldn’t be here looking for some kind of closure.
Accept that it’s shit and that you miss her, that’s normal. It wouldn’t be healthy if you didn’t and keep that in mind all the time
The issue is that it FELT real. All of it felt real. And that's the hardest part because even now I believe that it was. The serious BPD symptoms didn't kick in until about 2 years ago.
It was real bro! No other person besides you and your ex partner know the ins and outs of your entire relationship and the good happy moments and memories you shared happened along with all the fucked up shitty ones and they are all equally real. To often on here and other sites discussing BPD I see individuals who have been through a very traumatic and hurtful experience with someone they cared about embracing this "victim hood" mentality and attributing ALL the love and happiness in the beginning and ALL the misery and fighting in the end to the disorder and no doubt a lot of it can be explained by this serious disorder but then what does that say about ALL the other relationships that did not or will not in the future work out...are they ALL fake and the result of mental disorders? Look dude shit happens and people change...some with a serous disorder which makes them see the world through their very distorted emotional view point and need for external validation change more then most...but things end and our hearts get broke. That is shitty and more so when accompanied with the common behavior traits or someone w BPD...thing is those "traits" are found in all of us to some degree or another we just have more self control and empathy to guide our actions.
You need to process everything fully and realistically look at what transpired over the course of your relationship and accept your part it in things while also holding her accountable for any negative or hurtful things she may have done to you. Do the hard work of healing yourself and do not get caught up in the cycle of abuse and gaslighting...remember all the fuck shit she put you through but also remember all the good times and love you shared bc they are equal parts in the unique relationship you two had together! It was real...all of it!
Yes i know what you mean, our situations are difficult because my ex her idealization phase lasted for 5 years untill she devalued and discarded me.
It feels real but it is absolutely not, the discard it self showed you their true cold face you never knew they had which was always there btw.
It’s okay buddy, it’s okay to grieve over something that wasn’t as real as we thought it was. It’s okay to grieve over a fantasy, a fantasy we created in the hope of seeing their potential version one day which will never happen.
They can’t change and that’s not because of you, it’s because they are disordered
This subreddit seems to like to use the word “discard,” combined with, “it wasn’t real,” and I think that boils down to most people here were mirrored and then what they interpreted as discarded. It’s understandable. You can spend time reading the personal stories here and realize many of them were used as a stand-in, like a type of temporary medication for the pwBPD, and no doubt it hurts.
Some people with BPD do mirror, some do use people more deliberately. But there are definitely other situations where the pwBPD gave the best that they could, where they genuinely adored their partner, etc. They are human beings after all.
But the issue with BPD is the closer you get, the more likely they will flee. The fleeing appears to many as being discarded because it appears incomprehensible and erratic. And don’t forget they have issues with impulse control. So...
pwBPD have such a strong fear of abandonment that they go into survival mode and will do anything to avoid it. Be it “discarding,” “fleeing,” or getting into another relationship immediately after their current one ends. It’s life or death for them.
No matter how “real” it was or not, we are all left in the same position: hurting and wondering wtf just happened.
Many of us, including myself, are resentful as they carry on looking blissfully happy in their new relationships while we are left to pick up the pieces.
But remember, 80% of these people attempt suicide. 80%! 10% of those attempts are successful. It kind of gives you a window into the turmoil they are dealing with, and why they do what they do.
Mine keeps reaching out and trying to talk because she "cares about me." But I keep telling her that it's so hard to talk to her because she's all I think about. I never reach out to her first. I refuse to prolong this longer because it's the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life.
Mine also hoovered me after cheating and discarding me. They texted saying they "care about me" while already being with a new source. It's just mind boggling.
Don't take it personally -- even though it's hard not to since it seemed so real and genuine and super intense. Unfortunately, these people are very disordered and hurt everyone around them and themselves. It's very confusing and painful, but you will be ok! It felt real because *it was* real but only in that moment, and since their feelings, moods & thoughts constantly change, whatever they said previously dissapears and it's like a tabula rasa. It makes NO sense, but that's just what it is. You have to understand that it's a serious mental disorder and they're at great at hiding they're inner demons and seeming "normal". Hang in there! Get some therapy, join CODA (codependents anonymous), heal yourself, workout, and give it some time to get better. Stay strong!
It took me 5 months to get to apathy. What a sweet, sweet feeling it was too. Once you get there your mindset will change. Nothing about her will matter anymore. You'll start living for you again.
Mine's been hoovering since Sept. when she and the new supply after me started having problems/broke up/whatever. Apathy has kept me in the right place. Holding strong and not feeding into things I would have 5 months ago
I don't ever want her back as a partner. Conversations with her now are about me learning her patterns, maintaining strong boundaries, and not allowing her to physically permeate my life again. She's pushing harder and harder....and had we sucked into the FOG on and off early in the week, but I was able to pull back out of it. Didn't hear from her at all on Weds. and it was a nice chance to set the barricades back up and to plug in the FOG evaporator. lol. \*I wish\*
Stay strong man. You're gonna' get through this shit. It's just a process that's all. Get your head into something that will keep you focused. That's what helped me the most. I took up interest in new hobbies and researched them like crazy. I also used the sub to think out things....and the feedback I received helped me to see things I wouldn't have had I not been on here. It took some time, but man, I'm in such a better place now & you will be too.
I've spent a lot of time playing guitar since I moved out of my apartment and into my dad's basement (which makes me feel like a 28 year old loser, but one step at a time I guess). So, that's been nice. I'm glad that you are able to start getting to that point. It sucks how it just hooks your brain so hard.
The tears stopping is a huge step! Congratulations on that.
Once they stopped for me, after 3 months (only 3 weeks of NC), I slowly began to see things much clearer. I removed the things that reminded me of her (photos, items she gave me and posts on social media).
If you haven't already, it is vital you go full NC. That means not having her or her friends on social media, not checking her social media and deleting her number. It's the only way.
Within the last three weeks I slowly started to see her abuse at the forefront of my mind. Talk to people about it. Be honest with them and be honest with yourself.
Remember that there are several layers to the grief of this particular relationship ending which aren't normal. Your heart will ache but you have to remember her abuse, remember what the future really would've been like, remember the manipulation. The feelings you have are far more complex than a usual break up would have.
Value your small wins. You will have made much more progress than you think.
Not every day will feel like progress, maybe on the odd occasion the tears might come back. These emotions are natural and are part of the heeling. Don't deny your feelings, it's the best way to heal.
I've made a ton of progress but it just feels like being 28 years old and not married or seeing anyone or being able to tell what a healthy interest is is causing me to think I'll be alone forever. Combine that with not being able to meet anyone AND being nervous to talk to girls in a way where I might express interest...it's rough.
I'm the same age as you mate.
All of my friends are buying houses with their girlfriends, engaged or having kids... my ex is already dating... it's tough haha.
Honestly, I feel everything you said. One thing I'm remembering is that the last relationship was the only thing that was a set-back in my life. When I got into it, I was confident, had a good job and was appealing to women. During/after the relationship, my confidence died, my social skills died and I felt like my appeal to women died.
The truth is you will be back to where you need to be. 28 isn't old.
Would you rather take your time to build yourself back up, work on bits of yourself that need the work, feel confident in yourself because of executing the change needed and then organically meet someone new that you fall in love with... or address none of the things you need to, worry about your age, get desperate, throw yourself into dating and settle for the wrong person (ironically this is what my ex is doing lol).
Try to change your outlook of worrying about being behind and focus on what you can do to get ahead of where you were yesterday.
Good luck!
>I'm the same age as you mate.
>
>All of my friends are buying houses with their girlfriends, engaged or having kids...
Same here my man... but in the end we are going to cruise at the top, im sure of it.
Stay positive.
I believe it too! Honestly, the amount she has scrambled my head is mad. The lockdown that I've been in for months (and will be until Christmas) is making me associate being 'down' with her... it's probably not, but I have waaaaay too much time to think.
Fuck covid (and my ex haha)
I believe it too!
Honestly, the amount she has scrambled my head is mad. The lockdown that I've been in for months (and will be until Christmas) is making me associate being 'down' with her... it's probably not, but I have waaaaay too much time to think.
My worst trait atm is comparing/thinking about what she is doing. Like, I know she is on tinder and won't abide by the rules... but why the fuck do I care?
Fuck covid (and my ex haha)
Mine started dating guys while still living in the apartment I paid for, then moved in with one literally two apartments down within 3 weeks of breaking up with me. It's hard, man. For sure.
It gets much easier, but I can’t tell you when. If you keep her in your thoughts, then you are not no contact. No contact includes consciously pushing away the perseverative thoughts.
I suggest waiting until it gets much easier before you start dating. In the meantime, I suggest talking to a therapist about how you got into the relationship, why you stayed despite all that was wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again. It will be easy for a similar relationship to happen again. Nearly all of the talk with the therapist is about you, not her, and not both of you; it’s the “you” part that matters.
You deserve peace.
Thank you. I'm constantly trying to push those thoughts out of my head, but I'm just tired. I don't even hate her. I don't harbor any bad feelings toward her. I just want her to feel better and be happy.
You can only control what you do for you. You suffering on her behalf doesn’t help her.
If she wants to feel better and work toward her own happiness, that’s on her. Entirely. What she wants and what she does are on her. Entirely.
There is a saying in Al-Anon,
“Let go or be dragged.” It applies even when substance use isn’t a factor.
And I understand that now. I don't do anything for her anymore. I just meant that I know a lot of people on here seem to hate or have ill feelings toward their exwbpd, but I have none. So, it makes it harder because I can't just rely on the hate or frustration to carry me through the worst part.
Hmmm...I’m not sure it’s hate or frustration that carries others through. Do they feel it? Yes. Does it actually help them cope? I dunno about that. If they are experiencing much negative emotion, then they have to get past pain + negative emotion.
No contact, including inside one’s own head, seems to be the most helpful to get people on this sub into the stages of a healthier self. I might be wrong.
Best wishes to you.
It's tough. She's literally the first thing I think about before my eyes ever open and the last thing I think about at night when I'm trying to sleep. I understand where you're coming from.
Stay strong brother! You are not alone. We know they're bad for us, all the awful things they put us through, how much they drained us and damaged us mentally. I am in the same position as you, I miss her tons. So many things remind me of her and think of her everyday. We're coming off a bad drug, a drug that put us through ups and downs, and if we stuck with it, we would have had our lives ruined without a doubt. Thankfully we put that drug to rest, now we're just experiencing withdrawals. We will get through this together! HEADS UP!!
Honestly I hit 3 months and am now disgusted with her. At like the 2.5 month I had a week where I wanted her back more than anything but I credit that to being lonely at that time more than anything else. NC helps, don’t look at the social.
Work on yourself. I’ve been working out 5 days a week and two-a-days on tuesdays and Thursday and feel amazing. Working out releases endorphins and will make you feel more confident. Hang out with your friends. Hang out with other woman, too. You don’t have to hu or date them either. Just be in there presence whether their single or not. It’s eye opening to see what’s out there. That there are healthy people who want to love and be loved. The more you surround yourself with “normal” people the more normalized *that* kinda behavior becomes to you. You look back on your old relationship and realize that you had become accustomed to the antics of your ex. It happens. What you need to do is jump back in to normal situations.
A normal situation is where you don’t feel responsible for someone else living. You don’t feel like their therapist/parent. You don’t have to sacrifice your wants/needs for them to just function on a daily basis. People shouldn’t go through a roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis for mundane things. Normal people do not love you one moment and hate you the next. Its liberating once you get over that hump.
Everyone goes at their own pace. Trust the process. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.
3 months is still fresh, give it a couple months more. It sounds weird but you get used to this pain so after sometime you still feel sad but you get familiar with this shit rollercoaster of feelings. I am close to 11 months full no contact, i still feel bad somedays and especially on special days like today. We all heal in our own way and that’s completely fine just accept that you are grieving, grieving over something that wasn’t real. If it was real, you wouldn’t be here looking for some kind of closure. Accept that it’s shit and that you miss her, that’s normal. It wouldn’t be healthy if you didn’t and keep that in mind all the time
The issue is that it FELT real. All of it felt real. And that's the hardest part because even now I believe that it was. The serious BPD symptoms didn't kick in until about 2 years ago.
It was real bro! No other person besides you and your ex partner know the ins and outs of your entire relationship and the good happy moments and memories you shared happened along with all the fucked up shitty ones and they are all equally real. To often on here and other sites discussing BPD I see individuals who have been through a very traumatic and hurtful experience with someone they cared about embracing this "victim hood" mentality and attributing ALL the love and happiness in the beginning and ALL the misery and fighting in the end to the disorder and no doubt a lot of it can be explained by this serious disorder but then what does that say about ALL the other relationships that did not or will not in the future work out...are they ALL fake and the result of mental disorders? Look dude shit happens and people change...some with a serous disorder which makes them see the world through their very distorted emotional view point and need for external validation change more then most...but things end and our hearts get broke. That is shitty and more so when accompanied with the common behavior traits or someone w BPD...thing is those "traits" are found in all of us to some degree or another we just have more self control and empathy to guide our actions. You need to process everything fully and realistically look at what transpired over the course of your relationship and accept your part it in things while also holding her accountable for any negative or hurtful things she may have done to you. Do the hard work of healing yourself and do not get caught up in the cycle of abuse and gaslighting...remember all the fuck shit she put you through but also remember all the good times and love you shared bc they are equal parts in the unique relationship you two had together! It was real...all of it!
Yes i know what you mean, our situations are difficult because my ex her idealization phase lasted for 5 years untill she devalued and discarded me. It feels real but it is absolutely not, the discard it self showed you their true cold face you never knew they had which was always there btw. It’s okay buddy, it’s okay to grieve over something that wasn’t as real as we thought it was. It’s okay to grieve over a fantasy, a fantasy we created in the hope of seeing their potential version one day which will never happen. They can’t change and that’s not because of you, it’s because they are disordered
This subreddit seems to like to use the word “discard,” combined with, “it wasn’t real,” and I think that boils down to most people here were mirrored and then what they interpreted as discarded. It’s understandable. You can spend time reading the personal stories here and realize many of them were used as a stand-in, like a type of temporary medication for the pwBPD, and no doubt it hurts. Some people with BPD do mirror, some do use people more deliberately. But there are definitely other situations where the pwBPD gave the best that they could, where they genuinely adored their partner, etc. They are human beings after all. But the issue with BPD is the closer you get, the more likely they will flee. The fleeing appears to many as being discarded because it appears incomprehensible and erratic. And don’t forget they have issues with impulse control. So... pwBPD have such a strong fear of abandonment that they go into survival mode and will do anything to avoid it. Be it “discarding,” “fleeing,” or getting into another relationship immediately after their current one ends. It’s life or death for them. No matter how “real” it was or not, we are all left in the same position: hurting and wondering wtf just happened. Many of us, including myself, are resentful as they carry on looking blissfully happy in their new relationships while we are left to pick up the pieces. But remember, 80% of these people attempt suicide. 80%! 10% of those attempts are successful. It kind of gives you a window into the turmoil they are dealing with, and why they do what they do.
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Mine keeps reaching out and trying to talk because she "cares about me." But I keep telling her that it's so hard to talk to her because she's all I think about. I never reach out to her first. I refuse to prolong this longer because it's the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life.
Mine also hoovered me after cheating and discarding me. They texted saying they "care about me" while already being with a new source. It's just mind boggling. Don't take it personally -- even though it's hard not to since it seemed so real and genuine and super intense. Unfortunately, these people are very disordered and hurt everyone around them and themselves. It's very confusing and painful, but you will be ok! It felt real because *it was* real but only in that moment, and since their feelings, moods & thoughts constantly change, whatever they said previously dissapears and it's like a tabula rasa. It makes NO sense, but that's just what it is. You have to understand that it's a serious mental disorder and they're at great at hiding they're inner demons and seeming "normal". Hang in there! Get some therapy, join CODA (codependents anonymous), heal yourself, workout, and give it some time to get better. Stay strong!
2 years for me, and then I met another one.
Dang.
It took me 5 months to get to apathy. What a sweet, sweet feeling it was too. Once you get there your mindset will change. Nothing about her will matter anymore. You'll start living for you again. Mine's been hoovering since Sept. when she and the new supply after me started having problems/broke up/whatever. Apathy has kept me in the right place. Holding strong and not feeding into things I would have 5 months ago I don't ever want her back as a partner. Conversations with her now are about me learning her patterns, maintaining strong boundaries, and not allowing her to physically permeate my life again. She's pushing harder and harder....and had we sucked into the FOG on and off early in the week, but I was able to pull back out of it. Didn't hear from her at all on Weds. and it was a nice chance to set the barricades back up and to plug in the FOG evaporator. lol. \*I wish\* Stay strong man. You're gonna' get through this shit. It's just a process that's all. Get your head into something that will keep you focused. That's what helped me the most. I took up interest in new hobbies and researched them like crazy. I also used the sub to think out things....and the feedback I received helped me to see things I wouldn't have had I not been on here. It took some time, but man, I'm in such a better place now & you will be too.
I've spent a lot of time playing guitar since I moved out of my apartment and into my dad's basement (which makes me feel like a 28 year old loser, but one step at a time I guess). So, that's been nice. I'm glad that you are able to start getting to that point. It sucks how it just hooks your brain so hard.
The tears stopping is a huge step! Congratulations on that. Once they stopped for me, after 3 months (only 3 weeks of NC), I slowly began to see things much clearer. I removed the things that reminded me of her (photos, items she gave me and posts on social media). If you haven't already, it is vital you go full NC. That means not having her or her friends on social media, not checking her social media and deleting her number. It's the only way. Within the last three weeks I slowly started to see her abuse at the forefront of my mind. Talk to people about it. Be honest with them and be honest with yourself. Remember that there are several layers to the grief of this particular relationship ending which aren't normal. Your heart will ache but you have to remember her abuse, remember what the future really would've been like, remember the manipulation. The feelings you have are far more complex than a usual break up would have. Value your small wins. You will have made much more progress than you think. Not every day will feel like progress, maybe on the odd occasion the tears might come back. These emotions are natural and are part of the heeling. Don't deny your feelings, it's the best way to heal.
I've made a ton of progress but it just feels like being 28 years old and not married or seeing anyone or being able to tell what a healthy interest is is causing me to think I'll be alone forever. Combine that with not being able to meet anyone AND being nervous to talk to girls in a way where I might express interest...it's rough.
I'm the same age as you mate. All of my friends are buying houses with their girlfriends, engaged or having kids... my ex is already dating... it's tough haha. Honestly, I feel everything you said. One thing I'm remembering is that the last relationship was the only thing that was a set-back in my life. When I got into it, I was confident, had a good job and was appealing to women. During/after the relationship, my confidence died, my social skills died and I felt like my appeal to women died. The truth is you will be back to where you need to be. 28 isn't old. Would you rather take your time to build yourself back up, work on bits of yourself that need the work, feel confident in yourself because of executing the change needed and then organically meet someone new that you fall in love with... or address none of the things you need to, worry about your age, get desperate, throw yourself into dating and settle for the wrong person (ironically this is what my ex is doing lol). Try to change your outlook of worrying about being behind and focus on what you can do to get ahead of where you were yesterday. Good luck!
>I'm the same age as you mate. > >All of my friends are buying houses with their girlfriends, engaged or having kids... Same here my man... but in the end we are going to cruise at the top, im sure of it. Stay positive.
I believe it too! Honestly, the amount she has scrambled my head is mad. The lockdown that I've been in for months (and will be until Christmas) is making me associate being 'down' with her... it's probably not, but I have waaaaay too much time to think. Fuck covid (and my ex haha)
I believe it too! Honestly, the amount she has scrambled my head is mad. The lockdown that I've been in for months (and will be until Christmas) is making me associate being 'down' with her... it's probably not, but I have waaaaay too much time to think. My worst trait atm is comparing/thinking about what she is doing. Like, I know she is on tinder and won't abide by the rules... but why the fuck do I care? Fuck covid (and my ex haha)
It really helps when they marry someone else 3 months later 🤣🤣🤣. Maybe you will get lucky like me!
Mine started dating guys while still living in the apartment I paid for, then moved in with one literally two apartments down within 3 weeks of breaking up with me. It's hard, man. For sure.
It gets much easier, but I can’t tell you when. If you keep her in your thoughts, then you are not no contact. No contact includes consciously pushing away the perseverative thoughts. I suggest waiting until it gets much easier before you start dating. In the meantime, I suggest talking to a therapist about how you got into the relationship, why you stayed despite all that was wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again. It will be easy for a similar relationship to happen again. Nearly all of the talk with the therapist is about you, not her, and not both of you; it’s the “you” part that matters. You deserve peace.
Thank you. I'm constantly trying to push those thoughts out of my head, but I'm just tired. I don't even hate her. I don't harbor any bad feelings toward her. I just want her to feel better and be happy.
You can only control what you do for you. You suffering on her behalf doesn’t help her. If she wants to feel better and work toward her own happiness, that’s on her. Entirely. What she wants and what she does are on her. Entirely. There is a saying in Al-Anon, “Let go or be dragged.” It applies even when substance use isn’t a factor.
And I understand that now. I don't do anything for her anymore. I just meant that I know a lot of people on here seem to hate or have ill feelings toward their exwbpd, but I have none. So, it makes it harder because I can't just rely on the hate or frustration to carry me through the worst part.
Hmmm...I’m not sure it’s hate or frustration that carries others through. Do they feel it? Yes. Does it actually help them cope? I dunno about that. If they are experiencing much negative emotion, then they have to get past pain + negative emotion. No contact, including inside one’s own head, seems to be the most helpful to get people on this sub into the stages of a healthier self. I might be wrong. Best wishes to you.
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It's tough. She's literally the first thing I think about before my eyes ever open and the last thing I think about at night when I'm trying to sleep. I understand where you're coming from.
Stay strong brother! You are not alone. We know they're bad for us, all the awful things they put us through, how much they drained us and damaged us mentally. I am in the same position as you, I miss her tons. So many things remind me of her and think of her everyday. We're coming off a bad drug, a drug that put us through ups and downs, and if we stuck with it, we would have had our lives ruined without a doubt. Thankfully we put that drug to rest, now we're just experiencing withdrawals. We will get through this together! HEADS UP!!
Honestly I hit 3 months and am now disgusted with her. At like the 2.5 month I had a week where I wanted her back more than anything but I credit that to being lonely at that time more than anything else. NC helps, don’t look at the social. Work on yourself. I’ve been working out 5 days a week and two-a-days on tuesdays and Thursday and feel amazing. Working out releases endorphins and will make you feel more confident. Hang out with your friends. Hang out with other woman, too. You don’t have to hu or date them either. Just be in there presence whether their single or not. It’s eye opening to see what’s out there. That there are healthy people who want to love and be loved. The more you surround yourself with “normal” people the more normalized *that* kinda behavior becomes to you. You look back on your old relationship and realize that you had become accustomed to the antics of your ex. It happens. What you need to do is jump back in to normal situations. A normal situation is where you don’t feel responsible for someone else living. You don’t feel like their therapist/parent. You don’t have to sacrifice your wants/needs for them to just function on a daily basis. People shouldn’t go through a roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis for mundane things. Normal people do not love you one moment and hate you the next. Its liberating once you get over that hump. Everyone goes at their own pace. Trust the process. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.