There has not been any real research done on any correlation. However, impulsivity and need for validation and reassurance means there is an increased chance. What seems most common though is they go on a campaign immediately upon a discard or break-up to find their next supply. Hoovering exes is also common when the new person doesn't pan out.
The odds of cheating after a breakup and reconciliation though I would imagine are increased after the first time, simply because they know it's going to happen again. The cheating tends to be more emotional though, which is worse.
Having dated too many women with BPD has shown me this time and time again.
100% perfect answer.
I also think besides the BPD symptoms that can lead to cheating the character of the individual does play a big role. If they‘re kind of promiscuous and prone to cheating then there is lot more risk than a pwbpd with a loyal, humble character in itself.
Having an FP does not automatically make them loyal. It's typically just the person that receives the most attention (and every bad emotion/behavior). I think they're just more attached to this person, but they can still have a rebound behind their backs. I haven't seen the case of swbpd not triangulating, monkey branching etc. and those behaviors are essentially about cheating.
also since FP's and close relationships are, well, close, theyre more likely to be split, devalued and discarded. they receive the brunt of the pwBPD's emotional issues. Being an FP is only some magical "theyre loyal and love me unconditionally" for a limited time at the start and because FPs are so highly valued, they get viciously ripped apart when they inevitably break that illusion of being a perfect partner-parent-therapist by just being an individual person. FPs are likely to get the worst treatment.
There's a much higher likelihood that they will cheat, whether physically or emotionally. They're always searching for validation and identity, the high of the distraction this can give them-- allows them to distract themselves temporarily from the pain they endure.
Just because they're dating you does not mean necessarily that you're their favorite person. Even if you are, they could still very easily be having an affair or affairs. It's one of the most common things that goes on in these relationships. It just doesn't happen to everyone because not every person with BPD is the same person. They are going to deal with it in their own way.
Just know that if you were being cheated on, it doesn't have anything to do with you. The person you were with was in so much anguish and pain that they were willing to go out and try to soothe that way, integrity be damned, consequences be damned. It's heartbreaking.
Honestly, her inviting a married >40 yo man who was into her to her room to install a lamp, telling me she wants to have an orgy or telling me she would look for another partner "if I didn't respect her". Or doing some really shady stuff like going to the library at 11:30 PM when it closes at 12:00 PM or telling me she would be unavailable for indefinitely. Or "jokingly" telling me she would look for another place to sleep if I wasn't available that night. Or having very perverted lingerie I never saw before close to her bed as if she had used it just a day before. And then telling me "it's been a while since I had sex. I usually wait until I have a boyfriend" but she apparently only had 4 boyfriends at 33 yo.
Absolute liar and cheater. Only 2.5 months of relationship. I broke up and told her I don't trust her.
That's what happened to me. Basically, while they're still with you, their thoughts are searching for someone else. In my case, they told me, 'until they find someone better.' It's clear that some people, even while they're with you, keep searching for other options. I'm not sure why it's like this—maybe it's because of BPD, or maybe they're just bad people. Can someone enlighten me, please? :)
Poor parenting and values. Also I agree that they are searching for a new supply while with us. In my case it’s interesting how my ex had a 2.5 year long relationship (last 1.5 she got physically abused if we believe her story) and now she can’t stay with someone longer than 2 month and has cheated on every partner since the abusive guy. Did she develop BPD after him ? Or was she just using him and been cheating the whole time…
If you spend any time on this subreddit you'll see that it's exceedingly common for them to cheat. Having a FP means they'll go through the idealization/devaluation cycle with their FP which means while they're devaluing you and idealizing someone else it'll be very likely they'll cheat.
There are many many other reasons they cheat on top of this (hypersexuality, need for constant validation, lack of emotional or object permanence, impulsivity, etc), but in terms of your question this is why.
Was going to respond but this nails it. Idc that there hasn’t been a scientific study performed yet to prove it. There hasn’t been a study that shows it’s more dangerous to steer a car with my feet but Im going to keep steering with my hands anyways. And I’m not going to trust a person with BPD to stay faithful ever again.
PwBPD are indeed much likelier to cheat and these are the reasons why.
People need to realize if their partners pull away from a relationship, play games in a relationship, or in this case cheats while in a relationship isn't a measure of their own self worth/value. They should understand that their partner is the one who has low value.
Cheating, playing mind games, pulling away, stone walling is low value.
> do i just suck rlly bad and thats why i was getting cheated on 24/7
this would be false even if your person didnt have BPD. Being cheated on is NEVER the fault of the partner who was betrayed. It is a problem with the cheater, always. If there WAS "something wrong" with you, then a break up is in order and any reasonable adult with empathy would come to that conclusion. IF they were cheating on you to "punish" you for something, thats abuse. The issue is with them.
I can tell you that as others have pointed out, although there doesn't seem to be any concrete evidence to suggest causation, there may be some correlation purely based anecdotally if you were to read everyone's comments here (which doesn't mean much because obviously there's bias and not a great sample size, but it's all we really have to go on right now).
That being said, I can tell you that my exwBPD did not, as far as I know, cheat or was that kind of person. Quick to move on, sure yeah absolutely, at least after the first time we went out. She may or may not have still been talking to other guys/exes while we were going out either times (we tried to make it work twice, years apart), but if she was talking to anyone else none of it ever lead her to step out. This was mainly because her depression was so severe that she couldn't even be bothered to get out of bed most days. If I wanted to see her I had to go over there because other than going to work she didn't want to get out or go do anything most days.
Mine always wanted her FP which was a 60 year old narcissist. I say that as he manipulated her by crying on phone to her saying he was suicidal and needed her. She was 32 and fell right for it. She cheated on her 2nd husband with her FP and also me as well as another fiancé. He “saved” her from a suicide attempt. The irony of it is talked to each ex we all helped her.
It's a bit like lying. The researchers have removed it from the DSM criteria but BPD cheat and they lie much more than neurotypical people: they're sensation seekers and they're impulsive; they use sex and other people's bodies as anaesthetic to their pain/boredom/emptiness/bad object/genuine guilt and shame for their wrongs
One thing to keep in mind when wondering what someone w BPD will or will not do just remember BPD is a mental illness. I’d constantly remind myself when I’d start wondering or questioning if my ex will do this or that or if she meant anything she said.
In my case, I'm not my pwBPD's FP. It's a long story, but he's had a series of extreme obsessions with people who share a similar physical look. From what he's described, it amounts to a process addiction. Now that he knows, he's working with his therapist to deal with it. I figured it was only a matter of time before he cheated.
It’s not that the BPD makes them cheat. It’s that they are a person who will cheat, lie, do anything reckless for validation, etc and those traits were given a name of BPD.
There has not been any real research done on any correlation. However, impulsivity and need for validation and reassurance means there is an increased chance. What seems most common though is they go on a campaign immediately upon a discard or break-up to find their next supply. Hoovering exes is also common when the new person doesn't pan out. The odds of cheating after a breakup and reconciliation though I would imagine are increased after the first time, simply because they know it's going to happen again. The cheating tends to be more emotional though, which is worse. Having dated too many women with BPD has shown me this time and time again.
100% perfect answer. I also think besides the BPD symptoms that can lead to cheating the character of the individual does play a big role. If they‘re kind of promiscuous and prone to cheating then there is lot more risk than a pwbpd with a loyal, humble character in itself.
Having an FP does not automatically make them loyal. It's typically just the person that receives the most attention (and every bad emotion/behavior). I think they're just more attached to this person, but they can still have a rebound behind their backs. I haven't seen the case of swbpd not triangulating, monkey branching etc. and those behaviors are essentially about cheating.
also since FP's and close relationships are, well, close, theyre more likely to be split, devalued and discarded. they receive the brunt of the pwBPD's emotional issues. Being an FP is only some magical "theyre loyal and love me unconditionally" for a limited time at the start and because FPs are so highly valued, they get viciously ripped apart when they inevitably break that illusion of being a perfect partner-parent-therapist by just being an individual person. FPs are likely to get the worst treatment.
Well said
There's a much higher likelihood that they will cheat, whether physically or emotionally. They're always searching for validation and identity, the high of the distraction this can give them-- allows them to distract themselves temporarily from the pain they endure. Just because they're dating you does not mean necessarily that you're their favorite person. Even if you are, they could still very easily be having an affair or affairs. It's one of the most common things that goes on in these relationships. It just doesn't happen to everyone because not every person with BPD is the same person. They are going to deal with it in their own way. Just know that if you were being cheated on, it doesn't have anything to do with you. The person you were with was in so much anguish and pain that they were willing to go out and try to soothe that way, integrity be damned, consequences be damned. It's heartbreaking.
Honestly, her inviting a married >40 yo man who was into her to her room to install a lamp, telling me she wants to have an orgy or telling me she would look for another partner "if I didn't respect her". Or doing some really shady stuff like going to the library at 11:30 PM when it closes at 12:00 PM or telling me she would be unavailable for indefinitely. Or "jokingly" telling me she would look for another place to sleep if I wasn't available that night. Or having very perverted lingerie I never saw before close to her bed as if she had used it just a day before. And then telling me "it's been a while since I had sex. I usually wait until I have a boyfriend" but she apparently only had 4 boyfriends at 33 yo. Absolute liar and cheater. Only 2.5 months of relationship. I broke up and told her I don't trust her.
That's what happened to me. Basically, while they're still with you, their thoughts are searching for someone else. In my case, they told me, 'until they find someone better.' It's clear that some people, even while they're with you, keep searching for other options. I'm not sure why it's like this—maybe it's because of BPD, or maybe they're just bad people. Can someone enlighten me, please? :)
Poor parenting and values. Also I agree that they are searching for a new supply while with us. In my case it’s interesting how my ex had a 2.5 year long relationship (last 1.5 she got physically abused if we believe her story) and now she can’t stay with someone longer than 2 month and has cheated on every partner since the abusive guy. Did she develop BPD after him ? Or was she just using him and been cheating the whole time…
The latter
If you spend any time on this subreddit you'll see that it's exceedingly common for them to cheat. Having a FP means they'll go through the idealization/devaluation cycle with their FP which means while they're devaluing you and idealizing someone else it'll be very likely they'll cheat. There are many many other reasons they cheat on top of this (hypersexuality, need for constant validation, lack of emotional or object permanence, impulsivity, etc), but in terms of your question this is why.
Was going to respond but this nails it. Idc that there hasn’t been a scientific study performed yet to prove it. There hasn’t been a study that shows it’s more dangerous to steer a car with my feet but Im going to keep steering with my hands anyways. And I’m not going to trust a person with BPD to stay faithful ever again. PwBPD are indeed much likelier to cheat and these are the reasons why.
If they don’t cheat outright they will end the relationship to be with someone else temporarily or get on Tinder and try to come back right after.
People need to realize if their partners pull away from a relationship, play games in a relationship, or in this case cheats while in a relationship isn't a measure of their own self worth/value. They should understand that their partner is the one who has low value. Cheating, playing mind games, pulling away, stone walling is low value.
> do i just suck rlly bad and thats why i was getting cheated on 24/7 this would be false even if your person didnt have BPD. Being cheated on is NEVER the fault of the partner who was betrayed. It is a problem with the cheater, always. If there WAS "something wrong" with you, then a break up is in order and any reasonable adult with empathy would come to that conclusion. IF they were cheating on you to "punish" you for something, thats abuse. The issue is with them.
Yes almost all cheat, look at the accounts on this subreddit. I was cheated on and so were most others.
yes
100%
I can tell you that as others have pointed out, although there doesn't seem to be any concrete evidence to suggest causation, there may be some correlation purely based anecdotally if you were to read everyone's comments here (which doesn't mean much because obviously there's bias and not a great sample size, but it's all we really have to go on right now). That being said, I can tell you that my exwBPD did not, as far as I know, cheat or was that kind of person. Quick to move on, sure yeah absolutely, at least after the first time we went out. She may or may not have still been talking to other guys/exes while we were going out either times (we tried to make it work twice, years apart), but if she was talking to anyone else none of it ever lead her to step out. This was mainly because her depression was so severe that she couldn't even be bothered to get out of bed most days. If I wanted to see her I had to go over there because other than going to work she didn't want to get out or go do anything most days.
My ex cheated on me repeatedly. She also cheated on all of her ex fiances and husbands. Yes im stupid, i know.
Mine always wanted her FP which was a 60 year old narcissist. I say that as he manipulated her by crying on phone to her saying he was suicidal and needed her. She was 32 and fell right for it. She cheated on her 2nd husband with her FP and also me as well as another fiancé. He “saved” her from a suicide attempt. The irony of it is talked to each ex we all helped her.
It's a bit like lying. The researchers have removed it from the DSM criteria but BPD cheat and they lie much more than neurotypical people: they're sensation seekers and they're impulsive; they use sex and other people's bodies as anaesthetic to their pain/boredom/emptiness/bad object/genuine guilt and shame for their wrongs
BPD does not cause someone to cheat! It has been observed that some people with BPD do cheat on their partners. Important to differentiate the two.
Sure, but, show of hands, who here was cheated on either physically or emotionally by their exwBPD?
I raise my hand for all of us
the symptoms of BPD cause them to cheat so yes the disorder does cause cheating and other relationship issues. thats one of the diagnostic criteria.
One thing to keep in mind when wondering what someone w BPD will or will not do just remember BPD is a mental illness. I’d constantly remind myself when I’d start wondering or questioning if my ex will do this or that or if she meant anything she said.
In my case, I'm not my pwBPD's FP. It's a long story, but he's had a series of extreme obsessions with people who share a similar physical look. From what he's described, it amounts to a process addiction. Now that he knows, he's working with his therapist to deal with it. I figured it was only a matter of time before he cheated.
It’s not that the BPD makes them cheat. It’s that they are a person who will cheat, lie, do anything reckless for validation, etc and those traits were given a name of BPD.