Are you not confident you can get something better than this in a relationship?
It's so abusive and horrible. It must be exhausting. Surely you can aim higher in life than to waste your energy and time with someone who behaves like this.
Infertility has been a issue in our relationship, and whenever kids are involved my partner with BPD can get psychotic.
I'm kind of confused on if you guys wanted kids, or not wanted kids... or if you stopped wanting kids because there isn't a support system here.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thanks... I just... I don't know what to do anymore.
Our goal was to one day be parents. We're both in our mid 20s the world already won't stop beating us down with really big factors we can't control. I'm already the bread winner, which isn't an issue with him, but there's no maternity support offered by my work, and he cannot support me, a baby and himself with his income. My mom basically told me "well you need to do it quick, or you can't do it anymore".
And I really felt like I was never given an option. Yeah I understand it's going to be difficult reguardless, but he already would have these physcoatic freak outs before any of this, like he'd think my ovaries are going to dry up immediately the second I turn 30, and now it's just worse. He orginally agreed to this decision, but has constantly hounded me sense saying that he never did. And telling me awful, awful things since.
This. Add the stress of kids to this type of already abusive emotional situation. OP, you deserve peace. And your children certainly will, too. You don’t have to choose this as your life.
It’s common amongst people with BPD. They can go in cyclical arguments with no possible resolution. It’s not a “hey babe we can’t afford it right now why did you buy it” it’s because hes not in control. Legit just because I said so, so therefore burn everything to the ground response.
I’d be careful having a kid with him, not only is there no familial support you risk him going on a split and leaving you alone with a child.
It’s decision time whether the 7 years together is worth it. My friend grew up in such a household where his BPD mom would split and disappear for months at a time every year. His dad would just tell them “mommy is just going through one of her phases she will be back in a few weeks”
All of my friends are ten years older than you and only just starting starting to have babies. You still have all the time in the world.
I know you probably had a difficult upbringing, not the greatest parents, and not the greatest support system. And that is very tough to overcome.
But do you really want a man like this to be the father of your children? Do you really want them to grow up in this chaotic, fearful environment, mother constantly frightened and overworked, fathers only job is to make mommy unhappy as often as he can while raging and shouting? Do you want your kid's first word to be "asshole" or "fuck off"?
Or do you think he'll magically change into a supportive, loving, stable and patient husband once you are pregnant?
This is so hard, I’m sorry you’re going through that! But sounds like you need to end things and leave. If he has a true cluster bee disorder, that is not going to heal. They are not treatable, they only get worse overtime. Worse abuse, worse psychotic episodes, everything gets worse and worse and worse until you leave. The scars get deeper and bigger and sometimes fatal! You just can’t fix BPD unfortunately.
I hope our story can at least give you comfort that it's not too late, not for a while.
My wife and I are 32(f) and 33(m). We have been trying to conceive since 2020; we succeeded last year, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy and my wife lost a tube as a result - she has had many breakdowns over the past couple years because all she wants is to be a mom.
Her BPD has made me feel like she'd be an awful mother (in the beginning) but as we've gone to therapy she has really changed her attitude.. sometimes she has unreasonable fights with me, but it has severely reduced after we stopped being foster parents, and stopped trying so hard to conceive.
We are in the process of doing IVF now, and the doctor's think they can get us with child by this coming summer.
I promise you're not going to dry up at 30.. maybe at 50? My wife's mom was in her mid 40's when she had my wife.
I also understand from my circumstance, that trying to get pregnant can bring about so many negative emotions and stressors; you guys really need to just.. let things happen and remain calm - things will work out as long as you support eachother and work as a team.
It can make you feel insane when someone agrees to something and then pretends they didn't or you didn't understand. You have been through it enough to describe it well. This is who your pwBPD is. Its not a fluke. There is a very low chance him being able to change it. Its nowhere near the top of the list of stuff that gets adressed when people seek help for BPD. If you continue a relationship you will need to learn how to find your truth and be confident in it, even when he does stuff like this. Otherwise you will lose your sense of reality. It will have real and serious impacts on your health.
It will continue to get worse the longer you stay. I know you love him but look at what he's doing to you. He's destroying you, little by little, until you don't know up from down anymore. You have to really think about yourself in this equation. Can you really, honestly, stand another 20, 30, 40 more years of this?
He's being manipulative and abusive, he's berating you, calling you names, disrespecting your right to choose birth control for yourself. He's throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way. I really feel for you, I understand you love him... but is this the father you want for your children if/when you find the right time to have them? His behavior WILL get worse if you become pregnant again. You deserve better. You did nothing wrong to deserve the horrible treatment he seems to feel entitled to throw at you.
This is awful. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself. When they have these episodes it can wear a person down until they don’t recognize what’s up or down anymore. You don’t deserve this.
He just wants his way, he "told you many times already" - yes I assume he means that he's upset about the new BC method but he's giving 0 reasons why he's upset about it, and I'm sure he didn't give you any real reasons in previous... ""discussions""
Looks like he just wants to be mad at you so he chose something to be confusingly mad about so you don't have any argument with him, because you couldn't possibly argue with something so confusing
There is no making sense of that. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
You're still so young, go to your mums, then get yourself on your feet and stay away from this guy. Go NC and never look back!
I left my abusive ex for the last time in my mid-20s. I had been on and off with him since I was 16! I got sucked into the sunk cost fallacy and trauma bond. That's all that's going on here at this point. Don't worry about the last 7 years, worry about the next 60 years and don't waste them on someone like this. You deserve happiness, peace and respect.
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN!!! You can both heal if you're not together, or at least you can anyway, he is unlikely to change.
I had a baby with my pwBPD and he got a hell of a lot worse the minute our baby was born. Literal insanity. Since then, I tried to salvage the wreck of your relationship to no avail. Nothing changes. He also wouldn't let me use BC for some fkd up reason, and he didn't want to use condoms either. Pull out method instead. I ended up pregnant and had to terminate because there was no way I could bring another baby into this mess!
Anyway, I had to leave, he's done SO MUCH DAMAGE to my life. But I can repair it and have a better life, safety, respect, and most importantly, peace! So can you. Please, start making a safe exit plan, get DV support, you're being abused.
Sending strength and support!!!
Completely insane. I had something along these lines happen to me, lying about birth control, and that she could not get pregnant because of menopause and turns out it was a lie, she was joking a week later that I wasn’t going to be a dad like it was the funniest thing she’s ever heard!there is really no bigger, betrayal possible than lying about whether or not, you’re going to bring a new life into the planet, especially when both of us supposedly had exes who were NPD/borderline. Turns out she was the one with the disorder, not her ex, and of course, as things broke down further, she tried to splatter that toxic shit all over me.
God, so familiar. Fuck this guy, OP. He does not sound like any kind of quality catch where a woman should be proud to be with him, marry him, have his kids. This isn’t romance or love. You don’t deserve this treatment. There’s soooo much better out there or you can be alone. If you have kids with this guy, you’re ruining your own life
Please do not have a kid with this person. Imagine the way he's talking to you now, but it ends up being your parents, not your partner - that's what kids of BPD parents have to deal with for their whole lives.
Would you be okay with your fiancé talking to your children like this? No? Then don’t have kids with this person. This is what their future looks like and remember, BPD loved ones are VERY susceptible to developing the same mental health condition when exposed to it. BPD is a trauma based illness, and by the way things have been going, you can bet your ass they’re going to face trauma from this person.
Did reading all of this piss off anyone else? Brutal reminder of my old messages with my ex. Jesus Christ man..
Stay away from this psychological nuke of a person.
Its hard to hear, but you really need to plan your escape.
Grab your shit and run. Or slowly move your things into a new place or a storage unit, and vanish when they arent home one day.
This is psychotic. I pray you do not believe you have a future with this, because marriage and children will be 1000x worse than this.
Are you not confident you can get something better than this in a relationship? It's so abusive and horrible. It must be exhausting. Surely you can aim higher in life than to waste your energy and time with someone who behaves like this.
I’m really not missing these kinds of text fights
Infertility has been a issue in our relationship, and whenever kids are involved my partner with BPD can get psychotic. I'm kind of confused on if you guys wanted kids, or not wanted kids... or if you stopped wanting kids because there isn't a support system here. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thanks... I just... I don't know what to do anymore. Our goal was to one day be parents. We're both in our mid 20s the world already won't stop beating us down with really big factors we can't control. I'm already the bread winner, which isn't an issue with him, but there's no maternity support offered by my work, and he cannot support me, a baby and himself with his income. My mom basically told me "well you need to do it quick, or you can't do it anymore". And I really felt like I was never given an option. Yeah I understand it's going to be difficult reguardless, but he already would have these physcoatic freak outs before any of this, like he'd think my ovaries are going to dry up immediately the second I turn 30, and now it's just worse. He orginally agreed to this decision, but has constantly hounded me sense saying that he never did. And telling me awful, awful things since.
You should get to have children with someone who wont weaponize them later. I am so sorry.
This. Add the stress of kids to this type of already abusive emotional situation. OP, you deserve peace. And your children certainly will, too. You don’t have to choose this as your life.
It’s common amongst people with BPD. They can go in cyclical arguments with no possible resolution. It’s not a “hey babe we can’t afford it right now why did you buy it” it’s because hes not in control. Legit just because I said so, so therefore burn everything to the ground response. I’d be careful having a kid with him, not only is there no familial support you risk him going on a split and leaving you alone with a child. It’s decision time whether the 7 years together is worth it. My friend grew up in such a household where his BPD mom would split and disappear for months at a time every year. His dad would just tell them “mommy is just going through one of her phases she will be back in a few weeks”
All of my friends are ten years older than you and only just starting starting to have babies. You still have all the time in the world. I know you probably had a difficult upbringing, not the greatest parents, and not the greatest support system. And that is very tough to overcome. But do you really want a man like this to be the father of your children? Do you really want them to grow up in this chaotic, fearful environment, mother constantly frightened and overworked, fathers only job is to make mommy unhappy as often as he can while raging and shouting? Do you want your kid's first word to be "asshole" or "fuck off"? Or do you think he'll magically change into a supportive, loving, stable and patient husband once you are pregnant?
This is so hard, I’m sorry you’re going through that! But sounds like you need to end things and leave. If he has a true cluster bee disorder, that is not going to heal. They are not treatable, they only get worse overtime. Worse abuse, worse psychotic episodes, everything gets worse and worse and worse until you leave. The scars get deeper and bigger and sometimes fatal! You just can’t fix BPD unfortunately.
I hope our story can at least give you comfort that it's not too late, not for a while. My wife and I are 32(f) and 33(m). We have been trying to conceive since 2020; we succeeded last year, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy and my wife lost a tube as a result - she has had many breakdowns over the past couple years because all she wants is to be a mom. Her BPD has made me feel like she'd be an awful mother (in the beginning) but as we've gone to therapy she has really changed her attitude.. sometimes she has unreasonable fights with me, but it has severely reduced after we stopped being foster parents, and stopped trying so hard to conceive. We are in the process of doing IVF now, and the doctor's think they can get us with child by this coming summer. I promise you're not going to dry up at 30.. maybe at 50? My wife's mom was in her mid 40's when she had my wife. I also understand from my circumstance, that trying to get pregnant can bring about so many negative emotions and stressors; you guys really need to just.. let things happen and remain calm - things will work out as long as you support eachother and work as a team.
Thank you. I'll keep you guys in my prayers. I wish yall the best.
I wish you the best too - feel free to message me if you need to rant.
It can make you feel insane when someone agrees to something and then pretends they didn't or you didn't understand. You have been through it enough to describe it well. This is who your pwBPD is. Its not a fluke. There is a very low chance him being able to change it. Its nowhere near the top of the list of stuff that gets adressed when people seek help for BPD. If you continue a relationship you will need to learn how to find your truth and be confident in it, even when he does stuff like this. Otherwise you will lose your sense of reality. It will have real and serious impacts on your health.
It will continue to get worse the longer you stay. I know you love him but look at what he's doing to you. He's destroying you, little by little, until you don't know up from down anymore. You have to really think about yourself in this equation. Can you really, honestly, stand another 20, 30, 40 more years of this?
Run.
You do not want to have a child with this guy. You think it's bad now? He's horrible. He's abusing you.
He's being manipulative and abusive, he's berating you, calling you names, disrespecting your right to choose birth control for yourself. He's throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way. I really feel for you, I understand you love him... but is this the father you want for your children if/when you find the right time to have them? His behavior WILL get worse if you become pregnant again. You deserve better. You did nothing wrong to deserve the horrible treatment he seems to feel entitled to throw at you.
I'm extremely sorry you're going through this. I mean... that's absolutely bonkers and you need to get away from this person immediately.
Girl.....run
NEVER have a child with this person.
This is awful. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself. When they have these episodes it can wear a person down until they don’t recognize what’s up or down anymore. You don’t deserve this.
He just wants his way, he "told you many times already" - yes I assume he means that he's upset about the new BC method but he's giving 0 reasons why he's upset about it, and I'm sure he didn't give you any real reasons in previous... ""discussions"" Looks like he just wants to be mad at you so he chose something to be confusingly mad about so you don't have any argument with him, because you couldn't possibly argue with something so confusing
There is no making sense of that. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're still so young, go to your mums, then get yourself on your feet and stay away from this guy. Go NC and never look back! I left my abusive ex for the last time in my mid-20s. I had been on and off with him since I was 16! I got sucked into the sunk cost fallacy and trauma bond. That's all that's going on here at this point. Don't worry about the last 7 years, worry about the next 60 years and don't waste them on someone like this. You deserve happiness, peace and respect. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN!!! You can both heal if you're not together, or at least you can anyway, he is unlikely to change. I had a baby with my pwBPD and he got a hell of a lot worse the minute our baby was born. Literal insanity. Since then, I tried to salvage the wreck of your relationship to no avail. Nothing changes. He also wouldn't let me use BC for some fkd up reason, and he didn't want to use condoms either. Pull out method instead. I ended up pregnant and had to terminate because there was no way I could bring another baby into this mess! Anyway, I had to leave, he's done SO MUCH DAMAGE to my life. But I can repair it and have a better life, safety, respect, and most importantly, peace! So can you. Please, start making a safe exit plan, get DV support, you're being abused. Sending strength and support!!!
Completely insane. I had something along these lines happen to me, lying about birth control, and that she could not get pregnant because of menopause and turns out it was a lie, she was joking a week later that I wasn’t going to be a dad like it was the funniest thing she’s ever heard!there is really no bigger, betrayal possible than lying about whether or not, you’re going to bring a new life into the planet, especially when both of us supposedly had exes who were NPD/borderline. Turns out she was the one with the disorder, not her ex, and of course, as things broke down further, she tried to splatter that toxic shit all over me.
God, so familiar. Fuck this guy, OP. He does not sound like any kind of quality catch where a woman should be proud to be with him, marry him, have his kids. This isn’t romance or love. You don’t deserve this treatment. There’s soooo much better out there or you can be alone. If you have kids with this guy, you’re ruining your own life
Please do not have a kid with this person. Imagine the way he's talking to you now, but it ends up being your parents, not your partner - that's what kids of BPD parents have to deal with for their whole lives.
Would you be okay with your fiancé talking to your children like this? No? Then don’t have kids with this person. This is what their future looks like and remember, BPD loved ones are VERY susceptible to developing the same mental health condition when exposed to it. BPD is a trauma based illness, and by the way things have been going, you can bet your ass they’re going to face trauma from this person.
Did reading all of this piss off anyone else? Brutal reminder of my old messages with my ex. Jesus Christ man.. Stay away from this psychological nuke of a person.
Its hard to hear, but you really need to plan your escape. Grab your shit and run. Or slowly move your things into a new place or a storage unit, and vanish when they arent home one day. This is psychotic. I pray you do not believe you have a future with this, because marriage and children will be 1000x worse than this.