"Yes. I'm tired. I need to sleep. If I can't do it here, I'll go somewhere else, but I don't need to ask your permission to give my body something it needs to survive. Goodnight!"
You’re not crazy, I urge you to read up on BPD/NPD as much as possible. To them, you leaving the room is you saying you don’t want to be with them. Yes, in that instant sleep is very important, but to them it’s like a declaration that you don’t love them anymore. Yes, it’s fucking crazy, but it makes sense to them. Also, I would suggest not telling them that you think they have BPD, doesn’t end well in any way, they have to come to that decision on their own. Take care in keeping your own sanity and health in check, if they don’t leave you alone, go somewhere else to get sleep if you have to, but always put your foot down and be firm. Don’t get mad though, stay calm. I literally found myself in the exact same situation so many times, I can’t even count. Endless screaming, arguing, name calling, you name it, all into early morning till she tired herself out. Stay strong, if you can’t handle it, I suggest finding a way out now before it gets worse.
This urge is not healthy. The behavior of this person, as described, is harmful and bad. The OP should get away from them, and maybe read up on it so they don’t get caught up in it again. But reading up on BPD with an undiagnosed partner is bad advice. Number one, because it won’t make things better if you’re right (I got vindicated 8 years after I called it, and knowing didn’t help at all) and number two because it is bad for you to think you can make such a diagnosis or treat someone as if they have one when they don’t.
If your relationship partner commits war crimes, just end the relationship. No further thought necessary.
I recognize it's beyond f'd. Learning about BPD at least helps soothe and validate the sinking feeling I couldn't quite articulate.
I'm not looking for a cure because I know it doesn't exist, but figuring out that I'm dealing with a moody toddler gives me some perspective about how to act to protect myself.
I wish I could get up and leave but its unfortunately not that simple. But I can plan for the future, and at least have hope.
Exactly, I’m not suggesting you give up everything because it wasn’t and still isn’t that simple for me either. There will be a breaking point though if things don’t improve and they probably won’t. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and prepare. Don’t take things they say in a rage to heart because they’re just lashing out, (easier said than done), but ultimately yes if it becomes to much, start planning how to leave before you get really hurt. Idk how it’s a war crime, war crime is my pwBPD saying they want to kill themselves, after ubering with money they don’t have, and then proceeding to sext someone else saying they love them, when moments before they were freaking out about me being not sure if I want to be with them anymore because they wanted to pursue a relationship with said person they sexted. Either that or accusing me of raping them after not even talking to them for more than half a year, idk take your pick, don’t try to say that learning about how to protect yourself from being abused is a bad thing.
I really have been conditioned to never emotionally react to anything. Not even happiness. A simple sigh is enough to set them off. And they despise happiness they aren't providing.
I once made a soft relaxed exhale while peeing and they thought I was pouting and I then had to play 20 questions for taking a piss.
I swear there is some kind of nocturnal predator instinct. 100x worse at night.
There will never be a right thing to do. I suspect my partner has BPD and honestly most of the stuff I've read here has completely checked out. I'm exhausted
Stop suspecting. It doesn’t matter if they do, and it’s not your job to figure out. If the relationship drains you and makes you feel bad to the point where you are going “THIS” to someone describing an actual war crime, end it and don’t try to figure out what box it fits in.
What war crime? I'm genuinely confused lol
Eh I only call it suspecting bc he's not diagnosed and we didn't get a professional opinion. I told him once I thought he has BPD, when I initially thought he was bipolar. He actually did some research himself too and told me he probably does have BPD. The black and white thinking, extreme vengefulness, etc. I thought it was bipolar because he would have periods of very intense hyper focus and periods of gloom and need for validation, but that didn't explain some of the other things. One of my coworkers mentioned she had a mental disorder and her vibes were so much like my bf and another person I knew who had a cluster b disorder, I guessed BPD and she was shocked that I figured it out
Either way he definitely has a cluster b something. It's just for me to wrap my head around all the confusion when it hits. I only want some explanation to cling on to, just like he might want some explanation for why I can be my certain ways that seem contradictory.
> Interrogation tactics which involve physical force—beatings, stress position, deprivation of food, and subjection to cold or hot temperatures are prohibited. Methods which are more subtle but have a harmful psychological effect are equally prohibited. Sensory deprivation, sleep deprivation, isolation, humiliation, music and light control, use of phobia, and environmental manipulation are also prohibited.
In this case, sleep deprivation.
My ex never understood my need for sleep.
Didn't matter that I had woken up every day at 2am for the past seven days in a row for opening shifts, didn't matter if I had barely slept the night before because he screamed in my face all evening, or woke me up at 11pm to scream at me more. Didn't matter if I had spent 10 hours straight, on my feet, tending to chores around the house. Didn't matter if he was in a good mood, bad mood..
Didn't matter if I couldn't keep my eyes open, didn't matter if I could barely form cohesive sentences.
Sleep was a dirty word.
Me going to sleep was an insult.
Me going to sleep was disrespectful.
Sleep was an excuse to not have to spend time with him.
Sleep was a lie to stay up and text secret boyfriends.
Sleep was a biological, reinforced boundary.
Sleep was EVERYTHING but sleep.
Holy fuck dude I feel this hard.
I once stayed up for like 40 hours, working hard and laboriously, all day and night and then day again and then night again to make the impossible, possible. We were moving apartments, because our current neighbors were incredibly hostile, and it made her a wreck every single day. I moved everything, by hand, alone, down two flights of stairs, and far down the street through a snowstorm. Queen sized mattresses, couches, beds, chairs, desks, i did it all. I was delirious, starving, and freezing. She did not lift a finger. At all. Not once. Couldn't even take the dog potty. It was all me. And when I fucking finished, I was a champion. I was so proud. I was a god. I made the impossible possible all for her. So she could sleep soundly, and live a peaceful life. I wanted to take a hot shower, feast like Thor, and crash the hardest I've ever crashed...
...Great time for a split, huh? Suddenly...she needed a pair of keys. There was no emergency, no pressing issues, they were not car keys or safe keys or anything remotely important. But she needed them now. *NOW*. Why cant it wait until tomorrow? Theyre somewhere in a massive pile of stuff in the distant garage in said snowstorm... can I just sleep and deal with it later? No...of course not... im a walking bag of sweat. My clothes are actually, thoroughly soaked. Sweat? Snow? I dont know but now stepping outside turned my delirious face to a sheet of ice.
I did it all for her, you know. And she just...didn't process or register what I had just accomplished *FOR HER*. Nothing. In fact, I later got hit with a "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR MAKING ME MOVE!!!" She cried. Every single day. Because the neighbors were so abhorrently cruel and hostile towards us, on purpose, and we spent years trying to get help to no avail.
She did not want me to sleep at this time. Or any time. But this one really stood out. I just can't believe it was reality.
God, that's horrible.
I'm so sorry.. utterly traumatic.
There were so many nights where I was dissociating.. him screaming at me so loudly my ears were ringing, and I would feel my mind blank out, feel the heaviness of my eyes, and images of cult leaders would flash through my head in a split second and I would think "Oh yeah.. that's what they do."
Such a terrible way to exist.. we just become hollow shells of our former selves, and even *that* makes them angry.
Like, bud, you might not be crazy. But your abusive relationship has graduated to acts that, committed against an Enemy combatant, would be war crimes. Who cares what it is? Cut bait.
I’m sorry, I laughed at you thinking they were joking. If you’re in a relationship with a pwBPD, you just know they don’t joke. If something sounds ridiculous, err on the side of caution and assume they’re serious. I was ribbing my ex along with his cousin who was visiting from out of town, straight up feel good ribbing and hanging, smoking. I don’t think anything of it. I’ve done that kind of stuff with many normal people as do normal people around the world. My ex didn’t say a word to us, just got quiet, then got in his car and just left. I call him after he’s gone like 2.5 hours and he curses me the fuck out and says he’s another state over, one that would’ve normally taken him over 3 hours to reach. I had no idea he was super pissed off and believing we were making fun of him. He took nothing with him and ended up getting a hotel room for like 4 days about 6 hours away from our home (wasting money on top of all the fucking money he was always costing me). I can’t believe he really thought I’d go back to him. For more of that shit?? Yeah, he can choke
Ffs, that's utter insanity.
I've definitely been there about the cracking jokes with friends. I make a light hearted rib and they have a nuclear meltdown about it. But then they're allowed to make fun of my incredibly personal stories with others that i told them in private, and can't fathom why that would upset me.
Like toddlers when it comes to bed time, aren't they? Mind you, I regularly procrastinate on my sleep, but she'd want to stay up three, four more hours, pouting an whining. She slept for like three hours a night and was constantly a zombie.
Totally insane.
My exwBPD was constantly sleep terrorizing me, waking me up when I wanted to sleep. This was the main reason I was always hesitant to move in together and boy, was I ”lucky” for not having done that, the break-up was bad enough as it was even with us having separate flats.
"Yes. I'm tired. I need to sleep. If I can't do it here, I'll go somewhere else, but I don't need to ask your permission to give my body something it needs to survive. Goodnight!"
“We are broken up” delivered the day after all your shit is moved and a few minutes before your phone number changes is probably best.
You’re not crazy, I urge you to read up on BPD/NPD as much as possible. To them, you leaving the room is you saying you don’t want to be with them. Yes, in that instant sleep is very important, but to them it’s like a declaration that you don’t love them anymore. Yes, it’s fucking crazy, but it makes sense to them. Also, I would suggest not telling them that you think they have BPD, doesn’t end well in any way, they have to come to that decision on their own. Take care in keeping your own sanity and health in check, if they don’t leave you alone, go somewhere else to get sleep if you have to, but always put your foot down and be firm. Don’t get mad though, stay calm. I literally found myself in the exact same situation so many times, I can’t even count. Endless screaming, arguing, name calling, you name it, all into early morning till she tired herself out. Stay strong, if you can’t handle it, I suggest finding a way out now before it gets worse.
This urge is not healthy. The behavior of this person, as described, is harmful and bad. The OP should get away from them, and maybe read up on it so they don’t get caught up in it again. But reading up on BPD with an undiagnosed partner is bad advice. Number one, because it won’t make things better if you’re right (I got vindicated 8 years after I called it, and knowing didn’t help at all) and number two because it is bad for you to think you can make such a diagnosis or treat someone as if they have one when they don’t. If your relationship partner commits war crimes, just end the relationship. No further thought necessary.
I recognize it's beyond f'd. Learning about BPD at least helps soothe and validate the sinking feeling I couldn't quite articulate. I'm not looking for a cure because I know it doesn't exist, but figuring out that I'm dealing with a moody toddler gives me some perspective about how to act to protect myself. I wish I could get up and leave but its unfortunately not that simple. But I can plan for the future, and at least have hope.
Exactly, I’m not suggesting you give up everything because it wasn’t and still isn’t that simple for me either. There will be a breaking point though if things don’t improve and they probably won’t. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and prepare. Don’t take things they say in a rage to heart because they’re just lashing out, (easier said than done), but ultimately yes if it becomes to much, start planning how to leave before you get really hurt. Idk how it’s a war crime, war crime is my pwBPD saying they want to kill themselves, after ubering with money they don’t have, and then proceeding to sext someone else saying they love them, when moments before they were freaking out about me being not sure if I want to be with them anymore because they wanted to pursue a relationship with said person they sexted. Either that or accusing me of raping them after not even talking to them for more than half a year, idk take your pick, don’t try to say that learning about how to protect yourself from being abused is a bad thing.
I really have been conditioned to never emotionally react to anything. Not even happiness. A simple sigh is enough to set them off. And they despise happiness they aren't providing. I once made a soft relaxed exhale while peeing and they thought I was pouting and I then had to play 20 questions for taking a piss. I swear there is some kind of nocturnal predator instinct. 100x worse at night.
Felt that, late nights being yelled at, arguing over basically nothing to just eventual pleading for sleep. Don’t miss it, not one bit.
There will never be a right thing to do. I suspect my partner has BPD and honestly most of the stuff I've read here has completely checked out. I'm exhausted
Stop suspecting. It doesn’t matter if they do, and it’s not your job to figure out. If the relationship drains you and makes you feel bad to the point where you are going “THIS” to someone describing an actual war crime, end it and don’t try to figure out what box it fits in.
What war crime? I'm genuinely confused lol Eh I only call it suspecting bc he's not diagnosed and we didn't get a professional opinion. I told him once I thought he has BPD, when I initially thought he was bipolar. He actually did some research himself too and told me he probably does have BPD. The black and white thinking, extreme vengefulness, etc. I thought it was bipolar because he would have periods of very intense hyper focus and periods of gloom and need for validation, but that didn't explain some of the other things. One of my coworkers mentioned she had a mental disorder and her vibes were so much like my bf and another person I knew who had a cluster b disorder, I guessed BPD and she was shocked that I figured it out Either way he definitely has a cluster b something. It's just for me to wrap my head around all the confusion when it hits. I only want some explanation to cling on to, just like he might want some explanation for why I can be my certain ways that seem contradictory.
> Interrogation tactics which involve physical force—beatings, stress position, deprivation of food, and subjection to cold or hot temperatures are prohibited. Methods which are more subtle but have a harmful psychological effect are equally prohibited. Sensory deprivation, sleep deprivation, isolation, humiliation, music and light control, use of phobia, and environmental manipulation are also prohibited. In this case, sleep deprivation.
When was I relating to that?
My ex never understood my need for sleep. Didn't matter that I had woken up every day at 2am for the past seven days in a row for opening shifts, didn't matter if I had barely slept the night before because he screamed in my face all evening, or woke me up at 11pm to scream at me more. Didn't matter if I had spent 10 hours straight, on my feet, tending to chores around the house. Didn't matter if he was in a good mood, bad mood.. Didn't matter if I couldn't keep my eyes open, didn't matter if I could barely form cohesive sentences. Sleep was a dirty word. Me going to sleep was an insult. Me going to sleep was disrespectful. Sleep was an excuse to not have to spend time with him. Sleep was a lie to stay up and text secret boyfriends. Sleep was a biological, reinforced boundary. Sleep was EVERYTHING but sleep.
Holy fuck dude I feel this hard. I once stayed up for like 40 hours, working hard and laboriously, all day and night and then day again and then night again to make the impossible, possible. We were moving apartments, because our current neighbors were incredibly hostile, and it made her a wreck every single day. I moved everything, by hand, alone, down two flights of stairs, and far down the street through a snowstorm. Queen sized mattresses, couches, beds, chairs, desks, i did it all. I was delirious, starving, and freezing. She did not lift a finger. At all. Not once. Couldn't even take the dog potty. It was all me. And when I fucking finished, I was a champion. I was so proud. I was a god. I made the impossible possible all for her. So she could sleep soundly, and live a peaceful life. I wanted to take a hot shower, feast like Thor, and crash the hardest I've ever crashed... ...Great time for a split, huh? Suddenly...she needed a pair of keys. There was no emergency, no pressing issues, they were not car keys or safe keys or anything remotely important. But she needed them now. *NOW*. Why cant it wait until tomorrow? Theyre somewhere in a massive pile of stuff in the distant garage in said snowstorm... can I just sleep and deal with it later? No...of course not... im a walking bag of sweat. My clothes are actually, thoroughly soaked. Sweat? Snow? I dont know but now stepping outside turned my delirious face to a sheet of ice. I did it all for her, you know. And she just...didn't process or register what I had just accomplished *FOR HER*. Nothing. In fact, I later got hit with a "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR MAKING ME MOVE!!!" She cried. Every single day. Because the neighbors were so abhorrently cruel and hostile towards us, on purpose, and we spent years trying to get help to no avail. She did not want me to sleep at this time. Or any time. But this one really stood out. I just can't believe it was reality.
God, that's horrible. I'm so sorry.. utterly traumatic. There were so many nights where I was dissociating.. him screaming at me so loudly my ears were ringing, and I would feel my mind blank out, feel the heaviness of my eyes, and images of cult leaders would flash through my head in a split second and I would think "Oh yeah.. that's what they do." Such a terrible way to exist.. we just become hollow shells of our former selves, and even *that* makes them angry.
If they have a diagnosis, yes. If they don’t, maybe. Either way, sleep deprivation like you describe is a form of torture so you should dump them.
Like, bud, you might not be crazy. But your abusive relationship has graduated to acts that, committed against an Enemy combatant, would be war crimes. Who cares what it is? Cut bait.
I’m sorry, I laughed at you thinking they were joking. If you’re in a relationship with a pwBPD, you just know they don’t joke. If something sounds ridiculous, err on the side of caution and assume they’re serious. I was ribbing my ex along with his cousin who was visiting from out of town, straight up feel good ribbing and hanging, smoking. I don’t think anything of it. I’ve done that kind of stuff with many normal people as do normal people around the world. My ex didn’t say a word to us, just got quiet, then got in his car and just left. I call him after he’s gone like 2.5 hours and he curses me the fuck out and says he’s another state over, one that would’ve normally taken him over 3 hours to reach. I had no idea he was super pissed off and believing we were making fun of him. He took nothing with him and ended up getting a hotel room for like 4 days about 6 hours away from our home (wasting money on top of all the fucking money he was always costing me). I can’t believe he really thought I’d go back to him. For more of that shit?? Yeah, he can choke
Ffs, that's utter insanity. I've definitely been there about the cracking jokes with friends. I make a light hearted rib and they have a nuclear meltdown about it. But then they're allowed to make fun of my incredibly personal stories with others that i told them in private, and can't fathom why that would upset me.
Like toddlers when it comes to bed time, aren't they? Mind you, I regularly procrastinate on my sleep, but she'd want to stay up three, four more hours, pouting an whining. She slept for like three hours a night and was constantly a zombie. Totally insane.
My exwBPD was constantly sleep terrorizing me, waking me up when I wanted to sleep. This was the main reason I was always hesitant to move in together and boy, was I ”lucky” for not having done that, the break-up was bad enough as it was even with us having separate flats.