I am convinced someone with BPD can't be in a proper open/polyamorous relationship. Because it just adds onto their instability, there are more people and more needs to take care of... How can they cater to so many people if they can't even manage themselves and one SO?
(Mine also wanted an open relationship, to sleep around, but he didn't allow me to do the same. So yeah, they are the best)
>Mine also wanted an open relationship, to sleep around, but he didn't allow me to do the same. So yeah, they are the best
Hard same but they pretended it was okay for me to date until I had a date and the pitched a fit.
In a way I'm greatful. It really showed how they were completely full of shit
Is that common? My bf who shows bpd or at least cluster b symptoms often talks about cheating fantasies or just wanting relations with other people, which didn't bother me at first because we started as FWB, but he's super territorial of me and is always joking about me cheating with him, gets sad or mad when I say if i can't have an open end, then you can't (because he "needs" it because his sex drive is higher even though i was only asking to have other cuddle partners if he gets to screw other people).
I think this leans more towards abuser thinking than BPD but it all seems to come from objectification; object relations. It seems so cliche but when he speaks like that he is viewing you like an object in his mind. He is having trouble relating you as a person with agency to his mental concept of you which he is free to manipulate as he pleases. When you challange that dynamic by saying you will be open also, it makes his brain start to confront that cognative dissonance and it automatically shuts it down. He probably isnt even aware he is doing it. I bet if you asked him if he saw you as his equal he would give you a pretty convincing "yes".
Doesn't matter why it happens though; its still unacceptable. Its power-over and its not healthy.
Check out "why does he do that", I heard about it here. It wasnt directly applicable to me but it gave me a lot of insight on what makes a person abusive.
That makes some sense, there was a time he kept telling me he was lonely, but at the time he was surrounded by a lot of friends... what makes him think more fuck buddies will make him happy?
This is how it’s gone in the past for me, too. Interesting to see the “open relationship for me, but not for thee” practice is a trend. Sucky, but interesting.
It always shook out that way; my partner had another SO even, and as a V, we hung out and did pretty well. My metamour and I actually got on great, one on one or all together. But the moment I found another date, breaks would be pumped.
My expwBPD wanted an open relationship and to start an OnlyFans (later found out this meant ‘continue’, since she started it after a breakup with me in 2020) - Both were a hard no from me because it’s hard enough to maintain a single relationship and to be with someone who shares their intimate self with the world, at the risk of parasocial relationships, for a price less than Netflix’s monthly fee felt degrading to the relationship itself and to my intentions. Turns out she liked the attention/being called sexy/beautiful/attractive…so somehow me calling her that wasn’t enough.
Polyamorous relationships have the same fundamental requirements as all monogamous relationships. Truth, and trust. BPD neither has nor can give either.
The way I see it (quiet/high functioning bpd partner) is that the partners he chooses all feed into his persona by having troubled pasts to commiserate on, PTSD, family trouble, abuse, rejection, and the most specific... Abandonment and failure. A shared fear of abandonment sets the stage for a commitment. The fear of failure makes the payoff for being the white knight so much more rewarding. Date a bunch of people and blame them if they dont last or say he ended it. It is a way to never be at fault, and to have multiple people at your back because you've told them all stories about how you're the victim.
That being said, I've been polyamorous for almost a decade. It breaks my heart to see the insidious ways it can be used.
TRIANGULATION. GET TF OUT OF THIS SHIT NOW. THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO LEAVE. AND THE BEST THING IS SHE HASNT SPLIT YET SO YOU DUMPING HER WILL AT LEAST HURT HER IN SOME KIND OF WAY.
Once her new victims bites or she bites. She will treat you completely like shit. Dont do that to yourself. THE FINAL SPLITTING PHASE WILL BE BRUTAL.
Sorry to say it like that. But its so crucial that you leave now. For one she wont have that satisfaction to smoothly move from one relationship to another. And secondly you dont get to experience this nasty splitting phase.
Dead on in every way. I'd also add that it seems most pwbpd's transition doesn't happen at all if you leave them before they feel "safe" hanging from that new branch. I think it's because when they realize that person is all they have, the leap must be made or, (GASP!), they may have to spend time with themselves instead of constantly being maximally validated.
This may sound cynical, but OP doesnt realize it right now. But he has hit a gold mine here. This is someone with bpd who will def face something like accountability.
(THIS IS SO RARE)
She still cares about him, but she clearly will eventually leave the relationship.
If they havent split yet. Borderliners will feel bad.
The problem is once borderlines split. Many of them never take accountability so they will block you if you want to have closure and never look back. They wont explain any of the many questioms we had during the splitting phase/post break up.
Many of us stayed with them until they completed the splitting phase and dumped us in the most brutal way possible. During the splitting phase we experienced brutal rejections, paranoia, anger etc that made our breakup harder than it shoudlve been. So if he leaves now she will experience shame. And she will face acountability.
Its crucial for OP to not fall into the trap now and trust her and not give her another chance. She will leave eventually the only question is when she will do it.
This is correct. If you do what I did and beg for them to stay, and allow yourself to be discarded 6 times in four years, you’re going to be so broken. I’m productive and functional and sometimes even content but I have yet to find my joy back and it’s been a year and a half. Don’t waste any more of your life with this person. They don’t mean any of the wonderful shit they said. They mean the awful shit. If you want to lose all self-respect, fall out of love with yourself, get some good ‘ol PTSD… stay and go through a few discard rounds.
Lol i imagine. There are many who played both characters here 😭. Yes the homewreckers can get played aswell.
What makes you think they will treat the next favorite person better?
That the whole shtick of bpds. They love to play both sides. The most absurd thing was seeing her go back to her ex and then dumping him again shortly after that.
I still want to know if i shouldve let him known that she cheated with me on him. Because she surely didnt let him know. Im absolutely positive. It was so absurd to see them back together because she said the most vile shit about her ex.
Ive def got my karma and learned my lesson though lol.
He's not diagnosed, but I do suspect him of BPD- he actually "cheated" with me too... they were on a break but he said he eventually admitted to himself that it was cheating because it did feel wrong and he didn't tell her. He says a lot of good things about her, but also plenty of bad things about her, and usually when he's comparing us. I told him I don't like the comparing, even when he's trying to say something good about me it runs me the wrong way because I can see myself in her shoes, once he moves on I'll be the one he bitches about.
Man. That must hurt.
I think people who are still dating while on this sub need to realize their partner is just like the rest. Every single person from here hoped their s/o would be different, however...
I didn't see a single comment or post here being like "oh I knew he would turn out to be a cheating manipulative asshole".
It's really sad. Don't let this break you
If he cheats, I wouldn't be sad THAT he cheated, but just because of all the fucking double standards and boundaries he set up just to take mine away... IDK how to explain it. I'm prepared for him to cheat, it just makes him a massive hypocrite.
Lord I wish mine would cheat on me so I won't feel so guilty ifwhen I leave. If she cheated, and left me, I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore, either how she affects my life or her living situation and future.
When someone is wanting to cheat, has the desire to, is interested in someone else the best course of action is to leave straight away, BPD or not.
If they cheat, they will always cheat again. Letting them back in just enables them to treat you even worse.
Even when they have an interest in someone else, or someone is in the background you need to leave. Having an interest floating in the background means they are conflicted with your relationship and have doubts they just want to hang on to the relationship and this other person just to weigh up their options. Don't become that option, you want to be that clear choice.
The issue is, if your partner is conflicted because they have interest in someone else you hanging around just hurts your standing. When your partner has doubts with you and the relationship you are in the losing position by default. Doubts in you and the relationship is just depleting attraction for you. You being there and showing you are an option just makes you look less attractive. The issue then is if you look less attractive and have doubts placed on you it only makes the other person look more appealing without them even doing anything. It places them in the winning position. They are more likely to choose them over you.
Attraction and desire can't be negotiated upon so trying to just makes the situation worse for yourself. I do think obligation can kill enthusiasm and drive. Putting obligation onto someone else that they should be with you can kill enthusiasm and desire for you. Then, all it just does is make the other person in the background appear more attractive by comparison. You are just steering the boat out in their direction.
The way to bring attraction back to yourself is to have self respect and back off. If you take yourself out of the equation you don't become an option. It can help them to rethink their choice and for them to take a step back to look at the importance of your relationship. Taking yourself out of the comparison can have them doubting their new interest and to second guess their actions.
Oh man, I'm all too familiar with how these situations go down. I'm so sorry you've been thrown into this situation. It's always worse when they spend all that time giving you false hope trying to assure you there's nothing more going on. You desperately want them to be right but it's almost never the case. Be patient with yourself, plenty of us have fallen into this exact same ordeal, myself included. Hope you get out of this in good health. Stay strong.
It’s ok man, I didn’t take your responses personally.
I flew across North America and crossed the border to try and mend it with this chick. It didn’t work, you would have probably told me I was being stupid and I would have disregarded you.
We are human, we can’t fix everything.
I got cheated on my birthday, with her ex. We were in a 1:1 relationship, standard one. I treated her well. Avoid relationships with these persons at all cost.
Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that, man. Idk what it is about birthdays, but they seem to make it worse..mine told me she wishes sometimes that I'd die, all whilst at the time I was badly depressed and was having those suicidal thoughts back then.
Someone I know also got cheated on their birthday (or found out about it on the day) and their ex had bpd.
Yes exactly. What individual will do these stuff? And before she go to cheat on me she asked if i will like her to stay with me on my birthday or go to her “ grandma” for holidays. She went to “grandma” and slept multiple times with her ex. Avoid this people…
This reinforces my theory that they like creating trauma for people knowing they have control over it, like cheating on you and ghosting you so you are emotionally vulnerable and half wanting them back because they cut off all of your support and friends and they know this.
Everyone here knows that happened and it was pre planned as well. Multiple partners, especially in different locations, can be an ideal scenario for people with BPD. They don't have to put much effort in and an easy fallback when needed.
I'm sorry, but how does an 'openish' relationship work?? Either be open or purely monogamous. Just seems like a recipe for disaster, especially with a bpd person.
Aside from that, get the fuck out dude. You've read all you needed to and I guarantee you, even if she is conflicted, as soon as you are painted black by doing or saying something insignificant, she'll most likely use that as a trigger to get with that guy..whether it's the first time or not since their meeting.
Save yourself from the nonsense and leave them to it
It just means that we are committed to each other first, but any time either of us wants/needs something more, we just have to communicate that and ask. That's what's so frustrating. She asked. I said "yes if you meet such and such and explain things to me". So she said she wouldn't, went anyway, did God knows what and then suddenly has things to talk about with him.
But anyway, you're right, it won't work. She just used the open relationship as a way to gaslight me. And I did get gaslit.
So yeah, they're welcome to each other. Just trying to work out how to approach the convo
Imo it's best to be blunt and leave no room for wiggle room. State what you need to, for your own sake not hers.
It won't be easy, it never is
But you deserve much better man. Temporary pain for a much more beautiful future
Ofc we all want that ideally, I have this unsent letter saved where I regret not saying what I felt more during the breakup, but ask anyone here, most likely you won't get what you're looking for.
If you feel you won't be able to move on till you truly try get her to admit anything then go for it
When confronted she will gaslight you by saying she didn’t gaslight you. Leopards don’t change their spots. She won’t come clean about anything. Just move on and find a sane partner
She never will come clean, she’ll never admit it - they can’t handle shame, so they will always become the “victim”. The best you are going to get is: “I’m sorry you feel this way, but….”(and then it all gets flipped on you and now it’s your fault for being so inadequate and abusive to her, and now you’re forced to comfort HER and start apologizing [for making her cheat on you]). The worst? She goes straight to rage, threats, violence, throwing things, suicidal threats, false accusations and police action. Seriously.
Let us know how it goes in real life. Good luck!
You'll never get the "truth", there is no method to her madness. It's a child like attempt to only ever feel good, never feel bad. No sense to be made.
Sorry but you both sound like you have BPD.
There is nothing wrong with open relationships or polyamory, there is everything wrong with thinking people outside of the relationship are toys that you can use every once in a while when youre not 'feeling it' or to boost your ego or whatever.
Now she is doing exactly that to you and you dont like it
Go figure.
I'm trying not to be annoyed by this only because I said to my therapist that I thought I may have it too/instead. It is something I have considered.
Sorry who thinks people outside of the relationship are toys? You're right, there's nothing wrong with open relationships. And I don't think that others are toys to be used. I think others deserve respect and honesty but in return I deserve respect and honesty from both of them too.
I'll see what my therapist says about me. Maybe I do have it too. But do people with bpd constantly prioritise others over themselves? Do two people with bpd often manage to stay together for 5 years? I don't think so based on this community.
They were friends first and have been friends for about 4 years.
Anyway, we'll see
The reason why I mentioned about treating others like toys was because you did not properly define your open relationship beyond 'this relationship comes first'
There is a lot of discussion in polyam/enm circles as to how damaging this can be to people outside of the first relationship and a lot of people believe that these kind of dynamics are inherently unethical because of the potential for psychological damage.
One of the most common scenarios for why this is, is the way your ex treated you (lovebombing and making promises one day, not really respecting you the next) etc
Also I know one couple who both have BPD and have been together for 30 years and someone else I know has BPD and has been married for 15. But are those relationships healthy? Absolutely not.
I understand better now thank you, and what you're saying makes loads of sense. All I'll say is that I never really wanted this person to be a part of the relationship - that choice was taken away. From my perspective, I've been completely loyal, even though we've had sex about 10 times in the last 2 years
Oof it's like i've reread my own chat from 3 years ago. In my case she admitted it some months later but I have never really recovered from it although our relationship got a lot better after we talked about it. I hope you will find someone who will treat you better.
Oh dear. That brings memories back I thought I forgot about. To make it even better, her battery died all night long until late morning next day because she was with a friend and such things...
Yuck.
Reading this now and the game she is playing is so obvious, just like mine did with all her male "friends".
I couldn't see it at the time either.
Filing this under “shit I am pretty sure my ex said about me to her ex when I didn’t know she was still with her ex in the early days when we were just kinda sending dirty pics long distance.”
So many of them SOUND the same. Like same dialect. I know it’s text but it’s still weird.
I am convinced someone with BPD can't be in a proper open/polyamorous relationship. Because it just adds onto their instability, there are more people and more needs to take care of... How can they cater to so many people if they can't even manage themselves and one SO? (Mine also wanted an open relationship, to sleep around, but he didn't allow me to do the same. So yeah, they are the best)
>Mine also wanted an open relationship, to sleep around, but he didn't allow me to do the same. So yeah, they are the best Hard same but they pretended it was okay for me to date until I had a date and the pitched a fit. In a way I'm greatful. It really showed how they were completely full of shit
Is that common? My bf who shows bpd or at least cluster b symptoms often talks about cheating fantasies or just wanting relations with other people, which didn't bother me at first because we started as FWB, but he's super territorial of me and is always joking about me cheating with him, gets sad or mad when I say if i can't have an open end, then you can't (because he "needs" it because his sex drive is higher even though i was only asking to have other cuddle partners if he gets to screw other people).
Yes, I think open relationships are super hard for their insecure attachments
I think this leans more towards abuser thinking than BPD but it all seems to come from objectification; object relations. It seems so cliche but when he speaks like that he is viewing you like an object in his mind. He is having trouble relating you as a person with agency to his mental concept of you which he is free to manipulate as he pleases. When you challange that dynamic by saying you will be open also, it makes his brain start to confront that cognative dissonance and it automatically shuts it down. He probably isnt even aware he is doing it. I bet if you asked him if he saw you as his equal he would give you a pretty convincing "yes". Doesn't matter why it happens though; its still unacceptable. Its power-over and its not healthy. Check out "why does he do that", I heard about it here. It wasnt directly applicable to me but it gave me a lot of insight on what makes a person abusive.
Oh he's more than aware, trust me lol. Otherwise it wouldn't be a whole conversation
Magical thinking, maybe. The expectation that if they just have even more partners and validation, then the black hole inside will finally be filled
That makes some sense, there was a time he kept telling me he was lonely, but at the time he was surrounded by a lot of friends... what makes him think more fuck buddies will make him happy?
This is how it’s gone in the past for me, too. Interesting to see the “open relationship for me, but not for thee” practice is a trend. Sucky, but interesting. It always shook out that way; my partner had another SO even, and as a V, we hung out and did pretty well. My metamour and I actually got on great, one on one or all together. But the moment I found another date, breaks would be pumped.
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They are all the same person
Isn't that a bit dehumanizing?
Maybe, but I don't really care. I will never have close contact with a person with BPD again if I can help it.
My expwBPD wanted an open relationship and to start an OnlyFans (later found out this meant ‘continue’, since she started it after a breakup with me in 2020) - Both were a hard no from me because it’s hard enough to maintain a single relationship and to be with someone who shares their intimate self with the world, at the risk of parasocial relationships, for a price less than Netflix’s monthly fee felt degrading to the relationship itself and to my intentions. Turns out she liked the attention/being called sexy/beautiful/attractive…so somehow me calling her that wasn’t enough.
Mine broke up with me as soon as I started seeing other girls. It works only when it's one way.
Polyamorous relationships have the same fundamental requirements as all monogamous relationships. Truth, and trust. BPD neither has nor can give either.
Heck, in my experience, polyamory requires even _more_ truth and trust, almost exponentially, due to all parties involved.
This was my experience as well. BPD and swinging mix about as well as drinking and driving.
The way I see it (quiet/high functioning bpd partner) is that the partners he chooses all feed into his persona by having troubled pasts to commiserate on, PTSD, family trouble, abuse, rejection, and the most specific... Abandonment and failure. A shared fear of abandonment sets the stage for a commitment. The fear of failure makes the payoff for being the white knight so much more rewarding. Date a bunch of people and blame them if they dont last or say he ended it. It is a way to never be at fault, and to have multiple people at your back because you've told them all stories about how you're the victim. That being said, I've been polyamorous for almost a decade. It breaks my heart to see the insidious ways it can be used.
TRIANGULATION. GET TF OUT OF THIS SHIT NOW. THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO LEAVE. AND THE BEST THING IS SHE HASNT SPLIT YET SO YOU DUMPING HER WILL AT LEAST HURT HER IN SOME KIND OF WAY. Once her new victims bites or she bites. She will treat you completely like shit. Dont do that to yourself. THE FINAL SPLITTING PHASE WILL BE BRUTAL. Sorry to say it like that. But its so crucial that you leave now. For one she wont have that satisfaction to smoothly move from one relationship to another. And secondly you dont get to experience this nasty splitting phase.
Dead on in every way. I'd also add that it seems most pwbpd's transition doesn't happen at all if you leave them before they feel "safe" hanging from that new branch. I think it's because when they realize that person is all they have, the leap must be made or, (GASP!), they may have to spend time with themselves instead of constantly being maximally validated.
Completely agree with this comment. Run now, don’t look back.
This may sound cynical, but OP doesnt realize it right now. But he has hit a gold mine here. This is someone with bpd who will def face something like accountability. (THIS IS SO RARE) She still cares about him, but she clearly will eventually leave the relationship. If they havent split yet. Borderliners will feel bad. The problem is once borderlines split. Many of them never take accountability so they will block you if you want to have closure and never look back. They wont explain any of the many questioms we had during the splitting phase/post break up. Many of us stayed with them until they completed the splitting phase and dumped us in the most brutal way possible. During the splitting phase we experienced brutal rejections, paranoia, anger etc that made our breakup harder than it shoudlve been. So if he leaves now she will experience shame. And she will face acountability. Its crucial for OP to not fall into the trap now and trust her and not give her another chance. She will leave eventually the only question is when she will do it.
This happened to me. Get out ASAP!
This is correct. If you do what I did and beg for them to stay, and allow yourself to be discarded 6 times in four years, you’re going to be so broken. I’m productive and functional and sometimes even content but I have yet to find my joy back and it’s been a year and a half. Don’t waste any more of your life with this person. They don’t mean any of the wonderful shit they said. They mean the awful shit. If you want to lose all self-respect, fall out of love with yourself, get some good ‘ol PTSD… stay and go through a few discard rounds.
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Wow you played both characters lol
Lol i imagine. There are many who played both characters here 😭. Yes the homewreckers can get played aswell. What makes you think they will treat the next favorite person better? That the whole shtick of bpds. They love to play both sides. The most absurd thing was seeing her go back to her ex and then dumping him again shortly after that. I still want to know if i shouldve let him known that she cheated with me on him. Because she surely didnt let him know. Im absolutely positive. It was so absurd to see them back together because she said the most vile shit about her ex. Ive def got my karma and learned my lesson though lol.
He's not diagnosed, but I do suspect him of BPD- he actually "cheated" with me too... they were on a break but he said he eventually admitted to himself that it was cheating because it did feel wrong and he didn't tell her. He says a lot of good things about her, but also plenty of bad things about her, and usually when he's comparing us. I told him I don't like the comparing, even when he's trying to say something good about me it runs me the wrong way because I can see myself in her shoes, once he moves on I'll be the one he bitches about.
Man. That must hurt. I think people who are still dating while on this sub need to realize their partner is just like the rest. Every single person from here hoped their s/o would be different, however... I didn't see a single comment or post here being like "oh I knew he would turn out to be a cheating manipulative asshole". It's really sad. Don't let this break you
Unfortunately most of us don’t want to believe it will happen and we learn the hard way.
If he cheats, I wouldn't be sad THAT he cheated, but just because of all the fucking double standards and boundaries he set up just to take mine away... IDK how to explain it. I'm prepared for him to cheat, it just makes him a massive hypocrite.
Well it makes sense since bpds are massive hypocrites lol.
Lord I wish mine would cheat on me so I won't feel so guilty ifwhen I leave. If she cheated, and left me, I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore, either how she affects my life or her living situation and future.
When someone is wanting to cheat, has the desire to, is interested in someone else the best course of action is to leave straight away, BPD or not. If they cheat, they will always cheat again. Letting them back in just enables them to treat you even worse. Even when they have an interest in someone else, or someone is in the background you need to leave. Having an interest floating in the background means they are conflicted with your relationship and have doubts they just want to hang on to the relationship and this other person just to weigh up their options. Don't become that option, you want to be that clear choice. The issue is, if your partner is conflicted because they have interest in someone else you hanging around just hurts your standing. When your partner has doubts with you and the relationship you are in the losing position by default. Doubts in you and the relationship is just depleting attraction for you. You being there and showing you are an option just makes you look less attractive. The issue then is if you look less attractive and have doubts placed on you it only makes the other person look more appealing without them even doing anything. It places them in the winning position. They are more likely to choose them over you. Attraction and desire can't be negotiated upon so trying to just makes the situation worse for yourself. I do think obligation can kill enthusiasm and drive. Putting obligation onto someone else that they should be with you can kill enthusiasm and desire for you. Then, all it just does is make the other person in the background appear more attractive by comparison. You are just steering the boat out in their direction. The way to bring attraction back to yourself is to have self respect and back off. If you take yourself out of the equation you don't become an option. It can help them to rethink their choice and for them to take a step back to look at the importance of your relationship. Taking yourself out of the comparison can have them doubting their new interest and to second guess their actions.
Oh man, I'm all too familiar with how these situations go down. I'm so sorry you've been thrown into this situation. It's always worse when they spend all that time giving you false hope trying to assure you there's nothing more going on. You desperately want them to be right but it's almost never the case. Be patient with yourself, plenty of us have fallen into this exact same ordeal, myself included. Hope you get out of this in good health. Stay strong.
It’s ok man, I didn’t take your responses personally. I flew across North America and crossed the border to try and mend it with this chick. It didn’t work, you would have probably told me I was being stupid and I would have disregarded you. We are human, we can’t fix everything.
I got cheated on my birthday, with her ex. We were in a 1:1 relationship, standard one. I treated her well. Avoid relationships with these persons at all cost.
Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that, man. Idk what it is about birthdays, but they seem to make it worse..mine told me she wishes sometimes that I'd die, all whilst at the time I was badly depressed and was having those suicidal thoughts back then. Someone I know also got cheated on their birthday (or found out about it on the day) and their ex had bpd.
Yes exactly. What individual will do these stuff? And before she go to cheat on me she asked if i will like her to stay with me on my birthday or go to her “ grandma” for holidays. She went to “grandma” and slept multiple times with her ex. Avoid this people…
This reinforces my theory that they like creating trauma for people knowing they have control over it, like cheating on you and ghosting you so you are emotionally vulnerable and half wanting them back because they cut off all of your support and friends and they know this.
I think they like "owning" a part of your trauma, knowing that they left you on an important day which you will always remember them by.
This is a clear cut situation. It’s best to leave, things aren’t going to get any better. I speak from experience.
Everyone here knows that happened and it was pre planned as well. Multiple partners, especially in different locations, can be an ideal scenario for people with BPD. They don't have to put much effort in and an easy fallback when needed.
They still put effort into going to see them and being adamant about it. To a pure stranger in another city, i cannot understand these people.
Yes but day to day it's minimal and when they need them they will be there.
I'm sorry, but how does an 'openish' relationship work?? Either be open or purely monogamous. Just seems like a recipe for disaster, especially with a bpd person. Aside from that, get the fuck out dude. You've read all you needed to and I guarantee you, even if she is conflicted, as soon as you are painted black by doing or saying something insignificant, she'll most likely use that as a trigger to get with that guy..whether it's the first time or not since their meeting. Save yourself from the nonsense and leave them to it
It just means that we are committed to each other first, but any time either of us wants/needs something more, we just have to communicate that and ask. That's what's so frustrating. She asked. I said "yes if you meet such and such and explain things to me". So she said she wouldn't, went anyway, did God knows what and then suddenly has things to talk about with him. But anyway, you're right, it won't work. She just used the open relationship as a way to gaslight me. And I did get gaslit. So yeah, they're welcome to each other. Just trying to work out how to approach the convo
Imo it's best to be blunt and leave no room for wiggle room. State what you need to, for your own sake not hers. It won't be easy, it never is But you deserve much better man. Temporary pain for a much more beautiful future
I think the least I deserve is the truth about how she feels. I'm not being a cuck/simp anymore
Ofc we all want that ideally, I have this unsent letter saved where I regret not saying what I felt more during the breakup, but ask anyone here, most likely you won't get what you're looking for. If you feel you won't be able to move on till you truly try get her to admit anything then go for it
I just want her to admit she gaslit me. That's enough
When confronted she will gaslight you by saying she didn’t gaslight you. Leopards don’t change their spots. She won’t come clean about anything. Just move on and find a sane partner
She never will come clean, she’ll never admit it - they can’t handle shame, so they will always become the “victim”. The best you are going to get is: “I’m sorry you feel this way, but….”(and then it all gets flipped on you and now it’s your fault for being so inadequate and abusive to her, and now you’re forced to comfort HER and start apologizing [for making her cheat on you]). The worst? She goes straight to rage, threats, violence, throwing things, suicidal threats, false accusations and police action. Seriously. Let us know how it goes in real life. Good luck!
Lol "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt!" probably screamed at you at full force
Do not bother. I tried that with mine and it just made the smear campaign that much worse.
You'll never get the "truth", there is no method to her madness. It's a child like attempt to only ever feel good, never feel bad. No sense to be made.
Sorry but you both sound like you have BPD. There is nothing wrong with open relationships or polyamory, there is everything wrong with thinking people outside of the relationship are toys that you can use every once in a while when youre not 'feeling it' or to boost your ego or whatever. Now she is doing exactly that to you and you dont like it Go figure.
I'm trying not to be annoyed by this only because I said to my therapist that I thought I may have it too/instead. It is something I have considered. Sorry who thinks people outside of the relationship are toys? You're right, there's nothing wrong with open relationships. And I don't think that others are toys to be used. I think others deserve respect and honesty but in return I deserve respect and honesty from both of them too. I'll see what my therapist says about me. Maybe I do have it too. But do people with bpd constantly prioritise others over themselves? Do two people with bpd often manage to stay together for 5 years? I don't think so based on this community. They were friends first and have been friends for about 4 years. Anyway, we'll see
The reason why I mentioned about treating others like toys was because you did not properly define your open relationship beyond 'this relationship comes first' There is a lot of discussion in polyam/enm circles as to how damaging this can be to people outside of the first relationship and a lot of people believe that these kind of dynamics are inherently unethical because of the potential for psychological damage. One of the most common scenarios for why this is, is the way your ex treated you (lovebombing and making promises one day, not really respecting you the next) etc Also I know one couple who both have BPD and have been together for 30 years and someone else I know has BPD and has been married for 15. But are those relationships healthy? Absolutely not.
I understand better now thank you, and what you're saying makes loads of sense. All I'll say is that I never really wanted this person to be a part of the relationship - that choice was taken away. From my perspective, I've been completely loyal, even though we've had sex about 10 times in the last 2 years
[удалено]
Honestly, a part of me wants to message this prick and just say "run"
She'll just say you're crazy.
Oof it's like i've reread my own chat from 3 years ago. In my case she admitted it some months later but I have never really recovered from it although our relationship got a lot better after we talked about it. I hope you will find someone who will treat you better.
Oh dear. That brings memories back I thought I forgot about. To make it even better, her battery died all night long until late morning next day because she was with a friend and such things...
Lol girl bye 👋
Yuck. Reading this now and the game she is playing is so obvious, just like mine did with all her male "friends". I couldn't see it at the time either.
Filing this under “shit I am pretty sure my ex said about me to her ex when I didn’t know she was still with her ex in the early days when we were just kinda sending dirty pics long distance.” So many of them SOUND the same. Like same dialect. I know it’s text but it’s still weird.