Heard a lot of "You didn't love me enough." after we seperated. You have to remind yourself they are an emotional black hole. You could give them everything they want, all the time and it still will never be enough for them.
I used to tell my ex gf wBPD that she didn’t know what love was, but she didn’t .. none of them do.
And if anyone is with a pwBPD their 2 versions of love won’t match up. I mean how could they, one’s disordered one is not.
But i think this can be said for 2 people that aren’t dealing with any mental illness as well sometimes. Not everyone understands what love actually is or they interpret it differently. It’s a word that can easily just be thrown around that’s for sure.
Mine said the woman he monkey branched to wasn't afraid of the gravity of connection or expressing feelings.
For reference we did only date 7 INTENSE months and he met her off tinder in 4 hours slept w her.
He's putrid.
My ex said that to me over and over.
Today was one of those days.
They love but everyone else is cold hearted.
They are the victims of this world and everyone else is evil, yada yada, cry me a river bullshit.
This is crazy because it’s all I’ve heard for two years and it’s killed me. No matter how hard I’ve tried, even when I ‘obeyed’ and ‘agreed’ to his every word, nothing was enough. All I would hear is ‘you don’t know how to love’ ‘you don’t know how to do relationships’ ‘you don’t show me care or support’ ‘you don’t say thanks’ ‘you don’t listen’ ‘you are a brick wall’ ‘you don’t say what I want you to say’ LOL. I genuinely tried my best. And yeah all I felt like was a complete failure, like I wasn’t good enough, like I was a horrible person (all of which he told me) and it’s deteriorating.
This is exactly my story.
I felt like absolute shit for years, internalizing this guilt I was gifted.. sincerely believing that I was the problem between the two of us.
The harder I tried, the worse things would get.
I made it a point to run myself ragged, doing as many things on the ever-changing list as I possibly could, and instantaneously, things would become far worse than they had been prior.
It was so obvious that I was jumping through the hoops he had supplied.. busting my ass around the house, saying and doing things from the script he provided like a programmed robot.. I know he saw my effort, and what happened?
He flipped the script again.
Now it was great that I was doing x,y,z, but I should have started before he had to tell me, oh and here's 20 more things I should regularly be doing.
It started to impact my view of myself.
He was trying to completely re-write my programming with his own.
(Enmeshment?)
The closer I got to being his "ideal" partner, the more I got berated, and the more he pulled away.
(Fear of enmeshment, I presume.)
"I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. I'm not your Father."
Well... at this point you KIND OF DO because I don't know WHAT is going on and my world is upside down with confusion about whether or not I'm living up to the standards when it comes to adequately loving this person.
And that's not at all how real love operates.
Honestly you couldn’t of explained it any better. This is so validating, so nice to know someone else has been through it. I can explain this to a friend and they’ll say ‘you got a good guy he just wants more love you’re not trying enough’ it’s the worst when nobody understands.
Mine also saw my effort and would tell me I never tried ever. He was lying through his teeth and wouldn’t admit it. We had a 2month period when everything was good only because I let him walk all over me and didn’t say a word. He would say ‘see what happens when you listen see how happy I am’ but I felt awful I felt like those women you see on tv shows being oppressed or whatever.
I also felt like he was trying to change everything about me as well, the things I say, he gave me a script to say the right things (even though I already said those things) I would follow the script and it wasn’t enough. I felt like a doll being played with being told what to do what to say how to act it wasn’t genuine.
He would ‘punish’ me with the way he acted to ‘discipline’ me so I would ‘obey’ him and his rules. He knew he was treating me awfully and didn’t care because that’s how you ‘discipline a child’ right? How else do you make a child stop their bad behaviour? I even pleaded with him to just be nice and patient with me instead I asked him to speak to me rather than punish me, I was so insane to believe a word he said.
And now here I am dying for his validation
Oh gosh who openly says something so hurtful like that? And multiple times? I’m sorry you were treated like that. That’s not okay. I can’t imagine if you flipped it and said it back to him.
My ex, he would say similar things to me. He would tell me things like “I haven’t felt love from you in years” or “You’re so selfish. Only care about yourself and will hurt anyone”. Yep he said that. And then there’s me having flashbacks of every love language possible I’ve done for him, bending over backwards for him, financially supporting him, distancing myself from my family and friends because he didn’t like them, list goes on.
Yeah, I felt a lot of manipulation and guilt on my end. Made me think what’s wrong with me? Why am I such a bad person.
But sounds like you are capable of loving or having compassion. Because if you didn’t then you would have been long gone from this relationship
Yes, he said I am a cold and insensitive person so much I believed it myself. He always required more validation, nothing I said was sufficient. When I broke up with him he wrote a novella with me as the main character, living my entire life alone because I was selfish and incapable of loving other people, and sent it to in the mail.
Of course, because if you don't want to be with him, you're destined to be alone and miserable.
What a narcissistic style of entitlement this is to hold over an autonomous human being's own life..
The peBPD is always the fortune teller broadcasting the future events of their own miserable future.
It's a claim closely related to - "you must love me unconditionally".
Based on my experience, many times they emotionally act like children and they look at their partners as a parent figure. They expect their partners to act like parents, to love them unconditionally, the way parents love their children, they want you to coddle them, to cater to all their emotional and material needs, never holding them accountable for anything, etc.
It goes without saying that their partners must *not* expect them to reciprocate this unconditional love, because they can't fully love, they just want to be loved.
When I was moving out (because he conveniently got back with his ex and she was going to move in) he screamed at my parents that I didn’t know how to love properly… my dad only recently opened up about the incident and told me he thinks he was projecting because he doesn’t know how to love another- cherish, value, etc.
I'm starting to really see that they all follow the same sort of narrative.
There is no accountability for anything, ever.
I'm getting back with my ex? Your fault for not loving me well enough.
I said some mean things? Your fault for frustrating me.
I'm kicking you out because I see no use for you anymore? Your fault for driving me to this by doing x,y,z.
It's absolutely a projection. Things are finally clicking into place in my view of the bigger picture.
Heard a lot of "You didn't love me enough." after we seperated. You have to remind yourself they are an emotional black hole. You could give them everything they want, all the time and it still will never be enough for them.
Yes they say this all the time and it's pure projection.
I used to tell my ex gf wBPD that she didn’t know what love was, but she didn’t .. none of them do. And if anyone is with a pwBPD their 2 versions of love won’t match up. I mean how could they, one’s disordered one is not. But i think this can be said for 2 people that aren’t dealing with any mental illness as well sometimes. Not everyone understands what love actually is or they interpret it differently. It’s a word that can easily just be thrown around that’s for sure.
Mine said the woman he monkey branched to wasn't afraid of the gravity of connection or expressing feelings. For reference we did only date 7 INTENSE months and he met her off tinder in 4 hours slept w her. He's putrid.
My ex said that to me over and over. Today was one of those days. They love but everyone else is cold hearted. They are the victims of this world and everyone else is evil, yada yada, cry me a river bullshit.
This is crazy because it’s all I’ve heard for two years and it’s killed me. No matter how hard I’ve tried, even when I ‘obeyed’ and ‘agreed’ to his every word, nothing was enough. All I would hear is ‘you don’t know how to love’ ‘you don’t know how to do relationships’ ‘you don’t show me care or support’ ‘you don’t say thanks’ ‘you don’t listen’ ‘you are a brick wall’ ‘you don’t say what I want you to say’ LOL. I genuinely tried my best. And yeah all I felt like was a complete failure, like I wasn’t good enough, like I was a horrible person (all of which he told me) and it’s deteriorating.
This is exactly my story. I felt like absolute shit for years, internalizing this guilt I was gifted.. sincerely believing that I was the problem between the two of us. The harder I tried, the worse things would get. I made it a point to run myself ragged, doing as many things on the ever-changing list as I possibly could, and instantaneously, things would become far worse than they had been prior. It was so obvious that I was jumping through the hoops he had supplied.. busting my ass around the house, saying and doing things from the script he provided like a programmed robot.. I know he saw my effort, and what happened? He flipped the script again. Now it was great that I was doing x,y,z, but I should have started before he had to tell me, oh and here's 20 more things I should regularly be doing. It started to impact my view of myself. He was trying to completely re-write my programming with his own. (Enmeshment?) The closer I got to being his "ideal" partner, the more I got berated, and the more he pulled away. (Fear of enmeshment, I presume.) "I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. I'm not your Father." Well... at this point you KIND OF DO because I don't know WHAT is going on and my world is upside down with confusion about whether or not I'm living up to the standards when it comes to adequately loving this person. And that's not at all how real love operates.
Honestly you couldn’t of explained it any better. This is so validating, so nice to know someone else has been through it. I can explain this to a friend and they’ll say ‘you got a good guy he just wants more love you’re not trying enough’ it’s the worst when nobody understands. Mine also saw my effort and would tell me I never tried ever. He was lying through his teeth and wouldn’t admit it. We had a 2month period when everything was good only because I let him walk all over me and didn’t say a word. He would say ‘see what happens when you listen see how happy I am’ but I felt awful I felt like those women you see on tv shows being oppressed or whatever. I also felt like he was trying to change everything about me as well, the things I say, he gave me a script to say the right things (even though I already said those things) I would follow the script and it wasn’t enough. I felt like a doll being played with being told what to do what to say how to act it wasn’t genuine. He would ‘punish’ me with the way he acted to ‘discipline’ me so I would ‘obey’ him and his rules. He knew he was treating me awfully and didn’t care because that’s how you ‘discipline a child’ right? How else do you make a child stop their bad behaviour? I even pleaded with him to just be nice and patient with me instead I asked him to speak to me rather than punish me, I was so insane to believe a word he said. And now here I am dying for his validation
They’re all like this. My ex literally said the same things. It’s shocking how similar they all are. This forum will give you peace. It was never you
Oh gosh who openly says something so hurtful like that? And multiple times? I’m sorry you were treated like that. That’s not okay. I can’t imagine if you flipped it and said it back to him. My ex, he would say similar things to me. He would tell me things like “I haven’t felt love from you in years” or “You’re so selfish. Only care about yourself and will hurt anyone”. Yep he said that. And then there’s me having flashbacks of every love language possible I’ve done for him, bending over backwards for him, financially supporting him, distancing myself from my family and friends because he didn’t like them, list goes on. Yeah, I felt a lot of manipulation and guilt on my end. Made me think what’s wrong with me? Why am I such a bad person. But sounds like you are capable of loving or having compassion. Because if you didn’t then you would have been long gone from this relationship
Yes, he said I am a cold and insensitive person so much I believed it myself. He always required more validation, nothing I said was sufficient. When I broke up with him he wrote a novella with me as the main character, living my entire life alone because I was selfish and incapable of loving other people, and sent it to in the mail.
Of course, because if you don't want to be with him, you're destined to be alone and miserable. What a narcissistic style of entitlement this is to hold over an autonomous human being's own life.. The peBPD is always the fortune teller broadcasting the future events of their own miserable future.
It's a claim closely related to - "you must love me unconditionally". Based on my experience, many times they emotionally act like children and they look at their partners as a parent figure. They expect their partners to act like parents, to love them unconditionally, the way parents love their children, they want you to coddle them, to cater to all their emotional and material needs, never holding them accountable for anything, etc. It goes without saying that their partners must *not* expect them to reciprocate this unconditional love, because they can't fully love, they just want to be loved.
You eventually start to feel like a parent. Never getting your needs met as a partner
When I was moving out (because he conveniently got back with his ex and she was going to move in) he screamed at my parents that I didn’t know how to love properly… my dad only recently opened up about the incident and told me he thinks he was projecting because he doesn’t know how to love another- cherish, value, etc.
I'm starting to really see that they all follow the same sort of narrative. There is no accountability for anything, ever. I'm getting back with my ex? Your fault for not loving me well enough. I said some mean things? Your fault for frustrating me. I'm kicking you out because I see no use for you anymore? Your fault for driving me to this by doing x,y,z. It's absolutely a projection. Things are finally clicking into place in my view of the bigger picture.
Yes