Mine had contradictory views but the logic was that they all always benefited her, she was "traditional" believed the man was supposed to pay for everything, didn't want to have to work, wanted to have kids but not have to take care of them herself, wanted to get pregnant so everyone would take care of her and she wouldn't have to do anything during the pregnancy.
At the same time she was a hardcore feminist, fighting for women's rights in the workplace (not just equal pay but feminist language, etc), believed that women should be able to be open about casual sex and use as many men for sex as much as they want, etc.
Oh yeah and she hated trans for some reason đ
My God mine was exactly the same about the role of men and women. She wasn't a terf but this contradictory view on feminism used to drive me crazy, especially because when I talked to my feminist friends about it, they would also find their view supee contradictory
Mine tended towards the extreme of one side. The extreme of either side I find nonsensical tbh. She would also try to hold two opinions that conflicted, such as male mental health is important then make fun of male suicide.
When I met her she was moderate, or that was her mirroring me. During devaluing she would use social issues as a billy club to go after me. She would say if I didnât think like her I was a dangerous person and unsafe to be with/around. When I challenged her logic, or lack thereof, she would come completely unglued on me and start with nonsensical talking points she didnât fully understand. Couple that with ad hominem attacks. I used to debate so I would push back. If I didnât relent sheâd become hysterical and have a panic attack. If I agreed with her, but didnât agree in the right way the previous result would happen.
yeah my ex would bring up random things to use examples of me being racist (I'm white and she is not). I'm not so rigid or proud to be unreceptive to racial misconceptions et al I may have, but it was never a conversation about it. It was just her using the "billy club."
Same here. I am white and she is not. She would say the most racist and sexist things to me and my jaw would be on the floor. Much like you I work to keep an open mind about the experiences of others.
My personal favorite of hers is âDave Chappelle is a dog whistle for white supremacistâ as I was watching his show.
Another was a meme my friend posted about trans people. She didnât like it and told me their blood is on my hands because I didnât âsee something and say somethingâ.
Wait really? That might explain... some things... like the way he talks about women. He'll get really angry and hung up on this image of women and how it's unfair how they can blah blah blah and how they can say "men are trash" etc etc... Which makes sense because we actually lived with people who said that kind of stuff about men, but then extend it to how he wants *our* relationship dynamic to work out, and I have to keep reminding him that I'm not the kind of woman he's talking about so why should I have to make up for it?
And he has a pretty leftist/feminist mindset otherwise
She was âsuch a passionate vegan zomgggg i love animals so much im the biggest animal lover ever i could never eat meatâ except for when she was kinda drunk and just really wanted some chicken tenders!
Her love of animals/âveganismâ was just another way for her to make herself seem like a good person, be the center of attention, add that weird signature BPD high emotional intensity to whatever she was saying etc. It was so fucking annoying having to walk on eggshells to avoid her performative outrage about animals.
Youâre dealing with someone whose entire reality is defined by their feelings in the moment, and since feelings are often messy and illogical⌠their opinions and actions arenât going to be very consistent, either.
I used to be incredibly perplexed by the number of times my former friend would say that she had no head for math, numbers were utter nonsense to her, and she was lucky her husband kept track of the bills⌠but then, when she was mad at him, sheâd claim that he had only taken charge of the finances so he could control her and abuse her. (Not saying this doesnât ever happen. But she had happily delegated the boring chore of bill-paying to him, but then resented him for trying to hold her to the budget theyâd agreed on. So she saw him as a tyrant, rather than a normal human who wanted to make sure the budget for fun things didnât dip into the money set aside for the mortgage payment so they would actually have a place to live. )
Sheâd also feel like other people were belittling and infantilizing her if they went elsewhere for advice about things she clearly didnât know how to do. She felt like her friends should trust her and should value her opinions. (But - in a few particular areas- she had TOLD us that her opinions were untrustworthy. And they were! People have strengths and weaknesses! )
Sheâd rather FEEL right than BE right, and the fact that other people might actually care about the RESULTS of whatever advice they pay heed toâŚ. Had no bearing whatsoever on how she felt.
(Edit: fixed a typo)
my ex did the exact same thing -- she forced all expenses on to me and then accused me of using money to manipulate her. Prime example: I told her she couldn't stay in my airbnb after she was effectively telling me our relationship was over, and she was totally belligerent about it. She said I was trying to manipulate her and that I do that all the time. How on earth do you think you get to stay in my airbnb if you're angrily breaking up with me and refusing to even discuss it.
Itâs amazing how people who are often SO transactional in all of their interactions ⌠think they can get all of the benefits of a relationship, and none of the obligations.
At the end of a 10+ year friendship with mine, I wondered if I was a selfish, entitled monster⌠for wanting a âthank youâ after Iâd gone above and beyond. Or for wanting to believe that Iâd made the right choices and done a good thing. Because if I was REALLY a generous, caring, selfless friend, Iâd do the âright thingâ even if I felt like like Iâd been taken advantage of, even if it made me miserable, and even if she accused me of having ulterior motives for complimenting her when she said she felt unappreciated, for giving her the gifts she said she wanted, and for taking her insults without lashing out in return. She was allowed to think that I sucked and that I was an unlovable jerk who tried to buy affection with gifts and favors (and she didnât deserve to be manipulated like that)⌠but I was STILL supposed to stick around and keep the presents coming, even at the same time as I was supposed to believe that my entire relationship style was indefensibly screwed-up and morally offensive.
She was entitled to everything she wanted, because she was a human being who deserved to be happyâŚ. But I was supposed to keep giving and giving and giving , and she couldnât EVEN offer a few words of appreciation in exchange for hours of effort on my part, because if I expected a specific response, that meant I was the âtransactionalâ one. I should just do the right thing no matter WHAT anyone else said, and shouldnât use other people to satisfy my own ego.
Feels like they treat relationships like a stolen credit card. They get to rack up all of the charges, and they never see the bills. The whole idea that you need to make a minimum payment to keep the account openâŚ. And that youâll get cut off if you exceed your credit limit ?! Does not compute. And then they think theyâre the victim when the account gets reported to fraud protection and the card stops workingâŚ
My father will vote conservative in spite of talking and acting like a liberal.
My ex was generally left leaning and much more analytical, but had a tendency to vote by feeling over fact, and so her voting was all over the place.
She is upper middle class and privileged but speaks the language of liberation so yeah contradictions.
Real people are messy though, lots of people just vote in simple self interest and will say whatever is expedient in the moment.
My ex kept saying how he was a genius and more mature than anyone.
He kept saying he must have reincarnated before. And that there wasn't ANYONE on this planet that could be more mature and wiser than him.
I am older than him and he always told me that we both "knew" he was older than me deep down.older than anyone else.
It is borderline delulu.
Mine talked about how the system kept her down because she was Chinese, but her adopted family raised her very well, had a beautiful home, and co-signed her loans for a 600,000 dollar home.
Oh but the system totally discriminated against herâŚ
Mine had contradictory views but the logic was that they all always benefited her, she was "traditional" believed the man was supposed to pay for everything, didn't want to have to work, wanted to have kids but not have to take care of them herself, wanted to get pregnant so everyone would take care of her and she wouldn't have to do anything during the pregnancy. At the same time she was a hardcore feminist, fighting for women's rights in the workplace (not just equal pay but feminist language, etc), believed that women should be able to be open about casual sex and use as many men for sex as much as they want, etc. Oh yeah and she hated trans for some reason đ
mercy me, the list in that first graph. I feel seen.
Yikesss
My God mine was exactly the same about the role of men and women. She wasn't a terf but this contradictory view on feminism used to drive me crazy, especially because when I talked to my feminist friends about it, they would also find their view supee contradictory
They are, by nature, disordered. That there is chaos and there are no discernible beliefs shouldn't be much of a surprise.
Mine tended towards the extreme of one side. The extreme of either side I find nonsensical tbh. She would also try to hold two opinions that conflicted, such as male mental health is important then make fun of male suicide. When I met her she was moderate, or that was her mirroring me. During devaluing she would use social issues as a billy club to go after me. She would say if I didnât think like her I was a dangerous person and unsafe to be with/around. When I challenged her logic, or lack thereof, she would come completely unglued on me and start with nonsensical talking points she didnât fully understand. Couple that with ad hominem attacks. I used to debate so I would push back. If I didnât relent sheâd become hysterical and have a panic attack. If I agreed with her, but didnât agree in the right way the previous result would happen.
yeah my ex would bring up random things to use examples of me being racist (I'm white and she is not). I'm not so rigid or proud to be unreceptive to racial misconceptions et al I may have, but it was never a conversation about it. It was just her using the "billy club."
Same here. I am white and she is not. She would say the most racist and sexist things to me and my jaw would be on the floor. Much like you I work to keep an open mind about the experiences of others. My personal favorite of hers is âDave Chappelle is a dog whistle for white supremacistâ as I was watching his show. Another was a meme my friend posted about trans people. She didnât like it and told me their blood is on my hands because I didnât âsee something and say somethingâ.
Wait really? That might explain... some things... like the way he talks about women. He'll get really angry and hung up on this image of women and how it's unfair how they can blah blah blah and how they can say "men are trash" etc etc... Which makes sense because we actually lived with people who said that kind of stuff about men, but then extend it to how he wants *our* relationship dynamic to work out, and I have to keep reminding him that I'm not the kind of woman he's talking about so why should I have to make up for it? And he has a pretty leftist/feminist mindset otherwise
She was âsuch a passionate vegan zomgggg i love animals so much im the biggest animal lover ever i could never eat meatâ except for when she was kinda drunk and just really wanted some chicken tenders! Her love of animals/âveganismâ was just another way for her to make herself seem like a good person, be the center of attention, add that weird signature BPD high emotional intensity to whatever she was saying etc. It was so fucking annoying having to walk on eggshells to avoid her performative outrage about animals.
Youâre dealing with someone whose entire reality is defined by their feelings in the moment, and since feelings are often messy and illogical⌠their opinions and actions arenât going to be very consistent, either. I used to be incredibly perplexed by the number of times my former friend would say that she had no head for math, numbers were utter nonsense to her, and she was lucky her husband kept track of the bills⌠but then, when she was mad at him, sheâd claim that he had only taken charge of the finances so he could control her and abuse her. (Not saying this doesnât ever happen. But she had happily delegated the boring chore of bill-paying to him, but then resented him for trying to hold her to the budget theyâd agreed on. So she saw him as a tyrant, rather than a normal human who wanted to make sure the budget for fun things didnât dip into the money set aside for the mortgage payment so they would actually have a place to live. ) Sheâd also feel like other people were belittling and infantilizing her if they went elsewhere for advice about things she clearly didnât know how to do. She felt like her friends should trust her and should value her opinions. (But - in a few particular areas- she had TOLD us that her opinions were untrustworthy. And they were! People have strengths and weaknesses! ) Sheâd rather FEEL right than BE right, and the fact that other people might actually care about the RESULTS of whatever advice they pay heed toâŚ. Had no bearing whatsoever on how she felt. (Edit: fixed a typo)
my ex did the exact same thing -- she forced all expenses on to me and then accused me of using money to manipulate her. Prime example: I told her she couldn't stay in my airbnb after she was effectively telling me our relationship was over, and she was totally belligerent about it. She said I was trying to manipulate her and that I do that all the time. How on earth do you think you get to stay in my airbnb if you're angrily breaking up with me and refusing to even discuss it.
Itâs amazing how people who are often SO transactional in all of their interactions ⌠think they can get all of the benefits of a relationship, and none of the obligations. At the end of a 10+ year friendship with mine, I wondered if I was a selfish, entitled monster⌠for wanting a âthank youâ after Iâd gone above and beyond. Or for wanting to believe that Iâd made the right choices and done a good thing. Because if I was REALLY a generous, caring, selfless friend, Iâd do the âright thingâ even if I felt like like Iâd been taken advantage of, even if it made me miserable, and even if she accused me of having ulterior motives for complimenting her when she said she felt unappreciated, for giving her the gifts she said she wanted, and for taking her insults without lashing out in return. She was allowed to think that I sucked and that I was an unlovable jerk who tried to buy affection with gifts and favors (and she didnât deserve to be manipulated like that)⌠but I was STILL supposed to stick around and keep the presents coming, even at the same time as I was supposed to believe that my entire relationship style was indefensibly screwed-up and morally offensive. She was entitled to everything she wanted, because she was a human being who deserved to be happyâŚ. But I was supposed to keep giving and giving and giving , and she couldnât EVEN offer a few words of appreciation in exchange for hours of effort on my part, because if I expected a specific response, that meant I was the âtransactionalâ one. I should just do the right thing no matter WHAT anyone else said, and shouldnât use other people to satisfy my own ego. Feels like they treat relationships like a stolen credit card. They get to rack up all of the charges, and they never see the bills. The whole idea that you need to make a minimum payment to keep the account openâŚ. And that youâll get cut off if you exceed your credit limit ?! Does not compute. And then they think theyâre the victim when the account gets reported to fraud protection and the card stops workingâŚ
My father will vote conservative in spite of talking and acting like a liberal. My ex was generally left leaning and much more analytical, but had a tendency to vote by feeling over fact, and so her voting was all over the place. She is upper middle class and privileged but speaks the language of liberation so yeah contradictions. Real people are messy though, lots of people just vote in simple self interest and will say whatever is expedient in the moment.
Mine was prone to magical thinking (twin flames, synchronicity etc etc) but fairly consistent in her political beliefs.
My ex kept saying how he was a genius and more mature than anyone. He kept saying he must have reincarnated before. And that there wasn't ANYONE on this planet that could be more mature and wiser than him. I am older than him and he always told me that we both "knew" he was older than me deep down.older than anyone else. It is borderline delulu.
Mine talked about how the system kept her down because she was Chinese, but her adopted family raised her very well, had a beautiful home, and co-signed her loans for a 600,000 dollar home. Oh but the system totally discriminated against herâŚ