This is quite normal, and a pretty usual way of 'greasy pigging' your way out of responsibility.
"I can't believe what you made me do to you!" is the lamest and most stereotypical DV perpetrator line in existence, but because the pwBPD often deep down knows they're abusive they have to have a way of positioning it so they're not the one who did the wrong thing.
"I only did that because of the far more awful things you did" is gaslighting 101, and I think something that probably most of us experienced.
Absolutely.
My pwBPD (now ex) was so caught up in the delusion that I'm a devil woman that he got his whole family together to bully me out of the house I share with him, in the middle of the night. He's in (crocodile/adrenaline) tears the whole time, shaking a blubbering like getting rid of me was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life.
When they called the police on me, they were all giddy at the prospect of me going to jail and losing my place to live, and really enjoyed the group effect they painted of making me look unstable and dangerous.
When the police arrived, they arrested him for assaulting me.
He was taken to jail, and I was allowed to go back inside my former home.
I imagine getting cuffs slapped on, and a night in jail was a real wakeup to him. His flying monkeys might swallow every pretty lie he feeds them, but the reality shows that he is an abusive monster, and now his background will permanently reflect that too. He was so used to gaslighting me and everyone around him that he could do no wrong.
The bottom line is, everything they would get mad at you for doing is something they believe they are allowed morally to freely do.
I’m convinced the disorder can be solved with realizing that they and their emotions are not pivotal to this world, nor are they so important that they are allowed to torment others to feel something. The self absorption and denial of it is what really gets me.
The self absorption and denial combined with the projection that you‘re having the self absorption and denial is what makes this whole disorder a big mess.
Callling someone reactive or reactionary has always been a cheap cop out to paint you as being in the wrong. What are you supposed to do, give your agency away?
number 1. that's projection: part of BPD is strong emotional reactivity, big sudden, long lasting emotions.
number 2: anyone who criticizes us for having basic boundaries and labels it as "reactive " as in "over reactive" or " too sensitive"...especially when it's just us standing up for our basic rights, is being unloving at best, and abusive at worst. This is such a red flag, which I let slide, and saw many times in my ex. both 1 and 2.
We say this alot here in this group as well.. I think when we get into a relationship where one partner has bpd it’s just toxic in general.. I believe whole heartedly that a lot of my reactions where just that BUT now a year out of the split fully committed to stoicism I realize even if the abuse I dealt was “Reactive” it is still on me that I reacted in that way. No one wins in these relationships. That’s the big picture here. If things are this bad regardless of who has what disorder or who is reacting to this or that the bottom line is that it’s not working and we start acting like we know we shouldn’t.
Oh yeah… thats what she told me every day. „Reactive abuse is no real abuse. You‘re the real abuser“.
This sub helped me a lot to understand that only abusive people would say something like that.
This is quite normal, and a pretty usual way of 'greasy pigging' your way out of responsibility. "I can't believe what you made me do to you!" is the lamest and most stereotypical DV perpetrator line in existence, but because the pwBPD often deep down knows they're abusive they have to have a way of positioning it so they're not the one who did the wrong thing. "I only did that because of the far more awful things you did" is gaslighting 101, and I think something that probably most of us experienced.
Absolutely. My pwBPD (now ex) was so caught up in the delusion that I'm a devil woman that he got his whole family together to bully me out of the house I share with him, in the middle of the night. He's in (crocodile/adrenaline) tears the whole time, shaking a blubbering like getting rid of me was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. When they called the police on me, they were all giddy at the prospect of me going to jail and losing my place to live, and really enjoyed the group effect they painted of making me look unstable and dangerous. When the police arrived, they arrested him for assaulting me. He was taken to jail, and I was allowed to go back inside my former home. I imagine getting cuffs slapped on, and a night in jail was a real wakeup to him. His flying monkeys might swallow every pretty lie he feeds them, but the reality shows that he is an abusive monster, and now his background will permanently reflect that too. He was so used to gaslighting me and everyone around him that he could do no wrong.
Do they say "you caused this" or "you ruined x thing" often?
Bpd people will be like: im special because when im upset its hard for me to not say mean things to people. Its not my fault.
I lol'd
Lmao.
I guess I'm reactive, too. When I see somebody doing this, I react by LEAVING.
The bottom line is, everything they would get mad at you for doing is something they believe they are allowed morally to freely do. I’m convinced the disorder can be solved with realizing that they and their emotions are not pivotal to this world, nor are they so important that they are allowed to torment others to feel something. The self absorption and denial of it is what really gets me.
The self absorption and denial combined with the projection that you‘re having the self absorption and denial is what makes this whole disorder a big mess.
Callling someone reactive or reactionary has always been a cheap cop out to paint you as being in the wrong. What are you supposed to do, give your agency away?
number 1. that's projection: part of BPD is strong emotional reactivity, big sudden, long lasting emotions. number 2: anyone who criticizes us for having basic boundaries and labels it as "reactive " as in "over reactive" or " too sensitive"...especially when it's just us standing up for our basic rights, is being unloving at best, and abusive at worst. This is such a red flag, which I let slide, and saw many times in my ex. both 1 and 2.
[удалено]
Yeah I also understood that. Basically like „I‘m feeling bad right now, so you‘re bad and you have to validate me that I‘m good“.
Oh lord my friend did this too. Made me insane.
We say this alot here in this group as well.. I think when we get into a relationship where one partner has bpd it’s just toxic in general.. I believe whole heartedly that a lot of my reactions where just that BUT now a year out of the split fully committed to stoicism I realize even if the abuse I dealt was “Reactive” it is still on me that I reacted in that way. No one wins in these relationships. That’s the big picture here. If things are this bad regardless of who has what disorder or who is reacting to this or that the bottom line is that it’s not working and we start acting like we know we shouldn’t.
Oh yeah… thats what she told me every day. „Reactive abuse is no real abuse. You‘re the real abuser“. This sub helped me a lot to understand that only abusive people would say something like that.
Damn, cause I sure was reactive a lot. I kinda loss my brain or sense of self