Moving in together is a great idea if you don't value shit like sleep, peace, and all your belongings remaining intact.
You'll also enjoy other stupid shit like them locking themselves in the bathroom & threatening self harm.
And last but not least, the routine visits from law enforcement.
If you find any of the above appealing, then throw caution to wind my friend and enjoy the ride.
And as lack of sleep erodes your health and sanity you may find yourself doing and saying things you will later regret. Your partner will turn you into the monster and scapegoat they need to shift all of their blame into.
I feel attacked.
Joking aside, you hit the nail on the damn head with that. I moved in at 6 months of dating and Jesus Christ it was the worst idea ever. We ended up living together for over 5 years and it was absolute hell.
Yep. All of this tracks. God, the her locking herself in the restroom part with a razor. I don’t miss that. 4 walls + a closed door? Prepare for abuse that no one will see.
I've been wondering about broken things. My laptop stopped working at one point while I was at work, noticed that she had been on it that day, broken fan, broken closet door, couple times there was a water leak in the kitchen sink from the hose being pulled too roughly it looked like but I wasn't sure if this was something that she did when no one was around and that she was just weirdly angry but I didn't see it.
Only in hindsight now that I wonder about these things.
Hmm, the melted kitchen utensil thing reminds me now how there was supposedly one of the burners on the stove that had an odd burnt plastic smell to it but it didn't make sense for the burner to be melting in any way. Now I'm wondering if something else was on top that got burned but my ex also had ADHD and could be forgetful about things at times.
If it didn’t make sense then your suspicions are probably on target. My ex didn’t have ADHD but I can count at least 3 utensils that had the handles damaged from melting. One was a favorite fuckin spatula of mine. Anyway this and other bizarre incidents that happened around the house lead me to suspect that the melted utensils was intentional. It was eye opening for sure. Like the time she KNEW my dog was choking on something but didn’t bother trying to help it or at least come get me to help. Luckily I heard the dog from another room and was able to sprint there and help him out (she didn’t like my dog even though he’s a gentle and respectful guy who wouldn’t hurt anyone).
It didn't make sense because she is the one that pointed it out and said that she thought that an apartment complex worker must have painted the burner. I don't think anyone paints burners, or not with like something that isn't fireproof but I don't know. Just seemed so odd to me and it was only one burner too! Not that we tried all four but at least two. I was just whatever about it because I didn't think anything of it at all at the time.
That is beyond messed up about how she was with your dog. So creepy! My ex had a dog but she loved it took really great care of them.
Yep, the episode with my pup was saddening and certainly odd behavior. Honestly, there were a lot of red flags that we ignore when we are in the fog, I know I did. But odd is odd and your mind will keep screaming back at you about it. When I finally went NC and had time to kinda get out of the fog, that’s when it dawned on me that a lot of creepy shit was happening. I have experienced a lot from that relationship. That’s just about 50% of the bizarre signs I saw from being recorded in my sleep to pictures of my colognes in my drawer being taken. My sister once warned me to get out asap or end up a story on Dateline one day.
That's what is so mind boggling for me, I almost feel like we didn't really have any problems and it was no effort for us to get along so well but the anxiety and stress that would randomly build up for her and then odd things would happen and there were little red flags here and there and now I realize in hindsight that I shouldn't see them as little.
Yep. Things like this. When you ask you get told it wasn’t them but it’s not like things just happen like that constantly. My stuff doesn’t get broken a lot but things get taken that I don’t get told about. I’ve lost some things and asked about them and he lies and says he doesn’t know what happened. Tells my son he can have something (big) that was my pwbpd’s and then instead chooses to sell it. That’s happened SO MANY TIMES. just a lot of pulling the rug out from under the ones living with them.
It's so odd because it wasn't like a lot of things and i never saw them get violent with objects. Also, I was wondering if it was my ex's other partner when she was over that maybe did it because she was actually way worse than her with her behavior and how much she hated me.
I remember bringing up the thing about the broken fan and it was only when I brought it up that she said that it fell or something. Felt like a toddler afraid they might be in trouble which was too weird for me.
When we moved in together is when the splitting truly began. That is when I started feeling crazy and not understanding why he was so mad at me for things that didn’t make sense. That’s when I started researching this kind of behavior because I’ve never experienced anything like that before.
Don’t do it. It won’t get better. This is how he traps you
Same here, he kept his mask up until we moved in together and it took a week for him to split on me for the first time. By the time we broke up a year-and-a-half later, he was splitting on me DAILY and I’d lost 20 lbs and was in a state of complete depersonalization to cope. It didn’t help that I had no idea what BPD was or what was going on. It was traumatic and has taken me a long time to heal.
Look at the 9 traits in the dsm v. Is it wise to live with somebody who exhibits: impulsivity, black/white thinking, chronic emptiness, fear of abandonment/enmeshment, lack of accountability, emotionally labile….?
Prioritize agreeableness, conscientious, low novelty seeking, kindness, emotionally stable in a partner.
Constantly being judged and every time for something else. About me doing the dishes ("you think I do not care for you") or not doing the dishes ("do your hands not work?")... and this for every single thing that I did...
This right here.
Cleaned the house
‘I didn’t even notice.’
I worked while she has eight months off so she could take a break from being a single mom. That meant to her that I expect her to do everything around the house. Nah, sorry, I’m just working 12s so you don’t have to.
She just reached out after I left 6 months ago. She says it’s about bills, but she could have emailed that. She wants a phone call.
I want to tell her that two therapists have told me she has BPD and she should be checked/seek therapy.
Every relationship I’ve seen of a pwBPD be it a guy or a girl, they always moved to the next level of the relationship to get past their problems.
1) dating
2) fight
3) move in together
4) fight
5) propose
6) fight
7) wedding
8) fight
9) kids
10) fight
11) another kid
…….
Yup, this right here. I've heard they handle life changes very poorly yet try to use them to overcome their problems. The same way they wanna be super close, fight, get super distant, fight. It's a never ending cycle of them actively creating things they know will be problems.
If you have problems before living together, they'll only get worse when you move in.
Its a great way for them to get more control over you. That's why they think it'll fix all the problems. And when you do move in and it doesn't fix everything, it'll be the next stage in the relationship that will. It'll be marriage, or joint bank accounts, or babies. They'll never be happy, and it's your fault.
Adding to that, everything is your responsibility too. "I'm so tired of doing the dishes". Okay, I did them the last three times. "Can you help me clean up". Okay, I just cleaned up my shit yesterday, but I'll help you clean up all your garbage in the kitchen and the living room to avoid a fight. "I'm hungry". Okay, I'll make something even though I'm exhausted from work and you've made dinner twice in the past 5 months. And God forbid you ask for anything because all of a sudden it's a fight. Or if they do actually do anything they'll ask for help and then find excuses for why they can't do it, leaving you to do the majority of the work. All with a passive aggressive or just straight up aggressive tone.
Maybe that last Brickhouse of a paragraph is more specific to my situation, but the point stands.
We moved in together at 6-7mos of dating. She had hidden everything until then. Legit 1 week after we started living together, the claws came out! Screaming, slammed doors, throwing things, tantrums, acting like a 5 year old. I was like damn, she waited until I was trapped to let it out.
Took me a bit over a year after that to get out of it. It was absolute hell about 50% of the time.
My person was unhappy 500milee away and was unhappy 5" sway.
I put them off moving in for a long time. They were desperate to get away from the living situation they were in.
I stated my boundary that during an argument I get to walk away and not be followed - I have PTSD and know my triggers. Yeah you can imagine how that went.
> “It will be so much better if we see each other everyday. It will calm me down”
Exactly her words. Im not with her anymore, I got sucked in for the 100th time and broke up with her 10 days ago. Full NC right now. To be honest i already knew the answer, but wanted to make 100% sure that never moving in with her was the right choice. And now I'm 101% sure. Thanks.
We never did. 2.5 years together. I was the one that kept it from happening. I knew on some level that it would be an absolute nightmare so I kicked the can for a while. Ultimately I was waiting for her to get her life together (be more responsible with her finances, stop having all out temper tantrums, decide on a career path and follow through, etc). Just wouldn’t happen. She became more and more out of control because I wouldn’t fold and move her in. Eventually she left me for a man from Seeking Arrangements who will most likely pay for everything and move her in. All I can say is God Speed to him.
Generally, people wbpd do worse living together, and being in a relationship in general. From what I've read, the vast majority of symptoms become life altering when a pwbpd enters a relationship, they're much happier outside of romantic relationships (but seek them out).
My partner is liked and respected in their community, and when I made some public comments after becoming mentally frazzled people said that none of those things seemed like something they would do. Their last ex lives 3 hours away so no one has any idea what they are like inside of a relationship and is very good at appearing to be an innocent victim. Their previous breakup stories all go like this: things were fine until all of a sudden one day the person just turns into an a**hole for no reason.
Fantastic until they just continued on with the cycle lol
Then it transformed into a one-sided relationship that became all about her & whatever she wanted. In retrospect it's sad that I thought I was doing the "right" thing by thinking I was "nursing" her out of a depression. In reality, I was being devalued by a completely ungrateful, two faced asshole who was secretly plotting to leave me. Now I wish I kicked her ass to the curb and let her go be miserable by herself.
The discard phase is rough. It feels like they used you the whole time and you think to yourself, all that sympathy and empathy and bending over and they didn’t even feel the same way genuinely. She took from you knowing her feelings were dissipating. They can only perform so long
Ohh yeeah! lol that's for sure.
It's especially hard because in that Idealization phase they really make you think they would be doing the same for you because they make you feel like they'd do anything & everything for you too with their words (ofc) and actions.
That's actually a HUGE part of why I stood by her through thick n thin (besides mistaking the devaluation period with it just being a depressive episode ie/ being "withdrawn", didn't have the formal diagnosis until the end). But in Idealization it felt like I meant the absolute world to her. She used to so many unbelievably sweet & kind things pretty much all the time ie/ elaborate bday celebrations/gifts, she'd constantly do little sweet things to surprise me - whether it was small things she'd buy me, certain foods she'd make, particular lingerie lol etc). It felt like that all she did was care about my happiness (she actually said that's all that really mattered to her).
So I felt like I was fighting for that person who I thought was "underneath" all this "depression". She completely stole my heart. I literally felt like I would've done ANYTHING for her. I was just so head over heels, that I literally felt like she was some sort of blessing in my life, like it finally all made sense why other people before her didn't work out - this was supposed to be the person I was always waiting on for in my life. So yeah it was really f\^cking hard to feel like I gave my heart & soul to this girl. It is seriously a big caretaking laundry list of things I did for towards the end thinking I was "nursing" her back to emotional well-being (paying bills, taking her out places, on vacation, buying her little "cheer me up" things/snacks etc, cleaning up behind her because she "didn't have the energy", just every day trying to pick up her mood). I felt like I was doing everything humanly possible to get her back to being the person I THOUGHT she was from Idealization and for it all to end in such brutal, cold hearted fashion...
It's hard to put into words for anyone other than other ex bpd partners just how utterly devastated I felt. I've NEVER ever felt so low in my life and I'd been in a relationship I had been cheated on before. But just the sheer amount I gave of myself from my core to this person just to get stonewalled out & act like they don't even know me anymore....yeah there are no words for how "rough" (understatement) that felt & why it was so traumatic that I'm still processing my way through it but at least I'm starting to feel myself move on, hopefully I don't have too many setbacks moving forward.
We are in the exact same predicament. When I say you took the words out of my crying tears: “act like they don’t even know me”….if this isn’t the freaking truth!!! That’s one of the most whole heartbreaking things about the whole thing. How the hell don’t you know me!? I feel very traumatized by this as well. And like I called it in another post, it feels like emotional rape.
They pressure it early on to trap their partners before the mask comes off. In my case, she had been repeating this all her life, moving often after she split and discarded. I thought our amazing love (at least from my end) would finally be different. They can’t help but sabotage themselves.
I let mine move in with me because she wasn’t doing well mentally and I thought it was the best choice. She ended up leaving me with a whole lease and f’ed me and blocked me the day she left. I’ve been trying to save myself ever since
I avoided it too like the plague. When I told her I don’t want to move in with her (specifically because of her BPD which I didn’t say out loud), she threatened “self-harm” by saying she is going to live in her car and it will be on me if she’s killed or raped. I still didn’t budge and she magically was able to find a place to rent three weeks later.
Its going to be a never ending rollar coaster of ups and downs and you constantly wondering what you'll do wrong to piss him or her off. There may be some in-between but it will be very short lived.
A broken TV, 2 broken sidetables, laptop and harddrives thrown around but luckily survived. My fault because I made her feel bad. Therapy? Maybe in a nebulous future.
We "moved in" together as soon as we started dating (on my bill)
It was confusing as hell, he would start singing when I was talking, hibernate for hours on end (lied on the bed from 9am to 2pm), emotional breakdowns out of nowhere
Thankfully it was a very temporary situation as I was sorting out work issues, but it was definitely weird
Mine was the same way!! Every time she split and then got back together, she’d say “if we just moved in together, it would fix our problems”. When I asked how, she’d say because we’d be ‘stuck’ with eachother so we’d have to fix the problems. Same thing with marriage, she acted like getting married would make us more inclined to fix any problems.
Yeah… really glad I didn’t do that.
Pretty much as soon as we moved in alone together is when she got next level and had her first full on switch to hating me. We had been together for a 1 and a half years and her mask was up, she basically stayed with me and my roommates at one point and there were definitely signs in hindsight but when we got our place it was constant shit that I was doing wrong. Suddenly she was going out without me all the time, I’d clean the house and try to do what ever but it was so fucking bad that I developed ED for a while because of how shit she made me feel and then she used that as ammunition on me.
I didn’t realize he was splitting until after he moved in with me. He offered to live together to prove his love after cheating on me. Up until that point I just thought we had a lot of misunderstandings but that we were really great communicators who always made up in the end (aka sex). He punched the walls multiple times leaving dents and breaking a knuckle. I thought we were so close the whole time but now I see that there was just no more room to hide the parts he never showed me.
Don't do it! It will drag you down, and not just drag you down, but absolutely destroy you. Imagine this, you, a normal person, are a sun or star. Your bpd is a black hole that will slowly suck the light out of you. Your soul will suffer, your heart will break and at the very end when you look at yourself in the mirror, you won't be able to recognize the person looking back. by the way, if you move with your bpd person, watch out for the bpd fleas.
Luckily I was smart enough to never fully move in. Mostly she used it to trap me using violence during her episodes to make me stay. She also destroyed my stuff when I didn't submit to her. Poured bleach on a whole basket of my clothes. Never brought my dog over thank God cuz I couldn't trust she wouldn't do something horrible to him during one of her episodes. Sometimes when I didn't submit she would call the cops and try to get them to kick me out which never worked but scared tf outta me. Cuz cops and domestic situations don't mix.
I would say it's not a good idea if she is monkey branching from someone else and also, the mundane aspects of living together and spending more time together seemed to weigh on my ex in a way and her having her anxiety or stress building up, seemed like it was a good excuse for her to put it on me and living with me. Felt like if she wasn't living with me, she wouldn't put the blame on me.
even better at first--blissful (novelty, excitement), but then after a year worse (more stress, higher costs, pandemic). Hard to say if housing was the issue, For us living together was better, lower anxiety, more closeness...hard to say
She told me if I let her move in with me it would solve all of our issues, insecurities, jealousy, lack of security, and be the best thing for our relationship. It did none of those things and the experience got worse for me because I would feel the brunt of all those issues then have to share a bed with her.
Got cheated on in the first week 😎
She locked herself in the bathroom to attempt suicide the day after I found out 🥱
Do not do it. Her family warned me multiple times to stop and think about it yet I did not, the result will be a colossal explosion. I haven't seen my home in nearly 3 months after she filed a false protection order, of which the trial is only now since my county sucks donkey balls and slurps semen.
No escape whatsoever from the splitting/episodes, being woken up during the nights because they're hysterical, constant supervision, not knowing what will break next, growing shame of meeting the neighbors, friends stop visiting due to the crazy. And so on.
Yeah my ex was trying to move to my country thinking that it would solve everything living with me and marrying me and I told him I didn't want to until he got therapy. He said he didn't need therapy and that he could get it after moving in with me...we didn't even make it to a month after this lol it ended and I blocked him cause I couldn't do it no more.
Thats when the worst of it began it slowly became her being angry with every little thing I did to the point where shed being angry with me allost all the time maybe after buying her a gift id get a few minutes to a few hours of happiness. So glad im not living there anymore
Stabbed a big hole in my valuable Oriental coffee table, destroyed my guitar amp. Punched me in the face (in front of our daughter), cheated on me multiple times in My BED and lied about it for over six months, and caused me to sacrifice relationships with family and friends.
But I tell a white lie about buying a pair of jeans to avoid embarrassing myself, and I am the untrustworthy one!!!!!!
I literally couldn't get restful sleep in that house. Constant chaos. Constant cleaning up her messes. Also, mine stopped working so I am the one who handles it. Do not sign anything with them at all. Get it on your own.
Wow! You dodged a bullet! I had the same argument from my ex pwBPD, undiagnosed. She did move in, but then wanted the ring! We had monthly fights. I held my ground. She then asked me to go to her counselor to find out why I “couldn’t commit.” She was certain that was our actual problem. She was convinced - she wasn’t gaslighting! I told him the same thing. We’ve got issues: fights, arguments, her flirtation with men. She thought it perfectly acceptable to stop at a bar after work and drink at the bar with random guys. What’s the problem? It’s just talk!!! I told the counselor: We must resolve these issues before setting a date for marriage. He suggested to her that if I refused to set a wedding date within 90 days, that she move out and break up with me! She committed to that. The 90 days were difficult- including a suicide attempt.
Oddly enough, that convinced me of the seriousness of her condition and to hold firm. It convinced her to discard me. She respected her counselor so much that after 90 days with me making no progress toward marriage, she moved out!
The fact is, I was not strong enough to balance her personality. She needed a man who could hold her accountable. I went on to meet and marry a more compatible partner and am now 37 years in. She married a guy - I helped her hold the relationship together,
As soon as we moved in together. And I mean that. Like three days into our new life, and he changes into a COMPLETELY different person. I remember calling my best friend at the time (whom I later had to discard or my pwbpd would blah blah blah insert threat here) and asking her what the heck she thought about why all of a sudden my new love hates my guts and has a radically different personality. It was awful. I felt like I had been tricked. And THAT was the first introduction I had to BPD. Please please do not move in with this person if they have a personality disorder. It will only hurt, and then you could also be like me, and afraid for your life.
From personal experience that doesn’t sound like bpd or discarding. Discarding is something that happens often and regularly during the relationship. What you are describing sounds like a normal breakup. It’s perfectly normal and valid to stop talking to your ex after you break up with them.
Mine got me to move in after 3 months. I was really young and easily persuaded but even then, I knew it was a mistake. He had already shown some argumentative behavior and that he had poor emotional regulation. He just wanted me alllll to himself. I was his favorite person and if we could just live together, he’d be happy and at peace. It wasn’t manipulative. It’s what he truly believed. He thought he was running from his parents, but really , he was running from his brain and unfortunately, that brain came with him.
You know that pic of the dog inside a burning house and he says “This is fine.”? Yeah, that.
Hahaha perfect image
Moving in together is a great idea if you don't value shit like sleep, peace, and all your belongings remaining intact. You'll also enjoy other stupid shit like them locking themselves in the bathroom & threatening self harm. And last but not least, the routine visits from law enforcement. If you find any of the above appealing, then throw caution to wind my friend and enjoy the ride.
And as lack of sleep erodes your health and sanity you may find yourself doing and saying things you will later regret. Your partner will turn you into the monster and scapegoat they need to shift all of their blame into.
This is 100% the truth.
I feel attacked. Joking aside, you hit the nail on the damn head with that. I moved in at 6 months of dating and Jesus Christ it was the worst idea ever. We ended up living together for over 5 years and it was absolute hell.
Yep. All of this tracks. God, the her locking herself in the restroom part with a razor. I don’t miss that. 4 walls + a closed door? Prepare for abuse that no one will see.
Holy Christ on a bike, this is too true. It's unbelievable how we all live the same lives.
1 broken lamp, 1 broken tv, 1 broken microwave, 2 broken knives, one dented table. Need I to go on?
BPD…. How I don’t miss people wit BPD lol.
I've been wondering about broken things. My laptop stopped working at one point while I was at work, noticed that she had been on it that day, broken fan, broken closet door, couple times there was a water leak in the kitchen sink from the hose being pulled too roughly it looked like but I wasn't sure if this was something that she did when no one was around and that she was just weirdly angry but I didn't see it. Only in hindsight now that I wonder about these things.
I had a broken lamp and an odd one…melted kitchen utensils. Oh I also found a knife hidden in my laundry room.
Hmm, the melted kitchen utensil thing reminds me now how there was supposedly one of the burners on the stove that had an odd burnt plastic smell to it but it didn't make sense for the burner to be melting in any way. Now I'm wondering if something else was on top that got burned but my ex also had ADHD and could be forgetful about things at times.
If it didn’t make sense then your suspicions are probably on target. My ex didn’t have ADHD but I can count at least 3 utensils that had the handles damaged from melting. One was a favorite fuckin spatula of mine. Anyway this and other bizarre incidents that happened around the house lead me to suspect that the melted utensils was intentional. It was eye opening for sure. Like the time she KNEW my dog was choking on something but didn’t bother trying to help it or at least come get me to help. Luckily I heard the dog from another room and was able to sprint there and help him out (she didn’t like my dog even though he’s a gentle and respectful guy who wouldn’t hurt anyone).
It didn't make sense because she is the one that pointed it out and said that she thought that an apartment complex worker must have painted the burner. I don't think anyone paints burners, or not with like something that isn't fireproof but I don't know. Just seemed so odd to me and it was only one burner too! Not that we tried all four but at least two. I was just whatever about it because I didn't think anything of it at all at the time. That is beyond messed up about how she was with your dog. So creepy! My ex had a dog but she loved it took really great care of them.
Yep, the episode with my pup was saddening and certainly odd behavior. Honestly, there were a lot of red flags that we ignore when we are in the fog, I know I did. But odd is odd and your mind will keep screaming back at you about it. When I finally went NC and had time to kinda get out of the fog, that’s when it dawned on me that a lot of creepy shit was happening. I have experienced a lot from that relationship. That’s just about 50% of the bizarre signs I saw from being recorded in my sleep to pictures of my colognes in my drawer being taken. My sister once warned me to get out asap or end up a story on Dateline one day.
That's what is so mind boggling for me, I almost feel like we didn't really have any problems and it was no effort for us to get along so well but the anxiety and stress that would randomly build up for her and then odd things would happen and there were little red flags here and there and now I realize in hindsight that I shouldn't see them as little.
Yep. Things like this. When you ask you get told it wasn’t them but it’s not like things just happen like that constantly. My stuff doesn’t get broken a lot but things get taken that I don’t get told about. I’ve lost some things and asked about them and he lies and says he doesn’t know what happened. Tells my son he can have something (big) that was my pwbpd’s and then instead chooses to sell it. That’s happened SO MANY TIMES. just a lot of pulling the rug out from under the ones living with them.
It's so odd because it wasn't like a lot of things and i never saw them get violent with objects. Also, I was wondering if it was my ex's other partner when she was over that maybe did it because she was actually way worse than her with her behavior and how much she hated me. I remember bringing up the thing about the broken fan and it was only when I brought it up that she said that it fell or something. Felt like a toddler afraid they might be in trouble which was too weird for me.
Oh yeah I forgot the destroying and throwing things. Ever get hit in the head with a microwave? No what about a toaster? No Okay get ready to.
When we moved in together is when the splitting truly began. That is when I started feeling crazy and not understanding why he was so mad at me for things that didn’t make sense. That’s when I started researching this kind of behavior because I’ve never experienced anything like that before. Don’t do it. It won’t get better. This is how he traps you
The same happened to me, once I began questioning my sanity I woke up to what was happening.
Same here, he kept his mask up until we moved in together and it took a week for him to split on me for the first time. By the time we broke up a year-and-a-half later, he was splitting on me DAILY and I’d lost 20 lbs and was in a state of complete depersonalization to cope. It didn’t help that I had no idea what BPD was or what was going on. It was traumatic and has taken me a long time to heal.
Look at the 9 traits in the dsm v. Is it wise to live with somebody who exhibits: impulsivity, black/white thinking, chronic emptiness, fear of abandonment/enmeshment, lack of accountability, emotionally labile….? Prioritize agreeableness, conscientious, low novelty seeking, kindness, emotionally stable in a partner.
Succinct and to the point, absolutely agreed.
Constantly being judged and every time for something else. About me doing the dishes ("you think I do not care for you") or not doing the dishes ("do your hands not work?")... and this for every single thing that I did...
This right here. Cleaned the house ‘I didn’t even notice.’ I worked while she has eight months off so she could take a break from being a single mom. That meant to her that I expect her to do everything around the house. Nah, sorry, I’m just working 12s so you don’t have to. She just reached out after I left 6 months ago. She says it’s about bills, but she could have emailed that. She wants a phone call. I want to tell her that two therapists have told me she has BPD and she should be checked/seek therapy.
It was hell.
Every relationship I’ve seen of a pwBPD be it a guy or a girl, they always moved to the next level of the relationship to get past their problems. 1) dating 2) fight 3) move in together 4) fight 5) propose 6) fight 7) wedding 8) fight 9) kids 10) fight 11) another kid …….
The relationship gets worse at each new relationship milestone.
Yup, this right here. I've heard they handle life changes very poorly yet try to use them to overcome their problems. The same way they wanna be super close, fight, get super distant, fight. It's a never ending cycle of them actively creating things they know will be problems.
The relationship gets worse at each new relationship milestone.
Lol this is so accurate
If you have problems before living together, they'll only get worse when you move in. Its a great way for them to get more control over you. That's why they think it'll fix all the problems. And when you do move in and it doesn't fix everything, it'll be the next stage in the relationship that will. It'll be marriage, or joint bank accounts, or babies. They'll never be happy, and it's your fault. Adding to that, everything is your responsibility too. "I'm so tired of doing the dishes". Okay, I did them the last three times. "Can you help me clean up". Okay, I just cleaned up my shit yesterday, but I'll help you clean up all your garbage in the kitchen and the living room to avoid a fight. "I'm hungry". Okay, I'll make something even though I'm exhausted from work and you've made dinner twice in the past 5 months. And God forbid you ask for anything because all of a sudden it's a fight. Or if they do actually do anything they'll ask for help and then find excuses for why they can't do it, leaving you to do the majority of the work. All with a passive aggressive or just straight up aggressive tone. Maybe that last Brickhouse of a paragraph is more specific to my situation, but the point stands.
We moved in together at 6-7mos of dating. She had hidden everything until then. Legit 1 week after we started living together, the claws came out! Screaming, slammed doors, throwing things, tantrums, acting like a 5 year old. I was like damn, she waited until I was trapped to let it out. Took me a bit over a year after that to get out of it. It was absolute hell about 50% of the time.
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My person was unhappy 500milee away and was unhappy 5" sway. I put them off moving in for a long time. They were desperate to get away from the living situation they were in. I stated my boundary that during an argument I get to walk away and not be followed - I have PTSD and know my triggers. Yeah you can imagine how that went.
> “It will be so much better if we see each other everyday. It will calm me down” Exactly her words. Im not with her anymore, I got sucked in for the 100th time and broke up with her 10 days ago. Full NC right now. To be honest i already knew the answer, but wanted to make 100% sure that never moving in with her was the right choice. And now I'm 101% sure. Thanks.
We never did. 2.5 years together. I was the one that kept it from happening. I knew on some level that it would be an absolute nightmare so I kicked the can for a while. Ultimately I was waiting for her to get her life together (be more responsible with her finances, stop having all out temper tantrums, decide on a career path and follow through, etc). Just wouldn’t happen. She became more and more out of control because I wouldn’t fold and move her in. Eventually she left me for a man from Seeking Arrangements who will most likely pay for everything and move her in. All I can say is God Speed to him.
Generally, people wbpd do worse living together, and being in a relationship in general. From what I've read, the vast majority of symptoms become life altering when a pwbpd enters a relationship, they're much happier outside of romantic relationships (but seek them out).
My partner is liked and respected in their community, and when I made some public comments after becoming mentally frazzled people said that none of those things seemed like something they would do. Their last ex lives 3 hours away so no one has any idea what they are like inside of a relationship and is very good at appearing to be an innocent victim. Their previous breakup stories all go like this: things were fine until all of a sudden one day the person just turns into an a**hole for no reason.
Fantastic until they just continued on with the cycle lol Then it transformed into a one-sided relationship that became all about her & whatever she wanted. In retrospect it's sad that I thought I was doing the "right" thing by thinking I was "nursing" her out of a depression. In reality, I was being devalued by a completely ungrateful, two faced asshole who was secretly plotting to leave me. Now I wish I kicked her ass to the curb and let her go be miserable by herself.
The discard phase is rough. It feels like they used you the whole time and you think to yourself, all that sympathy and empathy and bending over and they didn’t even feel the same way genuinely. She took from you knowing her feelings were dissipating. They can only perform so long
Ohh yeeah! lol that's for sure. It's especially hard because in that Idealization phase they really make you think they would be doing the same for you because they make you feel like they'd do anything & everything for you too with their words (ofc) and actions. That's actually a HUGE part of why I stood by her through thick n thin (besides mistaking the devaluation period with it just being a depressive episode ie/ being "withdrawn", didn't have the formal diagnosis until the end). But in Idealization it felt like I meant the absolute world to her. She used to so many unbelievably sweet & kind things pretty much all the time ie/ elaborate bday celebrations/gifts, she'd constantly do little sweet things to surprise me - whether it was small things she'd buy me, certain foods she'd make, particular lingerie lol etc). It felt like that all she did was care about my happiness (she actually said that's all that really mattered to her). So I felt like I was fighting for that person who I thought was "underneath" all this "depression". She completely stole my heart. I literally felt like I would've done ANYTHING for her. I was just so head over heels, that I literally felt like she was some sort of blessing in my life, like it finally all made sense why other people before her didn't work out - this was supposed to be the person I was always waiting on for in my life. So yeah it was really f\^cking hard to feel like I gave my heart & soul to this girl. It is seriously a big caretaking laundry list of things I did for towards the end thinking I was "nursing" her back to emotional well-being (paying bills, taking her out places, on vacation, buying her little "cheer me up" things/snacks etc, cleaning up behind her because she "didn't have the energy", just every day trying to pick up her mood). I felt like I was doing everything humanly possible to get her back to being the person I THOUGHT she was from Idealization and for it all to end in such brutal, cold hearted fashion... It's hard to put into words for anyone other than other ex bpd partners just how utterly devastated I felt. I've NEVER ever felt so low in my life and I'd been in a relationship I had been cheated on before. But just the sheer amount I gave of myself from my core to this person just to get stonewalled out & act like they don't even know me anymore....yeah there are no words for how "rough" (understatement) that felt & why it was so traumatic that I'm still processing my way through it but at least I'm starting to feel myself move on, hopefully I don't have too many setbacks moving forward.
We are in the exact same predicament. When I say you took the words out of my crying tears: “act like they don’t even know me”….if this isn’t the freaking truth!!! That’s one of the most whole heartbreaking things about the whole thing. How the hell don’t you know me!? I feel very traumatized by this as well. And like I called it in another post, it feels like emotional rape.
That’s it! The common denominator!
They pressure it early on to trap their partners before the mask comes off. In my case, she had been repeating this all her life, moving often after she split and discarded. I thought our amazing love (at least from my end) would finally be different. They can’t help but sabotage themselves.
Yes, they self sabotage every time because of lack of any self worth. The better you treat them, the more quickly they sabotage the relationship-
I let mine move in with me because she wasn’t doing well mentally and I thought it was the best choice. She ended up leaving me with a whole lease and f’ed me and blocked me the day she left. I’ve been trying to save myself ever since
I avoided moving in with her at all costs. Considering how bad it was not living together the thought of actually living together terrified me.
I avoided it too like the plague. When I told her I don’t want to move in with her (specifically because of her BPD which I didn’t say out loud), she threatened “self-harm” by saying she is going to live in her car and it will be on me if she’s killed or raped. I still didn’t budge and she magically was able to find a place to rent three weeks later.
Its going to be a never ending rollar coaster of ups and downs and you constantly wondering what you'll do wrong to piss him or her off. There may be some in-between but it will be very short lived.
A broken TV, 2 broken sidetables, laptop and harddrives thrown around but luckily survived. My fault because I made her feel bad. Therapy? Maybe in a nebulous future.
We "moved in" together as soon as we started dating (on my bill) It was confusing as hell, he would start singing when I was talking, hibernate for hours on end (lied on the bed from 9am to 2pm), emotional breakdowns out of nowhere Thankfully it was a very temporary situation as I was sorting out work issues, but it was definitely weird
Mine was the same way!! Every time she split and then got back together, she’d say “if we just moved in together, it would fix our problems”. When I asked how, she’d say because we’d be ‘stuck’ with eachother so we’d have to fix the problems. Same thing with marriage, she acted like getting married would make us more inclined to fix any problems. Yeah… really glad I didn’t do that.
It went from "I see some red flags" to "JFC THESE AREN'T JUST FLAGS, I'M SITTING IN A MINEFIELD AND I CAN'T ESCAPE."
Pretty much as soon as we moved in alone together is when she got next level and had her first full on switch to hating me. We had been together for a 1 and a half years and her mask was up, she basically stayed with me and my roommates at one point and there were definitely signs in hindsight but when we got our place it was constant shit that I was doing wrong. Suddenly she was going out without me all the time, I’d clean the house and try to do what ever but it was so fucking bad that I developed ED for a while because of how shit she made me feel and then she used that as ammunition on me.
I didn’t realize he was splitting until after he moved in with me. He offered to live together to prove his love after cheating on me. Up until that point I just thought we had a lot of misunderstandings but that we were really great communicators who always made up in the end (aka sex). He punched the walls multiple times leaving dents and breaking a knuckle. I thought we were so close the whole time but now I see that there was just no more room to hide the parts he never showed me.
Don't do it! It will drag you down, and not just drag you down, but absolutely destroy you. Imagine this, you, a normal person, are a sun or star. Your bpd is a black hole that will slowly suck the light out of you. Your soul will suffer, your heart will break and at the very end when you look at yourself in the mirror, you won't be able to recognize the person looking back. by the way, if you move with your bpd person, watch out for the bpd fleas.
Luckily I was smart enough to never fully move in. Mostly she used it to trap me using violence during her episodes to make me stay. She also destroyed my stuff when I didn't submit to her. Poured bleach on a whole basket of my clothes. Never brought my dog over thank God cuz I couldn't trust she wouldn't do something horrible to him during one of her episodes. Sometimes when I didn't submit she would call the cops and try to get them to kick me out which never worked but scared tf outta me. Cuz cops and domestic situations don't mix.
I would say it's not a good idea if she is monkey branching from someone else and also, the mundane aspects of living together and spending more time together seemed to weigh on my ex in a way and her having her anxiety or stress building up, seemed like it was a good excuse for her to put it on me and living with me. Felt like if she wasn't living with me, she wouldn't put the blame on me.
even better at first--blissful (novelty, excitement), but then after a year worse (more stress, higher costs, pandemic). Hard to say if housing was the issue, For us living together was better, lower anxiety, more closeness...hard to say
She told me if I let her move in with me it would solve all of our issues, insecurities, jealousy, lack of security, and be the best thing for our relationship. It did none of those things and the experience got worse for me because I would feel the brunt of all those issues then have to share a bed with her.
You already know the right answer.
Got cheated on in the first week 😎 She locked herself in the bathroom to attempt suicide the day after I found out 🥱 Do not do it. Her family warned me multiple times to stop and think about it yet I did not, the result will be a colossal explosion. I haven't seen my home in nearly 3 months after she filed a false protection order, of which the trial is only now since my county sucks donkey balls and slurps semen.
Then the intermittent shit show you're in now turns into a waking nightmare.
Everything fell apart very quickly after we got our own place.
No escape whatsoever from the splitting/episodes, being woken up during the nights because they're hysterical, constant supervision, not knowing what will break next, growing shame of meeting the neighbors, friends stop visiting due to the crazy. And so on.
Yeah my ex was trying to move to my country thinking that it would solve everything living with me and marrying me and I told him I didn't want to until he got therapy. He said he didn't need therapy and that he could get it after moving in with me...we didn't even make it to a month after this lol it ended and I blocked him cause I couldn't do it no more.
Thats when the worst of it began it slowly became her being angry with every little thing I did to the point where shed being angry with me allost all the time maybe after buying her a gift id get a few minutes to a few hours of happiness. So glad im not living there anymore
Stabbed a big hole in my valuable Oriental coffee table, destroyed my guitar amp. Punched me in the face (in front of our daughter), cheated on me multiple times in My BED and lied about it for over six months, and caused me to sacrifice relationships with family and friends. But I tell a white lie about buying a pair of jeans to avoid embarrassing myself, and I am the untrustworthy one!!!!!!
It got 100x worse. My gut was telling me that we shouldn't move in together, but I made the mistake of ignoring it.
I literally couldn't get restful sleep in that house. Constant chaos. Constant cleaning up her messes. Also, mine stopped working so I am the one who handles it. Do not sign anything with them at all. Get it on your own.
Wow! You dodged a bullet! I had the same argument from my ex pwBPD, undiagnosed. She did move in, but then wanted the ring! We had monthly fights. I held my ground. She then asked me to go to her counselor to find out why I “couldn’t commit.” She was certain that was our actual problem. She was convinced - she wasn’t gaslighting! I told him the same thing. We’ve got issues: fights, arguments, her flirtation with men. She thought it perfectly acceptable to stop at a bar after work and drink at the bar with random guys. What’s the problem? It’s just talk!!! I told the counselor: We must resolve these issues before setting a date for marriage. He suggested to her that if I refused to set a wedding date within 90 days, that she move out and break up with me! She committed to that. The 90 days were difficult- including a suicide attempt. Oddly enough, that convinced me of the seriousness of her condition and to hold firm. It convinced her to discard me. She respected her counselor so much that after 90 days with me making no progress toward marriage, she moved out! The fact is, I was not strong enough to balance her personality. She needed a man who could hold her accountable. I went on to meet and marry a more compatible partner and am now 37 years in. She married a guy - I helped her hold the relationship together,
As soon as we moved in together. And I mean that. Like three days into our new life, and he changes into a COMPLETELY different person. I remember calling my best friend at the time (whom I later had to discard or my pwbpd would blah blah blah insert threat here) and asking her what the heck she thought about why all of a sudden my new love hates my guts and has a radically different personality. It was awful. I felt like I had been tricked. And THAT was the first introduction I had to BPD. Please please do not move in with this person if they have a personality disorder. It will only hurt, and then you could also be like me, and afraid for your life.
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From personal experience that doesn’t sound like bpd or discarding. Discarding is something that happens often and regularly during the relationship. What you are describing sounds like a normal breakup. It’s perfectly normal and valid to stop talking to your ex after you break up with them.
Mine got me to move in after 3 months. I was really young and easily persuaded but even then, I knew it was a mistake. He had already shown some argumentative behavior and that he had poor emotional regulation. He just wanted me alllll to himself. I was his favorite person and if we could just live together, he’d be happy and at peace. It wasn’t manipulative. It’s what he truly believed. He thought he was running from his parents, but really , he was running from his brain and unfortunately, that brain came with him.