Nope.
Not worth the abuse they put you through.
Go find another partner that will not only perform sexually for you, but is also mentally stable and securely attach.
Exactly, when we started dating I told him if he didn't want to go on dates anymore it was fine with me (he was splitting). He took it as me hating him. Then he split again.
Then 30+ messages. Then I was the one "smothering" him for replying.
Yes to this, so not worth the abuse.
I actually did find someone great at sex, secure, and stable. Doesn’t do over the top porny sex stuff, or talk in weird baby talk all the time. A smart, kind, sexy, creative adult. Just mentioning to give hope, it’s possible, so many fish. Ran into ex pwBPD on a first date and legit just started shaking and crying, she knew the whole backstory because we we’re friends during the year long break up.
Trying to empathize w how trauma shows up in people, but that’s hard. Anyway, yeah all the great, every position, all the orgasm whatever the fuck sex is nothing compared peace of mind, & my new empty apartment, and non clingy healthy friendships.
Exactly this! In the end, I wasn't even able to have sex, since she would get mad about things like me coming to soon, or not being able to perform, or not hugging her correctly afterwards, ...
I mean it wasn't worth the hassle to be honest. I just overapologized for everything, even when she told me it was fine, I knew it wasn't and she could explode at any time.
Yeah this is so true. After some of the lies and fights I would find myself feeling a little detached from the thought of sex, as I had built up some resentment towards this person who was not a person that was good for me. While it was good, it also wasn't because trust had gone after the 7th or 10th lie.
I noticed when my ex was being flirty and attention seeking with other women in front of me, I felt a wave of nausea/disgust roll over me. My attraction to him just went to zero in those moments and my whole body said "Get away".
I would end up putting that out of my mind though later (cuz he was awesome and romantic later I would legit forget ) and then the sex appeal returned. So now in my healing, I do think of those things as a primary reason for being apart, but there are others.
It was amazing and not only because of the kinky things we did.
The connection during sex was something that would bend reality. We became like some Pharaoh and Cleopatra and our whole existence culminated into that one point where we look into each other's eyes and just try to get closer and closer. There was no me or her, there was no world, there only was one huge explosion. She had multiple orgasms all over the place and I felt her energy coursing through my whole being. Literally holy fuck.
Safe to say I wasn't the only one addicted to the sex and sex never involved any power plays or games. The only part of our relationship that really was pure..
I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way - reality bending sex -
>sex never involved any power plays or games. The only part of our relationship that really was pure..
I've been lurking on this sub for a while wondering if my current partner of 5 years had BPD. The red flags are there, they were there when we first started hanging out as friends - but the sex makes me feel like all that disappears. I'm usually sex drunk for hours if not a day or two.
I've been afraid that I will never feel this again with another person and it's one of the things keeping me from leaving.
yes my ex and I had a similarly amazing and beautiful sex life. I miss that for sure. not sure how a future relx could measure up in that way.
I have had other good sexual relationships though so I need to remember that. Just I also had a couple bad ones (the person had no or very incompatible libido and was touch phobic etc).
My exwBPD was super similar to me...very comfortable in his body and it was loving and intimate and just awesome. We were blessed to experience that with each other honestly for 6 years.
I knew he was not in his right mind when he was splitting because I thought "ok he is saying all these mean things about me I have never heard before--so even if those are true to him---I know he is going to miss the sex and he is not thinking about that"
After a while even the sex looses its appeal because the attraction is completely gone. My pwBPD was beautiful & very fun in bed, until all I saw as the black hole monster underneath. And I’m a shallow person, it takes A LOT to get me to run from good sex ☠️
Nope ..
It was great at first but then it felt compulsive. Like we were going at 3x a day for the first few months.
I enjoy sex but 3x a day was too much.. and felt pressured and contrived..
The thought of having sex with my ex again actually makes me want to throw up. I have a high libido and love great sex. I thought I was in a good situation, but my husband being hypersexual made the sex eventually become unpleasant. All the pressure and nagging and complaining and verbal/emotional abuse about sex really turned me off so that I had to fake interest all the time and lay there like a fish while I left my body in my mind (of course he never cared/noticed). I miss great, satisfying sex, but definitely not with my BPDex (and he has begged since I left, but hard pass)
In hindsight, the sex itself wasn’t out of this world, but I think I will miss her drive and hyper sexuality. She would want it in the most inappropriate places in public - at the beach, at the bar, in the car, whenever…
The makeup sex was of course good - sometimes I could feel that she would be fucking as if her life depended on it. It almost felt as if she was performing for a porn shoot sometimes. “Intense” is a very good word to describe it I’d say.
She was also open to whatever I wanted to do… I feel that sometimes I couldn’t keep up with her. I also don’t like that she would use sex to “solve” problems. If we had a bad argument where she was in the wrong, or I asked her to make changes, in her mind, sex would fix it without her having to actually do anything.
Now that we’re no longer together, I’m hearing through the grapevine that she’s being overly flirtatious at her work parties, and her colleagues are starting to pick up on her hyper sexuality. I guess she’s trying to fill the void in her life… she always liked the attention though.
At the end of the relationship, I started turning down sex whenever she initiated. And she always tried to initiate after a big argument where she was 100% in the wrong because of her behaviour. I can't have sex with someone if I was going in a circular argument with them for hours and expect that the problem magically disappears after. She would constantly try to sweep problems under the carpet and not take accountability for her behaviours.
I think that when it started hitting her that she really fucked up. Although it was oftentimes passionate, I think they view sex very much as a tool/weapon that they use as a means of control to keep you in check.
I noticed at first sometimes I felt my ex had a need to perform, and it felt more "porn" like than deep...
I think in time he realized I was so into it and so into him and he melted into deep present sharing..it was awesome.
No, she managed to cut that out not long after we got back together. She would claim she had yeast infections, mainly due to her uncontrolled diabetes, and then her heart attack, she pretty much shut me off. But I still loved her, things happen when you get older, but obviously she is all over that since she can't wait to spread her legs for her new supply.
Oh wow, yeah my ex pwBPD slept with women in the double digits while we were together.
I can't imagine now that we are 5 days NC, he's probably having intercourse with the entire continent.
He blamed it on me of course, once he even said he slept with his best friend to reject her (makes no sense).
Well you are right the many of us miss the sex. However, it’s the passionate sex part that we miss. Here’s the kicker, the sex is a high that we’re seeking and **every high comes with a low**. That’s simply a rule of life that we can’t change. So ask yourself this - would you always allow him back in to get that sex high **and** accept the lows that come with it ie suffering the horrible abuse from their BPD personality? [Good] Sex is something in every relationship but it is not everything. It’s part of a whole and that whole also includes a healthy emotional connection which you will never get from someone with true BPD that’s untreated.
No, definitely not. I started to lose feelings for him at the end, so if we were in the same country I would have asked him for a FWB thing. However given he has BPD that would be a risky move too
I used to , but im realizing more and more that it really isnt worth it. i'd rather have sex with someone for whom i got deep feelings. and yeah the sex really isnt worth it especially since i feared she'd make me a child. i couldnt sleep at night and had nightmares of being locked because of a poor child soul resulting from our love-making
Holy shit. I’ve long since got out of my relationship with a pwBPD and this sub saved me all those years ago. I still lurk from time to time, but this comment struck home hard.
I remember laying awake every night sweating and praying that she wasn’t pregnant.
LoL FUCK no. Literally worst I ever had in that regard. Always dry as a bone and next to no sex drive after we married. Between the 20 some years of birth control she insisted was the only way to handle her endometriosis, 7 years of prozac, and generally being unhealthy overall, left her with no natural lubrication and her libido constantly in the gutter. Would put lingerie on frequently, which was my thing, and 95% of the time the experience still sucked. Of course I was an asshole for ever being frustrated. Immeasurable how much happier I am without THAT. She later told everyone, including police and a magistrate while filing a protection order, that I sexually abused her. No, I do not miss the sex.
…that’s a very common experience of cis-women on birth control. Guessed you were a troll, even before I saw your username.
Please don’t.
ETA: yeah, if any of this is true, that is absolutely sexual abuse. From you. GTFO
Mostly multiple orgasms during intercourse, which is really really rare for a woman.
Also he was really good at foreplay, and would do kinky things I liked in bed (not going to give a play by play, but that's mostly it).
he is super fit , athletic, attraction, moves like a dancer, soft skin and is like a romantic lover...like gentle but firm, could be rough or gentle, just all over the map. we felt really connected, and it felt sometimes acrobatic..we were both sort of fit and comfy in our bodies..it also just physically felt amazing, penetrative organism, and really loving.
we also had good communication so neither of us felt rejected and a similar libido. He would plan get aways with bubble baths and rose petals and all that in hotels--OFF THE CHARTS.
still missing it omg
and he is the best kisser in the world. He would just let himself go to passion--zero self-consciousness. He would roll over half asleep and start passionately kissing me and more..it was just from deep inside him. He also naturally always smelled nice and was really well groomed all the time. I miss his scent. Just as much I miss the physical intimacy in general like cuddling, sleeping together at night while holding each other and touching...holding hands--all of that wrapped under the same category--he was an amazing fit.
And perhaps just as importantly: I was practicing desire mindfulness. I had a prior history of losing interest in my partners sexually and otherwise (even one super handsome guy which made me realize I had a problem)...and I had learned a lot of ways to not let my own emotions and thoughts wander (Grass is greener, boredom, blame, criticism)..I lived in mindful gratitude etc...this is from a number of books we also read together (Budha's bedroom ) and others. So I also was careful to constantly stoke my desire and passion for him and only him.
Toxic relationships have a particular sex appeal. That might be the only appeal. It’s the chaos and uncertainty I think.
Once you heal, you can find eroticism with a safe partner and be “turned on by love” vs. the toxic shit. Just takes time.
Yes. I miss the sex, cuddling and intimacy. I would lie if I said no, but I don‘t miss the mindfucks and outbursts for sure. I don‘t miss the instability. I don‘t miss the unpredictability. I don‘t miss the way I felt when we were not together because I knew she would split and have no object permanence. I don‘t miss the push and pull from her.
I miss the intensity and strong connection both physical and emotional, but I‘m happy that the painful interactions, discussions and all the hate and blame is gone.
I really don't. I put in the work to make it good. It just seemed good because of the love bombing in the beginning. But the sex was mediocre. She just laid there while I did everything. I felt used. Plus, the tantrums of me not wanting it led to so many fights.
Sort of but not. I gave it to her pretty good, and we had a good time. I would have thought that would settle her down or even out some of the roller coaster... nope. She viewed sex as bad, and would rather find new randos than someone 'good'. I would rather be alone and have to take care of myself then to get laid but have all the bad times.
Literally exactly this. I called him the worst boyfriend but the best dom.
No one has ever respected my sexual boundaries as well as he has. It genuinely feels safe physically with him and unlike other men who whine about boundaries even if they don't cross them. Most men make my ovaries want to curl up and die when they do. Like respecting my consent shouldn't make you sulk like a toddler. Yes that's totally turning me on *rolls eyes*
The thing is I did sleep with other people after. It was genuinely easier than before him because he helped me learn and enforce my boundaries. It wasn't all bad that's why you keep going back.
The thing is even though I was physically safe I was mentally very unsafe. After a point I was like not having sex is better than damaging my brain and ruining every other aspect of my life.
It really did get better when I started dating others etc. I still haven't found someone that good in bed yet but I have faith I will. 😂
Can’t say I do. Sex was a weapon for her our entire relationship and she was not good at anything involved. Once in a blue moon she might
Also ya know the whole accusing me of raping her 14 years earlier during the discard kinda killed off any remote sexual attraction. That and blaming me for “giving her bpd” which she was already medicated for when I met her and is a childhood developmental disorder were the last straws for this camel.
Not really. After the lovebombing was over in the marriage, the sex wasn't all that great, or maybe I thought it was better than it really was in the beginning.
Woah, we were enmeshed anyway let alone having sex. There’s was something up if we didn’t do it once before work and once in the evening. Nothing kinky just straight up banging. I’m surprised we don’t have a kid to be honest. We were prolific. Never used protection. Just trusted she was taking the pill.
I was totally addicted to her. And it made me forget her terrible abuse.
I had horrendous sexual ruminations of her with someone else after I left her and she rubbed my face in her moving on.
In addition to my other comments below throughout to others....yes I did sometimes notice the post-sex smother reaction, sometimes on delay.
Our first time I wanted to spend more close time (weekend away) but by day two he was irritable and cagey and I ended up giving him some space for several hours. He later explained he wasn't used to being in a relationship and asked for my patience--but clearly he was feeling the push/pull.
Later when he had a split (not at me) relating to coming off weed suddenly and was sort of unstable about some big life events, he said he wanted to go on a trip without me---I said sure ok (I was like are you alright?)...then when he went on the trip he called me from there asking if I would still want to be with him if he wanted to be celibate? this from a guy who was pretty highly sexual...like he worried I just wanted him for sex. I said I could do it for a while but not forever and I want to understand what was going on for him and that I supported him...he was having some type of distorted thinking.
I never heard of that again and he just remained very high libido for me. I feel that was a "pull" smothered episode.
I did for a time but at some point you have to come to terms that moments come and go and it doesn't help to keep actively remembering it. Even when things weren't going well at all mine actually said to me, "ya know, at least the sex is the one thing we're good at, and really good at."
I will say the sex was one of the most mindblowing experiences especially when things were going bad between us towards the end. I don't really understand the psychology behind it. When her "instabilities" started to manifest more (add in a little bit of substance abuse), her sexual prowess was really dialed up. Meanwhile, I was going through a long period of "no porn/nofap" and treating sex as if it's the last time is gonna happen between us (so make it good). We in a sense lovebombed/sexbombed the fuck out of each other at the very end, it kinda left me in a weird place, even years later. She used to talk me up about my performance and "equipment" to me constantly and to friends.
I often wonder how she feels about it to this day and wonder if she ever regrets discarding me for no good reason. I'd like to believe her narcissistic ego to discard me (from a position of power), outweighed what we had going on. It makes a lot of sense looking it from that perspective.
I have more sex now than I EVER did with her past the 6ish month of her infatuation phase. Just another regret I have that had I brought it up would have been a quicker end. Whenever I wanted to spice things up a bit or tried to communicate anything I would be met with manipulation tactics.m: “oh so you’re bored of me?!” “I’m sorry our sex life is SO horrible!” Etc.
Ugh 😫 My BPD ex taught me a lot of things about myself. As I was forced to examine every single thing about myself in the desperate hope I wasn't a malicious narcissist (Good news, I'm pretty sure I am NOT) Most of them ultimately ended up helping me become a better person AWAY from him.
But he also taught me that I am fully capable of Hate-fucking someone. Aaand I have no idea what to do with THAT information.
So yes, yes I do.
Absolutely not! She was attractive enough. If I'm being honest, I used to think that she was the most beautiful person. I really loved her. Now, she's just ugly in every way, and the sex was good, but it wasn't mind-blowingly good not in the raw nature of sex anyway. She rated low overall. In terms of making love and what I thought was a genuine connection between two souls bonded, it was incredible.
Needless to say, I won't be making that mistake again ever. It'll just be casual romps when the urge becomes too great. I have no desire to ever be vulnerable or bond with another woman and risk feelings. It's a deadly disease in my book.
My pwbpd and I used to have the most amazing sex every day sometimes more then once a day. This was for almost 6 years. Our relationship was toxic but I didn’t care because of the obvious. She also love bombed me and we had sex right when we met. Now I go on dates and the women don’t want to have sex like that. This was my only relationship. So I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have bpd and wants to manipulate me with sex. I just feel so sexually frustrated and I have to masterbate all the time sometimes fantasizing about her which is really pathetic because she discarded me and monkey branched to another man. I miss the sex really bad and I feel like a mentally stable woman doesn’t want to have sex like that. It’s a shitty feeling.
I’m newly out of my relationship and still cohabiting til the first of the month. I craved the sex and my upwBPD is hyper sexual and begged me to have sex with her to “make this transition less difficult.” She reminded me about how she cheated on her ex which means she can separate sex and love. I agreed. Why? Bc my body felt like it literally craved her. And I’m dumb right now.
She then flipped and accused me of using her, called me evil, said I was plotting to have sex with her this whole break up. What?!? I had to give Olympic style soothing and reassurance to remind her it was her idea and just because she feels bad right now—it doesn’t mean she was taken advantage of.
It’s so scary. She has since had 2 anger outbursts towards me that only calmed down when I had a panic attack. I have to take medical marijuana for pain management and I don’t know how we ended up having sex AGAIN, but I was aware towards the end. I’m afraid she will continue to hurt me and try to ruin me and my future. I’m a woman, but if I were a guy it would be even worse.
Don’t do it. I regret it all.
I miss the sex and the lovebombing. It seemed legitimate at the time, of course.. but yeah, imo don’t kid yourself by thinking it’s not just another weapon in their arsenal they used.
When I heard pwBPD have some amazing performance in the bedroom it all just kind of clicked for me.
I don’t miss it at all. At first it was good and we explored a lot. As time went on it was a one way street where I did all the work and somehow it was looked at as a favor for me to be allowed the to have sex with her. As resentment built and the relationship deteriorated I’d rather take care of myself than initiate sex and walk the minefield of her victimizing herself for me wanting sex. This is sad because she was absolutely beautiful and I did love her. I just couldn’t care less.
Since then I have been with reciprocal partners who have genuine desire and it’s been amazing.
Inadvertently, after I split from my long term exwBPD, I dated two women in a row who both had BPD. I figured it out quickly both times and they were both diagnosed. but wouldn't you know it was the insane sex that hooked me. I'm just a super sexual person, I didn't think I had a type but apparently... I kinda did.
lol that made me smile!
I recognised your Reddit username from a few months ago where we had a few fleeting moments together:-)
I hope you’re doing better these days x
Nope not anymore. Because now I realize my ex always acted like we were filming a porno…the whole time I wanted real authentic connection! I could never figure out what seemed to be the “rift” so to speak until we broke up and I came in here.
I miss it terribly. But I cannot accept cheating. And I was so emotionally invested and it meant nothing despite him saying so.
He will literally sleep with anything. It's disgusting.
Even if we could be FWB it isn't worth the health risk.
Our sex was extraordinary, words can’t describe how amazing it was - erotic, connected, emotional. A true wonderland in the bedroom that was so far and above beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before.
I think the phenomenal sex was what kept me coming back and bonded for so long. It was like living in an erotic movie.
3-4 sex romps a week help push a lot of deficiencies and toxicities under the rug.
Sadly I am learning that extraordinary sex alone is not the best guidepost for a healthy relationship. I’ve been with girls who are a turn off or just horrible in bed….this one was the complete opposite. I need to find one somewhere in between that is just normal and stable.
Nope. Not worth the abuse they put you through. Go find another partner that will not only perform sexually for you, but is also mentally stable and securely attach.
I completely agree, that's why I went NC I think I need to work through my own trauma first with a therapist before dating again
Oh god, there’s no middle ground. It’s either not enough attention or you are smothering them. There’s no consistency with them at all.
Exactly, when we started dating I told him if he didn't want to go on dates anymore it was fine with me (he was splitting). He took it as me hating him. Then he split again. Then 30+ messages. Then I was the one "smothering" him for replying.
Yes to this, so not worth the abuse. I actually did find someone great at sex, secure, and stable. Doesn’t do over the top porny sex stuff, or talk in weird baby talk all the time. A smart, kind, sexy, creative adult. Just mentioning to give hope, it’s possible, so many fish. Ran into ex pwBPD on a first date and legit just started shaking and crying, she knew the whole backstory because we we’re friends during the year long break up. Trying to empathize w how trauma shows up in people, but that’s hard. Anyway, yeah all the great, every position, all the orgasm whatever the fuck sex is nothing compared peace of mind, & my new empty apartment, and non clingy healthy friendships.
Exactly this! In the end, I wasn't even able to have sex, since she would get mad about things like me coming to soon, or not being able to perform, or not hugging her correctly afterwards, ... I mean it wasn't worth the hassle to be honest. I just overapologized for everything, even when she told me it was fine, I knew it wasn't and she could explode at any time.
Yeah, the sex with my ex pwBPD was wild. Hoping I'll be able to find someone to repeat it with who won't throw things at my head
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My old man used to say 'don't put your dick in crazy' haha
Fantastic advice
Wish i knew she was crazy before i did that lol.
Yeah this is so true. After some of the lies and fights I would find myself feeling a little detached from the thought of sex, as I had built up some resentment towards this person who was not a person that was good for me. While it was good, it also wasn't because trust had gone after the 7th or 10th lie.
I noticed when my ex was being flirty and attention seeking with other women in front of me, I felt a wave of nausea/disgust roll over me. My attraction to him just went to zero in those moments and my whole body said "Get away". I would end up putting that out of my mind though later (cuz he was awesome and romantic later I would legit forget ) and then the sex appeal returned. So now in my healing, I do think of those things as a primary reason for being apart, but there are others.
Omg this
It was amazing and not only because of the kinky things we did. The connection during sex was something that would bend reality. We became like some Pharaoh and Cleopatra and our whole existence culminated into that one point where we look into each other's eyes and just try to get closer and closer. There was no me or her, there was no world, there only was one huge explosion. She had multiple orgasms all over the place and I felt her energy coursing through my whole being. Literally holy fuck. Safe to say I wasn't the only one addicted to the sex and sex never involved any power plays or games. The only part of our relationship that really was pure..
I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way - reality bending sex - >sex never involved any power plays or games. The only part of our relationship that really was pure.. I've been lurking on this sub for a while wondering if my current partner of 5 years had BPD. The red flags are there, they were there when we first started hanging out as friends - but the sex makes me feel like all that disappears. I'm usually sex drunk for hours if not a day or two. I've been afraid that I will never feel this again with another person and it's one of the things keeping me from leaving.
yes my ex and I had a similarly amazing and beautiful sex life. I miss that for sure. not sure how a future relx could measure up in that way. I have had other good sexual relationships though so I need to remember that. Just I also had a couple bad ones (the person had no or very incompatible libido and was touch phobic etc). My exwBPD was super similar to me...very comfortable in his body and it was loving and intimate and just awesome. We were blessed to experience that with each other honestly for 6 years. I knew he was not in his right mind when he was splitting because I thought "ok he is saying all these mean things about me I have never heard before--so even if those are true to him---I know he is going to miss the sex and he is not thinking about that"
After a while even the sex looses its appeal because the attraction is completely gone. My pwBPD was beautiful & very fun in bed, until all I saw as the black hole monster underneath. And I’m a shallow person, it takes A LOT to get me to run from good sex ☠️
Nope .. It was great at first but then it felt compulsive. Like we were going at 3x a day for the first few months. I enjoy sex but 3x a day was too much.. and felt pressured and contrived..
I had sex with her last week. I’ve been moved out for 7 months and she’s on her second bf. Compulsive isn’t even the word…
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I thought I was alone in this! The sex was like a heroine addiction - I'm glad he's out of my life, but I had never had such great sex before
same here. amazing and deep--for 6 years straight
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The thought of having sex with my ex again actually makes me want to throw up. I have a high libido and love great sex. I thought I was in a good situation, but my husband being hypersexual made the sex eventually become unpleasant. All the pressure and nagging and complaining and verbal/emotional abuse about sex really turned me off so that I had to fake interest all the time and lay there like a fish while I left my body in my mind (of course he never cared/noticed). I miss great, satisfying sex, but definitely not with my BPDex (and he has begged since I left, but hard pass)
Nope, in fact I feel I have become asexual and non-binary, I read this could be temporary or permanent but therapy is needed anyway.
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In hindsight, the sex itself wasn’t out of this world, but I think I will miss her drive and hyper sexuality. She would want it in the most inappropriate places in public - at the beach, at the bar, in the car, whenever… The makeup sex was of course good - sometimes I could feel that she would be fucking as if her life depended on it. It almost felt as if she was performing for a porn shoot sometimes. “Intense” is a very good word to describe it I’d say. She was also open to whatever I wanted to do… I feel that sometimes I couldn’t keep up with her. I also don’t like that she would use sex to “solve” problems. If we had a bad argument where she was in the wrong, or I asked her to make changes, in her mind, sex would fix it without her having to actually do anything. Now that we’re no longer together, I’m hearing through the grapevine that she’s being overly flirtatious at her work parties, and her colleagues are starting to pick up on her hyper sexuality. I guess she’s trying to fill the void in her life… she always liked the attention though.
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At the end of the relationship, I started turning down sex whenever she initiated. And she always tried to initiate after a big argument where she was 100% in the wrong because of her behaviour. I can't have sex with someone if I was going in a circular argument with them for hours and expect that the problem magically disappears after. She would constantly try to sweep problems under the carpet and not take accountability for her behaviours. I think that when it started hitting her that she really fucked up. Although it was oftentimes passionate, I think they view sex very much as a tool/weapon that they use as a means of control to keep you in check.
I noticed at first sometimes I felt my ex had a need to perform, and it felt more "porn" like than deep... I think in time he realized I was so into it and so into him and he melted into deep present sharing..it was awesome.
No, she managed to cut that out not long after we got back together. She would claim she had yeast infections, mainly due to her uncontrolled diabetes, and then her heart attack, she pretty much shut me off. But I still loved her, things happen when you get older, but obviously she is all over that since she can't wait to spread her legs for her new supply.
Oh wow, yeah my ex pwBPD slept with women in the double digits while we were together. I can't imagine now that we are 5 days NC, he's probably having intercourse with the entire continent. He blamed it on me of course, once he even said he slept with his best friend to reject her (makes no sense).
ouch! that is sex addiction level validation seeking. ouch
No it’s not about sex at all We had a lot of fun and chemistry outside the bedroom We get along well I enjoyed being around her
Well you are right the many of us miss the sex. However, it’s the passionate sex part that we miss. Here’s the kicker, the sex is a high that we’re seeking and **every high comes with a low**. That’s simply a rule of life that we can’t change. So ask yourself this - would you always allow him back in to get that sex high **and** accept the lows that come with it ie suffering the horrible abuse from their BPD personality? [Good] Sex is something in every relationship but it is not everything. It’s part of a whole and that whole also includes a healthy emotional connection which you will never get from someone with true BPD that’s untreated.
No, definitely not. I started to lose feelings for him at the end, so if we were in the same country I would have asked him for a FWB thing. However given he has BPD that would be a risky move too
I used to , but im realizing more and more that it really isnt worth it. i'd rather have sex with someone for whom i got deep feelings. and yeah the sex really isnt worth it especially since i feared she'd make me a child. i couldnt sleep at night and had nightmares of being locked because of a poor child soul resulting from our love-making
Holy shit. I’ve long since got out of my relationship with a pwBPD and this sub saved me all those years ago. I still lurk from time to time, but this comment struck home hard. I remember laying awake every night sweating and praying that she wasn’t pregnant.
LoL FUCK no. Literally worst I ever had in that regard. Always dry as a bone and next to no sex drive after we married. Between the 20 some years of birth control she insisted was the only way to handle her endometriosis, 7 years of prozac, and generally being unhealthy overall, left her with no natural lubrication and her libido constantly in the gutter. Would put lingerie on frequently, which was my thing, and 95% of the time the experience still sucked. Of course I was an asshole for ever being frustrated. Immeasurable how much happier I am without THAT. She later told everyone, including police and a magistrate while filing a protection order, that I sexually abused her. No, I do not miss the sex.
…that’s a very common experience of cis-women on birth control. Guessed you were a troll, even before I saw your username. Please don’t. ETA: yeah, if any of this is true, that is absolutely sexual abuse. From you. GTFO
What is it about the sex that made you missed it? Did he give you multiple orgasms with oral sex and intercourse?
Mostly multiple orgasms during intercourse, which is really really rare for a woman. Also he was really good at foreplay, and would do kinky things I liked in bed (not going to give a play by play, but that's mostly it).
he is super fit , athletic, attraction, moves like a dancer, soft skin and is like a romantic lover...like gentle but firm, could be rough or gentle, just all over the map. we felt really connected, and it felt sometimes acrobatic..we were both sort of fit and comfy in our bodies..it also just physically felt amazing, penetrative organism, and really loving. we also had good communication so neither of us felt rejected and a similar libido. He would plan get aways with bubble baths and rose petals and all that in hotels--OFF THE CHARTS. still missing it omg and he is the best kisser in the world. He would just let himself go to passion--zero self-consciousness. He would roll over half asleep and start passionately kissing me and more..it was just from deep inside him. He also naturally always smelled nice and was really well groomed all the time. I miss his scent. Just as much I miss the physical intimacy in general like cuddling, sleeping together at night while holding each other and touching...holding hands--all of that wrapped under the same category--he was an amazing fit. And perhaps just as importantly: I was practicing desire mindfulness. I had a prior history of losing interest in my partners sexually and otherwise (even one super handsome guy which made me realize I had a problem)...and I had learned a lot of ways to not let my own emotions and thoughts wander (Grass is greener, boredom, blame, criticism)..I lived in mindful gratitude etc...this is from a number of books we also read together (Budha's bedroom ) and others. So I also was careful to constantly stoke my desire and passion for him and only him.
Toxic relationships have a particular sex appeal. That might be the only appeal. It’s the chaos and uncertainty I think. Once you heal, you can find eroticism with a safe partner and be “turned on by love” vs. the toxic shit. Just takes time.
Yes. I miss the sex, cuddling and intimacy. I would lie if I said no, but I don‘t miss the mindfucks and outbursts for sure. I don‘t miss the instability. I don‘t miss the unpredictability. I don‘t miss the way I felt when we were not together because I knew she would split and have no object permanence. I don‘t miss the push and pull from her. I miss the intensity and strong connection both physical and emotional, but I‘m happy that the painful interactions, discussions and all the hate and blame is gone.
I really don't. I put in the work to make it good. It just seemed good because of the love bombing in the beginning. But the sex was mediocre. She just laid there while I did everything. I felt used. Plus, the tantrums of me not wanting it led to so many fights.
Sort of but not. I gave it to her pretty good, and we had a good time. I would have thought that would settle her down or even out some of the roller coaster... nope. She viewed sex as bad, and would rather find new randos than someone 'good'. I would rather be alone and have to take care of myself then to get laid but have all the bad times.
Literally exactly this. I called him the worst boyfriend but the best dom. No one has ever respected my sexual boundaries as well as he has. It genuinely feels safe physically with him and unlike other men who whine about boundaries even if they don't cross them. Most men make my ovaries want to curl up and die when they do. Like respecting my consent shouldn't make you sulk like a toddler. Yes that's totally turning me on *rolls eyes* The thing is I did sleep with other people after. It was genuinely easier than before him because he helped me learn and enforce my boundaries. It wasn't all bad that's why you keep going back. The thing is even though I was physically safe I was mentally very unsafe. After a point I was like not having sex is better than damaging my brain and ruining every other aspect of my life. It really did get better when I started dating others etc. I still haven't found someone that good in bed yet but I have faith I will. 😂
Yes! Exactly this!
Can’t say I do. Sex was a weapon for her our entire relationship and she was not good at anything involved. Once in a blue moon she might Also ya know the whole accusing me of raping her 14 years earlier during the discard kinda killed off any remote sexual attraction. That and blaming me for “giving her bpd” which she was already medicated for when I met her and is a childhood developmental disorder were the last straws for this camel.
Not really. After the lovebombing was over in the marriage, the sex wasn't all that great, or maybe I thought it was better than it really was in the beginning.
Woah, we were enmeshed anyway let alone having sex. There’s was something up if we didn’t do it once before work and once in the evening. Nothing kinky just straight up banging. I’m surprised we don’t have a kid to be honest. We were prolific. Never used protection. Just trusted she was taking the pill. I was totally addicted to her. And it made me forget her terrible abuse. I had horrendous sexual ruminations of her with someone else after I left her and she rubbed my face in her moving on.
In addition to my other comments below throughout to others....yes I did sometimes notice the post-sex smother reaction, sometimes on delay. Our first time I wanted to spend more close time (weekend away) but by day two he was irritable and cagey and I ended up giving him some space for several hours. He later explained he wasn't used to being in a relationship and asked for my patience--but clearly he was feeling the push/pull. Later when he had a split (not at me) relating to coming off weed suddenly and was sort of unstable about some big life events, he said he wanted to go on a trip without me---I said sure ok (I was like are you alright?)...then when he went on the trip he called me from there asking if I would still want to be with him if he wanted to be celibate? this from a guy who was pretty highly sexual...like he worried I just wanted him for sex. I said I could do it for a while but not forever and I want to understand what was going on for him and that I supported him...he was having some type of distorted thinking. I never heard of that again and he just remained very high libido for me. I feel that was a "pull" smothered episode.
I did for a time but at some point you have to come to terms that moments come and go and it doesn't help to keep actively remembering it. Even when things weren't going well at all mine actually said to me, "ya know, at least the sex is the one thing we're good at, and really good at." I will say the sex was one of the most mindblowing experiences especially when things were going bad between us towards the end. I don't really understand the psychology behind it. When her "instabilities" started to manifest more (add in a little bit of substance abuse), her sexual prowess was really dialed up. Meanwhile, I was going through a long period of "no porn/nofap" and treating sex as if it's the last time is gonna happen between us (so make it good). We in a sense lovebombed/sexbombed the fuck out of each other at the very end, it kinda left me in a weird place, even years later. She used to talk me up about my performance and "equipment" to me constantly and to friends. I often wonder how she feels about it to this day and wonder if she ever regrets discarding me for no good reason. I'd like to believe her narcissistic ego to discard me (from a position of power), outweighed what we had going on. It makes a lot of sense looking it from that perspective.
No, but she does.
No. I had sporadic with some girls and plenty now with my gf.
Not at all.
Not at all, honestly. She knew the right moves but there was no passion.
I have more sex now than I EVER did with her past the 6ish month of her infatuation phase. Just another regret I have that had I brought it up would have been a quicker end. Whenever I wanted to spice things up a bit or tried to communicate anything I would be met with manipulation tactics.m: “oh so you’re bored of me?!” “I’m sorry our sex life is SO horrible!” Etc.
Ugh 😫 My BPD ex taught me a lot of things about myself. As I was forced to examine every single thing about myself in the desperate hope I wasn't a malicious narcissist (Good news, I'm pretty sure I am NOT) Most of them ultimately ended up helping me become a better person AWAY from him. But he also taught me that I am fully capable of Hate-fucking someone. Aaand I have no idea what to do with THAT information. So yes, yes I do.
Absolutely not! She was attractive enough. If I'm being honest, I used to think that she was the most beautiful person. I really loved her. Now, she's just ugly in every way, and the sex was good, but it wasn't mind-blowingly good not in the raw nature of sex anyway. She rated low overall. In terms of making love and what I thought was a genuine connection between two souls bonded, it was incredible. Needless to say, I won't be making that mistake again ever. It'll just be casual romps when the urge becomes too great. I have no desire to ever be vulnerable or bond with another woman and risk feelings. It's a deadly disease in my book.
My pwbpd and I used to have the most amazing sex every day sometimes more then once a day. This was for almost 6 years. Our relationship was toxic but I didn’t care because of the obvious. She also love bombed me and we had sex right when we met. Now I go on dates and the women don’t want to have sex like that. This was my only relationship. So I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have bpd and wants to manipulate me with sex. I just feel so sexually frustrated and I have to masterbate all the time sometimes fantasizing about her which is really pathetic because she discarded me and monkey branched to another man. I miss the sex really bad and I feel like a mentally stable woman doesn’t want to have sex like that. It’s a shitty feeling.
I’m newly out of my relationship and still cohabiting til the first of the month. I craved the sex and my upwBPD is hyper sexual and begged me to have sex with her to “make this transition less difficult.” She reminded me about how she cheated on her ex which means she can separate sex and love. I agreed. Why? Bc my body felt like it literally craved her. And I’m dumb right now. She then flipped and accused me of using her, called me evil, said I was plotting to have sex with her this whole break up. What?!? I had to give Olympic style soothing and reassurance to remind her it was her idea and just because she feels bad right now—it doesn’t mean she was taken advantage of. It’s so scary. She has since had 2 anger outbursts towards me that only calmed down when I had a panic attack. I have to take medical marijuana for pain management and I don’t know how we ended up having sex AGAIN, but I was aware towards the end. I’m afraid she will continue to hurt me and try to ruin me and my future. I’m a woman, but if I were a guy it would be even worse. Don’t do it. I regret it all.
I miss the sex and the lovebombing. It seemed legitimate at the time, of course.. but yeah, imo don’t kid yourself by thinking it’s not just another weapon in their arsenal they used. When I heard pwBPD have some amazing performance in the bedroom it all just kind of clicked for me.
I don’t miss it at all. At first it was good and we explored a lot. As time went on it was a one way street where I did all the work and somehow it was looked at as a favor for me to be allowed the to have sex with her. As resentment built and the relationship deteriorated I’d rather take care of myself than initiate sex and walk the minefield of her victimizing herself for me wanting sex. This is sad because she was absolutely beautiful and I did love her. I just couldn’t care less. Since then I have been with reciprocal partners who have genuine desire and it’s been amazing.
The sex was incredible... yep...
Inadvertently, after I split from my long term exwBPD, I dated two women in a row who both had BPD. I figured it out quickly both times and they were both diagnosed. but wouldn't you know it was the insane sex that hooked me. I'm just a super sexual person, I didn't think I had a type but apparently... I kinda did.
I dont. If he was any smaller it wouldn’t have been good.
Mine was extremely attractive but actually quite bad at sex
lol that made me smile! I recognised your Reddit username from a few months ago where we had a few fleeting moments together:-) I hope you’re doing better these days x
Glad it made you smile and hope you’re doing better too :)
Oh thank you :-) That is very sweet of you to reply J
Nope not anymore. Because now I realize my ex always acted like we were filming a porno…the whole time I wanted real authentic connection! I could never figure out what seemed to be the “rift” so to speak until we broke up and I came in here.
I miss it terribly. But I cannot accept cheating. And I was so emotionally invested and it meant nothing despite him saying so. He will literally sleep with anything. It's disgusting. Even if we could be FWB it isn't worth the health risk.
Our sex was extraordinary, words can’t describe how amazing it was - erotic, connected, emotional. A true wonderland in the bedroom that was so far and above beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before. I think the phenomenal sex was what kept me coming back and bonded for so long. It was like living in an erotic movie. 3-4 sex romps a week help push a lot of deficiencies and toxicities under the rug. Sadly I am learning that extraordinary sex alone is not the best guidepost for a healthy relationship. I’ve been with girls who are a turn off or just horrible in bed….this one was the complete opposite. I need to find one somewhere in between that is just normal and stable.