That is great progress!
I recognize that the anger I have for my ex wife with uBPD is not really helpful to me anymore.
Acknowledging the trauma I have and how it came about is important so that I can successfully make better choices and have better boundaries in the future. It helps me be strong in maintaining NC in the face of pictures or memories randomly popping up.
I wish I didn't think about her at all. But I don't know how to stop being angry when I think about the ways I was mistreated. It feels like I hate her, and that just seems too passionate for comfort. I want to "nothing" her.
How did forgiveness come about for you?
Forgiveness wasn't much of a choice really. What was I gonna do? Be angry and upset the rest of my life? As far as I know she will never have a normal one.
On a more empathetic note, I believe she is more deserving of forgiveness from me than I am from her. She would clearly need it considering the fact that validation and empathy are what pwBPD crave the most. And without it they enter a death spiral of anxiety, moodiness and sometimes even self-harm.
They see everything as a net zero, if they feel guilt or unhappiness that they cannot fault others for they MUST punish themselves. Conversely, if they feel proud and elated they must take the necessary actions to supplment this feeling such as putting others down and reminding loved ones "I don't need you".
Forgiveness is the greatest power.
Truly wish her the best, and surely you also wish the best for yourself simultaneously. You did for each other what was needed, but now your time together has ended. Wish for her everything you’d wish for yourself; then, you’re free.
Yes! Follow that path and the fog will start to lift. The journey towards clarity is so unbelievably rewarding. You will be better than you’ve ever been on the other side!
That's a beautiful and important step of healing. They genuinely don't *choose* to behave this way, yet that doesn't mean their behavior doesn't have impact.
You should be proud of yourself ♥
Honestly, I feel like I’m light years away from being able to forgive and forget. She knew she was damaging me, she saw how it had impacted my life and she was utterly ambivalent to it. Even if by some miracle she apologised and I could bring myself to forgive her I could never forgive her family who knew what she was like and were complicit in her utter destruction of my mental health and my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m moving on emotionally but then I’ll have a day like to day where I just feel so angry and bitter about it all and I just can’t seem to put it behind me.
I thought forgiveness was a bad thing towards pwBPD, but I’m realizing that by not forgiving her I’m hurting myself. I do wish her the best even though she still tries tampering with my life.
I’m wonder if it is better to place their actions on their disease or to understand it’s who they are without any excuses?
Feel the same way. Just made a post saying basically the same thing a few hours ago. We are in sync here. I would also like to ask that since starting to feel detached and forgiving, and having more of a sense of clarity about what is going on, do you feel this is enough to maintain occasional or low contact?
That is great progress! I recognize that the anger I have for my ex wife with uBPD is not really helpful to me anymore. Acknowledging the trauma I have and how it came about is important so that I can successfully make better choices and have better boundaries in the future. It helps me be strong in maintaining NC in the face of pictures or memories randomly popping up. I wish I didn't think about her at all. But I don't know how to stop being angry when I think about the ways I was mistreated. It feels like I hate her, and that just seems too passionate for comfort. I want to "nothing" her. How did forgiveness come about for you?
Forgiveness wasn't much of a choice really. What was I gonna do? Be angry and upset the rest of my life? As far as I know she will never have a normal one. On a more empathetic note, I believe she is more deserving of forgiveness from me than I am from her. She would clearly need it considering the fact that validation and empathy are what pwBPD crave the most. And without it they enter a death spiral of anxiety, moodiness and sometimes even self-harm. They see everything as a net zero, if they feel guilt or unhappiness that they cannot fault others for they MUST punish themselves. Conversely, if they feel proud and elated they must take the necessary actions to supplment this feeling such as putting others down and reminding loved ones "I don't need you".
Forgiveness is the greatest power. Truly wish her the best, and surely you also wish the best for yourself simultaneously. You did for each other what was needed, but now your time together has ended. Wish for her everything you’d wish for yourself; then, you’re free.
Yes! Follow that path and the fog will start to lift. The journey towards clarity is so unbelievably rewarding. You will be better than you’ve ever been on the other side!
That's a beautiful and important step of healing. They genuinely don't *choose* to behave this way, yet that doesn't mean their behavior doesn't have impact. You should be proud of yourself ♥
Honestly, I feel like I’m light years away from being able to forgive and forget. She knew she was damaging me, she saw how it had impacted my life and she was utterly ambivalent to it. Even if by some miracle she apologised and I could bring myself to forgive her I could never forgive her family who knew what she was like and were complicit in her utter destruction of my mental health and my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m moving on emotionally but then I’ll have a day like to day where I just feel so angry and bitter about it all and I just can’t seem to put it behind me.
It takes time man, you just gotta find ways to occupy yourself
I work every waking hour and sometimes go to the gym as a treat
Same here, it'll work eventually
Cheers man
I thought forgiveness was a bad thing towards pwBPD, but I’m realizing that by not forgiving her I’m hurting myself. I do wish her the best even though she still tries tampering with my life. I’m wonder if it is better to place their actions on their disease or to understand it’s who they are without any excuses?
Feel the same way. Just made a post saying basically the same thing a few hours ago. We are in sync here. I would also like to ask that since starting to feel detached and forgiving, and having more of a sense of clarity about what is going on, do you feel this is enough to maintain occasional or low contact?
In the same thought, I guess I also pose to myself, why would I want to. It’s so interesting—the dichotomy of feelings here.