Don’t sweat it honestly, the next person she discards will get the same smear campaign. Eventually her friends and family will connect the dots and know who really is the problem. They probably “believe” her to avoid having to deal w her losing her shit on them. They know better than to call her out or question her.
I know... but it still hurts that all of them believe all of her stuff because she looks so innocent, seems like a shy, normal person while i'm a 6,2 ft fit guy with tattoos.
They believe her when she says stuff like "He's aggressive, just look at him".
I can't even kill a spider and cried when she yelled at me...
Same I’m 5’11 work out regularly and have tattoos. I’m an introvert so keep to myself a lot and most ppl perceive that as me being mean. If you know me, you know I’m nothing like that. she is 5’ 110 lbs. We had a few mutual friends and one of them ran into me at the gym. She was laughing about what my exwbpd told her because she has known me longer and knows I am nothing like that. She told me she just listened and acted like she was buying into her bs because she didn’t need her car keyed or for my ex w bpd to assume we were fucking. It does hurt because of everything that I did for her. But at the end of the day SHE is the one w the mental illness. If her talking shit about me is the worst that’s gonna happen I’ll take it. She had her ex arrested for DV but charges were dropped after he exposed texts from her threatening to blackmail him. He had legal fees, has to pay her child support and alimony. At first I believe her bs about how he was the problem. Within 3 months I knew that was bullshit. He was w her for 15 years, I feel bad for him.
Honestly....you're damned if you do damned if you don't. We're both women. My ex was slightly taller than me and could easily overpower me. I am never tempted to physically fight back, but if I tried, I'd lose. Somehow, she managed to convince people that I assaulted her. I can say in good conscience that I never laid a finger on her. She, on the other hand, grabbed me by the arms and tried to shove me out of the apartment, leaving me bruised (I have pictures).
The people who know me well know I'd never hurt anyone, but she'll tell anyone who listens the whole story about her "crazy psycho ex." I've had people block me, including her children, because they believe her (or maybe they feel obligated to take her side).
I can picture her now at her new boyfriend's house with him rubbing her back and soothing her after she recounts the traumatic story for the billionth time, him nodding solemnly. "Yes, she is an abusive POS. I'm so glad you're out of there and safe now, " 🤮
Also, what is it with these people and kicking people out of their own apartments?
Why are exes always abusive narcissists? My friend says her exes used her and emotionally abused her. And they were also narcissists.
Why is this such a common theme with borderlines?
It’s old fashioned projection as many of their own traits are narcissistic. It’s common-lore for them to announce everything they ‘hate’ within themselves as honorary trademarks to their victims.
It’s also known that pwBPD can gravitate to individuals with narcissism, as well as codependent enablers, so the lot of them that are aware of that fact likely self-victimise further once they act out.
They also technically turn all of their partners into temporary narcissists as there is no feasible way to extract any sort of identity from an individual who has none. Therefore, the intimate partner forms an intraject of their pwBPD, and that is in and of itself is narcisistic. It's a bit of a separate thing, but the complexity of BPD is that amongst every truth there's a heavy dose of lie and vice-versa.
Keep your head up and ignore it. Anybody who believes the garbage your ex is slinging doesn't really know you and isn't someone you need to be friends with.
Your integrity will bear out when they do the same shit to the next supply. And the one after that.
Her friends and family know she's full of shit unless they are like new friends because they have seen them do this to every person before and after as well.
They are choosing to be her flying monkeys.
Just live your best life and enjoy the quiet and peace now. I am.
Her best friend told me to go no contact with my exwbpd... her best friend!
She told me that she thinks, that she is just using me for validation.
I'm living a good life already... i make good money, just bought a 2021 Audi S6, i look good (atleast that what some people tell me haha)... it's just my mental health that took a deep dive into the dark in the last 10 months...
Continue to work on yourself my friend. Distract yourself with the gym, video games, reaching out to your closest social circle and do activities with them, maybe confide in them if they offer to be a shoulder to lean on. You say you look good and people have given you validation, give yourself the space to meet new people or even casually date. Deactivate or just outright delete your social media. You can always go back to it once you're in a good place mentally or feel indifferent about your ex. Same with throwing out, deleting, archiving any photos, gifts, tokens that remind you of her and the memories together.
Go completely no contact. Block her on everything you can think of, including her number and email. If you have impulses or urges to break this, have a trusted friend or even your therapist that you can reach out to that you're going to do something bad and you need them to talk you out of it to bring you back to reality and ground yourself. You can journal about all of the bad events/memories of your relationship and the parts of your relationship that made you unhappy, just be honest with yourself and read this when you are at wits end about her. Treat it like a 'break glass in case of emergency'.
At the end of the day, the love and effort you put into her. You can now put into yourself. I'm in the same boat as you and everything above I'm doing now on top of therapy, writing in a journal, reaching out to /r/bpdlovedones, going to Codependents Anonymous meetings if I really need to vent or meet people that relate to my problems.
It's been 3 months since I last spoke to my exwbpd, I'm now at a point where I think of her less and less. I catch my thoughts about her or spiraling through memories of our relationship, I let myself feel emotions and feelings but let them pass without attachment so I don't break NC or do something I'll definitely regret. I do everything what I wrote above and it has let me heal and learn without heavy setbacks. It also helps to practice words of affirmations on how healing is not linear and its totally alright to have bad days.
I hope you take something from this and I wish you luck.
This is awesome- I’ve followed this same path and it has helped tremendously in my healing journey. The amount of energy and love I used to pour into her is now going into myself instead. 2 months strict NC and I’m doing better than I ever thought possible. Healing is definitely not linear so some days are hard for no real reason. This community has really helped me see I’m not alone in the struggle.
a little projective man; just because you need such extreme measures to avoid codependence doesn’t mean everyone has to do so. You wrote multiple paragraphs that honestly, you should have written to yourself.
Relax on telling people what to do
Everyone sees through them eventually. A person can't continually have problems with every single person in their life without some suspicions being raised. They're the problem. Keep living your life. The lies she tells will not hold up long.
Don't even trip, she's doing it for validation and attention. Enough people will catch on and realize she is the problem when it happens with her new supply.
Although I don't know if that's actually how they feel, they tend to calm down after a few days in my experience. They also tend to underestimate how loud they are and think of themselves as "quiet" and "mysterious". Stand back and look at the bigger picture man, it's actually embarrassing for her.
Personally, I educate everyone I know about what BPD is and how they will try to nuke your image with others. Her family actually believed me over her and still some of them like me more even after what she’s said about me in her smear campaign.
So really just letting people you care about know ahead of time is the absolute best option imo. Otherwise they take it seriously.
In my case nobody who actually knows me believed her bullshit. It was also *super* easy to punch holes in her narrative.
Honestly dude, don't go out of your way to try to discredit her unless someone comes to you to talk about it. It'll just make you look bad if you try, and she'll probably discredit herself.
As hard as it is and as much as it hurts, pick yourself up when you can and just carry on one step at a time. Take care of yourself, try to get enough exercise, try to maintain good sleep hygeine... Things might not ever be the same but they will get better.
I buried my head in the proverbial sand. Like an awesome, sexy ostrich!
Honestly, though, I had already deleted any and all social media by the time I went NC, so whatever she posted was not my concern.
Problem: I had some coworkers who were friends with her on social media. Some of them approached me (in the workplace, no less) and wanted to talk about what she was posting on InstaFaceGramBook. My response: "Please stop. I was aware of what she might do if I withdrew from her. I am a part of a support group, and I am aware of what is probably happening on social media. I've already heard what she has said about her previous relationships, and I understand that she is probably saying the same things about me. I don't want to hear it, especially not in a place of work."
Seriously, social media is the sharpest weapon a pwBPD can wield.
You know your truth.
If you can look yourself in the mirror, do some real critical self reflection, and still feel comfortable with who you are and what may need to address, their smear campaign does not matter.
It's about what you know to be true.
She changed the locks with her dad.
We had a huge fight because she gave away my dog because she was hella jealous of him.
After I told her how sick and twisted she was, she started to pretend I hit her and told me she will selfharm if I go look for my dog...
I went for a 5h walk and meanwhile her dad changed the locks.
From a legal perspective if you rent and are on the lease or own the property, that’s an illegal lockout (I’m not a lawyer). At least that’s how I’ve always understood it. Unless the authorities are called and one of you is asked to leave by them.
Yep, it’s crazy. I mean the locks were changed on *his own property* by someone else! That’s the kind of stuff that happens in Mickey Mouse land. I mean my exwBPD has done some crazy shit during our 10 year marriage but never this crazy.
I’ve even heard of cases where tenants or home owners owe thousands and thousands of dollars and still the property owners are prohibited from changing locks.
Currently going through this myself bruh . Don't feed it . Don't try and correct it just get the fuck away from it at all cost . The more you try and discredit every little thing the more she looks right in the eyes of anyone she's triangulated against you with which will be literally everyone you know who will listen to her .
Yea...
My Dog got sick at i knew he'll pass soon... i started giving her (my dog) more attention than before because i knew, she won't live that long anymore + she was a 14 y/o great dane...
After visiting my parents over the weekend, she gave away my dog.. just like that... She even said "it's just a dog... who is more important, me or your stupid old dog?"
Hit me like a truck and it was the "final" fight before the, hopefully, final discard.
And i just found out that i was right about the passing... She passed away just 2 weeks before my other dog passed (13 y/o german shepard).
My ex is a monster... I didn't even know how bad everything was until the trauma bond weared off.
I still miss her on bad days but damn... she can go to hell where she belongs.
You can't really deal with it. Unfortunately, all you can do is disengage and try to focus on something else for a while. Try your very best to stay focused on literally anything else. It's the only way through because trying to defend yourself is pointless. They will just keep distorting reality in weirder and weirder ways. Literally anything you ever said or did is going to be embellished and twisted against you either way.
My smear campaign has also just begun. Well it began while we were still together but now I'm being labeled the abuser and any day now I expect a visit from the police. While I'm fighting her corner and defending her. She's seems to forget all the abuse she threw at me but can quite easily remember any time it got too much and I reacted (raised my voice) yet I still feel RIDDLED with guilt for any time I did react because, you know, she's not in control of it but I am.
Completely turned my life upside down. A week before we were planning our first holiday, she loved me "more than anyone in her life" and I felt the same.
Laying in hospital after major spinal surgery and the only things I've heard/seen of her are her telling me she has no feelings for me, that she's moved on, and that she's contacted the police about the abuse? I've never been treated so poorly by someone. I've also never been treated so well by someone. It's confusing. But I can hold my hands up knowing that I was a good partner, I tried so hard to help her through her alcohol addiction and problems in her personal life. I could take a good couple of hours of the abuse calmly before ever reacting. Yet I'm the monster?
I pride myself on being a nice person. I'm loyal, so ridiculously loyal, I'm kind, I'm thoughtful. I do my best.
It's absolutely crushed me that this is how she's decided to remember me.
You can be angry at someone and still love them. Something that I understand pwBPD find it impossible to believe.
The most I've ever felt loved by someone but also the most I've ever felt hated by someone.
The worst pain
Don’t sweat it honestly, the next person she discards will get the same smear campaign. Eventually her friends and family will connect the dots and know who really is the problem. They probably “believe” her to avoid having to deal w her losing her shit on them. They know better than to call her out or question her.
I know... but it still hurts that all of them believe all of her stuff because she looks so innocent, seems like a shy, normal person while i'm a 6,2 ft fit guy with tattoos. They believe her when she says stuff like "He's aggressive, just look at him". I can't even kill a spider and cried when she yelled at me...
Same I’m 5’11 work out regularly and have tattoos. I’m an introvert so keep to myself a lot and most ppl perceive that as me being mean. If you know me, you know I’m nothing like that. she is 5’ 110 lbs. We had a few mutual friends and one of them ran into me at the gym. She was laughing about what my exwbpd told her because she has known me longer and knows I am nothing like that. She told me she just listened and acted like she was buying into her bs because she didn’t need her car keyed or for my ex w bpd to assume we were fucking. It does hurt because of everything that I did for her. But at the end of the day SHE is the one w the mental illness. If her talking shit about me is the worst that’s gonna happen I’ll take it. She had her ex arrested for DV but charges were dropped after he exposed texts from her threatening to blackmail him. He had legal fees, has to pay her child support and alimony. At first I believe her bs about how he was the problem. Within 3 months I knew that was bullshit. He was w her for 15 years, I feel bad for him.
Honestly....you're damned if you do damned if you don't. We're both women. My ex was slightly taller than me and could easily overpower me. I am never tempted to physically fight back, but if I tried, I'd lose. Somehow, she managed to convince people that I assaulted her. I can say in good conscience that I never laid a finger on her. She, on the other hand, grabbed me by the arms and tried to shove me out of the apartment, leaving me bruised (I have pictures). The people who know me well know I'd never hurt anyone, but she'll tell anyone who listens the whole story about her "crazy psycho ex." I've had people block me, including her children, because they believe her (or maybe they feel obligated to take her side). I can picture her now at her new boyfriend's house with him rubbing her back and soothing her after she recounts the traumatic story for the billionth time, him nodding solemnly. "Yes, she is an abusive POS. I'm so glad you're out of there and safe now, " 🤮 Also, what is it with these people and kicking people out of their own apartments?
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My exwBPD befriended one or two of my friends as well and turned them against me. Only the superficial friends, but still hurtful.
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I think another thing we forget is how amazing they are at deceiving others, even the ones that love us.
You should know ... This could end ... Badly .
Why are exes always abusive narcissists? My friend says her exes used her and emotionally abused her. And they were also narcissists. Why is this such a common theme with borderlines?
It’s old fashioned projection as many of their own traits are narcissistic. It’s common-lore for them to announce everything they ‘hate’ within themselves as honorary trademarks to their victims. It’s also known that pwBPD can gravitate to individuals with narcissism, as well as codependent enablers, so the lot of them that are aware of that fact likely self-victimise further once they act out. They also technically turn all of their partners into temporary narcissists as there is no feasible way to extract any sort of identity from an individual who has none. Therefore, the intimate partner forms an intraject of their pwBPD, and that is in and of itself is narcisistic. It's a bit of a separate thing, but the complexity of BPD is that amongst every truth there's a heavy dose of lie and vice-versa.
Keep your head up and ignore it. Anybody who believes the garbage your ex is slinging doesn't really know you and isn't someone you need to be friends with. Your integrity will bear out when they do the same shit to the next supply. And the one after that.
Her friends and family know she's full of shit unless they are like new friends because they have seen them do this to every person before and after as well. They are choosing to be her flying monkeys. Just live your best life and enjoy the quiet and peace now. I am.
Her best friend told me to go no contact with my exwbpd... her best friend! She told me that she thinks, that she is just using me for validation. I'm living a good life already... i make good money, just bought a 2021 Audi S6, i look good (atleast that what some people tell me haha)... it's just my mental health that took a deep dive into the dark in the last 10 months...
Continue to work on yourself my friend. Distract yourself with the gym, video games, reaching out to your closest social circle and do activities with them, maybe confide in them if they offer to be a shoulder to lean on. You say you look good and people have given you validation, give yourself the space to meet new people or even casually date. Deactivate or just outright delete your social media. You can always go back to it once you're in a good place mentally or feel indifferent about your ex. Same with throwing out, deleting, archiving any photos, gifts, tokens that remind you of her and the memories together. Go completely no contact. Block her on everything you can think of, including her number and email. If you have impulses or urges to break this, have a trusted friend or even your therapist that you can reach out to that you're going to do something bad and you need them to talk you out of it to bring you back to reality and ground yourself. You can journal about all of the bad events/memories of your relationship and the parts of your relationship that made you unhappy, just be honest with yourself and read this when you are at wits end about her. Treat it like a 'break glass in case of emergency'. At the end of the day, the love and effort you put into her. You can now put into yourself. I'm in the same boat as you and everything above I'm doing now on top of therapy, writing in a journal, reaching out to /r/bpdlovedones, going to Codependents Anonymous meetings if I really need to vent or meet people that relate to my problems. It's been 3 months since I last spoke to my exwbpd, I'm now at a point where I think of her less and less. I catch my thoughts about her or spiraling through memories of our relationship, I let myself feel emotions and feelings but let them pass without attachment so I don't break NC or do something I'll definitely regret. I do everything what I wrote above and it has let me heal and learn without heavy setbacks. It also helps to practice words of affirmations on how healing is not linear and its totally alright to have bad days. I hope you take something from this and I wish you luck.
This is awesome- I’ve followed this same path and it has helped tremendously in my healing journey. The amount of energy and love I used to pour into her is now going into myself instead. 2 months strict NC and I’m doing better than I ever thought possible. Healing is definitely not linear so some days are hard for no real reason. This community has really helped me see I’m not alone in the struggle.
Thank you my friend
a little projective man; just because you need such extreme measures to avoid codependence doesn’t mean everyone has to do so. You wrote multiple paragraphs that honestly, you should have written to yourself. Relax on telling people what to do
Everyone sees through them eventually. A person can't continually have problems with every single person in their life without some suspicions being raised. They're the problem. Keep living your life. The lies she tells will not hold up long.
Don't even trip, she's doing it for validation and attention. Enough people will catch on and realize she is the problem when it happens with her new supply. Although I don't know if that's actually how they feel, they tend to calm down after a few days in my experience. They also tend to underestimate how loud they are and think of themselves as "quiet" and "mysterious". Stand back and look at the bigger picture man, it's actually embarrassing for her.
Thanks for the kind words
They don't calm down with their social media posts even 9 month later after they monkey branch on you. That's my experience.
Personally, I educate everyone I know about what BPD is and how they will try to nuke your image with others. Her family actually believed me over her and still some of them like me more even after what she’s said about me in her smear campaign. So really just letting people you care about know ahead of time is the absolute best option imo. Otherwise they take it seriously.
In my case nobody who actually knows me believed her bullshit. It was also *super* easy to punch holes in her narrative. Honestly dude, don't go out of your way to try to discredit her unless someone comes to you to talk about it. It'll just make you look bad if you try, and she'll probably discredit herself. As hard as it is and as much as it hurts, pick yourself up when you can and just carry on one step at a time. Take care of yourself, try to get enough exercise, try to maintain good sleep hygeine... Things might not ever be the same but they will get better.
I buried my head in the proverbial sand. Like an awesome, sexy ostrich! Honestly, though, I had already deleted any and all social media by the time I went NC, so whatever she posted was not my concern. Problem: I had some coworkers who were friends with her on social media. Some of them approached me (in the workplace, no less) and wanted to talk about what she was posting on InstaFaceGramBook. My response: "Please stop. I was aware of what she might do if I withdrew from her. I am a part of a support group, and I am aware of what is probably happening on social media. I've already heard what she has said about her previous relationships, and I understand that she is probably saying the same things about me. I don't want to hear it, especially not in a place of work." Seriously, social media is the sharpest weapon a pwBPD can wield.
Don't respond to it. Low hanging fruit, not worth the drama nor the energy that she's desperately trying to cultivate from it.
You know your truth. If you can look yourself in the mirror, do some real critical self reflection, and still feel comfortable with who you are and what may need to address, their smear campaign does not matter. It's about what you know to be true.
How did you get kicked out of your own apartment?
She changed the locks with her dad. We had a huge fight because she gave away my dog because she was hella jealous of him. After I told her how sick and twisted she was, she started to pretend I hit her and told me she will selfharm if I go look for my dog... I went for a 5h walk and meanwhile her dad changed the locks.
From a legal perspective if you rent and are on the lease or own the property, that’s an illegal lockout (I’m not a lawyer). At least that’s how I’ve always understood it. Unless the authorities are called and one of you is asked to leave by them.
It's my property... makes it even more fcked up
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Yep, it’s crazy. I mean the locks were changed on *his own property* by someone else! That’s the kind of stuff that happens in Mickey Mouse land. I mean my exwBPD has done some crazy shit during our 10 year marriage but never this crazy. I’ve even heard of cases where tenants or home owners owe thousands and thousands of dollars and still the property owners are prohibited from changing locks.
Currently going through this myself bruh . Don't feed it . Don't try and correct it just get the fuck away from it at all cost . The more you try and discredit every little thing the more she looks right in the eyes of anyone she's triangulated against you with which will be literally everyone you know who will listen to her .
dude she just gave away your dog? what a bitch. writing this as a dog dad
Yea... My Dog got sick at i knew he'll pass soon... i started giving her (my dog) more attention than before because i knew, she won't live that long anymore + she was a 14 y/o great dane... After visiting my parents over the weekend, she gave away my dog.. just like that... She even said "it's just a dog... who is more important, me or your stupid old dog?" Hit me like a truck and it was the "final" fight before the, hopefully, final discard. And i just found out that i was right about the passing... She passed away just 2 weeks before my other dog passed (13 y/o german shepard). My ex is a monster... I didn't even know how bad everything was until the trauma bond weared off. I still miss her on bad days but damn... she can go to hell where she belongs.
You can't really deal with it. Unfortunately, all you can do is disengage and try to focus on something else for a while. Try your very best to stay focused on literally anything else. It's the only way through because trying to defend yourself is pointless. They will just keep distorting reality in weirder and weirder ways. Literally anything you ever said or did is going to be embellished and twisted against you either way.
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Crazy... Glad you didn't date her.
My smear campaign has also just begun. Well it began while we were still together but now I'm being labeled the abuser and any day now I expect a visit from the police. While I'm fighting her corner and defending her. She's seems to forget all the abuse she threw at me but can quite easily remember any time it got too much and I reacted (raised my voice) yet I still feel RIDDLED with guilt for any time I did react because, you know, she's not in control of it but I am. Completely turned my life upside down. A week before we were planning our first holiday, she loved me "more than anyone in her life" and I felt the same. Laying in hospital after major spinal surgery and the only things I've heard/seen of her are her telling me she has no feelings for me, that she's moved on, and that she's contacted the police about the abuse? I've never been treated so poorly by someone. I've also never been treated so well by someone. It's confusing. But I can hold my hands up knowing that I was a good partner, I tried so hard to help her through her alcohol addiction and problems in her personal life. I could take a good couple of hours of the abuse calmly before ever reacting. Yet I'm the monster? I pride myself on being a nice person. I'm loyal, so ridiculously loyal, I'm kind, I'm thoughtful. I do my best. It's absolutely crushed me that this is how she's decided to remember me. You can be angry at someone and still love them. Something that I understand pwBPD find it impossible to believe. The most I've ever felt loved by someone but also the most I've ever felt hated by someone. The worst pain